Jul 212011
 

With the SPL’s big kick-off looming, what kind of shape are Aberdeen in, compared to the other top six challengers?  Philip Sim takes a hard look at how next season is shaping up.

Aberdeen, Hearts, Dundee United, Hibs and Motherwell are the traditional and some might say obvious candidates to join Rangers and Celtic in the top six by next May.

Kilmarnock were a surprise inclusion last season, but have lost their manager and star player over the summer and have recruited relatively little proven quality, save perhaps Gary Harkins, who is yet to prove himself at SPL level.

Hearts have made some good signings and generally seem to have strengthened across the board, despite their ongoing off-the-field difficulties. Many of their signings are more squad players than stars, but they have retained the core of last year’s team, and if they can hang on to the likes of Rudi Skacel and Marian Kello then realistically third place is theirs to throw away.

Dundee United meanwhile has lost an entire midfield in Buaben, Gomis, Conway and Robertson, as well as defensive cover in Darren Dods. Their only quality recruitment has been Willo Flood – how much of the budget has he taken up? – and the less said about Hibs reject John Rankin the better. They have young players coming through, but they desperately need to make some signings before the window ‘slams shut’ or their top six position is far from assured.

Hibs have spent most of the summer in a weird state of limbo, with manager Colin Calderwood openly pondering a move back to Nottingham Forest. They have made two very good signings in Ivan Sproule and Garry O’Conner, both proven players who know the club well. However they have lost eleven players over the summer, including Liam Miller, Derek Riordan and Colin Nish, so their squad is pretty thin on the ground. Their traditionally excellent conveyor belt of youth talent can’t prop up the team forever, but how many quality players are going to be attracted to a club whose manager might jump ship to be an assistant in the Championship?

Motherwell is in a similar position to Dundee United in that they haven’t recruited nearly enough players. They have made one good signing in Michael Higdon, but he will act as a direct replacement for Hearts-bound John Sutton.  They’re currently sitting at eight out and just two in. Retaining Steven Jennings is a plus, but it would be very difficult to claim the Steelmen have strengthened.

So now to the Dandy Dons…how does their summer match up? At first glance, the picture appears slightly gloomy – it seems like eight out and five in. Nine out really, with Jamie Langfield incapacitated for the foreseeable future. However on closer inspection, Craig Brown has paid attention to where Aberdeen were found lacking last season and has strengthened the core of the team.

This does not look like a team which will be over-run in midfield or indeed a team which will give up cricket scores at Celtic Park

The starting back four this term could be completely different to that which was bested so regularly last term. The team has two players with experience of playing full-back in Foster and Chris Clark, and two players with strength, presence and experience at centre-half in Youl Mawene and Kari Arnason.

The addition of Arnason and Osbourne will bring a bit of steel to the team, a bit of fight that was crucially missing last season.

Although this remains in the realm of speculation, this does not look like a team which will be over-run in midfield, or indeed a team which will give up cricket scores at Celtic Park.  There are also a number of very adaptable players in the squad, including Clark, Osbourne, Foster and Arnason, who can play both defence and midfield, which will come in handy when the team suffers its traditional mid-season injury crisis.

The only thing the Dons are missing right now is a replacement for Sone Aluko and Chris Maguire, a bit of creativity and flair going forward. A signing needs to be made here, as the entire burden cannot be placed on youngsters like Peter Pawlett, Fraser Fyvie and Nicky Low.

Craig Brown has publicly made a flair striker his priority, and if he secures this – probably through a loan from  England – then Aberdeen will be in excellent shape to take the fight to the other top six challengers for those precious European qualification spots.

Jul 212011
 

The simple fact of the scoreline goes a long way to summing up this match. Aberdeen will perhaps feel themselves a little unlucky not to have capitalised more on their strong performance in the first half in particular, despite finishing the game with ten men. Philip Sim writes.

Over what must have been one of the shortest close seasons in memory, Craig Brown set out to strengthen the core of his team and build a reliable defence, and on first impressions he has done a good job of this.

New signing Youl Mawene brings an air of composure to the centre of defence, perhaps too much so on the several occasions when he had the Red Army’s hearts in their throats by choosing to skin a striker rather than hoof the ball clear.

The Dons marked their first home game of the season with a defensively assured performance which ultimately lacked any cutting edge in the final third. Indeed, if anything they seemed even more in control after Ryan Jack’s dismissal on 65 minutes, and debutant goalkeeper David Gonzalez spent much of the game a spectator.

Isaac Osbourne looks another solid addition who will bring some steel to the midfield, and he showed his adaptability when filling in at right-back in the chaos following Jack’s sending off. Kari Arnason made a similarly strong impression when he made a belated début as a substitute for Peter Pawlett, demonstrating his determination by winning a game of head-tennis with himself as if the Saints midfield wasn’t there.

St Johnstone contributed to the scoreline in no small way by setting up with an extremely defensive style; Derek McInnes has built a team which is undoubtedly hard to beat, but which offers very little going forward. The Pittodrie faithful will be hoping that Craig Brown adds to his front line with some creative attackers quickly before the Dons find themselves in a similar position.

Fraser Fyvie was one of the few bright sparks forging forward for the home side.

His second half cross which came back off the post after evading the perennially hapless Peter Enckelman was the closest the Dons came to scoring. Darren Mackie and Josh Magennis both threatened on bursts forward without seriously troubling the ageing Finn, who spent most of the game flapping badly at crosses made unpredictable by the swirling winds.

One of the biggest disappointments of the day was the performance of referee Steve Conroy. It’s often said that when a match is officiated well, you don’t even notice the referee’s presence.

The fundamental complaint with officials in recent years has been consistency

It was not so with Mr Conroy; he embarked on a series of increasingly pedantic calls which were technically to the letter of the law, but which threatened to smother what life the gale force winds hadn’t already choked out of the match.

For 90 minutes, his whistle barely left his lips. Repeatedly he called back free-kicks so that the ball could be moved back two feet to the exact blade of grass where the original foul was committed. While he probably judged the big calls of the game correctly, he endeared himself to neither set of supporters, and did little to justify the inexplicable pay rise that referees secured over the summer.

The fundamental complaint with officials in recent years has been consistency; while it’s technically correct that Fyvie’s first half lunge which caught man and ball merited a yellow card, Saints defender Steven Anderson will be wondering himself how he avoided a caution or even a talking to for several extremely similar challenges.

There are many positives for Aberdeen to take from the season opener, though.

For one, they are clearly going to be a more difficult team to break down and score against this season; nobody actually knows yet how good David Gonzalez might be. Ricky Foster had an excellent game on his return to Pittodrie after a year on loan at Rangers, and indeed looked every inch the captain, while Darren Mackie showed no ill effects of last season’s long injury lay-off, running his heart out for the full 90 minutes.

It is worth remembering at the end of the day that Aberdeen collected zero points from both visits of St Johnstone to Pittodrie last season, so Saturday’s result and performance have to go down as a sign of progress.

Craig Brown will know better than anyone how badly his side need a cutting edge up front and a bit of creativity in the final third, and this is something which needs to be addressed as soon as possible, but in the manager’s own words the picture is one of  “cautious optimism.”

Jul 152011
 

In the first of two parts, Suzanne Kelly offers an update into what is and is not happening on the hill.

There may have not been much about the controversial Tullos Hill Roe Deer Cull in the media of late; therefore it’s time for an update.

The relative quiet in the media is not for lack of investigation, protest and anger on the community’s part.

As for the City and its LibDem councillors and officials, they are either spreading incorrect information (denying the past failure and £44k debt which resulted), or not answering questions at all (I eagerly await overdue answers on a number of fronts).

The question is:  are they trying to stall a proper investigation until they start shooting in September?  It looks as if stalling might indeed be their strategy.

There are so many outstanding issues, questions and problems with the Tullos Hill deer cull that this article needs to be split into two parts.  This part will look at the location chosen for the trees, Community Council’s stances and the small matter of arson.

Next week will cover issues including the SNH, the unanswered Freedom of Information requests and formal complaints, the importance of the gorse-covered hill as it exists (an expert writes), and the curious case of the £43,800 Forestry Commission ‘repayment.’  This repayment  Ms Watts either forgot about or didn’t know about when last she wrote to me.

Interestingly, Freedom of Information requests on this point are still being answered that no such debt exists. 

Either the council is being very very accurate (the debt was repaid late this March, but it most definitely existed), or someone was keen to keep the repayment quiet.  If so, they failed just as they failed in their bid to keep the cull quiet).

Before we get into the details, a small ray of hope: unnamed sources confirm that there is unease within the corridors of power over this ridiculous plan, with officials calling the situation ‘a hot potato’ and a ‘can of worms’.  Take heart from that, but please continue reading this article.

If at the end of it you decide you don’t want the cull, then write to your elected officials and Aberdeen City Chief Executive Valerie Watts, making it clear you will vote against anyone in May who has voted for this cull.

See: http://committees.aberdeencity.gov.uk/mgMemberIndex.aspx?bcr=1

Deer have lived in relative security (bar the arsonists and Aileen Malone) on Tullos Hill for many decades; they delight the residents of Torry and Kincorth as well as people visiting from further afield. 

The hill is a wildlife haven as it is with the very important gorse providing homes to bees and birds, fields of wildflowers (the spectacular Dame’s Violets for instance).

It has bronze age cairns set dramatically on its summit (currently un-obscured by trees), and it is a recreation area.  This is why our City Council – as a LibDem election pledge – want to turn it into some gargantuan 40,000-tree profit-making (i.e. lumber-producing) forest.

Of all the Liberal Democrat promises, killing the deer and planting the trees is about the only one in the UK they are adamant about sticking to.

They told the community councils and the public at large what a great thing this forest would be – but as previously demonstrated, they and SNH deliberately sought to keep a cull of the Tullos Hill roe deer secret.  Without a cull, there is no money for planting all these trees (although we could have had experts advising us – for free – how to plant trees without culling deer:  it just would have cost money).  Why then we are insisting on a forest of this size or a forest at all, and why on Tullos Hill?

Location, Location, Location

If we accept without question that trees must be planted because we can get grants for doing so as long as they reach growth targets, then where to put them? 

The easily-accessible Loirston Loch greenbelt area has several young trees on it – all in tree protector sleeves (the same sleeves which the SNH November letter tells us are rejected because they have ‘visual impact’ among other reasons – someone at ACC took this decision to reject tree protectors for us all with no recourse to the public or local councils).  There was a splendidly suitable area for these trees – but we are putting a football / community stadium on this piece of ground now.

This virtually flat land is easily reached by car (Tullos at present has no parking and is mainly reached by several footpaths), is not on a windswept hill, and is not as remote as Tullos – therefore less desirable to arsonists.  It is a largely open field with grasses and some vegetation in very moist, nearly marshy ground.

Loirston was not the only option either.  But this is Aberdeen:   Tullos Hill is apparently the only choice we have, according to our Council.  They are happy to sacrifice greenbelt at Loirston and elsewhere for stadiums, offices and housing – but are adamant that an existing, stable ecosystem must become a forest:  and they will not answer us why.

Fire on the Mountain

For all the City rangers’ and Grampian Fire’s attempts to be ‘down with the kids’, the arson issue remains the burning question:  why put 40,000  young trees on a windswept hill with access issues which is next to settlements and industry when we can’t keep the arsonists out?

Ranger Ian Talboys is at pains to play down the arson issue.   In an email to myself, 6 June 2011 he states:

“As the trees to be planted are mainly broadleaved species which do not readily burn in the way gorse does the risk of fire is reduced.   The conifers in the scheme will be mixed in with the broadleaved species again reducing the risk of large scale fire damage….. The recent statistics have shown a substantial reduction in wilful fire raising on the site, despite the recent incidents.

“It is however encouraging that the Police have charged a number of youths in connection with these fires as a result of intelligence gained from the local community and following the work we have been doing with the local schools over the last 5 years.  In the last couple of years there have been very few fires on Tullos Hill, a total of some 11 fires were reported for 2010 on Kincorth Hill and Tullos Hill combined….”

Mr Talboys also talks about getting rid of the gorse, which:

“reduces the risk of wilful fires”

Gorse is a vital part of the ecosystem, particularly on Tullos Hill which we will look at later.  However it is disappointing that the attitude is to get rid of a natural feature which supports wildlife because it is more flammable (allegedly) than trees – rather than to simply stop the arsonists.

Who are the arsonists, and is Talboys right that the fires are decreasing?  So far this year there have been at least a dozen fires.  Two men aged 27 and 23 are being charged with starting fires on 3 July:  so much for the idea of stopping the schoolchildren starting fires, which is the strategy Talboys promotes.

American studies identify half a dozen types of arsonists; these two would fit into the ‘excitement-motivated’ arson category, often men between 18-30.  Blaming children was the favourite option; it is now discredited.  The Council may wish to do more research on this one.

You may be interested to know that Talboy’s figures are slightly at odds with figures supplied by Grampian Fire.  Then again, media reports would seem to say there have been more fires than either of these sources.  I would love to tell you what Grampian Fire had to say:  but they have qualified that their statistics are subject to copyright and are for personal use and not publication!  I await clarification and will report once they explain themselves.

At least someone in power loves Tullos.  When the fires were blazing in May of this year, Fraser Burr of Grampian Fire (Risk Reduction) told the BBC:

“It would be a shame to see such a beautiful area of the city, enjoyed by hundreds throughout the year, ruined by wilful fire raising”. – (BBC News 22 May 2011)

I spoke to a New York-based former fire department captain; he seriously disputes Talboy’s contention that young or mature trees are relatively safe from fire. California for one example habitually fights forest fires that are vast in area; the size of the trees makes the fire considerably more dangerous than a few burning gorse bushes.  Wind makes the problem far worse.

Fact:  Tullos Hill is extremely windy at times.  People often need to be evacuated from their homes when the fires rage (also seen in Europe) – who will promise this will not happen here with 40,000 trees virtually on top of residential and industrial areas as Tullos is?  My fire-fighter source said ‘there is no magic plant that doesn’t burn’.

He also posed a hypothetical question and asked me why these people are so fixed on planting these trees in this location.  I have asked, but I have no answer.  He then jokingly said ‘who’s getting kickback?’  We both laughed.

Your Community Councils at work

When the truth came out about the secret cull plans, community councils and citizens (in their thousands) condemned the plan and the way the City handled the public ‘phase 2’ consultation.  How did your local community council react?

I am writing this piece on the 13th of July.  The Minute of the Housing & Environment Committee meeting of May 10 is still not available on the Council’s website a mere 2 months after the fact.  It was at this meeting that Andy Finlayson and I had both put in delegations to speak about the deer cull and Tullos Hill, for all the reasons that had emerged since the cull was first brought up.

It was because there was no written report on the deer – only a verbal one which had been requested by Malone – that we were not automatically allowed to speak.  Abuse of process springs to mind.  In the event, the matter of our delegations was put to a vote and only a handful of councillors supported letting the truth be heard.

I have been waiting to check the accuracy of these Minutes; for one thing I admit I got confused as to whether Andy Finlayson was from Nigg or rather from Cove (which I now understand to be the truth).  Finlayson was the other would-be speaker.  Maybe after another two months have passed, the Minutes will be published and I can double-check this point.

But take note:  in another two months it will be the season for the cull:  could our City be deliberately stalling us until it is too late for the deer?

Community Councils are your elected local representatives.  The City has a duty to consult with them on local issues – something sadly lacking on this issue, let alone the massive Loirston AFC football ground which will fragment the greenbelt.  Nigg CC is very busy with this important issue.

The City is not consulting, and it is certainly not listening.  Here are what the Councils are saying – how did yours react?

Kincorth (population 8,300) –  ‘Abhorrence’

Kincorth Community Council resolved at its May 2011 meeting:

“Item 10.1 The City Council has agreed to the killing of the deer on Tullos Hill but have stated it will be done as humanely as possible. The Chair asked the Secretary to write indication our abhorrence at this decision”.

Kincorth spokesperson Graham Bennett, quoted in the Press & Journal, 13 May:

“We are all united.  We deplore the willingness of the City Council to cull the deer.  We all agreed we didn’t want a tree planted for every citizen.  These are defenceless animals.  We would rather do without the trees and have the deer.”

I spoke to a member of Kincorth CC; they are all outraged and want the hill to remain as it is, with the deer continuing to live there.  My contact cites the fact that the ‘phase 2 consultation’ said nothing about the deer cull, yet mentioned rabbit fencing.

This is one of the strongest points of contention – the public and community councils were deliberately kept in the dark about the deer cull.  This is proved clearly in the 25 November letter the SNH sent to the City Council, stating the need to ‘manage’ the public over the cull.

It seems SNH are fully aware that culling these animals in general is an issue – but to kill animals in order to protect non-existent trees is ‘abhorrent’.  (More about the SNH and its recent deer consultation next week).  The word ‘abhorrent’ is also how the Scottish Society for the Protection of Animals and Kincorth Community Council describe this LibDem plan.

Torry  (population c 9,400) –  Unanimous condemnation of the cull

Torry Community Council allowed me to speak at its meeting in May on the cull; they had been informed about the trees in some detail – minus the crucial detail of the deer cull.  

The 14 members present voted unanimously to condemn the cull and to write to the City to protest the cull and the lack of consultation.  Talboys specifically communicated with Torry about the trees, without ever mentioning a deer cull.

To put it mildly, the Council and the residents of Torry are Not Happy.

Cove & Altens (population 7,100) –  Chairman gagged by Malone

On 10th May Cove’s Chairman Andy Finlayson attempted to address the Housing & Environment Committee over the cull and all the issues which had arisen (lack of consultation with CCs, no reference made in the public consultation documents, etc.).

Aileen Malone initially referred to him as the ‘gentleman from Cove Community Centre’ as opposed to his status as duly-elected Council member.  On the technicality of there being no written report on the deer – only a verbal one – Cove’s representative was unable to raise the many points which the Council had kept out of the public domain which were relevant to the tree scheme.

“We are totally against it, basically… the community council is unanimous and everyone in the area we speak to is against it…the message is, stuff the trees – we would rather have the deer.” – Andy Finlayson, Chair, Cove & Altens CC, Press & Journal 13 May 2011

Nigg  (population 8,200)  – a history of concern for animal welfare

I think the majority of the Community Council are against it (the cull)” – James Brownhill, Nigg CC – Press & Journal, 13 May 2011

Nigg is committed to preserving its greenbelt land as its actions and its website attest.  It is doing all it can to stop the ridiculous AFC stadium plans which will see a 21,000 seat stadium plunked in the middle of the greenbelt to its permanent injury.  A year ago, the Nigg Community Council April Minutes had this entry:

“Lochinch Visitors Centre Deer-  thanks to activity of Cllr Cooney, Nigg CC, Jenny Gall and Vivienne McCulloch, deer had been saved from culling and will live out their lives in their current (but reduced) enclosure.”

Before the furore broke out over Tullos Hill, Councillor Neil Cooney and others from Nigg were already going to bat against needless slaughter of our indigenous animals when tame deer were earmarked for needless slaughter.

One year later at its 14 April 2011 meeting, Nigg CC resolved:

“Proposed Deer Cull Tullos Hill – Majority against proposal. Lack of deer management policy holding up planting of trees under ‘tree for every citizen’ scheme.”

Nigg’s Council met again on 12 May 2011 after the Housing Committee’s undemocratic debacle over the deer and would-be speakers.  Nigg’s minutes read:

“Proposed Deer Cull Tullos Hill. Decision to cull deer city-wide approved by ACC Councillors. SNH recommended cull to save deer from starvation. Nigg CC still not happy with this decision”.

I disagree with the comment about starvation, and wonder if SNH have actually said the deer at Tullos will starve – they are in no present danger of that as things stand.  But this is a very minor point concerning the minutes.  When it comes to accuracy in Minute taking, Cults has managed to create an interesting document indeed.

Cults:  (population 10,824)  – An important debate with Cllr Aileen Malone

I spoke to Cults Bieldside Milltimber Community Council on 26 May where Aileen Malone and I finally had the debate she had so far resisted (again, she would not let me speak to the Housing committee which she convenes; and she was too busy one Sunday morning in May to spare 20 minutes to debate the issue with me on Northsound).

In my initial request to speak to Cults, I sent them newspaper cuttings that Torry, Kincorth, Nigg and Cove & Altens Community Councils were opposed to the scheme, as well as the Scottish SPCA.  I sent them articles on the SNH letter which shows the City wanted to keep the cull quiet.  In these circumstances I was asking Cults CC to let me address its May meeting and specifically to follow suit.

The community council meeting that ensued was interesting (and heated) on several points.  Mike Shepherd of Friends of Union Terrace Gardens was there to discuss the future of the gardens, and Aileen Malone stated that there would definitely be a public vote on whether to go ahead with any scheme for Union Terrace Gardens.

At my request she repeated this was the truth, and that the only question unresolved was whether residents in the shire as well as the city would get a vote.

I wrote an article on this Cults BM CC meeting.  I wrote it that night and the next day with my own shorthand notes taken on the night (amongst other things, I have been a secretary minuting meetings for some 25 years, and like to think I have some skill and experience in this area).

My notes reflect that Cults BM CC was going to write to Aberdeen City Council to express a position opposed to the Tullos Cull; I asked the secretary on the night if I could have a copy of any letter they sent; the secretary agreed.
See: you’re-shooting-yourself-in-the-foot-cults-cc-tells-malone

This is what came out in the Cults BM CC Minutes for that meeting:

“Tullos Hill Deer Cull (Peter Reiss)

The Community Council had been made aware of resentment in parts of the city towards the plans to cull some of the local roe deer, seemingly triggered by the need to limit damage to new trees to be planted on Tullos Hill. Suzanne Kelly a Torry resident had written to CBMCC to ask if the CC would take a position on this matter.

In discussion the following points were made:

– The tree planting drive is an election commitment of the current LibDem administration

– Funding from EU and other sources requires best practice and best value for money.

– Due to problems with earlier plantings, City will not get any more funding for tree planting unless a robust roe deer management programme is in place,

– Deer have no natural predators in Scotland. Aberdeenshire, Moray and private estates have a deer cull policy in place. Aberdeen City has management programmes for several other wild animals – e.g., rabbits – but not one for deer.

– A management programme that includes an annual deer cull of about 30 animals has been agreed recently by the City’s Environment Committee. This is a city wide programme but will help to reduce damage to new plantings in Tullos  where some 10 to 15 deer will be culled.

– Objectors say that there has been insufficient consultation on this programme. They would prefer fencing or other positive tree protection rather than killing deer. They are extremely unhappy about the Committee’s request to them to raise £225 000 for 10 years deer fencing as there is no council money to pay for that alternative.

The CC resolved that the deer culling policy appears to be a separate issue not just related to the planting of trees.

Post –meeting note: City tree specialists have been invited to speak in the next community council meeting.”

(Cults Bieldside Milltimber Community Council Minute 26 May 2011)

I have added italics to the excerpt above where the minutes have gone back to repeating verbatim the City Council’s double-speak, sweeping statements about deer culls in general.  Readers of previous stories or Council documents will find a familiar ring to the Cults minutes.

General tree planting issues aside, the Tullos Hill deer have survived in the existing ecosystem – an ecosystem enjoyed by the public as well which the neighbouring Community Councils have clearly said they want kept as is.

I have  also italicised the ‘post meeting note’ wherein someone has invited tree specialists to speak at the June meeting (I would have gone to that had I been informed or had I seen these May minutes in time).  So, without any counterpoint some ‘tree experts’ were called in to explain the City’s perspective on killing deer and planting trees.  Again, who was there to explain all of the issues specific to Tullos?

I will look at those minutes when they are issued.   

It now transpires that Peter Leonard, council officer, is deploying council tree experts to speak to the community councils.  This is what Leonard has to say (I have put the particularly objectionable phrases in bold) in a Freedom of Information Request answer:

The Community Councils who have objected have not been in possession of the full picture of the project, some who have no planting areas within their areas will have had no information about the project from the team delivering the project as there was no requirement to consult on a project that was not within their area.

“Officers from Housing and Environment have offered to attend the community councils who have written in opposing the cull (Kincorth & Leggart and Cults Bieldside and Milltimber, Cove and Altens Community Councils) to present the full picture about The Tree for Every Citizen Project including the deer management proposals so they can make an informed decision.

To date any decision they will have made will have been based on the information published in the media which has not given the full and balanced picture. Officers will be prepared to undertake similar presentations to other community councils covering areas where there are sites proposed for tree planting if invited.”

Personally, I find his comments about the community councils’ decision-making process extremely patronising: how does he know where these elected groups got information from and why does he assume it is only from the media? If people are not in full possession of all the facts this is the Council’s fault – they launched the ‘phase 2 consultation’ over six months ago, and it was a very flawed document. I certainly have been asking for information since then, largely without any real answer.

There is currently no plantation of young trees on Tullos requiring a cull.  The whole point is that there do not need to be this number of trees there, and the local community councils representing some 25,000 people said they do not want the trees.

Attention city officials and councillors:

These two reasons alone should be enough to stop your plans.  But if this is not enough for you, then we will examine your past planting failure and your cavalier attitude towards facts as well as other issues next week. 

Do feel free to weigh in – remember, Aberdeen Voice wants articles from all points of view.  Nothing is stopping you from making your point.

 

Jul 152011
 

Charlie Mingin, the Auchnaclatt Bugle’s ‘Weel-Chilled Chiel’ columnist, guests for Voice this week, giving the bebop lowdown for hep cats and byre tabbies, doffing his hiply-angled Panama in the direction of The Fast Show’s Louis Balfour. Fingerprints on Cattle Cake’s ‘bone believed to be those of George Anderson….

Jock Kerouac and the Beet Generation on the road again after sell out concert in Daviot

Within twenty minutes of going on sale, both tickets for Coos in the Park had been snapped up amid fears that a surge in demand might crash Ticketmaster’s system.

I was one of the lucky ones. The minute the ticket tumbled through my letterbox, a vibe in these old jazzman bones of mine told me that something crazy was about to go down in Daviot.

And was I right, Daddy-O?

The concert in The Byre, the north east’s premier teuchter-jazz club demonstrated that Jock Kerouac and The Beet Generation were right back on top where they belonged. On the night, their fusion of bothy ballads and sixties jazz really razzed my berries.

Yes, there were mistakes. Somewhere approaching the middle eight of the opening number, Lousin Time, and half way through his third reefer of the night, Jock realised that the double bass he thought he’d been playing for the last half hour was actually still in the tipper truck that ca’d neeps during the day and transported the band to gigs in the evening. Undaunted, he rattled off the piece’s twenty minute double bass solo on his galuses. Beat that for improvisation.

I’ve been a fan of The Beet Generation since I first saw them perform at Gamrie’s Clockin Hen nightclub in 1987. Granted, nobody asked them to play but they managed to knock off their own rewrite of a Billy Joel classic, In the Midden of the Night before the bouncers got Jock in a headlock, huckled him head first out through the fire exit and into the car park where they pinned him down until the police arrived.

The band’s line up hasn’t changed since the Gamrie gig:

Jock Kerouac on double bass
Ronnie ‘The Rooser’ Roberts on Stylophone
‘Cattle Cake’ Collins on slide trombone
‘Sheep Dip’ Danny Dawkins on trumpet, electric bongos and steam harpsichord.

The first set was an intoxicating blend of old and new material, kicking off with three of my favourites: Lousin Time; Let’s Get Yokit! and Fa Cut Yer Hair an Cried Ye Baldy?

The lads ended the set with the title track from their latest album, We’re Aa Up the Wrang Dreel Noo.

Haste ye back, Jock, we can hardly wait for your next concert.

At the risk of rekindling the trad-bebop wars of the early sixties, Sid Rawlins, music critic of the Crovie Chronicle has given Voice an alternative view.

Bad Tunes A Go-Go as Kerouac’s Beet Generation Bomb at the Byre

Hepcat Harrison and the Kittlins were treated for shock at Turriff hospital last night following the murder of their teuchter-jazz classic, Let’s Get Yoakit! at the hands of jazz fraudsters Jock Kerouac and the woefully unmusical Beet Generation who somehow managed to make this classic track sound like a badly-tuned piano falling down a spiral staircase.

The scene of the crime: The Byre Club, Daviot.
Time of death, 7:30 pm Formartine time (GMT minus seventy years).

Bad jazz stands out like a toonser wearing nicky tams. And make no bones about it, this was jazz at its worst. The evening was not helped by the fact that Cattle-Cake Collins stopped mid-honk during Lousin Time to spray WD40 on his trombone slide.

I sort of liked the Beet Generation’s new project, We’re Aa Up the Wrang Dreel Noo. Yet overall, a lacklustre performance by over-rated musicians.

As Ray Charles would have said had he hailed from Kemnay, ‘Hit the road Jock, and dinna come back ony mair.’

Image credits:  
Trombone © Chris Johnson Dreamstime.com,
Double Bass Scroll © William Davis | Dreamstime.com 

Jun 102011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

Summer in Aberdeen.  Lighting the barbeque (rain permitting) then standing around it (to warm your hands up) while someone inevitably insists on taking over the cooking, ensuring you get a burger burnt on the outside yet still frozen inside.

Old Susannah is off for a spray-tan tomorrow so she’ll be bright orange (or maybe not) for the season’s most important event – the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens picnic.  My picnic basket has been dusted off, a few brewdogs put in the deep freeze, and raingear laid out (just in case) for the big day Saturday.

If you think the City’s economic future doesn’t depend on putting a carpark where the verdant remnant of the Denburn Valley is, then I will see you there Saturday.

Old Susannah was at the RGU students’ fashion show last Thursday as a guest of one of the lecturers; the designs on show were impressively creative and individualistic.  It was a professional, enjoyable show, but I hope they do better on the drink front next time.  I guess it is possible to have clothing that’s not been sewn in the third world by children in sweatshops after all.

The mini bottle of unchilled white wine however was not to my group’s taste, and we made a break for it to Cafe 52 for some cold beer and wine.  Since then, I’ve had a wee bit of my time taken up looking into the deer cull.  It’s not too late (I hope) to stop this madness.

But now it’s time for a definition or two.

Mathematics: (noun) classical discipline encompassing algebra, geometry, trigonometry; numeracy.

Maths was never my strongpoint.  I still haven’t figured out how we can guarantee our economic future by getting a TIF loan for £100 million or more while being £50 million in debt to get rid of Union Terrace Gardens.

Thankfully, that’s what ACSEF and the Council tell me will happen, and I’m quite prepared to take their word for it.  I’m not even smart enough to figure out how a Stadium at Loirston Loch for 21,000 people can work on 1400 parking places (or how the stadium’s plan to have 80 buses reach Loirston from College Street in 15 minutes flat is feasible.  I personally can’t get a bus from Torry to Nigg when it’s busy that takes less than half an hour.  Obviously I’m doing something wrong.).

I’m working on my math skills in the hopes I too can see how black and white our city’s thinking must be.

I guess I also have to work on the mathematics behind the Haudagain Roundabout situation and the proposed Paper mill housing development.  It is good to know that Aberdeen is the best in the UK at something – and it’s official:  we are the best at roundabout traffic jams.  I’d always thought traffic moved just a wee bit slowly in the part of town as people stopped to admire the lovely roundabout itself.  However, as ever:  the City has a plan.

And here is the mathematical sense behind it:

Take: 1 x congested roundabout

Subtract: 100 nearby Middlefield houses to be bulldozed

Add: 900 private dwellings (builder:  one Mr S Milne) near congested roundabout

Add: shops, offices, a medical centre, business units and riverside bistro (builder:  Mr Milne)

Equals = minimal impact on roundabout traffic.

That’s right.  There will be minimal impact on the roundabout per our Council.

Personally I would have thought that the massive number of people trying to get a table at the riverside bistro alone would have led to traffic standstill; I hope to have an invitation to the opening night.  The medical centre makes a nice addition to any housing scheme of this size; it is the Vaseline that lets these great housing plans slide through planning departments.  It will be an extremely useful medical centre, as all of the people stuck on the roundabout will need treatment for C02 inhalation and dehydration.

My other mathematical ignorance concerns the Tullos Hill deer:

Take: 30 deer (Council’s estimate) which normally live 5-7 years

Subtract: (I mean ‘kill’ – sorry, I mean ‘cull’) 9 male deer this year

Balance: 21 deer

Plant: 40,000 trees

Number of trees left for each deer to eat =  1,904

Old Susannah can eat and drink with the best of them, but had no idea how hungry these tiny little deer must be:  1,904 trees is a fair amount per deer.  If each deer ate only 5% of this figure, that’s still 95.2 saplings for each deer (of the remaining herd after we’ve ‘managed’ 9 males as the City wishes).  It is a complete mystery to me how these hungry critters manage to survive on Tullos at all given the lack of trees.  Alas, I have no degree in forestry, so it looks like I must take the experts’ advice:  deer are dangerous vermin which if left unchecked will eat.

Not in Crisis: (mod English phrase) – phrase used to reassure others that a given situation is under control or no cause for concern.

If you follow football (a game somewhat similar to what they do at Pittodrie), then you will know that FIFA is ‘not in crisis’.  For you or me allegations of corruption, vote-rigging, bribery and dishonesty might spell a bit of trouble.  For the Federation Internationale de Football Associations, such issues can be shrugged off.  It is because of FIFA’s high moral stance that footballers the world ‘round behave with such dignity, ethics and honesty.

Behind every great organisation there is a great man.

Milne Homes has Stewart; the Wood Group PSN has Sir Ian, and FIFA has President Blatter.  Mr Blatter is so very popular that no one ran against him in the latest FIFA presidential election.  Or something like that.  I guess the question is does a mere £100 million ‘inducement’ really amount to a bribe?  I think not.  FIFA does have a ‘Standards Statute’, which is a modern fiction classic.  It reads in part:

“The Standard Statues contain all the provisions that are intrinsic to any constitutive texts worthy of such description.  We are therefore calling upon the Associations to examine these statutes meticulously and incorporate all of the articles and principles covered into their own statutes – for their own benefit and for the Good of the Game” – Joseph S Blatter

I love a good read, and gave the Statues a once-over.  However, I did not find the proper etiquette for accepting brown envelopes filled with money.  Perhaps someone here in Aberdeen can help with that.  In any event, it is hoped that all the world’s football associations will soon behave as Mr Blatter wishes.  Heaven forbid anything happens to put the beautiful game into disrepute.

Quasi-serious note

Last Christmas I put in a serious note about the holidays not having to be the beautiful family and friend-filled affairs that the TV commercials present.

Not everyone had 20 friends round their tree drinking eggnog before a horse-drawn sleigh ride.  Summer is rather the same.  The media tells you that you must look fantastic in your bathing suit (if it ever gets warm enough to put it on).  You must play volleyball on a sandy sunny beach and drink orange soda the same colour as your skin.

Don’t for a moment assume that everyone will be having tropical holidays and drinking cocktails from coconut shells under palm trees.  The economy is not great (despite the best efforts of ACSEF and ACC).  You might have your worries.  Take a ‘staycation’.  Visit Scotland.  Visit Tullos Hill for that matter.

But don’t let some false media advertising imagery fool you.  And if you are like many people struggling with one thing and another, remember:  at least you’re not Ryan Giggs.

Jun 102011
 

By Suzanne Kelly.

Aberdeen Voice’s photographer and IT technical master (otherwise known as Rob) and I paid a visit this past Easter Sunday to Loirston Loch.

It was a quiet afternoon; there were only a few anglers and a handful of walkers.  Most people were probably at home with families for the Easter Holiday, and Rob and I took full advantage of the lack of people to explore the area.

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It was too early in the season for many flowers to be out, but we saw some very delicate wildflowers, some bluebells about to blossom, and some primrose.

There were several swans on the loch, which was still but for the occasional movement of those fishing. You could easily forget that Union Square was up the road.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t forget that a giant stadium will forever ruin this tranquillity.

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One of the first sights that met our eyes was the now-famous welcome sign.

The sign was erected by the City Council and tells Loirston’s visitors why the land should not be built on.
I was almost surprised the Council had not removed it. (I had written a letter that was printed in the Scotsman, when I first heard the area was earmarked for Aberdeen Football Club’s new home; this was in May 2009).

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It is still inconceivable that anyone could possibly consider destroying this nature sanctuary.

Supposedly Loirston is in an SAC.  Plunking a 21,000-seat stadium down, which will ‘glow red in the dark’ with 1400 parking spaces will fragment the greenbelt.  Building a giant structure in the fields near the loch will take valuable hunting, living and breeding area away from the wildlife.  This is being euphemistically billed by stadium supporters as ‘creating a wildlife corridor.’

Rob spotted a Heron overhead; it was majestic.  On my previous visit I saw a buzzard in flight.  Will these and other creatures return when there are football crowds next door?

We noted the use of tree guards – an option apparently not suitable for the planned tree plantation up the road at Tullos Hill.

Rob and I looked around the perimeter of the area and near the Lochinch Farm Interpretation Centre.  The City is great at making sweeping statements about biodiversity and reducing CO2 emissions – how precisely this squares with the planned stadium is another matter.

s

I recalled the public hearing on the Stadium plan; Nigg Community Council was an objector, and had been left out of relevant consultations.

The Tullos Hill deer cull has likewise not properly consulted with Torry Community Council, and like the Loirston Loch situation – the public’s opinion seems to have no weight whatsoever with our elected officials.

s

It’s likely Stewart Milne and the proponents of the stadium feel that the stadium is a done deal.  They will find that this is certainly not the case.

Planning permission has been granted, and the Scottish Parliament did not call in the plan.  This is not the same as having the stadium built.
There are several communities and community councils opposing the stadium.

If you can find the time, do go visit Loirston.  If after your visit you have feelings one way or another about building the stadium, its offices and parking, etc. in the area, please do tell your elected representative.  It’s not too late to do something.

More from me on Loirston in the near future.

 

May 202011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

With a tear in my eye I bid farewell to ex councillor Scott Cassie; he’s been sent down for a year.  No, not for the moustache, hair and other crimes against fashion, but for years of borrowing your money and mine at very favourable terms.  Over the years a large (but unknown) sum of or money has disappeared into a black hole and appears to have benefitted Mr Cassie.  As clever as they usually are about money, none of his Lib Dem political party mates knew anything about the missing money, even though it was going on for some 10 years.

My favourite bit of this tale is about an alleged forgery.

It seems someone faked the signature of an ex Garthdee Community Councillor on some accounts involved in the scams. The fact the woman whose signature was seemingly forged was partially blind, over 70, and no longer involved with the council were no barrier to the intelligence of the thief or thieves who thought they’d sign her name.
A year in jail for Cassie – but will there be an investigation leading to others going down? This would probably just be a waste of taxpayer money (and we can’t have that); his lovely wife was cleared of knowing anything at all. Which is obviously true, say her former friends.

It would not be fair to expect our Council to figure out things any faster than they did. After all, there was the £50 million hole in the City’s finances to deal with for one thing. Then more recently we had an enterprising social worker who decided she needed lots of goods for herself, and there is the council employee who has made off with a five-figure sum. Just because the thefts weren’t picked up over the past several years is no reason to think Cassie wasn’t on his own in the crimes.

It was very noble of him to become an independent councillor so as not to tarnish the good name of his former political party – which like everyone else didn’t know anything was going on.  Obviously he had no intention of standing down – there was a street named after him, and all those people who needed his help.  And of course there was the money.  The way he continued to vote on important measures while siphoning funds shows a kind of dedication that few possess.

The fact that he often voted the same way as his former party the Lib Dems wanted just shows he had true conviction back then, just like the conviction he definitely has now. But don’t lose any sleep – we still have enough money to clean buildings and erect statues.   With time off for good behaviour and his great character, he’ll probably be back in his local this time next week.

Justice has come to two other people this week. First fox-hunting golfer Donald Forbes has finally been fined £750 for battering a wild, savage, giant, dangerous fox with a golf club.

As well as looking for a new place to play golf, Forbes might need a new job, since he is clearly rather confused and forgetful. First he told people he’d clubbed the fox. Then he said he didn’t. Then he said he told the fox to leave his golf bag alone but the fox didn’t respond (very rude fox).

Then the fox was transformed in his story into some kind of sabre-toothed tiger giant killer which he thought was going to kill him. Then he might have hit the fox. If he can’t remember whether or not he inflicted the life-threatening beast with life-threatening injuries, perhaps he’s too confused to continue in whatever job he has?

And spare a thought for child-battering Cove apprentice Matthew Brown.

Brown, 20 decided to head-butt a 12 year old boy some months back for daring to wear a Celtic strip in public. Brown will do community service and pay a fine, and is banned from his club. His barrister said that Brown’s actions already had consequences. I’d never realised actions had consequences before this, and have made a note for future reference.

Anyway, time for a quick definition before I get my picnic hamper out for the Tullos Hill picnic this Sunday at 3pm – see you there I hope. We will be trying to see wildflowers and wildlife – or was that wildfires?
https://aberdeenvoice.com/2011/05/tullos-hill-ablaze/

Either way, Tullos Hill provides an iconic, vibrant civic heart in the countryside. However, it would be better if it had walk-on/walk-off access from all sides, and the unsightly Wellington Road were covered over, too. Perhaps we could have a coffee shop and some parking to go with the unwanted 40,000 trees?

We are supposed to think the trees will spell the end for the decades of arson that have flourished on the hill. If nothing else, the trees will spell the end for the orchids, deer and other wildlife that have flourished on the hill. Thank you Ms Malone. And don’t worry – just because you are ramming this tree scheme down everyone’s throat, no one will ever hold you accountable for any future forest fires or the destruction of the creatures which live there now; most of which don’t even pay tax. If the arsonists are at work I’m ready – I’ve bought lots of marshmallows to toast.

Denial

noun 1. A river near de pyramids.
noun 2. a mental state characterised by refusal to accept facts. A childlike inability to accept a particular truth or truths.

Perhaps a few examples of denial will help clarify the word’s meaning. Councillor Aileen Malone is in denial over her scheme to kill a deer for every citizen – sorry – plant a tree for every citizen.   She thinks only a cull will do – and she thinks the trees must be planted.

A few thousand people might be against her; the local community councils are outraged – but she knows best.  She recently told one of the local newspapers the cull would just go ahead and things would quiet down. Sounds like denial to Old Susannah. I was there at the Committee meeting trying to speak; so was a representative of Nigg Community Council.

HoMalone led the refusal to allow speakers to address the committee; she reminded me of a child putting its hands over its ears and singing when being told something it didn’t like. Malone told the press that the committee:

“…hopes we can now get on with the scheme to plant a tree for every citizen, which we are desperate to do.”

She may be a desperate creature indeed, but who exactly is really, really desperate to plant these trees? Is anyone in St Nicholas House just as desperate say to improve the schools, services, roads, care homes, run-down properties which this city has in spades? Apparently not. Malone’s got her mantra ‘a tree for every citizen’ and nothing will stop it – not common sense, not fair play, not democracy, not openness, not arsonists, and certainly not community councils or deer. Got to admire her strength of will if not strength of character.

Another textbook example of denial comes from me, I am sorry to say.

The PR team backing the Malcolm Read Union Terrace Gardens scheme wants me to admit that they are right and the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens and I are wrong – well, about everything. I wrote to a Ms Zoe Corsi for information – I wrongly believed the majority wanted the gardens left alone, and I expressed concern over wildlife, and how Peacock had been treated.

She wrote back to correct my obvious error over the popularity of plans to raise the gardens.

It must be denial on my part, because I thought the majority of people in Aberdeen wanted the gardens left alone. Obviously such people just aren’t clever enough to see how wonderful a shopping mall, international cafe and car parking will be – probably because we have no experience of these treasures. I even think the whole scheme is just a land-grab by the rich of a city centre real estate opportunity, so obviously my judgment is well off.

Anyway, I thought that since over 700 people objected to changing UTG in the recent local plan consultation (ugh – that word ‘consultation’ again) and less than 10 people wrote in wanting the gardens filled in that this indicated some kind of majority against the scheme. I also thought the initial consultation was flawed – but it still showed people want the gardens to stay as they are. Ms Corsi’s attempt to straighten my flawed thinking out includes the following:-

“Firstly, it is incorrect to say that the majority of Aberdeen residents want the gardens left as they are. We are aware that friends of Union Terrace Gardens want to retain the gardens in their current form but we are also aware of the widespread support for the project.

“The consultation carried out in early 2009 revealed that just under 50% of the 11,000 who participated – less than 10% of the population – were very much for the project and of those who were opposed to it, largely based on erroneous information, the majority indicated they wanted change and felt the gardens were inaccessible and under-used”

You see – my understanding is ‘erroneous information’, and her information is correct. For those of you who like me think the gardens should stay as they are – accept it: we are wrong, and we are in denial. Should I send her an apology?

Quiz results:- ( from last week )

Question 1: Billionaire Sir Ian Wood had his photo in the Evening Express this week on the occasion of having been put on the UK’s rich list.  He posed in front of a verdant green background ablaze with red flowers, against a dramatic Aberdeen city centre skyline.  Where was this eyesore, and what should become of it?

Answer: the eyesore Wood was in front of Union Terrace Gardens.  He may need some cosmetic work done – but the gardens should be left alone.

Question 2: Match the cartoon character in Aberdeen with their fictional counterpart
Reasons of space prevent me from giving the answers – which you all got right anyway.

Question 3: What percentage of £50,000,000 (the sum Sir Ian promises for his Union Terrace Garden parking lot) would £225,000 (the sum demanded not to shoot the Tullos Hill Roe deer) represent?

Answer: d.  0.5% (approx)

At the time of writing, none of our altruistic millionaires or billionaires have done anything to help.  One is probably busy putting most of his employees offshore to avoid paying UK tax, and the other notable figure that springs to mind is busy on a court case where he is seemingly trying to pay money to Aberdeen City over a land deal.

Question 4: Which is an endangered species:  The Tullos Hill Roe Deer or the Liberal Democrats, which were so badly wounded in the recent election.  Deer, Dems – or both?

Answer: The Roe Deer at least  have thousands of people who want to help them – the LibDems certainly have nothing like that.  We may see the end of this species yet.

Question 5:

(a) Tiebreaker (answer question of your choice):  How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answers included:

‘that’s not funny’,

‘we don’t have enough money to change any lightbulbs’,

‘depends what David Cameron says’ – and a few other answers which are not fit for publication – but are very funny indeed.

(b) Why did the LibDem cross the road?

Answers included:

‘they were just moving to the right’,

‘they saw a mob of taxpayers and legged it’ – and again other responses not fit for a family publication.

 

The winner of the competition has asked to remain anonymous – they are connected to the Council, and reading the Aberdeen Voice is a no-no.  But our Brewdog appointment is set.

Next week:  more definitions and some updates…

 

May 122011
 

By Bob Smith.

I hiv a dream
Said yon Martin Luther King
I ti hiv a dream
Some happiness for ti bring

I hiv a dream
The toon centre’s free o cars
I hiv a dream
Acsef are sent ti Mars

I hiv a dream
Ti banish aa poverty
I hiv a dream
Fae “money men” we’re aa free

I hiv a dream
We’ve nae bond wi drugs an booze
I hiv a dream
Rangers an Celtic aywis lose

I hiv a dream
Oor toon’s clean an bricht
I hiv a dream
The granite’s gien a dicht

I hiv a dream
Stop worshipin at the “money”altar
I hiv a dream
Multi Nationals start ti falter

I hiv a dream
Dinna listen ti Donald’s bling
I hiv a dream

Menie faimilies start ti sing

I hiv a dream
UTG’s left aleen as weel
I hiv a dream
Oor cooncil is less feel

I hiv a dream
Fowk see sense unfurled
I hiv a dream
We aa bide in a better warld

I hiv a dream
P&J’s nae langer the Trump Gazette
I hiv a dream
An impartial view ye’ll get

I hiv a dream
The sma shoppie it survives
I hiv a dream
Supermarkets nae langer thrive

I hiv a dream
Dons win a European Cup
I hiv iss dream
Syne I waaken up

I hiv a dream
We aa live in peace
I hiv a dream
Iss wid be some eese

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

 

May 122011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah, thrown by the absence of interesting local news this week, takes us on a humorous diversion and challenges our grasp of local knowledge.

Not much going on in the Granite City this week.   There is the lovely new £120,000 statue of Robert the Bruce for openers; I have seen people gasping at awe at this wonder.

Some old Lib Dem was found guilty of hanging about in a dodgy part of town at night, apparently looking after the well-being of his younger constituents.
Then again, perhaps he was only after some votes or help with his polI.   There was also something about a deer cull, but I can’t recall what it was.  Doubtless the Council have everything in hand.

Perhaps it’s time for a bit of humour, and so here is the first (and maybe last) Old Susannah News Quiz.  The first correct entry drawn out of a hat wins a coffee date with Aileen Malone (to be confirmed), or failing that, I will plant a tree in my garden in the winner’s name.   Or buy you a Brewdog (proof of age required.  Drinking to excess can cause health problems and leave you looking like some of our councillors.  Don’t vote on important issues while drinking).

Good luck.  Actually – good luck to us all.

 

Question 1: Billionaire Sir Ian Wood had his photo in the Evening Express this week on the occasion of having been put on the UK’s rich list.  He posed in front of a verdant green background ablaze with red flowers, against a dramatic Aberdeen city centre skyline.  Where was this eyesore, and what should become of it?

Question 2: Match the cartoon character in Aberdeen with their fictional counterpart

a.  Dolores Umbridge – in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter novels Umbridge is described as short, squat, looking like a toad, and is often wearing pink sweaters (in an attempt to look a bit feminine).  She has iron-coloured curls, and works for the Government.  She is more often than not hurting the vulnerable and abusing her government office.  She wants to dominate everyone around her, and is a supporter of the forces of evil.

b.  Boss Hogg –  from the Dukes of Hazzard TV series and movie, this jumped up little man has his finger in every pie.  Greedy, scheming, unethical, always trying to own everything in the county.  Folically challenged, Boss Hogg often wore silly things on his head to disguise his baldness.  This short-of-stature villain was also short on morals and treated the police as his paid flunkies.

c.   Cruella deVil – a coarse, cruel, scheming woman out to destroy innocent creatures for her own strange fulfilment.  Willing to stop at nothing to achieve her bloody ends.  Frightening to children of all ages.

d.  Father Ted – who can forget grey-haired Father Ted and the rest of Craggy Island’s inhabitants?  Father Ted, for all his scheming and quests for money, was always caught with his hand in the kitty, and was forever forced to explain financial conundrums.  “The money was only resting in my account” was his frequent catchphrase.

Fictional figures:

A.  Former Councillor Scott Cassie – he and his wife are helping police with their enquiries about a wee bit of missing money.  This didn’t stop Cassie from voting on some crucial recent issues (I seem to think I saw him at the Loirston Loch hearing).  Alas, he will no longer have a street named after him.  However, there is a rumour that one of the Cayman Island Banks now offers a ‘Scott Cassie Emergency Fund’ account.

B.  Millionaire Propety Typhoon Stewart Milne – loads of money, just not enough to spend on improving AFC’s team or – heaven forfend – to solve the deer cull crisis at one go.  Good at buying property at less than market value from our ever-vigilant City Council.  Value for Money indeed.

C.  The Nation’s sweetheart Aileen ‘Ho’Malone – Who can forget her brave stance on the deer cull issue?  She alone was not afraid to stifle Nigg Community Council (and yours truly) from speaking this week before the Committee she convenes decided to shoot the deer.  She is all hart, and with her doe-eyed stare, her inner compassion and honesty shine through.  I wonder if she has any fur coats?

D.  Go-getting Kate Dean – Planning supremo.  What can I say about this woman that hasn’t already been said (or that would pass the censors)?  ‘I was elected to do a job, and I’m going to do it’ was her rallying-cry during the cuts protests.  When she is going to start doing what she was elected to do (or resign) is anyone’s guess.

Question 3: What percentage of £50,000,000 (the sum Sir Ian promises for his Union Terrace Garden parking lot) would £225,000 (the sum demanded not to shoot the Tullos Hill Roe deer) represent?  Is it:  a. 10%,   b. 1%,  c. .5%  or  d.  0.5%?

Question 4: Which is an endangered species:  The Tullos Hill Roe Deer or the Liberal Democrats, which were so badly wounded in the recent election.  Deer, Dems – or both?

Question 5: Tiebreaker (answer question of your choice):  How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?  Why did the LibDem cross the road?

 

I trust you will all forgive me (or maybe you’re glad) that I am putting in a shorter than usual piece this week.  I’ve been busy fighting the forces of evil, and in pursuing a Freedom of Information appeal, which may yet prove very interesting.  Can’t say more than that yet.

But I can say thank you to those people in the media (Danny Law especially), all the campaigners (you know who you are), and the four brave  councillors who stood up for the deer.  One thing I will say is that the issue will not, despite HoMalone’s wishes, go away.

May 062011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

Old Susannah checked her mailbox every day for the past few weeks, but never did get the invitation to the royal wedding.

I still went to London – not to stand out side of the palace to look at two people kissing, mind you – but just to see some friends and catch up on the latest fashions.  Just as well I didn’t go – I would have been wearing the same outfit and hat as Princess Beatrix (you remember the giant beige bow on her head?).

At the end of the day, I can safely say I was as emotional about the wedding as the rest of you .

Then it was time to vote.  The votes are still rolling at while I am writing; no doubt there will be some surprises.  Next year’s election will be key for Aberdeen; if we can only persuade the talented, selfless, intelligent individuals we have in the City Council to stay in place, we can look forward to more of the same prosperity, open government, security and prestige that we have today.

You won’t be surprised to hear that the Tullos Hill Roe Deer are still very high on every thinking person’s agenda – on the 10th I will approach HoMalone and her Committee, asking for a chance to speak on the subject.

Theoretically I shouldn’t be allowed to – the official papers for the Committee don’t mention the deer (these people don’t like mentioning deer, do they – whether in public consultations, or to the Torry Community Council).

No doubt they will let me speak, now that they know that Torry Community Council was bypassed in this sad affair and have unanimously condemned the cull.  Malone is quoted in the P&J this week as saying if the money isn’t offered for fencing, then the deer die.  Still, she sent me an email saying the Committee members were going to vote on the cull.

It is almost as if she is not sure of what is going on.  Still, my being at the Council should give her and me a nice chance to chat and get to know each other.  I hope she will be very happy in the £60 million Marischal building at her new desk in her new chair, safe in the knowledge she saved the taxpayer £225,000 for fencing.

But on with some definitions….

POLICE STATE SPECIAL

Firstly, most of the police are simply trying to keep the peace and keep us safe.  Hats off to them.  A small minority however are working for the rich and powerful, and some are (literally) taking the piss – I refer to the young officer who tried to dilute his drink-drive urine sample with water – what would have happened to one of us had we been caught in similar circumstances?

Patronise:
1.  to support, fund, encourage – e.g. the Renaissance painters were patronised by the wealthy and powerful Borgia and DeMedici families.  2.  to treat someone as infantile or childlike, or as otherwise incapable of understanding – unusually used in a derogatory sense.

A few months ago, our Grampian police cars sported the Stewart Milne Company logo – people who saw these cars did a double-take and stopped smoking funny cigarettes for a while – and then conducted some research.

It turns out that Stewart Milne Group is patronising the police by actually giving them money for some form of initiative or other.  In return the police take Milne advertising on their cars.  I have never seen this before.  I think it is a great plan.  Perhaps the BNP can pay for some new riot gear/crowd control equipment?  Who knows where this patronising/advertising scheme can take us?

Coincidentally, a few months ago at the Loirston Loch development hearing, the cost of policing the brand-new stadium was discussed – and it was suggested that AFC would have to bear the costs of policing any events.  I almost thought a faint shadow crossed Mr Milne’s shiny forehead at the words.  How unfair!  After all, the stadium will be to everyone’s benefit: the locals, farmers, wildlife – so we taxpayers should be proud to contribute.  I may make an extra contribution and see if I can get the police to wear ‘Old Susannah’ or ‘Aberdeen Voice’ badges on their lapels – we shall see.  At any rate, it must have been my imagination, but at this suggestion of AFC paying policing costs,

Fast forward to 2nd May and the Press & Journal.  Our very own – or rather Stewart Milne’s very own Chief of Police, has made a statement that AFC stewards can handle everything, and police are not needed.  I will have to take his word on this – he is the expert.  Any comments he made will of course be free from the fact that Milne has patronised the police.  No doubt a few stewards will have the same training, crowd control and knowledge of our local constabulary.  I would be quite happy for the police to continue their normal duties (ie contacting social activists about their activities and ‘incidents’ – see below).

Things are now so safe and violence free in the world of Scottish Football that letter-bombs are being posted to football managers, little boys are headbutted for wearing the wrong team’s jersey, and behaviour at ‘Old Firm’ matches are reminiscent of candlelit suppers.

So yes, the police are being patronised by Milne.  This has no influence on them at all.  I wonder, though – why do I feel just a little patronised?

Intimidate:

Verb.  to attempt to frighten with threats; to coerce, to deal with political activists.

I hope we are all behaving and keeping in line; if not, you might quite rightly get a social call from the police.

This may be to help them with an ‘incident’ or ‘inquiry’ about protest activity, your taking photos at Balmedie – sorry – Trumpland, or your publicising the fact Aberdeen City has one or two empty buildings which could be used.  The police will show up at  some convenient time, and to let you know they are not intimidating you, they might talk to your friends and employer.

If you have been so bold as to speak to security guards, then you will have some serious explaining to do – or that’s what some activists have just found out.  If this happens to you, you can always ask to go to the police station for a chat rather than having them in your home.  You can always call a lawyer and have them over should the police want a friendly word.  But you should never go public with such a visit – this might make the police involved look bad.  And we can’t have that.

Opportunity Theft:

Noun – a type of petty theivery facilitated by ease of access to the desired objects.

One October about 2-3 years ago, I  found a wallet with a fair amount of cash – but the ID was in Polish, and I had no clue how to contact the rightful owner.  So I dutifully turned it into the Grampian Police Station.

A woman in the lost and found property section (just through the door on the left as you enter the station) took the wallet.  She didn’t seem that keen to take my details, so I offered them.  I also asked her for a receipt, which she declined to give me – probably part of a cost-saving exercise so I thought.  Some weeks passed, and I called to find out if the wallet had been returned to its owner.  I spoke to a woman – I presume the same one who was extremely vague on  the subject.  “If the wallet isn’t claimed, you can have the money” she said.

A few months after that a small piece in the paper caught my eye:  a woman working for the police had been arrested for…. stealing items from the lost property section.  Apparently she had been ‘taking her work home with her’ over a number of months.  I guess a girl’s got to supplement her income somehow.  I have since found one or two other items – but if I can’t find out who owns them, then I hold onto them.

I don’t know what kind of sentence the woman received, but I am sure they will have wanted to make an example of her:  we can’t have bad cops can we?

Military Manoeuvre:

Noun – to practice for battle conditions by scaring the bejesus out of the locals.  Perhaps the invasion of northern Scotland is much more imminent than we realise:  the armed forces are continuously staging ‘exercises’ in our airspace.

We need exercises – it helps burn fuel, increase the demand for military equipment, and thus stimulates the economy.

The truly vigilant jet pilot on exercise will be poised to intercept any aircraft in his path in the interests of national security.  If any oil industry helicopters should happen to be in operation during a manoeuvre, then they get what they deserve.  The military can hardly be expected to tell the civil aviation authorities that an exercise is underway – it would spoil the surprise.

Last July a passenger-carrying offshore helicopter was involved in a near-miss with a Typhoon jet – the jet pilot obviously mistook the copter for an invasion force, perhaps from Greenland or Faroe.  Good on him – you can’t be too careful these days.  The cost of a Typhoon jet is about £90 million in case you’re looking for a last-minute gift.  There have been a few multimillion pound problems with delays, technical difficulties and the like – but I can speak for us all when I say we are much safer with these jets looking for enemies in our airspace.