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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 127 – Police, Academies

Opinion, Satire and Humour 4 Responses »

Jul 182013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Balmy evenings, hot days, dolphins playing in Nigg Harbour; things are looking pretty good in the Deen for a place with such poor connectivity. The Surf show of River Don photos has moved to 17 Belmont Street; at the opening Alicia Bruce gave an interesting talk, and some of the photographers discussed their work.

Art events, whether state-sponsored or not, are taking place despite the cultural bid being knocked out in an early round. Artists converged on BrewDog earlier this week, with artists creating more wall art, and everyone given a chance to create their own artwork as well.
Photographer Sam Brill took some brill shots of the goings-on ( See pic below ).

It was almost as if artwork and spontaneity can happen without being planned and controlled by non-artists.

To celebrate getting a year older, I had a great night at Cafe 52, complete with a great group of people and the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had, which was made with stout – thank you Dorothy B. I also had a lovely meal at Cafe Montmatre (the chocolate fondue dessert in particular was amazing); and some mysterious person sent champagne to my table as well, which went down very nicely indeed. Thank you mysterious benefactor.

Education is in the forefront of the news this week. School’s out for summer; schools are being merged, built, torn down and set fire to.

Graduating Uni students took their parents and friends to Union Terrace Gardens for photographs.
I suspect this is just to demonstrate the kind of hardships they’ve had to put up with while studying in the Deen, with its dark, dank scary park filled with deviants and druggies.

Many wonderful honorary degree candidates have been awarded diplomas as well; more on that later.

There are one or two coincidences in the news this week; one involves Aberdeen International Airport’s magazine, upBeat, sister to Trend magazine [what that? Ed]. Its latest issue extols the virtues of our favourite golf course:-

“All golfing eyes are on Aberdeen with the advent of the Trump International Golf Course. …the course has been voted both course of the year and the UK’s beset practice ground, by Golf Odyssey, a leading golf travel magazine. Looking ahead, the Trump resort will offer luxury accommodation in the Balmedie area, right on the coast.”

Isn’t that wonderful? Awards, luxury, and no mention of any problems.

Coincidentally, the same issue of upBeat has a full page front inside colour advert. Would you believe me if I told you this tasteful ad is for Trump’s Balmedie course? Well, it is! How very lucky to have the kind words appearing in the same issue as the ad.

This week’s definitions feature another coincidence and some university- and police-related definitions.

School Dinners: (mod English plural noun) cafeteria meals served to school children at meal times.

Known for their gourmet quality and popularity among children and school staff alike, I can truly say there is nothing like a school dinner.

In the news this week, government is being pressured to make taking these delicious, healthy lunches absolutely mandatory. The BBC reports that lobbyists want to ban packed lunches. We can’t have too much freedom of choice, can we – makes things confusing.

Coincidentally, banning packed lunches and mandatory school dinners would be very profitable – for the Leon restaurant chain, which have been involved in a government-commissioned school food review. Well, they weren’t going to come down in favour of children eating what they wanted or what their parents gave them, were they?

Sadly this attempt to gain further control by the state over children and parents is only in England so far.

I wonder which ConDem pals are behind this healthy option?

Since school meals are absolutely delicious and nutritious all the time, the little kids will be lapping this news up. Still, it might be better if they could be force-fed, just to make sure they ate as they were told.

If some lucky restaurant/catering company gets a few pounds more from the recommendations they themselves made, so much the better. It’s not as if we’ve had any food scares. And what could be better than a delicious British/English/Scottish/Welsh lunch at school? Yum!

The small fly in the ointment (or in the spag bol sauce) might just be the little revelation that most of our institutions are serving chicken from… Thailand.

Sure this might not be the most ecologically sound choice in terms of carbon footprint. It might not exactly be the best country in terms of animal welfare. This fact might not exactly be good news to UK farmers. But still, we’re saving money, even if causing further animal suffering, ignoring our own economy, and making interesting transport choices in terms of pollution.

I wonder which ConDem pals are behind this healthy option? Then again, it’s not a great amount, only 70% or so of chicken is coming from Thailand. It’s not as if we’re serving horsemeat or contaminated beef to the little nippers, is it?

Honorary Degree: (Eng. compound noun) a citation/diploma bestowed by an educational institution on a person worthy of receiving such a qualification in light of their achievements in the world.

Someone named Annie Lennox got an honorary degree this week; she’s a singer who sticks her nose into issues such as Union Terrace Gardens (when we know only famous football managers are allowed to comment on the gardens’ future). She’s also done lots of charity work, entertained people around the world, and campaigned on issues such as AIDS.

Bad luck Ms Lennox – you didn’t get a degree this time round from Robert Gordon University. It instead decided the person to honour was: ex BP supremo, Tony Hayward.

Tony gratefully and humbly accepted this honour , presumably from Chancellor Ian Wood, for his 30 years in the oil business. Less said about that little blip in the Gulf of Mexico, the better.

Of course Tony could have refused this degree, but why should he?

Haywire was in charge when the Deepwater Horizon incident happened. People lost lives, lost husbands and dads, and it was very gruelling indeed for Tony. He told the press he very much wanted his life back; it was all just a bit too demanding on his time.

Not so demanding though that he couldn’t go out sailing with Hay junior (presumably not in the Gulf of Mexico though).

RGU are being just a little bit modest in their awarding Tony this honour. They say that once it was on the table, they had to go ahead and honour him. Of course they did – when did RGU or Chancellor Sir Ian Wood ever go back on their word? (Voice Competition – send in your lists of Ian involved in contradictory statements/actions – longest list wins a prize. First hint to get you started – who said they would walk away if the public didn’t want the city gardens project?).

Of course Tony could have refused this degree, but why should he? Aside from issues of accountability, lack of cooperation with US investigators, denial, self-pity, or self-absorption, no reason I can think of.

Congratulations to Tony for joining other honourees including Donald Trump. If the unthinkable happens, and RGU ever did anything unpalatable or unethical, Wayward could do as Dr Kennedy did, and return his degree. More on the great man here, from Lena the Hyena http://lenathehyena.wordpress.com/2013/07/13/i-would-love-my-life-back-the-honouring-of-tony-hayward/

Undoubtedly, this great honour to a great guy to celebrate him getting his life back (unlike the 11 souls which were killed, and the thousands of birds and sea creatures killed) is completely justified.

The best part of these RGU degrees is the example they set to the students. Holding up Hayward and Trump as examples of what to aspire to, rewarding how they have proceeded through their careers, sends a clear message to students as to the importance of integrity, ethics, compassion and accountability.

Betting’s open for who will get an honorary RGU degree next year; favourite contenders are Ian Duncan Smith, Vlad the Impaler, George Osbourne, or Roger Pearce of Special Branch. “Who’s Pearce?” I hear you ask. Well, here is a tale of our chief freedom fighter…

Justified: (noun) Necessitated, explainable, required.

Sometimes it’s worth taking a minute to realise how important it is that police spy on us. Whatever they do, it’s for our own good. Here’s to the men and women – although in this case mostly men – who go to great lengths to blend into dangerous subversive groups to keep our nation free from democracy – SORRY – I mean to say they keep our nation a free democracy.

Scattered around the country, there are a dozen or so young people who will eventually get mandatory school dinners justifiably thrust down their throats; they may wind up on great university courses where they will learn ethics by example such as RGU. Their very existence is a shining testament to the vigorous vigilance, – and virility – of our brave, selfless undercover police.

This might seem outrageous, anti-democratic, exploitative of women

So thank you Roger Pearce of The Metropolitan Police’s Special Demonstration Squad, for running secret operations, keeping us safe in our beds. In the case of a dozen women, it was more a case of getting them into bed, having sex with them, and fathering children – all under false pretences.

Those brave undercover cops got under the covers to keep you and I safe – from middle class environmental protestors.

There can be no better example of how actions are justified than what Pearce told the BBC:-

“The objective was to gather secret political intelligence. Many in the Met as a whole wouldn’t have known about it and even within the branch it was kept very, very secret for 40 years,”

“People felt very awkward about doing it. People thought of the parents of the children who had died. But against that was the sense of mission and work for the country.”

“Most [of the creepy two-faced bastards – sorry – police] had families who had to also bear this other life they were leading at strange times of the week – weekends and evenings – so it was tough for the officers and tough for their families too. But I think what drove them on to do it was that it was seen as the pinnacle of their careers,” (Presumably their wives gave their consent for the police husbands to have unprotected sex with suspects and father children – how very giving of them – if they were consulted).

“on balance, distasteful in many ways though it was, set against the sense of mission and the sense that this was done for protection of national security, I believe it was justified“.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23256799
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-23224301

For ten years, Pearce signed off on operations where male officers took the identities of dead children (nb – the bereaved parents were thrilled to learn of this) in order to pretend to be protestors, spending years pretending to be friends, lovers, husbands.

This might seem outrageous, anti-democratic, exploitative of women if not actual sexual assault by sleazy narcissistic police officers, and so on. But rest assured – Pearce believed it was all justified, so that’s pretty much all right then.

Not just anyone would be willing to spend years fooling those around them, even after realising the protestors in question were harmless, non-violent average people who simply wanted to do their bit to protect the environment.

Not everyone would have had sex with women and got them pregnant to keep their cover. And not just any top cop would have signed the approvals needed for this to go on. you just can’t teach this kind of patriotism or ethics – perhaps doling out a few RGU diplomas to those involved would be a suitable reward.

Officer Bob Lambert was especially vigilant; he had his own children, but fathered a child with a woman named Jacqui. Oddly, she feels hard done by, and feels like she was ‘raped by the state.’ The Guardian has more on her story here http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/jun/24/undercover-police-spy-girlfriend-child

As ever, Private Eye has been on this story from its early days. No doubt more accounts of heroics will be forthcoming; Old Susannah will watch in admiration, and report back.

Just a little reminder.

Do enjoy the summer sun, but wear sunscreen. If you have children, don’t let them out for any length of time, cloudy or sunny, without a good child’s sun lotion. Unless you want to damage their health that is. Even a little sunburn for a child will be very dangerous and damaging.

Dogs need lots of water if you’re taking them on long walks, make sure you bring some water for them. And please don’t wind up like the Edinburgh policeman a few years back who killed his dog.

He left it in the hot car. Just for a moment. It’s dead, and that’s really all you need to know. Dogs die in hot cars – and in cars that don’t seem hot to you. Dogs also get stolen. If you wouldn’t want your dog dead or stolen, then don’t leave it alone. Enjoy your summer with sense.

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Paying Through The Nose: Part 1

Aberdeen City, News 17 Responses »

Nov 232012

In a move meant to demonstrate transparency in government, August 2012 saw the opening of a statutory period in which members of the public were able to view Aberdeen City Council’s financial year documents for 2011. In the first of a two-part investigation, Suzanne Kelly seeks answers but winds up with more questions.

In 2011 Aberdeen moved from being an SNP/Lib-Dem controlled city to an administration with a slim Labour majority.

Although drains on the public purse like the Tullos deer debacle and the development of the Granite Web’s TIF funding application were left behind, the public still had to bear the cost of the previous administration’s policies.

Staff at the ACC finance department were most helpful but the year-end document on display was not the detailed set of accounts I had hoped for.

The year-end statement made many claims about the city doing the best it could but most of the costs had already been lumped together and processed. I wanted to see actual invoices and spread sheets from some of the year’s more contentious projects (or at least those I knew of).

I provided the list of invoices and accounts I wished to examine and eventually received the information collated and ready to inspect. I have to say seeing the various costs involved is a far cry from reading the wonderfully prosaic year-end statement, and though I am still sifting through documents looking for answers, here are some issues that emerged.

Stewart Milne

ACC and Stewart Milne are in legal dispute over land transaction issues at Westhill. The city sold land to one arm of the Milne empire at far less than its market value on the understanding it would eventually see a share of any future profit.

At the same time Milne companies were buying and selling land at knockdown prices, they were submitting bids for council projects (at very narrow margins compared to the competition), winning work worth approximately £10m. The courts – including the highest in the UK – sided with ACC and Milne should by rights be settling his debt to the city.

Despite Milne entities refusing to pay ACC its rightful share of profit on the land transactions, instead dragging ACC (and therefore the taxpayer) through the courts, Milne had (and may still have) preferred bidder status for council contracts. Milne is assuredly carrying out work for the city, which in 2011 was rewarded as follows:

In fact, the 2011 ‘self-raised invoices’ reflect the following monies paid to Milne:

Reference	Amount
SB/P/10431	270,630.00
SB/P/10432	299,536.00
SB/P/10433	244,149.00
SB/P/10474	226,268.00
SB/P/10475	137,379.00
SB/P/10476	127,637.50
SB/P/10528	75,030.00
SB/P/10529	19,210.00
SB/P/10530	8,850.00
Job CH 12306	36,286.00
Job CH 12308	44,046.00
Job CH 2307	39,326.00
SB/P/10645	20,001.00
TOTAL	£1,548,348.50

The paperwork I was given is intriguing, referencing neither particular jobs nor targets reached. Indeed, three of the documents entirely lack a second sheet containing supplementary information.

The cover sheets I did receive refer, for example, to Bryan Park and Hayton Road, but fail to indicate exactly what work is being paid for, or if any target has been reached. For the sums involved, one might hope sufficient documentary back-up evidence does exist.

Wood Family Trust

The Wood Family Trust (WFT) is listed as having paid £160,000 towards the CGP referendum. The taxpayer chipped in £40,000.

The city also paid the WFT £22,000 for an educational pilot scheme involving Kincorth Academy ‘per contract’. What contract ACC and the WFT have entered into will make interesting reading. Perhaps other charitable trusts have contracted with ACC – but why a charity should be engaged by contract on an educational scheme is at present unclear.

https://aberdeenvoice.com/wp-content/gallery/images2/wood-family-trust-get-22-k-from-acc-nov-11.jpg

BiG Invoices

It was a good year to be in PR. Well, it was if you were a certain BiG name agency. There was the unofficial campaign for the Granite Web – when print media was sent to every household in the city on at least two occasions (and lest we forget, in error to the shire on one).

BiG was involved in other areas, though at present we don’t know which PR agency the city paid when the Chamber of Commerce (Chaired by Bob Collier) billed ACC for work ordered by ACSEF (Tom Smith) in support of the Granite Web scheme.

Smith is, of course, better known as a director of the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust, a private company to which the management of the web and UTG was to be handed without recourse to a tendering process or checking either man’s expertise in the rather narrow field of constructing concrete webs.

But, getting back to BiG: readers may be interested to know ACC has paid monthly invoices to BiG for various PR services, storage, servers, altering maps, expenses, photos and a trip to Glasgow. Below is a short summary of selected BiG invoices, interestingly enough all addressed To AWPR – Scottish Executive, which reference A-AWPR, and seem to have been paid by ACC:

Invoice No	Date	Description	Amount
17801	30/3/11	Info packs and inserts (what project? – SK)	10,802
42810	18/4/11	Expenses, press cutting services, photos, PR	3,416
17848	31/3/11	March PR, storage (nb seems to be £120/month)	1,022
18072	30/4/11	April PR, storage	2,076
18080	30/4/11	Website servers for PLI and AWPR	700
18320	31/5/11	May PR, storage	2,045
18567	30/6/11	June PR, storage	2,968
(not clear)	31/7/11	July PR, storage	1,762
19062	31/8/11	August PR, storage, travel to Glasgow	6,307
19308	30/9/11	September PR, storage	5,013
19533	31/10/11	October PR, storage, amendments to AWPR map	2,434
19770	30/11/11	November PR, storage	1,858
20033	31/12/11	December PR, storage	1,493
20254	31/01/12	January PR, storage	3,492
20509	29/02/12	February PR, storage and handover re. K McKee	8,788
TOTAL			54,176

The BiG Partnership billed ACC for £54,176 in the last fiscal year: was the AWPR acronym used in the invoices referring to the Western Peripheral Route? Other possibilities seem slim, but why ACC should have engaged a PR firm (let alone paid it storage fees or for website servers) in relation to this project is not clear.

Issues so far

a) ACC regularly deals with a company holding preferred bidder status, a company that has not only reneged on a profit-sharing scheme but dragged the city through every court in the land. How much was lost on the initial transaction? How much is the city incurring in legal fees, and which side picks these up?

Why is the Milne group apparently saying it wants to negotiate when the courts have already found against them? Have Milne companies retained their preferred bidder status? If his companies were enjoying profits from a favourable land deal, while at the same time entering low bids for contracting work, is this ethical, fair, and completely within tendering guidelines?

b) Should the referendum have been financed to such an extent by one of the interested parties? Was there even a slight possibility of psychological influence over those involved in administration of the referendum by the fact the costs were picked up by the web’s main proponent? At one stage we were told the entire costs were being met by Wood – why did the taxpayer pick up a £40,000 tab?

c) ACC seems to be paying a billionaire’s trust for an educational pilot – and has entered into a contract. What is the nature of the contract, and in what way can the services performed be described as charitable? An overview of the charity seems to indicate no money is received by the Trust from government. I wrote to WFT and received this reply:

“The funds received from Aberdeen City Council were a relatively small contribution to an Enterprise in Education programme, which was delivered as a partnership project with the local authority and carried out at two schools in the region, with the balance of the funds coming from Wood Family Trust. I can only assume that the reason the Scottish Charities Register indicates WFT received no money from Government is that this doesn’t cover funds received from Local Authorities.”

d) Has the city paid for public relations for the AWPR? If so, how was the contract for the work tendered? Was BiG given favoured status in obtaining this work via its involvement with ACSEF and the CGP?

Coming soon in Part 2

The Tree for Every Citizen Project – more revelations, CJ Piper, Bryan Massie

A Scottish Enterprise invoice or two

Further observations

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Old Susannah No. 97: It’s An Ill Wind

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 4 Responses »

Oct 042012

Old Susannah looks back on another exciting week in the Deen, even if there was no mass protest by 60 or so members of the Cove Rangers/HoMalone/Kate Dean/boys with megaphones collective. By Suzanne Kelly.

Common Good Aberdeen launched an initiative to put swings and play equipment In Union Terrace Gardens; I wish them well with that.

Old Susannah secured a ticket to the premier of the Led Zeppelin concert film ‘Celebration Day’, and is counting the hours. BrewDog’s competition to create a beer cocktail is, however, taking up most of my spare time. So far my creations run from to absolutely undrinkable to pretty awful.

Still, the contest closes on 8 October, so there is still some chance I’ll come up with something acceptable. Win or lose, it’s been a lot of fun trying.

That nice Mr Milne is busy starting his new housing estate on the formerly open lands in Cove/Charleston. Someone is building right on the main road by the Cove Bay Roundabout.

It might not be a great location for playing footie with the kids, but those overhead power lines and transformers will make for some entertaining kite-flying experiences, I’m sure.

I visited Tullos Hill this past Monday, and the place is a complete, well, ‘sotter’ is the word that springs to mind. What few mature trees there were are now diminished in number; some uprooted, some with very badly broken limbs.

Raised earth filled with rock and rubble is apparent everywhere, and the areas where gorse was cleared, where once animals lived, are now just dead zones. Well done everyone! And don’t worry. The Housing Committee may be done with this scheme, but the opposition still wants to see some justice done, and is working on it.

And now for a few relevant definitions.

Wind Power: (compound noun, English) the strength of the wind whether harnessed or not, the potential energy from wind

The Donald’s back! Donald Trump, celebrity, international superstar, business Moghul, and pin-up breezed into town this week. He’s blowing hot and cold over his new development – will he finish it? Can it still be the world’s greatest golf course if there are turbines offshore?

Don probably just thought that since Alex Salmond fell into line over a few expensive dinners, the rest of the Scots would fall as easily.

We should ignore our other developing renewable energy technologies and just build as many wind farms as we can.

However, it seems some pesky Scots aren’t doing as he wishes, despite the Donald’s granny being from Skye or something. Yes, we might well put up windfarms along the coast, ruining the view for the hordes of millionaires and slebs who want to golf all year round at the world’s most grating – sorry, ‘world’s greatest’ golf course.

I must have missed the part where all these rich people and pro golfers said they simply would not come because of the wind farms. I’m sure they are all at home in the south of France, California, Maui, etc. picking out their thermal golf clothes for when they come in February to play along the North Sea at Balmedie. The wind farms will ruin the Scottish economy if we are allowed to build them where rich folk can see them.

On the other hand, why wait until the technology is perfected – let’s just build windfarms everywhere right now. Just because every one of humankind’s past prototype inventions have all been miniaturised, made more efficient and cheaper doesn’t mean that windfarms will improve as well.

Never mind the science/technology/impacts/economics: there is a tax break to be had (even if it is just a little expensive to get the electricity onto the grid). We should ignore our other developing renewable energy technologies and just build as many wind farms as we can.

If only we could harness Trump’s hot air – that would solve all our energy needs. Still, let’s make sure we put all our eggs into the wind farm basket, take those tax breaks, and ensure the whole countryside and seaside are covered with them. What could possibly go wrong with a scheme that has the Government’s backing?

Culture of Yes: (Scottish Enterprise phrase, modern jargon) Campaign to help Scottish businesses grow, and er, just say ‘yes’

Please forgive Old Susannah for bringing up the ‘Culture of Yes’ – for you will all already know about it and be on board with it. After all, no less a person than Bob Collier of the Aberdeen Chamber of Commerce wrote about it in the June 2012 Business Bulletin. I can’t wait from month to month for my new copy of the Bulletin to arrive, and I am sure you all feel the same.

Bob describes in loving terms how £750,00,000 per annum Scottish Enterprise has come up with a new slogan, ‘Culture of Yes’ (how much did that cost us, I wonder). Without this new Culture of Yes, how else would businesses be able to expand, try new markets, and keep going? Exactly.

You see, it’s important in business to have a ‘can do’ rather than a ‘can’t do’ attitude. I hope I’ve not shocked you too much with this revelation. As Bob writes:-

“…this recession will end when we want it to – when attitudes change – and this should help to advance that process.”

Alas! The web has ceased to be. It is an ex-web.

And here I was thinking the recession was about American toxic mortgage products, bad debts, loans that shouldn’t have been made, manipulation of LIBOR, EU policies, austerity in Spain, Italy, Greece… Wrong! The recession is only about attitudes being bad.

Sadly, I missed Bob’s November 2009 offering in the Bulletin, but he quotes from it for the benefit of those who don’t have the full back issues saved at home. To save you looking through your collection of Bulletins, here’s what he had to say:-

“In my Chamber Viewpoint in November 2009, under a piece headed “no but, yes, but, no…” and taking my inspiration from Vicky Pollard [you don’t say!] I argued: “We’ve all got the choice to be ‘No But’ or ‘Yes But’. There is always a ‘but’ – life is complicated and agreement takes effort.

“But we have a fundamental choice to make. … So we respond on your behalf with “yes but’ to AWPR, Trump, EOWDC, City Gardens and many other positive investments for the region. Our support is considered, and our constructive engagement improves good developments. This is an approach which many in Aberdeen City and Shire would do well to remember when they consider the choices they are given to say ‘yes’ – but that’s another story.”

I am sure you are feeling as inspired as I am by the above. How good of the Chamber of Commerce to have said ‘yes’ to the City Gardens on behalf of its members! Not all businesses in the CoC backed the City Garden Project, but those ‘no-sayers’ were obviously just being negative.

Of course with Bob Collier who wrote the above also sitting pretty with Tom Smith on one or two little organisations with a strong interest in the project going ahead, the CoC was always going to say ‘yes’ to the web.

Alas! The web has ceased to be. It is an ex-web. Despite the pretty much unveiled threat above (“many in Aberdeen City and Shire would do well to remember…”) to vote ‘yes’, it was just not meant to be. All of the plotting, redacted minutes, hidden votes from the shortlisted design show, now all for nothing. And as Bob concluded this little article of his

“What goes around, comes around.”

Bob, on that point I can only agree.

Old Susannah must leave it a bit short this week; there are BrewDog beer cocktails to be invented. Be that as it may, I’ll be heading to One Up Records over the weekend.

Support your local music shop. A variety of forces to do with people illegally sharing music, piracy, cost of CDs, business rates, competition from chain stores, digital downloads, etc. make it difficult to run a music store. Then again, Bob Collier thinks the recession is all down to attitude. To that I’d say ‘no but no but no.’ Anyway – g’wan – go pre-order the Zeppelin CD, DVD, whatever.

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Top Foodie’s Latest Goodies

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jul 262012

Gubby Plenderleith samples a premier epicurean experience.

It’s amazing how many people think that life as a hard-nosed journo is all glamour and perks.

This hack, however, can tell you that that, most definitely, is not the case.

Until recently, the only ‘extras’ I ever enjoyed were getting home the same day I set off for work.

Imagine my surprise then, when I was summoned to see ‘the big chief’, aka the editor of this electronic rag.

I say ‘surprise’, but my initial reaction was one of terror and dread – that’s the way most of us newshounds react when summoned to the great man’s lair.

So there I was, quaking in my boots (well, Gucci loafers actually) as I arrived at our esteemed leader’s 5th floor eyrie and reported to Brunhilda, his secretary, executive minder and Amazon queen.

“Sit,” she commanded, pointing to a small waiting area, “and don’t dare move!”

I obliged and, after what seemed like a fortnight’s holiday with the family, she barked,

“That’s him free now” and pointed at the heavily armoured door which led the way to the head honcho’s hideout.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up and made my way, on strangely gelatinous legs, to the entrance to his lordship’s sacred retreat and my unknown fate. As I approached the portal, it slowly opened to reveal a vast chamber at the end of which sat the nabob of this esteemed organ.

“Come away in, ehmm … Pendledork,” he shouted, “and be quick about it, I don’t have all day!”

I was quick about it and hurried across the deep pile axminster to the majestic desk behind which he loured. Fixing me with an icy stare, he idly flapped a glossy brochure and growled:

“OK Pittendreich, I need someone to go and check out Pierre Whitting Heston-Balls new eating place but Torquil McCorqudale, my regular critic, is down with a gippy tummy, something about a bad oyster or some such bloody thing. Anyway – cut to the chase – there’s no-one else so it’s got to be you, God help us!”

Talk about a bombshell. I was rendered almost speechless and could only croak out a weak:

“Y-yes boss, Mr W sir. When do you, I mean when would you like … well, you know …”

He appeared to have anticipated my question as he barked:

“As soon as poss, man, which means bloody NOW!

“Brunhilda’s got travel documents to get you and Mrs Plunderteeth down to Gargunnock – pick them up as you leave. Now I’ve got work to do so …”

So saying, he dismissed me with a flap of his hand and, as I exited the editorial control centre, his amanuensis handed me a brown envelope as she told me:

“There you go – two Stagecoach tickets to Stirling, where you’ll need to change ‘buses for Gargunnock. You’ve got a 7.30 reservation at Mr Heston-Balls’ restaurant and, as this is an under-cover job, your booking’s in the name of Smith and you’ll need to pay cash. Got that?

You’ve also got a double room booked at Mrs McLaverty’s B&B – we’ve used her before and she demands payment up front. Make sure you get receipts or your claim for exes won’t be sanctioned.

“That’s it Plenderleith, on your way and don’t let us down or you’ll have me to answer to. OK?”

I’ll skip the intermediate bits like ‘phoning the good lady wife and pleading with her until she eventually agreed, albeit unwillingly, to accompany me, the deprivations of a Stagecoach ‘bus trip and the, highly-debatable delights of Mrs McLaverty’s doss … er, boutique establishment. Suffice to say that, suitably dressed – Euphemia wore her new twinset and tweed skirt – we presented ourselves at the gastronomy master’s four star Austerity Canteen a few minutes before 7.30.

what they’ve achieved has a truly authentic ambience of deprivation and financial hardship

The award winning chef’s latest venture was inspired, I read in the menu, from his deep conviction that we all need to economise if we are to weather the current economic recession. To that end, the proprietor had brought in his crack team of interior designers to create an ascetic wilderness in what was once the local benefits office and the final result is simply breathtaking.

The menu notes further reveal that they had invited some local youths to spend an evening attacking the walls with sharp implements in order to obtain a genuine distressed look. They also employed a squad of folk scouring the country for anything old and battered that could be used in the eatery – from tables and chairs to cutlery and kitchen equipment that had seen better days. And what they’ve achieved has a truly authentic ambience of deprivation and financial hardship.

But on to the menu itself which, true to the general theme of this cordon bleu bistro, offered an extremely limited choice, an aspect which went down very well with Mrs P who abhors making decisions.

For starters, my dining partner opted for the Scotch broth, made from an old Scottish recipe consisting of a few chopped vegetables left to marinade overnight in a dram of whisky. I, on the other hand, went for the old traditional failsafe of a Scotch salad, in this case comprising a lettuce leaf, 2 slices of cucumber, half a tomato and a tablespoon of grated carrot.

Following the appetisers we were both keen to get our teeth, quite literally, into the mains for which my colleague plumped for the mini all day breakfast. This comprised two chipolata sausages, a couple of quarter rashers of bacon, a brace of fried quails eggs and a button mushroom drizzled with a ketchup jus.

My choice, on the other hand, was the vegetarian dish of le pain grillé avec les pâtés, which was revealed as a piece of toasted bread topped with a scoop of alphabetti spaghetti. We washed our interesting feast down with a bottle of the house wine, a cheeky little liebfraumilch which, the sommelier told me, could be picked up for just over £3 a bottle in Tesco.

Our main course over we were excitedly anticipating our puddings when our waiter brought us bad news. It turned out that the container van that delivers the creamed rice to the Stirling Lidl had been involved in a motorway pile up so the only sweet available was fruit salad with lait d’carnation.

My other half asked if the fruit salad was fresh and, after checking with the kitchen staff, our waiter was able to vouchsafe that, not only was it fresh, but the tin hadn’t even been opened yet.

By the time we had greedily devoured our dessert it was still early – barely 8.15 – so we decided to skip coffee and explore the sights of Gargunnock before returning to Mrs McLaverty’s.

As I settled the £236 bill I realised that we had just had an experience denied to so many in these cash-strapped times and, as I said to herself while we strolled through the town:

“I think this is the best fish supper I’ve ever eaten!”

Live at the Blue(grass) Lamp – Review

Articles, Community, Featured, Gigs and Concerts, Information, Opinion No Responses »

Nov 242011

Experts don’t know why, perhaps the Coen Brothers are responsible, but it seems to be a golden age for bluegrass fans right now. Well-regarded among the singers, pickers, strummers, bowers and songsmiths jostling for attention, and road and studio action, are the duo from Seattle, Washington, Cahalen Morrison and Eli West. Bob Harris likes them – and that’s usually recommendation enough for Voice’s David Innes, who witnessed Sunday night delight at The Blue Lamp.

The Lampie stage was sparsely furnished with only four microphones and the same number of instrument cases. No percussion, not a wood bass in sight, the Jazz Club’s house grand piano rolled into the corner and kept under wraps. Minor alarm bells rang. Could a bluegrass duo brass this out without as much as a cursory nod to a rhythm section of even the most rudimentary kind?

On they came, Cahalen Morrison resembling Fleetwood Mac-era Jeremy Spencer, whilst Eli West could pass for Grave New World-period Strawb Richard Hudson in dim light.

With a guitar, banjo, mandolin and an octave mandolin – “it has thyroid issues”, according to West – swapped between the duo, there was beautiful balance between sympathetic accompaniment and studied expert soloing.

Where Morrison and West really excelled though, was when they combined in finely-tuned almost celestial harmony, as if Charlie and Ira Louvin had drifted in to shelter from the Gallowgate’s mild November breeze. Cahalen’s more bluesy edge was perfectly counter-pointed by Eli’s gentler, but no less powerful country gospel larynx.

On occasions where Cahalen sang, his phrasing and way with melody was reminiscent of Paul Simon. It was hardly surprising then, when Eli tongue-in-cheekedly name-checked old Rhymin’ himself as “a great father of Bluegrass” before delighting the Lamp’s clientele with ‘Hearts and Bones’ as his featured solo spot, following Cahalen’s sweet solo ‘Ode To Autumn’.

The Cox Family’s ‘I Am Weary’ was my highlight of the evening though. All that is grand in Morrison and West’s abilities came together in a glorious and spirit-enhancing instrumental, vocal and soulful crescendo; almost a template in illustrating the irresistible heart-tugging power of gospel, even to we secularists – when simply but expertly executed by supremely-gifted musicians like these.

They can bluegrass over Gallowgate any time they like.

OS No. 54 – Vermin, Parasites, And “Cultural” Spaces

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Environment, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 132011

Old Susannah looks back at the week that was and wonders who’s up to what and why. By Suzanne Kelly.

Old Susannah is having trouble sleeping at the moment for several reasons. Firstly, there is the sheer excitement over the UTG design competition – which design will I fall in love with? What will be built that will make the world beat a path to Aberdeen for coffee, baguettes and monorail rides? Will Paris, New York and Rome empty as people come to Union Square and the new UTG?
Secondly, I am worried about Ms Aileen ‘Homalone’ who has dropped out of the public eye, and refuses (to date) to answer questions about the finances needed for the phase 2 attempt to plant trees on Tullos, and the money to shoot those extremely hungry deer. It looks as if there isn’t any money, but no one’s talking to the public just now.

I did email to say ‘C’mon Aileen’ – and she replied that ‘an officer (if not a gentleman) would get back to me’.

I gently reminded Homalone that she had at least a little responsibility for the scheme to rid Tullos of vermin deer and plant 89,000 trees where trees had failed before, as she’d taken a wee bit of the public relations credit for this great scheme to begin with. I expect as soon as she turns her razor-sharp mind to the task of analysing all the facts and figures regarding the tree planting, deer and slaughter, she’ll revert to me asap.

I don’t think I’ll hold my breath though.

You may recall the deer are under the death sentence because we must be cheap when using ‘the public purse,’ and Aileen being a good Lib Dem can’t stand any waste of public money. Quite right.

No such restrictions apply to buying crucial carriage clocks and expensive pens from the Common Good Fund.

If you are in Inverness, you have to apply to use the common good fund there, and a committee decides if your charity should get a bit of the fund. They seem to have helped quite a number of deserving causes, and the application procedure is the same for the rich and the poor, believe it or not. It is not quite as easy to get a handle on who has their fingers on Aberdeen’s CGF sporran strings. But I digress – again.

Thirdly, I can’t sleep now that I know it’s OK to shoot small mammals and birds on Tullos Hill whenever you want – you just need a permit and the right kind of gun. I am amazed that no one’s been shot there yet. I am also amazed that people still like to hunt living things, but I guess I need to acknowledge that the law allows this.

So do keep walking on Tullos, but keep in mind bullets can travel long distances, and wear your bright clothes and your bulletproof vest. And for goodness sake, don’t wear any of those novelty deer antler headbands.

Vermin:

(noun) 1. insects such as lice, ticks or fleas (or the more fashionable bedbugs plaguing New York at present) which can lead to infestations. 2. birds and mammals that eat other animals / game. 3. animals which are after the same food as people or domestic animals (How dare they!).

The police sent me some detailed answers about the gunman spotted on Tullos Hill in early September after I did one of my little FOI requests. The hunter would not legally have been after the roe deer – but the police made it clear that such ‘sportspeople’ are allowed to shoot ‘vermin’. The police definition of what constitutes vermin seems to include deer. So the next time you and a roe deer are trying to nibble the same 2,000 trees, just kill it – as long as you have a permit and are using the right kind of bullets and rifle. Result!

But if the deer aren’t after the same quarter-pounder you want, and the squirrels (red, black, grey – I don’t discriminate) aren’t after your chocolate shake – then are they really vermin? The vermin label put on these wild animals justifies the gamekeeper poisoning the birds of prey, the snare-setter (snares are still legal for some reason) who kills indiscriminately, and the council targeting the Tullos Hill deer.

Speaking of the council (well some of them anyway), I’d best move to another definition before someone comes gunning for me. And for some reason, a related word comes to mind now that I’ve mentioned our City Council.

Parasite:

(noun – English ) an insect or other creature which feeds off of a host animal to the host’s detriment.

Let’s consider bloodsuckers, worms, leeches and ticks. These are some of the parasitic vermin infesting your city council. You do have the right ammo to despatch them – or at least you will come May elections with your vote. The parasites in question feed of resources such as The Common Good Fund, Council Taxes and all-expense paid hospitality.

Like a swarm of locusts, they descend on areas such as the AECC and the Beach Ballroom if so much as a free sandwich can be had. Parasites such as these are notoriously thirsty, and can empty cases of drink in nanoseconds.

Do not get too close to such creatures – they may well carry disease. Do instead hide your money (offshore if possible), and guard any green spaces, which these parasites can easily destroy if not kept in check.

“Cultural” spaces:

(noun, English Modern) a wholly new concept of “space” where “Cultural” “events” can take place. Not to be confused with existing businesses or arenas and spaces they have for cultural events.

If it’s not hard enough for me to get any sleep with everything else going on, the Evening Express told us on 8 October that there is a ‘plan’ to attract ‘top performers (!)’ to Aberdeen. This brand-new idea, never before attempted, would see the ‘proposed new park over (?!!) Union Terrace Gardens’ filled with “cultural” spaces. (By the way, the quotes around the word “cultural” appear in the Evening Express piece on this subject, so I’d better leave them in).

“Culture” of course is something that we people not in ACC, ACSEF, or SEG can’t really appreciate or understand. ( Remember – Stewart Spence, stalwart of the Marcliffe wrote to the P&J last week to call people opposed to these great new plans ‘NIMBYS and luddites’. Who can argue with him?).

The AECC – long propped up by the taxpayer – and the Lemon Tree (likewise on a taxpayer sub) have never attempted to bring Top Performers here before. Likewise none of the independently-owned bars and clubs (not supported by taxpayers by the way) have tried this either. Some years ago I got my hopes very high about Top Performers coming here, but in the end, Geri Haliwell had to pull out of doing the AECC.

Now in another guise, Scottish Enterprise might not really be permitted to shell out large amounts of taxpayer cash to create “cultural” spaces if these new inventions borne of taxpayer money would compete with already-existing public funded and/or private spaces.

But the story with UTG is different somehow – kind of like when Scottish Enterprise took the money the Arts Council had earmarked for Peacock (who had wanted to , er, create a “cultural” space in UTG first). Hmm – I must remember to soon define ‘intellectual property’, ‘copyright’, ‘lawsuit’ and ‘moral rights’.

I for one am happy to subsidise the AECC directly and indirectly (the City Council somehow needs to rent large amounts of office space at the AECC despite its large roster of properties) as well as subsidise the other city-owned venues AND find some 140 million towards yet another “cultural” space under/in/over Union Terrace Gardens. And if the private sector of the music/entertainment industry in Aberdeen can’t compete, then that’s just showbusiness.

We are in a democracy after all – the richest amongst us get to either be on boards or appoint boards to do what they want done with public spaces – all in the name of “culture”.

If we don’t ‘get it’, then we are indeed the NIMBYS and luddites Spency thinks we all are. I shall remember his words when I next book a dinner or a hotel.

Those who oppose the UTG project (not that it is defined yet – not even Old Susannah could do that if the city can’t) will be laughing out of the other side of their faces when I’m having a large latte before Toto opens up for Geri Haliwell near the monorail at the Wood memorial car park “cultural” space centre. So there. Gives those luddites something to think about doesn’t it?

I have to digress again – it is because some of us can’t understand how wonderful the whole project is that we oppose it. It is all crystal clear, but here is a little helpful guide as to who’s doing what about our “culture” space / UTG project. Here is my little luddites guide to the simple way things work

1. Locum Consultants – apparently a part of the Collier Group – have been hired to ‘find uses’ for ‘some kind of performance and exhibition space’ created by the UTG project. Appointed (by whom I don’t know).

(By the way I can find a ‘Locum Consultants’ in Surrey and a ‘Collier International’ in Manchester. Unless there are companies with those names in Scotland, I guess no one here was up to the job of filling the “cultural” space. I could be wrong, I could be right).

2. The Aberdeen City Gardens Trust (ACGT) – works on ‘how to use “cultural” spaces inside (?!!) the proposed new park over Union Terrace Gardens’. Unelected. (This seems to be a “Private, Limited by guarantee, no share capital, use of ‘Limited’ exemption” kind of an affair – which makes sense as the Taxpayer is paying for it at least in part, and it will be involved in the future of a public asset. Result!) Or in words a child could understand – taken from the website: http://thecitygardenproject.com/news

“Aberdeen City Gardens Trust has been set up, under the auspices of the City Garden Project management board, as a special purpose vehicle to channel funding for the project and deliver key activities within the project plan. The Trust will operate using best practice procurement procedures and will be accountable for the delivery of activities to project management board.

“The Trust will also receive £375,000 of Scottish Enterprise funding from its available funds for major infrastructure projects.

“Cllr John Stewart, chairman of the City Garden Project management board, said: “The fact that Aberdeen City Council is making no revenue contribution to the project means it is necessary to be imaginative in the way in which non-council finance levered into the project is managed. The creation of the Trust presents us with an ideal solution. Equally, it will allow for contracting of the required services involved in the next steps and for the project to progress to the design competition stage and complete the business case for the TIF application. Through the TIF we will be to access funding not otherwise available to invest in the art gallery and the St Nicholas House site, enhancing and reinvigorating our city centre.”

“The founding directors of the Trust are Tom Smith and Colin Crosby who will be joined by Directors from Aberdeen City Council and others involved in the project in due course”.

3. The City Gardens Monitoring Group – exists to hide its doings and to decide that the public should not vote on the option of leaving the gardens as they are in the current design competition for the 6 finalists (chosen by an unelected group and guaranteed loads of dosh for getting this far). The Group redacted its minutes to the point you had no idea who was in it (unless you cut and pasted the redacted text and found none other than Aileen Malone was involved). Unelected.

But for those of you still not clear, here is an excerpt of who’s who and who’s doing what where from our City’s very own website: http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/

“The membership of the Project Monitoring Group comprises Councillors Malone (Chair), Boulton, McDonald, Kirsty West, Wisely, Young and Yuill.

“For reference, the membership of the City Garden Project Management Board comprises Councillor John Stewart (Chair), Councillor Callum McCaig and Valerie Watts, ACC; Tom Smith and Colin Crosby, ACSEF; Jennifer Craw, the Wood Family Trust; Bob Collier, Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce; John Michie, Aberdeen City Centre Association; Lavina Massie, the Aberdeen City Alliance, Maggie McGinlay, Scottish Enterprise and Paul Harris, Gray’s School of Art.

“The membership of the Project Implementation Team comprises Tom Smith (Chair), Colin Crosby and John Michie, ACSEF; Gerry Brough, Hugh Murdoch and Patricia Cassidy, ACC; Jennifer Craw, the Wood Family Trust; Maggie McGinlay, Scottish Enterprise; Derick Murray, Nestrans; Audrey Laidlaw, Network Rail and Iain Munro, Creative Scotland”.

This diverse membership of people with no vested interests in the project going ahead or not will reassure us all. But somehow, I still can’t get any sleep.

4. Malcolm Reading – a design consultancy which shortlisted the winning entries in the design competiton, an amazing feat, as there was and is no design brief in existence approved by ACC. What Malcolm Reading will earn is unknown; how exactly it was appointed is also a mystery to me.

5. The BIG Partnership – a PR consultancy which tells us how great it all is going to be. I don’t know how they were appointed or what they will earn. (not to be confused with ‘The Big Sleep’.) STOP PRESS: The BIG Partnership has recently announced a new client: The Wood Family Trust.

6. ACSEF – A board of business people and city officials who, well, do what they like. Includes one impartial Mr S Milne. Known for issuing warning as to dire consequences for Aberdeen if we don’t build on the garden. ACSEF is an invention of ACC, and funded at least in part by the public purse which we are all so keen to use sparingly.

7. Genus Loci – a document produced supporting ideas for the Garden’s future as long as these don’t include a garden for the future. Famous for proposing the monorail idea.

8. Scottish Enterprise – a quango, unelected, on a mere £750 million or so per year which holds meetings, and supplies members to sit on the board of ACSEF, and who gave the world Jennifer Craw, now on the Wood Family Trust. Which of course has a seat or seats on the secretive City Gardens Monitoring Group – or was it the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust. Unelected and expensive.

9. Wood Family Trust – er, apparently the wood family and/or friends who want to get rid of the wood in the gardens apparently, for “cultural” spaces. Apparently not elected. This Trust has possibly one or two overlapping areas with some of these other groups, maybe.

10. Project Implementation Team – are on hand to implement the project whether or not the public want them to.

Now that you see how simple it all is, I trust that there will be no more whining about the expense of paying all these companies off, signing a lease for a few thousand years for the gardens, or whinging about issues of ‘transparency’.

As that little Meerkat person on TV would say, ‘Simples’.

I was going to define ‘Impartiality’ this week as well, and how it relates to TIF, BID, and so on. However, I now have a headache for some reason, and there is a knock on my door which may be the sherrif coming for my furniture. ‘Impartiality’ it is for next week then. And ‘Old Boys’ Network’, ‘Nepotism’ and ‘Greed’.

Good night all.

Old Susannah No. 49 – Board Stupid

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Environment, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Aug 292011

Old Susannah watches the latest developments in the ‘Deen and the wider world and feels like a deer caught in headlights. Here is this week’s look at what’s happening where and who’s doing what to whom. By Suzanne Kelly.

Evening Express readers were rejoicing in the streets last weekend as the results of the ‘Happy Tots’ photo contest were revealed. Little wonder then, that there has been no word there or in the P&J of Anthony Baxter’s continued world tour of his award-winning film ‘You’ve Been Trumped, or the screening of Emily James’s film ‘Just Do It’ at the Belmont. Nor was there space for the little matter of the council’s ongoing deer debacle.
Word has it that the SNP is growing squeamish over the blood-letting that the little creatures (ie the LibDems) will suffer at the ballot box when the voting season opens, and are looking for a way out.

Let’s hope so. Not even the most gullible politician believes the promised carbon off-setting benefits of this unwanted forest has any merit. The Public Services Ombudsman likewise are weighing up the City’s actions over the deer. The Ombudsman may soon look at other matters, but that is another story for another time.

In the larger, non EE world, there is violence at every turn it seems. Happily we can all feel safer for a few reasons. One, the use of tasers seems to be going up in the UK. This seems to coincide with the number of deaths caused by tasers likewise increasing – but then again, that means less criminals on the streets.

It also means less innocent people on the streets, but you can’t have everything.

Tasers don’t cause severe agony I’m told, but there was a police official who was going to make a film demonstrating how innocuous the tasers were, using himself as a guinea pig. Unfortunately, he was in excruciating pain, and his little film didn’t have the desired effect. Tasers are only used by calm, rational, well-trained men, and not angry cops who might repeatedly taser a suspect until they die. Usually.

But I feel even safer still: the US Navy’s been spending time (and lots and lots of money) developing a means to make their weaponry even more deadly. It has been said that this new technology means weapons can explode with up to five times the energy of existing armaments. I guess this is their way of trying to be more energy efficient, so that’s quite good. As things stood, NATO was only able to destroy the world a few dozen times over. Now we can sleep soundly in our beds.

Old Susannah enjoyed the (mostly) sunny Tullos Hill picnic last Sunday and was happy to see some new faces there.

It is a beautiful hill with beautiful panoramic views over city and sea – so it’s got to go. Sadly, a second group of picnic-ers failed to find the main party, but a good time was still had.

Anyway, time for some definitions.

Board:

(noun) a collection of people who have managerial, supervisory, or other responsibilities and powers, e.g.. ‘Board of Directors’ ‘Board of Governors’.

Private company boards are established (normally) to oversee methods and manage reasonable, defined objectives. However, we are in Aberdeen, and are ruled by Aberdeen City Council.

There is no shortage of boards set up by the City and given powers – powers which are always used in a fair, reasonable and democratic way. The Licensing Board did itself proud two years ago; it ran straight to the Press & Journal to say a dozen or so restaurants and clubs, etc. were not compliant with new licensing laws. These wrong-doers were named and shamed in the press, and faced being closed, fined, and having their licenses revoked.

In a truly dramatic style, this was announced about a week before the traditional Christmas lunches and dinners were to be held.

Naturally you would expect a Board to have possession of all the facts before going to the papers. Yet somehow this board made a few tiny mistakes. A few of those it named as non-compliant with the law had, er, long gone out of business. Slightly more embarrassing, at least two of the named-and-shamed establishments were fully compliant, having jumped through hoops made of red tape.

Old Susannah had planned a lunch in such a place, and called the Board once I knew for certain how wrong the Board was. I spoke to a woman; she was very helpful. She asked me who I was to question the board, and told me I must be mistaken. However, a day or so later, the Board had gone back to the P&J with a grudging retraction. My Christmas lunch went ahead, and all was right.

But here are a few lines from the Board we should all be looking at:-

“The role of the Project Monitoring Group is to oversee the Union Terrace City Garden project’s progress and ensure that Council’s interests, and that of the majority of Aberdeen citizens, are protected as the project progresses. The membership of the Project Monitoring Group comprises Councillors Malone (Chair), Boulton, McDonald, Kirsty West, Wisely, Young and Yuill”.

“For reference, the membership of the City Garden Project Management Board comprises Councillor John Stewart (Chair), Councillor Callum McCaig and Valerie Watts, ACC; Tom Smith and Colin Crosby, ACSEF; Jennifer Craw, the Wood Family Trust; Bob Collier, Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce; John Michie, Aberdeen City Centre Association; Lavina Massie, the Aberdeen City Alliance, Maggie McGinlay, Scottish Enterprise and Paul Harris, Gray’s School of Art”.

– Aberdeen City Council Website

I guess it must be an Aberdonian thing, but here we have a board to oversee a project which 55% of people responding to a survey don’t support. (Arguably the number against ruining UTG is higher, as a tiny hiccough in the online voting system changed negative votes to positive ones – I guess it’s hard to use this new-fangled technology).

Isn’t it wonderful that this Board just sprang into being without the need to trouble the taxpayer or voter as to their thoughts?

Perhaps it will be a difficult job to be a board member here – for one thing these selfless souls have to ‘oversee the progress’ of the project which is unknown (there is no scope, timescale or budget agreed – but I’m splitting hairs). If you look at the paragraphs above, you might get the idea that not progressing the project is not an option.

The tricky bit will be how on earth to ‘ensure that Council’s interests, AND that of the majority of Aberdeen citizens, are protected as the project progresses.’

I vote we protect the Council’s interests above all else. The project will progress, and the vastly different interests of the Council and the citizen somehow have to be both ‘protected’. This Board (led by one Mr Gerry Brough) has so far protected us by employing a wide range of techniques.

These include setting up a company to take the project forward with no mandate from the people, stacking the board with people who want a Wood Group solution for UTG, and by redacting minutes to protect us from truth. I feel as protected by Gerry Brough and this board as I do by the US Navy and its brand new super-explosives.

It is unclear who designed the make-up of this board, but I wonder – did they have a small, subconscious desire for the project to go ahead?

It almost seems as if most of these people are desperate for the gardens to be turned into whatever Wood (and Milne) want. Then again, the presence of Jennifer Craw to represent the Wood Family Trust is a reassuring sign that everything is totally impartial and ‘above Board’.

Citizens opposed to the project should not bother their heads about the decision the board made: there will be no opportunity at the upcoming public consultation to vote to leave the gardens as is. You get to vote on which of the six shortlisted projects (again chosen by a handful of non-elected people) you want – and that’s that. And this wonderful, unbiased board has just decided at its last meeting to start lobbying government officials to pressure them to go ahead and fill in our garden.

If you want to write to the Board and tell them how happy you are with their work so far, please do. And if you feel like doing some lobbying of your own, you can always write to the Scottish Futures Trust to tell them how happy you are about these fantastic garden-raising plans.

The City is some £50,000,000 in the red

But of all the many boards we have working hard to keep Aberdeen the efficient vibrant, dynamic hub it is, there is a board composed completely of planks.

I refer of course to the Budget Monitoring Board: the City is some 50 million pounds in the red that we know of. That really is some job they have managed these past few years.

Dictatorship

(noun) system of government wherein a single person or small group has undemocratic control and powers over the citizenry; often a totalitarian state.

Despite their threatening and irrational behaviour, it looks as if some of the world’s most hated dictators are set to topple. These hated figures have held onto power at all costs, some for many years, despite people demanding that they go. Dictators try to threaten journalists and other critics; they use threats of legal action to silence opposition. These dictators often look slightly deranged and dress in odd garments, and often look over-tired and slightly bloated.

One of my favourite quotes from the ‘Harry Potter’ series of books by the inimitable JK Rowling went something like this (I paraphrase).

“Dictators always fear the people that they oppress, for they know that one day, someone will rise above the masses and over-throw them.”

– Apologies for the bad phrasing JK, but it’s true. Those who come to power and then disregard clear voices of opposition and who do not play fairly will eventually be overthrown, or just voted out of office.

So dictators, do everyone a favour and just leave when asked to go. (PS – in a related development it seems that Libya has finally got rid of Gaddafi).

Next week: start queueing now: the great St. Nicholas House furniture sale is ON! Grab a future heirloom from the used, battered desks and chairs. You paid for them once – here’s your chance to pay for them again (not to mention the brand new furniture you bought for Marischal College). Sale stars 3 September.

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