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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 35 – Prize Quiz Special

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 122011

Voice’s Old Susannah, thrown by the absence of interesting local news this week, takes us on a humorous diversion and challenges our grasp of local knowledge.

Not much going on in the Granite City this week. There is the lovely new £120,000 statue of Robert the Bruce for openers; I have seen people gasping at awe at this wonder.

Some old Lib Dem was found guilty of hanging about in a dodgy part of town at night, apparently looking after the well-being of his younger constituents.
Then again, perhaps he was only after some votes or help with his polI. There was also something about a deer cull, but I can’t recall what it was. Doubtless the Council have everything in hand.

Perhaps it’s time for a bit of humour, and so here is the first (and maybe last) Old Susannah News Quiz. The first correct entry drawn out of a hat wins a coffee date with Aileen Malone (to be confirmed), or failing that, I will plant a tree in my garden in the winner’s name. Or buy you a Brewdog (proof of age required. Drinking to excess can cause health problems and leave you looking like some of our councillors. Don’t vote on important issues while drinking).

Good luck. Actually – good luck to us all.

Question 1: Billionaire Sir Ian Wood had his photo in the Evening Express this week on the occasion of having been put on the UK’s rich list. He posed in front of a verdant green background ablaze with red flowers, against a dramatic Aberdeen city centre skyline. Where was this eyesore, and what should become of it?

Question 2: Match the cartoon character in Aberdeen with their fictional counterpart

a. Dolores Umbridge – in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter novels Umbridge is described as short, squat, looking like a toad, and is often wearing pink sweaters (in an attempt to look a bit feminine). She has iron-coloured curls, and works for the Government. She is more often than not hurting the vulnerable and abusing her government office. She wants to dominate everyone around her, and is a supporter of the forces of evil.

b. Boss Hogg – from the Dukes of Hazzard TV series and movie, this jumped up little man has his finger in every pie. Greedy, scheming, unethical, always trying to own everything in the county. Folically challenged, Boss Hogg often wore silly things on his head to disguise his baldness. This short-of-stature villain was also short on morals and treated the police as his paid flunkies.

c. Cruella deVil – a coarse, cruel, scheming woman out to destroy innocent creatures for her own strange fulfilment. Willing to stop at nothing to achieve her bloody ends. Frightening to children of all ages.

d. Father Ted – who can forget grey-haired Father Ted and the rest of Craggy Island’s inhabitants? Father Ted, for all his scheming and quests for money, was always caught with his hand in the kitty, and was forever forced to explain financial conundrums. “The money was only resting in my account” was his frequent catchphrase.

Fictional figures:

A. Former Councillor Scott Cassie – he and his wife are helping police with their enquiries about a wee bit of missing money. This didn’t stop Cassie from voting on some crucial recent issues (I seem to think I saw him at the Loirston Loch hearing). Alas, he will no longer have a street named after him. However, there is a rumour that one of the Cayman Island Banks now offers a ‘Scott Cassie Emergency Fund’ account.

B. Millionaire Propety Typhoon Stewart Milne – loads of money, just not enough to spend on improving AFC’s team or – heaven forfend – to solve the deer cull crisis at one go. Good at buying property at less than market value from our ever-vigilant City Council. Value for Money indeed.

C. The Nation’s sweetheart Aileen ‘Ho’Malone – Who can forget her brave stance on the deer cull issue? She alone was not afraid to stifle Nigg Community Council (and yours truly) from speaking this week before the Committee she convenes decided to shoot the deer. She is all hart, and with her doe-eyed stare, her inner compassion and honesty shine through. I wonder if she has any fur coats?

D. Go-getting Kate Dean – Planning supremo. What can I say about this woman that hasn’t already been said (or that would pass the censors)? ‘I was elected to do a job, and I’m going to do it’ was her rallying-cry during the cuts protests. When she is going to start doing what she was elected to do (or resign) is anyone’s guess.

Question 3: What percentage of £50,000,000 (the sum Sir Ian promises for his Union Terrace Garden parking lot) would £225,000 (the sum demanded not to shoot the Tullos Hill Roe deer) represent? Is it: a. 10%, b. 1%, c. .5% or d. 0.5%?

Question 4: Which is an endangered species: The Tullos Hill Roe Deer or the Liberal Democrats, which were so badly wounded in the recent election. Deer, Dems – or both?

Question 5: Tiebreaker (answer question of your choice): How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Why did the LibDem cross the road?

Send your answers in to oldsusannah@aberdeenvoice.com before next Thursday, and best answers will be published the following week.

I trust you will all forgive me (or maybe you’re glad) that I am putting in a shorter than usual piece this week. I’ve been busy fighting the forces of evil, and in pursuing a Freedom of Information appeal, which may yet prove very interesting. Can’t say more than that yet.

But I can say thank you to those people in the media (Danny Law especially), all the campaigners (you know who you are), and the four brave councillors who stood up for the deer. One thing I will say is that the issue will not, despite HoMalone’s wishes, go away.

Mark Edwards’ Hard Rain Project – Times Are A Changin’

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Environment, Events, Featured, Information Comments Off

Mar 252011

By Suzanne Kelly.

Some 100 people of all ages and backgrounds packed an Aberdeen University lecture room on 22nd March; most of us were not entirely sure what to expect.

Mark Edwards – internationally known photographer, writer and witness to 40 years of global problems was there to deliver his ‘Hard Rain’ lecture and still photography presentation.

By the time he had finished it was clear that each person present had taken away food for thought on a host of global issues, however much or little they had known before they arrived.

Mark made a brief introduction explaining the Hard Rain Project’s genesis. At the time of the first moonwalk in 1969, Mark was traveling in the Sahara desert’s unforgiving landscape, got lost, and was subsequently rescued by a nomadic tribe. They offered him food, shelter and a fire to sit by, and then they produced a radio. Bob Dylan’s ‘A Hard Rain’s a Gonna Fall’ came out of it; a track inspired by the Bay of Pigs Cuban Missile Crisis.

Edwards considered his personal situation, the simple nomadic lifestyle, and the moonwalk and out of these events grew his idea of illustrating each line of this moving, evocative song. Some 40 years on, the Hard Rain project was touring the world. It features still photography taken from all quarters of our world, and illustrates the issues, which we have to face urgently. Edwards took his Aberdeen audience:

“…on a journey through the past to a future which is ours to change.”

The photographs are as beautiful and as diverse a collection as you could possibly imagine – Edwards has captured virtually all aspects of humanity and of the earth. These photographs and Mark both bear witness to the increasingly urgent issues we must solve now: famine, destruction of habitats, human suffering, war, climate change, waste, disrespect and misuse of people, animals and the planet. The things Mark has seen in his travels have not led him to despair; he retains faith in human initiative and human spirit, which he sees in the shantytown inhabitants’ resourcefulness.

As to the photographs: there is a bulldozer in the Amazon cutting a scar through the lush jungle; there is a sea of ghostly, dead tree stumps in an arid wasteland; there are dead and dying women and children from around the world. I am haunted by a photo of an oil-covered bird taken in Brazil, which is accompanied by the line from Hard Rain ‘I’ve been out in front of a dozen dead oceans’.

This photo presumably was taken years ago, but it could have been the recent Gulf of Mexico oil disaster. (You have to ask yourself why one oil disaster was not enough to ensure we never let it happen again).
But I am most haunted by (as were several of the students I spoke to including Deepu Augustine and Rita Lwanga) of a poignant image of a newborn baby lying on its side, small hands and feet visible, wrapped in a hooded garment, dead. It was lying in a shallow, womb-like grave about to be buried. The number of children who starve to death is legion.

As Mark says when addressing all the various issues:

“Perhaps our greatest mistake is taking our easy lifestyles for granted.”

Edwards explains that “we broke the first law of nature” – for instance how the death of a leaf and its natural decomposition create fertile soil on which new life will grow. The problem is that we have created a host of chemicals, which do not break down. He does not bombard us with numbers and statistics, but those he does use are unforgettable. In discussing our chemical dependence and proliferation of chemicals throughout the food chain globally, he says that any pregnant woman anywhere in the world today will have somewhere between 8 to 17 kinds of pesticides in the placenta.

Mark describes himself as a witness; he does not have all the answers. But he will tell you that we urgently need to increase education around the world, end child labour (which is nothing short of slavery: buyers of cheap imported goods and clothing please do take note), pay fair prices for crops, encourage family planning, and end extreme poverty. Another statistic he has hit us with: the GDP of the world’s 48 poorest countries is equal to the wealth of the world’s three richest people.

A series of photos taken in Haiti show the human impulse to slip away from rational thinking and regress to superstition (a ‘voodoo’ ceremony to pray for long-overdue rain is depicted), and later work shows a flock of brightly-clad Haitian school children. Edwards then makes interesting comparisons between the 1930s American Dustbowl draught and Ethiopia’s similar situation today. He compares Industrial age London’s shantytowns to today’s third world shantytowns, they both were born of similar circumstances and had similar problems and potentials.

“The past is not over and the future has happened many times”

– or put another way – those who do not know the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat its mistakes and tragedies.

His bleak, depressing photos of urban sprawl were based in Mexico City; but if we are not careful the same thing can easily happen in Aberdeenshire on a smaller scale.

The difference in the quantity of goods the Americans have is staggering and it does not make them any happier

We are, after all, getting rid of acre upon acre of (supposedly protected) green belt land to build hundreds of identikit houses, a 21,000 seat stadium where we currently have important wildlife and rare plants, and a car park/mall is planned for our only city centre green sink and beauty spot – Union Terrace Gardens.

Rather than increasing public transport, we plan to cut a highway through our countryside with the AWPR. And we are going to shoot (sorry, cull) the Tullos Hill Roe Deer, as our elected officials have deemed that building fences or protecting saplings with plastic are more expensive options). Mark makes a remark that some politicians are:

“…defending political positions they know are no longer appropriate…”

I think I do not need to look any further than Aberdeen City Council for an example of Mark’s assertion. I get the feeling that 99% of Edward’s audience is receptive and probably actively concerned for our environment – I find myself wishing we could get the local Council to see ‘Hard Rain’.

Edwards shows us a family in Bhutan; they are outside their home and have all of their, not very many, possessions spread around them. Next we switch to an American family of four – again in front of their home with all of their goods. The difference in the quantity of goods the Americans have is staggering and it does not make them any happier: Bhutan is, in fact, the country with the highest percentage of happy and satisfied people on earth.

Edward’s talk is part of the Aberdeen University Students’ Association Climate Change Projects.

Jamie Peters is the Climate Change Project Co-ordinator and he advised me that the Climate Change project has been packed full of events this past week including; tree planting, cookery demonstrations, gardening, meetings and discussions. Reusable bottles and bags were distributed as well as bookmarks with tips on energy saving and recycling. The Climate Change Project at Aberdeen University:

“aims to improve life around the campus, provide something fun for students to get involved in and at the same time save 1,000 tonnes of CO2.”

Fraser Lovie, a policy adviser at the University, congratulated the Climate Change Project for bringing Mark Edwards and his exhibition to Aberdeen and welcomed Mark’s hints that a new touring exhibition, based on Hard Rain, is in development, that will support the behavior change agenda in Universities and Colleges.

STOP PRESS: At the time of writing, it is uncertain whether funding will be found to keep the Climate Change Project going: I certainly hope they will continue their work.

After a glass or two of wine and a few words with Mark Edwards and others (he is affable and keen to talk), I made my way home. Another Bob Dylan song came into my head – ‘The Times They Are A Changing’;

“… if your time to you is worth saving, you’d better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone, for the times they are a changing’.”

Change has never happened faster in human history than it is happening now. But exactly what are we changing our world into?

Regent Walk is the scene of the Hard Rain Project outdoor exhibition, which accompanied this lecture; it will be up for a month. I urge you – go and see it.

SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Quotations from the Hard Rain Project Lecture

* “In the next 24 hours deforestation will outweigh the carbon footprint of 8 million people”

* “If forests are the lungs of the world, we have had one lung removed”

* “All humanity is in trouble; time is the enemy; indifference is the enemy”

* “We have Stone-Age impulses, Medieval beliefs, and God-like technology”

* “There is no ‘them and us’”

Q&A from the Hard Rain Website:

“Mark has been traveling and taking photographs in over 150 countries in the last 40 years. He first decided to illustrate the global environmental crisis in 1969, and Hard Rain really began to take shape as a live presentation in 2000. The DVD has been in development for about a year, since interest in the presentation has exploded.

“How many cities/countries has Hard Rain been seen in?

“The exhibition has been seen in over 50 cities, with a tour of India immediately following Copenhagen. The presentation, on which the DVD is based, has been seen in hundreds of venues on every continent.

“How has Dylan lent his support?

“Dylan and his label, Columbia Records, have been extremely supportive of Hard Rain right from its public launch as an exhibition at the Eden Project in 2006. They have also been very supportive of Hard Rain by allowing us to use the lyrics in the exhibitions.

“This year, the Royal Photographic Society recognized Mark Edwards and Bob Dylan by presenting them with the Terence Donovan Award for their achievement with the Hard Rain Project.”

What is Urban Sprawl and Why Should I Care?

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Environment, Featured, Information Comments Off

Mar 042011

The Aberdeen City and Shire landscape today bears little resemblance to the landscape of the past. Voice’s Suzanne Kelly asks – Is this progress, or is this progress towards ill health, lack of biodiversity, and urban sprawl?

Back in the late 1950s, NASA (the American National Aeronautics and Space Administration) started its missions and started photographing our planet from space.

Over the decades a major change in our planet became apparent to the NASA scientists: we were rapidly destroying green areas, quickly expanding the surface area our cities, and covering previously green areas with non-porous material – usually asphalt and concrete.
The face of the planet was visibly changing, and the term ‘Urban Sprawl’ came into being.

Urban Sprawl is not just an ambiguous catchphrase – it is a very real phenomenon recognised by scientists and environmentalists from NASA through National Geographic.

If any of these items sound familiar to you, you will understand Urban Sprawl and why it has to be slowed if not halted:-

increased air pollution and ‘particulates’ from car use, and associated health problems (asthma, heart disease, effects on unborn, types of cancers)
Increases in other forms of pollution, including light pollution
Inadequate facilities, e.g.: cultural, emergency, healthcare, and so forth for population size
Inefficient street layouts
Inflated costs for public transportation
Lost time and productivity due to time spent commuting; less personal time for relaxation and recreation
High levels of racial and socioeconomic segregation; deprived neighbourhoods
Low diversity of housing and business types (identikit houses packed closely together)
Health problem increases e.g. obesity due to less exercise and more time in cars
Less space for conservation and parks
High per-capita use of energy, land, and water
Loss of biodiversity

Urban Sprawl is changing Aberdeen and the Shire – and it is virtually irreversible

Last week I received an email from J Leonard, an Aberdeen Planning official. He explains that we need to kill (or cull if you prefer) the small number of deer on Tullos Hill in order to protect trees the City has a grant to plant (£200k value in total). He explained that when the trees are grown, deer and squirrels can then live in the area (thankfully the deer have been spared), and that Tullos Hill is ‘in the heart of an urban environment’.

This is what Urban Sprawl does – it takes over the greenbelt land bit by bit, until there is only a bubble of natural land left here and there, or what builders euphemistically call ‘wildlife corridors’ – small areas of land connecting remaining green areas. I was speaking to an older Aberdeen resident who distinctly remembers a time before the Altens Industrial Estate existed, and tells me of a green paradise teeming with many types of wildlife.

Now we have a few open areas but notably south of the city centre, we have turned part of the coast into a waste tip we had to cap just recently, and we added a sewage plant to the coast and are planning hundreds of houses in this sensitive area. Aberdeen Football Club intends to put a 21,000-seat stadium on land adjacent to Loirston Loch in the River Dee SAC (Special Area of Conservation).

We are failing to listen to the residents in these areas who currently enjoy a relatively rural area and whose lives will change greatly

The area holds remaining pockets of creatures such as (apparently protected) otters and bats as well as rare plants and animals (as per the Council’s own sign on Loirston Loch). There will be no real environmental benefits associated with this stadium (indeed the pre-planning reports come up with about 40 negative permanent environmental impacts – but says we will get a ‘wildlife corridor’ where we now have open fields and an uninterrupted SAC).

However, we are told we will get ‘job creation’ and an ‘iconic building’ by Margaret Bochel of Aberdeen City Planning who endorsed the stadium plan. Somehow, the only place the Council and AFC are willing to put this building is on greenbelt land, which we will never get back and which will never be the same.

We are told that Aberdeen needs to ‘ensure its future prosperity’, and our elected officials, builders, planners and business organisations tell us we must keep building and expanding. The Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route, a new runway / airport extension, the 21,000 seat ‘community’ stadium, and of course transforming the Victorian gardens of Union Terrace Gardens into a ‘public square’ are large examples of proposed new structures — structures which we are meant to believe equate to economic prosperity (despite costing the taxpayer tens of millions or more per project).

The housing developments springing up like mushrooms are, we are told, going to be ‘modern’, ‘competitive’, and ‘attractive to inward investment’. We are failing to listen to the residents in these areas who currently enjoy a relatively rural area and whose lives will change greatly: they have resoundingly said they do not want development. We are told there is a housing shortage (although many homes and office buildings in the city centre are vacant), and these developments are needed from Stonehaven to Inverurie and throughout the shire – on any bit of ground available.

Whether or not such building works will ensure future prosperity (can you ensure future economic success at all?), there is one truth about all of these projects: they are all examples of Urban Sprawl.

What’s so important about Air Pollution, Light Pollution, and Biodiversity? Air Pollution

The link between air pollution and forms of heart and respiratory disease is now well acknowledge and documented.

There are cities such as Los Angeles and Hong Kong which issue daily air quality reports – recognising that bad air quality can directly cause illness such as asthma attacks.

Vehicle exhaust is a considerable factor in creating air pollution; ‘particulates’ created as a product of combustion engines are a part of the air pollution cocktail as are carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide and sulphur. A brief search of the British Medical Journal yields results such articles as:

And a quote from ‘Air pollution and daily mortality in London: 1987-92 reads:

“The 1952 London smog episode was associated with a twofold to threefold increase in mortality and showed beyond doubt that air pollution episodes could be harmful to health.”

Car parking lots are coated with various chemicals associated with vehicles; these get into the soil with rain and snow. And thus these pollutants can enter the food chain.

Light Pollution: Really?

Until the Industrial Age, the planet was dark at night. Now (as satellite photos demonstrate) city areas emit light all night long. The problem with this is it is definitely affecting the breeding cycle of birds, insects including butterflies and moths, bats and other creatures. We are changing an integral part of our ecosystem. These creatures are largely responsible for pollinating our crops and keeping other insect pests in check.

Light pollution is a real and worrying phenomenon, and we need to reduce night-time lights. If nothing else, saving electricity and energy will help save cities money, and global warming certainly is not helped by lighting up large portions of the night sky. There is also research to show that light pollution can slow down the way in which air pollution breaks down.

It is safe to say that having a red, glow-in-the-dark football stadium on what is now greenbelt open land in Loirston will be detrimental to creatures that can currently live and hunt there.

each new housing estate is eating up our greenbelt land and urban sprawl threatens our health and well-being on several fronts

Mark Parsons, Mark Shardlow and Charlotte Bruce-White are all experts in the fields of insect life and conservation; they have authored an article ‘Light pollution – a menace to moths, and much more for Butterfly Conservation. In it they present strong evidence from around the world that manmade light pollution is interfering in a very negative way with insect ilfe cycles.

Recommendations the article makes include:

Light should be kept to a functional minimum in all areas
Lights that emit a broad spectrum of light with a high UV component should be avoided
Aquatic environments and areas of high conservation value are potentially particularly sensitive to light pollution. Lighting schemes in these areas should be carefully planned to avoid negative impacts

This last point is totally contrary to what is proposed at Loirston Loch.

Biodiversity

Again, the ecosystem is being changed at an alarming rate. We are removing habitat – and without land to live and forage in, we will continue to lose animal populations and whole species.

What alternatives are there to continuous building and more urban sprawl?

How accurate are these assertions we have to keep building and using up the greenbelt? The stadium for instance – how necessary is it? The existing stadium at Pittodrie could be modernised. Norwich FC recently rebuilt its stadium – the same is most definitely possible for Pittodrie. Cities across the UK have lost millions bidding for, and hosting international competitions; prosperity is not automatic with a stadium.

We have to keep pumping money into the Aberdeen Exhibition and Conference Centre. As to reported housing shortage, we know that there are thousands of empty houses both in the public and private sectors, and rather than new builds, using some of our vast quantities of unused offices and converting these to homes would be the more economical and more ecologically sound way forward.

Aside from the tens millions of pounds of taxpayer money any one of these new structures will drain from the public purse from consultation through to design, execution, use and maintenance, there is another price to be paid. Each of these projects, and each new housing estate is eating up our greenbelt land and urban sprawl threatens our health and well-being on several fronts.

Wildlife tourism could be encouraged – as it is, the RSPB estimate that Scotland is visited by thousands who want to see our unique birds and other wildlife – perhaps we could preserve habitats, encourage our existing wildlife, and promote our natural resources more widely?

The EU is taking this very real problem seriously, and the US is realising the ramifications as well – perhaps it is time for Aberdeen’s planning and development professionals to wake up to urban sprawl’s threats as well.

Further resources:

EU Environment Agency publication, “Urban Sprawl in Europe – the ignored challenge”
Butterfly Conservation (Magazine of the Butterfly Conservation) Issue No. 106 ‘ Light Pollution – a menace to moths, and much more’

Want to take action?: Write to your local community council, city council planning department, MSP and MEP to express concern Visit your local wildlife sanctuaries, the city’s coastal areas, Loirston Loch Support conservation charities such as the RSPB, Butterfly Conservation, the John Muir Trust

Lament For Aiberdeen

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion Comments Off

Mar 032011

By Bob Smith.

Greet fer oor eence great city
Fer Aiberdonians hae great pity
A toon run by a bunch o eeseless feels
A cooncil in the pooch o business chiels

Greet fer oor eence bonnie toon
Faar we’ve bin brocht roon
Ti a city run bi them aat’s rich
Faar protest they wid like ti ditch

Greet fer democracy twixt Don an Dee
A toon faar the cooncillors boo the knee
Kowtowin ti aa thon Acsef bunch
Fit for? Maybe the odd free lunch?

Greet fer the greenbelt an hae a groan
A briggie ti be biggit near Tillydrone
A fitba stadium fit glowes reid
The Loch o Loirston’ll seen bi deid

Greet fer the green lungs o the toon
Faar UTG’s trees wull be cut doon
Ti be replaced by a rich chiel’s vision
Time we aa treated iss wi derision

Fit’s happenin noo we shud lament
An banish oor cooncillors ti Tashkent
Bit lit us nae get ower doon in the moo
We micht yet dunce ti a jig fae Iron Broo

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”2010

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.25

Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour Comments Off

Feb 252011

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events ducking under the radar as well as making the headlines, and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Sometimes a joke goes a step too far; Old Susannah is perhaps a bit too old-fashioned, but I think the incident the other week involving Stewart Milne and a photo from a porn magazine went beyond the realms of good taste and good humour. If you didn’t hear about this or see the photo in the Sun newspaper, Stewart Milne ran into some AFC fans on the way to a match at a road stop. The fans asked Mr Milne to pose with them for a photo or two, and unbeknownst to Stewart, one of the fans held a pornographic magazine over his head, showing a woman in a state of undress!

Now I have as good a sense of humour as the next person (if that person isn’t Kate Dean or Kevin Stewart), but think how that must have felt! That poor woman agreed to pose for the soft porn magazine, but no one ever asked her permission before her image was used over Milne’s head. Now she is forever associated with Stewart Milne, and I’m afraid the stain may never leave her. How would you feel? Could you face your family and friends? Someone should send her an apology forthwith.

Minority (noun): Quantity of persons or objects representing less than half of a total given population. To mention Mr Milne again, he’s been in the news just now making an ACSEF of himself. Milne seems to be Stewing because ‘a minority’ of people are holding up the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route.

Road Sense, it would seem, have concerns over building the AWPR – something to do with no one knowing for sure exactly where it will go (remember the public ‘consultation’ routes which were all discarded after the ‘roadshows’?), what this road will cost, who is going to pay for it, how much environment (going through greenbelt and SAC areas) will be lost or fragmented, how much extra pollution it will mean, and how long it will take to build. Really now, these arguments are just nitpicking. Milne says it’s the minority who are opposed to this road – and as he’s shown with his ACSEF role, if the majority want something, that should be respected. Minorities should not, it seems, have any legal right if these rights might challenge what either the alleged majority – or more importantly ACSEF – wants. We know that the majority of people want the ring road because ACSEF and NESTRANS say so, which eliminates the need for any tedious voting or asking taxpayers what they want. Or, heaven forbid, another consultation.

Majority (noun): Quantity of persons or objects representing more than half of a total given population. Majorities should not, it seems, have any legal right to challenge what the minority wants. For instance, a massive ‘no’ vote was delivered by three elected community councils to the plans to concrete over the land at Loirston to put up a 21,000 seat stadium; the public were asked about it, and an open meeting held at a local hotel was packed with hundreds of people who resoundingly voted against the plan. It should be remembered, however, that our own Kate Dean was at that meeting, and she thinks one person in the room of hundreds wanted to put his hand up. The 150 plus people who wrote in to object formally to the stadium plans shouldn’t really be counted either.

Another dangerous majority whose wishes should be ignored are the so-called ‘Friends of Union Terrace Gardens’. We know that despite a public ‘consultation’ which might have slightly been skewed in favour of building a carpark on the gardens, the majority of respondents want the gardens left undeveloped. These two examples point out why we need ACSEF – majority rule is a bad idea. If only people were smart enough to realise how much money Loirston and UTG mean for Stewart Milne, then they would favour them. Because we’d all get rich. And have iconic structures. And tourists would flood Aberdeen. It is unknown how or when it was decided that Aberdeen should sprawl outwards and upwards until it resembled any other badly designed modern city, but clearly that is what our Planners have in mind. I hope this spells out that sometimes the majority is right and sometimes the minority is right – it all depends which group a certain developer falls into at the time.

Hospitality (noun): The act of taking or offering gifts such as concert tickets, alcohol, flights and accommodation. People in public office should be careful not to accept too much hospitality, but in times of austerity or budget cuts, accepting hospitality with any frequency will let the people know you are still there, and that there is still fun to be had in the city – even if all the pools, libraries, parks and greenbelt land is going. I am personally cheered up each time I know Kate Dean for instance is at a concert, having a dinner or trip, or being gifted a bottle of booze – it’s a feel-good factor we can all appreciate.

Does Ms Dean take much hospitality? Below is a partial list which shows what she’s reported for 2009 and 2010. I have to say that this list was apparently last updated in June 2010 – but it is rather strange that Ms Dean has had such a drastic cut in hospitality between the two years (only two events/gifts in 2010). I know she no longer holds the full reigns [sic] of power, but either she is extremely busy doing such good work that she has no free time, or her former contacts have for some reason dropped her like a hot potato.

Next week: Grampian National Health Service special: a shot in the arm.

KATE DEAN – GIFTS/HOSPITALITY RECEIVED

Received From	Date Registered	Short Description of gift/hospitality	Approximate Value
First Aberdeen	19/01/09	Dinner Dance at Ardoe House. Accompanied by Mr B Dean on 19/2/09.	Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown
UK Trade & Investment in partnership with Aberdeen City Council and National Subsea Research Institute	29/1/09	Welcoming the Oil and Gas Subsea Technology to the UK – Drinks reception and formal dinner at Elphinestone Hall 12/2/09	Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown
Aberdeen Asset Management	19/2/09	Invitation to attend the City of Aberdeen Universities Boat Race including buffet reception 28/2/09	Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown
The Parachute Regimental Association, Aberdeen Branch	3/6/09	Invitation to a Remembrance Service at Aberdeen Kirk of St Nicholas for the occasion of the Airborne Forces Day (Scotland) Service of Worship & Remembrance on 28/6/09	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Aberdeen University	3/6/09	Invitation to Dinner at Zeste at Crombie Halls for the Aberdeen University Summer Graduations 2009 on 8/6/09	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Watkins Development …………………………………….	11/6/09	Presented with an engraved trowel at the occasion of the Union Square Top-Out Ceremony on 10/6/09	Gift accepted / approx cost £12 …………………………………
AP Management Consultants	11/6/09	Invitation to a Business Breakfast at the Thistle Aberdeen Airport Hotel on 17/6/09	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Councillor John Stewart	13/08/09	Scottish Enterprise’s Official Opening and Tour of the Energy Development Centre on Tuesday 18 August 2009	Attending on behalf of Cllr John Stewart / cost unknown
Innovation Norway	03/09/09	Taste of Norway Reception at the Marcliffe Hotel on 09/09/09	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Professional Contractors Group, 280 Bath Road, West Drayton	04/09/09	Offshore Europe Oil and Gas Exhibition Reception at Aberdeen Copthorne Hotel on 08/09/09	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Belinda Miller, Enterprise, Planning & Infrastructure, Aberdeen City Council	10/09/09	Invitation to join the Aberdeen City Council table at the Northern Star Business Awards on Thursday 24/09/09 in the Press & Journal Arena at the AECC, including reception	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
North Lanarkshire Council	28/09/09	Invitation from the Lord Provost and Councillors of North Lanarkshire Council to a Civic Reception and Dinner being held on Thursday 22/10/09 in the Hilton Strathclyde Hotel.	Invitation accepted/ cost unknown
Mr S Clarkson, Proprietor, The College	17/09/09	Drinks whilst watching Scotland-v-Macedonia football match on 05/09/09	Accepted (estimated £20)
Sound	13/10/09	Invitation to the Launch of the Sound Festival 2009 concert with pre-concert drinks	Decline/ cost unknown
Hammerson	13/10/09	Invitation to the pre-breakfast launch and official opening of Union Square on 29 October 2009	Accepted the invitation to the official opening but declined the pre-breakfast launch / cost unknown
David McLetchie MSP and The Place2Be	13/10/09	Invitation to an evening drinks reception in the Garden Lobby, Scottish Parliament on 11/11/09 to celebrate the 15th Anniversary of ThePlace2Be	Declined/ cost unknown
Brewin Dolphin	04/11/09	Annual Cocktail Party on 26th November 2009; Drinks and canapés at Aberdeen Art Gallery	Invitation Declined/ cost unknown
Leo Chong and Alistair Leitch	04/11/09	Discussion of future trade links on 4th November 2009; lunch at Saigon restaurant	Invitation Accepted/ cost unknown
Evening Express	04/11/09	General discussion with Damian Bates, Editor, on 27th October 2009; coffee	Invitation Accepted/ cost unknown
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Britain’s Got Talent on 23rd June 2009.	Accepted
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Neil Young concert on 24th June 2009.	Accepted – passed to ACC staff
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Snooker Tournament on 15th October 2009.	Accepted
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Gladys Knight concert on 20th October 2009.	Accepted
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Michael McIntyre Tour on 26th October 2009.	Accepted
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Eddie Izzard Tour on 4th November 2009.	Accepted – passed to friends.
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to The Proclaimers concert on 7th November 2009.	Accepted
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Kasabian concert on 11th November 2009.	Accepted – passed to friends.
AECC	23/11/09	4 tickets to Clubland on 27th November 2009.	Accepted – passed to family
Aberdeen Chinese Community Centre	12/02/10	Aberdeen Chinese New Year Celebration dinner and entertainment on 16 Feb 2010	Accepted – cost unknown
National Prayer Breakfast for Scotland	23/03/10	22nd National Prayer Breakfast for Scotland on 2 June 2010 with Rt Hon Alex Salmond MSP, First Minister of Scotland	Declined

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.24

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour Comments Off

Feb 182011

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events ducking under the radar as well as making the headlines, and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

It seems the Ministry of Defence is in hot water again, although I don’t see what the fuss is all about. The Armed Forces had to make budget cuts (probably because of all those planes they bought can’t actually fly), and are letting people go.

In keeping with their historically tight budget controls, people being made redundant were informed by email, thereby saving the expense of postage stamps and letters and avoiding the tedious exercise of telling people face-to-face they would soon be jobless.

What they probably should have done was to leave a portable computer on a train with the info in it – that seems to be how they usually prefer to release information.

I guess it might have been a bit inconvenient to the people on the front lines in Afghanistan getting these emails, but remember, these are professional soldiers. No doubt they will read the email announcing their joblessness, and just get on with the war (or police action, or intervention, or whatever exactly we’re calling this one at the moment). It’s not as if the thought of unemployment might prey on their minds when they are on the front lines trying to stay alive, and since the UK economy is in such rosy shape, no doubt these folks will have a choice of high-flying jobs at their fingertips when they get back home.

For those lucky unemployed ex-soldiers, if they’re coming home to Aberdeen, we’ll have a host of jobs related to the Community Arena. Yes, Dr (of what I don’t know) Margaret Bochel has delivered a report following the Loirston hearing: the Community Arena Stadium will be an iconic building that will attract people from all over the world and make us all rich. Pollution, greenbelt and animal habitats pale into insignificance when compared to the importance of a new home for the Dons.

In case you didn’t know the people involved in this scheme include someone from the Cove Bay Rangers, who have a related scheme.
And yes, it is just a coincidence that Kate Dean’s husband is connected to CBR (STOP PRESS: I have just received the following advice about Mr Dean’s connection to the CBR: “…the information on the ACC website refers to Cove Rangers Supporters Club, which is very different from the Board of Cove Rangers. As Mr Dean is also a referee, I was told that it is unlikely that the information on the website is correct as it would not be appropriate for him to be Chair of the Supporters Club”. Old Susannah must apologise for thinking there would be some kind of link between the supporters club and the football team itself. Silly mistake.

I don’t think there can be much fun at Glencraft just now – it’s one obstacle after another.
Manager Andy Laing – who has given years to keeping the dream of Glencraft alive – has been given a little rent increase by our beloved City Council. In the old days the rent was just £1, reflecting the social importance of the business. And what was the rent increase our Council came up with for this historic factory which does so much for people with sight impairment or who face other ability challenges?

While the new rent fee wouldn’t even pay for a decent consultant, Glencraft now have to find £120,000. This isn’t a great deal of money after all; it’s only 1% of the £11 million the City wrote off the other year in bad debts.

it is plain to see that we’ve got the best trained councillors in the northern hemisphere solving our problems

Glencraft will manage no doubt; if not, then it is a dog-eat-dog economy after all. But in case you want to show your support, get to Glencraft next time you need a piece of furniture however large or small (or even go and buy a scented candle). Old Susannah bought a lovely wooden chest there recently, and will be back soon. Glencraft is open evenings and Saturdays.

Finally a small complaint – the Post Office doesn’t seem to be running very smoothly at the moment. I keep checking my letterbox, but still the Valentines cards from Dean and Milne haven’t arrived. Posties – please check your bags; many thanks.

Words in the news this week…

Training

The sharpest City Council minds know they need to stay on top of the latest developments and trends, or they will be left behind, looking like old-fashioned throwbacks unaware of current best practice in a changing world. Training is the answer. To train (verb) is the ‘act of imparting or receiving information or skills’. Last financial year, Aberdeen City Councillors only had £10,000 or so spent on their training needs (just slightly over the figure Ms Dean claimed in expenses that year), but this was money well spent. The City’s web pages don’t readily show who went on the courses, where they were held or how long they lasted, but it is plain to see that we’ve got the best trained councillors in the northern hemisphere solving our problems.

We do know what the courses were called, and you will be impressed to hear that they included ‘Best Practice in Employment Services’ which will explain the recent smooth handling of the Council’s staffing / salary issues. The employer/employee relationships at the Council don’t just happen by accident – it is all a matter of tact and diplomacy, fostered by a great training programme.

Another training course you and I pay for, ‘Equality is Essential for Elected Members’ springs to mind; I guess Councillors are told not to discriminate, and that would explain why men and women at the Council are paid equally. This would also explain why Glencraft, recipient of a rent rise from £1 to £120,000 this year, are being treated just like everyone else. I suppose that in these cash-strapped times, any councillor or dignitary receiving a peppercorn rent will have been handed a similar rent rise.

The more intellectual councillor can attend courses such as “Hot Topic – Granite City Grit”, “Access to Information”, and “Safe and Stronger”. I can see the Grit being a hard issue to get a grip on, seeing as we can’t afford any and the ‘Access to Information’ course is not an easy matter either, seeing as they now want to close a half dozen libraries, so information will be harder to come by. ‘Safer and Stronger’ might involve how to work out at the gym, but I suspect it refers to the safer and stronger economy we have because of the plans of our elected officials.

But the course that clearly has had the most impact? The “Public Value Seminar” of course.

There also is something called a “Distributed Leadership Seminar”; perhaps this is where the Liberal Democrat / SNP ‘coalition’ learns how to share the leadership of the City in such a seamless fashion. But the course that clearly has had the most impact? The “Public Value Seminar” of course.

Association for Public Service Excellence (noun)

A federation set up to recognise outstanding performance throughout the UK by elected officials and local governments.

John Stewart will happily explain his role representing Aberdeen City Council on the Association for Public Service Excellence board to anyone who wants to know, but as he’s a busy man just now, I’ll give it a go.

The “Association for Public Service Excellence” or ‘APSE’ to its friends serves several useful functions in today’s society, keeping the public in the luxurious style it is accustomed to. Community Councillors from across the UK get together for an Awards Ceremony, no doubt the taxpayer funds the trip and hotel out of gratitude. I am pretty sure that the BAFTA and Oscar/Academy Awards were started as a reaction to the publicity and glamour that APSE award ceremonies attract.

You will in no way be surprised to hear that Aberdeen has nearly won some awards. Did you know that in the 2010 APES awards, Aberdeen was a runner up in the Best Employee and Equality Initiative category – sponsored by Unison? It is a strange thing that we didn’t win it. After all, we have paid men and women equally for a few days now and Unison officials do work closely with the Council, even if it is in the context of Unison trying to save its members from job losses and salary cuts.

Other awards we nearly won were for our ‘Best community & Neighbourhood Initiatives” – who else has the foresight to close every community and neighbourhood local service they can and replace them with a giant stadium out of town? How did we lose that one?

I could not find any photographs of Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt at the last APSE award ceremony, but there are lovely shots of local councillors from across the UK in their finest evening attire; just visit the APSE website for all the glamour you would expect. Better luck next year! Keep your award acceptance speech handy, Mr. Stewart: You’ll be needing it one of these years.

Outsource (verb)

To outsource or privatise is to take an asset or service from the public sector (City Council for instance), and sell it off to a private company or invent a ‘private’ company to do what taxpayer money has paid local government to do in the first place. The benefit is that the taxpayer is liberated from responsibility in future for the asset – this is also known as ‘selling off the family silver’. We have seen for instance how much more efficient and affordable our trains became after privatisation.

If I can’t understand how this will save money in the long term, that’s just my lack of education

Pensioners in retirement homes in Aberdeen rejoice! No doubt following consultation with you and your families, the City are considering putting your care in the hands of the Private Sector. You see, the Council needs to save money, and it costs money to care for you. So if we take the money the taxpayers contribute to the city, give it to a private company that is in business to make money, your homes will magically cost less to run.

To ensure everything goes smoothly, some councillors are suggesting councillors be on the board of the company that will run your homes. Since private companies need to turn profits unlike (obviously) the city, there may be a few changes and a few corners cut, but seeing as how this would never happen without your agreement, congratulations on this wise business move. If I can’t understand how this will save money in the long term, that’s just my lack of education. Still, when has the Council ever steered us wrong?

Marks & Spencer Dine in for Two for a Tenner follow up:

Some time back I wrote about the Marks & Spencer ‘Dine in for 2 for £10’ offers, and how they were destroying the fabric and morals of our otherwise genteel society, and how the SNP were working to save us by getting the Scottish Parliament to ban M&S from making these offers.

Well, I need to confess: I’ve done a deal with M&S. There I was last weekend in M&S, looking for sensible socks and radishes, when I heard a crowd of excited people. When I looked up, all became clear. In giant red and pink signs, Marks & Sparks was offering yet another deal involving alcohol. But no £10 deal this time – no, the price had been doubled.

A man offered me a box of candy if I took the deal (I think this is referred to as a ‘sweetener’), and as a swarm of people of all ages around me fought over strawberries and mashed potato side dishes, I knew I had been sucked in. So – I recklessly blew my entire food budget, and have nothing to show for it but two sirloin steaks, a bag of salad (‘leaf’ or ‘herb’ they call it), strawberries, scallops, chocolates – and of course booze – which is the real reason anyone buys into this scheme at all. Yes, there are now two ‘Irish Coffees’ as they are known, sitting in my kitchen. I can think of nothing else – they came specially ‘prepared’ for me in glass containers which I can re-use – making it pretty certain I will be making more Irish Coffee in the future: this is another insidious way M&S keep me coming back for more.

Will I keep both Irish Coffees for myself? Share one? Have one now and another another time? Will I be able to handle it, or will I wake up days later in a police cell, holding an empty coffee glass and a half-eaten box of chocolates? Don’t let this happen to you – tell the SNP you fully support their plan to stop Marks & Spencer. It’s too late for me – I’m used to eating decent pre-packaged food and nice steaks with wine. I hope you learn from my mistakes and save yourselves.

Coming soon: statutory consultee, expert, ‘green spaces new places’ initiative; greed

‘Nigg’les Aroon The Loch

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Feb 182011

By Bob Smith.

Fit a stramash roon Loirston wye
Aboot the Dons new fitba hame
The local fowk are up in airms
Claimin some are nae playin the game

Noo richt awa I maun declare
An interest in aa iss spik
As I masel can be fun
At Pittodrie ilka second wikk

I hiv an interest as weel
In conservation o greenbelt lan
An fir mair than 5 decades
I’ve bin a wildlife fan

Noo aat’s said let’s hae a look
At the argiement for an agin
Tho’ ti build on protected lan
Iss ti me wid be a sin

Fir greenbelt lan it wid seem
Planners dinna hae muckle time
Nivver myn the flora an fauna
Jist cover it wi steen an lime

The Community Cooncil hiv great doots
Aboot the traffic an the parkin
Cloggin up aa the road arteries
Iss scheme they think is barkin

It’s nae surprise yon Stewartie Milne
Is richt ahin aa this caper
Wi lots o his business freens
An the “rag” o a local paper

I’ve hid a wird wi a fyow Dons fans
Faa ken the move is nigh
Maist are nae in favour
O a move oot Loirston wye

Bit losh I’m fair dumfoonert
Fit wye AFC canna upgrade
Aa the stands an ither bitties
Wi a new Main Stand ti be made

The new biggin it’ll glow aa reid
Fin the Dons play nicht matches
It micht be thocht a UFO
An be mentioned in RAF dispatches

The P&J – oh fit a surprise
Think aathing’ll be a bonus
They shud tell us aa the facts
An hae an impartial focus

Noo fowk aa ower the toon
At iss thocht will faa aboot
An impartial view fae the P&J
We’ll nivver hae I doot

Stewartie’s On A Shooglie Peg

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Feb 042011

By Bob Smith.

Stewartie Milne could be a loser
Dis he ken fit he is deein?
Backin some kittlesome ideas
Lots o fowk are disagreein

He’s weel ti the forefront
Promotin twa SPL tiers o ten
Bit some o his cronies say
Awa back an think again

He’s a freen o yon Trump
So must back use o CPOs
Stewartie min tak great care
Ye micht get a bleedy nose

Wi ACSEF he’s in bed
Wi Sir Ian Widd he cavorts
His the mannie nae sense ava ?
He maun be oot o sorts

The new stadium at Loirston
Is a must the chiel dis spoot
Maist Dons fans are nae convinced
An lots they hiv great doot

So Stewartie jist tak note
Tho’ millions ye micht hae
The fowk faa div oppose ye
They micht yet win the day

Old Susannah writes…

Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jan 212011

Old Susannah has been constantly on the go the past week. Here’s her travelogue…

On Friday I attended most of the public hearing on the Loirston Loch proposal at the Town House. Admittedly, I left before the full meeting ended, so missing Kate Dean’s concluding remarks, but I would have lost the will to live altogether, and I had to be at Peacock for 6pm.

Sorry I only lasted 8 hours at the hearing, but seeing as Kate was doing a great job of being impartial as convener, I left, in the knowledge that the stadium was in safe hands. See the article elsewhere in this edition of Voice.

Next day, the P&J printed an article favouring the stadium development which ignored all the practical problems and local objections, alongside a piece on Cove Rangers being allowed to move to new premises. Of course, these two developments in the Aberdeen footballing world are completely unrelated. Old Susannah must have wandered into a completely different public hearing from the one the P&J wrote about, as I missed the parts that proved how this stadium will not only make us all rich, but also make us the envy of the northern hemisphere. I came away with the subtle feeling that one or two of the residents might not be onside with putting a 21,000 seat stadium on their greenbelt.

The Peacock exhibition features Alicia Bruce’s photographic portraits of the residents facing potential eviction through compulsory purchase, so that Mr Trump can have the world’s most kitsch – sorry – most excellent, perfect, wonderful, swell, expensive golf course. A review and photos of the exhibition is elsewhere in Voice.

Finally, George Galloway and his moustache are in the news this week. He seems to be saying he will end his political career in Scotland. Has no one told him that his political career well and truly ended when he was on Big Brother pretending to be Rula Lenska’s cat? Respect….?

..and she shares the week’s defining moments in her Dictionary, Part 21

Embezzle

(Verb) To embezzle is to appropriate goods, property or money fraudulently when in a position of power, rather like when we pay Council Tax to local government with the false promise we’ll get something of value in return. Now it looks as if a City Council employee has been taking his work home with him literally – to the tune of somewhere between £300,000 and £400,000. It is understood the person and his wife are now ‘helping police with their enquiries’.

there is no fraud to worry about really, except the odd half million pound case like this one

Yes, it’s hard to understand how our well-run, efficient, properly audited and controlled City could have allowed such a thing to happen; ‘financial impropriety’ and ‘Aberdeen City Council’ are words you’d never expect to hear in the same sentence, I know.

Stringent controls are in place to prevent, for instance, property being sold below market value, property being sold to private developers when the City thinks it is really selling property to the NHS, or building work contract values escalating out of control, and the like. In fact there are ‘Investigation Managers’ and ‘Budget Analysts’ on the City’s efficient payroll.

But relax – there is no fraud to worry about really, except the odd half million pound case like this one, which clearly is a one-off and will never happen again.

Incandescent (Adjective) Incandescent is the ‘condition of glowing or emitting heat and light’. Indeed, it is often associated with lightbulbs but presumably less so with the new mercury-filled ones which don’t give out quite enough light for my taste. John Major famously took the word ‘incandescent’ and coupled it with his anger, coming up with the phrase, ‘not inconsiderably incandescent with rage’ to describe how he usually felt. This may have been his greatest contribution as Prime Minister, although we might want to ask Mrs Edwina Currie her opinion.

This adjective is still being used by the brightest stars in the political firmament, as no less a luminary than our own Kate Dean has told the press she is incandescent. No, not just her natural glow of warmth, charm and beauty; she is incandescent with anger.

Who’s upset Kate? The Scottish Government transport authorities have had the gall to criticise Aberdeen’s public transport management – the nerve!

outsiders might mistakenly think we have problems. I hope that an apology to Kate is on the way

As if there was anything to criticise. Kate’s main problem is that she didn’t have a chance to defend the City’s sterling record on public transport. The frequent bus services, the low prices, the potholes, the bus lanes.Apparently we’ve created one million pounds worth of bus lanes recently, part of the reason traffic moves so swiftly.

The well thought-out transport arrangements for Union Square and the bus and railway stations are greatly appreciated by people with mobility problems as well as car drivers and bus passengers, who, in rush hour or late night shopping days, can spend ages window-shopping at Union Square from the comfort of their own cars. Building the new AFC stadium is going to add 80 buses at current estimate and 1400 cars to the mix on Wellington Road, pollution levels on which can be higher than national recommended levels, but with the new bus lanes, well, it will be fine.

Part of Ms Dean’s problem is that Aberdeen wasn’t invited to the particular meeting where the criticism was levelled, so she could not defend our excellent system. Clearly a system as perfect as ours would not be able to stand on its own merits for others to marvel at – outsiders might mistakenly think we have problems. I hope that an apology to Kate is on the way.

Joined-up government.

How do things in the public sector work so well?

How do our governors manage to accomplish so much good with our tax money so efficiently?

The answer is that we have ‘joined-up government’.

The term ‘joined-up government’ is defined as ‘a method of governing wherein all departments and branches communicate efficiently with each other and act together purposefully and effectively towards well-defined objectives – but you don’t need me to tell you that’s what you’ve got in the ‘deen.

It is little wonder that international property developers want to come here when they see how ‘joined up’ we are.

It’s hard to pick out just one example pertaining to our government in terms of its ‘joined-up’ thinking, so I’ll take the most recent one. In the P&J on 19 January, there’s a story of how Scottish Enterprise and Aberdeen City Council work in harmony to our benefit.

Peacock Art Gallery, you may recall, had managed to secure a large grant from the Arts Council to build new premises. Like vultures smelling blood, the City and Scottish Enterprise moved in to offer assistance. They assisted Peacock right out of its plans for the Union Terrace Gardens arts centre it had proposed.

But what becomes of the grant from the Arts Council? It’s now probably lost forever, and we have the amusing spectacle of Aberdeen City v Scottish Enterprise. The blame game is on. Who did what and when is being argued over in the press as these two entities try to blame each other for the loss. Strangely enough, many years back, the Arts Council had ring-fenced a few million for an arts centre in the Castlegate. This money too was lost forever. A deadline approached, and the City Council seems not to have known anything about it, despite having a Council representative attending the relevant meetings. It is little wonder that international property developers want to come here when they see how ‘joined up’ we are. They know when they see examples like the latest drama over Peacock funding unfold, that we are people to be reckoned with – smart, astute business minds working in conjunction. There is no way we will be fooled or taken advantage of when great minds are in control. Not here.

On a serious note

Spare a thought for Sandy Ingram, the 79 year-old man found severely beaten in June of last year. He will now need full-time care, and can never return to the home he knew. Apparently he had seen two men on his property before he was assaulted. Whilst the residents in his area of Newmachar are now more vigilant regarding strangers, and are reporting suspicious behaviour to police, it comes too late for the Ingram family.

Someone out there knows what happened to him which is still a mystery to the rest of us. If you don’t come forward you are as guilty as if you’d hurt this elderly man yourself. And the next time someone else gets permanently injured or worse, you’ll have to live knowing you could have prevented it.

Even if you just suspect something, make an anonymous call. Do the right thing.

The Lost Village

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 212011

By Bob Smith.

Tak a trip oot bye Cove
It’s aneuch ti mak ye greet
Nae langer a quiet wee hamlet
Wi sma hoosies alang Main Street

Fit hiv they deen ti the village
Hooses thrown up here an there
The auld pairt still his tranquility
The rest is hard ti bear

Hae a waak up past the skweel
An ye’ll see fit I div mean
Aa the paths aroon Whitehills
Are nae langer ti be seen

The lang street fit’s Loirston Road
Wi it’s affshoot the “Hennie Raw”

His still a lot o hoosies
Fit are bonnie bricht an braw

Gyang wakkin doon the Main Street
Past the weel kent Cove Bay Hotel
The closer ye cam ti the shore
The air his aat tangy smell

Kids used ti be able ti sledge
Doon the brae an ower the brig
If they wir ti try iss nooadays
Some graves they wid hae ti dig

A bonnie freenly place wis Cove
Far ye eence stoppit for a blether
Wi muckle hoosin developments and sic
Fowk noo at the eyn o their tether

Thoosans o hooses aa roon aboot

For fowk fa wark in Aiberdeen
Nae thocht for life’s quality
Fit aul “Covers” wid hae seen

Div the kids still play at the shore?
Div they waak on the parapets?
Div they swing on pulley ropes still?
Faar the fisher fowk hung their nets

Harry Gordon he sang iss song
“Tak me back ti Cove”
If Harry wis here nooadays
He’d say na na by jove

Developers an planners are let loose
On villages fae Don ti the Tay
Can we stop iss mass invasion
O ither villages like Cove Bay

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