Old Susannah No. 46 – Thinking Outside The Box

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 042011
 

Old Susannah looks back at the week that was and wonders who’s up to what and why.  By Suzanne Kelly.

Tartan Day.   
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 A few impressive pipe bands, some knights in armour, and the Lord and Lady Provost paying tribute to the legacy of William Wallace.   Wallace famously fought for independence for his people against the rich and powerful tyrants of the day, who thought they were above the law.

You might say Wallace took ‘direct action’ to extremes.  How pleased he would have been to think our Provost and Council uphold the principles for which he was hung, drawn and quartered.

His statue of course overlooks the remains of the historic Denburn Valley, known to you and me as Union Terrace Gardens: also known to Wood and Milne as a cashcow.  How exactly the Wallace monument will look adjacent to any of the mysterious, unexplained, undisclosed £140 million pound proposals will be anyone’s guess.  

No doubt we will wind up with something that sensitively ‘connects’ the Victorian park to the impressive granite architecture.  In short expect glass, concrete, parking spaces and a monorail platform.  I suppose we could always take Wallace down and sell him for scrap metal to help with the UTG fundraising.  He’d have wanted it that way I am certain.

A few interesting titbits have been coming in from here and there.  Ms Valerie Watts showed up to speak to a Community Council Forum earlier this week, but she was unamused to be asked about the Tullos Hill roe deer cull.

Ms Watts also owes me a reply to a formal complaint on the whole Tullos issue; I’ve chased it up (again) today.

In fact the City is launching a PR offensive, and has offered to have officers present the tree proposal to community councils.  You might want to contact your council for details – the question and answer sessions (if any) alone should be worth showing up for.  We are told the community councils ‘only know what’s been in the media’, and don’t know the whole facts.

Media’s fault of course.  Nothing to do with the council not giving the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from the start of this great plan.  Of course if people wanted to write to Ms Watts to either support or reject the cull (or ask how the £43,800 ‘repayment’ was accidentally forgotten when I asked about it), all they have to do is drop an email to her at chiefexecutive@aberdeencity.gov.uk.

Feel free to ask any questions you want; but as a health and safety precaution, do not hold your breath until the answer arrives. At this rate we won’t get on with any definitions, so without any further ado, I will get stuck in.

Association of Community Councils

(noun) a collective body promoting the importance of community councils.  A not-for-profit body with the following aims  (well at least until it is culled next year):

  • “To encourage exchanges of information between Community Councils.
  • “To promote examples of best practice in the work of Community Councils
  • “To offer impartial and unbiased advice, training and information to Community Councils
  • “To facilitate communication between national bodies and Community Councils
  • “To preserve the independence of each Community Council
  • “To ascertain, collect, and express nationally, the views of Community Councils.
    From: http://www.ascc.org.uk/about

Unfortunately, it’s very, very expensive to run this Association.  It costs a massive £70,000 per year to run*, so obviously this forum for sharing ideas and experiences to strengthen community councils must be culled.

Aberdeen has its own unique way of dealing with community councils – it ignores them.  When it comes to consultations about deer, travellers, Union Terrace Gardens, closing schools or cutting services, our City Councillors generously take decisions without unduly burdening the elected community councillors.

Nigg Community Council was told, not asked, about the takeover of its park by Cove Bay Rangers football club (fan club president:  Ms Kate Dean).  They were told, not asked over the deer cull and the Loirston Loch stadium.  Just this week Nigg CC for some reason objected to a housing officer’s plans to throw Calder Park open to travellers for a few months.

What’s wrong with not being asked about this great plan in advance, I wonder?

This is all part of the City’s ‘consultation’ and ‘transparency’ drive.  Once the Association of Community Councils is gone, the Community Councils will be on their own.   In fact I’m surprised we haven’t had city councillors trying to kill off the community councils yet.  Some of these councils get nearly £3,000 a year or so to help people in their communities.

Perhaps it would be better to leave important matters to our tried and tested, honest, reliable, transparent, vibrant central government officials and councillors (well, the ones who keep out of jail and don’t get arrested for kerb crawling anyway.  Great minds like HoMalone, The Fletch and The Dean and so on).  I know I can barely get through a day on my own without their guidance.

The Association stood up for the community councils, shared best practice, shared experiences, and helped people (me directly for one) –  no wonder it had to go. 

*Note:   £70K doesn’t’ get you much these days.  Aberdeen’s ‘Change Manager’ earns £80,000 per  year. Scottish Enterprise costs some £750 million per year.  And ACSEF’s annual running costs?  No one knows for certain.

Streamline

(verb)  to abbreviate, shorten, abridge an object or procedure.

Central Government has recently announced it wants to ‘stop’ people creating future impediments to great projects like the AWPR.  The Loirston Loch stadium, being plunked in the heart of greenbelt land, never even got called in.

Time for more projects like the stadium to be ‘streamlined.’

You will have seen the dreadful news this week.  There was nothing sensationalist or alarmist in the Evening Express headline which told us in effect ‘Not building the AWPR costs £1 million per month’!  Absolutely shocking!  To think that people who don’t want this road built actually are standing up and using their legal rights to challenge it!  They even have the nerve to challenge the public/private funding mechanism the government wants to use to pay for the dream highway.

Obviously I believe it costs at least £1 million a month not to build the road – but you might want to have a look at what the Road Sense people think actually building the road will cost:-  http://www.road-sense.org/AWPR-MortgagingYourFuture.html .

I wouldn’t worry too much about their figures.  The road isn’t going to cost you a great deal of money.  However your children and their children’s cost for the road is another story, but like Scarlett O’Hara – with PPI financing, you can ‘worry about it tomorrow.’  Financially, it is as sensible as the funding plans for the ‘transformation’ of Union Terrace Gardens.

‘Streamlining’ planning applications can only be a good thing.

If anyone out there can figure out how much the AWPR has already cost in consultants and consultations, I’d really like to hear from you. Let’s be fair – there was a consultation.   A great big costly travelling consultation, with bells and whistles.

Of course the routes suggested in the very expensive consultation have nothing to do whatsoever with the road plans as they stand now, but let’s not split hairs. Money is very tight right now. We’ve got to cut corners (if we’re going to have the dosh to keep a couple of wars and our banks going).. The suggestion of ‘streamlining’ the justice system to get rid of pesky jury trials was a great idea – we may still get that one.

‘Streamlining’ planning applications can only be a good thing.

It is very reassuring to know that Alex Salmond is putting his mind to this worthy end.  We really should have made it easier for that nice Mr Trump from America to build the world’s greatest environmental disaster – sorry – golf course at Menie…  Look how much good it’s doing for everyone!  Jobs creations!  Tourists!  Holiday Homes!  Stabilised Sand dunes (my personal favourite).  So if we don’t immediately agree to start building the £191 million pound road (old estimate), then we are losing £1 million per month – if not per day!

This can’t go on.  I wouldn’t dare to question this statistic, as it was in print and must be accurate.  (By the way, assuming the costs haven’t risen from the £191 million, the new AWPR can be yours in only 16 years at £1 million per month – or twice that with PPI financing).

Let’s just start saying ‘yes’ to everything.  We have a government that wants to build as much stuff as it can, and it doesn’t want the likes of us to have to worry about the details.  I think they’re just trying to be helpful.  To someone.

Direct Action

(mod English noun)  form of protest where the protestors stage some kind of highly visible challenge to opponents, to call attention (especially media attention) to an issue or problem . 

This form of protest is increasingly popular with environmental and economic activists.  And it freaks the government out completely – which is totally wrong of course.

In a long-forgotten age, if your elected officials acted improperly or against the common good, you could write a letter and expect some form of answer.  If you didn’t get the answer you wanted, you could stage a protest march, get petitions signed, and so on.

It’s not as if our Government is scared of protestors.

If you still had no success with your cause in the good old days, you could take to the forests and rob the rich and give to the poor, or board a ship filled with tea from England and throw its contents into Boston Harbour.  Or have a revolution.

But no one ever remembers such events these days, and writing letters and starting petitions is much, well –safer.  Still, it’s a bit easier to ignore a petition than the Boston Tea Party.  Robin Hood is remembered as a hero, and King John the villain.  Who I wonder are our future heroes and villains?  Whose statues will be revered at the future Union Terrace car park and shopping mall?

It’s not as if our Government is scared of protestors.  If they were, they would have (for instance) put an undercover cop like Mr Mark Kennedy in place to spy on environmental protestors for seven years.  It does look like the poor policeman went ‘native’ in the end, and the courts did not think much of the police tactics used.

Such unwarranted police paranoia would never override principles of a democratic, free society.  But as the Met are not prepared to discuss this matter (even though it’s been all over the newspapers), we have to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Old Susannah will introduce ‘Just Do It’ next week at the Belmont; there will be discussion afterwards as well. 

‘Just Do It’ follows a group of environmental protestors as they meet their assorted targets and enemies head on. If you’re free on Friday 12 Aug at 6.30, please do come along.   I have had a preview of the film, and can promise it will raise a few interesting issues. (Rumours that the sale of deer antler headbands are about to go through the roof in Aberdeen are unconfirmed).

A Visit To ‘Aberdeen’

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Information, Opinion  No Responses »
Jul 292011
 

Anyone visited Aberdeen  lately? Fred Wilkinson has – several times – without venturing further than his  front door. Confused?

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The Aberdeen I visited is of course the Facebook community page of the same name, and I found plenty to write home about.
I was struck by the wealth and diversity of information and topics being discussed in a very friendly, mutually supportive atmosphere. No one really knows enough about their home town, and facts and figures rarely tell the real story of a place and its people.

I asked site  administrator Fiona-Jane Brown her views on why the site was set up, and what it was all about.

“It  is to celebrate the BEST of the city; also to promote local enterprise, events, community spirit etc. Also, to generate reminiscence about local history through old photos and links to archives”

It certainly provides a stimulating platform for discussion among Aberdonians and non-Aberdonians alike, and infinitely more interesting than official tourism sites.

“On my historical topics and photos people have shared loads of great memories and inspired me to create a new blog ‘QI Aberdeen’ to write fuller articles on the little gems of local history.  Local businesses with their own FB groups and web sites have started to post ads, which is great for the genuine local trader like ‘The Artist’s Pad’ which holds a prominent position in Castlegate, or Kiosque who promote local music and entertainment events.”

Would it be a useful source of information for anyone thinking of visiting the City?

“Yes, when folk post and say ‘I’m coming to visit, what do you recommend?’ the admins and the other members will happily provide info in the form of websites and suggestions.  I think students would also benefit from learning which areas of the city have suitable accommodation, where they can go out for the night, and where they can learn more about the local character.”

With news of events, photos of familiar and not so familiar features of the Granite City, interesting locally relevant facts, stories and links, and the ever popular ‘guess where’ photo discussions, visiting ‘Aberdeen’ is a hard habit to break.

Perhaps it’s greatest appeal – and 12,474 members surely can’t be wrong – is the sites capacity to offer a ‘flavour’ of life in the City. Fiona-Jane comments:

“Generally to me it represents the city itself – folk with differing views, interests, social and political backgrounds – hey, we’ve even had former council leader Kate Dean contributing to the posts about John Stewart’s resignation.

“And in any city, or any family, you don’t necessarily agree with everybody, and naturally the admins have differing interests which they like to promote.  I’d like it to stay couthy and friendly, but manage to have debate in a civil manner without discussions just turning into slanging matches.

“I’d like the group to have spin offs such as oral history projects, photographic exhibitions etc, but that’s way in the future!”

But what kind of ‘Aberdeen’ does the site offer to the world?

“An insight into Aberdonians.  The author of ‘Tenements and Sentiments’, Davie Duncan, said “The win’ may blaw thin, but Granite Chips aye survive’, meaning Aberdonians are hardy and always ready to deal with the storms of life!

“And that’s what the Aberdeen Page is – “where aa the granite chips rub thegither”, and sometimes there are sparks, and sometimes you get beautiful amazing sculptures that glitter in the sun.

“Maybe I’m a romantic, but as an Aberdonian, that’s how I like to think of my birthplace!”

Thanks very much to Fiona-Jane Brown for the interview. And so to my original question. Anyone visited ‘Aberdeen’ lately? Why not?

Here’s the link, https://www.facebook.com/pages/Aberdeen/47236254126?ref=ts

… See you there.

Old Susannah No. 45 – Consultants, Cuts And Civic Cars

 Articles, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jul 212011
 

Old Susannah looks back at the week that was and wonders who’s up to what and why.  By Suzanne Kelly.

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The Belmont Cinema’s screening the documentary ‘Just Do It’on Friday 12 August, and has asked me to come along for a discussion. It’s a film about people taking direct action against an unlistening, unmovable government and wealthy, powerful private entities, so it won’t be of much interest to the people of Aberdeen.

I guess they want someone to come along and stick up for the City and its rich business interests, and the Belmont thought of me. If you can make it, it will be at 6.30. Further details to follow.

The dodgy doings in Aberdeen are slightly outshone this week by the continuing twists and turns in the News Corp / News of the World saga.  One initial whistle-blower Sean Hoare was mysteriously found dead (‘nothing suspicious’ the police advised almost immediately. A Post Mortem will no doubt confirm this assessment).  

People are walking around Parliament with shaving-cream pies unchallenged by our crack security forces, Rupert knows nothing about anything, and Rebekah Brooks deserves an Oscar.

While I commend Private Eye Magazine for its coverage (only going back to 1969 or so) of Murdoch and his bid for world dominance at any cost, I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that it has chosen to criticise our fair city in the same issue. 

The Eye implies that something was wrong with the City Garden Monitoring Group’s  ‘redacting’ (that’s blacking bits out to you and me) its minutes and reports.  Undoubtedly,  this was only done after careful thought and for reasons of national security.  I therefore hope no one is planning to buy Private Eye No. 1293 (on newsstands now, £1.50, subscription deals available).

I certainly hope no one will be reading its ‘Nooks and Corners’ feature (page 17) where our city’s elected officials are criticised.  There is also a piece in this issue entitled ‘Orwellian Nightmare’ – but as it happens, this is not about Aberdeen after all.

Not only are the redacted minutes mentioned in The Eye, but also Mike Shepherd’s open letter to the City regarding Union Terrace Gardens is covered.  Mike  if you’re out there:– just because the City doesn’t know what’s going to go in the Gardens, or how much it will cost, or what the environmental impact will be, or where the money will come from, or what the external design people are going to do does not necessarily mean the City doesn’t know what it’s doing.

Let’s hope Private Eye stops peering into our City – how else are they getting their information?

fantastic news that we’ve decided to hire some external consultants to figure out our City’s small financial problems  

It’s not as if anyone here would be so bold as to contact the Eye (strobes@private-eye.co.uk) and give information – particularly now that the Council has sent letters warning staff not to tell anyone anything about anything ever in any form.  I would hate to think of any secrets getting out.  Not that there are any secrets of course.

This week I wanted to take another look at how much our City is spending on essentials (like portraits, parties, clothing allowances, consultants, expenses and so on).  My curiosity sprang from the fantastic news that we’ve decided to hire some external consultants to figure out our City’s small financial problems.

The vote to hire these consultants may have been taken without any meaningful consultation, and these consultants will cost some £500,000 or more (that’s about £2 quid from each of us).  But I somehow feel we’re breaking new ground here by using outside consultants (although I seem to remember when Kate Dean was in charge, and she had absolutely no idea how many millions were spent on consultants).

It will be great having experts on hand – obviously we don’t have any in the City given the small salaries we pay our top people.  I’m sure the unions  will come around to the City’s way of thinking about consultants and cuts, even if a few jobs may wind up axed.   As a reminder, the City collected hundreds of suggestions from its own staff as to  how to save money some time ago.

The City will be sharing these suggestions with the consultants (you can refer to them as ‘con men’ for short), and I’ll bet that staff whose ideas are taken up will be financially compensated as well as credited for their ideas.  It’s not as if consultants would do anything lazy like take the good ideas on board and pass them off as their own ideas – that’s never going to happen.

I guess this will be a really tough assignment for the consultants – let’s wish them luck and not be surprised if they go a wee bit over budget. Expect some vibrant and dynamic bills to pay for these as-yet unnamed consultants who (I bet) will tell us to outsource services.  “What do you mean by  ‘outsourcing’?” I hear you say.

Outsource:

(verb, mod English – to move services from public sector control to the private sector).

So Aberdeen’s voted to bring in private consultants who will evaluate if services should be made private.  It will all be fine.  There is just one funny coincidence when cities outsource services at consultant’s recommendations – the consultants usually pick up more business for helping to  implement the outsourcing.  It is almost as if the consultants have some kind of incentive to recommend outsourcing.

In the health sector for instance, lots of dosh can be saved

Unkind people think consultants are self-interested greedy unaccountable entities, but nothing could be farther from the truth.  Remember, the City is  there to make money, not to waste tax money on good services and keeping our environment healthy.

We know from experience in the UK that outsourcing services such as healthcare is always a money-saving way to get better services in the end.  Local governments stop directly running services with its own staff, and then private service providers and subcontractors take over the service in question using the cheapest labour available.

Even though private companies exist to make a profit and the taxpayer still has to pay for the services (which almost always cost more when the private sector runs things), then at least the services are off the local authority’s books.  Which is a good thing.

In the health sector for instance, lots of dosh can be saved.  So what if our hospitals have crumbled, corners have been cut to make money at every turn, infections run rampant, and good nurses are leaving the profession in droves.  The private consultants still make money.   It’s not as if there have been any scandals, tales of incompetence or abuse of vulnerable people when the private sector takes over.

Usually a local authority puts one or two of its best people on the board of service providers and health boards to ensure perfection is achieved.  Grampian Health has Kate Dean for instance.  Southern Cross is a shining example of what we can expect in the ‘Deen should we keep outsourcing.

Civic Car

(noun peculiar to Aberdeen – a ride for dignitaries which has been well and truly ‘pimped,’ just in case royalty should come to town for a day or two ever).

I am getting far too excited by the prospect of the unveiling of the Lord Provost’s portrait.  I started to wonder how the Lord and his Lady (and the security guard) get around town.  I had hoped it was in a pumpkin-shaped horse-drawn coach.

At one point the horrific suggestion was made that the Civic Car should be a second-hand affair! 

Do they get around of their own accord?  Perhaps by a Honda Accord?  No, not an Accord, but a Civic.  No, not a Honda Civic – but The Civic Car.   (By the way our LP was spotted in Kingswells yesterday morning in some sort of football mum’s 4×4 near a grass verge with 3 other men – but a man like him needs more bling than that).

The existence of the Civic Car explains another excellent use of our Common Good Fund, and I for one could not be happier.

How much does a Civic Car take per year from our collective  Common Good fund?

Well, in 2009/10, here are the published figures for the upkeep of said Civic:-

Upkeep of Civic Car: budget £ 51,332; at 31 March 2010 £44,749 ‘estimated out turn’ £53,122
(Figures from Aberdeen City Council)

Clearly the salary isn’t enough to attract anyone to the Lord Provost role; it’s only £28k per year.  However, cruising in the Civic car for the Lord Provost alone cost… £23k.  In these days of economising, I’m glad to see standards haven’t fallen.  At one point the horrific suggestion was made that the Civic Car should be a second-hand affair!

Thankfully, there was no way they could find a second-hand car grand enough for the job, as you would rightly expect. Here’s why this symbol of Aberdeen’s status is more important than your local school, hospital, or service:-

“The level of baseline specification for the Civic Car has to give full consideration to the Lord Provost’s role as Lord-Lieutenant. The Lord Provost is Her Majesty’s representative when in Aberdeen. The official ‘Guide to the Role of Lord-Lieutenants’ says that “it is his first and foremost duty to uphold the dignity of the Crown”. The Civic Car is used during Royal Visits and has been used in the past to transport members of the Royal Family as part of these visits to Aberdeen.

“Other duties of the Lord-Lieutenant are to meet visiting Heads of State within Aberdeen, to represent The Queen or a member of the Royal Family at a funeral or memorial service when requested, to make nominations for invitations to Royal Garden Parties, to offer congratulations of 100th birthdays and significant wedding anniversaries, make nominations for honours and awards, presentation of awards and to support and participate in citizenship ceremonies. During the course of discharging some of these responsibilities, use of the Civic Car by the Lord-Lieutenant or his representative will be necessary”.

I confess:  I once allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to be Lord Provost.  You’d get the necklace.  You’d get the clothing allowance.  You’d even get trips to Edinburgh sometimes.  But having read the above job description, I realise no ordinary person could do all of that, and I now have the respect for this office that it truly deserves.  I hope all you council clerks and office staff realise now how comparatively easy you have it; in fact you might ask yourselves whether you are being overpaid.

And why am I so interested in all the City’s necessary expenditures like parties, flash cars, portraits, statutes, travel abroad and so on?  Because John Stewart is so concerned about such things.  Stewart’s so worried that in a recent vote concerning the future of Union Terrace  Gardens, he put up a motion to ‘change’ the gardens.   Part of his motion reads:-

“…that should the competition fail to produce a design acceptable to the Council, officers prepare a report for members detailing the costs of maintaining and enhancing the existing gardens”.

 Before we have our very own Lord Provost going about in a second-hand  ‘Beamer,’ it would be far smarter to see what those pesky gardens are costing us in petunias and rose bushes.

And quite right.  Before we have our very own Lord Provost going about in a second-hand ‘Beamer,’ it would be far smarter to see what those pesky gardens are costing us in petunias and rose bushes.  (from the looks of things, we have more than enough free fertiliser in the area).  As John famously said, there’s not much in the gardens but grass.

Who’s footing the bill for all this grass?  Why isn’t it turning a profit?  What can we do to stop this wasteful expense so we can have more to spend on consultants, pictures and parties?  Is there a consultant in the house?

In some 9 months you will be asked to vote for councillors; some of whom think they stand a good chance of getting re-elected.  These self-sacrificing souls will be happy to hear that Old Susannah will be creating a little matrix of how they’ve voted and what they’ve done (ie kerb-crawling,  misappropriation of public funds, and pub slap-ups).

For openers, here are the names of those who agree with John Stewart that we should get a report on the massive costs of keeping UTG going and all that grass growing:

For the amendment by Councillor John Stewart (23) – Lord Provost Peter Stephen (note – it’s great that our Civic Car man and artist’s model wants to save money by cutting out the gardens!) ; Depute Provost Dunbar; and Councillors Corall, Cormack, Cormie, Dean, Donnelly, Fletcher, Jaffrey, Kiddie, Leslie, McCaig, McDonald, Malone, May, Milne, Noble, Robertson, John Stewart, Kevin Stewart, John West, Wisely and Yuill.

I’m going to have to leave it there for now.  Between thinking about deer, Union Terrace Gardens, consultants, portraits and civic cars I’m starting to feel a little nauseous again (I was sick the past 4  days with a nasty stomach bug which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. Would I?).

Coming soon:  A look at our local government and quango Boards, and hopefully overdue news on my Freedom of Information Requests.

McCaig’s Folly?

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jun 102011
 

Town House1
By Bob Smith.

A young chiel is bein touted
As leader o oor cooncil mob
A lot o fowk are speirin
Is the loon up ti the job?

A suppose the billie he dis ken
Fit a task he’d be takin on
The cooncil’s fair cash strappit
In iss toon twixt Dee an Don

A truly hope he his mair sense
Than cooncillors Malone an Dean
Faa some fowk hiv noo branded
Amang the worst they’ve ivver seen

Wull he hae the gumption
Ti staun up ti ACSEF’s ploys?
Or wull he turn oot ti be
Jist anither o ACSEF’s toys?

A hope the laddie disna think
Iss jobbie wull be a jolly
Or his tenure micht be kent
As Aiberdeen’s “McCaig’s Folly”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Old Susannah’s Journal No.39 – Maths! (After A Fashion)

 Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jun 102011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

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Summer in Aberdeen.  Lighting the barbeque (rain permitting) then standing around it (to warm your hands up) while someone inevitably insists on taking over the cooking, ensuring you get a burger burnt on the outside yet still frozen inside.

Old Susannah is off for a spray-tan tomorrow so she’ll be bright orange (or maybe not) for the season’s most important event – the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens picnic.  My picnic basket has been dusted off, a few brewdogs put in the deep freeze, and raingear laid out (just in case) for the big day Saturday.

If you think the City’s economic future doesn’t depend on putting a carpark where the verdant remnant of the Denburn Valley is, then I will see you there Saturday.

Old Susannah was at the RGU students’ fashion show last Thursday as a guest of one of the lecturers; the designs on show were impressively creative and individualistic.  It was a professional, enjoyable show, but I hope they do better on the drink front next time.  I guess it is possible to have clothing that’s not been sewn in the third world by children in sweatshops after all.

The mini bottle of unchilled white wine however was not to my group’s taste, and we made a break for it to Cafe 52 for some cold beer and wine.  Since then, I’ve had a wee bit of my time taken up looking into the deer cull.  It’s not too late (I hope) to stop this madness.

But now it’s time for a definition or two.

Mathematics: (noun) classical discipline encompassing algebra, geometry, trigonometry; numeracy.

Maths was never my strongpoint.  I still haven’t figured out how we can guarantee our economic future by getting a TIF loan for £100 million or more while being £50 million in debt to get rid of Union Terrace Gardens.

Thankfully, that’s what ACSEF and the Council tell me will happen, and I’m quite prepared to take their word for it.  I’m not even smart enough to figure out how a Stadium at Loirston Loch for 21,000 people can work on 1400 parking places (or how the stadium’s plan to have 80 buses reach Loirston from College Street in 15 minutes flat is feasible.  I personally can’t get a bus from Torry to Nigg when it’s busy that takes less than half an hour.  Obviously I’m doing something wrong.).

I’m working on my math skills in the hopes I too can see how black and white our city’s thinking must be.

I guess I also have to work on the mathematics behind the Haudagain Roundabout situation and the proposed Paper mill housing development.  It is good to know that Aberdeen is the best in the UK at something – and it’s official:  we are the best at roundabout traffic jams.  I’d always thought traffic moved just a wee bit slowly in the part of town as people stopped to admire the lovely roundabout itself.  However, as ever:  the City has a plan.

And here is the mathematical sense behind it:

Take: 1 x congested roundabout

Subtract: 100 nearby Middlefield houses to be bulldozed

Add: 900 private dwellings (builder:  one Mr S Milne) near congested roundabout

Add: shops, offices, a medical centre, business units and riverside bistro (builder:  Mr Milne)

Equals = minimal impact on roundabout traffic.

That’s right.  There will be minimal impact on the roundabout per our Council.

Personally I would have thought that the massive number of people trying to get a table at the riverside bistro alone would have led to traffic standstill; I hope to have an invitation to the opening night.  The medical centre makes a nice addition to any housing scheme of this size; it is the Vaseline that lets these great housing plans slide through planning departments.  It will be an extremely useful medical centre, as all of the people stuck on the roundabout will need treatment for C02 inhalation and dehydration.

My other mathematical ignorance concerns the Tullos Hill deer:

Take: 30 deer (Council’s estimate) which normally live 5-7 years

Subtract: (I mean ‘kill’ – sorry, I mean ‘cull’) 9 male deer this year

Balance: 21 deer

Plant: 40,000 trees

Number of trees left for each deer to eat =  1,904

Old Susannah can eat and drink with the best of them, but had no idea how hungry these tiny little deer must be:  1,904 trees is a fair amount per deer.  If each deer ate only 5% of this figure, that’s still 95.2 saplings for each deer (of the remaining herd after we’ve ‘managed’ 9 males as the City wishes).  It is a complete mystery to me how these hungry critters manage to survive on Tullos at all given the lack of trees.  Alas, I have no degree in forestry, so it looks like I must take the experts’ advice:  deer are dangerous vermin which if left unchecked will eat.

Not in Crisis: (mod English phrase) – phrase used to reassure others that a given situation is under control or no cause for concern.

If you follow football (a game somewhat similar to what they do at Pittodrie), then you will know that FIFA is ‘not in crisis’.  For you or me allegations of corruption, vote-rigging, bribery and dishonesty might spell a bit of trouble.  For the Federation Internationale de Football Associations, such issues can be shrugged off.  It is because of FIFA’s high moral stance that footballers the world ‘round behave with such dignity, ethics and honesty.

Behind every great organisation there is a great man.

Milne Homes has Stewart; the Wood Group PSN has Sir Ian, and FIFA has President Blatter.  Mr Blatter is so very popular that no one ran against him in the latest FIFA presidential election.  Or something like that.  I guess the question is does a mere £100 million ‘inducement’ really amount to a bribe?  I think not.  FIFA does have a ‘Standards Statute’, which is a modern fiction classic.  It reads in part:

“The Standard Statues contain all the provisions that are intrinsic to any constitutive texts worthy of such description.  We are therefore calling upon the Associations to examine these statutes meticulously and incorporate all of the articles and principles covered into their own statutes – for their own benefit and for the Good of the Game” – Joseph S Blatter

I love a good read, and gave the Statues a once-over.  However, I did not find the proper etiquette for accepting brown envelopes filled with money.  Perhaps someone here in Aberdeen can help with that.  In any event, it is hoped that all the world’s football associations will soon behave as Mr Blatter wishes.  Heaven forbid anything happens to put the beautiful game into disrepute.

Quasi-serious note

Last Christmas I put in a serious note about the holidays not having to be the beautiful family and friend-filled affairs that the TV commercials present.

Not everyone had 20 friends round their tree drinking eggnog before a horse-drawn sleigh ride.  Summer is rather the same.  The media tells you that you must look fantastic in your bathing suit (if it ever gets warm enough to put it on).  You must play volleyball on a sandy sunny beach and drink orange soda the same colour as your skin.

Don’t for a moment assume that everyone will be having tropical holidays and drinking cocktails from coconut shells under palm trees.  The economy is not great (despite the best efforts of ACSEF and ACC).  You might have your worries.  Take a ‘staycation’.  Visit Scotland.  Visit Tullos Hill for that matter.

But don’t let some false media advertising imagery fool you.  And if you are like many people struggling with one thing and another, remember:  at least you’re not Ryan Giggs.

Loirston Loch At Easter – A Photo Essay

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Environment, Featured, Information, Opinion  No Responses »
Jun 102011
 

By Suzanne Kelly.

A Swan and Anglers At Loirston loch
Aberdeen Voice’s photographer and IT technical master (otherwise known as Rob) and I paid a visit this past Easter Sunday to Loirston Loch.

It was a quiet afternoon; there were only a few anglers and a handful of walkers.  Most people were probably at home with families for the Easter Holiday, and Rob and I took full advantage of the lack of people to explore the area.

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Cowslip At Loirston
It was too early in the season for many flowers to be out, but we saw some very delicate wildflowers, some bluebells about to blossom, and some primrose.

There were several swans on the loch, which was still but for the occasional movement of those fishing. You could easily forget that Union Square was up the road.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t forget that a giant stadium will forever ruin this tranquillity.

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The Sign At Loirston Explaining Why A Football Stadium Should Not Be Built There.
One of the first sights that met our eyes was the now-famous welcome sign.

The sign was erected by the City Council and tells Loirston’s visitors why the land should not be built on.
I was almost surprised the Council had not removed it. (I had written a letter that was printed in the Scotsman, when I first heard the area was earmarked for Aberdeen Football Club’s new home; this was in May 2009).

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Detail Of The Sign At Loirston Explaining Why A Football Stadium Should Not Be Built There.
It is still inconceivable that anyone could possibly consider destroying this nature sanctuary.

Supposedly Loirston is in an SAC.  Plunking a 21,000-seat stadium down, which will ‘glow red in the dark’ with 1400 parking spaces will fragment the greenbelt.  Building a giant structure in the fields near the loch will take valuable hunting, living and breeding area away from the wildlife.  This is being euphemistically billed by stadium supporters as ‘creating a wildlife corridor.’

Rob spotted a Heron overhead; it was majestic.  On my previous visit I saw a buzzard in flight.  Will these and other creatures return when there are football crowds next door?

Loirston Gets Its Trees And The Trees Get Protectors - Makes Me Wonder...
We noted the use of tree guards – an option apparently not suitable for the planned tree plantation up the road at Tullos Hill.

Rob and I looked around the perimeter of the area and near the Lochinch Farm Interpretation Centre.  The City is great at making sweeping statements about biodiversity and reducing CO2 emissions – how precisely this squares with the planned stadium is another matter.

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Young Trees At Loirston
I recalled the public hearing on the Stadium plan; Nigg Community Council was an objector, and had been left out of relevant consultations.

The Tullos Hill deer cull has likewise not properly consulted with Torry Community Council, and like the Loirston Loch situation – the public’s opinion seems to have no weight whatsoever with our elected officials.

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Burn Running Through Loirston Surrounded By A Host Of plants
It’s likely Stewart Milne and the proponents of the stadium feel that the stadium is a done deal.  They will find that this is certainly not the case.

Planning permission has been granted, and the Scottish Parliament did not call in the plan.  This is not the same as having the stadium built.
There are several communities and community councils opposing the stadium.

If you can find the time, do go visit Loirston.  If after your visit you have feelings one way or another about building the stadium, its offices and parking, etc. in the area, please do tell your elected representative.  It’s not too late to do something.

More from me on Loirston in the near future.

 

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 37 – Open Space Oddity

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 272011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

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To the amazement of the entire City, the Rapture came and went this Saturday without our Council floating away through the skies to heaven. Some American religious-types (who are not nutters at all) believed this past Saturday was the date for the righteous and holy to ascend to heaven.

However, since Kate Dean, Donald Trump, Stewart Milne and HoMalone have been seen walking the earth since Saturday, we can conclude that the Rapture was nonsense (or the date was wrong anyway).

Those who believed in the Rapture also believed that Hell on Earth would follow for those left behind. I hear the Council is working on it.

Then again, that’s maybe why Dean, Trump, Milne and Malone are still among us. Any similarity between these four local dignitaries and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse is purely coincidental. Some say Hell doesn’t exist except as a state of mind. If it does exist, I’ll be its got lots of concrete, parking, chain stores – and level access from all sides.

So the Rapture didn’t come Saturday.  But then when my mini polytunnel started floating out of my garden to the skies with the high winds on Monday night (along with a few roof slates), I wondered if the Rapture hadn’t just been delayed by a day or two.

Speaking of delay, I am told that Marischal College is not exactly up and running yet, despite Monday being the official opening date. It’s just not like our Council to be imprecise or miss deadlines, I admit. I guess if even the Council aren’t reliable 100% of the time, then God can be a few days late with his Rapture too.

I have a friend in Torry who is most concerned about Marischal being delayed – he is more than happy to have waited a couple of years for the Council to fix the leaky roof over his head, knowing that Marischal was given priority.

Even if the great building isn’t fully functional, citizens are still overjoyed that any ruts in the road surrounding Marischal have been smoothed over. After all, we wouldn’t want visitors to Aberdeen to get the wrong idea and think we had any potholes. And it’s only cost you and me £60 million, £80 million or somewhere in between, depending on whom you talk to.

This next definition may not fully make up for the Rapture not happening – but it’s the next best thing. I bring glad tidings of great joy: Aberdeen has launched another Consultation!

Open Space Audit: noun – another consultation.

Yes, another one. The Open Space Audit is a specific consultation asking for public opinion and which like previous consultations leaves a wearying feeling of deja vu.

Open Space: the final frontier. These are the consultation papers of the Flagship Enterprise Committee, whose continuing mission to seek out new green spaces and destroy ecosystems – to boldly develop what no council has developed before.

I hadn’t realised it, but there are still one or two green spaces that haven’t been carved up by developers – I mean which still need connectivity and improvement. You should feel very flattered: these important people want to know your opinions on these ‘new’ green spaces.

I only hope this time we are smart enough to give them the opinions they want, unlike when we turned down the opportunity to improve and ‘connect’ Union Terrace Gardens (which will still be ‘improved anyway – don’t worry). If previous consultation exercises are anything to go by then I’m happy to help. After all, it is a privilege to give up a few hours to read massive consultation documents, digest hundreds of pages of council-speak, set my thoughts on paper – and still be totally ignored.

“How do they always get it so right?” I hear you ask. Well, there is a scientific scale the Council uses to decide what the results of a consultation mean:-

  • if 300+ people want something left alone, and 2 people want the same thing changed – then change it  (like the comments on Union Terrace Gardens made during the last local development plan)
  • if people don’t object to a deer cull they didn’t know about – then get on with the deer cull, however many thousands of people and community councils beg you not to.
  • if more than half of respondents to a consultation (let’s say about gardens for instance) don’t  give the answers that the council or ACSEF want- then it means the consultants should have ‘massaged’ the results better – and it means the people didn’t understand what they were supposed to do.

Anyway, back to this exciting Consultation at hand.

Right: we have these ‘new’ green spaces, which obviously can’t be left as they are – we have to improve them. Some of them are even hard to get to. I therefore hope we will be building carparks in the Cairngorms and some connectivity enablers (shopping malls) on Loch Ness, which would increase the economic viability of the region as well.

What good is an open space if you can’t park, shop and eat at it? But rest assured – this is a local plan for local people. If you wish to read the 43 page main document, then please be my guest.

I was fascinated to learn Union Terrace Gardens is not really a city centre park (as if you need me to tell you). It is obviously a local park that “generally serves a smaller catchment area than city parks but can contain specific attractions. Most visitors will be from the immediate locality but some will travel further to use specialist facilities, e.g. sports centres or horticultural features in season.” (Aberdeen City Council Parks Hierarchy document, 1998). Glad to have helped with that.

Here is a highlight to entice you into reading the consultation papers:-

The Open Space Strategy has very close links with other strategies such as Aberdeen City’s Nature Conservation Strategy and should not be considered as a standalone document for delivering wider environmental benefits. Links to the various relevant policies and strategies are provided in Figure 1.

Supplementary Guidance on Open Space has been developed in parallel with this strategy, and sets outs the Council’s approach towards planning and development of new open spaces.
See www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/openspace

I think they are really going for a literary prize with this one. Again, I don’t understand what makes green spaces with bronze age burial grounds or Victorian garden features ‘new’ green spaces – even after reading all the helpful literature.

You will be pleased to find a fetching diagram with arrows, nice colours and shapes and soundbites at ‘Figure 1’. A free Brewdog to anyone who can explain it to me.

Whatever it means, it links to the Nature Conservation Strategy, so that’s OK then. Presumably this strategy includes taking a beautiful, unspoilt hill like Tullos, letting people set it on fire for a few decades, suddenly calling it new, saying it’s under-used, killing (“managing”) whatever lives on it, and putting 40,000 trees on it for the benefit of future arsonists.

Nature Conservation: noun – to find any remaining land, cull or ‘manage’ any nature that’s there, change it into something else, and to act like a Conservative who’s smelled money.

So you see, some of these green spaces have wildlife – which will consume the green stuff on the green spaces – so we need to ‘manage’ the wildlife. With guns.

How Nature ever managed in the past without HoMalone’s help is anyone’s guess. There are even ‘birds of prey’ which go after the captivity-bred, helpless, battery game birds found on some estate without paying for what they eat. Quite rightly we are continuing to poison these freeloaders, as witnessed recently at the Glenbuchat Estate in Strathdon.

Accidentally of course, a golden eagle got hold of a banned pesticide, carbofuran, and was ‘managed’ successfully by a painful death. Thankfully this kind of event will soon be a thing of the past, as we’re ‘managing’ to finish off the birds of prey quite nicely.

The fox which Mr Forbes bravely killed – sorry – – sorry ‘managed’ at his golf club was a dangerous wild beast.  A wild beast which normally would have eaten worms, and which was the size of my cat.

But we do have an even more serious issue: Ms Malone is still ‘desperate’ to plant her tree for every citizen. First things first, right?  The deer might eat some of the trees. Just for your reckoning, 40,000 trees divided by the 30 deer the City says live on the hill is equal to each deer consuming 1,333.33 trees. Food for thought.

When there are conflicts like this in nature between deer and vicious predatory beasts, there can be only one solution. However Ms Malone hasn’t resigned yet. Please keep your complaints to the City Council coming. You might want to ask HoMalone what’s going to stop people burning the new trees for that matter.

I eagerly anticipate sending in my response to this Open Space consultation. But once again, I must put up my hand and admit I am not smart enough to have any opinions until I have read the ‘Supplementary Guidance’ document. At only 38 pages, it’s a really brief read. It starts by telling you

“Access to good quality open or green spaces is important in contributing to a greener, healthier, smarter, safer, stronger, wealthier and fairer city”

How this city could get any fairer is beyond me. Still, you start by reading that sentence, and by the end of the document you’re brain hurts so much you’re ready to get a gun and start blasting seagulls like Mervyn New, or culling deer like HoMalone. This set of consultation documents is hypnotic persuasion at its best.

I am not sure I can handle waiting – but in due course there will be ‘The Open Space Strategy Strategic Environmental Assessment Report.’

When this is released, expect scenes reminiscent of when the final Harry Potter book was released as people queue in the streets to be the first to get their copy. To tell the truth, I can’t even figure out what the title means.

To sum up, our Aberdeen City plan is inclusive (unless you are an endangered species, fox, gull chick or deer), and your opinion counts. Tell the Council what you’d like it to do with its consultation. And its trees for every citizen.

Community Signature: noun – a positive outreach project which makes people in Torry feel a great sense of community.

People colour code triangles on a piece of paper. A valuable (£25,000 at my last count some years ago) exercise which isn’t in the least bit preposterous or patronising.

Let’s start defining this wonderful initiative by visiting its description on the City Council’s web page:-

“So what is a Community Signature?

“The Community Signature is a picture of the community. It’s built up by people sharing their views on what Torry is like as a place to live and work. The discussion’s really important because we all have lots of different views and experiences. The group also colour in a grid with green, yellow or red to reflect what works (community strength), where there is room for improvement (community opportunity) and what does not work at present (community barrier)”.

As you can see, nothing patronising there at all. The police, the city (that’s you and me as taxpayers), and the Foyer have spent tens of thousands of pounds on this colouring-in exercise. Not that we would have spent the money on saving the Tullos Hill Deer, had we been given any choice.

Once a Torry quine or loon has used a few coloured pencils, they are part of the community, are involved, and get a warm, fuzzy feeling. The fuzzy feeling may be a symptom from the logic employed by this scheme. But I don’t want to ruin the experience for you.

Get yourself some paper and coloured pens. Make some triangles – green for strengths the Council has, Yellow for what’s not quite great, and red for what is completely beyond the pale of what any reasonable, rational person should put up with. On second thoughts, just get yourself a green pen. Draw a few triangles. Talk about your feelings. That’ll be £25,000 please.

There is a newsletter, too. Value for money indeed. It reminds me of the guy in the States who’s made a small fortune from the Rapture – he took money to look after your pet dog or cat once you’d floated up to the clouds. Very creative and enterprising indeed – and not at all a rip-off.  I offer a similar service to anyone who’s going to be drinking flaming mojitos on the lake of fire instead of going to the pearly gates.

That’s all I can cope with. I’m going to get some green pens, start drawing triangles, and then read nearly 80 pages of the Open Spaces consultation. Definitely time to leave Brewdog tonight – there is a giant Stoat behind the bar that says it’s his birthday. Perhaps the Council has some policy covering stoats – Ms Malone should be told.

Next week (unless Rapture happens) – appeasing volcano gods, register of interests, and conflict of interests.

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 35 – Prize Quiz Special

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 122011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah, thrown by the absence of interesting local news this week, takes us on a humorous diversion and challenges our grasp of local knowledge.

dictionary
Not much going on in the Granite City this week.   There is the lovely new £120,000 statue of Robert the Bruce for openers; I have seen people gasping at awe at this wonder.

Some old Lib Dem was found guilty of hanging about in a dodgy part of town at night, apparently looking after the well-being of his younger constituents.
Then again, perhaps he was only after some votes or help with his polI.   There was also something about a deer cull, but I can’t recall what it was.  Doubtless the Council have everything in hand.

Perhaps it’s time for a bit of humour, and so here is the first (and maybe last) Old Susannah News Quiz.  The first correct entry drawn out of a hat wins a coffee date with Aileen Malone (to be confirmed), or failing that, I will plant a tree in my garden in the winner’s name.   Or buy you a Brewdog (proof of age required.  Drinking to excess can cause health problems and leave you looking like some of our councillors.  Don’t vote on important issues while drinking).

Good luck.  Actually – good luck to us all.

 

Question 1: Billionaire Sir Ian Wood had his photo in the Evening Express this week on the occasion of having been put on the UK’s rich list.  He posed in front of a verdant green background ablaze with red flowers, against a dramatic Aberdeen city centre skyline.  Where was this eyesore, and what should become of it?

Question 2: Match the cartoon character in Aberdeen with their fictional counterpart

a.  Dolores Umbridge – in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter novels Umbridge is described as short, squat, looking like a toad, and is often wearing pink sweaters (in an attempt to look a bit feminine).  She has iron-coloured curls, and works for the Government.  She is more often than not hurting the vulnerable and abusing her government office.  She wants to dominate everyone around her, and is a supporter of the forces of evil.

b.  Boss Hogg –  from the Dukes of Hazzard TV series and movie, this jumped up little man has his finger in every pie.  Greedy, scheming, unethical, always trying to own everything in the county.  Folically challenged, Boss Hogg often wore silly things on his head to disguise his baldness.  This short-of-stature villain was also short on morals and treated the police as his paid flunkies.

c.   Cruella deVil – a coarse, cruel, scheming woman out to destroy innocent creatures for her own strange fulfilment.  Willing to stop at nothing to achieve her bloody ends.  Frightening to children of all ages.

d.  Father Ted – who can forget grey-haired Father Ted and the rest of Craggy Island’s inhabitants?  Father Ted, for all his scheming and quests for money, was always caught with his hand in the kitty, and was forever forced to explain financial conundrums.  “The money was only resting in my account” was his frequent catchphrase.

Fictional figures:

A.  Former Councillor Scott Cassie – he and his wife are helping police with their enquiries about a wee bit of missing money.  This didn’t stop Cassie from voting on some crucial recent issues (I seem to think I saw him at the Loirston Loch hearing).  Alas, he will no longer have a street named after him.  However, there is a rumour that one of the Cayman Island Banks now offers a ‘Scott Cassie Emergency Fund’ account.

B.  Millionaire Propety Typhoon Stewart Milne – loads of money, just not enough to spend on improving AFC’s team or – heaven forfend – to solve the deer cull crisis at one go.  Good at buying property at less than market value from our ever-vigilant City Council.  Value for Money indeed.

C.  The Nation’s sweetheart Aileen ‘Ho’Malone – Who can forget her brave stance on the deer cull issue?  She alone was not afraid to stifle Nigg Community Council (and yours truly) from speaking this week before the Committee she convenes decided to shoot the deer.  She is all hart, and with her doe-eyed stare, her inner compassion and honesty shine through.  I wonder if she has any fur coats?

D.  Go-getting Kate Dean – Planning supremo.  What can I say about this woman that hasn’t already been said (or that would pass the censors)?  ‘I was elected to do a job, and I’m going to do it’ was her rallying-cry during the cuts protests.  When she is going to start doing what she was elected to do (or resign) is anyone’s guess.

Question 3: What percentage of £50,000,000 (the sum Sir Ian promises for his Union Terrace Garden parking lot) would £225,000 (the sum demanded not to shoot the Tullos Hill Roe deer) represent?  Is it:  a. 10%,   b. 1%,  c. .5%  or  d.  0.5%?

Question 4: Which is an endangered species:  The Tullos Hill Roe Deer or the Liberal Democrats, which were so badly wounded in the recent election.  Deer, Dems – or both?

Question 5: Tiebreaker (answer question of your choice):  How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?  Why did the LibDem cross the road?

 

I trust you will all forgive me (or maybe you’re glad) that I am putting in a shorter than usual piece this week.  I’ve been busy fighting the forces of evil, and in pursuing a Freedom of Information appeal, which may yet prove very interesting.  Can’t say more than that yet.

But I can say thank you to those people in the media (Danny Law especially), all the campaigners (you know who you are), and the four brave  councillors who stood up for the deer.  One thing I will say is that the issue will not, despite HoMalone’s wishes, go away.

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 30 – Six Month Review

 Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Apr 072011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over the events of the last 6 months and the stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

dictionary
As there are so few interesting local, national or international developments in the news lately, (earthquakes, wars, radiation, armed robberies, Aberdeen Council wheeling and dealing notwithstanding), this looks like a good time to look back at some of the terms and issues covered in Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner over the last six months.
The column looked at Change Managers, Continuous Improvement, Climate Change and Dangerous dog owners and dogfights.  What has happened to the heroes, villains, good, bad and the ugly?  Well, let’s see…

Animal Crackers

Let’s Go Clubbing:
Cast your mind back – do you remember Donald Forbes, golfer and fox batterer extraordinaire?  What’s become of him?  First he told us he had clubbed the fox (which was later found in such a horrible state it had to be put down, to the disgust of 99.95% of the members of Forbes’ golf club).

Then Forbes said he was in ‘mortal danger’ from the fox and therefore swung his club near the fox, but did not hit it.  How this tame, well-known fox was going to harm Forbes other than stealing a sandwich from him remains unclear. How the fox was injured fatally also remains a mystery, as Forbes says he did not do it.

Sources tell me Forbes will soon have his day in Court – keep your eyes on the Aberdeen court circular during the month of April.  Truth will out.  Maybe.

Licensed to maim:
Like-minded animal lover, top oilman, and gunslinger Mr Mervyn New, you will remember, took his gun to work and quite rightly shot some horrid gull chicks that had the nerve to be in a nest near him.  One bird was dead outright, the other suffered in agony until the SSPCA could have it put down.

Maybe we should all bring guns to work?  On the plus side I bet Mr New looks quite macho with a gun.  It would be cruel to suggest he might have a complex against his parents for naming him ‘Mervin’ so I shall say nothing on that subject.  My emails to his local and head office have gone unanswered or have been returned marked ‘delivery failure’.  It is almost as if Marine Subsea UK do not want to set the record straight or answer any questions on their guns-at-work policy.  Maybe some of you readers can get an answer out of them.  I will try again when I have made progress on…

…The Tullos Hill Roe Deer:
In a style that would make Highwayman robber Dick Turpin blush, the City have told animal lovers to pay up £225k by 10 May, or the deer get shot. It was all most democratic; they voted on it, except they did not bother to mention the cull to the citizens. Scottish Natural Heritage point out unwillingly  (see articles elsewhere in the Voice) that alternatives to gunning the deer down do exist.  During this ongoing saga

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them

Cllr Aileen Malone proved she could not count; she announced that ‘about one’ person in Aberdeen wrote to her against the cull.  She later apologised for this understandable mathematical error – but I do not believe her apology was as public as her P&J statement about there only being ‘about one’ objector.  I can however say that at least 500 people have signed various petitions and that is a conservative figure (like me).

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them.  Nevertheless, at the next possible election, there will most definitely be a cull of Councillors.

The Council had handled the proposed tree planting in its time-honoured way; it held a consultation.

Democracy Inaction

Consultation:
That’s right – the City asked us mere citizen taxpayers what we thought of the tree planting on its lovely website, and gave us until the end of this past January to comment.  Just because the City forgot to mention the cull is no reason for the consultation not to be valid, after all, without consultation we would not have our design competition coming up for…

…Union Terrace Gardens:
Back at the time how exciting it was – ACSEF were visiting shopping malls and businesses, giving   presentations on a wonderful new way of re-imaging the gardens – turning them into a concrete slab with underground parking.   Despite producing a brochure (costing about £300k of our money), which showed exactly that type of outcome – large squares of concrete, one or two tiny trees in planters, and happy people walking around in nice weather, the public vote was against it.

Who would have guessed that the public simply did not understand how important this was to Ian Wood’s future, sorry – to our economic prosperity. So, we will get a design competition instead. Someone already got money earmarked for the rival, earlier, clearer, subtler Peacock plan – money which was intended to be used by Peacock.

I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections

No one knows anything about how the money was approved for expenditure; no one knows what goes on inside ACSEF (the online minutes do not give any history or details on this saga worth having).  And the worst part is, people have actually organised to protest against having shops and parking.

How else will Stewart Milne’s lovely plans for Triple Kirks work?  Answers on a postcard please.

The Press & Journal on 6th April continued a welcome new trend – they are questioning the handling of the UTG situation in an excellent editorial well worth reading.

Public Image:
In a past Old Susannah Dictionary Corner, I was heartened to hear that Kate was going to get an image and publicity makeover by the LibDem team who gave the world Nick Clegg.  Here we are about three months later, and I think the results speak for themselves. What do you think of the new Kate?  I think the results of Nick’s influence speak for themselves.

Kate’s complaint at the time was that people always complain when things are going bad, but they never compliment the City Council when things are going well.  I asked readers for examples of things that went well, but have received not so much as a line.

Coalition:
You might remember some months back when I was worried about our local LibDem / SNP Coalition arguing about how many Council jobs to cut.  Nine hundred with no consultation?  Six Hundred?  Ask for ideas?  Cut nothing and then keep quiet?  Those must have been exciting times for the staff at St Nick’s.  I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections. I hope nothing will interfere with how things are working here. In fact, soon all will be perfect, once everyone moves into…

…Marischal  College:

In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space

Charities are short of funding, schools are closing, and elderly and vulnerable people are at risk from a host of problems. No matter:  we saved Marischal College. The Council told us that they will not  disclose what the alternatives were or what they would have cost – it is copyrighted so they claim.  We saved Marischal by gutting it entirely, throwing Victorian books into a skip (I have a source who confirms this), and we’re putting in brand new furniture.  £60 to 80 million well spent I say.

Loirston Loch – a nice place for a game of football:
Despite lack of consultation with the relevant local Councils, little support from Football fans, and opposition from local residents, follically-challenged Stewart Milne (of ACSEF and AFC fame) got the green light to build a red-light stadium in the Greenbelt land of Loirston.

Scottish Natural Heritage weren’t bothered (despite SAC land status, protected species and RSPB objection); Brian Adam MSP was ecstatic, and Richard Baker MSP was ignored.

Kate Dean was the impartial convener of a marathon hearing on the matter, which was always going to end favourably.  In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space.  If there has not been too much dialogue at present, it is because of the massive legal points being researched prior to the battle royale.

Conclusion – A Brighter Outlook:
The most important thing to remember when considering the recent past is that we now all have A Brighter Outlook.  I know this, because the City Council put it in their literature.  It is an ACSEF slogan, it is how the City does business, it is all brighter.  After all, how much darker can things possibly get?

Next week:
Since ACSEF benefited so much from its new logo and ‘A Brighter Outlook’ slogan, Old Susannah is getting a makeover.  I do not know exactly what to expect and what the Voice editors have in mind, I just hope I will come out looking as cool, modern and with it as ACSEF does.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the very nice/interesting/excellent e-mails and comments.

Old Susannah No.28 – A Year Half Full? – Or Half Empty?

 Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on Old Susannah No.28 – A Year Half Full? – Or Half Empty?
Mar 252011
 

Happy 9-month birthday to Aberdeen Voice!  And Old Susannah’s column has now been running for 6 months.

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I was having a quick lemonade with Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Freditor-in-Chief’ as I call him) and he explained how the Voice was born.  He was talking to friends, and they were discussing whether it was possible to create as great, impartial, investigative and intelligent a newspaper as the ones we already have in Aberdeen, and they decided to give it a go.

Nine months later, there are dozens of contributors and thousands of readers – but no advertisers the Voice is beholden to.

There are three things I particularly love about the Voice itself.

  • The first is that absolutely anyone who has something reasonable and coherent to say is welcome to submit an article.
  • The second is the stories the Voice has broken.  For instance, when Trump’s organisation explained to the world’s media that they never considered the use of compulsory purchase orders at Menie, Voice  published an excellent article proving this simply was not the case.

When Councillor Malone told the Press & Journal that only ‘about one’ Aberdeen resident contacted her objecting to the deer cull, the Voice’s readers sent in proof to the contrary in spades.  And while the Union Terrace Gardens situation gets murkier and more confusing by the minute, the Voice breaks important developments that that are not covered in other local press publications….. for some reason.

  • The Third great thing about Aberdeen Voice to me is the growing number of readers that are getting involved.  People are writing in to the  Voice for more information, contacting their elected officials on matters featured in the Voice, and are writing to Voice contributors with important leads, comments and very kind words of encouragement.

Then there are the people who make the Voice a reality.  First there is Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Dave’ or ‘Wilkinson’ as Councillor Malone calls him), the editor-in-chief.  He has two teenage children, his band, and a host of other projects and yet he finds the time to bring all the contributions together, chase down delinquent sub editors and bring together edition after edition for publication on time, every week.

Mike Shepherd and Sarah-Jane Duffus are two of the leading Union Terrace Gardens writers and activists. Their energy and dedication to saving the city’s only centre park, not to mention probably the most valuable, irreplaceable and beautiful city centre civic asset in Aberdeen, is admirable.  It is no wonder that they have ACSEF worried and complaining publicly that the UTG Friends are ‘organised’. They bloody well are.

Rob is the Aberdeen Voice ‘tech guy’ who has a dozen or so of his own projects going, yet can show up to take amazingly high quality photos  on breaking stories with lightning speed.

I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people

He has the patience of several saints and continuously improves the technology behind the Voice; its growing readership has meant lots of work for Rob – who also has to try and get me up to speed with technical developments – not an easy task.

I also owe a debt of thanks to Rhonda Reekie, who writes on a variety of subjects.  Some six months ago she contacted me and wondered if I’d like to consider writing something for the Voice.  Well, six months on and I really must thank the Council and the Big business interests for continuously generating material to write about.  I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people and this much-needed and much-enjoyed electronic newspaper which is Aberdeen Voice.  Thanks.

I was sick for two weeks, during which the world has become overcome with problems from Libya to Japan.  Closer to home, the Scottish Parliament decides not to call in the Loirston Loch stadium plan (as one fellow objector put it, ‘I am surprised they had time to open the envelope, let alone weigh up the issues.”).

One minute we are to kill deer, then no, then yes. To make matters worse, it looks like Stewart Milne homes are losing money, as young would-be purchasers are having their mortgage applications rejected – home sales in the Milne Group may be down as much as 20%.  No wonder the poor man wants to increase parking costs at Pittodrie.  It’s more than Old Susannah can keep up with.

I was, however, very pleased when I heard about the lorry-load of cement that was dumped on Aberdeen’s roads; I thought it was a great way to fill in some of the potholes.  Sad to say, it turned out that this was a mistake, and not a cunning plan by our Council (well, it did sound like the kind of thing they might do).  When I finally got out of my sickbed, I was shocked to find that a pothole on Victoria Road had been filled in.

If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

This was also a bit sad for the locals, as we’d been planning on stocking this particular hole with trout.  The material filling the hole doesn’t appear to have been ‘tamped down’ at all, and it is of a completely different material than either the road or all the other patches.  I have every confidence it will last as long as the other road mends have done.  I give it two weeks.

Tuesday was busy – first it was the excellent Mark Edwards ‘Hard Rain’ exhibition and presentation at Aberdeen University. I fully recommend a visit to see the work which will be up for a month.  Immediately afterwards I raced to Peacock Visual Arts which hosted ‘Run Down Aberdeen’ – another excellent film by Fraser Denholm and Mike Shepherd.  I missed the film – which you can now get online – but was entertained by the panel discussion featuring Fraser, Councillors Martin Greig, Kevin Stewart, and Lewis MacDonald MSP.

The gallery was packed, including the area just outside the gallery.  I did get a chance to ask if there was any connection between Stewart Milne’s Triple Kirks plan and the desire to turn our Victorian garden into a parking lot.  I didn’t exactly get an answer.

Right, time to define some of the terms arising of late.  Apologies for the long intro.

Census (noun) A polling of individuals and householders, usually undertaking by governments, in order to aid future planning.

We are currently all receiving our Census forms, which must be returned by 27 March.  No doubt the post office will provide its usual swift service and not a single form will be lost.  If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question

But you will, of course, want to reveal to the government every detail of your life, family, health, finances etc.  That’s how they keep giving us the great, forward-thinking services enjoyed today by the elderly, people with special needs, school children and the poor.  The number of bathrooms in your house is crucial to these calculations.

(Naturally all details will be kept strictly confidential – unlike all of the past instances of confidential information being left on trains, leaked or lost).

Aberdeen couldn’t be the great place it is if 10 years ago people hadn’t done their census forms.  It is just unfortunate that we’re closing our schools down while at the same time building new ‘affordable homes*’ on every patch of green that still exists.  I guess the Census back then must have said our population would quadruple.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question.  This is unfair discrimination against Jedi Knights, and just goes to prove that the dark side of the force is in control in Scotland.  Any resemblance between Ms Dean and an Imperial Storm Trooper (or one of those furry muppet alien squeaky things) might be more than coincidental.  May the Farce be with you – get those Census forms in.

*Affordable Housing (noun) dwelling places priced lower than fair market value, intended to benefit people with low incomes.

Are you a multimillionaire feeling the pinch?  Need to build some luxury des-res homes in the greenbelt (where there is no VAT to pay on the land) in a hurry and cheaply?  Need to convince those sceptical, uncooperative, incisive Councillors that new housing should be built rather than old buildings converted?  Well then, ‘affordable housing ‘ is your ticket to your next few million.

The local authorities will always give you planning permission anyway, but the phrase ‘affordable housing’ is music to their ears:  it will help them to justify the approval to build your unique, individualistic, state-of-the art homes where endangered species currently roam unchecked.

You’ll probably get a tax break for building ‘affordable homes’ as well.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel

What happens is this:  your development goes up, and you build say 2 to 4 ‘affordable homes .  The press tells the world what a great guy you are, and announces the date for the homes to be sold.  People then queue up on site to buy these bargains for days in advance of the sale.  The first few people get the homes, and move in to spend many happy years living in a luxurious new development.

None of these buyers will instantly sell their bargain property for a massive profit – that would be morally wrong and would defeat the purpose of ‘affordable housing’ in the first place.

Budget (noun) a set list of rules for fiscal expenditure.

In the UK the budget is set by established financial wizard and genius, George Osborne.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel. People can now fill their tanks for about 17p less than before.  What will you do with your 17p?  You could put it towards the cost of a drink, but it won’t  pay for the increased cost of your cigarettes (which you should really quit anyway – unless you’re immortal and super-rich).

The ‘coalition’ government was no doubt left with a huge mess to clean up, and bombing Libya will no doubt go a long way to helping us get back on our feet.  Or something.  We did after all sell Libya all those finely crafted, UK made handcuffs, riot gear, clubs and shackles – time to capitalise on the investment.

By bombing them, we’re making more money for UK Defence Contractors.  Result!

The old joke was ‘A capitalist is someone who will sell you the rope they are going to hang you with’.  The Libya situation is an interesting take on this sentiment. Clearly nothing is more important than British Jobs – and the idea of weapons large and small no longer being made in the UK is too much to bear.

The North Sea Oil industry will be stumping up an extra few pence in tax, and George Osborne has promised to close some of the tax loopholes exploited by the rich for decades.  I just hope none of our important, famous multi-millionaires are troubled by this budget.  Somehow, I doubt they will be.

Next week – more definitions and a look back at some of the Old Susannah outstanding issues

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