Brewdog Archives - Page 2 of 2

BrewDog AGM 2013: Local Heroes

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion 6 Responses »

Jul 052013

BrewDog’s annual general meeting on Saturday 22 June in the AECC came on the heels of a new share offering, impressive financials, and yet more awards; Aberdeen Voice contributor and card-carrying BrewDog shareholder Suzanne Kelly and Voice photographer Julie Thompson were on the spot.

A very sombre AGM was held in north Aberdeen fairly recently. The men at the helm of the business in question visibly squirmed as they addressed a small number of unmoved shareholders about their 2012 failures and shattered plans. In a speech peppered with jargon, the board spoke of ‘customer-facing businesses’ and so on, knowing they had turned in yet another poor year’s performance.

Following the gloomy AGM, the press called the business ‘down in the dumps.’ The controversial management continues to ignore calls for its resignation, despite a catalogue of failures, and investors have little to look forward to in the foreseeable future.

Thankfully, I’m not an Aberdeen Football Club shareholder.

No, I attended my second BrewDog AGM at the AECC, which was more like a party with a few hours devoted to business matters, and very successful business matters at that. What a swell party (well, AGM) it was:

There is nothing like a BrewDog AGM, yet six years ago, you would have found BrewDog’s founders James Watt and Martin Dickie flogging small quantities of their beer at the Aberdeen Farmer’s market on Belmont Street. Times have changed.

Hundreds of fellow shareholders from across the world (Belgium, France, Germany, Singapore) converged on the AECC to celebrate all things BrewDog. Representing all ages, sexes shapes and sizes, BrewDog shareholders and their guests settled down to the serious business of drinking beer, talking beer, thinking beer and of course tasting beer.

The attendees also enjoyed great bands, great food, a wide range of discounted merchandise and beer, and they found time to address a little bit of financial business, too.

BrewDog’s AGM mirrors the company in many ways. Both are growing bigger and better every year. Both put a high premium on engaging with the public, and do so with a huge degree of success which professional PR moguls only wish they could bottle and sell.

In terms of bottling and selling, BrewDog is now Britain’s fastest-growing food and drink brand. Not bad. The company are serious about beer and the business of beer, and here are some facts and figures which show how that seriousness is made manifest:-

BrewDog has achieved an average annual growth of 167 per cent over the past five years and the company is valued at over three times the value it was given during the last Equity for Punks scheme in 2011.

The company made 42,000 shares available to anyone to buy at £95 each, ignoring traditional methods of funding to support its continued rapid growth. The brewery plans to use the funds raised to further expand its new brewery, its burgeoning bar division and a new series of bottle shops across the UK.

BrewDog now hires 187 staff and is on track to turnover £20m in 2013.
BrewDog’s biggest success in the past year has been the growth of its bar division, opening 12 bars since 2010 – largely funded by Equity for Punks investment – including its first international location in Stockholm, Sweden.

There is much to look forward to; the team have been taping a programme in America. They’ve won yet more awards for business performance; they plan more expansion and a visitors’ shop.

Seeing as how they sold £1 million worth of shares of the new offering in 24 hours, another bumper year is
expected.

Can world domination be far off?

Looking at how this company started, how it deals with its staff, investors and the beer-drinking public, I wouldn’t be surprised. This is the space to watch.

I’m not telling anyone to invest in anything; I’m just proud to be part of a local success story that’s employing people and reintroducing the world to chemical-free, innovative, tasty beer. And why not?

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Old Susannah’s Journal No 124 – The Shame Of It

Articles 17 Responses »

Jun 212013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! Summer time and the living is vibrant and dynamic. Race for Life takes place in a fortnight; Duthie Park will reopen in style on the 30th; Willows is holding an open day on the 22nd, the Portsoy Boat Festival runs all this coming weekend, and much more is going on.

As soon as time permits, I’ll write about the RGU degree show held last Friday. Visitors and staff alike were impressed at the quality of the work.

With the BrewDog Annual General Meeting days away, I can barely concentrate for excitement.

They are also releasing more shares, and no doubt my purchase of another two shares will throw my moralistic critics into a tailspin.

Not only that, but I have accepted my first ever ever gift from someone I’m writing about.

The piece should be in today’s Aberdeen Voice, and I am sure it will do as much to restore your faith in our police as it has done for me.

Anyway I initially refused the gift, but not wanting to upset my contact, I acquiesced and accepted it. Readers will have to decide on their own how corrupt this makes me and how biased and obligated to my source I am. I have accepted, as a gift for writing about something, a tiny piece of macaroon, and an (unopened) packet of popping candy.

I intend to share this at the Aberdeen Voice anniversary party; more on that eventually from our editor, Fred.

Suffice it to say Aberdeen Voice is now virtually 3 years old. I shall wait by my mailbox for congratulatory letters and telegrams from old and new friends, from Neil Fletcher and Kate Dean to Stewart Milne and Donald Trump. I keep trying to convince editor Fred Wilkinson to either marry one of the Trump children or open an erotic publishing arm to boost our standing and income, but he seems a little less than keen.

So Alas! We won’t be in the same league as Aberdeen Journals anytime soon. Still, I live in hope.

My BrewDog and journalistic freebies euphoria as been tempered by the surprise announcement that Aberdeen did not get further with its City of Culture bid.

You’ll never guess the suspected reason, so astutely pointed out in unbiased fashion by the 20 June Press & Journal. They are 100% certain we’d have won this prestigious award if only we’d built a granite web over Union Terrace Gardens. I’m sure the culture judges simply didn’t do their homework. I just hope they didn’t get distracted by our little hiccoughs regarding culture.

we shot our 70 year old herd of harmless roe deer, bulldozed their meadow

Did they care that we allowed the Foyer to close? It provided structure and support to young people with problems while allowing established and fledgling artists to show their work with openings attended by many sections of Aberdeen society.

Did the culture judges care that in a town of billionaires and multi-millionaires no one would rescue – for a mere £5k – Limousine Bull? Bull provided affordable studio spaces in Torry for new artists, held art classes, ran exhibitions, and improved the cultural life in Torry.

Did the judges care that while ‘transforming’ Aberdeen we shot our 70 year old herd of harmless roe deer, bulldozed their meadow which was home to many species and turned it back into a barren rubbish tip, studded with saplings destined to die? Did they care about how we closed services to young, old and people with special needs and abilities?

Of course not – like the rest of the world, they wanted us to borrow £90 million, rip out the only city centre green space without tombstones on it, and build a bunch of ramps that went up and down. And that’s why we lost. I hope you feel as ashamed as I do.

This devastating loss of a prestigious award, which saw giant spiders in the streets of Liverpool costing only a million pounds or so is crushing. Still, we live on.

Thankfully we are being castigated over the loss by arbiters of good taste, John Prescott and the Press and Journal.

Some folks suspect the P&J had a vested interest in supporting their advertisers’ granite web dream project. Others still think the P&J and its sister the Evening Express contrived in subtle ways to gently, subliminally convince the public the web was the answer to our prayers, but I can’t find any examples of any such behaviour.

Where did our culture bid go wrong? We had a guy painting himself different colours and sitting in the window of an independent record store that couldn’t afford to keep going. We took web saleswoman Rita Stephen and put her in charge, ostensibly because she knows how to sell things like, er, the idea of a web.

John Prescott wants Barney Crockett to be ashamed

We have missed our one and only chance to be a city with webs that people want to live close to. As the P&J suggests, we should ‘Hang Our Heads In Shame’.

And on that note some definitions.

Shameless: (Eng. adjective) to fail to, or refuse to acknowledge or display remorse, guilt or regret when conditions merit it.

When our betters tell us to be filled with shame, we would do well to obey. When our conscience tells us we have done wrong, we should admit it and show remorse.

The Press & Journal want us to be ashamed for not building the web. John Prescott wants Barney Crockett to be ashamed – Crockett suggested Aberdeen was edged out of the all-important Culture contest in part for being a rich city compared to the other contenders.

Who should know more about shame than Prezza and the Prezza and Journal?

Prescott, when not confessing his infidelities with his secretary, doing television programmes about ‘class’ and beating egg-throwing protestors, seems to have a new string to his bow – criticising his own party members. As to the affair, his wife Pauline decided to stand by him after he admitted two years of cheating with one of his secretaries (which was OK, because it wasn’t love, so that’s all right).

Pauline Prescott stayed with her husband for the sake of the book, which earned a few pennies here and there.

It recounts John’s romantic marriage proposal (to the wife, not the secretary), which was delivered in a train toilet (hopefully one of those larger train toilets rather than the small ones). So if anyone is qualified to tell Crockett and the web-resisters they should be ashamed, then it is Prezza.

Quite what the City of Culture judges saw in Dundee is a mystery

Also without sin and eager to cast stones is our own Press & Journal. By now Old Susannah readers know about the cosy relationship between its editor Damian Bates and Sarah Malone Bates, face of Trump golf in Scotland.

Bates’ faultless love life conduct and professional bearing dictate the editorial policy that allows him to use the P&J to tell us to be ashamed. And that, as they say is a Result.

Quite what the City of Culture judges saw in Dundee is a mystery – they have an arts centre with programmes for all ages to create, discuss and view art, socialise and engage with each other. They have embraced their old buildings and, in Brownfield sites created new spaces for the arts.

They have turned their waterfront not into an extended industrial harbour as is proposed for Torry’s remaining unspoilt coast, but instead created a pleasant, social meandering walk from restaurants and bars to historic sailing ships. (If you haven’t visited the Unicorn or the Discovery, I recommend you do so).

Their shops are in part filled with small designers and local merchants who can afford the rates. They must have bribed the judges. And not a web in sight.

I can think of one other cultural crack in our granite culture bid. That is our disappointing crime culture. The guilty know who they are – because the police shamed them in the P&J issue of 18 June.

Guilt: (Eng. Noun) responsibility, culpability for an event, problem or issue.

This car crime that plagues Aberdeen – the police know who’s behind it, and they’re doing something about it. No, they’re not re-establishing the Facebook page ‘Aberdeen Stig Boy Racers’. You may recall this website which operated under the watchful eye of our police – over 400 people bragged about / supported/ joked about car theft, including posting ‘how to’ schematics.

Of course this was in no way a problem; the police never criticised it at all. Perhaps they were using it as a handy way to detect crime.

It’s not the thieves who are at fault

Some might think preventing crime by having police doing the rounds, or by not allowing people to glamourise crime might have been a better idea, but there you go.

These Stig theft fans were only engaging in harmless banter. The real culprits should hang their heads in shame. According to the P&J 18 June:-

“Police blame careless owners for car thefts.’

Yes that’s right. Those selfish, greedy, careless people who don’t lock their cars 100% of the time and/or who keep keys in their kitchens or near their front doors are guilty as sin. They’re asking for it.

It’s not the thieves who are at fault; it’s the people who want to think their belongings shouldn’t be stolen from their garages or their homes. Of course in terms of violence against women, the idea that women are ‘asking for it’ has been deemed offensive and inaccurate.

When it comes to car owners though – fair enough for the police to say they bring it on themselves. That is what we call progress.

I’d like to ask everyone who’s ever not locked their car, everyone who keeps keys in their properties which could be seen by a thief innocently casing the joint and pressing their nose to the glass to do the right thing. Turn yourselves in.

You can’t expect the police to be out on patrol everywhere (or indeed anywhere); they have some really dangerous people to deal with. I don’t mean ‘one man crime wave’ Mad Max Milligan who at 17 has stolen over £15k’s worth of goods He had a troubled background, and we need to cut him some slack. I mean the really dangerous people.

Guilty as charged is one hardened criminal, a Mr. X. I won’t name him for fear of reprisals.

He was given a lenient £300 fine for his first offence – although a custodial sentence would have been more appropriate.

I only wish they had cordoned off streets at the time and tasered him.

This man, seemingly a mild-mannered engineering graduate with no criminal record was spotted by eagle-eyed police camera operations at Christmas time walking our city streets with – a small corkscrew.

The offensive weapon, still in its plastic wrappings, was deemed to be an a massive security threat, and worthy of the fine imposed. I only wish they had cordoned off streets at the time and tasered him.

I suppose the guilty party would have got off with a lesser fine, but he invented a ridiculous story, and claimed he won the corkscrew in something called a ‘Christmas cracker’. Ridiculous. If any of you out there are carrying nail files, corkscrews, pointy keys, knitting needles or hair pins turn yourselves in now, you too may get off lightly.

However, if you feel like walking into the £1 shop next to Moulton Brown and buying an air pistol and some pellets, the police are happy for you to do so, as long as you’re over 18 years old and are then obviously completely mature.

I’m just glad to know that somewhere, someone high up in our esteemed police force is deciding who to target, and the judicial branch is responding with appropriate sentences. We can all sleep easier tonight – as long as there is nothing valuable in our kitchens, downstairs rooms or cars.

Next week: more law enforcement news, BrewDog AGM, and more.

Old Susannah No. 101 – Scary Thoughts, Scary Movies

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 312012

Another wonderful week has flown by in Aberdeen, and at this time of year, additional spookiness is in the air. By Suzanne Kelly.

A Sweet Lily Adams cupcakes decorating session produced these holiday favourites; I hope you like.

Old Susannah also had a delicious dinner at La Stella.

Sadly I missed Wildly Unprepared’s Halloween evening at the Belmont, but I’m told it was a scream.

BrewDog launched this year’s ‘Movember’ charity event in aid of combatting men’s illnesses. Please support them if you can, just drop in to find out how. And thanks to Graeme Milne for giving us his Victoria Road ghost story as well.

In the news this week international observers denounced a recent vote as a backward step for democracy, marred by “the abuse of power and the excessive role of money”. For some reason, these observers think that abuse of power and money influenced the Ukraine’s recent vote.

Perhaps next time Aberdeen has a referendum, we should call on their services.

I am worried about ACSEF – if they are keeping their minutes up to date (and they would of course) then they’ve not done anything since 19 June – some four and a half months. I for one am happy to keep paying tens of thousands of pounds to keep them going, meetings or no meetings. However, there is not much time left for them to get in the required two further full meetings before year end.

The elapsed time since 19 June is a lot of time for our best business brains to be thinking of new schemes. Could this coven be concocting anything even more hideous than the granite web? Be afraid, be very afraid. Back in June, they had this to say:-

“ACSEF 5 Year Plan and Scheme of Delegation

“Rita Stephen outlined the progress being made in the development of the updated Economic Action Plan for Aberdeen City and Shire [must have been a short outline – OS]. The Plan has been given the title of “Building on Success” and not “Building on the Future” as stated in the report [An ACSEF report that is inaccurate – this is a first – OS].

“Discussions still ongoing with relevant leads as to the shaping of the actions within the Plan and also with Partners on the drafting of specific pieces of text [this sentence would be more of that ‘transparency we’ve heard so much about – OS].

“The structure of this Plan will follow the previous action plan format but will include more visuals/drawings/impressions etc [excellent – hope it’s the same team that did the granite web’s visuals – I liked the giant floating child in particular – OS]. “

Phew! That’s a load off my mind. If they were planning to build on their future, I’d recommend they get a structural survey done first. Besides, ‘Building on Success’ sounds much safer than building on their future, doesn’t it? I reckon they have slightly more success than they do future. Then again, if they’re going to build on their success, at least they’re planning something not as grand as the granite web, theatre and bosque.

But be warned. If they’re going to build on their success, what form might that take? I kind of think ‘building on your common good land and seizing it by means of a private trust’ would be an apt name; perhaps I’ll suggest it.

Yes, Halloween was Wednesday; many an oddly costumed character has been seen prowling the streets. Grotesque neeps with faces marked with pain, greed and/or anger are rife at this time of year, mostly in Marischal College or the Town House.

Did you know Marischal College has a ghost? Its corridors are said to be haunted by a wild-eyed, frightening spirit of a woman who once briefly worked in the building. She is thought to still haunt the area, hoping one day to return.

A few weeks before Halloween, a very small group of people believed they saw her, this time in front of Marischal. The group was very small indeed (I’m told it was some kind of mini protest), so there is no way to corroborate that particular sighting, which unusually happened during the day. However, there have been no further sightings of ‘The Woman in Leggings’ since that time.

Perhaps her spirit will fade away over time, as occasionally happens in the spirit world.

Time for a seasonal look at some scary movies.

The Haunting: (director Robert Wise, starring Russ Tamblyn, Claire Bloom, Richard Johnson and Julie Harris. 1963)

This black and white movie from the same director who gave us ‘West Side Story’ still has the power to send shivers up your spine. ‘A lame remake with Catherine Zeta Jones can’t hold a ghostly candle to this original.

In it, a team of alleged professionals set off inside a haunted gothic-style house called Marischal College. Their experiments prove costly, particularly on one member of the team who really isn’t the full shilling; she is later forced to depart. The townspeople ‘don’t come nearer than town, no one will come any nearer than that’ afraid of the horror that lurks within. You never really see a ghost, or for that matter all the £60 million that was sunk into the old college – but the plumbing acts up for no reason mysteriously.

Frankenstein: (1931 – Boris Karloff, Colin Clive)

A mad, wealthy, unbalanced power hungry madman rules his small hamlet from his lofty castle called Triple Kirks, but still needs more power and money. He orders his lackeys to assemble the lifeless parts which will be turned into a monster to do his bidding, which he calls ‘ACSEF’.

ACSEF starts humbly enough, doing as its master wishes, but once reaching full power, it begins to run amok, and causes devastation on the town, called ‘Aberdeen.’ While some of the assembled business and public sector parts which are welded into the monster have come from good, the brain was that of a dangerous madman, and it is the brain driving the creature to violence.

The creature does briefly call for our sympathy, it is created by all of society to some degree. However, when its path of destruction proves too much, it must be destroyed, and the townspeople rally. Killing the beast proves difficult, and it does come back in several sequel films. But it is always ultimately destroyed by the power of good.

Poltergeist: (1982, directed by Toby Hooper; written by Steven Spielberg).

A family move to a new housing development, which has been built on former greenbelt land. The real estate developer is all smiles as the family moves into its new suburban, urban sprawl neighbourhood. But things are not as they seem. The electrics don’t work too well.

Funny substances start oozing out of the walls, and the chimney catches fire. The toilets aren’t hooked up properly. In one particularly horrific scene, more than eight people are in the kitchen at one time, and the floor promptly collapses. Not for the faint-hearted, or for those who like to have parties in the kitchen.

Dead of Night: (1945, several directors; based on an HG Wells story).

An architect or perhaps home builder is trapped in a time loop for his past sins such as trying to cheat a city out of money in a land deal. He keeps reliving an evening all over again, where people tell ghastly stories for hours. It is indeed a full council meeting.

One story he is forced to endure concerns a ventriloquist and his youthful dummy. The ventriloquist pulls the strings and works the little puppet, but things slowly go mysteriously wrong. The puppet, which of course should do exactly as the ventriloquist wishes, starts to speak for itself, with some embarrassing consequences for its master. This happens at a BBC debate about a garden.

Eventually the dummy’s antics help to undo his puppet master, who winds up a complete wreck. Was the ventriloquist actually someone with two personalities – one a generous benefactor doing charitable works, and the other a tax-shirking, land-grabbing robber baron? It is up to the viewer to decide.

The Malone Witch Project: A film in which a single-minded, arrogant woman sets out on a vanity project and winds up getting herself and her two misguided pals (played by Leonard and Tallboys) lost in a very hostile environment.

Her initial contempt for the townspeople she briefly speaks to at the beginning of the film comes back to haunt her. In their foolishness they wind up bickering about pointless things, ignoring the dangerous peril their careers and the Lib Dems are in.

In the end, the woods are desecrated; gorse is ploughed up and underneath lies pollution, rock, but no soil. In the end, the innocent are slaughtered. A harrowing film to which Old Susannah is pleased to report there will be no sequel.

Next week: who knows? Happy Halloween!

Old Susannah No. 93 – All that Glitters Is Not Gold

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 2 Responses »

Sep 072012

Voice’s Old Susannah looks at events over yet another vibrant and dynamic week in the ‘Deen. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! I hope everyone’s had another exciting week in Aberdeen.

The Science Festival has kicked off, attracting visitors, scientists and lecturers from around the world.
It is most kind of them to visit Aberdeen– we have a garden that’s not at street level and we don’t have a web – we should be most grateful to them.

We should be grateful to BP as well, which is investing £100 million in the area.

Old Susannah discovered beer cocktails at BrewDog this past week. They are gorgeous, and very enjoyable in these trying times.

I am amazed BrewDog chose to open its brilliant bar and factory in our area when we didn’t go for the granite web. It’s almost as if the gardens were not a factor in their plans.

The more cynical among us wonder: Would businesses really prefer operating here if we were £92 million in debt and had a giant city centre construction zone for at least a year? If you listen to the SNP, some LibDems (funny, HoMalone doesn’t seem to be the charismatic leader we all thought she was) and ACSEF, then the answer is yes.

The petition to ask Sir Ian to spend his wealth to Africa instead of the web is now one week old. Please do visit, read, and hopefully sign at www.gopetition.com/sir-ian-send-your-£50M-to-africa-as-promised No doubt the mainstream press will take the story of this petition up any day now. After all, our local papers wrote about the MASS demonstration planned by pro CGP activists when the figure was around 200. Guess the Wood petition is about to be massive, too.

And massive and genuine thanks to Lush shops throughout Scotland; last weekend they raised hundreds of pounds to benefit Willows Animal Sanctuary.

Finally, Morris the Monkey has a new pal in Si the Seagull, new mascot for AFC. Word has it that the fans are not necessarily impressed by this development, but I’ll wait and hear what Si himself has to say when he starts working for BiG and promoting the web.

On with a few definitions.

Union Terrace Effect: (modern English phrase, attributed to F. Wilkinson) – scheme in which powers that be allow a building, park or structure to decay deliberately, until such time as there is an outcry for a new replacement to be built- which is what the desired outcome was to begin with.

Old Susannah heard this term recently, but can’t think of a single historic building, museum, school, terrace gardens or Tullos Hill that would fit this definition of something left to rot so it could be sold off / developed. If I think of anything, I will let you know.

The Itemiser: (mod Eng noun) a portable particle scanner which can detect microscopic traces of a variety of substances.

We will all be safer soon! Result!

traces of the drug (cocaine) can be found on any bank note

First, we are considering building a giant ‘state of the art’ prison soon – yet another construction job coming our way! Secondly, the police now have a portable scanner which can find particles on a microscopic level of things like cannabis (!) and hard drugs.

They plan to go from bar to bar and search people here and there, for traces of drugs. Anyone who’s been in contact with these substances (except for politicians, the wealthy, successful creative types, celebrities, etc) will be thrown in jail – where tons more drugs and interesting career training opportunities will freely available.

There is just one flaw in this cunning plan of searching citizens for microscopic evidence of crime, and that is this little fact: 90%+ of all paper money in circulation in the United Kingdom has traces of cocaine and/or heroin on it.

Old Susannah can’t begin to imagine how or why that should be – but next time you buy something in a bar, use coins rather than folding money – or it might just be off to jail with you.

The Daily Mail was one of the many news media that reported the presence of drugs on currency; it wrote:-

“A senior analyst at the FSS, the largest provider of forensic services in the UK on behalf of police forces, says traces of the drug (cocaine) can be found on any bank note regardless of its geographical location.

It takes just two weeks for a new note to pick up the drug… “

So to sum up, anyone with traces of drugs on them is either: a) a drug fiend who should be locked up, and/or b) someone who has £5, £10, £20 or £50 pound notes on them. We will all be safer if these types are all locked up.

If anyone’s worried about any bothersome civil rights issues over this type of presumed guilt / mandatory search, infringement of freedom, they could always organise a protest.

Witty Kevin Stewart is making a stir once again.

Except that Gordon McIntosh is proposing to the Council that we get rid of such things as protests, or at best only allow them in the Castlegate, where any crowds can easily be kettled. Thanks, Gordon.

Anyone suggesting his latest report (which also recommends charging groups for holding events in parks as well as banning protests) is over-stepping his remit will be locked up.

King Midas: (ancient Greek mythological figure). Midas was magically transformed so that everything he touched turned to gold.

Witty Kevin Stewart is making a stir once again. Back in the day, he told the people in care homes, schools, Choices, etc. that we all had to be ‘reasonable’. Then he cut their services off and closed their schools.

ACSEF was of course allowed to flourish, city real estate was sold at bargain basement prices, and we wrote off millions of pounds in bad debts. Reasonable indeed.

Kevin had a wonderfully clever sound bite this week, aimed at Aberdeen City Council’s web-rejecters. For the benefit of those who have stopped reading it, the P&J wrote:

“MSP Kevin Stewart claimed the administration had an “inverse Midas touch” hindering future private investment in the city.”

As mentioned before, I guess someone forgot to tell BrewDog, BP and a host of other businesses about the hindering future private investment in the city. But as painful as it is to correct him, I feel I must remind Kev the moral of the Midas story.

King Midas was not a bad man per se; but he loved wealth and lived for gold. So far, so good – if you’re an ACSEF member.

Kevin Stewart forgot part of the legend when making his brilliant comment

As a reward for his kindness to a Satyr, he was granted a wish – he wished that everything he touched would turn to gold. At first very happy to be surrounded by his new wealth, Midas soon learnt that he could not eat, as his food turned to gold. Then he touched his daughter, and she turned to gold as well.

Kevin Stewart forgot part of the legend when making his brilliant comment. Midas realised his folly in thinking gold and wealth was more important than the environment, living creatures and of course his own daughter.

Midas was cured of his lust for gold, and once cured of the Midas Touch too, he retired to the countryside to enjoy nature. It was almost as if something in life was more important than wealth creation. Ultimately, the moral of the Midas tale is that the environment and people are more important than gold. How backward-looking is that?

I’m sure that this ending of the story would horrify our average Chamber of Commerce member, who would gladly have brought their golden daughter to a pawn shop to flog as scrap metal.

In an uncharacteristic slip, neither Kevin nor our local press found time to mention that Kev was on the City Gardens Project Management Board when writing about Labour having the Midas touch in reverse.

Some people might think his connection to the project is relevant to his attack on Labour, but that would just be jumping to the conclusion that a person on a board of a project would want the project to go ahead. (And that would be as silly as assuming someone in a football supporter’s club might be biased towards the football team).

You might expect this service-axing champion of the people to advise fiscal restraint now until we truly got on our feet again. You might even think he’d advise restoring some services ahead of web weaving.

No, Kev would prefer us to borrow £92 million on this real estate speculation which he supported as a board member. (Note – I suppose I should just call it ‘TIF Funding’ like the professional reporters do; if you call it ‘funding’ rather than a ‘loan’, it sounds better and safer, doesn’t it?)

Amnesia: (noun; medical term) forgetfulness; loss of memory.

Isolated pockets of amnesia have hit our business community, press and government.

these ‘industry chiefs’ and our press forgot how rosy things looked earlier this year in a moment of mass forgetfulness.

Kevin forgot to flag up his direct involvement in the CGP project when he criticised Labour for cutting the web. We’re told by ACSEF, pro CGP politicians, the Evening Express and the Press & Journal that the future is all gloom and doom, and no businesses will come here without the web.

They say we’re ‘closed for business’, we’re ‘frightened’, we’re ‘embarrassing’. (It’s not that we’re being environmentally-friendly, economically prudent or aesthetically intelligent – no, we’re in the wrong if we don’t want the golden web).

And yet as recently as February of this year things looked so much better. This is what the Press & Journal had to say back then:-

“Aberdeen is in prime position to help drag the UK economy out of recession, experts revealed today.

“The city has more start-up businesses than anywhere else in Scotland and will suffer fewer public sector job losses than anywhere else in Britain, says a new report.

“Aberdeen was named as one of five cities which Cities Outlook 2012 said was well-placed to aid recovery from the current economic gloom.

“Last night industry chiefs said the Granite City was an ideal location for new firms to flourish.”

I guess that is only true if we have a web though. Either that or these ‘industry chiefs’ and our press forgot how rosy things looked earlier this year in a moment of mass forgetfulness.

We’re also being told by the guardians of accuracy, PriceWaterhouse Cooper that we need to attract 122,000 people to work in Aberdeen’s energy sector in the next ten years. Funny, the £71,000+ they earned from web-related consultancy doesn’t get much of a press mention either – yet more amnesia, I think.

So amnesia-wise – Kevin and the press forgot to mention his involvement with the CGP when he attacked Labour; PwC forgot to mention in the press the money it made over the web so far when supporting it, and the media forgot its reports earlier this year as to what a great future Aberdeen has.

Do I think these people and institutions are possibly dishonest, scheming, colluding, corrupt or greedy? Certainly not – I just think they have selective amnesia.

Additionally, BrewDog and BP forgot that the city cannot survive without the Granite Web when they committed to the area. Yes, amnesia is at epidemic proportions.

And there we shall leave it until next week.

PS very best wishes to Declan Michael Laird for his film premier; have a great time tomorrow night and a good trip back to LA.

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Old Susannah No.76: Election Reflection – A Scream

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 112012

Tally Ho and Long Live the Revolution! Dong Dong…! Things genuinely seem a bit more vibrant, dynamic and forward-looking since the elections. Labour have a majority and the LibDems got the ballot-box cull they had asked for. By Suzanne Kelly.

No I didn’t get in – but I couldn’t have been much happier with the results, although we have one more Malone than I’d hoped for. The candidate list I’d recommended got hundreds of hits in the run-up to polling day, and the results came out pretty much as I’d wanted for the deer, for UTG and for basic transparency in government.

Running was quite an experience and so was the count. There were tired and emotional councillors and would-be councillors, some of who looked as if they’d been to the BrewDog AGM (held at the arena the Saturday before), and hadn’t been home yet.

Frenzied minions ran from computer screen to computer screen for glimpses of spoilt ballots and early result indicators. The most softly-spoken man I’d ever heard was tasked with whispering the results out to the candidates before the official announcement.

I had as much chance of winning Torry/Ferryhill as I did of winning the Grand National, but I was very very touched to have been the first choice for some 91 people. Thank you.

A diminutive rabbit-faced woman in an eye-wateringly lurid, mustard-coloured jacket was looking tired/confused/fearful, a bit like the 22 deer which she’d ordered destroyed on Tullos Hill. (What was with that jacket? Did she have a job as a theatre usher to go to after the count? Was she wearing it for a bet? Was it some new high viz outfit?)

I almost felt sorry for her as the members of her little herd were culled one by one by the voters and each loss was reflected in her doe-like eyes. But I wasn’t.

Speaking of culls, newspapers accuse the Government and landowners of secretly planning a beaver cull in the Scottish countryside (what’s left of it). Surely the transparent, non-political, scientific body that is Scottish Natural Heritage would not help secretly destroy wildlife? Must be a mistake.

In some parts of Tayside beavers were reintroduced, and others escaped into the wild and have bred for generations, and are now wild as well. Still, some clever clipboard-holder somewhere is thinking about taking some of them back from the wild now or culling them (beavers build dams you see – something the SNH could not have anticipated). SNH – Where would nature be without it?

If you are interested in beavers about to be persecuted by some ambitious SNH pencil-pusher, contact Louise Ramsay of the Scottish Wild Beaver Group.

Elsewhere in the news Eduard Munch’s famous painting ‘The Scream’ sold for £120 million. For only £20 million more you could destroy a Victorian garden and get a granite web, if you’re interested.

I was struck by how closely it resembled some of the ex-councillors at the count, and a few of the hopefuls when they learnt they didn’t get in this time. It is also quite a futuristic painting – it looks to me like a terrified person running away from a giant granite web.

The Cults, Bieldside, Miltimber online newspaper is a simple, straightforward, informative means by which area residents keep up on the latest news. It became however, the point of attack for Stewart Milne’s legal rottweilers. Why you may ask?

This little newsletter had repeated the (widely-circulated) rumour that Stewart Milne and family were going to depart their big house on the hill and have it turned into a hotel. The ordinary Tom, Dick or Stewart might simply have dropped an email to the editor to say the rumour wasn’t true, but not Stewart Milne. Nothing short of legal representatives contacting the newsletter would do – it was SERIOUS you see.

Munch’s ‘The Scream’ also resembles the area residents’ faces when they learned Milne wasn’t leaving. Allegedly. I’d best not mention the rumours around the ‘heated driveway’ or the destruction of a listed home for Milne’s ‘eco-friendly’ house, or I’ll have the lawyers onto me, too – so I won’t. And as far as any stories about liquidity problems, well, you won’t hear about them from me.

But at this rate there won’t be time for any definitions, so here we go.

Spoilt Ballot: (noun) Eng. 1. Voting slip or card which has been defaced or incorrectly marked so as to make it void. 2. Voting slip or card which has been marked to elect a Liberal Democrat.

Well, possibly one of the best laughs of the count was watching computer screens which displayed the spoilt ballot papers. The voting system might be less than simple in terms of tactics and strategy, but in the end all you had to do was put a number one for your first choice, a number two for your second choice and so on – for as many or as few candidates as you wanted. Simples.

The spoilt papers made everyone laugh. There was someone who’d written their life story on their slip, and another person livened the proceedings up with little smiley faces. Unbelievably, neither slip could be counted.

Then we had someone who wrote number 12 next to each of the ten candidates in their ward. Perhaps it was a good attempt at sarcasm; I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Far more sarcastic was the person who chose only one candidate, and gave them a number 26 (out of 14). Other people had four or five choices to be their second choice.

Others used ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs instead of numbers, and some people just could not keep inside those pesky square boxes. Just for the record, the referendum voting instructions did not say anything at all about not making stray marks on the voting form, but the election did. Hmmm.

Fix: (slang, English verb) to alter a genuine election or vote result

I am outraged! Horrorstruck! Shocked! That a blatant fix could have happened in this country, perpetrated by a special interest group to further their own ends. The BBC confirmed it today, and it is now time to take action.

Yes, Spanish drinks giant Diageo fixed the results of the British Institute of Innkeepers award for the ‘Bar Operator of the Year’. This award had been voted to go to BrewDog (and quite rightly so) – but Diageo put the frighteners on the competition organisers, threatening to pull future sponsorship. This is apparently neither a threat nor intimidation nor even sour grapes according to Diageo, who are calling it a “serious misjudgement” on their part.

If you are out there James, Martin and all of the BrewDog crew, award or no, you are assuredly the Best Operator of the Millennium.

The AGM BrewDog held probably made more money than some football clubs or newspapers made all year. On the day, sales of rare, premium top quality beer was sold as fast as could be managed to eagerly queuing crowds; hundreds of cases of beer were sold.

The shareholder meeting was refreshing on several levels – the presentations were riveting, and the premium products we tasted during the meeting were some of the best beers I’ll ever have. It was Beer Heaven on earth. It was international. It was emotional. It was tasty. It was an AGM, but not as we know it.

As to Diageo, well I’d not forgotten how they decided to slaughter the deer which lived on a site they acquired (wholly unnecessary, but as usual, sanctioned by SNH dogma). Coupled with trying to wrest an award away from BrewDog, war has been declared as far as I’m concerned. I’d list all of their products, but that would take ages. Suffice it to say that Diageo brands are off my shopping list forever.

Loss of Office: (English phrase) – to find oneself without employment.

Pity those who had found suitable employment, only to have it taken from them suddenly, abruptly, and with no guidance on a future job or career, leaving them with financial worry, self esteem issues, loss of social contact and insecurity. It is not fair to make people suffer like that.

So my heartfelt sympathies to those of you who suffered in the 2008 budget cuts which saw beneficial programmes such as ‘Can Do Aberdeen’ cut and its employees cut off without a lifeline. (And sympathy also those people who needed and/or worked for many services for the elderly, people with special needs and so on who lost out when a past administration decided to cut you out).

They say that in the end time redresses balance, and what comes around goes around. Perhaps something like just desserts will be served sometime soon.

But I am out of time and space for now. Next week: Summertime special.

Old Susannah No.59 – No Country For Old Men

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 252011

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look at the week that was in Aberdeen and beyond and concludes that this is no country for old men (nor for old women, people with special abilities, school children and infants or animals either).

Old Susannah has been busy this past week. There was an excellent two-day conference at Fyvie Castle. The speakers seemed to believe our heritage, buildings, archaeology and environment are being affected by something they called ‘climate change’. Hard to believe, but some of these speakers think that our weather and climate are changing.

I’ve no idea why they would come to such a conclusion. There was some person from the Met Office (whatever that is), who seems to think a case can be made for climate change because he has statistics that show it’s happening now.

Stranger still, he thinks this climate change might be somehow linked to people burning lots of ‘fossil fuel’. If anyone hears any news about this unlikely story, please let me know.

The general thrust of the conference was that our ancient buildings are under moisture and temperature stresses they’ve not faced before, and many are at risk of actually crumbling. Something called ‘Skara Brae’ in the Orkneys might get washed out to sea before long.

This would not be a huge loss. As far as I can see, it just a bunch of old stones. The site is crying out for a nice high rise building, holiday homes, shops and parking – if not a monolith and a giant glass worm. As to our wildlife, seasons are getting wetter and warmer, affecting growth and breeding cycles. This is no time to be a bird of prey (or any other type of wild creature either. Just don’t mention deer).

Despite the fact these animals are protected, we still have people who poison, shoot, and loot eggs. Mixed with the changing seasons and related change in availability of food, things look rather bad for these creatures.

This two-day course was run at Fyvie Castle by the Scottish Traditional Building Skills Centre, an organisation which trains people (of all abilities) in the skills needed to maintain our historic built heritage. The Traditional Skills people seem to think preserving Scotland’s historic buildings and monuments is a worthwhile thing to do. (If certain local developers have their way, this centre won’t be needed much longer).

Further information is available on their website:
http://www.traditionalskills.com/

We must have skilled craftspeople in future who can ensure the glass worm/teletubbieland, concrete ramps, etc. will remain beautiful, as I’m sure they will be when they are built.

I couldn’t help going away from the conference thinking what I’d do if I had £50 million burning a hole in my pocket. It might involve a little bit of BrewDog, but it would not involve getting rid of listed trees to build a carpark with decorative worm.

It would have been very hard for staff to figure out that this frail woman had a wound so deep you could see her bone

I was glad of the two-day course and its speakers, if for no other reason than there’s not much else going on in the wider world for me to write about this week. I think I heard something about an American policeman offering some protesters a peppery snack treat, and there may be one or two minor problems in Europe and the Middle East.

I also get the feeling that there might be some financial issues concerning our European economic paradise. Other than that, I’ve not much to say just now.

Close to home, news these past few weeks has been short on happy endings. For one thing, the Monolith was not shortlisted as a Union Terrace Garden design. But looking through recent news items, I conclude this is no country for old men. Or old women, women, people with special abilities, school children and infants. And this is definitely no country for animals.

For example take the case of 87 year-old Jamesina Mackenzie who died from a bedsore which became so exposed you could see the bone. This didn’t happen in the ‘dark’ or middle ages; it’s just happened.

So let’s move on to a definition or two.

Bedsore: (compound noun, English) A type of pressure sore caused by the sufferer lying prone in one position without movement over time. A wholly avoidable type of ailment.

The owner of the Highland ‘care home’ where Ms Mackenzie suffered with the sore that killed her told an inquiry into the death that his staff ‘did the best they could’. According to this manager, the problem was that ‘…there had been some errors in staff’s record keeping’. What would have been the result if they were negligent or slacked off, Old Susannah wonders.

I was glad to hear the staff did the best they could. After all, paperwork can be pretty heavy going. It would have been very hard for staff to figure out that this frail woman, who must have been in excruciating pain, had a wound so deep you could see her bone. You would have to have some kind of medical background to work that out.

Older people are always happy to sell up their own homes

My granny had been head nurse of a hospital in Massachusetts. The old-fashioned, primitive way to prevent bedsores was to encourage movement and if necessary, actually help people to move.

This hospital was very inefficient in that it had more nurses and doctors than managers. Far too much money was spent on patients’ food, and far too much time was spent on actually caring for people. I’ll bet the place didn’t even have a good profit margin.

Care Home: (compound noun, English) a residential institution dedicated to long-term care offering rest and re-cooperation of infirm people, usually elderly.

‘Care home’ – the word even sounds warm, safe and snug. The problem is running these homes costs money which could be put to other use. Older people are always happy to sell up their own homes so they will be able to afford a care home of the type which looked after Ms Mackenzie so well.

Saving money and keeping a home in order to have something to leave to your children is so passe. Sure you might get one or two dozen stories a month about older, frail people being abused in care homes, but who are you going to believe – them and their relatives, or the highly-paid (sorry – highly-trained) caring staff who run these places for profit.

Since most regional authorities and councils decided to ‘outsource’ their care responsibilities, there may have been a few minor hiccups or injuries and deaths. But outsourcing is here to stay.

Still our City council knows best, and despite the collapse of a major private care home operator, Aberdeen is still looking into privatising more of its homes. Which leads me to a definition I might have already done, but seems to need updating.

Outsourcing: (noun; modern English) To take a service or operation away from its parent/owner and have it run by a third party.

We are desperate to save money in Aberdeen (those portraits and jeans for the Lord Provost don’t pay for themselves, you know) and in order to do so, we are giving our money to consultants. The totally impartial consultants come in and look at your business. They decide which services should be outsourced, and then the money saving starts instantly.

clearly they just want to give the best care possible to your grandparents or children.

Coincidentally, they often want to outsource the same services that they are able to provide. Old Susannah has yet to hear of a consultancy saying ‘let’s hire more people so we can run things better and have nicer schools and care homes’.

This just proves that the consultancies are impartial businesses which have to make tough choices. It must be very hard for them indeed.

After the consultants have been paid a modest sum for their expertise, the city fires/lets go/lays off its existing staff who initially performed the services. That’s a saving right there in salary expense. In the case of childcare or nursing homes, this may upset the clients initially (the word ‘client’ as used by the City is an old, infirm or young human being to the rest of us).

The ‘clients’ may lose any relationship they’ve built up with their previous carers, but never mind. If you play your cards right, you might even fire enough people to pay part of the consultant’s bill.

The economics of outsourcing get greater for the city involved. Now that they are no longer providing a non-profit service with taxpayer money, they turn the taxpayer money over to people who exist to make a profit. It might seem as if these private operators would cut a corner or two to make money, but clearly they just want to give the best care possible to your grandparents or children.

In the old days you might have thought the purpose of paying tax was so that the government could provide you the services you needed, but which were not designed to be money-making businesses. If we read the odd case of an older person abused (or given a salt shaker instead of an asthma inhaler as happened recently), then that’s the breaks. The other breaks often involve bones.

Thankfully in these modern, enlightened times, we realise that making money is more important than anything else. Including poor Mrs Mackenzie and the other stories that don’t make the paper.

Stop Press! Aberdeen City Council has approved its budget! Read all about it here in this unbiased City Council report:
http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/CouncilNews/ci_cns/pr_budgetrevcap_100211.asp

It’s all central government’s fault for not giving us lots more dosh. This might be in part because we waste so much of the stuff on monolith research, portraits and so on, but hey. You will I’m sure be happy to know that only a few hundred posts will either go unfilled (keeps the existing staff busy covering lots of jobs – they enjoy it) or will go altogether.

Re-roofing an unfit building makes as much sense as anything else going on here

We’re holding on to teaching assistants, which is interesting because we’ll be cutting expensive, boring music and art lessons for children. If you don’t have time to visit the city’s website, then just rest assured of one thing: the 50 metre swimming pool is still very much in the cards. Result!

We may pay for it from the Common Good Fund (remember the good old days when this was c. £35 million? Things have changed). To help balance the books, it looks as if Tullos Swimming Pool will stay shut.

Old Susannah is told that it recently had brand new lights installed, and its roof is brand new. Which is odd, because the city now say the building is unstable. Re-roofing an unfit building makes as much sense as anything else going on here.

Consultants have also produced a brilliant 10 page report (took about a year to do, as you can imagine), showing that Aberdeen has many more swimming pools per population than other parts of Scotland. Of course these consultants counted in all the pools we’ve got: Ardoe, Palm Court, etc. etc. I guess the families of Torry will just have to hop into their BMWs and pay to swim for a day at a hotel pool once Tullos is gone.

Still, we’ll have saved money, and we may eventually produce a swimmer who may win a shiny medal. If Aberdeen wins an Olympic medal in a few decades, we’ll all agree it’s been worth it.

Old Susannah No.50 – Open Doors, Open Season

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Environment, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Sep 092011

Old Susannah watches the latest developments in the ‘Deen and the wider world and feels like a deer caught in headlights. Here is this week’s look at what’s happening where and who’s doing what to whom. By Suzanne Kelly.

This Saturday is Open Doors day; I urge you to get out and visit sites in Aberdeen normally closed to the public. (I will try and get to Marischal College – but I will also be whale-watching at Torry Battery with local expert Ian Hay at 10:30).

From noon Old Susannah will be at Marks & Spencer collecting signatures on postcards to highlight the plight of our Tullos Hill Deer. The postcards are free and will be sent to the City; please come see me. The design is a powerful one, I think you’ll agree.

Old Susannah spent last week in France and Italy. I wandered around small towns and capital cities, and was struck at the lack of concrete, shopping malls, and ‘connectivity’. Small, intimate spaces were around every corner – but you actually were better off walking from place to place.

Not a single monorail was in sight either. Small, local shops were busy with locals and tourists – there was no choice but to buy individualistic, hand-made items in most of the places I visited. Streets were tree-lined; parks filled with interesting plants, and the pavements were amazingly clean. Even the smallest of towns had rich programmes for retired/elderly people.

I even came across a programme to teach dog owners the importance of keeping their animals under control and cleaning up after them. Don’t worry – nothing like this will happen here.

Sad to say I missed this year’s Offshore Europe.

While historically a few firms hire attractive fashion models to talk to prospective clients about North Sea joint venture economics and showcase the latest in directional drilling techniques and so on, this year it seems one firm took things a bit further. I am told swimsuit models were window dressing for one of the stands.

Perhaps this bathing-suit theme was something to do with subsea operations or ‘diving’ of some sort or other. Whatever happened to the old-fashioned practice of giving OE visitors lots to drink? In any case, it is a good thing we have more women involved in the oil business, and the presence of glamour models should by no means be seen as a cheap publicity stunt or a large backwards step for equality.

In a happy development, the baby gull that I rescued (with a co-worker’s help) made a complete recovery at New Arc Animal Sanctuary, and will be released soon, along with a Fulmar and some ducklings. Keith at New Arc has his hands full, and is still looking for volunteers and donations. New Arc will shortly open a charity shop in Banff, and will want your unwanted quality goods (new and used) to sell. Get in touch with New Arc at thenewarc1@aol.com.

I realise not everyone loves birds and gulls – I’ve not forgotten Mervyn New, who happily blasted baby gulls with a gun (at his work no less). But it seems a contributor to Aberdeen’s newest free newspaper, Aberdeen City Life, isn’t fond of them, either.

‘Fona’ McKinnon writes in City Life about the ‘Terrorists From the Sky.’ Er, they are birds and not quite terrorists; some people might object to the comparison in this run-up to the anniversary of 9/11. Best not to feed them (terrorists I mean) in town, but it’s definitely best not to blast them with guns either. Old Susannah wishes City Life all the best, and is glad there is another hard copy newspaper in town.

Finally, a tired, old, Aberdeen institution has had a much-needed facelift (no, not you Kate). Aberdeen City’s website has been re-vamped, and looks absolutely vibrant and dynamic. (More on its contents in a minute).

Time for some timely Deen definitions.

Family Business

(modern English compound noun) An organisation or enterprise staffed, organised and managed mainly by members of one family.

Much has been said lately about the excesses of the UK’s MPs when it comes to claiming expenses. Gone are the days of flipping second homes, flipping padded expenses and flipping new luxury bird houses in moats for the flipping MPs.

Much has also been said about the MPs using unpaid interns. The interns work for free, and more often than not are people who don’t need to work for money; often internships are given out to the well connected. But one area where the MP is still free to do as they please concerns hiring family.

Family members serve as secretaries, assistants and office managers. The Independent Newspaper’s sister paper ‘i’ reports that the taxpayer is shelling out a few million pounds annually for the 130 or so MPs’ family members. I am sure it must be a hardship working for mum or dad; the interviewing process must be rigorous.

I guess the jobs are all advertised widely, and a number of candidates are shortlisted before junior gets the job.

Closer to home, I note that many of our elected City Council officials still have time to run Aberdeen along world-class lines while still keeping a hand in their own family businesses. Some work as assistants for family plumbing or electrical businesses. Old Susannah knows it’s possible to do more than one job at once, but has always been confused by one little detail.

Some of these councillors list on their council web pages that they work for a family business – but when I look at the official register of interests, I can’t find where that work is actually listed. Are they working for free? Possibly – they are all quite selfless souls. Even so, I believe such work is meant to be on the official register of interests.

I am still trying to get to grips with what is/is not put on the registers, and aside from one rather terse email to me from the City (which took months for them to compose), I’m just not there yet.

Of course if any of these family business companies were doing any work for the City, the relevant councillors would bow out of any relevant meetings, and there would be complete transparency. I am sure that everything is above board. I just can’t find it in writing, that’s all.

‘Open Data Initiative’

(Aberdeen modern phrase)

Just when you thought the City had completely shown its hand and come clean about deer, trees, expenses, garden projects, planning, and selling land at less than market value – along comes: the ‘Open Data Initiative’. I mentioned the swish new website layout (I have to admit – it is an improvement), well one of the new-look site’s great successes is the Open Data Initiative.

I can practically feel the suspense building, and almost hear people asking aloud “What is the Open Data Initiative”! Without any further ado – here you go:-

Open data is about increased transparency, about sharing the information we hold with the wider community to build useful applications.

We’re always looking for new ways of making it as easy as possible for developers and website owners to access and present data held by us in ways that they want – allowing you to remix, mashup and share data easily.

Use the links to the right to navigate to our various datasets available. We’ll be adding more datasets soon, as well as pointers to online tools for making use of this data.

http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/open_data/open_data_home.asp

I am confident the City knows about data ‘mashup’; I would in fact swear to this. Well, what possible data are they now freeing up for us to mash and re-organise?

Will they tell me how much they are paying the deer ‘expert’?
Will they (finally) say how much land they sold at less than market value?
Will they let me know if any companies doing building maintenance at council properties are Councillors’ family businesses?

Brace yourself: if you go to the Statistics page link on the Open Data page.
(http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/open_data/statistics.asp)
You will find everything you might want to know. About how many hits the City’s website gets per month, the population figures, and the expenditure on something called the ‘Accord’ Card.

These are the very things I’d put on a Statistics page if I ran a city that was millions in the red. I was dying to know how many visitors the City’s web page had in August 2010 – the answer was (of course) 214,000. I guess that’s all of our questions answered now.

With our debt level in mind (and not being 100% certain a carpark and mall in UTG will save us from ruin), I followed a link to the February finance meeting documents. With our newly-launched ‘Open Data’ initiative in place, surely the City will be open with its – I mean our – finances, I thought.

Not all data is for the public of course. For instance, I was relieved to find that about half the information the Finance Committee discussed in February last year is off limits. Have a look for yourself if you like:
http://committees.aberdeencity.gov.uk/ieListDocuments.aspx?CId=146&MId=1925&Ver=4

You’ll see that many documents are withheld as they are tip top secret, must never be released, and are commercially sensitive. And thank goodness. It’s hard to get any privacy sometimes; so I’m glad to know that privacy is respected by our City’s officials.

However, I noted that an item from this Finance meeting about ‘Managed Data Centre and Virtual Desktop Environment’ was deemed secret.
If we have an ‘open data’ policy I guess it’s reasonable to withhold information from the public on the ‘Managed Data Centre and Virtual Desktop Environment ’ – I’m just not sure why.

But the good news is now you can see the reasons why you can’t see the items on the agenda. And that, I suppose, is ‘Open Data’.

On that note I feel the need for a Brewdog coming on. I will say here and now I bought a few shares in Brewdog, so please consider that my interest in Brewdog to be declared. I bought the shares, the T-shirt, and the beers. Why? Because they are great.
If I had a family business, I’d like it to be Brewdog, I do declare.

– Next week: ‘Police and Thieves’

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 35 – Prize Quiz Special

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 122011

Voice’s Old Susannah, thrown by the absence of interesting local news this week, takes us on a humorous diversion and challenges our grasp of local knowledge.

Not much going on in the Granite City this week. There is the lovely new £120,000 statue of Robert the Bruce for openers; I have seen people gasping at awe at this wonder.

Some old Lib Dem was found guilty of hanging about in a dodgy part of town at night, apparently looking after the well-being of his younger constituents.
Then again, perhaps he was only after some votes or help with his polI. There was also something about a deer cull, but I can’t recall what it was. Doubtless the Council have everything in hand.

Perhaps it’s time for a bit of humour, and so here is the first (and maybe last) Old Susannah News Quiz. The first correct entry drawn out of a hat wins a coffee date with Aileen Malone (to be confirmed), or failing that, I will plant a tree in my garden in the winner’s name. Or buy you a Brewdog (proof of age required. Drinking to excess can cause health problems and leave you looking like some of our councillors. Don’t vote on important issues while drinking).

Good luck. Actually – good luck to us all.

Question 1: Billionaire Sir Ian Wood had his photo in the Evening Express this week on the occasion of having been put on the UK’s rich list. He posed in front of a verdant green background ablaze with red flowers, against a dramatic Aberdeen city centre skyline. Where was this eyesore, and what should become of it?

Question 2: Match the cartoon character in Aberdeen with their fictional counterpart

a. Dolores Umbridge – in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter novels Umbridge is described as short, squat, looking like a toad, and is often wearing pink sweaters (in an attempt to look a bit feminine). She has iron-coloured curls, and works for the Government. She is more often than not hurting the vulnerable and abusing her government office. She wants to dominate everyone around her, and is a supporter of the forces of evil.

b. Boss Hogg – from the Dukes of Hazzard TV series and movie, this jumped up little man has his finger in every pie. Greedy, scheming, unethical, always trying to own everything in the county. Folically challenged, Boss Hogg often wore silly things on his head to disguise his baldness. This short-of-stature villain was also short on morals and treated the police as his paid flunkies.

c. Cruella deVil – a coarse, cruel, scheming woman out to destroy innocent creatures for her own strange fulfilment. Willing to stop at nothing to achieve her bloody ends. Frightening to children of all ages.

d. Father Ted – who can forget grey-haired Father Ted and the rest of Craggy Island’s inhabitants? Father Ted, for all his scheming and quests for money, was always caught with his hand in the kitty, and was forever forced to explain financial conundrums. “The money was only resting in my account” was his frequent catchphrase.

Fictional figures:

A. Former Councillor Scott Cassie – he and his wife are helping police with their enquiries about a wee bit of missing money. This didn’t stop Cassie from voting on some crucial recent issues (I seem to think I saw him at the Loirston Loch hearing). Alas, he will no longer have a street named after him. However, there is a rumour that one of the Cayman Island Banks now offers a ‘Scott Cassie Emergency Fund’ account.

B. Millionaire Propety Typhoon Stewart Milne – loads of money, just not enough to spend on improving AFC’s team or – heaven forfend – to solve the deer cull crisis at one go. Good at buying property at less than market value from our ever-vigilant City Council. Value for Money indeed.

C. The Nation’s sweetheart Aileen ‘Ho’Malone – Who can forget her brave stance on the deer cull issue? She alone was not afraid to stifle Nigg Community Council (and yours truly) from speaking this week before the Committee she convenes decided to shoot the deer. She is all hart, and with her doe-eyed stare, her inner compassion and honesty shine through. I wonder if she has any fur coats?

D. Go-getting Kate Dean – Planning supremo. What can I say about this woman that hasn’t already been said (or that would pass the censors)? ‘I was elected to do a job, and I’m going to do it’ was her rallying-cry during the cuts protests. When she is going to start doing what she was elected to do (or resign) is anyone’s guess.

Question 3: What percentage of £50,000,000 (the sum Sir Ian promises for his Union Terrace Garden parking lot) would £225,000 (the sum demanded not to shoot the Tullos Hill Roe deer) represent? Is it: a. 10%, b. 1%, c. .5% or d. 0.5%?

Question 4: Which is an endangered species: The Tullos Hill Roe Deer or the Liberal Democrats, which were so badly wounded in the recent election. Deer, Dems – or both?

Question 5: Tiebreaker (answer question of your choice): How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Why did the LibDem cross the road?

Send your answers in to oldsusannah@aberdeenvoice.com before next Thursday, and best answers will be published the following week.

I trust you will all forgive me (or maybe you’re glad) that I am putting in a shorter than usual piece this week. I’ve been busy fighting the forces of evil, and in pursuing a Freedom of Information appeal, which may yet prove very interesting. Can’t say more than that yet.

But I can say thank you to those people in the media (Danny Law especially), all the campaigners (you know who you are), and the four brave councillors who stood up for the deer. One thing I will say is that the issue will not, despite HoMalone’s wishes, go away.

BrewDog: Beer – Enthusiasm – Love.

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Featured, Information, Opinion Comments Off

Mar 112011

By Suzanne Kelly.

I was never going to be able to write an objective article about BrewDog – it is simply the most innovative and honest craft beer to emerge in the UK (or probably anywhere); I can’t think of any competition.

There is nothing out there in the beer sector that screams craftsmanship, individuality, creativity and…. well, love of beer, more than the BrewDog brand.

I am waiting for Bruce Gray from BrewDog HQ at the BrewDog pub in Aberdeen which opened in mid October. The fashionably industrial/minimalistic bar sits across from Marischal College. People are queuing to be served and the three staff behind the bar are busy but enthusiastically offering tastes of the dozens of craft beers on offer to those customers unsure what to drink. The music is as eclectic as the clientele and the brews on offer. It ranges from Beck to Massive Attack then goes back a few decades to come forward again.

Behind the bar are dozens and dozens of bottles of BrewDog offerings as well as an international collection of beers that makes my eyes water. Beer is sold in bottles and draught – the draught offerings seem to change with some frequency and limited edition offerings come and go from the tap with speed. In addition, they sell some of my favourite cheeses from Mellis (an enlarged menu will follow soon, Bruce advises). Bliss.

Bruce gets free from the bar and joins me; the first thing we discuss is the BrewDog philosophy. He extols the virtues of craftsmanship and explains that the company’s willingness to take risks and experiment has been key to its current considerable success. BrewDog opens in Edinburgh in March (Bruce had been down yesterday and reports it may open earlier than scheduled) and other pubs will soon emerge in Glasgow and London. I think they will be coining it in.

The company was started by Martin and James who sold their ‘Punk IPA’, ‘Paradox’ and ‘Trashy Blonde‘ offerings initially at the Aberdeen Farmers’ Market on Belmont Street. The next stop for the Dog was the export market where the following grew as the products’ quality spoke for itself.

Collaborations with international breweries followed as did a mountain of awards. These two founders are currently employing some 50 people, and BrewDog has experienced a profit increase from last year to this of some 260%. Unprecedented.

Bruce puts this down to the quality of the beers and to the skills of the guys in marketing. I can’t argue with that. Courting controversy has brought publicity – some negative – but it has not hurt the firm. You may recall scandalised newspaper stories on ‘Sink the Bismarck’ and ‘Tactical Nuclear Penguin‘ extra strong beers.

The press would have you believe that children would be buying bottles of these strong beers (some as powerful as 33% ABV) and getting paralytic in the streets.

Having tried the ‘Sink the Bismarck’ – these strong beers are only sold as ‘nips’ by the way – I can promise you that no one would sooner guzzle this down than down than they would a gallon of whisky. It’s like nothing else – a concentrated rich, cordial of a beer, a nip of which took me about twenty minutes to finish.

It is the flavours which really excite. While I love beer and attend beer/real ale festivals, I don’t have the vocabulary to fully describe just how unique these beers are. The ‘Trashy Blonde’ is described on the label as being a ‘statuesque fruity ale’ and I certainly can’t do better than that.

I love the honey notes in ‘Paradox’, and the classic ‘5 a.m. Saint’ is a strong ale which was the winner of the top overall award at the Hong Kong International Beer Awards in 2010.

Bruce and I discuss ‘Bitch Please’ which comes out at the end of 2011 – if you think you taste shortbread and toffee when you get your hands on this one, that will be because they’ve thrown some in. One of my favourite offerings so far was ‘Eurotrash’ – they took the ‘Trashy Blonde’ recipe and substituted the type of yeast used. The result of making this one change was, well, delicious – and completely different in taste to the original Blonde. You are left in no doubt that the brewers are ruled by their imaginations, not profit margins. Don’t look for ‘Eurotrash’ any more – it’s all gone. I ask Bruce to please consider bringing it back; watch this space.

I feel I must ask Bruce some grown-up business questions so I ask what kind of demographic they are targeting; the answer is that they are not after any one group at all and they find women are very interested and want a taste of everything (a wooden pallet holding 4 x 1/3 pint beer tasters is a popular seller). In fact, the place is devoid of the stereotypical real ale fan; I see no obligatory man with beard, beer gut and woolly jumper.

I’ve added a few things to my ‘must do’ list; namely, getting the soon-to-be released ‘Beer School’ booklet and the new collection of four single hop IPA – ‘IPA is dead’.

I thank Bruce for his time, and come away (well, go to the bar to buy a half of Camden Town Brewery’s wheat beer and a half of ‘5 a.m. Saint’ ) impressed by the genuine enthusiasm that permeates every aspect of this operation. I should probably be trying to think of some clever pun or other for an article headline – no doubt something about ‘bark’, ‘hop’, ‘every dog has its day’ – but it is totally unnecessary. BrewDog is Beer for Punks and everyone else who honestly loves an honest beer.

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