Tullos Archives - Page 4 of 13

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 115 – Self Knowledge

Articles, Opinion, Satire and Humour 7 Responses »

Mar 282013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

What a week it’s been. Firstly (before the satire sets in), I have been asked to convey thanks to the Formartine councillors who took the logical, courageous, sensible, prudent step of deferring the planning permission Trump had asked for.

Several Aberdeenshire residents asked me to write on their behalf to the councillors in question, asking them not to approve the retrospective permission. These residents, and plenty more, are very pleased with the outcome, and hope to see the bunds down – and Trump Golf International forced to comply with what was approved.

If the councillors visit the Munro’s now-dark kitchen and look out the window at the bund which blocks the light as well as the view, they cannot fail to vote to take the bund down.

Thanks to the residents, those who lobbied, and above all, to the person who found out the shire had changed documents on this application, yet still recommended approval.

I had a delicious meal at Norwood Hall this week, enjoying some fun and games courtesy of Team Challenge.

There was a crazy golf game set up. It cost far less than £200 or so to play, there wasn’t sand and snow blowing at the players, none of the course disintegrated, and coffee and a sandwich didn’t break the bank. No security guards jumped out in front of me as I prepared to putt; I even got a hole in one. Thanks Norwood and Team Challenge.

I made a brief visit or two to BrewDog, which continues to be a great place to enjoy the odd half or two, and talk to interesting, friendly people.

Long may it run.

My photo shows some sensational new wall art by BrewDog’s Fisher; he’s organised it so undergrads from Gray’s can hang work up in the bar, too. Expect the first art in a few days.

There is a fundraiser for Willows down in Chichester this Saturday night; I’m very happy to be going. Patron Paul Rodgers and his wife Cynthia will be there; Paul’s performing, as is…. Deborah Bonham, who has a new album imminent. (If you didn’t know, she is sister to the late, great, unequalled John Henry Bonham of Led Zeppelin).

There will be an auction of memorabilia afterwards as well. (This sounds like my idea of heaven). It is hoped that a concert can take place closer to Willows sometime, but this night is for two charities and the performers are based in that part of the world. Willows own open day is this Sunday; let’s hope the weather improves for their sake and the sake of all animals.

But now it’s time for a few relevant definitions based on this week’s events; this week with an eye on the modern self.

Self-harming: (Modern English compound noun) The act of inflicting deliberate injury on oneself, often involving bloodletting and sharp instruments; an emotional illness.

Perhaps the most bizarre health-related story of this or any other recent week concerns those poor souls who self-harm. Thankfully, this is the 21^st century, and the latest psychological treatments are at hand to help.

Unsted Park School has this unfortunate malaise in hand. Well, actually, one of its teachers hands out sterilised blades to self-harmers.

According to the BBC, a school spokeswoman said:-

“This was a short-term, local procedure introduced by the head teacher and school principal who genuinely believed it was in the best interests of the pupil.

“However, they accept that the procedure should not have been implemented without further approvals having been obtained from key stakeholders and senior management prior to its introduction.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-21941578

This amazing statement has failed to impress school inspection officials, who for some reason find dishing out razor blades to emotionally-disturbed young people ‘deeply worrying.’ You don’t say.

For ‘stakeholders’ read friends and family, who some feel just might want to have a say in whether or not their friend, daughter, son or sibling was given a way to self-harm.

Apparently we are supposed to be happy that this was ‘supervised’ and that the blades were sterilised. We wouldn’t want anyone getting hurt while self-harming, would we? And you thought you’d heard everything.

It would be rather nice to know who this teacher was, what approval they had received and from whom for this great scheme, what psychological training they had, and to know what in the heck they were thinking to actually think this was in anyone’s best interest. Wherever this teacher gets their ideas from needs serious investigation.

Self-justification: (noun) Rationalising one’s own methods and actions.

Looking through a Press & Journal this week, I learnt that the ‘Tree for Every Citizen’ Scheme was a great success! Although this gave me déjà vu to see in print, it’s won an award!

Those behind this huge success story told the P&J that the scheme was opposed by some animal rights activists, but it’s an award-winning, tree-celebrating, all-singing, all-shooting success. I’m so happy to hear it.

Only a pedant would point out that the local community councils wanted to keep the meadowland and the deer they had – a herd which had wandered the hill for over 70 years with no problems or over-population issues.

Only a petty mind would care that Chris Piper, man behind the scheme, made about £70,000 from the City, and over £100,000 was spent to turn our meadow into a defoliated mess. Trees at St Fitticks are growing, says the City Council, so it must be true. Of course they are no taller than they were two years ago (well, the tree protector tubes that aren’t actually hollow anyway).

The area is choked with weeds, but if the city and the P&J say it’s a successful scheme, then who am I, thousands of local residents who signed a petition, the Scottish SPCA, Animal Concern Advice Line, and a host of political figures to disagree?

Couldn't we have left a little gorse for overwintering and early nesting species?

Bulldozing gorse, killing deer, getting rid of the wildlife we had from butterflies and birds to small mammals and deer – these can all be explained away by Tallboys, HoMalone and Piper – they had to kill this wildlife so that they would make a home for wildlife later on.

The trees newly planted on the hill are already surrounded by taller weeds.

The SNH told us to spend time and money ensuring that weeds didn’t hinder the scheme for a second time (it’s already cost us £43,800). For some reason, none of this gets into the Press & Journal. I wonder why.

More tellingly, there is not a single photo in the P&J showing what the hill looks like now.

If you want to see our own war zone, go and visit it for yourself, or see older photos in Aberdeen Voice. But as long as a handful of self-enriching, self-aggrandising people behind this scheme are happy, than what’s the wishes of thousands of others and our previous wildlife haven in comparison?

Self-Deluding: (compound noun) State of convincing one’s self that an untruth is actually true.

Mr Trump says offshore wind farms, which sadly for him were approved this week, will destroy Scotland.

For some years now, I thought it would be acceptable to have an offshore wind farm. Even though someone as astute and as big an environmentalist as Donald Trump said it was a horrible idea, I thought there might be some merit in wind over nuclear energy or some other fracking nonsense.

Well, earlier this week I was nearly convinced that Mr Trump was right all along.

Again I look this week to the Press & Journal for my facts: and what I saw at first terrified me. The paper showed a picture of St Nicholas House, coming in at around 174 feet high, and next to it, towering over it (!) was a wind turbine which could actually be over 600 feet tall! I’m not kidding!

My first reaction was of course complete horror: “Did everyone know that an offshore wind turbine can actually be even taller than St Nicholas House? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I wondered. I’d never have guessed!

The paper’s position seems to be that wind turbines, or windmills as Donald Trump likes to call them, of this size would of course ruin Scotland not only for tourists – but for golfers as well, and we can’t have that obviously.

Perhaps we should back a call not to put any 600 ft windfarms in town next to St Nicholas House.

It’s an amazing bit of coincidence that the paper and Donald Trump are against windfarms, and keep repeating what a nightmare offshore windfarms would be if near The Donald. They do say great minds think alike. Then again, they also say fools seldom differ, particularly if one really rich fool hires the wife of a fool who wants advertising revenue.

Thinking over this great illustration for a nanosecond or two, I became less alarmed. While I’m sure the P&J meant well, and aren’t trying to cause any panic, I would like to refer whoever wrote this to an old episode of the inimitable Father Ted.

Ted and Dougal are in a caravan on holiday (but obviously not in Scotland because there isn’t enough golf and there are windfarms). Father Ted holds a plastic toy cow, shows it to Dougal, and points out the window to some farm animals in a faraway field. Dougal seems baffled, looking from the plastic cow in his hand to the cows and bulls in the field.

“This looks big,” Ted says to Dougal, “but those are very, very far away.” Ted explains.

Perhaps a wind farm far off shore would not look as big as one next to St Nicholas House? A wild theory, but I’ve enough self-confidence to put it out there. In the meantime, no doubt Trump and the P&J will keep repeating their line that windfarms must go.

Keep repeating it gentlemen; you’ll eventually start to believe it.

Self confidence: (noun) A condition of self-awareness and acceptance; being at ease with one’s self.

In this age, self-confidence is essential to get by. Self confidence is necessary in business and social situations , but remember, girls must not be very self-confident, or they run the risk of being ‘full of themselves’, a sin men are rarely guilty of.

It must be a hard thing to be a man in today’s world and lack self-confidence. Take for a moment (or just take full stop) one Mr Donald Trump.

This retiring wallflower billionaire recluse should really think about getting himself some public relations. He’s rarely mentioned in the press, despite all his good works. His name and winsome photo only appear in the media if he goes somewhere, says something, sneezes, holds a golf club, or gets on or off of an airplane.

He should really stop hiding his light under a bushel. For instance, he stated to a government inquiry that he considers himself to be an environmentalist. Try as I might, I can’t find any news stories to back this up.

Perhaps there is some way he can ingratiate himself further still with the Scottish public. Does he have any Scottish ancestry, I wonder? Perhaps he could get a coat of arms made up; this would impress us all.

Sad to say, but a lack of self-confidence can come from a lack of personal grooming skills. Perhaps he should let his hair down a bit more or something. Perhaps a trip to the dentist might help; on those rare occasions he is seen in the press, the faces he makes suggests wisdom tooth issues or badly fitting dentures. Good luck to you Donald; we’re all behind you (one way or the other).

I think we’d best leave it there for now. A very Happy Easter Weekend to those celebrating it. Whatever you celebrate or don’t celebrate, the National Trust has some great activities for families this weekend (and there is the Willows open day, too). Let’s hope for some continued warmer weather.

Special Easter Egg Hunt Competition: Hidden in this satirical column are one or two grammatical errors! Yes really! If our sub editor doesn’t spot them, not only will they have their salary withheld, but the first reader to point out the grammatical/spelling errors will win the sub editor’s AV salary for the week!

Tally Ho!

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 104 – Discovering New Levels

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 1 Response »

Dec 032012

Old Susannah casts her beady eye around the ‘Deen – and this week, far beyond! By Suzanne Kelly

Tally Ho! Apologies for the late-running of this service but Old Susannah has been in New York and Glasgow over the past 10 days or so.

The biggest news of the week is the annual Glenfiddich Spirit of Scotland Top Scot award going to Michael Forbes, Menie resident and nemesis of Donald Trump. Many congratulations on an award well deserved.

It was disheartening to see New York in such a state; there is a huge, under-used park at the very centre of Manhattan.

Because this central park hasn’t been successfully transformed into a vibrant, dynamic, iconic web, New York is closed for business. Retail trade is down, with many small family-owned, non-chain store businesses operating throughout the greater Manhattan area instead of multinationals and pound shops.

This park also has major connectivity problems. Some if it is actually below street level! Yes, really. Other parts have a wall separating the park from the street, and people have to travel a few blocks to get to the next entrance.

To make things even worse, some of the park is even higher than street level. I hear a delegation from New York will travel to Aberdeen soon to look at the web plans, and see if the Granite Web can’t be built over Manhattan.

Until such time, New Yorkers will have to suffer the consequences – little tourism, hardly any business, and not much going on culturally.

If they were to just set up their own version of ACSEF, I’m sure the local taxpayers would be happy to fund an unelected quango that knew better on all issues than elected officials, and do whatever it said without question.

Then it was on to Glasgow.

For some reason, the streets there don’t have much going for them. Well, not in the way of litter, potholes and broken pavements anyway. The public transportation is affordable, clean and frequent – even after 6pm!

One really tough-looking guy on the underground strode purposely near where I was standing – to put a used ticket into a used ticket bin. Must have been something wrong with him.

Returning to BrewDog on Monday evening, I bought the last two bottles of Ghost Deer. This truly delicious beer is the world’s strongest fermented beer (and it has fetching artwork).

I also managed to buy one of the last limited edition Ghost Deer t-shirts, so I am well chuffed at having something to wear when I next see Aileen Malone.

Ghost Deer is marketed as ‘an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion.’ It reminds me of someone, I just can’t figure out who.

Want a few weeks off work? Stop washing your hands when you use restrooms and stop disinfecting surfaces

The deer theme continued at Aberdeen Art Centre as I attended an opening of work by Nicky Cairney and her mother, Angela Cairney. The show was well attended and the work is very varied, with themes of nature, man’s interference with nature, and environment the overriding themes.

Please do go and see it, especially the silhouette work concerning Tullos Hill and golf. When lit in different ways, these dioramas throw powerful shadows with more than a little hint of political commentary.

Before moving on to some seasonal definitions, something seems to be wrong with the council. When the first icy days hit us, salt and sand were being used on the roads AND pavements. I really don’t know what they’re playing at – you didn’t get this kind of thing happening when Kate Dean was convener. Let’s see if they keep it up.

Cold weather also can mean an increase in viruses. A few unpleasant illnesses are doing the rounds, so try and stay well. Here are some definitions which may help.

MRSA Virus (noun) a strain of the staphylococcus bacterium which can cause serious infections in people, and which is becoming increasingly immune to antibiotics.

Want a few weeks off work? Stop washing your hands when you use restrooms and stop disinfecting surfaces. Also forget all that nonsense about using a tissue once, throwing it away, and then washing your hands. That’s for wimps.

It’s an awfully good thing that Aberdeen Royal Infirmary and Grampian NHS ensure all the wards in our area are spotless. I was told you could eat off the floor in Ward 49, for instance. Bring a knife and fork.

It’s important to remember that if you get an infection that needs antibiotics, the doctor doesn’t really want you to finish the whole course of medicine. Just take a few pills, stop after a day or two, then be totally surprised when you don’t get better. You’re doing a good deed for biodiversity by making bugs stronger and stronger. Result!

However, there is a more serious hospital virus going around. At present, there is only one known case. This case is, however, in our area – so do be vigilant…

MRCS Virus (noun) new strain of hospital virus causing computers to imply doctors have more qualifications than they do. Pity poor Doctor (???) Muhammad Ishaque.

It’s clear that ARI takes checking references seriously

This trainee doctor worked in Aberdeen Royal Infirmary, where he picked up this curious disease. Unfortunately, the highly-trained professionals at ARI failed to spot this virus before he was hired. Perhaps a better check-up of incoming doctors is called for.

To most people in the medical profession MRCS means Member of the Royal College of Surgeons. The implication if you got an email from said trainee was that they were a qualified, recognised surgeon. This trainee didn’t exactly have all of the medical qualifications his computer said he had. Instead, he claimed he contracted the MRCS virus on his computer at the hospital.

This rare virus causes a trainee doctor’s outgoing emails to magically contain the letters MRCS after the trainee’s name. Scientists are baffled at the emergence of this new virus, and are closely studying Ishaque, the only known sufferer in the world.

So by all means clean your hands – but clean your hard drives as well.

I guess it’s no big deal – as the ARI seems to insist – that this person examined people. They say he was always working alongside a fully trained doctor. It’s not as if people expect a person examining them would have been fully vetted before allowed anywhere near the public.

I’m thinking of going along for a job as well – guess if I work with a qualified doctor, no one would mind being examined, advised or probed, would they? It’s clear that ARI takes checking references seriously. Otherwise, we might wind up with people being treated badly in hospital, and that simply couldn’t happen here.

Funnily enough, there is a long-running rumour that a form of this virus may be at work in Aberdeen City Council computers, a rumour that says not all officers have all the qualifications they claim to hold. Obviously the city’s HR team check and double-check all references.

Gift Cards (modern English noun) A procurement card with a given amount of credit, which allows the holder to buy goods and services.

Poor former administration of Aberdeen City Council. Despite having teams of accountants, financial experts, staff of all descriptions and black-and-white procurement procedures, they just couldn’t find a way for some essential purchases to be made. Easy to understand, I’m sure.

Instead of being hassled with procurement rules, they bought and dished out tens of thousands of pounds worth of Tesco gift cards. Result! ACC staff obviously bought just what they needed for their jobs, kept receipts, and filed accurate business expense claims.

Maybe instead of going to work as a doctor for ARI, I should just get a job at ACC and some Tesco gift cards

Old Susannah remembers the story of an enterprising social worker who did their best to stimulate the economy by purchasing much-needed goods. Mind you, technically some of these purchases should have successfully made it into the hands of the people the social worker was caring for, rather than being used by said social worker for personal use.

That’s just splitting hairs, though. Some thoughtful social workers have, so I am led to believe, given a wee bit of help to their clients when it is time to vote as well. What a comprehensive service!

Back to the use of Tesco gift cards. According to STV:

“The fact that money seems to have been spent towards the end of the financial year, that some things were bought that were inappropriate expenditure and the fact that a certain area was stockpiling cards in (sic) unacceptable.”

Another little fact of city council budgeting is that departments might lose funds in the following year if they did anything rash – like not spending all of the money they were allocated in the current year. This is how we encourage departments to do all they can to save money. I’m just not exactly sure how that is working out.

Hmmm. I wonder who gets to keep the Tesco Club card points, worth a fair bit of money, air miles and free pizza? I think we should be told. That’s an awful lot of points someone’s got. Who, I wonder, has them?

Clearly the financial records will show that such points are retained and used by the council, as the purchaser of the gift cards. Maybe instead of going to work as a doctor for ARI, I should just get a job at ACC and some Tesco gift cards.

That’s almost it for this week – but to cheer everyone up, Aberdeenshire Council is ‘manning up’ and getting tough on crime. Yes, at this festive time of year, there can be an upsurge in street crime.

But hooray! The shire is going to save us all from the scourge of – too much bunting, banners and festive lights. According to the council, there will be a crackdown on this kind of unwanted, hazardous, illegal activity.

Meanwhile over at the Menie Estate…

Next week: more festive definitions.

Confidential note to the person with the Saltire posting fetish: great – good for you – keep putting the Saltire up but can you please stop nailing your signs into living trees? You’re not doing the trees any favours.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Tree For Every Citizen: Award Winner Or Disaster?

Aberdeen City, Environment 13 Responses »

Nov 232012

Originally sent to cover Aberdeen’s Tree for Every Citizen initiative, Aberdeen Voice’s Suzanne Kelly turned campaigner against the scheme, protesting alongside animal charities, community councils and thousands of local residents.

War torn country storm damage? No it is award winning ACC ph2 scheme realised. Tullos 18 Nov 12

Despite the many firm arguments against the plan – a plan which included culling the deer which had wandered the Gramps for generations – a gung-ho Aberdeen City Council (ACC) went ahead. With Tullos Hill set to be planted with 89,000 trees in the scheme’s second phase, gorse and other indigent plants were ripped out, a process that left many birds and small animals homeless.

As one of the scheme’s mooted outcomes was to create a haven for wildlife, the illogicality was not lost on campaigners. Nor was the cost, which ran into thousands of pounds despite a council pledge the operation would be cost neutral.

The plan, to destroy existing meadowland and slaughter its native deer to create a woodland habitat in which, conversely, deer and squirrels could live, according to its supporters, was described by the Scottish SPCA as ‘abhorrent and absurd’.

Yet the council claims the project as a great success story.

So, what is the reality on the hill today?

In October 2012, Princess Anne presented the city with a certificate to mark its effort to create a Diamond Jubilee Wood on Tullos Hill. Patron of the Woodland Trust’s Jubilee Woods project, the princess presented the award to ACC Countryside Officer Ian Tallboys. According to the city’s publicity arm, Tallboys said:

“Tullos Hill is one of Aberdeen’s most popular beauty spots, so it is vital that we preserve and enhance this area for future generations.

“This ambitious project – part of the council’s award-winning Tree for Every Citizen scheme – has gone a long way to achieving that and it is great news that the hard work of everyone involved is now being recognised on the national stage.”

It all sounds very impressive, but let’s examine some of Tallboys’ claims about the scheme:

Ambitious? Well, no one could disagree with that. The scheme, largely cooked up as a LibDem election pledge, was so ambitious that not only the wishes of local people but the concerns of animal charities such as the Animal Concern Advice Line and Scottish SPCA were ignored

Preserved? The hill has been torn up, fenced off, its wildlife scared away or shot.

Enhanced? The hill is scarred and badly damaged, an area that was a noted beauty spot and in places, still is. The deer, scapegoats for the failure of Phase One of the scheme, have been shot.

Whether or not more deer move into the area (as most wildlife experts without a vested interest in the tree scheme advise), the scheme is as likely to fail in the second phase as it did in the first. For a start, the soil is almost non-existent (as a government soil report advised campaigners years ago), and what is there is filled with rock, stone and decades of debris from the hill’s long-standing use as a de-facto rubbish tip.

The soil report also cites weeds as a prime factor in the failure of trees to thrive, though being planted on a windswept hill adjacent to the North Sea would hardly promote healthy growth. The hill’s weeds are already doing their work, the trees so fought for by those who stood to gain from the scheme already being left to compete with weeds for nutrients in the soil.

Nothing like 89,000 trees were planted. Little or no planting has taken place where gorse has actually been removed from the site. Nothing has been done to make good the scarred areas of the hill and, despite claims to the contrary, the land seems simply too rocky and too filled with garbage to support healthy trees.

There is little evidence to support Tallboys’ declarations of achieving anything positive whatsoever.

A smattering of evidence that Tullos hill just might be too rocky for tree roots and subject to wind toss. Tullos 18 Nov 12

This entire project has been and remains a sorry excuse for environmental enhancement. It could be the only enhancement from the project has been to the pockets of those contracted (and paid by the taxpayer) to exterminate the deer and remove natural habitat.

It is worth noting seabird populations in the area are down more than 50% since the 1970s; the loss of even more gorse habitat cannot help. Any similar exercise so lacking in public support and with such disastrous outcomes must not be allowed again.

Our intrepid reporter Suzanne Kelly will be writing to the Diamond Jubilee Woodlands Trust and Princess Anne’s secretary, including ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos of the devastation, details of the finances involved and proof of the lack of public support. She invites other interested parties to join her.

She says:

“I have absolutely nothing against trees or any well thought out environmental improvement scheme. But the Tree for Every Citizen project was carried out not only at all costs but against residents’ wishes, against the advice of experts and against the existing ecosystem that was in place.

“We now have a badly damaged meadowland, and meadowland is the fastest-disappearing type of ecosystem in the UK. In Aberdeen. I’ve seen meadows given up for development at an alarming pace while empty brownfield sites lie undeveloped.

“This situation needs to be addressed and in future the needs of all stakeholders taken into account. There must never be another ill-conceived, ego-driven, sorry excuse for environmental improvement like this again.”

P.S. CJ Piper, a company paid over £40,000 for its part in this scheme, helped prepare a report to the Forestry Commission which claimed only a ‘vociferous minority’ opposed the scheme; in it, proprietor Mr Piper suggested this ‘minority’ would quieten down after the deer were shot.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Sushi No. 103 – Gone Fishin’

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

Nov 162012

Voice’s Old Susannah surveys the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond, and smells something fishy while she’s at it. By Suzanne Kelly

Tally Ho! The masked ball was a huge success socially and financially; its use of Union Terrace Gardens was inspired. This great common good asset made money both for the city (I assume a fee was charged for using UTG – it normally is) and for the charity – and all during hours the park would normally have been closed.

Organisers Balmoral Group announced they hit their £50,000 target with a thousand or so to spare, all for the benefit of the Friends of Anchor charity. What’s not to like? (Someone was there in a gold deer head mask: I wonder who that was?)

I have good news for all fans of great literature – news that can only add a touch of class to our City of Culture bid. It was reported at the weekend Aberdeen Journals Ltd is to branch out into fiction – and not just their usual P&J and EE kind of fiction, either.

Someone on the board must have read 50 Shades Of Grey and decided this was the way forward in the 21st century – yes, the Journals is to start its own erotic literature publishing company! Will this feature people sending in readers’ wives photos just like the EE does? We shall see.

No doubt this is a move calculated to stimulate young minds, and absolutely nothing to do with cashing in on the latest, no doubt flash-in-the-pan trend for cheap mummy porn. One wonders how one of their books might open? Hmmm…

“It was at an ACSEF meeting he first caught her eye, or rather her eyes lingering on his bulging portfolio just a tad longer than might be considered decent in polite company. His interest well and truly aroused, he quietly checked out her assets from beneath hooded lids while scanning her CV, impressed by its list of the quangos she had dominated while the taxpayer paid through the nose.

“But could she handle his inducement? Would she help with his erection if he gave her 50 million big ones? Could they spin a beautiful web together? Questions, questions, and as he chewed them over, she glanced in his direction, wondering how he would feel if she started talking TIF. She didn’t want to go too far, too fast, too soon. But she needn’t have worried. They were made for each other.”

With all the comings and goings of these past few weeks, I can’t help but feel something fishy is going on. The Scottish Government’s (legal? really?) insistence that UTG must be developed is giving everyone who cares about the park a haddock. At this stage, with the city divided, it is very shellfish indeed of Wood to continue carping on. Central government won’t clam up either: we either build over our park or it’s no TIF for us.

Pretty soon, the SNP/Scottish Government is going to have to tell us exactly what piece of legislation it is that enables them to insist we develop UTG if we want TIF funding for other projects. Several Freedom of Information requests await reply, very simple requests asking exactly what communications have passed between Holyrood, Sir Ian, ACSEF and the rest of the usual suspects regarding the future of UTG.

You might recall TIF in Scotland was rolled out as a pilot scheme, with no real rules about what land must or must not be developed. On the other hand, the TIF model as practiced in its US birthplace is already creaking, and creaking badly. Designed to be used only for the regeneration of disused brownfield sites in deprived areas, unforeseen difficulties with the TIF funding model in the States are in most cases causing havoc.

Here, we could be forgiven for thinking central government has something against the greenbelt and SSIs of Aberdeen City and Shire, or even that they have a secret agenda of sucking up to the rich at every opportunity. I wonder what discussions have taken plaice?

Our previous collection of councillors included an old trout or two, not to mention Councillor Coral. They were old school and fell for the Granite Web hook, line and sinker. Not since the days of the Krays has anyone had so much pressure piled on as our new councillors – but at least they aren’t out of their depth like the old lot.

BTW I didn’t set out on porpoise to do any bad puns, but I was having such a whale of a time at BrewDog the other night (where coincidentally people named Fisher and Squiddy work), that by some fluke fishy jokes just came to the surface!

Now it’s time to look back at last week and mullet over. Without further delay, I offer you a chance to trawl through my small school of definitions that I hope will be good for the sole.

Sturgeon: (proper noun) a particularly primitive type of large fish, has not evolved much in 100 million years

This particular bottom feeder lacks any real teeth, although its posturing makes it look most fearsome. It survives in its murky habitat (Holyrood) largely by using its large nose and sense of smell to navigate.

Though it tries to push smaller fish out of its way, the Sturgeon tends to be outwitted by smaller, quicker species. Mostly known in North America, the pallid Sturgeon has been seen in Scotland of late (Edinburgh specifically), where it reputedly swims with sharks. The Sturgeon in question is looking more pallid by the week.

Somewhat ironically, the future of this fish is in jeopardy – its natural environment has been negatively impacted by mankind, whether through overfishing – or excessive building. Our local politicians might well learn a thing or two from the Sturgeon’s decline.

Puffer Fish: (proper noun) genus of fish known for slow speed and deadly poison

The Puffer Fish writes PR prose, known as ‘puff pieces’. They may, for example, tell you to enhance your land by building glorified walkways and redundant theatres. Puffers might look a bit dumpy in stature but they are often garishly coloured (or have lots of expensive fashion accessories).

Their comic appearance should not deceive anyone; they are filled with some of the most deadly venom on the planet. They are highly sought after but can still poison clients who sample their wares e.g. the delicacy fugu is poisonous if incorrectly prepared. Still, people are willing to shell out plenty for puffer fish. though it should be noted they are not that quick to react to stimulation, and find moving quickly or gracefully rather difficult.

Salmond: (proper name) A rather common sort of a fish; goes with anything

The Salmond is identified with Scotland – an independent Scotland. Sought after and easily angled by rich businessmen who visit the Northeast in search of real estate deals, land and money.

The Salmond is one species which seems not to mind wind farms. Red Herrings are often found when the Salmond is in the area. This fiercely independent fish is often found swimming against the tide.

Craw Fish: (noun) a crustacean with large grasping claws; an omnivore, devouring plants and fish whether they are living or dead

Stitched Up Like A Kipper: (Eng. phrase; exact origin unknown) to be tricked, entrapped, cheated etc.

I can’t think why this phrase having to do with being badly used, manipulated and conned should have sprung to mind. If I can find any examples, I’ll let you know.

Well, I’d better get my skates on – sea you next week!

https://aberdeenvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/DictionaryThm.jpg

Old Susannah No. 102: Culture, Vultures And Liverpool

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 11 Responses »

Nov 092012

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s event’s in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! This past week has been an exciting one on several counts. The fireworks were amazing – when Nick Clegg tried to handle Question Time in Parliament, the poor man could not open his mouth without the Opposition attacking him. Sadly, his friend(s) must have been confused, because they jeered him just as much as Labour did.

The speaker tried to calm the explosive situation to little avail. Alas, going down in history for being heckled by both sides is possibly not what Mr Clegg intended. (I recall he was helping Kate Dean with her image; that doesn’t seem to have worked out as intended, either).

It’s almost as if breaking one or two election pledges is not doing the LibDems any favours. If things get any worse for Clegg, he’ll have to ask Kate to give him some popularity pointers.

On Sunday I ran into someone from the Scottish SPCA; there had been reports of an injured seal near Torry Harbour. The Scottish SPCA couldn’t find the seal, nor could I.

Still, if anyone comes across any animals in distress, do call the Scottish SPCA on 03000 999 999. (The leaflet to combat dog fighting will be ready for distribution from Saturday, and anyone who wants to help give these out should get in touch with Aberdeen Voice).

There were delicious canapés at Malmaison, lots of delicious eats at Café 52, and BrewDog has some particularly gorgeous craft beers on tap. Moreover, the Dog has re-released ‘Ghost Deer’ – a strong, amazing beer in brilliant packaging. Perhaps I’m drawn to the Deer-themed artwork for some inexplicable reason.

I’m told a t-shirt will be produced soon; it seems a chief BrewDog artist works in the Aberdeen BrewDog bar – do check out the shirts on offer; they are a good example of locally-created, wearable artwork.

This Friday night I look forward to some pampering at Lush, and then heading to the Masked Ball in Union Terrace Gardens. It sounds like a very creative and elegant affair, and the Balmoral Group organisers are holding this event in aid of Friends of Anchor. This charity seeks to buy equipment and improve things at the ARI for cancer patients; a most worthy cause. Pictures to follow.

Also this week artist Nicky Cairney got in touch to share some haunting artwork on the theme of Tullos Hill; she found the Hill’s story very moving and inspired this artwork. More of her work can be found at www.nickycairney.co.uk.

I am sure that despite the rocky ground, visible waste everywhere, ploughed up gorse, resultant smaller wildlife numbers, dead deer and a fraction of the 89,000 trees planted, this great project alone will help our eventual city of culture bid.

Perhaps the Turners and Constables of the future will flock to the hill to paint pictures of rusty metal and tainted earth.

Limousine Bull is re-grouping. If you weren’t aware, this art resource was forced to leave its premises in Torry a few months back over a funding crisis – a crisis that any one of our great and good self-proclaimed patrons of the arts or culture-loving former city administration could have stepped in and solved for a four-figure sum.

I guess they had more important things to fund instead of supporting a gallery space, a teaching space, and affordable studios for up-and-coming artists in Aberdeen to work in, which brought people to Torry, and brought artists together. After all, we have to prove we’re a city of culture.

Closer to home, despite non-stop editorialising in the City Garden Project Press, aka ‘The Aberdeen Press & Journal’, Labour are sticking to their election pledge and aren’t going to build the web.

Never a news organ to let beautiful artwork sit idle, the P&J have trotted out the luridly coloured concept drawings from the doomed CGP several times this week. (I really must start forcing myself to look at all the old P&Js, and seeing if there has been a single issue over the past 2 years which didn’t have a web story on the first few pages – but I just can’t bear the thought of it).

Granite web supporters (i.e. Scottish Enterprise and its sprog ‘Visit Scotland’, ACSEF, and the construction industry) would have you believe that the web should still be the salvation of Aberdeen and the reason no one wants to lead our city of culture bid is that we didn’t turn our only city centre green space into a granite-clad spaghetti junction and we didn’t mulch our ancient trees.

Perhaps by building the theatre in front of the theatre they were trying to do for performing arts what they did for high street shops by building Union Square Mall?

What kind of youth culture exactly is going on here?

Should we be the City of Culture? While I did address this with a definition a while ago, it seems timely to do it again. As people try to make a living in the Arts in Aberdeen with or without government support (such as Limousine Bull), let’s take another look at the great expense – sorry – benefits of becoming a City of Culture..

Youth Culture: (compound noun; English) A given collection of style, behavioural, ideological characteristics shared by a given group of young adults.

Well, we do have youth culture in Aberdeen, and not just the long-running international youth festival. During Bonfire events, a group of young people in Seaton decided to throw burning pieces of wood at fire-fighters, and shoot fireworks in the firemen’s directions. A group of young people assaulted two men as well. What kind of youth culture exactly is going on here?

I think the problem lies in there not being a granite web. You build your web, create 6,500 jobs, and then there will be no further problems.

Skateboarding, graffiti, hanging around smoking and underage drinking can all be centralised in the web, perhaps in a ‘youth culture zone’. This will please everyone who insists Union Terrace Gardens are filled with old drunks and druggies – we’ll get in a better class of sub-culture. Younger drunks. This indeed will help our city of culture bid.

Perhaps these violent outbursts are because we have too many affordable, exciting things for young people to do, too many arts and music programmes, too many places for them to socialise and have fun. I think there is room for further cuts to library opening hours, music tuition, art and craft provision and so on.

City of Culture: (compound noun, English) A European designation given to a city for one year; the city is meant to then put out a varied programme of performing and visual arts.

Right, we are all agreed (apparently) – we want to bid for and win the coveted (?) City of Culture title. As described in Old Susannah No. 82, this might mean spending a few million here and there on things like giant spiders (nice fit with the web) which Liverpool spent £2 million on. It will definitely mean building lots of new structures! Result!

The unhappy millionaire builders we have locally will get to give us more ground breaking (probably greenbelt breaking) glass box buildings, malls and parking spaces.

Of course we have lots of buildings in the public and private sectors which we could put back into use (via tax incentives, improvement notices, discount rents to arts groups and social projects), but there’s little in it on the building front, and that’s what the City of Culture is all about – building new stuff.

Since the City of Culture bid for Aberdeen is being linked to the web, it is in the news nearly as much as those lovely drawings of the flower-covered, sunny web design. It is prompting much discussion and speculation.

A friend of mine asked me:

“why can’t we just have lots of events like we do anyway, and give more support to our local up-and-coming artists without spending money on the City of Culture Bid?”

I guess some people just can’t grasp the concept.

Unexpected: (adjective) An event or result which could not have reasonably been projected or forseen.

Here’s a coincidence for you. Liverpool spent millions on its 2008 bid to successfully become the City of Culture. Then there was a little coincidence in 2009, totally unrelated to this wonderful honour.

According to the Liverpool Echo newspaper of 29 December 2009:-

“Row brewing over £11m budget cuts proposal by Liverpool city council

“SCRAPPING school uniform grants for needy children, closing children’s respite homes and swimming baths and slashing culture spending are among cuts proposed by cash-strapped city bosses.

“They have also put forward the closure of the Park Road swimming baths in Toxteth and cutting culture funding by £400,000.

“The options have been put forward by officers as they try to plug an unexpected £11m gap in next year’s budget.”

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2009/12/29/row-brewing-over-11m-budget-cuts-proposal-by-liverpool-city-council-100252-25484325/

I suppose you couldn’t have expected that spending £2,000,000 on a giant spider, and spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on the culture bid, and unknown quantities on management companies, events, building projects and so on in 2008 could have led to any financial hardships in 2009. Who could have seen that coming??

The City of Culture was supposed to make everyone rich after all. This promise of wealth has a bit of a familiar ring to it; I’m sure I’ve heard about some project somewhere in Aberdeen like that.

Old Susannah must write to Liverpool and ask them if they use the services of PriceWaterhouse Cooper when they make their financial forecasts.

Synthetic: (Adjective) something which has been artificially fabricated, as opposed to something that naturally grows.

Whether or not we get the City of Culture award, we can be glad we’re in a city which nurtures local talent, allows creative movements to grow, and encourages experimentation within the arts to occur organically.

Sure, there may not be any money for school music, arts programmes like Limousine Bull are being allowed to die, and talented fashion designers and video artists (like the unique Fraser Denholm) are leaving the city at an alarming pace to live and work elsewhere (heaven knows why they head to London and Glasgow).

Furthermore, the more cynical are asking whether no one wanted to take on the role of City of Culture director because we don’t retain our talent, because we don’t support the artists we do have enough, because we kicked Peacock in the teeth, because we don’t encourage children to take up art and music in school to a greater degree, and because there is no natural flowering of art in all the unused shops we have – which other cities manage to rent to artists on affordable bases.

No – the reason no one wanted the job is because we didn’t build the web.

But more importantly, we’ve got a couple of city council suits who are helping to sort our culture out.

These people have decided what ‘quarters’ parts of Aberdeen are. We have the ‘merchant quarter’ on the green. Sure, half of the shops are closed or closing, crippled by business rates, but we’ve put up signs saying ‘merchant quarter’ – so merchant quarter it is.

We must all rejoice in the arbitrary designating of ‘cultural quarters’, ‘merchant quarters’ ‘civic quarters’ and so on. You can practically feel the difference when you step from the civic quarter into the merchant quarter can’t you?

In case you doubt Aberdeen City’s and ACSEF’s abilities to create awe-inspiring artwork and prose, here is a little something to keep you going until next week: http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/nmsruntime/saveasdialog.asp?lID=38444&sID=14302

As you can appreciate, if you just let things happen, you wind up with places like Notting Hill Gate, Brick Lane and so on – areas that are a bit edgy and filled with unwashed artist and musician types. Down with that sort of thing. Remember to know what quarter of the city you’re in, and be glad someone more creative than you or I thought to slap labels on them.

Next week: No quarter.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Is Government Reporting Any Good?

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion 3 Responses »

Nov 062012

The Iraq war was rubber-stamped despite the wishes of protesting millions; the justification that then Prime Minister Tony Blair used was a report. This report had been notoriously ‘sexed up’ to the extent that the Americans refused to endorse it. Blair aide, the foul-mouthed Alistair Campbell, was one of the main editors of this ‘dodgy dossier’. Blair stood by its robustness. We all know better now. Suzanne Kelly examines the quality standards of the reports on which life-changing decisions are taken.

Closer to home, what kinds of reporting standards are we seeing? Very poor ones, I’m afraid.

A report prepared for Aberdeen FC’s stadium plans for Loirston included a lengthy commentary from MSP Brian Adam, who favoured the project.

Labour MSP Richard Baker’s comments against the stadium were excluded from this report, leaving it unbalanced. At the time, Kate Dean first insisted that Baker missed the deadline, but Baker proved otherwise. Dean later apologised, but by then, the hearing was long finished, and planning permission was granted.

PriceWaterhouse Cooper were hired as consultants for the City Gardens Project. They were paid out of public funds and Scottish Enterprise was involved in the invoicing arrangements.

PwC used a very small sample of business people in its research, yet somehow came to the conclusion that 6500 permanent new jobs would be created by the Granite Web and £122m would flow into Aberdeen every year until 2023, this also due to the Web. These figures were seized on by Vote for the City Gardens Project during the referendum and printed as if they were factual in VftCGP literature.

PwC did quite handsomely from the consultation (£41100 in March 2010, for example), and might well have gained further work from SE, the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust or other involved party, had the Web gone ahead.

When questioned as to the appropriateness of their projections being used in an advertising campaign during the referendum, PwC declined to comment, saying the work had been done for ‘a private client’ – despite the taxpayer picking up the bill.

Had the reports using these figures to justify the Web included further background on the statistics used, and details of the money already paid to PwC? For purposes of transparency and accuracy, one would hope so.
See: PwC Invoices To Aberdeen Council

The report sealing the fate of Tullos Hill’s roe deer and many of its other former flora and fauna, was created by the City Council’s Peter Leonard, a senior civil servant in Housing, and by CJ Piper & Associates, an entity related to one Chris Piper, the man who stood to gain tens of thousands of pounds if Phase 2 of the Tree for Every Citizen scheme went ahead.

The report is riddled with bias, not least of which is the assertion that objections to the cull came from a ‘small but vociferous minority’. In reality, 2,500 people signed a petition handed to Aileen Malone, and three community councils representing tens of thousands of citizens, and animal charities including Animal Concern Advice Line and Scottish SPCA condemned the cull.

Piper made some £44000 from the tree scheme. Should the report have noted his obvious financial interest? Definitely.
See: Piper Report re. Tullos Hill: Page 48

It would be bad enough if this kind of bias was an isolated event; it is not. We recently saw a report concluding that elected councillors were treating the city’s administration in a ‘bullying’ manner. The report also claims that councillors don’t fully understand what the administration does.

It is wholly one-sided, despite its assertions to the contrary. If it had been thorough, it surely would have picked up on the many failings of the unelected senior administration, such as the dubious reports going out from their departments.

Councillors on committees will all tell you that they have to make their votes based on the reports before them – reports that are almost all prepared by the administration. Most of these reports are required to adhere to values which have all but lost their meaning. Reports have to relate to ‘vibrant and dynamic’ aspirations, have to prove the programme in question will deliver ‘value for money’, and so on.

From national ‘sexed up’ reports to those on local issues, information given to those who have to vote on their contents must become more accurate and details of any consultants employed and those involved in preparation must be included in the contents.

At present, Aberdeen’s reporting system relies on a formula which is far from perfect.

There is always an opening section which requires the writer to say whether or not the proposal fits with ‘vibrant/dynamic’ and other archaic criteria. The report writer is supposed to indicate whether or not there are financial implications. In many cases, the financial implications are overlooked.

For instance, we were promised that the Tree for Every Citizen scheme was ‘cost neutral’. Even when the primary report’s author Pete Leonard surely realised the scheme was not cost neutral (ie when the £43800 refund was demanded for the failure of Phase I and when no sponsors came forward to pay for Phase 2 and its deer cull), no correction was publicly issued or sent to councillors on the Housing Committee.

The failures are mounting up.

Perhaps it is time for report writers to pay less heed to the existing report framework’s demands for rhetoric about ‘vibrancy’ and the like, and be required to ensure that all future reports include a form along these lines:

Preparers

Internal Preparers

Author(s)
Editor(s) (if any changes made to original author’s report)

External Preparers

Name
Company
Company type: (sole trader, limited company, PLC)
Company registration no

Conflict of Interest Issues

Financial
Fee paid for assistance, consultancy, preparation of this report to date
Any additional fee to be paid specific to this report
Is there any likelihood the external preparer will be hired for further assistance if this report and/or its recommendations is accepted?
Estimate of the extent of further earnings the preparer could earn from acceptance of this report and/or its recommendations

Other

Does this report contain any statement or input from a political party or politicians?
If so, have other parties been offered an opportunity to give their input?
Does the author, editor or preparer have any personal interest in the issues contained in the report?

Exclusions

Has the editor deleted any substantial part or parts of the original report? (if so, these must be listed)
Does this report cover all of the known, relevant factors pertaining to the issues?

Until we can rely on the information in the reports going to our elected officials, and the impartiality of those involved in preparing them, we will continue to have a flawed system subject to abuse. It’s time for a ‘vibrant and dynamic’ overhaul of our city’s reporting standards – if not the country’s.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 100: Faith, Hope & Charity

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 17 Responses »

Oct 262012

Another week of fun and games have passed. Old Susannah was pleased to have attended a few nice dinners, and enjoyed a few nice BrewDogs.

Malone is synonymous with quality, elegance, good taste and beauty. Jo Malone that is. A lovely champagne and canapes event was enjoyed by a few dozen people this past Wednesday in their Aberdeen showroom, and I’ve got a few lovely new colognes and candles.

As to the other, slightly less fragrant local Malone, Aileen must be pleased as punch that the ‘Tree for Every Citizen’ scheme has won an award! More on that later.

I am also very grateful indeed to have now made it to 100 columns.

There never seems to be a shortage of things to write about in our city, shire and country. Just when you think you have seen it all (from seagulls stealing crisps from newsagents to men getting their heads stuck in rubbish bins), something even more preposterous comes along.

The virtues of our former council and its employees, our Independence woad-warrior First Minister, some of our worthy citizens and even Japan have been inspiring me with their virtues of late. Faith, Hope and Charity are considered to be among the most noble of virtues. Let’s see where they fit in with this week’s developments.

Faith: (noun) An unswerving loyalty to a cause or religion, trust in a person, group or religion, often where there is no hard evidence or logic to support taking such a position.

I guess we all need a little more faith, particularly in our leaders and those who want our money for charity.

To start with, we should take it on faith that Alex Salmond did/did not take legal advice over the legal aspects of an independent Scotland and the EU. He definitely did/did not say anything of the kind. He also did/did not spend taxpayer money trying to thwart a Freedom of Information Request which would have shown he did/did not take legal advice. Hope that’s cleared things up.

When Japan had a catastrophic tsunami event some while back, like many others, I sent money in good faith, believing that the money was going to be used to help those affected by this natural disaster. Thankfully, there was so much money left over that the Japanese government was able to take a million or two and put it to the very charitable use of a PR campaign to smear the Sea Shepherd.

Now the Sea Shepherd is an irritating vessel and crew that try to stop scientific progress. They are interfering with Japan’s scientific reasearch programme on whales and dolphins which involves scientifically harpooning the creatures and eating them, and/or selling them to aquariums, where the lucky dolphins and whales can be scientifically taught how to jump through hoops for food.

We just saw the annual slaughter (a fairly recent event really – don’t believe the hype this goes back hundreds of years – it’s new, hip and trendy) of about 50-60 marine mammals in Japan’s Taji Cove. Bothersome protestors tried to monitor and deter the event.

Perhaps those who enjoy seeing animals perform in aquariums might like going along to Taji next year? It is after all what they’re supporting when they pay to go to dolphin and whale shows.

I’m thinking of sending Japan some more money now, to help with the science, you know. You gotta have Faith.

There is, by the way, a Japan Facebook page, extolling the more pleasant aspects of the country. Alas, it no longer allows me to make posts.

Some guy named Richard posted a comment on the Japan page to the effect of ‘shut up about the bloody dolphins (I guess they were bloody by then, having just been killed in a tiny cove they had been held captive in for weeks) – posting about stuff on Facebook is stupid and doesn’t do any good.’

Richard of course decided to share his wisdom about the futility of making posts on Facebook by… making a post on Facebook. I hear he may look for a job in the BiG Partnership.

Hope: (noun) An absence of despair, a belief that something good will happen.

Hope is likewise a great virtue. When the old Council had Aileen Malone running the Housing & Environment committee, it was hoped she’d do a great job. Result. She, Ranger Ian Tallboys and Pete Leonard very much hoped that no one would realise there was a deer cull attached to their excellent ‘tree for every citizen scheme’ when the consultation to the public was open; they also hoped no one would notice they didn’t mention the cull at the time.

They definitely hoped private companies would come forward with money, but strangely enough, no one wanted their brand linked to slaughtered deer.

One of their hopes has come true: Princess Anne is shown in a lovely photo this week in the local news, giving Ian Tallboys… a certificate! I always thought he was certifiable. Can honours in the New Year be far away for Talltales, HoMalone and Pete? I know I hope so.

However, I hope no one will be writing to the Princess’ secretary, giving full details of this amazing scheme, such as the 2,500 people who signed a petition against the cull, the scheme’s financial accounts, the fact the city let Chris Piper write a report which in effect recommended giving him loads of dosh for killing our deer, and the fact that a few thousand less trees than promised were planted on Tullos.

The authorities claim there is little remaining rubbish in the soil.

It should be noted that the ‘tree for every citizen’ scheme is nearly as scientific as Japan’s whaling programme. It started with a LibDem election pledge which was a soundbite (A tree for every citizen! Genius!) Then, per one of Tallboy’s scientific powerpoint reports, one of the challenges was…. to figure out where to put all these trees.

Soundbite first, reality second. Did it matter we lost a meadow and a herd of nearly tame, dearly-loved deer? Not in the least.

I hope no one will be sending the latest photos which prove the exposed ground is basically a pile of rocks with lots of trash mixed through it, and the place is now an absolute shambles.

Here’s hoping nothing will spoil this great triumphant moment of success.

As Ian Tallboys put it:

“It is great news that the hard work of everyone involved is now being recognised on the national stage.”

As I am fond of saying: Result! I will do all I can to ensure they get the recognition they deserve.

Charity: (noun) the act of giving assistance, whether financial or practical, to those in need.

The Aberdeen Cyrenians, a charity for the homeless was just one of many local charities to have its budgets slashed by the Kate Dean adminstration back in the good old days. Rather than working to collect some £11 million of bad debt, and manage things wisely, we cut down on wasteful charities. Quite right too.

Thankfully we have since been more selective in what charities we give money to – or at least the previous administration did. I can announce for those of you who didn’t know that Aberdeen City generously gave £22,245.00 to a great cause in November 2011. This amount was for an ‘Enterpreneur / Enterprise Education Pilot’.

Was the money requested by some grass roots group with little resources? Perhaps by a local charity with no means of its own? Was it a group that needed money for this pilot more than the other charities which had funding slashed recently?

wood-family-trust-get-22-k-from-acc-nov-11

Indeed. Yes, this money was paid by the taxpayer to The Wood Family Trust. You know, the people who brought you – well, nearly brought you – the Granite Web.

You might be wondering what kind of a charity the Trust is. So am I. As we know, billionaire Sir Ian promised to give £50 million in aid to Africa if we didn’t want the web. I am sure Africa will be getting this much needed aid any second. When the Wood Family Trust shortly reveals its next audited accounts as charities must, I’m sure all will be clear.

They seem to do a great deal of work in Rwanda, and have partnership of some sort with the Sainsbury organisation to do so. Now you may have read of Rwanda’s AIDS epidemic and the problems of AIDS being passed to children.

( Click On The Picture to Enlarge. )

Perhaps you think of its early mortality rates, and the genocide which plagued the land, and the povery that most people live in. The Wood Family Trust is going to change all of that – by improving how Rwanda landowners grow and market tea.

There is an old saying, ‘give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach him to fish, and he’ll never go hungry.’ I think this needs an update, and I might suggest: ‘give a man a better way to grow tea on his land, and the wealth will trickle down to the neediest members of that society – or not.’

Charities get all sorts of amazing tax breaks; some of the more cynical among us might ask questions of some charities. What do they actually do? Who or what problem are they helping? Do they have many people on board who earn over £50k per year?

If they have millions of pounds, how much is actually going on direct charitable work for others? Are they asking for taxpayer money which then means other charities, schools, the elderly or people with special needs must go without? Good thing we’re not cynical and have faith in charities.

Are all charities not for profit? Not exactly. For instance there is a charitable trust based in the tax haven of Lichtenstein run by a banking group. A nice little wheeze was recently exposed when an accountant was jailed for a £5 million pound tax evasion scam – which he’d apparently skimmed off those clients he was helping.

Basically, a few worthless shares were artifically pumped up and over valued. These shares were sold to charities, and donated / moved on. In a complex scheme, the ‘charities’ were able to claim the price difference back and got gift aid as well, while getting tax relief. Maybe we should all go into the charity business.

Next week: more little gems I uncovered while looking through last year’s invoices – including some Milne invoices, and a BiG surprise. Cheerio!

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 97: It’s An Ill Wind

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 4 Responses »

Oct 042012

Old Susannah looks back on another exciting week in the Deen, even if there was no mass protest by 60 or so members of the Cove Rangers/HoMalone/Kate Dean/boys with megaphones collective. By Suzanne Kelly.

Common Good Aberdeen launched an initiative to put swings and play equipment In Union Terrace Gardens; I wish them well with that.

Old Susannah secured a ticket to the premier of the Led Zeppelin concert film ‘Celebration Day’, and is counting the hours. BrewDog’s competition to create a beer cocktail is, however, taking up most of my spare time. So far my creations run from to absolutely undrinkable to pretty awful.

Still, the contest closes on 8 October, so there is still some chance I’ll come up with something acceptable. Win or lose, it’s been a lot of fun trying.

That nice Mr Milne is busy starting his new housing estate on the formerly open lands in Cove/Charleston. Someone is building right on the main road by the Cove Bay Roundabout.

It might not be a great location for playing footie with the kids, but those overhead power lines and transformers will make for some entertaining kite-flying experiences, I’m sure.

I visited Tullos Hill this past Monday, and the place is a complete, well, ‘sotter’ is the word that springs to mind. What few mature trees there were are now diminished in number; some uprooted, some with very badly broken limbs.

Raised earth filled with rock and rubble is apparent everywhere, and the areas where gorse was cleared, where once animals lived, are now just dead zones. Well done everyone! And don’t worry. The Housing Committee may be done with this scheme, but the opposition still wants to see some justice done, and is working on it.

And now for a few relevant definitions.

Wind Power: (compound noun, English) the strength of the wind whether harnessed or not, the potential energy from wind

The Donald’s back! Donald Trump, celebrity, international superstar, business Moghul, and pin-up breezed into town this week. He’s blowing hot and cold over his new development – will he finish it? Can it still be the world’s greatest golf course if there are turbines offshore?

Don probably just thought that since Alex Salmond fell into line over a few expensive dinners, the rest of the Scots would fall as easily.

We should ignore our other developing renewable energy technologies and just build as many wind farms as we can.

However, it seems some pesky Scots aren’t doing as he wishes, despite the Donald’s granny being from Skye or something. Yes, we might well put up windfarms along the coast, ruining the view for the hordes of millionaires and slebs who want to golf all year round at the world’s most grating – sorry, ‘world’s greatest’ golf course.

I must have missed the part where all these rich people and pro golfers said they simply would not come because of the wind farms. I’m sure they are all at home in the south of France, California, Maui, etc. picking out their thermal golf clothes for when they come in February to play along the North Sea at Balmedie. The wind farms will ruin the Scottish economy if we are allowed to build them where rich folk can see them.

On the other hand, why wait until the technology is perfected – let’s just build windfarms everywhere right now. Just because every one of humankind’s past prototype inventions have all been miniaturised, made more efficient and cheaper doesn’t mean that windfarms will improve as well.

Never mind the science/technology/impacts/economics: there is a tax break to be had (even if it is just a little expensive to get the electricity onto the grid). We should ignore our other developing renewable energy technologies and just build as many wind farms as we can.

If only we could harness Trump’s hot air – that would solve all our energy needs. Still, let’s make sure we put all our eggs into the wind farm basket, take those tax breaks, and ensure the whole countryside and seaside are covered with them. What could possibly go wrong with a scheme that has the Government’s backing?

Culture of Yes: (Scottish Enterprise phrase, modern jargon) Campaign to help Scottish businesses grow, and er, just say ‘yes’

Please forgive Old Susannah for bringing up the ‘Culture of Yes’ – for you will all already know about it and be on board with it. After all, no less a person than Bob Collier of the Aberdeen Chamber of Commerce wrote about it in the June 2012 Business Bulletin. I can’t wait from month to month for my new copy of the Bulletin to arrive, and I am sure you all feel the same.

Bob describes in loving terms how £750,00,000 per annum Scottish Enterprise has come up with a new slogan, ‘Culture of Yes’ (how much did that cost us, I wonder). Without this new Culture of Yes, how else would businesses be able to expand, try new markets, and keep going? Exactly.

You see, it’s important in business to have a ‘can do’ rather than a ‘can’t do’ attitude. I hope I’ve not shocked you too much with this revelation. As Bob writes:-

“…this recession will end when we want it to – when attitudes change – and this should help to advance that process.”

Alas! The web has ceased to be. It is an ex-web.

And here I was thinking the recession was about American toxic mortgage products, bad debts, loans that shouldn’t have been made, manipulation of LIBOR, EU policies, austerity in Spain, Italy, Greece… Wrong! The recession is only about attitudes being bad.

Sadly, I missed Bob’s November 2009 offering in the Bulletin, but he quotes from it for the benefit of those who don’t have the full back issues saved at home. To save you looking through your collection of Bulletins, here’s what he had to say:-

“In my Chamber Viewpoint in November 2009, under a piece headed “no but, yes, but, no…” and taking my inspiration from Vicky Pollard [you don’t say!] I argued: “We’ve all got the choice to be ‘No But’ or ‘Yes But’. There is always a ‘but’ – life is complicated and agreement takes effort.

“But we have a fundamental choice to make. … So we respond on your behalf with “yes but’ to AWPR, Trump, EOWDC, City Gardens and many other positive investments for the region. Our support is considered, and our constructive engagement improves good developments. This is an approach which many in Aberdeen City and Shire would do well to remember when they consider the choices they are given to say ‘yes’ – but that’s another story.”

I am sure you are feeling as inspired as I am by the above. How good of the Chamber of Commerce to have said ‘yes’ to the City Gardens on behalf of its members! Not all businesses in the CoC backed the City Garden Project, but those ‘no-sayers’ were obviously just being negative.

Of course with Bob Collier who wrote the above also sitting pretty with Tom Smith on one or two little organisations with a strong interest in the project going ahead, the CoC was always going to say ‘yes’ to the web.

Alas! The web has ceased to be. It is an ex-web. Despite the pretty much unveiled threat above (“many in Aberdeen City and Shire would do well to remember…”) to vote ‘yes’, it was just not meant to be. All of the plotting, redacted minutes, hidden votes from the shortlisted design show, now all for nothing. And as Bob concluded this little article of his

“What goes around, comes around.”

Bob, on that point I can only agree.

Old Susannah must leave it a bit short this week; there are BrewDog beer cocktails to be invented. Be that as it may, I’ll be heading to One Up Records over the weekend.

Support your local music shop. A variety of forces to do with people illegally sharing music, piracy, cost of CDs, business rates, competition from chain stores, digital downloads, etc. make it difficult to run a music store. Then again, Bob Collier thinks the recession is all down to attitude. To that I’d say ‘no but no but no.’ Anyway – g’wan – go pre-order the Zeppelin CD, DVD, whatever.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 96 – Some Naked Truths

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 2 Responses »

Sep 262012

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s event’s in the ‘Deen and beyond in her quest to expose the uncovered even at risk of getting under the skin. By Suzanne Kelly.

Footdee was transformed into an Ibiza foam party this week. Trees and bits of tree were trashed by the wind. Old Susannah wonders how those 89,000 trees planted on Tullos hill are doing.

They may be too small to be toppled by the wind just yet, but that was exactly the kind of weather that will be strong enough to knock them over in a few years’ time. The soil matrix is poor, according to the Forestry Commission’s soil report.

Thankfully it doesn’t rain or get windy in Aberdeen very often, so I’m sure the trees won’t have any problem at all.

The gusts this week knocked over trees and battered cars, but fear not, they weren’t severe enough to spoil Aileen Malone’s hairstyle, which was fetchingly lacquered in place.

Last Saturday she was adding glamour to the 45-minute demo, in a fetching off-white suit. I’d have thought she’d be in a hunting outfit.

They say that ‘size isn’t everything’ and that ‘length doesn’t matter’. Clearly the few at Saturday’s protest against Aberdeen City Council concurred. There were around 70 (I’m being generous) people protesting against Aberdeen City Council for 45 minutes.

You might have thought it was an outdoor rave: ex-councillor Kate Dean was trendily dressed in fetching leggings and a Cove Bay Rangers supporters’ top. I guess this further illustrates that she has no ties to the club which might have remotely prejudiced her handling of the Loirston Loch planning hearing.

Financially or otherwise, someone who might be biased towards one side or another of a hearing isn’t supposed to be the convener, as previously detailed. Anyway, Old Susannah showed up to watch the demo, with a friend and a doggie, and had a chat to some media acquaintances. They were most amused that they’d shown up in the middle of a weekend to cover a demo supposedly by four or five hundred, to find instead between sixty to eighty people, including infants and toddlers.

I learnt a few new vocabulary words from some of these hacked off hacks, but best we don’t define those.

Aileen Malone, councillor, protesting against the council. Hmm. Presumably she was protesting against the amiable Martin Greig, Lib Dem, who voted against borrowing £90 million or so for granite walkways. It will be interesting to find out how this move by HoMalone will be viewed by her current party members and by other sitting councillors. And we shall.

Tom Smith wrote a heart-wrenching, or perhaps ‘stomach-wrenching’, letter to the P&J in response to a letter by one Dr. Howard Gemmell. Dr Gemmell was disappointed that the city has been split over the UTG situation, and the lack of Wood’s/ACSEF’s willingness to compromise.

There are some absolutely charming comments on the petition which Wood might enjoy

Smith doesn’t seem to agree that there was unwillingness to compromise. I guess he missed all of Sir Ian’s statements to the effect that it was his way or no way, it was the Web or nothing, and if he couldn’t have his Web he’d send the £50 million to help Africans.

Old Susannah started a petition, now with about 175 signatories, asking Wood to honour his February pledge and send the money to do good in Africa instead of getting rid of the city’s lungs. There are some absolutely charming comments on the petition which Wood might enjoy; it can be found at http://www.gopetition.com/sir-ian-send-your-50m-to-africa

Smith goes on to say ‘there is no strident political campaign by business or Aberdeen City Garden Trust.’ So before getting on to this week’s themes, here is one non-related definition first:

Strident: (Eng. adjective) Characterised by harsh, loud, aggressive noise or commotion.

ACSEF? Aberdeen City Gardens Trust? Big Partnership and 300-plus radio adverts? The letter signed by a hundred businessmen complaining that without a Web we’re doomed? Strident, these guys? Never! I’ve never seen a more refined, elegant polite request to hand control of public, Common Good land over to a private company before.

A member of the royal family playing games in the nude. A member of the royal family sunbathing in private. Another royal, Lady Gaga, accused of being ‘fat’. The naked rambler’s naked ambition. Kylie’s bottom, again. A host of issues have made the nude, sorry, news this week. Here are some relevant definitions to get to the bottom of things.

Right to Privacy: (mod. Eng.; law) The right of an individual not to endure surveillance, be harassed, photographed, recorded, etcetera, as guaranteed by EU Human Rights law, unless there is a legal reason or a journalistic need to expose truth in the public interest.

Apparently, Individuals’ right to privacy is guaranteed in the European Convention on Human Rights. Journalists however are able to collect and reveal information if it is in the public interest to do so. Smash criminal gangs? Expose illegal activities? These are the kind of things the old-fashioned investigative reporter used to get up to.

But why risk danger, spend ages researching topics, and wind up with a story buried deep in a newspaper if it’s printed at all? After all, not all papers are interested in exposing truths. I wish I could think of an example or two of this.. All you need is a long, long telephoto lens, a decent camera, some recording equipment, and you’ll be in the tabloids earning lots of dosh with little effort. Result.

A newspaper can print a story if it has not been illegally obtained, and if it is definitely in the public interest to print it. This obviously means we need nude photos of the royal family. What could be more in the public interest than that? Perhaps a certain young man was foolish in the extreme to have had a wild US holiday captured in snapshots.

It’s a pity there weren’t any older, wiser professional people around him to stop photos being taken without spoiling the fun, or at least to ensure that the young man was fully aware of the consequences. If there had been any such experienced, sober professionals around, this particular upset could easily have been avoided. Good on the Sun for printing the photos.

It’s not as if the Sun is in any way an opportunistic paper that will do anything for money. Beloved of those caught up in Hillsborough, and celebrities and politicians who may have been hacked, thank goodness we’ve got the Sun.

However, a female member of the Royal family was sunbathing at a private French chateau when she was photographed topless. Who could I be referring to? She was photographed by someone with a long lens who was apparently standing nearly half a mile away. She had a reasonable expectation of privacy, and it was taken away from her. Result! More public interest photos!

Whether or not you are a fan of the royal family, celebrities, sports people, politicians, all these groups of people are contributing by helping our kindly, intrepid newshounds to make a dignified living. But the stories wouldn’t be as much fun without photos…

Paparazzi: (Italian, plural noun) Packs of journalists and photographers who follow famous people around, looking for photo opportunities and stories to sell to tabloids and cheap magazines.

The paparazzi have done a great job so far, and they couldn’t keep it up without people buying magazines.

Whether it’s a drunk singer getting out of a car showing underwear or skin, whether it’s an ageing Peter Falk aka Colombo in California being literally chased by a pack of news hounds (the poor man was old; he was upset and confused when cornered and photographed), or a celebrity’s child going to school, all are fair game for the paparazzi.

After all, everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame, or so I am told, and ‘all publicity is good publicity’. The famous should be grateful that the ever-attentive photographers trail their every move, spying on them, their family and friends.

If you’re famous enough, your accidental death may likewise get a good set of photographers recording it. You’ll be most grateful I’m sure. Old Susannah thought that there was a law and a code or two stopping the exploitation and hounding of celebrities, but apparently there aren’t.

So, keep on buying those mags. Find out who’s been seen cheating on whom, who got drunk, what colour underwear they had on. Most importantly, keep buying these worthy news periodicals to find out crucial things like who looks too fat or too skinny.

Body Image: (Mod. Eng. psychological term) The mental picture we have of what we look like to ourselves and the rest of the world.

Anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders were once a comparative rarity confined to teenage girls. However, people of all sexes and ages are suffering these days in increasing numbers. The problem? Who knows. It’s certainly nothing to do with paparazzi and the celebrity mag. It is mere coincidence that any star in a bikini or ‘revealing outfit’ is immediately deemed to be too thin or more likely too fat by the press.

For one thing, the camera adds ten pounds to us all, or at least that’s my excuse. For another, we’re saturated in images of people who are close to physical perfection, because they’ve been airbrushed. Somehow, when someone doesn’t look quite as tall and thin in real life as in their movie poster, the press is free to speculate whether they have ‘cellulite’. And ageing is definitely a no-no. Botox to that.

There is obviously no link between the media obsessing over every inch of a celeb’s body and other people wondering if they are beautiful or not. Any link between people binge eating or starving themselves has nothing to do with this tiny societal pressure to be perfect.

Lady Gaga, it is being claimed, has no right to any privacy. So her ex pa claims in a New York law suit. I think Gaga might beg to differ. She has recently posed in a bikini as a response to people saying she’d got fat. As a teenager she suffered eating disorders.

It is almost as if she thinks her music is somehow more important than what she looks like. But here’s the thing: just because someone poses for a photo when there is a photo call or an event on, does it mean they should be photographed in their private time? Of course it does!

Thankfully girls have many positive role models. There is Jordan for instance. Buying quantities of silicone, taking your clothes off, and having a ghost writer are what we want our young girls aspire to.

Exposure: (Eng; crime) exposing oneself wilfully, for instance to young children or in public.

In Aberdeen, a man was spared jail this week. He continues to go out in public and expose himself to young children. What a freedom fighter! Just like our friend, the Naked Rambler.

You might think Old Susannah would rush to defend the Naked Rambler’s right to be naked wherever and whenever he wants. Absolutely!

The thing is, other people’s rights not to be disturbed by the Rambler exposing himself aren’t as important as his right to be naked. He was recently asked to stay clear of a children’s play area when he was naked. He refused. What a hero!

There is a silly old saying ‘your right to swing your arm ends where my nose begins’. Surely this doesn’t apply to our naked freedom fighter. So what if something like one in five women can expect to have some kind of sexual assault in their lifetime? Why shouldn’t this nude guy be free to make people wary of a potential attack? Why should anyone have the right to keep their child from seeing him?

An American criminal legal professional I know brought up the subject of crime and nudity once, it was one of those conversations. She said that in her years of court experience there were usually only two reasons a man shows up naked somewhere: one is because they intend a sexual assault; the other is because they are going to kill someone and don’t want to get blood on their clothes. But let’s just let everyone go around naked, shall we? How can that lead to any intimidation or discomfort?

Sadly, we don’t live in an innocent, nice world any more. Some say we never did. By the way, the Naked Rambler has two children by one of his ex-partners. She asked him to keep his clothes on to visit his young children and he refused point blank. Now that’s truly heroic, sacrificing your children’s right to a father so that you can get naked.

Confidential to ‘Forgetful of Bucksburn’: Sorry you forgot about all the charming posts you put on Facebook extolling the various good points of the EDL. If you need any reminders of what you wrote, just let Old Susannah know. I’ve got screenshots saved and backed up, and I’ll be happy to refresh your memory.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 95: Sense of Humour Fail

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 2 Responses »

Sep 212012

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and further beyond ( including the murky depths of ‘local’ cyberspace ). By Suzanne Kelly.

Across Aberdeen this past week most of us have enjoyed the last warm(ish) days of summer, and the sunny days and early evenings. Others have been glued to their computers waging a curious battle over a protest planned for tomorrow (Saturday 22nd September).

In the quest to win new friends and influence people, the ‘Protest Against Aberdeen City Council’ Facebook pages have entertained a wide variety of opinions, and a wide spectrum of humour (I am using the term ‘humour’ loosely).

Somewhere between 12 and 500 people will appear at 1pm tomorrow in front of the Marischal College building (which will be deserted, as it’s Saturday), to protest against Aberdeen City Council, Labour, and the death of the granite web.

An interesting report is to go before the Audit Committee soon; it is by an independent reporter who finds that both the councillors and the officers of Aberdeen City Council need to think about how they interact.

Anyone who read about this report in the Press & Journal would have been shedding tears, assuming this bullying was 100% by mean councillors against poor but honest officers. Indeed. More on that later.

But the real talk of the whole country is around the most fundamental question of all, which is dividing the Scottish nation, setting brother against brother, and causing an affa bother: is the deep-fried Mars bar a national treasure or not? Earlier on, the Mars company reportedly disowned the creation; other sources later claimed the Mars business had embraced the calorific snack.

This crucial question will no doubt be the subject of several independent consultations, a referendum, Holyrood debate, health & safety analysis, a PR campaign by the BiG partnership featuring Morris the Monkey, and more than a few bar room fights.

Some people claim that the original, unadorned Mars bar was good enough as it was, and should be retained. Others claimed it wasn’t 21st century enough unless it was covered with a web of deep fried flour and grease. Not since Culloden has such bickering been seen in this part of the world. Old Susannah hopes resolution is possible.

There have been a few amusing news stories across the UK as well.

Just tell that to your boss next time you need a few grand on your company’s credit card; I’m sure they won’t mind

Seems some of those nice people at Scottish Enterprise have been very enterprising indeed. Old Susannah never realised what a generous employer SE was, but it is kindly allowing staff to take SE credit cards and take out nice big, fat juicy cash advances (in a variety of currencies), and paying the amounts back as and when.

As a taxpayer, I’m so pleased we can help out the less fortunate SE employee with the odd £10K loan or two. It’s alright though, as the employees always intended to pay the money back. Just tell that to your boss next time you need a few grand on your company’s credit card; I’m sure they won’t mind.

It’s almost as if proper financial controls were not working 100% at SE – which is a bit unfortunate in such a tiny organisation; they still operate on a mere £750,000,000 or so per annum (much of which is salary – which Old Susannah finds difficult to reconcile with the cash advances the cash-strapped staff seem to need).

And in England, a woman has been sentenced for hijacking a ferry boat, telling her pursuers ‘I’m Jack Sparrow!’ and sailing away until finally caught.

Readers will find it hard to believe, but she was high on drink and belladonna (deadly nightshade to you and me, which is quite poisonous). I prefer the odd BrewDog and crisps, myself. After two days of drink and hallucinogens, she felt ill for some reason or other, and called the paramedics.

When they arrived she was, naturally enough, on a moored ferry boat, as you do. She ‘didn’t mean to untie the craft, but the ropes kept getting under her feet’. Fair enough – could have been any of us really. The ferry boat’s owner told the BBC this incident was a:-

“total one-off bizarre incident which we have never experienced before”.

Old Susannah should hope so, too.

I’m afraid the definitions this week do involve the web; don’t worry – this too shall pass.

Carrot or the Stick: (English saying) to offer an inducement – reward and/or sanction to gain support or agreement.

Any movement needs to recruit new members. Those nice Scientology people give out free books on Oxford Street, and tell you how clever you are. Next thing you know, you’re married to Tom Cruise and waiting for the mothership. The Moonies used to give out flowers; various missionaries would trade a square meal in exchange for preaching at you.

The Friends of Union Terrace Gardens and Common Good Aberdeen – two forces with the same ultimate goal of saving UTG from development have web presences, hold meetings, and hold the odd demo or two. New members and the curious are welcome.

Speaking of odd demos, there is a group called ‘Protest against Aberdeen City Council’ holding the demonstration I mentioned before, taking place tomorrow. They too have a web page and embrace open debate. And what a debate it has been.

The finest minds in all of Scotland’s past pale into insignificance against the rhetoric, logic, self-restraint and persuasive skills of a small number of the posters on this page. I’m surprised we’ve not all been convinced the web’s the way to go by this bunch.

The page’s administrator, who apparently lives in the United States, has allowed a wide raft of comments to go unmoderated, which I’m sure doesn’t mean they are encouraging trolls at all.

Usually when you want someone to come around to your way of thinking, you offer them some reason to do so – the proverbial carrot and the stick. The Big Partnership, recently rendered silent on the topic of the web, used both the carrot and the stick to get us to join the granite web fanclub.

There is an explanation of why the English Defence League has nothing to do with hate or violence

The carrots were ‘build the web and 6,500 new jobs appear’, ‘two hundred million pounds will magically flow into the city annually until the year 2023 (not 2022 or 2024 – 2023) AND the added incentive that Morris the Monkey and Jake the Ghost want the web convinced us in the thousands.

The sticks used to try and beat us into submission?

‘No one will come to Aberdeen’, ‘we’ll look silly if we don’t take Ian’s £50 million and do what he says with it’ and ‘people will think Aberdeen is ‘closed for business.’

I always liked this last ‘closed for business’ argument. It was supposed to make me think of a vibrant and dynamic shopping mall, doing lots of business. Instead, it made me think of an indiscriminate callgirl who would do anything with anyone if the price was right.

How are the ‘Protest against Aberdeen’s’ members and posters winning hearts and minds? Reasoned argument? Supplying facts and figures? Welcoming newcomers? Parrying dissent with rapier-like wit and friendly banter? Absolutely!

Please do go and visit this page yourself – it has all the relevant facts you need to know to make an informed decision to support the web. These include colourful postings such as the following:-

* There is an explanation of why the English Defence League has nothing to do with hate or violence;

* there is a woman being insulted because of her looks;

* there is a man who says he’s no longer onside with the protest because of the abusive comments made by protest supporters – so he’s attacked as being a ‘plant’;

* a man who was abused as a child is asked if he was ‘a little sh*t who deserved a clip ‘round the ears’;

* there is a woman who ‘has it on good authority’ that all the bills the taxpayer has already picked up for the web were really somehow not paid by the city council (who the invoices were made out to), but Sir Ian really picked them up; and

* a hilarious joke about building a mosque on UTG (alas; Old Susannah is unable to appreciate the witticism or the point being made)

People against the web have in several instances risen to the bait and argued back. But whatever side of this issue you are on, have a look at the comments made by people like Sandy M, George S and others. They’ll have won you over with their carrots and sticks before you know it.

Readers of a sensitive disposition may, however, wish to stay well clear. https://www.facebook.com/events/456202784419418/

Cautionary Tale: (compound noun; English) A story intended to impart advice by showing someone else’s error.

This new Information Commissioner is taking no prisoners – well, actually she might be, as the police have been called in to enforce the law.

This kind of development in Aberdeenshire is extremely worrying! The local authority seems to have accidentally denied it had information and accidentally deleted the information it denied having. It was almost as if there was something to hide, and as if the law came second to what the local government mandarins wanted.

This story, covered in this past week’s Press & Journal (really) implies that Freedom of Information requests have to be answered with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Old Susannah is reassured that there won’t be any such issues here in our city.

Even if the Information Commissioner’s office is reportedly auditing the work our FOI office does, it’s not as if information has ever been withheld from me, or anyone else, is it? (Unless of course you count requests about Mr S Milne, the deer cull, cost of Marischal college…)

Pre-emptive strike: (compound noun; English) a form of defence or deflecting attention by attacking one’s opponent first.

Well, a report going to the Audit Committee next week seems to imply that councillors had in the recent past not been treating officers courteously and had asked difficult questions. Naughty!

No real naming and shaming was done. I hope no councillors asked awkward questions of Pete Leonard for instance. Mean councillors in the past may have asked him why he kept representing that the deer-culling, tree-planting scheme was completely cost neutral, even though he knew for months that phase one failed, and ACC had to repay £43,800 for the dead trees.

He recently tried to deflect this irritating fact by reportedly saying £43,800 referred to something in the 1990s. Just because the money was paid in March 2011, when he was saying the great scheme was cost neutral to the Housing Committee, is no reason to think he wasn’t accurate or completely open, is it?

A cynic could think this report’s suggestions that councillors should show more deference to officers like Leonard is a pre-emptive strike. Did the report authors know about all the assorted little machinations of Leonard and his ilk? I’d love to know. At least one person must have come out of this untarnished: the softly-spoken, always calm and rational Gerry Brough, kindly volunteer to the City Gardens Project.

Now that this report has come out, I hope city councillors will be warned by this pre-emptive strike not to ask any tough questions! Hope that’s settled then.

And there we leave it for now.

Next week: I will attempt again to escape from the granite web – unless Zoe finally writes back about those CGP radio ads, promising us the web for free. Will keep you posted.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Older Entries Newer Entries