Aug 042011
 

Old Susannah looks back at the week that was and wonders who’s up to what and why.  By Suzanne Kelly.

Tartan Day.   

 A few impressive pipe bands, some knights in armour, and the Lord and Lady Provost paying tribute to the legacy of William Wallace.   Wallace famously fought for independence for his people against the rich and powerful tyrants of the day, who thought they were above the law.

You might say Wallace took ‘direct action’ to extremes.  How pleased he would have been to think our Provost and Council uphold the principles for which he was hung, drawn and quartered.

His statue of course overlooks the remains of the historic Denburn Valley, known to you and me as Union Terrace Gardens: also known to Wood and Milne as a cashcow.  How exactly the Wallace monument will look adjacent to any of the mysterious, unexplained, undisclosed £140 million pound proposals will be anyone’s guess.  

No doubt we will wind up with something that sensitively ‘connects’ the Victorian park to the impressive granite architecture.  In short expect glass, concrete, parking spaces and a monorail platform.  I suppose we could always take Wallace down and sell him for scrap metal to help with the UTG fundraising.  He’d have wanted it that way I am certain.

A few interesting titbits have been coming in from here and there.  Ms Valerie Watts showed up to speak to a Community Council Forum earlier this week, but she was unamused to be asked about the Tullos Hill roe deer cull.

Ms Watts also owes me a reply to a formal complaint on the whole Tullos issue; I’ve chased it up (again) today.

In fact the City is launching a PR offensive, and has offered to have officers present the tree proposal to community councils.  You might want to contact your council for details – the question and answer sessions (if any) alone should be worth showing up for.  We are told the community councils ‘only know what’s been in the media’, and don’t know the whole facts.

Media’s fault of course.  Nothing to do with the council not giving the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from the start of this great plan.  Of course if people wanted to write to Ms Watts to either support or reject the cull (or ask how the £43,800 ‘repayment’ was accidentally forgotten when I asked about it), all they have to do is drop an email to her at chiefexecutive@aberdeencity.gov.uk.

Feel free to ask any questions you want; but as a health and safety precaution, do not hold your breath until the answer arrives. At this rate we won’t get on with any definitions, so without any further ado, I will get stuck in.

Association of Community Councils

(noun) a collective body promoting the importance of community councils.  A not-for-profit body with the following aims  (well at least until it is culled next year):

  • “To encourage exchanges of information between Community Councils.
  • “To promote examples of best practice in the work of Community Councils
  • “To offer impartial and unbiased advice, training and information to Community Councils
  • “To facilitate communication between national bodies and Community Councils
  • “To preserve the independence of each Community Council
  • “To ascertain, collect, and express nationally, the views of Community Councils.
    From: http://www.ascc.org.uk/about

Unfortunately, it’s very, very expensive to run this Association.  It costs a massive £70,000 per year to run*, so obviously this forum for sharing ideas and experiences to strengthen community councils must be culled.

Aberdeen has its own unique way of dealing with community councils – it ignores them.  When it comes to consultations about deer, travellers, Union Terrace Gardens, closing schools or cutting services, our City Councillors generously take decisions without unduly burdening the elected community councillors.

Nigg Community Council was told, not asked, about the takeover of its park by Cove Bay Rangers football club (fan club president:  Ms Kate Dean).  They were told, not asked over the deer cull and the Loirston Loch stadium.  Just this week Nigg CC for some reason objected to a housing officer’s plans to throw Calder Park open to travellers for a few months.

What’s wrong with not being asked about this great plan in advance, I wonder?

This is all part of the City’s ‘consultation’ and ‘transparency’ drive.  Once the Association of Community Councils is gone, the Community Councils will be on their own.   In fact I’m surprised we haven’t had city councillors trying to kill off the community councils yet.  Some of these councils get nearly £3,000 a year or so to help people in their communities.

Perhaps it would be better to leave important matters to our tried and tested, honest, reliable, transparent, vibrant central government officials and councillors (well, the ones who keep out of jail and don’t get arrested for kerb crawling anyway.  Great minds like HoMalone, The Fletch and The Dean and so on).  I know I can barely get through a day on my own without their guidance.

The Association stood up for the community councils, shared best practice, shared experiences, and helped people (me directly for one) –  no wonder it had to go. 

*Note:   £70K doesn’t’ get you much these days.  Aberdeen’s ‘Change Manager’ earns £80,000 per  year. Scottish Enterprise costs some £750 million per year.  And ACSEF’s annual running costs?  No one knows for certain.

Streamline

(verb)  to abbreviate, shorten, abridge an object or procedure.

Central Government has recently announced it wants to ‘stop’ people creating future impediments to great projects like the AWPR.  The Loirston Loch stadium, being plunked in the heart of greenbelt land, never even got called in.

Time for more projects like the stadium to be ‘streamlined.’

You will have seen the dreadful news this week.  There was nothing sensationalist or alarmist in the Evening Express headline which told us in effect ‘Not building the AWPR costs £1 million per month’!  Absolutely shocking!  To think that people who don’t want this road built actually are standing up and using their legal rights to challenge it!  They even have the nerve to challenge the public/private funding mechanism the government wants to use to pay for the dream highway.

Obviously I believe it costs at least £1 million a month not to build the road – but you might want to have a look at what the Road Sense people think actually building the road will cost:-  http://www.road-sense.org/AWPR-MortgagingYourFuture.html .

I wouldn’t worry too much about their figures.  The road isn’t going to cost you a great deal of money.  However your children and their children’s cost for the road is another story, but like Scarlett O’Hara – with PPI financing, you can ‘worry about it tomorrow.’  Financially, it is as sensible as the funding plans for the ‘transformation’ of Union Terrace Gardens.

‘Streamlining’ planning applications can only be a good thing.

If anyone out there can figure out how much the AWPR has already cost in consultants and consultations, I’d really like to hear from you. Let’s be fair – there was a consultation.   A great big costly travelling consultation, with bells and whistles.

Of course the routes suggested in the very expensive consultation have nothing to do whatsoever with the road plans as they stand now, but let’s not split hairs. Money is very tight right now. We’ve got to cut corners (if we’re going to have the dosh to keep a couple of wars and our banks going).. The suggestion of ‘streamlining’ the justice system to get rid of pesky jury trials was a great idea – we may still get that one.

‘Streamlining’ planning applications can only be a good thing.

It is very reassuring to know that Alex Salmond is putting his mind to this worthy end.  We really should have made it easier for that nice Mr Trump from America to build the world’s greatest environmental disaster – sorry – golf course at Menie…  Look how much good it’s doing for everyone!  Jobs creations!  Tourists!  Holiday Homes!  Stabilised Sand dunes (my personal favourite).  So if we don’t immediately agree to start building the £191 million pound road (old estimate), then we are losing £1 million per month – if not per day!

This can’t go on.  I wouldn’t dare to question this statistic, as it was in print and must be accurate.  (By the way, assuming the costs haven’t risen from the £191 million, the new AWPR can be yours in only 16 years at £1 million per month – or twice that with PPI financing).

Let’s just start saying ‘yes’ to everything.  We have a government that wants to build as much stuff as it can, and it doesn’t want the likes of us to have to worry about the details.  I think they’re just trying to be helpful.  To someone.

Direct Action

(mod English noun)  form of protest where the protestors stage some kind of highly visible challenge to opponents, to call attention (especially media attention) to an issue or problem . 

This form of protest is increasingly popular with environmental and economic activists.  And it freaks the government out completely – which is totally wrong of course.

In a long-forgotten age, if your elected officials acted improperly or against the common good, you could write a letter and expect some form of answer.  If you didn’t get the answer you wanted, you could stage a protest march, get petitions signed, and so on.

It’s not as if our Government is scared of protestors.

If you still had no success with your cause in the good old days, you could take to the forests and rob the rich and give to the poor, or board a ship filled with tea from England and throw its contents into Boston Harbour.  Or have a revolution.

But no one ever remembers such events these days, and writing letters and starting petitions is much, well –safer.  Still, it’s a bit easier to ignore a petition than the Boston Tea Party.  Robin Hood is remembered as a hero, and King John the villain.  Who I wonder are our future heroes and villains?  Whose statues will be revered at the future Union Terrace car park and shopping mall?

It’s not as if our Government is scared of protestors.  If they were, they would have (for instance) put an undercover cop like Mr Mark Kennedy in place to spy on environmental protestors for seven years.  It does look like the poor policeman went ‘native’ in the end, and the courts did not think much of the police tactics used.

Such unwarranted police paranoia would never override principles of a democratic, free society.  But as the Met are not prepared to discuss this matter (even though it’s been all over the newspapers), we have to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Old Susannah will introduce ‘Just Do It’ next week at the Belmont; there will be discussion afterwards as well. 

‘Just Do It’ follows a group of environmental protestors as they meet their assorted targets and enemies head on. If you’re free on Friday 12 Aug at 6.30, please do come along.   I have had a preview of the film, and can promise it will raise a few interesting issues. (Rumours that the sale of deer antler headbands are about to go through the roof in Aberdeen are unconfirmed).

Aug 032011
 

Anthony Baxter takes time out again from promoting his film to update Aberdeen Voice readers.  Don’t look for the story in the Press & Journal.
Don’t look for any updates in the Evening Express.  Except for STV, Northsound, and of course the Voice – as far as the local press is concerned,
IT NEVER HAPPENED Now read on…

Traverse City, Michigan, USA:

The Scottish-made documentary ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ scooped its second major film festival award in as many months after clinching the Special Jury Prize at Michael Moore’s prestigious Traverse City Film  Festival, which has just drawn to a close in Michigan, USA. Oscar-winning director Moore was present for the awards at the City’s famous State Theatre – a renovated classic cinema dating back to 1916.

“This is a huge honour and we’re delighted to accept this award,” said Anthony Baxter.

Producer Richard Phinney also attended the ceremony – the filmmakers were among a record 100 brought to Michigan with the help of a grant to the festival from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences.

The festival was founded by Academy Award-winning Director Michael Moore, who runs the festival and serves as president of its board of directors.

Other board members are photographer John Robert Williams and New York Times best-selling author Doug Stanton, both Traverse City residents, and filmmakers Larry Charles (director, “Borat”), Terry George (director, “Hotel Rwanda”), Sabina Guzzanti (director, “Viva Zapatero!”), and Christine Lahti (actor, “Running on Empty”).

The 95-minute feature documentary You’ve Been Trumped tells the story of the American  tycoon Donald Trump building a golf course resort on one of Scotland’s last wilderness areas north of Aberdeen.

Branded ‘a failure’ by the Trump Organisation, You’ve Been Trumped proved to be a sell-out hit at its World Premiere at Hot Docs in Toronto in May (despite claims from Creative Scotland that ‘nobody would watch it’).

The film has since played to packed cinemas through special preview screenings in major cities across Scotland in association with Take One Action and also as part of the acclaimed Stranger than Fiction series at New York’s IFC Center.  Further screenings are on the way (see last week’s Voice for listings).

Taking to the stage in Traverse City with fellow filmmaker Phinney to receive the award, Baxter thanked the hundreds of crowd-funders who had supported the film.

 “We were refused all funding to make You’ve Been Trumped and so I’d like to say a special thank you to the hundreds of people from around the world who enabled us to finish the film with donations from twenty countries.”

A tribute was also paid to Michael Moore for inviting the film to the festival along with dozens of other world-class award-winning documentaries – as well as to the 1300 volunteers who made the seventh outing for the Traverse City Film Fest was the biggest yet.

Other Traverse City Film Festival documentary winners included HBO hit Hot Coffee (The Documentary Everyone in America Should See Award) whilst Best Activism in a  Foreign Documentary went to BBC Storyville‘s Give Up Tomorrow. 

In the fiction category, award winners included Chris Morris’ Four Lions starring Steve Coogan (Best Screenplay in a Foreign Narrative Film) and the Academy Award nominated Incendies (Best World Narrative Film).

Nearly 130,000 people flocked to watch ‘Just Great Movies’ across the six-day Traverse City Film Festival where George Lucas gave special permission for crowd-puller Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back to be screened in the open air for the very first time in front of thousands of film fans from around the world.

The Special Jury Prize for You’ve Been Trumped comes just a month after the film won Britain’s top environmental prize for documentaries with the Green Award at the Sheffield International Documentary Festival (Sheffield Doc/Fest).  Then, the international jury lauded the film for:

“exposing one of the worst environmental crimes in recent UK history.”

(No word yet as to whether the Press & Journal or its sister paper have discovered the existence of ‘you’ve been trumped.’)

The Traverse City Film Festival is a charitable, educational, non-profit organisation committed to showing “Just Great Movies” and helping to save one of America’s few indigenous art forms – the cinema.  The festival brings films and filmmakers from around the world to northern Michigan for the annual film festival in late July. It was instrumental in renovating a shuttered historical downtown movie house, the State Theatre, which it continues to own and operate as a year-round,
community-based, mission-driven and volunteer-staffed art house movie theater.  A full list of award winners can be seen here.

You’ve Been Trumped will now receive a special London preview at the Frontline Club (12 August) and will be screening for a week at the DCA Dundee later this month (19-25 August) before going on to the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival in Birmingham, Alabama (26-27)
August.  The film will also headline the Edindocs film festival (16th September) and a screening is being planned for the Scottish Parliament.

Jul 292011
 

A month ago Anthony Baxter and Richard Phinney attended the sold-out Aberdeen premier of their documentary ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ at Aberdeen’s Belmont Cinema.  If you don’t know, the film follows one year of (dramatic) events at the Menie Estate as Trump and his people change this part of Aberdeenshire forever.  What has Anthony been doing since those first Aberdeen screenings?  Aberdeen Voice’s Suzanne Kelly catches up with Baxter as ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ captures world-wide interest.

Anthony Baxter is in Trump’s hometown, New York City, where the documentary met great acclaim when it was screened earlier this month. A cursory web search for ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ comes up with an astounding 6 million plus results. Since those first UK showings, Baxter has been interviewed and quoted very widely; the film is being lined up for further screenings, and it is receiving the critical acclaim it deserves.

“I’m currently in New York – heading to Michigan tomorrow to Michael Moore’s festival which sounds great.  We’ve got excellent slots for the screenings”. Baxter advises.

 Michael Moore is one of the world’s greatest contemporary documentary film-makers.  Oscar-winner Moore’s successes include the documentary classic ‘Bowling for Columbine’ (a look at America’s deadly love affair with handguns) and ‘Fahrenheit 9/11.
For further info, blogs, book and film information, click here

Michael Moore chose ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ to feature at his festival this year; this selection is high praise indeed.  Moore is no stranger to controversy, and no stranger to Donald Trump.

Trump once labelled Moore with one of the worst labels a Conservative America can use: Trump called Moore ‘A Communist’. (Sources say Moore is holding up well despite this crushing slur).

Baxter is increasingly in demand, yet he and Phinney seem to be handling all of their international press, travel and booking arrangements themselves.  (By way of comparison, American CBS television flew several hundred of its staff to London to cover the Royal wedding, some coming several weeks in advance).  Baxter just keeps going forward:-

“I’ve done a guest column for TGO magazine and also an online interview with the European Documentary network which should be going online soon”.

Anthony advises that the film has undergone a small change. At one point ‘The Golf Channel’ was threatening him with legal action for using a clip of theirs (which Baxter fully credited of course).  Baxter and his legal team held fast.  As to the changes he did make:-

“Whilst here in New York I’ve done a new master of the film – we’ve basically made a couple of minor adjustments – one of which is adding the incident where David Milne is charged for a new boundary fence.   I’ve also been meeting with potential distributors and publicists as we attempt to get the ball rolling for distribution later this year.

“Also – you’ll probably have seen we’re screening the film at the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival in Alabama which is good news.   But it’s clear we’ll need to get some further finance together to get the ball rolling on publicity”.

Funding for getting  ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ shown around the world was not raised from a far-sighted Scottish Arts board, but in part from ‘crowd funding’
See indiegogo for details here: Take-You’ve-Been-Trumped-To-Trump.
If you want to help ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ continue its ever-growing, world-wide tour, watch indiegogo and Facebook for further details and any upcoming announcements.
See: Youve-Been-Trumped-On-Facebook

Anthony is getting the film as wide a screening as possible before a probable, eventual DVD release.

There is good news for people who missed the film first-time around – here is an update on forthcoming screenings:

  • 26-31st July, Michael Moore’s Traverse City Film Festival official selection (Richard and Anthony in attendance)
  • 12th August,Preview Screening + Q&A, Frontline Club, London (Anthony in attendance)
  • 19-25th August,Screening at the DCA, Dundee (Q&A event on Friday 19 August Anthony in attendance)
  • 26-28th August, Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival, Birmingham, Alabama, USA, official selection (Anthony in attendance)
  • 11th September, 3pm, BFI, South Bank – London Premiere +Q&A (Anthony in attendance)
  • 14th September,Scottish Parliament screening, Edinburgh + Q&A (TBC)
  • 16th September,opening night headline film of the Edindocs Film Festival, Edinburgh + Q&A (Anthony in attendance)

Pencilled in but unconfirmed:

  • 30th September/1st October,Eden Court Inverness + Q&A
  • 2nd October-8th October,Filmhouse, Edinburgh
  • 13-17th October,Hamptons International Film Festival official selection, New York, USA (Richard and Anthony in attendance)
  • 27th October, Discovery Youth Film Festival, Dundee (Anthony in attendance)
  • 1 week in October, pencilled in at the Aberdeen Belmont Picturehouse but unconfirmed.

Updates will be posted in due course on Facebook (just search on ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ ) and most definitely on Aberdeen Voice.

The usually litigious Donald has been rather quiet of late.  Perhaps he will wind up being trumped  himself?  Time will tell.

Jul 222011
 

By Bob Smith.

 

Yon Murdoch mannie’s nae happy
In fact he’s jist fair pit oot
The NOTW accused o hackin phones
An pyein oor bobbies aff wi loot

Papers fer some mony ears
Hiv hid ower muckle swye
Politicians aa feart ti act
In case they’re hung oot ti dry

The investigative journalist hack
We still o coorse div need
Bit nae the type faa brak the rules
Jist ti satisfy Murdoch’s greed

Noo fowk faa bocht his papers
Some class  a Murdoch Muppet
An aa helpit prop up his empire
Oot his brose bowl they hiv suppit

Lit’s nae forget oor local lot
Faa git up ti aa sorts o capers
As promoters o  yon Donald Trump
Losh he’s nivver oot their papers 

The P&J shud bi worried
If its practices are reviewed
Ower lang its hid a monopoly
Gweed fowk’s views are screwed

Fae Lowrenkirk ti Lerwick
An ower wast ti Stornoway
The daily fit rules the roost?
It’s the bliddy P&J

It’s nae eese noo girnin
Ti thon lot at thePCC
We need fowk fa are independent
An fae press barons wull bide free

Ye’ll nae fin me greetin
If Murdoch he gings bust
An aa his media empire
It finally bites the dust

The only Murdoch a div like
Is fae “Sunday Post’s” comic stuff
An aul farrant sort o bobby
He’d  hae Rupert in hauncuffs 

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011
Image credit: © Christopher Hall | Dreamstime.com 

 

Jul 052011
 

Old Susannah tries to get her head around the Council’s secrecy and finds them much more transparent than they had thought they were.  By Suzanne Kelly.

Firstly, I trust we are all excited about the discovery of a giant wombat’s fossil in Australia!

This lumbering, hulking, ungainly creature could not move with the times, and so faded into history. Its great big head only had a pea-sized brain which was useful only for more primitive functioning. It spent its time hoarding nuts and drinking at its favourite watering holes.

Any relation to Councillors K ♦♦♦ D♦♦♦ or N♦♦♦ F ♦♦♦♦♦♦ is curiously coincidental.

While I may have spent most  of this past week enjoying the sun as well as well as a pleasant afternoon or  two in Brewdog, I’ve not been oblivious to the things that the City Council,  local institutions and mainstream press want me to be oblivious to.  While I enjoyed champagne and plenty of Pimms  with my friends ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦ and ♦♦♦♦♦♦  in the great outdoors, I’ve been informed of a few developments.

Despite the summer sun, there are shadowy  figures behind the scenes, keeping secrets, denying facts, and trying (with  little success) to keep people and stories quiet – some innocent, some not so  innocent.

‘No news is good news’ – so  the saying goes, but whoever came up with this particular phrase probably had  too much of Brewdog’s ‘Sink The Bismarck’ ultra-strong beer.  Here in Aberdeen ‘no news’ seems to mean the local,  mainstream press have decided to play things down.  So – listen very carefully, I will say this  only once…

Redacted: (adjective) – obscured,  covered up, deleted, censored.

Some months ago, I attended a special meeting of Torry Community Council at which  the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens presented their case, and a very nice lady  named Jan represented ACC (Gordon McIntosh  had been invited, but was having dinner instead).  Jan told us how everything was going to be  wonderful, and how the entire matter was going to be handled ‘in a transparent  manner’.

In fact, she used the word  ‘transparent’ half a dozen times.  I left the meeting with a warm, fuzzy feeling that if something were going on about  the gardens, it would all be transparent.  What a relief.

How very strange it was  then to open up a P&J this week and find our new Council Leader McCaig asking why the minutes of one of the Garden-related groups (and there are many  I can assure you) has been redacted.  Over the weekend I’d emailed him asking why the text had been redacted; he’s not slow off the mark, our Mr McCaig.

But what group is this redacting its papers?  It’s the City Gardens Project Monitoring  Group.  What do they do?  According to the City’s website,

“The role of the Project Monitoring Group is to oversee the City Garden project’s progress and ensure that Council’s interests, and  that of the majority of Aberdeen citizens, are protected as the project
progresses”.

I take it that makes it  quite clear why they must act in secret. It’s not a question of whether or not something will be done with the gardens – they are overseeing progress.  So – the Council’s interests are not the same  as the interests of Aberdeen citizens (minority or majority).  In all my years I never would have guessed  that.  Perhaps they should have redacted  this mission statement as well.

Who is in this group?  Who attends the meetings?  If you go to the city’s website, you can  download the minutes and reports – where you will see that all the names of  attendees have been blacked out, or in council-speak ‘redacted’, together with  lots of text.

The City was trying to keep this top secret information a closely guarded secret.  Perhaps the Monitoring Group is made up of  MI6, the CIA, Lord Lucan and Spiderman?  Whoever it is, I bet they have a dual identity, a good cover story – and probably a costume with a cape.  I hear they all meet at midnight and each have limos with blacked-out windows.

 From now on I hear that anyone in a Council committee which discusses  Union Terrace Gardens will sign the Official Secrets Act, be security-vetted,  be given a cover identity and undergo survival and torture training.

Mr McCaig has no  recollection of agreeing to this group’s identity being protected, and he wants  some answers.  Let’s hope he gets  them.  Why on earth would this be secret, and what do they wish to hide?  Answers  on a postcard please (preferably in a secret code).

Alas for our poor Council:  their secrets are out.  That nice Danny Law over at STV has announced that a simple bit of cutting and pasting reveals all.  Visit STV for further information.

http://local.stv.tv/aberdeen/news/261573-council-blunder-means-concealed-minutes-from-union-terrace-gardens-meetings-can-still-be-read/

You might also want to visit the (excellent) blogspot Other Aberdeen:-
http://otheraberdeen.blogspot.com/

It’s hard to imagine that  the City didn’t give due care and attention to this life-or-death matter of who’s going to meetings and what they are saying about our gardens.  I am stunned.  From now on I hear that anyone in a Council committee which discusses  Union Terrace Gardens will sign the Official Secrets Act, be security-vetted,  be given a cover identity and undergo survival and torture training.

For my part, one of my trusted sources told me how to spy at the hidden text a while ago, and I was sworn to secrecy – which I kept.  My secret hope was that the Council would continue to keep thinking it had successfully blacked out text that could actually be read.  We could have been onto a winner with this one.

My sympathies to the Garden Monitoring Group at this unfortunate point in time, and in particular to one of those in the group:  our very own old friend, Ms Aileen HoMalone.  Not only is the debacle an embarrassment in itself, but my very own spies tell me that since the balance of power shift, this and other committees will be re-arranged over the summer, shedding a few LibDems in favour of SNP councillors along the way.

Gag:
1.  noun – a joke or stunt designed to cause laughter or possibly embarrassment.
2.  Verb – to make another remain silent via coercion or force. 

A gag can  be a stupid remark, like John Stewart’s saying Aberdeen needs a monorail, or a  stunt — like holding a design competition for ‘transforming’ a cherished  garden into a car park/mall.  On the more  sinister side of the coin, this week both Aberdeen City Council and Robert  Gordon University stand accused of gagging their staff.

Now, obviously the opinion  of staff at ACC is held in the highest esteem by management, and at an institution of higher learning such as RGU, nothing can be held more important  than the right to free expression and intellectual debate.  There is absolutely nothing ‘Big Brother’  about Aberdeen City Council rounding up four of its less-than-grateful staff as  it did this week to tell them off.

What had the four done?  They said mean things about the City and their bosses on something called ‘Facebook’, which apparently all the young people are using.  I hope these four ingrates have apologised for having opinions.  I do know that they have been issued with a set of guidelines as to what they can or can’t say.  Sounds like a great move.

In fact, back when the cuts were being  proposed in 2008, the City very wisely told its staff that they should in no way protest against the City’s school and service closures.  Many of them did so anyway.  You might think such people are brave in standing up for education and health services, but you must remember, when you take a job for the City, you lose all your human rights.  Fair trade, I’d say.

I hope these four people are at home right  now, reading their new behaviour guidelines and composing letters of apology.  I’d certainly hate to think they’d be sending  me copies of the city’s newest Kafkaesque policies.  Or even worse – they might be creating anonymous Facebook identities so they can continue to keep us posted with City developments and dark doings.

As to that bastion of higher education, Robert Gordon University: they are also gagging for it.  You may have seen the news that RGU want the Trade Unions to go away and stop bothering them. 

This institution of higher learning has announced that since the unions are now ‘smaller’, they shouldn’t have to recognise them at all. Quite right.  Just because the University has shed a few jobs and has a few less people, there is no reason the unions should have shrunk as well.  Staff and educators alike are overjoyed by this move on RGU’s part, as they won’t have to go to any more tedious union meetings.

The staff won’t publicly say how happy they are, because RGU is, according to STV “accused of ‘gagging’ staff as dozens protest over de-recognition decision”.  I know staff who have been asked to take on more work with no pay, who have had pensions cut, and who work weekends with no extra money to show for it.  I’m sure union representation is the furthest thing from their minds.

RGU wanted the whole episode to be treated as Top Secret:  staff were told not to discuss these special Trump security arrangements

It might be worth mentioning that RGU held its staff’s safety particularly important during Donald Trump’s visit for his honorary degree.  RGU management were so concerned about the safety of its people who would be in the same building as ‘the Donald’ that they let Trump’s private security people search bags, set up security checks, and made sure no one left the building until the great man himself had gone.

Some people say that their mobile phones were looked at, and they weren’t allowed to take any photos (which would have been the first thing on my mind), but this remains unconfirmed.

Those who did get in touch told me that RGU wanted the whole episode to be treated as Top Secret:  staff were told not to discuss these special Trump security arrangements.  I would be happy for the RGU administration to confirm or deny that private, American security was given power over its staff.

Maybe they could have done what Robert Gordon’s College did, and simply lock any bothersome people up in cupboards (congratulations to Ms Michie for winning her case against the College where she was indeed locked in a cupboard.  I await news of the dismissal of the person who did this, but it hasn’t appeared yet).

News Blackout: (modern English phrase) – to deliberately ignore or censor news events. (See also ‘P&J’)

The local press simply  don’t have the time and space to tell you the entire goings on.  The P&J may have covered the story of the City Council’s ‘redacting’ text (see below), as Cllr McCaig came forward with the story.

However, if you put ‘Robert Gordon University’ into the Press & Journal’s online search feature, you’ll see a collection of innocent PR stories about boat races and an RGU student appearing in something called ‘Glee’ (whatever that is).  No RGU bashing in the P&J; they don’t want to upset that nice Mr Wood and his friends.  No word of gagging staff or staff being kettled by American private scurity.

You might also search the P&J website for the story of guitar hero Richard Thompson’s honorary degree from Aberdeen University granted  on the 5th July (congratulations by the way). 

I’ll give you that Richard Thompson is no Donald Trump (who got his degree from Ian Wood’s RGU for services to money).  Thompson has only enjoyed a successful international musical career since the 1960s, released award-winning albums, and made a particularly important collection, ‘1000 years of popular music’.  I doubt the man even has his own jet.

Don’t bother searching for news of his honorary degree award in the local rags – it’s not there.

Just as Anthony Baxter never got any newspaper coverage for his documentary ‘you’ve been trumped’ about Trump and the Menie Estate (it was held over twice and had unprecedented demand at the Belmont), the local press are making life easier for us by deciding what’s newsworthy and what isn’t.

I for one am far more interested in petty burglaries, minor football matches and cute baby photo competitions than the workings of secrecy in local government and the schemes of our local millionaires.

It is the editors at the local papers who decide what goes in (or possibly a few of the city’s richercitizens), not the reporters.

At least we don’t have a ‘News of the World’ situation.  Several newspapers stand accused of hacking mobile phone conversations – of murder victims and their families. Potential evidence has been lost and Milly Dowler’s family wrongly believed she might still have been alive since her voicemail was being accessed.  If you can think of anything lower than this, don’t let me know.

PS – the Murdoch Empire isclosing the News of the World after Sunday!  Result!  However, Murdoch is looking to take over BskyB completely.  If you somehow think this might lead to a  monopoly over news coverage, speak now.

RGU, millionaires, the  future of our Gardens, quangos, dodgy deals, secret deer cull plans:  somewhere the truth is out there.  Just don’t hold your breath waiting for it. 

Speaking of holding your breath, I’d best go  close the windows.  The wind must have changed, and the scent drifting through my open windows in Torry is decidedly not roses and violets.   Old Susannah is off for a short but much needed holiday.  I am going to turn 50 on ♦♦♦♦♦♦ and will fly to  ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦ on ♦♦♦♦♦ and will stay with ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦ where I hope very much to see ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦My best wishes to ♦♦♦♦♦ ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦.

Jul 012011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

Old Susannah is still reeling from the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens Ceilidh held last Friday night at the Hilton Treetops.  The ‘vocal minority’ as the Council likes to call the Friends was certainly vocal on the night, and the excellent Ceilidh band was ‘vibrant and dynamic’ –  so much so that we upset the party in the next room, which happened to be Aberdeen Football Club!

A red-faced man from AFC was ever so slightly angry and spent his entire night yelling at the hotel staff that; ‘he had spent a lot of money’, and ‘’didn’t expect to hear a band’ during his event.

Actually, I could barely hear the band over this refined gentleman for most of the night. He was obviously very important, because he kept saying who he was.

Eventually many of us took our drinks out of our room and sat on sofas watching his endless tirade.  If AFC players had his stamina, then there would be more silverware in their trophy cabinet.  I can only hope we have not inconvenienced Mr Milne himself.

Anyway, the Friends raised lots of money; Anne Begg made a moving speech and everyone (except the AFC man) had a fantastic night.

On Sunday I took advantage of the opportunity to watch you’ve been trumped’ again.

Anthony Baxter did another Q&A session and was joined by Menie resident, Susan Munroe.  The giant mound of earth and sand those nice Trump people left next to her house, (no doubt for a very important reason) is having a wonderful effect on her garden and her car.  The garden is dying (so less work for her to tend it) and the car is clogged with sand (so that means less C02 emissions – another result).

The Q&A session wound up in the Belmont’s bar and continued for quite some time.  Anthony is looking forward to his New York film premier, as you might well expect.

I suspect in reality he’s just hoping Trump will show up and bring his lovely young wife Melania with him – I’m sure Anthony is hoping for an introduction.  Then again, I may be wrong about that.  Anthony definitely sends his thanks to the Belmont and the people in Aberdeen who have turned out for the film.

But the real story of this past week was the rise of 26 year-old Callum McCaig, now installed as the new leader of Aberdeen City Council.  It is pointless to make jokes about his youth; he is bringing his year of experience to the job.  Rumours that he wants to turn Union Terrace Gardens into a skateboard park are (so far) unfounded.

I am actually going to give him the benefit of the doubt for the present.  To be honest, when I was 26 my interests lay in other directions, but the less said about that the better.  He says he wants to listen to what the people are saying.  Is it possible he is embracing….

Community Engagement:

(modern English phrase) involvement of a group of people in decision-making processes.

If you read the many wonderful booklets and reports the City and its army of quangos and consultants have written over the past 10 years (well, a girl has to have a hobby), you will realise what lengths the City has gone to in its quest to ensure we are all given a voice in planning.  The City might not actually listen to that voice (viz Union Terrace Gardens, the Tullos Hill Deer Cull, school closures, etc etc). – but it’s awfully nice of them to give us a voice all the same.  To quote from some of their literature, here is what the city kindly does with us:-

Effective Community Engagement means:

  • Ensuring that people are made aware of proposals that affect them as early as possible.
  • Appropriate systems are in place to allow their opinions to be made, shared, and considered.
  • To allow better explanations to be made by the Council as to how and why specific decisions on design issues have been arrived at.
  • Help to implement the principles of Inclusive Design.
  • Help develop greater interest and transparency in the planning system.
  • Involving people across the whole public spectrum.

The ‘Inclusive Design’ implementation has long been a personal favourite.  I don’t understand what this phrase means in the slightest but it certainly sounds both important and beneficial.  Please feel free to send me some examples of Inclusive Design the City has put in place.

I could be forgiven for thinking that in its haste to improve our lives; the City might have forgotten these principles on a few occasions. Let’s look at these points again as applied to the Tullos Hill and other current situations (my comments are in bluish):-

  • Ensuring that people are made aware of proposals that affect them as early as possible.

I don’t remember the part when the City told us a deer cull was coming for their tree programme, but I do remember they and SNH wanted to keep the cull quiet.

  • Appropriate systems are in place to allow their opinions to be made, shared, and considered.  

The public were allowed to comment on the tree planting until the end of January.  This was the ‘phase 2 consultation’.  However, once we found out that the cull was part of this phase 2 plan and that it had been kept secret, we were told we could not share our opinions.  That nice Ms Aileen Malone and other Lib Dems refused to let me and the Nigg Community Council representative address the May Housing Committee with this new information:  because she had only asked for a verbal report on the cull, not a written one.
Democracy in action!  Or is that Democracy inaction?   You could be forgiven for thinking it was a sneaky, underhanded, undemocratic ploy on (HoMalone’s) part– but if the City says it has systems in place for public opinion sharing then who are we to question it?

  • To allow better explanations to be made by the Council as to how and why specific decisions on design issues have been arrived at.

The deer campaigners keep asking why the cull was kept secret, why we can’t have non-lethal measures, why the trees have to be there at all.  The Council either ignore these questions, or keep repeating that a cull ‘…is standard practice for maintaining woodlands throughout Scotland.’  It doesn’t seem to matter much that there is no woodland on the hill at present, just the deer.

  • Help to implement the principles of Inclusive Design.  

Again, Inclusive Design is fantastic.  This is being shown to great effect in the ongoing Union Terrace Gardens saga.  The inclusivity seems a bit limited to a few millionaires, ACSEF and Scottish Enterprise, but hey ho.

  • Help develop greater interest and transparency in the planning system.

I have to say I find the planning system very very transparent:  I can see straight through it when it comes to Union Terrace Gardens, Loirston Loch, and Tullos Hill.

  • Involving people across the whole public spectrum.

Fantastic!  Four Community Councils at least have condemned the cull and its handling.  Two thousand five hundred local people signed petitions against it.  And what does the City’s Chief Executive say?
It says  that this only represents a small number of people.

It seems inclusion doesn’t mean including groups of only a few thousand members.  I’ll get the hang of who does and doesn’t get included yet.

Now that we have seen how Community Engagement works, I hope we can all appreciate just how important our opinions as taxpayers and residents are to our City.

Maybe this is one engagement that should be broken off.

Open Plan:

(adjective) description of a style of interior layout, particularly in an office situation, characterised by the lack of walls.

The idea was to create an open area where information would free-flow.  The reality however is that people in such areas have no privacy and are under pressure to conform.  Most companies are getting rid of such uncomfortable, noisy interior layouts.  But not our City.

Inside the new Marischal College, aesthetic sensibility rules OK.

Staff who were lucky enough to be moved to this open plan nirvana had been told they could bring a maximum of two packing crates of their files / work with them – and one of those crates was for their computer (unless a  new machine had been laid on).  Thankfully architectural and interior design principles will continue to guide how things operate – staff cannot have any personal mementos or – heaven forbid – plants on their desks!

What would it look like if people could have their desk look the way they wanted?  Chaos would ensue and things would not look as uniform as a factory.  There is a horrible fear that someone will spill something on the new carpets.

I am sure our 65 million pound wonder building won’t have any acoustic problems; no doubt there are acoustic tiles and such in place.  Since shouting, swearing and screaming are rarely heard in the City’s hallowed halls, I’m sure everyone will get on in the new office just fine.

Other staff members are being moved around from building to building; it certainly keeps things lively.

Next week: Definitions, Deer info, and I attempt to contact Neil Fletcher again with a civil question.

 

Jul 012011
 

By Bob Smith.

Hiv ye heard o the fairy tale
Fit’s telt bi oor local press
Faa boast they report aa local news?
A richt fable ye maun confess

An award winnin film ‘You’ve Been Trumped’
Ti a full picter hoose it played
Nivver a wird in the P&J
Nae EE heidlines iss made

Noo it wis the Scottish premier
O the story aboot fowk at Menie
Ye wid hae thocht iss warranted
A scrawl fae a journalist’s penie

Can ye tell fact fae fiction
Fan oor local press div print?
Stories aboot gyaan’s on at Menie
Ah’m feart the truth gits tint

Noo Trump flees in on private jet
Aa ower their front page it’s splashed
Yet aboot harassment o the Menie fowk
They’re nae aat bliddy fashed

Maybe o coorse oor local press
Ti print some stories they’re nae able
Jist in case they fin theirsels
Banished fae Trump’s tap table.

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

 

Jun 302011
 

The Belmont Cinema has held ‘you’ve been trumped’ over for two more weeks due to popular demand writes Voice’s Suzanne Kelly.

Three more screenings have been scheduled over the coming weekend to cater for the sustained public interest in the film.
I attended it again last Sunday; Director Anthony Baxter was present and held another Q&A session after the film.  This session overran with many people staying behind in the bar to discuss the issues with him.

Long-term Menie resident Susan Munro was also present, and answered several questions.  Since filming, Ms Munro’s garden and car have been affected by a huge mound of sand which the construction engineers left very close to her property.

This will be the second consecutive weekend that the Belmont Picturehouse has added screenings of ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ to their schedule since it’s City premiere on June 17. Such has been the demand.

Belmont Cinema Assistant Manager Kenny says:

“We do screen quite a few documentaries, but interest for this film has been overwhelming.  We are very happy to have been able to add more screenings.”

In the current issue of Aberdeen Voice, you can read my review of Anthony Baxter’s award winning film.
See: youve-been-trumped-suzanne-kelly-reviews/

Since writing this review, major newspapers The Guardian and The Daily Mail have expressed interest in the Trump development.  They report Donald Trump has expressed concerns that ‘the world has changed’ since he bought land at Menie and has asked ‘where’s the market?’

The additional screenings will be held

Friday 1 July, 6.30pm
Saturday 2 July, 1.45pm
Sunday 3 July, 6.30pm

Anthony Baxter is on his way to the New York screening of ‘you’ve been trumped’; the funding he needed is coming from the public.  If you would like to support ‘you’ve been trumped’, then please visit:

You’ve Been Trumped’s crowd-funding campaign and trailer:
http://www.indiegogo.com/TAKE-YOUVE-BEEN-TRUMPED-TO-TRUMP

Additional information on the film can be found here:
www.youvebeentrumped.com
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Youve-Been-Trumped/187472834621346

Jun 302011
 

Documentaries on the whole can be, well boring to tell the truth.  They have to tell you what’s going on and why, and/or teach you something.  They are factual and more often than not dry.  Voice’s Suzanne Kelly watched  ‘you’ve been trumped’ which in the simplest terms tells the story of Donald Trump’s building of  ‘the world’s greatest golf course’ at the Menie Estate in Aberdeenshire.

If you thought this meant a few stubborn local people were being unreasonable, then this film will grab you by the shoulders and shake you.  If you thought what was going on at Menie was undemocratic and environmentally dubious, you will be shocked at  how very, very much worse things are than you had ever imagined.  (I had tried to keep up with developments; this documentary has opened my eyes).

Baxter opens and closes his film with cuts from the classic cult film set in Pennan, ‘Local Hero.’ His re-enactment of the phone box scene is already being hailed as iconic (I shan’t spoil it for you – go see it).

If ‘Local Hero’ had been written today, you would think it was paying homage to what’s going on at Menie.  In the cult classic ‘Local Hero’, a lone man refuses to leave his Scottish coastal property and is thus halting big business from ruining the environment with a destructive, massive building plan.

Sadly, the Menie saga will not get the happy ending ‘Local Hero’ gave us.  The dunes are wrecked, the landscape forever altered by a flotilla of bulldozers.

Of particular concern to ecologists and scientists was the fate of the moveable sand dune system –  the last one in Scotland if you are interested – which is no more.  Trump has, as he put it ‘stabilised’ it.  This unique ecosystem, once a ‘Site of Specific Interest’ (SSI) is now a giant, barren sandbox filled with diggers.

Trees were filmed as they were torn from the earth and buried – several hundred of them it seemed.  Baxter interviews a scientist, who lets us know in no uncertain terms that this is an environmental disaster (a SSI is the highest level of protection a site can be given.  The Government decided it was not as important as ‘jobs creation’).  The scenes of coastal countryside bliss early in the film are followed by earthmoving equipment destroying the ecosystems – you don’t need a degree in environmental studies to see how terrible a thing this is, you just need eyes.

The film also uses some beautiful animation sequences of animal life superimposed over the pristine landscape that used to be the home of the Menie families.  There are very poignant scenes involving many of the residents, but particularly moving are scenes of life-long resident Molly Forbes tending her garden and chickens.

She is also pivotal in Baxter’s incorporating old movie footage (pre WWII if I am not mistaken) of the area.  There are scenes of the agricultural and fishing heritage which is being swept away by both by ‘progress’ and Trump’s pursuit of what he calls ‘the world’s greatest golf course’.

Those residents being filmed retain their outward self-possession, but Baxter captures the frustration, sadness and fear which Trump brought to them with his construction tactics.

Over the months of filming you feel the anxiety and tension build.  An art event is held which adds optimism and shows local resistance.  However, the threat of compulsory purchase orders (where the Government could claim their land and force them out) lingered for a long and clearly took its toll on the residents.  So did having to go without water for over a week (a construction-related deprivation), losing a power line (snapped by a Trump earthmover), and ever-present private Trump security.

The viewer is amazed this relatively small number of residents handle it as well as they do.  The photographic documentation of these events is incontrovertible and extremely moving.  The Trump organisation derides Baxter as a ‘fraud’ and ‘failure’.

I never before found myself shouting and making comments during a documentary, but I was far from alone in doing so; the theatre echoed with shouts and indignant cries.  Baxter has grabbed his audience, and they wait for the next development eagerly and angrily.  He is not being sensationalist:  he is documenting and we are reacting.

A word on Mr Donald Trump is called for.  If Baxter’s film had been fiction, it would have been universally criticised for inventing (what is in my opinion) such an extremely pompous, deceitful, greedy, sexist megalomaniac villain.

When we first see Trump, nearly the first thing he does is try to hire some beauty competition winner (Miss Glasgow or some such thing) who had been invited to his press launch.

“She’s beautiful…. very nice…  Maybe she wants a job in marketing or something.” The Donald seems to direct at one of his staff.

Exactly how this gigantic housing development, resort and golf club got planning permission is a mystery only a few people can explain – and they are not talking.

The Aberdeenshire Council voted against the proposal when it first came up – its scale and environmental impact had all of the wildlife experts and charities (RSPB, WWF, Ramblers Association) dead set against it.  Martin Ford of the Aberdeenshire Council explained that Trump’s plans disregarded existing planning criteria.

Mr Salmond, our SNP Scottish leader, was by all accounts meeting Mr Trump for dinner and such.  Before anyone knew what had happened, the Scottish Parliament did what had never been done before:  it called the rejected application in, and gave it the green light.  Salmond is shown explaining how the ‘economic benefits’ and ‘job creation’ promised exceeded the value of our environment.  A subsequent interview with a London School of Economics seems to be the only critique performed on Trump’s figures.  Suffice it to say that the LSE expert had more than a few doubts.

Baxter uses these experts to illustrate the issues and gives us the sequence of events.  There are interviews with  the key players – including a reluctant Trump who is confronted by Baxter at the RGU press conference.  Trump was rattled.  Robert Gordon University awarded ‘The Donald’ an honorary Doctorate.  One of the most powerful scenes in the documentary is when Dr Kennedy, the first principal of RGU, returns his degree.

In a passionate speech Kennedy declares:

“Don’t trample your neighbours; don’t destroy the environment…Somebody’s got to stand up to this….”

When you see this documentary, you will see what kinds of pressures were and still are exerted on the residents and the documentary makers for standing up.  Perhaps the scene most fraught with tension is when Baxter has little control over the filming – as he is being arrested in an outrageous fashion by Grampian Police, virtually attacked, cuffed and thrown in a police car.

Whatever warranted this physical mistreatment?  There is no trace of cause in the events leading to the arrests.  Four hours later he and Phinney are released; their film is held for one week by the authorities.  Welcome to 21st Century Scotland.  We are ‘open for business’.

Coda:  Donald Trump arrived in Aberdeen last week on his partially gold-plated jet; he wants Alex Salmond and/or Sean Connery to open his resort.  On 7 July ‘you’ve been trumped’ will show in New York City:  I await audience and press reaction eagerly.

Watch this space; watch this film.

More City Screenings For ‘You’ve Been Trumped’. click here for more info

Jun 242011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

And what a week it’s been in Aberdeen; does the excitement never end?

Overhead the skies are filled with gold-plated private jets. On the ground, a mere sixty-five million pounds later, we have what we all wanted:  a completely gutted Marischal College, scrubbed clean, if perhaps too small for all the staff it was meant to hold.

How exciting it will be to work in this open-plan haven!  Now that we’ve ripped out the interior wooden panelling, replaced the ceiling, cornices, moulding and plastering, and got rid of those pesky ancient books (many were thrown in a skip per my sources), the place is now perfectly preserved.  Result!

As befitted this monumental opening ceremony, a press conference was held.

My invitation never arrived, which I will discuss with my postman tomorrow.   What made this occasion particularly heart-warming was the presence of so many local citizens, eagerly trying to catch a glimpse of our celebrated councillors.  In fact, a number of the crowd of council fans seem to have been members of the vocal minority group, The Friends of Union Terrace Gardens.  At least I guess it must have been them, as some of them had inconspicuous lapel pins or flyers.

The Friends were not very vocal on the day, and spent some time in quiet contemplation of the beautiful, £125,000 statue of Robert the Bruce, before taking a leisurely stroll down Union Street.  Council staff who had remained in St Nicholas House waved and cheered for the Council members.

This cheering coincidentally took place as the Friends of UTG were walking past.

Some of the Council personnel must have felt overcome with emotion for one reason or another.  In fact one woman, a  Ms Watts, had positively flushed orange.

Isn’t it nice that special interest groups like the FoUTG, however small  (but vocal) they are, go out of their way to pay our city fathers (and quite a few mothers) the respect that they deserve and have earned?
I thought you might like to see some photos from the Marischal College opening day celebrations.  See if you can spot any of the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens dotted around in these lovely photos by Renée Slater, whose work I hope to see more often in Aberdeen Voice.

Finally, Old Susannah will be putting on her dancing shoes and joining the Friends at this Friday’s Ceildh at the Hilton Treetops, and hopes to see you there.  But now it must be time for a few definitions.

Trophy Wife:

(noun) woman married to a wealthy, successful man, prized for her physical appearance. (see also totty, gold-digger, talent)

Firstly, apologies – I normally try to keep these definitions relevant to the week’s news stories, but somehow this phrase just slipped into this week’s column.  A man may be wealthy, but what does it profit him unless he’s photographed in public with some impressive arm candy?

The rich and powerful man, whether in Aberdeen or the wider world, would do well to ensure he’s always well dressed and accessorised.  No one will notice if your hair is messy (or even missing), if you’ve got a great bird walking around with you.  She may be so delicate and special that staff are required to hold her umbrella over her if it rains.

It is crucial to trade in the trophy wife every few years, rather like making sure your motor car doesn’t have too many miles on it or its upholstery doesn’t get creased.  Do make sure that you’ve got the pre-nup in place first. Trophy wife material can be found at philosophy symposia, and  Oxbridge or other universities.  If you have any degrees (perhaps the odd doctorate or two), do work that into your conversation.

When selecting your trophy wife from the hordes of adoring women chasing you for your personality, it’s best to set a maximum age limit.  You’d certainly not want her to be over 30.  Your age won’t matter a whit, as she will love you for who you really are (which is an ageing, insecure man with a massive bank balance, and preferably a cough).

Pre-nuptual agreement or not, once your first child comes along (if you stay together long enough), then you will happily share all that is yours with her (the courts will see to that).  Before you know it, you will be in your 90s, and your child will be about the same age as your grandchildren by previous trophy wives.

This age difference may not be ideal for a game of football in the park, but there it is.  Love conquers all, and love of money is trumps.

Philanthropy

(noun) charitable acts, from late Latin, originally from Greek philos – love and thropos – man.  An act or gift made for humanitarian ends.

Isn’t it funny how language evolves.   In the old days, a philanthropist was someone who helped others with no wish for recognition of the deed and with no wish for personal gain.  In fact, to help others or offer assistance to get personal gain is often called bribery or coercion.

The words ‘bribery’ and ‘coercion’ may be unfamiliar to the residents of Aberdeen, and I may well have to define them at some future point.

I hope we’ve all read the article in Thursday’s Press & Journal about philanthropy.  It is illustrated by a large photograph of one Mr Wood.  He does a lot for charity, as is evidenced by numerous press releases and media reports.  If your memory needs refreshing, I previously explained how he wants to ‘give’ the City £50,000,000.

This gift is to turn Union Terrace Gardens into something other than what it is.   This is much the same as when I ‘gave’ my hairdresser a gift of £20 to cut my hair.  In fact, the hairdresser and I had a consultation, and I got to say what happened to my head, as it was mine.  But I digress.

Since we live in such a prosperous society where the needs of all children, elderly, and specially-abled people have already been fulfilled, it must be hard for Mr Wood to figure out what to do with £50 million.

All things considered, perhaps Ian should just keep his money.

Next week:  deer update, and more definitions.