Old Susannah No.133 – Stealing Special

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  1 Response »
Sep 272013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Dictionary

Tally ho! Has the Deen ever seen a fairer summer? It’s not faded out just yet, and the parks are still full of people. Union Terrace Gardens were full of revellers for the Rainbow festival.
The mythical drunks and junkies said to loiter there are as much in evidence as the transparent giant boy who floated over the lurid flowerbed in the Granite Web drawings.

Hazlehead is filled with people, including motorists who don’t give a damn about parking on the grass, as well as thieves who’ve stolen a metal plaque.

More on this and other thefts shortly.

Gerry Jablonski & The Electric Band had a great night last Friday at the Lemon Tree; Techfest has rolled into town with a 20th anniversary birthday party and a programme of events that couldn’t be broader. 

I hope to make it to the talk in Cruickshank botanical gardens on Friday. There was a talk about what to do if there is a zombie apocalypse; I missed this, but it couldn’t have been that much difference from some of the previous administration’s full council meetings.

Alas! I wasn’t quick enough to get one of the limited planetarium tickets, and because of other commitments I had to miss BrewDog’s ‘Science of Brewing’ talk which took place Tuesday.

I consoled myself considerably when I discovered two of BrewDog’s new offerings. A new light beer ‘How to Disappear Completely’ is filled with flavour yet low in alcohol content.  Then there is  ‘Misspent Youth.’  The bar staff told me it was rich, creamy and tasted of coffee and plums. They were right. I’ll be back for more of each soonest.

Alas!  Everything that’s not nailed down, everything that is nailed down, and even the nails are being stolen in City and Shire. The epidemic of thefts all around us is alarming. If the police are recovering stolen goods, I hope they let us know about it, for the news at present is all about the thefts. Metal drain and gutter  covers are going faster than cut-price cider.

Cars are being stolen at a rate exceeding sales of the new Grand Theft Auto V game. One car was stolen twice in the space of a few hours; you’ve got to give those thieves points for daring.

Your more ambitious thief is ripping their employer off, be it restaurant, the council or oil company.  People in supermarkets are treating self check-out lines as optional. People are stealing pets in broad daylight. Your more intellectual thief is plagiarising poetry, and having the nerve to win poetry contests.  Award-stealing poet Allen has had to return a prize; he was caught stealing other poets’ material.  The BBC quotes Allen as saying :-

 “I accept that I did plagiarise certain poems (although it was genuinely not my intention to deceive)”

It’s OK then – he was only stealing, not trying to fool us.  Phew.  Here’s a poem for him:-

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue
I Think You’re A Tea-leaf
Och Aye Tha Noo. (copyright 2013 Old Susannah)

we all know what great places care homes are

Here in Torry, people have stolen not only drain covers but bricks – and a section of a stone wall. Worse, serial fantacist and idea appropriator Jeffrey Archer has a new book out to boot.

What’s going on? Why is it going unchecked? Who stole the pen I was just using a minute ago? Time for some timely theft-related definitions, as well as one timely definition for good measure.

Old Fashioned Policing: (old-fashioned English phrase) to keep the peace by intimidation and physical force.

Ah, the good old days. There was of course never any crime or social problem in the past, because in those halcyon days, police were not adverse to beating the daylights out of people, or scaring them out of their wits. Ah, the good old days eh?

I was surprised to read the tale of Ross-shire policemen Ovenstone and Kelman, who are in a  bit of muck because of two teenage girls.

The policemen, both in their early 30s decided the girls needed a bit of old-fashioned policing for acting up at a care home.
http://www.north-star-news.co.uk/News/Ross-girls-threat-cops-sentenced-24092013.htm .

Now we all know what great places care homes are, and how every child that winds up in one is no good. Well, the kindly policemen decided to use some initiative. They handcuffed the teenagers, drove them to a remote farm, intimidated them, made them walk without shoes through manure.

Now, if you can remember back to your teenage years, think what it would have been like if two uniformed, weapon-carrying angry policemen handcuffed you and made you do things that were outside of the law. Yes, you would have been scared into becoming a model citizen. There was of course no chance that this harmless escapade would have caused any lasting psychological scars.

Kelman, was given credit in court for bravely saying ‘that’s enough’

Sadly, the courts have taken action against the police.  Shocking, isn’t it. Of course there will be no custodial sentence, because that would serve no purpose. And here Old Susannah was, thinking that the deprivation caused by a jail term, and the message this sent out had some value.

No doubt this logic will be applied in the future to those with and without uniforms equally.

One of the braver cops, Kelman, was given credit in court for bravely saying ‘that’s enough’ at the end of the ordeal. I think he should get a medal. He didn’t stop anything; he was there, but he said ‘that’s enough’. Again, perhaps this logic will extend to those who are accessories to crime. For reasons unknown, Ovenstone decided to leave the police.

No, you just don’t get policing like that any more.

Theft – Pretexting: (Modern English phrase) – to gain entry to premises, to con, to deceive with the intent of stealing.

Hard up for cash? Need a little extra spending money? Why not do what Charles Skinner did, and trick your way into an 80 year-old woman’s house?

Pretend you’re there to do some work (as if you did any work), read an electricity meter, whatever. If your victim’s been dumb enough to let you in the front door, then they kind of deserve to be robbed, don’t they?

An Aberdeen pensioner is now having problems sleeping after Skint Skinner did just this to her, and once in her home stole money from her handbag.

Old people will have lots of money after all, and sometimes they forget they have it (like the hospital patients you hear of now and then that are ripped off by their ‘carers’.  In fact there have been a few thefts recently in the ARI – gold chains, money, etc.; I’m sure this won’t be upsetting to patients and their families in the least.

thieves stole a commemmorative plaque from Hazelhead park

After all, you probably have a good use for the money – like your drug habit. What fun is an old person going to have with their cash anyway? If they wind up injured or emotionally upset, that’s not really your problem is it?

Besides, if you have had a tough childhood, a drug or alcohol problem, then it’s not your fault, and a decent lawyer will get you a reduced sentence, probably with the taxpayer paying.

Yes, pretexting your way into someone’s house can be a nice little earner.

Metal theft: (Modern English phrase) The theft of goods for their metal/mineral content and/or the stripping of metal from property.

Times are indeed tough; the value of metal is shooting through the roof (no doubt the roof’s lead has been stolen from the roof by now). Time to get some tools, a truck, and go nick some metal.

As mentioned, thieves stole a commemmorative plaque from Hazelhead park. Well, if the park is for everyone’s enjoyment, why not theirs?

Rail commutes will have notice no less than 4 recent disruptions on the Aberdeen to Inverness line:  thieves have been stealing the cabling used in the signalling system. To lose copper cables to thieves once is unlucky. To lose your cables a second time is a bit careless. To have your copper stolen a third time begs the question ‘are you paying attention?’ 

Somewhere there are scrap metal dealers who are taking this material in

To lose cabling a fourth time implies incompetence. As to the thieves, well, the cabling is just there for the taking apparently. What’s the worst that could happen anyway? A potential train crash can’t outweigh the need to steal some copper wire.

Somewhere there are scrap metal dealers who are taking this material in. There must be a few clues when people go to sell plaques that are inscribed to the people of a city, or miles of copper wire. But none of these metal yards seem to be coming forward.

ATM Theft: (Modern English Phrase) to steal cash dispensers.

In the old days, the ones cops like Kelman and Ovenstone might have yearned for, a thief would just have waited for an unsuspecting person to use an ATM, and then either make note of their card number, and steal the card later – or just beat the cash withdrawer senseless once they had the money in their hand. These days are gone.

Need to supplement your metal theft income? Get a truck round to an ATM, and just steal the whole thing. In this line of work you get to travel as well – New Deer, Bieldside, Inverurie. Sounds pretty good to me.

Auto Theft: (English Phrase) the theft of a vehicle.

Well, the police do have this covered nicely in our area. Of course cars are stolen, driven  in a stylish stuntman manner, and then often set alight, in one case cheering up some shoppers at a supermarket not long ago.

The police are blaming car owners for keeping car keys in their kitchens.

Car thieves taught admirers and young apprentices how to hotwire cars

Granted, you have to lock your homes and your cars these days. But even if you do this, if the keys are in your locked house somewhere they can be found, then it seems you’re pretty much guilty of being an accessory to any resultant theft.

We did have the exciting Stig Aberdeen Boys Facebook page not long ago; it had hundreds of members.

Car thieves taught admirers and young apprentices how to hotwire cars, how to steal motorbikes and so on. It’s a shame it was taken down, but Facebook decided promoting crime wasn’t something it wanted to branch out into. Shame.

There is No Honour Among Thieves: (English saying) A proverb advising that thieves are not to be trusted.

Well, it does my heart good to say there is always the exception that proves the rule. In a recent court appearance, a noble, brave robber (who had assaulted and threatened his victims and acted as part of a team) has refused to name his co-workers.

The man in question did tell the court he was very sorry indeed for upsetting people and taking their money, but ‘he is the only one going to jail’ for the spate of robberies he and his mates committed. I’d love to tell you his name, but someone seems to have stolen my notes.

For reasons of space, I’ll leave it there. There have been people embezzling from public and private sector employers; people stealing from charities, people stealing from the old and the infirm.

In Torry people have stolen bricks and even a bit of a stone wall. It just goes to show you, when you need to earn some money, there is always a way. (Did I ever tell you about the rich property developer who did a deal with the City over land in Kingswells, and then tried to keep £1.7 million pounds’ worth of profit)?

PS – pet theft is most definitely going on. Be vigilant.

Next week:  more definitions.

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Old Susannah No. 131 – Be Still My Heart

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  1 Response »
Sep 062013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryTally Ho! It’s been such a pleasant summer in the Deen, and there is no sign yet of the great weather retreating. The Braemar Games are set for this weekend, and it should be another great year for these particularly enjoyable games.

Thanks this week to the brilliant team at Swan Vets for dealing with my ailing cat; they are compassionate, efficient, benevolent and plain speaking.  As such, they are unique in almost any field of endeavour. If only we had more people like this in the public sector (or printed press).  If only everyone respected animals as much.

For instance, things are as bad as it gets for any cetacean life near to Taji Cove, Japan – the Japanese have started their annual slaughter and hunt of these intelligent, family-orientated animals. 

We now know that dolphins communicate on a very sophisticated level; they have identifiable names for individual animals in their pod.

The Japanese however want to slowly butcher these animals (you don’t want to know how slow and painful their death is) – or worse, after being weakened and starved, some are flown (courtesy of Japan Air Lines or China Air) to aquariums around the world. Against this backdrop of unnecessary violence and sadism, India has stood up and passed new legislation against the slaughter and transport of dolphins.

This was an important and bold step; cetacean charities and experts around the world applaud this move. More information here http://www.wdcs.org/

Closer to home, the badger cull continues; science is again thrown out the window, just as it was with the ‘contiguous cull’ which saw millions of livestock destroyed, now admittedly a horrific, unnecessary act of a desperate government.

As pointed out, vaccines were an option; American technology could have seen portable diagnostic equipment used.  Instead, we had massive bonfires and animals often destroyed inhumanely, and completely unnecessarily. http://www.farmersguardian.com/home/news-analysis/foot-and-mouth-10-years-on-culling-was-pure-madness/37404.article

We need to re-examine how DEFRA and other animal/environmental agencies always leap to culling as the solution when vaccination and other remedies to animal-related problems exist and are possible.

There is a poisoning of a bird of prey being reported nearly daily now; endangered, rare species are being deliberately targeted. Given the plight of wild animals in the UK, you’d almost think a powerful pro-hunting/culling lobby existed that pressured these organisations from the outside and infiltrated them, working inside them to make pro-culling policy take precedence.

It must be very gratifying writing these endless pro-city garden project stories

But surely not. As long as you’re not a seal, a badger, an ailing cow which could have been inoculated, a bird of prey or any form of deer, this is a great island to be a wild animal. (I hope to get back to my series on ‘cull of the wild’ soon, but recent developments at Menie and UTG have kept me a touch busy).

It’s also been a confusing week, with free paper Metro reporting a decrease in support for the ‘YES’ campaign, and our very own Evening Express claiming the reverse.  It’s almost as if you can’t believe what you believe in some papers sometimes.

The EE’s chief reporter David Ewen went on an investigative journalism binge this week. He’s broken the story that John Michie, owner of avant-garde chemist Michie’s on Union Street wants to build in the garden. Hard to believe that Michie has come down in favour of such an act; after all there was barely any sign of enthusiasm from him for the previous proposals (except for the frothing at the mouth).

More on this altruistic Aberdeen Journals Ltd. campaign to ‘mend our broken heart’ (ie building something in UTG) shortly.  With his command of economics, city planning, environmental issues and surgical spirit, we’re as good as saved now. He’s of course been on ACSEF for years, a fact that the EE neglected for some reason.

It must be very gratifying writing these endless pro-city garden project stories; I do wonder whether the editor subtly suggests them to his reporters, or if they all clamber to be the one chosen to write more pro web prose. More on that in a moment.

Finally, that poor Mr Cameron hasn’t managed to convince his own MPs let alone Parliament that the best way to help the Syrian people is with airstrikes. In fact there was open hostility when the idea of intervention went to the vote. You could be forgiven for wondering if the LibDem / Conservative coalition has a few stress fractures. But don’t worry, the ever-strategic Ken Clark is coming to Cameron’s rescue.

So, nice weather and nice veterinarians aside, perhaps it is time for some definitions with that.

Military Action: (Mod Eng. compound noun) Waging battle, physical intervention in a problem. (Clearly not waging war of course)

That poor Mr Cameron; he’s going to start wondering who is friends are. All he wanted was a bit of support in the House of Commons from his fellow Torys to help the Syrian people – with a little bit of military action.

Children in Syria are being tortured, starved, orphaned, and recently burnt to death in a school. Old Susannah would love to tell you how this amounts to a ‘civil’ war, or indeed what wars have ever been civil. Over a million people have been made homeless; unknown numbers have been killed, tortured, disappeared.

Clearly what we need to do is bomb them.

Some weak-livered hippies think we need to be sending medical aid, shelter, food, rescuing people and working round the clock for a diplomatic end to this civil war. How disappointing that some of this ilk seem to have got into the House.

Poor Cameron must have been feeling down as dozens of his own MPs voted against him. Luckily, that nice Mr Clarke as come to the rescue. He’s said Cameron was only doing what the Americans wanted him to do by raising the vote.

“Mr Clarke, the Minister Without Portfolio, has disclosed that the Americans “wanted us to make this vote very quickly”. He said that the Government “did not have time” to ensure that it had enough support from MPs to win the vote. “
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/Cameron-told-to-hold-quick-Syria-vote

 Well, the coalition may have lost control of the House, but thankfully, the Americans are still setting the House’s agenda. Phew. For anyone who thinks blankets rather than bombing is the answer (with food and medicine thrown in), more info here. http://www.redcross.org.uk/syriacrisis

Broken Heart Campaign: (modern Aberdonian media propaganda phrase) To make everyone in Aberdeen happy by building something – anything in UTG.

When all is dark, when you can’t get a good VAT deal on regenerating brown field sites (which we have just a few of in central Aberdeen), when billionaires aren’t getting their way by commandeering common good land  for their cronies to manage, who ya gonna call? Evening Express!

Using all of its muscle without a thought of trying to sell more papers or keep its advertisers happy, Damian Bates’ organ is going to mend our broken heart! I didn’t know we had one, but there you go. Shops will fill up – we just have to build in the garden.

Perhaps a train stop makes some kind of sense for accessibility obsessives, but then again, if wheelchair users can get in the gardens now, what is the point.

When we have some specific actual architectural drawings, we can see what they’re on about. These, unlike those pretty web drawings, will show any safety features, HVAC details, and any underground structures (which will be opposed if they alter the park). However much cheerleading Wood, Michie and their pals do, there are just a few minor obstacles to consider.

There will be adherence to EU and UK procurement procedures. Aberdeen City Gardens Trust is not going to automatically get control of so much as a blade of grass: the whole thing is going out to tender (architecturally too, Halliday Fraser  Munro take note).

There will be environmental impact studies. There will be a public design vote with completely transparent results, which will include the chance to vote for improving the gardens, not building in them.

There is a difference between mending a broken heart and fixing something that’s not broken

There will be, unlike the lovely web, something called a project. A project, for the benefit of any ACSEF members still reading, requires a defined scope of the work to be carried out, a timescale for the work, and (sorry ACSEF) a detailed budget which will be adhered to.

There will be no further expenditure by ACSEF or any other quango on propaganda (we spent £125 or so on a photo ‘showing the gardens are inaccessible’ just for openers) and no more public money doled out to consultants (if you want to know more about the half million pounds of public money swallowed so far for this proposed land grab – sorry heart-mending project – is, have a look at  https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/02/the-great-city-gardens-project-gravy-train/ )

The moral authority of the Evening Express is beyond reproach – or is that beyond the pale? Considering Mrs Bates makes her money from the much trumpeted Trump course which the EE and P&J are always happy to talk up, you have to wonder. Perhaps there is a Bates uncle or auntie on ACSEF? Is it the advertising revenues and the dwindling circulation rate that’s behind this heart propaganda?

I think we should be told (but we won’t be).

There is a difference between mending a broken heart and fixing something that’s not broken. Lower the business rates, start some initiatives to give our talented fashion, craft and arts students and practitioners empty store space to regenerate the town centre, stop building new stores (the mall didn’t exactly help the high street, and a first year economic student could have told us that).

But we need that green space, and what’s more we own it. We don’t need Smith managing it for us. Regenerate the brown field and in so doing stop the urban sprawl.  No open heart surgery required.

One way or the other, EE involvement, ACSEF involvement or not – there is going to be no more cronyism, no more secrecy and no more propaganda. And that’s a shame for a few people. Sorry.

Well, if they’re going to continue with the monomania, so must I.

Next week:  more on recent Trump-related developments, possibly some city of culture bid skulduggery uncovered too…

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Old Susannah No. 130 – The Masters

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  24 Responses »
Aug 232013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

I had a break last week, and spent a great deal of time on GISHWHESH (greatest international scavenger hunt the world has ever seen).  This is the annual international scavenger hunt / charity / random acts of kindness event.

There will be a television programme eventually, after judges and show host Misha Collins pour through thousands of homemade videos and photographs, created by people all over the world.
Thanks very much to everyone on my team and who helped me here in Aberdeen. Pensioners and veterans were helped by thousands of GISHWHESH participants, who also had fun engaging in crazy (harmless) stunts.

If you saw a giant asparagus spear being thrown as if it were a caber, then that would have been down to us.

Many thanks to Under the Hammer, North Silver Street, for having me and Neale Bothwell hang some of our recent paintings; and thanks to Mrs B for some amazing canapés.  The show is up for another fortnight in case you’re interested.

After GISHWESH I went to BrewDog this Monday, expecting a quiet drink and to do some writing.  However, brewers from  Oskar’s in Denver, Colorado were being celebrated and the place was packed.  It was nice to meet the brewers; BrewDog often have guest beers, and invite the brewers over to visit.

Oskar’s have a particularly nice, varied range on offer in BrewDog; I recommend their port-barrel brew.  Nice people, great beers, wonderful conversations.  And all the best to Kenny in your studies.

Anyway, I was astonished to see an Evening Express headline on the 19th “Crime Doesn’t Pay – NE Crook Still to cough up £1 million.” 

Naturally my first thought was that the Evening Express had turned coat on its friend Stewart Milne.  It turns out they were referring to some  crook that owes the council less money.

It seems a collection of dodgy master criminals from fraudsters to illegal fishermen owe lots of money, and we may try and collect it.  Hopefully it will take less time and taxpayer money to get money from them than it will from Stewart Milne.

It’s quite a coincidence that this recent pro granite web puffery that’s blown Syria, Egypt and other issues off the P&J’s lead pages has also stopped the AJL press from saying much about Stewart Milne.  I guess, “millionaire builder and ACSEF member finally forced to pay City back for dodgy land deal”, is not as important as, “billionaire still wants granite web and is throwing a tantrum yet again”.

Since the P&J don’t have enough space to devote to Stew, I’ll be happy to step in to support them, and tell you all about it.

Time for some definitions.

Master Thief: (compound English noun) someone with plans to steal item(s) of value, often through fraud, confidence trickery, smooth talking, persuasion

He might not have been much good as a joiner, but our very own Stewart Milne nearly made the Master Thief Hall of Fame.  If you’ve forgotten, the old city council regime decided it would be wonderful to sell him land in Westhill for a fraction of the value, then sit back and get a share of the sale proceeds when the land was either developed or sold on for a vast profit.

“What were they thinking?’”, an unkind soul might wonder.

I’m sure it made perfectly good sense not to sell the land on the open market, getting a profit from a fair sale price.  Instead, our canny then government decided to sell this land to Stew when he and his companies were winning bids for work from the city, by putting in lower bids than any other competitor could match.

The city for some reason fought very hard to reveal the property deals

What Stew did next was brilliant.  He sold the land all right – for a loss – from one arm of his empire to the other. Despite his dragging the city (and thus the happy taxpayer) through to the highest court in the land, he’s still a lovable rogue, and we continue to give  him money for houses, and pay to go see AFC play.

If you wish to refresh your mind on the details, this may help  https://aberdeenvoice.com/2011/12/foi-prevails-the-quest-for-milne-property-deals/.  The city for some reason fought very hard to reveal the property deals; I can’t think why.

It’s almost as if he were being handed a profitable land deal with no one else being considered for it when at the same time that profit could provide a handy offset for the low bid work.  It would be interesting to go back and look at the cost over-runs if any for the work he had been awarded.  When I get a moment, I just might do that.

By the way, around this time, Audit Scotland couldn’t figure out whether Aberdeen City Council was incompetent – or something worse.  It seems to be true that if you steal something small you go to jail; if you steal something big you get away with it.

Some heartless people are saying he should be thrown out of ACSEF.  Surely though, being conniving, money-hungry, duplicitous and having no respect for taxpayer money are prerequisites for ACSEF membership, not reasons to be expelled from this respected quango.  Stew doesn’t have to cough up until the end of this year; doubtless he will want to pay sooner.

Master Plan: (Compound English Noun) An overriding scheme.

When not stealing money from us, Stewart Milne has devoted his time to ACSEF, and to going to the press last week to tell Aberdeen City it needs a masterplan.  He wasn’t trying to deflect attention away from his financial activities, I’m sure.

Here’s to seeing the details of the Milne Masterplan

Presumably Milne’s master plan will involve renovating existing buildings, bringing brownfield sites back into use, and regenerating empty, urban spaces.  His most recent contribution to a master plan looks to some like urban sprawl.  His homes near the Cove Roundabout are the most perfect family dwellings you can imagine.

The air quality at rush hour may play havoc with junior’s asthma, but that’s just a small price to pay to live in the lap of luxury.  Just don’t let the cat out of the front yard, don’t let junior fly his kite close to the electricity substation or the dual carriage way, and for heaven’s sake don’t come home in the dark or tipsy.  For all the houses look eerily similar, and you could wind up in the wrong one.

Ah, it all made so much more sense when he thought he’d pave over Loirston Loch.

Here’s to seeing the details of the Milne Masterplan.  I can hardly wait.

Mastermind: (noun) A gifted person who supplies the strategy for a project or job.

Step forward Mr S McGee, recently arrested here in the Deen.  During the course of his discussion with the police, he decided it would be a great idea to spit blood at them.  Strangely, this plan didn’t endear the police to him.  Oh well, I guess you can’t always guess what’s the right way to behave.

Masterpiece: (noun) An outstanding work of art of great skill and quality.

You will be as glad as I am that all the renaissance of interest the P&J has for the Granite Web means we can see some artwork which is truly iconic, vibrant, dynamic, connected, etc. etc. fit for a smart successful Scotland.  Yes, those beloved drawings of the Granite Web in its acid tones are back.

The giant floating boy hovering over the outsized flowers; the woman reclining at a 45 degree angle on the wedge of grass-topped concrete floating over the outdoor stage; the bosque; the whole lot is back.  £5 says there will be another picture or two in tomorrow’s P&J.

I am sure the granite web would have looked exactly like the lovely drawings.  No graffiti, no litter, no drunks (which apparently come from the park and fill the high street in the hundreds when it’s Saturday night; where else would these people come from?), no one throwing  things from the apex of the daring web.

Then again, the drawings don’t show us the minor details.

No means of ventilating the underground car park, no explanation as to how trees will grow in shallow soil over the underground car park, no hint of any safety features over the web or protecting the outdoor stage (my favourite; I was so hoping to hear a Beautiful South cover band in February while I sat in the seats, surrounded by hundreds of Aberdonians and high-spending tourists ).

No – that’s what’s best about these masterworks – they leave the little details like those to the imagination.

And there we leave it for now; I have just a little bit of work to do regarding that nice Mr Trump and his course.  I wonder – do you think he’d consider putting a granite web over his MacLeod course?  I’m sure it would look as elegantly classic as anything else built there so far.

Next week – more definitions, and if the P&J print more pro-web news, I’ll happily stay on the bandwagon as long as they do.

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‘Improve, Don’t Destroy’ – FoUTG’s Defiant Message

 Aberdeen City, Information  18 Responses »
Aug 232013
 

To a background of calls for those sympathetic to the preservation and enhancement of Union Terrace Gardens to be extra-vigilant as the Wood Family Trust’s 12-month deadline for withdrawal of its strings-attached £55m ‘donation’ to ‘city centre transformation’ approached, a predictable and transparently-concerted campaign, backed by increasingly-vocal local press coverage has emerged.

Our democratically-elected representatives now appear to be under renewed pressure to reconsider their decision to take a prudent approach to financial risk and publish imminently alternative and affordable plans for city centre regeneration. ‘Stand firm’ seems to be the message from the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens. Thanks to Robin McIntosh.

utg4pic

Union Terrace Gardens are an emerald jewel in Aberdeen’s civic crown, and part of the city’s proud Common Good heritage.

When the Victorian public toilets were closed in the 1990s, the Gardens entered a period of ‘managed decline’ with virtually no capital expenditure attributed to them. The last five year period has seen a variety of groups comment on the potential of UTG, motivated by their particular opinions on what is best for Aberdeen.

The result has been further degradation of the park, its suitability for events and its facilities as we await a resolution on the future of this publicly-owned green space.

The Friends of UTG group has compiled a wide range of transformational and evolutionary ideas from its membership and has presented its Vision and Proposals to the council for consideration.

The cost of delivering these membership-originated projects will be but a fraction of the predicted £140m cost of the City Gardens Project, and the benefits of evolutionary change to the ‘feel’ of our city centre are clear.

Robin McIntosh, Chair of the Friends of UTG, said:

“It is now vital that we move forward in the spirit of Bon Accord (good agreement), and undertake a full sympathetic restoration of this green heart in our Granite City. A modern society requires a combination of history, culture and facilities, and we must find the funds to deliver this for Union Terrace Gardens, in the same way that we have for the outstanding Duthie Park.

“The Friends have already delivered some minor, but sustainable improvements – building nesting boxes and planting a Spring Walk and a Flanders Field poppy field for the WW1 Centenary in 2014. 

“Larger capital projects will obviously require greater investment, and we are committed to continuing to work closely with the council, senior members of the administration, and any other interested parties, to secure finance to deliver a Garden with civic pride at its very heart. 

“Our aim is to achieve the best possible outcome for the people of Aberdeen – improvements that are both affordable and which will allow the Gardens to remain in public ownership.”

FoUTG’s blog outlines its proposals and gives current news updates http://friendsofutg.com/

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Ian Wood And His Granite Can Of Worms

 Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion  11 Responses »
Aug 232013
 

utgbyelaine122feat
By Suzanne Kelly.

The Press & Journal devoted its first five pages on 21 August to august business mogul Sir Ian Wood.

On the following day, while the Scotsman put the Ian Wood ultimatum on Page 23 (with the little matters of Syria and other news taking precedence), our P&J had Alex Salmond on the cover entreating us to take the Wood shillings, and the following three pages were likewise dedicated to the granite web (with one pro-Trump article also up front, undoubtedly for balance).

This ceaseless Aberdeen Journals attempt at blatantly trying to rewrite history ignores reality. The AJL owners must be convinced the public will buy into the brainwashing and forget the past.  From what I’m told, this propaganda  is not appreciated by a web-wearied (and possibly dwindling) readership.

The details which the P&J brazenly try to paper over may be of interest to anti-granite web factions.  Those who had to fight against an onslaught of propaganda during the non-binding referendum need to be able to counter this latest myopic, self-serving pro-web media onslaught; a round up of the issues may help with this.

During the referendum a wave of factually inaccurate, expensive, garish leaflets and newspapers (created by an anonymous, clearly well-off group) bombarded City (and accidentally shire) residents.   Let’s make sure the oversimplified argument ‘Aberdeen must take this generous £50 million gift’ is one gift horse that is looked in the mouth, pronounced diseased, and refused (again).

Here are a few select counter-arguments which the Press & Journal conveniently overlook.

1.  Ian’s promises to go away

Wood was going to abandon the plan if the first consultation for the city garden project indicated the public didn’t want it.  The illustrations which first did the rounds clearly showed a flat, barren, concrete or tile giant square, with one or two plants in a pot.

The public didn’t want this and said so.  Ian Wood however did not go away.  The pro City Garden Project factions then accused the public of not understanding the illustrations, claiming the drawings looked nothing like what was really on offer.  And back they went to the drawing board, rather than backing away as initially promised.

greenhrtpic

All this time, the taxpayer was paying the bill via invoices submitted to the City via unelected quango, Aberdeen City and Shire Economic Future (formerly Forum – they created their own manifesto).
See: https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/02/the-great-city-gardens-project-gravy-train/

I have lost count of the headlines similar to the current ones in which Sir Ian threatens to send his money to Africa, take the offer off the table, etc.etc.  But one thing seems clear to me:  this is not a man of his word, going by these broken promises alone.

1.1  Alex Salmond to the rescue?  Has Salmond learned nothing from his intervention with Trump?

Ian and Alex Salmond shared correspondence, and the web was one of their topics.  Salmond has again come to bat for his friend, and is flexing his muscle in the same city where he recently disregarded the rules and protocol, sauntered into a primary school during a by election and had a press and photo call.

One friend helping another is a heart-warming thing.  Here is an excerpt from Wood to Salmond correspondence:-

“I have been particularly grateful for the support your Government have provided to the Aberdeen City Centre Regeneration Project which, as you know, I believe is vitally important for Aberdeen’s long-term economic future and wellbeing.

“The vote of Aberdeen City Council on 22nd August will be crucial, and if this is positive I will obviously allocate some of my time to support the development phase of this project in any way I can, and I know there will be an important role for Scottish Government to play in facilitating this. If the vote is negative, Wood Family Trust will have no choice but to withdraw their offer of funding.”
See  – https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/11/wood-to-salmond-01-08-12/

Let’s not forget Sir Ian’s signature appears on a letter to the First Minister from Aberdeen City Gardens Trust (which is meant to be Smith, Crosby and Massie).  If he had control at ACSEF, over Salmond, and over the ACGT, then he pretty much will be calling all the shots should this web ever be woven.  https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/12/salmonds-web-exclusive-correspondence-revealed/

28 July 2012:  Aberdeen City Gardens Trust, ACSEF and Wood to Salmond

“The concept designs will be available to exhibit to the public late September with the public asked to indicate their views… with the winning concept design presented to  Aberdeen City Council to endorse.

“The current plan is that by mid-December the city council will be in a position to approve the TiF business case prior to it being submitted to the Scottish Futures Trust. It goes without saying that the Project will not proceed without TiF funding.

“We’d be very happy to discuss this with you further… We will also be seeking some further discussion with John Swinney…”
See – https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/11/wood-smith-acgt-acsef-to-salmond-28-07-11/

UTG display

The striking feature of this letter is that it indicates the city council is not in the driving seat.

The council is expected not to debate or vote; it is expected to ‘endorse’ and ‘approve.’

The Aberdeen City Gardens Trust (ACGT) is a private entity set up to run the City Gardens Project that listed Tom Smith (also of ACSEF, and formerly Aberdeen & Grampian Chamber of  Commerce) and Colin Crosby (A&GCoC) as its two directors.

It is therefore of further interest to note that in this letter of 28 July 2011, ACGT lobbies Salmond with praise for the scheme and seeks further meetings with both Salmond and Sturgeon.

There is the statement that the project will not proceed without TIF.  Wood is still chasing it.

Despite many past promises (see previous Aberdeen Voice articles) Wood’s not going to go away any time soon.  This being the case, it’s best to recollect some of the history of this saga.

2.  The people were ignored when they rejected the web – twice; then the referendum was called.  Labour rightly said the referendum was not legally binding and that they would not build the web if elected.  They were elected.  Any arguments about ‘people being ignored’ discount the past disregard pro-web forces showed when the public went against them.

Despite people like Rita Stephen visiting companies to talk up the new project, and telling groups that Peacock was not going to happen (before it had been officially killed off it seems to me), people said ‘no’ to the giant square.  For that matter, I deliberately used the word ‘preposterous’ in my feedback during the first consultation. This word and my feedback never showed up on their master list of comments.  I wonder how many other anti-square comments were omitted?

Eventually the Granite Web was selected as the project of choice.  We didn’t get the chance to vote to keep and improve the gardens, even though councillors such as Willie Young were minuted as saying they wanted the public to have this option at an early stage.  Letting us vote not to do any project, but to clean up and improve the gardens could have saved a great deal of time and money.

Gerry Brough, now departed from the Council, was minuted at the time as saying the public were not going to get this chance – by the wish of unelected members of other web-related committees.  So, the web triumphed, and its drawings were put forward.

3.  The web is hideous, makes not spatial or aesthetic sense, and that’s just the concept drawings.  It would look far worse if ever built.

UTG 41

Lurid giant flowerbeds sprouted; children played, a woman sunbathed on top of a potato-chip-shaped wedge overhanging an outdoor theatre.

Giant ramps at steep angles jutted to the sky and back sharply down (for no apparent utilitarian purpose).

This was particularly insulting.

One of the propaganda fallacies which seem to stick is the gardens can’t be accessed.

Yes they can; there is a short, gently sloping ramp next to His Majesty’s Theatre; cars get in; people with prams and wheelchairs get in.  And yet, the web proposes that these ramps will have some form of function.

If the public didn’t understand the drawings of the flat giant square, which seemed rather easy to grasp, why has no one from the pro-web side ever produced drawings showing what precisely the gardens would look like if they got a thumbs up?

Where are the Heating, Ventilation, Air Conditioning vents that would have to stick up from the garden to serve the underground spaces? Where are the drawings of the required safety features that would stop people jumping or falling from the potato chip wedge?

Click on pic to enlarge.

Click on pic to enlarge.

Where are the drawings showing what the granite-clad ramps would look like when they are made safe from people falling, jumping, or quite likely throwing objects on those below?

Stop and think for a moment what a disaster the real garden, fitted with legally required safety measures would look like.

I’ve put my hand to making one such drawing, and I welcome the architects’ submission of a fully safe, legally compliant drawing.

4.  A gift is not a gift if you are told how to use it – and that you have to stump up £90 Million to get it.

I keep receiving junk mail, saying I’ve won a valuable prize.  All I have to do to get that prize is to spend my own money to claim it.  This type of sham sadly does take in some people.  Sir Ian’s offer is its relative.

He will only give us this gift if we surrender our common good land, the park, to a private company, Aberdeen City Gardens Trust.  There is no other use Wood will accept it seems for his ‘gift’ but to build in the park.  And we have to pay nearly twice as much (by conservative estimate) to get rid of our park for parking, shops and a web.

TIF would have been a risk; this is undeniable. If the thing didn’t make money – and the projections were ridiculously high for its income and jobs creation (see past Aberdeen Voice issues), then the taxpayer would be stuck.  TIF was never risk free, whatever anyone says – a loan of any kind is a risk, let alone on an unprecedented building work.

If it were a gift, it could have been put in the common good fund, for the city to decide how it were best spent.  This is not a gift.

5.  So – what did happen to Peacock?  Who had a role in its demise?

Peacock raised funds, came up with a plan (which did not please everyone, but it was far more architecturally and environmentally sound than the granite web).  It was getting advice from Scottish Enterprise, which initially seemed happy to go along with the Peacock scheme.

Here is an extract from February 2009 from unelected quango, ACSEF’s minutes:

“The small sub-group which will drive the project forward will comprise ACSEF Board/MT members, supported by Zoe Corsi in her communication role.   It will be chaired by Dave Blackwood, with Andrew Murphy, Mike Salter, Tom Smith, Abigail Tierney and David Littlejohn as core members, with others, including Andy Willox and Melfort Campbell, available to support as required.  Dave Blackwood invited any other Board members who wished to be involved to advise him.

“Abigail Tierney will be the main interface with Peacock Visual Arts, supported by Dave Blackwood as required.  Dave Blackwood will be the main contact with Sir Ian Wood and his representative Jennifer Craw.

“The Board will be provided with a summary outlining the facts around public funding to Peacock Visual Arts, key deliverables and timelines expected for the technical appraisal.

“The ACSEF website set up following Sir Ian Wood’s announcement has fulfilled its function and will be closed shortly, with clear communication on next steps.”

utgbyelaine122-2
And then Peacock was dead, and Sir Ian’s city gardens project rose from the ashes.

Tell us exactly how this transformation came about Sir Ian, for we should be told.

You could have contributed to Peacock’s plan; even using remaining funds from your £50 million donation to embark on other projects, or (perish the thought) helping people in Aberdeen city and shire directly.

Our residential care homes, our schools, our arts education, our people with special needs could have benefitted, and there could have been a project to bring people back from the Union Square Mall into the city centre (should the mall have been approved in the first place, and what were the financial projections for the future of the existing independent retailers?  It certainly has harmed city centre businesses).

Then Ian Wood, former Chair of Scottish Enterprise http://www.scotland.gov.uk/News/Releases/2000/06/f1eb0785-1ad2-4379-8fc1-9dd399024b7b decided, while SE was meant to be helping Peacock,to build a web.  Peacock didn’t stand a chance.

Until we know all of the facts behind this volte face, you have to wonder what kind of ethics were in play.  Speaking of ethics, a few more things to remember.

6.  Spending other people’s money is easy as history shows – would this project turn into a mega cash cow and construction/consultation jobs for the usual suspects?

You could certainly be forgiven for asking this question.  Here is a little piece on Sir Ian’s old Scottish Enterprise, and how while axing jobs, hospitality sucked up budget  http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/193483/Outrage-over-Scottish-enterprise-chiefs-1m-hospitality-bill

Who would be keeping an eye on the spending for the web, the inevitable onslaught of consultants, the construction and likely overruns? Is this a gift horse or a cash cow for the boys?  If ACSEF managed to bill the city for pro-web propaganda including £150 to take a picture showing the park to be ‘inaccessible’ what hope is there that people would act responsibly with £90 million of taxpayer-backed loans?

utgburnspic
The original Aberdeen City Gardens Trust companies were private individuals – the usual suspects Tom Smith and Co., with no major project management or architectural skills on this scale.   Would they really be in a position to manage this project keeping a reign on finances?
Arguably, Wood didn’t think so – he felt it necessary to pledge millions more for cost over-runs.

Some firms have done quite nicely so far; see https://aberdeenvoice.com/2012/02/the-great-city-gardens-project-gravy-train/

But as his pledges to back off if the garden project got the thumbs down have been conveniently ignored, and replaced by blackmail threats such as his latest pledge to put a project on the table which he will approve of by Christmas or he’s off to Africa with his £50 million, can you believe the over-run pledge or any pledge for that matter.  And speaking of Africa…

7.  Venture Philanthropy and helping Rwanda’s…Tea Plantation Owners

I invite the Wood Family Trust to explain how much money it has to hand, and how much it is spending on pensions for its members (when I last looked at the Office of the Scottish Charities Register, just under £30 million is sitting around, unused, and pensions were being paid to its members, who are the Wood Family plus Jennifer Craw…)

They can do whatever they want with their money; they can pay generous pensions to their board members.  They may even be able to take this money to Africa.  Will it go on victims of Rwanda’s social and health problems?  Not directly – it will go to producing more tea.  How this can be done without cutting more forest down will be interesting to learn; and I invite them to enlighten me.

Venture Philanthropy seems to be a newish phenomenon where the ‘donors’ sometimes expect some form of return for their ‘donation.’

8.  Democracy out the window if the web comes in

There are planning laws; there are procedures for those who want to build.  We have common good land; it is Union Terrace Gardens.  If we give control of our land to Tom Smith and Co. in an unaccountable, arm’s-length company to build Wood’s web, where does that leave the right of the common man?

10.  If you wanted to put something back into the community  Sir Ian – why did you take £22K from a struggling local authority to pay for an ‘educational’ pilot promoting the idea of entrepreneurship?

Not only are people good at spending taxpayer money; they are also good at clawing money back from the taxpayer.

The city also paid the WFT £22,000 for an educational pilot scheme

The Wood Family Trust invoiced Aberdeen City Council for a pilot programme based on entrepreneurial philosophy.  A billionaire taking money from the local council to carry out his programme, and wanting us to consider his generosity at the same time.

Wood Family Trust

The Wood Family Trust (WFT) is listed as having paid £160,000 towards the CGP referendum. The taxpayer chipped in £40,000.

The city also paid the WFT £22,000 for an educational pilot scheme involving Kincorth Academy ‘per contract’. What contract ACC and the WFT have entered into will make interesting reading. Perhaps other charitable trusts have contracted with ACC – but why a charity should be engaged by contract on an educational scheme is at present unclear.

https://aberdeenvoice.com/wp-content/gallery/images2/wood-family-trust-get-22-k-from-acc-nov-11.jpg

10.  The granite web won’t cost the taxpayer anything.  Rubbish.  It’s cost us plenty already which could have gone on people – or just plain improving the gardens

Here is a small extract from the ‘Gravy Train’ article (link above).

Item Description Date Amount
1 Technical Feasibility Study to undertake an engineering, cost and design appraisal of the development options for UTG, each incorporating an arts centre. Jun 2009 £162k
2 Architect, Design & Project management fees for a Contemporary Arts Centre project Feb 09/May 10 £226k
3 Consultation Report – City Square Project.. Mar 2010 £113,915
4 Union Terrace Gardens (TIF)-Tax Increment Financing Mar 10
Oct 10
Nov 10		 £71,959.65
5 Scottish Enterprise holds 22 copies of invoices relating to ACSEF approved spend for activities relating to stakeholder engagement, events management, and communications. [sic] 2009-10
2010-11		 £51,766.60
£22,712.72

(source – Scottish Enterprise email exchange with Suzanne Kelly May 2011)

11.  Speaking of morals – how about just paying the full amount of tax you should Sir Ian, without using offshore schemes?

12.  Maybe if we had the benefit of his wealth via his fair share of taxes, we could see some real economic, social benefit. 

Sir Ian, are you using any tax devices which allow money to avoid taxation, such as offshore payroll arrangements for you or WGPSN employees?

If so, do you think the public’s interests might be better served by your paying your fair share in tax for it to be deployed as government sees fit (not that I have a great deal of faith in government, but there is some democratic hope money will be spent as needed) rather on what is an overblown, badly-designed monstrous vanity project?  Just asking.

Uncharacteristically, the P&J carried this on the subject:  http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/2198187

13.  We still need some fresh air.  Ridiculous claims of ‘doubling’ the green space by building a web are a thin veneer easily scratched away – as would any turf planted on the raised garden floor would be as well.

This city has very few trees in its city centre.  It also has two of Scotland’s most polluted roads according to Friends of the Earth.

Back off our garden; back off our trees.

What if?

If I had a tenth of his money, I would enhance the gardens (let people put in a small play area, let there be a café to encourage social use of the gardens; the parties that have been held are great for bringing people together).  The gardens are not the problem.

UTG hanging flowers
I would take over brownfield site and regenerate; we could use social meeting places; places for older citizens to gather, places for people with mobility issues to socialize; places for children to safely play, to learn arts, to have fun.

I’d build Peacock or build an arts/social centre on brownfield. I’d give money to the bodies cruelly axed by Kate Dean.

I would not build parking in a garden; I would not chop trees down.

I would not continue to divide a city I had damaged while pursuing my egotistical, self-centered fantasy.

We do not need more shops.

If I had the time, money and energy of the P&J team, I could spin out another 10 pages of reasons why the web has to stay in the dustbin, and why its genesis should be fully investigated.  For now I suggest averting your eyes from the P&J, remembering what actually took place, and thanking your stars it hasn’t been built yet.

Better still, tell your elected rep you want the whole thing investigated, the project denounced, and stop buying AJL papers until they start reporting news, not what they want to make happen.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 126 – The Donald Ducks

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  7 Responses »
Jul 122013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

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With the warmer weather, all sorts of undesirables are on the move in our area.  Recently these dodgy types somehow infiltrated the otherwise inaccessible Union Terrace Gardens, and havoc reigns.  Some of these people are so out of their heads on Ribena and Cola (‘coke’ to give it its slang term), that they have taken to lying down on blankets for hours, enjoying what they call ‘grass’ and ‘sun’.

Some of them are barely dressed, wearing shorts and sleeveless tops.  The sooner we get a web under construction, the sooner these miscreants will leave.

Thankfully, just as King Arthur will return to the people one day, Kate Dean has resurfaced.  Her triumphant return to the public eye surely presages her return to public life. 

The Press & Journal gave her a cover photo, and several pages to admonish us for not having the web of granite.  She is quite right in saying we will remember where we were on the day the web died.

As to me, I was in the city council chambers, listening to the likes of Jennifer Craw baying like wounded banshees when the web was kicked into the long grass.  Then I accompanied several other granite web refusnik  nimby-types, and celebrated with a few beers.  Where were you when Kennedy, Elvis and the City Gardens Project died?  If it’s not too emotionally distressing to share your Web memories, please do write in.

There was also a striking photo of Kate petting a cat, which in no way put me in mind of Ian Fleming’s Blofeld character.  Kate tells us she is now working for/with Remploy.  Many Remploy factories are set to close across the country; perhaps this is the time for her to campaign to help those with special needs and abilities to fight for their support services…

After months of research and interviews covering all sides of the Menie Estate saga, the BBC’s Panorama aired on Monday this week.  I joined a dozen or so people in a local pub to watch the programme’s first airing together.

Personally, I was very disappointed.  I’ve spent most of the past 5 months waiting for this programme, wondering what Sarah Malone Bates would be wearing on camera, and how her rapier-like wit would deal with reporter John Sweeney’s questions.  Alas!  I don’t think we got to see her at all!

What’s the point of being the Vice President if you don’t get to be on telly?  I wonder if the catch phrase ‘You’re Fired!’ ever enter her mind when she thinks of her TV star boss?

We can all learn a few public relations tips from his Panorama performance

First, it was awfully good of The Donald and his Mini Me to find time to talk to the Beeb, in between trips to Africa to kill leopards and dangerous elephants, hacking bits off  the carcases for lovely trophies.  I’m not the only girl to have swooned at the footage of the Trump clan braving the jungle to kill critters.  A woman sitting next to me turned very pale at the images of the dead things and severed tails in the Panorama clip; it must have been because the guys were so macho.

We can all learn a few public relations tips from his Panorama performance.  In case you missed it on Monday, here’s a handy link for future viewing:-  http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b036yklf/Panorama_The_Trouble_with_Trump/  Inevitably, this week’s definitions are connected to the show.

Bromance: (modern English) Term used to describe a close friendship between two men.

Alex and Donald; Donald and Alex.  They met, they started a transatlantic bromance over lobster, oysters, champagne and planning permission.

North East Scotland was going to get 7,000 jobs (Trump says in the interview with John Sweeney) and a billion pound golf and housing complex.  In exchange Salmond was going to over-ride environmental protection and protocol.  Hand in hand they romped over The Great Dunes of Scotland (aka the Menie coastline).

It was all too good to last.  They broke up, and the dirty linen hit the headlines.

The bromance between Don and Alex has died; and no love is lost between Local Hero and Top Scot Michael Forbes and the Donald, either.  in the recent past Trump has called Forbes ‘a porker’ – heaven knows what precisely that means.  Let’s assume it means Forbes is not as physically pleasing as Trump – but then again, who is?  When John Sweeney asked Michael Forbes how he felt at being called a porker, Forbes responded:

 “that was pretty good coming from a clown.”

Sadly, I see no bromance brewing there, either.

Don’t look for a budding romance between Anthony Baxter and Donald Jr either.  Baxter was accused of being a criminal by Junior, quite understandably.  Film maker Baxter went (as directed) to Trump’s site office to discuss the loss of water to the properties; the Trump people accidentally broke a crucial water pipe and accidentally left the residents without water for 7 days.

Junior says Baxter went into a house uninvited with a camera over his shoulder.  That house was the site office, and Baxter was told to go there by Trump staff, all captured on film.

Quite rightly the police then busted Baxter and his pal on the Trump site manager’s say-so.  Now Junior says Baxter is a criminal; Baxter for some reason seems to think Don Jun is a liar. ( No valentines this year then).

To Read: (English – infinitive verb) to look at printed words and digest their contents.

The arguments between Salmond and Trump were at the height of acrimony on two topics:-

Did Salmond ask Trump’s support over the release of the Lockerbie bomber?  Did Salmond promise there would be no offshore wind farms?  The answers seem to be yes and no respectively.

Donald seems to have proof that Alex wanted a letter of support from Trump.  Trump tells us this would have hurt his popularity (as if such a thing were possible).

But what of Trump’s continued cries of foul over the offshore wind farm?

Trump states in his unabridged copy of the Panorama interview that George Sorial was present when Salmond promised not to allow offshore wind farms.  As unbiased a witness as one could wish for, it is a pity Sorial or someone in his office didn’t read the part of the 2008 Scottish Government Reporters’ planning report that referred to the wind farms.  For alas!  If our First Minister did make such a promise, it didn’t register with the government reporters; their report which gave approval for the golf complex reads in part:-

“21.106 “No particular concerns are raised about the coastal path network, landscape impact, links to the airport or the proposed offshore wind development. It was agreed that the only particular issue for the city council was whether the proposed housing would have an effect on the traffic in the city,  such as at the Bridge of Don…”  
http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Resource/Doc/212607/0067709.pd

Colour me over-cautious, but if a government report on my multi-million pound project came out, I’d have one of my legal guys read it.

If such a report made reference to ‘the proposed offshore wind development’ when I thought my pal had promised there was not going to be an offshore wind development, I’d probably look into it before building bunds, bulldozing the place and locking the gates shut.

I’m no lawyer, I’m no town planner, I’m no Donald Trump – but to me a report referring to a proposed offshore wind development would make me wonder if there were a proposed offshore wind development.

Easy mistake.  Perhaps the Trump people should hire some experts going forward to look at documents and legalities.  But clearly Team Trump wasn’t going to make any further mistakes, and so he decided to film the film makers.

Media Bias: (modern English) a condition of television/print media/radio to have a particular stance on issue or issues, demonstrated in the contents of its publications/broadcasts favouring one side of an issue. (Aberdeen residents won’t know much about media bias, but thankfully that left-wing, biased, socialist bastion which is the BBC provides one).

The Trump Organisation had a brilliant idea – Trump made his own video tape of John Sweeney interviewing him, and posted the ‘uncut’ interview footage on YouTube.  This would let the world see how biased the BBC is.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZlHvVbHqVI

It may be a hard concept for Press & Journal / Evening Express readers to grasp – but sometimes news reports can be slightly skewed to play up or play down particular stories at the whims of owners, or even editors of media companies.  The Donald wanted, per usual, to make sure he captured the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

The Trump videotape begins by explaining that John Sweeney has a ‘lousy reputation’.  I’m sure the BBC are really sweating it now.  I’m sure if someone posted on a public website that Trump had a lousy reputation, Donald would just forgive and forget, and not launch any nasty lawsuits.  I guess we’ll see if Sweeney is as magnanimous as Trump.

No doubt the BBC created a wholly one-sided Panorama programme.  This is evidenced by the extensive interviews Panorama held with father and son.  Obviously, the only reason these gun-toting, slightly aggressive gentlemen look bad is because of how the BBC edited them.

So what does this video show?  What devious  Machiavellian twists of the BBC are laid bare?

The tape begins with Donald explaining how his mom / grand mom loved Scotland (aww), and how the only logical tribute to this love was to put up a few hundred homes and a golf course or two on The Great Dunes Of Scotland.  The interview was going swimmingly; I was starting to warm towards Trump myself, then bang!  The aggressive interviewer had the temerity to ask about a massive lawsuit and possible mafia entanglement.  Oh dear.

Unfortunately the Trump team’s camera failed to record this mafia/Ft Lauderdale section of the interview; the screen went black.  Mr Trump then had to leave immediately to go see a group of people, quite understandably.  The Trump-recorded tape ends with a black screen with text inviting the viewer to ‘notice the reaction of the producer in the back ground who expressed her disgust with Mr Sweeney’s unfair and biased interview.  Quite right.

As if Mr Trump having leased his name to a now-failed Ft Lauderdale development with over 40 people now filing lawsuits has any bearing on his ability to create a development here.  You’d almost think the poor man has a bad track record.

Some spoilsports who objected to granting permission for the development at Menie had expressed concerns with the Trump organisation’s track record and reputation.  But this wasn’t going to get in the way of his company being deemed suitable to have its way with The Great Dunes of Scotland.

Back in the day, the government reporters’ report referred to some of these objections:-

“We were passed some letters of objection from the public that contain offensive remarks about the applicant and his business; inappropriate comments directed at others; defamatory and personal comments about councillors involved in decision making in Aberdeenshire; and political statements favouring one party over another.

“None of these matters has any bearing on the planning merits of the case and such comments have been discounted from our consideration which is concentrated on those issues that are relevant to deciding an outline planning application.”

 We should all thank those unbiased government decision makers, not least the Aberdeenshire planning officers who brushed away these petty concerns.  Trump may not have brought the 7,000 jobs or the houses or the hotel yet, but that’s surely nothing to do with his track record.  It’s only the wind farms stopping us from having the world’s greatest golf course.

Next week’s definitions:  unaccountable, back-tracking, deceitful, scheming, exaggeration, manipulation – and other planning-related technical terms.

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Dog City?

 Aberdeen City, Information, Satire and Humour  10 Responses »
Jun 282013
 

no-not-that-kind-of-dogging
Lets talk about …..Dogging. Dave Watt writes.

Dogging is a predominantly British activity that involves outdoor exhibitionism in car-parks, wooded areas and the like.
The term dogging originated in the early Seventies to describe men who spied on couples having sex outdoors. These men would ‘dog’ the couples’ every move in an effort to watch them.

When uninhibited couples discovered that open-air sex has its own special thrill they began meeting in car-parks, and the doggers found a new and rich supply of voyeuristic fun.

Moreover, the doggers soon realised that couples were actively encouraging them to watch, even performing for them, and sometimes allowing them to join in.

Is Dogging legal?

Currently in the UK dogging is mentioned in the sexual offences act under Section 66 – Exposure and Section 67 – Voyeurism.

Section 66 of the law specifically states that if doggers intend to cause alarm or distress to members of the public then they are breaking the law and face consequences. In other words, it is not illegal to have sex outdoors but you can get in trouble if an innocent passerby spots you and is offended.

So, if you’ve got a spotty bum let’s get Mr Clearasil to work and give those cheeks a good airing.

Dogging Requirements – A car. No matter how well developed your calf muscles, turning up on a bike is a real ‘no-no’.

To attract the attention of fellow doggers: flash either headlights or interior car lights.

Participation etiquette :

Interior car light on – invitation for any nearby doggers to watch.

Car windows open – invitation for any nearby doggers to touch, grope or feel.

Car door open – invitation for any nearby doggers to participate in sex act.

Bent naked over bonnet of your car  – basically an open invite to all comers although a certain amount of decorum in the shape of an orderly queue should be maintained. Play nice, people.

Why dog at all?

Although obviously the protagonists main motivation is sex many doggers cite such other benefits as getting out in the fresh air and meeting lots of new people.

Dogging in Aberdeen

The Counteswells Car-Park opposite the EquestrianSchool has a thriving evening turnover with Friday and Saturday nights apparently best for the serious dogger. Daytime action tends to be most common at Parkhill Picnic Area at the Bridge of Don although there are other areas around the city – down beside the river near Baker Hughes in Stoneywood and the road at the end of Leggart Terrace towards Banchory Devenick being two other favoured locations.

Top Dogs in the UK

A survey recently showed that the top areas for dogging in the UK are Essex (where their desire to embrace Nigel Farage is surpassed only by their desire to embrace each other naked in secluded car parks)  Kent and London with our own Strathclyde and Lothian, sadly, in the bottom ten. Hang your heads in shame, as they say, Strathclyde and Lothian.

A Window of Opportunity

However, with the failure of Southern Scotland in the dogging stakes is this not a golden opportunity for the Granite City to seize the moment by becoming Scotland’s Dog City? After the disappointment of Aberdeen not getting the UK’s City of Culture by apparently not sticking two million tons of concrete on top of a city park let us not be dismayed.

Let us instead look upward and onward and above all, innovatively.  Since Union Terrace Gardens aren’t going to be home to a conglomeration of chain stores that will bring in more tourists every year than the Grand Canyon how can we best utilise it  in its present format?

Simples. Let’s turn UTG into Britain’s first custom made Dogging Centre.

Commercially, this could be a goldmine for the city

Obviously a certain amount of work will need to be done, planting bowers and creating dogging bays around the perimeter of the Gardens and of course, some sort of one way system will have to be introduced for traffic control.

Other innovations could include the discreet lighting of trees lit from below as per the Tivoli gardens in Copenhagen which would add much to the nocturnal dogging scene and, for those inclement winter months, some outdoor heaters for the fair weather dogger.

Commercially, this could be a goldmine for the city with an entry dogging fee and fast food licences to be sold to prospective outlets. Obviously, after an evening of trouser antics out in the fresh air Mr & Ms Dogger (or Mr & Mr Dogger for that matter) are going to be dying for a fag and a good feed.

Perhaps Ann Summers might want to open a stall for those ‘last minute things’ that one of the protagonists has forgotten to pack. Attendants could also roam the Gardens selling KY Jelly, Viagra  and ‘interesting’ condoms.

For those doggers who wish to ‘show what they’ve got’ there could be the establishment of an entry fee spectators gallery overlooking the main action spots and for those doggers who want a record of the event we could initiate the sale of discreetly packaged DVDs.

Another nice earner could be the sale of souvenir t-shirts. with such ‘witty’  messages as ‘My Mum and Dad spent four hours dogging in Union Terrace Gardens and all they brought me back was this lousy t-shirt and some penicillin.’

Enterprising garages could tender for  a combined MOT and Service While You Dog offer. The commercial possibilities are endless. This is not the time for shilly-shallying –  we must seize the moment to put Aberdeen on the Dogging Map.

Over to you, Comrade Barney.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 119 – Nudge, Nudge

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  3 Responses »
May 022013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary
Tally Ho!  This past week there was an astonishingly great fashion show by Gray’s School of Art second and third year fashion students, held in The Seven Incorporated Trades of Aberdeen.
It was professionally organised, smoothly and elegantly run (with a great reception), and the work on show was by any standard advanced beyond the expected level.  More on that elsewhere in Aberdeen Voice.

Let’s take a bit of a break from Mr Trump this week I think.  Besides which, he’s about to issue writs to the Scottish Government and I’m really scared!  If Donald doesn’t want windfarms, Donald will take us to court!

When a law abiding man like that takes legal action, you know he’s not doing it frivolously.  I’m sure he’s got a point:  hardly anyone’s signing up for golf at Balmedie, and it’s almost as if the 6,000 jobs that were created might be in peril. 

This lack of golfers could be due to the sandstorms, hailstorms, rain and cold weather, but far more likely people are staying away in case they’d have to see a wind farm offshore.  If I’m going to spend £195 for a round of golf, then have a £100 lunch for two consisting of a few burgers, fries and coffees, I don’t want to be looking at windfarms, either.  For that kind of money, I want Led Zeppelin performing live.

I hear the Mayday march might be cancelled this year.  Since all of the labour force is now doing so very well under the Coalition Government, the unions decided there is no need for any display.  Things are almost as great as when the entire town marched against Kate Dean.

There is also to be a party and events in Union Terrace Gardens that afternoon, but since it is so full of criminals and drug smugglers, I’m sure we’ll all be too afraid to go there.  If only we could have had the granite web.

The beautiful granite-clad concrete web may be toast now, but then again, we look set to get some very fetching, brand new glass-box office buildings soon.  Really, how do these trendy architects come up with these great designs?

These happening, nearly modern buildings will replace St Nicholas’ House.  The complex will blend right into the local architecture of Marischal College and won’t stick out like a dated pastiche predictable cheap sore thumb whatsoever.  No doubt these glass box office buildings will look absolutely state-of-the art near the Milne Triple Kirks glass box office buildings and won’t seem old dated and dirty in 3 years or less.

Given the seagull and pigeon populations, this may be a good time to open a window cleaning business.

Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre

Speaking of Triple Kirks, poor Stewart certainly has had his difficulties lately.  He may have failed to get Scottish football teams to vote with him despite his use of reasoned debate, but at least he showed the city centre wildlife he was boss.

You may remember how Stewart Milne, saviour of Scottish Football and tasteful developer arranged to have the long-settled peregrine falcons ‘discouraged’ from nesting in the Triple Kirks site when he took it over.  Well done Stewart.

Unlike clever, business-orientated Aberdeen, Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre.  The people of Norwich surprisingly find their rare peregrines and the newly-hatched chicks a source of interest, tourism, pride and education as they and the wider world watch the birds on cctv.  More info here:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-22368516 .

The RSBP believes there are fewer than 1400 breeding pairs in the UK.  With as many as that around, it is no wonder the previous Aberdeen City Council administration didn’t discourage Milne from discouraging the birds.  We need more office buildings you see.

As there is clearly not enough building work going on to placate important local contractors, some still cling to the possibility of turning Union Terrace Gardens into a parking lot/shopping mall, which we so desperately need.  What other explanation is there for the continued existence of the limited company which is the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust?

They’re still listed as an active company at Companies House, with directors Tom Smith, Lavinia Massie and of course Colin Crosby.  (I wonder how they managed to get so much positive Granite Web coverage in Chamber of Commerce publications?  Perhaps as a board member, Colin could help field the answer to this mystery.)  Then again, Colin is also on the Aberdeen Harbour Board, which now seeks to expand into the remaining coastal greenbelt.

An ambitious man, Colin; he’ll make us all rich yet.  Well, some of us rich anyway.

Between the ACGT, ACSEF, the Harbour Board, the Chamber of Commerce, Brewin Dolphin, and the board of Robert Gordon’s College, it’s a wonder Crosby hasn’t dropped any balls.

 we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do

For some reason I’m reminded of an episode of Dr Who in which invading aliens try to build monstrosities all over any green space they could all in the name of profit, although I can’t think why that should spring to mind just now.

Yes, it’s men like Colin who disprove the otherwise sound, logical government experiment in Nudge Theory.  I’m sure we all know what this important Nudge Theory is, but I’ll get onto it with a definition or two anyway.

Nudge Theory: (modern English jargon phrase) Behavioural theory that people are inherently lazy and need to be pushed into doing what is best for them.

The Nanny State lives on, and thank goodness for that.

It’s like this:  only the Colin Crosbys, Stewart Milnes and other rich businessmen aren’t lazy – the rest of us are.  Worse, we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do.  This highly-scientific theory is now a government triumph!  Result!  Not only is it part of the reason the country’s doing so well, but it’s also going to  be launched as an initiative!

And you thought there was no good news around.

The BBC covers this marvellous development, and supplies examples of what might otherwise sound like idiotic psychobabble.  For instance, if manufacturers put a label on a bottle of wine to the effect that the average person drinks one glass of wine a day, we’ll all follow suit and do just that.

School children will start eating healthier at lunchtimes too.  Why?  Because we’re going to put the tastier junk food items in locations that are more difficult to reach than healthier options.  This logic is brilliant!  You can see examples of how this works in the shops today.  Since lad’s mags, fags and booze are kept out of reach no one buys them because they’re too lazy to do so.

It’s clear this Nudge Theory is going to take off; it’s so easy to understand.

This scheme is going to make the government millions as well as make all of us safer and less stressed by having to think for ourselves.  I personally look forward to having my laziness used to steer me into good behaviour in this subtle manner.  It’s not at all Kafkaesque or Orwellian for the government to spend our time and our money on getting us to fall into line and be good.

But the really good news is that this will be a ….

Partnership Model: (modern English jargon) A business entity or company formed by government and private enterprise.

Well, since forming in 2010 the brains behind this great Nudge Theory scheme have really come together to ambitiously turn this scientific theory into a money-spinner.  Old Susannah has to wonder if people are inherently lazy, then what sets the people behind this Nudge Theory Partnership Model and their work to go into business with their scheme apart from the rest of us lazy, weak-willed populace.

I guess that they’re just smarter, better, brighter than we are.  Only to the worst kind of lazy cynic would this great humanitarian scheme look like a brazen wheeze and ploy to earn money for old and unnecessary rope.

Here’s what the BBC, lazy as they are, were able to find out:-

“It could become the first of “dozens” of elements of Whitehall to be spun out, as Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude plans to shake-up the Civil Service.

“A spokesman for Mr Maude said: ‘We are in a global race for the jobs and opportunities of the future. To get Britain back on the rise we must find innovative ways to deliver better services more efficiently’. [Old Susannah wonders if Mr Maude was too lazy to make his own statement to the press, and had to be ‘nudged’ into releasing a statement by this spokesman]

“’It’s great news that the world-renowned ‘nudge’ unit is spinning out from central government. As a mutual they will combine the benefits of private sector experience and investment with the innovation and commitment from staff leadership.  This accelerates our drive to make public assets pay their way. We hope to support dozens more new spin outs over the next few years. This is a whole new growth area and Britain is leading the way.”

Well, I’m impressed.  We’re going to make money out of exploiting people’s natural fecklessness.

The government will join with a private company (no doubt one completely unrelated to any government ministers, tax avoiders or big business interests or lobbyists.  Then, they’ll sell the scheme back to the government, which will demand government offices buy into it.

Lazy?  I guess you could say fecklessness is off and running as a way to make profits.  Or something like that.

Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics

I wonder what this great wheeze will wind up earning for the taxpayer over the years?  Undoubtedly we’ll all be better off.  Otherwise, they’ll just tell us we’ll be better off, and we’ll be too lazy and/or too stupefied by our one glass of wine a day to bother to find out the real story.

If I could only motivate myself to do some work, or even to open another BrewDog.

Ages ago the Government started privatising everything, and look how well that’s turned out.  For instance, Group Four security started running various prison services.  These went so well, Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics without any problems at all.  Could the government complain if things went wrong?

Not really – the contracts were sewn up very well, government and private sector overlaps tended to help each other out or at least look the other way if problems arose, and lobbyists were always on hand with sweeteners to keep the cogs well oiled.  And so it will be with the private/public money-spinning Partnership Model, which will industriously make money out of the fact we the people are lazy.

Nudge Nudge wink wink indeed.

With the Mayday march about to take place, I think we should extend an invitation to the brave, pioneering, hard-working men and women behind Nudge Theory and the Partnership Model to come and join in.  I have no doubt that if our teachers, carers, volunteers, firemen, etc. could meet the Nudge professionals, they’d understand just what real hard work is.

I was going to write about the latest in relation to the standoff between the press and the government over press regulation.  I was going to write something about Trump, windfarms, and golf, but I realise that I’m just too lazy to do so.

So it’s off to watch some television until I fall asleep, and hope the government will give me some clear pointers on what to do and what not to do, but without me having to even know I’m being steered to do the right thing, as decided by the Nudge Theory think-tank.  As long as I don’t have to think too much, or do much, that’ll suit me fine.

Time for my one glass of wine.

Next week – more fecklessness, or possibly some recklessness.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 114 – Stop (the) Press!

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  12 Responses »
Mar 212013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

Tally Ho! Apologies for the late running of this column.

For one thing I’ve been a bit tied up with issues at the Menie Estate.  I’ve compiled a report covering some of the little issues people have with the galaxy’s greatest golf course and Mr Trump. Leaving aside boring issues such as the quality of life for residents, visitors and wildlife, it was a huge honour to be one of the first people to see the brand new plaque by the course’s temporary (?) clubhouse.

This plaque tells you the course has been ‘weaved’ through the ‘largest dunes in the world’.

Of course it has.  I wonder whether The Donald wrote this brilliant prose himself, or if one of our BiG local PR agencies devised it for him.  It is very inspirational – I just won’t tell you what I felt inspired to do.

While at the course I had hoped to interview some of the thousands of new employees working in the promised golf jobs, and ask what was going on with the millions of pounds of income generated.  I couldn’t find these new employees – perhaps they were all out counting their money.  However, I was lucky enough to see one of the rarest forms of wildlife, the lesser-spotted Sarah Malone-Bates.

It was wearing a bright pink blouse (which was interesting, as the rest of us needed coats, hats and gloves).  She must have been cold, but a little suffering is the price of beauty.  (I note that there are a few beauty contests coming up in our area; isn’t it great to know how important looks are, and what humanitarian ends beauty contest winners can get up to.

Some say beauty is skin deep; others that beauty is as beauty does.  I wonder what Mrs Maloney-Baloney thinks.  They also say you get the face you deserve by the time you’re 40.  I wonder what Mr Trump thinks on that score).

Other than that, there has been so much activity of late that it’s hard to know where to start.

First, a thank you to the nice people at Lunan Farm Shop & Cafe, who helped me when my mobile phone got lost.  I was quite put out, worried I might miss a call asking me to join ACSEF, or offering me a vice-presidency job at Trump International.  I have my phone back now, and am awaiting those calls which should come any day now.

What Lunan and the Farm Shop/Cafe lack in connectivity and vibrancy, they make up for in other ways and then some.  Like being nice and serving real food.

As per usual an amazing visit to BrewDog; their man Fisher has painted an amazing black and white mural there, and starting 25/3, the walls will feature artwork from up and coming area residents.

What’s clean air and wildlife compared to someone somewhere making money?

When I go jogging around Nigg Bay, there are more and more other joggers to be seen, as well as walkers, cyclists, golfers and wildlife spotters.  We’re all thrilled to think the Harbour Board wants to ruin the last stretch of coastline with potential harbour expansion.  Money before environment has worked really well in Aberdeenshire.

We’ve got a great situation at Menie, with compromised SSSIs, we’ve got some of the top ten most polluted roads (funny that includes roads near the harbour), and a sewage plant.  Let’s just finish the job, deal nature a final blow, and turn Nigg Bay into a money-maker, too.  What’s clean air and wildlife compared to someone somewhere making money?

Before getting to some definitions,  there is some sad news.  A gentle giant, humble, meek and softly-spoken has left Aberdeen City Council (no, not Pete Leonard.  Yet).  Perhaps you’d best sit down (if you’re not already):  Gerry Brough has left – resigned.

Without Gerry, we couldn’t have spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on the City Garden Project, which brought so much harmony to our city.  His timid, mild behaviour at meetings might have made him easy to overlook, but let’s look at some of his many accomplishments.

Without Gerry, we might have had a chance to vote ‘No’ to building in UTG when presented with the shortlist of ‘designs’ for turning UTG into shops and parking.  Where would we have been then?

He selflessly ‘donated’ about 11 hours per week of his own time to sit on various City Garden Project committees, with no thought of eventual reward, disregarding EU work-time directives.  I’m sure his family felt deprived of his sunny disposition.

Some might say this free work done by Brough Trade was a smokescreen to make it look as if the project didn’t cost anything to the taxpayer and to help him get in with the ACSEF mob or the odd billionaire.  But I knew he had a good heart.  A heart of granite.

For some strange reason, several of the shops have folded, and one became an internet business

Who else will represent Aberdeen in Houston and Grenoble? We flew him there for very important meetings and conventions last year.  If those important meetings coincided with cuts to services for the elderly and school facilities, it was worth it.  Then there was the way he was fair to both sides of the garden referendum debate.

His involvement in how the referendum question was worded was sadly not appreciated by the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens.  Gerry said at the time the FOUTG were trying to ‘undermine’ the process.

If by undermining it he meant not accepting 11th hour wording changes or being railroaded into a lamely-worded question, Gerry was right. (see also https://aberdeenvoice.com/2011/12/utg-referendum-question-already-soured/ ).

He also helped give us ’Retail Rocks!’ in Torry.  On the one hand, it brought shops back into use.  Well, for a few months anyway.  Even if this rocking scheme created unfair advantage for the new shopkeepers over existing businesses, and took tens of thousands of taxpayer pounds in the process, it’s what Gerry wanted. I think this was really just his way of helping to stimulate the economy (for consultants and shopfitters).

For some strange reason, several of the shops have folded, and one became an internet business.  It is almost as if having a shop premise selling goods isn’t as profitable as selling goods on the intranet.  Still, this kind of forward-thinking scheme won an award of some kind.

Some people would say that service industries are a better way to go to get empty shops filled, lower rates for all ‘ma and pa’ businesses would also help, and using empty shops for artwork displays, events, charity fundraisers and so on would stimulate high street growth.  But Gerry knew best, and now, <sob>  he’s gone.

Rumours of Independent, Labour, Conservative politicians joining 99% of the ACC staff in dancing on tables and celebrating with BrewDogs are unconfirmed.  Adios Ger.

This week there are many interesting developments concerning freedom of the press:  i.e. – there might not be much of it going forward.  Here are a few definitions to try and make sense of what happened to the media, and what might happen.

Monopoly: (Eng. noun) – situation in which one person or company owns all or nearly all of a given resource or market sector putting them in a completely dominant position.

Aside from Private Eye magazine and a few quirky politicians, the UK government bent over backward to allow Rupert Murdoch to get as near a monopoly over the UK’s media, print and broadcast as was possible.  Quite right too.  It was June 2010, Rupe had the Sun, the Times, and he wanted BSB too.

What could possibly be wrong with one person controlling the majority of the media?  Why nothing.  As one professor put it:-

“It is vital to guard against just having a knee-jerk, ideological objection to Mr Murdoch – his companies produce an exceptionally large amount of very high quality content” – Tim Luckhurst, Professor of journalism at the University of Kent
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10317856

I guess I should define ‘high quality content’ sometime.

Murdoch’s empire dwarfed the BBC, and outbid them on major sports programmes which Rupert then put on satellite television, where everyone could watch for a small fee.  Or for a giant fee if you wanted to play a game in your pub or bar.  Everyone was happy.  Well, Rupert was.

The funny thing about having a monopoly and being allowed by government and the police to do whatever you want is that you might start thinking you can do whatever you want.  With the government giving Murdoch the green light for media dominance, and a few scattered police men and women having cosy meetings with News  Corporation operative, things started getting a wee bit dodgy.

The Sun started to get a little adventurous and creative when landing important stories.  Its intrepid investigative reporters devoted their time to finding sex scandals, up skirt shots, hiring private detectives to do a spot of wire-tapping, and paying the paparazzi to take all-important intrusive photos of celebrities and their children.

I’m sure those involved in these activities were free to pursue any journalistic directions they wanted, free from any controlling editors or a right-wing proprietor.  Ah, the golden days of press.  Or was that yellow journalism.

Whatever it was, we bought it.  Profits weren’t that great on the print side, but this was offset by the satellite arm of the empire.  And so it went.  Perhaps the print media also made one or two subtle political hints echoing whichever politician Murdoch favoured.  If so, it was far too subtle for Old Susannah to pick up on.

Leveson Inquiry: (Compound proper English noun).  An inquiry into a variety of press scandals, leading to recommendations for press regulation.

Believe it or not, over the years, there have been one or two scandals in British establishments.  In fact there were one or two minor issues in the banking sector not all that long ago.  These resulted in economic meltdown, loss of the UK’s AAA rating, and austerity measures (unless you worked for a bank or were in government of course).

The government acted swiftly to give the banks a stern talking to, and a few billion pounds to tide them over.  Then followed one or two other minor scandals involving sub-prime mortgages and manipulation of the  LIBOR rates.

These were swiftly followed by more slaps on bankers’ wrists, and lots more subsidies.  That showed them.  Some people point to close links between the ConDems and banking executives, but I’m sure our elected officials would never allow favouritism to cloud their judgment.

Banks weren’t alone in behaving badly for profit.  Newspapers have been involved in one or two unsavoury activities recently, too.  Don’t worry though, the police were on the case.  Or should I say the police were on the take.

Police officials and hacks met for expensive meals in nice London restaurants  Blind eyes were turned; Police and MoD officials pocketed cash from the Sun, and police detectives helped the papers with stories in exchange for money. All the while paparazzi photographers took long-lens shots at celebrities and children of same, to go with stories often obtained illegally.

News was getting replaced by celebrity gossip trash.  The public protested by buying more and more copies of ‘OK!’  ‘Hello!’ ‘I Have No Life Of My Own!’ and so on.

Things went too far; even the police and government couldn’t continue to pretend they weren’t in bed with the tabloids.

You would think that the existing laws could have been enforced at the time

Something must be done, or something had to be seen to be done. It was time for another long, expensive inquiry.  No doubt there would be some outcomes from Leveson criticising how the police were both complicit and enabling to all this phone tapping and story selling.

You could be forgiven for thinking the way forward would be to ensure that paparazzi and reporters are stopped from illegal intrusions and entrapment, and are ordered to respect privacy, especially the privacy of innocent people and children.  You would be wrong.

You would think that the existing laws could have been enforced at the time by a switched-on, honest police force.  But think again.

For the bankers, stern words and subsidies were the answer.  After all, they’ve only cost the taxpayer a few billion in bail-outs.  For the fifth estate, which is historically meant to be a check on politicians, the remedy is different.

Instead of enforcing the laws we already have, the politicians have a great idea:  the press will be held accountable to politicians.  No one is accountable for allowing the monopoly to be created, no code of conduct will be created for the police to ensure they obey and enforce laws, and stop taking hospitality from the press.

No, the entire media sector is solely at fault, not just the tabloids.  Or so they would have you think, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course the details of how regulation will work are sketchy; there are more questions than answers concerning  proposed press regulatory bodies and mandatory sign-up to a government code on the press.

There goes some 400 years of freedom, just to punish the antics of the monopoly press which got away with Murdoch for years.  It’s almost as if government wanted to get control over the entire media sector, and weren’t happy with its history of exposing crooked politicians, out-of-control MOD budgets, NHS management failures, sexed-up dossiers getting us into the Iraq war, and so on.

I for one will find the new government-controlled news much easier to digest

What will this mean to bloggers, small publishers, satire writers?  Possibly ‘exemplary’ fines, lawsuits galore, and lots of rich lawyers.  We just don’t’ know yet.  What will this mean to investigative journalism?

For years we’ve been fed a populist diet of magazines filled with celebrities who are considered too fat one day and too thin the next.  There are shots of stars who get drunk, who have ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ who go out with other stars and then break up.  It’s just as well we’ve taken these important issues to heart – going forward this might be the only kind of news we get.

I for one will find the new government-controlled news much easier to digest.  From now on instead of investigating council waste, issues at the Menie Estate and abuses of office, I can start writing about who’s wearing what, what new beauty queens have been crowned, and how thin or fat they are.

Still, there is one ground-breaking development Old Susannah is happy to share…

Augmented Reality: (modern compound noun)

New technology coming soon to an Aberdeen Journal publication near you!

There I was, wondering about the future of newspapers.  And then I saw this:-

“Make your Evening Express come to life

“App lets readers see videos and images

“Published: 06/03/2013

“Bookmark with:

“Share on linkedinShare on facebookShare on twitterShare on emailShare on gmailShare on stumbleuponShare on favoritesMore Sharing Services

“THE Evening Express today unveiled a revolutionary new way of allowing our readers to interact with the paper.

“Video and 3D images can pop up from the printed page thanks to the innovative new scheme.

“Dubbed augmented reality (AR), the application involves the reader holding their phone over a “trigger” advert, resulting in a series of 3D images and videos displayed through the user’s phone.”

Can we really use our phones to augment my reality?  Yes we can!  I can see it now:  3D Stewart Milne homes, 3D views of Trump golf courses.  Then again, the photos of the Trump course in the recent P&J Golf Supplement look just a bit greener and neater than any photos I’ve managed to take to date.  Could someone be augmenting the reality of the greens?

Maybe we could have augmented reality photos of our councillors as well.  They say this technology can make people seem life-like.  For some of our elected reps, this will be quite an improvement.

Time to go find a copy of ‘OK!’ and see what’s going on in the world.  If I’m not thrown in jail, we’ll see what’s up next week.

PS – For some odd reason Labour are not happy with P&J coverage of a recent event. 

This is very surprising.  Most of us aren’t happy with their coverage of any events.  While they rammed a granite web down our throats and perpetuated the myth it was cost-free, they accidentally forgot to mention  Trump’s VP marrying their editor and skirted the slight bias this might mean.

They seem to have implied a man up in court for drug-dealing was a Labour member/activist; he wasn’t.

The P&J printed the full-page Trump anti-wind farm ad referring to Lockerbie, but refused to take an ad, pre-referendum, from the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens for being ‘too political’.  Its sister paper called those who voted against Trump ‘neeps’ and ‘traitors’.

It said that two deer had died in advance of the Tullos Hill deer slaughter (the deer died two full years earlier, of unknown causes – as wild animals are known to do on occasion).  Other than that, what’s not to like?

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Old Susannah No. 110 – Ding Dong, The Web Is Dead

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  4 Responses »
Feb 022013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

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Bells rang out; glasses clinked as toasts were made; there was dancing and connectivity in the streets (although stolen cars whizzed by). Champagne corks popped dynamically. After many long years, the granite web has been sent to the land of ‘the tooth fairy and unicorns.’  This web has ceased to be. It is an ex-web.

Coincidentally, and I am sure completely without malice, the SNP immediately warned Aberdeen not to count on extra cash from central government. This cash should be coming from increased business rate tax collection (or the tooth fairy – details are hazy).

Nicola Sturgeon apparently still insists that the only way Aberdeen will get any money is to raise our garden to street level, according to a leaked letter. 

Whether this garden-raising demand is enshrined in law somehow seems just a touch dubious. But, Sturgeon or no, we are not having a granite web.  And that is a result.

No more pictures in newspapers of perfectly groomed flower beds and outdoor stages in front of theatres. No more drawings of steep ramps ascending to great heights, only to descend again for no real reason, free from any safety features, structural supports or architectural rationale. We’ll not see the woman sitting in the green grass growing over the potato-shaped wedge of concrete or the giant floating boy any more.

Skateboarders, graffiti artists, ACSEF members and Sir Ian are thought to be inconsolable. However, with his £50 million soon to arrive to help African charities, the end of the web project isn’t all bad.  Every granite web has a silver lining.

Other than that, Old Susannah had a delicious, fun, engaging time at Norwood Hall’s Burns Night Supper. The company was great; the food was special (best haggis, neeps & tatties dish ever), the conversation was genuinely vibrant and dynamic.  The man who addressed the haggis did so in great style.

On Friday it will be time to see local improv troupe Wildly Unprepared, which just celebrated its one-year anniversary last week.  This week’s show starts at 8pm in The Belmont Cinema.

On Saturday, I’ll probably take my usual jog around the lighthouse in Torry (have to keep fit somehow). Running by the Nigg Golf Club, I get to see golfers out in all sorts of weather – extreme winds, torrential rains, snow, you name it.

I conclude these golfers are very fit people, especially if you compare them to protestors in New York City, which must be a very fragile breed indeed. A one-hour long Manhattan protest was called off this week, as the winds might have reached 20 miles per hour.  Safety first I guess. But perhaps there was something more to this protest being halted.

And with that, time for this week’s definitions.

Rent-a-mob (mod. Eng. compound noun) – a group of people who seem to be endlessly attending protest after protest, especially if organised by grass roots leaders.

The above definition from the excellent Urban Dictionary needs to have a second meaning added. This may possibly due to the intervention of Trump organisation supporters. Old Susannah is happy to explain.

Adverts appeared on the intranet; an organisation called Ovation was willing to pay stand-ins, extras, and just random people $20.  All you had to do was be in New York City on Wednesday 30 January and stand behind ‘speakers’ at a protest in front of the British Embassy in Manhattan. Of course most people in New York would gladly have spent an hour fighting UK renewable energy for nothing.

Still, this very generous offer from Ovation was I’m sure just a nice way to say ‘thank you’ to New Yorkers for doing their civic duty by telling the UK not to put up wind farms. It must have been a generous act, otherwise to the cynical it might have looked as if someone was trying to manufacture a stage-managed, fake protest for their own personal ends

I wonder who might have wanted to pay people to back up protest speakers in this situation. I suppose we could try and make a wild guess.  For openers, whoever put out this open call  for a rent-a-mob would have to have some kind of connection both to Manhattan and the UK. Second, they would have to have something against wind turbine energy.

Third, it would have had to be someone with lots of money to rent, – sorry – to reward the would-be protestors. Fourth, it would have had to be someone with something to gain by acting against wind farms being built in the UK.   Yes, it will be hard to find anyone fitting this description. I’m totally stumped.

Even sadder still is that this noble paid protest somehow got rumbled. The person who first found the advertisements alerted the ‘Tripping up Trump’ Facebook page (although I can’t imagine why they decided to tell this particular group about it).

The British Consulate and New York media were alerted.  The ads which had been in publications such as Craig’s List, suddenly disappeared.  But before we could find out who the mystery anti wind farm warrior was, they showed an even more generous side to their nature.  The reason given for the protest being called off was that it was going to rain. And, the winds might even have gone up to 20 miles per hour.

It does occur to me that Trump International on the MenieCoast said it would have jet-setting pro golfers and celebrities  year round, and a round of golf on this course could take about 2 hours. All I can say is I’m glad Trump golfers will not have to face anything as harsh as rain or 20 mph winds. I wonder if you get your money back if the weather gets that severe and you can’t play golf?

Frost Jacking  (mod. Eng. compound noun) the theft of a motor vehicle which the owner is trying to clear of snow and ice before it can be driven.

Never mind any Stig-themed car stealing Facebook Pages; things have moved on and taken a seasonal turn. Frost-jacking seems to be the new fashionable grand theft auto crime. This past week in Belfast, on one morning 9 cars were stolen in 90 minutes.

When the weather is very harsh and cold (even worse than rain and 20 mph wind), people will start their icy cars in the morning to melt the frost and heat the interior. Unfortunately, some of these people haven’t got the memo that there is actually a small bit of car crime going on, so they leave their cars running, getting nice and warm, and they go back into their houses.

Amazingly, some thieves are finding it convenient to steal an unwatched, running, warmed up car. Who would have thought?

Still, I’m sure that crime around the UK is set to take a sharp nosedive, as a new, brilliantly clever police initiative is announced by the ConDems.

Police ‘Direct Entry’ Scheme (UK Government initiative) – a scheme in which highly-ranked foreign police personnel will be allowed to join the UK’s police in senior positions over the promotion of existing UK police personnel.

What could be a better idea than sprucing up UK’s policing than by putting in foreign government police officials in charge? I can’t think of anything that could go wrong there.

Existing police who are hopeful of working their way up the ranks will be delighted to be passed over in favour of police from other countries. Obviously legal, cultural, social, and political bumps may need to be smoothed out.  It might take a few days or even a week or two for someone with no experience of policing in the UK to get to grips with our laws, arrest procedures and so on, but let’s give it a go, shall we?

Apparently, this great scheme is going to be the end to all problems, such as that lovely Leveson enquiry had a wee look at, by wiping out corruption. It is going to accomplish this by promoting people much quicker, and getting foreign police supremos to take the top policing jobs here.

According to the BBC, the brains behind this new plan (Police Minister Damian Green) said there was direct entry in other services, including the Army and the prison service. Fair enough – those sectors are in great shape.  Green apparently commented:-

“… there is no organisation in the world that cannot get better and it must be the case that if you widen the pool of talent, then you will get even better policing in this country.”

Fantastic.  Perhaps they can incorporate some of the USA’s armed response philosophies, or other countries search and seizure policies (search warrants optional), or even some of those extremely effective interrogation techniques found in other countries still.

I believe the law is still on the books in Singapore that vandalism is dealt with by fines, custodial terms and caning (which will split the skin and leave permanent scars). I’m sure high-ranking police there will fit right into how we do things here.  Turkey may be in the EU, but there are still a few wee issues such as alleged torture, and arrest of journalists. Oh wait, we’re already doing that here.

Anyway, let’s get some of those police officials here; I’m sure it won’t take them any time to whip our laws into shape and lead our police to better practices.  Result!

For some reason or other, Steve White, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, seems to think police need to learn police work through first-hand experience and through progressing through the ranks over time. I hope he overcomes this old-fashioned idea before it gets him in trouble.

So, just when you think the ConDems can’t do any more for us, they surprise you again. Thanks guys.

Next week:  more definitions, more news, and the latest crime fads revealed.

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