Feb 102012
 

By Fred Wilkinson.

An Aberdeen resident is “bloody furious” on account of a letter she received from Aberdeen City Council Housing and Environment Committee regarding an increase to parking fees. Joan Macpherson of Kingsland Place, Aberdeen was shocked to discover that the weekly charge for her parking space had risen from £3.40 to £35.

Kingsland Place is located directly across George Street from Gerrard Street and has to date been included in the Gerard Street letting area.

Joan told Aberdeen Voice.

“I have lived here for over 20 years and have had a parking space at 68 Gerrard Street for about 15 years. I find this increase unbelievable”

Joan wrote to the council on 3rd of February requesting an explanation for the increased charge to which she received the following reply from Jane Hogg:

“As my letter states, a review of all the parking spaces within the city was carried out and put to the committee and the outcome of this was to increase the weekly charge to £35pw. Unfortunately, I was not present at the committee therefore cannot comment further on this.

“If you do not want to pay this charge, I would ask that you submit your intention to terminate in writing to myself and this should be received by 4 March 2012. Once the letter is received, an acknowledgement letter will then be sent to you advising the termination date. You can use your parking space up until the termination date.”

Joan added:

“My car park space is paid till the end of March and I for one will not be renewing it. I wonder if this is the only change they have made to their parking charges policy or will increases be applied to all homeowners in the letting area?”

In response to a telephone query from Aberdeen Voice, Jane Hogg was unable to shed more light on the issue other than to suggest the possibilty of a ‘fault in the system’, but has invited Joan to contact her in person by telephone.

Aug 142011
 

The inaugural Friends of Duthie Park open day was eagerly anticipated by the Aberdeen public.  Of particular interest was the return of ‘Spike’ the talking cactus’. After an absence of 10 years, the return of Aberdeen’s legendary talking cactus was a ‘must see’ for Voice’s Fred Wilkinson.

The purpose of the day was to showcase Duthie Park and highlight the major restoration work  to be undertaken shortly within the park and to that end, they certainly achieved their objective with a substantial number of new ‘Friends’ recruited.
Over 2000 visited throughout the afternoon in spite of the heavy shower that interrupted proceedings just before 2 pm![1]

Duthie Park Friend David Macdermid told Aberdeen Voice:

“While the queues to speak to Spike the Cactus began long before things  got underway, other attractions were also extremely popular including the horse  and cart rides, the Grampian Fire & Rescue appliance and, of course, the  fun rides for the youngsters.”

I must admit I was nervous at the prospect of interviewing a  cactus, particularly such a celebrated succulent. I had not anticipated his initial prickly responses however – particularly to my request for a short  interview.

“It better be quick” he responded,  ” Ah’m affa busy ye ken”

I assure Spike I am similarly “affa busy” and therefore the interview will surely be a quick one… I certainly do not want to get off on the wrong foot, so having queued up behind several adoring children to grab this opportunity, I hurry forth my next question:

“How does it feel to be back in the public eye?”

“Are you haein a go at me  for haein jist the one eye?” ( cue suppressed laughter from a nearby woman  and child )

Oh dear, I am not doing well at all. OK, Rephrase:

“How does it feel to be back in the limelight?”

“The limelight? Aye, It’s fine tae be back”

“Good to see you back Spike, and you seem very relaxed”

“Well, Ah’m at hame, if ye canna relax at  hame far can ye relax?”

Good point Spike, but the question needs to be asked:

“What have you been up to the past 10 years?”

“Ah’ve been awa on ma holidays. Ah’ve been daein a’ kinds o’ things”

Including raising funds for Comic Relief it would seem. Good show Spike, but:

“Have you been to any exciting places?” I asked.

“Aye, Ah’ve been a’ ower the place. Ah wis awa tae Australia”

At this point I am impressed that for all his lengthy period of absence and all his travels, Spike’s homely, broad Doric accent has survived 100% intact and unaffected. I am also aware that he seems to have become a little less suspicious of my motives so I move on to what might be an awkward subject.

“I understand you have had some lifesaving surgery recently Spike”

“Fa, you hiv?”

“No, not me, yourself.  I hear you’ve been very ill”

“Aye, but Ah’m fine now …. thanks tae the folk at Richard Irvin[2]

I could sense that Spike was reluctant to expand, and that perhaps the experience was a little painful to recount – particularly on such a day of fun and celebration so I decide not pursue the issue.

After all, I am on a roll, and some young, and not so young children are now coveting my position of privilege directly in front of the revered celebrity.

There remained time only for the question which readers would not have forgiven me for not asking:

“Are you going to be around for a while Spike?”

“Ah hope so” he replies …. somewhat unsure ” They’ve nae telt me yet like”

“So, your contract is in the post?”

“No, Ah’ve got the contract….  Ah’ve jist nae signed it yet” ( laughter )

“Good for you Spike, you make sure you get a good deal”

“Are you gan tae come and see me like?”

I surely will Spike. Great to see you back in action. A generation has missed you and a further generation don’t know what they have missed.

The Friends of Duthie Park would like to thank everyone who played their part in making the day a great success and, in light of how well it went, the possibility of further events will be considered by the committee.[1]

Joining the ‘Friends’ is free and application forms are available on www.friendsofduthiepark.co.uk.

Notes.

[1]-  Thanks to Dave Macdermid for the supplementary information and input.

[2] – Spike has been in a condition of considerable disrepair for many years and was, thankfully, restored by staff at Richard Irvin Services Group in time for the ‘Friends’ Open Day.

Thanks also to ‘Aberdeen’ community page on Facebook  for images. 

Disclaimer.

Unfortunately, the voice recorder on my mobile phone proved to be a rather unreliable facility. Therefore the above interview was, for the most part, written from memory. Thanks for the memory Spike.

Jun 032011
 

Some weeks ago, Voice’s David Innes went to the very scary outer limits of his IT abilities and downloaded Queen of Denmark by John Grant from the i-Tunes Store and lovely it is too. It wasn’t always that easy, but it used to be a lot more fun. Fred Wilkinson also chips in.

I can almost date it to a day in November 1971 when my rock ‘n roll obsession finally took hold. It’s refused to let go ever since. It was the day that my first cassette recorder arrived from the wifie across the road’s clubbie book.
That was, I suppose, ‘hardware’, and ‘software’ in the form of a C90 cassette tape which meant that a whole new world opened up for me.

Recording Pick of the Pops from the radio or Top of the Pops from TV, using a microphone held close to the sound source, obviously, was a wonderful way of picking up music for free. But for every Heart of Gold there were three Johnny Reggaes and the charts were crammed with Chicory Tip and David Cassidy rather than Family and Deep Purple.

In the small country town in which I was raised, there was no specialist record shop. Haberdasheries, draperies, gents’ barbers, ironmongers and butchers abounded, but for the aspiring vinyl junkie, the banqueting hall consisted of half a dozen racks of cardboard LP sleeves at the back of Clydesdale TV. This chain of Caledonian electrical shops was much more interested in knocking out hoovers, fridges and colour (aye, colour) tellies to upwardly-mobile council house tenants than offering hirsute, denim-clad Banffshire youth the heavy, cred-establishing, underground sounds of the day.

The stock rarely rotated. I’m convinced that Atom Heart Mother was in the rack for so many years that the cow on the sleeve aged to the extent of having to be removed by the local rendering company. The single copy of CSNY’s Four Way Street was on display for so long that a traffic-managing one-way system was installed. Had I not eventually taken pity on a lone copy of Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Wight (not his best) its display longevity would only have been matched by the somewhat less-desirable Jimmy Hendry at the Isla Hotel.

It was a rare treat then, to visit Barr Cochrane in Elgin and set eyes on such semi-mythical albums as Argus, Fog On The Tyne and Machine Head information about which we’d devoured voraciously in Melody Maker and Sounds and which were available to us via mail order from some Branson gadgie and his Virgin Records. The journey home by bus passed in a flash as we devoured every syllable of the sleevenotes of spanking new King Crimson and Atomic Rooster purchases.

Even more decadent were occasional outings to Aberdeen, beyond the fortnightly excursions on the supporters’ bus to watch the thrilling early 70s Dons. There, there were teeming racks of LPs of which we had only heard the names and had never eyeballed the covers.

One Up took specialist record supply to a new level in the city, with knowledgeable, sociable and friendly staff who shared our passion

We sought out  Bruce Millers and Chalmers and Joy, both emporia of rock then in George Street, Telemech in Marischal Street and the ever-reliable Woolworths, where bargains could often be had due to a bizarre pricing regime which more than once saw credible chart albums reduced to 50p because the wifie in charge confused James Last with James Taylor or Frankie Vaughan and Frankie Miller.

Who can remember, at the less-salubrious end of George Street, then a respected shopping thoroughfare and still the main A96 into the city, a down-at-heel, nondescript shoppie in which there was an ever-present pungent aroma of exotic smoking materials and where a milk crate of bootlegs resided, literally, under the counter? Aberdeen’s original Virgin Records store!

A few of us moved into the city in the mid 1970s and we became spoiled for choice. The Other Record Shop became legendary, especially once the 76-77 revolution made buying 45rpm singles essential again and Happy Trails was always good and far enough off the beaten track to  indulge that guilty Grateful Dead collector’s reflex.

My Voice colleague Fred Wilkinson also recalls Thistle TV’s part in youthful vinyl junkiedom…

“I got tel’t that the scary wifie that worked in Thistle TV wis Evelyn Glennie’s ma. Glennie wis the proprietor’s name for sure, and the wifie did resemble Evelyn in some wyes.

“She didna like maist punks, so I’m nae sure why she ordered in punk singles,  though it possibly explains why there wis a crackin 50p box in which, it wis rumoured, many a rarity could be found … if she wis prepared tae serve ye!

“It might hae been the case that she didna like folk smokin in her shop, like in the days far ye didna think twice aboot lightin up in a shoppie except if it selt food, in which case ye widna light up, but if ye had one on the go fan ye got there, ye didna waste it by snibbin it, nor hing aboot ootside an finish it. Ah can still see a’ the black marks on the local newsagent lino fae folk stumpin oot the fags they finished aff while waitin tae get served.

“I wis one the few punks she liked – or maybe, didna dislike? –  though tae this day, I dinna actually ken why, except maybe because I never smoked in her shop. I mind when Generation X released King Rocker, a lang-awaited release fae Gen X, and the first copies in the shops were a limited edition o’ yalla vinyl.

“That Setterday saw punks rinnin a’ ower the toon lookin for copies – apart fae the smart arse bastards fa got intae toon aboot 8′ o’clock in the mornin! Nithin tae be had fae The Other Record Shop, Brucies, Boots, Trax, Happy Trails. Even the Aiberdeen Market wis bein checked oot, but nithin! However, there wis aye Thistle TV.

“So when I got there, there wis a wee pile o’ punks roon the corner fa had tried an failed, jist waitin for somebody a wee bit less punky tae go get them a copy. The wifie kent they were there an wisna budgin an inch. Foo’an ivver, I managed tae walk in, said “Aye aye, foo ye daein the day?” I got a wee smile, an walked oot wi the last 4 copies – 1 for me, an the ither 3 for the 5 or 6 folk waitin roon the corner.

Noo if I wis a capitalist …..”

One Up took specialist record supply to a new level in the city, with knowledgeable, sociable and friendly staff who shared our passion. More than once was I called to the phone at work to take “an urgent message”, which tended to be something like,

“Hi Dave, it’s Raymond – there’s a couple of copies of part 3 of the Charly label Jimmy Reed series just come in – I’ll keep one aside for you”.

That Diamond Street shoppie, One Up’s third home, I think – Fred will keep me right – was where I also bought copies of all the fitba fanzines on sale and Viz, (just establishing itself as a sort of fool orra Beano) as well as far too much vinyl, inessential and indulgent cassette-only mixes of tracks by favoured artists and, eventually, these new shiny tiny pancakes of aural pleasure, CDs.

In the late 80s, HMV muscled in on the local action, followed by Virgin, Our Price and, a decade later, Fopp.

Of those only HMV remains, but its games and DVD sections now dwarf the audio area. They’re also not performing as well as they want to on the High Street although their online ordering and download service is growing.

In the 1990s, a brave attempt by everyone’s pal, James McGuigan, to bring something different to the record-buying public by offering heavily-discounted CDs in his Retro Blue outlet on George Street, was roundly applauded.

there’s no doubt that it made us more appreciative of those precious black 12” platters, lovingly liberated during a day-long trek round every city centre record store.

I spent a sizeable slice of my kids’ inheritance in there, drank far too much of James’s free coffee and enjoyed fantastic conversations with James himself and Joe and Andy, his trusted lieutenants, always willing to play something which had enthused them, listen to we older guys’ war stories of greatcoats, pints of heavy and the Harriet Bar, or discuss burning international issues of the day, generally the Dons’ latest inabilities or Morrice the Butcher’s Brither yarns.

When Retro Blue pulled down the shutters for one last time, teeth were provided for the dentally-bereft to join in the communal gnashing. Good try James, you’re a diamond, min!

Back in 2011, One Up is still valiantly knocking out CDs, vinyl, magazines, fanzines, clothing and memorabilia. Fred is always available for advice on what’s worth buying as he knows every regular’s taste, as well as being the fount of all knowledge in what’s happening in the city centre, opinionated about the Dons and ready to recommend a Guardian article from the previous week. It’s still one of the few places like Cheers where you can enter at any time of day and someone will know your name. Live long and prosper, One Up.

The racks of heavily-discounted CDs in Asda and Tesco show just how the record buyer’s outlet choice has diminished. Once we had to labour, strive and struggle to find what turned us on and there’s no doubt that it made us more appreciative of those precious black 12” platters, lovingly liberated during a day-long trek round every city centre record store.

Picking up a copy of Motown Chartbusters 5 with a loaf and a stone of Maris Piper from the supermarket is too easy. Jimmy Ruffin deserves better and more loving treatment than being dropped in a trolley with the Evening Express and a dozen pakoras from the deli.

Clicking a mouse fewer than a dozen times to download only the tracks you want from an online mp3 site gives far less satisfaction than finding a rare Stones’ Decca compilation in Barr Cochrane’s for 99p. Those Amazon jiffy bags don’t quite hit the sweet spot in the same way as a 12 inch square grey Virgin Records’ cardboard envelope did when Quadrophenia was delivered by the postie to my ma’s house in 1973.

Old rockers never die, they just grumble about having to change their listening format.

Jun 032011
 

Last week’s Voice featured Aberdeen entertainment icon Sid Ozalid, his life, his act, his impact, the release of his new book, and news of ‘not to be missed’ performances in the city. Well, If you did happen to miss out on catching Sid live on Friday and Saturday, then fash yersel not – this week we present a brief account of the missed mayhem, and a poem from ‘Mr Elastic Brain’.

Sid Ozalid jetted in from Sunny Amsterdam last Friday for a whistle stop tour of Aberdeen to promote his fab new book ‘Mr Elastic Brain – The Life and Poems of Sid Ozalid’.

The previous week he had done three gigs in London and the week before that three gigs in Holland, so he was keen to make it a hat trick and do three gigs in Aberdeen.

This meant two gigs on Friday night and a book signing/performance at 1UP on the Sat afternoon.

Below
Sid Ozalid performs ‘Tartan Underpants’  accompanied by Dave McLeod.

Lots of people made one gig, a few brave people made it along to two gigs, but apart from Sid and his lovely wife only one person made it to all three:  a Mr Colin MacLean who had driven up from the Kingdom of Fife to see Sid after an absence of 26 years.

Colin and Sid had performed together in 1977 in one of Aberdeen’s first punk bands, ‘The Enormous Snakes,’ and Colin had gone on to work with Sid as one of his All-Stars over a number of years, taking in the Edinburgh Festival and supporting The Clash at Inverness Ice Rink.

The first two gigs sizzled with professionalism, wit and dancing. The 24 year-old MC at Geesalaff Comedy Night, Miss Anna Devitt said:

“I was exhausted just watching; he was non-stop, how can someone this old have so much energy?  My mum is a big fan and told me to get one of his books, the book truly is amazing, so I told mum to get her own copy.”

The third gig at 1UP, the sole suppliers of Sid’s book in Aberdeen, was the most surreal by far.

Sid performed ‘Salvador Dali’s Hat’, ‘Three Fat Ladies at the Bingo Hall,’ and thrashed himself with a daisy — but nothing had prepared him for two drunk shoppers and a man in an electric wheel chair.

The drunk shoppers really giggled at Sid’s antics, but thought nothing of standing next to him flicking through CD’s and asking his opinion on Hip Hop and Jazz classics.

Sid took all of this in his stride and was set the extra challenge of being nimble on his feet when the electric wheelchair man was so taken by the performance he decided to join in, whizzing to the stage and joining Sid on the first electric wheelchair elastic brain dance routine ever seen in Aberdeen. Sid may well have been the dance teacher to the Queen at one time in his life, but nothing had prepared him for this!!

Some nice people had ordered Sid’s book from Amazon and brought it along to be signed, and other nice people bought copies of the book at 1UP, and there then followed a good half hour of chatting and book signing.

A special mention must go to Fred Craig of 1UP who had brought along one of Sid’s original book/records from 1982 ‘Songs and Stories from a Suitcase Extravaganza.’  Fred wanted this signed, and in return Sid was rewarded with a well deserved cup of tea.

With all profits going to MIND for better mental health Sid was a happy man.
http://www.mind.org.uk/

Tartan Underpants

They are groovy they can dance
They can put you in a trance
That’s my tartan underpants
Tartan underpants ooh
Tartan underpants ooh

You can use them as a tent use then as a hanky
One thing is sure there’s never hanky panky
In my tartan underpants
Tartan underpants ooh
Tartan underpants ooh

I don’t drink whisky don’t eat haggis
Go to bed with a girl from Paris
In my tartan underpants
Tartan underpants ooh
Tartan underpants ooh

My pants are funky they know what to do
Goodbye boxer shorts it’s the Y Front crew
That’s my tartan underpants
Tartan underpants ooh
Tartan underpants ooh

I’m a boring old folk singer
Philip is my name
My mother is a miner
My sisters on the game

I’ve a face like a scrotum
Wear an Arran jersey
Nobody likes me
I’ve got bad breath
Claymore !!!

My old sheep ran away
my dog is very angry
He hasn’t slept all week
And likes a drink of shandy
Ben Nevis !!!

May 252011
 

By Fred Wilkinson.

The year is 1979. I am at Aberdeen’s 62 Club to watch a selection of local punk bands, and my attention is drawn to an unfamiliar name on the bill.
Sid Ozalid? A band?  A guy? Pretty punk if slightly strange kind of a name though, which for an 18 y.o. punk diehard was somehow reassuring.
On stage appeared a tall, skinny, slightly weird-looking guy with no guitar. Not punk – not punk at all, which in the circumstances was all the more intriguing.

What happened next was somewhere between seeing the light and being scarred for life.

Out of a sudden discharge of nervous energy came an onslaught of surreal, silly verse spliced seamlessly with a bunch of broken anecdotes delivered at a pace leaving no pause for appraisal; accompanied by incongruous, disjointed, directionless dance moves which somehow worked – they must have worked, as somehow, he stayed on his feet.

Then it was over. I had not moved. I was still staring at the empty stage, and I remember thinking: “I hope no-one asks me what I made of Sid Ozalid.”  Devoid of reference points, my thoughts were a long time coming. Yes, I found it funny, and yes I was immensely entertained – I just didn’t know why! Neither punk nor Python, neither Cutler, Cooper nor Cooper-Clarke, Sid Ozalid certainly breathed the same air, but did not walk on the same planet.

Would I perhaps find a clue to understanding what made Sid tick from his publicity around at the time? –

“Legend has it that Sid Ozalid was born sometime during an eruption of earwigs.

“Sid arrived on earth from the planet OZ in the year 1898. His spaceship was disguised as an old brown suitcase that was full of inflatable toys.

“During this period he specialised in walking backwards into hat stands.

“Six years later he split from Flying Ozalids to form Sid and Sam the Ozalid Twins. This dynamic duo thrilled audiences with their routine entitled ‘The First pickled Onion in Orbit’, but alas this too came to an abrupt end due to lack of cupboard space”

– Alas, No.

Fast-forward to the following evening.

Three troublesome fat ladies, a conductor named Russ and a womanising fire raising tortoise had taken up permanent residence in my consciousness, and it seemed that the only way to exorcise these delightful demons, and at the same time come to terms with the experience was via demonstration to the uninitiated.

And so there I was outside with my brothers and sister and a few chums, recounting those fragments of verse I could recall whilst attempting in vain to recreate those unique ‘dance’ moves.

Perhaps an observer of the ‘lite’ version would be better placed to help me understand what it was about Sid that had so affected me. No chance. They stood – as I had stood, and stared – as I had stared, and laughed. That evening, each time another chum arrived in our company came the call:

” Hey Fred, go dae yer Sid Ozalid, watch ess, it’s really funny “

The previous evening Sid had performed for around 15 minutes. Twenty four hours later, I must have performed twice as long armed with only about 30 seconds of Sid’s material. More than once, passers-by stopped on the other side of the road … then moved on when they ascertained I was not in need of medical assistance.

As I look back I realise this was a solid indication that Sid Ozalid would be around for some time to come, and would become, if not a legend, definitely an icon of the Aberdeen Entertainment scene.

I was not the only one for whom Sid Ozalid presented an enigma:

” he auditioned and was invited to perform on two different talent shows. Once again the producers liked what Sid was doing but did not know how to describe him. They settled for ‘eccentric’. ” – Douglas John Mclean Cairns

Thirty two years on, having enjoyed many more of Sid’s performances, yet being no closer to understanding exactly how to explain what it is about Sid Ozalid’s act that entertains, amuses and excites me, I find myself charged with the task of reviewing his brand new book:

“Mr Elastic Brain – The Life And Poems Of Sid Ozalid”.

Having just finished reading it, I find myself desperate to tell everyone to go get themselves a copy as soon as possible, but as with my impression of that first performance, I struggle to articulate why it will be worth more to you than a tenner. But I will try.

These days, I know Sid Ozalid by his not so ‘pretty punk, and kinda reassuringly strange’ name Douglas Cairns …. which is actually more reassuring.

So, where to start?

This is an autobiographical book in four parts, about Sid Ozalid, written by Douglas John McLean Cairns. Or is it? As with all things Sid Ozalid, it is the equivalent of an ‘any-way-up’ cup as the first part of the book demonstrates.

Even to someone as familiar with the writer as I am, It startles me to discover that the madness which fuelled the performances of Sid Ozalid and brought so much pleasure to many also had an alter ego in the shape of a mental illness which had a devastating effect on Douglas Cairns for a period in 2001 – and as a consequence, all but put an end to Sid.

People had always told Sid he was mad. He thought they were joking until the dawning of the new millennium, suddenly he had a doctor’s certificate to prove what people had been telling him for years.” – Douglas John Mclean Cairns.

Here it is we find – in between some hilarious stories of Sid’s outrageous antics and adventures – an honest account of the extent of Douglas’ illness, punctuated by humour of a nature that can only be explained in terms of Douglas’ story being written by Sid.

It is difficult to pinpoint where ownership of the pen changed, but what results is uniquely unsettling, and simultaneously entertaining. For Sid to joke about Douglas’ dark and desperate situation is surely to run the risk being regarded as sick … but then, at the pertinent time, they are both sick aren’t they?

I don’t have the recipe, but I am pretty sure the main ingredient is his ability to appeal to our inner child.

However, at no point does the humour mask the pain, the lighter asides serving only reinforce the severity of the debilitating condition by way of contrast. It is a brave piece of writing, sandwiched between hilarious tales of the more familiar and wonderful madness of The Artist Formerly Known As Sid Ozalid.

The major portion of the book’s contents is a collection of Sid’s wonderfully bizarre and humorous poems and songs which were the mainstay of his act from 1977 to the present day. Similarities with this material and that of Spike Milligan are impossible to ignore. However, to leave it at that would be to compare a wedding cake with a rowie on account of their flour content.

So am I any closer to putting into words what is the magical appeal of Sid Ozalid?

Well I don’t have the recipe, but I am pretty sure the main ingredient is his ability to appeal to our inner child.

Didn’t we all spontaneously giggle and cackle as babes in response to the simplest and the silliest of things? A pulled face? A silly noise? The poking out of a tongue? A sudden unexpected movement or gesture? Anything at all unusual yet unthreatening? When did we stop being so spontaneously and so thoroughly amused? Did we stop giggling, or did our adult entertainers decide our needs for entertainment lay elsewhere?

If nothing else, Sid Ozalid demonstrates that our inner child is still with us and desperate for a giggle, and the mere fact he knows our tickly spot is enough to make us all the more tickly.

If there should ever be an Aberdeen Entertainers Hall of Fame, Sid Ozalid will be there. He will be neither a statue in the foyer, a framed picture on a wall, or a prized prop or instrument in a glass case. The broom cupboard will be as good a place as any to start your search, but when you track him down he will be possibly be represented by that item described within the spontaneous lyrics of a similarly strange and hilarious Scots band.

” I’ll perhaps take a piece of white bread and I’ll paint it brown so you think it is brown but when you toast it it’s actually white for the paint falls off “ ( from the album Hairy Scalloween by The Pendulums. )

Footnotes.

Mr Elastic Brain – The Life And Poems Of Sid Ozalid by Douglas John McLean Cairns is published by Chipmunka Publishing which specialises in giving a voice to people with mental health and other issues.

  • The profits from sales of Mr Elastic Brain are being donated to MIND – a leading mental health charity.

“We campaign vigorously to create a society that promotes and protects good mental health for all – a society where people with experience of mental distress are treated fairly, positively and with respect.” http://www.mind.org.uk/

  • Aberdeen Voice will present a sample of Sid’s poetry in the coming weeks – if that’s OK with Sid, or Douglas, or both – so you can judge for yourselves should you miss all three performances in town this weekend.

Geesalaff Comedy Night
Friday, May 27 at 8:00pm
Cellar 35, Rosemount Viaduct
( Sid onstage around 21.00pm )

The Big Acoustic Night Out!/ Traditional Amplified Music Session
Friday, May 27 at 9:00pm
The Blue Lamp, 121 Gallowgate
( Sid onstage around 22.30pm )

Book Launch and Performance !!!
Saturday, May 28 at 4:00pm
1 UP Records – 17 Belmont Street

Apr 292011
 


By Fred Wilkinson with thanks to The REAL SPL.

For my sins, I am football fan and a diehard Dandy, but for many reasons, not withstanding the demands of my role in producing Aberdeen Voice, I am unable to attend games as often as I would like.

Instead, I indulge in animated, all too often loud, heated conversation with the radio, and very occasionally the telly, sure in my mind at the time that all on the park and on the touchline can hear me, and would do well to listen.

Often in desperate attempts to influence the fortunes of my once all conquering home team, I find myself deliberately facing the general direction of the match venue.

So from my position close to the radio, Pittodrie is the pasta cupboard, Easter Road is a chimney viewed from the window, and Ibrox is the pots and pans shelf… you get the gist. Ineffective, bizarre and utterly futile certainly, but at least I demonstrate huge commitment and effort; very much like Darren Mackie – minus the red boots and the lucrative contract.

I miss out on the sharing of views, the wisecracks and the banter I have come to expect from being there in person as a good game progresses. But all is not lost, there is enough room next to the radio for a laptop logged on to the Aberdeen-Mad fans forum where a range of views and arguments are exchanged before, during, after and in between games. From informed to infuriating, well measured to well mad, bouquets and brickbats, outrageous on occasion but always entertaining and often unbelievably hilarious. I am hooked.

Many fans fear that the Old Firm are slowly but surely strangling the game in Scotland

It was on said forum that I came across a newly formed campaign group who go by the name ‘The REAL SPL’. I found their philosophy rather refreshing, and their ambitions worthy of comment and a degree of respect.

I was compelled to find out more from their freshly constructed website.

The REAL SPL plan to run and publish a virtual league in parallel with the SPL from seasons 2011/12 onwards. They will allocate points on the same basis as the SPL for games played but no points will be awarded when a team plays one of the Old Firm.

The team with the most points will then be declared Champions of The REAL SPL and there are plans to purchase a REAL trophy to be awarded to the winners.

It appears this initiative is an attempt to bring back the interest and excitement to fans who have become disillusioned with the SPL mainly as the result of the Old Firm’s disproportionate influence on all aspects of the Scottish game. Aspects ranging from league construction, financial distribution to television contracts, and particularly of late and more importantly, the public image of Scottish Football as a whole. This extends to their influence with the football authorities, commercial rights and revenue generation.

Many fans fear that the Old Firm are slowly but surely strangling the game in Scotland, and if action is not taken there will be even more severe repercussions in years to come.

To reflect on my own ‘virtual game’ in the setting of my kitchen as described above, could this idea not be viewed as equally ‘Ineffective, bizarre and utterly futile’? – Apparently not.

Already, the idea has captured the collective imagination of followers to the point that many fans are pledging to stay away from old firm games, but rather than rob the game of money, will attend more games involving other teams or ensure the money they save will go to their club in other ways: ways in which the old firm cannot lay claim to a share.

“The number of fans going to games in Scotland is falling year on year. There are many reasons for this but we believe that an uncompetitive league is one of the most important.”

Few would argue that the Scottish game, as with my beloved, yet sadly underachieving Dandies could do with a ‘leggie up’, but one worries that an idea, however well meaning and potentially beneficial cannot inspire change without a significant level of public support. So I ask, what are the indications that a significant level of public support exists?

“We ran a poll for two days, when we started the site, to find out whether people agreed with our aims. In this time, we had over 1,200 people complete the poll with a 95% approval rating for The Real SPL”

The site itself recorded an impressive 115,000 hits in its first two days in operation – An excellent start indeed, and it is only a start.

I believe the REAL SPL may have more far reaching ambitions. Perhaps to become more than simply a virtual league and a snub to the old firm, and possibly develop a strong platform for REAL football fans to air their views on how our game should evolve. Perhaps to initiate campaigns for specific changes free of the selfish business interests of the ‘Big Two’.

“The fans want a competitive, exciting and ambitious league and we have come to the conclusion that it’s time for a change. We are excited by the challenge of bringing interest in football back to the fans who may not have attended a game in a while.”

You can offer your support for The REAL SPL by visiting their website, or contributing to discussions on Aberdeen-Mad. You may also wish to join their group page on Facebook.

“One of the things we are looking to do is get more Facebook fans than the SPL. They have around 13,500 and we have 500… Its a tall order I know but it will demonstrate the backing that we have for a more competitive league”

Mar 252011
 

Happy 9-month birthday to Aberdeen Voice!  And Old Susannah’s column has now been running for 6 months.

I was having a quick lemonade with Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Freditor-in-Chief’ as I call him) and he explained how the Voice was born.  He was talking to friends, and they were discussing whether it was possible to create as great, impartial, investigative and intelligent a newspaper as the ones we already have in Aberdeen, and they decided to give it a go.

Nine months later, there are dozens of contributors and thousands of readers – but no advertisers the Voice is beholden to.

There are three things I particularly love about the Voice itself.

  • The first is that absolutely anyone who has something reasonable and coherent to say is welcome to submit an article.
  • The second is the stories the Voice has broken.  For instance, when Trump’s organisation explained to the world’s media that they never considered the use of compulsory purchase orders at Menie, Voice  published an excellent article proving this simply was not the case.

When Councillor Malone told the Press & Journal that only ‘about one’ Aberdeen resident contacted her objecting to the deer cull, the Voice’s readers sent in proof to the contrary in spades.  And while the Union Terrace Gardens situation gets murkier and more confusing by the minute, the Voice breaks important developments that that are not covered in other local press publications….. for some reason.

  • The Third great thing about Aberdeen Voice to me is the growing number of readers that are getting involved.  People are writing in to the  Voice for more information, contacting their elected officials on matters featured in the Voice, and are writing to Voice contributors with important leads, comments and very kind words of encouragement.

Then there are the people who make the Voice a reality.  First there is Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Dave’ or ‘Wilkinson’ as Councillor Malone calls him), the editor-in-chief.  He has two teenage children, his band, and a host of other projects and yet he finds the time to bring all the contributions together, chase down delinquent sub editors and bring together edition after edition for publication on time, every week.

Mike Shepherd and Sarah-Jane Duffus are two of the leading Union Terrace Gardens writers and activists. Their energy and dedication to saving the city’s only centre park, not to mention probably the most valuable, irreplaceable and beautiful city centre civic asset in Aberdeen, is admirable.  It is no wonder that they have ACSEF worried and complaining publicly that the UTG Friends are ‘organised’. They bloody well are.

Rob is the Aberdeen Voice ‘tech guy’ who has a dozen or so of his own projects going, yet can show up to take amazingly high quality photos  on breaking stories with lightning speed.

I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people

He has the patience of several saints and continuously improves the technology behind the Voice; its growing readership has meant lots of work for Rob – who also has to try and get me up to speed with technical developments – not an easy task.

I also owe a debt of thanks to Rhonda Reekie, who writes on a variety of subjects.  Some six months ago she contacted me and wondered if I’d like to consider writing something for the Voice.  Well, six months on and I really must thank the Council and the Big business interests for continuously generating material to write about.  I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people and this much-needed and much-enjoyed electronic newspaper which is Aberdeen Voice.  Thanks.

I was sick for two weeks, during which the world has become overcome with problems from Libya to Japan.  Closer to home, the Scottish Parliament decides not to call in the Loirston Loch stadium plan (as one fellow objector put it, ‘I am surprised they had time to open the envelope, let alone weigh up the issues.”).

One minute we are to kill deer, then no, then yes. To make matters worse, it looks like Stewart Milne homes are losing money, as young would-be purchasers are having their mortgage applications rejected – home sales in the Milne Group may be down as much as 20%.  No wonder the poor man wants to increase parking costs at Pittodrie.  It’s more than Old Susannah can keep up with.

I was, however, very pleased when I heard about the lorry-load of cement that was dumped on Aberdeen’s roads; I thought it was a great way to fill in some of the potholes.  Sad to say, it turned out that this was a mistake, and not a cunning plan by our Council (well, it did sound like the kind of thing they might do).  When I finally got out of my sickbed, I was shocked to find that a pothole on Victoria Road had been filled in.

If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

This was also a bit sad for the locals, as we’d been planning on stocking this particular hole with trout.  The material filling the hole doesn’t appear to have been ‘tamped down’ at all, and it is of a completely different material than either the road or all the other patches.  I have every confidence it will last as long as the other road mends have done.  I give it two weeks.

Tuesday was busy – first it was the excellent Mark Edwards ‘Hard Rain’ exhibition and presentation at Aberdeen University. I fully recommend a visit to see the work which will be up for a month.  Immediately afterwards I raced to Peacock Visual Arts which hosted ‘Run Down Aberdeen’ – another excellent film by Fraser Denholm and Mike Shepherd.  I missed the film – which you can now get online – but was entertained by the panel discussion featuring Fraser, Councillors Martin Greig, Kevin Stewart, and Lewis MacDonald MSP.

The gallery was packed, including the area just outside the gallery.  I did get a chance to ask if there was any connection between Stewart Milne’s Triple Kirks plan and the desire to turn our Victorian garden into a parking lot.  I didn’t exactly get an answer.

Right, time to define some of the terms arising of late.  Apologies for the long intro.

Census (noun) A polling of individuals and householders, usually undertaking by governments, in order to aid future planning.

We are currently all receiving our Census forms, which must be returned by 27 March.  No doubt the post office will provide its usual swift service and not a single form will be lost.  If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question

But you will, of course, want to reveal to the government every detail of your life, family, health, finances etc.  That’s how they keep giving us the great, forward-thinking services enjoyed today by the elderly, people with special needs, school children and the poor.  The number of bathrooms in your house is crucial to these calculations.

(Naturally all details will be kept strictly confidential – unlike all of the past instances of confidential information being left on trains, leaked or lost).

Aberdeen couldn’t be the great place it is if 10 years ago people hadn’t done their census forms.  It is just unfortunate that we’re closing our schools down while at the same time building new ‘affordable homes*’ on every patch of green that still exists.  I guess the Census back then must have said our population would quadruple.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question.  This is unfair discrimination against Jedi Knights, and just goes to prove that the dark side of the force is in control in Scotland.  Any resemblance between Ms Dean and an Imperial Storm Trooper (or one of those furry muppet alien squeaky things) might be more than coincidental.  May the Farce be with you – get those Census forms in.

*Affordable Housing (noun) dwelling places priced lower than fair market value, intended to benefit people with low incomes.

Are you a multimillionaire feeling the pinch?  Need to build some luxury des-res homes in the greenbelt (where there is no VAT to pay on the land) in a hurry and cheaply?  Need to convince those sceptical, uncooperative, incisive Councillors that new housing should be built rather than old buildings converted?  Well then, ‘affordable housing ‘ is your ticket to your next few million.

The local authorities will always give you planning permission anyway, but the phrase ‘affordable housing’ is music to their ears:  it will help them to justify the approval to build your unique, individualistic, state-of-the art homes where endangered species currently roam unchecked.

You’ll probably get a tax break for building ‘affordable homes’ as well.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel

What happens is this:  your development goes up, and you build say 2 to 4 ‘affordable homes .  The press tells the world what a great guy you are, and announces the date for the homes to be sold.  People then queue up on site to buy these bargains for days in advance of the sale.  The first few people get the homes, and move in to spend many happy years living in a luxurious new development.

None of these buyers will instantly sell their bargain property for a massive profit – that would be morally wrong and would defeat the purpose of ‘affordable housing’ in the first place.

Budget (noun) a set list of rules for fiscal expenditure.

In the UK the budget is set by established financial wizard and genius, George Osborne.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel. People can now fill their tanks for about 17p less than before.  What will you do with your 17p?  You could put it towards the cost of a drink, but it won’t  pay for the increased cost of your cigarettes (which you should really quit anyway – unless you’re immortal and super-rich).

The ‘coalition’ government was no doubt left with a huge mess to clean up, and bombing Libya will no doubt go a long way to helping us get back on our feet.  Or something.  We did after all sell Libya all those finely crafted, UK made handcuffs, riot gear, clubs and shackles – time to capitalise on the investment.

By bombing them, we’re making more money for UK Defence Contractors.  Result!

The old joke was ‘A capitalist is someone who will sell you the rope they are going to hang you with’.  The Libya situation is an interesting take on this sentiment. Clearly nothing is more important than British Jobs – and the idea of weapons large and small no longer being made in the UK is too much to bear.

The North Sea Oil industry will be stumping up an extra few pence in tax, and George Osborne has promised to close some of the tax loopholes exploited by the rich for decades.  I just hope none of our important, famous multi-millionaires are troubled by this budget.  Somehow, I doubt they will be.

Next week – more definitions and a look back at some of the Old Susannah outstanding issues

Campaign For Recognition Of Battle Of Nechtansmere Site

 Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Featured, Information, Opinion  Comments Off on Campaign For Recognition Of Battle Of Nechtansmere Site
Mar 082011
 

With thanks to Kevin Hutchens.

Kevin Hutchens, Scottish Labour’s Scottish Parliament Candidate for Angus North and the Mearns and William Campbell, their candidate in Angus South have united behind the call for formal recognition of the importance of the Battle of Nechtansmere site near Dunnichen in Angus.

According to Kevin Hutchens :

“First indications are that the site of the battle may be near Letham which is clearly in Angus South, however the exact site is unclear, and it is almost certain that skirmishes will have taken place in the Forfar area before and after the main battle and that the battle took place around the area.

What is clear is that at present no archaeological evidence has been found to indicate exactly where the battle site was.  So both of us as candidates could lay claim to having the site of this important historical battle in our constituency “.

William Campbell stated:

“Angus is widely known as Scotland’s Birthplace because of the signing of the Declaration of Arbroath in 1320.  The Battle of Nechtansmere was arguably even more significant because it established more than six centuries earlier that the Northumbrian forces could not successfully challenge the Picts in their own territories.

It was a defining moment in Scottish history, and Kevin Hutchens and I are therefore issuing a joint call to Fiona Hyslop MSP to ensure that the battle, with its contribution to Scottish history and culture, is fully recognised.”

Kevin Hutchens adds:

“Such recognition is long overdue for this important event that helped shape much of the built landscape and place names of Scotland as we know them today “

Footnote by Fred Wilkinson.

The Battle of Nectansmere is recorded as having taken place on 21st may 685AD and is regarded as a key event which assured Scotlands future as a Nation. The Northumbrian Angles, led by King Ecgfrith sought to expand their territory further at the expense of the Picts led by King Bridei Mac Bili.

It is believed that the Picts  tricked the Angles by splitting their force into two armies – one cohort fleeing, only to lead them into an ambush  by both cohorts, and overwhelming them with ” a hail of stone and spear, as the Pictish army attacked from both sides.” ( source – http://www.information-britain.co.uk/famdates.php?id=172 )

King Ecgfrith died in the battle, as did the vast majority of the Angles, either as a direct result of conflict, or being drowned in the loch in their attempts to retreat. Of the relatively few survivors, many were enslaved by the Picts.

Previous to the battle of Nechansmere, the Northumbrian Angles had for thirty years steadily expanded their territory North at the expense of the Picts.

The Northumbrian Angles numbers were so decimated in The Battle of Nectansmere that they never again recovered the capacity to  advance their territory beyond The Firth Of Forth.

 

 

 

Deer Councillor – I Cant Believe It’s Not Utter …

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Environment, Events, Featured, Information  Comments Off on Deer Councillor – I Cant Believe It’s Not Utter …
Mar 072011
 

Voice’s Fred Wilkinson shares a letter sent to Councillor Aileen Malone in response to a grossly innaccurate and potentially damaging comment attributed to her in The Press And Journal Tuesday 2nd March.

‘Deer’ Councillor Malone.

Having contacted you ahead of the meeting to discuss the roe deer cull on Tullos Hill, I am sure I don’t have to tell you how I feel about the news that you are to proceed with the cull.

However, I do wish to tell you how I feel about the statement attributed to yourself in The Press And Journal, Tuesday 2nd March.

(http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/2160228/?UserKey).

Councillor Aileen Malone, the committee convener, said the council could not afford the bill. “We have been inundated with e-mails regarding this,” she said. “I think I have had about 50 e-mails, although only about one was from Aberdeen, and I think another from Aberdeenshire. The rest were from America, Canada and Italy“.

What did you mean by the phrase ‘about one’ ? More than one? Less than one? How many exactly?

How would you know in any case? In your response to my own comments, you did not ask where I was from, and I know you did not ask others.

So why even comment on the geographical demographic breakdown of those who contacted you when you have not sought to secure sufficient information to facilitate even a reasonably accurate estimate?

In responding to comments, your colleague Neil Fletcher asked myself and others to supply our address to establish whether or not we were ‘constituents’. Perhaps he may wish to share his findings with you – Such information having been gathered, I assumed that this would have been made known at the meeting.

It is apparent to many Aberdonians that the Council tend to experience difficulty when it comes to accounting, but surely from a mere ‘about 50’ emails it is possible to collect figures which would be ‘about’ right. Now if I were Councillor Dean, I would attempt to bolster that number of ‘about 50’ with the number of people I know who ‘nearly’ wrote to you, but I am not prepared to risk credibility over such a silly tactic.

Cllr. Malone, I know for a fact that more than ‘about one’ person in Aberdeen, and more than ‘another’ in Aberdeenshire contacted you with their concerns, and none of these people were asked where they resided.

You are quite entitled to disagree with input from citizens, but because you disagree does not make their contribution, and their status as Aberdeen citizens, any less valid. By your statement you have not only misrepresented a number of citizens, but you have dismissed them to the point as to send out the message that they don’t exist.

All too often, councillors have given statements which deliberately underestimate the strength and number of opposition to certain proposals, and to further belittle their cause, compare this number with a chosen majority, often – as with Loirston – the entire population of a given area, in order to put the opposition into ‘perspective’.

The fact that such a population includes babies and children, people who are unable to respond for a variety of reasons, people who don’t know, don’t care, or have no strong opinion one way or another, is rarely pointed out.

Dismissing respondents, whether for or against, in this way sends out the message that we are governed by the ‘know bests’ on behalf of the ‘don’t cares’ – and your statement as published performs this function  beautifully.

Furthermore, the dismissal of those who have taken the trouble to contribute to the debate reinforces that ‘why bother’ mentality which serves to maintain the numbers in the ‘don’t care’ camp, and the less who bother, the easier it becomes for councillors to get on with the work that the majority don’t care about. If this is how you wish the value of your position to be perceived, then carry on, you’re ‘playing a blinder’.

However, there are others who see it differently.

Cllr. Malone, that many citizens don’t care about many issues, or don’t see any point in participating in debate until it concerns them personally is understandable, perhaps even acceptable.

But for an elected representative such as yourself to care so little for citizens that you, whether out of ignorance or negligence, allow a statement to appear in the media which certainly seems like nothing other than a lie, and a lie which not only fails to represent citizens, but takes them completely out of the equation, is deplorable.

Please find below a list of people living in Aberdeen/shire whom, in addition to myself, I know to have contacted you regarding the deer cull issue.

( List of names and part addresses of 6 persons from Aberdeen, and 4 from Aberdeenshire included in the letter to Cllr. Malone and the other councillors involved in the deer cull issue )

I suggest you review  those ‘about 50’ emails with a view to establishing whether there are any more to add to this list, and issue an apology to every ‘about’ one of them.

I also believe it would be a responsible gesture if you were to contact Aberdeen Journals and ask if they could publish a retraction of your ill founded and outrageous statement.

Yours sincerely,
Fred Wilkinson.