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FAIL: FOI Fatally Flawed?

Aberdeen City, Featured, Information 1 Response »

Jul 062012

Disillusioned and dissatisfied with the speed, quality and transparency (for lack of a better word), Suzanne Kelly sums up her dealings with Aberdeen City’s FOI officers.

In 2007 I made my first Freedom of Information request to Aberdeen City Council. This concerned travellers’ sites (the city had the brainstorm of telling travellers to go to the Torry Battery – I pointed out that it was an Ancient Monument which the City was supposed to safeguard).

I received a reasonable answer in a reasonable timeframe.

However, it seems as if FOI request handling is far from straightforward of late.

I have been given information late on several occasions. I have been refused information which I should have been given (as the Information Commissioner later agreed). I have been given contradictory information. I have even, in my opinion, had disingenuous interpretations made of straightforward requests. A few examples will illustrate the types of failings I believe need to be addressed.

1. How many deer were shot on Tullos Hill?

Initially the first figure of deer shot was 22. This was later changed to 23. The figures continue to change. An email of 22 June 2012 from the FOI Office implies 33 shots were fired. Yet this same reply came with a copy of a handwritten notebook, in which 35 deer were listed as killed.

Still another document sent at the same time shows 34 deer were killed. Even though the last animal was -we are told- killed on 9 May, June FOI requests said 23 deer were killed.

This hardly seems like accurate information management to me.

2. CJ Piper & Co. – A mystery to ACC

‘CJ Piper & Co.’ is an entity connected to the tree scheme and the cull. This company co-wrote a report with ACC on the tree scheme – recommending the destruction of 22 deer this year. ACC paid CJ Piper & Co. at least £44,000. However, there is no ‘CJ Piper & Co’ listed with Companies House. There may be very simple explanations for this. Whatever the explanation, we are not likely to get details anytime soon.

The FOI officer advised me:

“ACC is unable to provide you with information on ‘C J Piper & Co’, including whether or not this is a registered company, … as it is not held by ACC. “

Precisely how Aberdeen City can spend public money and make payments to a company without holding its details may be of interest to the Information Commissioner as well as Audit Scotland. It must have been extremely difficult to write a report with this mysterious firm, but ACC managed it.

There is of course the assumption that Chris Piper (a known forestry expert) is the main force behind this company, but the public should have the right to know this company’s details and whether there are any other directors/shareholders.

Should someone being paid to plant trees be the same person who writes a report recommending deer should be slaughtered in order to plant trees when they stand to gain financially from the contents of the report? The relevant issues will be looked at in the next Aberdeen Voice.

3. How much has the Tree for Every Citizen and deer cull cost?

I have received two spreadsheets under FOI legislation on this question. The latest spreadsheet was meant to show all the incoming and outgoing money on the deer cull and tree scheme. But it raised more issues than it answered, including:

Thirteen lines of 32 line items are classed as ‘unknown concerning ‘ – this is unacceptable
Who are ‘Highland Estate Services’ – did they carry out the cull? How did they and other contractors win work on this project?
What exactly are the ‘interdepartmental charges’ on Line 15 for £3000?
Where do the accounts show the £43,800 returned to the Forestry Commission? Accounting for this returned grant, it would seem ACC spent £167,512 minimum on the tree scheme and cull to date
Where are any entries to reflect all the deer fencing that was put up, or the £480 per week site clearance charges that went on over several months?
One of the few income streams coming in would have been the deer carcasses which were sold to a game meat dealer. Where is an entry in the books showing how much money the City made from destroying this herd of deer?

4. Correspondence between ACC and the Scottish SPCA – Someone is hugely mistaken

A story in the Evening Express recently claime 2 deer were found dead ‘ahead’ of the cull (the story appeared in 2012; the deer died of unknown causes in…2010). The ‘news’ item quoted heavily from a letter ACC sent to the Scottish SPCA.

I asked for copies of letters to and from ACC and the Scottish SPCA (which told me there were a handful of letters on the Tullos topic).

However, Aberdeen FOI office says:

“… ACC holds a high volume of correspondence with the SSPCA relating to Tullos Hill. As such, it has proven to be quite difficult in identifying the particular letter to which you refer. … it [FOI office] is not aware of ACC supplying a copy of any letter to the Evening Express.”

So, not only do the City’s FOI people contradict the Scottish SPCA over the quantity of correspondence, but the ACC FOI office also cannot find a letter from ACC to the Scottish SPCA, quoted heavily in a news story (a copy of which I sent with my request).

At this point I can be forgiven for asking whether there is an political pressure at work on the FOI team concerning the cull.

5. Q: ‘Who or which agency performed site clearing work at Tullos?’

My question could not have been more straightforward; I asked ‘who or which agency’ performed site clearing work at Tullos (work which was worth apparently £480 per week). The answer I first got smacked of sarcasm: ‘a private contractor’. Somehow, I had already managed to deduce that myself. Sarcasm is fine in creative writing, but I question its place in a FOI response.

I wrote back:

“…the name of the company / companies involved should be specified. This should please include their Company Registration Number by which they are listed in Companies House – if not listed, then please specify”

The FOI officer replied:

“ACC is unable to provide you with the name of the private contractor (a sole trader). ACC considers this information to be excepted under Regulation 11(2) and Regulation 10(5)(f) of the EIRS. Please refer to the attached exception notices”

Perhaps they should have just said they were refusing to answer the question in the first place. I am not completely certain that a sole trader should be called ‘CJ Piper AND COMPANY’, either.

Private entity or not, the person/company was paid with public money, and we should know who is connected with it, how it was appointed, and what other work it has done.

6. Is the use of a present tense verb reason enough to deny that a debt existed?

Rumour reached me that the failure of the first planting had cost the taxpayer about £44,000. I asked the FOI office:

“Is it true that Aberdeen City Council owes a sum for previous, failed planting? “

The answer came:

“No money is owed by Aberdeen City Council to any agency or organisation for the previous planting.”

When I obtained a SNH letter proving £43,800 debt for the previous failed planting indeed existed, the Chief Executive Watts denied the £43,800 had anything to do with my FOI request. The Chief Executive indicated the £43,800 for the failed tree planting on Tullos Hill had nothing to do with the current scheme.

In the first place, it certainly has every relevance to the phase 2 tree planting. In the second, my question did not say anything about phase 2 – just a ‘previous failed planting’.

The FOI people also defended their answer, writing that since the debt had been paid, it no longer existed – and therefore they considered my question was not relevant. The debt was paid in March; I asked my question in May.

I may be alone, but I see a connection between the £43,800 repaid for the previous failed planting and the £44,000 I asked about for a previous failed planting, irrespective of my use of past or present tense verb in my question, it was abundantly clear what information I had wanted.

7. FOI 10703 The Tree scheme won’t cost us anything

I asked a ‘non-factual’ question, and wondered how the FOI office would cope. I did get an interesting reply.

I asked,

“ Why is the ‘a tree for every citizen’ project something that must be adhered to so precisely?”

The reply came:

“Elected members made a commitment in their Vibrant Dynamic and Forward Looking statement … to plant a tree for every citizen to support the ongoing development and improvement of the quality and quantity of public open space in the City. Officers have been challenged to deliver this commitment.

“Aberdeen has a relatively small area of woodland cover (8.8%) as a percentage of its total area. …. Woodland recognised to offer a range of benefits for human well-being, creating a pleasant environment for people to live and work in, as well as being of great biodiversity value.

“Creating these woodlands … will deliver on all these points, with the additional benefit of being created at no cost to the City Council due to the levels of external funding being obtained to deliver the project. This demonstrates that the Tree for Every Citizen is not taking resources from other services within the City.”

I have to wonder how this answers ‘why’ we must adhere precisely to a scheme which condemned the existing meadowland ecological system. is the above answer a factual, quantifiable piece of information – or is it political waffle? The FOI did not attribute their answer.

8. Marischal College – on time and under budget? Where’s the proof?

Back when the idea of gutting Marischal College to create offices (too small for the Council’s needs) first emerged, people were telling me that the costings for alternative projects had been done very hastily and all alternatives were dropped quickly in favour of the Marischal plan.

My FOI ENQ 7172 uncovered that ACC spent £20K on consultants to look at the Marischal project. However while I found out that costings on alternatives were done, I can’t see them .

I had asked:

“What were the costings done on the alternatives to Marischal College development?”

FOI Answer:

“ACC are of the opinion that… because the Copyright and Patents Act 1988 forbids Aberdeen City Council from copying the cost analysis on the Marischal Project without the owners consent. … ACC is not obliged under the terms of the FOISA to provide you with the information requested. “

How can ACC have paid consultants to look at costings – and the taxpayer not be allowed to know what the results are because of ‘copyright’ ? Certainly copyright is meant to stop people profiting from the writings of other people, not to prevent the public finding out how its money could have been spent.

# # #

We are asked to have sympathy for the FOI staff and are told many of the requests they receive are ‘frivolous.’ However, the purpose of this Freedom of Information office is to fulfil Aberdeen’s legal duties under Freedom of Information Legislation.

I haven’t counted up how many emails I received from the FOI office apologising for lateness in replying to me (all FOIs are meant to be answered within a certain time frame). Let’s suffice it to say at least 50% of my requests are answered late.

There is also the matter of a judgment from the Information Commissioner against Aberdeen. A FOI request concerning Stewart Milne group companies of mine went largely unanswered by the Council, which said the law was against the information coming out. The information Commissioner had a different take, and eventually five errors were identified in how ACC FOI staff handled my questions were identified.

If we want FOI responses to be accurate, swiftly delivered and comprehensive, then this department needs immediate overhauling. I will be asking Councillors and the Information Commissioner to investigate further.

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Annie’s Fired Her Gun

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour 6 Responses »

Jun 222012

By Bob Smith.

A quine ca’ed Annie Lennox
His kickit up an affa stir
Rubbishin the “gairdens” plan
Some fowk are in a birr

Gweed on ye Annie quine
Fer ca’in the plans jist crap
Ye’ve ruffled a fyow feathers
Widdie’s gang are in a flap

Ye’ve ivvery richt ti hae yer say
An hark back ti the 60’s folly
Fin biggin bliddy concrete trash
Wis thocht maist affa jolly

St Nicholas Hoose fer a stairt
Faa drimt up iss ugly wart?
Syne they blockit aff George Street
Planners didna gie a fart

Yon college doon bye Holburn
Wisna pleesin ti the ee
It seenwis aa knockit doon
In case students hid ti flee

The fauchie new Uni library
Some think it anither boob
A square biggin made o gless
A muckle giant Rubik’s cube

Oor toon is in an affa mess
Fer ‘eers hisna bin weel run
Noo if things still gyang agley
Shout “Annie Get Yer Gun”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

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VSA Praises A Different Kind Of Torch-Bearing Champion

Aberdeen City, Featured, News No Responses »

Jun 222012

The Olympic Torch may have left the Granite City but this week an Aberdeen-based charity will recognise the worthy efforts of 25,000 unpaid carers who ‘carry a torch’ for someone who is ill, frail or disabled in the city and shire. With thanks to Claire McBain.

carers-lunch-the-salvation-army-aberdeen-citadel-3

Aberdeen City Council, VSA’s Carers’ Service and NHS Grampian hosted an Olympic-themed celebratory lunch on 19th June to mark Carers Week 2012 and to honour the personalities behind Aberdeen’s thousands of hardworking and unpaid carers who metaphorically ‘carry a torch’ for a relative or friend. Carers’ Week runs from 18th – 24th June, 2012.

VSA will also reach out to local carers with pop-up information stalls across the city, highlighting services that help balance vital caring roles with other commitments.

A recent Carers’ Trust poll revealed that 60% of unpaid carers found their mental health was affected by their role. Fittingly, the theme for this year’s Carers’ Week is In Sickness and Health.

Diane McCabe, Director of Social Care and Wellbeing at VSA, said:

“Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire carers deserve gold medals for their hard work. There’s not just one local champion, they’re all our local heroes.

“By getting involved in Carers’ Week 2012, we can highlight and improve conditions for the 25,000 unpaid carers in Aberdeen city and shire, some suffering health and career problems as they try to look after sick or disabled relatives without help.

“We want to make life easier for these torchbearers and those they look after.”

According to Carers UK, there are nearly 6 million carers in the country. The Scottish Household Survey, conducted by The Scottish Government in 2010 reported 657,300 carers north of the border, more than 25,000 of which live in Aberdeen City. Within this, there are an estimated 2,240 Young Carers in Aberdeen and far more ‘hidden carers,’ both adult and child.

Diane continued:

“Many suffer due to a lack of understanding about what they do. Some don’t even recognise themselves as carers.”

Christine Carle has used VSA’s Carers’ Services for more than 16 years. When caring for her daughter with additional support needs, her son fell into the role of ‘mummy’s help.’ The Young Carers’ service, for her son, was her first contact with VSA.

She said:

“All children rely on their parents to look after them so you don’t realise you need the help. You think it’s just part of ‘being mum.’ You just get on with it.

“I wouldn’t be where I am now without VSA’s Carers’ Service. I’ve reached several milestones I didn’t think would be possible. I’ve now got a job for the first time since my daughter was born. Help and support makes such a difference to your own health. The happier you are in yourself the better you are for looking after someone.

“It can be a big step picking up the phone, or walking through the door for the first time. But I’d urge other carers to get in touch. It will open so many doors. It’s been a godsend to me.”

Christine’s son, a local councillor, is now 22. Her daughter is 18 and, along with Christine, will continue to use VSA’s Carers’ Service for a long time.

Aberdeen Lord Provost George Adam, who was a speaker at the Olympic-themed lunch said:

“Carers are the unsung and unpaid heroes in our community. All face different circumstances looking after relatives, loved ones and children who have needs that must be met in different ways.

“The two things they all have common are a selfless devotion to those they care for and determination to make lives as good as possible for the people who rely on them.

“We, as a city, can’t hold carers in a high enough regard. It is vitally important that we raise awareness of the work they do and highlight the support and representation that is out there for them.”

For more information about Carers’ Week events visit www.carersweek.org

More information about VSA’s Carers Services, can be obtained by visiting their headquarters at 38 Castle Street, Aberdeen, calling them on 01224 212021, or visiting their website at www.vsa.org.uk

Tullos Hill Deer Shot Illegally

Aberdeen City, Featured, News 2 Responses »

Jun 192012

John F. Robins, Secretary, Animal Concern Advice Line (ACAL), has been actively campaigning against and researching the Tullos Hill Deer Cull, which saw 23 animals killed to further the city’s ‘Tree for Every Citizen’ scheme. In a dramatic development, it seems the law has been broken during the hunting. This emerged following a Freedom of Information Request lodged by anti-cull campaigner Clare Rochford.

Animal welfare charity Animal Concern Advice Line (ACAL) has asked the police to charge Aberdeen City Council for illegally killing deer during the controversial cull of roe deer on Tullos Hill on the outskirts of the city.
Despite widespread opposition from local residents, Community Councils and national animal welfare organisations the Council shot and killed 23 deer to make way for a Jubilee Woodland to commemorate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

The tree planting project is backed by another charity, The Woodland Trust, which has seen supporters resign their memberships and withdraw sponsorship over the deer culling.

Deer culling is strongly supported and promoted by the Scottish Government through Scottish Natural Heritage (SNH) but yesterday SNH admitted that Aberdeen City Council did not have permission to shoot deer at night. Under Freedom of Information legislation ACAL had already shown that three deer were shot during the early hours of Thursday 22nd March 2012 at times when specific permission for night shooting was required.

John Robins of ACAL states:

“The law on night shooting exists to protect deer from being injured instead of being killed cleanly. Aberdeen City Council ignored public opinion which was overwhelmingly opposed to this cull and now we have discovered that the arrogance of the Council extended to ignoring the law.

“I’ve asked the police to prosecute those responsible as they need to be shown that they are not above the law. The Councillors and the Council employees in charge of this project should resign their positions and bosses at The Woodland Trust should hang their heads in shame for getting involved in this fiasco.”

Old Susannah No. 81: Alphabet Soup Leftovers And Dogs’ Dinners

Aberdeen City, Opinion 2 Responses »

Jun 142012

Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah continues her romp through Aberdeen City Council’s A to Z of services, and considers two very different ‘Mr Smiths’, and dog’s dinners. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! The burning issues of the past week include Olympic torches and scorching internet debate following Annie Lennox’s article in the Guardian. In this piece Lennox suggests that Aberdeen might have some issues and that the City Garden Project is ‘a dog’s dinner.’

In the first place as Mr Tom Smith (ACSEF, City Garden Trust, guru of truth, etc. etc.) points out, Annie doesn’t have all the facts. Mr Smith will be happy to supply them to her. This will be a historic first, considering ACSEF’s previous economy with said facts. But what a result! Tom Smith’s kindly offered to meet Annie! I bet she’s wondering what to wear to any such meeting and is all nervous and excited. Who could blame a girl? (Do I get a meeting invite as well, Tom, seeing as I was head of one of the official referendum campaign groups?).

I’m happy to admit I don’t have all the facts, either – I keep asking for them, but I still don’t have them. For one thing, I don’t know what comments people wrote on the voting slips when the six shortlisted designs were on show. At the time comments and votes were requested (and paid for by the taxpayer). Somehow, a private company, Aberdeen City Gardens Trust, seems to have the votes. Tom is one of the people with access to them, and won’t let us see the results. It wouldn’t be helpful, you see, to release this information.

I also don’t know the concrete web’s final business plan and its financial projections. I also don’t know what the architectural drawings specify in any detail. I don’t know what went on at the many meetings held to further the web. I only have ‘redacted’ (that’s with the details hidden) minutes of all those City Gardens Projects meetings you and I paid for (we’ve spent at least £600k on consultants and services for the granite web – you know, the project which won’t cost us a penny). Call me over-cautious, but before I’d agree to borrow £90 million and commit to spending £140 million on a plan with no details, I’d want something a bit more concrete (excuse the expression).

I also don’t know the latest on Mr Smith’s front page P&J story from when he claimed UTG supporters were ‘harassing’ him and his family, and illegally hacking into his email. You would have thought that had laws been broken, he’d have raced to the papers with the update. Otherwise, it just looks like a cynical manipulation of the press close to the referendum vote. But all in all, I admit I don’t have these minor little facts.

But never mind the facts (which we’ve been asked to do so far) – once Tom’s had a word with Annie Lennox, she’ll be joining ACSEF, moving to Union Terrace and supporting the web. Rumours that she has switched PR companies to Aberdeen’s BiG remain unconfirmed.

But Ms Lennox’ calling the Granite Web ‘a dog’s dinner’ in the Guardian was hardly fair. Firstly, if you tried to feed such slop to a poor dog, it would slink away howling into the night, and the Scottish SPCA would step in, like they did to Dumfries & Galloway’s NHS supremo, one Mr Michael Keggens. Because of his busy job and busy life, Keggens left his elderly dog without food and water, locked in the house for days. Easy mistake to make I’m sure.

The Scottish SPCA were alerted to the dog barking, and found the poor thing alone in the house, caked in muck with not even water to drink. Feeding the dog and returning a day later, the Scottish SPCA found the situation hadn’t changed. Apparently living things need food and water, but you can’t expect someone high up in the NHS to know details like that. Remember this the next time you hear of an elderly or infirm patient suffering dehydration. (PS – the Scottish SPCA is desperate for help just now, as are New Arc and Willows – if you can spare anything, please think about it).

Back to Mr Smith, well a Mr Smith anyway. Old Susannah had a sudden urge this week to re-watch the old Jimmy Stewart film, ‘Mr Smith goes to Washington.’ Yes, it’s heavy on the sentiment and American values. But the gist of the plot is this: a corrupt, wealthy circle of small town businessmen and elected officials are milking the taxpayers; they have a crooked construction scheme (for a dam – a granite web would have been too far-fetched even for Hollywood). These crooks have been sucking up public money, conspiring, and hiding the facts of their self-serving plans from the electorate. This somehow sounds familiar.

In comes naive, honest Mr Smith, newly elected to the Senate, where people expect he will just do as the villains tell him to do. He eventually finds out about all the corruption, and fights it (and he wins). By the way, one of the most powerful weapons which the wealthiest crooked businessman has is his ability to dictate to the local press what to cover, how to cover it, and what to leave out of the news.

In the end ‘people power’ and truth win out over greed, corruption and manipulation. I guess that’s Hollywood for you. I’m still stumped as to why I thought of this film and wanted to see it again, but it will come to me.

Before I continue with my search through Aberdeen City Council’s A to Z of ‘services’, I’d like to say that I’m greatly looking forward to next Saturday’s (23 June) party in Union Terrace Gardens, courtesy of Common Good Aberdeen. Hope to see you there. And congratulations on the unanimous decision for a cafe in UTG to be run by Common Good Aberdeen volunteers, with 100% of profits going to improving the gardens. A result in the truest sense.

I would also like to say a sincere thank you to the Guardian for its investigations, and to Ms Lennox (who can’t win – she gets it in the neck if she says anything, and gets it in the neck if she doesn’t. But I dare say she knows what’s important and what she’s doing, and petty, small-minded criticism can’t stop her. More power to her, as they say).

Now back to Aberdeen City’s A to Z of services.

M is for Marischal College: – Result! ACC gutted this building, fitted it out with new furniture for some of the council staff, and boasted widely how wonderful it was – it only cost around £60,000,000 and it ‘came in on time and under budget’. You can’t say fairer than that, can you?

Of course we never got to see a list of what the alternatives for council office space were (Old Susannah did do a FOI, knowing there is a ton of empty space owned by ACC out there – but was told this information was top secret). Marischal may have been under budget, but what the budget was for other solutions was never disclosed.

Marischal workers are also under something else, and it’s not budget. The problem I reported earlier with leaking toilet pipes hasn’t entirely been solved. It must be kind of stimulating – you never know what’s going to land on your desk if you work at Marischal.

N is for National Fraud Initiative: – No, it’s not an initiative to strip the taxpayer of as much money as possible, it means that:-

“…Aberdeen City Council is required by law to protect the public funds it administers. We may share information provided to us with other bodies responsible for auditing or administering public funds, in order to prevent and detect fraud.”

We’ll have to wait and see if the new administration can do as well as the previous one at preventing fraud. Let’s see – we had Councillor Cassie and his little financial embarrassment. We had ‘care’ workers stealing from their elderly clients, we’ve had social workers buying themselves goods with our money; we’ve had people at the council offices taking their work home with them (in the form of embezzled funds).

There is a saying: steal something small and you’ll go to jail; steal something big and they’ll make you a legend. Steal an entire Victorian Park and put it into private hands to manage? They’ll make you an ACSEF member.

O is for Open Data: – As the Council tells us,

“Open data is about increased transparency, about sharing the information we hold with the wider community to build useful applications.”

There is a link to this open data –

“We now have a linked data repository, available at: http://linkeddata.aberdeencity.gov.uk/ which provides a number of data sets as linked data. “

Please do be my guest and visit this link. But if you’re looking for any controversial data, I’m not sure this will be much help to you.

P is for Package Holidays: – the City is giving us advice on consumer protection regarding package holidays. Result!

I wonder whether the previous Lord Provost did a package holiday when he went on some of his essential world-wide trips in order to save the city some money. His visit to Nagasaki clearly worked wonders, and I hear the Japanese want to get rid of some of their tedious green space to build granite webs.

There was a tartan created to commemorate the visit as well. While we were spending all this money on his designer jeans, clothes, travel, portraits and so on, we sensibly have just auctioned off some of the artefacts from Thomas Glover House. Glover, you may recall, was for all intents the man who most helped to open up Japan to the outside world, and his house in Aberdeen was a monument to him and his travels.

I wonder if they’ve sold the doorknobs, light bulbs and light switches from the Glover house yet?

Q is for…. nothing: There are no entries. Nothing about quality of services, quality of life, nothing. That’s because things are so good, there’s nothing left to say. (X has no listings, either, FYI).

R is for Rats: If any of you have read the previous columns about the city’s A to Z of services, you will suspect correctly that this link takes you back to the city’s exterminator services. The city will happily kill rats, rodents, insects, and a whole host of critters for you, for a fee. And as we sadly know, they’ll shoot deer.

Next week: Expect an update on the Tullos Hill deer slaughter story, the remainder of the alphabet, and a return to definitions as normal.

PS – I have learnt a great deal from the online debate sparked from the Guardian’s Annie Lennox story. But most importantly, I’ve learnt you are not allowed to criticise a place unless you live in it. Therefore, let’s have no more carping on about the situations in Syria, Iraq, Tibet, Myanmar, DRC, and so on. Glad that’s settled.

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Declan Michael Laird Interview

Community, Featured, Information No Responses »

Jun 142012

At age 18 Declan Michael Laird is getting a remarkable reception in Hollywood. He is on a scholarship to the most prestigious acting school there is, he is playing football with celebrity expats, and he is having the time of his life. Aberdeen Voice’s Suzanne Kelly catches up with Declan, and gets the gen on his story so far.

Declan answers the phone, and the first thing that comes up is weather. Aberdonian readers don’t need me to tell them how this summer is going, but Declan’s interested. “You’d be surprised – I do miss the damp weather sometime… the sun can get to you sometimes if you’re running around a lot.” he offers, “But I do love it, and I’m lucky.”

His voice is filled with enthusiasm (it sounds as if he is smiling and on the verge of laughing), and it should be. He is in Hollywood pursuing a career as an actor. Not bad for a teenager from Scotland.

I ask what he got up to today.

“I got up early, did some school work, then went to gym and tried to work out, then met friends for coffee – I’m off to class shortly.”

Class in this case being acting lessons at the Stella Adler Academy of Acting and Theatre.

“I was playing for Greenock Morton FC and left school at 16 – I wanted to be pro player. I never thought about acting . I was on a pro youth contract.

“I came to Los Angeles on vacation, and there was a workshop at an acting school. I was with my dad, and said I’d go in and give it a shot. I’d never had the opportunity back home. I went in and I loved it – I felt I had a knack for it – I did it, loved it, came home from LA and told my family that I wanted to give it a bash.

“I got an agent in Glasgow and my first audition was for River City. This was only a week or so in [to being signed by an agent], and I got the part. I’d never even been in the school play! I did the audition the way I thought it should be done. I got the call the next morning to say I got the part.”

“It was all amazingly sudden,” Declan tells me,

“I went to the first filming and decided this was what I wanted to do – the cameras, the actors, being on set was amazing. Football, which had been my aim for 10 years, suddenly fell to the back. I did a few short films back home with independent filmmakers.

he said, ‘You would be the first person since Robert De Niro to get this scholarship.’

“In December 2010 I got a call from Stella Adler School – (from Milton Justice who is an Oscar-winner documentary maker; he was the man who took the workshop). I had no idea I was doing the workshop in front of an Oscar winner – maybe that’s why I wasn’t as nervous as everyone else. He said he was impressed, and there was a place if I wanted to go to LA.

“I was signalling to my mum and she said it would be too expensive. But I told him l’d speak to my parents and call back. So I spoke to my parents, and called back to say we couldn’t really afford it. He sort of laughed and said ‘we’re offering you the place, it would be a full scholarship’. Just as I was about to get my words out – I was speechless – he said, ‘You would be the first person since Robert De Niro to get this scholarship.’ – I thought I was being punked”.

Declan continues:

“So at that point there was only one thought – I was going to go. So, fast forward they wanted me in January – but I was still 17 –so I came in August.”

Laird has a manger and an agent, not something that your average teenager winds up with after a few months in Hollywood by any standard, and work is coming in.

“I’ve just booked a film with award-winning director Stan Harrington ‘Lost Angels,’ which starts filming this month. I start in July – I’m excited about that.”

And from the tone of his voice, yes, he is. There are other call-backs and opportunities which we discuss. I look forward to watching where he’s going to next appear.

“I don’t even know the name, but there’s a movie being made in Scotland and the casting director’s wanting to ’Skype’ with me to talk about.”

There are other international prospects in the pipeline, and it will be interesting to see what choices Laird makes.

“It sounds far- fetched when I tell people.” Declan says of his experiences.

Indeed, one of the reasons I wanted to get in touch was that his story sounded far-fetched to me when I’d first heard it from his father. Parents do generally tend to exaggerate what their children are up to, but with hindsight what his father told me was understated compared to the facts.

We talk about football.

“The good thing is I’m playing football as well . Vinnie Jones is the coach; there are a few guys from Hollyoaks. A lot of British actors, models and singers are coming from the UK, and here there’s not a lot of opportunity to play.

“Vinnie rounds up everyone he can who is able to play.

“Mark Wright is out here making a documentary. He plays in the team on Sunday, and the show filmed it – you’ll see me playing with Mark and Vinnie shouting at us.”

I ask about visits home – wouldn’t a teenager so far from home miss his friends and family?

“I’ve only been back once – I went back at Christmas. It is difficult sometimes, but this is where I want to be, and I’m very determined.” I’m more than convinced of the determination by this point. “ People think I’m about 25 – being here alone has matured me a lot.”

“Ross King has been really helpful – he does the Hollywood scoop. He heard about me coming out here, got in touch. When I first came I didn’t know anyone. He’s introduced me to people, takes me to the studio – he’s been great.”

I come back around to football – after all there are just a few issues with Scottish football at present. Would he still be following his team?

“I am a Celtic supporter. I don’t watch all the games, but there is an Irish bar in Hollywood that shows the Old Firm games. My brother is a Rangers supporter and my dad’s a Rangers supporter as well.”

Not wanting to linger on Rangers’ future or any family football rifts, I get back to acting.“What roles appeal to you?” I ask as what must be a fairly predictable question.

“A lot of people seem to think they can see me as a bad boy – could be to do with the accent. But I like comedy – I like making people laugh. But I’m open to everything. All the good roles are the bad guys.”

I can’t argue there, and think of De Niro’s ability to be a terrifying villain (the remake of ‘Cape Fear’ springs to mind) as well as his considerable gifts for comedy. I have little doubt Laird will be another master of both.

Will he wind up another ‘Lohan’? Will he be jaded before he’s hit twenty? Will he keep up the enthusiasm and energy which will be essential to win roles and handle the ups and downs? I think so – but I ask about it.

“My family are so supportive – you meet so many people out here whose family aren’t supportive. You can be out of work; you can be in work. But they support me in every way they can.”

Declan’s keen to say hello to his friends and family

“Hello!”

“If I could say a special thank you to Jim Sweeney, who lives in Inverclyde. When I was first starting he helped so much and I really appreciate it.”

I ask Declan for any last thoughts.

“It is amazing what I’ve achieved in the last 8 months – the events I go to, the people I’ve met. I feel like it’s meant to be. That sounds cheesy – but I’m a great believer in things that are meant to be.”

Keep up to date with Declan on twitter at @DMLactor

City Roller Girl To Carry Olympic Flame

Aberdeen City, Featured, Sport No Responses »

Jun 072012

By Fred Wilkinson.

The Olympic Flame will be carried through Aberdeen City on Monday 11th June, arriving in the City around 6.25pm at Peterculter, and making it’s way to the Castlegate via Milltimber, Cults, Mannofield, Holburn Street and Union Street.

Among the runners will be Scotland Roller Derby international and Aberdeen team captain, Carolyn Mackenzie, who will run with the flame around 6.33pm from a section of the A93 near Coronation Road to the Milltimber Village sign.

Having previously published articles on Europe’s fastest-growing sport, Aberdeen Voice were delighted to hear of Granite City Roller Girls being represented in the ceremony and eager to know how Carolyn was feeling about her involvement.

“I am absolutely thrilled and overjoyed and really looking forward to the event.” announced Carolyn proudly.

“Part of the reason why my application was successful is the work I do with Aberdeen’s only Roller Derby league – Granite City Roller Girls. We are a nationally competitive league which was established in 2008 and we have been competing since 2010.”

Carolyn was originally nominated through the Diet Coke campaign by an ex-skater, Jenna Hunter, in recognition of her commitment to raising the profile of Roller Derby as a sport, and for her motivational role in the local team. In addition to the captaincy Carolyn also has the role of Head of Training for the team.

Carolyn explains:

“I am always looking for ways to put power into the team and try my best to inspire others to achieve their full potential. I’m forever scouting the internet, watching national and international teams and watching the regional play offs in USA online to keep up to date with the newest strategies.

“I’m also forever trying to persuade coaches from other successful leagues to train with us and trying my best to attend boot camps. On top of this I like to look up to other established full contact sports to see why they have become so successful and trying to do the same for our team and Roller Derby .”

In recognition of her hard work and commitment, Carolyn was one of two Aberdeen skaters selected to compete as part of Team Scotland at the inaugural Roller Derby World Cup in Toronto last December where the Scots finished 11 out of 13.

Carolyn commented:

“The World Cup was an eye-opener as some of the girls who were competing on the USA team have been skating longer than I have been alive! We also beat Brazil and Argentina to secure 11th place, something many Scottish teams can’t boast”

Carolyn will not be alone as she takes her turn carrying the Olympic flame on Monday. Fellow Roller girls are understandably proud of Carolyn’s achievements and are excited at the prospect of cheering her on along the route.

Team-mate Kirsten Reid told Aberdeen Voice:

“Granite City Roller Girls are immensely proud of Carolyn, one of the privileged to have been selected in this once in a lifetime experience of carrying the Olympic Torch.

“Carolyn is an inspiration to all her family and friends with the achievements she has made in the last year. With all the hard work and dedication to her sport, this is a lovely way for Carolyn to be rewarded. Well Done Carolyn, carry that torch with Pride, you deserve it and we love you.”

Carolyn added:

“A lot of them are coming to line the streets to watch my run which is pretty emotional. We are a tight-knit group, and the team has gone though such a tough time so far in 2012 that it’s so nice to have something positive to do.

“Everyone is really happy for me. Some lucky souls are away on holiday at the time and will be watching me from Spain and USA.”

It has indeed been a tough few months for Roller Derby in Aberdeen. At the moment, GRCG have no venue locally to compete.

They were housed at the Beach Leisure Centre for over a year, and hosted many national leagues there, competing with teams from as far afield as Leicester.

The first ever Scottish Tournament was held at the BLC back in 2010. However, early this year the BLC refurbished its flooring, and despite no damage having been caused by the skaters, they were informed that we could no longer use the venue.

Having explored many alternatives including schools, colleges and Aberdeen Sports Village, GCRG are still trying desperately to secure a suitable venue in order to continue developing the local league and the sport in general. Carolyn fears that the situation could have a profoundly negative impact on the future of the sport locally.

“The members and volunteers of Granite City Roller Girls have built this sport up from nothing, and being a relatively new and misunderstood sport we have struggled to reach the level that we are at today.

“Roller Derby is a recognised sport and follows rules and infrastructure like any other sport. There are rumours that our governing body the Womens’ Flat Track Derby Association will be creating a European League in the very near future and our aim is to be able to one day compete in it.

“Without the experience that competitive play brings (and the funding that spectator fees generate) there is a very real possibility that the momentum behind the team will cease and the game will keep rolling forward without us. “

Roller Derby is played on an oval track, with a 10 ft clearance zone around it. Adding areas for spectators and team benches the space required for Roller Derby is the equivalent of a double sports hall – 8 badminton courts – 1221m2- circa.13,000 sq.ft.

The existence and availability of such spaces is only part of the problem faced by GCRG, as Carolyn explained:

“We have been making enquiries into warehouse spaces around Aberdeen, but with Aberdeen being the Oil and Gas Capital of Europe, these spaces all come with a price, and a not-for-profit organisation like ours just cannot compete with Multi-National Companies.

“Our dream is to have such a space though and we believe it is possible.

“Apart from a warehouse, any venue with wooden or concrete flooring of this size will be suitable. I know there are some schools that have sizeable halls but whether they are as big as we require is a different story.

“As members of Aberdeen Sports Council we have been given some excellent advice on approaching potential new venues which includes talking to schools which is something we are very keen to do.”

If any one has any leads or knows of some way they can help they can contact carolynmackenzie@hotmail.com or use the www.granitecityrollergirls.org contact form.

Footnote:

Roller Derby is a full contact sport played on quad roller skates – predominantly by women. It is played on an oval track, each team can have 5 players on track at any given time – 4 blockers and 1 jammer.

The jammer wears a star on her head and her role is to score points by passing each blockers hips. The blockers role is to prevent the other team scoring points by physically blocking the jammer and also to assist her own jammer in scoring points by blocking the opposing blockers. It’s one of the few games where offence and defence are played simultaneously.

More about Roller Derby here.

Want to wish Carolyn well? Ideas regarding a possible Roller Derby venue? Use the comments box below. Note – All comments will be moderated.

Old Susannah No. 79 – The A to Z of ABZ

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

May 312012

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste. By Suzanne Kelly.

Result! I am sure we have all been dancing in the streets as our benevolent UK coalition Government has decided NOT to introduce a tax on heated Cornish Pasties! What a relief! I feel much better now about the Government writing off millions of pounds in tax owed by Vodaphone (and others). You can’t say the ConDems didn’t look after us.

And here in Aberdeen, the P&J have launched a fantastic survey proving beyond any doubt that people still want the web at all costs (well, £140 million at a minimum).

We were blitzed by hugely expensive print and radio advertising saying the web will improve our lives, make us rich, and give us thousands of permanent jobs.

We were asked to pity poor Tom Smith (of ACSEF, City Gardens Trust, etc. etc.) who the press said had been the victim of harassment and illegal spying in the run-up to the referendum. We were not allowed to examine the voting records for evidence of potential fraud (even after people joked/boasted about selling votes) – but the referendum should be obeyed at all costs.

We don’t have the actual visuals showing what the web will look like when the ramps’ security features are up – but don’t let that worry you. We don’t have either a business plan, or architectural plans, and we can’t afford it – but let’s just go ahead anyway, as that will make Sir Ian happy.

Of course Labour always said they did not want a referendum and they pointed out it is not legally binding. Labour also said that if elected they would scrap the CGP – and miraculously they got elected.

Old Susannah would like to end any ambiguity regarding issues on which public opinion matters:

Public opinion does not matter on: Loirston Loch, cuts to services for the elderly or specially abled, school closures, policing, street cleaning, community centre management, programmes for young people; Tullos Hill and its deer; common good land; Redmoss green spaces; grounds of Cove Bay FC; Don Crossings and Union Terrace Gardens improvement.

Public opinion matters on: Putting a granite web over Union Terrace Gardens and chopping down its trees

I hope that helps.

Aside from Poor Mr Milne having problems with his fans revolting and Portlethen trash accumulation, the sun shone, and people in their hundreds flocked to the FUN Beach, in order to leave litter, barbeque grilles, paddling pools and rubbish in the sand.

Old Susannah asked a guy to dispose of his empty redbull can the other day; all I can say is at least he didn’t curse me out and just ignored me instead. Here’s to the people who join the organised beach cleans, and to the people who keep places like Torrymelinos clean on their own.

Now that we’re back to our usual weather, it’s time to get on with a look at Aberdeen City Council’s internet pages and its A-Z list of services. Visiting the Aberdeen City Council website and trying to find a service? You can easily look up any information you want alphabetically.

Old Susannah takes a romp through the city’s website listings and brings you highlights :-

A is for ‘3Rs’ – (NB: I make ‘3’ starting with a ‘T’. But let’s not split hairs). This great 3R scheme sees the city doing yet more PPI-type deals in which private companies perform a service or build something (like a school) and lease it back to the City for massive sums of money. It’s as if I sold you my flat for a fraction of its value, paid you to fix it up for me, and then paid you to rent it back to me for 10 times its value. Bargain!

Most of the rest of the UK has moved away from this disastrous concept (invented in part by our dear ex-Treasurer, ex-PM Gordon Brown in order to keep debts off the books and make the financial picture look rosy). But here in the Deen, we’re still embracing it, with our ex-Lord Provost seemingly quite proud of his services to the 3Rs (3Rs stands for Readin’ Ritin’ and ‘Rhithmatic – to use the spelling taught in the new PPI outsourced schools).

B is for Bats – Normally you might expect a city council proud of its environment to tell you that bats are a unique and endangered species it is proud to have within its city limits, and that bats are protected by EU as well as national laws. But the A-Z tells you nothing of the kind. It tells you about pest control, and how much the city wants for getting rid of all sorts of critters:-

Insects £56 + VAT
Rodents [Domestic] £78.50 + VAT per course of treatment
Rodents [Commercial] £56 + VAT per visit
Bed bugs £74.50 + VAT per visit.

I suppose the difference between domestic and commercial rodents are whether or not they have ACSEF membership.

Of all the city’s money-making, nickel-and dime schemes, this one seems to be both expensive and extensively recommended, as you will see.

Aberdeen seems happy enough to scare and scatter bats in Union Terrace Gardens by allowing HMT to throw massive fireworks displays at Hogmanay. (What was wrong with the beach as a venue one wonders?) Doubtless the rangers were consulted and saw nothing wrong with lighting fireworks over UTG.

Then again they are happy to plunk a 21,000 seat stadium in an SAC at Loirston, and happily arranged for the eradication of our pesky deer. So what if bats, the peregrines,now ‘discouraged’ from their usual roost at Triple Kirks by Mr Milne, and other animals living in the park were exposed to fireworks?

We might be about the only town centre with this mix of animals anywhere in Europe, but we’ve got webs and offices to build, so let’s use subtle tactics like fireworks to get rid of our annoying wildlife. Again, using any of the tons of empty offices buildings isn’t nearly as important as ensuring construction companies can make lots of dosh. So – mind the bedbugs.

Sadly, the council omitted to say how much it charges to kill your deer.

C is for Civic Receptions – like the one we just held for the outgoing Provost. I never did get my invitation to this £4,000 tradition, which could not possibly have been cut back on. Then again, me and another independent candidate never got our passes for the vote count.

C is also for Cat – the link on the City’s website will for some strange reason take you back to the page where you can get pest control to get rid of your rodents. Hopefully our more bloodthirstier council personnel haven’t started exterminating cats just yet. (I can’t wait to get to ‘R’ to see if there is a ‘rats’ listing – but it looks so far like it is politically correct to say ‘rodent’, not ‘rat’). Note ‘C’ is also for ‘complaint’ – but doubtless no one needs to complain to the city about anything.

D is for Debt Counselling – Old Susannah is not sure she’d take financial advice from a city which hadn’t known it was over £50,000,000 in debt some years back, which had written off £11 million in bad debts in the recent past, and was cutting back on essentials but buying portraits and sending Lord Provosts off to Japan.

However, if you are a football club owner and builder who needs to know how to stop losing money when your team plays or needs help shifting ‘luxury’ flats – do feel free to use this service. D is also for ‘dog’ and ‘dog fouling’ – at least the ‘dog’ link didn’t take me to the pest control site again. As to dog fouling – as I stay in Torry, I really have no idea what this means.

E is for Earwig – yes you guessed it – which takes you back to the vermin control pricelist. Quite frankly, I would probably look in the yellow pages before I went to the City’s site for info on earwigs. Speaking of earwigging, Old Susannah is hearing some very interesting stories emerging from LibDem HQ. Can the Liberals lose any more members? Maybe it can.

E is also for Environment – Were you expecting info on air pollution, the polluted burn at East Tullos (more on that next week), EU environmental projects and protection placed on animals? Well, the link for ‘environment’ takes you to:

And what does it say about conservation areas? “Conservation areas are designated by the planning authority as being areas of special architectural or historical interest.” – so it’s only the build environment we seem to be concerned with at the council. That would explain quite a lot.

F is for Freedom of Information – yes, the council are proud to explain what your rights are, and what the law says. I cannot tell you how swiftly, accurately, completely and transparently all of my FOI requests have been answered. But do watch this space. I am expecting some more info soon – hopefully sooner than my request about property sold to Milne-related companies and contracts these companies also won from the city.

That only took a year and the Information Commissioner’s involvement. Sadly, the FOI team at the city were found to be in the wrong on five different counts on that one. Yes, F is also for five. F is also for ‘feral cats’. Yes, you have guessed correctly – the council’s website for ‘feral cats’ takes you back to the pest & vermin control site.

There must be an awful lot of killing planned for this town. Yes, F is also for fleas, flies and foxes – all of course linking to the vermin control page.

G is for ‘Green Space Audit – believe it or not, green spaces are open, usually green (! really!) spaces in and around city centres. We have a strategy. One which is supposed to …

“… provide attractive and appealing places throughout the city, particularly in those areas identified by the open space audit as low in quality. However within a context of serious financial constraint, it promotes innovative and radical ways of maintaining and managing these open spaces.”

Presumably within our serious financial constraint to manage our green heritage there is a fair amount of room for turning meadows into barren rocky hills,but no doubt Tullos will be tree-covered soon, even if it is a few months since the gorse was largely destroyed, shooting deer (and lots of other things too by the sounds of it), and especially borrowing 90 million pounds to put a granite web over a valley, and turn its earth into a stadium, with seating from the destruction of ancient trees. Yes, that’s quite a strategy.

Well, that’s enough alphabet for now. I’m going to go celebrate with a Cornish pasty, heated as hot as I can make it. Oh, and a new BrewDog prototype beer: American Saison. This delicious offering is made from leaves and berries (like the Cair No Mohr wines I adore).

Next week: more of the city’s website alphabet – and some head-scratching over the city’s wiping £26 million of debt off for the AECC. Hmmm.

Feel free to add any comments below. Note – these will be moderated.

Integrity An Democracy

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 172012

By Bob Smith.

Integrity an democracy wull be lost
If the City Gairdens plans ye scrap
So says yon mannie fae Acsef
We maan pit Aiberdeen on the map
.
The chiel his hid a memory lapse
Integrity and democracy it deet
The day the public consultation vote
Wis ignored by Sir Ian an his creed
.
The lot in the coalition cooncil
Ti spik ti Widdie felt the need
Onybody wi a grain o sense
Kentiss widna dee ony gweed

Is it ta-ta ti the Granite Web?
Weel we’ll hae ti wait an hope
The Labour lot stik ti their guns
An Sir Ian Widd is left ti mope
.
The third briggie ower the River Don
Micht be fer the chap as weel
Ross Grant is noo on the cooncil
He thinks the scheme is bliddy feel
.
Integrity an democracy micht recover
In the toon twixt Don an Dee
If some cooncillors they haud faist
An ti Widdie dinna bend the knee

City Sky Project – Pie In The Sky?

Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour 11 Responses »

May 172012

There was jubilation in Aberdeen today after the SNP and Lib Dems were sensationally returned to power. Samuel Clemens writes.

The March referendum result having trumped the local elections that followed it in May, the first act of the reinstated council will be to overwhelmingly approve the City Sky Project.
This ambitious plan by international tycoon Donald Duck and Axsef will raise the entire city to the roof level of St Nicholas House.

Keith Stuart, former councillor and now European ambassador to China said:

“Only 25,004 people voted for Labour in the elections, whereas 50.001% of voters voted for the City Sky Project in the referendum.

“Since Labour campaigned on a pro UTG ticket, it’s only democratic that they should be removed from power, made to empty their desks, have their phones confiscated, and be escorted from the city by Union Square Security Guards.”

Of the City Sky Project, Deputy Council Leader John Fletcher explained :

“Labour had intended to demolish St Nicholas House and replace it with a garden. That scheme would have cost millions of pounds and only had 99% of its funding in place.

“Then Donald Duck came along and suggested raising the entire city to the roof level of St Nicholas House, as an elegant alternative to demolition. He even offered to fund the first £5m himself. A scam like this only comes along once in a lifetime, and we all felt it was a visionary concept that could really revitalise the city centre.

“As soon as this is imposed on the people of Aberdeen I’ll be relocating to Brighton, where I can lead an alternative lifestyle.”

International Tycoon Donald Duck has strong ties with the city because his German grandmother once owned a Scottish Terrier named Jock.

Well respected accountants Price-Whatnohouse-Kline-Beecham have eliminated the need to consult specialist construction surveyors by guesstimating the project at an affordable £500m. A spokesperson said:

“We are merely acting on the instructions of our client, Donald Duck. He calls the shots.”

The balance of the funding will be raised under the tested system of CIF, or Crony Increment Funding. Council protégé Callum McChild deftly explained the workings of this complex funding mechanism,

“Under this scheme the entire city will be leased to an unregistered charity vehicle named Axsef World Domination Fund Limited for a period of not less than 525 years.

“The cost of the development will be recouped by increased business rates in the two new towns that will be constructed within the CIF zone to the North of Aberdeen. These are to be named Peterhead and Fraserburgh.

“The increased business rates will be in effect for a period of 25 years. Although it is a certainty that this will repay the loan, any remaining debt will then in theory be recouped by confiscating and auctioning the homes of everyone living in the city or its suburbs. But that part will never happen; never in all my six years as a teenager has something like that occurred.”

Lord Provost Humptress Dumptress, who represents the ward of Steven Wiggy Construction Limited, claimed that all her constituents were in favour of the project.

“Aberdeen would have been the laughing stock of the entire Universe had it rejected The City Sky Project. The alternative is that St Nicholas House is painted bright orange with F*CK YOU stencilled down the side of it and left to stand forever, and the Art Gallery will almost certainly fall down of its own accord.”

Mike Sheepdog, Spokesman for the annoying tree-hugging luddite NIMBY Occupy movement spin-off, Friends of Aberdeen, thumped his chest and shouted

“THE CITY SKY PROJECT IS UGLY. WHY REPLACE A CITY WITH A CITY?”

Bohmenian cafe owner Steve Bakewell disagrees with Mike Sheepdog,

“There is an alternative. I have plans drawn up to reopen St Nicholas House as a macrobiotic cafe. As you can see from these drawings we’ve incorporated a giant spiral staircase around the exterior which we also plan to reupholster in tasteful crushed velvet. There will be outdoor balconies every third floor with canopies to protect patrons from all the seagull shit.”

Esteemed International Architects Diddly Squat Rankturd, who designed the world revered tourist attraction An Overgrown Field are to head up the project. Donald Duck explained,

“Yeah, this is a great deal for you limeys, these guys turned a bunch of grass into some wild flowers and folks flocked to see it from all over the world.

“It was inspirational. Charles Rankturd is jetting in to have brunch with some students at Gray’s, because Zooey thought that would be a good photo op.”

Aberdeen Voice got a sneak peak at the plans and can confirm that everything, with the exception of St Nicholas House, will be demolished in order to prep the area. We then asked 100 people in the vicinity of Cornhill Hospital how they felt about seeing the entire city being reduced to rubble.

White Heather Wifie felt that the city was old, dirty, covered in chewing gum, and should be replaced with something new.
Gilcomston Tramp said he never used the city and didn’t see the point in it.
The Guitar Wifie from St Nicholas Centre complained that the city was only used by drunks and junkies, and wasn’t safe to visit anymore.
Aye Aye Wifie fae King Street said she had a problem getting her stolen shopping trolley up and down stairs especially when it was full of Yorkshire Terriers.
A man with seagull feathers in his hair felt that the city was an eyesore and clearly past its sell by date.

A representative of the Federation of Small Nutcases said,

“Our members are in favour of the project, and so is everyone else.”

“It is heartening to hear that not only will St Nicholas House be preserved, but that it will be reinforced to act as a symbolic supporting pillar for the revitalised city.”

Herr Flick, spokesman for Axsef, revealed how police had to be called in after annoying tree-hugging luddite NIMBY Occupy movement spin-off, Friends of Aberdeen kidnapped his family, stole his plasma television, barbecued his dog, scrawled the world “PIG” on his wall in blood, called him a w**ker online, and hurt his feelings.

Although clearly shaken he bravely explained, “The entire inside of the structure will be one enormous arts centre, capable of holding over one million people, designed in the theme of a shopping mall. Art and shopping are integral to one another.

“Our PR company conducted research that revealed art and shopping are two sides of the same coin. This vibrant fusion of them will create a cafe culture and determine our entire weather system for thousands of years to come. The city will benefit from hosting prestigious events like Fame Academy and The World Dwarf Throwing Championships.”

The Office for Spoilt Brat Future Prime Minister said in a statement that Spoilt Brat felt that Aberdeen was lacking in connectivity.

“To get from one side to the other you have to pass through the middle or go around. Once the City Sky Project is completed it will also be possible to bungee jump over the side then ride an elevator back up.

“People will start to move around more exploring these sorts of tactile possibilities. It’s all about connectivity, that’s why vibrant cities like Disneyland and Alton Towers are such a commercial success.”

Councillor Josh Corblimey thought that this had the potential to be just like Space 1999,

“We could have robots and stuff, and everyone could eat that mashed potato stuff that you mix in the packet and microwave. In fact everyone would have access to microwaves, and we could communicate with each other using them.

“Microwaves would be like phones, and we could all wear suits of tinfoil, fly around in jet-packs and make popcorn. Imagine if someone farted whilst flying their jet pack? It would be ace. But I see the need to make education our priority. Happy days!”

We dug up Ex-Aberdeen Manager Ally McGab who came close to winning the World Cup with Scotland in 1978. He commented:

“The people of Aberdeen need to think big, but remember it’s a game of two halves Archie.”

Celebrity Scottish President John West Salmon was craned into Aberdeen for five minutes where he gave the project his endorsement 110% while presiding over the public execution of unpopular crazed renegade Mike Sheepdog.

Aberdeen Voice comments:

The people of Aberdeen have no choice but to welcome this ambitious scheme. The fact that the referendum was rigged is irrelevant, that’s all in the past, now we must move on with our lives and embrace the future. And the sky is the limit!

( Add your own view on this exciting venture in the comments box below )

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