Creative Writing Archives - Page 29 of 39

Donald’s Tong Connections

Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 292011

By Bob Smith.

Trumpie’s spies hiv bin lit loose
Nae doot aa lookin shifty
Diggin fer proof Obama wis born
In the USA state number fifty

Donald’s nae sure far Obama is fae
Disna think it’s in Hawaii
Noo his goons are doon checkin
Presidential birth rules div comply

Some allege Obama’s a Kenyan
An his nae richt ti be in the post
Bit the President’s mither’s American
So Donald jist awa an git lost

Noo dis Donald nae claim his mither
Born in Tong syne USA she did gyang
Maybe iss shud as weel be contested
Jist in case the mannie is wrang

Donald please gie us the proof
Yer mither cam fae the isles in the west
Let aabody see yer certificate o birth
An pit yer claims noo ti the test

Fox News are “trumpetin” Donald
Ti run for presidency of the US of A
Wi backin fae iss richt wing lot
Americans shud start ti pray

Wis Mary Anne born in Tong?
Wis Donald in Queens, New York?
Micht there be a bit o confusion
If it wis a bliddy useless stork

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

5500 Royal Wedding Street Party applications in England and Wales: 13 in Scotland.

Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion No Responses »

Apr 292011

Voice’s Dave Watt reports….

5500 Royal Wedding Street Party applications in England and Wales.

13 in Scotland.

Occasionally I am proud to be Scottish.

A Man’s A Man For A’ That

(Robert Burns 1795)

Is there for honest poverty that hings his heid and a’ that
The coward slave we pass him by, we daur be puir for a’ that
For a’ that and a’ that, our toils obscure and a’ that
The rank is but the guinea stamp, the man’s the gowd for a’ that.

What though on hamely fare we dine, wear hodden grey and a’ that,
Gie fools their silk and knaves their wine, a man’s a man for a’ that,
For a’ that and a’ that, their tinsel show an’ a’ that,
The honest man, tho’ e’er sae poor, is king o’ men for a’ that.

Ye se yon birkie ca’d a lord, wha struts an’ stares an’ a’ that,
Tho’ hundreds worship at his word, he’s but a cuif for a’ that,
For a’ that and a’ that, his ribband, star, an’ a’ that,
The man o’ independent mind, he looks an’ laughs at a’ that.

A King can mak a belted knight, a marquis, duke and a’ that,
But an honest man’s aboon his might – guid faith he mauna fa’ that!
For a’ that and a’ that, their dignities an’ a’ that,,
The pith o’ sense and pride o’ worth are higher rank than a’ that.

Then let us pray that come it may, as come it will for a’ that,
That sense and worth o’er a’ the Earth shall bear the gree an’ a’ that,
For a’ that and a’ that, it’s coming yet for a’ that,
That man to man the world o’er shall brithers be for a’ that.

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 32

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 222011

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over recent events, stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

There have been a fair share of animal cruelty stories in the last few months; Donald Forbes will soon have is day in Court (looks like 16th May at Aberdeen Sheriff Court – if you’re free, do stop in and wish him well). But there are some other charming people who deserve a mention this week.

Picture this: you are frail, in your 80s, and a youngish girl has been sent as your carer. Just hope it isn’t Kirsty Rae, a home carer for Aberdeenshire Council. She has been caught apparently stealing hundreds of pounds from elderly, vulnerable older women – one believed to be 89 years old. It is a crime how little money our oldest residents are expected to live on to start with – but can you imagine the stress for these women – thinking you had lost your money – and worrying if you were losing your senses?

Allegedly Ms Rae has previous form – she is one to watch in future – actually just watch your older relatives and your wallets if she is within a few hundred yards.

No doubt she has a problem, maybe had a tough childhood, money problems or some other reason we should all feel really sorry for her – and no doubt has reasons why she should not get a custodial sentence. As for me, I will reserve my sympathy for the robbed women – who have lived through World War II, probably worked hard and scrimped and saved all their lives.

Nice one Kirsty.

My second man to watch in the news is the Aberdeen Football Club fan who apparently head-butted a 12-year-old boy.

The boy was asking for it – he had the nerve to be wearing a Celtic jersey AND was in a shopping centre – with his parents. Matthew Brown is thought to be pleading to avoid a football ban – he had been drinking you see. I guess that makes it all right.

The little boy will obviously be very apprehensive and intimidated for some time to come, and was nauseous and ill after the vicious attack. But hey, Matt probably won’t do it again. Unless he has been drinking. Matt – it is only a game, and not an excuse to attack children who choose a different team than yours. No need to get the younger generation involved in any of your personal gripes. Deal?

There is of course no reason why a party would want to stick to the usually generous promises it makes in a manifesto

On a happier note, spring is in the air (well, the haar is pretty thick anyway), and election fever is gripping the City and Shire. In the pubs and clubs the talk is all around the AV – Alternative Voting system referendum, and with the exciting leaflets flooding through the letterboxes explaining how honest, gifted and wonderful each candidate is, it is all anyone is thinking about.

Is the suspense getting to you? I would love to hear your thoughts on this exciting election looming for the 5th May. But what does it all mean? What will it mean for the Country? For our great democratic, unified City? Perhaps looking at some of the terms in depth will help.

Manifesto: (Noun) Work of fiction used to deceive; usually deliberately written to be so long and tedious that anyone who tries reading one will utterly forget their own name, let alone remember the manifesto’s economic policy on EU agricultural subsidies or educational targets.

A party just isn’t a party without a good manifesto; the manifesto gets to have its own ‘launch’ party at which the press stifle yawns and try to think of interesting questions on a document that is ultimately as exciting as a telephone directory – only a lot less believable. There is of course no reason why a party would want to stick to the usually generous promises it makes in a manifesto.

Some parties – for some reason Liberal Democrats in the last prime ministerial elections come to mind – promise the world. Free education for all, ice cream for everybody, and two cars in each garage.

I know – perhaps we can have a consultation on this: maybe the public can be given a choice of route options

They then find themselves with a tiny bit of power, and needing to have a slice of the pie, they fold like a cheap suit and do as they are told by the more powerful party (for some reason I think of the Tories). If your manifesto promises no tuition fees, there is some possibility that one or two of the voters will notice if you are a bit less than good to your word. But then again, it is not as if they can do anything about it.

I’ve had a look at the 89 page Liberal Democrat Manifesto, and see that they intend to deliver something called the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route; this pledge is filed under the phrase ‘for efficiency’. I know – perhaps we can have a consultation on this: maybe the public can be given a choice of route options and vote on the matter after some road shows.

Old Susannah is getting old and her memory is going, because I mistakenly remember sitting at an ‘Aberdeen Civic Forum’ meeting in the town hall, where NESTRANS promised that the route would be finished in 2012. Maybe I got that wrong: perhaps it is the LibDems that will be finished.

But there is good news: The LibDems care about wildlife: From the manifesto:

“The nation’s farmers are also stewards of the countryside, playing a key role in protecting Scotland’s wildlife and habitats”.

Presumably, with the exception of inconvenient deer.

Polling Station: (Noun) A place where, if you are lucky enough to find it, you will be given a numbered piece of paper, have your name written on a numbered sheet of voters names – and then be told that your vote is totally anonymous.

You will have a choice of parties to vote for – Raving Monster Looney party being amongst the more conservative and long lasting of them.

You will wonder if you are looking at photographs of fashion models and movie stars at first

It is the 21st century and we are a technologically advanced society. This is why we are voting using pieces of paper which are stuffed into a wooden box, then later taken to a larger counting area and people hand-count the votes for hours into the night and the next morning.

Mistakes are never made, and no one ever counts incorrectly. You might think that an electronic voting system would be a good idea, but there is something to be said for this method. I’m just too polite to say it.

I said it can be difficult to find your polling station – particularly as some 14,000 Aberdeen residents received their polling cards telling them where to go to vote: to a school that had been closed down some months before. To be fair to the Council, it would be awfully hard to keep track of all the schools we’ve closed, and you cannot be expected to check all the fine details when you print a couple of thousand polling cards.

Flyer: (noun) Printed page delivering short, factual, truthful messages. The means by which political parties remind you of all the good they have done and will do.

The person receiving a flyer through their letter box will religiously read all flyers and save them for posterity, if the dog hasn’t chewed up the flyer and the flyer deliverer’s hand first. They come in fabulous colour schemes such as sickly gold and dark purple to seem all the more cheerful. You will wonder if you are looking at photographs of fashion models and movie stars at first, then you realise it is pictures of your would-be elected officials.

Remember, if it is printed in a flyer, it is true. Candidates are very careful not to promise more than they can deliver, and with our services and society in the shape they are today, there is very little left to promise anyway.

NEXT WEEK: news on FOI requests into Union Terrace Gardens and City property sold to Stewart Milne; Deer update (the deer have 19 days left as things stand before the blackmail ultimatum is up), and more definitions.

Aiberdeen’s “The Burj”?

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 222011

By Bob Smith.

Anither iconic building we need
Is the view o yon Stewartie Spence
A luxury hotel like his nae less
Chargin mair than a fyow poonds an pence

Gie St Nicholas Hoose site awa says he
Ti some gweed developer chappie
Faa’ll build a great fantoosh palace
Ti keep the weel aff richt happy

A hotel nae doot fer the rich
Like the Burj ower in Dubai
A placie fer toffs ti swan aroon
Far prices are fair sky-high

Bit let’s hae an iconic building
Fer the less fortunate in oor toon
A placie fer the hameless ti bide
Wid be mair o a bliddy boon

Awa wi yer haverins Mr Spence
We’ve aneuch for the rich ti survive
We need ti look efter the poor
Faa’s lives hiv teen a bit o’ a dive

Nae doot he’ll class me “a traitor”
Fer nae wintin oor economy ti expand
Bit aboot the gap atween rich an poor
I’ll nae beery ma heid in the sand

O coorse anither use fer iss site
Is ti mak it a City Square
C’mon aa ye toon cooncillors
Aa it taks is a bittie flair

©Bob Smith”The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Parking Space – The Final Frontier

Articles, Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 222011

Aberdeen Voice is proud to present the following comic strip originally created by local artists Dave Smith and Graham Murdoch. The cartoon strip first appeared in an issue of the sorely missed Keltik Komix in the late 1980s. However, readers will find the subject matter not only topical, but uncannily familiar. It is very likely that the particular issue of Keltix Komix in question was funded by Aberdeen City Council – for which we are extremely grateful.

We Winna See The Trees Fer The Widd

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 152011

By Bob Smith.

Destroy his vision at yer peril
Ye bunch o ignorant plebs
He’s mair money than the lot o ye
An aat includes ony media celebs

He thinks ye’ve gin aff yer heid
If ye turn doon his generous offers
We’ll nae survive withoot him
There’s nae money in city coffers

Neen o yer speil he wints ti hear
Aboot the green lungs o the city
Iss is aboot pittin lots o dosh
In his Acsef cronies kitty

A fine specimen o a roof gairden
Fae some architect wull be seen
The toon centre transformed says he
Fair sparkling in front o yer een

Faa‘s mou dis aa iss crap cum fae?
O aye yon millionaire mannie Widdie
Some think the billie a richt gweed chiel
Ti the rest he’s a bliddy diddie

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

The Oligarchy Dream

Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Apr 082011

By John David Fraser.

Shop shop shop shop till you drop.
Dont ever think, dont ever stop
but wait a minute, here’s a thought.
What are these things that you have bought?
What benefits do they bring?
The hi-tech phones, the diamond rings,
and all the other pointless bling,
they are all tools of mass distraction
to distort true human interaction.

Its BUY BUY BUY, SALE SALE SALE!
75% discount on your thoughts derailed.
Nike trainers, Adidas hat.
Wheres your logo? Whats with that?
I ask what are the deeper meanings?
Behind the scenes there is a scheming.
Something which most neither see nor understand.
The false logos. The hidden hand.

For material life, I’ve heard it say
is but a game of monopoly.
For when our souls leave this plane,
the pieces go back in the box again.

But people do not want to see it seems.
They ignore the truth to feed the meme.
The elitist oligarchy dream
to tear our souls from seam to seam.
Some people say the devil is in the detail.
I say the devil is in the retail

Lament Fer The Northeast

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Apr 072011

By Bob Smith.

Faar’s the likes o Tammy Mitchell
A provost wi nae falderals
Nae cavortin wi Acsef types
Or big lood moo’d Yankee pals

Provost Mitchell he spak the lingo
O the local North East lan
Ye aye kent fit wis fit
Fin Tammy shook yer haun

Nae mair chiels like Bob Boothby
Or mannies like yon Robert Hughes
Ye micht nae agreed wi their politicks
Be ye kent they’d peyed life’s dues

Jist mealie-mou’d gabbin gadgies
In the political scene the noo
Maist o oor Scottish MSPs
Shud bi on the bliddy Broo

Nae worthies in oor local council
Like Dick Gallagher or Alex Collie
Jist a bunch o maistly fearty fowk
An we greet at aa their folly

Nae muckle fish landed at Aiberdeen
Since the discovery o aa the ile
Nae mony fish market porters
Hiv ye seen noo fer a fyle

Nae chatter o riveters haimmers
Or the soond o tackety boots
Jist the noise o fower bi fowers
Driven bi billies in Armani suits

The young in oor wee villages
Canna afford ti buy a hoose
The reason is ower plain ti see
Incomers hiv bin lit loose

Fowk faa wark miles awa
In the toon o Aiberdeen
Hiv snaffled aa the village hooses
Or as holiday hames they’re teen

Nae mony local shops o ony note
Cos they’ve aa gin ti the wa
Nae langer a leevel playin field
Supermarkets hiv pinched the ba

We eesed ti hae a gweed paper
The P&J wis aye breezy an bright
It’s nae langer kent as impartial
The pages are noo fu o shite

Nae chunce o mince an skirlie
At some funcy restaurant placies
The chef wid look doon his nose
An pull affa funny facies

The reason he wid gie ye
As he whisks up his blancmange
Is ye canna serve up skirlie
Wi a dish o Duck a l’orange

At Pittodrie I watched gweed fitba
Faar players talents war set free
Noo it’s aa blackboard tactics
Wi systems 4-5-1 an 4-3-3

N.E. culture some say is wanein
Bit the Doric it still huds fast
An as lang as we aye spik it
It’ll nae bi in the past

I’m sure ye’ll bi noo hae gethered
I’m haein a wee rant an rail
An if a happen ti lan in jile
Wull somebody please pey ma bail

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 30 – Six Month Review

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Apr 072011

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over the events of the last 6 months and the stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

As there are so few interesting local, national or international developments in the news lately, (earthquakes, wars, radiation, armed robberies, Aberdeen Council wheeling and dealing notwithstanding), this looks like a good time to look back at some of the terms and issues covered in Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner over the last six months.
The column looked at Change Managers, Continuous Improvement, Climate Change and Dangerous dog owners and dogfights. What has happened to the heroes, villains, good, bad and the ugly? Well, let’s see…

Animal Crackers

Let’s Go Clubbing:
Cast your mind back – do you remember Donald Forbes, golfer and fox batterer extraordinaire? What’s become of him? First he told us he had clubbed the fox (which was later found in such a horrible state it had to be put down, to the disgust of 99.95% of the members of Forbes’ golf club).

Then Forbes said he was in ‘mortal danger’ from the fox and therefore swung his club near the fox, but did not hit it. How this tame, well-known fox was going to harm Forbes other than stealing a sandwich from him remains unclear. How the fox was injured fatally also remains a mystery, as Forbes says he did not do it.

Sources tell me Forbes will soon have his day in Court – keep your eyes on the Aberdeen court circular during the month of April. Truth will out. Maybe.

Licensed to maim:
Like-minded animal lover, top oilman, and gunslinger Mr Mervyn New, you will remember, took his gun to work and quite rightly shot some horrid gull chicks that had the nerve to be in a nest near him. One bird was dead outright, the other suffered in agony until the SSPCA could have it put down.

Maybe we should all bring guns to work? On the plus side I bet Mr New looks quite macho with a gun. It would be cruel to suggest he might have a complex against his parents for naming him ‘Mervin’ so I shall say nothing on that subject. My emails to his local and head office have gone unanswered or have been returned marked ‘delivery failure’. It is almost as if Marine Subsea UK do not want to set the record straight or answer any questions on their guns-at-work policy. Maybe some of you readers can get an answer out of them. I will try again when I have made progress on…

…The Tullos Hill Roe Deer:
In a style that would make Highwayman robber Dick Turpin blush, the City have told animal lovers to pay up £225k by 10 May, or the deer get shot. It was all most democratic; they voted on it, except they did not bother to mention the cull to the citizens. Scottish Natural Heritage point out unwillingly (see articles elsewhere in the Voice) that alternatives to gunning the deer down do exist. During this ongoing saga

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them

Cllr Aileen Malone proved she could not count; she announced that ‘about one’ person in Aberdeen wrote to her against the cull. She later apologised for this understandable mathematical error – but I do not believe her apology was as public as her P&J statement about there only being ‘about one’ objector. I can however say that at least 500 people have signed various petitions and that is a conservative figure (like me).

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them. Nevertheless, at the next possible election, there will most definitely be a cull of Councillors.

The Council had handled the proposed tree planting in its time-honoured way; it held a consultation.

Democracy Inaction

Consultation:
That’s right – the City asked us mere citizen taxpayers what we thought of the tree planting on its lovely website, and gave us until the end of this past January to comment. Just because the City forgot to mention the cull is no reason for the consultation not to be valid, after all, without consultation we would not have our design competition coming up for…

…Union Terrace Gardens:
Back at the time how exciting it was – ACSEF were visiting shopping malls and businesses, giving presentations on a wonderful new way of re-imaging the gardens – turning them into a concrete slab with underground parking. Despite producing a brochure (costing about £300k of our money), which showed exactly that type of outcome – large squares of concrete, one or two tiny trees in planters, and happy people walking around in nice weather, the public vote was against it.

Who would have guessed that the public simply did not understand how important this was to Ian Wood’s future, sorry – to our economic prosperity. So, we will get a design competition instead. Someone already got money earmarked for the rival, earlier, clearer, subtler Peacock plan – money which was intended to be used by Peacock.

I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections

No one knows anything about how the money was approved for expenditure; no one knows what goes on inside ACSEF (the online minutes do not give any history or details on this saga worth having). And the worst part is, people have actually organised to protest against having shops and parking.

How else will Stewart Milne’s lovely plans for Triple Kirks work? Answers on a postcard please.

The Press & Journal on 6th April continued a welcome new trend – they are questioning the handling of the UTG situation in an excellent editorial well worth reading.

Public Image:
In a past Old Susannah Dictionary Corner, I was heartened to hear that Kate was going to get an image and publicity makeover by the LibDem team who gave the world Nick Clegg. Here we are about three months later, and I think the results speak for themselves. What do you think of the new Kate? I think the results of Nick’s influence speak for themselves.

Kate’s complaint at the time was that people always complain when things are going bad, but they never compliment the City Council when things are going well. I asked readers for examples of things that went well, but have received not so much as a line.

Coalition:
You might remember some months back when I was worried about our local LibDem / SNP Coalition arguing about how many Council jobs to cut. Nine hundred with no consultation? Six Hundred? Ask for ideas? Cut nothing and then keep quiet? Those must have been exciting times for the staff at St Nick’s. I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections. I hope nothing will interfere with how things are working here. In fact, soon all will be perfect, once everyone moves into…

…Marischal College:

In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space

Charities are short of funding, schools are closing, and elderly and vulnerable people are at risk from a host of problems. No matter: we saved Marischal College. The Council told us that they will not disclose what the alternatives were or what they would have cost – it is copyrighted so they claim. We saved Marischal by gutting it entirely, throwing Victorian books into a skip (I have a source who confirms this), and we’re putting in brand new furniture. £60 to 80 million well spent I say.

Loirston Loch – a nice place for a game of football:
Despite lack of consultation with the relevant local Councils, little support from Football fans, and opposition from local residents, follically-challenged Stewart Milne (of ACSEF and AFC fame) got the green light to build a red-light stadium in the Greenbelt land of Loirston.

Scottish Natural Heritage weren’t bothered (despite SAC land status, protected species and RSPB objection); Brian Adam MSP was ecstatic, and Richard Baker MSP was ignored.

Kate Dean was the impartial convener of a marathon hearing on the matter, which was always going to end favourably. In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space. If there has not been too much dialogue at present, it is because of the massive legal points being researched prior to the battle royale.

Conclusion – A Brighter Outlook:
The most important thing to remember when considering the recent past is that we now all have A Brighter Outlook. I know this, because the City Council put it in their literature. It is an ACSEF slogan, it is how the City does business, it is all brighter. After all, how much darker can things possibly get?

Next week:
Since ACSEF benefited so much from its new logo and ‘A Brighter Outlook’ slogan, Old Susannah is getting a makeover. I do not know exactly what to expect and what the Voice editors have in mind, I just hope I will come out looking as cool, modern and with it as ACSEF does.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the very nice/interesting/excellent e-mails and comments.

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 29 – Spring Loaded

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 032011

Spring is on its way; the granite is shiny at Marischal College and new life is beginning (where it can either make it through the concrete or where the Councillors don’t want it culled for being in the way). But Old Susannah has a heavy heart, and suspects many of you do as well.

The approaching spring seems to mock a love affair that has died. There were warning signs along the way. The arguments became more frequent, increasingly bitter, and all-too public. It seemed that the honeymoon was over, and any common dreams and goals were going or gone. Then there came the day the penny dropped: there was the piece of evidence proving that all was not well, and denial was no longer an option. The writing was on the wall.

Actually, the writing was on a full-colour ‘Residents Survey’ from Lib Dems John Sleigh and Nicol Stephen in which they ask Aberdonians:

‘SNP BROKEN PROMISES – The SNP government was elected on a promise to improve transport networks in the North East. Do you feel the SNP have let our area down?’

The SNP here in Aberdeen are (or maybe ‘were’ is the better word) in the exciting local coalition government with the Lib Dems, responsible for all the benefits we enjoy. The SNP councillors must be reading this survey in heartbroken shock. They must be wondering why the Lib Dems are attacking them on the national level, while still pretending to be in an Aberdeen coalition – and must also be wondering why they didn’t think of getting in there first.

Just as well our local Lib Dems haven’t let anyone down – otherwise they could be accused of astonishing hypocrisy. After all, the Lib Dems have promised to wipe out the Tullos roe deer, and they are sticking to it. I eagerly await a SNP survey – sooner the better.

Consequently, the Coalition error (sorry ‘era’) in Aberdeen must surely be finished, for how can you work with someone locally who’s trying to damage your status nationally? The party is over. I haven’t been so upset since Peter Andre and Jordan broke up. But I know the Lib Dems will remain in power. How do I know this?

Simple – Their survey included a Poll.

…. And to follow on from that bombshell, let us now unravel some tricky locally topical terms –

Poll(verb)

A scientific information-gathering procedure measuring opinion with great accuracy and impartiality. Helpfully the Lib Dem mailing I received shows how the Lib Dems are well poised to win in Aberdeen . This poll result coincidentally follows the 2007 introduction of new voting area boundaries, an exercise which was undertaken with no thought of influencing election outcomes, which goes without saying.

For some strange reason The Scotsman newspaper is saying something completely different – that the Green party will knock the Lib Dems into 5th place. I’ll give you that the Scotsman is no Evening Standard, and clearly The Scotsman is a much more biased organisation than the Lib Dems are.

Picture the scene – you are, struggling to get by for yourself and your family on a meagre few hundred million, when all of a sudden the Government announces a staggering tax on your industry

It’s not as if the Lib Dems have done anything to make themselves unpopular or seem indecisive; quite the contrary. Nick Clegg’s steadfastness; Danny Alexander’s bragging that the Oil tax was his idea, the unshakeable will to plant trees in Aberdeen even if they have to wipe out all the wildlife to do it, etc. etc. all these have won admiration. But on with this week’s definitions – it will keep my mind off the tragic SNP/Lib Dem situation.

Tax Haven (noun)

A country or Principality (such as Monaco) with lenient banking regulations, used to shelter money which would be liable to taxation elsewhere in the world. If you are good, then you will go to heaven (some say) when you are dead. If you are good with money, you will go to a tax haven when you are alive. Picture the scene – you are, struggling to get by for yourself and your family on a meagre few hundred million, when all of a sudden the Government announces a staggering tax on your industry.

Suddenly someone is going to make a change like this that will have a great impact on your life – and they didn’t even bother to consult with you first. But no matter. You are probably famous as well as rich, and local politicians will rightly continue to fawn over you – even if you are about to take a few million pounds of tax money out of the country.

Perhaps if you give the locals a wonderful gift of some sort – but what? Maybe a few more shops, concrete and parking spaces – all of course with your name on a big plaque (even maybe a statue of you – that would be a good touch). In addition, the same clever accounting acumen you’ve used to take tax money out of the country may be able to find some way to get you further tax breaks. Hmmm. Perhaps your family can get in on the act somehow. Maybe they could have a Trust fund to keep your gift going for the grateful locals.

When is the next flight to the Channel Islands, or should we just charter a jet.

Design Consultants (collective noun)

Do remember that it was an award-winning architect who got the job of designing the beautiful concrete homes that grace Torry

A form of demi-gods that mankind looks to for guidance. The Romans, Egyptians and other great, long-lasting civilisations followed codes of design based on use of natural materials, harmony of form and function, aesthetics, and proportions built on logic. Thankfully this is the modern world and we don’t’ have to deal with that kind of nonsense any more.

How outrageous can design get? How massively oversized should buildings get? Is there anything better than big sheets of glass curtain wall on high rising buildings which dwarf and clash with their neighbours? The Design Consultant thinks not.

Neither you nor I are in any position to question or criticise a Design Consultant (well, I do have a BA in Fine Art, and did a Master of Fine Art at Edinburgh College of Art). A Design Consultant can use words like ‘juxtaposition’, ‘deconstruction’, ‘iconic’ and post-post Modern’ – all in the same sentence.

Do remember that it was an award-winning architect who got the job of designing the beautiful concrete homes that grace Torry, known locally as ‘pig pens’ or ‘chicken coops’ (because we hapless residents are ignorant of their spatial concepts, defiance of the laws of compression and tension and adherence to socio-economic regional identity or something). However, we are all agreed these are incredibly beautiful structures.

Design costs and Union Terrace Gardens is where you start paying.

From the little sense I can currently get from the Council, we are going to have the same Design Consultants, Read, who gave grateful Londoners a design for the old fashioned Victoria And Albert Museum. The predictable lawn is going, grass being replaced by glass and giant structures, which we are too thick to appreciate.

If this is now predicted to cost double the original estimate, we’re just going to have to dig down into our reserves (those of us still paying tax) and stump up. Remember, the Scottish Parliament would not be the building it is without Design Consultants (or the woman who was appointed to work on the project who had NO prior experience – her genius is evident). So what if the Parliament cost few hundred million more than was budgeted? We’re worth it.

Fear not: the coalition government in London will handle this competition with the same expertise as it’s handled everything else.

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