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Old Susannah No. 183 – A Pig and a Poke

Opinion, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

Oct 012015

Old Susannah makes a silk purse out of a sow’s ear with some timely political definitions. By Suzanne Kelly

‘In a Pig’s Ear’, I thought upon hearing a recent piece of political gossip; ‘Someone’s telling porkies’. The story put a look on my face akin to the look worn by Milliband in this photo from August.

Perhaps the tail in question, no doubt circulated by some squealer or other, was actually about the MP Richard Bacon? Perhaps a politician with their nose in the trough was behind the rumour? Doubtless some sow-and-sow was hamming it up to give us all a good ribbing. Truly, I never sausage a strange series of news headlines as those that were trotted out last week.

But it was true; Jeremy Corbyn is now Labour Leader.

Think of all that hard work that Tony Blair accomplished in modernising and improving Labour. What if it were all for nowt? All that creative writing that got the dodgy dossier ‘sexed up’ (not in the David Cameron sense of course)? What if we hadn’t got rid of Sadaam Hussein? What if Tony hadn’t been the Middle East Peace Envoy and had restored the balance of power we’re seeing the benefits of now?

No, Corbyn and his crazy ideas have to go.

Aside from worrying about someone who wants people earning decent wages, who wants to home these pesky immigrants/refugees, who wants to prevent nuclear war, it was a good week. I had a few lovely drinks down at Café 52 during the warm weather; and a few drinks in BrewDog. The BrewDog Jackhammer margarita remains my favourite beer cocktail, but Krakatoa has the tiki cocktail supremacy in Aberdeen sewn up.

My last cocktail there was a practically fluorescent purple delight, delicately flavoured with violets. As I can’t remember the name of it off hand, I’ll just have to go back and try some more of them. Nicely done Flash.

Under the Hammer has some of my artwork on show with the wonderful paintings of Neale Bothwell and some amazing prints from Graham, legendary contributor to Viz Magazine. His Black Bag, Faithful Borders Binliner’s escapades are on display and available as a limited print. Result!

But I digress. This Corbyn business has to be nipped in the bud. Here are a few timely definitions to show why there’s no room in Left Wing politics for a man who’s clearly Left Wing.

Trident: (Modern English Compound Noun) United States nuclear weaponry deployment system kindly gifted to a grateful UK and its taxpayers, keeping us safe from harm.

It was quite a political party for Labour in Brighton. According to the BBC Corbyn doesn’t like nuclear weapons:

“no way that he [Corbyn] would ever use nuclear weapons because they are “immoral”.”

Clearly someone who is so naive cannot be trusted to blow the bad guys up when it comes down to it. Now that they know that, they’ll be able to destroy the world before the West gets a chance to. Alas! We’ve simply got to win the last war, don’t we?

Some champion of the working man Corbyn proves to be – doesn’t he know lots of people work on Trident? What’s more important, making people retrain into other lines of work, or ensuring we can end the world? Keep those Trident jobs going; I hope the men and women who earn their living by ensuring our tax pounds are diverted from the NHS, welfare and education for this gangbuster guarantee of safety are as proud of what they do as I am proud of them.

Trident is a bargain at twice the price; first, we get to keep that ‘Special Relationship’ going with the USA. Makes me warm just thinking of that time Thatcher danced with Ronald Reagan. Secondly, it’s great at keeping us safe (even if those Russian jets which keep flying over England don’t realise it). Third – just think of the economic benefit.

There are over 500 civilians in Scotland employed because of Trident! Result! What’s more important, ethics and the world’s ecological health and species survival, or economics? I don’t think I need to spell it out any more than that. Further, our defence budget is around 30 billion or so (at least that we know about), and you’ve got to keep that growing. There may be a time for beating swords into ploughshares in the future. This ain’t it.

Foreign Policy: (English Compound Noun) strategies and values applied to international diplomacy.

You’d think the guy would have learned a thing or two from Brown or Blair, but apparently not. Here’s what Corbyn has to say about foreign policy:

“I argue for a different type of foreign policy based on political and not military solutions; on genuine internationalism that recognises that all human life is precious, no matter what nationality; and solidarity with the oppressed across the globe from the subjugated Palestinians to the displaced Chagos Islanders.” http://jeremycorbyn.org.uk/priorities/peace/

Again, there is this childish idealism that the left should actually have something to do with left wing, socialist values and human rights. He should have been disabused of this idea at one of Labour’s long ago Brighton conventions. A terrorist named Walter Wolfgang (yes, I did write about him once before) was removed from the room for interrupting proceedings under the newly created Blair-framed terrorism act.

In point of fact, the ever trustworthy Jack Straw was apparently speaking at the time, telling us why we needed to bomb Iraq. For whatever reason, Wolfgang disagreed. Of course this heckler was a life-long Labour supporter, who in his advancing 80 years must have lost the plot and thought criticising Blair was still allowed. The arrest threat was dropped, but at least we taught this dangerous terrorist a good lesson.

What Corbyn needs is a profile and popularity boost, and nothing says popular like invading the Falklands or Iraq. Hope he’s got a good war up his sleeve somewhere. After all, at first we all trusted Tony ‘Things can only get Better’ Blair and his charmingly toothsome wife Cherie with her arresting smile.

Morality: (English from the Latin) relating to what is good or bad behaviour.

If you needed any further reason to distrust Jeremy, did you know he’s been DIVORCED? Just what kind of person would do something so immoral and still think they had a right to be the United Kingdom’s Prime Minister?

No, I for one am happy to stick to Right Wing, Conservative family values.

And there you have the case against Corbyn. Old Susannah is off out now to a pork roast. I hear that some of our best political leaders like pulled pork. Or something like that.

Until the next time I take pen and oink to paper, tally ho, cheerio, etc.

Next week: Definition of the phrase ‘to go the whole hog’

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MSPs Welcome Shire Decision To Support Refugees

Aberdeenshire, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 012015

With thanks to Tom Collins, Press Officer, Rt. Hon. Alex Salmond MP MSP

Alex Salmond MSP and Christian Allard MSP have welcomed the news that the SNP led Aberdeenshire Council has committed to support up to 50 refugee families fleeing the war in Syria.

At a meeting held on Thursday 24th September councillors debated an emergency Notice of Motion which was unanimously supported.

The Notice of Motion said:

“That Aberdeenshire will contribute to the vision of a Scotland where refugees are able to build a new life from the day they arrive and to realise their full potential with the support of mainstream services; where they become active members of our communities, with strong social relationships.

“That Aberdeenshire welcomes the co-ordination role being taken by CoSLA with regard to financial support and integration issues.

“That the Chief Executive will indicate to the Scottish Government and UK Government, through CoSLA, as a matter of priority, the scale of support that Aberdeenshire can offer in the short-term, middle-term, and longer-term, acknowledging that both the Scottish Government and the UK Government have made a commitment to settle refugees within a year.”

Aberdeenshire Council has been engaging with local partners to identify appropriate resources that can be put in place to support families who may come to Aberdeenshire.

Commenting Alex Salmond said:

“I welcome Aberdeenshire Council’s decision to support these families, who are in desperate need of our help.

“We must remember that these people are not being pulled into Europe, they are being pushed from their homes because of war and the threat that exists to their lives.

“It is fantastic to hear that the motion was unanimously supported. It is important that we all work together to try and help these people in need.”

Commenting Christian Allard said:

“It is great to see unanimity at Aberdeenshire Council. This decision reflects the overwhelming opinion that Scotland should take its fair share. We must ensure that we are helping these refugees and our partners in Europe to come to a solution to this humanitarian crisis.”

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City To Release ‘Tree For Every Citizen’ Costs

Aberdeen City, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 012015

This is an article submitted to SHMU for inclusion in their publication, Torry’s Vision. SHMU, or Station House Media Unit is a charity as well as a limited company, largely funded by the taxpayer. They purport to want articles from people living in Torry. They didn’t want this one. However, almost every issue of Torry’s Vision has glowing reports from the city’s rangers on how wonderfully things are going on Tullos Hill. Dissent seems to be off the menu at SHMU.

No final explanation was ever given for the refusal of this article.

First it was too long; I shortened it. Next they suggested it could be included as a letter. I explained that letters hardly have the same weight as articles. Then they wanted me to contact every organisation and person mentioned. Clearly the city, Aileen Malone, etc. would not be forthcoming with permission or statements to me on the deer cull and the enormous financial cost of their ‘cost neutral’ scheme.

Imagine if other magazines and newspapers had to contact the people they wrote about? Nothing negative would ever be published.

I sent footnotes to every claim I made. I told them they could cut the sentence about HoMalone (as she is known). No one ever explained why they didn’t print this, but had room for a full page story on a SHMU party, or half a page about household tips. SHMU’s representative was sent all of the links and/or prints of all documents used to support the article’s claims.

These can now be found here, along with a great deal of other relevant information on the deer cull and Tree scheme. They also said that this article needed to be more interesting to the people of Torry. Perhaps if any Torry residents past or present could kindly weigh in to say if this piece is at least as relevant to then as SHMU’s barbeque, that would be helpful. One more point: the City took months to release the finances: they were incomplete. By Suzanne Kelly

A petition to examine issues surrounding the scheme and Aberdeen’s Tullos Hill in particular gained sufficient public support for the city’s Petitions Committee to address the issues.

The committee met the petitioners on 21 April.
Text of their petition can be found here.

In May of 2011, campaigners wanted the deer spared and for Tullos Hill to be left as a meadow and the roe deer to be allowed to remain.

Campaigners argued that the flowers and the gorse were important habitat and should not have been removed.

The hill is a former industrial and domestic rubbish dumping ground with serious soil pollution issues. When the public found out there would be a deer cull, thousands signed petitions and several community councils objected as well. STV reported that 80% of the city opposed the scheme . The convener of the Housing & Environment Committee, Liberal Democrat Aileen Malone, demanded that the public come up with £225,000 for fencing – or the deer would be shot .

Animal welfare charities and organisations were alarmed at this unprecedented demand, and people were urged not to give into the demand. Free of charge services were offered to show the city how to grow the trees using non-lethal methods – these were dismissed out of hand. A spokesperson for the Scottish SPCA referred to the culling of the deer for the tree scheme as ‘abhorrent and absurd .’

The public were initially told the tree planting would be at no cost to them. However, a Freedom of Information request revealed that an expert C J Piper, was paid £72,212 for services to the tree-planting scheme (FOI letter EIR-13-0110 – A Tree for Every Citizen response from Aberdeen City to S Kelly of Thu, 14 Feb 2013 9:39).

Other expenses include fencing, the cost of having the deer shot, and a previous failed planting on the same hill which saw the taxpayers returning £43,800 to Scottish Natural Heritage (letter from Forestry Commission Scotland to Aberdeen City Council 2March 2011). The campaigners want to know what all of the expenses are, both historic and ongoing.

John Robins of Animal Concern said:

“Aberdeen City Council have all but wiped out a perfectly healthy herd of deer which had existed for generations on a piece of rough land which has never been suitable for anything else. Tullos Hill evolved into its own natural habitat and should have been valued and protected for what it was and not destroyed to fit in with the grandiose plans of petty politicians.

“It is extremely unlikely that any new woodland will survive on Tullos Hill,” – (John Robins of Animal Concern in email to S Kelly of Fri, 3 Apr 2015 2:05) .

Suzanne Kelly, who has written several articles for Aberdeen Voice and a report, continued:

“There may be very few deer left in the entire city according to a recent SNH count. We want to know how much tax money has gone on this scheme, we want no further culling, and we want the city to seek assurances from the SNH that we won’t see another £43,800 bill coming our way: the trees are covered by weeds in many places, no matter how many awards have been dished out.”

Torry resident Earl Solomon added:

“I don’t agree with killing the deer. I think it’s disgusting”

The city council will consider its deer control issues again in October. It voluntarily has culled the 46 deer to grow trees, saying they are sticking to Scottish Natural Heritage guidelines. These guidelines are just that – guidance and not legally binding. Other local authorities such as Glasgow decided not to kill their deer.

More information on the costs of the Tree for Every Citizen scheme will be released shortly. It is important to see how much this scheme has actually cost Aberdeen’s taxpayers.

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Syrian Refugee Crisis: Fin Hall Comments

Articles, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 012015

This refugee crisis has certainly brought the Middle East situation into sharp focus. Many and varied opinions have been voiced, and no doubt the picture of the young boy on the beach in Turkey tugged at many heartstrings. It has encouraged many people, including our own first minister to offer to put up some of these unfortunates. Fin Hall opines.

This awful situation, as we are aware, has came about by several factors. One of which was Tony Blair engaging in an illegal war; but the Syrian situation originated as part of the Arab Spring, which started in Tunisia. Their actions were relatively peaceful, but in Egypt, and more so in Syria, it was the opposite.

The failure of the uprising in Syria led to the easy access of Isis, and the escalation of Muslims killing Muslims – leading to the mass exodus that we see now.

Iraq is a different situation. We invaded this country because we didn’t like their leader, and make no mistake this was the only reason.

Coming soon after going into Afghanistan where Egyptian and Saudi terrorists called Al Queda were located, this was George Bush jnr’s excuse to flex his muscles. As soon as he became president, it was obvious he was going to go to war with someone, and 9/11 gave him the opportunity.

He must have been wetting his pants at the thought. His next thought was obviously, ‘Who can I rope in to be my gullible partner here? I know there is that nice right wing lefty Tony Blair’.

The rest, as they say, is history.

The sad thing about us civilised countries is we never prosecute our leaders when they break the law. We just let them retire on an non austerity pension and get them a good job elsewhere. In the case of Mr Blair, U.N. Envoy to the Middle East.

Who says politics doesn’t have a sense of humour?

Meanwhile at the “successful” conclusion to the “freeing” of Iraq, the people themselves greeted the troops by cheering them on the streets and toppling the previous regime’s statues. Kind of like what happened in Europe at the end of WW2. Only this time the love affair was short lived. This new found freedom gave leeway to the people who were too scared to try and overthrow Hussein, to rise up and to start the cowardly process of killing, not only American and UK troops, but their own fellow citizens.

This seems to be the continuing, relentless manifesto of these maniacs. Resulting in the refugees. The sad thing is that none of their fellow Middle East neighbours seem willing to take them in. They see Western Europe as their only place for safety.

Saudi Arabia, in the meantime, continue their onslaught and killing of the citizens of Yemen. And nearby, Zionist controlled Israel, backed by USA, relentlessly persecutes Palestinians. In none of these conflicts do we ever hear on any news channels, ‘Now over to our correspondent on the ground in ( insert appropriate country here) for the latest news’.

Social media, for a while, was full off scare stories alleging ‘Isis members in the ranks of the refugees’, ‘refugee kills European citizen’, etc. Now while there is always the risk of such things happening, and I am sure that governments will be on high alert for this, I think that our humanity will not allow our fear to win out.

Nor should we be complacent though.

I see on social media people saying that we should all open our doors and let some of these poor unfortunates into our homes. How very magnanimous and easy to say.

But the whole situation is not that simple. Already some people moan about Eastern European, economic migrants getting council houses before people who have been on the waiting list for years. What would it be like when our quota of refugees arrive?

Not that these moaners are right of course.

The other end of the stick are the 3,000 or so refugees living in camps at Calais, whose plight suddenly made people act after the picture of the toddler on the beach went viral. All over the country people started collecting clothes, shoes and sleeping bags etc to help ease their lives.

My one question on this is; why in this case is it mainly, I say mainly not wholly, young men that have travelled right across Europe to try and get to Britain? I am not implying that they have come all this way to claim benefits or suchlike, but as a whole lot of them have come from Africa, where are their wives and children?

Recently I have read of Refugees in Holland and Denmark, not complaining about various things. Minor things in the big picture and things that we would tolerate if it meant us having a safe life free from real oppression. Things like not every migrant is a potential terrorist having internet, sharing accommodation that is meant for 16 with half that number, not eating because they aren’t sure if their food is halal, only getting a one year visa and not being automatically allowed to bring your family over.

This latter man had his supermarket bombed, not sure if it was deliberately targeted, and not in any way decrying this person’s loss of business, but I know if my business was destroyed I would never abandon my wife and children to fend for themselves.

I don’t pay any attention to the scaremongering posts that pop up on social media; you know the type I mean – ‘Isis infiltrating refugees, migrants wreck bus, etc.’

Even when there were delays at Calais, it was reported it was due to migrants, whereas it was mainly due to French workers going on strike. I am not naive enough to believe that every migrant is a potential terrorist, nor do I understand why some otherwise sensible friends repost stuff from the likes of Britain First, even though the sound bite might make a little sense.

But I am also not foolish enough to accept the fact that every single asylum seeker is genuine. And I realise why some people are concerned.

I realise that, hopefully, they will be checked out properly and that, in all the countries only the genuine ones will be allowed to stay.

Meanwhile we should all keep treating them with compassion, whilst making the facts clear, that whichever country they are entering, they are making that choice of which country they want to be in and therefore should obey the laws of that country and respect the cultures and traditions of it.

And, as much as possible, don’t alienate and isolate yourself from the natives.

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American Ultra: Andrew Watson Reviews

Articles, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 252015

Action comedy American Ultra is a novel mix of fighting, explosions and laughs, but falls short of being something you’ll remember for any great length of time. Aberdeen Voice’s Andrew Watson watches this stoner/sleeper cell mashup.

There weren’t too many people in Cineworld at the Queens Links during the Tuesday night showing, which was probably standard given that the film is nearing the end of its screen cycle. Casting-wise the composition of its starring actors is a curious one.

First you have a guy primarily known for his voiceovers as protagonist parrot ‘Blu’ in Rio and Rio 2.

On the other hand, as distinctive as her voice maybe, you have the supporting actress in the form of Kristen Stewart who is primarily pictured as the love interest pin-up ‘Bella’ in the Twilight saga.

Whilst the latter plays doting girlfriend, Phoebe, the former is dopey druggie, Mike. They reside in a small town in West Virginia where Mike works as a convenience store clerk.

It turns out there’s a part of his mind compartmentalised, in hibernation and waiting for activation. This comes in the form of a CIA operative visiting his store and using code words which at first seem just like gibberish. However, when they sink in he becomes an unlikely combat expert who can dispatch an opponent with a spoon.

It’s a tad like Matt Damon in the Bourne films, but doesn’t take itself half as seriously. The title also suggests a word play on ‘Project MKUltra’, a series of experiments by the CIA which began in the early ‘50s and basically aimed to achieve mind control.

There are two factions at war in this film. There is Mike, of the Ultra program; and members of the Tough Guy project. Good guy versus bad guys. It’s judged that Mike must be eliminated so this is done in the guise of a supposed ‘super typhoid’ outbreak, shutting down the small town completely.

There are some genuinely interesting facets of Mike’s backstory. Like how he was a ‘three strike delinquent’, volunteering for the program but having his memories erased when it was scrapped. Or how Phoebe’s an undercover agent tasked only as his handler, but genuinely falls in love with him during her assignment.

There’s also a clever little episode within the closing scenes when Mike finally proposes to Phoebe. He’s spent the entirety of the film seeking an appropriate time to do so, and this takes place in front of several squad cars. One taser shoots, crisscrossing into him, as unto her. This Romeo & Juliet are star crossed lovers, indeed.

Other than that, though, some of it was rather corny and sometimes the line between silly and serious was so blurred that I didn’t know exactly how I was meant to react scene on scene.

Having enjoyed those facets of the characterisation, don’t get wound up in them and expect any serious development, just focus on the laughs and the unlikely tools of combat. For example, the frying pan used for JFK-esque bullet trajectory.

Confessions of Old Susannah (A Northfield Special)

Opinion, Satire and Humour 8 Responses »

Sep 182015

Old Susannah’s feeling sheepish about recent events, and has decided not to duck the important questions surrounding recent articles about Northfield Animal Haven. Rather than going on the lamb or spreading any bull, here are some timely definitions should anyone think she’s chicken. By Suzanne Kelly.

If you’ve been reading the Voice, you may be aware of articles and comments concerning Northfield Animal Haven. Were all of its fundraising appeals transparent and accurate? Did all of the animals it purported to rescue actually exist? Not so much. Now that the dossier of Northfield’s activities has been turned over to the police, it’s time for me to turn myself in. If Northfield were to be believed – and wny wouldn’t you? – then I have done wrong.

Here are a few related definitions to help unravel the Northfield saga.

Alias: (English noun) A false name, often used with the intent to conceal identity and/or to deceive.

Did you know that Old Susannah is actually an alias, and my name is Suzanne Kelly? Well, it’s worse than that.

“She calls herself SueKelly10 on Twitter”, tweeted Fiona Manclark.

Before you judge me too harshly for this subterfuge, please allow me to explain. ‘Sue’ is a name I’m using to try and throw people from thinking I’m Suzanne. I really am amazed that Fiona figured this out. Alas! I cannot ask her how she sleuthed this one through, she and Northfield have me blocked on Twitter and Facebook.

However, should you wish to ask for her opinions about how Suzanne Kelly has the gall to call herself ‘SueKelly10’, tweet to her at ‘Mummyalfi’. Hope this helps.

As an aside, when I first started writing for Aberdeen Voice (some 400+ pieces ago), I was going to only be known as ‘Old Susannah’ and stay anonymous. I thought that might help give me more distance from people who might not like being investigated.

Alas! While I had said to AV editors that my pen name was going to be ‘Old Susannah’, the first column came out with the heading ‘Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner – by Suzanne Kelly’. With the cat out of the bag, the decision was pretty much made for me that I’d continue investigating and not care whether people knew my name. After all, what was the worst that could happen?…

Death Threats: (English compound plural noun) To threaten to kill someone or a group of people

In various social media locations, Northfield’s Kelly Cable and her father Eric have stated that Kelly’s had death threats. I suppose this could be from The Vegan Conspiracy (see below), militants, etc. But death threats are very serious. Cable claims these have been reported to the police. There isn’t anything funny about death threats – but it is funny that anyone should issue death threats to someone over the veracity of their interesting farming and fundraising frolics. Or benefit fraud.

The family must be very upset by this. Death Threats are no joking matter. They are so upset at these death threats that dad Eric wrote on a Facebook Page about me and my articles that he should get an AK-47. But that’s OK, as he also wrote in brackets ‘tongue in cheek’. He probably only meant he’d like to take me out shooting.

Threats are a tricky thing. Old Susannah / SueKelly10/ I must work harder to understand when a death threat is a joke or when it’s sinister.

Clearly the threats to Kelly are very real. In fact, I am quite convinced the death threats are as genuine as the rescue appeal for the six Shetland ponies she recently removed from Go Fund Me. For some reason, some people found the appeal a tad misleading. It was illustrated with a photo of a cute pony – rescued years ago in Wales. The owner of the six ponies has never come forward, we’ve no idea where they are or what they look like. But because Cable says so, we know that only she was going to be allowed to save them. Otherwise they would be turned into meat. Kind of like the lambs on the other side of the Cable business, but I digress.

By the way, it’s important to remember that everything that happens because of my exposing Kelly Cable’s methods of operation is my fault and not hers. I should have just let her continue to rescue animals (though I suspect some are probably more suited to rehoming in a Farmville game than on a real farm). I could have let her take donations, such as the £150 she got from a pensioner. This generous person wrote in a comment that they couldn’t really afford their donation, but they didn’t want the animals to suffer. What nefarious knaves would be making death threats? I have a theory…

The Vegan Conspiracy: (extremely modern English compound noun) Shadowy organisation that is trying to get people to stop eating animals

I am supposed to confess that my interest in Northfield’s inventive fundraising is due to my being part of The Vegan Conspiracy. This is mentioned here or there on Facebook by Northfield supporters. I have a vegan agenda and I have cohorts. As secret as our cabal is, I’m sure the boys won’t mind me telling you a bit more about our little initiative, The Vegan Conspiracy.

Every full moon, a bunch of hemp-clothing clad, tofu-eating, unshaven, unwashed pagans gather at Torry Battery to advance our inevitable world domination.

The nefarious agenda is to get people to realise that fluffy chicks, fleecy lambs, adorable calves should be petted, loved, given space and not shredded alive and un-anaesthetised on birth for being male (chicks), locked in pens so they can’t move (most other critters), or kept pregnant only to have calves snatched away and be re-impregnated again and again until worn out so we can have milk on our cornflakes.

After we paint ourselves in dayglow paint and dance to Morrissey, we strategise how to get people to be more compassionate and switch from meat and dairy to alternatives.

Alas! as I’m only a vegetarian, I don’t get more than associate membership. But I’m working on it, and one day will be a fully fledged Vegan. Possibly.

Karma: (Sanskrit noun) Fate

Happily Northfield’s owners have many friends around them in this difficult time. Many of these are wishing that karma will get me / comment that ‘ karma’s a bitch’ and so on. Needless to say, I am quaking in my boots at the idea. How will I be punished for what I’ve done?

It would be foolish of course to suggest that perhaps karma has paid a visit to New Pitsligo, and has started giving what is owed.

Alcoholism: (Modern English noun) A disease; those suffering from it are best ridiculed, outed and mocked

Fiona Manclark has let the world know I’m an alcoholic – so she says – and she and her witnesses have the proof. These people claim I am often seen ‘falling out’ of BrewDog.

I’ve a few friends who have this disease; and mocking the afflicted is always a great reminder to them of their weakness.

Some illnesses are quite serious. Fiona, who has delighted in tweeting and posting about my alleged alcoholism, has now resigned from involvement with Northfield on ill health grounds. I wish her a speedy recovery.

Also ill, but with nothing funny at all, is Kelly. She’s let us know her brain tumour is giving her problems again. My sympathies.

As with death threats, Old Susannah is not sure which illnesses are to be mocked and which are to be sympathised with. But I’m working on it. Clearly alcoholism falls into the mocking category for Ms Manclark.

My lawyer and the entire staff of BrewDog don’t believe I’m an ‘alkie’ and that I should do something about these claims of Fiona’s but that’s a matter for another day. I’m sure her repeated posts, comments and tweets about my being an alcoholic (and liar AND keyboard warrior to my shame) were just meant to help me recover from a debilitating disease. Otherwise, her behaviour might be misconstrued as a brutish, libelous, ill-thought through attempt at intimidation.

Intimidation: (English noun) The attempt to subdue, silence, cow another person

Eric Cable, likewise, doesn’t want to intimidate me. When he posts on Facebook remarks to the effect he’s found interesting things on the internet, I tremble. He probably just means he’s found cute looking pony photos to save for future reference or something. I know it’s not about me, but my heart still skips a beat nonetheless. What if he found something out about me?

Could it be that time I jumped in the Trevi fountain fully clothed? There’s the time I streaked through the Queen of the South v Hearts game last February. What if he found out that I was Cancer with Leo rising? Does he have the video from that incident with the ACSEF members, the double-sided tape, and AFC’s changing rooms?

We will soon find out. But until then, and probably even after then, I’ll keep doing what I do.

Tally ho!

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Prime Minister Dodges Serious Questions On Young’s

Aberdeenshire, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 182015

With thanks to Kenneth Hutchison, Parliamentary Assistant to Dr. Eilidh Whiteford MP

Prime Minister David Cameron needs to give a serious answer about the UK Government’s involvement in proposals to use state aid to entice jobs from Fraserburgh to Grimsby, following a parliamentary intervention from Banff and Buchan MP, Eilidh Whiteford.

Speaking at Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesday, Dr Whiteford (pictured) asked the Prime Minister directly what action the UK Government was doing to keep jobs in Fraserburgh. The Prime Minister, in response, gave a much vaguer political answer about keeping inflation and taxes low – failing to address the UK Government’s involvement in Grimsby’s bid as a base for centralisation of Young’s operations.

It was reported earlier this month that North Lincolnshire Council, in conjunction with the UK Government, will deploy a £1.34 million funding package to persuade the company to move jobs from Scotland to Grimsby.

It is understood that the money comes from unused cash in the area’s Regional Growth Fund.

However, Scottish politicians have cast doubt on the funding package, highlighting European Union State Aid rules which place strict limits on the direct financial support governments can offer to companies. Since the UK Government and North Lincolnshire’s offer, the Scottish Government has stated that it will match the funding package – provided it can be demonstrated that such a move would be within the law.

Last month, Dr Whiteford and local MSP Stewart Stevenson wrote to the UK Business Secretary, Sajid Javid, asking for more information about the UK Government’s legal basis for making the offer.

Speaking afterwards, Dr Whiteford said:

“I asked the Prime Minister a straightforward question, and he tried to dodge it. It won’t rub with my constituents, who stand at risk of losing their jobs because the UK Government plans to directly subsidise Grimsby’s rival bid.

“The Prime Minister made no effort whatsoever to address the fact that his Government is in the process of breaching state aid rules, with the specific goal of consolidating jobs in Grimsby – to Fraserburgh’s direct detriment.

“The Scottish Government will aim to match this assistance – if it emerges that it is legal to do so. However, it is disappointing to note that the Prime Minister cannot defend his own Government’s role in damaging the local economy.

“I will continue to ask difficult questions at Westminster, and my colleagues in the Scottish Government will continue to ensure that Fraserburgh remains an attractive place for Young’s to continue doing business.”

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Richard Thompson Shows How It’s Done

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 162015

Richard Thompson returned to Aberdeen Music Hall, and as they say, ‘he owned it’. Biased devotee Suzanne Kelly reviews. Photographs by Julie Thompson.

It’s always a treat when Richard Thompson comes to town. The Music Hall lobby was filled with fans before the show, speculating on what he might play, and comparing notes on when they’d last seen him.

I only found out that The Rails were opening on the night; I’d long wanted to see them live.

Richard’s daughter Kami Thompson and her husband James Walbourne are giving us pure folk music, beautifully arranged with haunting harmonies and beautiful playing. You’d expect no less though.

They explain their new CD has been delayed, or they’d have it for sale tonight.

Happily, you can get more info on The Rails and their CD here.

They seem relaxed and seem to be enjoying it – but it can’t be easy opening up when your father – or father-in-law is basically a living benchmark.

“We still keep falling for the same old lies. Times are tough, times are tough, but that’s enough.”

Thompson opens with the rousing call to protest song ‘That’s Enough’. He explains it’s from the family album, and that he intended it for Occupy Wall Street but ‘was about a year too late’ with it. The night’s going to be filled with astonishing music, but a piece like this reminds you that aside from the 200 mile per hour riffs, haunting acoustic melodies, straightforward honest rock, it’s not just the guitar you come for, it’s the writing.

You have to love the directness and simplicity of a piece like this, but when it’s performed with harmonies supplied by his daughter and son-in-law filling the Music Hall, you remember what live performance at its best is.

Genuinely, the impact of this song as performed was immense. I hope someone’s going to get a recording of this piece with all three musicians. Genetics. The stuff that gives you a family of Bushes or Kardashians. Or, if you’re really, really lucky, a family of Thompsons.

Now that we’re all riled up and ready to start a protest there and then, the music is taking us elsewhere. ‘All Buttoned Up’ leads with its uptight staccato tension leads into folky ‘Sally B’.

We hear a new piece, ‘Broken Doll’ – slow, haunting, touch of menace – in the way Richard makes wholly his own. As he does.

‘Al Bowlly’s in Heaven’ is introduced and explained by Richard. It’s the tale of a veteran who feels forgotten (lack of support for veterans sadly is still a huge issue and the UK fails its service people badly). The protagonist, a down-on-his-luck veteran remorsefully muses on the death of his musical idol. Al Bowlly’s gone to heaven, but our veteran is in limbo.

‘Guitar Heroes’ is an amazing voyage through the styles of the artists who inspired Richard including Les Paul and Chuck Berry. In this piece, the guitar tech is brought on to provide acoustic rhythm guitar support. “Sorry it’s for the same money,” Richard tells him.

The song is an extraordinary piece seeing Richard channel Les Paul to such a degree that I get teary; it was just like listening to Paul again in person like I did, enrapt, over 25 years ago.

To play this song, jumping in and out of styles, is a phenomenal workout. Everyone in the audience is loving the exhilarating, perfect work; it gets massive applause. I’m exhausted for them by this point; but they’re keeping on.

Clearly no one’s going to get onto a bill with Thompson if they’re not the business, but the bass and drums are such you’d have to go far and wide to find talents anything like these. I’ve heard percussionist Michael Jerome before touring with Thompson, but tonight he’s absolutely on fire.

The range of techniques; the variety of the playing, the expressiveness is on particularly great form.

If it seemed like, if Thompson was channelling Les Paul, then Jerome was channelling Krupa and Bonzo.

A solo he’s got about halfway through the night has Davey Faragher making his bass speak like I’ve never heard anyone do before. Other than when his bass takes the lead, it’s always just right – never dominating, always creatively underlining; always felt. We’re liking this line up an awful lot.

The guitar solos exceed expectations. Maybe he has six or seven fingers? How’s he moving that fast? Why did they call Clapton ‘Slowhand?’ A few frivolous thoughts like that come quickly to mind and go. The greatest metal lead guitar players would have a hard time doing this material justice. The music and the material has me thinking and feeling some wonderful things; I’m finding this exhilarating, battery-recharging, and empowering. And I want to go and protest things even more.

Then he slows it all down with If Love Whispers Your Name ‘next time I promise I will be ready, ready to move when the clouds roll apart

It ends too soon. Afterwards, over a quick drink or two (the road manager is celebrating his 60^th birthday – though he seems more like 20 to me), Richard’s got an effortless nonchalant demeanour; ‘down to earth’ doesn’t even quite do it justice; he’s just being a top bloke.

What others said:

Gemma Louise Cook said:

“it was a fantastic night and a real treat to be there – RT Electric Trio and The Rails gained two more very enthusiastic fans in Scott and I Thursday night.”

Portrait artist Keith Byres said:

“Blistering performance! Richard Thompson is a musician who doesn’t believe he’s a guitarist…. He just knows!!!!! This is true art!!!”

and Shaun Young said:

“great performance loved the new album too. enjoyed the rails too. great vocal. , the drummer from the electric trio was incredible couldn’t take my eyes off some of his drum beats very impressive.”

On a personal note:

There was this particular point, maybe it was a solo early on in the proceedings, but I realised that something was missing – then I realised that someone was missing. Her name was Ruth MacPherson; she loved Richard’s music, and one year I was going to take her along, but on the night she was just too ill from her fight with cancer to make it. She’d have loved being here tonight.

Most musicians gracefully sign photographs and pose for photos as if they were an exhibit; I generally try to avoid asking them for any such favours when I could just be talking with them.

On that long-ago night though, I got Richard to sign a backstage pass or some such for Ruth. I slipped it under her door one day with a copy of ‘Electric’. She was ecstatic. I wished she was here.

I also got slightly teary like a silly girl when Richard’s ‘Guitar Heroes’ got to the Les Paul section. You try not to be disappointed over the many ‘would have/should have/could have’ moments. Still, the last time I had the opportunity to hear Paul play, I got conscripted against my will into something I didn’t want to do instead.

‘I’ll just go see him play next time’ I thought. There never was a next time, and there won’t be one. Maybe I finally learnt my lesson about following my instincts and appreciating what is available in the here and now. I’d like to hope so. But when I closed my eyes, it was just like being back in Fat Tuesday’s, sitting a few feet away from Les, and hearing those golden tones that no one else can match (Richard did it though).

On a less maudlin note, I would have liked to hear ‘Fergus Lang’ at the Music Hall, like Thompson did last year. That was the first time I’d seen it live, and I’ll try and make sure I see Richard perform it again. I hope RT realises that for a good number of people, that song is pure tonic (Trump not being one of them).

‘Trump’ To Speak At City Art Exhibition

Aberdeen City, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 162015

With thanks to Suzanne Kelly.

Local artists Neale Bothwell, Graham Murdoch and Suzanne Kelly will show their latest works in Aberdeen’s Under The Hammer from 19 September.

Kelly will display satirical dolls parodying Donald Trump and some of his entourage.

The four dolls include Donald Trump in golfing mode – which will give a selection of Trump’s catalogue of offensive comments when its hand is shaken.

Another Trump doll in Graduation mode commemorates Trump’s controversial honorary degree from Robert Gordon University.

This degree prompted academic Dr David Kennedy to hand his own degree back to RGU in protest.

There is also a Donald Jr doll in safari mode which talks when its gun is squeezed, explaining how his killing animals helps Africans. The fourth doll is the Menie Estate spokesperson, Sarah Malone, or Mrs Malone-Bates if you prefer. She married Aberdeen Journal’s supremo Damian Bates.

Many speculate that this may have some connection to the positive media coverage Trump receives in Aberdeen papers the Press & Journal and Evening Express, which ignore the majority of anti-trump sentiment.

The handmade dolls come in packaging labelled ‘Donny and Friends’. The boxes are adorned with pictures of pound signs, bags of swag, guns, golf motifs, etc. – as well as newspaper headlines from some of Trump’s debacles.

Suzanne Kelly has kept a close eye on all things Trump related since his earliest association with Menie as a golf course location, and has been involved in many aspects of opposition the controversial development. Of the plight of the residents of Menie, Kelly is particularly passionate.

Kelly says:

“I’ve written a report on the Scottish Government’s handling of the Menie Estate. The legal environmental protection was stripped away on the promise of millions of pounds and thousands of jobs flooding into Aberdeenshire. The reality is considerably different. A giant bund of earth blocks the former view to the sea of Leyton Farm Cottage’s inhabitants – it serves no purpose but to intimidate as far as I can tell.

“Local farmer Michael Forbes and his family had their water supply damaged, were threatened by police over what were civil issues, and had his access to the sea to fish cut off, with the police warning him not to attempt to take his boats and nets to the sea.

“I’ve also helped the BBC’s Panorama team with their segment on Trump, which proved his links to organised crime. The Scottish Government doesn’t care. Neither do Aberdeen Sports Village, and when I last checked, some Aberdeenshire school children were sporting Trump-sponsored shirts.

“I also had a photo credit or two in Anthony Baxter’s documentary A Dangerous Game; my photos showed huge piles of mixed rubbish on the Menie Estate.

“Aberdeen Voice has also featured a fair quantity of my satirical writings on Trump. Writing about him satirically is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel.

“This man is condemned by his own words, which show him to be a nationalist, racist, sexist piece of work. If the serious work I’ve tried to do won’t do the trick, I’ll try and make a few points using some satirical dolls.

“Hopefully people who see them will find them amusing, but also take away some of the serious points. The Scottish government gave up important principles for what proved to be the pie-in-the-sky that opponents knew it to be at the Menie Estate. But now, some Americans are actually considering electing this man as president.”

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Aberdeen 1 Hamilton 0 – Pittodrie Stadium 16.09.15

Opinion, Sport No Responses »

Sep 162015

Aberdeen survived some scares to win against quite a good Hamilton side, says Andrew Watson.

The start was a nervy one, with both sides feeling their way into the game.

Aberdeen were the first to suss their opposition out, but struggled initially.

Some smart play was hampered by too many passes being short of their target.

It was Graeme Shinnie that really kicked off things, when he instigated a second penalty in two games.

Once again, it was Adam Rooney who stepped up. If he could score that League Cup securing goal a couple seasons back, it could more or less be said he’d score this one. He did, coolly slotting it away.

1-0 after 23 minutes!

The Dons came out a completely different team in the second half, and seemed very timid. The Accies were beginning to take a foothold of the game, and there were moments they proved they definitely deserved a point from the game.

Josh Parker came on the pitch to replace Jonny Hayes 72 minutes into proceedings. A minute later, Ryan McLaughlin came off for Shaleum Logan.

McInnes made his final substitute at 82 minutes, with Peter Pawlett coming on for Kenny McLean.

Parker probably had the best chance of the game towards the end, coming more or less one on one with the keeper.

The Red Army were probably expecting him to lob the keeper, but he elected instead to control the ball and drive it low. It went wide.

Ashton Taylor was also taken off near the end. Thankfully he appeared to walk off the pitch without a limp, so hopefully the injury is minor and that he can play at Tynecastle.

It could be a tough one, away from home, so as strong a squad as possible would be ideal.

Final score: 1-0.

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