Opinion Archives - Page 33 of 136

‘And Then There Were None’ At HMT: Reviewed.

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Nov 062015

Duncan Harley reviews And Then There Were None at HMT.

This year marks the 125th anniversary of the birth of Agatha Christie, and is also the tenth anniversary of the founding of The Agatha Christie Theatre Company.
To mark both occasions, her best-selling thriller ‘And Then There Were None’ has returned to the stage for a full UK tour.

Originally published in novel form in 1939 and entitled ‘Ten Little Niggers’ after the children’s nursery rhyme of the same name, this classic whodunit ranks high amongst the best-selling crime novels of all time.

The politically incorrect word ‘Nigger’ was soon dropped and the word ‘Indians’ substituted. The rhyme ‘Ten Little Indians’ remains central to the plot.

First adapted for the stage in 1943, this current adaptation is set in August 1939 just weeks before war is declared. The island setting off the coast of Devon represents not only a prison for the players but also perhaps the national mood of the time, as conflict looms and the spectre of death from abroad beckons.

A group of complete strangers is lured to a hotel on a remote island using a variety of pretexts. On arrival they discover that the host is not present. A gramophone recording is played in which each in turn is exposed to all present as having a guilty secret worthy of extreme punishment. One by one the assembled guests begin to die horribly.

Judicial hanging is not an option, and vigilante style justice arrives by various means including poison, drowning and of course shooting. The unfortunate butler, Mr Rogers, suffers the Cluedo-like indignity of being ‘murdered with the axe in the scullery’ and Anthony Marston’s demise occurs after drinking cyanide-laden whisky. Perhaps oddly, some of the guests continue to dice with death via poisoning by raiding the drinks trolley, virtually right through to the end of the play.

There is obviously a homicidal lunatic on the loose, and the race is on to identify the likely culprit.

By the final curtain no-one is left alive on stage. Don’t expect a Reservoir Dogs style corpse-strewn set, however. Many of the murders occur offstage.

This is high art classic crime fiction performed pitch, word and even letter-perfect. Despite a fast diminishing cast, the tension and suspense build throughout the performance and on occasion the theatre audience audibly gasps at the finely delivered plot twists.

Throughout the unfolding drama, there is a fair amount of subtly accented wry humour. Indeed, one victim dies not once but twice.

There is also a modicum of romance, or is it simply carnal lust on the part of Ben Nealon’s revolver-wielding Captain Lombard towards the young but not quite so innocent Ms Claythorne?

Deborah Grant’s eccentric spinster, the fusty Emily Brent provides an engaging foil for Kezia Burrows’ feisty Vera Claythorne, in a distinctly ‘maiden aunt versus femme fatale’ sort of way.

Simon Scullion’s distinctly minimalist Art Deco set is nothing short of impressive; and costumes by Roberto Surace provide complete authenticity to this high-energy period crime drama.

All in all, this is a finely crafted, immensely entertaining and professionally delivered tribute to the Queen of Crime and is a definite must-see.

Oh and Vera’s sexy red ultra-low-backed red evening gown has to be seen to believed!

Directed by Joe Harmston and produced by Bill Kenwright – ‘And Then There Were None’ plays at HM Theatre Aberdeen until Saturday 7th November.

Tickets from Aberdeen Performing Arts Tel: 01224- 641122

Words © Duncan Harley.

Spear of Destiny Meets Krakatoa

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Nov 062015

Staring up from the depths of a fluorescent blue cocktail served in a fishbowl is a beautifully carved goldfish made of pumpkin. Skull-splitting metal of some sort is making conversation nearly impossible. A Ninja in full regalia at the door is having a pint with a goth who’s wearing fangs as neon Tiki figures shimmer on the walls in the black light. If not for Spear of Destiny playing in an hour’s time, this could have been your average night at Krakatoa.

Suzanne Kelly goes to her third SoD Moorings – sorry Krakatoa – show.

Tonight is the penultimate night of the current Spear tour; tomorrow they have to be in Whitby headlining a goth festival, as you do. Would they be pulling their punches and going through the motions tonight? Other acts have done so when hitting Aberdeen, but resting on past successes isn’t part of the ethos for Spear.

Opening Act Mark Ayling (pictured below) said:

“I had a great night, Spear of Destiny were on form and played a great set and it was nice to see a good crowd out to support live music.

“it’s the biggest crowd I’ve seen at an Aberdeen gig for a while.”

Some of the wiser, more experienced fans, or ‘Spear Family’, prudently decided to stay back from the front of the stage.

Tonight wasn’t quite as frenzied and bruise-inducing as usual, perhaps in some part due to the presence of Spear virgin Alan Gray. I was a bit concerned about him, as he happens to be a wheelchair user.

Knowing that anyone in vicinity of the dance floor at a SoD show is likely to wind up covered with bruises and marinated in beer, I mentioned to a few nearby guys to please keep an eye out for Alan.

Before I could finish speaking, they’d opened up a path for him to the front of the stage.

Only once towards the end was I worried about him, but I needn’t have been when the floor turned into the expected frenzy.

So – did Alan like his first ever Spear live show?

“I waited 30 years to see them live. It was everything I wanted it to be and a lot more.”

He left with a copy of their latest album, 31, and a huge smile on his face.

It’s been said I’m partial to this band, and indeed I am, but you’d not be able to find any fault tonight. The pacing of the set, the well-honed but fresh, energetic musical calibre – all great stuff. I’d love to give you the full set list but for the fact I was looking after others’ limbs, my own limbs, drinking a pint and trying to write in a little notebook at the same time.

At any rate they opened with World Service; most of the audience naming that tune and screaming for it before the first measure had been played. Never Take me Alive soon followed, then to Roddy Kennedy’s delight Once in Her Lifetime.

From the most recent album 31, Spear played Sputnik, Fascinations (single from the album) and The Failure.

In all these pieces you can hear subtle or large differences from the studio work; at the risk of repeating myself from previous reviews, this is why you come to live performances; to hear something new brought to the arrangements.

For many bands displaying basic musical competence outside of a studio is a stretch; for SoD playing live seems to be something they truly relish.

For others, the reason to go see a band has to be to take selfies and record the show on a mobile, so you can watch it back later, and don’t have to stop talking to your friends about who’s going to win either celebrity bake-off or the ladies’ Queen of the South v Hearts match. I pity these people.

Truly, some people are incapable of letting a 3 minute song go without speaking; tuning them out seems to be becoming an art form.

This is not to be confused with the people who for instance wouldn’t normally speak to each other at all, but when hearing Mickey (my favourite anti-war anthem) will sing every word and dance with their arms around each other’s shoulders. And that’s how it should be.

WE also had Everything Has A Price, Soldier Soldier, and close with I Liberate. Brandon said something about Edward Snowdon – or at least I think he did. The only fault was that it was over too soon.

The band genuinely seemed to have had an enjoyable evening in Aberdeen; Aberdeen loved having them.

When they got to Whitby the next night they did a stunning version of The Sisters of Mercy’s Temple of Love (on a cobweb-decorated stage no less) with Craig Adams taking lead vocals. Have a look at that here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANdYppeJVU&feature=youtu.be

But yes, it was all over in a flash; the band, the cocktail with the fish and the Ninja all disappeared. But I dare say Aberdeen will welcome Spear with open arms again next time.

Spectre: Andrew Watson Reviews

Aberdeen City, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 292015

Spy thriller Spectre is Daniel Craig’s fourth outing as James Bond. It’s not as good as the previous Skyfall, though even that wasn’t particularly remarkable. Aberdeen Voice’s Andrew Watson watched the most expensive Bond movie yet in its second day in cinemas.

There were just over a dozen people at Vue on Aberdeen’s Shiprow during the Tuesday morning showing, which was probably good given that most people were at work at that time of day.
Casting-wise the composition of its starring actors is interesting. Much time was spent placing the voice of main antagonist Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Indeed Christoph Waltz is best known by many as Jamie Foxx’s sidekick in Django Unchained.

He’s very soft spoken like Bond’s previous adversary, Skyfall’s Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem).

Anyway, the film primarily revolves around Bond and his main love interest Dr Madeleine Swann, played by Léa Seydoux. She’s the daughter of a man with serious links to a shadowy organisation called Spectre.

Basically Bond starts the film following the death wish of M (Judie Dench). Her assignment from beyond the grave lands him in some serious trouble. It turns out that new management at MI6 wants to steamroll the ‘00’ project, and 007’s transgression justifying this process.

He goes rogue anyway, and tracks down Swann’s father. Upon revealing his daughter’s location, someone to help Bond in M’s search for answers, he urges him to protect her before killing himself.

This is amidst the new setup of the British intelligence services, soon to turn global, warring with the old guard like the current M (Ralph Fiennes). The latter is, of course, in favour of the ‘00’ project.

When Bond seems certain to die, inextricable links are made between himself and Blofeld. The revelation concerning Bond’s childhood almost makes enduring some of the film’s less watchable moments worthwhile just for this alone. Of course, looking back it was Bond’s upbringing that made Skyfall intriguing.

However, barely a couple minutes of key dialogue within a film clocking almost two and a half hours is a lot to ask. Highbrow types maybe wouldn’t have the patience.

The fascinating detail revealed is seemingly the one of few things of substance revealed in the duration; the rest just cars, combat and explosions. The whole “Bond, James Bond” routine early on in the film in this particular outing is meant to be brooding and sexy, but just comes off as corny.

Yes, despite how more serious Bond has become in the Craig-era there are, thankfully you suppose, some lights moments; the third ‘c’, comedy.

Overall it’s typical of most Bond films that have preceded it: spy thriller slightly more intelligent than your average exploding action film. Shaking, but not too stirring.

Who You Gonna Call For Spooky Halloween Retreat?

Aberdeen City, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 292015

With thanks to Eoin Smith, Senior Account Executive, Tricker PR.

Calling all wannabe Ghostbusters: are you brave enough to spend Halloween in a haunted hotel?
Guests at The Caledonian Hotel in Aberdeen are amongst the bravest of the brave, as the building is thought to be the home of a ghostly presence that walks the corridors.

Legend has it that the ghost of Mary Littlejohn, a much-revered restaurant manager from the hotel’s dim and distant past, has been spotted in the hallways of the hotel, which opened on Union Terrace Gardens in the Granite City in 1892.

Hotel staff are more than willing to share their stories of ghostly goings on – and can even point guests intrigued by the paranormal to the spots where they are most likely to encounter some paranormal activity.

Babs Dawson, a member of the housekeeping staff for over 19 years, is the hotel’s unofficial ghost expert.

She says,

“I am one of the longest serving members of staff at The Caledonian, and as long as I have been here there have been whispers of a ghost.

“Everyone who works in the basement office has experienced a supernatural presence. When people are working alone down there, they often hear footsteps in the corridor but when they go to check who it is… no-one is ever there.

“Some members of staff have also mentioned that there is a cool spot on the right hand side of the fourth floor corridor – we think this might have been where Mary lived while working in the hotel.

“The hotel has been open for over 100 years, and I really do believe that there could be an otherworldly presence here. I think even after all these years, Mary is still checking in on us to make sure the hotel is running smoothly!

“Some guests are intrigued and actually want to see the spirit, but I can assure those who have no desire to come face to face with her that she has never been mischievous. She seems to want to ensure our guests have a restful and relaxing stay, just like the rest of us.”

The Caledonian isn’t the only haunted location in Aberdeen city centre, and there are dozens of other spectres that will delight – and terrify – fans of TV shows like Most Haunted.

His Majesty’s Theatre – just a few hundred yards from the hotel – is said to be haunted by not one but two spooks. The most famous is Jake, the spirit of a stagehand who died in a tragic rigging accident during a circus performance at the time of World War II.

Many actors and crew have reported unusual goings-on during performances, with disembodied footsteps heard backstage and props and tools mysteriously vanishing without a trace. There are also rumours of a Grey Lady, who has been spotted gliding through the foyer.

There are other paranormal hotspots close to the hotel too. Halloween ghost hunters might spot the ghost of Friar Charles Gordon – affectionately known as Priest Gordon – near the Castlegate. After 50 years’ service at St Peter’s Chapel, Gordon died in 1855 and was so loved by the city that the citizens lined the streets for his funeral.

They might also catch a glimpse of the ghoulish monks that haunt the historic Green marketplace, or the pale apparition of a dark haired woman dressed in white that hovers in St Nicholas Kirkyard.

And The Caledonian Hotel is not the only member of The Hotel Collection in Aberdeen to house a ghostly presence. Anne McIntosh, duty manager at The Aberdeen Skyway Hotel, has come face to face with one spectre in the dead of night.

Anne says,

“When you’re working the nightshift, you often feel like there’s a presence there with you – but I think that’s part and parcel of working alone at night. There was one time, though, about five years ago that I saw something I really can’t explain.

“I was working on my own at the reception. I left for a second to look at the security monitors and noticed that there was a woman sitting on a seat next to the reception. I went through to speak to her, but she had disappeared. When I went back through to look at the monitors again, she was still sitting there.

“As far as I know, no-one before or since has seen the ghost – but it was pretty terrifying at the time!”

For those looking to jump into their Mystery Machine and head to Aberdeen for a spooky break, rooms at The Caledonian Hotel are available on Halloween from £67.15 per room (based on double occupancy, bed & breakfast). Rooms at The Aberdeen Skyway Hotel are available from £58.65 (based on double occupancy, bed & breakfast).

The Caledonian Hotel and The Aberdeen Skyway Hotel are part of The Hotel Collection, which has one other venue in the city – The Aberdeen Altens Hotel. There are 446 bedrooms across the three venues, and each has conferencing and banqueting facilities. The Aberdeen Altens Hotel also has a health and leisure club. Further information is available at www.thehotelcollection.co.uk/aberdeen

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Rebecca At HMT: Duncan Harley Reviews

Aberdeen City, Articles, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 292015

Emma Rice has taken the Daphne Du Maurier 1938 bestseller out of the box, shaken it about a bit and injected a good measure of humour. Does it work? Duncan Harley reviews Rebecca at HM Theatre, Aberdeen.

Lizzie Winkler as Bea and Andy Williams as Giles in REBECCA photo by Steve Tanner.

Billed as a study in jealousy, and described by Du Maurier as “a sinister … psychological and rather macabre … tale about a woman who marries a widower”, the story is indeed a dark one.

Following the mysterious death of Rebecca, his first wife, Maxim de Winter returns to his Manderley estate in Cornwall with a new bride, Mrs de Winter.

From the outset, all is not as it seems and the new mistress of the house sets out to uncover the secrets of the past.

Along the way she must stand up to the sinister housekeeper Mrs Danvers, assert her new-found authority and finally enable her new husband to come to terms with the unburied memories which desperately haunt him.

Says Rice:

“Rebecca challenges us from the grave with her lack of care for society’s rules … I celebrate all of the wonderful female characters … from the passionate and loyal Mrs Danvers to the new Mrs de Winter, who wakes from her fairy tale slumber in front of our very eyes.”

Gender roles are to the fore in this adaptation. Men are men, and get up to man-like things such as drinking and womanising. Women are women and get up to dressing up and organising things. The exception to the rule is the unseen but omnipresent and very dead Rebecca de Winter, a manipulative sexual predator, incapable of love and intent only on satisfying her own pleasure.

Traditionally Rebecca is a morbidly dark tale but Emma Rice has lightened the story line somewhat. Sea shanties, performed by a sou’wester clad troop of jolly Cornish sailor men, lighten up the darkly intense mood and a Warhorse style puppet-dog sticks his nose into groins everywhere. There are episodes of knockabout and slapstick and at one point Jack – Rebecca’s cousin and ex-lover – attempts the great double-flickaroo’ cigarette trick.

Perhaps the most unlikely comedy turn comes via Katy Owen. Alongside playing the anguished harbour-side waif Ben, she plays Robert – the young Welsh house-boy. In a series of rollickingly hilarious skits Katy literally has the theatre audience in stitches.

Imogen Sage as Mrs de Winter, and Emily Raymond as the creepy Mrs Danvers, excel and LeslieTravers’ stage set is a triumph. Doubling both as decaying stately home and stormy quayside, the set appropriately suggests a place where nothing is as it seems. Rebecca’s wrecked boat becomes the wine cellar; the parlour effortlessly morphs into a boathouse and later a storm-swept harbour mouth.

If criticism were due, it would be on the grounds of a slightly hurried second half. The plot involves a lot of soul-searching and problem-solving, and at times the action moves perceptibly too fast for those unfamiliar with the storyline to follow. The notion of a Judge Jeffries style coastguard, played by Andy Williams, was also hard to swallow. But in them far off days in Cornwall, perhaps the local Coastguard did indeed double as hangman.

All in all though, the production works wonderfully well and the entire cast gave a polished and thoroughly professional performance.

After the final curtain call and as we all made our way down to the exits, a fellow theatre-goer was heard to remark:

“I wonder what Daphne would have made of it all?”

Her companion whispered:

“I think she would have approved wholeheartedly.”

Adapted and Directed by Emma Rice – Rebecca plays at HM Theatre Aberdeen until Saturday 31st October

Tickets from Aberdeen Performing Arts Tel: 01224- 641122

Words © Duncan Harley, Images © Steve Tanner

Aberdeen 1 Motherwell 1 – Pittodrie Stadium 24.10.15

Opinion, Sport No Responses »

Oct 252015

Aberdeen couldn’t capitalise on the luck they had going ahead in this game, and ended up with only one point, remarks Voice reporter Andrew Watson.

In the build-up to the game it looked like miserable weather for a potentially miserable spectacle.
Fortunately the conditions warmed and cleared up slightly.
Aberdeen almost threatened early on, with winger Jonny Hayes delivering an inviting cross into the box, but beaten by a good diving defensive header.

Conversely, it took a sliding Shaleum Logan to deny Motherwell a good chance on goal.

There was a good cross put out for a corner for the Reds, though Motherwell cleared for an unsuccessful counter attack.

Some lax defensive work almost saw Adam Rooney snap up the ball just outside the Motherwell box, but keeper Connor Ripley recovered the fumbled ball and picked it up.

Down the other end, Aberdeen’s man between the sticks, Danny Ward, then made an excellent diving effort as a shot just went wide.

Dogged defending by the Steelmen denied Peter Pawlett as he launched a powerful run into their box.

There was also some good linkup play from the Dons, but Logan’s cross into the final third fell short.

Motherwell came agonisingly close afterwards, beating an outstretched Ward but still going just wide.

The aforementioned Logan was unfortunate not to get a free kick for high feet. Credit to him, though, no complaints.

The Fir Park men broke free, but the ball was put out.

Hayes threatened, doing well to beat his man. However, he seemingly opted for an impossible shot at an impossible angle, instead of simply making the pass with a cutback.

Again Hayes was involved in the next run of play, with some good linking with Niall McGinn. The latter making an incisive pass to the former, only for the former to overcook his finish. Easily best chance of the game so far.

Switching halves, Ward almost undid his good work leaping for a high ball by dropping his save. Thankfully picked it up in time, though.

The stalemate was then broken, with Logan winning a free kick due to a poor challenge. Rooney headed down a ball that then deceived the keeper with a wicked bounce that went in for a goal.

1-0 Aberdeen after 43 minutes!

Captain Ryan Jack then had an impressive half volley effort go above the crossbar by not too great a height. Not much happened between that and half time.

Opening the second half was a Motherwell attack, though this was only a tame headed effort saved comfortably by Ward.

Pawlett then comfortably shrugged off ‘Well’s captain Keith Lasley but the Dons were then dispossessed. The latter was then taken off.

Aberdeen came close, just over the bar. Motherwell came close, just chalked for offside.

The Reds then got painfully close with good play between Rooney and Hayes, the former playing provider instead of taker. Hayes had it bobbling just past the post. Agonising.

The ball did eventually cross the line, but Mark Reynolds’ effort was deemed offside.

Motherwell’s Scott McDonald then came on the pitch. This was to prove decisive towards the game’s conclusion. Until then, the Red Army marvelled at Pawlett’s spectacular overhead effort that just went over the bar.

It became apparent that Ashton Taylor was struggling with some form of back pain, but was soldiering on. However, Paul Quinn came on for Taylor come the 70 minute mark.

Pesky Pawlett then got almost clear on goal, his low driving effort just wide.

Three minutes after that substitution, Motherwell hit back. McDonald dived to head past Ward. He turned to the Main Stand, goading the Aberdeen support.

1-1.

Not long after this Aberdeen had a good effort almost take a fortuitous deflection, but the errant ball was caught by Ripley.

After 80 minutes Pawlett came off for David Goodwillie.

Hayes drove into the box but the angle was too tight to beat Ripley.

The only joy post-Rooney-goal for the Dons support was when Graeme Shinnie put McDonald on his backside with a gamely shoulder barge. They erupted with derision.

Ripley reared again with an amazing fingertip save, catlike reflexes. His opposite number, Ward, pulled off similar heroics, too.

Near the death McGinn was substituted for youngster Ryan McLauglin.

Ward then made another decisive stop, earning his side a point. It’s all they deserved.

With the last chance of the game Hayes almost turned things around, though nobody tagged onto his searching pass.

Final score: 1-1.

Lampie Date For Philip Clouts’ Quartet: 29.10.15

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 222015

With thanks to Rob Adams.

Pianist Philip Clouts’ quartet plays the Blue Lamp in Gallowgate on Thursday, October 29 as part of a UK tour to mark the release of a new album, Umoya, one of the first releases on the new jazz imprint of American classical label Odradek.

It’s an album that confirms the Cape Town-born Clouts’ ongoing love affair with South African music as well as encompassing rhythms and melodies from around the world.

“Jazz and world music have been important to me throughout my musical life,” says Clouts, who grew up in London.

“I’m inspired by both the freedom of jazz and the rootedness of world music with its sense of dance, community and spirituality. Listening to both genres always suggests a variety of rhythmical, harmonic and melodic approaches.”

Although he came over to the UK from Cape Town with his family as a young child in the early 1960s, Clouts grew up hearing the music of his homeland thanks to his parents having brought their favourite records with them.

After his two older brothers began taking piano lessons, he impressed the family by picking up what his siblings were playing by ear. His own piano lessons didn’t go so well initially but hearing the great British pianist Stan Tracey on a television programme when he was twelve attracted him to jazz and made him take the instrument more seriously.

He later formed the band Zubop and toured all over the UK, playing jazz with a definite South African flavour, before he moved to his current home in Dorset where he put together a quartet that continues the African connection and embraces his other musical influences. Sufi music, Nigerian dance rhythms and folk music from Romania and Southern Italy, as well as gospel music, all figure in his latest compositions.

His quartet currently features saxophonist Samuel Eagles, bass guitarist Alex Keen and the Yamaha Jazz Scholarship-winning drummer Dave Ingamells, all players who have, says Clouts, taken to the multi-cultural mix of his music with real enthusiasm.

“Umoya is the Zulu word for ‘life force’. It can also be translated as ‘soul’ and ‘spirit’ and I’m really pleased with the way Sam, Alex and Dave bring out these aspects out of the music,” says Clouts.

“We played at the Lemon Tree in Aberdeen about a year ago, with a slightly different line-up, and we’ve heard a lot about the Blue Lamp being the best jazz venue in Scotland. So we’re really looking forward to being back up there.”

Old Susannah No. 184: Organised Crime Special

Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 192015

Is the country in the grip of an organised crime onslaught? Old Susannah thinks so, and offers two bonus definitions, one courtesy of Aberdeen City Council. By Suzanne Kelly

Tally ho, and apologies for the late running of this service. There’s been so much going on in the Deen that I haven’t had time to put finger to keyboard until now.

BrewDog Bar had its 5th birthday – hard to believe it’s been that long. Beer and brownies were served (in moderation).

I’m doing a speech there this Thursday when they launch a show of Bibo Keeley’s artwork. This feminist artwork was just too much for the Aberdeen College up the road, as per this Aberdeen Voice article. If you’re free, drop in before 7:30pm.

The controlled explosion on Aberdeen’s Fun Beach this week seemed to have caught press attention. If the local journalists like this kind of thing, they need only come to Torry close to Bonfire Night.

By close to the night, I mean 6 months before to 6 months after. In fact, someone’s exploding something just off Victoria Road right now. I guess it just goes to show that our safety people really are on the ball. If they’re not banning pets and plastic chairs from events, making people queue for hours to get into an event, or putting people barriers across roads, they’re blowing things up. Great stuff.

The Harbour Board still insists that it wants only to take complete control of Nigg Bay so we can have cruise ships coming in.

These cruise ships full of rich tourists must be the same hordes of rich tourists which failed to materialise at the Trump golf course. The place is nothing like capacity, and losses are expected to be around £2,000,000 this past year. But the cruise ships; I can see it now – ships pull in full of wealthy tourist, their bulging wallets clutched in their hands as they make their way through the barbed wire keeping us Torry loons and quines away from their ships, down Victoria Road.

The millionaires will stop for a quick sandwich in SPAR or to place a bet before making their way to Union Square Mall, the Rodeo Drive of the North East. Spending their money, enriching the multinational shops’ coffers, they’ll saunter back down Victoria Road, through the dirt, dog dirt, overfilling dumpsters, and wave fondly as their ship pulls out. It’s almost too good to be true.

But at this rate there won’t be any room for definitions, so I’ll get on with it. Sadly, we have a crime problem, and unfortunately, organised crime exists. People team up to rob the unwary or the vulnerable, to steal, to trick, to exploit for profit. Here are some of the schemes they use.

Numbers Racket/Numbers Game: (Modern English Slang compound noun).

Definition 1 – to use statistics / numbers deliberately slanted with the intent of deception to win an argument.

Old Susannah includes this definition just for completeness, there aren’t any examples of this kind I can find in our area. I tried to think of examples the other day as I sadly walked through Union Terrace Gardens, lamenting the £18,000,000 the Granite Web could have made every year as 6,000 permanent jobs were created, and tourists (possibly from the cruise ships coming to Torry) flocked to see the granite ramps.

I was still trying to think of any examples of a numbers racket when I found myself at the Trump International Golf Links Scotland last week. I struggled to fight my way through the hordes of millionaire golfers queuing up for a £200 round of golf as the permanent Scottish staff struggled to accommodate. Should I think of any examples of this definition of a numbers game, I’ll let you know.

Definition 2 – (North American in origin) A lottery based on unpredictable numbers in the results of races, sports games, lotteries, etc.

I’m sure you’re as excited as I am about the new form of the National Lottery. It was great when they doubled the ticket price, but now that they’ve added an extra ten numbers, that means you have more choice! Result!

You can now choose even more numbers than before. Of course, your odds of winning are apparently as good as the chances of Donald Trump admitting that he’s got the world’s worst syrup on his head, or of a certain local billionaire paying the tax he actually morally owes. You have more chance of being hit by lightning than of winning a Lotto jackpot now. But it’s a nice little earner. For Camelot. And the government.

Some unkind folks call Lotto a tax on the poor. That’s nonsense. Besides, we’ve already got lots of taxes on the poor. There’s bedroom tax, fines for the homeless in some parts of the country, and a whole swathe of recent benefit cuts. Lotto’s really just a wee bit of psychological temptation for the poor. When I see people who barely have any money spending it on scratch cards, I’m as sure as they are that that one big win would make everything fine – if one or two people start gambling more than they should, it’s hardly the State’s fault, is it?

Protection Racket: (Modern English Slang compound noun) Practice of paying money in exchange for either not being directly attacked, or for getting assistance when it is needed. Often the person or organisation collecting the protection money will not come through when they are supposed to.

A modern version works like this. Jack works a 9-5 job and takes home £300 a week. The State says Jack has to pay for a scheme, called National Insurance. This is in case Jack ever gets sick, or needs help, or if he wants to keep eating when he is old. National Insurance is not classed as a tax by the way, so the racketeers can pretend they are not raising taxes if they raise National Insurance.

Jack gets sick. If and when he’s lucky, and if he lives in the right post code, he’ll get a great deal of medical help from dedicated professionals. If he’s in the wrong postcode at the wrong time, it will be a different story.

But things are changing. A number of American mobs are moving in on the UK protection racket, and want to get even more money out of us, by taking over the operations – literally. There are think tanks* coming up with papers and reports proving that we need to privatise the National Health Service which should be funded by our protection money – I mean National Insurance. They know they can bleed Jack for just that little bit more money.

Sometimes it doesn’t go well. Jill was taken ill – but she was overweight/smoked/drank too much/ took an ecstasy pill. There are some doctors out there who have let quite a growing number of Jills simply die.

Basically, you pays your money and you takes your chance. This is why many Jacks and Jills are now paying a further protection racket to try to get better odds of fast treatment (or just treatment at all). This link gives you a nostalgic look at how things have slightly shifted: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/10078062/why-do-we-pay-national-insurance

It’s not just a bad idea to get ill, it is a very, very bad idea to get old….

Pyramid Selling Scheme: (Modern English Slang compound noun) A financial fraud in which those who get in at the beginning are guaranteed benefit, but those who come in late – at the bottom of the pyramid – wind up losing out.

This National Insurance thing. It started out as a great idea, and it still is a great idea. Alas! The mob running it at present has turned the tables. They’d rather spend our tax and protection money ‘tooling up’ for when they have to go to war with the Middle East Mob, or wherever their gang warfare takes them next. Our money is not going on hospitals and pensions and protection so much as it is going on weapons. Lots of them. Billions of pounds worth. But that’s what the crime bosses want.

Anyway – you make the mistake of getting older. You’ve been paying into the pyramid scheme via your taxes and NI for decades. Not so fast: the bosses have moved the goal posts. You’re going to have to work a few more years. And as you get closer to that deadline, they posts move again.

The thing is – if the crime bosses keep buying all the lethal weapons and rockets they want with your money, and if people keep not dying but getting older – there’s not going to be enough money for your retirement. So they’re cutting back on what you were promised, little by little.

Decent place to live? Well, if you need a retirement home, they’ll take most of your money off of you before you can get into some kind of human (inhuman) warehouse. The people who are supposed to take care of you there are likely to be overworked, undertrained, and in some cases brutal. Your protection money is not likely to save you from the degradation, abuse or chemical coshing you are more than likely to receive.

So, we all keep paying in, we all keep trying to save. The goons that take our money and which will take those savings tell us they’ve got to rescue the banks or we’ll be in financial trouble. They say we need billions of pounds’ worth of weaponry to be safe. They say they need huge pay rises, incentive bonuses, and fat pensions.

Remember though, we are all in this together.

Next Week – probably a column of some sort from my prison cell.

Result! Bonus Definitions!

* Think Tank: (Modern English compound noun)– quick definition – a group undertaking research, often funded by those who want the think tank to reach a particular conclusion.

There are more think tanks about the NHS’s future than I can possibly list. Funny – most of these think tanks that are paid for by US healthcare companies are of the opinion the NHS should be privatised and run by, er – US healthcare companies.

Wank Tank: (Modern Aberdeen City Council compound noun)

My picture shows a document Aberdeen City Council’s Housing Department sent out a form to a resident, which reads: ‘Pipes overflowing from the wank tank, water pouring out from the loft overflow.’

Old Susannah is debating whether or not to ask Peter Leonard, head of this department, for help with a definition. If any readers can help, please do let me know.

At least it’s apparently only water coming out from the loft overflow.

Pictures not required in this instance, thank you; tanks but no tanks.

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UK Must Devolve Universal Credit Says Whiteford

Aberdeenshire, Opinion No Responses »

Oct 082015

With thanks to Kenny Hutchison, Parliamentary Assistant to Dr. Eilidh Whiteford MP.

SNP MP Dr Eilidh Whiteford has written to Scottish Secretary David Mundell seeking confirmation that the UK Government will amend the Scotland Bill to devolve complete control over Universal Credit – after he promised the power to top up tax credits would be given to the Scottish Parliament through the Scotland Bill.

Mr Mundell said on Good Morning Scotland yesterday that the Scottish Parliament would have the ability to “adjust tax credits” or “top-up tax credits”.

As working tax credits and child tax credits are now part of Universal Credit, which is already being rolled out across the country, the only way the Scottish Parliament would be able to do this fairly and simply, and without having to ask the permission of the DWP, would be through complete control of Universal Credit.

Commenting, Dr Eilidh Whiteford MP, the SNP’s Social Justice spokesperson said:

“The Scotland Bill in its current form limits the ability of the Scottish Government to use the additional powers it proposes and retains vetoes for UK Government ministers. Scotland needs more powers over social security to tackle poverty, inequality and help those who need support the most.

“350,000 children in Scotland will be badly hit by the tax credit changes coming into force, and we want the power in Scotland to pull children and families out of poverty.

“This can only be done if we have full control over Universal Credit.

“Mr Mundell voted against the removal of the Secretary of State veto on changes to the Universal Credit, voted against powers to create new benefits, and voted against the devolution of Housing Benefit which is an element of Universal Credit – but now he says that Scotland should have the power to adjust tax credits.

“Overwhelmingly, civic Scotland has said that social security powers should be in the hands of Scotland to allow us to protect children and low income families. The Secretary of State now needs to put up or shut up and show us the amendments they are planning.”

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Aberdeen 1 St Johnstone 5 – Pittodrie Stadium 03.10.15

Opinion, Sport No Responses »

Oct 042015

When Aberdeen clawed one back it looked to be an exciting game ahead, but they went on to lose heavily to St Johnstone, reports Voice reporter Andrew Watson.

It was notable that ex-Don Joe Shaughnessy didn’t receive a frosty reception when his name was called out for the starting eleven. Maybe he enjoyed a level of anonymity only finally unveiled when he scored that second goal, mind.

The first came only after five minutes. To be fair, it was a good diving effort by keeper Danny Ward.

He dived full body, the goal seemingly passing between his two outstretched hands.

0-1 (Brian Easton).

The aforementioned shocker delivered by ex-Red Shaughnessy came only five minutes later. It was from close range and unceremonious, amidst a busy penalty box.

0-2.

Thankfully Aberdeen quickly got one back, and all didn’t seem so lost anymore. Saints’ keeper fumbled the ball for a corner. Big man Ashton Taylor leapt for a powerful header 12 minutes in.

1-2.

After this both teams came close to scoring, and just over fifteen minutes later the Perth men capitalised on yet another chance.

1-3 (Liam Craig) after 30 minutes.

It’s around about this time that the game began to get a little bit bad tempered.

Aberdeen captain Ryan Jack was seen in a spat with a couple of Saints’ players, who were doggedly setting about play when the ball had already gone out for a throw in. Then there was a free kick.

The Pittodrie side just couldn’t cut it. The opposition, if defending in their box, were the first to every ball; out of any danger.

There’d been a lot of action, so this necessitated an extra minute’s play at the end of the first half.

During the interval it was telling the Red Army were in no singing mood, and the expected response of Peter Pawlett Baby to Human League’s Don’t You Want Me Baby never came. Instead, they were immersed in the walking football half time entertainment.

They also had little truck for Danny Cool, adapted from Boney M’s Daddy Cool. Apparently this is a tribute to the cool head of Danny Ward. Maybe lack of reciprocation was to do with the fact he was having a stinker.

And it was to get worse, too.

The Dons defence had barely kicked off for the second half when ex-Dandy Steven MacLean was allowed to sneak a weak header which only just bobbed over the line.

1-4 two minutes into the second half.

Aberdeen made their first change 49 minutes into the game, with Pawlett replaced by David Goodwillie.

Probably the most satisfaction the Pittodrie faithful had was when the McDiarmid Park men blootered the ball for a rugby conversion.

That was short lived when MacLean nicked his second of the game. The crowd had already given up a goal prior, but this was now desolation.

1-5 after 51 minutes.

The away support were in raptures, even cheering every successive pass their team made.

To rub salt into the wounds Aberdeen then missed a sitter.

Aberdeen made their final change 67 minutes into the game, with Barry Robson replacing Kenny McLean; and Jonny Hayes replaced by Scott Wright.

These changes made little difference and Aberdeen would’ve had the fans going absolutely ballistic at them for their lack of urgency, had one of the Saints’ not had to be taken off.

There were further derisive cheers from the home crowd when St Johnstone’s Simon Lappin was booked.

Goal number six almost arrived when Ward spilled the ball, but he was saved embarrassment.

It was actually surprising the lack of response there was when ex-Aberdeen MacLean came off to be substituted. Perhaps they were now beyond caring. Aberdeen had one last close chance, and that was it. Finished.

The only other incidents of note were Graeme Shinnie gesturing to the linesman about a perceived infringement, and a very frustrated Robson booting the ball off the roof of the Main Stand at the final whistle.

Final score: 1-5.

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