(Noo the Richt Gits University)
by Bob Smith.
The Donald his been awarded
A University honorary degree
His the principal gin aff his heid
At yon learned placie by the Dee?
Old Susannah gets to grips with those difficult to understand terms.
By Bob Smith.
It’s sad ti see fit’s goin’ on
In North-east pairts jist noo
Fowk are being threatened by
A mannie fa’s a business guru
The Trump lot an their supporters
Some wid see as a bunch o cyaards
As they try their best ti oust fowk
Oot their hames an ain backyards
There are a fair fyow greedy fowk
Fa are teen in by aa his spiel
Thank heavens there are ither eens
Fa see his ideals as bliddy feel
He tries ti stap doon oor throats
We’ll aa benefit throwe his ideas
He’d dee weel ti hae a thocht
Ti see oorsels as ithers see us
Lauded by the cooncil lot
As a man o great foresicht
Praised by oor local press
As the only mannie fa’s richt
A danger ti aa democracy
This bliddy chiel dis pose
He wid hae us aa believe
That fit he says aye goes
Bit Menie fowk are bein’ thrawn
The mannie’s nae affa pleased
Fowk’ll nae be forced ti sell
Or brocht doon on ti their knees
Mr Trump yer nae mair Scottish
Than Donald Duck or Mickey Moose
Yer mither left afore ye war born
Fae her bonnie island hoose
Fir aa yer bluff an bluster
An the millions ye possess
We’ll nae see ye bully fowk
An fae their land wid dispossess
So Trumpy min awa hame ye ging
Wi aa yer forelock touchin band
Jist leave aa us gweed Scots fowk
Ti enjoy oor dunes an sand
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010
Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah opens her heart and her dictionary to define more familiar but tricky terms.
Look around you: look at your streets, your social services, your schools, your leisure facilities, hospitals and your libraries (if any). Continuous Improvement is all around us.
The state of our services is not an accident, you know. The Continuous Improvements we can see are the work of a Continuous Improvement Committee, which makes Continuous Improvement Reports, and publishes Continuous Improvement Audits.
The April 2009 CI Audit (available from Aberdeen City Council’s website at a mere 50 pages) gives a useful overview of the many areas in which our local administration continues to improve services for us in a simple, easy-to-understand, economical fashion. Old Susannah is particularly impressed by the Corporate Communications section, which claims that £14K was saved by creating a summer brochure (although the cost of not creating a summer brochure was not immediately evident). This particular document also delves into types of telephone communication areas, including ‘Homecheck’ and ‘Telephone calls for Trees’. ‘Telephone Calls for Trees’, one imagines, must be something to do with trunk calls. But personally, I am stumped. The ‘Trees’ section promises careful monitoring, ‘allied integration’ , training materials and implementation plans. Time and money would be saved by getting rid of trees (cutting out the dead wood, as it were), and getting in a few more parking spaces and shopping malls. Happily, this is being considered. Or so I heard on the grapevine.
Surely making staff double-up by being responsible for Transformation as well as Change represents good value for money
Taxpayers will be further reassured to know that the Community Plan and the Vibrant Dynamic & Forward Looking statement* are monitored through something called a performance reporting framework. How very far we have come from the days when a phone call was placed, a request or complaint made, and was acted upon.
How greatly improved are things from the time when, for instance, a school board had a budget, decided what it needed for its improvements, and just got on with it.
The above clearly explain Continuous Improvement, but doubtless the Continuous Improvement Committee will be only too happy to clarify any unfamiliar phrases which might appear in its reports.
Change Manager.
A letter was published some months back in something called the ‘Press & Journal’, asking what exactly a Change Manager was needed for in Aberdeen. Old Susannah will be happy to try and answer that question, as no one from the Council seems to have had the chance as yet.
The cynical among us might suggest mankind has been coping with change since it first found fire. But, in these modern times, a Change Manager is needed to steer a course through the dangerous waters of change and to reinvent management posts with new trendy names and create management jobs where there was no previous need (after all, job creation is always good). Continuous Improvement means Change of course, and these two important areas of management go hand in hand. Thankfully, Aberdeen City’s Change personnel are well versed in managing change, some of them having suddenly changed from one highly paid government post to another (one such person reportedly left a Shire post abruptly with a five-figure payout and would end up in the City’s Change section. Now that’s what I call good change management).
Areas of job classification falling under Change include ‘Transformation AND Change’ and Modernisation AND Innovation’ Surely making staff double-up by being responsible for Transformation as well as Change represents good value for money.
In the sad days to come, no doubt our Change Manager will help all of us cope with the departure of Sue Bruce from our City, a change which we must try to manage…or does Ms Bruce’s departure fall under the heading of Continuous Improvement ?
*to be defined in a future Dictionary Corner.
Natures Fecht For Union Terrace Gairdens – A Poem By Bob Smith
The craws war chattin ti the doos
Hiv ye heard the affa news
They’re destroyin oor gairdens at Union Terrace
Thae humans are a bliddy menace
The doos said are ye sure yer richt
We ken you craws are nae that bricht
Oh aye we heard it fae a wise aul owl
Fa wis doon the Toon’s Hoose for a prowl
Noo Jenny Wren wis hoppin aroond
Fin she heard the doos kickin up a soond
She flew up high ti see fit’s fit
Fit she heard she didna like ae bit
Oh michty me an gweedness gracious
Fillin in oor gairdens fit are richt precious
The trees and shrubbies far a hop aboot
Wull aa be for the chap nae doot
The tale wis telt ti the snails
They lit oot some affa wails
Iss surely it jist canna be
Destroy the gairdens an we’ll aa dee
Syne the news it reached the bugs
They hid heard it fae the slugs
The Toon’s Hoose wull be oor destination
There ti hae a wee bit infestation
We’ll crawl aa ower the Provost’s chair
An get in yon John Stewart’s hair
The mannie’ll hae ti hae a scratch
Serves him richt the silly vratch
The moles they noo heard the chatter
An said we’ll hae a wee bit natter
We can undermine St Nicholas Hoose
So’s the foondations are a bittie loose
Noo the robins war maist pit oot
As roon an roon they did scoot
Iss is news jist affa silly
As they passed it on ti a blue tit billie
The Blue Tits they warna overjoyed
In fact they were fair annoyed
We’ll hae ti flit ti Westburn Park
An that’ll nae be much o a lark
Syne a butterfly it flitted bye
On hearin aa the spik did cry
Fit aboot the bonnie flooers
Far a spent sic happy oors
The squirrels they cam oot o hidin
Fae holes in trees far they wis bidin
They canna chap doon oor hame
Fa thocht up iss silly game
The bees noo they war bummin
Wi frustration they wis hummin
We’ll hiv ti sting aa the bums
O Sir Ian Widd an his chums
The flooers, shrubs an the trees
War duncin wi anger in the breeze
Iss his been oor hame for yonks
Aa ti be trashed by stupid gonks
The aul aul trees hid some inspiration
We’re covered by an order o preservation
Jist aabody bide in oor leafy green tops
Agin the diggers we’ll pull oot aa the stops
Leave us aa aleen is nature’s plea
Nae hairm ti humanity did we ivver dee
Ye humans are jist bliddy feel
As oor gairdens ye try ti steal
Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010
Day Trip – A Poem by Gerard Rochford
I think I’ll go to Banchory today:
check out the chanterelle, startle the deer,
admire the heathered slopes, see Bennachie.
A girl walks to a river in Eritrea,
gracefully, her vessel upon her head.
She steps on a mine and stares in disbelief
at her shattered legs. Now she lies dead
in a mess of shards and blood.
In Darfur some soldiers are raping a woman,
they leave her with wounds, a baby and HIV.
A Nigerian girl is stoned to death for love,
her villagers starve as rich men steal their oil.
Mugabe rants about struggles long since won,
democracy threatens Iraq at the point of a gun.
A suicide bomber kills himself in error,
the president kills to plan.
Britney enters re-hab once again.
The poppies flourish in Afghanistan.
Deeside is awash with the redness of autumn.
© Gerard Rochford.
Shock waves reverberated around the globe this week as it was announced that Banff and Buchan had become the world’s latest nuclear power.
Grampian TV revealed that the region had concluded a trade deal with the ex-Soviet republic of Kazakhstan with the region’s huge surplus tattie mountain being exchanged for a dozen SS-20s. The missiles and their targeting equipment were delivered by a fleet of trawlers to Fraserburgh on Saturday morning and are fitting out at present. Whilst most are in the process of being installed in missile silos in Rosehearty and Whitehills it is rumoured that several are to be deployed on deep sea trawlers in a similar fashion to the Trident system presently employed by the UK government.
Defence Councillor for the region, Bob ‘Hermann’ Kahn, previously Councillor for Sanitation and Waste Disposal, confirmed the council’s stated policy on first use of its nuclear arsenal, “We will definitely not be advocating a first strike ag’inst onybody iv a’. Nae even ag’inst toonsers or yon orra tinks fae West Aiberdeenshire an’ Kincardine – well, nae unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
On being questioned as to whether or not the region’s actions were in contravention of last year’s Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, Mr Kahn said that prepared statements delineating the council’s position had been sent to Washington, Beijing, Moscow and Woodhill House and if anybody wanted to argue the toss they were welcome to send him or the council an e-mail – preferably with their home address and GPS grid reference for their house attached.
The council has also issued a public statement on Northsound outlining the stages for the launching of its nuclear weapons, ranging from the relatively peaceful ‘Defcon 1’ up to the immediate pre-launch condition red ‘Defcon 5’.
Defcon 1 Aye, aye min, fit like?
Defcon 2 I hinna seen you aroon here afore.
Defcon 3 You’re nae fae roon here, are ye?
Defcon 4 Hemmin, fa are you lookin’ at, eh?
Defcon 5 Right, toonser – ootside. Noo!
Although the majority of governments have expressed their concern at Banff and Buchan’s nuclear sabre-rattling, the US, Russian and Chinese governments said they were unable to formulate a response until the following phrases from the region’s message had been clarified:
1. Who or what is an ‘ill trickit vratch?’and why should this object’s actions ‘gie fowk a fleg’?
2. What form of locomotion is ‘knyppin’?
3. Does the expression ‘Fit’s a dee?’ have any connection with the river in the North East of Scotland?
4. As the nuclear warheads in the SS-20 are MIRVed (ie with multiple warheads) how many warheads is ‘a pucklie’? We also notice in your communication that you refer to firing off ‘a puckle warheids into Ibrox and Parkheid in Weegieland for a lauch’. We require to know if ‘a puckle’ is the same as ‘a pucklie’ and where Weegieland is, as we cannot find it on any of our maps. In addition, is ‘a lauch’ a misprint of ‘a launch’?
I’ve got lots of money and want to build a car park, so f*ck off – A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mammoth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.
Union Terrace Gardens is eyesore ugly 
Out of keeping with the rest of Union Street
An island of green in a sea of grey
It would look better as an underground car park
Cost you 90 million to pay and display
Turn Aberdeen into a top destination
Sir Ian Wood say, but I would nae
But
Sir Ian’s got more money, than a bunch of skagheads
Sir Ian’s got more money, than the trees or grass
Sir Ian’s got more money, than a bunch of joggers
Sir Ian’s got more money, than Peacock Arts
Sir Ian would leave a legacy
Where you won’t see the trees for the wood.
Sir Ian would leave a legacy
Turn our parks into car parks
Turn our parks into car parks
Sir Ian Would
But I’d rather he didn’t.
Introducing the poetic witterings of Wullie McGeezagoal: Poet Laureate of the dung mound!
They’re lookin grand, but fits the haste?
Nae use in gaun in ower too fest.
Fan the fowk o Nigg are nae ower enamour’t
An the team are seek o’ gettin hammer’t
An the cooncil noo are takkin a beatin,
In Union Terrace, Torry an Seaton,
Ah wid think the last thing they’d be needin
Is the thocht o’ ‘Niggers’ pittin the beet in.
Ther’s fowk fa think it would be best
The build the new perk oot tae the west
Far the much anticipated WPR
Would be better tae get tae in a car
An athoot a great big loch aroon,
Nae muckle chunce onybody would droon
Ye see, park and watter dinna mix
Fan ye want tae see some funcy tricks
Jist look at Motherwells Fir Park
Last restin place o’ Noahs Ark
Cos drainage can be a michty pain
fan yev twinty thoosan on the wye tae a game
Ah surmise a puckly folk micht complain
If they’re forced tae turn their bus back hame
Due tae unprecedented precipitation
The loch grows, an swicks in tae the stadium.
The ducks micht find it weel an dry
whilst the ‘todrie gulls skrakk “far’s ma Setterday pie?”
And the geese come flyin in for a gander
An’ ane say’s ‘My shotty, Ah’ll be Zander?’
Locals canna ging for the Cove game neither
If their perk is ower close a neebour
an the loch taks on the rain an swells
theres naeb’dy tae blame but yer ain feel sel’s
Pittodrie wis made oot o’ a mound o’ shite
but oot o’ that cam mony a night
tae look back on time an’ time again
an’ smile an think ‘noo that wis the game’
The plannin is in, but fit’s the plan?
A’ the fans want tae ken is fan,
fittiver, farivver, fanivver, an’ fit
the Dons can dae tae be a tad less shit!
Nae cups, nae flags for ower mony years,
the fans have lang rin oot o’ tears
nae money for players, nae place in the sun,
But “at’ll a’ change fan we get a new grun”
”Well stick it in a bog, cos a bog’s nae bloody use,
An we’ll dae awa wi Pittodrie cos thers plunty needin a hoose
An if the new grun sinks, then the insurance surely will
Buy aff the folk, an get the park we’re needin in Westhill”
Dedicated tae fowk o’ Nigg and Loirston – See article.
Another rant from Aberdeen’s adopted crustacean Rapunzel Wizard.
We’re the Eton Replicants
pre-formed to form your government.
We’re the Eton Replicants.
We hate common things
like common sense.
We’re androids built on privilige.
We would fail the Voight-Kampff test.
The ruling elite couldn’t slash and burn
if we had compassion or concern.
I’ve seen the servants at Eton Wick
their council estate makes me sick.
You might think we’re a feudal joke
“Peasants feel our Norman Yoke!”
We’re the Eton Replicants
reptilian and repugnant.
We’re the Eton Replicants
born to form your government.
We’re modelled on a Nexus Six.
Handshakes hide an iron fist.
We’re the invasion of the bodysnatchers
implanted spawn of Maggie Thatcher.
We’re the Eton Replicants
against us there is no defence.
There’ll be a public sector vasectomy
it will go the way of a rat in V.
We’re the Eton Replicants
like Roy Batty our government
might die in four years
but we’d still be here
amongst you.
Rapunzel Wizard is a locally based performance poet who will be appearing this week at The Coffee House, Gaelic Lane …. see Upcoming Events. He also hosts Jam Factory – an open mic session at The Moorings every Sunday.