Aug 272010

Old Susannah would like to thank everyone who’s written in to support building Mr Milne a nice new football, sorry – community – stadium on top of Loirston Loch, which will be very pretty and glow in the dark. But no-one has. If you are for any reason not in favour of a football stadium by our only loch, on our only greenbelt land in the south of the city, you have until 31 August to object to the Planning people (Application No. 101299).

Scottish Enterprise
Scotland does not have much of a history for innovation or business acumen but for a few quirky exceptions like penicillin, anaesthetics, refrigeration, television, marmalade, jute manufacture, steam engines, cloning and whisky. Those few innovations which do come from Scotland clearly need expert help, or they would not get anywhere or make any money. Luckily there is help at hand – enter Scottish Enterprise.

SE offers a range of groundbreaking courses on how to run a business – information which could not be found anywhere else in the world, except perhaps for the free information available from libraries, the internet, local chambers of commerce or other government agencies. Its current chairman points out, for instance, that without SE telling companies that opportunities exist in energy and wind farms, no-one would otherwise know. Of course, one or two of SE’s business clients go out of business, but what can one do? The people of Scotland are privileged, therefore, to have this unelected QUANGO present in all Scottish regions, at a mere cost of around £277 million per year, with about one-third of this going on its staff. Clearly, SE does know how to generate money – for itself anyway. The effect SE has had on the economy is obvious for all to see. Where would Scotland be without it?

Finally, SE recently participated in an ‘independent review’ which recommended cutting public sector jobs. If anyone can suggest where to make these cuts, do let SE know.

In these times of financial and environmental worry, it is important to maintain a sense of humour. A joke is a short, pithy, witty story or deed guaranteed to provoke laughter and good feeling. For instance, a very funny woman in Coventry now says that when she petted a cat and forcefully threw it into a dark wheelie bin where it remained crying for fifteen hours until, fortunately, it was discovered, she was making a joke! We wonder if she is still laughing now.

Another example of joking can be found closer to home for Aberdonians. To distract locals from worries over crime, economic pressure and the like, our local officials keep us laughing with plans to build football – sorry, ‘community’ – stadia in beautiful, important greenbelt areas whilst closing schools and services. Apparently, as well as the 22,000 fans packed in to watch the Dons, there will be concerts. I guess AECC just makes so much money that we need another place for concerts too. You have to laugh really.

Common Good Fund
In around 1319, Robert the Bruce established this Fund to provide for the needs of Aberdeen’s citizens. In the past it has been used to help build Marischal College and establish the local library and Hazlehead Park amongst other good causes. It has also given funds for the improvement of something called Union Terrace and its gardens. In 2005, the value of the Fund was reported to be £31 million. Aberdeen City Council will be only too happy to let you know the Fund’s current value and give details of recent grants awarded. Just ask.

Aug 272010

Introducing the poetic witterings of Wullie McGeezagoal: Poet Laureate of the dung mound!

Pittodrie, spiritual hame o’ the Dons
nae near as guid as it wis once,
So they’re flittin, tae anither place,
the plans are in, an’ for the maist,

They’re lookin grand, but fits the haste?
Nae use in gaun in ower too fest.
Fan the fowk o Nigg are nae ower enamour’t
An the team are seek o’ gettin hammer’t

An the cooncil noo are takkin a beatin,
In Union Terrace, Torry an Seaton,
Ah wid think the last thing they’d be needin
Is the thocht o’ ‘Niggers’ pittin the beet in.

Ther’s fowk fa think it would be best
The build the new perk oot tae the west
Far the much anticipated WPR
Would be better tae get tae in a car

An athoot a great big loch aroon,
Nae muckle chunce onybody would droon
Ye see, park and watter dinna mix
Fan ye want tae see some funcy tricks

Jist look at Motherwells Fir Park
Last restin place o’ Noahs Ark
Cos drainage can be a michty pain
fan yev twinty thoosan on the wye tae a game

Ah surmise a puckly folk micht complain
If they’re forced tae turn their bus back hame
Due tae unprecedented precipitation
The loch grows, an swicks in tae the stadium.

The ducks micht find it weel an dry
whilst the ‘todrie gulls skrakk “far’s ma Setterday pie?”
And the geese come flyin in for a gander
An’ ane say’s ‘My shotty, Ah’ll be Zander?’

Locals canna ging for the Cove game neither
If their perk is ower close a neebour
an the loch taks on the rain an swells
theres naeb’dy tae blame but yer ain feel sel’s

Pittodrie wis made oot o’ a mound o’ shite
but oot o’ that cam mony a night
tae look back on time an’ time again
an’ smile an think ‘noo that wis the game’

The plannin is in, but fit’s the plan?
A’ the fans want tae ken is fan,
fittiver, farivver, fanivver, an’ fit
the Dons can dae tae be a tad less shit!

Nae cups, nae flags for ower mony years,
the fans have lang rin oot o’ tears
nae money for players, nae place in the sun,
But “at’ll a’ change fan we get a new grun”

”Well stick it in a bog, cos a bog’s nae bloody use,
An we’ll dae awa wi Pittodrie cos thers plunty needin a hoose
An if the new grun sinks, then the insurance surely will
Buy aff the folk, an get the park we’re needin in Westhill”

Dedicated tae fowk o’ Nigg and Loirston – See article.

Aug 202010

By Fred Wilkinson.

A new red light district is to be established on the outskirts of the city!
Aberdeen Football Club, last week, lodged a planning application for the proposed new community stadium to be situated to the north of Loirston Loch.

Along with some impressive computer generated images of the new facility comes the announcement that lighting will be installed to give the stadium a red glow at night. The club’s official colour of course, as oft witnessed on the faces of embarrassed fans. Continue reading »

Jul 092010

By Suzanne Kelly.

Democratic Government

A western style of social organisation existing to ensure that shopping and car park complexes are built, and disadvantaged and misunderstood multi-millionaires have an opportunity to make their voices heard by the ignorant masses. To create a democratic government, ‘elections’ are held, and the citizenry choose upstanding, sober members of their communities to make laws and regulations and shopping and car park complexes on their behalf.

Continue reading »