Sep 032010

Voice’s Dave Watt regales us with a tale of new found local nuclear might!

Shock waves reverberated around the globe this week as it was announced that Banff and Buchan had become the world’s latest nuclear power.

Grampian TV revealed that the region had concluded a trade deal with the ex-Soviet republic of Kazakhstan with the region’s huge surplus tattie mountain being exchanged for a dozen SS-20s. The missiles and their targeting equipment were delivered by a fleet of trawlers to Fraserburgh on Saturday morning and are fitting out at present. Whilst most are in the process of being installed in missile silos in Rosehearty and Whitehills it is rumoured that several are to be deployed on deep sea trawlers in a similar fashion to the Trident system presently employed by the UK government.

Defence Councillor for the region, Bob ‘Hermann’ Kahn, previously Councillor for Sanitation and Waste Disposal, confirmed the council’s stated policy on first use of its nuclear arsenal, “We will definitely not be advocating a first strike ag’inst onybody iv a’. Nae even ag’inst toonsers or yon orra tinks fae West Aiberdeenshire an’ Kincardine – well, nae unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

On being questioned as to whether or not the region’s actions were in contravention of last year’s Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, Mr Kahn said that prepared statements delineating the council’s position had been sent to Washington, Beijing, Moscow and Woodhill House and if anybody wanted to argue the toss they were welcome to send him or the council an e-mail – preferably with their home address and GPS grid reference for their house attached.

The council has also issued a public statement on Northsound outlining the stages for the launching of its nuclear weapons, ranging from the relatively peaceful ‘Defcon 1’ up to the immediate pre-launch condition red ‘Defcon 5’.

Defcon 1 Aye, aye min, fit like?

Defcon 2 I hinna seen you aroon here afore.

Defcon 3 You’re nae fae roon here, are ye?

Defcon 4 Hemmin, fa are you lookin’ at, eh?

Defcon 5 Right, toonser – ootside. Noo!

Although the majority of governments have expressed their concern at Banff and Buchan’s nuclear sabre-rattling, the US, Russian and Chinese governments said they were unable to formulate a response until the following phrases from the region’s message had been clarified:

1. Who or what is an ‘ill trickit vratch?’and why should this object’s actions ‘gie fowk a fleg’?

2. What form of locomotion is ‘knyppin’?

3. Does the expression ‘Fit’s a dee?’ have any connection with the river in the North East of Scotland?

4. As the nuclear warheads in the SS-20 are MIRVed (ie with multiple warheads) how many warheads is ‘a pucklie’? We also notice in your communication that you refer to firing off ‘a puckle warheids into Ibrox and Parkheid in Weegieland for a lauch’. We require to know if ‘a puckle’ is the same as ‘a pucklie’ and where Weegieland is, as we cannot find it on any of our maps. In addition, is ‘a lauch’ a misprint of ‘a launch’?