Suzanne at Aberdeen Voice, Author at Aberdeen Voice

Suzanne at Aberdeen Voice

City To Release ‘Tree For Every Citizen’ Costs

Oct 012015

This is an article submitted to SHMU for inclusion in their publication, Torry’s Vision. SHMU, or Station House Media Unit is a charity as well as a limited company, largely funded by the taxpayer. They purport to want articles from people living in Torry. They didn’t want this one. However, almost every issue of Torry’s Vision has glowing reports from the city’s rangers on how wonderfully things are going on Tullos Hill. Dissent seems to be off the menu at SHMU.

No final explanation was ever given for the refusal of this article.

First it was too long; I shortened it. Next they suggested it could be included as a letter. I explained that letters hardly have the same weight as articles. Then they wanted me to contact every organisation and person mentioned. Clearly the city, Aileen Malone, etc. would not be forthcoming with permission or statements to me on the deer cull and the enormous financial cost of their ‘cost neutral’ scheme.

Imagine if other magazines and newspapers had to contact the people they wrote about? Nothing negative would ever be published.

I sent footnotes to every claim I made. I told them they could cut the sentence about HoMalone (as she is known). No one ever explained why they didn’t print this, but had room for a full page story on a SHMU party, or half a page about household tips. SHMU’s representative was sent all of the links and/or prints of all documents used to support the article’s claims.

These can now be found here, along with a great deal of other relevant information on the deer cull and Tree scheme. They also said that this article needed to be more interesting to the people of Torry. Perhaps if any Torry residents past or present could kindly weigh in to say if this piece is at least as relevant to then as SHMU’s barbeque, that would be helpful. One more point: the City took months to release the finances: they were incomplete. By Suzanne Kelly

A petition to examine issues surrounding the scheme and Aberdeen’s Tullos Hill in particular gained sufficient public support for the city’s Petitions Committee to address the issues.

The committee met the petitioners on 21 April.
Text of their petition can be found here.

In May of 2011, campaigners wanted the deer spared and for Tullos Hill to be left as a meadow and the roe deer to be allowed to remain.

Campaigners argued that the flowers and the gorse were important habitat and should not have been removed.

The hill is a former industrial and domestic rubbish dumping ground with serious soil pollution issues. When the public found out there would be a deer cull, thousands signed petitions and several community councils objected as well. STV reported that 80% of the city opposed the scheme . The convener of the Housing & Environment Committee, Liberal Democrat Aileen Malone, demanded that the public come up with £225,000 for fencing – or the deer would be shot .

Animal welfare charities and organisations were alarmed at this unprecedented demand, and people were urged not to give into the demand. Free of charge services were offered to show the city how to grow the trees using non-lethal methods – these were dismissed out of hand. A spokesperson for the Scottish SPCA referred to the culling of the deer for the tree scheme as ‘abhorrent and absurd .’

The public were initially told the tree planting would be at no cost to them. However, a Freedom of Information request revealed that an expert C J Piper, was paid £72,212 for services to the tree-planting scheme (FOI letter EIR-13-0110 – A Tree for Every Citizen response from Aberdeen City to S Kelly of Thu, 14 Feb 2013 9:39).

Other expenses include fencing, the cost of having the deer shot, and a previous failed planting on the same hill which saw the taxpayers returning £43,800 to Scottish Natural Heritage (letter from Forestry Commission Scotland to Aberdeen City Council 2March 2011). The campaigners want to know what all of the expenses are, both historic and ongoing.

John Robins of Animal Concern said:

“Aberdeen City Council have all but wiped out a perfectly healthy herd of deer which had existed for generations on a piece of rough land which has never been suitable for anything else. Tullos Hill evolved into its own natural habitat and should have been valued and protected for what it was and not destroyed to fit in with the grandiose plans of petty politicians.

“It is extremely unlikely that any new woodland will survive on Tullos Hill,” – (John Robins of Animal Concern in email to S Kelly of Fri, 3 Apr 2015 2:05) .

Suzanne Kelly, who has written several articles for Aberdeen Voice and a report, continued:

“There may be very few deer left in the entire city according to a recent SNH count. We want to know how much tax money has gone on this scheme, we want no further culling, and we want the city to seek assurances from the SNH that we won’t see another £43,800 bill coming our way: the trees are covered by weeds in many places, no matter how many awards have been dished out.”

Torry resident Earl Solomon added:

“I don’t agree with killing the deer. I think it’s disgusting”

The city council will consider its deer control issues again in October. It voluntarily has culled the 46 deer to grow trees, saying they are sticking to Scottish Natural Heritage guidelines. These guidelines are just that – guidance and not legally binding. Other local authorities such as Glasgow decided not to kill their deer.

More information on the costs of the Tree for Every Citizen scheme will be released shortly. It is important to see how much this scheme has actually cost Aberdeen’s taxpayers.

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Petition To Ban Trade In Primates For Domestic Pets

Articles, Featured, Information No Responses »

Oct 012015

With thanks to Suzanne Kelly.

The Scottish Government is being urged to use a forthcoming review of the trade and importation of exotic animals as an opportunity to ban the keeping of primates as pets. The Scottish Government is uniquely placed to take the lead on this issue following a commitment earlier this year to carry out the review of the exotic pet trade.

The calls come as the suffering of monkeys across the UK is highlighted as animal welfare charities and a veterinary association launch a campaign to end the keeping of primates as pets.

Shocking images revealing primates cooped up in cages, fed fast food and sugary drinks, deprived of companions, living in dirt and suffering from disease show some of the appalling conditions primates are being kept in behind closed doors across the UK.

An estimated 5,000 primates are being kept as pets in the UK with around 100 of these believed to be in Scotland. Rescue groups such as Wild Futures have seen a steady increase in the number of primate welfare cases in recent years, and now receive approximately one new call every week relating to the welfare of a monkey. The fear is that this reflects a growth in primate ownership, facilitated by the ease of trading on the internet.

Marmosets, capuchins and squirrel monkeys are just some of the primates being kept as pets, destined for unnecessary suffering in an unnatural environment.

Animal protection groups OneKind, the Born Free Foundation, Captive Animals’ Protection Society, Four Paws, the RSPCA, Wild Futures and the British Veterinary Association (BVA) believe the cases of suffering they encounter on a frequent basis are just the tip of the iceberg and they have today launched a petition calling on the UK Governments to introduce regulations that will end the keeping and trading of these complex creatures as pets.

As well as petitioning the UK Government to take urgent action the group is calling on the Scottish Government to explicitly consider a ban on primates as pets as part of a review of the exotic pet trade due to be undertaken in the coming months.

Harry Huyton, Director of Scottish based animal welfare charity OneKind, said:

“OneKind has long campaigned for a ban on the keeping of primates as pets. Primates are social animals which have complex needs which, despite the best intentions of individual owners, cannot be met in a domestic environment, resulting in life-long suffering.

“With a forthcoming review on the exotic pet trade, Scotland is well placed to take a leading role in resolving this important welfare issue. We are urging the Scottish Government to use this opportunity to consider an outright ban on the keeping of primates as pets and set a positive example to other UK administrations.”

John Blackwell, President of the BVA added:

“Some people buy primates as fashionable ‘accessories’ but these long-lived, intelligent, socially-complex animals are not like dogs or cats and are extraordinarily difficult to properly care for. Animal welfare is a priority for vets and BVA has significant concerns as to whether the welfare needs of primates can be met when kept privately as pets: we can think of no circumstances where a primate would benefit from being kept in this way.

We are urging the Government to offer the clarity members of the public need and introduce a ban on private pet-ownership of primates.”

To sign the petition to #ProtectPrimates visit www.protectprimates.org.

Case study 1: The New Arc Centre, Aberdeenshire

The New Arc Centre in Auchnagatt, Aberdeenshire is one the north-east’s busiest animal rescue centres. It regularly takes in primates that have been abandoned or need to be re-homed simply because their owners are unable to meet their welfare needs.

Earlier this year, three marmosets which had been living in the centre for years had a happy ending when they were found permanent homes at one of the UK’s biggest primate sanctuaries.

One of the South American animals, Jock, had been at the centre for almost four years after being taken in from an owner in Aberdeen who kept him in a cockatiel’s cage. Jock was in poor condition and suffering from neglect after spending almost a year living in a cage totally unsuitable for a primate. He was joined by Colin and Douglas last year when their owner – though he cared deeply for them – decided he was unable to keep them on any longer.

Keith Marley who owns the New Arc said:

“The appeal of these extremely active, highly intelligent animals is understandable, however fights between them can happen over the slightest thing and a sustained attack on an owner is virtually guaranteed at some point, as the scars on my face and tendon damage to my wrist will testify.

“This often results in animals being locked up in small cages as the owners lose confidence, beginning a downward spiral of abuse and neglect.

“ Accidents happen and problems like metabolic bone disease require vets with specialised knowledge and sadly, they are few and far between.”

Case study 2: Tam, St Boswells, Scottish Borders

Tam, a capuchin, was born in 1996 and was sold into the pet trade by a breeder when he was still an infant. Along with his brother, he was separated from his mother and family group and went to live with a human family in the Scottish Borders.

They shared an enclosure at the bottom of the garden which comprised indoor cage of 4’ x 4’ x 7’ and outside cage of 5’ x 12’ x 7’. When they reached maturity, they started to fight so they were castrated on the ill-informed advice of a vet. Unfortunately, this did not have the desired effect and another fight sadly led to the death of Tam’s brother.

Tam was then left living on his own for seven years. He was licensed under the Dangerous Wild Animals Act, but in contravention to this he was allowed to roam outside of his cage, until the Scottish Borders local authority intervened. His owners loved Tam very much, but they eventually realised that he would be better placed in a sanctuary with others of his own kind, so they contacted Wild Futures’ Monkey Sanctuary to take him on.

On arrival at the Sanctuary, each new monkey receives a thorough health check at the vets. Tam’s check-up showed signs of second degree frostbite on his toes, due to him spending a lot of time out in the cold and he was underweight with poor muscle development due to lack of exercise.

Tam now lives in a social group with access to spacious, natural enclosures and is provided with specialist care.

His former owner Linda Wood said:

“After keeping Tam 16 years it was a very hard but right decision for him by giving him up to Wild Futures monkey sanctuary in 2013 and I still contribute to his care by adopting him and visit every year, so if asked about keeping a monkey as a pet I just recommend that they adopt one.”

Break out box of primate facts:

Primates need to live in social groups – in 60% of cases investigated by the RSPCA in England and Wales, these animals were being kept alone in isolation.
Usually sold as infants, pet primates suffer emotional damage and are deprived of essential social learning opportunities that continue to cause problems, Even if an owner tries to pair their primate up with another at a later date they may not get along and the damage has already been done.
The most common monkey animal welfare organisations receive calls about is the marmoset monkey, one of the smallest monkeys in the world that generally lives for around 20 years.
Frequently kept in a bird cage as a pet, in the wild they travel up to 0.6 of a mile every day.
The RSPCA has taken 22 prosecutions to court in England and Wales over the last 10 years in regards to primates. That averages at more than two per year.
15 European countries have already introduced a ban on keeping primates as pets, of either all or some species. We now need the governments in the UK to follow.

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Haddo Arts Festival 2015

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Sep 292015

Haddo House is pleased to present a varied festival this year; with thanks to Alice Dennis.

As well as numerous fine arts exhibitions and theatrical performances, there are three concerts at Haddo House this Sunday and Monday.

They include fantastic performers; the internationally acclaimed string quartet the Endellion, the Songsmiths who are two Ferrier winning singers and accomplished pianist Audrey Hyland and world famous pianist Peter Donohoe giving a recital on Monday night.

All the concerts feature accessible music to appeal to concert goers old an new, young and not so young with never a dull moment!

The Sunday lunchtime Endellion concert has light refreshments afterwards in the Peatyards where the Art Exhbition is; hy not have a walk afterwards and something to eat at Formartines on the estate and then come to the Songsmiths in the evening?

This concert has a wide selection of beautiful romantic song loosely connected to the theme of the story of Lady of the Camellias. A must for every aspiring singer!

On Monday Peter Donohoe playing the Steinway grand has to be the highlight of the week – please don’t miss out on the chance to hear him play!

A programme of events can be found here

BBC Airs Montrose Pictures’ Dangerous Game

Aberdeenshire, Information 3 Responses »

Sep 282015

Award-winning director Anthony Baxter tells Aberdeen Voice’s Suzanne Kelly of an upcoming BBC screening of ‘Dark Side Of The Greens’ that is an absolute must for Trump-watchers.

The BBC is broadcasting an hour long version of Montrose Picture’s latest film (originally called A Dangerous Game in the cinema release) this Wednesday 30 September at 9pm.

Over the weekend the national papers gave the programme universally favourable reviews and it’s Mark Kermode’s TV film of the week.

Given the fact that Donald Trump is currently frontrunner as the Republican nomination for the Presidential race, it may have additional relevance obviously.

And there’s plenty of Scottish material in it too of course.

Baxter and his partner fellow journalist Richard Phinney were infamously arrested on the Menie Estate for having the temerity to ask Trump staff when the Forbes family were likely to have running water restored (Trump’s construction team ‘accidentally’ broke the pipes and didn’t fix them for a week).

The issue of reliable running water remains problematic – as does the once unquestionable freedom of the press in Scotland, and the former absolute legal protection that SSSI sites like the Menie Estate’s moving sand dune system had.

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Richard Thompson Shows How It’s Done

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 162015

Richard Thompson returned to Aberdeen Music Hall, and as they say, ‘he owned it’. Biased devotee Suzanne Kelly reviews. Photographs by Julie Thompson.

It’s always a treat when Richard Thompson comes to town. The Music Hall lobby was filled with fans before the show, speculating on what he might play, and comparing notes on when they’d last seen him.

I only found out that The Rails were opening on the night; I’d long wanted to see them live.

Richard’s daughter Kami Thompson and her husband James Walbourne are giving us pure folk music, beautifully arranged with haunting harmonies and beautiful playing. You’d expect no less though.

They explain their new CD has been delayed, or they’d have it for sale tonight.

Happily, you can get more info on The Rails and their CD here.

They seem relaxed and seem to be enjoying it – but it can’t be easy opening up when your father – or father-in-law is basically a living benchmark.

“We still keep falling for the same old lies. Times are tough, times are tough, but that’s enough.”

Thompson opens with the rousing call to protest song ‘That’s Enough’. He explains it’s from the family album, and that he intended it for Occupy Wall Street but ‘was about a year too late’ with it. The night’s going to be filled with astonishing music, but a piece like this reminds you that aside from the 200 mile per hour riffs, haunting acoustic melodies, straightforward honest rock, it’s not just the guitar you come for, it’s the writing.

You have to love the directness and simplicity of a piece like this, but when it’s performed with harmonies supplied by his daughter and son-in-law filling the Music Hall, you remember what live performance at its best is.

Genuinely, the impact of this song as performed was immense. I hope someone’s going to get a recording of this piece with all three musicians. Genetics. The stuff that gives you a family of Bushes or Kardashians. Or, if you’re really, really lucky, a family of Thompsons.

Now that we’re all riled up and ready to start a protest there and then, the music is taking us elsewhere. ‘All Buttoned Up’ leads with its uptight staccato tension leads into folky ‘Sally B’.

We hear a new piece, ‘Broken Doll’ – slow, haunting, touch of menace – in the way Richard makes wholly his own. As he does.

‘Al Bowlly’s in Heaven’ is introduced and explained by Richard. It’s the tale of a veteran who feels forgotten (lack of support for veterans sadly is still a huge issue and the UK fails its service people badly). The protagonist, a down-on-his-luck veteran remorsefully muses on the death of his musical idol. Al Bowlly’s gone to heaven, but our veteran is in limbo.

‘Guitar Heroes’ is an amazing voyage through the styles of the artists who inspired Richard including Les Paul and Chuck Berry. In this piece, the guitar tech is brought on to provide acoustic rhythm guitar support. “Sorry it’s for the same money,” Richard tells him.

The song is an extraordinary piece seeing Richard channel Les Paul to such a degree that I get teary; it was just like listening to Paul again in person like I did, enrapt, over 25 years ago.

To play this song, jumping in and out of styles, is a phenomenal workout. Everyone in the audience is loving the exhilarating, perfect work; it gets massive applause. I’m exhausted for them by this point; but they’re keeping on.

Clearly no one’s going to get onto a bill with Thompson if they’re not the business, but the bass and drums are such you’d have to go far and wide to find talents anything like these. I’ve heard percussionist Michael Jerome before touring with Thompson, but tonight he’s absolutely on fire.

The range of techniques; the variety of the playing, the expressiveness is on particularly great form.

If it seemed like, if Thompson was channelling Les Paul, then Jerome was channelling Krupa and Bonzo.

A solo he’s got about halfway through the night has Davey Faragher making his bass speak like I’ve never heard anyone do before. Other than when his bass takes the lead, it’s always just right – never dominating, always creatively underlining; always felt. We’re liking this line up an awful lot.

The guitar solos exceed expectations. Maybe he has six or seven fingers? How’s he moving that fast? Why did they call Clapton ‘Slowhand?’ A few frivolous thoughts like that come quickly to mind and go. The greatest metal lead guitar players would have a hard time doing this material justice. The music and the material has me thinking and feeling some wonderful things; I’m finding this exhilarating, battery-recharging, and empowering. And I want to go and protest things even more.

Then he slows it all down with If Love Whispers Your Name ‘next time I promise I will be ready, ready to move when the clouds roll apart

It ends too soon. Afterwards, over a quick drink or two (the road manager is celebrating his 60^th birthday – though he seems more like 20 to me), Richard’s got an effortless nonchalant demeanour; ‘down to earth’ doesn’t even quite do it justice; he’s just being a top bloke.

What others said:

Gemma Louise Cook said:

“it was a fantastic night and a real treat to be there – RT Electric Trio and The Rails gained two more very enthusiastic fans in Scott and I Thursday night.”

Portrait artist Keith Byres said:

“Blistering performance! Richard Thompson is a musician who doesn’t believe he’s a guitarist…. He just knows!!!!! This is true art!!!”

and Shaun Young said:

“great performance loved the new album too. enjoyed the rails too. great vocal. , the drummer from the electric trio was incredible couldn’t take my eyes off some of his drum beats very impressive.”

On a personal note:

There was this particular point, maybe it was a solo early on in the proceedings, but I realised that something was missing – then I realised that someone was missing. Her name was Ruth MacPherson; she loved Richard’s music, and one year I was going to take her along, but on the night she was just too ill from her fight with cancer to make it. She’d have loved being here tonight.

Most musicians gracefully sign photographs and pose for photos as if they were an exhibit; I generally try to avoid asking them for any such favours when I could just be talking with them.

On that long-ago night though, I got Richard to sign a backstage pass or some such for Ruth. I slipped it under her door one day with a copy of ‘Electric’. She was ecstatic. I wished she was here.

I also got slightly teary like a silly girl when Richard’s ‘Guitar Heroes’ got to the Les Paul section. You try not to be disappointed over the many ‘would have/should have/could have’ moments. Still, the last time I had the opportunity to hear Paul play, I got conscripted against my will into something I didn’t want to do instead.

‘I’ll just go see him play next time’ I thought. There never was a next time, and there won’t be one. Maybe I finally learnt my lesson about following my instincts and appreciating what is available in the here and now. I’d like to hope so. But when I closed my eyes, it was just like being back in Fat Tuesday’s, sitting a few feet away from Les, and hearing those golden tones that no one else can match (Richard did it though).

On a less maudlin note, I would have liked to hear ‘Fergus Lang’ at the Music Hall, like Thompson did last year. That was the first time I’d seen it live, and I’ll try and make sure I see Richard perform it again. I hope RT realises that for a good number of people, that song is pure tonic (Trump not being one of them).

Fanfare For Loirston Loch

Aberdeen City, Opinion No Responses »

Sep 042015

In its infinite wisdom, Aberdeen City Council has turned its back on the voices from the past pleading for this special place to remain undeveloped. We’re losing more countryside so we can have more office spaces. Fiona Archibald paid a final visit to this wildlife haven – before the tree fellers and bulldozers move in – and made this photoessay.

Spoke with ranger today who tells me the trees at the Loirston Loch will be felled in about two weeks to make way for the new development.

Have walked my dogs there daily for around 3 years.

He is not sure if we will get access to the site from that time onwards.

Feeling sad and gutted.

The ranger was quite sad as he told me, the ones are Loirston are not that happy about the development.

I felt quite teary as I walked round with my dogs, they have grown up there.

I have taken so many pictures.

Absolutely heart sick about it.

The short eared owl will disappear when they start with noise etc.

There have been about 15 photographers up from the NE Wildife Scotland site, since I discovered him.

A weathered sign at Loirston Loch read:

“It is important to protect this area of countryside from being built upon.”
Respected for decades, it, the trees, the habitat and the wildlife are all being swept aside.

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Duke of Rothesay, Cabrach Community Inaugurate Cairn

Aberdeenshire, News No Responses »

Aug 282015

The Duke of Rothesay attended a ceremony on Sunday in the Lower Cabrach, one of Scotland’s most remote communities. He had come to lay a wreath at newly-constructed memorial cairn. Suzanne Kelly attended.

The Cabrach is perhaps best known for its dramatic, beautiful scenery and for being the home of whisky.

The Gordon family residence is here in the sparsely-populated area, home to generations of Scotland’s first family of whisky.

The Cabrach cairn, in the Lower Cabrach area, is a new, beautiful dry stone monument to those from the area who fell not only in World War I, but in all subsequent conflicts.

Until recent research revealed the truth, it was thought that the number of those from the Cabrach who fell in the Great War was far less than one hundred. The truth emerged that perhaps some 300 lives were lost.

This was mainly to illness. When the recruits left the area to go to war, they had little in the way of natural immunity, and many were tragically killed by disease.

Prince Charles – the Duke of Rothesay as he is known in Scotland – laid a wreath and talked to an assembly of residents. This wreath was red poppies with three white feathers with a card which read:

“In special memory of those from the Cabrach, and the parishes of Rhynie, Lumsden and Dufftown who lost their lives during the First World War. Charles”

One of those present was John Gordon. As a young man of 16 in World War II, he was kept in the area to do essential agricultural work and to serve on the Home Guard. He told Aberdeen Voice:

“I joined the Home Guard; I got my medal about 10 year ago. This medal is the Royal Observer Corps. I was in and saw the bombing that happened in Aberdeen. The Germans flew over here too; they dropped a bomb on the Upper Cabrach. Aye, they put a bomb up there in the Upper Cabrach.”

After the Duke left, a second ceremony was held for the entire community with music and the Lonach Pipe Band and a huge spread of food. Photographs of the cairn in progress over the months adorned the community centre walls.

Marc Ellington spearheaded the project; funding for which mainly came from the Gordon family.

Ellington said:

“Each and every aspect of the construction of the cairn has involved members, both young and old, of the Cabrach Community working closely with master craftsman Euan Thompson, a specialist in traditional dry stone construction.

“As well as being one of the finest memorial cairns to be built in Scotland in recent years, this is an outstanding example of what a local community, working together with energy and determination, can achieve.”

Both Ellington and community leader Patti Nelson gave speeches and thanked everyone who assisted and who attended. Marc was assisted on the day by Gemma Louise Cook.

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Emergency Release Of Trump Film On Day Of GOP Debate

Aberdeenshire, News 1 Response »

Aug 072015

Filmmakers agree to stream for free the movie Donald Trump tried to ban. With thanks to Anthony Baxter.

Michael Moore with Anthony Baxter. Courtesty of A Baxter

Michael Moore and Anthony Baxter courtesty of A Baxter

An award-winning documentary that Donald Trump threatened to sue the BBC over is being made available to Americans before each US Presidential debate.

You’ve Been Trumped will be available to watch in its entirety at 12:01 am EST on Thursday, August 6, the date of the first debate in Cleveland, Ohio. This first free showing will expire after 24 hours.

The trailer for the film can be viewed here.

“Since Mr Trump has soared in the polls we have received many requests for You’ve Been Trumped,” said its director Anthony Baxter. “In a way we feel we have a public duty to make the film available as widely as possible.”

“You’ve Been Trumped shows a side of Mr Trump that anyone thinking of voting for him hasn’t seen, and so it’s perhaps no surprise Mr Trump hates the film.”

Trump tried to sue the BBC when the corporation aired You’ve Been Trumped in 2012. He then launched a bitter Twitter tirade against the film’s director and threatened legal action. But You’ve Been Trumped was aired anyway to record audiences (trending number one on twitter) and led to a collapse in his popularity in Britain.

“We intend to make the film available the day of each Presidential debate that Mr Trump takes part in,” said Mr Baxter.

Baxter, who was thrown in jail after an arrest by Scottish police backed by Trump (the police later apologised), is in the United States as part of the release of A Dangerous Game, which looks at the impact of Trump’s super luxury golf courses in America and Scotland, and features an explosive interview with the billionaire in Trump Tower. The BBC has acquired the film for broadcast later in the year.

Members of the public wishing to view You’ve Been Trumped, should go to www.trumpemergency.com.

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Old Susannah No 180 – The Beautiful Princess Part II

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour 1 Response »

Aug 072015

Old Susannah gets to grips with Grampian gripes normally; this week the focus is on the Face of Aberdeen, and a shy retiring golf magnate. By Suzanne Kelly

Tally ho! There is quite a lot going on in the Deen, such as Dr Kennedy’s new book (interview and review to follow). BrewDog has some new beers coming out, and the BrewDog Jackhammer margaritas continue to delight.

An 87 year old man was put on the sex offenders’ list for kissing a shop assistant on the cheek while at the same time a man who lifted a woman’s dress over her head while she was using a cash point was dismissed as being just good fun. In fact, she was put on trial for giving chase and hitting him.

Sounds fair to me.

With the weather a bit dreich, and things not quite as vibrant and dynamic as they might be this summer, I thought I’d revisit an Old Susannah column from two years ago, The Beautiful Princess. The Beautiful Princess still stands as shining example of what happens when your looks are in the driving seat.

Sure, in her case the brain may not have actually made it into the vehicle, and ethics must have jumped out at a red light. In fact, a former co-worker has just told me that this princess is ‘thick as mince’. However, for the young and pretty girl, the sky’s the limit as to how much money you can make.

So Tally Ho! instead of the usual news round up, diary, and definitions, it’s time to re-visit the well-loved fairy tale of The Beautiful Princess. Definitions and normal services to resume shortly.

The Beautiful Princess. By Suzanne Kelly.

Recapeth:

There once was a beautiful princess; all around her marvelled at her great beauty back in the day. Was she as kind, good and honest as her looks implied? Alas! Not so much, as we well learned.

Proud of her great beauty, in her youth she entered a beauty pageant to find the fairest face in the land, and naturally, she won, for she was the most beautiful maid in all the highlands. The fame this brought her went straight to her head.

Verily when she was crowned fairest face in the land, the dashing young newspaper executive who had coincidentally run this august competition fell madly in love with her, and she with him. Forsaking their previous partners, they soon wed, for beautiful people must stick together. And ambitious beautiful people even more so.

Around this time, a tyrant-ogre named Trump from a faraway land had come to the Princess’ kingdom, and set out to make the world’s greatest golf course. Fearful he was, with the hair of a wildebeest (and the wildebeest was glad to get rid of it). This ogre had the roar of a lion (possibly one of the lions his two brave manly sons had courageously shot with high-powered muskets while tracking animals down using iron horses and 4x4s.

This hunting, in the words of one of the brave boys, was verily a largess on their part which enabled the poor Africans to have shoes, but I never did understand how that worked and I digresseth).

Who should the ogre tyrant choose to build hundreds of homes, two golf courses, a country club, kennels to keep the slaves in, and giant clocks showing the wrong times? Why the Beautiful Princess of course.

Her work experience consisted previously of hanging around at the Gordon Highlanders’ museum. She had tired of this job indeed, as many of the school children oft mistook her for one of the display dummies. Imagine her great joy when her great beauty won the heart of the tyrant King!

‘Forsooth! He may not be very pretty to look at, but his gold will keep me in all the Jimmy Choo glass slippers I could ever want, which truth be told is the lot of them’ she mused.

‘Surely I will have to spend a day or two learning about ‘golf’ whatever that is, and I already know about houses for I have lived in some. Verily, Master Bates and I his Mistress Princess are quids in’.

And the rest was history.

….. But things change, ken?

The Story Noweth:

Now the Princess was on a nice little earner, and in between rants the bellowing ogre-tyrant Trump taught the princess much. She learned of faraway lands and customs.

Near Trump’s American homeland was Mexicoland. Savage beasts called Mexicoans lived there – but were always trying to move to America to rape, pillage, sell magic potions and taketh over.

“As soon as I make the world’s greatest golf course here in Scotlandland, and am made King of America, I will build a wall shutting all those Mexicoans into their Mexicoland forever.” the tyrant told her.

There were also apparently Black people, though Princess Sarah had met precious few such people, and hardly ever did any black people appear in her husband’s Ye Press & Journal newspaper.

“A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. I think sometimes a black may think they don’t have an advantage or this and that… I’ve said on one occasion, even about myself, if I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage.’’ Trump would joke with the Princess.

But his infamous moods began to swing even more erratically with the passage of time.

Construction of the second golf course was put off because of something called wind turbines. Whatever these were, the Princess understood they were hideous to look upon, and no one would come for a match of golf if there were any turbines to be seen on the water.

By a happy coincidence someone with the same surname as the princess was in a position in the shire such that he had a vote over whether building such monstrous turbines should be allowed on land or sea; his name was Tom, and never did he cast an ‘Aye’ in favour of the wind machines, which happily suited ogre-tyrant to a tee. Verily though, the people decided that their energy needs were at least as important as golf, and these turbines got ye go-ahead.

So the second course was off. Then it was on again. Then Trump went to the court of King Salmond to proclaim ‘he was the evidence’ and no turbines should be built. For some reason, King Salmond disagreed. He was later succeeded by Queen Nicola, but alas, I digress again and seek thy pardon. And to the astonishment of many, Trump did buyeth a share in a wind farm company. ‘What’s he liketh?’ the peasants wondered.

Anyway, it seemed to the Princess that the tyrant was becoming more and more confused by the day. His rants against black people and Mexicoans were joined by rants against this group, that person, television networks, countries – in truth, everyone was subject to a fearful, slavering Trump slaggeth – except for the Ice Queen Sara Palin. It was said she had a musket, killed many a moose (whatever a moose is), and lived in the frozen north.

Upon hearing of the slaughter of fearsome lion Cecil, Trump said he’d pay the legal costs for the dentist-lech-hunter who had done the deed, and Sara Palin said:

“there are plenty of lions in zoos; what’s the big deal yous guys?”

As was well-known in the shire, Trump suffered from many bewitchments. One of these was of course his delusion of competence. Another spell he was under was that although he looked like a particularly unattractive bloated jellyfish with a gaping maw (why his mouth never assumed a normal shape was undoubtedly another bewitchment upon him – pardon for yet another digression), he thought he was beautiful.

He in turn had an enchantment of his own and was able to make fair looking maids think he was the very knees of the bees. Beautiful maidens with names like ‘Ivana’ and ’Melania’ threw themselves at the hulking mass which was the ogre tyrant, marrying – nay – even mating with the beast. This attraction he held over them was whispered in hushed tones to be in some way connected with bags of gold.

However, while The Donald, as Trump was also knowneth, showed scant sign of possessing any actual gold. But there one hath it.

Anyway, one summer day Trump flew his iron bird and came to visit the Princess and the club of golfs at Menie. Afraid of incurring his wrath, the Princess decked herself out in her loveliest clothes.

While Princess Bates had been a wee slip of a girl, there was a wee slip in her looks as the years progressed. The year before, Trump flew in a team of witch stylists, who put an American glamour on the Princess. While she was not best pleased at this turn of affairs, Princess Sarah thought ‘why fighteth it? If I am to look like an American for this gig, so be it, and I will just dress in my lovely clothes when out on the town with my Damian.’

So in came the hairdressers the stylists and make up artists. Sarah’s hair grew to twice its normal height and width, so big was it was that it nearly rivialled the main the giant himself sported. A jerkin with massive shoulder pads was put on her; she could barely walk in it. A tunic of American style was put on her. And to her great shame, she was photographed in this frumpy puritanical gear with giant hair, holding a giant certificate.

Forsooth! This was none other than the fabled ‘Five Diamond Award’. Now this was the most sought-after prize in all the countryside; even in Mexicoland. Trump was pleased greatly by receiving this great award. Result! By the oddest of coincidences, Trump was on the board of the great and good who gave this award out. But there you haveth it.

So the Princess kept learning about golf; apparently there were clubs that you struck things with (like Derek Forbes, who years ago in the shire saved himself from a giant fox that was after his sandwich by clubbing it half to death and leaving it to suffer. The people still to this day remember him – but again already this is another digression), and there were also clubs golfers visited to buy sandwiches for £20 a pop.

The Princess’ progress astounded all those around here, who had never known her to absorb so much knowledge before. And the ogre-tyrant would visit on occasion, at which times Sarah’s husband would bow to his wishes and spread stories far and wide about how wonderful Trump was.

Then it was time for another visit from Trump.

Warmly welcoming Trump and his entourage to his Scottish lands at Menie, Sarah curtseyed as per usual. When she looked up, she was aghast. Trump had never seemed a portrait in oils to her, but now he seemed positively terrifying. His face had turned the orange colour of oranges, and the skin around his beady eyes had turned the pink of the rose.

“Well, Sarah honey, now that I’ve done such a grand job here at Menie building the world’s greatest course, I’ve bought far off lands called Turnberry. I’ll soon do for them what I’ve done here!” Trump roared.

“I’ve even got another girl to help me with drinks and photo opps there just like you do here.”

Sarah tried not to shake with fear and revulsion when the monstrous Trump spake thus:

“Sarah honey, go get me and the guys some drinks will ya?”

Not accustomed to being ordered, she nevertheless left the elegant clubhouse room Trump was now ensconced in. Grabbing a passing servant by the neck, she hissed at them to serve Trump’s drinks. But could it be that there was someone else who knew about this game of golf who had been hired? Was she pretty? ‘Surely any new employee is not as beautiful as I am, for in truth I am the Face of the Shire.’ she thought.

Sarah was perplexed.

Trump and his court jester, Sorial, were laughing loudly. Sarah hid behind the statue of St. MacDonald, Trump’s grandmother from Skye, which had been cast in the finest concrete known to man (just like the fountain at the MacLeod house – ach, I digresseth again), and thus concealed, she listened to them speak.

“Dumb doesn’t come close to it, and I oughtta know!” Trump joked with Sorial

“Yeah, and did you see how doughy she was!” Sorial joked back

“Those eyes! those lines aren’t crow’s lines, those are San Andreas Faults”

The Princess heaved a sigh of relief. So – this usurper who was going to work at Turnberry was not a great beauty. This was good news indeed. Any insecurities she felt disappeared.

The servant girl with the drinks appeared; shaking like a leaf such that the goblets on her tray quivered. Serving as quickly as she could, she left.

‘Now that my great boss Trump has his drinks, I’ll emerge from behind this statue and dazzle him with my beauty AND my knowledge of golf’ the Princess thought. Sashaying over in her 6” heels, smiling from ear to ear, she heard the last line of their conversation:

“But at least if we keep the old bag of a princess around, we’ll still get good PR in Ye Press & Journal, and those rebellious upstarts like Forbes, Milne, Munro and Baxter will be closed out of the news, and verily their names stricken from the record.” Sorial laughed

“But for Chrissake, I’m going to get my makeup gal to fix the Princess’s complexion up just like she’s done to me – don’t I look nice and tan, Sorial?” Trump enquired.

“Er, sure you do boss” Sorial said, taking a big swig from his goblet.

Princess Sarah stopped in her tracks, her smile disappearing into the laughter lines around here eyes. Her chins dropped. Even beneath her St Tropez magic tan – which ironically made her look more like one of those hated Mexicoans than she could ever know – Sarah could feel herself grow pale as the blood drained from her once beautiful face.

Somewhere outside the beautiful clubhouse palace, a lonely seagull cried.

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Trail to Tranquility – A Scottish Wild West Film

Aberdeenshire, Featured, Information No Responses »

Aug 072015

Huntly seems an unlikely venue for a film set in the American Wild West frontier. However, when you come up the Aberdeenshire country drive to the Tranquility Wild West Town for the first time, you feel like you’ve stepped back in time. On the weekend of 11 July director Paul Vernon, town founder and script writer Ally Baranowski, actors and crew worked at breakneck speed from dawn to dusk to film the short movie ‘Trail to Tranquility’. Suzanne Kelly was on hand to report – and to take the role of Kitty, Tranquility’s saloon owner.

Karl and Michael on the Tranquility set.

Trail to Tranquility is the latest in a series of films to be shot in Huntly’s Wild West Town, Tranquility. When this film comes out in December, condensed to 35 minutes, it promises to be an action-filled, fast-paced adrenalin ride.

Without giving too much of the plot away, outlaws make their way to the little town of Tranquility, where they take a hostage. Battle rages between the US Marshal’s forces and the outlaws, with fatal consequences for some.

Award-winning director Paul Vernon was joined by a hard working film crew including Calum McCrae / Patrick Haram on sound recording duties.

Professional makeup artists Deborah Cowan and Kym Murchie did an outstanding job ranging from making up the saloon girls to ensuring any wounds looked realistic.

Vernon told the team:

“Every single participant contributed to this overall project, whether it was a townsperson attending a scene on Sunday morning or a member of the main cast and crew, or even that person making teas, or cleaning out the toilets, to filling up the water trough, or making the director a cuppa! Each and every one is as important as the next.”

The actors came from across the UK; with male lead Mikey Mccallen and others coming from the Southampton area for the shoot.

The cast and crew that made it all happen are:

Mikey Mcallen, Michael Lorsong, Gregor Cameron, Ryan Hamilton, Stuart McGough, Mikey Rennie, Dave Alexander, Roderick Mackenzie, Karl Fredrick Hiemeyer, Atholl Buchan, Alistair Baranowski, Andrew J Douglas, Stuart Patterson, Suzanne Kelly, Kiera Robertson, John Haram, William Kidd, Brian Grassie, Brian Watt, William Beaton, Brendan Moir, Patrick Haram, Andrew McDonald, Calum McCrae, Phil Vinden, John de Sykes, Larry Willett, Will Napier, Cameron Lawrie Ross, Jim Anderson, Jane Leiper and Danny, Vicky Largue, Kelly Moir, Samantha Domeracki, Erin Sharpe, Iona Rennie, Deborah Cowan, Kym Murchie, and a wonderful group of extras who came from all over the Aberdeenshire area.

Tranquility founder and scriptwriter Ally Baranowski said:

“This weekend was the culmination of months of preparation by both myself & Paul Vernon, the director & in the last few weeks by Debs & Kym. And over that long weekend everyone managed to gel together as a team so enabling a successful conclusion to the film making.”

December will see the film’s premier at Aberdeen’s Belmont Cinema. Aberdeen Voice will keep you informed of developments and the launch date.

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