Apr 292011
 

By Bob Smith.

Trumpie’s spies hiv bin lit loose
Nae doot aa lookin shifty
Diggin fer proof Obama wis born
In the USA state number fifty

Donald’s nae sure far Obama is fae
Disna think it’s in Hawaii
Noo his goons are doon checkin
Presidential birth rules div comply

Some allege  Obama’s a Kenyan
An his nae richt ti be in the post
Bit the President’s mither’s American
So Donald jist awa an git lost

Noo dis Donald nae claim his mither
Born in Tong syne USA she did gyang
Maybe iss shud as weel be contested
Jist in case the mannie is wrang

Donald  please gie us the proof
Yer mither cam fae the isles in the west
Let aabody see yer certificate o birth
An pit yer claims noo ti the test

Fox News are “trumpetin” Donald
Ti run for presidency of the US of A
Wi backin fae iss richt wing lot
Americans shud start ti pray

Wis Mary Anne born in Tong?
Wis Donald in Queens, New York?
Micht there be a bit o confusion
If it wis a bliddy useless stork

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

 

Apr 222011
 

Aberdeen Voice is proud to present the following comic strip originally created by local artists Dave Smith and Graham Murdoch. The cartoon strip first appeared in an issue of the sorely missed Keltik Komix in the late 1980s. However, readers will find the subject matter not only topical, but uncannily familiar. It is very likely that the particular issue of Keltix Komix in question was funded by Aberdeen City Council  – for which we are extremely grateful.

 

Mar 252011
 

By Bob Smith.

It’s noo weel nigh on fifty ear
Seen I left ma faither’s fairm
Ti gyang an bide in the toon
An there ti chunce ma airm

Bit noo I’m growein auler
Ma myn gings back a fyle
Fin I wis classed a kwintra teuchter
Brocht up in a different style

There’s nae muckle wrang I maun confess
Wi a body faa wis born in the toon
Bit on fowk faa spikkit the Doric
Some ower their noses wid look doon

Noo the jobbie I wis fee’t fer
Hid me spikkin aat bit mair posh
The thingies yer asked ti dee
Fin ye need ti earn some dosh

Bit losh ye nivver forget yer roots
An I still spik in the  Doric tongue
An on the odd antrin nicht
A cornkister I hiv sung

So I’m prood ti be a teuchter
Prood ti be an aul kwintra loon
An I’ll stick twa fingers up
Ti them faa wid ding us doon

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

 

Cock-Ups An Muddles Are Aa On The Go

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on Cock-Ups An Muddles Are Aa On The Go
Mar 112011
 

Cock-Ups An Muddles Are Aa On The Go – by Bob Smith.

( Ti bi sung ti the tune o Molly Malone )

In Aiberdeen’s fair toonie
Faar cooncillors are thocht looney
Bides a cooncil convener
Named Aileen Malone
An she wheels oot her spiel
Aboot the Tullos Hill deal
Cryin show us yer money
Or the beasties are gone

Aa on the go
Aa on the go
Cock-ups an Muddles are aa on the go

She got aroon  fifty queries
Fits the fate o the deeries?
“Aboot” een fae the city an een fae the shire?
Sayin the rest are nae local
Aboot iss she’s maist vocal
Cryin ti fin oot addresses
I hiv nae desire

Aa on the go
Aa on the go
Cock-ups an Muddles are aa on the go


Noo there’s something I’m sure
She hisna a clue—er
Maybe they cam fae the toon efter aa
Fae Torry or Ellon?
The wifie’s nae tellin
Cryin I’m jist a puir cooncillor
Faa’s back’s ti the wa

Aa on the go
Aa on the go
Cock-ups an Muddles are aa on the go

Oh the wumman’s fair sweatin
At the pelters she’s gettin
Maybe at coontin she’s nae verra gweed
Cooncillor Malone dinna dither
Jist git ti hell thither
Ti buy a new abacus
It’s jist fit ye need

Aa on the go
Aa on the go
Cock-ups an Muddles are aa on the go

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

 

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.25

 Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.25
Feb 252011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events ducking under the radar as well as making the headlines,  and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Sometimes a joke goes a step too far; Old Susannah is perhaps a bit too old-fashioned, but I think the incident the other week involving Stewart Milne and a photo from a porn magazine went beyond the realms of good taste and good humour.  If you didn’t hear about this or see the photo in the Sun newspaper, Stewart Milne ran into some AFC fans on the way to a match at a road stop.  The fans asked Mr Milne to pose with them for a photo or two, and unbeknownst to Stewart, one of the fans held a pornographic magazine over his head, showing a woman in a state of undress!

Now I have as good a sense of humour as the next person (if that person isn’t Kate Dean or Kevin Stewart), but think how that must have felt!  That poor woman agreed to pose for the soft porn magazine, but no one ever asked her permission before her image was used over Milne’s head.  Now she is forever associated with Stewart Milne, and I’m afraid the stain may never leave her.  How would you feel?  Could you face your family and friends?  Someone should send her an apology forthwith.

Minority (noun): Quantity of persons or objects representing less than half of a total given population.  To mention Mr Milne again, he’s been in the news just now making an ACSEF of himself.   Milne seems to be Stewing because ‘a minority’ of people are holding up the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route.

Road Sense, it would seem, have concerns over building the AWPR – something to do with no one knowing for sure exactly where it will go (remember the public ‘consultation’ routes which were all discarded after the ‘roadshows’?), what this road will cost, who is going to pay for it, how much environment (going through greenbelt and SAC areas) will be lost or fragmented, how much extra pollution it will mean, and how long it will take to build.  Really now, these arguments are just nitpicking.  Milne says it’s the minority who are opposed to this road – and as he’s shown with his ACSEF role, if the majority want something, that should be respected.  Minorities should not, it seems, have any legal right if these rights might challenge what either the alleged majority – or more importantly ACSEF – wants.  We know that the majority of people want the ring road because ACSEF and NESTRANS say so, which eliminates the need for any tedious voting or asking taxpayers what they want.  Or, heaven forbid, another consultation.

Majority (noun): Quantity of persons or objects representing more than half of a total given population.  Majorities should not, it seems, have any legal right to challenge what the minority wants.  For instance, a massive ‘no’ vote was delivered by three elected community councils to the plans to concrete over the land at Loirston to put up a 21,000 seat stadium; the public were asked about it, and an open meeting held at a local hotel was packed with hundreds of people who resoundingly voted against the plan.  It should be remembered, however, that our own Kate Dean was at that meeting, and she thinks one person in the room of hundreds wanted to put his hand up.  The 150 plus people who wrote in to object formally to the stadium plans shouldn’t really be counted either.

Another dangerous majority whose wishes should be ignored are the so-called ‘Friends of Union Terrace Gardens’.  We know that despite a public ‘consultation’ which might have slightly been skewed in favour of building a carpark on the gardens, the majority of respondents want the gardens left undeveloped.  These two examples point out why we need ACSEF – majority rule is a bad idea.  If only people were smart enough to realise how much money Loirston and UTG mean for Stewart Milne, then they would favour them.  Because we’d all get rich.  And have iconic structures.  And tourists would flood Aberdeen.  It is unknown how or when it was decided that Aberdeen should sprawl outwards and upwards until it resembled any other badly designed modern city, but clearly that is what our Planners have in mind.  I hope this spells out that sometimes the majority is right and sometimes the minority is right – it all depends which group a certain developer falls into at the time.

Hospitality (noun): The act of taking or offering gifts such as concert tickets, alcohol, flights and accommodation.  People in public office should be careful not to accept too much hospitality, but in times of austerity or budget cuts, accepting hospitality with any frequency will let the people know you are still there, and that there is still fun to be had in the city – even if all the pools, libraries, parks and greenbelt land is going.  I am personally cheered up each time I know Kate Dean for instance is at a concert, having a dinner or trip, or being gifted a bottle of booze – it’s a feel-good factor we can all appreciate.

Does Ms Dean take much hospitality?  Below is a partial list which shows what she’s reported for 2009 and 2010.  I have to say that this list was apparently last updated in June 2010 – but it is rather strange that Ms Dean has had such a drastic cut in hospitality between the two years (only two events/gifts in 2010).  I know she no longer holds the full reigns [sic] of power, but either she is extremely busy doing such good work that she has no free time, or her former contacts have for some reason dropped her like a hot potato.

Next week:  Grampian National Health Service special:  a shot in the arm.

 

KATE DEAN – GIFTS/HOSPITALITY RECEIVED

Received From

Date Registered

Short Description of gift/hospitality

Approximate Value

First Aberdeen

19/01/09

Dinner Dance at Ardoe House. Accompanied by Mr B Dean on 19/2/09.

Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown

UK Trade & Investment in partnership with Aberdeen City Council and National Subsea Research Institute

29/1/09

Welcoming the Oil and Gas Subsea Technology to the UK – Drinks reception and formal dinner at Elphinestone Hall 12/2/09

Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown

Aberdeen Asset Management

19/2/09

Invitation to attend the City of Aberdeen Universities Boat Race including buffet reception 28/2/09

Invitation accepted/ Cost unknown

The Parachute Regimental Association, Aberdeen Branch

3/6/09

Invitation to a Remembrance Service at Aberdeen Kirk of St Nicholas for the occasion of the Airborne Forces Day (Scotland) Service of Worship & Remembrance on 28/6/09

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Aberdeen University

3/6/09

Invitation to Dinner at Zeste at Crombie Halls for the Aberdeen University Summer Graduations 2009 on 8/6/09

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Watkins Development

 

…………………………………….

11/6/09

Presented with an engraved trowel at the occasion of the Union Square Top-Out Ceremony on 10/6/09

Gift accepted / approx cost £12

 

…………………………………

AP Management Consultants

11/6/09

Invitation to a Business Breakfast at the Thistle Aberdeen Airport Hotel on 17/6/09

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Councillor John Stewart

13/08/09

Scottish Enterprise’s Official Opening and Tour of the Energy Development Centre on Tuesday 18 August 2009

Attending on behalf of Cllr John Stewart / cost unknown

Innovation Norway

03/09/09

Taste of Norway Reception at the Marcliffe Hotel on 09/09/09

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Professional Contractors Group, 280 Bath Road, West Drayton

04/09/09

Offshore Europe Oil and Gas Exhibition Reception at Aberdeen Copthorne Hotel on 08/09/09

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Belinda Miller, Enterprise, Planning & Infrastructure, Aberdeen City Council

10/09/09

Invitation to join the Aberdeen City Council table at the Northern Star Business Awards on Thursday 24/09/09 in the Press & Journal Arena at the AECC, including reception

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

North Lanarkshire Council

28/09/09

Invitation from the Lord Provost and Councillors of North Lanarkshire Council to a Civic Reception and Dinner being held on Thursday 22/10/09 in the Hilton Strathclyde Hotel.

Invitation accepted/ cost unknown

Mr S Clarkson, Proprietor, The College

17/09/09

Drinks whilst watching Scotland-v-Macedonia football match on 05/09/09

Accepted (estimated £20)

Sound

13/10/09

Invitation to the Launch of the Sound Festival 2009 concert with pre-concert drinks

Decline/ cost unknown

Hammerson

13/10/09

Invitation to the pre-breakfast launch and official opening of Union Square on 29 October 2009

Accepted the invitation to the official opening but declined the pre-breakfast launch / cost unknown

David McLetchie MSP and The Place2Be

13/10/09

Invitation to an evening drinks reception in the Garden Lobby, Scottish Parliament on 11/11/09 to celebrate the 15th Anniversary of ThePlace2Be

Declined/ cost unknown

Brewin Dolphin

04/11/09

Annual Cocktail Party on 26th November 2009; Drinks and canapés at Aberdeen Art Gallery

Invitation Declined/ cost unknown

Leo Chong and Alistair Leitch

04/11/09

Discussion of future trade links on 4th November 2009; lunch at Saigon restaurant

Invitation Accepted/ cost unknown

Evening Express

04/11/09

General discussion with Damian Bates, Editor, on 27th October 2009; coffee

Invitation Accepted/ cost unknown

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Britain’s Got Talent on 23rd June 2009.

Accepted

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Neil Young concert on 24th June 2009.

Accepted – passed to ACC staff

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Snooker Tournament on 15th October 2009.

Accepted

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Gladys Knight concert on 20th October 2009.

Accepted

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Michael McIntyre Tour on 26th October 2009.

Accepted

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Eddie Izzard Tour on 4th November 2009.

Accepted – passed to friends.

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to The Proclaimers concert on 7th November 2009.

Accepted

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Kasabian concert on 11th November 2009.

Accepted – passed to friends.

AECC

23/11/09

4 tickets to Clubland on 27th November 2009.

Accepted – passed to family

Aberdeen Chinese Community Centre

12/02/10

Aberdeen Chinese New Year Celebration dinner and entertainment on 16 Feb 2010

Accepted – cost unknown

National Prayer Breakfast for Scotland

23/03/10

22nd National Prayer Breakfast for Scotland on 2 June 2010 with Rt Hon Alex Salmond MSP, First Minister of Scotland

Declined

 

The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It – But We Don’t

 Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It – But We Don’t
Feb 182011
 

The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It, But as George Anderson points out, We Don’t.

There are more words in the Oxford English Dictionary than a hyperactive auctioneer could get through in a lifetime – half a million to be precise. Yet there are thousands of circumstances that have no words to describe them at all. This simply isn’t fair.

Take the occasionally errant behaviour of the toes for example.

Who has not made a futile attempt to climb into our underpants of a morning, still half asleep?  Only to find that no matter how wide the leg hole, nor how well aimed the foot, your little toe and its next-door neighbour will conjure themselves open like repelling magnets to grip the waistband of the pant with the ferocity of a Barbary Coast lobster?

Nine times out of ten this will result in falling backwards over the edge of the bed into the laundry basket to the accompaniment of your favourite oath. There is a ten percent chance of course, that you will miss the laundry basket altogether, and end up testing the integrity of your cranium on the radiator housing.

Now surely something as life threatening as this should have a word to describe it. So, may I humbly propose to the OED word number 500,001:

Tobermory (noun);
The near supernatural ability of one’s toes to conspire against the wearing of their owner’s underpants.

If only there was some way to forecast when your toes might take against you in this way you could save yourself a lot of stress – not to mention a nasty skull fracture – by just going commando for the day.

Feb 112011
 

As Valentines Day appraoaches,  Voice’s Rhonda Reekie shows us all how easy it is to show your undying love to your partner at the same time as your love for the planet.

Thousands of cards are sent on Valentines Day; make sure yours is made of card from sustainable forests and is printed using eco-friendly inks.

Better still make your own card – nothing says ‘I love you’ like a card made out of toilet roll, Pritt stick and stick man drawings (Hey ‘Purple Ronnie’ made a fortune from it!).

Make sure any chocolate you buy for your loved ones is organic and Fair Trade – okay, they are more expensive, but they taste better, and how much are you actually going to eat once you have scraped the melted chocolate off the bedsheets!

Going out for a meal? If you are, then go to a restaurant that serves organic and local produce.  Even better and cheaper: stay at home and cook them their favourite meal, then you choose your own music, candles and wine. You may not even make it to the pudding ….. and hey, you can’t do that in a restaurant without getting arrested!

Buying flowers? Tthen buy local flowers in season like daffodils or tulips, not ‘bird of paradise’ flowers from halfway round the globe. It is a good idea to buy a potted plant or even plant a tree or shrub for them – that way every time they see it, it will remind them of your love for them (take care not to let it die though – who wants to remember their love as shrivelled and dried up!).

For the misers out there, there are many free ways to express your devotion on Valentines: how about a hand-made voucher book – you paste in free voucher which can be reclaimed at any point – for instance, to do the dishes, get the shopping, put out the rubbish, feed the cats, etc.
This one is better for blokes, as most women do these things all the time anyway, and I would personally insist my husband’s book included a few free vouchers for cleaning the toilet!

Offer to give a massage or run a bath and fill it full of planet friendly smellies , get in and share it!   Write a poem for your beloved – emphasising their goods points; their kindness and their beauty – poems about their cuddly beer bellies, muffin tops or the way they drool when asleep do not go down well, and are not romantic!

Don’t go too far on the cheapness though; if you are planning to propose that day, then make sure the ring has a conflict- free diamond, and don’t do as one of my associates did and offer a sustainable carved wooden ring – needless to say they did not get married – you can go too far!!

Jan 072011
 

By Bob Smith.

I switched on my computer
Ae cauld December day
Fit I found on ma screen
Fair filled me wi dismay

“Yer affa low on disk space”
The bubble it me did tell
I sat an scratched ma heid
An some obscenities did yell

I tried ma best ti recover space
By deletin’ some o ma files
It didna mak muckle odds
I wis losin space in style

Gweed fowk gied me suggestions
An them I aa then used
By the time I wis feenished
I wis gettin’ mair confused

Doon an doon the GB’s wint
Till I wis near despair
I punched in iss, I punched in aat
An tuggit oot tufts o hair

The laptop it his nearly been
Fair chukkit in the bin
Bit fegs I’m an Aiberdonian
Throwin’ siller awa is a sin

So ma freens I’m noo affline
Cos I canna doonload at speed
The computer’s in for an MOT
So disk space can be freed

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

Dec 312010
 

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Aberdeen is such a cool city.  Make that frozen.  For those of you with snowshoes, ice skates or skis who have been able to make it out of your homes, you may have noticed a few minor problems.  There may have been one or two late-running buses during rush hour.

A few flights and trains couldn’t run.  Nearly two and a half thousand of us have had frozen pipes in our homes, including Old Susannah, who couldn’t find a plumber who wasn’t fully booked up.

Therefore a “thank you very much” to the brains at ‘Wayne’s Drains’ for giving such great help over the telephone; with their guidance I was able to avoid a burst pipe.

For a few days I had no running water which was a great adventure.  I do apologise for turning in such a short ‘Dictionary Corner’ this week but I have three days’ worth of washing, cleaning and mopping up awaiting me.  Sorry!  It was messy and no fun at all clearing the pipes, and if I never see a U-bend or a tub of ‘Plumber’s Mait’ putty again it will be too soon. Still, I was much better off than an acquaintance who had a frozen toilet.  He wound up in quite a mess.  Speaking of messes…

Local Development  Plan: The Local Development Plan, or ‘LDP’ to its friends, sets out the realistic, wonderful future for Aberdeen.  There are goals such as doubling the City’s population, building thousands of new homes, and making a ‘community stadium’ on Loirston Loch (NB – Old Susannah cannot as yet find a definition of what a ‘community stadium’ is).  Part of this ingenious plan is to always have land available to developers for creating industrial estates – again,

I always thought land was a finite commodity, and that we still had such a thing as ‘greenbelt land’.  Apparently the ‘Planners’ don’t happen to agree.  As a voter in Aberdeen, you were presumably made aware that your elected representatives would create this plan, only I can’t seem to find anything to back that up as yet.

You could also be forgiven for thinking that the local, elected Community Councils get asked what they’d like to see  – or not see – in the plans from the earliest stages.  Apparently there is a ‘statutory duty’ for Community Councils to be consulted for matters in their areas.  The truth is that the developers (hmm – can we think of any influential local developers?) and the planning chiefs sit down and invent the whole thing without bothering the elected Community Councils – the rationale for this seems to be that the Community Councils get a chance to object later on.

Where would the needy ‘All Energy Aberdeen’ have been had we not spent over £9K on a wine, beer and juice reception

This is a bit like the farmer objecting to the gate after the horse has bolted.  Therefore the ‘community stadium’ planners had a budget of our money capped at approximately £250,000 to spend to investigate the pros and cons of the deal.  Had they asked the local councils first, they might well have been told to scrap the idea.

But remember, consultants have to make a living, too.  It’s quite funny how the pros (like a big, shiny, new, red-glowing building where Aberdeen Football Club can astound 22,000 people with previously unsuspected footballing skills) are made to be realistic and important, and the cons – such as loss of wildlife habitat, urban sprawl, traffic and expense don’t seem nearly as important.

Of course, the community councils get to comment later in the ‘consultation’ process, during which their opinions are given the consideration that they are worth.  For Loirston Loch’s destruction, they get a maximum input at the public hearing of 30 minutes per council.  I hope they can talk fast.  (Old Susannah will be getting up to have her say about the ‘community stadium’ at this public hearing, which is on 14 January at the Town House City Council offices on Broad Street at 09:30.  If you’ve nothing better to do than see Old Susannah talking to a brick wall, do come along).

Hospitality: Dictionary definitions for the noun ‘hospitality’ describe it as meaning “… hospitable treatment, reception, or disposition .”  Do not let anyone tell you there is any truth in the stereotype that the Scots are not generous and hospitable; Aberdeen City has definitely dispelled that myth.  It might have done so using your tax money, but it’s money well spent.  It shows the rest of the world how prosperous we are.  Secondly, as previously established, our Lord Provost is worried about being embarrassed or looking foolish – which is why he and his wife need a generous clothing allowance and why he wants us to take Sir Ian Wood’s £50 million for the Union Terrace car park.

Let’s look at some of the hospitality we dished out last year.  On the one hand, we only spent £129,472.5 pence according to the City.  On the other hand, one wonders if it was all necessary.  We threw events for councillors and a whole host of special interest groups.  Where would the needy ‘All Energy Aberdeen’ have been had we not spent over £9K on a wine, beer and juice reception for it at the AECC?  You and I gladly paid for the ‘Aberdeen Sports Person of the Year Awards’ at the Beach Ballroom where some 275 luminati had dinner and drinks for £9,774.25.

Lest we forget, the City just recently had to stump up an extra £64K or so for the international football programme’s going over budget.  I can’t really complain, we attracted an amazing array of footballing talent, including Birmingham City.  We still don’t have enough money to keep our schools or have children continue with music lessons.  We might have to close our parks (or turn them into something profitable).  I have no doubt that our elected officials who dutifully attend these drinkfests stick to water and soft drinks; they might wind up  useless,  sozzled and brain-addled otherwise; thankfully this hasn’t happened as yet.

However, let’s raise a glass to the forty plus drinks events we held last year.  Cheers!

Dec 232010
 

By Dave Watt.

Agricola’s invasion of Scotland and the North of England in 83AD was accompanied by an extensive supply fleet which moved up the east coast of the country landing in rivers, inlets and bays. Being Romans and consequently, like conquerors everywhere, regarding themselves as being far more civilised than the hapless natives, they were inspired to name geographical features according to their own notions.

The east coast of Northern England was referred to as the’ Land of Tattooed People’ owing to the natives’ exotic and widely varied body decorations. In this the Iron Age farmers and hunters of the region were probably a bit more inventive and original than modern Premier League footballers who confine their tattoos to their girlfriend’s name written in really naff upper case Gothic text on the inside of their forearms. However, as there are sticks of rhubarb more capable of original thought than professional footballers this is very little for the Iron Age Geordie or Mackem to pat themselves on the back about.

Moving north into Scotland the modern Firth of Forth was referred to as the ‘Firth of Silence’ probably generating the ongoing Glaswegian calumny that there’s more life in a Glasgow funeral than at an Edinburgh wedding.  Pausing only to build a mega-fort at Inchtuthil near Dundee the combined fleet and the 9th Legion moved further north into the land of the Taexali eventually arriving at an area separated by two rivers.  The larger southernmost river the Romans called the Deva meaning ‘The Goddess’ and the nearby settlement at the estuary of the river was called Devana or ‘Mouth of The Goddess’.

Other Roman writings refer to it as variously Verniconam, Abredonia and Aberdonium at various points

This became a large supply port for the Roman army as they advanced up the coast and into the Grampian Highlands and was no doubt looked upon a beacon of civilisation to overawe the backward, selfish, and treacherous Philistines that inhabited the region.

In this it was largely successful for nearly two millenia until the Philistines had their revenge by building Norco House and have since tried to dump a million tons of concrete into Union Terrace Gardens.

Devana seems to have remained its name for several centuries – Ptolemy in 146 AD referring to the town as being the capital of the land of the Taexali whose tribal area which stretched from the Tay across the region and up towards the Keith/Banff area where the next tribe (the Vacomagi) lived. However, other Roman writings refer to it as variously Verniconam, Abredonia and Aberdonium at various points.

The next mention of the place is in a saga about a Viking jarl called Einar Skulason who’s longboats sacked and pillaged the place in 1153 where it is referred to in Old Norse as ‘Apardion’. The Vikings being men of action and very few words ‘Apardion’ actually means ‘The place where we rowed to for  three bloody days into the teeth of a North Sea gale and came away with a lump of very hard stone, a gourd of some greasy black stuff that tastes like shit and a big fish’*

Acta est fabula, Io Saturnalia

*Not really.