May 252015
 

One of Scotland’s fastest-rising young stars in Hollywood is actor Declan Michael Laird. Awarded a fully-funded place at the Stella Adler Academy of Acting based on his performance at a workshop, he’s been busy ever since. Now it seems he’s set his sights on more than acting. Declan talks to Suzanne Kelly.

DeclanLairdpic (1)At age 21 most of us didn’t have a clue what we wanted to do for our career.

Childhood dreams of being a ballet dancer, cowboy or an astronaut were being swapped for aspirations of a more practical kind. For those who wanted careers in sports, arts or entertainment; well-meaning family, friends and school advisors were probably trying to talk them out of it.

‘Too much competition,’ ‘No reliable prospects,’ ‘No money to be made for most people in that field’ would be some of the sensible persuasions used to veer young people towards surer, more conservative jobs.

Luckily for Declan, his family stood by his dreams. Initially he sought a career in football, and was doing well until an injury brought his pro career to an abrupt end. 

His second career choice? Acting. And his family stood by him again.

A mixture of support, perseverance and lashings of talent got him roles in River City, short films, and a prestigious scholarship to the legendary Stella Adler Academy of Acting in LA.

If luck plays a part in his meteoric rise, it is the kind of luck that comes from working hard, networking, and trying new things. With offers coming in faster and faster, you might think that sticking to acting alone would be Laird’s game plan; it isn’t.

Declan and I find a chance to speak for half an hour; he’s on his way from one appointment to the next. I’ve done a little advance homework, and am pleased for him when I see that at the ripe age of 21, he’s got his own Wikipedia entry. He’s always keen to talk about what he’s doing, but tonight he’s even more so; his voice is just that bit more excited; he’s speaking just that bit faster.

What do you discuss first with a Scotsman living abroad?  The weather, of course.  I bemoan the unpredictable time we’re having weather wise and the end of April snows we briefly had.

How’s the weather in LA?

“California’s been in a drought; but now something like a year and a half’s worth of water fell in a day.  All the roads are flooded.  When it rains here, it’s as if people have never seen it before.  It’s carnage; it’s like a futurist film.”

What are you up to right now?

“Right now I’m driving to Stella Adler for two reasons.  One – I’ve got work coming up in July, so I am brushing up and making sure I’m in class and all the mechanisms are well oiled.  But also two –  my photo has been put up on the Stella Adler walls.  They put up pictures of alumni such as Mark Ruffalo, Salma Hayek and Robert De Niro and now I’m up there as well.  I’ve got a huge smile on my face. “

Laird does sound like he’s smiling and on the verge of happy laughter; he continues:

“I remember coming here three and a half years ago and looking at the wall and hoping someday my face would be there.  The Head of School John Jack called last week and told me to bring up a head shot.

“I’m in a class right now called Character Class; the idea is to push yourself to new limits.  They assign you something completely different than what you would usually be cast as.  I’m playing in Homebody/Kabul by Tony Kushner. I am a 35 year-old heroin addict in Afghanistan. I can grow a decent beard but it’s funny; last night my mum texted me and asked what I was doing. I replied ‘researching heroin’. She thought I was talking about heroines – she didn’t get it.”

Laird’s got a lot on his mind; it’s coming out.

“I’ll launch into what’s going on. I booked a pilot which films in the Nassau in the Bahamas. I go out on 30 July, and the production company manning that are Stone Village. The executive producer Scott Steindorff and he’s a pretty big deal.   He was producer of the television show ‘Las Vegas’; he did ‘Lincoln Lawyer’; he’s a pretty big deal.

“I’m a series regular.  It is on location at a new Bahamas resort – the biggest and most expensive resort in the world.  It’s not open yet; it opens this summer.  It is a casino hotel.  The story is to do with the employees, the ins and outs and things that go on good and bad.   The actor playing the head of the resort is a guy called Rick Fox.  He’s an actor now but is a LA Laker’s Hall of Famer and a sports pundit.”

After pausing for breath Declan seems to be thinking aloud when he muses:

“How the hell am I managing to be paid to go to the Bahamas?”

Have you got anything else in the works?

DeclanLairdpic (2)I ask, even though I can tell he’s bursting to tell me more news.

I’m aware that Laird is also a brand ambassador in the US for Scottish brands ‘Kennett Timepieces’ and ‘Dumore Scotland’.

To me this seems like a lot of juggling for a 21 year old fledgling actor; but there has never been any hint of stress or pressure in our conversations or correspondence.

“When I come back I have three other projects, so it’s all on the go.  There’s a short film ‘What Happens at Night’ and the director is Gordon Maniskas.  Basically I play a new vampire that hasn’t made its first prey.  They want to do the festival circuit ; he’s a great director.  There’s such a huge built in market with it; people love it.  I like the ‘Twilight’ movies, but never got the huge appeal.  But if people like it, I can go with it –  I can go around biting people.”

I can hear the amusement in his voice at the idea of being a vampire; I’m sure he’ll make a far more complex, frightening and alluring one than some of the recent teen vampire actors have managed.

“I’m signed on for a movie, ‘The Rectory’ a horror about Harry Price, who was the first well-known paranormal investigator. It’s looking for the last bit of funding, and looks likely to shoot in January next year but seems like a million miles away. This summer hopefully there’s another movie I’ve booked. 

“The script is in pre-production; it’s called ‘Isolation’ and that’s going to be directed by Peter Foldy, who is Canadian. ‘Isolation’ is a psychological thriller aimed at late teens.  Sean, my character is a nasty piece of work. It seems to be the kind of role I fall into. Sean looks clean-cut but is maybe, well a bit of a dick. This month filming the ‘Kali the King’ – a supporting role.

“It’s amazing out here the saying is ‘work creates work’ and I never knew what that meant. But the guy from the Chevy film [Laird had a Chevrolet commercial] called my agent and offered me the part.

“I think it really makes a difference- if you show up on time, are polite and punctual, they want to work with you in the future. Kali the King is a movie about an ex sort of drug cartel leader in east LA trying to go clean; I upset him by accident and it may or may not cost me my life.

“On the other side of things I’m really broadening out. I’m working with Dylan Russell, a big film producer; I play on his footie team on Sundays sometimes. I am learning about producing and writing, and I’m in writing classes right now. I really enjoy it.  I’ve a few things on the go – producing and writing a very dark medical-based drama set in east LA doing with Dakota Lupo; he’s very successful.”

We discuss how working on one kind of creative endeavour can bring new, previously unsuspected insight and depth to other areas of work.

“It informs what you’re doing – I think you really have to be smart about it; it’s no use to dedicating time to writing if it takes time away from acting, but there are so many channels – Yahoo!, Netflix, etc., it may be easier to sell things.  But you really have to be passionate and I’m passionate.  I’m not writing roles for myself;  if I love the story I go with it.”

I intend asking what he thinks of the recent events back home from the SNP landslide to Celtic’s season – but I sense he’s not done yet discussing his projects.  And he’s definitely not.

“This summer I’ve just got optioned the life rights to the true story of one particular gentleman who was in a Budapest WW2 concentration camp. I am going to go to Budapest this August to do some research and Melbourne later this year to meet with him.  We’ll try to adopt his story into a movie, and I have a few different producers working with me on this.

“I’m doing that in August because I’ll be back then after the Bahamas.  I’m also doing a thing at the Edinburgh Film Festival.  The literary death match is very popular in the US.  Three writers write short stories and three actors go up and perform the stories or speak, and have three judges who decide which story / delivery was best.  The Edinburgh Film Festival got in touch and asked me to be a judge.

I am producing that short film with Dakota Lupo which will film across Scotland in Glasgow and Aberdeen and then Paris.  We will be casting for that when we’re here.  It will be fun to cast and be on that side of things.  It’s a comedy short; about 12 minutes but we’ll do it across Scotland and day’s filming in Paris.  That’s called ‘The Wake Up’.

“My plan is to come to Europe for 3 weeks between Budapest and whatnot and filming ‘The Wake Up’ and get casting, and hopefully spending 4-5 days at home to do nothing.  So from now until the end of the year it’s kind of mad.  It’s good. I’m getting joy in my classes.”

Home for Declan is with his family, just outside of Glasgow. I don’t see Laird getting either bored or jaded any time in the next few decades. The calibre and diversity of the projects is enviable, and will undoubtedly add considerable further strings to his bow.

Tell me please how Camp Abercorn is coming along? This is a web-based, crowd-funded series based loosely on scouting, and has had support of thousands of people – including George Takei.

“I think it’s wrapped for now; to be honest I’ve not heard much recently. I think they’re shopping it around. Up fronts are when all the pilots get sold to the networks. From what I saw the producers are still to sell it to a network. You just never know. If I get a nice phone call one day, then that’s great.”

I am conscious that time is marching on, and he’ll be at his alma mater soon, but I get a chance to ask what plays he’s reading, what films he’s seen.

“I’ve seen Mad Max’ – I’m very lucky that I’m in the BAFTA Newcomer Programme and get to go to screenings for free which is nice. ‘Mad Max’ was last night and it was absurdly fantastic. It was non-stop action start to finish; truly crazy; it was so fast moving it was almost as if I needed to have a rest after it.”

The film stars Tom Hardy; I know Declan’s about to talk about him. Laird’s previously mentioned Hardy with great admiration.

Tom Hardy – if someone had to ask me who I’d base my career on, I’d say him. I feel stupid saying this because he’s a huge star; but I’ve followed him for a while now, and now he’s popular everywhere. It’s like when you hear a song first and knew it was going to be massive, but you were one of the first to have heard it.”

Declan’s feeling about Hardy – which he admits is a kind of childish/possessive ‘I was the first to discover this’ feeling is wholly understandable. When you’ve found someone and were struck by their talent before the rest of the world recognised it, you do feel a bit proud, a bit possessive, a bit like you don’t want to be seen as just someone who got on the bandwagon late.

Truth be told, within a year tops it’s exactly, precisely how I am going to feel about having been introduced to Declan Laird so early in his career.

I can’t wait for our next conversation to see what he’s up to next.

Keep up to date with Declan on twitter.

May 012015
 

Jonny Paterson is a Scottish film producer working in Hollywood, going from strength to strength. His talents and potential are acknowledged by the Bafta Newcomers programme Paterson’s producing ‘Halfway’, a greatly-anticipated film starring Quinton Arron, and has a few other irons in the fire. I have to remind myself he’s 27. Aberdeen Voice catches up with him following our interview one year ago to find out what’s next for him. By Suzanne Kelly.

Jonny_and_Ben_Caird_Director_aScotland’s mutual love affair with Hollywood shows no signs of abating, and there is every sign that the next generation of creatives are emerging to carry on this tradition. James McAvoy, Declan Laird, Aberdeen’s own Rose Leslie.. the list of Scots talent in front of the camera is impressive.

On the other side, young producers like Jonny are likewise making huge strides forward.

Paterson’s in the midst of several important projects when we speak. I somehow missed his email asking if we could reschedule; he doesn’t even mention this when I phone. 

Aside from the crucial and deadline-sensitive work in which I find him embroiled, he and his girlfriend have just recently moved home.

Moving house is acknowledged as one of the top ten most stressful things people do; how you do that in a foreign country while producing films in a super-competitive environment as a twenty-something  astonishing to me. But here he is on the phone, managing it all and sounding enthused yet relaxed.

Jonny, where are you and what are you doing this week?

“I’m in West Hollywood; I’m the producer of Halfway and I have been working on a cut of the film. We have a team of executive producers guiding us through the post-production process, and we hope to show them something by the end of this week. Whenever you have a deadline you’re right up against it – but Halfway is coming along nicely.

“We filmed the movie in October 2014, and went straight into the editing room and we are still editing the film. It’s typical that that might take 6 months.  We’re now 5 months into it, and are close to a picture lock. A picture lock is when the team decides the visual film is there the next bit is sound design, then colour grade, then music.”

It seems to me that the themes which I understand Halfway will deal with are extremely timely given social problems America is wrestling with; please tell me more about the issues.

“Halfway commentates on many problems, in particular the huge socio-economic issue created by recidivism. The term defines the ongoing conveyor belt of young men and women who come out of prison and then find themselves without opportunities. They wind up back inside. Research shows that within 3 years of being released 66% are re-arrested for a similar crime, then in another 5 years 75% are rearrested. 

“Within Afro-American communities the figures are frightening, accounting for a significant social disparity. Of the 2.4m incarcerated Americans (largest number of any democratic country in the world), 2/3 of them are made up of Afro-Americans and Hispanics, while they only account for around 28% of the population at large.”

(I know that the privatised American prison system, longstanding prejudices, the gap between haves and have-nots, and the extreme difficulty of people with a criminal record are the fuel for this problem – but I had no idea the figures were this high.  The  current events in Baltimore for me make this subject even more timely and important.)  Tell me more about the story line please.

Production_Still_1_av“’Halfway’ is about a recently released convict who upon being released from prison, finds himself trapped between his urban criminal past and his new life on probation as the only black man in a conservative white Wisconsin farming town.  ‘Halfway’ in essence attempts to show an American Dream story of social movement and rejection of his past transgresses through physical hard work in this new and alien environment, where the outsider element at the core of the film is race.”

“I find perception and discrimination due to race fascinating. Clearly the United States still has a problem with race relations in many parts of the country, and whilst I cannot try and tackle everything in this film, I certainly wish to pose some poignant social questions.

“Should our past actions allow for prejudice against us? Can we expect to be absolved of all blame simply because we have served our punishment? Is a small, largely ignorant microsociety incapable of change? Can people prove to others who are pre-programmed against them that their views are misguided?”

For a guy who’s got a crucial pressing deadline, and who’s just moved house, Paterson’s voice is calm, enthusiastic, and words come to him without any hesitation.

Jonny, how was working with Quinton?

Quinton_Aaron_in_the_backgrounQuinton Aaron is from a modest background, he grew up in the Bronx area of New York – he’s  a very interesting guy. He had an interesting childhood – he was bullied for being big – a lot of that stuff makes him a very compassionate man. He got involved with this project because he believes in this film’s message.  Quinton’s a massive asset to us, first and foremost Quinton’s a very gifted actor, and his performance is very strong. It will be instrumental in leading the film to any commercial/critical acclaim.

“His involvement during this stage is limited, he has to wait like everyone else, but he’s ready to spring back into action when we need him for marketing.”

I suggest that someone like Paterson is already looking to his next fence in terms of projects.  In point of fact, one reason I’m keen to talk to him again is that there has been a sudden surge in the popularity of the interview we did a year ago.  Then again, I simply want to know how his many plans are coming along.

Jonny, what are some of your future projects and plans?

“We just internationally announced that we’re making a film in Ireland, ‘The Scavengers’. It is a project that I’ve actually been working on for longer than I have on ‘Halfway’, which is pretty par for the course with filmmaking as I’m finding out! That’s going to probably be the next project for me; everyone involved is passionate about it. 

“With my experiences on Halfway now banked and stored for life, I feel in a much better position to move forward with my next project. I somewhat know what I’m actually doing now!  It’s been a productive time for me, being able to leverage my experience on ‘Halfway’ on this new project”

I wonder whether he’ll have time to continue his involvement in Football Aid, an established charity his father established over ten years ago, so I ask about it.

“Football Aid is still an important part of my life and the big news in the last few months is that my dad the chairman stepped down from his role after 12 years. Daniel Geey replace him he’s a London based lawyer and a wonderful guy. Dad felt Football Aid was in need of fresh blood; and it’s taking its natural course in that respect.

“We had our first event in Italy last year; we’ve got bigger and more Italian clubs are involved. We’re expanding into Europe to summarise.

“I’m still a director and board member, but I think aligning with my own current interests there’s discussion as to how to get into the USA. We have connections with L.A. Galaxy. It’s too early to say we’re in the US, but we are expanding in Europe”

Jonny, what have you been doing lately aside from your work?

“I just moved into a new apartment with my girlfriend. On a personal level, I’ve had a very productive six months. I’m just settling in here. I don’t have any plans to get to Scotland soon, but I will be back in the UK by the end of the year.”

It certainly sounds like a productive six months to me. It’s at this point that my computer advises me I’ve new email – it’s Jonny’s message saying he’s kind of busy and would I perhaps like to reschedule. With or without my seeing that message, I’d come to the conclusion that Paterson’s very busy indeed.

I draw our conversation to a close soon after, but I am certain that when we next speak, that he’ll have been just as busy, that he’ll have a few sensational successes under his belt and that he will have further exciting new projects on his to do list.

Apr 032015
 

I watched Fury (Saving Private Ryan with Tanks) starring Brad Pitt as something of a howling sh*t tank commander at the weekend and while the CFG special effects were great and the tension sky-high the plotline was distinctly iffy, opines ‘Voice’s Dave Watt.

Brad-Pitt-in-Fury-Movie-poster-featThe Better Educated Young White Middle Class Hero Who Usually Survives in a Hollywood Movie – like Corporal Upham in ‘Saving Private Ryan’  or Corporal Sledge in ‘Pacific’ he is the team intellectual who, in this case, is thrown into a tank crew having been a clerk for eight weeks.

He has never been in a tank before and he is the assistant driver?

There are no expendable ex-elementary school infantrymen who would be glad of an internal transfer?

Come on, if you’re that determined to waste a qualified clerk at least put him in the infantry where he can step on a Schu-mine and clear the way for a real infantryman. Play the game, HR.

The Crew – You simply don’t have to behave like Bluto to be part of a Tank crew. It’s not necessary to be eight foot high and covered in red hair with attitude – you’re in a metal tank with a 3″ thick armour and a 76mm gun for God’s sake!

You might as well be a shy, unassuming, five foot three trainee librarian with an interest in macrame. Perhaps the screenwriter found a couple of old Sven Hassel paperbacks holding up a table leg somewhere. Who knows.

I don’t know if tank crews in the Yank army really behaved in this posturing macho fashion towards new crewmen but British ones certainly didn’t if WWII tank crew like celebrated author Ken Tout and Michael Green (author of the Coarse Rugby books) are anything to go by.

Needless to say, following the approved Stephen Spielberg formula, as the film goes on the crew become a lot nicer and border on the maudlin and the downright mawkish if not schmaltzy by the end.

Bluto encounters a Tiger tank  – Even at this stage of the war the German tankies were doing a minimum twenty week training course and the cardinal rule which would have been drummed into them every day since 1940 would be –  ‘You do not fire when you are moving’.

1) The Tiger – opens fire and promptly brews up Tank #2

Brad Pitt orders the rest to put smoke down in front of the Tiger.

2) Bearing in mind the Tiger has the Shermans considerably outranged it has three choices :

a) Move back a couple of hundred yards behind the smoke and wait for the shooting gallery to appear through the smoke (best)
b) Stay where it is and wait for the shooting gallery to appear through the smoke (next best)
c) Advance through the smoke and fire while moving while reducing the firefight to a melee. (absolutely the worst – and because it’s Hollywood, what the Tiger does).

The mission – the tank squadron is ordered to guard a crossroads with no infantry, artillery or air support. Unusual. Very unusual as it’s April 1945 and by this point the Allies have air and artillery support coming out of their ears. However, by the time the tanks get to the crossroads there is, courtesy of the Tiger, only Pitt’s tank left which promptly runs on to a solitary mine.

Finding that they are about to be attacked by a battalion of SS infantry (apparently SS infantry Uruk-Hai as they didn’t seem to mind casualties one little bit) and only having the disabled tank the crew sensibly decide to vote with their feet before Brad shames them into staying.

Bugger the fact that it’s April 1945, what’s left of the German army is totally screwed in the west, the Soviets are in the suburbs of Berlin and this will make very little difference to the outcome of the war anyway. Brad does his High Noon shtick and the crew actually decide to stay, the idiots.

I remember once being in an office and (being the only ex-serviceman in the place) a guy had seen some film that involved some John Wayne type figure asking for volunteers for the heroic rearguard and him asking me if that was the case in real life and myself bursting into rather coarse laughter with the equally coarse words “F**k me, they wouldn’t get many fu**ing volunteers”, and pointing out that your unit would simply detailed as rearguard by the commanding general and your views on the matter were not generally canvassed.

Hollywood has a lot to answer for.

Anyway the SS Uruk-Hai repeatedly charge up to the disabled tank and are shot down in droves but eventually they overrun it and almost everyone dies heroically but quite picturesquely considering the mayhem which has preceded it. The exception is the young intellectual who presumably goes on to live a full and happy life teaching Ethics at Illinois University.

Roll credits.

For the benefit of those who may want to climb on their high horse and say I’m dissing WW2 tank crews – it’s okay, it’s only a film.

However,  I sat inside various Chieftains courtesy of Four Guards Armoured in my army days and thanked various dieties that I was in the Signals. You can’t see a bloody thing from inside a tank and if you are a tankie you’re always convinced there’s some bugger farting around under your armpit with an RPG-7. Not good.

For further reading – see a surprisingly good article in the Telegraph.

Feb 122015
 

Following on from last week’s Valentine’s Day themed column, Old Susannah is still feeling the love. After all, this is Aberdeen. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryTally ho! The Deen is awash in romance; you can smell it in the air. Then again, that might just be a nasty whiff coming in from the sewerage plant.

In major news, it seems that civilisation may not end if we don’t build a glass office building next to Marischal College. Millions of jobs were to go, connectivity would be lost, and we’d lose our vibrant and dynamic edge that our planners have worked so hard for a decade or so to give us. However, it seems that protestors may interfere with our modern progress. After all, when has the city ever ignored protestors before?

We can’t thank our planning supremos enough for making us the 2014 Carbuncle Award Winner. Surely now that we’ve got this award, the city of culture award can’t be far behind.

I’m sure the awards will start flooding in, just like all those extra tourists clogging the roads from the airport to Trump Links and MacLeod House.

In fact, with all the good feeling and love in the air, here’s a few affectionate definitions.

Mutual Admiration Society: (English Compound Noun) An assembly of like-minded groups or people to share affection and respect.

It would have been enough to restore anyone’s faith in human nature; I’m sorry my invite was somehow lost in the post. But this past week, Donald Trump, Aberdeen Journals Ltd, Damian Bates, and other journalism superstars got together to pat themselves on the back, and sing the praises of journalism today.

It was hugs and kisses all ‘round when 60 business leaders (<swoon!>) got together to sing the praises of the Scottish Newspaper Society.  These respected figures included Trump, as well as a few respectable figures from quangos and some nice banking VIPs.

And what do businessmen like most about our newspapers? Is it for impartiality, for thorough, unhindered, unbiased investigative journalism? Here’s what The Donald said:

“I’ve had my battles with the Scottish press and seen my fair share of tough headlines, but the impact of advertising in the Scottish media – particularly The Press and Journal and Evening Express – can’t be underestimated,”
– http://www.thedrum.com/news/2015/02/09/donald-trump-joins-scottish-business-figures-backing-campaign-scotlands-newspapers

What do the executives value? Advertising. What more can you want from a newspaper? Absorbency, I suppose.

That the Scottish Newspaper Society sought Trump’s endorsement doesn’t make the group  look at all uninformed, star-struck, advertising-starved or parochial.  After all, Trump does get into the papers now and then. In the rest of the world, it’s for reasons such as failing golf clubs, bankruptcy,  links to organised crime, lawsuits and environmental damage. But that’s just negative nit-picking by The Haters.

Here, executives, newspapers and little people like us love him because he flies into town and has a red carpet when he lands. It’s because he hired our local sweetheart Sarah Malone Bates and used her extensive golf and real estate experience to forge our boring coastline into something else. And not what has he given us? Billions of pounds, millions of jobs, put us on the map, and of course the world’s best golf course ever. Really.

Any battles he’s had with the Scottish press have sadly either faded from my ageing memory, or have not been with the Press & Journal: I wonder why? I guess love is blind.

You can see the full list of business figures backing Scottish newspapers on the Scottish Newspaper Society website – that will keep you busy for many happy hours.  Aberdeen Chamber of Commerce, Small Business Federation, Trump, etc. etc.: This is a mutual admiration society like no other.

COMPETITION TIME: How many organisations on this list have links to ACSEF? Answers on a (large) postcard; winner gets a BrewDog or a P&J – their choice.

And what does a paper do to earn this lavish praise from otherwise neutral billionaire Donald Trump? What kinds of riveting articles command his respect? What incisive slants on local stories are we being served up this week? Old Susannah is happy to serve up some examples.

“Aberdeen store could be turned into 5 smaller stores.” 

We’ll remember where we were when we heard this story.

And then if you want a good laugh (even if it’s at the victim’s expense), we had:

“Man found guilty of putting face in woman’s cleavage”

As the story advised:

“A MAN who clamped his mouth to a stranger’s chest during a night out has been ordered to carry out 150 hours of unpaid work. Remigiusz Zdziech was found guilty of putting his face in a woman’s cleavage while on a night out.

“The victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, felt “distressed and shaken” by the incident. Zdziech, 28, denied the offence but was found guilty.”  

I guess  what one paper describes as ‘putting face in woman’s cleavage/clamping a mouth to a stranger’s chest’ is what some of the rest of us might be tempted to call a sexual assault and leave the specifics out of it to spare the victim any further distress – but there you go. If it’s good enough for Damian Bates to publish, then it’s good enough for us to accept without question.

And yet somehow Old Susannah can’t help but feel there is just the slightest hint of sexism in the writing. But I’m just a silly old woman anyway.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: (English saying) – belief that being away from loved ones makes them love you more.

Never was a saying more true than this past week when our former Chief Executive Valerie Watts decided to play  hard to get. Our former leader was to have been questioned at a hearing into the letter sent out last year, wherein it was stated that the city council wanted to stay in the Union. Everyone missed Valerie tremendously. If anyone could have given an honest and complete explanation, it would have been her.

Indeed, when it comes to her honesty, it is beyond question by miles. And here’s just a small sample of why that’s so.

So what kept her from her beloved former city? In her current job in Belfast, the Permanent Secretary had invited her to a meeting. Picture how conflicted and torn she must have been! Choosing between a meeting with her new lovely boss and her old love of Aberdeen. Some say she could have chosen to meet the Permanent Secretary another time (perhaps for movie and a meal – not to rush into anything of course), and come here to see us. But she chose to make us wait.

We will be waiting, Valerie. The whole hearing has been kicked into the long grass by this femme fatale with her natural looking suntan and honest smile. Let’s hope next time she’s supposed to appear at a hearing on this matter she doesn’t have a pedicure or facial planned instead. See you soon Valerie. We’ll wait.

Erotic Love: (Compound English Noun) Form of affection or desire which is sexual in nature

What could say ‘I love you’ more than a few lashes with a leather cat ‘o nine tails? What says ‘I care’ more than a complicated set of ropes and pulleys? How best to demonstrate the ties that bind you to someone than by tying them up?

You won’t be aware of this due to the lack of hype, advertising and promotion, but a romantic film is about to hit the big screen (in a non-violent, loving sort of way). Fifty Shades of Gray is coming (ahem) to a cinema near you soon. Is it (as I already suggested on Facebook – sorry) just money for old rope? No, this spanking new spanking film is set to change how the middle classes do DIY.

Hard to believe, but I’m told the film is even more riveting than the dialogue in the book. I’d go see it myself, but I’m a little tied up right now.

Don’t worry though – it can’t possibly lead to any further lack of respect to women. How could it?

Have fun all you B&Q-ers; best get down to the superstore before they run out of winches, pulleys, rope, cord and chains. Say good bye to spontaneity with a few DIY projects that will have that spare bedroom all decked up as if it were a haunt of Jeffrey Archer’s.

But what happens when you and your beloved eventually fall out and have an argument? Will you feel stupid, used, creepy, lame, ashamed, cheap, weird? Of course not – off you’ll go to your mini-dungeon locked room, and the dominant one will be pulling the strings once more.

I’m sure no one will ever carry this too far, get hurt or need to call the fire department and the sanitation services. Have fun, and remember, love isn’t dead. It’s just gagged, blindfolded  and trussed up somewhere.

Happy Valentine’s Day all.

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Dec 192014
 

The finale of The Hobbit trilogy has arrived. Aberdeen Voice’s Andrew Watson reviews The Battle of the Five Armies.

vuepicsqThere was a sizeable audience at the Vue cinema on Shiprow for Sunday lunchtime’s showing, the film having being released on the previous Thursday.

I can’t say I was too impressed, to be honest. When the film came into swing I actually felt a tad deflated. Okay, there can’t be too much deviation, given that it’s based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s sizeable tome, but surely it could’ve been executed better?

As I say, it wasn’t the best. Yes, there were some excellent special effects, both during fight scenes and those rendering the setting, bringing to life the fantastical imagination of the acclaimed author. However, the only parts of note were the closing scenes.

I don’t mean that in a flippant way, as such. What I mean is that it was interesting to see how they tied it up for it to end almost seamlessly, so that it ushers in the beginning of The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Anyway, the crux of things is that disparate groups motivated by their own self interest are brought together to rally against a common enemy, the Orcs.

In it Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), leader of the Dwarves, is overtaken by lunacy trying to find the Arkenstone of Lonely Mountain. This is akin to the effect that The Ring had upon its holder, Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman).

Thorin cuts a lonely and divisive figure for most of the film, turning his back on the destitute people of Lake Town, their community ravaged by Smaug the dragon. The icy relations between Dwarves and Elves are worsened because of this.

A couple of plus points for the film are the depictions of both man and beast. Ian McKellen as Gandalf is under no scrutiny, naturally, for his acting ability. What really stood out and struck me was how haggard and bloodied he looked. The look of a beaten man, both physically and in life: his make-up team did an excellent job.

Furthermore, Benedict Cumberbatch is devilish as the eccentric and calculating dragon, Smaug. It’s not just his voice but the expert special effects, too, that achieve the full impact.

All in all, despite its positives, this outing really is eclipsed by its predecessors and the three other films that follow it chronologically.

Oct 032014
 

'When I Saw You' (film still) by Annemarie Jacir - Palestine, Jordan  2012Peacock Visual Arts presents a season of Middle East/North African films and an exhibition by internationally renowned artists The Otolith Group. With thanks to Kirsty Young.

Following on from festivals in 2009 and 2011 (Cruel Weather and Breaking Point), Intelligence Report will allow audiences to delve further into the sphere of moving image work from the Middle East and North Africa.

The programme is divided into two areas: the screening of six powerful new feature/experimental films from the Middle East/North Africa (at Belmont Filmhouse); and an exhibition consisting of video installations by noted artists The Otolith Group, and a group of repeating experimental shorts by seven artists, shown at Peacock Visual Arts (Saturday 4th October – Saturday 8th November).

The exhibition in the gallery will feature an installation by The Otolith Group (Turner prize nominees in 2010). The Group is a collaborative platform that seeks to rethink the dynamics of cultural production under conditions of accelerated, unstable and precarious global conditions. The seven shorts are the recent work of seven artists from Lebanon, Egypt, Morocco and Palestine.

Intelligence Report is a programme of films that reveal the problem of conveying revolution (Crop) or treating trauma-in-process (Sleepless Nights). Intelligence Report attempts to arrive at some comprehension of what the present may mean by taking a different inflection of the past – as in Annemarie Jacir’s When I Saw You (2012) set in 1967 Jordan.

In addition to the screenings, and giving context to the work, are introductions to three of the six films.

A representative from the Scottish Palestine Solidarity Campaign Aberdeen will introduce When I Saw You (Lamma shoftak) by Annemarie Jacir (2012) on Sunday 5th October at 6pm.

On Thursday 9th Oct, 6pm Sleepless Nights (Layali Bala Noom) by Eliane Raheb (2012) will be introduced by Dr. Stefanie Van de Peer, Global Cinema Fellow, University of Stirling.

And on Sunday 12th Oct at 6pm Crop, Johanna Domke and Marouan Omara (2012) will be introduced by Dr. Andrea Teti, Professor of Politics and International Relations, University of Aberdeen.

Intelligence Report is is organised by Jay Murphy, a writer and independent curator based in New York and New Orleans.

The full programme of film screenings and the exhibition is available on Peacock Visual Arts website – www.peacockvisualarts.com. A printed programme is available to collect from Peacock Visual Arts at 21 Castle Street and at various outlets in Aberdeen city centre.

Sep 052014
 

cllr-ford-with-michael-forbesWith thanks to Martin Ford.

Aberdeenshire Green councillor Martin Ford has welcomed the announcement of a planned feature film about the battle between residents on the Menie estate and Donald Trump.
The saga has already been the subject of a number of television and cinema documentaries.

Cllr Ford said:

“The tremendous resilience and courage of the Menie residents in standing up to Donald Trump and his backers is certainly a story worth telling. The residents are obvious heroes. There is also no shortage of villains in the plot.

“I look forward to seeing the completed film.”

Cllr Ford confirmed he had been contacted by the proposed film’s producers some time ago.

“I have now spoken with the screenwriter on a number of occasions to provide factual information about Aberdeenshire Council’s involvement in the events which the film will portray,” he said.

Cllr Ford chaired the Aberdeenshire Council committee that refused Donald Trump’s application for outline planning permission for a golf resort at Menie. Cllr Ford subsequently spoke out strongly against Mr Trump’s request that Aberdeenshire Council use compulsory purchase orders to remove his neighbours from their homes on the Menie estate.

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Sep 022014
 

Anthony Baxter talks to Suzanne Kelly about golf, human rights, Robert F Kennedy Junior, politicians, and Glenfiddich. By Suzanne Kelly.

dangerous game hare2

‘A Dangerous Game’ will be on general release as of Friday 5th September in Scotland.

Anthony Baxter and Richard Phinney set out some years ago to make a documentary. Their subject was Donald Trump building a golf course on the Menie Estate, and what life was like for the residents. The filmmakers didn’t expect to be arrested for their investigative journalism. Then again, they didn’t expect to win virtually every documentary prize worldwide for the resulting film, either.

But that’s what their first film, ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ did.

‘A Dangerous Game’ is the sequel, and unusually for a documentary, it will be on general release as of Friday 5th September in Scotland, with English cinemas following on the 12th September.

The film premiered in Canada, Sheffield and at the Edinburgh International Film Festival to great acclaim. Anthony Baxter will hold a Question and Answer session and panel discussion after the 5th September 18:30 showing at Cineworld in Aberdeen’s Union Square. On the cusp of its general release.

A brief history of Trump

It was June of 2011 when as a new contributor to Aberdeen Voice I went to Aberdeen’s Belmont Cinema to see the brand new documentary ‘You’ve Been Trumped’, and to interview its makers, Anthony Baxter and Richard Phinney.

By way of background, Trump was initially turned down by the Aberdeenshire Council for his grandiose scheme, until Alex Salmond, who had wined and dined with The Donald on both sides of the Atlantic, sashayed in and took the normal planning process away from the shire.

Salmond, who to this day has not visited the Menie residents despite their being his constituents, had the Scottish government hold an inquiry which led to the green light for Trump, concluding that there would be thousands of jobs and that environmental protection was less important than these jobs, jobs which never materialised. Donald Trump got his way.

Perhaps that should that be ‘The Don’ and not the Donald: the BBC has linked him to organised crime in the USA.

The bulldozers moved in, residents refused to move out, even when Trump-employed tricksters tried to buy their homes under false pretences.

Residents were then under siege. Property was destroyed: David Milne’s fence, Michael Forbes’ boat and other possessions. Their water supply pipe was ‘accidentally’ broken by Trump diggers, police threatened residents with arrest if they went through newly erected gates, and private security illegally demanded frequent identity checks.

Susan Munro’s cottage was veritably surrounded by high mounds of earth which blocked the light and blew dirt and dust into her home, also ruining automobile engines. The once wild area became a veritable personal dictatorship with the blessing of the government.

A Dangerous Precedent

So is The Trumpster alone in seeking greenbelt land to manicure into submission? Not at all, as Anthony and ‘A Dangerous Game’ explain.

While much of the new film is concerned with the Menie Estate, it is largely set in Dubrovnik, a beautiful, UNESCO heritage site with a long, important history.

Naturally it is now in the crosshairs of international property developers who want to create a golf resort. These developers will, it seems, get to turn the wilderness area above the city into a resort for the rich golfer, with considerable local government collaboration and contempt for democracy and rule of law easing their path.

This undemocratic modus operandi is happening in many places. What’s wrong with turning legally protected wild areas into golf courses? Nothing, aside from losing public green spaces, wildlife habitat and biodiversity, greenskeeping chemicals which do leech into the water table, and corruption in governments leading to exploitation of resources and contempt for the electorate.

Part of the film shows how towns like Montrose manage to encourage golfing without the environmental destruction, architectural aberration or megalomania. Not so at Menie, not so at Dubrovnik.

A Dangerous Film

The film talks to environmental campaigners, and to Trump and his son. Father and son taped the interviews independently of Anthony, so as to prevent them from being badly edited or being made to look foolish. Heaven forfend.

The new film is again beautifully filmed and edited. However, there are rich and powerful people in several countries who won’t be coming out of this looking very good at all. If ‘You’ve Been Trumped’ stirred the pot, ‘A Dangerous Game’ is potentially explosive.

Playing Catch Up

Anthony has been working nearly non-stop for months, if not years now. We finally get to speak at some length.

“I’m very excited to get the film out, to get the story to the audience.”

He explains:

“I want to get across the important message about democracy and how it breaks down when those who are supposed to represent us don’t do so. 

“It’s unusual to have a documentary released in cinemas. There will be a Q&A session and panel discussions. ‘A Dangerous Game’ will be in cinema multiplexes as well as art house theatres.”

We inevitably discuss the Scottish Referendum. Anthony says:

“This film is not about independence, but it is about our democracy. We have a responsibility to be vigilant, whichever side wins on September 18th.”

The film steers clear of the concurrent Scottish independence referendum debate, but it does not steer clear of criticising those who have earned criticism. It is undeniable that Alex Salmond’s intervention and previous enthusiasm for Trump’s megalomaniacal plans trumped, if you will, due process, existing environmental protection legislation, and the rights of Menie Estate residents.

It somehow feels as if the Menie Estate’s environment and people are being forgotten by the government behind the walls of dirt and sand that Trump had built up around the properties which he called ‘eyesores’ and ‘wanted pulled down’. Alex Salmond is meant to represent the Menie residents, it’s his constituency.

He’s turned down many invitations to come and watch ‘You’ve Been Trumped.’ He has been asked to visit the estate prior to the sequel’s premiere on the 5th September, and to come to the premiere too. Answer comes there none. (I’m still waiting Alex; do come to the Aberdeen screening on the 5th and/or the after party: there are people who would love to speak with you).

Anthony elaborates:

“The residents live in Salmond’s constituency, and even after the public outcry and outpouring of sympathy, the Trump organisation continues to make life difficult for them.”

Anthony mentions resident Mickey Foote, who wonders about the ‘duty of care’ or lack thereof, shown by his elected representatives.

 “Alex Salmond is of course busy, but in eight years of driving past the area, he has never once visited the residents in their homes.” 

Anthony quotes Robert F Kennedy Jr. in the film and to me:

“Wherever you see environmental injury you also see the subversion of democracy. The two things go hand in hand. They always do.”

 If it can happen in Scotland in the 21st century, it can certainly happen to Dubrovnik too.

Anthony continues:

“Something in our democracy is broken and we have to fix it.”

Resident David Milne tried to fix it by starting a petition, among many other actions, to ask for a full inquiry into how the police, Scottish National Heritage, the local government’s planning people and other organisations behaved during and after the controversial planning application favoured Trump’s plans.

No fewer than 19,000 people signed this request, and the Scottish Government petitions committee, seven people, had to take the matter up. Their methodology? To ask all of the organisations in the firing line for grave failures whether they should be investigated or not.

Unsurprisingly, these organisations, all caught in undemocratic actions, declined to be investigated. Clearly confused, the petitions committee also seemed to think that the hearing to grant the planning permission was enough of an investigation to hold, even though actions such as the police failings clearly, obviously occurred after planning was granted.

Many people including me contacted the committee. They refused to explain anything on the matter and it is now permanently closed. When we discuss this, Anthony’s voice changes slightly; he sounds rightly angry.

“David Milne is an ordinary person, he’s not a lawyer and he’s been forced by circumstances to spend great amounts of time just trying to protect his rights and to have this investigation. It’s shocking how he was treated by the committee.”

We discuss the unfairness of this decision and many other issues. He tells me:

“We have every right to expect there will be logic in our democracy.”

I can’t argue, but it’s clear we don’t have much logic going around these days. The bunds blocking light from the Munro house were never part of the planning permission; they are still standing at full height despite what the law says. Gates are locked, stopping people exercising their right to roam.

The Government may not have wanted this issue looked at, despite the request of 19,000 people. However, people power came to the fore in spades when Michael Forbes was voted Top Scot of the Year by the public in Glenfiddich’s annual awards.

The awards night is beautifully captured in ‘A Dangerous Game’, and like the events in Dubrovnik that Anthony and Richard have documented, it serves to show that people can still make a difference when they act together. Baxter and Phinney have demonstrated that even one or two people can make a world of difference as well.

Continuing on the theme of awards, we talk about the nature of Trump the man, and Anthony brings up the award Trump ‘won’ – captured in the film. Trump proudly threw a press conference to announce he received a ‘six diamond award’ and that these ‘aren’t just given out’.

Except they are, if you are connected to the awarding organisation.

“It was a bogus award ceremony held on the Trump course – not a single person there did anything to find out why a 90-year-old woman still has no proper water supply.” 

I am completely taken aback: I had no idea that the water pipe broken by the Trump people’s operations so many years ago, leaving them with no running water, has not in all this time been repaired correctly. I am writing again to the Trump organisation; and will advise what the reply is. The web page trumpeting this six diamond award includes two Press & Journal congratulatory articles.

But where was the local press when Molly Forbes was carrying water from a stream in buckets, and Michael and Sheila Forbes were without water as well? In bed with the Trump administration literally, as Evening Express beauty queen ‘face of Aberdeen’ Sarah Malone married Aberdeen Journals Ltd’s Damian Bates; she is a Trump VP at Menie, despite having virtually no relevant previous experience.

Coincidentally, Baxter’s award-winning film concerning a local problem has received virtually no coverage, the residents and politicians standing up to Trump were mocked in the local printed press. We discuss the importance of having a free press that is not beholden to the rich and powerful and which lets people know what is really going on.

Since the Edinburgh premiere, Trump’s been busy. He’s now active in Ireland, and has turned Turnberry into Trump Turnberry. I ask if Anthony will be using any of these developments.

“We’re just tweaking a few details, there is the purchase of the Irish resort. We’ll add some pictures.”

Anthony’s taken time out to speak to me on the morning of his birthday; I don’t want to eat into his day, and we leave it there, for now. The film will be in Aberdeen at Cineworld Union Square and at the links. We will catch up further then.

‘A Dangerous Game’ – Release date 5th September 2014

Starring ….

Donald Trump, Michael Forbes, Alec Baldwin, Karine Polwart, Robert Kennedy Jr.

The 6:30 p.m. screening on the 5th September at Aberdeen Union Square has a Q&A with Director Anthony Baxter and characters from the film. A funny and eye-opening documentary exploring the environmental impact of luxury golf courses around the world.

Three years ago, Anthony Baxter released his entertaining ‘You’ve Been Trumped’. It followed US tycoon Donald Trump’s controversial plan to build a golf resort on Scotland’s beautiful, unspoilt north-east coastline. This was hailed as the best documentary of the year by renowned film critic Mark Kermode.

Now Baxter’s follow-up finds out what happened to Trump’s scheme – and to local farmer Michael Forbes, who refused to sell his land to the billionaire.

This time, Trump agrees to a full interview, which proves to be a memorable encounter! Baxter also broadens his scope to take a look at the ecological cost of similar luxury resorts being constructed for the super-rich in other countries. His travels take him as far afield as China, Las Vegas and Dubrovnik in Croatia. Contributors include environmental lawyer Robert F. Kennedy and actor and activist Alec Baldwin.

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Aug 292014
 

dangerous game hare2With thanks to Anthony Baxter & Richard Phinney 

We are delighted to announce that our new feature documentary – A Dangerous Game – opens in cinemas across Scotland on Friday 5 September and on Friday 12 September in other cities in the United Kingdom.

The Official Trailer can be viewed here.

Specific venues are listed at the end of this message.

In many cinemas the film is scheduled for 7 days only, so please act quickly. In some cities the run may be extended if attendance is strong enough.

So tell your friends, colleagues and family (it is rated “PG”) and make a date to come out to see what we promise will be among the most powerful, entertaining and important films you’ll see this year.

Because Money and Power should not Cost the Earth.

“Unmissable” – Scotsman
“Highly Recommended” – Guardian
“Funny, penetrating and timely” – Herald
“A Dangerous Game is a game changer. Do not miss!” – Britflicks

In Cinemas From The 5th September

Visit www.adangerousgame.org to find out more

SCOTLAND
Aberdeen Cineworld

Birks Aberfeldy
Dundee Cineworld
Dundee Contemporary Arts

Edinburgh Cameo
Edinburgh Cineworld
Falkirk Cineworld

Glasgow Cineworld
Glasgow Grosvener & Hillhead
Perth Playhouse

ENGLAND AND NORTHERN IRELAND
Bath, The Little Theatre
Belfast Queens Film Theatre
Brighton Komedia
Brixton Ritzy
Cambridge Arts Picturehouse
Crouch End Arthouse

Exeter Picturehouse
Greenwich Picturehouse
Hackney Picturehouse
Inverness Eden Court
Liverpool FACT
Norwich Picturehouse
Nottingham Broadway
Oxford Picturehouse
York Picturehouse

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Jul 042014
 

Suzanne Kelly aka Old Susannah gets to grips with the news dominating the headlines this week; she’s having her cake and eating it too.
Dictionary

Another quiet week passes in the Granite City; a baton came to UTG amid light security measures, Anthony Baxter and Richard Phinney premiered their new film, and a former resident’s run off to fight a jihad.

Of the top stories rocking Scotland this week, some seem to be food related: a chef lost his prestigious Trump job because of an offensive shortbread, and a legal ruling has decreed that a snowball is a cake, not a cookie.

The Portsoy Boat Festival was a great weekend out for the hundreds who came; I was serving as a roving interviewer, which was good fun.

The festival gets larger every year – more boats, more races, more music and more visitors.  See you next time.

Anthony Baxter’s A Dangerous Game featured at the Edinburgh film festival. This new documentary features Trump at Menie, and other golf developments going on around the world; the Hollywood Reporter rightly says:-

“The film features heavyweight interviewees including Trump himself, making a comically clumsy attempt at damage limitation”

– I’ve no idea what they mean by that; Trump was every bit as shrewd, honest and on-the-ball as you’d expect.

Some Menie residents went to a screening on the 24th, and by all accounts it was an electric, emotional night. I went on the Saturday; the film again played to a full house. Baxter answered questions afterwards, and after that, a few pints were had. The movie should be in Aberdeen in early September.

Sue Edwards, who tirelessly documents the changing face of the Menie area, rightfully got a photo credit. I was humbled to see that I got a mention in the credits as well.  After the screening I met a nice man who won an award for his documentary; a film about some chap called Tony Benn. Get to see this when you can; it’s called Will and Testament.

Edinburgh is going to have to buck up its ideas about events – hundreds and hundreds of tourists flocking to the city for the festivals, and there’s hardly any uniformed security or crowd barriers in evidence. They can learn a lot about event hosting from us, but more on that later.

Here are some timely definitions for the week’s news

Shortbread: (Scottish noun) a traditional biscuit made of flour, butter and sugar, traditionally shaped into fingers, fans or rounds. Not to be shaped into willies.

Dough! Chef Scot McMillan was fired this past week; his crimes against humanity take the biscuit. Apparently his misdeeds include allowing a willy-shaped shortbread to be baked in his absence, and having photographic evidence of this crime posted on his Facebook page.

What would poor Sarah have done if faced with such a giant willy in the flesh as it were?

This offensive shortbread gave Donald the rise when it popped up on the chef’s Facebook page (note to TUT, and anyone else, teams of Trump minions just may be poring over social media now, looking for offensive biscuit posts; I think this is what people mean by food porn).

Donald didn’t sugar-coat it, the man was fired.

There is no word yet how our own Flour of Scotland/Face of Aberdeen / Mrs Damian Bates/ Sarah Malone is taking this latest news story.

I’m not laughing, and I’m sure you aren’t either. Imagine the delicate sensibilities of The Donald and poor Sarah Malone Bates when their minions, digging around the facebook pages of Trump’s 6,000 local employees (well, that’s the number we were promised) and coming face to face with a funny looking biscuit.

I can picture the scene now; a shrieking Malone-Bates, a ranting Trump, the Spanish Inquisition and teams of paid Trump internet snoops, all horrified. It would be enough to make Trump’s hair stand on end.

What would poor Sarah have done if faced with such a giant willy in the flesh as it were? Would she have eaten it? What would the poor woman have said about the size of it? The trauma of thinking about the possible permutations is too much for Old Susannah.

Alas! As proven by television chefs such as Gordon Ramsay, a chef must be polite, avoid crudeness, and be above all scandal at all times.

If Trump had kept the chef, then all those hordes of limos and arriving private jets taking golfers to Trump would slow down, destroying our economy. I’m sure there is nothing more to this story than what the papers said. At least they didn’t find photographs of any staff enjoying fish suppers.

Perhaps Trump hires Malone-Bates (who is married to dashing P&J Editor Damian Bates, lest we forget), a handful of cleaners, cooks, chefs and waiting staff, and greens people – and then hires twice as many to spy on the web pages of employees. That would account for the prosperity we’re experiencing, witnessed by Stewart Spence flogging his Marcliffe hotel off for housing.

Yes, Spence did say that business was booming because of ‘The Trump Effect’. Perhaps he’s now made so much from American golfers that he can retire to a private island, but you’d have thought such a gold mine here in golf heaven would have remained a hotel. After all, Spence said his business ‘had increased 93%’ because of Trump.

So friends – keep the city and shire safe for millionaire golfers, and report any suspicious looking food seen on Facebook at once. Old Susannah remembers seeing some photos on Facebook of a famous family; they were holding severed elephant tails, dead big cats, and other big game the family in question had destroyed for pleasure.

Let’s hope we can keep seeing more photos like those, and less photos of misshapen shortbread. It’s all a matter of priorities; let’s hope this blows over before it is blown out of all proportions.

Cake: (Modern Scottish legal term) – something that you eat that’s not a biscuit or a pasty, which the taxman can’t charge VAT on.

Wars rage; people harm others, Vodaphone evades tax, we need foodbanks. But celebratory bells will ring, children will dance in the street, and the lion will lie down with the lamb: Snowballs are cakes.

In a decision taking a mere 20 years to reach, the establishment has declared that bakeries including Tunnocks can call their snowball cakes, er, cakes. I’m as relieved about this as you are; it’s been hard to sleep at night knowing this was going on. According to the Daily Mail:

“In the end, the verdict went in favour of the two bakeries’ claim that their snowballs should be classed as cakes – and so are not subject to VAT.

“It will cost HMRC – who had classed it as a sweet and so VAT-rated – more than £2.8million to refund the taxes paid by the two firms.

“The judgment means Lees can claim back £2,057,497 in VAT from HMRC, while Tunnocks can claim back £805,956.  It also means the taxman has lost out on future VAT from snowballs to the tune of millions of pounds.

“It was also revealed in the judgement released yesterday that an informal poll of tax office staff in Dundee found a majority had disagreed with their bosses and thought the teacake was a cake.”
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/scots-bakers-lees-tunnocks-win-3778835

There is no word yet on the classification of spotted dick.

Alas! there is no time to comment on the discrete, cost-effective security measures that accompanied the baton’s arrival in Union Terrace Gardens, but more on this, and Trump’s reaction to A Dangerous Game next week.

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