Suzanne at Aberdeen Voice, Author at Aberdeen Voice

Suzanne at Aberdeen Voice

Old Elizabeth’s Dictionary Corner No. 1

Opinion, Satire and Humour 14 Responses »

Mar 112016

Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah has something of an identity crisis as her mortgage company rebrands her as ‘Elizabeth’ in a paperwork snafu. As such, we welcome Old Elizabeth’s Dictionary Corner this week. By Suzanne (?) Kelly.

Tally ho! The banks have decided that my first name isn’t Suzanne, it’s Elizabeth. That’s what the records show, so I have to prove them wrong. This error was only picked up a week ago, so I don’t expect it to be fixed any time soon.

Past signatures on mortgage papers, name on my bank account and payslips, my passport – none of this is good enough just yet for the powers that be. I may change my name; it might be easier. You’re probably as shocked to hear of a bank making any kind of mistake as I am, but apparently it does happen.

I’m beginning to think that I must be in the wrong, not them, and am going to double-check with my parents.

This past week a Florida woman who tried to teach her four year old child how to shoot a gun has been shot. Bet no one saw that coming.

This is an intolerable state of affairs; what kind of mother is this? Perhaps if she’d started him earlier, he’d have acquired more gun handling experience by now. It’s never too early to start learning to hurt or kill, is it? Call me old-fashioned, but every time I give a toddler who can’t really walk or talk a .45 six-shooter, I usually leave only one or two bullets in.

As to Mother of the Year, you’ll be happy to know that she is said to be in a stable condition. She sounds very stable to me. Of course junior might have killed himself or any surviving siblings. In the US nearly 10,000 minors are killed or injured by guns every year But that’s a small price to pay for freedom, I say.

No word on whether she’ll face any charges; hardly likely I’d think. Elsewhere in the US, if your child is stillborn, or has birth defects, you might just well find yourself in prison for murder. Oh, lest I forget – happy International Women’s Day everyone.

Closer to home, all’s well as we continue with our vibrant, dynamic public relations activities, showing the rest of the world how wonderful we are. Now that a new flight route has opened to Iceland, Visit Scotland is out there flying the Satire, waving our tax money around, and giving the VIP treatment to Icelandic Journalists. (Thank you Iain Richardson for sharing this story on Facebook).

As part of their packed itinerary, Visit Aberdeen will ensure the group enjoys ‘… a show round of Macleod House and Trump International Golf Links in Balmedie’. Now you might think that someone somewhere at Visit Scotland would think twice about promoting this particular golf course, but you’d be wrong.

Perhaps a few relevant definitions might help.

Visit Scotland: (Modern English compound noun) a Smart Successful Scotland’s Tourist arm; another unelected quango.

In the dark ages, no one came to look at Scotland’s landscapes, castles, coasts or cities. Then, we created Visit Scotland. What do they do?

“Visit Scotland works in partnership to exceed visitor expectations. Its mission is to contribute significantly to the advancement of Scottish tourism by giving it real presence in the global marketplace, benefiting the whole of Scotland.

“We’ve a wide range of stakeholders, but our activities are defined by visitors’ requirements. Everything we do is based on sound research to make sure that we stay ahead of consumers’ ever-changing needs.

“We work closely with tourism businesses and other partners to make sure that their activities are aligned with the national strategy, and that we’re all working towards a common goal.”

It’s good to know that everything they do is based on sound research. Otherwise, locally anyway, it might look like they keep using the same venues over and over. We’ll soon find out how much money they’ve spent at Trump; I’m sure that they use all of our local hotels and golf courses on a rotational basis. After all, they are bound to be fair with the taxpayer pound.

They claim that for every pound we spend – of the $50,000,000 million pounds’ budget they have – £20 is spent on tourism in Scotland. Yes, I’m sure they are fully responsible for all tourism in the country. If not for VS, who’d have come to Edinburgh, Glasgow, The Granite City, the islands, the lochs. Well done you!

The fact that there’s a national strategy is comforting. I suppose spending our money at a venue run by arguably the West’s biggest bigot sends the message the national strategy wants to convey.

So, it’s time to round up the Icelandic journalists and show them Scotland. By going to the placid haven that is Trump’s Balmedie course. Will they stop and point out the bunds put up to try and ruin Susie Munro’s views, gardens and spirit? Will they point out where the water mains, electric and telephone services have been ‘accidentally’ cut by the Trump construction crews?

Will they discuss how this successful venue has posted a financial loss? Should be very entertaining. Perhaps the sound research needs a dusting off, as does those ever-changing needs of visitors.

Tacit Endorsement: (Compound English noun) – to imply support for a person, cause or thing by actions rather than words.

I asked Visit Scotland why they’d chosen to go with the Trump property for this visit. They replied:

“Hi Suzanne. Our work with the Trump Organisation is solely in its role as an operator of premium golf resorts in Scotland and as such we would not comment on Mr Trump’s personal or political agenda. Thanks for your FOI request which we have received. A member of our corporate team will contact you directly about this in due course. Many thanks.”

I like the use of the word ‘premium.’ Well, you pay a premium for lunch there, anyway. I suggested:

“Very interesting. Visit Scotland doesn’t distinguish between Trump’s very public remarks and giving taxpayer money to his concerns, yet he’s been stripped of being a Global Scot for these remarks, as well as losing his RGU honorary degree. Perhaps time you rethink your ethics? You are of course condoning and encouraging him every time you give him our tax money, you do see that, don’t you.”

We mustn’t rush to conclusions though. Just because Visit Scotland takes people to Trump properties, spends taxpayer money at Trump properties, and endorses Trump properties is no reason to think that they are happy to have Scotland aligned with the Trump brand. Let’s wait and see if the next visiting dignitaries from the Middle East get taken to Drumpf Golf International.

I’m sure they’ll love meeting Mrs Bates to the extent that all the talk of banning Muslims and making then wear badges in the US will pass once she flashes those pearly whites.

Sure the guy wants to ban Muslims from entering the USA (Muslim American citizen population 3 to 7 million). Sure, he’s verbally waging war on Mexico, wants to bring back water boarding (nothing quite like it you’ll agree), and a bag of vipers would be kinder and more logical. But there’s money at stake. Besides which, VS would have to admit that endorsing him is a mistake.

In December last year, VS said:

“…that it has no plans to stop working with Donald Trump, despite a campaign to ban him from entering Britain because of his comments about Muslim immigration. Visit Scotland said that the tycoon’s two Scottish golf resorts were a valuable asset and attracted thousands of visitors from around the world as well as multimillion-pound investment.”

The welfare of Scottish citizens living under the whims of Trump at Menie? Who cares? Not Visit Scotland.

Iceland Press Council: (Proper noun – er, Icelandic I guess) – a body governing principles and ethics of reporting in Iceland

This press junket whereby Icelandic writers come to Aberdeen will, I sincerely hope, involve their talking to Aberdeen Journals Ltd’s big wheels like Damian Bates. This is almost inevitable, as Sara Mrs Malone Face of Aberdeen Bates will be showing them round the Trump course. There’s just one problem.

Cultures vary widely from country to country. While we’ve gone all smart and successful here, not every country is up to our own standards. Covering up stories inconvenient to top advertisers, pushing the wife’s business interests, embellishing or suppressing stories to suit the powers that be: Iceland’s not got wise to any of these modern journalistic techniques at all.

They actually have a paper, Rules of Ethics in Journalism; it goes back to 1988. Thought I’d share some of it with you. Press and Journal; Evening Express writers may wish to look away now (if you’re still with me that is). Sorry, but I thought I’d put most of the clauses into this piece, just to show how much more advanced we are here than these idealistic Icelanders.

I’ve made a comment or two in square brackets in bold for the benefit of our local reporters, who probably need a laugh.

Clause 1. A journalist aims to do nothing which may bring his profession or professional organisation, newspaper or newsroom into disrepute. [OOPS!] He must avoid anything, which may be deleterious to public opinion of the journalist’s work, or damage the interests of the profession [OOPS!]. A journalist must always be honourable in his dealings with colleagues. [OOPS!]

Clause 3. A journalist observes the highest possible standards in gathering information, processing this information , and in presentation, and shows the utmost fact in sensitive cases [UNLESS THERE’S A GRANITE WEB, OR THE NEEDS OF AN ACSEF MEMBER AT STAKE ]. He avoids all that may cause unnecessary pain or humiliation to the innocent, or those who have suffered.

Clause 5. A journalist must do his best to avoid conflicts of interest, for instance by reporting on companies or interest groups in which he himself is involved [OOPS! – DAMIAN – ANY COMMENT?]. He must primarily serve the interests of the reader [DAMIAN?], and the honour of the journalistic profession in all that undertakes under the aegis of his job. [IS THIS OK WITH THE MISSUS’ BOSS?]

A journalist writes always on the basis of his convictions [OOPS!]. He makes sure not to confuse editorial material of clear informative and educational value, with advertising in pictorial and / or written form. [HA HA HA!] This code of ethics does not limit the freedom of expression of journalists who write, under their full name, clearly defined items in newspapers, e.g. criticism, where the writer’s personal views are of the essence. [IS THAT WHY SO MANY P&J / EE PIECES DON’T HAVE A BYLINE?]

Clause 6. Any person who believes that a journalist has offended against the above code, and whose interests are at stake, can make a complaint to the Ethics Committee of the Icelandic Union of Journalists within two months of publication, provided the item published is not the subject of court action at the same time. [REMINDS ME OF WHEN I COMPLAINED ABOUT A P&J PIECE. A FRONT PAGE AREA LABELLED ‘FACTS’ IN A HEAVY OUTLINE, CONTAINED OPINIONS. THE RELEVANT PRESS REGULATORS DECIDED THAT ANYONE WHO READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE WOULD HAVE REALISED THAT THEY BOX LABELLED ‘FACTS’ WEREN’T FACTS AFTER ALL. FAIR ENOUGH]

So there you have it. Despite First Minister Nicola Sturgeon taking away Donald Drumpf’s Global Scot status, despite the Open saying that they don’t want anything to do with Drumpf, Visit Scotland’s going to plough ahead promoting the Donald’s ‘premium’ clubs. I guess that national strategy they talk about doesn’t give our Nicola a look-in.

On that note, I’ll take a minute to say goodbye to one of Aberdeen Voice’s founders, David R Guthrie. He passed away after illness and a wake was held on Tuesday. A colourful writer, musician, wit, and all-round good guy, he had his reasons for helping to found Aberdeen Voice. One of those reasons was assuredly Aberdeen Journals Ltd. In lieu of flowers, feel free to donate to Aberdeen Voice.

One of the things I liked about him was his love of Union Terrace Gardens. Another thing I liked: the man was not for sale or for rent. He never got a Maserati, but he had things that were actually valuable. Good night Dave, and thanks.

You might not like Aberdeen Voice – but we’ve exposed untruths. We’ve covered important stories the local press wouldn’t touch. We’ve spoken out against people like Trump, and we’re going to keep going.

PS – I asked MP Paul Flynn how he felt now about Trump, who continues to gain in the polls, and might wind up being President. Flynn of course was on the Petitions Committee, and opened the Parliamentary debate on banning Trump. He’d taken that extra step of going to the press some 9 hours before the debate to say he didn’t believe in banning Trump for hate speech.

No, let’s just take him round my constituency, show him how multiculturalism is working, and then he’ll instantly change his way of thinking – that was Flynn’s master plan. Doesn’t seem to be working that well.

Here’s what he wrote back to me:

“There are still e-mails coming in from the US on Trump. His fans are happy but they all seem pretty stupid. Sensible Republicans are in despair. They believe that he has shamed their party. They believe that If he is the candidate, Hilary will win. I persist in the belief that a country wise enough to elect Obama twice, would be foolish enough to elect Trump once. At the moment I am very much involved in other things. Any contributions I could make in Trump’s downfall would be insignificant.”

Well, perhaps anything he could do now would be insignificant. But when he led that debate, had he brought up all the relevant facts (including actual US violence caused by Trump’s words), and done the petition justice, I wonder where things would stand now.

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[Aberdeen Voice accepts and welcomes contributions from all sides/angles pertaining to any issue. Views and opinions expressed in any article are entirely those of the writer/contributor, and inclusion in our publication does not constitute support or endorsement of these by Aberdeen Voice as an organisation or any of its team members.]

Smooth Soothing Sweet Roachford: A Review

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Mar 112016

By Suzanne Kelly.

Andrew Roachford’s night at the Lemon Tree was a tonic, and all sorts of people were there for a bit of remedy.

People may have arrived with their personal assortment of cares and troubles.

By the time we left, people were smiling, happy, chilled out, and more than a little thrilled. Cares banished for the night, courtesy of Roachford.

With a voice like moonlight through a stained glass window falling on deep blue velvet, Roachford had quite a roomful of admiring women. The girls in front of the stage didn’t stop swaying all night; by girls I mean ladies from 18 to about 68. This by no means meant this was a show for the ladies alone; there were plenty of men enjoying the show too.

That’s some backing band with Andrew Roachford – percussion, bass, guitar were faultless and tasty. But if Roachford had us all smiling, his playing had me utterly transfixed. His fingers and hands flying over the keyboards seemed to blur at some points; the subtlety and dexterity with which he got the precisely-desired tones, nuances, expression will stay with me for quite a while.

Charming the audience in between numbers, he took us on quite the musical trip. His version of ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’ is unique; there’s something about how he does it that takes a heartbreaking classic and throws light on it – and somehow he lightens the mood of it.

Avoid my prose on the matter, cut to the chase, and go listen yourself. It’s on his new album which was on sale on the day, and which you’ll find at www.roachford.co.uk. You’ll also find a powerful version of Paul Weller’s ‘You Do Something To Me’, and a take on John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ that Roachford’s remade with his own seal.

“This album showcases some of the songs that have fired me up over the years to become a performer and to look, to bring the magic in every show I play,” Andrew explains.

“I once read that a sign of a good singer wasn’t just about ability but more importantly about someone that when they sang you believe every word.”

He’d also played a sweet version of ‘Family Affair’ which had the room singing. For me his version of Red Hot Chili Pepper’s ‘Under The Bridge’ was particularly moving. The musicians couldn’t have made a more solid, credible, flowing job of a single note of this.

Andrew explains that

“Growing up surrounded with Jazz and Soul, and working in the studio with The Clash as a teenager” gave him an incredible grounding in music. “I’ve never categorized music, I listen to music that moves me…. and that’s what inspires my writing”.

Pigeonholing him isn’t possible, and I don’t see why anyone would try.

This is a vocal and keyboard artist of a kind they’re not really making any more. Get some of him live if you can; get the album at least. He seemed happy, relaxed, and friendly; and it seems like the whole of the Lemon Tree was there with him on the night.

Next time I can catch him, I definitely will.

The Temperance Movement Conquers Aberdeen

Articles, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 282016

The Temperance Movement returned to a sold-out, packed, eager audience on Tuesday 19th January, their first UK show in a year or so. They’ve toured with the Stones; they’ve toured the States. They’ve released their second album and it’s No. 1 in the rock charts. And here they are at Aberdeen’s Beach Ballroom.

Are they are the heirs apparent to The Stones, The Black Crowes and possibly even Zeppelin? Suzanne Kelly thinks so. Suzanne Kelly reviews the show and album; photos by Julie Thompson.

They come from Glasgow; they come from London. They are here to stay. Here are the basics:
The Temperance Movement is Phil Campbell (vocals), Paul Sayer (guitars), Nick Fyffe (bass) and Damon Wilson (drums) and Matt White (guitar on this tour). Luke Potashnick (guitar) has left since recording the album.

TTM’s second album White Bear is No.1 in the UK Rock charts – and that’s exactly where it should be.

It can be as much of a curse as it is a blessing if your first album is a critically-acclaimed, hit-laden debut without a bad track on it. The pressure of putting out a follow-up has proved too much for many acts; think of the Stone Roses. SR took over 5 years to make their second record; it cost Geffen fortunes, saw personnel hired and fired on the grand scale, and well… it’s not anyone’s favourite album.

If your first album was so impressive the Rolling Stones took you out on tour, then the pressure’s really on.

TTM did it. This is brilliant. They display more sheer genius and conviction as they take rock and southern rock flavours and again do unique things with power and grace.

The themes from the first album are still there; references to themes from the bible and the actual Temperance Movement are peppered throughout the lyrics and I say ‘hallelujah’ to that ( “I paid silver at the wailing wall” on Three Bulleits, “calling all believers righteous and deceivers alike” on Magnify, and a peppering of words like ‘witness’, ‘brother’, ‘genuflecting’ – for me this is a small but important thread running through their works like a label identifying their writing).

They are also referring back to other bands and songs with a just a word or two eg ‘ pretty vacant’, ‘tiny dancer’, ‘little Susie’ – paying a small homage here and there to past influences.

More importantly, the lyrics still cover themes that resonate to all their fans, loves, lost loves, bad loves, really bad loves, striving. And it’s all, to a line, beautiful and honest:

“high price for wisdom, do your best until the best comes along our love is all that I am / we smile so sleekit (nice bit of Scottish dialect there btw) / death wish rambles where the shadows are long / finger my sunbeam like a dirty joke”
– on the title track, White Bear.

One of my favourite songs is A Pleasant Peace I Feel:’

“beautiful and notorious / warring factions and a pleasant peace I feel.”

All in all, I still feel that the sentiments they capture must have been written from decades of experience, not from a still young band; I don’t see where they’ve found the time to write, record, tour, and have time for experiences that lead to such insightful lyrics.

Lyrics – love them; but the music they’re set to and how they’re played is why I think we’ve really got something special in TTM, and I’m hoping that nothing will interfere with their 3rd, 4th, or 10th albums.

The opening bars of 3 Bulleits makes me think of Zeppelin’s ‘Good Times Bad Times’ and then we’re into pure southern rock honky-tonk with layers of hot guitar and vocals. The album was only recently released when TTM came to Aberdeen, but we were all singing along when they play. The production on this – on all the new material — gets a ‘hats off’ from me; it’s very well crafted.

Unlike some acts, they play this material live beautifully (as you’d expect from them), not as if they were studio act that can’t play live, like a hothouse flower that couldn’t live outside a greenhouse.

‘Get Yourself Free’ – I’m wondering if it’s the ‘70s again – I’m hearing Bad Company, Zeppelin, and CSNY type harmony. Lynyrd Skynyrd could have written this. Or Zeppelin when in one of their southern modes. But it’s pure Temperance. The instrumental section – pure class; high octane, with beats that make me think Bonzo had more than a little influence.

Don’t get me wrong; when you hear elements that make you think of the world’s greatest bands of the past in these songs, you’re never in any doubt that what’s going on here is brand new, high-voltage music that no one else is going to be able to touch for a long, long time.

Oh, just go buy it – White Bear is genius; it’s energy. ‘The Sun and Moon Roll Around’ alone’s worth the price of admission. Praise the Lord. In fact, I tell you what: If rock / southern rock is your thing, and you buy this album and can’t find at least one track to satisfy you, send your album to me and I’ll refund your money (and I’ll think you have no taste).

As an important side note, as well as picking the album up from iTunes, I’ve bought a white vinyl, White Bear LP, which takes me back to the days when albums were LP records, material things to enjoy as objects, too. It’s a sweet piece of art; it’s an elegant gatefold (get one now if you want a signed print included) including a poster, with lyrics and sleeve notes.

When someone puts something out like this, one clear message is that they care more about giving the fans something to enjoy and cherish more than they do about cutting corners to make a better profit margin – but there is nothing about this band on or off the balance sheet to indicate they’d ever cut any corners. More and more people and artists are appreciating the beauty and the sound of vinyl; expect an increase in vinyl sales and albums.

I think I’m going to order a second one, now I think on it. (Earache must be one hell of a label. I’ve worked at labels that were hell).

TTM take on Aberdeen: HMV and The Beach Ballroom

When The Temperance Movement played the Lemon Tree in April 2014, I think everyone there knew they’d seen something big – something important – starting up. Their first eponymous album had taken less than a week to make [Stone Roses – take note] – and perhaps that’s the way to get the energy and immediacy down.

If you need to record vocals or a guitar solo for weeks on end, the inevitable result is that the artist will be sick to death of it – and you can’t hide that.

If you record like the Rolling Stones, by taking over a house in France, going a bit crazy and ‘just do it’, you’ll get something different, fresh and possibly even a timeless classic will be the result.

I think of the Stones and TTM in the same breath not just because I really like them both or because they toured together, but because they both make unique, classic, fresh recordings that seem to flow naturally, almost effortlessly.

Both acts produce music that’s more than the sum of their band’s impressively talented parts. A track like ‘Chinese Lanterns’ from the first TTM album could well fit onto Exile on Main Street, arguably one of the Stone’s best albums. The writing on Exile often captures flavours of raw American music and does something new, memorable with it – just like TTM does some 40 odd years later.

While we didn’t hear ‘Chinese Lanterns’ in the Beach Ballroom, it’s an elegantly simple, infectious song that stays with you, and I still remember the whole of the Lemon Tree singing it in April ’14.

The Sheepdogs, an impressive Canadian outfit opens. The audience is clearly appreciative; and the set is an enjoyable affair. Some of the songs are very powerful and infectious. Sheepdogs – harmonies; keyboard player took trombone; taken from rich American past and mined it for 2015 – much like TTM’s MO.

One particularly beautiful song – ‘Southern Dreaming’ had a particularly bright guitar sound; made me think of ‘Jessica’ and the Allman Brothers. There was another song – must find its name! – that clearly owed a good deal to Bad Company’s Feel Like Making Love’s rhythms, but with a very positive, up-head feel to it. I’d go see them again in a flash.

The Sheepdogs.

As an aside, it took a fair bit of self-confidence for The Temperance Movement to put The Sheepdogs on. The Sheepdogs were great, impressed the audience, and they were coming at music from a similar angle as TTM – not just the rock, but the craftsmanship, quality of playing, and the flavours.

There are many bands that wouldn’t agree to have a warm up act on tour of such quality, mining a similar vein as the main act; clearly TTM love music, love this kind of music, and are, appropriately, evangelical about promoting quality.

In an age not that long ago, some record companies would buy up and deliberately bury any act that might rival an act they were trying to promote to protect their investment. I’d like to think having Sheepdogs open for The Temperance Movement means that someone in TTM’s organisation thinks promoting other excellent music to new audiences is important and worthwhile – and is confident that nothing can touch TTM.

The Sheepdogs are Ewan Currie – Guitar and Vocals, Ryan Gullen – Bass and Backing Vocals, Sam Corbett-Drums and Backing Vocals Shamus Currie – Backing vocals and keyboards (and if I’m not wrong, tremendous trombone); find out more about them on their page.

The Temperance Movement open with ‘Three Bulleits’; everyone’s screaming. Phil’s all over the stage; never still; it’s physical theatre. Numbers from the first album appear; first of these is ‘Midnight Black’, then ‘Be Lucky’ – everyone I can see is singing along; the fact you want to sing these songs because of how they’ve been crafted is a huge part of the appeal.

We also get ‘Pride’, ‘Ain’t No Tellin’, and the beautiful ‘Smouldering’ – towards the end is a personal favourite, ‘Only Friend’ – the whole room is singing loudly; I catch as few seconds on my phone’s recorder as if I could somehow capture a powerful moment. I hope someone’s filming some of these live shows. (We get 16 or 17 songs; it must be exhausting. My only let-down is not hearing ‘Serenity’ from the first record; I love this song. But I realise they can’t play everything).

‘White Bear’ is a thunderstorm. It opens with uplifting powerful major power chords, then grows tender before reaching rising to a remarkable crescendo, falling and rising again. These guys are the heirs apparent to the best rock bands we’ve had. This quite simply, is one of the best songs anyone’s written for years and it’s on an album of other hits.

It’s a short break before the encore; I tell Julie it’s going to be a glowing review.

“Glowing Review?! It has to be a glowing review! Jesus Christ almighty – it was brilliant!” is her reply.

Believe me, that’s not exactly her standard reply. More often than not she’ll leave an act after taking the photos of the first three songs.

If this is only their second album, whatever is next? I’ll make sure I don’t miss a thing about TTM. In fact, think I’ll go check out the rest of their schedule and try to get another show or two in.

This was the band that got me back listening to music – seriously, I stopped listening to any music at all for something like a decade – didn’t buy a single thing; didn’t play music at home (long story). Safe to say, I’ve joined the Movement.

Don’t take my word for it:

“TTM are essentially a classic rock band they have an unbelievably high standard of not only being able to rock but the song craft, melody – there’s not many bands out there that can do that.

“When you listen to them on record – I was quite surprised by the new album; it’s sonically a step forward – sonic, punchier – production is fuller shall we say than the first album, but without compromising any of the song writing craft – you’ve got 11 songs – every song is excellent. It’s not easy for bands to do that. For many bands in the digital age they can’t play live – it’s all about money.” said Joe, a local drummer.

When I see him after the show, he tells me:

“They were excellent. I’m not really surprised they were that good live – but I was really really happy.”

Joe McKenzie said:

“I’ve just watched Sheepdogs; very good! Excellent! TTM never seen them live; can’t wait! Love the albums.”

Lynn Anderson commented:

“We first saw TTM at Belladrum a couple of years ago, a bit by chance really. I walked in and said, ‘yeah, this is my kind of band’.”

Her husband Nick said:

“’Hooked’ isn’t the word. As soon as we got back from that, we downloaded the first album. We downloaded the new album as soon as we could. They’re both on our playlist as favourites.”

On a personal note:

One of my stories/projects had gone far wider than I’d ever expected; for 2 ½ weeks solid I’d been doing interviews. While still managing work and other projects, I found myself scrambling over sand dunes on the Aberdeenshire coast on frozen mornings for Aljazeera and others, filming in Westminster for German TV, arguing with the notorious Bill O’Reilly at midnight, taping BBC World Service TV and radio at dawn, and skyping Australia Sky News from broom cupboards, etc.

I’m pretty sure I broke a toe, and my left shoulder is killing me, god knows why. The day TTM came to Aberdeen was my first day after the madness had ended, and I wanted to celebrate. I couldn’t have had a better night of uplifting fresh music than TTM gave us. It also was clear that the band expend as much energy in one show as I had in a fortnight.

I stumbled into HMV at the tail end of their playing/signing session and had the quickest chat with them. They’re sitting at a table, undoubtedly suffering from writers’ cramp from signing lots of autographs.

“We are happy to be in Aberdeen; the album’s going great – but you’ll have to tell us really.”

I truthfully tell them I’m listening to it and I love it – my voice is down to a rasp by the way; they joke about ‘whether this interview was authorised or not’, and they’re having a good laugh. Clearly, I need a beer to lubricate the over-worked vocal chords. By the end of the night I’ve talked to great people, had great beer, discovered The Sheepdogs, and got knocked off my feet by TTM. I want to go again.

My cynicism is knocked for six; I believe these guys are as genuine, sincere and nice off stage as all their Facebook posts, comments to fans, tweets, interviews hint that they are. I wish them many decades more of doing as they’re doing.

I started the evening knackered; but I’d forgot anything else that was on my mind before they’d finished the first song. The Temperance Movement left me and a few hundred other people filled with a really wonderful, powerful, positive energy, and I’d like to say thanks for that. So – TTM, thanks for an uplifting evening that, well, you just can’t get from any other act I can think of. Praise Be.

Tour dates, merchandise, photos, a tour diary that wears me out just thinking of what they were up to, and some great footage can be found on their official website.

Parliament To Debate Trump Ban Petition

Aberdeen City, Featured, News 17 Responses »

Jan 062016

With thanks to Suzanne Kelly.

Hate speech and prejudice take a beating as Parliament’s Petitions Committee schedules 18 January for a debate on a proposed Donald Trump UK ban for hate speech. An unprecedented 580,000 people have signed an online petition started by Aberdeen Voice contributor Suzanne Kelly.

At 10,000 signatures the government made a response which can be found on the petition website.

Kelly welcomed the strongly-worded response, and replied to it as follows:

“I welcome the Government’s affirmation that it rejects attempts to create division, and that coming to the UK is a privilege which can be denied to those who seek to harm our society and who do not share our basic values.

“Much has happened since the petition was lodged on 28 November. When Trump came out with the astonishing statement in early December that Muslims should be barred from entering the US, it justified the need for this petition. At the time of writing, 567,000 people are asking for the ban.

“Freedom of any kind comes with responsibility; this includes free speech. Freedom of speech is not the freedom to engage in hate. Words can wound and can be a rallying cry to violence. If anyone doubts that speech can cause harm, reflect on how many physical fights start with verbal provocation, and how much harm is caused by verbal bullying in schools and in domestic situations.

“The reality of hate speech’s ability to incite violent acts is why the UK’s laws have stopped some 80 individuals from entering the UK to date. Trump has never, as far as I know, apologised for any of his verbal attacks.

“I am not someone known for wanting to ban one thing or another. Over the years I have fought to stop books and artwork being banned. However, there is a saying- ‘your right to swing your arm ends where my nose begins’. In other words, freedom is not freedom to cause harm to others, and from the facts I personally conclude Donald Trump’s words are demonstrably causing harm. I do not see how the government can do other but ban his future entry.

“An educated person may laugh off Trump’s diatribes, and wonder why any action is needed. Unfortunately not everyone who hears prejudicial, hate-inciting speech stops to question or analyse what they hear.

“Our government believes hate speech is illegal, witness the many who have been barred UK entry. Most of these banned people were hardly household names, so how much more weight might hate speech carry when it comes from someone who is a television personality, and would-be US president?

“Trump has money, celebrity and influence. We know that people listen to celebrities; our advertising industry spends millions of pounds on sponsorship because of it. Donald Trump’s fame is helping to spread his hate-filled rhetoric.

“If the UK government needs evidence that Donald Trump’s hate speech can encourage violence, sadly this can be provided.

“The New York Times and other media have documented the surge in violence in America directed at Muslims since the tragic ISIS / fundamentalist attacks in Paris and San Bernardino [1] – and since some high-profile politicians have used these incidents as fuel for hate speech which can escalate problems. Some respected academics are greatly concerned by this trend [2].

“There are cases which link Donald Trump’s influence directly to violence. Californian William Celli attempted to make a pipe bomb with the intention of attacking Muslims. Celli is a huge Trump supporter. Celli said he would ‘Follow Trump to the end of the world.[3]’ The end of the world might well be where they wish to take us. But I for one am not intending to follow them there.

“As I said, my petition predates Donald Trump’s remarks about Muslims; here is the story of a man I had in mind when lodging it: A homeless Hispanic man was attacked in Boston by men who openly say that they were inspired by the words of Donald J Trump.[4] They beat the man with metal poles. They broke his nose. “Donald Trump was right, all these illegals need to be deported,” is what one of the accused said to the police.

“There is no further proof required that hate speech carries consequences and that Donald Trump’s hate speech has directly caused violence.

“George Osborne made a statement to the effect we will not ban Donald Trump. I think the decision is not his alone, and his premature words call for comment. Osborne may feel that “The best way to defeat nonsense like this is to engage in robust and democratic debate, and to make it clear his views are not welcome.[5]” – but that is little comfort to victims of Trump’s hate speech.

“I doubt anyone willing to hit another person with a metal pole because they are homeless and Hispanic is open to persuasion by ‘robust and democratic debate’. Perhaps Mr Osborne wants to change the laws on hate speech that saw the previous bans; but at this point in time, banning Mr Trump is the government’s clear responsibility.

“It will take more than a few harsh paragraphs from the UK’s Prime Minister to send the right message. We need to ban Donald Trump from bringing his violence-inspiring vitriol here.

“Donald Trump is also widely – chillingly – promoting the idea of killing people whose relatives are involved in terrorism. His own words testify why he should be banned from the UK: “…with the terrorists, you have to take out their families.[6]” He did not say they need to be arrested and tried by a recognised court; he said ‘you’ have to ‘take out their families’. It is remarkable a would-be president has such little knowledge and/or respect for international law and conventions.

“Does his statement sound like an incitement to murder? I believe there are those for whom this message could well have violent repercussions. I note that have not heard Trump call for ‘taking out’ the family of Celli, the would-be terrorist pipe bomber who intended to target Muslims. What kind of message shall the UK send back to Trump for his rallying cry for executions?

“If Mr Trump had said he wanted to ban anyone with links to militant violent organisations including ISIS, then that would have been a fairy reasonable statement. But he placed every single Muslim into a group which he says needs to be barred from US entry and monitored. He is perhaps the highest-profile promoter of Islamophobia there is in the entire world.

“As a brief aside, anyone who preaches hate and violence, whatever their reason or religion, is an enemy of the stability which the world desperately needs now. There are serious global issues that require international cooperation, understanding and attention; we cannot allow anyone, even Mr Trump, to fan the flames of hatred. I hope his supporters will think again.

“In 2007 there were between 2 to 7 million Muslims citizens or residents of the United States. What the United Kingdom does with regard to my petition is not just about one man, Donald Trump; it will be sending a message to Trump’s targets, his opponents and his supporters.

“I do hope the UK government will consider all of the repercussions of Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim statements, as well as all of the sexist, racist, and nationalistic remarks he continues to make. The United Kingdom has in this petition an opportunity to say that anyone, even a billionaire, cannot mock people with disabilities, cannot disrespect women or label all Mexicans as drug dealers and rapists and call for them to be walled into Mexico, and still be welcome here.

“Many people will be watching this debate closely. Those who oppose banning Trump will need to explain their decision – not to me – but to 567,000 United Kingdom citizens. Banning Trump may well make us more secure; it would also send a message that there is not one law for the powerful, and another for the poor.

“In opening this petition I ran the risk of being ridiculed, but I have found that half a million people feel as I do. Groups have organised events and other petitions to show support for people being persecuted because of their faith. It is reassuring to see people from different backgrounds coming together to denounce hate speech.

“I am well aware how many problems and how much hatred exists around the world. I am also aware that within living memory an accomplished speaker’s words took the entire world to war and millions died as a result. No one thought that man would get into power. Donald Trump wants to be arguably the most powerful man in the world. If there is a chance that Trump could get into power, then the trajectory of his hate speech and its stated aims cannot be laughed off or dismissed as simple ‘free speech’.

“If the UK government is serious about its stated aims, then this is arguably the strongest, most clear-cut case for banning it has ever had before it. Please side with the half a million strong who make this request as a small step towards a more tolerant and peaceful United Kingdom – and a less hate-filled world.

“I thank the Petitions Committee; the administrators of the petition, the Home Office and the Government for considering this petition; I do not see how this request, made by so many, backed by fact and precedent, can do anything except succeed.”

Sources/links:

[1] http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/18/us/politics/crimes-against-muslim-americans-and-mosques-rise-sharply.html?_r=0
[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/12/12/hate-speech-is-going-mainstream/
[3] http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/william-celli-arrested-explosives-muslims
[4] http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/08/a-trump-inspired-hate-crime-in-boston/401906/
[5] http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/dec/09/petition-calling-for-donald-trump-to-be-banned-from-uk-signed-by-85000
[6] http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/trump-isis-you-have-take-out-their-families

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Petition To Ban Trump For Hate Speech Goes Live

Aberdeen City, Featured, News 35 Responses »

Dec 082015

With thanks to Suzanne Kelly.

A petition demanding Donald Trump be banned from the United Kingdom has been approved and launched today. Should it attract the required number of signatures, it will be discussed in the House of Commons.

The launching of the petition follows closely another petition initiated by the same author demanding that Aberdeen’s Robert Gordon University strips Trump of the honorary degree it bestowed on him in 2010, which has already gathered nearly 9000 signatures.

The latest petition, raised in response to a recent series of distasteful, divisive comments made by Donald Trump as part of his US Presidential campaign, reads:

“The signatories believe Donald J Trump should be banned from UK entry. The UK has banned entry to many individuals for hate speech. The same principles should apply to everyone who wishes to enter the UK. If the United Kingdom is to continue applying the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria to those who wish to enter its borders, it must be fairly applied to the rich as well as poor, and the weak as well as powerful.”

The petition can be found here: https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/114003/signatures/new

Suzanne Kelly, petition author, said:

“The petition will allow all UK residents who want to stand up against hate speech and Donald Trump’s hate speech specifically the opportunity to do so. Trump persists with comments which I feel denigrating races, nationalities, women, religious groups. I would term this hate speech, and to my mind he becomes more outlandish and unacceptable as each day passes. I am not alone in feeling this way by a long shot.

“We are looking at a US Presidential candidate who wants to institute policies which to me are fascism. People have been barred from the United Kingdom for less.”

There is also a petition by Kelly on 38 Degrees asking Robert Gordon University in Aberdeen to strip Trump of an honorary degree it bestowed on him five years ago. Kelly will shortly contact the university; a protest has been suggested as the next step.

Kelly said:

“If this university adheres to its own principles of inclusiveness, then allowing the degree to stand is an insult to those who worked hard and earned degrees. We need to be celebrating diversity and increase our tolerance of other people and cultures; Trump is the antithesis to me of where we should be heading.”

Suzanne Kelly has been following Donald Trump’s exploits from the Menie Estate Golf Development to recent gaffes and today’s shocking suggestion Muslims be barred from entering the United States. She has written articles and reports on Donald Trump for Aberdeen Voice, a free, online newspaper serving Aberdeen and the North East of Scotland.

She also contributed to the BBC’s Panorama programme on Trump, and some of her work has been used by journalist Anthony Baxter in his film A Dangerous Game, which followed his award-winning film on Trump’s presence at Menie, ‘You’ve Been Trumped’.

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Spear of Destiny Meets Krakatoa

Aberdeen City, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Nov 062015

Staring up from the depths of a fluorescent blue cocktail served in a fishbowl is a beautifully carved goldfish made of pumpkin. Skull-splitting metal of some sort is making conversation nearly impossible. A Ninja in full regalia at the door is having a pint with a goth who’s wearing fangs as neon Tiki figures shimmer on the walls in the black light. If not for Spear of Destiny playing in an hour’s time, this could have been your average night at Krakatoa.

Suzanne Kelly goes to her third SoD Moorings – sorry Krakatoa – show.

Tonight is the penultimate night of the current Spear tour; tomorrow they have to be in Whitby headlining a goth festival, as you do. Would they be pulling their punches and going through the motions tonight? Other acts have done so when hitting Aberdeen, but resting on past successes isn’t part of the ethos for Spear.

Opening Act Mark Ayling (pictured below) said:

“I had a great night, Spear of Destiny were on form and played a great set and it was nice to see a good crowd out to support live music.

“it’s the biggest crowd I’ve seen at an Aberdeen gig for a while.”

Some of the wiser, more experienced fans, or ‘Spear Family’, prudently decided to stay back from the front of the stage.

Tonight wasn’t quite as frenzied and bruise-inducing as usual, perhaps in some part due to the presence of Spear virgin Alan Gray. I was a bit concerned about him, as he happens to be a wheelchair user.

Knowing that anyone in vicinity of the dance floor at a SoD show is likely to wind up covered with bruises and marinated in beer, I mentioned to a few nearby guys to please keep an eye out for Alan.

Before I could finish speaking, they’d opened up a path for him to the front of the stage.

Only once towards the end was I worried about him, but I needn’t have been when the floor turned into the expected frenzy.

So – did Alan like his first ever Spear live show?

“I waited 30 years to see them live. It was everything I wanted it to be and a lot more.”

He left with a copy of their latest album, 31, and a huge smile on his face.

It’s been said I’m partial to this band, and indeed I am, but you’d not be able to find any fault tonight. The pacing of the set, the well-honed but fresh, energetic musical calibre – all great stuff. I’d love to give you the full set list but for the fact I was looking after others’ limbs, my own limbs, drinking a pint and trying to write in a little notebook at the same time.

At any rate they opened with World Service; most of the audience naming that tune and screaming for it before the first measure had been played. Never Take me Alive soon followed, then to Roddy Kennedy’s delight Once in Her Lifetime.

From the most recent album 31, Spear played Sputnik, Fascinations (single from the album) and The Failure.

In all these pieces you can hear subtle or large differences from the studio work; at the risk of repeating myself from previous reviews, this is why you come to live performances; to hear something new brought to the arrangements.

For many bands displaying basic musical competence outside of a studio is a stretch; for SoD playing live seems to be something they truly relish.

For others, the reason to go see a band has to be to take selfies and record the show on a mobile, so you can watch it back later, and don’t have to stop talking to your friends about who’s going to win either celebrity bake-off or the ladies’ Queen of the South v Hearts match. I pity these people.

Truly, some people are incapable of letting a 3 minute song go without speaking; tuning them out seems to be becoming an art form.

This is not to be confused with the people who for instance wouldn’t normally speak to each other at all, but when hearing Mickey (my favourite anti-war anthem) will sing every word and dance with their arms around each other’s shoulders. And that’s how it should be.

WE also had Everything Has A Price, Soldier Soldier, and close with I Liberate. Brandon said something about Edward Snowdon – or at least I think he did. The only fault was that it was over too soon.

The band genuinely seemed to have had an enjoyable evening in Aberdeen; Aberdeen loved having them.

When they got to Whitby the next night they did a stunning version of The Sisters of Mercy’s Temple of Love (on a cobweb-decorated stage no less) with Craig Adams taking lead vocals. Have a look at that here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANdYppeJVU&feature=youtu.be

But yes, it was all over in a flash; the band, the cocktail with the fish and the Ninja all disappeared. But I dare say Aberdeen will welcome Spear with open arms again next time.

Bibo Keeley’s Banned Artwork BrewDog Premier

Articles No Responses »

Oct 222015

Artist Bibo Keeley’s work ‘FREE AS A BIRD’ was banned by Aberdeen’s North East Scotland College (NESCOL) earlier this year, where she was studying Art and Design as a mature student. But it can now be seen for the first time when it is exhibited at the BrewDog Bar in Aberdeen’s Gallowgate on 22 October 2015 from 7pm.

FREE AS A BIRD is a feminist artwork which denounces gender inequality. However, senior College management issued a banning order on the piece and denied Bibo Keeley the opportunity to exhibit her work at the College’s Creative End of Year Show.

This act of artistic censorship caused outrage among many people, both locally and on social media.

Meanwhile, the artwork has gained academic recognition, e.g. in the article ‘Bibo Keeley’s artwork in the context of North American, Scottish and British feminist art’ by art historians and Aberdeen University Lecturers Dr. Fern Insh and Dr. Amy Bryzgel:
Now the original artwork by Bibo Keeley will be the unveiled at an opening event at BrewDog Bar.

The artist will be present, and will introduce the work and the background as to how it came about.

There will be photo opportunities and the chance for discussions.

Bibo Keeley says

“I am delighted that I now have the opportunity to exhibit my work in public. I found it incredible that anyone would ban this artwork in the first place, because the work is very clearly aimed at promoting gender equality.”

Bibo Keeley’s website can be found here

The Nicest Monday Ever? Barenaked Ladies In Town

Articles No Responses »

Oct 192015

There are various stereotypes that Canadians have to live with – they wear plaid shirts, are always chilled out and friendly, and have a good sense of humour. The Barenaked Ladies might be where this idea comes from; it’s a long time since a bunch of guys on tour looked like they were wide-eyed, appreciative of their fans and host cities, and genuinely looked like they were having the time of their life in the Beach Ballroom. Suzanne Kelly reports; photography by Julie Thompson.

The show started with – and I’m heartbroken at having missed most of it — Men At Work’s inimitable Colin Hay. Hay’s got a few projects out, not least a film coming soon and a re-release of his album Havana Rocks on vinyl – details here. The Men at Work might have stopped working a few decades back, but he’s working the vocals and playing beautifully, as I see when he does ‘Who Can It Be Now?’ with the Ladies. He’s got one of the most distinctive voices in pop for decades, and it’s sounding wonderful.

Before the Barenaked Ladies come on, I talk to Fiona and Iain who tell me they’re long-term fans (the band has been going for nearly 30 years) and they’re dying to hear them live tonight.

Looks as if most of the audience knows the material as the night progresses, everyone’s singing along, even to the challenging ‘Big Bang Theory’ theme tune. The act is known for its clever, slick lyrics, and it’s clear they’ve had an impact on this crowd.

As well as the speedy rollercoaster that’s the Big Bang Theory theme tune, I find myself enjoying the slower, gentler ‘Duct Tape Heart’. Then there’s the humorous ‘If I had a Million Dollars.’ Even the photographers are singing along.

The only people not necessarily enjoying themselves are the three security guards at the front of the stage, who have been the subject of some of the good-hearted banter; being the centre of attention doesn’t seem to sit too well on these guards. But this evening’s turned into a cabaret, a comedy show, a rap improv night, and honestly, for a Monday night in Aberdeen, I can’t remember seeing such a collective good time.

Hay looks like he’s enjoying himself; the Barenaked Ladies are filled with an innocent, sweet kind of enthusiasm few people are possessed of. They’ve been wandering through Aberdeen today, seeking pinball thrills. We’re told that Ed came to the Moorings – sorry Krakatoa and got the number one score. I can officially confirm I’ve seen this is true. He’s told us all about it like an excited fifteen year old.

They seem like a bunch of big kids. Big cheerful Canadian kids.

I really hope they are having as much fun as it looks. I’m convinced this must be true when they deliver an Aberdeen-themed rap number near the encore.

The encore – Zeppelin. Rock & Roll; a nice fresh take on this classic has the ballroom fans – it’s sold out by the way – as cheery as the band is. It’s a competent take, or I’d have slated them severely. By the way, the band are (according to their website):

“After 27 years together, over 14 million albums sold, and multiple Juno Awards and Grammy nominations, Silverball, the cerebral band’s fourteenth album finds the long-standing partnership of Ed Robertson (guitar, vocals), Jim Creeggan (bass, vocals), Kevin Hearn (keyboard, guitar, vocals) and Tyler Stewart (drums, vocals) firing on all cylinders.”

But by these last few songs, every band member’s taken a tour of duty round the stage and I’m almost losing track of who is supposed to be singing, drumming or playing what guitar. They’re described as cerebral and I’ll give them that – not in a cold egghead condescending kind of way, but in terms of writing and playing, there are no weak links in this machine, which is probably why it’s kept going.

If they’re keeping it fresh for their audience, it’s because they’re keeping it fresh for themselves witnessed by the way they have totally personalised this evening, tailoring it like a Saville Row bespoke tailor, to Aberdeen.

I wish I could remember the words they sang about Aberdeen – I tried to catch it in a notebook, but the Barenaked Ladies are too fast for the likes of me. Mercurial? Absolutely.

When / if they next come back this way, I’m going to come back. Should I get a chance to see Hay again anytime soon, I’ll be on it. Really couldn’t have asked for a more all-round entertaining, cheerful evening.

Set list (thanks Julie)

Get Back Up, Old Apartment, Odds Are, Gonna Walk, Matter Of Time, Easy, Brian Wilson, Narrow Streets, Who Can It Be Now? – With Colin Hay, Falling For The First Time, Did I Say That Out Loud?, Passcode, Light Up My Room, Duct Tape Heart, Pinch Me – With Colin Hay, Big Bang, One Week, If I Had A Million Dollars, Barenaked Rap, Drawing, Rock & Roll.

Old Susannah No. 184: Organised Crime Special

Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 192015

Is the country in the grip of an organised crime onslaught? Old Susannah thinks so, and offers two bonus definitions, one courtesy of Aberdeen City Council. By Suzanne Kelly

Tally ho, and apologies for the late running of this service. There’s been so much going on in the Deen that I haven’t had time to put finger to keyboard until now.

BrewDog Bar had its 5th birthday – hard to believe it’s been that long. Beer and brownies were served (in moderation).

I’m doing a speech there this Thursday when they launch a show of Bibo Keeley’s artwork. This feminist artwork was just too much for the Aberdeen College up the road, as per this Aberdeen Voice article. If you’re free, drop in before 7:30pm.

The controlled explosion on Aberdeen’s Fun Beach this week seemed to have caught press attention. If the local journalists like this kind of thing, they need only come to Torry close to Bonfire Night.

By close to the night, I mean 6 months before to 6 months after. In fact, someone’s exploding something just off Victoria Road right now. I guess it just goes to show that our safety people really are on the ball. If they’re not banning pets and plastic chairs from events, making people queue for hours to get into an event, or putting people barriers across roads, they’re blowing things up. Great stuff.

The Harbour Board still insists that it wants only to take complete control of Nigg Bay so we can have cruise ships coming in.

These cruise ships full of rich tourists must be the same hordes of rich tourists which failed to materialise at the Trump golf course. The place is nothing like capacity, and losses are expected to be around £2,000,000 this past year. But the cruise ships; I can see it now – ships pull in full of wealthy tourist, their bulging wallets clutched in their hands as they make their way through the barbed wire keeping us Torry loons and quines away from their ships, down Victoria Road.

The millionaires will stop for a quick sandwich in SPAR or to place a bet before making their way to Union Square Mall, the Rodeo Drive of the North East. Spending their money, enriching the multinational shops’ coffers, they’ll saunter back down Victoria Road, through the dirt, dog dirt, overfilling dumpsters, and wave fondly as their ship pulls out. It’s almost too good to be true.

But at this rate there won’t be any room for definitions, so I’ll get on with it. Sadly, we have a crime problem, and unfortunately, organised crime exists. People team up to rob the unwary or the vulnerable, to steal, to trick, to exploit for profit. Here are some of the schemes they use.

Numbers Racket/Numbers Game: (Modern English Slang compound noun).

Definition 1 – to use statistics / numbers deliberately slanted with the intent of deception to win an argument.

Old Susannah includes this definition just for completeness, there aren’t any examples of this kind I can find in our area. I tried to think of examples the other day as I sadly walked through Union Terrace Gardens, lamenting the £18,000,000 the Granite Web could have made every year as 6,000 permanent jobs were created, and tourists (possibly from the cruise ships coming to Torry) flocked to see the granite ramps.

I was still trying to think of any examples of a numbers racket when I found myself at the Trump International Golf Links Scotland last week. I struggled to fight my way through the hordes of millionaire golfers queuing up for a £200 round of golf as the permanent Scottish staff struggled to accommodate. Should I think of any examples of this definition of a numbers game, I’ll let you know.

Definition 2 – (North American in origin) A lottery based on unpredictable numbers in the results of races, sports games, lotteries, etc.

I’m sure you’re as excited as I am about the new form of the National Lottery. It was great when they doubled the ticket price, but now that they’ve added an extra ten numbers, that means you have more choice! Result!

You can now choose even more numbers than before. Of course, your odds of winning are apparently as good as the chances of Donald Trump admitting that he’s got the world’s worst syrup on his head, or of a certain local billionaire paying the tax he actually morally owes. You have more chance of being hit by lightning than of winning a Lotto jackpot now. But it’s a nice little earner. For Camelot. And the government.

Some unkind folks call Lotto a tax on the poor. That’s nonsense. Besides, we’ve already got lots of taxes on the poor. There’s bedroom tax, fines for the homeless in some parts of the country, and a whole swathe of recent benefit cuts. Lotto’s really just a wee bit of psychological temptation for the poor. When I see people who barely have any money spending it on scratch cards, I’m as sure as they are that that one big win would make everything fine – if one or two people start gambling more than they should, it’s hardly the State’s fault, is it?

Protection Racket: (Modern English Slang compound noun) Practice of paying money in exchange for either not being directly attacked, or for getting assistance when it is needed. Often the person or organisation collecting the protection money will not come through when they are supposed to.

A modern version works like this. Jack works a 9-5 job and takes home £300 a week. The State says Jack has to pay for a scheme, called National Insurance. This is in case Jack ever gets sick, or needs help, or if he wants to keep eating when he is old. National Insurance is not classed as a tax by the way, so the racketeers can pretend they are not raising taxes if they raise National Insurance.

Jack gets sick. If and when he’s lucky, and if he lives in the right post code, he’ll get a great deal of medical help from dedicated professionals. If he’s in the wrong postcode at the wrong time, it will be a different story.

But things are changing. A number of American mobs are moving in on the UK protection racket, and want to get even more money out of us, by taking over the operations – literally. There are think tanks* coming up with papers and reports proving that we need to privatise the National Health Service which should be funded by our protection money – I mean National Insurance. They know they can bleed Jack for just that little bit more money.

Sometimes it doesn’t go well. Jill was taken ill – but she was overweight/smoked/drank too much/ took an ecstasy pill. There are some doctors out there who have let quite a growing number of Jills simply die.

Basically, you pays your money and you takes your chance. This is why many Jacks and Jills are now paying a further protection racket to try to get better odds of fast treatment (or just treatment at all). This link gives you a nostalgic look at how things have slightly shifted: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/10078062/why-do-we-pay-national-insurance

It’s not just a bad idea to get ill, it is a very, very bad idea to get old….

Pyramid Selling Scheme: (Modern English Slang compound noun) A financial fraud in which those who get in at the beginning are guaranteed benefit, but those who come in late – at the bottom of the pyramid – wind up losing out.

This National Insurance thing. It started out as a great idea, and it still is a great idea. Alas! The mob running it at present has turned the tables. They’d rather spend our tax and protection money ‘tooling up’ for when they have to go to war with the Middle East Mob, or wherever their gang warfare takes them next. Our money is not going on hospitals and pensions and protection so much as it is going on weapons. Lots of them. Billions of pounds worth. But that’s what the crime bosses want.

Anyway – you make the mistake of getting older. You’ve been paying into the pyramid scheme via your taxes and NI for decades. Not so fast: the bosses have moved the goal posts. You’re going to have to work a few more years. And as you get closer to that deadline, they posts move again.

The thing is – if the crime bosses keep buying all the lethal weapons and rockets they want with your money, and if people keep not dying but getting older – there’s not going to be enough money for your retirement. So they’re cutting back on what you were promised, little by little.

Decent place to live? Well, if you need a retirement home, they’ll take most of your money off of you before you can get into some kind of human (inhuman) warehouse. The people who are supposed to take care of you there are likely to be overworked, undertrained, and in some cases brutal. Your protection money is not likely to save you from the degradation, abuse or chemical coshing you are more than likely to receive.

So, we all keep paying in, we all keep trying to save. The goons that take our money and which will take those savings tell us they’ve got to rescue the banks or we’ll be in financial trouble. They say we need billions of pounds’ worth of weaponry to be safe. They say they need huge pay rises, incentive bonuses, and fat pensions.

Remember though, we are all in this together.

Next Week – probably a column of some sort from my prison cell.

Result! Bonus Definitions!

* Think Tank: (Modern English compound noun)– quick definition – a group undertaking research, often funded by those who want the think tank to reach a particular conclusion.

There are more think tanks about the NHS’s future than I can possibly list. Funny – most of these think tanks that are paid for by US healthcare companies are of the opinion the NHS should be privatised and run by, er – US healthcare companies.

Wank Tank: (Modern Aberdeen City Council compound noun)

My picture shows a document Aberdeen City Council’s Housing Department sent out a form to a resident, which reads: ‘Pipes overflowing from the wank tank, water pouring out from the loft overflow.’

Old Susannah is debating whether or not to ask Peter Leonard, head of this department, for help with a definition. If any readers can help, please do let me know.

At least it’s apparently only water coming out from the loft overflow.

Pictures not required in this instance, thank you; tanks but no tanks.

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Old Susannah No. 183 – A Pig and a Poke

Opinion, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

Oct 012015

Old Susannah makes a silk purse out of a sow’s ear with some timely political definitions. By Suzanne Kelly

‘In a Pig’s Ear’, I thought upon hearing a recent piece of political gossip; ‘Someone’s telling porkies’. The story put a look on my face akin to the look worn by Milliband in this photo from August.

Perhaps the tail in question, no doubt circulated by some squealer or other, was actually about the MP Richard Bacon? Perhaps a politician with their nose in the trough was behind the rumour? Doubtless some sow-and-sow was hamming it up to give us all a good ribbing. Truly, I never sausage a strange series of news headlines as those that were trotted out last week.

But it was true; Jeremy Corbyn is now Labour Leader.

Think of all that hard work that Tony Blair accomplished in modernising and improving Labour. What if it were all for nowt? All that creative writing that got the dodgy dossier ‘sexed up’ (not in the David Cameron sense of course)? What if we hadn’t got rid of Sadaam Hussein? What if Tony hadn’t been the Middle East Peace Envoy and had restored the balance of power we’re seeing the benefits of now?

No, Corbyn and his crazy ideas have to go.

Aside from worrying about someone who wants people earning decent wages, who wants to home these pesky immigrants/refugees, who wants to prevent nuclear war, it was a good week. I had a few lovely drinks down at Café 52 during the warm weather; and a few drinks in BrewDog. The BrewDog Jackhammer margarita remains my favourite beer cocktail, but Krakatoa has the tiki cocktail supremacy in Aberdeen sewn up.

My last cocktail there was a practically fluorescent purple delight, delicately flavoured with violets. As I can’t remember the name of it off hand, I’ll just have to go back and try some more of them. Nicely done Flash.

Under the Hammer has some of my artwork on show with the wonderful paintings of Neale Bothwell and some amazing prints from Graham, legendary contributor to Viz Magazine. His Black Bag, Faithful Borders Binliner’s escapades are on display and available as a limited print. Result!

But I digress. This Corbyn business has to be nipped in the bud. Here are a few timely definitions to show why there’s no room in Left Wing politics for a man who’s clearly Left Wing.

Trident: (Modern English Compound Noun) United States nuclear weaponry deployment system kindly gifted to a grateful UK and its taxpayers, keeping us safe from harm.

It was quite a political party for Labour in Brighton. According to the BBC Corbyn doesn’t like nuclear weapons:

“no way that he [Corbyn] would ever use nuclear weapons because they are “immoral”.”

Clearly someone who is so naive cannot be trusted to blow the bad guys up when it comes down to it. Now that they know that, they’ll be able to destroy the world before the West gets a chance to. Alas! We’ve simply got to win the last war, don’t we?

Some champion of the working man Corbyn proves to be – doesn’t he know lots of people work on Trident? What’s more important, making people retrain into other lines of work, or ensuring we can end the world? Keep those Trident jobs going; I hope the men and women who earn their living by ensuring our tax pounds are diverted from the NHS, welfare and education for this gangbuster guarantee of safety are as proud of what they do as I am proud of them.

Trident is a bargain at twice the price; first, we get to keep that ‘Special Relationship’ going with the USA. Makes me warm just thinking of that time Thatcher danced with Ronald Reagan. Secondly, it’s great at keeping us safe (even if those Russian jets which keep flying over England don’t realise it). Third – just think of the economic benefit.

There are over 500 civilians in Scotland employed because of Trident! Result! What’s more important, ethics and the world’s ecological health and species survival, or economics? I don’t think I need to spell it out any more than that. Further, our defence budget is around 30 billion or so (at least that we know about), and you’ve got to keep that growing. There may be a time for beating swords into ploughshares in the future. This ain’t it.

Foreign Policy: (English Compound Noun) strategies and values applied to international diplomacy.

You’d think the guy would have learned a thing or two from Brown or Blair, but apparently not. Here’s what Corbyn has to say about foreign policy:

“I argue for a different type of foreign policy based on political and not military solutions; on genuine internationalism that recognises that all human life is precious, no matter what nationality; and solidarity with the oppressed across the globe from the subjugated Palestinians to the displaced Chagos Islanders.” http://jeremycorbyn.org.uk/priorities/peace/

Again, there is this childish idealism that the left should actually have something to do with left wing, socialist values and human rights. He should have been disabused of this idea at one of Labour’s long ago Brighton conventions. A terrorist named Walter Wolfgang (yes, I did write about him once before) was removed from the room for interrupting proceedings under the newly created Blair-framed terrorism act.

In point of fact, the ever trustworthy Jack Straw was apparently speaking at the time, telling us why we needed to bomb Iraq. For whatever reason, Wolfgang disagreed. Of course this heckler was a life-long Labour supporter, who in his advancing 80 years must have lost the plot and thought criticising Blair was still allowed. The arrest threat was dropped, but at least we taught this dangerous terrorist a good lesson.

What Corbyn needs is a profile and popularity boost, and nothing says popular like invading the Falklands or Iraq. Hope he’s got a good war up his sleeve somewhere. After all, at first we all trusted Tony ‘Things can only get Better’ Blair and his charmingly toothsome wife Cherie with her arresting smile.

Morality: (English from the Latin) relating to what is good or bad behaviour.

If you needed any further reason to distrust Jeremy, did you know he’s been DIVORCED? Just what kind of person would do something so immoral and still think they had a right to be the United Kingdom’s Prime Minister?

No, I for one am happy to stick to Right Wing, Conservative family values.

And there you have the case against Corbyn. Old Susannah is off out now to a pork roast. I hear that some of our best political leaders like pulled pork. Or something like that.

Until the next time I take pen and oink to paper, tally ho, cheerio, etc.

Next week: Definition of the phrase ‘to go the whole hog’

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