Jun 062013
 

By Bob Smith.

I like the quote fae Mahatma Gandhi faar he said  “There is sufficiency in the world for man’s need but not for man’s greed” A wunner fit the wee mannie wid say noo fin consumerism is the new religion o the warld.
Or foo aboot Vernon Howard, the American author and philosopher faa wrote ” You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need”

If aat’s the case it wid appear nae muckle fowk hiv succeeded in life.

Economist billies keep tellin us we maun spen oor bawbees so aat the economy stairts tae growe again. Iss tae me is a heap o bliddy crap. Iss is foo sum puir fowk git intae debt – bi spennin dosh on thingies they dinna really need.

A’ve heard consumerism described as bein in the business o pinchin siller oot o fowks’ pooches withoot threatenin them wi hairm. An yet a  lot o us div get hairmed bi the consumer business fit is aided an abettit by the advertisin billies an the merchandisers.

The young in society are the eens maist likely tae faa fer aa the bling. Ye ken fit a mean – they’re aa telt they are oot o touch if they hinna got iss or aat, be it the newest smairt phone or the latest fashion accessory. Lead bi the nose tae the cash tills is foo a wid describe fits happ’nin.

I can hear a lot o fowk mutterin, “they dinna hae tae spen their siller if they dinna wint till“. Aye some fowk micht stairt oot tae nae spen sae muckle bawbees bit the power o advertisin an in the case o the young, peer pressure can force them tae dee itherwise. I wark’t in advertisin fer nigh on quarter o a ceentury an ken richt weel foo persuasive ads can be, baith fae a “must hae” situation tae panderin tae yer fantasies.

Tak the ad on TV faar a young chiel douses himsel wi a weel kent body spray an his a the bonnie lassies fae miles aroon comin in bye. Tak it fae me fowks it disna work. A’ve tried it!!!

Noo fin ye’ve aa recovered fae fa’in aboot laachin aat the thocht o a seeventy plus mannie splashin himsel unner the oxsters wi fine smellin stuffie an sittin in his airm-cheer waitin fer a boorachie o gweed leukin young weemin tae pye him a visit (ach I can aye dream), a’ll git back tae reality.

A read the followin bittie jist the ither day fit sums thingies up perfectly.

“Landfills swell wi cheap throwe awa products fit brak doon easily an canna be repaired. Some products are made psychologically obsolete lang afore they actually weer oot. A generation is growen up withoot kennin fit quality goods are. Freenship, faimily ties an personal autonomy are only promoted as a vehicle fer gift gien an the rationale fer the selection o communication services and personal acquisition. Aathing becums mediated throwe the spennin o siller on goods an services. Human beins faa canna spen becum worthless”

Source:- www.verdant.net/consumerism

Noo a’ve nithing agin shoppin as a rule bit faar it gits oot o haun is fin sum fowk gyaang oot fer een or twa bitties an cum hame with aboot a dizzen, jist cos  they war a bargain. A bargain is only a bargain if ye really need it at aat precise meenit.

Ma wife leuks at me in despair as fin I ging shoppin a ken fit a wint an efter a’ve bocht it a buggar aff oot o the shop like a reid ersed bee. Ma gweed wife  likes tae dee a bittie browsin afore an efter she’s bocht fit she wints.

Fit’s wrang wi aat a hear ye say? Nithing, so far as ma wife’s concerned, cos she’s resistant tae aa the sales spiel bit ower mony puir craiturs are catcht hook line an sinker. They’ve noo becum disciples o Mammon, the god o excess. Consumerism is the ivveryday face o iss “religion”.

( Above image licensed from http://www.genderforum.org/uploads/media/286ae254d0.jpg  under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License.  )

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May 312013
 

By Bob Smith.

A makkin o tatties
Fresh fae the dreel
Wi a dollop o butter
It fair tastes richt weel

Duke o York or Kerr’s Pink
An wi earth they are barkit
They aa miles aheid
Than fae ony supermairket

Majestic or Golden Wonder
Micht gyang throwe the bree
Bit onything is far better
Than Maris Piper tae me

Fin they’re bein plunted
An in earth they are stuck
Myn the best fertiliser’s
A gweed pile o muck

So praise the humble tattie
It’s gweed an it’s cheap
An nourishes yer body
Like an affa fine neep

Jist myn fin yer buyin
Taste it dis maitter
Auld varieties are best
Nae eens fit cam later

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013

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May 092013
 

By Bob Smith.

Boxes, boxes, boxes
Is aa we nooadays see
The “darlins” o modern architects
Be it Aiberdeen or Torquay

Thingies like yon Rubik’s Cube
O a Uni Library biggin
Leukin like the pint his run
A think it’s bliddy mingin

Union Square, o michty me
It’s jist aa steel an gless
Oor toon’s in the hauns o Philistines
Creatin a maist affa mess

The city skyline is fair important
Says Aiberdeen mannie Eric Auld
Seen throwe his artistic ee
Marischal Square it leaves him cauld

Fowk noo are fair upset
At fit they see gyaan on
Aa in the guise o progress
In the toon twixt Dee an Don

“Progress is jist the exchange
O ae nuisance fer anither”
So wrote  yon Havelock Ellis
Writer, Doctor an life giver

Boxes are fer storin things
Bit nae the human race
Stop biggins fit are jist bland
Dinna chynge oor city’s face

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image credit: Corporate Tree 2 © Andres Rodriguez | Dreamstime Stock Photos

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May 022013
 

By Bob Smith.

We’ve aa hid a  leukie
At plans fer the “Civic Square”
Tae replace St Nicholas Hoose
Eence it’s aa laid bare
.
Bliddy stracht edged biggins
O the usual gless an steel
Nae flair fae the architects
The concocshuns o some feel
.
Iss is the wye tae go
We hear the planners bleat
Great innovative designs
As modernity we maun meet
.
Fit a load o bliddy crap
We hiv the chunce tae hae
A great open green space
Faar fowk can sit or play
Dinna bigg on the foons
O the concrete St Nic’s Hoose
Mak it intae a fine square
Lit yer imaginations loose
.
Open up the bonnie view
O the hoose o Provost Skene
Wi greenery jist aa aroon
Plunty space tae meet a freen
.
A place tae sit an see
The grandeur o Marischal College
An myn back tae it’s days
As a placie full o knowledge
.
Aiberdonians are fair fed up
O biggins nae bricht an jolly
Especially eens fit micht be ca’ed
The future St Nicholas Hoose folly

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013

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Apr 182013
 

By Bob Smith.

I weel remember sunny days
Doon at aiberdeen beach
Fowk they were aa ower the place
As far as yer een cwid reach
.
There wis faithers in their bunnets
Wi’ troosers rolled up ti their knees
Mithers oot in their sunday best
Grunnies wrappit up agin the breeze
.
I myn the punch an judy shows
The sally army choir and band
Young fowk waakin airm in airm
As tho’ they war on the strand
.
Bairns lickin their ice cream
Or drinkin some lemonade
Bocht fae the inversnecky cafe
Or the washington on the esplanade
.
The inversnecky or the washington
War nae the only twa
faar you cwid buy ither things
Like candy floss or a rubber ba
.
If ye cwid fin a space
Ti sit doon on a rug
Oot wid come a picnic
Fae yer mither’s leather bug
.
Kites war flown up in the sky
Some wi bonnie paper tails
Sometimes een wid be let go
Fit brocht on affa wails
Then doon in past the carnival
Ti hae a shottie at hoop-la
Or maybe rollin the pennies
Wid win ye back een or twa
.
The dodgem cars i likit fine
The waltzers made ma queasy
At the various shootin galleries
My faither found winnin easy
.
I enjoyed the helter skelter
Faar ye slid doon on yer doup
Sometimes ye went aat faist
Yer hairt it gied a loup
.
There  wis boxin booths as weel
Faar young chiels hid a few goes
At  tacklin maybe a roon or twa
Wi lads fa were aul pros
.
Usually they nivver lasted lang
Bloody noses wis aa they got
But if they went the distance
A poond or so it wis their lot
.
At the end o a perfect day
Efter rinnin aboot on the sand
A  pokie o chips wis jist fine
Wi a mealie puddin in yer hand
.
.
.
©Bob Smith 9/3/2009
Image Credit: Pete Thomson
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Apr 052013
 

By Bob Smith.

A problem in rural Scotia
The scourge o modern day
Fan fowk faa hiv the money
Buy second hooses faar tae stay
.
Noo some young eens in the kwintraside
Leave skweel an wint tae bide
An gyaang tae wark near tae hame
Be it Skite or Deveronside
.
Bonnie hooses in rural villages
Snappit up bi fowk fae toons
Tae spend a wikk eyn or holidays
Oot-buyin local quines an loons
.
Holiday hames they are ca’ed
Faar ainers dinna bide at aa
Bit rint them oot tae tourists
Is iss nae bliddy eese ava
The young eens are the future
O the wee villages an toons
They’re haein tae leave the area
Cos o “second hame” bliddy goons
.
A hoose can be left empty
Fer wikks upon a time
Only bidden in noo an agin
Jist unused steen an lime
.
Holiday hames help oot tourism
Some fowk they div decree
Bit withoot a local population
The villages wull seen dee
.
.
.
.
© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Mar 282013
 

By Bob Smith.

Trumpie a see, wints tae hae a marquee
Plunkit richt in the middle o Menie
Haudin waddins an sic, fer ony rich prick
Fit am sure wull cost a fair penny

A marquee’s jist a name, fer a big tint on a frame
Far monied fowk can spik tae their pallies
Wull Trump be mine host, as pigs they div roast
An doon champers in a couple o swallies

Fae tap o marquee, flags ye micht see
Blawin stracht oot in the win
As sum drunken plunkers, faa intae the bunkers
Iss thocht it fair maks me grin

Nae doot Trump wull say, in his loodest bray
It’s the “Greatest Marquee in the Warld”
Fer the openin evint, invites wull be sint
As the Trump flags are infurled

Nae invite ye’ll see, tae the likes o me
Onywye a wid hae tae refuse
Local press wull be keen, tae mak sure they’re seen
So’s they hae the odd gin as they newse

As fowk dee a jig, fin samplin the pig
An lood music ower the dunes it is blarin
Wull oor boys in blue, stop the hullaballoo
Or micht they Trump badges be wearin

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013

Mar 072013
 

They’re free, they’re funny, and they’re found monthly at Aberdeen’s Belmont Cinema Bar.  They’re heading to Glasgow’s, ‘Round The Clock Comedy Roadshow,’ and they are Wildly Unprepared. By Suzanne Kelly.

Wildly Unprepared is a troupe of comedians offering up a thoroughly enjoyable blend of comedy improvisation and audience participation.
They recently celebrated a totally unprecedented one-year anniversary of shows in Aberdeen’s Belmont cinema, and have watched audience numbers and critical acclaim steadily grow.

‘Round The Clock Comedy Roadshow,’ which runs from Saturday 30th until Sunday 31st  March this year, is the first ever weekend comedy roadshow during the Glasgow International Comedy Festival.

This comedy roadshow is being done for a good cause, Clyde Cash for Kids, a fantastic charity that helps children in poverty throughout the West of Scotland.   Wildly  Unprepared are pleased to be part of the Round The Clock Comedy Roadshow.

Wildly Unprepared will perform on Sunday 31st March from 3 to 5pm at The Old Hairdressers, Renfield Lane, Glasgow.  See www.stereocafebar.com.

In the run up to the Sunday Show, Wildly Unprepared members Bambi McDee, Tomohawk Paul McGinn, and Robert Starr  will each perform solo on Saturday 30th March.

Robert Starr has a slot between 11am at Eurohostel, Clyde Street.

Tomohawk will be on between 12pm – 2pm at On the Rox at The Roxy 171, Great Western Road, and finally,

Bambi performs 3pm – 5pm at The Admiral Bar, Waterloo Street.

In Aberdeen, the Belmont show is held on the first Friday of each month from 8pm in the basement bar of the Belmont Cinema on Belmont Street – there is no admission charge.

The show is typically in two halves, each comprises several improvisation games, along the format of such shows as ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’ and ‘Mock the Week.’  Wildly Unprepared  members take turns on timed games, for instance where one comic will be assigned, by the audience, to have a (ludicrous) secret, and other members will have to get it out of them.

Other times, audience members will be asked to pose the team however they wish, as they have to improvise their way through perhaps a rugby game or discussion about anteaters.   Anything could happen, as the audience’s ideas are incorporated into whatever sketch or scene the guys are expected to act out.

With the audience participation aspect there is little ability to pre-plan any gags or dialogue – the improvisation is genuine, and genuinely funny.  Each member of Wildly Unprepared brings their own background in acting and/or comedy to bear in the skits, and the interaction between the different personalities makes this group work.

Past sketches include ‘Students Come Dine With Me’, ‘Pee Buddies’, and ‘Robert Built a House.

COMMENTS ABOUT WILDLY UNPREPARED:

 “Wildly funny!”  – their friend Iain who thinks he’s funny

“One of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen” – a hot girl Bambi tried to pick up

“Everyone should see this” – Pete Wood

“Ai Ai Ai Ai Aiiiiii” – Guitar Wifey

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Mar 072013
 

By Duncan Harley.

Depending upon your view, this little spiky haired character sitting on his bucket is either a part of our Scottish cultural heritage or the sole reason folk in the USA and elsewhere sometimes imagine that we all live in caves and eat haggis three times a day except on Sundays when we chase sheep around the place just for the devil of it!

“Oor Wullie”, for those not in the know, is a Scottish comic strip. It’s published in the Sunday Post, a Scottish newspaper printed in Dundee and seemingly somehow associated with journalism.

With an average circulation of 242,555 in 2012, which is just about what the Observer and Sunday Mail record sales wise, the newspaper has significant market penetration although there have been persistent rumours that many readers buy the paper and immediately send it abroad to ex-pats without either reading or indeed censoring the content.

Famed for columns about aches and pains, kilt races and lost pets it could be viewed as a sort of National Enquirer without the blood and murders and seems to satisfy those who don’t really want to be bothered overmuch with news or current affairs

The weekly cartoon features a character called Wullie, whose trademarks are spiky hair, dungarees and an upturned bucket, which he often uses as a seat. The artistic style settled down around 1940 and has changed little since. A frequent tagline reads, “Oor Wullie! Your Wullie! A’body’s Wullie” with probably no sexual innuendo intended. Mind you, after that Cardinal O’Brien fiasco, Wullie’s head might just be on the chopping block next!

The image of us Scots is often defined by such strange quirks of popular culture. Look for instance at that recent Hollywood blockbuster Brave which Visit Scotland no less promoted as an “Oscar-winning animated adventure from Disney, the team responsible for worldwide box office smashes such as Toy Story, Up and Finding Nemo”.

The story follows the red haired heroine Merida, a skilled teenage archer battling to change her fate. Toy Story, Finding Nemo and a teenage lady archer? What on earth has that got to do with Scotland?

Braveheart was bad enough, being described by Billy Connolly as “a piece of pure Australian shite” and voted number one on the British film magazine Empire’s list of “The Top 10 Worst Best Pictures”. The plot involves a smattering of history plus a rampant sexual relationship between Mel Gibson and Princess Isabella.

Isabella of course was born in 1295, and Wallace was killed in 1305, making her only ten at the time. Isabella did not have her first child until 1312, which was seven years after Wallace had died. Do the maths!

Such assaults on the Scottish image remind me of that awful Brigadoon musical of the 1950’s in which some American tourists stumble upon an enchanted Scottish village called Brigadoon.

Every 100 years seemingly, the people of Brigadoon awaken for 24 hours then go back to sleep for another century. After performing on Broadway and London’s West End it was made into a film then a TV series staring Peter Falk of Lieutenant Columbo fame.

With Scottish Independence the horizon it might just be time to have a wee think about how we portray Scotland in the eyes of the world. After all what we put out to the world is what we will reap.

Plus we certainly don’t want any more write ups such as this tripe by a man who claims to half Scottish …

 “I am both proud and excited to share with you my most recent addition to the Trump golf portfolio, in The Home of Golf, Scotland. I have been actively looking for links land in Europe for the past few years, and of course my preference was Scotland over any other country because I am half Scottish.

“My Mother, Mary MacLeod is from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis. She grew up in a simple croft until she landed in Manhattan at the age of 20 and her first language was Gaelic. When I saw this piece of land I was overwhelmed by the imposing dunes and rugged Aberdeenshire coastline. I knew that this was the perfect site for Trump International – Scotland.

“I have never seen such an unspoiled and dramatic sea side landscape and the location makes it perfect for our development. Our site is close to two of the world’s most famous courses and is just 25 minutes by car from Aberdeen Airport. As this exciting development comes to fruition, the standards for the golf experience in Scotland will be taken to new levels of excellence by the addition of Trump International Golf Links.”

Donald J. Trump

Feb 282013
 

Hall Harper looks at the phenomenon of unwanted telephone calls and offers some suggestions on how to deal with them.

I suspect there are few, if any, of us who have never had an unwanted telephone call – and I’m not talking here about ones from great uncle Charlie asking if you could see your way clear to lend him a couple of bob, unwanted as these may be.

No, I’m talking about the ones from a range of organisations who want to sell you insurance, double glazing, a new kitchen or, the current favourite, the opportunity to handle your PPI claim.

In fairness, I’m willing to accept that these come from victims of the current economic situation who have been unable to find employment other than sitting in a call centre somewhere for a pittance. 

So while I am extremely unlikely to even consider buying whatever it is they’re trying to sell I will, I hope, let them down fairly politely with a “sorry, but I’m afraid I’m not interested.”

The ones, however, that really do get to me are the scam calls – the ones from (usually) a foreign lady or gentleman who tell you that they’re ‘phoning from Windows and have had it drawn to their attention by their technical department that your computer is currently at risk.  The scenario, I understand, which is supposed to unfold is that they offer to sort the problem for you for a small charge which can be paid by advising the caller of your credit or debit card details.

Needless to say, there is no technical department, nor is there a problem with your computer.  There is, however, a problem when you provide your bank details and the folk calling you swick you out of your hard earned spondulicks.

There are, I’ve found, a number of ways to deal with these calls depending upon your mood and the time you have available.  So if you’re totally stretched for time or are just not in the mood to indulge in any sort of communication, the simplest thing to do is hang up at the point you realise it’s a scam call.

The next step up is when you’re short of time but want, at the very least, to score a minor victory by having the last word.  Again the way to achieve this is quite simple.  You simply take a well known Anglo-Saxon expletive and use it in a two word phrase ending with ‘off’ before hanging up.

The point is to see how long it takes the caller to terminate the conversation

If, however, you have a bit of time on your hands and want a bit of fun (and remember you’re not paying for the call, they are) there are a few jolly japes available, the point of which is to see how long it takes for the unwanted caller to hang up on you.

The first is the one unashamedly stolen from a television ad which is when you sweetly ask the caller to, “please hang on a moment,” lay the receiver down and go and make yourself a coffee, do the crossword, go and do the shopping if you want – they’ll give up sooner or later.  (I did this one time and kept quietly listening in from time to time to see how long they hung on.  Surprisingly it was over ten minutes.)

Then there’s the ‘one word method.’  This comprises of steeling yourself, however chatty or insistent the caller becomes, to limit yourself to only one word.  The obvious one is “yes” although I suspect a real expert at the game could come up with something a bit more adventurous.

The point is to see how long it takes the caller to terminate the conversation which, if the only response they’re getting is “yes” actually takes less time than you might imagine.

But my all time favourite is the ‘bad line method’ which, as the name I believe suggests, requires you to pretend that there is a fault on the line which renders you unable to make out what the caller is saying.  This is easily done by firstly advising the caller that, as it’s a bad line, you didn’t make out what they said and inviting them to repeat what they’ve said and, once they’ve done this twice, you then ask them to spell it.

A recent call I had went something like this:

Caller:      Good morning, my name is Daniel.  I’m calling from Windows and we have identified a problem with your computer.

Me:           I’m sorry but it’s a very bad line.  What did you say your name was?

Caller:      Daniel.

Me:           I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.  Can you repeat please?

Caller:      Daniel.

Me:           I’m sorry, I still didn’t get it.  Can you spell it please?

Caller:      D-A-N-I-E-L

Me:           Daniel?

Caller:      Yes, Daniel.

Me:           And the name of your company?

Caller:      Windows.

Me:           Sorry but it’s a REALLY bad line.  Could you spell that please?

Caller:      W-I-N-D-O-W-S.

Me:           Windows?

Caller:      Yes – Windows!

Me:           Ah, I see.  So you’re selling double glazing.

Caller:      No, it’s about your computer.

Me:           But you said you were calling about windows.  What have windows got to do with computers?

Caller:      No, I’m calling because we’ve identified that you’ve got a problem with your computer.

Me:           Sorry but it really is a very bad line.  Can you repeat that please?

Caller:      We-have-identified-that-you-have-a-problem-with-your-computer!

Me:           My computer?

Caller:      Yes, your computer.

Me:           But I don’t have a computer.

Caller hangs up.

RESULT!

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