Bob Smith Archives - Page 5 of 8

Fin Yer Brain Is Fair Trauchled

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Jun 182011

By Bob Smith.

As ye growe aul dis yer brain retire
It sure dis cause ye frustration an ire
Ye myn fine fit happened in 1952
Fit ye did last wikk-ye hinna a clue

Ye meet an aul freen fin oot a walk
And aa ye can dee is taak an taak
In the hope ye can myn the mannie’s name
An ye dinna hae ti hing yer heid in shame

At the bottom o the stairs ye ken fit ye wint
Fin ye reach the tap yer brain its got tint
Were ye up for a hankie or maybe a purse
It fair maks ye hae a bit sweir or curse

Ye watch an aul film an the leadin lady
Her name Ah’m feart it is a bit shady
Is it Jane Russell or Yvonne De Carlo
Her hair is dark so it’s nae Jean Harlow

Name aat song-ye shud ken it fine
No it wisna sung bi Sydney Devine
Wis it maybe written bi Rodgers an Hart
Or Sammy Cahn or yon Lionel Bart

Ye can myn faa scored in the final o’ 59
The twa teams involved comes ti ye fine
Nae sae sure faa played last ear
Neen o them comes ti myn – oh dear!

Yer ain name of coorse ye myn it weel
So maybe yer nae sae bliddy feel
Bit faa’s aat wummin ?- it’s got ye licked?
Forget yer wife’s name an yer erse’ll get kicked

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”
Picture © Pathathai Chungyam | Dreamstime.com

McCaig’s Folly?

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Jun 102011

By Bob Smith.

A young chiel is bein touted
As leader o oor cooncil mob
A lot o fowk are speirin
Is the loon up ti the job?

A suppose the billie he dis ken
Fit a task he’d be takin on
The cooncil’s fair cash strappit
In iss toon twixt Dee an Don

A truly hope he his mair sense
Than cooncillors Malone an Dean
Faa some fowk hiv noo branded
Amang the worst they’ve ivver seen

Wull he hae the gumption
Ti staun up ti ACSEF’s ploys?
Or wull he turn oot ti be
Jist anither o ACSEF’s toys?

A hope the laddie disna think
Iss jobbie wull be a jolly
Or his tenure micht be kent
As Aiberdeen’s “McCaig’s Folly”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Crushin The Spirit

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 302011

By Bob Smith.

Chris Matthew’s bin in the local paper
Fer cairryin oot a daredevil caper
He pluntit a cone on tap o a spire
Raisin Gordon College’s heid yins ire

Noo there wis some danger ti the loon
As on the spire he wint up an doon
The school’s reaction wint ower the score
An the loon’s noo pairt o college fowklore

Ti remove the cone a crane they hired
Faa thocht o iss they shud be fired
Yer brain wi a question I wid tax
Hiv they nivver heard o steeplejacks

Thirteen hunner quid ti remove a cone
Shud hae us aa jist hae a moan
Foo muckle is charged bi the oor
It’s ower the tap aat’s fer sure

Health an safety’ll bin ti the fore
We canna noo fart bit some aul bore
Wull say their breathin’s been affected
Common sense nae langer detected

The spirit o the young we are crushin
Eccentricity ti the back we’re pushin
A schoolboy prank aa this wis
Yet some fowk are in a bliddy tizz

Gordon College fowkies shud lichten up
A wee reprimand geen ti iss young pup
It seems society’s lost the plot
The spirit o adventure we’ve forgot

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Fittie’s Future? – As Maybe Seen By ACSEF

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May 202011

By Bob Smith.

The MS Europa wis ower big
Ti berth in oor hairbour watters
We ACSEF chiels are already thinkin
The toon’s reputation’s in tatters

We canna lose future tourist fowk
So eence mair we’ll use a trick
We’ll get aa oor PR billies
Ti lay it on richt thick

Us ACSEF chiels are the lads
Ti organise things in the city
We’ll jist hae a bunch o CPOs
Gien ti the fowk faa bide in Fittie

We’ll knock doon aa their hoosies
Syne mak the hairbour fine an big
An great muckle cruise liners can sail
Past the golf course ower at Nigg

Ach we ken the fowk in Fittie
Wull be tearin oot their hair
It’s for the gweed o the toon
So we dinna bliddy care

Noo there’ll be a lot o protest
So we’ll hae ti be richt fly
An git oor freens in the cooncil
Ti agree plans on the sly

Michty me we’re richt clivver
Eence mair we’ve worked a con
Noo fit aboot some ither plans
Fer a marina on the Don?

The Poetry Mannie’s used poetic licence
Fin writin iss poem’s verses
Bit shud iss fiction come ti pass
We’ll kick ACSEF fowk up their erses

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

The Question – Deid? or Fit?

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May 062011

By Bob Smith.

Osama bin Laden he is deid

So says President Obama

Bit iss is maybe nae the eyn

There could bi yet mair drama

Will Donald Trump believe it ?

Or micht The Donald pontificate?

An refuse ti believe Bin Laden’s deid

Withoot seein a death certificate?

Wi’ A Hooch An’ A Skirl

Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, History, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 062011

By Bob Smith.

Nivver myn The Duncin in Kyle
Lit me tak ye back a fyle
Fin on duncin I wis richt keen
In the halls o’ Garlogie,Echt an’ Skene

Ye birled ti bands like Bert Duff
Fin loons like me wid strut their stuff
Some at duncin war fair fleet
Ither eens they hid twa left feet

There wis ither bands like Mary Milne
Fa hid ye waltzin wi great will
Ye war up duncin an eichtsome reel
Hoochin an skirlin like a feel

Maist couldna afford a motor car
Bit they cam fae near an far
Buses, bikes an usin their feet
At wikkends they war nivver beat

Ye’d ask a quine up for a dance
Roon an roon the hall ye’d prance
Quicksteps, waltzes an foxtrots
Sometimes yer feet war tied in knots

Great times ye hid tull near midnicht
Some loons wid be an affa sicht
Een or twa hid ower muckle booze
The chunce o’ a date they wid lose

Duncin wis the time for ti chat
Ither quines fa maybe cam fae Clatt
Or deems fa bade up in Midmar
Fower o’ them cam doon by car

Noo an again a fecht wid occur
Like fin some feel wid cast a slur
On the virtue o’ a local quine
Oor dander wis then up ti ninety nine

We were aa Jock Tamson’s bairns
Ti the duncin for tae learn
Foo ti dee an eichtsome birl
An aa the lassies wid hooch an skirl.

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Donald’s Tong Connections

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Apr 292011

By Bob Smith.

Trumpie’s spies hiv bin lit loose
Nae doot aa lookin shifty
Diggin fer proof Obama wis born
In the USA state number fifty

Donald’s nae sure far Obama is fae
Disna think it’s in Hawaii
Noo his goons are doon checkin
Presidential birth rules div comply

Some allege Obama’s a Kenyan
An his nae richt ti be in the post
Bit the President’s mither’s American
So Donald jist awa an git lost

Noo dis Donald nae claim his mither
Born in Tong syne USA she did gyang
Maybe iss shud as weel be contested
Jist in case the mannie is wrang

Donald please gie us the proof
Yer mither cam fae the isles in the west
Let aabody see yer certificate o birth
An pit yer claims noo ti the test

Fox News are “trumpetin” Donald
Ti run for presidency of the US of A
Wi backin fae iss richt wing lot
Americans shud start ti pray

Wis Mary Anne born in Tong?
Wis Donald in Queens, New York?
Micht there be a bit o confusion
If it wis a bliddy useless stork

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

Aiberdeen’s “The Burj”?

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 222011

By Bob Smith.

Anither iconic building we need
Is the view o yon Stewartie Spence
A luxury hotel like his nae less
Chargin mair than a fyow poonds an pence

Gie St Nicholas Hoose site awa says he
Ti some gweed developer chappie
Faa’ll build a great fantoosh palace
Ti keep the weel aff richt happy

A hotel nae doot fer the rich
Like the Burj ower in Dubai
A placie fer toffs ti swan aroon
Far prices are fair sky-high

Bit let’s hae an iconic building
Fer the less fortunate in oor toon
A placie fer the hameless ti bide
Wid be mair o a bliddy boon

Awa wi yer haverins Mr Spence
We’ve aneuch for the rich ti survive
We need ti look efter the poor
Faa’s lives hiv teen a bit o’ a dive

Nae doot he’ll class me “a traitor”
Fer nae wintin oor economy ti expand
Bit aboot the gap atween rich an poor
I’ll nae beery ma heid in the sand

O coorse anither use fer iss site
Is ti mak it a City Square
C’mon aa ye toon cooncillors
Aa it taks is a bittie flair

We Winna See The Trees Fer The Widd

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 152011

By Bob Smith.

Destroy his vision at yer peril
Ye bunch o ignorant plebs
He’s mair money than the lot o ye
An aat includes ony media celebs

He thinks ye’ve gin aff yer heid
If ye turn doon his generous offers
We’ll nae survive withoot him
There’s nae money in city coffers

Neen o yer speil he wints ti hear
Aboot the green lungs o the city
Iss is aboot pittin lots o dosh
In his Acsef cronies kitty

A fine specimen o a roof gairden
Fae some architect wull be seen
The toon centre transformed says he
Fair sparkling in front o yer een

Faa‘s mou dis aa iss crap cum fae?
O aye yon millionaire mannie Widdie
Some think the billie a richt gweed chiel
Ti the rest he’s a bliddy diddie

Lament Fer The Northeast

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Apr 072011

By Bob Smith.

Faar’s the likes o Tammy Mitchell
A provost wi nae falderals
Nae cavortin wi Acsef types
Or big lood moo’d Yankee pals

Provost Mitchell he spak the lingo
O the local North East lan
Ye aye kent fit wis fit
Fin Tammy shook yer haun

Nae mair chiels like Bob Boothby
Or mannies like yon Robert Hughes
Ye micht nae agreed wi their politicks
Be ye kent they’d peyed life’s dues

Jist mealie-mou’d gabbin gadgies
In the political scene the noo
Maist o oor Scottish MSPs
Shud bi on the bliddy Broo

Nae worthies in oor local council
Like Dick Gallagher or Alex Collie
Jist a bunch o maistly fearty fowk
An we greet at aa their folly

Nae muckle fish landed at Aiberdeen
Since the discovery o aa the ile
Nae mony fish market porters
Hiv ye seen noo fer a fyle

Nae chatter o riveters haimmers
Or the soond o tackety boots
Jist the noise o fower bi fowers
Driven bi billies in Armani suits

The young in oor wee villages
Canna afford ti buy a hoose
The reason is ower plain ti see
Incomers hiv bin lit loose

Fowk faa wark miles awa
In the toon o Aiberdeen
Hiv snaffled aa the village hooses
Or as holiday hames they’re teen

Nae mony local shops o ony note
Cos they’ve aa gin ti the wa
Nae langer a leevel playin field
Supermarkets hiv pinched the ba

We eesed ti hae a gweed paper
The P&J wis aye breezy an bright
It’s nae langer kent as impartial
The pages are noo fu o shite

Nae chunce o mince an skirlie
At some funcy restaurant placies
The chef wid look doon his nose
An pull affa funny facies

The reason he wid gie ye
As he whisks up his blancmange
Is ye canna serve up skirlie
Wi a dish o Duck a l’orange

At Pittodrie I watched gweed fitba
Faar players talents war set free
Noo it’s aa blackboard tactics
Wi systems 4-5-1 an 4-3-3

N.E. culture some say is wanein
Bit the Doric it still huds fast
An as lang as we aye spik it
It’ll nae bi in the past

I’m sure ye’ll bi noo hae gethered
I’m haein a wee rant an rail
An if a happen ti lan in jile
Wull somebody please pey ma bail

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2011

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