Oct 222010
 

By Bob Smith.

The Donald’s thinkin’ o applyin’
Fir tenancy o the Fite Hoose
Total chaos in the Oval Room
If this mannie is lit loose

Trump ridin’ ti America’s rescue
Wi aa his bluff an bluster
Fowk wid see a resemblance
Ti yon General Geordie Custer

Noo Custer he wis beaten
Sittin’ Bull brocht him doon
Trump he’ll be defeated
Cos he’s a big buffoon

The voters in America micht ask
Fit credentials can ye accrue?
Oor Donald wid o coorse retort
A doctorate fae the RGU

Sittin’ in the Fite Hoose
Democrats gettin’ up his nose
I’ve got the verra idea
Jist issue some CPO’s

He’ll nae like the Iranians
The North Koreans he’ll dismiss
Some leaders like Evo Morales
Will be the first ti tak the piss

Trump wi finger on nuclear button
Shoutin’ warld here’s fit’s fit
Aah dammit ma digit’s slippit
Oh bugger it! Oh shit!!

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

Oct 152010
 

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Firstly, two men here in Aberdeen held down a pet cat so their pitbull could savage it.  Let’s find them quickly.  Well done to the Council official who wrote to me a while back to say we didn’t have any problems with banned breeds, dog fighting, or dog owners who are encouraging problems.  That’s all I say on the matter without becoming less polite except keep an eye on your pets and keep them in at night.

Cheerier note – Old Susannah saw a man with a young child stop in the streets today, pick up someone else’s litter, and put it into a bin.  Can we have more like him please?

Dream Job

There are certain industries where there are so many perks and benefits, people are willing to take low paid jobs just to get their foot in the door and be part of the excitement.  In the film and television world, people willingly take lower salaries than in other business sectors – in exchange for this they get to go to film premiers, mingle with stars on occasion, and get access to movies.  People go into the music business to get free CDs, go to concerts, etc. and therefore happily accept less pay than they might get elsewhere.  And so it is with Council staff – they get the honour of walking the corridors of power and even sometimes getting a glimpse of Kate or Stewart – if they’re lucky.  Sometimes meetings (of which there is no shortage) have biscuits as well as tea and coffee.  You would think in those situations people wouldn’t ask for more money.  However, the local Unions have wild ideas.

First, there is some silly notion that men and women doing the same work should be paid the same amount of money.  Then some people actually want to be paid overtime for evenings and weekends.  Finally, the unions are asking for a pay rise higher than 1.5%!  Do these people really think that’s fair?  After all, for most of them, that would probably mean an extra candy bar a month.

If the experts nationally are correct, then inflation is running somewhere around 3%, so a 1.5% raise is perfectly fair for these privileged personnel.  Of course there is the odd suggestion now and then that the atmosphere in some of the Council departments is less than friendly, but that no doubt is sour grapes. I hope the Unions will realise just how lucky they are to be connected with our fantastic Council – perhaps they should all take a voluntary pay cut?  After all, the City does have serious expenses – such as finding some £235,000 to pay for 8 ’European and Diversity’ people.

Sustainable Growth

Sustainability is the watchword in public and private sectors these days; it’s almost as if there was some kind of limit on our resources.  Luckily past generations had the foresight to put land aside for ‘wildlife’ and ‘recreation’.   Examples of these can be found in Union Terrace Gardens, Loirston Loch and Sunnybank Park.  Thanks to those who preserved these lands, we are in a good place for some ‘sustainable growth’.  In order for Builders to keep growing their businesses, they have to keep building more things, and that means they need places to build on.  In order for the Council to keep growing, it needs more taxes from residents and businesses, so it needs to keep making new housing and new shopping malls and the like.  It would hardly do to use the existing buildings that are boarded up – that won’t help the builders.  Of course, a system based on continuous building can go on forever – well at least as long as there are green spaces to build on.

“On The Map”

Thank goodness:  Scotland is going to be “On The Map”!! Old Susannah’s invitation to RGU to see Sir Ian Wood give Donald Trump an honorary degree got lost in the post.  However, my spies told me Sir Ian’s immortal words which were along the line of thanking Mr Trump for his golfing development, which is going to put Scotland on the map for golf!  Is it possible Scotland will become a destination for golfers?  Watch this space!

Oct 152010
 

By George Anderson.

I was shopping in Turriff last week, failing, as usual, to find a low-salt, low-fat, cholesterol-free, high-fibre titbit for my supper. Something healthy enough to turn my doctor’s frown to a smile, but with a hint of indulgence. Something with the life enhancing promise of muesli and the bohemian decadence of a Walnut Whip.

In pursuit of this unlikely product, I circled the supermarket’s food hall until I was light-headed.

I eventually concluded that I could have decadence or health, but not both in the same foodstuff and finally fell to considering a carton of peely-wally looking cottage cheese with a kirn of minced greenery through it.

A note on the side claimed that the carton contained eighty-five percent of the vitamins and minerals needed to survive the day, including folic acid, riboflavin and iron. I was just swithering whether to look for something nearer ninety percent – just to be on the safe side – when I realised I was obsessed with nutrition. “When did this start”, I wondered? Having been an Aberdeen loon in the sixties when the government urged us to eat butter, milk and cheese as if the four minute warning had just sounded, I certainly wasn’t so fussy about what went over my thrapple.

I stuffed my face each morning with a brace of Aberdeen rolls. By the time I entered the Grammar School in 1966 I’d eaten eight times my body weight in dough – and remember, I’m not talking about dough with cholesterol-lowering plant extracts, Omega-3, or bifidus digestivum. I’m talking about dough with saturated fat and enough salt to corrode the tailpipe of a Morris Minor.

lard was so popular that people would spread it on bread if they had to, but get it they must.

Nutritionally speaking, things didn’t improve much at lunchtime. The fear of being force-fed semolina kept me permanently away from school dinners and I largely survived on a diet of Sports Mixtures and sherbet-filled flying saucers.

Supper consisted of polony which Ma bought by the yard from the Home & Colonial in George Street. Cut into slices, polony could be grilled, fried, or used to wedge open doors during flittings. For sheer versatility and taste, no other sausage came close.

When Ma was unable due to weemin’s trouble to make supper, the spurtle of power passed to Da. Da’s generation embraced the concept of ‘Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook’ long before Ainsley Harriott ever shoogled a skillet in earnest.  In those days working class men believed that standing too close to a domestic appliance (close enough to use it) shrivelled the gonads, so Da avoided cooking whenever possible. This often meant pottit heid: scrapings of meat from a cow’s skull, suspended in meat jelly. It was cheap and required no cooking. I wish it had required no eating either but I had no choice. I wanted to start a helpline for those exposed to pottit heid but Da said “No”.

Supper was followed by mugs of tea, neep jam (What else could it be? It wasn’t made from any fruit I’ve ever tasted) and white panned loaf from which all nutrients had been diligently thrashed. Variety was added to our diet by means of the chipper supper. Did this increase our life expectancy? It’s unlikely. These were the days when lard was so popular that people would spread it on bread if they had to, but get it they must.

Our nearest chipper was Archie’s in John Street. The ten o’clock shout of “Last orders” in Cooper’s Bar across the street from Archie’s heralded a nightly stampede for all things deep fried that made the customer’s side of Archie’s counter look like the floor of the Tokyo stock exchange. If elbowing your way through this stramash for a single mock chop wasn’t worth the inevitable black eye, you could stick your nose in the air and follow the whiff of over-used fat all the way to the White Rose chipper in Mounthooly. Here you could buy a tanner special: a shovel of chips and a fragment of deep fried sea-life that might be coalfish, starfish or seahorse depending on the by-catch landed at the fish market that morning.

“Fit kind o’ fish is this, mister?”

“Fit kind wi’d ye like it tae be, loon?”

“Huddock?”

‘It’s huddock then. Now, dee ye wint salt an’ vinegar or no?’

There were times when I tried to improve my diet by making stuff for myself. Like the day I was foolish enough to rustle up a batch of black sugar ale from a recipe my grunny gave me. Black sugar ale: The very phrase was as romantic as a Barbara Cartland novel. It sounded like something Long John Silver might have drunk. If he did he was a gype. Only a qualified chemist could supply the main ingredient: a bullet of liquorice so concentrated I had to sign a book before the pharmacist would hand it over.

When I got home I removed the slug of liquorice from the bag using the coal tongs, dropped it into a Hay’s Dazzle bottle filled with water and hastily screwed the top back on. The concoction was to be left undisturbed in a dark place for at least six weeks, so I stuck it on a shelf in the coal cellar. I reclaimed the cobwebbed bottle two months later by which time the contents had transformed themselves into an anthracite coloured sludge of extraordinary laxative power.  I opened the bottle and took an exploratory whiff of the fumes lurking in the neck of the bottle and ……..well, let’s just say they were sliding polony under the lavvy door for days.

Why didn’t we all come down with scurvy and double rickets?  Probably because every Saturday Ma bought a tea-chest of ‘chippit fruit’ from The Orchard in Upperkirkgate. Chippit fruit. Nowadays I suppose it would be called ‘distressed’ fruit — was a generic term for all the fruit the fruiterer couldn’t palm off on anybody sober: oranges that had been knelt on, terminally bruised bananas or melons the shop assistant had been playing keepie-up with during the week. This weekly super-boosting of our immune systems most likely kept us all out of hospital.

I returned to the present to find myself still clutching the cottage cheese. I intended to head straight for the checkout with it but an unseen hand guided my trolley to the cold meats section of the store, where I stood gazing at a yard of pre-packed polony with a nostalgic eye. Maybe, just maybe, polony was as packed with vitamins and minerals as my reluctantly chosen cottage cheese. I examined the food label to see.

The main ingredients were listed as pork and bacon. Then came the phrase: ‘Other Meats’. Which other meats I thought? Badger? Three‑banded armadillo? Rusk followed that. Rusk is a variety of edible sawdust the government allows butchers to mix with meat while the customer roots distractedly in the veggie basket for a decent neep. Further down the list where the tiniest of writing strained my prescription glasses to their limit, I found E450K (Wasn’t this the stuff they put in wallpaper paste to kill fungus?); Colour 128 (I Googled it when I got home. It’s in the Dulux range as Fencepost); and anti‑oxidant 301 (an early rocket fuel used by Wernher von Braun if I wasn’t mistaken). No mention of folic acid, riboflavin or iron.

I stood there for some time looking from cottage cheese to polony and back again. I know our sixties diet would be enough to make today’s nutritional boffins at the Rowett Institute cowk on their Special K, but don’t they say that a little of what you fancy does you good?  It just depends on your definition of ‘little’ I suppose.

“Dee ye ken the polony sassidge is buy-een-get-een-for-nithing jist noo?” the lassie at the checkout asked,

“Dee ye wint tae rin back and get anither een?” I took the lassie up on her offer, put the cottage cheese back where I found it and set off home.

Over the next few days I managed to eat the whole two yards. Guilt free. Or so I thought. The night I scoffed the last of it I fell asleep with a contented smile but looking like I’d swallowed a fully inflated beach ball. At two in the morning, I sprang bolt upright out of a nightmare, peching like a ploughman’s horse at lowsin’-time. I was back in the Aberdeen tenement where I grew up. A gang of vitamins had infiltrated our house through a crack in the pointing. Armed with a tattie-masher, Ma pursued the intruders from room to room, clambering over furniture and twice falling down the back of the radiogram before driving them out.

Before I fell sleep again I promised myself that in the morning I’d devote my life to Ryvita and green tea. I should be fine so long as I stay well away from the cold meats section of the supermarket in Turriff.

Oct 082010
 

A Tale Of  Two Cities

By Ahayma Dootz.

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.

Or, anyway, it rained in the morning
but the sun came out in the afternoon.

In the morning the scene was set
in the city council chambers
where those in the public gallery witnessed
an uncertain, ill-informed, indecisive,
fragmented council debate

on the future of a rare green space
in the city centre. Yes, UTG.

If Union Terrace Gardens were a blank canvas
there would be few problems
but they’re not.

They now come encumbered
with politics, economics, sentiment,
prestige [both civic and personal],
futures, pasts
— they are no longer a park;

they are an Issue.

Up in the gallery,
we were no less guilty of having UTG in our minds
as a disembodied ‘thing’
equally weighted down
with hopes, fears and desires,

as we watched the debate below.

Later, in the afternoon,
in the sunlight,
some of us walked
through the real Gardens

and there were children digging,
planting, laughing, playing,
getting earth under their nails,
on their faces, clothes, everywhere

as grownups stood back
and tried to capture some fragment of their pleasure
with cameras.

Or, anyway, it rained in the morning
but in the afternoon the sun came out.

Oct 082010
 

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Two bits of good news this week – it seems a possible New Best Friend has been identified for fox batterer Derek Forbe.  Enter Mervyn New, 45, operations director for Marine Subsea UK, reported to prosecutors for shooting baby seagull chicks (too young to fly) from his Aberdeen office window. One was killed, the other suffered in a wounded state until put down.  Perhaps like Forbes it was a case self-defence for New.

It would have come as something of a surprise to find seabirds nesting near the Aberdeen coast, and hopefully Mr New won’t find the media attention too distressing.  After all, office workers are historically known to surf the web, hang around the water cooler and kill things.  No doubt New and Forbes can go ‘clubbing’ together sometime.  My other cheery news is that Donald Trump is considering running for presidency of the United States.  Break out the champagne (but drink responsibly – see below)

RSPB

We wouldn’t have have our poor, hardworking executives falling foul (or is that ‘fowl’?) of silly wildlife laws if it weren’t for organisations like the SSPCA and the RSPB.  The RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds) is an organisation that exists to stop people like Forbes and New having any fun.   It seems the RSPB has just issued a report saying that the situation is serious for wild birds in Scotland.  Apparently things called ‘loss of habitation’ (like when parks are turned into car parks) and fragmentation of habitation (like when parks are turned into football stadia) are bad for birds and other wildlife.  So there you have it – the less green space, the less wildlife.  Yes, that sounds like a very farfetched conclusion.  But if we keep going the way we are, then the world will be a safer place for Forbes and New.   Birds apparently pollinate wild plants and food crops, and feed off of insects, so they won’t be missed much.

Dine in for Two for £10
Loss of green space and loss of wildlife are as nothing compared to some social ills.  Sometimes a problem is so dreadful the temptation is to sweep it under the carpet.  Therefore we should give thanks to the SNP for its bravery and sense of priorities:  Is it going to tackle pollution?  Crime?  The economic crisis?  Decaying schools and hospitals?  Better:  it is going to stop supermarket offers such as ‘Dine in for Two for £10’ once and for all.  Old Susannah understands they have their best people on this full time (doing field research).  Their backbench MSP, Dr Ian McKee, is going to cure Scotland of its alcohol problems in one go by stopping these meal deals.  Once the deal is gone, we’ll all go teetotal.  There are some people who can handle alcohol, and some who cannot.  If we stop everyone from having a glass of wine with their shrimp cocktail, chicken casserole and profiteroles, we’ll have a better society.

You see them —  couples, pensioners, working people –  racing to grocery stores when these specials are on, behaving like wild animals, grabbing main courses, side dishes, desserts – and a bottle of wine (although non-alcoholic drinks are clearly offered as well).  Don’t be fooled into thinking these people are going to eat any of the food.  It’s the wine they want.  After ‘scoring’, they go home and ‘prepare’ – this ritual might involve plates, cutlery and glasses.  Delirious on the wine, they then go to the town centre, fight, commit crime, get sick in the streets, and so on.  Apparently a kidney charity says that such deals make taking alcohol seem socially acceptable.  You could be forgiven for thinking that 8,000 years’ worth of human civilisation had something to do with the concept that having wine was mainstream, but the SNP says otherwise.  Encouraging people to have a glass of wine alongside a three course meal is just wrong.

Cheers

Freedom of Information Act
A law came into being some years ago giving the public the freedom to ask for information; this law was cleverly called the Freedom of Information Act.  Since then, many government agencies have worked tirelessly to evade complying with it.  Some suspicious people have the nerve not to trust their local governments, and write to request information.  Unfortunately this creates work for the Information Officers (who were put in place to deal with requests).  Kevin Stewart of Aberdeen City Council has said that many of these requests are ‘absurd’.  If anyone knows about absurdity, it may well be Mr Stewart.  Such crazy requests might include questions on what happening to the Common Good Fund, why old buildings are occasionally sold for less than market value, how much money is spent on outside consultants, why the previous promise to leave Loirston Park alone is being ignored and so on.  One question was asked about the Council taking over Marischal College and spending £80 million in the process.  What were the alternatives?  Who suggested this?  Were proper costing’s done and analysed?  After a bit more than the maximum time allowed, the Council replied that the financial data used to select Marischal College as the best way forward was Copyrighted by the consultants who did the study – and could not be released.  The word absurd springs to mind again.

Copyright
A copyright is a form of protection which can be used to secure a creator’s rights over their creation.  The Harry Potter books and films are copyrighted; ‘Led Zepplin IV’ is copyrighted; ‘Gone with the Wind’ is copyrighted.  This stops unauthorised people passing the work off as their own, stealing parts of the work, or making unauthorised use of these creations, particularly for profit.  Old Susannah cannot find any form of copyright that would stop Aberdeen City Council from showing its figures for Marischal College expenditure and alternatives – unless the Council is planning a book or a film that is.  If anyone out there wants to ask the Council for the figures – or an explanation as to how such figures could possibly be copyrighted – please do send the Council a Freedom of Information Request.

Oct 082010
 

By Alex Mitchell.

The following was written some years ago around the theme of a ghost story in which the ghost does not appear.   “Forsythe House” is modeled on two grand houses in the North-East, one well-known, the other less so.   Those of a literary bent may also be able to identify the real-life model for “Emily”.

For some unknown reason, my sister and I used as children to spend a fortnight each summer with our decayed-gentry relations at Forsythe House, out in the back of beyond.   Like children everywhere, we took our surroundings for granted and thought nothing of the peculiar mixture of grandeur and squalor at Forsythe House.

Much the same was no doubt true for the various generations of Forsythes still living there.

The house itself was of a flamboyant baroque design, more appropriate to the sunny, smiling climate of Italy.   It was certainly not robust enough to stand up to the unrelenting wind and rain and alternating frost and thaw of the Buchan coast.   The surrounding estate and farmland had never been sufficiently productive to support such a grand household, certainly not after the advent of Death Duties and the agricultural depression of the 1920s and ’30s.   Domestic staff had to be ‘let go’, or were simply unobtainable.   In consequence, basic household repairs and maintenance had been neglected for years, even decades, on end.

Certain parts of the house were only in use during the summer months because of the deteriorating condition of the roof and the consequent spread of various kinds of rot and decay down through the structure and fabric, not least on the great central staircase and first-floor landings.   Door and window-frames had become warped and distorted, some now past being opened, but nonetheless allowing freezing draughts to penetrate.   The once-elegant reception rooms on the first floor, with their high, ornately-decorated ceilings and their tall sash windows rattling in the wind, were unbearably cold for much of the year; their matching pairs of fireplaces made little impact on the enveloping chill and damp, even back in the old days when servants were on call to drag logs, peat and coal up the back stairs and to attend to the warming flames.

During the severe winters and fuel shortages of the post-war years the Forsythes had tended to retreat to the gloomy basement kitchens, where huge cast-iron stoves and ranges consumed sawn-up branches from decayed or fallen trees scavenged from the surrounding forest and were kept burning night and day and all year round.   This was the only reliably warm area of the great house.

This was also where the cook and the few remaining servants had their television set – the only one in the house, naturally – with the result that the Forsythe ladies fell into the habit of slipping down the back stairs after dinner to sit with the domestic staff and watch Coronation Street and Opportunity Knocks, these odd little gatherings being illuminated only by the cosy orange-red glow from the stoves and range, reflected here and there in the greasy, smoke-blackened patina of the kitchen walls and ceilings.

we were both extremely conscious, even the first time we went there, of an oppressive sense of literally unbearable sadness

By the early 1960s, when my sister and I were making our regular summer visits, the Forsythes had virtually stopped using the first-floor accommodation and upstairs bedrooms altogether.

This was not simply because of the decayed and dangerous condition of the staircases, landings and upstairs corridors.

The sanitary arrangements for the bedrooms on the upper floor and attics had depended on commodes and chamber-pots, emptied each morning by the maids and domestics.   It was no longer possible to find young women from the village willing to do this kind of work, while the older family servants were not physically up to the fetching and carrying, upstairs and downstairs.   In consequence, the upstairs receptacles went unemptied for days, sometimes weeks, on end.

There was a similar problem with the various old gun-dogs which flopped and slobbered around the ground floor of the house, and which were either unable or unwilling to go outside in the cold of winter.   Carpets were fouled, and the mess was often left unattended to – and largely unnoticed – for weeks, even months.   In the old days, of course, the dogs would never have been allowed into the house in the first place.   As young children, we found all this hilariously funny, but, as we entered our teens, we became more prim and suburban in our attitudes towards personal and domestic hygiene, and came to resent the absence of proper bathrooms with showers and other modern conveniences.

We were left to roam about the house unchecked, risking our necks on the rotten staircases and landings.   My sister was a natural athlete and explorer; where she led, I followed.   But we preferred to avoid one of the bedrooms, always referred to by the Forsythe family as ‘Emily’s Room’, on the top floor of the west wing.   In itself, it was a pleasant enough room, of a sunny aspect, its attractive feminine décor still more-or-less intact.

the Forsythes were becoming so obviously weird and peculiar, their style of living so decayed and regressive, that our parents no longer felt able to entrust us to their care

The fact of the matter was that we were both extremely conscious, even the first time we went there, of an oppressive sense of literally unbearable sadness, of the deepest, most overwhelming sorrow and despair, which pervaded not only the room itself but also that end of the long back corridor, and the effect was that we tended thereafter to avoid the west wing altogether.

But we did find, inside a rickety old writing-table, a school exercise book, the property of one Emily Jane Forsythe, which contained various poems, draft versions of letters to a young man and assorted brief reflections, one of which has lodged in my mind ever since: “Perhaps it would be lonelier without the loneliness”.

We asked our Great-Aunt about Emily, as children would.   We were shown a faded, yellowed photograph of a radiant young girl – a distant cousin of ours – aged about eighteen.   We were led to believe that she had died not long afterwards, that Emily had suddenly been taken from us, like so many young people in those days, by one of the various killer diseases then extant; scarlet fever, consumption, diphtheria, whatever.

We did not find out the truth about Emily for some years, until what turned out to be our last summer at Forsythe House, the fact of the matter being that the Forsythes were becoming so obviously weird and peculiar, their style of living so decayed and regressive, that our parents no longer felt able to entrust us to their care.   Whilst wandering aimlessly in the mixed woods which year by year steadily encroached on the house and its grounds, we came across the old Forsythe family burial ground, apparently unused since the 1880s but for one quite recent interment, that of Emily Jane Forsythe, 1897-1959.   She had evidently died not long before we started our summer visits to Forsythe House.

Only then did our Great-Aunt tell us what had really happened to Emily.   She had been engaged to be married to a young man from one of the best local families, people of real standing and substance; the marriage would have transformed the declining fortunes of the Forsythes.   But it was the time of the Great War.   The young man had to go off to fight with his regiment in France, and, a few weeks later, was one of the sixty thousand killed on 1st July 1916, the first day of the Battle of the Somme.

The day the official telegram arrived at Forsythe House, Emily went up to her room in the west wing and shut herself away from the rest of the household.   And she never came out again, other than to roam the top corridor at night-times, howling at the moon like some kind of deranged animal.   As she had written in her exercise book, “Perhaps it would be lonelier without the loneliness”. And now, at last, we knew what our cousin Emily had meant.

Oct 082010
 

By Fred Wilkinson.

A local group of people with a shared enthusiasm for earth moving equipment has forwarded a proposal to Aberdeen City Council that the city coat of arms be replaced with a version more reflective of the bright future ahead for Aberdeen City and Shire.

Ground Up was formed in early 2010 by individuals from all over the Northeast who recognised the rise in profile, almost to iconic status, of all vehicles associated with the construction industry.

Chairman Doug Hall told Aberdeen Voice:

“It’s richt braw tae see sae mony on the go again. Oor group have organised hurlies as far apairt as Marischal College an’ Menie Estate tae watch the diggers daein’ thir jobby. It’s aye a sair fecht tae tak wersels awa hame, an’ abody’s aye left greetin’ fer mair.

“There’s nithin’ lik’ a great muckle construction site though. Tae see a’ the JCBs, the dozers, dumpers, larries an’ crans shiftin’ san’ an’ stanes in sic a co-ordinatit an’ efficient wye is jist smashin’. It aften tak’s the hicht o’ believin’ they’ve a mannie inside makkin them gin aboot. Jist magic, min”

When questioned on the controversy over the social and environmental impact of particular construction projects, Mr Hall was quick to point out that Ground Up has no interest in the politics of planning.

As founder member Phil Garden states,

“Och, at’s for ither fowk tae grouse aboot. We dinna get inveigult wi’ nane o’ thon. We dinna fash aboot fits ‘ere noo an’ fit’ll be ‘ere efter, an’ fit gins up fan efter at’s knockit doon. We’re jist gled that ae wye or anither we hiv a puckly fine days oot tae look forrit tae. Whither it’s Union Terrace, Balmiddie, Cove, Wellin’tin Road, Nigg, Westburn Perk or Pittodrie, we canna wait tae gin alang wi’ wer flasks an wir sammitches, an’ stan’ an’ watch the beasts shift grun.”

Ah think ther affa bonny like. Foo an’ivver, we div aye listen tae the fowk o’ the toon, and we hiv tae gie them a say

A spokesman for Aberdeen City Council confirmed that the proposed new coat of arms, featuring a manned bulldozer on either side of the familiar shield, was currently under consideration, but adoption of the design would be subject to lengthy public consultation. Cllr. Billy Auld commented:

“In order tae manage progress we hiv tae face facts, an’ the fact is, naebody fae Aiberdeen his ivver seen a unicorn, at least nae fer a gey lang fyle. But ony feel kens fit a bulldozer diz, an’ Ah canna think o’ a better depictification o’ the guardian angels o’ Aiberdeen. Ah think ther affa bonny like. Foo an’ivver, we div aye listen tae the fowk o’ the toon, and we hiv tae gie them a say on whither the bulldozers shid be yalla, or mibby grey. We’ll jist hiv tae wait an’ see”

A prominent manager of an undisclosed contruction company and chairman of an undisclosed Scottish Premier League football club was reported to be unwilling to comment on his alleged membership of Ground Up and rumours that he has accepted £400,000 from Aberdeen City Council for two JCBs to flank the entrance of their new HQ at Marischal College

Oct 012010
 

By Dave Watt.

Ever wonder how a city council of one of the most prosperous regions of Britain contrived to find itself £55 million in debt in 2007? Aberdeen Voice – courtesy of its home made time machine fearlessly delves into the newspapers of the past/future and brings you those stories that never quite made the front pages.

14th April 1746Council Defends Investing This Year’s Entire Pauper’s Budget in a civic reception for Bonnie Prince Charlie.

no images were found

Amidst an outcry from distressed Aberdeen Citizens Lord Provost Erasmus Stephen defended the council’s decision of spending the annual Pauper’s Fund on a Banquet for Bonnie Prince Charlie and his court. Lord Provost Stephen said that the money was well spent as His Royal Highness’s army would undoubtedly defeat the government forces during tomorrow’s battle at Culloden and that the prince’s gratitude would ensure that the city would be Scotland’s main port for trade with the continent.

Replying to those critics who pointed out that the Duke of Cumberland’s forces had the Jacobite army out numbered two to one and that the Prince had all the tactical awareness of a brain damaged tadpole, the Provost said that he would have actually backed Cumberland’s army but he ‘was afraid that people would laugh at him’.

July 13th 1789Council Delighted With Purchase in French Property Market Boom

Lord Provost Bampfylde Stephen assured Aberdeen citizens that cash spent in acquiring the Bastille in Paris as a hotel in the city centre is money well spent and pointed out that the fortress is in good repair, is on a major trade route and ‘is very handy for the shops’. He said the council expects a large return on their investment next year when crowds will be flocking into Paris for popular monarch Louis XVI’s jubilee.

January 29th 1843Council Invests Yearly Budget on Oak Plantation for Shipbuilding Futures

Provost Diggory Stephen says future of wooden ships are the way to go and dismisses hare brained schemes for iron ships. Council passed motion of censure on local shipbuilders AJ Hall and J Lewis for being led astray by crackpot inventors like Isambard Kingdom Brunel and derided the ludicrous notion that iron ships can float on water.

December 27th 1879Council Denies Financial Outlay in Railway Stock is Rash Move

The city council, fresh from their Yuletide festivities, were involved in an unseemly disturbance this morning as hundreds of outraged citizens objected to the 1880 Fund for Widows and Orphans being invested in the North British Railway Company. Lord Provost Siegfried Stephen, however, dismissed the complaint saying that there were only a few troublemaking protestors and that the money invested was as safe as Sir Thomas Bouch’s railway bridge over the Tay – recently built for the North British Railway Company.

October 28th 1929“We’re In The Money”, says Lord Provost

Council leader says ‘Happy days are here again’ as investing of entire Social Welfare Fund floats huge share portfolio on Wall Street. Lord Provost Rufus T. Firefly Stephen lit a huge cigar as he told assembled journalists this morning that the city’s financial future was assured now that Aberdeen’s wealth was there up on the big board on Wall Street. He dismissed complaints from impoverished citizens as being  the work of a few disgruntled Bolsheviks and malcontents.

Jan 3rd 1972Oil Finds off Aberdeen ‘Just Pie In The Sky’ says Provost

Consequently the city had been on the edge of total bankruptcy with only twenty thousand pounds left in the kitty

Aberdeen’s Provost Hiram J Stephen yesterday dismissed the notion of the city becoming a centre for the oil industry in the North Sea and assured citizens that rumours of large oil finds off the Scottish coast were ‘just so much moonshine’.

In addition, he congratulated the council on its perspicacious decision to invest the Community Welfare Budget on potato recycling. ‘There are vast deposits of tatties in the Grampian Region just waiting to be turned into fossil fuels’ he said.

And now – back to the future…..

September 30th 2020Granite City Saved from Destitution At Last Minute

Aberdeen Provost, head honcho and big enchilada, John Moonchild Fifi Trixibelle Stephen III and his ruling junta gave a collective sigh of relief as he announced that the apparently doomed city had saved by a last minute financial deal. To the angry and increasingly desperate crowds outside the Town House he declared that despite the concreting over of Union Terrace Gardens, the Duthie Park, and the construction of a golf course on the site of Aberdeen Royal Infirmary, visitors to the Granite City just hadn’t appeared in the hoped for numbers. Consequently the city had been on the edge of total bankruptcy with only twenty thousand pounds left in the kitty. Fortunately, however, he had that very morning received an e-mail from a multi-millionaire in Nigeria who wished to clear all his vast funds through a bank in the UK and only needed all of the city’s bank details whereupon which he would immediately send the city fifty percent of his account. Provost Stephen stated that our future was therefore assured…..

Oct 012010
 

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

A Quick Word on Willows Animal Sanctuary
Aberdeen City Council can find £200K for public relations firms to find out why people don’t want to get rid of Union Terrace Gardens.  Ian Wood can offer £50 Million to the City if it spends twice as much in getting rid of Union Terrace Gardens.  While the rest of us can’t hope to do anything as grand or important, Old Susannah would ask if anyone out there can please make a donation to Willows Animal Sanctuary in Fraserburgh which is in desperate need of money and animal feed (feed is being collected for all kinds of animals for Willows at Love and Roses, South Crown Street, Aberdeen).

Please visit http://www.willowsanimals.com to see what good work they do, and how you can help them survive.

The unfortunate reality is that when we are in hard, uncertain economic times, two things go wrong for animals.  Firstly, people cannot always afford to keep making donations to charities, and funding for many good causes from the private sector falls (which is why we are lucky to have such a compassionate, caring local government).  The second is that in hard times animals get cruelly dumped as people can’t afford food or veterinary care.  Willows is a major player in helping animals in the North East – please help if you can.

Property Maintenance
This may come as a surprise, but if you are a homeowner, then you should maintain your property.  Yes, really.  If you were unsure whether you should let your roof leak or your stairwells collapse, then Aberdeen City Council has come to your rescue.

Inspectors are visiting your streets as I write, looking at your gutters, stairs and slates, and if anything’s amiss, then a  dedicated team of inspectors will send you a glossy colour brochure and a letter telling you what you should do.  The keener inspector will ask to be let into your building, garden or home with no prior appointment.  (The phrase ‘Just say no’ springs to mind).

Old Susannah has received such a letter, advising that her building’s occupants ‘might want to look at their guttering’.  The letter helpfully says that the Council cannot force us to make any repairs – AT THE MOMENT.  Strangely enough, there is nothing to advise where the extra money will be coming from to make the suggested repairs.  It is gratifying to know that the Council can free up money and resources to tell private property owners what they should do.  Over the past few years I have seen people trip and injure themselves on the City’s hazardous, uneven pavements, and I know people who have waited months in Council flats for serious repairs including leaks.

A few years ago a woman was injured when her council flat ceiling fell in on her.  A certain local builder whose kitchen floors are prone to give way if too many people are on them,  may or may not have heard from the Council.  But as we all know kitchens are dangerous places, and only a few people should ever be in one at any given time.  I also understand from reliable sources  that there may be a slow-down on Council flat refurbishments and workers are being temporarily (?) laid off.  ‘Practice what you preach’ will appear in a forthcoming definition.

Project Management
Project management should be simple:  a project needs three things:  a budget, a timescale, and a ‘scope’ of exactly what the project should be, make, or accomplish.  About this time last year, NESTRANS (our friendly North East transportation quango/board) told an Aberdeen Civic Forum that it did not know how much the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route would cost or where the money was coming from.  It also could not say where the route would be going exactly.  Other than such trivialities, the AWPR will no doubt be a triumph.  The speaker did assure us however, that the project would happen in 2012.  Watch this space.

Bad Debts
The City Council HAS shown signs of improvement lately.  This year we are only (?) writing off £2.8 million pounds of ‘bad debt’ this year.  This is a vast improvement on the £11 million it wrote off a few years back.  It seems it’s just too hard to get money from some people who owe tax, parking fines, other fees – so we just declare it ‘bad debt’ and that’s that.  An affluent, economically sound city like Aberdeen can afford to do so.  Especially now that it has found some way to borrow £200 million worth of taxpayer’s money from the central government – which somehow is not going to cost us anything.  Well, unless you are a taxpayer.  Then you are loaning the City Council money.  No prizes for guessing that they want to put most of this into getting rid of  Union Terrace Gardens (sorry, building a prosperous civic square with parking and shops) – and have no interest in reinstating the many services it  has cut .

Oct 012010
 

By Bob Smith.

Trump flees in fae New York toon
Maybe wi flechs on University goon
Some micht say the “louse” is the wearer
Nae his claes fit are the bearer

New York city it is bug infested
At Dyce Airport Trump should be tested
Ti see if he is the cairrier o
Thae beesties fit loup ti an fro’

The thocht o flechs gyaan fae fowk ti fowk
Is aneuch ti mak some hae a cowk
Fit fin Trump is gettin’ his degree
A louse it lans on a wifie’s knee?

Her skirls wid be heard up in Turra
As she leaves the hall in a hurra
Itchin’ ti scratch the bit fit’s yockie
Fowk’ll think she’s deein’ the hokey cokey

The flech o coorse is haein’ gran’ fun
As aa the fowk are on the run
Trump’s fans they micht hae a grouse
The rest o us toast “Ti A Louse”

Here’s ti you wee loupin’ beestie
Awa ye go an hae a feastie
On Donald’s bleed hae a gweed sook
Maybe on his erse ye’ll raise a plook

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie “ 2010

See also Former Principal Returns Award