Dec 202012
 

By Bob Smith.

It’s bin alleged a cooncillor wifie
At a meeting hid a wee doze
Fin voting on a nicht club licence
The cooncil war in the throes

Did the craitur hae forty winks?
Did she hear the pros an cons?
Fit wye wis she alood tae vote, 
Fin they hid a show o hauns?

She claims she’d teen medication
Iss made her a wee bit fuzzy
A’m sure there’s ither cooncillors
Faa’s brains are afen muzzy

They tak decisions aboot oor toon
Iss maks ye fair hae a think
Foo mony micht feel drowsy
Cos they’ve hid a denner time drink?

Nithing wrang wi haen an aperitif
As lang’s ye dinna bicum a bam
Jist mak sure fin ye hae a tipple
Glenfiddich is yer faavrit dram

“Glenfiddich!!” A hear The Donald roar
“A plague on aa sic drinkers
Fusky fae Wm Grant’s distilleries
Is only fit fer bliddy minkers”

A’m nae suggestin the puir wumman
Wis jist a bittie warse fer weer
The story aboot her maybe dozin
Hisna made things affa clear

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

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Dec 142012
 

A few lucky souls got an advance copy of Oh Myyy! There Goes The Internet, George Takei’s latest literary offering. Aberdeen Voice’s Suzanne Kelly was one of them, and she’s very glad indeed.

Wielding his pen with the same flair Sulu wielded a rapier in Star Trek, the wit of George Takei cuts grammar Nazis, spammers, homophobes, trolls and other ne’er-do-wells down to size.

Is this book an updated biography? Is it a how-to manual on effectively using social media? A treatise on tolerance and equality? A history of the internet? A philosophical discourse examining issues such as collective intelligence?

Perhaps it is a compendium of memes found on the net that will make you laugh out loud?

Yes to all these, and then some, including an examination of our fascination with the end of the world, and… bacon.

Taking its name from the exclamation of surprise now synonymous with Takei, Oh Myyy! mixes  pearls of wisdom with memes (those cute/funny/cringe-making photos and captions found on Facebook and other social  media websites). One moment the reader is presented with offerings such as:

 “Have we as a society forgotten the importance of satire in our cultural dialogue? Have we grown so afraid of offending that we no longer dare pose the hard questions, or even the easy ones?”

The next, he/she is laughing out loud (perhaps I should say ‘LOL’) at memes of cats or tweets directed to Schwarzenegger.

The book also charts Takei’s journey from his early Twitter forays to becoming the de facto centre of news and fundraising when the 2011 Japanese tsunami and quake hit. No one could have foreseen his meteoric rise as a presence in social media from his early tweets and posts, but his messages and Public Service Announcements have become viral sensations.

Whether tackling an increasingly-fundamentalist element of American politics and its anti-gay legislation proposals, or the insidious and insipid Twilight franchise, Takei sets out to entertain and educate us: this strategy is key to what he has achieved.

Takei is not infallible and is the first to admit this, for instance owning up to accidentally posting Facebook status updates meant for intimate friends which went world-wide instead.

One of the book’s recurring themes is his sense of social responsibility. While he wants to post items on his home page to make people laugh, he also genuinely wishes to help as many deserving causes as he can.

Recognised world-wide as a humanitarian (most recently launching an appeal for the people hit by hurricane Sandy), Takei has been decorated by Japan in recognition for services to Japanese-American relations.

He is heavily involved in his legacy project ‘Allegiance’ – a musical concerning his experiences as a Japanese internment camp detainee in America.  Takei is recognised the world over for his work to bring about equality for LGBT people, notably taking to task high-profile homophobic American figures.

Takei survived early life ordeals (spent in part in an American internment camp for those of Japanese ancestry and subsequent poverty before the family recovered) going on to carve out an incredible acting career, fight successfully for his beliefs, help just causes, and entertain like no  one else can on social media.  I personally think the secret to his tenacity, endurance and success is his sense of humour, which is splendidly wicked.

In the book’s closing pages, Takei asks us to ‘dig a bit deeper on the pressing questions of the day’ and to ‘remember to keep things lighthearted so as not to take ourselves too seriously.’ Truer words were never tweeted. Finally, he describes himself as ‘laughing alongside you as the naughty gay Asian uncle you wish you had.’ Takei is that uncle for several million people the world over.

This collection of gems will repay your attention with laughs one moment and food for thought regarding social issues the next. Fans of Takei (over 3 million Facebook likes) will perhaps appreciate most the author’s winsome tone ringing true in every sentence.

A famous model once said: ‘I never read any books I haven’t written,’ a risible claim as it was well-known her novels were ghosted. Takei may have had some help from his husband, some interns and others – but these are his words and thoughts presented in his own inimitable style.

Takei writes that he is dazzled and inspired by our technological society; this is evident in the way he uses media and in how he writes. It is often hard to remember this is a 75-year-old man; his energy and enthusiastic embrace of technology should inspire people of all ages to push the boundaries of their skills, to learn, and to explore.

Note: in Aberdeen, Silver City Surfers are ready, willing and able to help older citizens get to grips with computers and the internet. Contact them here if you need help getting online: http://www.silvercitysurfers.co.uk/

The downside for some Aberdonians is that, while George once referred to Donald Trump as a douchebag, he now seems to think there is a side to the Donald that is willing to listen. Many local residents will agree with Takei’s first assessment.

Below is a link for buying Oh Myyy! There Goes The Internet. This is not a read for the humourless, easily offended grammar Nazi troll, but it is great fun for the rest of us. As one Amazon reviewer put it:

“I got the e-book a week ago in the pre-sell and have already read it through twice and have directed many of my friends to get it for themselves. You will not be disappointed! Why haven’t you stopped reading this review and clicked on ‘Add to Cart’? ;)”

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AHP5NY6/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B00AHP5NY6&linkCode=as2&tag=ohmy0c-20

The pre-order copy has an extra chapter providing further insight into Takei’s world.  This closes with the words: ‘May we Live Long and Prosper Together,’ a noble sentiment echoing Star Trek’s famous Vulcan greeting.

Live long and prosper together? If more people had Takei’s social conscience, enthusiasm, optimism, humour and energy, then I dare say we could do.

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Dec 062012
 

By Bob Smith.

Michael Forbes his bin voted
Glenfiddich’s “Tap Scot” o the year
Iss’ll hae Trumpie fair bilin
Gyaan reid in the face a fear
.
Michael wis geen iss award
Fer his steely determination
The puir chiel wis left speechless
Fin he received a standin ovation
.
Imaagine fit Trump’ll be thinking
As oor Michael he won iss award
Donald says he bides in a slum
An thinks him an affa cyaard
.
Noo Michael refused tae buckle
He unfurled the democracy flag
Stuck twa fingers up tae The Donald
As Trumpie cairry’t on wi his brag
.
Donald am sure wull pint oot
He’s bin created a GlobalScot
By some fowk in big business
Fa spoutit some mair tommyrot
Fit his Trump ivver deen fer Scotia
His he biggit his course bi default ?
Is money teen in fae the gowfers
In an American bank’s secure vault?
.
The award leaves Trump in a pickle
He canna say the hail thing’s a farce
Glenfiddich Distillery’s weel respected
An micht hae a kick at Trump’s arse
.
Raise a gless tae Michael Forbes
Fa stood an held the stage
Agin an American billionaire
Fa’s noo duncin aroon wi rage
.
Let’s jist hae anither award
Like Top Director o the year
Iss maan ging tae Anthony Baxter
Fa didna show Trump ony fear..
.
.

.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Dec 032012
 

By Bob Smith.

A  kid’s comic ca’ed  The Dandy
Wis born  in nineteen thirty siven
A weel myn  first readin it
An thocht awis in hivven

Fer ‘ears front page nivver chynged
‘Twis aye yon Korky the Cat
Fa acted like a human bein
An laached as weel as grat

Desperate Dan wisma favourite
A big cowboy fae Cactusville
Lookit efter bi his Aunt Uggie
He scoffed cow pies wi great will

The adventures o Black Bob
Wis a story in prose back then
Iss collie helpit oot his maister
A shepherd ca’ed Andrew Glenn

Div ye myn o Keyhole Kate
A richt nosey quine fer sure
Peerin throwe fowk’s keyholes
Her lugwis geen a clour

Anither een fit cums tae myn
Is Freddy the Fearless Flee
Fa wisna feart o onything
Tho’ times he wid nearly dee

Hungry Horace , a greedy loon
Wis ayewis lookin fer a feed
Be it cake or funcy pieces
Ony kine o grub wis gweed

Some o the comic characters
Wis drawn by a cartoonist chiel
Bi the name o Dudley Watkins
Oor Wullie an The Broons as weel

Bit am feart iss institution
Is weel past its sell by date
The kid’s nae langer  myn o
Korky the Cat or Keyhole Kate

The Dandy’s noo gaen digital
Bit nithing is as braw
As curlin up wi a comic
Fin ootside is win an snaw

So here’s tae a braw comic
Fit laisted ower siventy ears
Tae The Dandy an its characters
We shud raise three bliddy cheers
.

 

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Oct 312012
 

Another wonderful week has flown by in Aberdeen, and at this time of year, additional spookiness is in the air. By Suzanne Kelly. 

A Sweet Lily Adams cupcakes decorating session produced these holiday favourites; I hope you like.

Old Susannah also had a delicious dinner at La Stella.

Sadly I missed Wildly Unprepared’s Halloween evening at the Belmont, but I’m told it was a scream.

BrewDog launched this year’s ‘Movember’ charity event in aid of combatting men’s illnesses. Please support them if you can, just drop in to find out how. And thanks to Graeme Milne for giving us his Victoria Road ghost story as well.

In the news this week international observers denounced a recent vote as a backward step for democracy, marred by “the abuse of power and the excessive role of money”. For some reason, these observers think that abuse of power and money influenced the Ukraine’s recent vote.

Perhaps next time Aberdeen has a referendum, we should call on their services.

I am worried about  ACSEF – if they are keeping their minutes up to date (and they would of course) then they’ve not done anything since 19 June – some four and a half months. I for one am happy to keep paying tens of thousands of pounds to keep them going, meetings or no meetings. However, there is not much time left for them to get in the required two further full meetings before year end.

The elapsed time since 19 June is a lot of time for our best business brains to be thinking of new schemes. Could this coven be concocting anything even more hideous than the granite web?  Be afraid, be very afraid. Back in June, they had this to say:-

“ACSEF 5 Year Plan and Scheme of Delegation

“Rita Stephen outlined the progress being made in the development of the updated Economic Action Plan for Aberdeen City and Shire [must have been a short outline – OS]. The Plan has been given the title of “Building on Success” and not “Building on the Future” as stated in the report [An ACSEF report that is inaccurate – this is a first – OS].

“Discussions still ongoing with relevant leads as to the shaping of the actions within the Plan and also with Partners on the drafting of specific pieces of text [this sentence would be more of that ‘transparency we’ve heard so much about – OS].

“The structure of this Plan will follow the previous action plan format but will include more visuals/drawings/impressions etc [excellent – hope it’s the same team that did the granite web’s visuals – I liked the giant floating child in particular – OS]. “

Phew!  That’s a load off my mind. If they were planning to build on their future, I’d recommend they get a structural survey done first.  Besides, ‘Building on Success’ sounds much safer than building on their future, doesn’t it? I reckon they have slightly more success than they do future. Then again, if they’re going to build on their success, at least they’re planning something not as grand as the granite web, theatre and bosque.

But be warned. If they’re going to build on their success, what form might that take?  I kind of think ‘building on your common good land and seizing it by means of a private trust’ would be an apt name; perhaps I’ll suggest it.

Yes,  Halloween was Wednesday; many an oddly costumed character has been seen prowling the streets. Grotesque neeps with faces marked with pain, greed and/or anger are rife at this time of year, mostly in Marischal College or the Town House.

Did you know Marischal College has a ghost? Its corridors are said to be haunted by a wild-eyed, frightening  spirit of a woman who once briefly worked  in the building.  She is thought to still haunt the area, hoping one day to return.

A few weeks before Halloween, a very small group of people believed they saw her, this time in front of Marischal. The group was very small indeed  (I’m told it was some kind of mini protest), so there is no way to corroborate that particular sighting, which unusually happened during the day. However, there have been no further sightings of  ‘The Woman in Leggings’ since that time.

Perhaps her spirit will fade away over time, as occasionally happens in the spirit world.

Time for a seasonal look at some scary movies.

The Haunting: (director Robert Wise, starring Russ Tamblyn, Claire Bloom, Richard  Johnson and Julie Harris. 1963)

This black and white movie from the same director who gave us ‘West Side Story’ still has the power to send shivers up your spine. ‘A lame remake with Catherine Zeta Jones can’t hold a ghostly candle to this original.

In it, a team of alleged professionals set off inside a haunted gothic-style house called Marischal College. Their experiments prove costly, particularly on one member of the team who really isn’t the full shilling; she is later forced to depart.  The townspeople ‘don’t come nearer than town, no one will come any nearer than that’ afraid of the horror that lurks within. You never really see a ghost, or for that matter all the £60 million that was sunk into the old college – but the plumbing acts up for no reason mysteriously.

Frankenstein: (1931 – Boris Karloff, Colin Clive)

A mad, wealthy, unbalanced power hungry madman rules his small hamlet from his lofty castle called Triple Kirks, but still needs more power and money.  He orders his lackeys to assemble the lifeless parts which will be turned into a monster to do his bidding, which he calls ‘ACSEF’.

ACSEF starts humbly enough, doing as its master wishes, but once reaching full power, it begins to run amok, and causes devastation on the town, called ‘Aberdeen.’ While some of the assembled business and public sector parts which are welded into the monster have come from good, the brain was that of a dangerous madman, and it is the brain driving the creature to violence.

The creature does briefly call for our sympathy, it is created by all of society to some degree. However, when its path of destruction proves too much, it must be destroyed, and the townspeople rally. Killing the beast proves difficult, and it does come back in several sequel films. But it is always ultimately destroyed by the power of good.

Poltergeist: (1982, directed by Toby Hooper; written by Steven Spielberg).

A family move to a new housing development, which has been built on former greenbelt land. The real estate developer is all smiles as the family moves into its new suburban, urban sprawl neighbourhood. But things are not as they seem. The electrics don’t work too well.

Funny substances start oozing out of the walls, and the chimney catches fire. The toilets aren’t hooked up properly. In one particularly horrific scene, more than eight people are in the kitchen at one time, and the floor promptly collapses. Not for the faint-hearted, or for those who like to have parties in the kitchen.

Dead of Night: (1945, several directors; based on an HG Wells story).

An architect or perhaps home builder is trapped in a time loop for his past sins such as trying to cheat a city out of money in a land deal. He keeps reliving an evening all over again, where people tell ghastly stories for hours. It is indeed a full council meeting.

One story he is forced to endure concerns a ventriloquist and his youthful dummy. The ventriloquist pulls the strings and works the little puppet, but things slowly go mysteriously wrong. The puppet, which of course should do exactly as the ventriloquist wishes, starts to speak for itself, with  some embarrassing consequences for its master. This happens at a BBC debate about a garden.

Eventually the dummy’s antics help to undo his puppet master, who winds up a complete wreck. Was the ventriloquist actually someone with two personalities – one a generous benefactor doing charitable works, and the other a tax-shirking, land-grabbing robber baron? It is up to the viewer to decide.

The Malone Witch Project: A film in which a single-minded, arrogant woman sets out on a vanity project and winds up getting herself and her two misguided pals (played by Leonard and Tallboys) lost in a very hostile environment.

Her initial contempt for the townspeople she briefly speaks to at the beginning of the film comes back to haunt her. In their foolishness they wind up bickering about pointless things, ignoring the dangerous peril their careers and the Lib Dems are in.

In the end, the woods are desecrated; gorse is ploughed up and underneath lies pollution, rock, but no soil. In the end, the innocent are slaughtered. A harrowing  film to which Old Susannah is pleased to report there will be no sequel.

Next week:  who knows?  Happy Halloween!

Aug 102012
 

By Bob Smith.

The warld’s noo an affa place
Is the spik ye fyles div hear
The planet itsel’s nae tae blame
Jist some fowk fa’s on’t a fear 

Oor warld’s there tae be enjoyed
It’s faar aabody’s born and bred
It keeps us aa fed an wattered
In Aiberdeen or aroon the Med 

Heich snaw capped muntins
Faar ower valleys ye can look
In clear an crystal rivers
Brave fowk can hae a dook 

There’s buttercups an ither flooers
In leys aa ower oor  sphere
Wild animals an bonnie birdies
As weel as aa kines o deer 

Noo aathing’s nae hunky dory
Aat a div ken richt weel
We hiv a puckle greedy fowk
Fa tell lees or try tae steal

Politicians and bunker chiels
They fair div tap ma list
An bliddy big business diddy men
Fa only wint tae full their kist

Tak nae heed o sic buggers
There are fowk far mair genteel
Fa dee a lot o unsung gweed
An dinna parley wi the deil

Lit’s here it for iss warld o oors
An the gweed fowk on iss planet
Ignore the Trumps an their like
Listen tae yer auld Auntie Janet

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: Beautiful Alps © Hwee Fuan Tey | Dreamstime.com

Aug 092012
 

Dave Watt presents the third article of a series of three concerning ‘strops and arguments’ in the olympics.

“May joy and good fellowship reign, and in this manner, may the Olympic Torch pursue its way through ages, increasing friendly understanding among nations, for the good of a humanity always more enthusiastic, more courageous and more pure.”
– Baron Pierre de Coubertin – founder of the modern Olympics. Athens 1896.

1948 Olympiad London.

Although World War II was over, Europe was still ravaged from the war. When it was announced that the Olympic Games would be resumed, many debated whether it was wise to have a festival when many European countries were in ruins and people were near starvation.

To limit Britain’s responsibility to feed the participants, it was agreed that they would bring their own food. No new facilities were built for these Games, but Wembley Stadium had survived the war and proved adequate.

No Olympic Village was erected; the male athletes were housed at an army camp in Uxbridge and the women housed at Southlands College in dormitories. Germany and Japan, needless to say, were not invited to participate.

It was a generally good natured Olympiad, apart from US protests after their relay team was disqualified and the second placed British team had to give up their gold medals and received silver medals – which had been given up by the Italian team. The Italian team then received the bronze medals which had been given up by the Hungarian team.

1952 Olympiad Helsinki.

A total of 69 nations participated in these Games, up from 59 in the 1948 Games. Japan and Germany were both reinstated, but getting back to normal, the strops began with only West Germany providing athletes, since East Germany refused to participate in a joint German team.

The Republic of China, listed as “China (Formosa)”, withdrew from the Games on July 20, in protest at the People’s Republic of China’s men and women being permitted to compete. Israel entered for first time.

The US won 40 golds and a total of 76 medals with the new participants the USSR coming second with 22 golds and a total of 71 medals which just goes to show what you can do if sport is open to the entire population instead of being the preserve of a few toffs.

1956 Olympiad Melbourne.

In Europe, the USSR, suspecting the resurgence of fascism in Hungary, invaded the country, while the British and French attacked Egypt in order to regain control of the newly nationalised Suez Canal.

As a sign of protest 6 countries withdrew from the Olympics. The Netherlands, Spain and Switzerland withdrew because of the events in Hungary, while Iraq and Lebanon withdrew because of the conflict in Suez.

Less than two weeks before the opening ceremony, the People’s Republic of China also pulled out because the Republic of China (Taiwan) had been allowed to compete. Although the Games were not cancelled, there were many episodes such as the water-polo match between Russia and Hungary which turned into a major aquatic ruck.

On the plus side, East and West Germany were represented by one combined unified team.

Strangely, as the quarantine laws did not allow the entry of foreign horses into Australia, equestrian events were held in Stockholm in June 1956. The rest of the Games started in late November, when it was summertime in the Southern Hemisphere.

The Butterfly event in swimming was “invented” for the 1956 Games after some swimmers had begun to exploit a loophole in the breaststroke rules and rocketed past their more traditional opponents.

The Soviets dominated the Olympiad, winning 98 medals with 37 gold , while the Americans won 74 medals with 32 gold.

1960 Olympiad in Rome.

This proved to have a disappointing lack of strops apart from the ludicrous spectacle of Formosa representing all of China yet again. The points of interest were Abebe Bikila of Ethiopia winning the marathon bare-footed, to become the first black African Olympic champion; and a relatively unknown US boxer called Cassius Clay winning the boxing light-heavyweight gold medal.

Soviet gymnasts won 15 of 16 possible medals in women’s gymnastics, and the USSR won 43 golds, 29 silver and 31 bronze medals, comfortably topping the medal table.

1964 Olympiad in Tokyo.

In 1964, the IOC banned South Africa from the Games over its policy on racial segregation. The Sharpeville Massacre two years previously had been too much even for the UK and the US, who had been cheerleading happily for the South African state up until this point. The ban continued right up until 1992, following the abolition of apartheid in South Africa.

The US & Soviets shared the medals table, with the US winning more golds (36) but the USSR winning more medals overall (96 to the US’s 90).

Yoshinori Sakai, who was born in Miyoshi, Hiroshima on the day that it was destroyed by an atomic bomb, was chosen as the final torchbearer.

1968 Olympiad in Mexico City.

The 1968 Olympiad came during a turbulent year. Soviet tanks rolled into Prague, the US was fully involved in a full scale war against the Vietnamese and the country was riven internally by the repression of the Civil Rights movement culminating in the murder of Martin Luther King.

Only a few weeks prior to the games, the Mexican government had carried out a massacre of workers and students in the Plaza de las Tres Culturas, known as the Tlatelolco massacre. At one point there was serious speculation as to whether the games should go ahead.

East Germany and West Germany competed as separate entities for the first time at a Summer Olympiad, Formosa became Taiwan and continued to represent mainland China – at least in the eyes of Avery Brundage, president of the IOC.

However, the creation of the most iconic symbol that was to represent the 1968 Olympiad for all time came about because of the struggle of black athletes in the US.

Amateur black athletes initially formed OPHR, the Olympic Project for Human Rights, to organise a black boycott of the 1968 Olympic Games. OPHR was deeply influenced by the black freedom struggle and their goal was nothing less than to expose how the US used black athletes to project a lie about race relations both at home and internationally.

OPHR had four central demands: restore Muhammad Ali’s heavyweight boxing title, remove Avery Brundage as head of the International Olympic Committee, hire more black coaches, and disinvite South Africa and Rhodesia from the Olympics.

Ali’s belt had been taken by boxing’s powers-that-be earlier in the year for his resistance to the Vietnam draft. By standing with Ali, OPHR was expressing its opposition to the war and opposing a campaign of harassment and intimidation orchestrated by the IOC supporters of Brundage.

The wind went out of the sails of a broader boycott for many reasons, partly because the IOC re-committed to banning apartheid countries from the Games and also because some black athletes were unwilling to sacrifice their years of training on a point of principle.

However, On October 16, 1968, black sprinters Tommie Smith and John Carlos, the gold and bronze medalists in the men’s 200-meter race, took their places on the podium for the medal ceremony wearing black socks without shoes and civil rights badges. They lowered their heads and each defiantly raised a black-gloved fist as the Star Spangled Banner was played. Both were members of the Olympic Project for Human Rights.

Supporters praised the men for their courage in making their stand.

Some people, particularly Avery Brundage, felt that a political statement had no place in the international forum of the Olympic Games. In an immediate response to their actions, Smith and Carlos were suspended from the U.S. team by Brundage, and banned from the Olympic Village.

Those who opposed the protest said that the actions disgraced all Americans. Supporters, on the other hand, praised the men for their courage in making their stand.

Peter Norman, the Australian sprinter who came second in the 200m race, and Martin Jellinghaus, a member of the German bronze medal-winning 4×400-meter relay team, also wore Olympic Project for Human Rights badges at the games to show support for the suspended American sprinters.

Norman’s actions resulted in a reprimand, his absence from the following Olympic Games in Munich, despite easily making the qualifying time, and a failure of his national association to invite him to join other Australian medallists at the opening ceremony for the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Rather more creditably, Tommie Smith and John Carlos acted as pallbearers at Peter Norman’s funeral in 2006.

Aug 032012
 

Dave Watt presents the second article of a series of 3 concerning ‘strops and arguments’ in the olympics.

May joy and good fellowship reign, and in this manner, may the Olympic Torch pursue its way through ages, increasing friendly understanding among nations, for the good of a humanity always more enthusiastic, more courageous and more pure : – Baron Pierre de Coubertin – founder of the modern Olympics. Athens 1896

After some discussion in which the Germans put in a spirited bid Stockholm in Sweden was awarded the 1912 Olympiad with the unlucky Germans being promised the 1916 Games.

Stockholm introduced a series of firsts to the Olympics with the introduction of a electronic timing, a public address system and female athletes in the swimming and diving competitions with the last innovation causing an  Australian journalist to worry that the sight of women in bathing suits might incite lust amongst the spectators causing them to behave like ‘primitive blacks’.

The Swedish organisers banned boxing on humanitarian grounds but introduced the highly militaristic pentathlon in which the future megalomaniac George S Patton finished a disappointing fifth despite a diet of raw steak, salad and opium.

The usual growls and snarls began at the opening ceremony with the Finns opting out of the Russian team, the Czechs marching separately from their fellow Austro-Hungarian subject races and the Germans tramping around in formation eliciting boos and cries of ‘Prussian Militarism’ from the Swedes.

The usual racism was also on display with the US’s commendably diverse team being the subject of protests at non-white athletes ‘violating the Olympic ethos’ by having too much melanin in their skins.

Owing to World War One (having been unsuccessfully marketed as the ‘War to End Wars’ and the ‘War for Civilisation’ but eventually having to settle for the more prosaic ‘Great War’) the Berlin Olympiad didn’t materialise. The Germans consoled themselves by invading Belgium where, according to Allied propaganda, they bayoneted babies, raped nuns, shot civilians and threw poison gas around willy-nilly by way of endearing themselves to the locals.

Not surprisingly, the 1920 Olympiad, held in war-damaged Antwerp was rather low key and the Germans along with the Austrians, Turks, Bulgarians and Hungarians were all banned for picking the wrong side in the war and the Soviet Union was banned for presumably not having anyone closely related to Queen Victoria running their country.

The first five were also banned from the 1924 games as well (not that the IOC are ones to bear a grudge) but the Soviets were sportingly allowed to eventually compete in 1952 whereupon they wiped the floor with every other country in the medals haul until they returned to the wonderful paradise that is free-market capitalism in 1990.

Having participated in a four year bloodbath the few participants in Antwerp games were pretty matey all round with the US bagging most of the medals and the newly independent Finland coming second with the legendary Paavo Nurmi taking three track golds.

The 1924 Paris Olympiad.  Eh…Eric Liddell not running on a Sunday, Harold Abrahams, Chariots of Fire, men running along beach in vest and pants, blah, blah blah.

While this delightful piece of Anglocentric nostalgia was going on the Finns bagged thirteen gold, thirteen silver and five gold medals which isn’t bad for a country which has roughly the same population as Scotland but is obviously less devoted to Scotch pies and crap lager.

Needless to say, the usual deranged elements in the European press obligingly attributed the Finns success to the ‘wild mongol strain’ of their savage ancestors.

Love and international understanding reasserted itself when a Frenchman severely thrashed an enthusiastic American fan with a cane during the Franco-American rugby match and William DeHart became the first black athlete to win an individual gold amidst the usual grumblings about non-whites participating.

Having pocketed two Olympiads the French decided to outsource the Olympics to Amsterdam in the Netherlands in 1928 which saw the introduction of the five rings Olympic symbol for the first time.

The huge US team garnered most of the medals despite being managed by another megalomaniac in the shape of Douglas McArthur who kept the athletes marooned on board a liner/prison hulk from which they were only allowed ashore to compete.

The re-instated Germans, having presumably promised that they would behave much better in any future wars, performed exceptionally well with eleven gold, nine silver and nineteen bronze medals, coming second in the medals haul.

  Not surprisingly, this led to protests by impoverished and hungry people turning up bearing banners proclaiming ‘Groceries Not Games’.

After ‘some discussion’ the Olympic committee settled on Los Angeles for the 1932 Olympiad which saw the introduction of the first Olympic Village and the first major anti-Olympic protest over the games being held at all. In 1931, with a million unemployed in California and soup kitchens springing up all over the state, a massive press campaign gulled local voters into voting for huge funding for expanding and improving the Olympic facilities.

Not surprisingly, this led to protests by impoverished and hungry people turning up bearing banners proclaiming ‘Groceries Not Games’. One can sympathise with their point of view – I mean, what kind of idiots would spend millions on a pointless sports junket in the midst of a huge recession and massive poverty………..?

Thirty four nations turned up including a rather unpopular entrant in the shape of Japan which was engaged in the conquest of Manchuria at the time and attempted to hijack a a formidable Chinese sprinter resident there to run for their puppet state of Manchukuo.

The sprinter, Liu Changchun refused to run replying that “he would never betray his own nation to serve others like a horse or a cow” which is obviously not the view of the Scottish footballers in Team GB.

Predictably the US won forty-one gold medals but the surprise teams were the Italians who came second in the medals table and the Japanese who dominated the men’s swimming events.

Berlin 1936. When Germany was initially chosen to host the 1936 Olympiad it was a liberal democracy but by 1935, with the games one year off, Germany was a Nazi dictatorship with the racist Nuremberg Laws banning Jews from all aspects of civil life and attacks on their shops homes and persons becoming ever more frequent and ever more violent.

Consequently a great deal of soul-searching went on, particularly in the US, about the morality of sending a multi-racial team to the Berlin Olympics. There were campaigns for a boycott of the games both in the US and Europe while the Germans fudged the implications of their racial laws and hinted that Jewish athletes would be eligible for selection.

  From the Nazis’ point of view Brundage was the ideal choice

However, as they were banned from participating in the qualifying events as they weren’t members of German sporting clubs having been expelled early in Hitler’s reign this wasn’t very likely.

Eventually, the IOC in the US sent Avery Brundage to discuss the situation with Hitler’s ’regime. From the Nazis’ point of view Brundage was the ideal choice as his bigoted and racist views permeated the Olympics (a bit like a polluted stream running through a children’s play park) for nearly forty years.

On arriving in Germany Brundage set out the ground rules early on by proudly announcing that he was a member of several clubs that barred Jews from their membership thus indicating that he wasn’t going to be too hard to deal with.

Despite Hitler’s previous assertion that the Olympics were ‘a plot by Freemasons and Jews’ the Nazi regime was very interested in holding the games and assurances that multi-racial teams would be welcomed and treated equally were forthcoming.

This turned out to be quite genuine and black athletes like Jesse Owens and high jumper David Albritton were accommodated in the Olympic Village whereas they weren’t allowed to live on the campus where they studied at Ohio State University.

The Jewish athletes competing for Germany was more problematical when the world-rated Gretel Bergmann (classified as a full Jew by the Nuremberg laws) was told that her qualifying jumps were not of sufficient quality to allow her into the national team. As she emigrated to the US and won successive trophies there it’s a pretty fair bet that she could have qualified for the rather poor German womens high jump team if she’d jumped while carrying her week’s shopping.

A compromise was reached whereby blonde haired, green-eyed Helene Mayer, rated as only a half-Jew and resident in the US was allowed to compete as an honorary Aryan for the duration of the games where she won a silver medal.

In a little known attempt to “clean up” Berlin (which would surely endear him to the leader writers of a certain present-day local rag) , the German Ministry of the Interior authorized the chief of police to arrest all Romani/Gypsies and keep them in the Berlin-Marzahn concentration camp during the games.

Protests about the games in Britain were more subdued and Harold Abrahams, winner of the 1924 100 metres, undertook a lot of work to persuade fellow Jews in the country not to boycott the Nazi games. Presumably, he spent much of 1945 removing these particular endeavours from his CV.

Anyway, the Berlin Games went ahead with forty-nine nations competing, Germany winning 89 medals, including 33 golds and the whole event was wonderfully filmed by Leni Reifenstahl who was very pleased with her cinematic efforts until she discovered that Hitler was a Nazi in 1983.

Contrary to popular belief about the Berlin Olympics Hitler did not actually snub Jesse Owens. Hitler had greeted all the winning German athletes on the first day with a handshake and some Fuhrerly chit-chat but was told by the Olympic Committee that he either had to personally greet all of the winning athletes or none of them and he chose the latter course.

Consequently we can excuse Adolf from that particular breach of good manners – however, on the down side, there is just that little matter of fifty million war dead.

 

Jul 262012
 

Dave Watt presents the first article of a series of 3 concerning ‘strops and arguments’ in the olympics.

“May joy and good fellowship reign and in this manner, may the Olympic Torch pursue its way through ages, increasing friendly understanding among nations, for the good of a humanity always more enthusiastic, more courageous and more pure.”

– Baron Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympics, Athens 1896

These noble sentiments expressed by de Coubertin in 1896 must have caused a certain amount of eye rolling and throat clearing, even at the first modern Olympiad, as he had just overcome a threatened boycott by the French Gymnastic Union which was incensed by the Germans being allowed to compete.

In addition, the Hungarians, part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, paid their own travel costs and refused to take part as anything but native Hungarians under their own flag.

Irish athletes refused to compete as part of Britain and the Turks refused to take part at all, denouncing the Athens games as a tool of Greek expansionism in Asia minor.

The scene was thus set for over a century of huffs, strops, snubs, accusations and counter-accusations of sharp practice, boycotts, threats of boycotts and the international equivalent of the stamping of little feet and tossing of curls.

De Coubertin, having begun in the home of the original Olympiad, was anxious to take the second modern Olympiad to France.  Unfortunately, to do this, he was obliged to run the 1900 games as part of the French world fair – the Exposition Universalle International (EUI) – whose chairman, Alfred Picart, stated tactfully that all sports were for morons.  Consequently, the events were fitted in as and when the disaffected EUI officials felt like it, ran from mid May to late October and included bizarre sports such as fire-fighting, ballooning and pigeon shooting.  (No, not clay pigeon shooting, real pigeon shooting).

The competitors had also to deal with their events being shunted off into wherever the EUI could find space and the swimmers, banished to the fast flowing River Seine, found their exceptionally fast times being offset by an interesting variety of unpleasant skin diseases from the heavily polluted river.

The 1900 Olympic Games also featured the first accusations of cheating when, during the marathon, Arthur Newton of the United States  finished fifth but stated he had not been passed by any other runner during the race.  Another American, Richard Grant, claimed he was run down by a cyclist as he made ground on the leaders.

Eventually, Frenchman Michel Théato crossed the finish line first and France took first and second place.  The US was later to allege that Théato was actually from Luxembourg and held a passport for that country, so the stage was set for a certain amount of transatlantic friction over the event.

Despite the France/US acrimony it was, predictably, the German participation which set Gallic teeth on edge.  The French president, Felix Faure, tried to keep the Germans out of the games and it was only persistent lobbying by de Coubertin and friends which ensured their participation.

However, having grudgingly accepted the presence of the evil ‘Boche’ at their games, the French went out of their way to make the German team feel as unwelcome as their means would allow.

The organisers refused to meet the German team at the station so that they were obliged to roam the city looking for their accommodation.  They were not allowed to train on any French equipment and were not informed of the timings of sporting events, resulting in the sprinters arriving at the stadium as the gun went off for the 100 metre race.

One morning the Germans awoke to find that their hotel had been adorned with the words “Cochons – a bas la Prusse!” (Pigs – down with Prussia!) and, upon returning to the hotel in the evening, the team captain, Fritz Hoffmann found an enormous pile of excrement in his bed.  His indignation at this was increased by, as he asserted,

This being the work of several persons.”

Obviously, you didn’t get to be captain of a German athletics team in those days if you displayed any kind of milksop unwillingness to delve around a pile of turds on your counterpane in order to find how many culprits had been involved.  I’d like to see Philipp Lahm try that one.

Things went slightly better for the Teutons in 1904 when the Olympics were held in St Louis in the US.  Not only did eight of their ten entrants win medals, but their bedding was completely free of any solid wastes.  The enormous US team – 432 of the 554 athletes were from America-predictably won most of the medals with twenty two golds, with two African Americans taking part for the first time.

However, an unfortunate sideshow to the Olympics were the Anthropology Games involving Africans, Asians, Filipinos and Native Americans, none of whom were eligible to appear in the Olympics proper as officials stated that, ”this type of man is hardly capable of Olympic calibre endeavour and, in any case, would hardly have understood the principles of amateurism.”

On the plus side for the Anthropology Games competitors, a local St Louis newspaper extolled their games saying :

“The meeting was a grand success from every point of view and served as a good example of what little brown men are capable of doing with training”.

Obviously, if heavy duty patronising was an Olympic event the US would have been well on the way to their twenty third gold medal.

The US contingent ….  refused to dip their flag to the Royal Box

The relatively peaceful 1904 Olympics were followed by a dramatic change of venue from Rome to London in 1908 owing to a natural disaster on Vesuvius.  There can’t have been many sporting events in history which have been cancelled owing to a volcanic eruption.

The opening parade at the White City was the usual brotherly fest when the Finns, whose land had been annexed by Russia in 1809, marched separately from the Russian imperial contingent and pointedly without a flag.   The US contingent, full of Irish first and second generation athletes, refused to dip their flag to the Royal Box, one of their athletes having previously stated,

This flag dips to no earthly king”.

Catcalls and boos from the pro-royal English crowd ensued and local newspapers later reprinted US pre-contest headlines containing such charmingly modest predictions as,

“American Athletes sure of success” and, “We will knock spots off Britishers.”  

The scene was set for a transatlantic head to head tussle and a series of protests and accusations flew from both sides.  The British accused the Americans of cheating in one of the heats for the 400 metres, the US runner was disqualified and his two team mates who had previously qualified withdrew from the final.

The British tug of war team, consisting of hefty Liverpool policemen, humiliatingly pulled the US team ‘over in a rush’ whereupon the Americans complained about their opponents heavy iron-reinforced boots which they referred to as ‘illegal equipment’.

In the marathon, the heroic Italian runner Dorando Pietri, leading the race by some distance, was so tired and disoriented by heat exhaustion that he ran the wrong way, fell down, got up, fell down again, was briefly treated by doctors and staggered to his feet stumbling towards the line, where he collapsed yet again.

They sportingly blamed this on the English weather

An Olympic official helped him up and half-dragged, half-carried him over the line where he collapsed once more.  He was taken off to hospital and, while he lay in critical condition, the US lodged a protest which was upheld despite a national outcry around Britain.

The German team, one of the initial favourites for the medals, performed less well than they and a disappointed Kaiser Wilhelm expected, coming in sixth in the medals table. They sportingly blamed this on the English weather; London’s heavily polluted air and the ‘hopelessly biased’ British judges.

This was echoed by the US after the Olympic medal tally ended with fifty seven golds for Britain compared to twenty two for the US. John Sullivan, the head of the Amateur Athletic Union in the US referred to the British judges as ‘cruel, irresponsible and utterly unfair’.

President Theodore Roosevelt referred to ‘so-called British sportsmanship’ and initiated a ticker tape parade in New York for the returning Olympians at which a papier-mâché British lion was dragged behind, jeered at and pelted by the crowd.

All things considered, I think we’d have to give the first four Olympics a bit of a failing grade on de Coubertin’s hoped for,

“… increasing friendly understanding among nations.”

Jul 122012
 

By Bob Smith.

Are ye an optimist or pessimist?
Foo dis yer brain aye think?
Hiv ye a maist positive naitur?
Or is negativity yer faavrit drink? 

Is yer warld noo a waefu place?
Is Armageddon jist ower the hill?
Or is there sunshine in yer life?
An iverry day it fits the bill? 

Div ye worry aboot the future?
Or tak ilka day as it cums?
Are dark cloods aye githerin?
His yer face a dose o “the glums”? 

Is yer gless aye haaf teem?
Or is yer gless haaf fu?
Hiv ye a happy ootlook?
Or are ye doon in the moo? 

Tak a wee bittie time fowks
Jist  ti see fit wye ye lean
Is laachter aye yer brither?
Or is gloomy foo yer seen? 

Turn yer face ti the sun
An shadows ahint ye faa
So says a Maori proverb
A thocht maist affa braw 

So brichten up yer daily life
Think naething is a chore
Pit pessimism in the bin
Lit positivity oot ye roar

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: © Steve Alvarez | Dreamstime.com