Dec 202012
 

By Bob Smith.

It’s bin alleged a cooncillor wifie
At a meeting hid a wee doze
Fin voting on a nicht club licence
The cooncil war in the throes

Did the craitur hae forty winks?
Did she hear the pros an cons?
Fit wye wis she alood tae vote, 
Fin they hid a show o hauns?

She claims she’d teen medication
Iss made her a wee bit fuzzy
A’m sure there’s ither cooncillors
Faa’s brains are afen muzzy

They tak decisions aboot oor toon
Iss maks ye fair hae a think
Foo mony micht feel drowsy
Cos they’ve hid a denner time drink?

Nithing wrang wi haen an aperitif
As lang’s ye dinna bicum a bam
Jist mak sure fin ye hae a tipple
Glenfiddich is yer faavrit dram

“Glenfiddich!!” A hear The Donald roar
“A plague on aa sic drinkers
Fusky fae Wm Grant’s distilleries
Is only fit fer bliddy minkers”

A’m nae suggestin the puir wumman
Wis jist a bittie warse fer weer
The story aboot her maybe dozin
Hisna made things affa clear

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

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Dec 142012
 

By Bob Smith.

Amazon, Google an Starbucks
Hiv avoided pyein some tax
Throwe a loophole in the law
Fit’s bin mair than a bittie lax

Multinationals they div employ
Accoontants tae fin sic wyes
Thae chiels are up tae scratch
An in tax laws are richt wise

You an me we pye oor dues
We micht hae a girn an sweir
An fit the tax mannie tells us
Is nae aye sae bliddy clear

It seems its nae agin the law
Fer firms tae use sic ploys
Bit morally it’s jist nae richt
If the law faavour’s “ big boys”

Time fowk pit a stop tae iss
Mak the slippery buggers think
Jist boycott the likes o Starbucks
Fin ye buy yer next coffee drink

Pye yer dues shud be the cry
Yer bunk balance micht tak a hit
Fit wye shud the rest o us suffer
Cos ye employ a tax swerving git

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Dec 122012
 

8644307_sBy Bob Smith.

Weel ma freens, ivvery month or so yer gyaan tae hae pit up wi me pittin forrit ma opeenion aboot things gweed or nae sae gweed in oor society an in oor toon o Aiberdeen.

As weel as ma poetry a’ll be haen a go at writin a bittie o prose, hopefully tae mak ye laach or maybe mak ye greet.

Iss wikk a’m takkin tae task aa thae fowk fa hurl vile chunts an insults at fitba matches, be it at the ither team, their supporters, the refs, an fit really gets up ma nib, hurlin abuse at their ain team’s players an managers.

At times a’m mair than sure that aa the local eejits hae a meetin at the same time an place, ivvery second Setterday. Fit wye his it tae be held at Pittodrie a ask masel?

Noo am sure wiv aa hid a go, at sometime or anither, dootin the ref’s parentage. Iss is nae fit am oan aboot. It’s the vile scunnerin chunts aboot fowks perceived sexual preferences, their nationality, an ony misfortune fit his happened tae players etc in their private lives.

Fit kine o bodie sinks sae low as tae utter sic things?

Noo a’ve stairted tae tak notice o the age group o thae fowk in seats nae far awa fae faar a’m sittin fa indulge in sic chants. Nearly 99% are aged aroon 40 or unner. So maybe it’s a generation thingie or  mair likely a problem fit affects society as a hail.

A can gie an instance o the wye things are gyaan. A fyow wikks ago a chiel in the Richard Donald Stand wis pissed oot o his myn (fit begs the question fit wye wis he alood in in the first place?).

He wis gyaan ower the score wi his ranting an fin the stewards tried tae sort things oot they war met wi a torrent o abuse fae some fowk roon aboot faar he wis staanin an fin the stewards ca’ed in the bobbies the abuse got worse.

Paddy Buckley, yon great centre forward in the 1950’s,  missed the goal completely  fae aboot twa yairds oot

The mannie wis clearly oot o order an the bobbies war richt tae escort him oot o the stand. Some fowk roon aboot me jist shook their heids in despair at the abuse the stewards an the bobbies hid tae pit up wi.

Noo a’m auld aneuch ti myn o gyaan tae fitba matches awa back an unless ma myn deceives me, a canna myn o abuse like iss bein hurled at anither human bein.

There wis a lot o gweed naitered banter wint on an fowk enjoyed their efterneen oot at the fitba. Fans warna segregated up tull the 1960’s an I’ve stood on the terraces alangside fans o the opposing teams, hid gweed crack wi them an nivver felt threatened.

Ye wid hear the odd difference o opeenion noo an agane bit verra rarely did it ging ayont aat.

Fans an players interacted wi een anither back then.

I can myn fin Paddy Buckley, yon great centre forward in the 1950’s,  missed the goal completely  fae aboot twa yairds oot. Paddy turned tae the crowd at the Merkland Road eyn wi a huge grin on his face an shruggit his shooders.

There wis a ripple o laachter wint aroon the grun cos they kent Paddy widna miss the next time.

Can ye imagine the fans response if Scott Vernon did the same thing nooadays? There wid be a pitch invasion. The entertainment an fun his gin oot o fitba an we as fans maan tak some o the responsibility fer iss.

Mak a lot o noise bi aa means bit channel yer fervour intae supportin yer team withoot aa the vile chunts.

Dec 062012
 

By Bob Smith.

Michael Forbes his bin voted
Glenfiddich’s “Tap Scot” o the year
Iss’ll hae Trumpie fair bilin
Gyaan reid in the face a fear
.
Michael wis geen iss award
Fer his steely determination
The puir chiel wis left speechless
Fin he received a standin ovation
.
Imaagine fit Trump’ll be thinking
As oor Michael he won iss award
Donald says he bides in a slum
An thinks him an affa cyaard
.
Noo Michael refused tae buckle
He unfurled the democracy flag
Stuck twa fingers up tae The Donald
As Trumpie cairry’t on wi his brag
.
Donald am sure wull pint oot
He’s bin created a GlobalScot
By some fowk in big business
Fa spoutit some mair tommyrot
Fit his Trump ivver deen fer Scotia
His he biggit his course bi default ?
Is money teen in fae the gowfers
In an American bank’s secure vault?
.
The award leaves Trump in a pickle
He canna say the hail thing’s a farce
Glenfiddich Distillery’s weel respected
An micht hae a kick at Trump’s arse
.
Raise a gless tae Michael Forbes
Fa stood an held the stage
Agin an American billionaire
Fa’s noo duncin aroon wi rage
.
Let’s jist hae anither award
Like Top Director o the year
Iss maan ging tae Anthony Baxter
Fa didna show Trump ony fear..
.
.

.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Dec 032012
 

By Bob Smith.

A  kid’s comic ca’ed  The Dandy
Wis born  in nineteen thirty siven
A weel myn  first readin it
An thocht awis in hivven

Fer ‘ears front page nivver chynged
‘Twis aye yon Korky the Cat
Fa acted like a human bein
An laached as weel as grat

Desperate Dan wisma favourite
A big cowboy fae Cactusville
Lookit efter bi his Aunt Uggie
He scoffed cow pies wi great will

The adventures o Black Bob
Wis a story in prose back then
Iss collie helpit oot his maister
A shepherd ca’ed Andrew Glenn

Div ye myn o Keyhole Kate
A richt nosey quine fer sure
Peerin throwe fowk’s keyholes
Her lugwis geen a clour

Anither een fit cums tae myn
Is Freddy the Fearless Flee
Fa wisna feart o onything
Tho’ times he wid nearly dee

Hungry Horace , a greedy loon
Wis ayewis lookin fer a feed
Be it cake or funcy pieces
Ony kine o grub wis gweed

Some o the comic characters
Wis drawn by a cartoonist chiel
Bi the name o Dudley Watkins
Oor Wullie an The Broons as weel

Bit am feart iss institution
Is weel past its sell by date
The kid’s nae langer  myn o
Korky the Cat or Keyhole Kate

The Dandy’s noo gaen digital
Bit nithing is as braw
As curlin up wi a comic
Fin ootside is win an snaw

So here’s tae a braw comic
Fit laisted ower siventy ears
Tae The Dandy an its characters
We shud raise three bliddy cheers
.

 

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Nov 302012
 

By Bob Smith.


A committee made up o MSPs
Hiv said winfairms hinna indeed
Geen an connacht the tourism
Aawye north o the River Tweed
.
Thon “World Expert in Tourism”
A mannie bi the name o Trump
Is said tae be spittin mad
Nae doot he’ll tak the hump
.
His he noo lost the battle?
Ower the turbines tae be built
Lit’s hope he ups an waaks awa
Wi a claymore stuck “up his kilt”
.
Nae been a gweed time fer Donald
Things  hinna lately geen his wye
Barack Obama still is the President
So at near aabody Trump lit fly
.
He tweeted fowk he thocht wid listen
“Mairch on Washington”wis his yammer
Some fowk thocht iss wis fair revoltin
Wintin Donald thrown in the “slammer”

An American chiel named Carusone
His petitioned yon American store
Tae dump aa Trump’s brand goods
Askin Macy’s  tae show him the door
.
Ower half a million hiv already signed
Some are boycottin Macy’s stores
Wull the COE hae tae buckle
If fowk picket ootside the doors
.
The Donald nae lang syne
Thocht Chinese goods war crap
Orders tae mak his “signature “brand
Hiv noo landit in China’s lap
.
Nae doot he’ll mak a muckle profit
If lower wages are pyed in China
An sells his “Trump” suits an ties
Fae New York tae Sooth Carolina
.
Faar dis iss leave The Donald
Fin here an America fur dis fly
Wull the chiel jist pack his bags
An tae Trump we can say bye bye 

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

 

Nov 232012
 

By Bob Smith.

O fit a stramash wis on twitter
Cooncillors made theirsels look feel
Tryin tae be affa clivver
Wi tweets fae chiel tae chiel

Awa an growe up is ma cry
Yer supposed tae be worthy o votes
An nae behaving like numpties
As tho ye war ill-trickit goats

Bit then again they’re cooncillors
Fit mair div we really expect
Aye sneerin an snarlin at each ither
An nae showin ony bliddy respect

Ye buggers – fowk did elect ye
Tae dee fit’s best fer us aa
Nae struttin aroon like bubblyjocks
Or cocks fa like tae craw

Aa  yer postins on twitter
Wis aneuch tae mak fowk greet
A wis remindit aboot a freen
Fa thinks only twits div “tweet”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

 

 

 

 

Nov 122012
 

By Bob Smith.

Lit’s nae foget the sacrifice
O oor brave loons an quines
Fa perished in war’s carnage
An a puckle lost their myns
.
Lit’s nae forget the sacrifice
At the Somme or Passchendaele
Lit’s nae forget the bravery
O the chiels fae toon or vale
.
Lit’s nae forget the sacrifice
O the billies fae learn’t tae flee
In Spitfires an in bombers
A hullock o them wid dee
.
Lit’s nae forget the sacrifice
O D-Day an El Alamein
Or at Cassino ower in Italy
Oot o bodies life wid drain
.
Lit’s nae forget the sacrifice
In Burma or Singapore
An biggin railways in the jungle
Fit’s gin doon in war folklore
.
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
By some sailors on the ocean waves
Fin convoys they ran the gauntlet
An U-boats sint them tae their graves
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
In Kenya, Malaya an Korea
Or in the island o Cyprus
Aroon the toon o Nicosia
.
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
In Aden Arabs made their pitch
Far squaddies tried tae keep the peace
Some led by yon “Mad Mitch”
.
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
On Falkland’s lan an sea
An ower in Northern Ireland
Fowk fae conflict warna free
.
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
In Iraq an in Afghanistan
Far loons and quines hiv perished
In attacks fae the Taliban
.
Lits nae forget the sacrifice
O firefighters an ambulance crews
An the nurses in the front line
Durin wars like World War 2
.
So remember aa these gallant fowk
Fa deet so we’d bide free
Fa pyed the ultimate sacrifice
As their lives they did gie

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Oct 312012
 

By Bob Smith.


Ye traitors tae human dignity
Ye traitors tae the facts
Ye traitors tae yer readers
Ye traitors fa stab fowks’ backs
.
Ye kowtowed tae The Donald
He ca’s ye his press freens
Fer supportin the Menie project
Iss wis heard on TV screens
.
We’ve hid aneuch o yer crap
Fawnin ower  yer  business pallies
Ye treat maist o yer loyal readers
As tho’ they’re bliddy wallies
.
Some say the EE wis responsible
Fer the sackin o Martin Ford
Wi heidlines like “You Traitors”
Showin a great lack o Bon Accord 
The P&J’s ca’ed the “Trump Gazette”
Bi mony in baith toon an shire
Forelock touchin tae the mannie Trump
Is  lookit on as dire
.
So aa iss biles doon tae noo
As the truth ye try tae hide
Baith papers losin revenue
As sales micht stairt tae slide
.
Noo masel a jist stan back
An fit a think is clear
Local papers are feart ye see
Trump’s advertisin wull disappear
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Oct 262012
 

By Bob Smith.

A wis jist remindit the ither day
So iss knowledge a’ll impart
The wird  TRUMP in slang spik
Is classed as bein a FART 

So ma freens dis iss mean
Donald Trump Snr fer a start
Can noo be thocht o literally
As bein some auld Fart

Weel richt aneuch some wid say
O win the mannie’s fair full
Fin threatenin fowk wi his lawyers
An roarin like a stucken bull

Donald wi yer new slang name
Nae doot some wull tak the mick
Maybe kent as “Gustus Interruptus”
As weel as fer the shite ye spik

Donald Fart – iss his a gweed ring
Donald Ripsnorter micht bring titters
Bit nivver myn ma puir mannie
It’s better than Donald Skitters

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012