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Old Susannah No. 121 – Creative Writing

Opinion, Satire and Humour 4 Responses »

May 242013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Another busy week flies past in our future Capital of Culture: this weekend sees some great artistic talent on show. The Aberdeen Artists’ Society exhibition is a great, enjoyable, eclectic collection of contemporary art, currently running at the Art Gallery.

There were some interesting interactive works (bring your smart phone), a few very striking works (one by Mr Florence particularly caught my eye), and some intricate glass etching.

Keith Byres was one of the exhibitors, and I will be stopping by at Under The Hammer on Saturday to see some of his other new work.

The River Don Project is a collection of photographic images reflecting the River Don area. The opening for this show is on Saturday 1^st June from 5pm to 7 pm in St Machar’s Cathedral, and all are welcome.

Local photographers spent time with Alicia Bruce documenting the river. In particular there are some amazing wildlife images which caught my eye, of birds, seals and beautiful plants along the river. We have a great many artist-led cultural initiatives; please do show your support by visiting some if not all their shows.

The creative arts are assuredly flourishing, but perhaps it is in creative writing that our area truly excels. Never mind the likes of authors John Aberdein, Fiona-Jane Brown, Graeme Milne and Stuart MacBride; it’s the civil servants, planning officials, newspaper execs and ATOS which have provided some amazing prose this week.

People have sent me replies that they’ve had from ATOS and the Press & Journal. I think you’ll enjoy these. I’ve read the recent report by Anne Ramsay of Aberdeenshire Planning Office, recommending a green light for Trump, despite deviation from the approved plan. He got his way, which is of course a huge surprise.

He couldn’t have done it without Ms Ramsay’s report-writing skills. With a few strokes of the pen, a giant, unapproved bund of earth plonked in front of Susan Munro’s cottage, which brought many problems has been transformed into a landscape feature. The pen is mightier than the sword, or indeed than the truth in this case.

In fact, the pieces of writing I’m referring to are amazingly convincing, so much so that I want to share them.

You too will realise that the Trump course is the greatest spot on the planet, that the P&J is the champion of truth and accuracy, that ATOS really cares deeply about everyone it deals with, and that there are no drawbacks whatsoever to building an industrial marina in Nigg Bay.

It is time for some truth-related definitions and more importantly, some of the greatest examples of creative writing you’re likely to come across outside of a Jeffrey Archer novel. Diogenes was a figure in Greek mythology who searched high and low for an honest man. He clearly should have stopped into our Shire council offices and newspaper’s newsrooms.

Universalism: (noun) A school of thought in which truths are unchanging black-and-white facts acknowledged and recognised.

A Universalist believes that some truths are fixed and unchanging. ‘A Site of Special Scientific Interest’ means a legally-binding designation which protects areas from damage or development. This would once have been an example of Universalism. In this school of thought, facts are respected and held to be true unless proved otherwise.

This school of thought has no business in the city or shire today. We are happy to compromise on inconvenient facts and truths concerning planning law, environmental protection, anything really, just to prove that we are ‘open for business’. What we need for the ‘smart successful Scotland’ we’ve been promised is a little less Universalism and a whole lot more Particularism.

Particularism: (noun) A school of thought in which ‘truth’ is subject to change, depending on circumstances, depending on relationships between people and groups, and other factors.

‘A Site of Special Scientific Interest’ means a flexible designation which may or may not matter depending on who wants the designation removed. This is an example of Particularism. And we certainly do have our own Particular brand of truth in the Deen.

Let me share some examples of this convenient form of truth to illustrate the point.

Letter from ATOS

You may remember a recent Aberdeen Voice article on the experiences of David Brazendale with ATOS. He was ordered out of his post-op bed to go and get a work assessment.

Arriving at the Aberdeen ATOS centre, he was told he’d have a two hour minimum wait. Any other person who’d just been under the knife would have been happy to sit on a hard chair in an empty waiting room for two hours or more.

I guess David was just being difficult, but for some reason, he wasn’t happy. To be fair to ATOS, there was a crowd of one other person in the waiting room. David really shouldn’t have bothered the terribly busy receptionist, but he asked if he could come back in two hours rather than hanging around. Obviously, this was not possible.

For some reason or other, David wasn’t satisfied with this state of affairs.

The written ATOS policy statement says people will be telephoned if there are cancellations or delays. Of course, people have no excuse, surgery included, for missing an ATOS appointment, and rescheduling is not an option given to the ‘clients’, as ATOS chooses to call people.

Mr Brazendale wrote a letter of complaint, and got a wonderful, warm, helpful reply:-

“I have obtained comments from the Service Delivery Manager responsible for Atos Healthcare in Edinburgh… I was very sorry to read of the upset and inconvenience caused by the waiting times….On this occasion the reason for Atos Healthcare not being able to conduct an assessment was because more customers attended appointments than anticipated and the assessments took longer than anticipated to complete, which caused a delay and in some cases, customers had to be sent home unseen …the receptionist did not call you beforehand to advise you of this, as she had no indication of how many customers would arrive for their appointment or how long each assessment would take. I do sincerely apologise for the upset and inconvenience you have experienced…”

Some people might think the above is just a bunch of meaningless drivel with little application to the actual truth of the matter. But we know better, poor ATOS.

Not only do they seem to have no manager in Aberdeen, they have absolutely no way of telling who will come to an appointment or how long an appointment will last. Amazing. I pity the poor receptionist who has no idea who’s coming or how long they might be. Perhaps they are using crystal balls and tarot cards?

The way my medical practice operates is this. They have this thing called a ‘schedule’. They know how many doctors will be in each day, and they make these things called ‘appointments’ for patients.

They limit the number of ‘appointments’ and ‘patients’ so that there aren’t any long waits. If for instance a morning appointment was running very, very late, they would actually use a ‘telephone’ and call the next ‘appointment’ to let them know about the lateness. It is complicated, but I think ATOS should be told.

The worst part is that because of David’s selfish complaint, the poor, overworked ATOS manager had to look into the situation all the way from Edinburgh and issue a sincere apology. The ATOS manager is now probably very very upset and worried about causing someone an inconvenience, as they’ve never done this before.

David should be ashamed, and the manager should take some time off work to recuperate from stress, much like ATOS lets others recover from stress and illness.

Fabrication: (noun) An invention or creation; an untruth.

While I was trying to think of examples of fabrication, I coincidentally came across the web page for Trip Advisor.

I had been looking for reviews of the Trump course and clubhouse following a harsh Press & Journal review of the clubhouse restaurant. They’d only given it 27 out of 30 points, which just goes to show how fair and impartial the P&J is. While trying to find other reviews for this excellent restaurant, I wound up on Trip Advisor. Well, I was not sure whether I was on Trip Advisor or Confused.com…

Having read the superlative review by a Press & Journal writer of the Press & Journal Editor’s wife’s company restaurant, I expected that others would also adore the course and the food. From the polarised reviews of the course and the food, I felt sure there must be two Trump International premises in Scotland. To some reviewers one seems to be the best golf course ever invented.

To others, the Trump complex is an expensive waste of time and money. I suspect there is some fabrication going on.

Apparently there are people who actually place fake reviews on Trip Advisor! These people fabricate reviews to endorse or condemn hotels and resorts.

Clearly, it is a wonderful course with great food, all affordably priced and perfect.

Worse, these people often hide behind pseudonyms and/or don’t disclose whether they have a connection to the place they’re reviewing. I can hardly believe someone would conceal an interest in a place while writing about it, it’s enough to make a bride blush.

How can you tell which are genuine reviews and which are fake? Perhaps a clue can be found in how long the reviewer has been with Trip Advisor and how many other reviews they have submitted, I thought. You might for instance be suspicious of reviewers who have only reviewed one or two venues and who are brand new to Trip Advisor.

However, my theory didn’t stand up to the test, for many if not most of the pro-Trump reviews are from those who have only been to one other place and/or are brand new to Trip Advisor. Clearly, it is a wonderful course with great food, all affordably priced and perfect.

I suspect the people who said they didn’t like it are guilty of fabricating negative publicity, and the people who say it is great must be the honest ones with no possible self-interest. Here are some of the comments:-

Trip Advisor pro-Trump comments: Obviously Genuine:

Tony M (1 review) “If you have one course to play in your lifetime, make it this one… facilities and staff are superb… (Trump) has done a fantastic job… only problem I can see in the future is if they stick this wind farm up….”

GolferKnowledge (1 review) “…the course is to-date in very good condition… extremely playable… not a course to miss if your [sic] serious about your golf.”

PHFJones (1 review) “(Trump) has created a wonderful addition to the top 20 courses in the world… if you like links golf, this is one that must be on your list…”

James B (2 reviews) ”… if it is not listed as not just the best course in Scotland but the best course in the world in the next 5 years… then it is an absolute crime”.

It’s almost as if these people were reading from the same hymn sheet. Since they all agree, they have to be right. Now to the less favourable comments from people who think the greens are greener elsewhere.

Trip Advisor anti-Trump comments: Obviously Fabrications:

Jack G (2 reviews) “overpriced … must be to buy more grass seed as there is missing grass on the fairways, many more traditional links nearby for half the fee.”

StuckinAberdeen (5 reviews) “Half of the fairways looked like Roger Moore’s hairweave, acres of sandy soil crisscrossed by interlocking thin green lines of freshly planted grass that had failed to grow this season…. We were given no warning how poor the fairways were…The course should not be opened until it is in a playable condition.”

GeraintE (3 reviews) “the condition of this course is worse than any other I have played in Scotland. Staff are blaming the weather, but the fact is they have the wrong type of grass on the fairways!”

Poor Mr Trump! Poor Malone Bates! How anyone can complain about the marvellous course is unclear. I hope Trump will start issuing some more lawsuits to see off the fake reviewers, and that Trip Advisor will likewise have a look at the reviews on its website to see if there are any patterns indicating that fabrication is going on.

Disingenuous: (adjective) To knowingly feign ignorance or innocence; to distort the truth deliberately.

As you know, the happy union of Sarah Malone (VP Trump International, Face of Aberdeen) and Damian Bates (Press & Journal) is a fact – or Universal Truth, to use a previous definition. There is a marriage license.

Seeking more information on our favourite power couple, someone wrote to ask why the P&J didn’t make more of this happy event, which mysteriously got no press cover in Bates’ paper. I wonder why that could be. The letter writer asked why Malone, so often quoted in the P&J, Evening Express and more on behalf of Trump, and Bates getting married wasn’t front page news.

I am grateful to have been copied in on the wonderful response the P&J sent. Here is what the P&J have to say on the matter:-

“Beware of using Private Eye as the sole basis for your assumptions about the Press and Journal! I would say their tone on this particular subject has been skewed in a certain mischievous direction. As a result, you have duff info, I fear: the Trump employee to whom you refer is not his “chief spin doctor” and neither has Press and Journal coverage been biased. Sorry to spoil the story!

“The integrity and fairness of the Press and Journal has always been one of our core strengths and remains so today. We actually check the accuracy of stories before publication, would you believe! If you were a regular reader, you would know this already. Perhaps I could interest you in taking a subscription!”

It may be tricky, but I suspect some Voice readers may spot one or two disingenuous sentiments in the above. And mischief making is going on as well! Never mind that the newlyweds have such mutually entwined interests, which no doubt adds to their marital bliss, the information is ‘duff’.

Sarah Malone, VP at Trump, might be the person in Scotland who makes the statements to the press, but clearly Private Eye’s description of her as ‘chief spin doctor’ is wildly inaccurate, and throws the whole story into disrepute. Alas! The story is spoiled, according to the email’s sender, David ‘whata’ Knight.

As to the Knight’s tale: the integrity and fairness of the P&J, and the accuracy of its stories, checked before publication, well, words fail me. I am certain Private Eye will now print a complete retraction and apology as soon as they are aware of Knight’s email.

Obviously our trusted officials, newspaper supremos, planning officers and ATOS managers wouldn’t put pen to paper to say something which wasn’t true. The point is that truth is no longer straightforward. I’m certainly not going to call any of the writers I’m talking about blatantly dishonest, self-serving, disingenuous liars, although I can see why some people might.

Next week: Hopefully a reply from MEMAG: they were asked questions about environmental protection at Menie as this is their remit. I’ve been waiting since January, no doubt a detailed response to allay environmental concerns can’t be far off now.

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Beacon Community Centre: What’s In A Name?

Community, Information No Responses »

May 172013

With thanks to Anne Florence.

The many changes that have taken place in the Beacon Community Centre over the past couple of years have left many in the Bucksburn community wondering if we still have a building to call our own.

The inclusion of our community centre in the 3Rs project left us with a refurbished building, but with a smaller programme of activities as many did not continue after the building re-opened and much of the time and space was given to Sport Aberdeen.

The management committee (the only four remaining) have been faced with meetings (across the present and last Administration) while the Council try to work out how volunteers can take the place of the community learning staff that they have effectively disbanded.

The Council also expect these groups to maintain their “lifelong learning” programme in centres across the city. The remaining committee would like to see the centre used for all the activities it served before – sports for all ages and abilities and crafts and learning for adults and children – but we do not have the time between us to put in the work that that would entail.

We have had a very constructive talk with Sport Aberdeen and were pleased to learn that they share our view that the centre should once again provide a wide range of activities. They are prepared to help that happen and, for our part, we have agreed to do all we can to find out what the community would like to see happening in their centre and help bring it about.

You can do that by e-mailing beaconcommcentre@gmail.com or by leaving a letter for the management committee at reception in the centre. Tell us what activities and groups you would like to see, or better still become a part of the local forum that will continue to have a role in the centre.

It is now called the Beacon Centre – it’s up to you to put the community back into it.

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New York Cowboy Builder

Aberdeenshire, Featured, Information 3 Responses »

May 172013

By Sue Edwards.

On 21 May 2013 the Formartine Area Committee of Aberdeenshire Council will meet at the Kirk Centre in Ellon to discuss various planning matters.

One of these will be to decide whether to give planning consent to a retrospective application put in by Trump International Golf Links Scotland (APP/2012/2342 on the Council’s website).

The application is for “Full Planning Permission for Engineering Operations to Construct Car Park to Serve Golf Course and Proposed Clubhouse (Amended Design) (Retrospective)”.

A retrospective planning application is explained in the two paragraphs below taken from the Scottish Government’s Guide to the Planning System in Scotland.

“If you build something without planning permission, or if you don’t follow the conditions attached to a planning permission, the council can use their enforcement powers. Enforcement is important because it makes sure that everyone stays within planning law and the conditions of their planning permission.

The council will choose what action to take. If something is built without permission, but would have been likely to have been granted permission, the council may ask the person responsible to make a ‘retrospective’ planning application. This will then be decided in the same way as all other planning applications. If the council grants planning permission, there may be conditions attached.”

The reason for this retrospective planning application is that the finished works bear no relation whatsoever to the original planning application (APP/2011/3560) for which consent was granted on 13 December 2011, including the car park layout, lighting and the materials used in the construction.

You may think, fair enough, easy to make a mistake, but this is in fact the SIXTH retrospective planning application TIGLS have had to put in to Aberdeenshire Council.
Each time, the councillors on the Formartine Area Committee have waved the application through, although on this occasion they did agree on a site visit to view the car park layout, a section of the bunds built around a neighbouring property and the lighting, but had to make a further visit (no doubt at council-taxpayer’s expense) as the lighting had been switched off for the first visit.

Would any other builders or developers be allowed to run rings around our planning laws? Why have Aberdeenshire Council not put a stop to his cavalier attitude to our planning system? HOW HAS THIS BEEN ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?

Trump has recently announced his design for the hotel he is planning to build on the Menie Estate. It has been likened to a Victorian asylum, a holiday camp, a row of beach huts, and more. But perhaps we need not worry … perhaps it will look nothing like that. We will just have to wait and see what he chooses to build, regardless of any planning consent he gets.

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Massive Mayday March: Music, Munchies And Messages

Aberdeen City, Featured, Information 5 Responses »

May 092013

Barney Crockett Addresses Rally 2013 By J. Aberdein

By Suzanne Kelly.

This year’s Mayday March in Aberdeen impressed everyone with a sizeable turnout.

Some 500 people marched down Union Street to the Castlegate, where speeches were delivered by Trade Union representatives, politicians, and local activists.

Unison, Aberdeen Trade Unions Council, UCATT, CWU, PCS, EIS, Aberdeen Against Austerity and campaign group ‘Save Bramble Brae School’ were among those represented.

Len Ironside, Barney Crockett, Willie Young, Dame Anne Begg and Lewis MacDonald were among the marchers, as was local writer John Aberdein.

It was hardly surprising the turnout was so high. Severe budget cuts, austerity measures, economic uncertainty, bizarre taxes (i.e. bedroom tax) and arcane health checks on benefit claimants imposed by the ruling Conservative-Liberal Democrat government (which is also creating tax loopholes for the wealthy): there was no shortage of reasons to march.

The speeches were arguably the most important part of the day.

Barney Crockett, Aberdeen City Council Leader welcomed everyone.

Dame Anne Begg spoke of many labour issues – there are those who want jobs and cannot find them; young people are being given low (if any) wages, people are forced to take jobs they are unsuited to in order to retain benefits, and people with special needs and different abilities have problems finding employers who are willing to make it easier for them to work.

Anne Begg Addresses May Day Rally By J. Aberdein

As to ATOS and other companies giving such assessments, Anne commented that government health agents should be there to help us, not to make us feel ill.

Ian Tasker of STUC reminded all that the Conservatives had wanted to do away with the tradition of Mayday being a holiday and a celebration of workers completely; Cameron had feebly suggested moving this ancient, worldwide tradition to November – hardly a conducive time to get people together for marches and outdoor rallies.

Speakers highlighted virtually all of the issues facing workers at this time when wages are not increasing nearly enough to meet inflation and increasing (and increasingly bizarre and punitive) taxes.

Aberdeen Against Austerity members wrote a speech, delivered by member Jill. Jill went for a positive approach to the current situation; saying:-

“Everyone here cares enough to march down Union Street on a Saturday morning. What we need to do is harness this energy and focus it on dealing with the problem we face today.

“The problem is not corporate tax avoidance.

“The problem is not even the Con-Dem government.

“The problem is much bigger than that!

“The problem is that we live in a world where profit comes before people.

“A world where the price of a T-shirt is £5, but the cost is the lives of 500 Bangladeshi workers. The problem is that we live in a world where corporations have more power than half the countries. The problem is our whole capitalist system.

“So what can we do about it?

“First, we can change the way we think.

“We need to challenge the myth that austerity is the answer to the nation’s economic problems. Austerity measures are simply a deepening of the neo-liberal experiment that got us here in the first place. The drive to cut welfare and privatise our services is purely ideological- the free market economy loved so by Margaret Thatcher and expanded by Tony Blair.

“We must also challenge the current strategy of demonising benefit claimants and immigrants. It is a cynical ploy by the establishment to deflect criticism away from themselves…. Through small personal actions we can start to change the world:

“Sign an online petition. Write to your MP. Tell them you don’t want to pay to bail out banks just so that they can continue to make profits for their shareholders!

“Join a credit union. Boycott companies who do bad things. Better still, opt out of the consumer culture which exists only to fill the offshore bank accounts of people like Philip Green.

“If we look at the cost of an item in human and environmental terms we might start to say no to the automatic phone upgrade or yet another pair of cheap trainers made by a child on the other side of the world. We can change the way we think and take small personal actions but we can also join together and reclaim democracy. Then we can really start to make a change.”

The speeches concluded, and everyone was treated to a celebration in Union Terrace Gardens. Even the sun eventually showed up.

Children enjoyed face painting and comedy from Wildly Unprepared; all enjoyed food from Café 52, music from a variety of acts, and the Guarana Street Drummers, who had led the march.

Things are changing fast economically, socially and politically with amazing speed at present; it remains to be seen where will we be next year.

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St Nicholas Hoose Folly

Aberdeen City, Creative Writing 4 Responses »

May 022013

By Bob Smith.

We’ve aa hid a leukie
At plans fer the “Civic Square”
Tae replace St Nicholas Hoose
Eence it’s aa laid bare
.
Bliddy stracht edged biggins
O the usual gless an steel
Nae flair fae the architects
The concocshuns o some feel
.
Iss is the wye tae go
We hear the planners bleat
Great innovative designs
As modernity we maun meet
.
Fit a load o bliddy crap
We hiv the chunce tae hae
A great open green space
Faar fowk can sit or play

Dinna bigg on the foons
O the concrete St Nic’s Hoose
Mak it intae a fine square
Lit yer imaginations loose
.
Open up the bonnie view
O the hoose o Provost Skene
Wi greenery jist aa aroon
Plunty space tae meet a freen
.
A place tae sit an see
The grandeur o Marischal College
An myn back tae it’s days
As a placie full o knowledge
.
Aiberdonians are fair fed up
O biggins nae bricht an jolly
Especially eens fit micht be ca’ed
The future St Nicholas Hoose folly

Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 119 – Nudge, Nudge

Opinion, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

May 022013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! This past week there was an astonishingly great fashion show by Gray’s School of Art second and third year fashion students, held in The Seven Incorporated Trades of Aberdeen.
It was professionally organised, smoothly and elegantly run (with a great reception), and the work on show was by any standard advanced beyond the expected level. More on that elsewhere in Aberdeen Voice.

Let’s take a bit of a break from Mr Trump this week I think. Besides which, he’s about to issue writs to the Scottish Government and I’m really scared! If Donald doesn’t want windfarms, Donald will take us to court!

When a law abiding man like that takes legal action, you know he’s not doing it frivolously. I’m sure he’s got a point: hardly anyone’s signing up for golf at Balmedie, and it’s almost as if the 6,000 jobs that were created might be in peril.

This lack of golfers could be due to the sandstorms, hailstorms, rain and cold weather, but far more likely people are staying away in case they’d have to see a wind farm offshore. If I’m going to spend £195 for a round of golf, then have a £100 lunch for two consisting of a few burgers, fries and coffees, I don’t want to be looking at windfarms, either. For that kind of money, I want Led Zeppelin performing live.

I hear the Mayday march might be cancelled this year. Since all of the labour force is now doing so very well under the Coalition Government, the unions decided there is no need for any display. Things are almost as great as when the entire town marched against Kate Dean.

There is also to be a party and events in Union Terrace Gardens that afternoon, but since it is so full of criminals and drug smugglers, I’m sure we’ll all be too afraid to go there. If only we could have had the granite web.

The beautiful granite-clad concrete web may be toast now, but then again, we look set to get some very fetching, brand new glass-box office buildings soon. Really, how do these trendy architects come up with these great designs?

These happening, nearly modern buildings will replace St Nicholas’ House. The complex will blend right into the local architecture of Marischal College and won’t stick out like a dated pastiche predictable cheap sore thumb whatsoever. No doubt these glass box office buildings will look absolutely state-of-the art near the Milne Triple Kirks glass box office buildings and won’t seem old dated and dirty in 3 years or less.

Given the seagull and pigeon populations, this may be a good time to open a window cleaning business.

Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre

Speaking of Triple Kirks, poor Stewart certainly has had his difficulties lately. He may have failed to get Scottish football teams to vote with him despite his use of reasoned debate, but at least he showed the city centre wildlife he was boss.

You may remember how Stewart Milne, saviour of Scottish Football and tasteful developer arranged to have the long-settled peregrine falcons ‘discouraged’ from nesting in the Triple Kirks site when he took it over. Well done Stewart.

Unlike clever, business-orientated Aberdeen, Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre. The people of Norwich surprisingly find their rare peregrines and the newly-hatched chicks a source of interest, tourism, pride and education as they and the wider world watch the birds on cctv. More info here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-22368516 .

The RSBP believes there are fewer than 1400 breeding pairs in the UK. With as many as that around, it is no wonder the previous Aberdeen City Council administration didn’t discourage Milne from discouraging the birds. We need more office buildings you see.

As there is clearly not enough building work going on to placate important local contractors, some still cling to the possibility of turning Union Terrace Gardens into a parking lot/shopping mall, which we so desperately need. What other explanation is there for the continued existence of the limited company which is the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust?

They’re still listed as an active company at Companies House, with directors Tom Smith, Lavinia Massie and of course Colin Crosby. (I wonder how they managed to get so much positive Granite Web coverage in Chamber of Commerce publications? Perhaps as a board member, Colin could help field the answer to this mystery.) Then again, Colin is also on the Aberdeen Harbour Board, which now seeks to expand into the remaining coastal greenbelt.

An ambitious man, Colin; he’ll make us all rich yet. Well, some of us rich anyway.

Between the ACGT, ACSEF, the Harbour Board, the Chamber of Commerce, Brewin Dolphin, and the board of Robert Gordon’s College, it’s a wonder Crosby hasn’t dropped any balls.

we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do

For some reason I’m reminded of an episode of Dr Who in which invading aliens try to build monstrosities all over any green space they could all in the name of profit, although I can’t think why that should spring to mind just now.

Yes, it’s men like Colin who disprove the otherwise sound, logical government experiment in Nudge Theory. I’m sure we all know what this important Nudge Theory is, but I’ll get onto it with a definition or two anyway.

Nudge Theory: (modern English jargon phrase) Behavioural theory that people are inherently lazy and need to be pushed into doing what is best for them.

The Nanny State lives on, and thank goodness for that.

It’s like this: only the Colin Crosbys, Stewart Milnes and other rich businessmen aren’t lazy – the rest of us are. Worse, we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do. This highly-scientific theory is now a government triumph! Result! Not only is it part of the reason the country’s doing so well, but it’s also going to be launched as an initiative!

And you thought there was no good news around.

The BBC covers this marvellous development, and supplies examples of what might otherwise sound like idiotic psychobabble. For instance, if manufacturers put a label on a bottle of wine to the effect that the average person drinks one glass of wine a day, we’ll all follow suit and do just that.

School children will start eating healthier at lunchtimes too. Why? Because we’re going to put the tastier junk food items in locations that are more difficult to reach than healthier options. This logic is brilliant! You can see examples of how this works in the shops today. Since lad’s mags, fags and booze are kept out of reach no one buys them because they’re too lazy to do so.

It’s clear this Nudge Theory is going to take off; it’s so easy to understand.

This scheme is going to make the government millions as well as make all of us safer and less stressed by having to think for ourselves. I personally look forward to having my laziness used to steer me into good behaviour in this subtle manner. It’s not at all Kafkaesque or Orwellian for the government to spend our time and our money on getting us to fall into line and be good.

But the really good news is that this will be a ….

Partnership Model: (modern English jargon) A business entity or company formed by government and private enterprise.

Well, since forming in 2010 the brains behind this great Nudge Theory scheme have really come together to ambitiously turn this scientific theory into a money-spinner. Old Susannah has to wonder if people are inherently lazy, then what sets the people behind this Nudge Theory Partnership Model and their work to go into business with their scheme apart from the rest of us lazy, weak-willed populace.

I guess that they’re just smarter, better, brighter than we are. Only to the worst kind of lazy cynic would this great humanitarian scheme look like a brazen wheeze and ploy to earn money for old and unnecessary rope.

Here’s what the BBC, lazy as they are, were able to find out:-

“It could become the first of “dozens” of elements of Whitehall to be spun out, as Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude plans to shake-up the Civil Service.

“A spokesman for Mr Maude said: ‘We are in a global race for the jobs and opportunities of the future. To get Britain back on the rise we must find innovative ways to deliver better services more efficiently’. [Old Susannah wonders if Mr Maude was too lazy to make his own statement to the press, and had to be ‘nudged’ into releasing a statement by this spokesman]

“’It’s great news that the world-renowned ‘nudge’ unit is spinning out from central government. As a mutual they will combine the benefits of private sector experience and investment with the innovation and commitment from staff leadership. This accelerates our drive to make public assets pay their way. We hope to support dozens more new spin outs over the next few years. This is a whole new growth area and Britain is leading the way.”

Well, I’m impressed. We’re going to make money out of exploiting people’s natural fecklessness.

The government will join with a private company (no doubt one completely unrelated to any government ministers, tax avoiders or big business interests or lobbyists. Then, they’ll sell the scheme back to the government, which will demand government offices buy into it.

Lazy? I guess you could say fecklessness is off and running as a way to make profits. Or something like that.

Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics

I wonder what this great wheeze will wind up earning for the taxpayer over the years? Undoubtedly we’ll all be better off. Otherwise, they’ll just tell us we’ll be better off, and we’ll be too lazy and/or too stupefied by our one glass of wine a day to bother to find out the real story.

If I could only motivate myself to do some work, or even to open another BrewDog.

Ages ago the Government started privatising everything, and look how well that’s turned out. For instance, Group Four security started running various prison services. These went so well, Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics without any problems at all. Could the government complain if things went wrong?

Not really – the contracts were sewn up very well, government and private sector overlaps tended to help each other out or at least look the other way if problems arose, and lobbyists were always on hand with sweeteners to keep the cogs well oiled. And so it will be with the private/public money-spinning Partnership Model, which will industriously make money out of the fact we the people are lazy.

Nudge Nudge wink wink indeed.

With the Mayday march about to take place, I think we should extend an invitation to the brave, pioneering, hard-working men and women behind Nudge Theory and the Partnership Model to come and join in. I have no doubt that if our teachers, carers, volunteers, firemen, etc. could meet the Nudge professionals, they’d understand just what real hard work is.

I was going to write about the latest in relation to the standoff between the press and the government over press regulation. I was going to write something about Trump, windfarms, and golf, but I realise that I’m just too lazy to do so.

So it’s off to watch some television until I fall asleep, and hope the government will give me some clear pointers on what to do and what not to do, but without me having to even know I’m being steered to do the right thing, as decided by the Nudge Theory think-tank. As long as I don’t have to think too much, or do much, that’ll suit me fine.

Time for my one glass of wine.

Next week – more fecklessness, or possibly some recklessness.

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Old Susannah No. 118 – The Twilight Saga

Opinion, Satire and Humour 1 Response »

Apr 262013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

The winds howl; the rain falls and a sandstorm or two batter East Grampian; it must be spring. The biggest event of the past week was to be a ‘twilight’ visit to the Menie Estate.

When I heard of the ‘twilight’ visit to the Trump course, I’d initially expected that some sulky teenage movie stars would be coming for a photo shoot, but it was even more exciting than that: Mrs Sarah Malone ‘Face of Grampian’ Bates would be meeting councillors and the public not once, but twice in the Trump parking lot. Result!

Before I give too much away about this exciting event, some of the other developments first.

What a pleasant surprise I had on Wednesday last week; I ran into Power Ranger Ian Tallboys.

I was at a meeting of the East Grampian Coastal Partnership. I’d no idea Tallboys was interested in environmental issues, so it came as something of a surprise. He was with two women who were very friendly; so much so that they kept exchanging glances and giggling at each other when I approached their group.

I told Ian that Tullos Hill was a complete tip (I really should have said it looked like a war zone), and I asked him whether or not the waste recently left on the hill by the tree planters had been removed.

I guess a busy, important award-winning man like I.T. didn’t really have time to look into these minor details, so he avoided giving either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ answer, and instead explained he’d been talking to the contractors who planted the trees, etc. etc… I translated his answer to be ‘no’. I was just flattered he seemed to recognise me.

If I weren’t so shy and retiring, I’d have asked for his autograph now that he’s won awards and been in the newspapers and all. I really must stop pestering such celebrities; he has after all met HR Princess Anne who presented the award to the Tullos Hill deer and habitat destruction scheme.

Rumours that HRH is hiring Tallboys and CJ Piper to landscape royal properties remain unconfirmed.

Other than this happy chance meeting, it’s been another colourful week. BrewDog have new additions this week– ‘there is ‘Fake’ larger and a lovely porter named after the original BrewDog dog, Bracken. Both are going down a storm.

Sadly, there were sandstorms in our area; sadly they could have had an effect on world’s greatest golf course, or worse – mess up Sarah Malone’s hair. It wouldn’t do to look untidy while representing Donald Trump.

Remember – if you want to have a foursome and play a round (as it were), for a mere £190 (resident discount), you too can enjoy sandstorms, high winds, driving rain and collapsing greens. But hurry – there are only three or four dozen places free every day, according to the online booking tool.

Media-wise we now have the Daily Record’s new Thursday publication

I’m sure that with the beautiful bed and breakfast facilities now up and running, the golf bookings will escalate even further – it’s no wonder they need a second course to cope with demand. The interior shots of the world’s greatest bed and breakfast, yours for £295 per night only, show lovely shades of mustard soft furnishings.

The last time Old Susannah saw anything in this tasteful shade was at the city council elections; Aileen HoMalone wore an adorable oversized mustard jacket, which didn’t make her look like a theatre usher or real estate sales person at all. Then there is the new fountain. It defies description, and all it needs are one or two gnomes.

Media-wise we now have the Daily Record’s new Thursday publication, ‘The Aberdonian’. Unfortunately it has seen fit to put on the cover of its first issue the wild claim that 2 out of 3 Aberdonians are against Trump when it comes to his wind farm position.

I don’t know why the Daily Record has bothered to come to our little area; after all we get all the news we need from the Press & Journal and its partner in impartiality, the Evening Express. I’m sure that after a few visits from ACSEF members, billionaires, millionaires and so on the Aberdonian will fall into line, and do as it’s told, just like Aberdeen Journals.

Back to the Twilight Saga. As I indicated, the real highlight of the past few days (if not the year) was the 23 April council visit to the Menie Estate. There should have been a 5.30 meeting followed by the hotly-anticipated Twilight session.

I arrived late to the 5.30 and was heartbroken: the visit was virtually finished. Our councillors must have been able to size up the issues in about 10 minutes flat. And Alas! Although Sarah Malone was at the first looking very fetching in high heels (I’m told), neither she nor anyone from Trump showed up for the twilight session, leaving councillors in the dark figuratively and literally. For some inexplicable, eerie, mysterious reason, and for the first time in residents’ memories, the parking lot lights hadn’t been turned on.

It was not going to be successful anyway if the intention was to look at lighting issues such as ‘light spill’ – they chose a night when the moon was nearly full. The werewolves would have loved it.

A giant white blob shimmered in the distance; it was hideous.

The night became spooky. A few bats flitted around, and an owl swooped over the trees past the full moon. The tentative start time of 9pm was greatly delayed by the Blackdog meeting concerning wind turbines which the councillors were at. It was now nearly 10pm.

You could have been forgiven for thinking vampires and werewolves would emerge, but all I saw was a few zombies, some ghouls and a witch or two, but not the one we were waiting for. No sign of Sarah; no sign of security. A giant white blob shimmered in the distance; it was hideous. I’d thought it was a ghost or daemon, but it was just the temporary marquee. Horrible.

Apparently some oil company or other will be hosting a event in this luxurious structure this very weekend! Expect celebrities in our area soon – maybe even politicians! The paparazzi will be out in force no doubt.

While I was by then quite scared, most of the councillors were in great spirits, having driven to the estate to stand around in a cold, windy, dark parking lot waiting for non-existent Trump people to appear. I know they were in great spirits because one of them said ‘This is *!(£%%~%*!! amusing, isn’t it?’’ and another ‘what a f*^&!!~%%!!! joke!’. And no sign of any Twilight actors, either.

Some unkind observers suggested the Trump people did this no-show deliberately to stall any planning decisions – but they’d never stoop to unfair tactics, I’m sure of it. It could have been a bit of completely uncharacteristic incompetence which made them look arrogant, disorganised and disdainful of local councillors, but surely not.

However, I have emailed Mrs Bates (copy George Sorial) and I’m sure she’ll write back with an explanation any moment. I only hope it wasn’t some serious accident like a broken high-heel or chipped nail polish that kept our former beauty queen from her appointment with the councillors.

I’m sure a strategic genius like Donald Trump has never made a bad decision in his life. Undoubtedly any bad decisions would have been someone else’s fault, kind of like the situation with the wee spot of financial trouble he has in Atlantic City. And with that, it is time for some definitions.

Bad Judgment Call: (mod Eng. compound phrase) – to make a decision or take an action with negative consequences.

Pity poor Euan Masterson, who was being charged with a count or two of threatening / abusive behaviour to his Ellon neighbours. Perhaps he didn’t get a very strategic legal advisor after his arrest. Some lawyers would recommend to their clients acting in an apologetic and contrite fashion. But this is what Euan did next.

Masterson decided the best thing to do was call a policeman a ‘paedophile’ the day after his arrest. Later, he decided to swear and lunge at a security guard in prison.

When it was time for his trial, he refused to leave his cell, then shouted religious abuse at a court clerk, and acted aggressively to the sheriff. It is safe to say Masterson made a few bad judgement calls. If there was any doubt that he’d get a custodial sentence, there’s no doubt now.

Further examples of bad judgment calls can be found many places, but thankfully not at the World’s Greatest Golf Course. Everything is done with the utmost taste and to the letter of the law. Whether choosing a lovely shade of gold duvet and beautiful decor for the reasonably priced (£295/night) bed and breakfast or designing a splendid concrete fountain with lions and cupids, decisions are well considered.

It is hard to believe, all things considered, that Sarah Malone had never designed a residential golf sports complex before now.

Deciding to go against the agreed plan and erect giant earth bunds and build a parking lot other than was specified could be construed either as bad judgment calls or as slaps in the face to residents, councillors and the planning process. I am sure however that there is a carefully managed strategic plan the Trump group adhere to in all things, and they don’t go in for egotistical, aggressive toys-out-of-pram reactionary hysterical arbitrary behaviour.

just a happy opportunity to stand around in the cold, wind and darkness, and enjoy a spot of leisure time together

Deciding not to show up for an important meeting with a dozen councillors who have power over your plans is probably just some kind of clever strategy. Missing this meeting could have simply been a one – off, but then again, the usually omniscient security guards were nowhere to be seen either.

Perhaps the Trump organisation thought doing a no-show was a great stalling tactic to buy more time and kick the (golf) ball into the long grass. Alas, the long grass is sand-covered, turning brown, and needs to be sprayed with blue dye.

Perhaps the hope was people at this meeting would think claims against security were exaggerated; it was certainly the first time I’d been there without seeing them driving around perpetually, looking for hardened criminals.

Whatever the reason for the Trump no-show and the lights not being put on, from the councillors and press point of view, this would not have been a bad judgment call – just a happy opportunity to stand around in the cold, wind and darkness, and enjoy a spot of leisure time together. As mentioned before, were able to see bats and owls – which demonstrated that there was wildlife in the area.

No doubt the sooner Trump is granted leave to keep these lovely, gigantic lights and erect more of them (I hope he doesn’t have any erection problems), this troublesome wildlife will be pushed out – another bonus. With people running down to the clubhouse for signs of life, and milling around the parking lot in the cold, it was a very dynamic night, even if it wasn’t in the least ‘vibrant’.

It will be a real treat for ladies in evening wear to negotiate the wind, dark and weather to the temporary marquee to eat their £20 hamburgers at the upcoming event. Tally ho!

Lying or Deception by Omission (Eng phrase) to deliberately mislead by excluding relevant information.

The Press & Journal is up for a well-deserved award! The Newspaper Association believes as we all do that this is one of the greatest local newspapers.

There might have been a wee bit of something that looked like lying by omission when they didn’t tell us about the love between editor Damian Bates and his beauty queen Sarah Malone, Trump VP; after all, on one or two occasions it seemed the paper may have shown some slight favouritism towards the Trump project.

I’m sure this accidental amnesia was not in any way meant to mislead readers. Let’s support their contention for this newspaper accolade.

Lying by omission might happen if a councillor were to not make full disclosures on their register of interest. Every councillor has to list what freebies, hospitality, gifts, favours from construction companies, drinks and meals at golf course temporary clubhouses and so on that they receive, otherwise the public would not know if there were any links between councillors and for instance rich American property tycoons.

Such councillors might be influenced by the receipt of such hospitality to favour the interests of their benefactors, and clearly that would be wrong.

A bad judgment call in such a situation would be to not fully complete their register of interest, to send harsh emails to the press, or perhaps to run around meetings with a photo of themselves with a developer, bragging about their relationship. Old Susannah is happy to confirm that none of our elected councillors would be that dumb. Obviously.

Now I’m off to put my modest little painting of Union Terrace Gardens into the Aberdeen Artists Society show. This annual event is great fun, and a great showcase for local talent. Until next time – Tally ho!

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Kept In The Dark: Trump Snubs Council

Aberdeenshire, Featured, News 3 Responses »

Apr 262013

On April 23 the Formartine Councillors should have had two site visits to the Menie Estate parking lot – which had been erected in a manner inconsistent with the agreed permission. The high bunds by the Munro home Leyton Cottage should have also been examined as they were not approved. The second of the two visits was meant to take place at approximately 9pm, and was meant to show how the lighting affects the area: the Trump organisation did not show and did not turn the lights on – for the first time in residents’ memories. Suzanne Kelly reports.

As nature intended. Temporary marquee 230413

The 5.30 meeting was amazingly brief; so brief in fact I virtually missed it. Councillors attended the parking lot, and unfortunately most did not pay sufficient attention to the bund built on Leyton Farm road by the Munro’s residence.

I had written to the councillors involved to point out that the bund, not built per the approved plans, seemed to have slipped off the scope of the retrospective permission request.

These bunds block light, block view, and more importantly are blowing sand and dirt into the Munro property.

The photograph of the sign in this article shows sand built up since sandstorms earlier this month; it is at the entrance to the Munro’s driveway.

Only a few councillors had answered my email about the bunds and assured me they would look at the situation; according to residents who watched the site visit (note – no comments were taken from the public who were only permitted to observe proceedings), only a few of the councillors ventured to the other side of the high, incongruous gate separating the parking from Leyton Farm Road to actually take in the giant scale of the bund.

This bund must not be allowed to simply be described as ‘landscaping’ – a euphemism used all too often in planning applications as an unquestionable remedy for environmental upheaval and environmental damage.

For instance the planned football stadium for Loirston Loch was going to infringe on wildlife territory – two EU protected species and many coastal birds (long in decline) were to be negatively impacted, but at the time remedial screening and ‘landscaping’ was put forward as a remedy by proponents, although the actual value of such landscaping for wildlife is questionable.

Susan Munro with another dying tree 23 04 13

Campaigners will work to ensure that there is no successful move to treat the earth bunds as landscaping. The golf club owners seem very keen on planting fir trees on these sandy bunds. These trees, exposed to wind, salt spray and asked to grow on sandy soil keep dying, as illustrated. They are replaced once nearly dead, an incredible waste of living trees.

The council may simply seek to consider the bund problem solved by forcing Trump to stop planting trees on them. This will not at all solve the problem of the lack of light, view or sand/dirt blowing into the Munro property, and is no solution..

Despite many requests to the Aberdeenshire council planning and media relations offices, there is still no satisfactory explanation of crucial questions.

I had been written to by Gordon Lyon who assured me weekly site visits had been carried out at the time to ensure compliance with the approved plans. If this level of overseeing did take place, why then were parking and bunds erected which were non-compliant?

This question needs addressing.

Lyon also assured me that the temporary bunds were taken down – I had clearly described the bund by the Munro family home when I wrote. It seems a porous parking lot surface was specified in the approved plan, which called for the layout to be sympathetic to the existing landscape. In the event, a huge, rectangular, non-porous parking area was created.

These anomalies need to be addressed.

The temporary marquee is massive, and has metal sides with windows. It is my understanding this structure can stay up for 28 days before it must be removed. It went up approximately 6 days before this meeting took place. Residents will monitor the situation.

A large party is scheduled for the marquee over this coming weekend; it seems that residents and wildlife will have to get used to such gatherings. Normal legislation permits noise up until 11pm at night, after which sound levels are to be kept low. We will see how this is respected.

However, the most sensational part of the evening was a non-event.

The ‘twilight’ visit was tentatively scheduled for 9pm. I had been with the residents from 5.30 until this start time; we arrived from a resident’s home at 8:50pm. We knew the meeting might start late, as councillors first had to attend a meeting at Blackdog concerning controversial wind farm plans.

We waited. No lights came on. The full moon – which would have made determining the lighting’s effect and light spill very difficult anyway – was the only light.

Residents and supporters present commented that the lights had virtually always come on once it got dark. But not this evening.

At approximately 09:50 the first cars arrived in the parking area. Councillors assembled. The lot remained dark.

One window in the clubhouse had light shining from it; I volunteered to walk down and see if anyone was in, but there was no answer at the locked door.

The councillors and onlookers waited. Ms Malone, who had attended the 5.30 meeting never showed up. Security, usually an all-pervading presence at the estate and who are known to jump out in front of people at night were likewise nowhere to be seen.

Suffice it to say that even councillors sympathetic to the Trump organisation were not best pleased, and approximately 15 minutes later they announced they would be leaving, unable to see the effects of the lights. The lights stand on extremely high posts, one of which is near the Munro cottage.

With no lights on, it was clear that nocturnal wildlife is in the area. Bats, protected by EU environmental regulations were very much in evidence, as was an owl or two. It was brought up in discussion with residents that two modern buildings which replaced traditional steading buildings near the top of Leyton Farm road used to have bats roosting.

The new structures, again erected apparently without planning permission, are of a metal construction, and are not conducive to bats roosting. How wildlife which may have roosted in the old buildings was dealt with when the new buildings were erected should be looked into by environmental council officers.

The steadings should likewise be scrutinised, and if planning permission was needed (as an expert in traditional buildings tells me is the case), then action should be taken.

Councillors were not making comments to the observers, but it was plain to see that no one was happy to have wasted their time. Whether or not this disregard for a scheduled planning assessment visit will go against the Trump organisation in future will be watched closely.

For now, the bunds remain at the Munro property, light spill remains unmeasured. But for the Trump organisation, everything is just fine.

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Youth Councillor Calls For Action After School Blaze

Aberdeen City, News No Responses »

Apr 262013

With thanks to Kenneth Watt.

After it was damaged by fire last weekend, local Youth Council spokesperson Kenneth Watt has called for urgent action being taken to restore the sensory garden at Hazlewood School in Aberdeen – a facility which one of his close family attends weekly.

Kenneth said:

“I have a very close family member who attends a Saturday club run by VSA at Hazlewood every weekend for disabled kids. This facility isn’t just a school, it is a lifeline to the most vulnerable children in our society.

“I am urging local politicians to do all in their ability to restore this garden which is close to the hearts of so many disabled children and their families.

“I am deeply saddened by this and am shocked that anyone would have the effrontery to commit such a crime.

“I know that the community as a whole shares my utter disgust at whoever did this. As reported recently, Aberdeen is home to some of the richest businessmen in the UK. The time is now for all to step in and give and do whatever they can to save this garden and stand up to this detestable, odious individual.

“Whoever did this needs to imagine being one of the pupils, overcoming immense challenges and unable to do some of the tasks many take for granted, turning up to school in the morning – one of few environments that they consider safe – to find that someone wanted and succeeded in destroying it.

“Just imagine how they would feel!

“My thoughts go to all at Hazlewood and I hope that we can have their garden restored as soon as possible.”

Old Susannah No. 117 – Marmite Margaret

Opinion, Satire and Humour 6 Responses »

Apr 122013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

It was a very warm welcome at the wonderful Blaikiewell’s when I visited over the weekend; it is a great spot. There is much to do to ensure its future, but certain figures have pledged to help, and hopefully this great sanctuary will carry on.

BrewDog launched its new ‘Fake’ Lager, which was a huge success. I had a nice chat with Alicia Bruce, and hope to have an interview with her on Aberdeen Voice shortly.

News-wise Spoiler Alert: Mrs Thatcher died; North Korea threatens to wage war, and horse meat tainted with the carcinogen ‘Bute’ are in the food chain, despite previous EU assurances this wasn’t the case.

That the EU got something wrong is obviously the surprise of the week. Worse still, Psy is releasing a ‘serious’ music video, and Kelly Brook accidentally went around with her dress unzipped.

Astonishingly, there was a photographer to hand.

Faced with all these overwhelming developments, and as a mark of something or other, please be advised that this column will be a bit light on the sarcasm this week. Normal services resume will resume shortly.

On the national scene, Kent Police’s Youth Police and Crime Commissioner Paris was forced to resign after some of her old tweets came back to haunt her, throwing huge shadows on her role. Some one-hundred and sixty people went out for the really cool, hip youth police job, but she was the best candidate. Makes you wonder.

Despite making drug-related and racist tweets prior to taking the job on more than a few occasions, Paris is not a racist, just someone who makes racist remarks to show off. Confusing her with a racist is an easy mistake to make; apparently all the young people are showing off by trying to look like bigots.

Thankfully nothing like that could ever happen in Aberdeen. It is not as if there are any would-be youth leaders involved in campaigns at present organising demos, holding meetings, and getting involved with politicians and academics who have previously made any dubious internet postings. I’m certain our local political parties and august educational institutions would never get involved with anyone with a dubious history.

As Ms Brown learnt, things never really get deleted from cyberspace. Can you imagine what a web of intrigue would surround such a revelation here?

In life as in death, Margaret has split opinion

There was no shortage of colourful news close to home, either. I knew our politicians had great talent, but I hadn’t appreciated that faith healing was one of their skills.

We had the one who was able to make money disappear right before our eyes; we named a street after him for a bit.

We have HoMalone who can grow trees on a severely polluted hill. To this goddess a herd of deer were sacrificed (it’s just as well she’s sure those trees will grow: I think more than a few people will be slightly cross if they don’t). She also could make things disappear, like the people who previously voted Lib Dem.

We also had a councillor who was very gifted with young people, serving on the Youth festival, and kindly offering lifts to any young people who he found walking the streets late at night. But faith healing. Wow.

In life as in death, Margaret has split opinion and bitter division erupts. Champagne corks popped in the streets of Glasgow; others mourned her and placed flowers in locations associated with her.

Old Susannah is, as you can imagine, not in the Thatcher fan club. But I won’t be dancing on her grave, either.

The first person who told me of her death was from a mining family; I can well understand the hatred she inspired in many. The privatisation of Britain and the selling of the family silverware largely started with her – but others eagerly took up her mantle and mantras. It’s said that Tony Blair was a sleeper agent of Thatcher’s, and I for one can’t disagree.

She’s gone; many of her destructive policies live on.

There are those who practically want her beatified, and refuse to hear any word against her. There are those who’d disrupt her funeral.

Gene Roddenberry put forth all sorts of ideas about equality of races and sexes

Once things quieten down, I hope people will increase their focus on the many things that are going wrong under current local, regional and national governments, and start demanding change.

There is a saying ‘only a fool would fight in a burning house’ – and all things considered, I think we might all be in a burning house together.

This ‘burning house’ proverb is, er, a ‘Klingon’ saying from Star Trek. Trek’s creator Gene Roddenberry put forth all sorts of ideas about equality of races and sexes, applying wit and logic to problems, science and fact over superstition, and of creating a better world. One of the episodes had a sub-plot based around the simple benign philosophy of ‘Can I Help?’

I wonder what he’d make of the goings-on today. He cast people from all races, sexual orientations and religions in his original series.

On that note, it’s time for a few timely definitions

Handbag: (1. Eng noun) – a satchel or case carried by women filled with personal effects; (2. Eng verb) – for a woman to suddenly and/or violently carry out a ferocious, withering verbal attack often while carrying a purse.

Well, the Thatch did give us a new word. BBC presenters, politicians, her cabinet members and advisers – none were immune from a handbagging from Maggie.

Grown men wept; this was the late 70s and early 80s, and in those somewhat less PC days, our first female PM would rage unbridled abuse on those who dared to look at her oddly, let alone challenge her, in a fashion which would be cause for legal action today.

The handbag in question held state documents and god knows what else. Likewise, several latter-day women politicians here in the Deen were known to keep interesting items in their handbags, but that is another matter.

The BBC’s Oliver Lee-Stone has an excellent article cataloguing some of the attacks launched by PM Thatcher on her colleagues, cronies and journalists; many of whom lived in absolute terror of this form of abuse. In it he quoted Kenneth Baker:-

“”When Maggie was really up against it, she would put her handbag on the cabinet table and take out a well-crumpled paper. This was the brief that came from no-one knew whom – a friend, or someone who had rung her up. It was unpredictable, sometimes illuminating, at others weird, sometimes an interesting new light, at others a worthless piece of gossip. Whenever this happened, the cabinet secretary would pale, and the minister would raise his eyes to the ceiling.”

Alas! Ironwoman was herself handbagged, in a moment which gave birth to another expression.

A Belgrano Moment: (Mod English phrase) to tell politicians ‘not in my name’ and to call them to account

While the men around her might have quaked with terror, Diana Gould was not having it. When Ms Gould participated in a BBC question and answer session with Maggie, it was handbags at dawn.

The Falklands war raged; the Belgrano was sunk – while in an exclusion zone. Margaret T was being interviewed; Sue Lawley, who seems to have been unlucky that day, was given the modern equivalent of the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern treatment – she was fired. Taking questions from callers, Margaret Thatcher met her match in Diana Gould, Geographer of the Royal Navy.

Maggie held her ground – the Belgrano sinking was the right thing to do. Gould pulled the rug from under Thatcher’s feet. Gould wasn’t having it, and sparks and fur flew. Words fail – the only thing to do is to visit this page, and watch the incident again.

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