Old Susannah’s Journal No. 144 – Dream On

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  20 Responses »
Feb 142014
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Dictionary

Alas, the vibes don’t seem so vibrant and the dynamics seem less dynamic this week in Aberdeen city and shire, for Donald Trump is leaving us for Ireland, apparently.

Instead of security guards, bunds and dyed-green turf, we’re going to be fobbed off with renewable energy in the form of offshore wind farms near Blackdog. Much as a crucifix is said to frighten vampires, the mere thought of the wind turbines have sent Trump packing. What would his Scottish granny have said?

The once beautiful concrete fountain lovingly installed at Menie House (or is that MacLeod House now?) is just a forlorn reminder of all those Great Gatsbyesque events held there.

This was the Trump Effect, which brought in so many international tourists (well at least a few dozen people more, who went to stay at the Marcliffe) and billions of pounds and gave meaningful employment to thousands (or at least half a dozen waiting staff in the luxurious clubhouse restaurant and some self-employed caddies).

We can only hope that Damian Bates will be able to keep his bride Sarah Malone, Trump’s Scottish VP, in the style to which she’s accustomed until she lands her next post as real estate project manager/golf course supremo. Rumours that other golf courses up and down the country are trying to poach Malone-Bates for her expertise remain unconfirmed.

I for one assume Trump will fly her in to Ireland to manage the new course. Old Susannah will report on the Irish celebrations in due course.

When Turnip’s Scottish court bid to stop the wind farms failed, only the cruellest snide cynic would have found any poetic justice or karma in the sad decision; how can the same Scottish Government that got rid of two SSSIs for the course possibly go against him now?  The thing is that the Donald dared to dream, and dream big. Dreaming even featured in the court case (more on that later). Therefore, without further ado, here are some dream-related definitions.

Dream Big: (Modern American phrase) to be ambitious (if not megalomaniacal, deluded, overblown)

All you need to succeed in this life is a big dream. Of course, it’s more likely to come true if your family has a big, big bank account. Here is a delightful little excerpt as to Trump’s Dream Big philosophy:-

 “One of Trump’s motto [sic] – something that he’s lived by all his life – is to think big and dream big. The fact is that if you think small, you’ll only achieve small. But if you think big, dream big, you will achieve big things in life, and Trump’s whole life – including his rise to fame, the success that he’s had, and the things that he’s achieved – provides plenty of proof about that!

“People will probably ridicule you for being too ambitious, or being a dreamer when you think big. But if you’re not going to think big, you’re never going to get there. Dreaming big provides us with motivation to actually get there. Once we dream big, we start looking for ways and finding means to actually achieve our goal and get to our destination.

“For anyone reading this, I highly recommend picking up Donald Trump’s book ‘Think Big: Make It Happen in Business and Life’ (Amazon link here) as it makes for a really fascinating read.

“The book has been co-authored by Bill Zanker – a guy who started The Learning Annex with $5,000 and grew it into a $5 million a year company. That was before he met Donald Trump. Thirty months later, after Zanker learned to Think BIG himself, The Learning Annex is generating over $100 million a year in sales—and still growing.

“Amazon.com asks Trump is there ever was a time when he didn’t think big enough. He replies: ‘I don’t think so. I always had big plans, even when I was very young. I would build skyscrapers with my building blocks’.”
http://smartbusinesstrends.com/donald-trump-quotes-2/

What can one say? First of all though, no sniggering at the name ‘Bill Zanker’ – I wonder if his friends call him ‘Willie’? But you see, it’s very easy – you too can rise to the heights of Manhattan’s real estate elite if you dream big dreams. Simples. I don’t understand the assertion in the above text about anyone ridiculing someone for being too ambitious; it’s hard for me to see what that has to do with humble Mr Trump.

But isn’t it absolutely amazing that the young Donald used to make skyscrapers out of building blocks? Perhaps if the rest of us had such an imagination in childhood, we would have wound up owning skyscrapers as well.

So there you have it. Great men have great big dreams that come true. Some people just have little dreams. The inhabitants of Leyton Cottage on the Trump estate dream of not having security guards spying on them night and day. They also dream of Trump’s giant earth bunds coming down so they can see the sea and coast again.

The residents of Hermit’s Point on the Trump estate dream of no longer looking out their windows on dead and dying trees planted by Trump to block his home, and Michael Forbes in his farm on the Trump estate may dream of being allowed to take his boat to the shore again to go salmon fishing. Who knows? Maybe someday little dreams will come true, too.

Cheese Reverie: (modern Scottish Legal term) – the condition of being so engrossed by food at a dinner, you can’t remember if anything of national importance or anything sensational was said.

The court case must have been very interesting – Donald versus Scotland over wind farms. It certainly seems that most of Scottish policy decisions are made over dinners here and in New York. But even when listening to the First Minister talking about the country’s future energy plans, sometimes your food is just more interesting.

The Scotsman reported on how a blogger was more fixated on his cheddar than on Alex Salmond:-

“… remarks allegedly made by Mr Salmond at the lunch in the sponsor’s tent at the Scottish Open at Castle Stuart in 2012…  were recalled in an affidavit by Kiel Christianson, a golf blogger, which claimed: ‘I heard  my colleague ask about whether the wind farm off the coast, near the Trump golf course would ever be built. I recall [Mr Salmond] saying ‘Absolutely’ and then the bit about not having ‘my energy policy’ dictated by Mr Trump.

Lord Doherty found… ‘Mr Christianson was focused on the food in front of him, he was, he says, in a ‘cheese reverie.’ He did not make any note of the relevant matters at the time.” – Scotsman 12 February 2014, Mike Wade

Perhaps if faced with the chance to talk to Alex Salmond about golf and energy policy, staring at the Stilton and going into a reverie might be a pretty good strategy at that.

Nightmare: (Eng. noun) An unpleasant and/or frightening dream.

All is lost; Donald will be making Ireland’s dreams come true, and all we’ll be left with is a nightmare. You can practically picture the beautiful, subtle clocks on the Trump course melting like Salvador Dali watches in a surrealist dream.  All those millions of pounds we’ve been enjoying will be going to the lucky Emerald Isle.

The Press & Journal reports:-

“The US businessman vowed to turn prestigious Doonbeg course in County Clare into an “unparalleled” attraction after a court setback in his effort to block a north-east offshore wind development”  http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/3573209

It’s already an existing course; perhaps it will be within Sarah Malone’s skills base to keep it running without parts of it falling into the sea.

As for Scotland, we’ll soon be inundated with unemployed if Donald does pull up stakes, as well as losing all the benefits you’ve been enjoying due to the ‘Trump Effect’ (c. Stewart Spence). Thankfully one of our councilors is going to beg Donald to stay here, too:-

“Last night Aberdeenshire Council leader Jim Gifford said he hoped both the Menie and Ireland resorts could be developed in ‘parallel'” (IBID)

Let’s hope so indeed. I’m sure our Irish cousins will welcome unmarked security patrols demanding to see identification at all hours of the day and night. I’m certain they’ll love paying £200 or so for a few holes of golf. Perhaps some sand could be imported, and the Great Dunes of Menie could be replicated?

As to jobs creation, I imagine that Scottish labourers will be imported to work on the Irish course, in a fair reversal of what largely seems to have happened here. No doubt the Garda will happily give Clan Trump an escort to and from the airport every time they visit just as Police Scotland gave this international VIP when he came to Aberdeen.

No doubt Irish President Michael Higgins is already promising not to build any wind farms. I guess it’s true – Scotland is closed for business. It will be interesting watching the Trump operation at work in Ireland.

But I wonder – is there a newspaper in County Clare where the editor’s wife is a beauty queen? There just might be one job loss when Trump leaves Scotland after all.

Next week:  reaction from a mourning nation as Trump departs Menie. A condolences book will be started, and councilors will be on hand.

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Old Susannah No. 143 – We’re All Going To Hell Special

 Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  23 Responses »
Feb 072014
 

Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly brings you the latest ungodly news from Aberdeen and the wider world.

Dictionary

Armageddon outta here! It’s the end of the world as we know it.  I will tell you about the nice places and people I’ve see next week (from a brilliant new Jo Malone perfume to Brewdog’s newest creations, and CASC) – if the world hasn’t ended by then – but for now, it’s all panic, gloom and doom, you’ll be pleased to know.

People are marrying people who are the same sex; people are falling in love with people – of the same gender. This is an aberration. Speaking of aberrations, UKIP have some thoughts on these dark days as well (more on that later).

It’s rained for 40 days and nights (or so it feels). There are people not resting on the Sabbath.  We don’t have a granite web.

Not since the days of worshipping a golden calf and Sodom and Gomorrah has God been so unamused with us. There are signs of this displeasure everywhere.

Best get your affairs in order, buy a few cases of BrewDog, c-rations and long life milk, and get ready to hide in the fallout shelter. Here are some reasons why.

Divine retribution: (Eng. compound noun) An instance of God or Gods carrying out a vengeful act.

As previously mentioned and painfully obvious, it’s raining constantly; some will tell you it’s global warming. However, former Tory UKIP defector David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames knows the truth. It’s God’s punishment on us all for allowing gay marriage.

Sometimes politicians accidentally say the wrong thing, almost like they were mere mortals themselves. Such slip ups are probably how this whole same-sex (do pardon my use of the word ‘S E X’ ) business started. But Silvester’s not made a mistake, In fact, rather than qualifying his remarks, he’s bravely backing them up to us heathens and pagans.

He’s defending his stance that God is throwing thunderbolts and lashing us with lashings of rain.

His rational explanation is:

“The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war.”

“I wrote to David Cameron in April 2012 to warn him that disasters would accompany the passage of his same-sex marriage bill.

“But he went ahead despite a 600,000-signature petition by concerned Christians and more than half of his own parliamentary party saying that he should not do so.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-25793358

The scriptures also make it abundantly clear that Lot’s wife got turned into a pillar of salt and that the world was created in 7 days. Best to take all of its contents as equally factual I suppose.

just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals

It must be kind of nice for Silvester and all the other people who have this hotline to the Almighty, and are convinced they know what God wants. Imagine knowing what God wants. Half the time I can’t decide what flavour of beer to drink next, or what to wear to work.  Guess I just don’t have the right kind of faith.

Another man of the times who says ‘down with this sort of thing’ is humanitarian Vladimir Putin. It’s a very good thing there are not really any gay people in Russia, as Putin’s very much against this whole gayness thing, never mind gay unions.

He’s always engaged in such manly events (or photo ops anyway) that Hemingway’s exploits look effeminate. If you’re going to the Olympics, be it to look at the captive orcas doing cute tricks, or to see who is better, stronger, faster than the next guy or girl (steroids optional), just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals, and probably get you Pussy Riot’s old prison cell.

So next time you’re sloshing through a puddle on your way to work, just remember:  it’s all the fault of gay people who want to have legal protection for their families as if they were normal heterosexuals. Vote UKIP.

Humanism: (Modern English Noun) Philosophy and movement suggesting that people can live ethical and worthwhile lives without worshipping a god, and that there is beauty in this life.

Of all the dangerous philosophies to have arisen in the history of the world, this is possibly the worst. Humanists aren’t afraid of going to hell. They don’t have to dress in a particular way or do any rituals. They do not conform to any one doctrine. And worse, they even let women  perform ‘humanist’ marriage ceremonies.

Worse – we might eventually see a Humanist woman performing a ceremony linking two same sex people. Repent now (or it will rain harder).

These Humanists are even in Scotland, which is quite rightly causing a stir. Worse still, the Church of Scotland has agreed with the Humanists that in schools instead of time for prayer, there should be time for reflection instead.

I’m sure this development has angered you as much as it has me. The Reverend Watson, of a parish in Lanarkshire, has bravely decided to leave his post amidst all this heathenism. He explains in the Scotsman:-

“It would be hypocritical of me to preach the Bible week after week if I’m not prepared to live by its teaching, and as a family we have been amazed at the doors that God has opened for us over the last couple of weeks.”   – Scotsman 2 February 2014

Looks like the old chap upstairs with the harp and sandals is giving rain to some of us per the UKIP Silvester, but opening doors for the righteous.

recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies

I’m not sure what we should do about these Humanists with their ideas about living a good life, helping others, and so on – but it’s clearly not compatible with the kind of philosophy that Reverend Watson’s church preaches. I also read that Watson has left the Church of Scotland to ‘join the stricter Free Church of Scotland’ – if I figure out how something that’s ‘Free’ is also strict, I’ll let you know.

Greed: (English Noun) Desire to acquire material goods; avarice.

Greed is certainly bringing the world down; even the Press & Journal have a front page story based on this sin on its front cover this past week.

On Thursday the P&J  reported on Sir Ian Wood’s latest findings. Sir Ian thinks that recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies to get higher salaries. The amounts of money paid to those who work off shore are going up, and apparently are ‘unsustainable’.

It’s important to remember that there are two kinds of capitalism: first there is the kind Sir Ian preaches (the good, non-greedy kind), and the kind that he wants employees to follow. When the Wood Group came up with an interesting way of paying people via offshore entities to avoid tax, thought to possibly be £15 million a year lost to the UK government, this was not greed.

This was good business sense, and I’m sure everyone was doing it. Sir Ian’s worth is somewhere around the £1,187m  mark. This is because he’s a good businessman who takes advantage of opportunities. Some people think there is a growing gulf between the haves and the have nots, but I can’t find any evidence of this.

He does lots for charity – like keeping some £50 million in his family trust.  I’m sure it will be used any day now – if not on a granite web, then on turning Rwanda’s forests into tea-producing land for the benefit of the plantation owners and his venture partner Lord Sainsbury – sorry – for helping Rwanda’s poor, AIDS victims and others.

The other kind of capitalism is the bad kind – it’s when you want to get more money to support you and your family. It’s if you are offered more money for your work by one firm, and don’t turn the offer down.

A cynic might think this article and Sir Ian’s advice to the workers and employment agencies is just a tad rich. Like Sir Ian.

Could the P&J article possibly have an unspoken message from Ian to the agencies to freeze salary  hikes, keep margins down, and for us all to stop being greedy have anything to do with increasing profit margins for those one percenters at the top of the energy sector hierarchy? Of course not.

Reactionary: (modern English noun)   Someone who has knee-jerk reactions to events and situations.

Oh dear. While Reverend Watson, Vladimir Putin and UKIP ministers tell us what God wants when it comes to gay marriage and Humanists, there are those people who just have to go against God’s messengers. It pains me to tell you, but we have a few godless reactionary people right here in Scotland.

I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library

BrewDog’s founders James Watt and Martin Dickie (I hope that’s not some kind of gay surname) have created a beer that makes fun of Putin. It is such a disappointment, I may have to rethink my fondness for the company after all. (But not until I finish the case of ‘Hello My Name Is Vladimir’ double IPA I’ve got).

Then we have a woman (who should really have stayed in the kitchen) who is an MSP in the Highlands and Islands, Mary Scanlon.  After receiving kindly suggestions not to back gay weddings which she took as threats and intimidations, she decided to support homosexual marriage instead.

She was apparently branded (perhaps literally if there is any justice) ‘GODLESS’ for coming out in favour of allowing gay marriage.

Some people have got in touch with her to spread the word of god. Apparently, she should be burnt at the stake as a witch, but they better hurry with that, because others say God will strike her down. I wonder if he’ll use a thunder bolt or just make it rain harder over her home.

The funny thing is, I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library. Mine has things about ‘doing unto others as you would have others do unto  you’, ‘he who is without sin may cast the first stone’, and ‘love one another’.

Far be it from me to suggest that those who clearly know better and who seem to have God as a ‘Linked In’ friend could be somehow mistaken when it comes to wishing ill on others, or telling us God doesn’t want gay weddings. I’ll have to find out what bible they’re reading, and whether or not it only has the old testament fire and brimstone stuff in it, and where I can get a bible without the modern hippy Jesus love each other business.

Next week:  four men of the apocalypse (probably shirtless), fire, brimstone, and of course floods.

PS – for the avoidance of doubt, I remain a BrewDog shareholder (less than 5 shares). My name is Legion, for we are many (well, 10,000 other shareholders anyway)

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 142 – Face Off

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  1 Response »
Jan 312014
 

Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly gets to grips with current news in the City of Culture.

Dictionary

The rains are lashing us, the sun never seems to shine, and I know we’re all thinking the same thing – wouldn’t it be great if we could hang around together in a civic square to celebrate.

Until such time a Toto are booked to play an outdoor show on the Sir Ian Wood Public Civic Square and Car Park, I’ll have to make do with some excellent acoustic music at BrewDog on Tuesday evenings (and the prototype beer Intersteller is rather fine, too). Congrats to BrewDog and all its 237 staff for creating some real jobs, real revenue, and of course real craft brews.

I did have a few beers to console myself – Led Zeppelin won Rock Album of the Year at the Grammys; I’d been rooting for Justin Beiber all the way. Maybe next time.

There is quite a bit of news this week, but when it comes to happenings in the Deen, I’m a bit stumped. I’ve been trying to get hold of a local newspaper all week, but when I go to the shops, I can only find architectural journals.

It seems that the most innovative thing since granite web ramps may be heading our way – we may get a glass-covered walkway and a second train station. Apparently the whole city favours these developments; how wonderful is that? The broken heart may yet be mended.

The air quality in Aberdeen may be cumulatively the worst in Scotland, according to those left wing Friends of the Earth people, but just think though – if we cover part of Union Street with a glass canopy, then we won’t have to worry about the outdoor air quality any more. I can practically hear you say ‘connectivity’ out loud, too.

I’d no idea there were so many architectural experts writing for the P&J, and yet only one architectural firm, Halliday Fraser Munro, is of sufficient merit to be worth writing about. Perhaps there are dozens of other firms employing draftsmen and designers to work for free making grand drawings and sending them to ACSEF and Aberdeen Journals hoping for cover stories.

If so, I guess they’re just not as good as the glass ceiling and the glass pyramid near the former Union Terrace Gardens, which looks set to be a concrete slab where we can all get together.

there is a scandalous move to install the Golden Eagle as the national bird of Scotland

Precisely what we’ll all be getting together to do other than shop or park, and when the window of opportunity will come weather-wise, are questions that Halliday Fraser Munro have yet to answer. Keep reading the architectural digest formerly known as The Press & Journal, no doubt all will be revealed.

While it’s not like me to be critical or ask questions, this all somehow seems just too beautiful, creative and wonderful to be true.

In a nutshell, our beating heart needs new life and a facelift to be forward facing, but we can get rid of the green lungs UTG provides, and just ignore the air quality. Perhaps it’s time for some face-related definitions.

But first, there is a serious issue which the Conservative Party’s Jackson Carlaw (no, I haven’t heard of him before now, either) brought up at Holyrood: there is a scandalous move to install the Golden Eagle as the national bird of Scotland. I’m sure you’re as surprised as I am, but no – they haven’t all been poisoned yet. Of course you’ll be as outraged by this affront as I am – obviously the Golden Eagle of Scotland is synonymous with the Nazis of the 1940s.

According to the Herald Scotland, Carlaw wants us to have the Robin instead (which also is a species in decline).  Carlaw said :

“The golden eagle is the symbol of an empire that once invaded large parts of Scotland, and more recently of another empire that tried to”

It is not clear in the above sentence whether he was referring to the Nazis, the Romans (who never did anything for us), or the Conservatives.

When I contacted a Jewish friend of mine for an indignant quote about the scandalous suggestion to associate Scotland’s Golden Eagles with Scotland, they said:

“Are you sure you have this right Suzanne?”

I wonder if this association with bad birds was behind the Stewart Milne desire to ‘discourage’ our only city centre pair of Peregrine Falcons from their former Triple Kirks home. He applied for and got permission (big surprise there) to get the birds ‘discouraged’ – i.e. moved on from their roost over UTG when Milne owned Triple Kirks.

Lucky for Aberdeen Milne did so – we could have been associated with Falcons, the Maltese Falcon and the Millennium Falcon if we hadn’t got rid of the birds.

I for one will go to sleep tonight safe in the knowledge that the Conservative Party, having already done so much for Scotland and the UK still has such tireless energy that it can solve our economic problems, support our struggling bankers, care for our environment, and make sure we’re not associated with the Romans or the Nazis because of our Golden Eagles.

 

If you’re forward looking, you’re cool, happening, modern and with it

With Aberdeen set to demonstrate its love of seagulls with glass covered streets so we can see the birds, and of course experience the beautiful quality of their droppings, I think we should give Carlaw’s brave stance the respect it is due.

Time for some definitions.

Forward Looking: (old-fashioned Aberdonian public sector phrase) –  a phrase used to convince the public the city is not backwards looking.

It’s no wonder we are building such amazing glass structures and getting rid of our old, boring granite buildings; we’re forward looking after all. Previous councils said so, so it must be true.  Here is an example of the phrase in a sentence from council documents:

“The delivery of the Council New Build Programme is a key objective of the Council’s Vibrant, Dynamic and Forward Looking policy;” from ACC_Contract_Award_comm_report_phase_1_Byron_Parkfinal

 (The above phrase comes from documents which they tried to withhold. This was to stop us from knowing how much  money one of our illustrious, if follicley-challenged, builders was making from us at the same time as he was buying property from the city for a fraction of its value. A free ticket to an Aberdeen Football Club match goes to the first reader who successfully guesses who I’m referring to).

If you’re forward looking, you’re cool, happening, modern and with it. You also probably want to build cubes with glass curtain walls.

The phrase appears in numerous council documents, although strangely not in any from the time the city was creating Marischal College, St Nicholas Kirk or the Citadel. Rest assured, we’re looking forward. We may be going backward in terms of aesthetics, environment and creativity, but we’re looking forward anyway.

Old Face Syndrome: (modern English phrase) –  a common facial trait whereby the corners of the mouth turn perpetually downward in a frown rather than smiling.

This phenomenon may be as old as Sir Ian, but it’s only recently been given a name. Apparently despite our current economic success, equality, fair system of justice and transparent, accountable governments, some people seem to frown. Shocking.

But perhaps there is a more apt local definition of ‘Same Old Face Syndrome?’ The Aberdonian definition is for ACSEF, Aberdeen Journals Ltd and the City to continue to rely on and listen to the Same Old Faces. Need a City of Culture Bid? Let Rita Stephen do it all. Need a quote about how the city’s retail is in trouble? Ask forward-facing Michie the Chemist to supply one (preferably standing in front of his avant-garde shop window).

Need someone to tell us the obvious truth that Donald Trump has brought millions of pounds and thousands of jobs to Aberdeenshire? Get hotelier Spence to tell us about his 93% increase in guests (in the 30 or so rooms in the hotel he’s selling). Need someone to tell us we need to keep building new identikit houses in the greenbelt? Ask impartial Stewart Milne.

Yes, it’s old face syndrome around here as far as I can tell. Still, as they say, ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ – so I guess we’ll keep listening to the same collection of successes.

About Face: (Eng Phrase) – to change direction or decision abruptly

Back when Stewart Milne wanted to get rid of all that boring, underused open space at Loirston Loch to put up a new stadium which all of the AFC fans wanted, one of the forces objecting was the Labour Party.

Labour’s Richard Baker put in an objection to the plan – yet when the official papers were published, only MSP Brian Adam’s objection was printed. Kate Dean sent me an email denying Baker sent anything in, but Richard proved successfully that his objection had been emailed in advance of the deadline.

It was all OK though, that the large public meeting didn’t get Baker’s objection, because Kate apologised after the fact. Calamity Kate (as the mainstream media were then calling her) ran a public consultation, acting as convener, despite her involvement with the local Cove Bay football team, which would have benefitted had the scheme gone ahead. Ah, those were the days.

Nowadays, we know that a huge number of birds of different species depend on Loirston Loch for water and habitat. We know that meadowland, an area which supports our threatened but very necessary bees, is the fastest-disappearing type of habitat. We know that Wellington Road, which turns into the dual carriageway at Loirston, is one of our most heavily polluted roads. We also know about urban sprawl and how important green space is to health and well-being.

Therefore it is something of an about face that there is widespread support cross party for developing Loirston as a housing estate. Was Baker acting on his own at the time of his objection? Do Labour care about the remaining environment more than profit?  Draw your own conclusions.  http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/planners-back-1-067-new-homes-for-aberdeen-1.174468

Next week:  more reviews of the undoubted further http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/planners-back-1-067-new-homes-for-aberdeen-1.174468exciting architectural news from our local papers.

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Old Susannah No. 141 – Greetings From NYC

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  3 Responses »
Jan 242014
 

Voice’s Old Susannah writes from New York and looks at the ‘Deen from a slightly different perspective. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryGreetings from New York, which I guess is also a bit of a city of culture like Aberdeen is. A foot of snow fell here yesterday, which has led to strange sights. Trucks spreading salt and grit were immediately deployed to major highways and bridges. Ploughs worked round the clock clearing the major roads, then the smaller ones. Most schools were closed almost immediately after the snow was forecast. Things got stranger though.

City and town governments worked to ensure public pavements were cleared. Police were out warning motorists which streets shouldn’t be used yet, and news broadcasts gave on the spot updates.

Furthermore, recorded messages went out to all residents, telling them not to go out if they didn’t have to, advising of changes in trash collection times and so on. These recorded messages reminded people of both emergency and non-emergency telephone numbers.

Neighbours telephoned each other to see if anyone was in need of help or food. People got out and shovelled snow, ensuring that the walkways were all clear. New York, it’s a helluva town. I fondly remembered the past Aberdeen City administration, which ran out of grit, which it said was very expensive. Good times.

Perhaps a few New York and Aberdeen comparison related definitions are called for, all things considered I think New York City and State could learn much from  Aberdeen City and Shire.

Municipal Park: (Eng. compound noun) open ground, forest, beach, and other areas owned, run and managed by the public sector.

Long Island is a long, thin island perpendicular to New York. It may be fairly built up close to Manhattan with Queens being densely populated, but there is still scope for development. It has over 60,000 acres of beach, forest, meadow and woodland people can roam. However, I took a long walk on a beach, and I hardly saw any other people: this means land is being wasted.

There is a famous green space called Sunken Meadow, but I can’t find word of any plans to raise it to street level and build a public square on it.

Even without building a granite web, monolith or glass worms being built, tourists and locals seem to want to spend time playing, walking, exercising and indulging in sports in outdoor locations. Much of this land has been designated ‘protected open space’, which means no one can build on it, even if they have lots of money. I guess Long Island is closed for business and not very forward looking.

Donald Trump bid to do some work at Jones Beach

There is no local development plan created by planners and builders, and taxpayers seem to get a say what will happen.

Of course planning should be left to professional house builders, unelected groups like ACSEF and elected officials who instantly become planning experts after elections, just like we do back in Aberdeen.

Long Island has a private trust which works with the government to protect the green spaces; somehow these people cling to the idea that green spaces are good for tourism, public health, surrounding businesses and air quality.

Donald Trump bid to do some work at Jones Beach; initially an art deco building was going to be redeveloped. For decades there was a public restaurant on the beach, and Trump was going to come in, dig several more underground stories (on the beach, which sounds really exciting), and modestly call it ‘Trump on the Ocean’.  But Hurricane Sandy was given as the reason for the project falling through.

Oddly enough, other local businesses and structures managed to come back from the storm, but it proved too much for Trump. According to the Huffington Post at the time:

“The billionaire real estate mogul has abandoned plans to build a controversial $24 million catering hall called Trump On The Ocean because it’s, well, on the ocean, Newsday reports. Developers and state park officials are calling it quits on the restaurant, which was planned for New York’s Jones Beach park, citing concerns over future storm damage after the current foundation flooded.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/27/donald-trump-jones-beach-sandy-ocean

So, it seems that building on sandy coastlines that are occasionally hit by storms can be difficult, and moving sand and storms are sound reasons for Trump to cease construction plans and abandon promised developments. I’ll be glad to be back in Aberdeenshire where such a thing couldn’t happen.

Meanwhile back in the Deen, officials have commented on the news that the remains (legs actually) of deer were found on Tullos Hill and on Kincorth Hill earlier in January. The police were swift to correct a source who reported five deer had been killed on Tullos Hill; it was only four – you’ll all be as relieved as I am to know it’s a mere four, not five butchered deer.

With regards to the deer leg found on Kincorth Hill though, things get stranger. The person who found the leg ran into someone who claimed to be a ranger – but the ranger service claim no rangers were in the area.

it preserved the original external wall with its interesting architecture

Whether the deer were chased with dogs, shot, or otherwise killed and how much suffering was involved remains a mystery, but no doubt our ranger service and police will pull out all the stops to find out what’s going on and protect our wildlife.

You know, the wildlife that had no ‘natural predators’ according to our city officials and Aileen Malone, so that they had to be shot for the trees to be planted. At least we’ll soon have a beautiful source of lumber –  sorry community forest – that deer can live in, created by killing the existing deer and removing most of the gorse they could have potentially hidden in from whoever is killing them.

So, another ‘Well Done’ goes to those on the tree scheme. Cheers chaps. No doubt you’ll get some more awards soon.

Museums:

Old Susannah visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art; the admission fees are optional, and dozens of schools were visiting. Oddly, there was construction work taking place to keep the building in good repair. There had been an extension built; this was a high ceiling extension with one glass side; it preserved the original external wall with its interesting architecture, yet made a nice large space for modern art.

It would of course been much more hip and happening if they had plunked a giant rectangular building on top of the existing structure, but it took Aberdeen to think of such a concept. In fact, the whole area is part of a historical district and local residents participate in preserving and celebrating the area.

Strangely, this was a natural evolution based on the artists who practiced in the area, the galleries, the high quality of the architecture and so on. If New York were better organised though, it would have a few dozen different groups, quangos and initiatives assigning names to different quarters arbitrarily, and then changing these names around every time a new shop or gallery opens or (more likely) closes.

See you in Aberdeen’s cultural quarter when I’m back – I’ll just have to figure out if it’s still on Holburn Street this week, or if the powers that be have moved it back to the HMT area or not.

I’ll definitely be in the Merchant Quarter to soak up the promised café culture.

“Described as the “beat and soul of Aberdeen” it offers some of the best dining experiences in Aberdeen, contemporary clothing shops and live music venues.”
http://www.rguschoolhillcampus.com/aberdeen/leisure/ 

There are dozens and dozens of small museums in New York State; many of these smaller ones are run by volunteers, and supported by private and public funds. Even the less profitable museums are retained because they are cultural assets. In short, these places and their collections should be sold to make more money. Raynam Hall for instance is a small white colonial house with exhibitions from the Revolutionary War.

Fundraising would not have worked here in one of Scotland’s richest cities

It’s small, there are no rides, and there’s not even a giant parking lot. The permanent collection will never be broken up, and for some reason local schools make cultural trips and take students to see Raynam Hall and other museums as part of their education. Sounds expensive to me.

Back in Aberdeen, we realise the value of our culture. We sell it. Thomas Glover House wasn’t pulling in enough money, so in 2012 its trustees sold furniture. As the Scotsman reported:

“Councillor John Reynolds, a former Lord Provost of Aberdeen who is one of the Glover house trustees, explained: ‘There was no money coming in and the curator had to go and the place had to close. And for the last two years the building has just been kept wind and water tight.

‘We had two options – either to sell the building or negotiate with the council for them to take it over. And that is where we are this moment in time.”

Mr Reynolds continued:

“We had to clear the place to save on the business rates which were quite exorbitant. We sold some of the period furniture – none of it Glover’s – which we had bought for the house and we put the important items we had collected into storage’.”
http://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle/heritage/tourist-plan-for-scottish-samurai-s-aberdeen-home-1-3278025

By the way, Glover was a little-known figure who opened up a small country named Japan to the western world; he was also involved in founding a small company called Mitsubishi. The house has been closed for two years. Yes, I guess in a poor city like Aberdeen John Reynolds was right – there were only two options – sell parts of the collection or close.

Fundraising would not have worked here in one of Scotland’s richest cities; applying for grants and loans from public and private sectors here and in Japan would not have been an option, either. Better not to have tried. But there is good news.

Glover made history; he introduced two cultures to each other, brought new art and design to the west, and made numerous contributions to Japan and Scotland. Therefore it is only fitting that his old house is to be relaunched as:

“a temple of good economic relations between Scotland and the Land of the Rising Sun.”

So, forget the Glover-related history, artwork, culture, etc. What we really need is a temple to economic relations.

If there is one thing that we do worship in Aberdeen, it is economics. Pity they didn’t think of turning Glover’s house into a temple to money earlier; no doubt that would have got the attention of Aberdeen’s great and good. Perhaps a Temple to Mammon could be built over UTG as well. There’s no word yet what form of worship will take place in the ‘Glover Temple to Economic Relations’, but I’ll keep you posted.

when the structures have sufficiently rotted, the land can finally be used for new offices or housing

In summary, New York has many small museums which get grants from the public and private sectors. School visits to these places help support their upkeep, and children get to experience the past and their culture first hand – they should of course be learning how to pass exams instead.

Such museums preserve aspects of culture and history, instead of being ‘forward looking’ and take up valuable land which could be developed instead.

By contrast, Aberdeen, the would-be city of culture, is a bit light on such field trips, has high business rates, and allows people to flog the contents of its historic buildings which are left to rot like Glover’s house and Westburn House; in a few years, when the structures have sufficiently rotted, the land can finally be used for new offices or housing.

New York’s government supports museums large and small, and I’m not at all sure if they even have a version of ACSEF at all.  Aberdeen instead pours money into worthwhile successes like ACSEF, which have the talent that’s made our retail sector what it is today.

We spend our tax money on really important things like bidding to be City of Culture and paying consultants to come up with great new city of culture proposed events like ‘gigs on rigs’ and the concert on the Dee which was to feature ships’ horns, water and horses, while our existing museums close.

It’s worth mentioning that there is one organically growing sector with a geographical area not planned out by ACSEF or Inspired: The Beermuda triangle is a reality. BrewDog and the Moorings started it with their copious selections of great craft brews; Six Degrees North and latterly Casc have opened their doors to take advantage of the growing interest in beer and the resultant potential for revenue.

This happened without any ACSEF think tanks, no outside consultants, and not even Rita Stephen. We’ve got a mini cultural/retail happening, and it’s happening because of a few innovators.  Who knows? Maybe the Beermuda Triangle will make it onto the official ‘quarters’ map one of these days.

Newspaper: (Eng. plural noun) a printed publication containing current events, stories; recent history as well as advertisements and editorials.

Old Susannah has been keeping up with the exciting news from Aberdeen as well as the more mundane New York goings on.

Here in New York, the papers vary widely in political outlook, making it very confusing to know what you should think on an issue. The New York Times, Newsday, The New York Daily News, The New York Post and a few other such minor publications vary widely in outlook, and not too many of these have lots of cute pictures of babies or newlyweds taking up the first few pages of the news.

The stories in newspapers such as the NYT and Newsday can’t be up to much; most of their pieces are available free online. You can subscribe to Newsday for instance and get both a paper copy and the full online version for just about the same cost of getting the web content of the Press & Journal (now a bargain at 1 year: £129.99).

Worse still, most of the New York newspapers print letters from readers on different sides of an issue, thus confusing readers. I can find no traces in New York’s newspapers of ‘Happy Tots’ competitions, and no articles at all about the important work ACSEF does or what its members’ opinions are. It’s as if the New York papers don’t pay attention to the important international news at all.

All in all, we have two interesting cities with coastal areas, meadows, forests, interesting architecture, and a mix of cultures. One city preserves its green spaces and historic buildings at all costs, spends money on ensuring children’s education includes culture, history and arts, has a wide range of newspapers giving different points of view, and favouring citizen-led initiatives to naturally shape policy and where culture and arts evolve naturally with public and private support.

Here’s hoping that New York will forget all that nonsense soon, and start thinking like our quangos and governments do here.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 140 – It’s Academic

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  4 Responses »
Jan 102014
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryTally Ho! Happy New Year!

I trust everyone is happily settling down to the 9-5 routine after having time off for the holidays. The sales continue, despite dire warnings that the city council has to build something to save the retail market. Amazing.

Over the holidays I took a little walk around the Menie Estate; the friendly security guards patrolled in unmarked white vans.  Someone seems to have planted gorse on a footpath or two, and the beautiful entrance gates have been decorated with a rusted-shut padlock and a few boulders.

Having  sealed this gate to the parking lot, the area is further made inviting by more sand and dirt piled up on the sides of the gate, topped with dying squares of loose turf.

Mountain goats will have no problem going around the sides of this gate.

But don’t worry: Aberdeenshire’s Access Officers have been working on improving the situation. Since last March. I’d hate for them to feel embarrassed into enforcing the laws they are paid to enforce. For that matter, the bunds still remain in place; no doubt the council will want to save itself further embarrassment and get this situation rectified sooner rather than later.

As much as I admire the boundary/pushing spirit that BrewDog embodies, I’ll be happy if they can stay away from a new beer fad emerging from whaling –happy Iceland. I’m sure no one will have anything to do with Brugghús Steðja who have decided to make whales into beer. This is apparently been marked as ‘beer for real Vikings’. I personally think it is beer for real  %!£$(@  #!!^&$£ “£$&*£”!# s, but there you go. While most of the rest of the world is trying to eliminate unnecessary cruelty, there are still some nations happy to make a go of making money out of it.

I’ll stick to my BrewDog, many thanks. BrewDog have in the past used a small number of road kill animals for taxidermy; I wasn’t mad about it – but no animals were killed deliberately.  Companies like Stedja are probably why I’ve gone vegetarian again. By the way, congratulations to the makers behind excellent documentary ‘Blackfish’ about the cruelties of Sealand towards orcas and other creatures – they’ve been nominated for a BAFTA.

One of the more charming stories over the holidays was the discovery of mice, wasps and bedbugs in Aberdeen’s schools. I guess this puts the schools on a par with the local hospitals. With recent stories in the news about the state of our schools, dodgy teachers, educational league tables, vocational education and so on dominating local and national news lately, it’s time for some timely definitions.

Left Wing Academics: (modern Eng. phrase; plural noun) Educators with political views less conservative than the views of the ruling Conservative-Liberal Democratic coalition government.

Perhaps home schooling is the only way forward for caring parents who would shield their children from what Michael Gove , Secretary for Education calls ‘Left Wing Academics.’ These sinister figures may tell your children to question authority, and to question the accuracy of what they are given to read. Remember, if something is in print, then it is true – just pick up a copy of the latest Press & Journal, and you’ll be ahead of the class for the latest factual information.

No, the class structure and the elite had no part in the War to end All War

We need to be careful what sort of revisionist ideas are being circulated, and Gove has bravely stood up to left-wing entertainer, Sir Tony Robinson. This left-winger has been involved in archaeology which can lead to an interest in history. If that weren’t left enough, Robinson is an actor who appeared in an anti-war satire.

You won’t have heard of the little-known Blackadder comedy television franchise, but one of its series suggested that World War I might have been in some ways flawed. Gove says: left-wing academics:

 “were using Blackadder “to feed myths” about World War One.” 

Our education supremo went on to display his grasp of history and command of the language as he explained:-

 “The conflict has, for many, been seen through the fictional prism of dramas such as Oh, What a Lovely War!, The Monocled Mutineer and Blackadder, as a misbegotten shambles – a series of catastrophic mistakes perpetrated by an out-of-touch elite.

“Even to this day there are left-wing academics all too happy to feed those myths.”

No, the class structure and the elite had no part in the War to end All Wars, which was the crowning achievement of military strategy. The shooting of shell-shocked, mentally distressed deserters ordered by officers had no class struggle in it at all. Perhaps there were one or two little military awkward moments like Gallipoli, the Allied defeat at the Dardanelles  and all those front line attacks , but a google search on ‘World War 1 blunders’ only got me 949,000 results.  One of the websites had a very left wing slant indeed:

“In Britain alone one third of the male population were casualties. We should learn from these costly mistakes of history so that we will not make similar errors.”   http://hornherald.blogspot.co.uk/2010/01/military-mistakes-of-world-war-1-part-2.html

That kind of talk is no way to get the next generation ready to sign up for the next war, is it?

Robinson told left wing media news agency the BBC:

“I think Mr Gove has just made a very silly mistake; it’s not that Blackadder teaches children the First World War. When imaginative teachers bring it in, it’s simply another teaching tool; they probably take them over to Flanders to have a look at the sights out there, have them marching around the playground, read the poems of Wilfred Owen to them. And one of the things that they’ll do is show them Blackadder.

“And I think to make this mistake, to categorise teachers who would introduce something like Blackadder as left-wing and introducing left-wing propaganda is very, very unhelpful. And I think it’s particularly unhelpful and irresponsible for a minister in charge of education.”

Gove’s people countered:

“Michael thinks it is important not to denigrate the patriotism, honour and courage demonstrated by ordinary British soldiers in the First World War.”

These men both unselfishly do all they can to help their spouse’s careers

So there you have it. On one side, an uneducated, demented man known for his silly clowning around and being the jester to his superior. And on the other side you have Sir Tony Robinson.

So, keep your children away from those left-wing academics. And to help you do so, thankfully we  have the wise words of Sir Ian Wood.

Footnote on Family Values: 

There is a similarity between P&J editor Damian Bates and Michael Gove that I’ll briefly mention in passing. These men both unselfishly do all they can to help their spouse’s careers, and if that isn’t love, then what is? We have seen the factual pieces in the P&J extolling the virtues of Mrs Sarah Malone-Bates’ employer Donald Trump – world’s greatest golf course, world’s biggest sand dunes (well, it’s written on a plaque Trump designed, so it must be true), and a restaurant rated 6/6.

Then we come to Mr Gove’s devotion to Mrs Gove. In testament to her rapier-like wit, she’s been given a newspaper column to write (nothing to do with her husband’s position of course). She’s such an independent, honest woman that she writes under her maiden name, Sarah Vine. This is like the modesty Sarah Malone shows, working for Trump not as Mrs Bates, but as Sarah Malone. Sarah started a wee company to help the  rest of us look as beautiful as she does; and conveniently on Facebook, it has a link to a government Department of Work & Pensions.

According to the Mirror:

“The Department for Work and Pensions’ Facebook page includes a link to Get the Gloss under a post advising how to “dress for success”.

Get the Gloss was co-founded by the Tory Education Secretary’s beauty journalist wife Sarah Vine. It offers products such as Creme de la Mer serum at £230 and Gypsy Water perfume at £130. The website’s beauty expert Judy Johnson also shares her words of wisdom on the Facebook page.

They include:

“The first impression you make with a potential employer is the most important one.”

She adds:

“Make sure your eyes look perky so you don’t look all sleepy – people will hire you more if you look awake! (A good night’s sleep usually helps or a good under eye concealer).”

Labour’s Teresa Pearce expressed surprise that the DWP was suggesting people on jobseeker’s allowance of £71.70 a week could afford such items and accused ministers of being “patronising” and demeaning”.

She added:

“It is a cheap marketing ploy designed to exploit female body insecurities and the anxieties of those seeking work to make a quick profit.

“The reason so many people are unemployed is the lack of available work and not because they need pricey beauty products. Having ‘perky’ eyes won’t change that.” http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/michael-gove-wife-sarahs-beauty-2999455

I wonder if these two power couples, the Mr Bates and the Goves shouldn’t get together?

Want to know what kind of educated citizen is valued and rewarded by Sir Ian? Old Susannah is happy to oblige.

Honorary Doctorate: (Eng. compound noun)  A person whose achievements are so considerable that an institution of higher education confers a diploma on them without their having attended courses.

Think of successful businessmen, model citizens, virile hunters of African game and if you don’t first swoon with admiration you think first of Donald Trump. More accurately, Donald Trump, Doctor of Business Administration (Hon DBA).

Sir Ian, who will be chairing a committee to shape your children’s future, is of course Chancellor of RGU. He conferred this title on the deserving Donald.

Mr Trump’s behaviour in north-east Scotland has been deplorable

Alas! Not all were happy. One disgruntled academic returned his degree to RGU. Dr Kennedy had probably been jealous; Trump had earned lots of money and didn’t therefore have to go through the usual hard work of getting a degree. Kennedy, who is probably some kind of left wing academic like Sir Tony Robinson said at the time:

“Mr Trump is simply not a suitable person to be given an honorary degree and he should not be held up as an example of how to conduct business.

“Mr Trump’s behaviour in north-east Scotland has been deplorable from the first, particularly in how he has treated his neighbours.”

Sounds like envy to me.

Commission for Developing Scotland’s Young Workforce: (Scottish Government Quango)  – Body created one year ago by central government, chaired by Sir Ian Wood “tasked with bringing forward a range of recommendations designed to improve young people’s transition into employment”.

Let’s face it, the real purposes of education are to learn how to pass tests and to learn how to do some task that will make you money. It’s wonderful that Sir Ian Wood will be passing on all of his ethics, philosophical, architectural and cultural skills to upcoming generations. If we stick to vocational education and business studies, we’ll have a better society. I’m sure Sir Ian means to also call for more young minds to study philosophy, ethics, environmental protection, fine and performing arts – but it seems he’s not got round to that yet.

There is coincidentally a skills shortage in the oil industry: this means that you have to pay people more than if you train lots of people up to do specific energy industry jobs. We need to train people how to do manual labour. We also need to train people how to look for tax loopholes. For those of you interested in the vocational training they want to roll out from an early age to your children (presumably there is more time for this now that music, sports and arts have been cut back), here are some details.
http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2013/09/7161

Some final thoughts on education:

There are still some people out there who think that the purpose of a good education should be to let children explore all of the arts and sciences and then let them decide where their talents and interests take them.

there are many different views and no religion can claim superiority

There are some who think there is value in learning a musical instrument, in learning how to play, and enjoy physical activity. Still others believe that if you teach a child how to use logic so they know how to frame an argument, weigh up facts for themselves and reach conclusions, you make them better, more informed citizens.

Others believe that the environment and nature should be experienced first hand and studied (perhaps this would have helped the police in the borders who mistook skinned roe deer they found for badgers. NB – I hope the poachers will be caught, but alas, they never seem to be).

Some people believe that studying art and nature will lead to creativity and a sense of aesthetics (I’d like to know where the granite web’s architects studied form and aesthetics).

There are proponents of comparative religious studies, so people can realise that there are many different views and no religion can claim superiority. Some believe that if you teach children about history, they may learn from the mistakes and triumphs of those who came before and learn about their own culture and therefore identity (I wonder where the property developers and obliging Central Government Reporter who will allow  building on the fields by Culloden studied history?).

There are those who feel if girls learnt about the struggles women made in the recent past to be able to vote, to own property and to study, they would be empowered (and then there is the Taliban, who had teenager Malala shot in the head for going to school). And there are even those who believe children studying all of these arts and sciences with the tools of logic and philosophy engrained would build a better, gentler, happier, cleaner world.

Thankfully, all that nonsense will soon be gone when upcoming generations are taught  how to make money and hang the rest.

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Twas The Night Before Christmas 2013

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  1 Response »
Dec 242013
 

ChristmasTwas the night before Christmas and all through the Deen
Nae een were stirrin, ye ken fit Ah mean?

ACSEF members were nestled all smug in their beds
Visions of brown envelopes danced in their heids
Lady Helen in her kerchief, and Sir Ian in his cap
Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap

When out on their lawn there arose such a clatter
Ian sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to his window, he flew like a flash
Hoping no one would try robbing his cash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of granite to objects below
When what to Sir Ian’s beady eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer:

“There’s no right of access to land near my home
“I’ve got lots of money so you’ve no right to roam!”

Twas a little old man with a red suit and beard
“Could this be a communist?” Ian Wood feared.
Santa approached, getting out of his sled
Turning to Ian, this is what he said:-
Christmas

“Perhaps greed and age have made you grow thick
“For as any fool knows I am St Nick.
“I’ve come to the Deen to reward the good
“On second thoughts I could skip you, Ian Wood.”

“The thing is, with the greedy things that you do
“I just don’t think that I can believe in you.”

At this Ian faltered – he so wanted presents:
“Hold on now Santa, I’m not one of the peasants.
“Let’s talk for a moment so I can explain
“How you can maximise your capital gain.”

“Pay your elves’ wages from an offshore tax haven
“Hoots Santa – think of the dosh you’d be savin’.
“Perhaps you should start a ‘Claus Family Trust,
“And there’s ‘Venture Philanthropy’ – yes, that’s a must.”

“No taxes to pay and you’ll save lots of money
“Stop giving away gifts for free – it’s not funny,”
“Just because poor people put up a tree
“Doesn’t mean you should give gifties for free.”

Santa sighed, saying “Thank you indeed Ian Wood
Christmas“I think though that you just might be up to no good.
“If you paid your taxes, if you weren’t so greedy
“I dare say that others might not be so needy.”

“I’ll bid you good night; I’ll say no more.”
“But do say hello to your close friend, Mrs Craw.”

Donner, the lead deer, was slightly perplexed
“Well Santa, which house will we fly to next?”
“Let’s go to the Milne house since we are quite near.”
And off flew St Nick, the elves and the deer.

“Santa, this heated driveway is quite nice,
“It’s totally clear of all snow and all ice.”
Stewart Milne’s ‘eco’ house had some curious features
This driveway was welcome to Santa’s cold creatures.

“Just one gift for Stew, here, do have a wee look”
St Nick was clutching a nice brand new book
“What is it called?” asked a curious elf
“Football for beginners” – Santa laughed to himself.

“I don’t know that Stewart kens much o the game
“He cares more for money, still all the same
“In the spirit of Christmas and the spirit of Yule
Christmas“This book may help him ken the offside rule.”

Away the deer flew with the sled full of gifts
“Hey,” Comet said, “D’ye ken Milne wears lifts?”
All the deer laughed until it was clear
That towards Aileen Malone’s house they were drawing near.

“Don’t be afraid of that witch” Santa said
“Who as we know had your comrades shot dead
“Deer, if anyone needed the loo,
“We’re over Malone’s house. Yes I think this will do.”

Over Malone’s roof they arrived in a twinkling,
And soon every reindeer and elf started tinkling.
“There are those politicians who will tell you, by heck
“that really it’s raining as they pee down your neck.”

“So do your business – relieve yourselves here.
“In memory of 36 Tullos Hill deer.”

The deer did their business and some of them tittered
“With only 5 LibDems she must be embittered.
“At the election her side got quite trounced.
“Change course for the Bates’!” St Nick announced.”

ChristmasAnd soon Santa stood on the Malone-Bates roof
“No wonder that these newlyweds were so aloof
“No news in the press of their marriage was blurted
“To ensure their financial interests weren’t hurted.”

Perfect gifts for these lovebirds Santa had found;
Down their chimney Santa jumped with a bound.

But just as our Santa started to speak
He was scared by a monster which started to shriek.

Santa stared at the thing which wore a night gown
Could this be some kind of a beast or a clown?
Its hair was in rollers, its eyes were cucumbers
Its face was green mud: “You interrupted my slumbers!”

“You’ve got ash on my carpet! Turn around and get out!”
The hideous thing did shriek and did shout.
Santa twigged who it was, she normally looked fairer
It was ‘The Face of the Deen’, the lovely bride Sarah:

“In order for my great beauty to keep
“I need many hours of deep beauty sleep.”
“Oh Sorry,” said Santa, “my fair beauty queen
“I ken now why you are the Face of the Deen.”
Christmas

“From me you will not hear any further peep
“Clearly you’re behind on your beauty sleep
“I’ve just some small gifts for you two then I’ll go
“Back to my sleigh outside in the snow.”

“I’m amazed at the way you two work close together
“Let’s hope that there won’t be any stormy weather
“Like when the course fell into the North Sea last year
“And the cold’s perhaps wrinkled your sweet face my dear.”

Sarah said, “I’ve got an old man and he gives me  presents,
“My beautiful face put me above other peasants
“He pays me to run the world’s greatest course”
(Mrs Bates showed  not even a sign of remorse).

“Well then Sarah, I’ve two little gifties for you
“A gallon of wrinkle cream, och aye the noo,
“And a book you should read , it’s called ‘Golf can be fun”
(For she hadn’t a clue when all said and done).

“No need to thank me, I’m just here to serve
“And I do think you have got the gifts you deserve.”
As the sleigh left, its bells made a sweet tinkle
Sarah ran to the mirror to check on her wrinkle.
Christmas

“All these liars and cheats, they do make me cross
“But let’s pay a visit to Sarah  Bates’ boss”
The elves were astounded- “Santa don’t be a chump”
Santa answered “I do have one giftie for Trump.”

Donald was home, counting his money
And planning a trip to somewhere quite sunny:
“Where can I go next to get a good thrill
“With lions and tigers and bears I can kill?”

The Donald thought people loved him – the great hunter
But everyone thought: ‘what a horrible c*nt’ – (Er,
sorry ‘bout the language but thinking of him
Makes my blood pressure rise and me head start to spin).

The Don said “I built this course for my auld Scottish Nanny”
St Nick replied “Now just you listen here, mannie
“I’ve got a list of who’s nice and who’s naughty
“Or arrogant, scheming deceptive and haughty.
“No gift for you – no ifs, ands or buts
“But please take a voucher –it’s for ‘Supercuts’.”

Izon Security arrived on the spot
They’d been spying on locals – they do that a lot:
Christmas“Get out of that sleigh and let’s see your ID!”
Santa replied: “Are you talking to me?”

“Get stuffed you great b*stards” Santa said with a hiss
“Has the right to roam been reduced to this?
“You’ve no right to spy or to hassle good folk
“And this golf course is really one heck of a joke.”

With a jingle of bells St Nick and his team
Flew over the Great Dunes of North Aberdeen
“Come on deer and elves, there are good folk in need
“The ones who are victims of all this crass greed.

“The ones who are teachers and nurses and such
“They get paid very little yet do very much
“The children who don’t have enough food to eat
“Aberdeen may be rich, but some live on the street.”

“There are people who help the sick and the poor
“Some help animals too, and of this I am sure
“Those who help others with no thought of themselves
“They are the real saints, the real Santas and elves.”

Santa and his team spent the rest of their night
Giving out presents to good folks’ delight.
ChristmasAsk yourselves this “Am I naughty or nice?”
If you’re a bad one, take some advice.

Flaunting your wealth, and harming others
Ruins the chance that we have to be brothers
If you can help, then you should get stuck in
Greed, don’t you know is a terrible sin.

It’s never too late to fight the good fight
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

– Suzanne Kelly

– . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . – . –

Picture – Christmas Tree Baubles

Credit: Ian Britton. Freefoto.com
http://www.freefoto.com/download/90-04-66/Christmas-Tree-Baubles

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Old Susannah No. 139 – Christmas, Corruption, Conspiracy

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  5 Responses »
Dec 192013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionarySeason’s Greetings!  No doubt you’ve bought your presents, decked your halls with boughs of holly, sent all your Christmas cards, planned your Boxing Day television viewing, and ordered your turkey.

The holidays are upon us, the pre- pre-Christmas Black Friday sales have turned to pre-Christmas sales which will in turn morph into Boxing Day sales. Hoards of shoppers will claw and elbow each other to get the last Size 14 Per Una black lace dress or the last Barbie’s Dream House from the shelf, all in the spirit of the season of good will.

Happy bargain hunting. No need then for any further lines from me on the true meaning of Christmas.

Of course there are local shops with handmade / unique / different gifts that could be bought to support local traders, but then again, selecting gifts from ma and pa shops requires a bit more time, thought, and sometimes a bit more money.

If you ever worry about who’s made the trainers or clothes you’ve just bought (or how animals were treated in the process), I wouldn’t bother. No less than an RGU lecturer I had some years back explained to his eager class how much better off third world workers are now.

In the old days, they would work for free. Now they can live and work in factory dormitories miles from their families 24/7 and earn a pound or two a week – which is more money than they were used to. Result!

This particular lecturer’s idea seemed to be that this is progress, and we’re doing our bit to help the third world. I was pretty much the only person in the class who asked the question ‘but what about ethics’? It’s best not to question people in a position of power (a lesson that is somewhat lost on me), and much better still to agree with them completely if they have the power of giving you a good grade.

If you’re lucky enough to get rewarded for putting your principles aside during these ‘Business 101’ type lectures from an early age, pretty soon you’ll have lots of good grades, and you won’t be troubled by any nagging doubts about what’s right and wrong, making it easier for those in power to get you to agree to more and more business-friendly, ethic-free dogma.

You’re not allowed to make fois gras in the UK for cruelty reasons

Anyway, back to your Christmas shopping. If your fur trimmed coat was made from cats and dogs kept in unspeakable conditions and skinned alive by veritable slave workers, or if the fur was pulled from a suffering rabbit to make you a nice pink sweater, well, you’re just helping to create a more competitive, capitalist world.

Well done you.  (At least I didn’t mention fois gras production.  But since you ask)

Fois Gras is produced by force-feeding mature male geese by shoving tubes filled with food down their throats as they spend their last weeks in tiny cages so they can’t even stretch their wings, let alone fly. Their livers and stomachs sometimes burst; they are traumatised beyond words.

You’re not allowed to make fois gras in the UK for cruelty reasons, which is bad for capitalism. Still, a few places still persist in importing the stuff and tout it to the would-be elite.

While you put your presents under the tree, none of which were probably made in the UK let alone locally, you might do well to wonder if there is some connection to you buying £4 jeans and the guy next door losing his job to a foreign company that can produce goods cheaper. It’s almost as if there was a connection of some sort.

The question of ethical goods, working conditions and animal treatment are, of course, the sort of spurious concerns of those who would slow the free market economy. As mentioned, an RGU professor was keen to tell his students how buying cheap Chinese goods was canny, and ethics had nothing to do with it.

Old Susannah recently had a conversation with someone about our entrepreneurial hero, Donald Trump.

I wanted to make sure the business woman in question knew about a few minor details which unfairly make The Don look a bit tarnished. There is the BBC proving his links in the US to organised crime figures. There are the lawsuits, the investors who have lost millions, and of course the small matter of the Trump University leading to charges of racketeering against DT.

The Trumps of this world don’t get where they are just on their good looks alone

I was wondering whether local companies might not look good allying themselves to the Trump course or hotel, if they wanted to stay free of any association to what unkind people are calling sleaze and corruption.

The shocked reaction I got from this woman was:

“well, that’s just how business works. I’ve had to do many things that were not strictly speaking legal, but that’s just how it is”  

I wonder if she’d had the same RGU lecturer as I had?

There are those who think that corruption only applies to cases where envelopes of unmarked bills are changing hands.  That kind of corruption is largely a thing of the past, except of course in cricket and football.  There are far more subtle, inventive ways to operate.

So, is it OK to bend the rules, ignore dishonesty, engage in a bit of friendly racketeering or animal cruelty if there is money to be made? Absolutely. The Trumps of this world don’t get where they are just on their good looks alone. And so, to help the budding entrepreneur, shopper, or business student, here are a few definitions from Christmases past, present and yet to come.

Cronyism: (Eng. Noun) To show favouritism based on relationships such as family, friends, work colleagues.

Cronyism charges were levelled against the BBC; the National Audit Office believes something may be amiss with some of its latest payouts to the most senior departing BEEB execs.

Some of these poor overworked execs have had a tough time; one only lasting a matter of months before going.  As you pay your licence fee this month, you might be forgiven for wondering how much of it is going on the £25 million or so in payouts for 150 leaving executives.

Some people were given more than their contracts said they should receive by their colleagues, but that is probably just generosity, not cronyism. Oddly, former Barclays bank supremo Marcus Agius came into the spotlight as well for his role within the BBC doling out taxpayers money.

I guess banks are used to doing what they wish with public funds, since we decided to give them all of our money not so long ago, and that was money well spent.

Obviously this cronyism thing is something that only goes on with left-wing media types

Former BBC deputy director Mark Byford was so traumatised by leaving that he had to be given a token sum of £300k to keep him ‘fully focused’ on his work before he left; his package was worth a million or so. What a brave guy to soldier on.

The Times reports on 16/12 that ‘BBC executives were paid millions of pounds in ‘sweeteners’ because of leadership failures at the highest level and a culture of cronyism’. Well, if friends can’t help each other, what are they for?

Obviously this cronyism thing is something that only goes on with left-wing media types. Thankfully here in the Deen we have the well-balanced ACSEF to be our business and moral compass.

For instance, I’m sure all the work it did to promote the granite web, spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayer pounds in the process, were committed only after completely fair, anonymous tendering processes had taken place, even if they channelled many of the invoices through the Chamber of Commerce which refuses to let us know who did the well-paid work.

It’s not as if, say, a PR company that had ACSEF presence and clients interested in the web going forward would just be given work by ACSEF without any full tender process.

It’s not as if disgraced ex-policeman Ian Paterson was known as ‘patting Patterson’ in the circles he moved in without anyone doing anything to dissuade their colleague from his inappropriate behaviour.

In the bigger Scottish picture, it’s not as if a friendship with the First Ministers past or present would lead to any favouritism.  Where would we be, for instance, if the rich and powerful could just befriend and dine with our ministers, and get a little help with planning permission, or get appointments to government posts?

Thank goodness for our transparent, fair, unbiased government on the local and national stages, without a whiff of cronyism.

Amnesia: (Eng. noun) A form of illness, causing temporary or permanent loss of short- and/or long-term memory.

Police Scotland are suffering from a bout of amnesia; they can’t remember where they left a report they wrote on the City Council’s interesting finances.

The police surely didn’t find anything criminal going on

Back in 2008, Audit Scotland looked at how our then city administration seemed unable to make any profit out of selling real estate; we the taxpayer lost out on a few million pounds here and  there as Kate Dean and Co. approved sales of land / buildings for a fraction of their real value.

Then Chief Executive Paterson (not to be confused with ex, disgraced policeman Patting Paterson, who is now convicted of sex offences) vowed he would not to resign over the property sales crisis.  The next week he suffered a bout of amnesia, and promptly resigned, taking with him only a modest home in Ferryhill, which the city, apparently, sold to him for less than market value.

At least they were consistent.

Audit Scotland investigated, but could not decide if it was incompetence or criminality at work as deal after deal involving the same people (cronyism?) lost thousands upon thousands.

They turned the matter over to the police to investigate, and very little was ever said on the matter again. The police surely didn’t find anything criminal going on (cronyism?) or they would have arrested some of the city mandarins that they would have known from being on different committees and working groups with.

And in a classic case of amnesia, only a few years later, the police can’t find any record of the report they created. Or so they told me.

No wonder the police found no wrong doing. They can’t even find the report.

They might have the prints and DNA of children, people accused but acquitted of crimes, a few dangerous journalists such as Anthony Baxter and Richard Phinney (creators of ‘You’ve Been Trumped’) on file forever;  but they cannot find a report into city council transactions worth millions of pounds.

Old Susannah isn’t getting any younger, and can be forgetful sometimes, too. But I have this ingenious method of looking for documents I’ve created on my computer: It’s called ‘search’.  If I type details of information I’m looking for from anything I wrote, the computer finds it for me in moments.

The Royal Bank of Scotland has been found guilty of turning healthy businesses into bankruptcies

I wonder if the police are clued up to this amazing way to look for infomation? Are they still writing their reports on vellum with ink? I can even look for items in my email, and some of you out there may be aware of this amazing technological development from the 1980s, too.

So, corruption according to some is only when you have envelopes of money flying around; I guess a little amnesia, washing of hands, selling taxpayer property for less than the real value, be it Aberdeen land or the Royal Mail, can’t be corrupt then.  Anyway, I’m sure it’s just one of those things, and no cause for concern.

Words such as ‘scandal,’ ‘coverup’ and incompetence would never occur to me when I think of how the former council sold land. But still, I wonder what the market value was of the house Doug ‘I will not resign over this’ Paterson bought from us when he retired, after presiding over these little property sales.

Fraud: (English noun) The act of committing dishonest acts for personal gain

With professors, like my old RGU don, striving to indoctrinate young (and in this case old) minds that all’s fair in business, perhaps it’s no wonder we have one or two instances of fraud around us locally and nationally.

From Carly Fallon passing off other people’s writing as her own, to restaurants offering bribes to those who give them good Trip Advisor write-ups (you know who you are), from companies using offshore tax dodges, fraud is definitely the new rock and roll.

The Royal Bank of Scotland has been found guilty of turning healthy businesses into bankruptcies, and then magically buying such businesses for a pittance and making profit, while the original owners have lost everything. Again, all’s fair in love, war and business.

More on Christmas next week, but if Father Christmas is making a list of who’s naughty or nice, one or two people in Aberdeen may find themselves on the naughty list.

Right, well it’s Christmas again.

I think by now we’ve established that not everyone looks like a supermodel, can afford hundreds of pounds of food and presents, and not everyone will be having dozens of close, equally-beautiful friends dashing to their homes in open sleighs to sing around 12’ tall, perfectly decked trees.

Don’t buy into a picture that doesn’t exist. But do, if you’re feeling stressed or unhappy about anything at all at this time of year, talk to a friend.

If you can’t talk to a friend or a family member, talk to one of the many services out there that will listen to you without judging you. Stress is particularly bad for people at this time of year, and it’s important to remember that worrying about things outside of your control will never solve anything, but will make you anxious or ill.

If there are things you can change and want to change about your work, life, home, then stop, figure out what you need to do, and start to make a plan for change. Don’t let your problems grow out of all proportion.

If you need a little bit of perspective, do some volunteering, fund-raising, join a group – do something new. You’ll be glad you did. There are people out there far worse off than you or I; be glad for what you’ve got, and don’t be tricked into thinking you need more material things to keep up with some imaginary Jones.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit obvious/preachy/oversimplified – but at the end of the day, it is definitely within your power to take stock, realise what you do have to be thankful for, and to fix what needs fixing. Please be happy, be safe, and have a Happy Christmas or whatever you might be celebrating. – OS

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Old Susannah No. 138: What Goes Around Comes Around

 Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  2 Responses »
Nov 212013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryTally Ho!  Another exciting, fun-filled, vibrant, dynamic and connectivity-laden exciting week’s gone by in Aberdeen.

Lots of action at BrewDog this past week, with a few tastings, new products, and interesting visitors. I spent some time with my favourite Scottish film director who was there for a bite and a beer.

Earlier in the week a newlywed couple and small wedding party lit the bar up; it was a pleasure to see the happy couple, and all happiness to them

Animal charities Mrs Murray’s Home for Cats and Dogs and Willows threw fundraisers; they and other charities such as Blaikiewells Horse Sanctuary and The New Ark need support as the cold weather, feed costs and animal abandonments all get worse.

This winter will be tough on everyone, especially our older residents and those facing financial hardships.  The VSA can point you in the direction of how to help.

It will be a pretty bleak winter and future for Scotland’s deer.

Scientists are lecturing estate managers on killing does and hinds, and organisations such as SNH (Shootin’ ‘n’ Huntin’ to give it its full title) want to wipe out up to half of Scotland’s deer, much to animal lovers and estate managers dismay. SNH wants powers to turn its deer guidelines into enforceable laws so they can go onto any land they like and demand deer culls.

We did see that coming. Estate managers argue the SNH has its figures wrong and they see firsthand what the deer populations are like, and no additional cull is needed. Who are you going to believe – empire-building, jumped up power-hungry government mandarins, or people who see deer daily? Why the government, of course – when have they ever steered us wrong?

On the other hand ‘Wildlife’ charity (???)  Scottish Wildlife Trust want to wipe deer out in order to help Scotland meet its wholly arbitrary (and very high) CO2 management goals. It’s all those deer driving around in cars on their own rather than taking the bus that’s polluting our air you see.

Between the Wildlife trust charities wanting to blast deer rather than protecting them, and the Forestry Commission wanting to turn forest land into windfarm sites, it’s a wonder we have any wildlife left at all. Deer are also being blamed for the demise of the Capercaillie, the decline of which has nothing to do with loss of habitat, pollution, human activities, fencing, etc.

Also hard up this winter will be our very own Stewart Milne

Perhaps for festive Christmas cards we should replace any scenes of deer in forests with wind turbines, guns, boffins, and Aileen Malone. Funny, you don’t hear that much of HoMalone these days, but rest assured, she is remembered for her work on Tullos Hill, culling deer.

Also hard up this winter will be our very own Stewart Milne. His company is posting a loss (again).

No doubt once people snap up his new houses by the Cove Bay roundabout and electricity substation overlooking the dual carriageway, he’ll be back to his 7 course meals in the Marcliffe (before it is turned into a much-needed office complex instead).

In the news this week, Audit Scotland reports there may be arguments and problems in the council – this shocking claim has caught everyone by surprise. Willie Young will be posing for photos with Callum McCaig for a joint Christmas card, to disprove the rumours of infighting.

At least the current crew of councillors aren’t flogging property off for a song and shutting down needed services like the past lot did. If some people seem to be coming to blows I’m sure it’s actually just good-natured horseplay (although from what my sources tell me, this can get a bit rough).

Of course it is only the elected officials who are the problem; it has nothing to do with staff and officers, who all get along famously.

Finally in the news, Hull has won ‘City of Culture 2017’ over Dundee. The judges had some interesting things to say about the Aberdeen bid, which can be found here. Perhaps a few definitions on ‘lacks cohesion’ and ‘deliverability’ are called for.

Gone with the Windfarm / Storm in a Toilet

No story was bigger though than the Trump Court of Session windfarm trial. It’s even bigger than the Evening Express’ exclusive that city council gardeners are storing tools in the otherwise unused and lockable Union Terrace Gardens toilets. The gardeners gave up their own personal time to help with many events in the gardens held by many groups.

Clearly, the Evening Express and the city council would have preferred them to be doing important things like moving old paint cans out of the loos instead.

it’s in such a poor state those who might want to buy it aren’t allowed in to see it

There has already been a flood of argument on this subject on Facebook, but for those who are worried about the heritage of our city and its listed buildings, perhaps turning an eye towards Westburn House might be a more appropriate way to channel energies for those who are worried about Aberdeen’s built heritage.

This great building is Grade A listed, it’s on the market, and it’s in such a poor state those who might want to buy it aren’t allowed in to see it, which is something of a drawback.

Old Susannah hears the city’s own engineers don’t want to set foot in it either. No word on whether any rakes or paintbrushes are inside Westburn. Perhaps it’s time to take stock of all the listed properties in the City’s care, and get them up to scratch.

Anyway, Trump in his generosity is even willing to selflessly get involved in whether or not Shetland will get more wind turbines; as an American billionaire (or should that be racketeer?), of course his ideas about Scottish energy generation are essential.

As mentioned, that champion of social justice Donald Trump is bravely demanding his rights in the Court of Session. What are his concerns? They can be summarised as:

  • fighting for his right to have his views to sea unspoiled.
  • fighting for his right to stop unnecessary, unattractive overdevelopment at the expense of the environment.
  • fighting against the government helping and advising special interest groups achieve their ends.
  • ensuring all existing laws of the land are respected in Scotland.
  • fighting the fact that no-one came to the golf course to see first hand what the visual impact would be of the dreaded offshore turbines.

What a guy. You’d expect such noble aims from a man with his own, brand-new, family crest, wouldn’t you? Anyone suggesting that this is hypocrisy taken to a whole new level is just jealous of Donald.

Word is that Susan Munro is baking him a bund-shaped cake

It would churlish to suggest he, in some way, is getting a dose of his own medicine or his just desserts. It’s time we gave credit to the man for everything he’s done to us – sorry, for us.

Word is that Susan Munro is baking him a bund-shaped cake as a consolation gift, and that David and Moira Milne have invited him up for a drink to look out from Hermit Point past the dying Trump-planted trees to see just how bad the windfarms will be. I may send a bottle of Glenfiddich, if he’s not named Top Scot of the year.

In celebration of all things Trump, and as a gesture of solidarity for the wigged one, Old Susannah considered flying to Africa, killing some water buffalo and elephants, stopping for a few selfies, and flying out again. As there were no suitable private jets with gold-plated taps available, I opted instead for offering a little true or false quiz.

First and Second prize will be a pint of BrewDog; last prize is a pad of genuine Trump logo notepaper, and a photo of Sarah Malone, aka Mrs Damian Bates. Send in your guesses to competition@aberdeenvoice.com.

True or False Quiz

1.  Susan Munro and residents of Leyton Cottage have had their view of the sea removed by a mound of earth Trump plunked yards from their home without any planning permission. No site visit was ever made to consider the impact of the bunds.  This is acceptable.

2.  Donald Trump’s golf course was not visited when consideration of an offshore windfarm miles away was planned and his permission was not sought. This is unacceptable.

3.  No one should have to look at offshore wind turbines when they’re playing a round of £200 per game golf at Trump Golf Links International Scotland.

4.  Trump had advice from government quango Scottish Enterprise worth at least £30,000.

5.  It was completely wrong for the government to give advice to pro windfarm groups.

6.  Trump wined and dined with two First Ministers and Jack Swinney of Scottish Enterprise when he was seeking to build his golf complex at Menie. This did not in any way indicate undue influence for a live planning application.

7.  Trump’s aide was present at the Marcliffe Hotel (beneficiary of the ‘Trump Effect’, soon to be turned into office buildings and its grounds destroyed) when a call was made about Trump’s application to the Shire council, which rightly raised a few eyebrows.

8.  Trump told the media he’d been promised permission for his golf complex by the government; he released this after he had a spat with Salmond over the windfarms.

9.  It was OK for the government and Scottish Enterprise to favour the Trump course. It is not OK for anyone to favour windfarms that golfers might have to look at.

10.  Trump is bringing billions of pounds into our fragile economy, has made us all wealthy, and therefore we should do as he says.

11.  Trump is implicated in the US in racketeering for his ‘Trump University’ scheme.

10.  There is nothing at all contradictory or hypocritical in any part of Trump’s legal actions against the windfarms and the government.

Do send in your entries. In case of a tie, here is the tie-breaker question:-

“I support Donald Trump and all he’s done for Scotland because……   “

We’ll leave it there for now; good luck with the quiz, and next week – more definitions.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 137 – Lying and Spying

 Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  2 Responses »
Nov 082013
 

Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly casts an eye on the past week’s vibrant and dynamic events.

DictionaryTally Ho!  It’s been bonfire night, which here in Torry means another 7 weeks or so of fireworks at night.

The Members (‘Sound of the Suburbs’) played at the Moorings; the Gerry Jablonski Band is touring Poland, the Opera was in town, and the fireworks went well (better than the last time, when everything went off all at once).

Giant balls and lights are being hung on Union Street for the holidays. Let’s hope the balls don’t drop, like they did a last year.

I bought a wonderful new mattress from Glencraft; the company continues to employ and support people with visual problems and others with special abilities. 

It’s just as well it’s still here, those nice ConDems have a plan to save money by taking it away from several thousand people who get independent living benefit. At present a court appeal is saving the day.  Let’s hope commonsense prevails at least once. If those individuals and corporations which avoid paying tax paid their fair share, we’d possibly not be in such a position. But they know who they are, and they’re holding onto their money.

Aberdeen Positive (cleverly branded AB+), had one of their inspiring cultural talks this week.

They’re going to give us a cultural identity brand, which is great. BP is of course involved, as are various other businessmen, and RGU admin types (who I’m sure don’t take any direction from web-happy Sir Ian Wood, who is more or less in charge at RGU). Old Susannah tragically couldn’t make their last meeting, but was told a riveting time was had by all.

Sadly someone dared to bring up the subject of Union Terrace Gardens; this dismayed the convener. Happily just at the end, our man from RGU (who’s actually lived in 27 different places, so he proudly boasts – wow!) closed by saying we need a public square. Of course we do.

I’ve spent a happy few hours this past week at BrewDog, you’ll be surprised to hear. They’ve run out of their new creation ‘Hello my name is Sonja’ – which is a blueberry packed delight. Hope it’s coming back soon. There was some pumpkin brew from the US, which was subtle, and perfect for this time of year. And yes, I’ve even bought a few more shares. Me and a few thousand other people.

BrewDog are hiring, reinvigorating the drinks sector in the UK and abroad, and are expanding. If my few quid contribution helps, then I’m glad of it. Cheers all.

It’s a good thing people’s noses don’t actually grow when they lie like Pinocchio’s did; or else some of the great and the good would have to either clam up or hire permanent plastic surgeons. Truth, or the lack of it, has featured largely this past week in the news.

In mythology, Diogenes searched endlessly for an honest man. It seems like he’d have his work cut out for him today. Here are a few definitions to illustrate.

Lying: (English Gerund) To deliberately distort the truth.

Times have changed; and I think people are getting much more honest than they used to be. After all, absolutely no one, no matter what kind of situation they might get caught in, admits to lying these days.

We’ve seen the ‘Plebgate’ case unfold: first policemen accused senior Tory MP Andrew Mitchell of a foul-mouthed rant over a bicycle, which upset the public. Later, Channel 4 obtained the footage, showing no public within earshot at all. The police logs seem to have been creative writing exercises. What followed, when the police and their superiors were asked to explain further, saw one or two innocent little white lies coming to the fore.

Mitchell lost his job, had never used the word ‘pleb’ and it’s proved no such rant actually happened.

Mitchell may have lost his job over this, but don’t worry: all the police involved are still in place, ready to continue to fight crime in their usual virtuous fashion.

The BBC reported:-

“A police officer has apologised to MPs for an “inadvertent error” in evidence to them about the “plebgate” affair.

“Det Sgt Stuart Hinton, of Warwickshire Police, said he had made an “honest” mistake in a previous hearing held by the Home Affairs Committee last month.

“He also said he regretted the “distress” felt by Andrew Mitchell and his family during the whole saga.

“But Sgt Chris Jones, of West Midlands Police, said he had not misled MPs over his disciplinary record. On Tuesday, he told MPs 13 complaints had been made about him but none had been upheld.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-24813974

So, no lying there then, just the odd ‘inadvertent error’ and the odd ‘mistake when talking to the Home Affairs Committee. Could happen to anyone.

Just because we assume the police can and should have a head for accuracy and details is no reason to think they’re superhuman. In fact Sgt Jones also managed to forget any claims had ever been lodged against him, but this was soon proved to just be another little mistake on his part.

He seemed very believable to me in his court appearance; first of all, he’s a policeman, and second of all, he was wearing a nice suit. Did the policeman admit to blatantly lying by making up this little story that cost someone a job? Not a bit of it. He does however regret things. I’m sure he does.

So how did the press get all the previous alleged dirt on former MP Mitchell? Er, the police leaked it to them, but I’m sure it was all well intentioned.  It’s very bad form for the BBC and Channel 4 to point out these flaws, and to remind us that policemen from the slightly powerful union would wear ‘police pleb’ t-shirts to show solidarity for their ‘inadvertently erring’ colleagues. That’s what friends are for.

It was all going so well against the businessmen involved, who had been granted export licences to Iraq

Perhaps we had expected the politician was lying in the ‘Plebgate’ saga; after all, there have been one or two small instances of politicians lying to us in the past.  Even Tony Blair decided to turn an intelligence dossier into a spectacular, sensational, frightening case for attacking Iraq.

Weapons of Mass destruction were poised and ready to take the UK out within 45 minutes; of course we had to have a tiny little war, even if a few million UK residents marched to protest against it. After all, we’re better off, the veterans who went there are better off, and of course the Iraqi people are better off. As is Halliburton and as are a few US tycoons.

Aside from the dodgy dossier, we had the earlier instance of saintly Alan Clark, purveyor of truth back in the days of Thatcher. The Matrix Churchill trial saw gagging orders handed out like sweeties. It was all going so well against the businessmen involved, who had been granted export licences to Iraq. It might have looked like the Government was caught in a web of blatant lies, but that wasn’t the case.

Alan eventually admitted in the face of evidence that he was just being ‘economical with the actualité’. So, once again, no real lying was going on.

Don’t worry, Aberdeen makes the grade when it comes to having honest police. We now have our own local policewoman who managed to avoid being branded a liar and/or snoop.

WPC Amanda Dixon decided that she needed to know a wee bit more about her new Peterhead neighbours; the poor policewoman was in fear they would break the law and rob her. She then merely bent the law a little, and used the police’s STORM database to do a little pre-emptive spying on them. Sure, it might have been illegal, but she is a policewoman after all.

While in the old days, if people wanted to snoop on neighbours they would simply hide behind twitching net curtains and peer, it’s nice to know Dixon is willing to go just that little bit better.

I can’t think why she got into any trouble for illegally accessing personal data in contravention of the Data Protection Act, but the story has a happy ending:  she didn’t have to go to court.

Police don’t lie, and they don’t break data protection rules, fabricate notes, and leak info to the papers

Obviously admitting no lawbreaking, Dixon bravely admitted being ‘nosy’.

Thankfully her lawyer told the sheriff that Ms Dixon was too mentally fragile to appear in court and such appearance would be detrimental to her mental health.

I, for one, am so very grateful to the legal system for sparing her this huge trauma of attending court, which clearly would be something a policewoman would never need to do normally as part of her job. You might think she was just trying to evade justice, but surely it is health after committing a crime that’s more important than the people being spied on or the law being upheld.

Now that the police have displayed such compassion to spying Dixon, I await their expedited compassion in offering compensation to George Copland. If you need a reminder, Copland was arrested days after a siege at his empty flat.

The flat was meant to have a gunman in it, although it was empty, and whoever said they were looking in the windows at a gunman would have had to go very close to the house, set away from the main road and peer in deliberately. Perhaps it was Dixon? Anyway, that was in June. No doubt a fair, full compensation deal is winging its way to Copland as you’re reading.

Police don’t lie, and they don’t break data protection rules, fabricate notes, and leak info to the papers. They might sometimes make mistakes, but don’t we all. And if police like Ms Dixon spy, I’m sure it’s for our own good in the end. No doubt her neighbours think so.

Spying: (English Gerund) The act of covertly obtaining information without the person or organisation being scrutinised giving consent or having knowledge.

In this Age of Information, the only thing that’s successfully stopping wars, terrorist attacks, organised crime, and Policewoman Dixon’s neighbours from undoubtedly robbing her is spying. I am very glad big brother is watching. I am very glad that the ‘all-seeing eye’ on American dollar bills stands for something less nebulous than some Masonic symbolism.

Spying is only done when necessary. Sixty Million Spanish telephone calls were intercepted by the US. Yes, that hardly seems like any, and that’s actually the number of calls for a whole year’s worth of listening in. I’d have thought it would be a higher figure, after all the population of Spain is about 47 million: that’s only about a call and a half per citizen.

However, Germany’s Angela Merkel is a bit put out the Yanks have been spying on her personal calls, and there is some evidence to point to the UK helping the US out in these covert activities.

As so many right-thinking people claim ‘if you’re not doing anything wrong, then you don’t have anything to hide’. Quite so. Perhaps we should just give up on the idea of individual freedoms, privacy, intimacy and individuality if it means we’ll all be safer.

It would be churlish to bring up the fact that back in the day, famous cross-dresser and paranoiac J Edgar Hoover had files on millions of Americans. If he needed one of these people to spy on other people, all he would have to do is threaten to expose the personal info he’d collected on them. If we could only get back to those good old secure, happy days – Communist witch hunts, paranoia, government control.

Thankfully, it seems we’re heading there.

Sometimes it might seem that the security forces and police get a bit sensitive about sharing the details of their own activities – particularly when these activities fall into grey areas of law. No doubt if they want our lives laid bare for their legal inspection (or for a less than legal whim, Ms Dixon), they’ll become completely honest, transparent, and law-abiding as well.

I feel sorry for those who make their living from spying on the innocent, that nasty whistleblower Edward Snowden has made life tricky for them and their crucial work. He’s obviously let the world know the extent of US snooping for his own personal gain.

He’s currently living a luxurious life as a fugitive in Moscow somewhere (no – I don’t know where to any government spooks reading this). After all, the people who are willing to look into your and my personal business for reasons ranging from national security to Dixon’s ‘nosiness’ are just trying to make an honest living.

Well, have a good week everyone. And mind what you put in that email, or say on your mobile. Big brother is listening, taking notes, and will be in touch.

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