Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly brings you the latest ungodly news from Aberdeen and the wider world.
Armageddon outta here! It’s the end of the world as we know it. I will tell you about the nice places and people I’ve see next week (from a brilliant new Jo Malone perfume to Brewdog’s newest creations, and CASC) – if the world hasn’t ended by then – but for now, it’s all panic, gloom and doom, you’ll be pleased to know.
People are marrying people who are the same sex; people are falling in love with people – of the same gender. This is an aberration. Speaking of aberrations, UKIP have some thoughts on these dark days as well (more on that later).
It’s rained for 40 days and nights (or so it feels). There are people not resting on the Sabbath. We don’t have a granite web.
Not since the days of worshipping a golden calf and Sodom and Gomorrah has God been so unamused with us. There are signs of this displeasure everywhere.
Best get your affairs in order, buy a few cases of BrewDog, c-rations and long life milk, and get ready to hide in the fallout shelter. Here are some reasons why.
Divine retribution: (Eng. compound noun) An instance of God or Gods carrying out a vengeful act.
As previously mentioned and painfully obvious, it’s raining constantly; some will tell you it’s global warming. However, former Tory UKIP defector David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames knows the truth. It’s God’s punishment on us all for allowing gay marriage.
Sometimes politicians accidentally say the wrong thing, almost like they were mere mortals themselves. Such slip ups are probably how this whole same-sex (do pardon my use of the word ‘S E X’ ) business started. But Silvester’s not made a mistake, In fact, rather than qualifying his remarks, he’s bravely backing them up to us heathens and pagans.
He’s defending his stance that God is throwing thunderbolts and lashing us with lashings of rain.
His rational explanation is:
“The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war.”
“I wrote to David Cameron in April 2012 to warn him that disasters would accompany the passage of his same-sex marriage bill.
“But he went ahead despite a 600,000-signature petition by concerned Christians and more than half of his own parliamentary party saying that he should not do so.”
The scriptures also make it abundantly clear that Lot’s wife got turned into a pillar of salt and that the world was created in 7 days. Best to take all of its contents as equally factual I suppose.
just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals
It must be kind of nice for Silvester and all the other people who have this hotline to the Almighty, and are convinced they know what God wants. Imagine knowing what God wants. Half the time I can’t decide what flavour of beer to drink next, or what to wear to work. Guess I just don’t have the right kind of faith.
Another man of the times who says ‘down with this sort of thing’ is humanitarian Vladimir Putin. It’s a very good thing there are not really any gay people in Russia, as Putin’s very much against this whole gayness thing, never mind gay unions.
He’s always engaged in such manly events (or photo ops anyway) that Hemingway’s exploits look effeminate. If you’re going to the Olympics, be it to look at the captive orcas doing cute tricks, or to see who is better, stronger, faster than the next guy or girl (steroids optional), just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals, and probably get you Pussy Riot’s old prison cell.
So next time you’re sloshing through a puddle on your way to work, just remember: it’s all the fault of gay people who want to have legal protection for their families as if they were normal heterosexuals. Vote UKIP.
Humanism: (Modern English Noun) Philosophy and movement suggesting that people can live ethical and worthwhile lives without worshipping a god, and that there is beauty in this life.
Of all the dangerous philosophies to have arisen in the history of the world, this is possibly the worst. Humanists aren’t afraid of going to hell. They don’t have to dress in a particular way or do any rituals. They do not conform to any one doctrine. And worse, they even let women perform ‘humanist’ marriage ceremonies.
Worse – we might eventually see a Humanist woman performing a ceremony linking two same sex people. Repent now (or it will rain harder).
These Humanists are even in Scotland, which is quite rightly causing a stir. Worse still, the Church of Scotland has agreed with the Humanists that in schools instead of time for prayer, there should be time for reflection instead.
I’m sure this development has angered you as much as it has me. The Reverend Watson, of a parish in Lanarkshire, has bravely decided to leave his post amidst all this heathenism. He explains in the Scotsman:-
“It would be hypocritical of me to preach the Bible week after week if I’m not prepared to live by its teaching, and as a family we have been amazed at the doors that God has opened for us over the last couple of weeks.” – Scotsman 2 February 2014
Looks like the old chap upstairs with the harp and sandals is giving rain to some of us per the UKIP Silvester, but opening doors for the righteous.
recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies
I’m not sure what we should do about these Humanists with their ideas about living a good life, helping others, and so on – but it’s clearly not compatible with the kind of philosophy that Reverend Watson’s church preaches. I also read that Watson has left the Church of Scotland to ‘join the stricter Free Church of Scotland’ – if I figure out how something that’s ‘Free’ is also strict, I’ll let you know.
Greed: (English Noun) Desire to acquire material goods; avarice.
Greed is certainly bringing the world down; even the Press & Journal have a front page story based on this sin on its front cover this past week.
On Thursday the P&J reported on Sir Ian Wood’s latest findings. Sir Ian thinks that recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies to get higher salaries. The amounts of money paid to those who work off shore are going up, and apparently are ‘unsustainable’.
It’s important to remember that there are two kinds of capitalism: first there is the kind Sir Ian preaches (the good, non-greedy kind), and the kind that he wants employees to follow. When the Wood Group came up with an interesting way of paying people via offshore entities to avoid tax, thought to possibly be £15 million a year lost to the UK government, this was not greed.
This was good business sense, and I’m sure everyone was doing it. Sir Ian’s worth is somewhere around the £1,187m mark. This is because he’s a good businessman who takes advantage of opportunities. Some people think there is a growing gulf between the haves and the have nots, but I can’t find any evidence of this.
He does lots for charity – like keeping some £50 million in his family trust. I’m sure it will be used any day now – if not on a granite web, then on turning Rwanda’s forests into tea-producing land for the benefit of the plantation owners and his venture partner Lord Sainsbury – sorry – for helping Rwanda’s poor, AIDS victims and others.
The other kind of capitalism is the bad kind – it’s when you want to get more money to support you and your family. It’s if you are offered more money for your work by one firm, and don’t turn the offer down.
A cynic might think this article and Sir Ian’s advice to the workers and employment agencies is just a tad rich. Like Sir Ian.
Could the P&J article possibly have an unspoken message from Ian to the agencies to freeze salary hikes, keep margins down, and for us all to stop being greedy have anything to do with increasing profit margins for those one percenters at the top of the energy sector hierarchy? Of course not.
Reactionary: (modern English noun) Someone who has knee-jerk reactions to events and situations.
Oh dear. While Reverend Watson, Vladimir Putin and UKIP ministers tell us what God wants when it comes to gay marriage and Humanists, there are those people who just have to go against God’s messengers. It pains me to tell you, but we have a few godless reactionary people right here in Scotland.
I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library
BrewDog’s founders James Watt and Martin Dickie (I hope that’s not some kind of gay surname) have created a beer that makes fun of Putin. It is such a disappointment, I may have to rethink my fondness for the company after all. (But not until I finish the case of ‘Hello My Name Is Vladimir’ double IPA I’ve got).
Then we have a woman (who should really have stayed in the kitchen) who is an MSP in the Highlands and Islands, Mary Scanlon. After receiving kindly suggestions not to back gay weddings which she took as threats and intimidations, she decided to support homosexual marriage instead.
She was apparently branded (perhaps literally if there is any justice) ‘GODLESS’ for coming out in favour of allowing gay marriage.
Some people have got in touch with her to spread the word of god. Apparently, she should be burnt at the stake as a witch, but they better hurry with that, because others say God will strike her down. I wonder if he’ll use a thunder bolt or just make it rain harder over her home.
The funny thing is, I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library. Mine has things about ‘doing unto others as you would have others do unto you’, ‘he who is without sin may cast the first stone’, and ‘love one another’.
Far be it from me to suggest that those who clearly know better and who seem to have God as a ‘Linked In’ friend could be somehow mistaken when it comes to wishing ill on others, or telling us God doesn’t want gay weddings. I’ll have to find out what bible they’re reading, and whether or not it only has the old testament fire and brimstone stuff in it, and where I can get a bible without the modern hippy Jesus love each other business.
Next week: four men of the apocalypse (probably shirtless), fire, brimstone, and of course floods.
PS – for the avoidance of doubt, I remain a BrewDog shareholder (less than 5 shares). My name is Legion, for we are many (well, 10,000 other shareholders anyway)
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