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Old Susannah No. 143 – We’re All Going To Hell Special

Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour 23 Responses »

Feb 072014

Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly brings you the latest ungodly news from Aberdeen and the wider world.

Dictionary

Armageddon outta here! It’s the end of the world as we know it. I will tell you about the nice places and people I’ve see next week (from a brilliant new Jo Malone perfume to Brewdog’s newest creations, and CASC) – if the world hasn’t ended by then – but for now, it’s all panic, gloom and doom, you’ll be pleased to know.

People are marrying people who are the same sex; people are falling in love with people – of the same gender. This is an aberration. Speaking of aberrations, UKIP have some thoughts on these dark days as well (more on that later).

It’s rained for 40 days and nights (or so it feels). There are people not resting on the Sabbath. We don’t have a granite web.

Not since the days of worshipping a golden calf and Sodom and Gomorrah has God been so unamused with us. There are signs of this displeasure everywhere.

Best get your affairs in order, buy a few cases of BrewDog, c-rations and long life milk, and get ready to hide in the fallout shelter. Here are some reasons why.

Divine retribution: (Eng. compound noun) An instance of God or Gods carrying out a vengeful act.

As previously mentioned and painfully obvious, it’s raining constantly; some will tell you it’s global warming. However, former Tory UKIP defector David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames knows the truth. It’s God’s punishment on us all for allowing gay marriage.

Sometimes politicians accidentally say the wrong thing, almost like they were mere mortals themselves. Such slip ups are probably how this whole same-sex (do pardon my use of the word ‘S E X’ ) business started. But Silvester’s not made a mistake, In fact, rather than qualifying his remarks, he’s bravely backing them up to us heathens and pagans.

He’s defending his stance that God is throwing thunderbolts and lashing us with lashings of rain.

His rational explanation is:

“The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war.”

“I wrote to David Cameron in April 2012 to warn him that disasters would accompany the passage of his same-sex marriage bill.

“But he went ahead despite a 600,000-signature petition by concerned Christians and more than half of his own parliamentary party saying that he should not do so.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-25793358

The scriptures also make it abundantly clear that Lot’s wife got turned into a pillar of salt and that the world was created in 7 days. Best to take all of its contents as equally factual I suppose.

just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals

It must be kind of nice for Silvester and all the other people who have this hotline to the Almighty, and are convinced they know what God wants. Imagine knowing what God wants. Half the time I can’t decide what flavour of beer to drink next, or what to wear to work. Guess I just don’t have the right kind of faith.

Another man of the times who says ‘down with this sort of thing’ is humanitarian Vladimir Putin. It’s a very good thing there are not really any gay people in Russia, as Putin’s very much against this whole gayness thing, never mind gay unions.

He’s always engaged in such manly events (or photo ops anyway) that Hemingway’s exploits look effeminate. If you’re going to the Olympics, be it to look at the captive orcas doing cute tricks, or to see who is better, stronger, faster than the next guy or girl (steroids optional), just don’t engage in any non hetro stuff. It will confuse the locals, and probably get you Pussy Riot’s old prison cell.

So next time you’re sloshing through a puddle on your way to work, just remember: it’s all the fault of gay people who want to have legal protection for their families as if they were normal heterosexuals. Vote UKIP.

Humanism: (Modern English Noun) Philosophy and movement suggesting that people can live ethical and worthwhile lives without worshipping a god, and that there is beauty in this life.

Of all the dangerous philosophies to have arisen in the history of the world, this is possibly the worst. Humanists aren’t afraid of going to hell. They don’t have to dress in a particular way or do any rituals. They do not conform to any one doctrine. And worse, they even let women perform ‘humanist’ marriage ceremonies.

Worse – we might eventually see a Humanist woman performing a ceremony linking two same sex people. Repent now (or it will rain harder).

These Humanists are even in Scotland, which is quite rightly causing a stir. Worse still, the Church of Scotland has agreed with the Humanists that in schools instead of time for prayer, there should be time for reflection instead.

I’m sure this development has angered you as much as it has me. The Reverend Watson, of a parish in Lanarkshire, has bravely decided to leave his post amidst all this heathenism. He explains in the Scotsman:-

“It would be hypocritical of me to preach the Bible week after week if I’m not prepared to live by its teaching, and as a family we have been amazed at the doors that God has opened for us over the last couple of weeks.” – Scotsman 2 February 2014

Looks like the old chap upstairs with the harp and sandals is giving rain to some of us per the UKIP Silvester, but opening doors for the righteous.

recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies

I’m not sure what we should do about these Humanists with their ideas about living a good life, helping others, and so on – but it’s clearly not compatible with the kind of philosophy that Reverend Watson’s church preaches. I also read that Watson has left the Church of Scotland to ‘join the stricter Free Church of Scotland’ – if I figure out how something that’s ‘Free’ is also strict, I’ll let you know.

Greed: (English Noun) Desire to acquire material goods; avarice.

Greed is certainly bringing the world down; even the Press & Journal have a front page story based on this sin on its front cover this past week.

On Thursday the P&J reported on Sir Ian Wood’s latest findings. Sir Ian thinks that recruitment companies and those who work offshore are being greedy if they switch companies to get higher salaries. The amounts of money paid to those who work off shore are going up, and apparently are ‘unsustainable’.

It’s important to remember that there are two kinds of capitalism: first there is the kind Sir Ian preaches (the good, non-greedy kind), and the kind that he wants employees to follow. When the Wood Group came up with an interesting way of paying people via offshore entities to avoid tax, thought to possibly be £15 million a year lost to the UK government, this was not greed.

This was good business sense, and I’m sure everyone was doing it. Sir Ian’s worth is somewhere around the £1,187m mark. This is because he’s a good businessman who takes advantage of opportunities. Some people think there is a growing gulf between the haves and the have nots, but I can’t find any evidence of this.

He does lots for charity – like keeping some £50 million in his family trust. I’m sure it will be used any day now – if not on a granite web, then on turning Rwanda’s forests into tea-producing land for the benefit of the plantation owners and his venture partner Lord Sainsbury – sorry – for helping Rwanda’s poor, AIDS victims and others.

The other kind of capitalism is the bad kind – it’s when you want to get more money to support you and your family. It’s if you are offered more money for your work by one firm, and don’t turn the offer down.

A cynic might think this article and Sir Ian’s advice to the workers and employment agencies is just a tad rich. Like Sir Ian.

Could the P&J article possibly have an unspoken message from Ian to the agencies to freeze salary hikes, keep margins down, and for us all to stop being greedy have anything to do with increasing profit margins for those one percenters at the top of the energy sector hierarchy? Of course not.

Reactionary: (modern English noun) Someone who has knee-jerk reactions to events and situations.

Oh dear. While Reverend Watson, Vladimir Putin and UKIP ministers tell us what God wants when it comes to gay marriage and Humanists, there are those people who just have to go against God’s messengers. It pains me to tell you, but we have a few godless reactionary people right here in Scotland.

I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library

BrewDog’s founders James Watt and Martin Dickie (I hope that’s not some kind of gay surname) have created a beer that makes fun of Putin. It is such a disappointment, I may have to rethink my fondness for the company after all. (But not until I finish the case of ‘Hello My Name Is Vladimir’ double IPA I’ve got).

Then we have a woman (who should really have stayed in the kitchen) who is an MSP in the Highlands and Islands, Mary Scanlon. After receiving kindly suggestions not to back gay weddings which she took as threats and intimidations, she decided to support homosexual marriage instead.

She was apparently branded (perhaps literally if there is any justice) ‘GODLESS’ for coming out in favour of allowing gay marriage.

Some people have got in touch with her to spread the word of god. Apparently, she should be burnt at the stake as a witch, but they better hurry with that, because others say God will strike her down. I wonder if he’ll use a thunder bolt or just make it rain harder over her home.

The funny thing is, I seem to have a defective copy of the bible in the Old Susannah reference library. Mine has things about ‘doing unto others as you would have others do unto you’, ‘he who is without sin may cast the first stone’, and ‘love one another’.

Far be it from me to suggest that those who clearly know better and who seem to have God as a ‘Linked In’ friend could be somehow mistaken when it comes to wishing ill on others, or telling us God doesn’t want gay weddings. I’ll have to find out what bible they’re reading, and whether or not it only has the old testament fire and brimstone stuff in it, and where I can get a bible without the modern hippy Jesus love each other business.

Next week: four men of the apocalypse (probably shirtless), fire, brimstone, and of course floods.

PS – for the avoidance of doubt, I remain a BrewDog shareholder (less than 5 shares). My name is Legion, for we are many (well, 10,000 other shareholders anyway)

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Holburn West Church’s Faith And Culture Effort

Aberdeen City, Information No Responses »

Nov 082013

Holburn West Church, in Ashley Park Drive, celebrates its sixth annual Church and Culture programme with another varied series of events bringing together faith and the arts, Alan Jackson tells Voice.

It meets at the church every Monday evening and Thursday afternoon throughout November. The series started on Monday 4 November when Hamish Mitchell read his poetry, describing moving childhood experiences of war and polio.

Future sessions will include discussions of Shakespeare’s history plays, C.S.Lewis’s Screwtape Letters, The Devil in Verse – Readings from Milton and Burns and a session of sacred music led by jazz-influenced John Montgomery.

Perhaps the highlight of the programme is a double drama bill featuring plays for voices, presenting Don’t Know Nothing, the story of Jo in Bleak House and a modern adaptation of The Parable of the Good Samaritan on Monday 18 November.

This will be followed by a discussion on poverty and compassion in our society.

All are welcome and full details of the programme can be obtained from the church website or by calling 01224-571120.

Old Susannah No. 113 – Politics And Religion

Opinion, Satire and Humour 3 Responses »

Feb 282013

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Could spring be around the corner? The weather is improving, a ‘the green shoots of the economic recovery’ (as the Tories used to say) are nearly as vibrant and dynamic as the blue-green dyed grass on Trump International’s 4th hole. Old Susannah has been taking advantage of the warm weather, and had a few lovely coastal walks recently.

On the 16th I walked around the Menie coastline with a friend from Aberdeen Voice. The Trump international people have accidentally locked a few gates shut, almost as if to discourage walkers.
No doubt once this is brought to their attention, they’ll remedy the situation.

I guess this will have to wait until the Maloney-Baloney honeymoon is over. Which it will be soon enough.

Elsewhere further down the coast I had a pleasant jog/run around the Torry lighthouse and Nigg Bay. With the good weather lots of people were enjoying themselves on the coast and at Torrymelinos. How wonderful it will be when the industrial harbour extends itself into these SSSI areas filled with protected wildlife.

We here in the Radon City can be proud of one of our environmental records which no other Scottish city seems to be able to match these many years; more of our city streets show up in the lists of top ten most polluted Scottish streets than any other city can manage. Result!

According to the latest from Friends of the Earth, Wellington Road, Union Street and Market Street are highly placed for various forms of air pollution. Well done. http://www.foe-scotland.org.uk/news030213 .

As we know, that sort of environmental nonsense doesn’t count for much around here, especially if there are jobs to be created and money to theoretically be made (for a few anyway). We could have done even better if we’d have got rid of those old trees in Union Terrace Gardens and put up some concrete (sorry – granite).

Even further still down the coast, Old Susannah had another walk with a friend on Lunan Bay. It was ‘underused’. I’m sure it could be put to more practical use and made more crowded; perhaps a golf course and a few hundred homes would do the trick.

The area is rather spoilt at one end of the bay, as an old, boring red structure looms over the scene. It must have some health and safety issues, and probably should be torn down for a shopping mall. Apparently it is called the Red Castle, and in some boring old past time some guy named William the Conqueror built it (bad job, William, it’s falling down).

Then other guys named Robert the Bruce and William Wallace used it, too.

I’m sure people visiting Scotland aren’t interested in this kind of thing, and would rather shop and eat – let’s hope Visit Scotland and Scottish Enterprise can spend some of our tax money on a nice development study for Lunan, like they did for the Menie Estate.

Overall, things are just a bit confusing this past week in the Granite City, the McCote d’Azure (formerly known as Balmedie, now famous for its turquoise dyed grass), and the wider world. It’s hard to know where to begin with all the exciting developments. But I’ll make a start. Here are some definitions relevant to this week’s current events.

Inappropriate Behaviour: (mod Eng phrase) conduct which is beyond what is accepted in societal norms; often sexual, unbalanced and/or aggressive in nature.

They say you should never discuss religion and politics. At the moment, that philosophy would leave almost nothing to talk or write about.

We’ve had the shocking spectacle of people of the same sex in love wanting to get married. Thankfully, our most senior religious figures have been there to condemn this outrageous concept, leading by example. None other than the UK’s Cardinal Keith O’Brien was one such outspoken guardian of our morals. Well, until recently.

O’Brien was at first slightly tolerant of homosexuality; then he came out (as it were) against same-sex marriages. Now his behaviour is being called ‘inappropriate.’ O’Brien apparently had a more liberal outlook in his early days climbing the greasy pole of church hierarchy.

However, his views on same sex marriage included quotes such as:-

“The empirical evidence is clear, same-sex relationships are demonstrably harmful to the medical [yes, he really said that], emotional and spiritual wellbeing of those involved, no compassionate society should ever enact legislation to facilitate or promote such relationships, we have failed those who struggle with same-sex attraction and wider society by our actions;

and apparently,

“Down with this sort of thing;

and,

“Careful now.”

O’Brien is now resigning because of alleged ‘inappropriate behaviour’ towards other priests. If Old Susannah understands correctly, this means he can’t vote for the next pope, who is resigning immediately (from a scandal-riddled institution), possibly because of some kind of scandal about to break.

I’m not one to knock the churchgoing or bash the bishops, but I’m starting to get a sneaking suspicion that there may be some flaws in the very fibre of the church. Whether or not he went around saying ‘Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls! Boys!’ is yet to be confirmed or denied. But it looks as if someone is up for a de-frocking (in an appropriate way of course – I think the ‘inappropriate’ in the church will be told to ‘frock off.’).

Inappropriate behaviour in the religious spotlight at the moment also seems to include financial inconsistencies, which if a group of men take vows of poverty while living in palaces surrounded by art treasures and wealth could just be a problem. I’m sure any missing money was just resting in someone’s account.

Inappropriate behaviour, sex scandals, child abuse, ignored abuse, lying, financial inconsistencies… these are not just the domain of the religious; the LibDems seem to like a bit of it, too. I wonder if a nice cup of tea would help. G’wan.

Inquiry: (modern compound English noun) 1. to examine a situation and learn lessons to avoid a repetition; 2. to issue a big, baffling report at the end of a few months’ of expensive taxpayer-funded testimony which clears the government of wrongdoing.

Nearly as clearly as the above situation, we have the case of Lord Rennard, and what the LibDems knew, didn’t know or suspected. Nick Clegg gave one of his straightforward interviews to save the day and let everyone know where the LibDems stood.

From his statement we can determine that yes, Clegg knew of abuse rumours, but no he didn’t really know anything, but yes, the police are investigating, but no Clegg did not look into it when it arose, but yes, it was ‘all a long time ago’, but no Clegg and the LibDems ‘cannot provide a running commentary on every shred of speculation’.

And they say the guy is wishy-washy and prone to u-turns.

He told Sky News:

“I understand there are many people who appear to want to act as self-appointed detectives trying to piece together events that happened many years ago, but the only way that we are going to get to the bottom of the truth, the only way we are going to ensure that the women whose allegations were broadcast on television last week are properly listened to, the only way were are going to establish exactly what happened and who knew what and when, is by allowing the two investigations that I established immediately after the Channel 4 broadcast to do their job and, indeed, to allow the police, whom we have now approached, to do their job as well.

“And in the meantime I cannot and my party cannot provide a running commentary on every shred of speculation about events which happened many years ago.”

Clegg does in his words ‘want to get to the bottom’ of the truth. What he’ll do when he finally hits rock bottom is another matter. Better late than never, though.

Still, with two government inquiries announced, we’ll have the truth in no time, just like we did after government inquiries into the sexed-up dodgy dossier that got us into the Iraq war, the mysterious death of Dr Kelly, the petrol pricing inquiry, and so on.

But as Nick Clegg helpfully pointed out a few times to the press, the scandal and abuse was ‘all a long time ago,’ (so it can’t really matter).

You have to wonder why the victims of sexual abuse just don’t pop down to a friendly police station and report abuse. What could be less traumatic and simpler than finding a sympathetic, understanding government institution to get swift, fair justice?

Operation Sapphire: (modern English compound noun) a Police initiative in south London to address sexual crime.

Result! A South London police initiative to help victims of sexual crime! No doubt they would treat victims with great dignity, understanding and offer support.

Or, as came out in the news this week, they could just tell victims that the police wouldn’t be interested in getting any justice, and they should just forget it.

I guess they think this is a great way not only to keep the reported crime statistics low, but also to save taxpayer money on costly trials and even costlier jail sentences (not that many rapists get convicted anyway). That’s what they seemed to think anyway, as they helpfully, sympathetically told rape victims not to press charges. Brilliant.

“The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said Southwark Sapphire unit in south London “encouraged” victims to withdraw allegations to boost detection rates.

“The Metropolitan Police said substantial changes had been made.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21586786

It looks as if at least one accused rapist who was let off the hook went on to kill a couple of children per the above report. Well, stuff happens. It’s not as if there is any reason to think a violent sexual predator would pose a long-term threat, is there?

Let’s face it, being a police officer can be stressful. I hope these victims of violent crime can think about the effect their stories might have on the police before they go around upsetting them by making allegations.

Back in 2009, the UK had the worst rape conviction rate in Europe. It seems some people in power might want to keep it that way.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/

I hope these little definitions will help to give everyone the faith in our institutions that they deserve. As the ConDems will be the first to tell you, ‘we’re all in this together.’ Indeed we are.

Next week: a look at some great letters I’ve received from government branches, hopefully an update on the SNH’s plans to shoot 700 deer in Scotland out of season, and more definitions.

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Aberdeen Musicians In Bid To Save Historic Organ

Aberdeen City, Featured, History, Information 7 Responses »

Oct 112012

As plans progress for a new 10 storey office block on the former Capitol cinema, Murray Henderson meets Charlie Davidson, an early member of the Aberdeen Theatre Organ Trust, who talks about his hopes for the legendary Compton Cinema Organ, still resident in the now derelict building.

During the Capitol’s spell as a nightclub, few clubbers could have known that beneath their feet lay an exquisite example of one of the most complex and beautiful musical instruments ever produced in Britain.
The mighty Compton Organ was sealed underneath the floor of the nightclub as a condition of planning approval to convert the cinema in 2002. It was built by master organ maker John Compton of Nottingham. His brand was the most popular in Britain, with a total of 261 organs installed in British theatres¹.

Because of the silent nature of early cinema, it was left to virtuoso organists to provide the spine-tingling soundtracks to the era’s films. In its heyday the Capitol’s Compton was of some renown and organ performances in the theatre were even broadcast to the nation.

A previous planning application for the demolition of the Capitol auditorium was approved by Aberdeen Council and backed by Historic Scotland. Though the plans were not progressed, they included the display of the organ console alone, to be rendered unplayable, above the entrance as “a reminder of the original use of the building”².

But that is not enough for former Trust member and Aberdeen-born organ maestro Charlie Davidson, who is intent on saving the entire instrument from the wrecking ball and ensuring that its unique sound can once again be heard in the city.

Aberdeen Voice (AV): Charlie, what is your association with the Capitol’s Compton Organ?

Charlie Davidson (CD): I was born and raised in Aberdeen, and studied organ at St Andrews Cathedral in King Street Aberdeen in the 1960s but also discovered there was a magical Pipe Organ in the Capitol at the same time. I was allowed in to play the Compton on Saturday mornings which was wonderful. This was about 1965 and the Compton in the Capitol was the first Cinema Pipe Organ I ever played. The Capitol Organ, and in fact the entire cinema, was a big part of my life.

AV: Can you describe the Compton and how it felt to play in the Capitol?

CD: The Compton was a wonderful instrument. The acoustics of the Capitol were great and the organ console was on an electric lift situated in the centre of the orchestra pit. It was a great thrill to push the ‘up’ button on the organ console whilst playing and you would be lifted up to stage level in full view of the audience.

AV: How does a Cinema Organ differ from a Church Organ, which people might be more familiar with?

CD: The mechanical side of the organ is very similar to some Church Organs but the stops, or ranks of pipes, are quite different. Because the Cinema Organ was originally designed to accompany silent films, its main purpose was to imitate an orchestra. Having said that, it can still sound like a Church Organ if required.

The technique required is quite different to Church Organ playing. In fact, you will find that practically all cinema organists can play the Church Organ, but few church organists can play the Cinema Organ. The percussions were a major part of this design.

The Capitol Organ has a xylophone, glockenspiel, cathedral chimes, vibraphone and a full set of drums, cymbals and sound effects. The effects are operated by buttons above the pedals and consist of things like horses’ hooves, bells, buzzers, car horns, sirens, etc. – all great fun.

AV: It sounds like a very complex instrument.

CD: The organ is not just the console in the pit; it also has a massive blower in the basement and two rooms full of organ pipes and percussion instruments half way up the proscenium arch on the right hand side. There are also miles and miles of cables and relays etc. Restoration is a big job and I should know as I have removed several of these instruments over the years. The last one was in Mallorca this year.

AV: Can you tell us more about your previous restoration work?

CD: Another of the organs I rescued was from the Rex Cinema in Stratford, east London. This organ has now been fully restored by a team of enthusiasts in the Royalty Theatre in Bowness on Windermere and had its opening on the 6th October³. In addition, I have the unique Ingram Organ from the Astoria Corstorphine in storage and also a fine Wurlitzer Pipe Organ from the Ritz Workington.

AV: I understand the Capitol Compton was broadcast.

CD: Yes, the Capitol organ was broadcast many times on the BBC. We had lots of famous resident organists including Rowland Timms, George Blackmore, Bobby Pagan and others – all of whom broadcast regularly. The Capitol was very well known to the UK BBC audience.

AV: There seem to be a number of different Compton designs, do you know if the Capitol’s Compton was unique, designed especially for the cinema?

CD: There were many designs of organ console. The Capitol console was unusual but not unique. The art deco end boxes are known as ‘coffin ends’ for obvious reasons and are really just for show, to make the organ look more impressive as it rose out of the pit in the spotlight.

AV: Do you have any idea of how rare these instruments are nowadays?

CD: There are now only four Cinema Pipe Organs left in Scotland – the Capitol Compton, a very fine restored Wurlitzer in Glasgow, a Hilsdon organ in Greenlaw (ex Playhouse Edinburgh) and a Compton under restoration in the Heritage Centre Coatbridge. To the best of my knowledge, these are the only Cinema Pipe Organs left in all of Scotland. The Capitol Organ was a particularly good instrument as was the one in the Astoria Aberdeen.

AV: What became of the Aberdeen Astoria Organ?

CD: It was rescued and installed in the hall of Powis Academy. In November 1982, an arson attack by a pupil destroyed parts of the school including the organ. It had a glass surround and organ bench and the organist could change the colour of the entire lighted console at the flick of a stop. It could also be set to ‘auto’ and gently fade through all the colours of the rainbow. These illuminated consoles were known as ‘jelly moulds’ again for obvious reasons. They were unique to the UK which I always found surprising. The American Cinema Organs never had anything like it.

AV: How did you learn the skills necessary to restore Cinema Organs?

CD: Sheer trial and error. I bought my first pipe organ from Letterfourie House in Buckie when I was 14 years old and completely rebuilt it. It was a really historic organ and is still going strong with a local organ builder. It just went on from there and I got interested in the mechanics of Pipe Organs. The restoration encompasses woodwork, electrical, relays, etc. which I love and you end up with something you can play.

AV: In your opinion is the Compton Organ in the Capitol restorable?

CD: The Capitol Compton organ is most certainly restorable. It will require a lot of work, but it is such an important piece of Aberdeen’s history it really has to be done.

References:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Compton_(organ_builder)

2. Aberdeen City Council Approval Notice for Planning Application (P101757) searchable on ACC website. Current Capitol Planning application is (P101757).

3. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-19270424

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Old Susannah No. 87 – Morality Tales

Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jul 262012

Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah can barely contain her excitement over the Olympics and Tartan Day, and reviews the week’s past local events. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! I guess we’ve all had an exciting week, and with the Olympics upon us and Tartan Day around the corner, you can practically feel the excitement.

I am not sure whether we will need to deploy surface-to-air missiles on top of St Nicholas House to ensure Tartan Day goes without a hitch like they’re doing with the Olympic games (what could go wrong?). I am not clear as to whether there will be a special ‘Tartan Day’ lane on our main roads for VIPs, either.

But in all seriousness, it should be fun.

There has been so much in the news these last few weeks about morals – people wanting to marry people of the same sex just because they’re in love; people committing moral crimes (like paying in cash for services) and so on; who’s to know what’s moral and what’s not any more?

As well as looking to our community leaders, movie stars and elected officials for guidance through the murky waters of morality, Old Susannah has some advice and of course definitions.

Moral Superiority: (Eng. phrase) – claim of holding a higher set of values and ethics than another person or group (not to be confused with smug, self-righteous, conceited, or small-minded).

Firstly, we are all shocked, angered and saddened by the main news, I’m sure. Kirsten Stewart, Twilight and Snow White star is not snow-white like the rest of us after all. Stewart has had a brief encounter with a married film director.

No doubt armies of Twilight fans in thrall to her Twilight co-star, Robert Pattison, will be baying for Stewart to be burned at the stake. After all, Hollywood is no place for people to have affairs, and a star in a quick fling with a director is without precedent.

I’m sure all of us remember what it was like to be in our late teens and early twenties, and we all remember how responsible we were then, never making any mistakes, never experimenting, and of course always being faithful.

Being as good as we were is just as easy if you’re trying to fit into Hollywood and make your way in life in front of a lens. Otherwise, there would be one or two examples of child stars who had unhappy, stormy lives. It is important to remember that what goes on between the people involved is the world’s business, because they are famous.

let’s not forget either that it is OK for a man to cheat, but for a girl to do so is unacceptable

It must be Kristen’s fault, mustn’t it? Helpless Hollywood director, all on his own, and a worldly twenty-something woman, and all that. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to US Weekly’s campaigning, morally-superior investigative journalists and the editors who put them on the scent of this crucial news story.

Will Stewart and Pattison get together again? Will they be happily married and never divorce? I can barely sleep nights for thinking about it.

Other than that, there is something in the news about a bank scandal, and civilians including children being tortured and killed in a place called Syria. Will get back to you on that boring stuff some other time, but for now best keep your money in your mattress. (I have deliberately spared you any lame puns in the ‘Twilight’ vampire vein. I didn’t think I’d earn your fangs if I wrote anything about what was at stake for Stewart and Pattison, and I didn’t want any hilarious jokes giving anyone a coffin fit. Bad vampire puns suck).

Now that we’ve established we are all morally superior to Ms Stewart and her director, let’s not forget either that it is OK for a man to cheat, but for a girl to do so is unacceptable. I hope Ms Stewart will look to other famous role models in Hollywood and Government for clues as how to be as morally acceptable, faithful and upright as they are in the future.

One last observation, courtesy of the Facebook page of George Takei (something popular with the young people I’m told). In the Harry Potter saga, when the heroine’s boyfriend leaves her, Hermione goes on a quest to save the world. In the Twilight saga, when the heroine’s boyfriend leaves her, Bella sits in a chair for three months, doing nothing but crying. Hmm.

Morally Wrong: (Eng phrase) behaviour or opinions which go against prevailing standards.

Hooray! The Coalition government is going after those who are ‘morally wrong’ – and they should know all about morals, shouldn’t they?

Exchequer Secretary David Gauke has publicly accused homeowners who give workers cash of helping them avoid tax. Tax avoidance! NO! Our tax system is totally fair, and anyone who is doing jobs for cash is always a morally bankrupt criminal. And the government have more than a little experience with tax avoidance.

The Government practices what it preaches, and no MPs are guilty of any tax evasion, book-fiddling, or expense padding at all

The Revenue has, after a few expensive meals and hospitality events, waived goodbye to tax which was owed to you and I by Vodaphone, to name but one multinational that hasn’t paid what it owed. These few settlements made by the government to multinationals of a billion here and a few hundred million there can eventually add up to significant amounts, but nothing like the man who wants £50 for painting your hallway.

Rumour has it that even here in the respectable North East of Scotland, one of our very own billionaires changed some of his employment schemes to keep money offshore and out of the taxman’s pocket. Wood that I could tell you who I was thinking of.

The Government practices what it preaches, and no MPs are guilty of any tax evasion, book-fiddling, or expense padding at all. The government needs all the money it can get for worthwhile causes like buying more weaponry. After we’ve taken care of the defence budget, we can throw a few scraps to the poor (but only the ‘undeserving’ poor of course).

Hopefully, we’ve got all the lazy MS, cancer-stricken, paralysed layabouts back into meaningful work (whether paid or not), so we should probably consider cutting back on social welfare programmes. It might seem that there is one rule for the rich and powerful, and another for the rest of us, but I’m sure this is just illusory.

I admit that there are people who make a career out of avoiding tax who are involved in the building trade; they should be brought to book, and made to behave like MPs, bankers and company directors.

Once Scotland is independent, it will all be different, I’m sure. But remember, if you hire someone to paint your front steps or fix your garden, don’t pay in cash. Try to pay them with a service in kind instead – let’s see how that would work.

Moral High Ground: (Eng. phrase) The position of superiority of those with codes and values above the prevailing standards in society.

Well, thank heavens for the Westboro Baptist Church! Where would we be without them. These followers of Christ (who once apparently had something to do with ‘love one another’ and ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ and other outdated nonsense) are showing us the way.

These people occupy the moral high ground, because they know what god would have wanted

They nearly came to Aberdeen once to spread the word against immoral behaviour like homosexuality, but they changed their minds. Old Susannah was so looking forward to greeting them appropriately as well; so were several hundred others. Perhaps they still will.

These people occupy the moral high ground, because they know what god would have wanted. They helpfully show up at funerals for servicemen and women who were gay, and create delightful, enlightening events for the mourners, in the true spirit of Christianity of course.

Strangely no mainstream churches seem brave enough to join Westboro on its crusades against gays, blacks, Jewish people and others. I wonder why. When I have a chance, I think I’ll ask Westboro about some of its positions; I am starting to wonder if they are a bit racist and homophobic – and I’m not quite able to find the bits in the bible telling me God wants it that way.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little update on what is and isn’t moral, and if you have any questions, just get in touch with Westboro.

Next week: a romp through Aberdeen’s draft financial accounts – which everyone has the chance to examine until 18 August.

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Old Susannah #72 – Propaganda Special

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Environment, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Mar 302012

Midway between that referendum and the forthcoming council elections, Old Susannah takes a look at the nature, effect and effectiveness of propaganda. By Suzanne Kelly.

Tally Ho! The weather in Aberdeen has been glorious; half of the town seems to have been at the beach or Torrymelinos this past Sunday; even the dolphins showed up to add to a beautiful spring day. I just finished reading Adam Ardrey’s book ‘Finding Merlin’, which I review elsewhere in Aberdeen Voice.

Ardrey makes some interesting observations in this book. Between this and a thread on Facebook where a city employee set out to defend the City’s publication ‘Our Green Times’ which uses (whether deliberately or not) several propaganda techniques, Old Susannah has been thinking about ways in which people are being manipulated by those in power.

Ardrey’s book and other works show that what little we think we know today about Merlin and Arthur had been deliberately garbled by the propaganda arm of the young Christian church. There was a huge power struggle between the existing druidic tradition (where education was prized, men and women were largely equal) and the new Christian movement.

The church needed to seize power and to instil fear and respect in the populace in order to survive and become supreme. The old ways favoured a system of meritocracy for choosing kings; the church used politics and propaganda, and chose to favour hereditary government. The church could not allow any alternative religion or opposition of any kind to exist.

So the druid Merlin was referred to as a madman and a conjurer in Christian-controlled texts of the times, and non-Christians were lumped into one group called ‘pagans’ and ‘heathens’.

The Christian church’s use of propaganda was skilful, and it pretty much ensured druidic tradition was purged from the records. Only in coded form or in ridicule would the church allow its opponents to be referred to at all. The new religion’s propaganda was sometimes brutal, sometimes subtle – but in the end it won.

Thank goodness today people come to positions of power and influence because of their abilities and not because of money and connections. Take Donald Trump for instance (please – just take him), or some of our amazingly-gifted local politicians and ACSEF members.

They don’t rely on connections, money or propaganda; we love them for everything they’ve done to us – sorry, ‘for us’. We can rely on our governments to tell us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sure we can.

Just look at the fantastic Phase 2 consultation for the tree planting.

No one objected to the scheme! Result! Of course no one knew at the time there would be a deer cull and most of the trees (89,000 plus) would be plunked on Tullos Hill (as the info had been deliberately withheld), but there you go. And surely no one in power would use ridicule to discredit or suppress vocal opponents?

we are constantly being bombarded with subtle propaganda tactics, which can be quite effective

It’s not as if the work of weapons expert Hans Blix was in any way devalued when he said that Iraq did not have secret stashes of ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’ (this expression, ‘WMD; is itself an example of creating a propaganda phrase which caught on).

Dr. Kelly (RIP), the government advisor, was labelled a ‘Walter Mitty type’ by government mandarins for his courageous stand against the propaganda that led to the Iraq Invasion. Dr Kelly paid for his principles with his life. In fact the whole case for this bloody war was based on a dossier that was ‘sexed up’ – i.e. blatantly amended and turned into propaganda. This was done by the top propagandists of our times: Blair and Campbell.

But we are constantly being bombarded with subtle propaganda tactics, which can be quite effective. Believe it or not, this even happens here in Aberdeen! Perhaps our kindly, benevolent government just wants to help us by digesting facts for us, skipping the ones that might upset us, and painting a rosy picture for us to swallow without question. Quite nice of them, really.

One person, however, wants to analyse the secrets of the propagandist and ruin the party.
See: http://history.howstuffworks.com/historians/propaganda1.htm

Time (finally) to get on with some propaganda-based definitions…

Fear: (noun) state of alarm or terror. In propaganda terms, ‘fear’ is deliberately employed to influence people’s thoughts and actions.

Surely no one would ever employ fear as a propaganda weapon against the good people of Aberdeen? Well, there was the little matter of fear-based propaganda over the gardens: build them or no companies will come to Aberdeen to set up shop was the message that pretty A3 colour flyer and the BIG partnership put about.

Of course BiG is really, really subtle when it comes to propaganda, as we’ve seen recently. While you got this message in a Technicolor brochure, your employer may well have been writing to you to say you should vote for the web. The combined message was: ‘Worried about money? Then you better support the web and we’ll all be rich and have jobs.’

Fear was used on us – and it was used by the secretive group Vote for the City Gardens Project which was accountable to no one – but which certainly put out a nice quantity of propaganda. Old Susannah has copies of the lovely A3 colour leaflet, and is considering whether to frame them or recycle as a cat tray liner. I’ll get back to you on my decision.

Here’s a decision which I have made.

According to my sources, some of those who participated in and/or financed and/or were connected to the secretive ‘Vote for the City Gardens Project’ included:

Stewart Milne (no introduction needed)
Mary Martin (of the Douglas Hotel)
Sandy Clark
Mike Wilson
Colin Manson
Tommy Dreelan

I am sure these modest heroes who helped voters choose sides won’t mind my mentioning them now. However, if any of those named above writes to deny any involvement with VFTCGP, then I will be more than happy to remove their name from my list and issue an apology. If any other VFTCGP supporters or financers who wish to step up to receive the grateful public’s thanks, then please do get in touch. But on with our definitions.

Stop Government Propaganda Now: (noun) American legislation supported by GW Bush (really) which sought to make it a criminal offense for government to influence media to push particular stories, skew the truth, or to hide information.

Has anything like that happened in Aberdeen? Would the local media allow itself to be used? Would local media favour its higher-spending advertisers? Hmmm.

But the city government has its own periodicals including ‘Our Green Times’. The supporter of this periodical who was flying its flag on Facebook quite rightly pointed out that the thing costs time and money to create (taxpayer money mind).

Old Susannah was in an interesting Facebook thread with a city employee who is involved in the publication of Aberdeen City’s PR ‘newspaper’, ‘Our Green Times. Consciously or not, the person who made these posts used several more types of tools straight out of the ‘Propaganda For Dummies’ handbook. The first was:

Name-calling: (noun) Propaganda tool which seeks to both deflect attention away from any actual issues, and create a negative stereotype to brand groups of people with. Name-calling can become widely used (the word ‘CHAV’ being a good example), or it can be something subtle.

The Facebook defender of Aberdeen City’s publication, ‘Our Green Times’ somehow came up with a category of people he called ‘campaigners’, and the implication was made that campaigners were failing to see all the good things going on in the city, and focused on the negative.

Gee. ‘Campaigners’ – the word evokes right-on, aggressive militants with placards, if not extremists. Yet when it comes to issues such as Union Terrace Gardens, the Tullos Hill situation, and the swingeing budget cuts, there is no wider cross-section of ‘campaigners’ to be found. I call them ‘people’ myself. But he’s tried to establish that there is a negative group of people, and they are to be lumped together and called ‘campaigners’ for criticising the city.

Card-stacking: (noun)to present only information which makes a positive public impression – and in so doing gives the impression – whether deliberate or otherwise – that there are no negative issues.

This is in many ways the most serious form of propaganda weapon. In the words of the author of the article published in ‘how stuff works’ in the above link:-

“… the bad stuff is left out entirely. …. this type of propaganda technique presents a lopsided and unrealistic viewpoint that is dangerously deceptive.”

Sorry, but the above description fits exactly with what ‘Our Green Times’ does. In its pages there are no deer culls, no high pollution figures for Wellington Road, and no urban sprawl issues.

By now the Facebook discussion thread was growing by leaps and bounds. Another poster asked our man from ‘Our Green Times’ about several environmental issues. The reply that came back? ‘FFS’. (Old Susannah is told this is a rather rude expression, but I certainly have no idea what it means and no intention of defining it).

Yet another poster showed up to defend ‘Our Green Times;’ she ridiculed the guy who’d asked the questions.

Ridicule: (noun) to belittle by poking fun at something or someone; in propaganda terms, this is an old standby favourite. If you can get your opponent laughed at, then you are on your way.

Old Susannah will put her hand up: I have actually believed one or two people in power in our fair city deserving of a bit of ridicule; some readers may have seen small traces of this in previous columns. Historically, the English literally belittled Napoleon – he was jokingly called a small man. Truth was, he was taller than Nelson.

Old Susannah could go on about other propaganda tools such as ‘transfer’ and ‘Greenwash’ (to pretend to be greener than you are to win acceptance ), but you get the idea.

We were blitzed with propaganda over the City Garden Project, and in the run up to the May elections, we will be bombarded with yet more. I’d just like to suggest strongly to everyone to take on board that these techniques exist, and to be alert for when they are used on you.

By all means apply the same criteria to everything you read in The Aberdeen Voice too.

The Voice will take articles and writing from anyone on any subject, so long as it meets legal requirements for publication. The Voice has no agenda of its own; it has printed items on both sides of issues such as the Menie Golf Course and the AWPR. It has no advertisers to keep happy, only readers to hopefully inform, entertain, and amuse.

Finding Merlin: A Fresh Take On A Familiar Story

Articles, Community, Featured, History, Information, Opinion No Responses »

Mar 292012

Aberdeen Voice received an advance copy of Adam Ardrey’s book, ‘Finding Merlin The Truth Behind The Legend’. Suzanne Kelly read the work and found not a sword-in-the-stone work of sorcery, but a well-constructed case for Merlin’s being a historical figure – from Strathclyde. Suzanne explains.

‘Merlin’ is a very compelling work which attempts to unravel the famed tale of Merlin and Arthur.

Virtually every corner of the UK lays claim to being the true home of the actual historical figures which were morphed by time and embellishing writers into the heroic figure of Arthur and the magical figure of Merlin.

The emergent Catholic church played a significant role in what was and what was not recorded of the Sixth Century world of Merlin. If you are looking for a tale of Camelot or a mystical account of the age and its people, you will be disappointed.

If on the other hand you have some curiosity as to what forces shaped the era, who were the key players and what motivated them, and if you are receptive to new theories as to whom Merlin may have been, then you’ve found a great resource in this book.

The author has a legal background, and has the ability to conduct research on a wide range of subjects. Ardrey offers impressive, thought-provoking, logical theories and clearly explains the rationale behind his well-constructed conclusions.

He notes that spellings varied greatly and were largely phonetic; he examines literature and fiction from several centuries, and offers insights into what truths may be hidden behind allegory and myth. He takes fantastic tales of fantasy, strips away the clearly impossible elements and seeks grains of truth using wholly reasonable deductive logic. There are coincidences in his family name, Ardrey, and some of the areas he comes to research which make the work all the more personal and intriguing.

If as the author suspects Merlin and his sister Langoureth were born in Strathclyde, then he has also found many jigsaw puzzle pieces to support the claim. Explanations of the term ‘Pendragon’ are offered, suggesting that this was a title and not an individual’s name. The influence of St Mungo and his evangelical, ambitious promotion of the young Christian church come into direct conflict with the older way of life championed by Merlin. All this religious conflict was set in the age of constant warfare between the British people and the Angles.

If the author is correct then Merlin had a formidable sister in Langoureth, queen of Rhydderch; she was well-educated and powerful, and likely used great diplomacy to balance Mungo and the new church with Merlin and the old ways.

It would be unfortunate if the author is correct and a burial site which may have been Merlin’s was opened nearly 200 years ago and its contents are now lost. But I found myself buying into many of Ardrey’s theories, and unfortunately I think he may be correct on this point as well.

For me ‘Merlin’ was an absorbing, thought-provoking read; one I can happily recommend.

More Info – Finding Merlin The Truth Behind The Legend

Buy ‘Merlin’ at Amazon – www.amazon.co.uk/Finding-Merlin

Image credit: http://finding-merlin.com/

Upcoming Events At Peacock

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Events, Featured, Gigs and Concerts, Information No Responses »

Feb 032012

With thanks to Kylie Roux.

YOUR LEANING NECK – SONG AS PORTRAIT – Steven Anderson

Based on an event from November last year at The Scottish National Portrait Gallery, Your Leaning Neck is a performance project that aims to challenge institutional representations of national identity by giving voice to non-institutional values.

A silent video installation showcasing last November’s event from two perspectives will be shown in the Peacock gallery.

Saturday 18 February – Saturday 10 March

– Live Performance

Starting off at Peacock’s gallery then moving onto the Episcopal Cathedral Church of St Andrew, visitors will be treated to a live re-contextualisation of the performance event created as a site-specific response to the Scottish National Portrait Gallery’s collection of portraits from the Scottish Enlightenment. Within the performance, oral tradition singers are presented alongside contemporary artists who also use their unaccompanied voice as a means of expression.

Friday 24 February | 7 – 9pm | Peacock Visual Arts | FREE

GIG IN THE GALLERY – Martin John Henry

Recently praised by Sound-Scotland, as “one of Scotland’s finest songwriters”, Gargleblast Records and Peacock Visual Arts present Martin John Henry.

The Lanarkshire born singer songwriter is best known for fronting Scottish Rock Band De Rosa – critically lauded and championed by John Peel and Steve Lamaq – as well as writing, recording and playing with many of Scotland’s finest musicians including Barry Burns (Mogwai), Robert Johnston (Life Without Buildings), King Creosote and Malcolm Middleton.

Saturday 4 February | 8pm | £8 on the door

RESIDENCY/PERFORMANCE – ONE MAN UNIT – Paul Wiersbinski and Wieland Schönfelder

ONE MAN UNIT is a hybrid of man and sculpture. Through a variety of outputs, audiences are invited to interact with and experience the spontaneous and unexpected developments of this creative beast, as it evolves during the artists’ two-week residency at Peacock.
You can follow the construction of this half man half machine via their daily blog on Peacock’s Facebook page. The ONE MAN UNIT will then be let loose on the public on two occasions:

Saturday 28 January – Friday 10 February

– Note: Aberdeen Voice updates Peacock info periodically, but there may be recently added events not included in this post. Please contact Peacock direct for the latest information.

Peacock Visual Arts
21 Castle Street
Aberdeen
AB11 5BQ
Tel: 01224 639539
Mob: 07947 490626
e: kylie@peacockvisualarts.co.uk
Website: www.peacockvisualarts.com
Online Print Store: www.peacockvisualarts.culturelabel.com

Build It And They Might Come – Tourism And The Fate Of UTG

Aberdeen City, Articles, Environment, Featured, Information, News, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 062012

Over three years ago, Sir Ian Wood announced the City Square Project with the intention of replacing Union Terrace Gardens with “a cross between the Grand Italian Piazza and a mini Central Park.” It has since been renamed the City Garden Project. The cost of building the project is nominally £140 million, of which it has been proposed that £70M of this would be borrowed by Aberdeen City Council involving a tax scheme. Mike Shepherd offers some analysis of current local government trends, the recession, and what it may mean for Aberdeen.

So what is the justification being put forward for this expensive project, a project that has caused so much controversy since it was announced?

The project’s supporters allege the City Garden Project is needed to ensure that Aberdeen is attractive enough to retain energy professionals long term and to ensure Aberdeen’s economy is based on tourism post-oil.

For instance, an advert by ACSEF in the Press and Journal (January 2010) stated that:-

“Creating a new heart for Aberdeen presents a unique opportunity to put the city on the ‘must visit’ list.”

Aberdeen City Council is £562 million in debt (2010 figure).
See: http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2011/02/21143624/4

Last November, Perth and Kinross Council approved demolishing the listed Perth Town Hall to build a Civic Square in its place, a move that has raised much controversy. The BBC reported:

“The council said many local businesses supported the civic square proposal. And council officers have argued that full demolition and reuse of the site as a public space would provide the most additional value to the local economy. The cost of scheme is estimated at £4.4m, but the report said an additional 15,000 people per year would extend their stay in the city, with an extra 60,000 coming for events. “This would result in a combined additional spend per person per visit of £23 generating a total gross expenditure of £1.65m per annum,” it added.
See:http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-15742937

Perth and Kinross Council is £222 Million in debt (2010 figure).

A similar controversy has been raging in Cork, Ireland, where the struggling Cork Council has been involved in a plan to install the Sky Garden Project. Celebrity TV gardener Diarmuid Gavin’s Irish Sky Garden won the gold medal at the Chelsea Flower Show (It looks like a giant hanging flower basket).

There is a pattern here. Local governments the world over are in serious debt

The Council agreed to put the garden on permanent display in the city’s Fitzgerald Park at a cost of at least €300,000, with more than €1.7 million given to the project by Fáilte Ireland, the Irish tourism body.

In tones, redolent of the Aberdeen controversy, the Irish Independent wrote:

“THE taxpayer could be hit with a further bill of over €100,000 in costs connected to Diarmuid Gavin’s award-winning garden.

“Workers’ Party councillor Ted Tynan said the council needed to clarify precisely how much the garden cost, and what the council would pay in transport, insurance and operating costs. He also expressed disbelief that the garden — including its 30-metre high floating ‘pod’ and crane — may only open for three months each year.

“I love gardens and flowers and parks, but this is absolutely ridiculous. You’d put a hell of a lot of flower beds around the city for this kind of money. We should keep our feet on the ground not in the clouds with a sky garden’,” Mr Tynan said

“There are 500 boarded-up council houses in Cork and 120 people with various disabilities waiting on home adaptations. But the funding to go to all this has been cut by central government,” he added.

“Last night, the council said support for the “iconic garden” was in line with the policy that led to the creation of successful visitor attractions in the city.”

“This is part of a long-term policy to create a necklace of top tourist attractions that will bring people to Cork, get them to stay longer here and spend more money here,” a council spokesman said.

“Fáilte Ireland insisted that the garden would generate significant tourism earnings.”

See: http://www.independent.ie/national-news/diarmuid-gavinrsquos-euro2m-lsquosky-gardenrsquo-growing-in-cost-2661548.html

There is a pattern here. Local governments the world over are in serious debt. Services and amenities are being cut, yet it doesn’t stop them from spending money on expensive big-ticket items that might bring visitors in. There is a feedback loop between local government, chambers of commerce and national government that serves to create the syndrome, “if we build it, they will come”.

While a worthy cause, this has caused controversy as the annual budget will be part-funded by the city’s Common Good Fund

Where local economies have failed as in Cork for example, tourism may be the last throw of the dice to engender outside income. There will be much competition for the dwindling number of international tourists as the recession bites. Recent reports suggest that countries such as Greece and Spain will focus relentlessly on promoting tourism as the last glimmer of light in their busted economies.

Aberdeen has caught up on the trend of pushing long-term tourism. The local chamber of commerce have been promoting a new destination marketing organisation for the city called ‘Visit Aberdeen’.

While a worthy cause, this has caused controversy as the annual budget will be part-funded by the city’s Common Good Fund; £107,000 for 2011 / 2012 and potentially for the next six years also. Arguably this is more ‘commerce good’ than ‘common good’.

The draft business plan recognises the future of the City Garden Project / Union Terrace Gardens as a primary issue. It is to be hoped that an organisation part-funded by Common Good money will not be promoting the controversial development of a public park that lies on Common Good land.
See: http://committees.aberdeencity.gov.uk/mgConvert2PDF.aspx?ID=15678

Are the citizens of Aberdeen willing to support the allocation of scarce resources to “a build it and they might come” vision for the city, allowing a public park to be developed for the sake of possible future tourists? Or is this all pie in the sky stuff that will use up money desperately needed elsewhere and will result in the appearance of the Granite City changing forever?

You have the chance to decide yourself. The referendum on the fate of Union Terrace Gardens will be held in February.

Union Treeless Gardens

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Featured, Information, Opinion No Responses »

Dec 292011

By Mike Shepherd.

The jury for the City Garden Project will announce the final scheme for the proposed development of Union Terrace Gardens sometime in January. The choice will be between two designs, one with a web-based motif and the other with a big glass building in the middle which looks like a giant worm.

It is clear from both designs that most of the existing trees will be removed to build the new ‘garden’, whichever is built.

New trees could of course be planted, but it would be decades before these grew to a comparable size, and this may not even be possible in those areas with a shallow concrete substrate. There will be claims that some of the smaller trees could be replanted, although the practicalities of this are obvious.

The big trees are particularly important as they absorb carbon and filter more pollution from the air compared to smaller trees. One study concluded that for this purpose:

“Big trees, the ones the Victorians planted for us, are what we need to maintain, but they are few and far between.”
See: http://www.theecologist.org

This week saw the shocking news that people living in Scottish cities are being exposed to dangerously high levels of pollutants. A WWF Scotland report identified three pollution hotspots in Aberdeen; Union Street, Market Street, and Wellington Road. These show levels that are in breach of EU targets intended to protect human health. The main problem is the high levels of nitrogen dioxide caused by traffic fumes.
See: http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk

Aberdeen has a highly-polluted city centre. The solution to the problem would be to reduce the level of traffic in the city centre; pedestrianising Union Street has been suggested as an option.

It is also clear that we need to maintain the tree population of the city centre to help absorb the pollution. The key areas are Bon Accord Gardens, St. Nicholas churchyard and Union Terrace Gardens itself. Otherwise, Aberdeen city centre can hardly be described as awash with trees.

Yet, the proposed City Garden Project will remove a population of mature trees from the city centre. The problem is acknowledged in the Technical Feasibility Study for the project.

“Removal of mature trees and existing ecological habitat; 78 mature trees would be lost including 17 number mature Elm trees. The ecological value of these trees would take decades to replace as many of the trees are up to 200 years old.”

The City Garden Project will itself be a major source of pollution while it is being built (for the duration of almost two and a half years according to the same study).

“Excavation of rock/earth; It is anticipated that 30,000m3 of earth and 35,000m3 of granite will need to be removed from site. This which will cause large environmental impacts from noise, dust, transport and energy use. The removal of this volume of material is equivalent to approximately 3,947 dump trucks of earth and 4,605 dump trucks or more of granite to be removed from site or re-used where possible on site. This would have large environmental and social impacts on the local area and community surrounding the gardens.”
See: http://www.acsef.co.uk

It is clear from this, that the ecological downside of building the City Garden Project is substantial. The construction phase will see a protracted period of dirt and pollution in the city centre. By contrast, it is no exaggeration to describe Union Terrace Gardens as the green, living heart of the Granite City; its big trees acting as a natural washing machine, helping to keep us healthy by removing noxious pollution.

Those living in Aberdeen City will receive a postal ballot in mid February allowing them to decide between retaining Union Terrace Gardens or sanctioning the construction of the City Garden Project.

I will vote to retain Union Terrace Gardens.

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