Jun 132014
 

By Bob Smith.obesity-tax-for-kids cut

A loon is noo wy’in in
15 steen is his wecht
At the age o eleeven
Wi obesity is haen a fecht
.
Some fowk they are ca’en fer
Ma an Da ti be teen in han
Chairged wi child neglect
An as parents shud be banned
.
Noo ere’s na doot ava
His wecht is ower the tap
Bit is it the loon’s fowks
Fa shud be takkin the rap?
.
Did they neglect ti tell him
Faist food cwid be ti blame?
Or did they pile his plate
Fan the loon he aet at hame?
.
Bit chairgin ‘em wi neglect
Aat’s takkin things ower far
Jist supply him wi a bicycle
Ban him fae usin bus an car
Noo a hiv ma ain theory
Aboot foo the loon’s aat size
Maybe ower muckle burgers
Tapp’t aff wi some French fries
.
It cwid o coorse aa bi doon
Ti a faulty faimily gene
Far the loon he his a likin
Fer jam tarts an clottit cream
.
A hope fer the laddie’s sake
He manages ti lose wecht
An his parents dinna hiv ti
Tak on lawyers in a fecht
.
The nanny state is on the mairch
Fit next wull they rail agin?
Maybe fat fowk ha’en sex
Cos they’re causin an affa din?
.
We cwid maybe aa bi dee’in
Wi losin poonds roon the middle
If mannies canna see their willie
Fin they gyaang ti hae a piddle

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Photo: Christian Cable/Creative Commons
Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Jun 132014
 

By Francis Bay – For seventy-five years Francis Bay’s insightful, anecdotal and uplifting words have warmed the hearts and enriched the lives of generations of devoted readers. The perfect accompaniment as we journey together through the year ahead, he offers both words of comfort and insightful words of wisdom to share faith, hope and love.

bowler 8It was only by chance that I came across Ian. His dear wife had left him with two dogs and taken the children away to another place.

By all accounts he could be heard attending to his needs most early mornings through the party wall. Not that I listened of course.

I met the dogs a few times as they jumped at the gate.

Cute cuddly puppies they were not.

Adult mature licking friendly dogs they were. When let out they would stand on hind legs, paws through fence, tongue licking to find a little affection at the least offer of a pet. Nice dogs as dogs go. Easy to get on with and smart with it.

I never knew their names and they are gone now. In their place is an empty house with a wooden board nailed roughly over the back door to hide the broken glass where someone broke out.

If you peer unannounced through the kitchen window there is dust and rubbish on the floor, mice droppings even. At the back door there is a pile of rusting pet food cans. The shed door lies open and black bags full of old rubbish sit waiting for a collection which may not happen.

If you peer announced the view is just the same.

A broken and rusting silver car sits at the front door. Its tyres flat and bumper resting on the ground suggesting speed bump revenge following a boisterous drive home. Weeds surround it and the unkempt hedge tries to hide the wreckage. It does not work.

A neighbour cut the hedge last year and again this year placing the cuttings in the bin for re-cycling back to the earth. They are still in place and quite uncollected. The council, sadly, require roadside assistance and all wheelie bins must be placed alongside the kerb on the appointed day.

The rules are laid out as plain as parking regulations and the elected councillors have never considered Ian’s needs and never will, unless pressed and even then perhaps not.

The ivy which grew up the back of Ian’s house is dead now. Next door secretly cut it down. At one point it reached into the gutters and roof tiles. Full of insects and nests it posed problems. Now that it is dead and dried up it is a fire hazard.

One January day the police were called. A screaming cat was trapped half way up in the ivy. Too far to jump, it howled for rescue. The police called the feline rescue folk who left some food out but could not tempt it down. Next morning it was gone.

When I met Ian for the first time he seemed a nice lad. When I met him again he seemed just as nice. I met his mum as well. She seemed nice. I asked her to see if Ian was all right. I should have asked her if she was all right perhaps. She said she couldn’t promise to do anything but would try, she hasn’t done much.

Francis, the neighbour down the road has all but given up on Ian’s hedge. Green and tall as it is, it has almost blotted out her daylight. She of course cuts her side but complains about his lack of neighbourliness and who can really blame her.

Ian is not there any more after all and neither are his dogs. Who is there to complain to apart from his dear old mum.

I trust and hope that Ian is all right. We all need neighbours after all.

© Francis Bay 2014. Most rights reserved.

Jun 062014
 

woman-214786 tallBy Bob Smith.

In the independence referendum
Maist weemin micht vote no
They think SNP directives
Are nae the wye ti go

A poll it wis cairry’t oot
Independence 64% dinna like
Is es a wye o sayin
SNP jist tak a hike

Es o coorse begs the question
Fit wye micht they vote no?
Div some see Alex Salmond
As a smarmy so an so?

Maist weemin it wid seem
Are listenin ti their heid
An refuse ti lit their hairt
Cause their soul ti bleed

Es maan  be a problem
For Alex an his cohorts
Are thochts o independence
Noo a wee bit oot o sorts?

A fyow months later on
Votes wull be aa revealin
Bit dis es latest poll
Sen independence chunces reelin?

Fitivver its oor luck ti be
In the UK or maybe nae
The vote o Scotland’s weemin fowk
Micht haud a wee bit sway

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Image: http://pixabay.com/en/woman-girl-female
Thumbnail: http://pixabay.com/en/girl-woman

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

May 302014
 

By Bob Smith.Lerwick torpedo tubes by Fred Wilkinson

We wanner’t doon ti the beach
‘Twis jist the ither day
Waves they cam rollin in
An gulls war aat their play
.
Waves they are aa different
Some saftly lap the shore
Ither eens cum rushin in
Wi a crash an affa roar
.
Lis’nin ti the waves some say
Is a pastime aat is fine
Waves slowly creepin ower the sand
Can calm a troubl’t myn
.
Canute fair grew tired o flattery
Fowk said the sea he cwid command
The king set oot ti prove ‘em wrang
An pit his throne amang the sand
.
Gyaang back the mannie roared
Bit the  sea kept rollin in
Canute he proved ye canna rule
The sea or waves therein
Wis aat a pirate ship a spied?
A fyow leagues fae the beach
Wis’t Jack Sparra at the helm
Or yon Blackbeard Edward Teach?
.
Pirates o The Caribbean
His a swashbucklin touch
The Pirates o Nigg Bay
Na – maybe nae sae much
.
A hidna bin at the bottle
Or puffin on “the weed”
Wis the skull an crossbones
On it’s wye ti Peterheid?
.
Crashin waves they brocht me back
An ti reality a took a tig
‘Twis ony a ile supply boatie
On it’s wye oot ti a rig
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
  • Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.
May 162014
 

Barney Crocket addresses rally Image credit John AberdeinBy Bob Smith.

Puir Barney he’s bin crockett
Fair stabbit in the back
Jist like yon Julius Caesar
Bi fowk fae his ain pack

“Et tu Willie” did Barney gasp?
Yer a worthless cheatin w-nk-r
Nae ony better than
A City o London banker

Seems they plottit his doonfa
Fin the chiel wis in The States
Jist shows fit fowk can dee
E’en tho ye thocht ‘em mates

A new leader o the Cooncil
Her name ‘tis Jenny Laing
Foo lang wull es quine laist
Afore back stabbin stairts again

Bit fa supplied the dagger
Aat in Barney’s back wis stuck?
It cwid hae bin ony Labourite
Fa wi Barney hid nae truck

If ony lessons can be learn’t
So future leaders can safe be
Is nae ti ging on a swanny
In yon “Land O The Free”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

May 162014
 

By Bob Smith.
windmill3apic

The Donald’s bocht a golf resort
Doon on the Ayrshire coast
A’ll get ti host The Open
Wull noo be his prood boast
.
Thirty Five million he did spen
He got Turnberry fer a snip
Es o coorse micht mean
Interest in Menie taks a dip
.
Jist cast yer myn back
Fin winfairms he did detest
The mannie made a vow
In Scotland he’d nae mair invest
.
Fit ti mak o ess U-turn
As he cums crawlin back
Bein economical wi the truth
The chiel still his the knack
.
Hud on a wee meenitie tho’
It micht nae be plain sailin
The spectre o affshore winfairms
Cwid yet hae Trumpie wailin
.
Marine Scotland it his reported
Aboot a site jist oot at sea
Far ye cwid plunk win turbines
They’d be richt in Donald’s ee
Fergus Ewing says ess plans
Fer noo are aff the radar
Yet fair refused ti rule oot
Returnin ti them later
.
If a winfairm cam ti pass
Wid The Donald then renege?
Or wid he maybe in a rage
Blaw up yon Ailsa Craig
.
At Doonbeg he’d ti stop some wark
Did he nae hae richt permission?
He can tho’ noo  gyaang aheid
Maybe efter a new submission?
.
Micht Donald hae fresh concerns
A snail in Ireland is protectit
Bi speecial environmental laws
An ess canna be correctit
.
Trump says he’s gyaan ti wark
Wi environmentalists an sic fowk
If he’d deen aat ower in Menie
He micht nae bin classed a gowk
.
Noo ere’s nae doot the mannie
Oot the news he winna bide
Wull we next aa be hearin
The bugger’s bocht the River Clyde

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Image Credit: © Mark Rasmussen | Dreamstime.com …. 3 windmills
Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

May 012014
 

By Bob Smith.
Cove boats

A weel aff mannie ca’ed Kohle
Stairtit a row maist unholy
Jist move aa yer boats
An pit ‘em on floats
An tak ‘em awa ti a storie
.
Ess chiel his decreed
His letters fowk heed
Dinna dee fit he wints
Wull the bugger charge rints?
As access ti shore he dis need
.
Fisher fowk fae Cove Bay
View aa ess wi dismay
They’ll kick up a stoor
Agin ess bliddy boor
His gemme they’re nae gyaan ti play
.
Auld Jock Ritchie fae Cove
Micht hae said noo by jove
“Wi canna hae ess,
Yer jist takkin the piss
An ma boatie a’m nae gyaan ti move”
Is Mr Kohle in transition
O destroyin a tradition
Fishers aye used the shore
Their gear fer ti store
Are they tae bow in submission
.
Ma wife is Cove bred
An ess maan be said
Fin she heard o Kohle’s scheme
Oot her lugs cam the steam
Sayin Cove culture’s noo dead
.
Cove fowk are fair wishin
We aa sign their petition
Ti show Prahlad Kohle
His ideas they are folly
An tae keep the fishin tradition
.
Use yer moose or yer pen
An a’m sure ye aa ken
The fisher fowk o Cove Bay
They shud hae their day
Ess message ti Kohle we sen

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Image Credit: Boats on the shore at Cove Bay by Ewen Adam.
Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.

Apr 252014
 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA By Bob Smith.

Trust in oor politishuns
Is noo a bittie low
Self servin leein buggers
Is fit some polls div show

Even in auld Scotia
Ess thocht is jist as bad
Some fowk o aa ages
Think Salmond a “Jack-the-lad”

Noo Eck’s a superb orator
As politishun nae sae gweed
Coortin yon Rupert Murdoch
So’s SNP’s thochts he wull us feed

It’s nae fer the first time
“Wee Eck”  his bin accused
O haen some secret meetins
An his poseeshun he’s abused

Some say he uses bluster
In Parlimint at Holyrood
Instead o answerin a question
Aboot the asker he’s fair rude

A freen o myn the ither day
His opeenion he did gie
Aboot politishuns in oor kwintra
He wisna complimentary

“Wee Eck” he thocht average
Nicola Sturgeon wis nae eese
Johann Lamont she wis useless
Aboot Ruth Davidson jist said Jeez

A’m nae a political animal
Een’s as bad’s the ither
Bi they fer independence
Or fer  “Better Tigither”

Fin it cams ti September
Wull it bi hairt or heid?
Wull it cum doon ti believin
Fitivver shite they us feed?

So fit wye wull I vote
Wull it bi aye or no?
A dinna believe ony bugger
A’ll jist bide wi the status quo

 ©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”2014
Image: The Houses of Parliament, seen across Westminster Bridge.
Released into the public domain by Adrian Pingstone.

Comments enabled – see comments box below. Note, all comments will be moderated.