Suzanne Kelly Archives - Page 12 of 12

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.10 – Halloween Special

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Oct 292010

Voice’s Old Susannah presents a Halloween Special Dictionary supplement and gets to grips with a few tricky, spine chilling terms.

There is no denying the creepy, sinister atmosphere at this time of year in Northeast Scotland– there are mindless zombies roaming free, creating new budgets designed to kill off any remaining spirit in Town and Shire. They are slashing budgets and services, and seem unstoppable. Be afraid – be very afraid.

Frankenstein Monster

Imagine a horrible creature artificially created from parts of City and Shire Councils as well as a few businessmen, artificially stitched together with failed civil servants and the like. Such a monster is ASCEF.

ASCEF was so created and brought to life with injections of taxpayer cash . Now it runs wild throughout the land, unchecked by government or citizen, threatening to destroy the city, or at least cover all living things in concrete.

It is answerable to no one, even the egotistical madmen who created it. The monster will inevitably be destroyed by the angry peasants who see it for the horror it is.

Witch

“Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” the good witch of the north asked Dorothy. No need to ask what kind of witches we are dealing with in Aberdeen City. A bad witch can be identified by her crone-like appearance and the smell of brew (or special brew) surrounding her.

Bad witches go out of their way to harm their neighbours any way they can, such as allowing lands and burns to be foully polluted, zapping services, magically turning budget surpluses into massive deficits, and closing schools.

They fly about on chauffeur-driven, taxpayer-funded broomsticks all over the world for unholy meetings called Sabbaths or conferences. When confronted, the witch will deny wrongdoing, and insist they will keep doing the job they were elected to do. Witches are often found giving orders to their Familiars.

Familiars

A witch’s Familiar is an animal – such as a lapdog, lizard, reptile, toad, snake or rat — which the witch speaks to as it if were actually able to think itself.

These Familiars are often given names like Lucifer, Beelzebub or Kevin, and are the lackeys which carry out the witch’s evil deeds unquestioningly. These servants of evil are often grotesque in appearance as well as deed, as are the witches they serve.

The Devil

In legends across the world, the Devil or a mysterious stranger appears out of nowhere, making extravagant promises. The Devil might, for instance, promise economic prosperity and millions of pounds – an offer that sounds too good to be true.

The unsuspecting might for instance take the fortune on offer, and in exchange think they are getting a wonderful future – unaware of the strings attached to such a deal. What they are likely to get is a bill for millions more than they received in the first place, and usually a terrible price is extracted – like the permanent loss of beautiful lands. Only a fool would sell their soul (or garden) to the devil.

Trick or Treat

In the old days, children would visit their neighbours at Halloween and cry ‘trick or treat!’ hoping for a sweetie or an apple. They would be lucky to get anything as generous as that from their neighbours in St Nicholas House, who seem to have a wide range of tricks in store.

Magical Disappearances

Fox batterer Derek Forbes had been the subject of media attention recently when he was quoted as admitting hitting a tame fox with his golf club. However, when Forbes appeared in Court this week – Presto! He said he never hit the fox.

Was it an invisible club that injured the fox? Was it the work of a ghostly apparition? Who knows – but Forbes now says it wasn’t him. I guess he was too traumatised when the press first said he did club the fox to ask for the story to be corrected at the time.

The admission of guilt may have disappeared – but the story will not do so. Let’s wish Mr Forbes all the luck he deserves in his next court appearance.

Next week – Budget special.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No. 9

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Oct 222010

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Old Susannah has been having a great time at the newly-opened Brewdog pub, across from Marischal College. Great selection of beers from this creative Aberdeenshire brewery and from other parts of the globe, as well as great food await you. They also happened to have my favourite ever cheese last time I was there.

I got to try a small glass of the Sink The Bismarck extra extra strong beer – which had been vilified in the press on the basis that people would be downing bottles of it just because it was so strong.

Some people wanted it banned and said it was nearly as bad for the world as Buckfast.

I tried it, I liked it, and I can say that no sensible person is any more likely to down massive quantities of it than they would be to drink 10 bottles of a strong liqueur: it is for gentle sipping only in small doses. Only drawback to this pub whatsoever is its location – expect a few unsavoury characters going in once the City Council mandarins move into Marischal College.

Profit-sharing
What did Aberdeen City Council expect six years ago when it sold Stewart Milne Group 11 acres of land in Westhills for £365,000 (wouldn’t you like a deal like that?)? They had expected to get a share of future profits if Milne sold or leased the land. They call this Profit-Sharing. Selling the land at market value to the highest bidder might have seemed like a good idea as would renting it, but the experts knew better; I am surprised those responsible aren’t coming forward to claim the praise they deserve. Someone in the Council cooked up this great deal, and we parted with land worth considerably more than the selling price, as the Court found this week, and awaited a share of future sale profits.

If you are still with me, Stewart Milne Group then sold the land – to another Milne company.

The City Council asked for its profit share, but alas, despite the great acumen of Milne, the land was sold at a lowish value and the sale from one branch of the Milne empire to another cost about £500K to arrange. Poor them! Therefore there were no profits to share at all, and fair enough. Perhaps the Council should have given Milne money to cover his losses on the deal.

You would think The Council would show a bit more understanding of the Milne shareholders’ needs, but they have actually taken the issue to Court to try and get a measly £1.7 million. You’d almost think we need the money the way ACC are pursuing this humble public servant, who thinks nothing of selflessly giving his time to sit on the board of ASCEF with no thought of personal gain or reward. It is a wonder Mr Milne can continue to do his best for Aberdeen’s citizens by trying to fill in their garden and build a shiny new stadium on greenbelt when he’s being so cruelly pursued. But the Council went ahead (spending taxpayers money all the while) to get the courts to agree Milne owes ACC the money.

After the judgment, the City Council had no comment. Doubtless they are busy preparing a statement saying why this was a good deal, how the price was determined, what other people were allowed to bid for the land, and what other land we’ve sold SMG. I can’t wait to read it.

Milne spokespeople however did comment to say not that they are sorry and will immediately give us £1.7 million pounds, but that they will be looking at their options. If however the Council has to make a further appeal, then taxpayers money will probably be used. How much money it will cost to get £1.7 million when we could have sold the land for more money isn’t important. This might be a good time to remind readers that ASCEF is meant to;

“… ensure a collaborative approach to growing the economy and enhancing quality of life”.

Cynics (if any out there) might wonder whether this is appropriate action for a member of ASCEF to be taking. But do console yourselves – there is now a new office complex on the Westhill land where sources tell me the architecture is beautiful, the HVAC works perfectly, and there are absolutely no leaks in the building’s fabric. We can only hope that more land will be made available for construction soon, and that ACC will leave this generous-spirited public servant alone.

Rebranding

If your product is losing popularity or if people are not on your side, then it’s time for some rebranding. Get yourself a consultant, spend some money, and you will be back on track before you know it. And that is what ASCEF have done with our tax money: It gives me great pleasure to announce that per the ASCEF website, “The project to elevate Union Terrace Gardens has been renamed the City Garden Project. Now that they put it that way, it seems like a much better idea. Not that we will ever know how much this exercise cost, but clearly you will agree it was worth every penny.

Last word (I hope) on animal cruelty
The beautiful Arabian mare featured in the news last week, with a massive chunk bitten out of its muzzle, has had to be destroyed following the attack by an out-of-control dog. Some person or persons have hung five kittens in Westhill outside of shops. Then we have the seagull shooter and the fox clubber. What is going on here?

I never intended this little column to become an animal cruelty feature, but the current crop of horror stories in Aberdeenshire can’t go without comment.

First, if you must own a dog which has been bred to be a powerful, unstoppable fighter, then definitely keep it on a leash and use a muzzle if you need to. The UK is filled with stories – eg the little girl in Dundee knocked off of her bicycle and mauled by two dogs – and the owners always say the same thing:

‘”It was always a nice dog, never any trouble, until it suddenly snapped for no reason”.

They usually are saying this to a child that’s been scarred for life (or to a coffin).

There is a message in these stories – but there are some dog owners out there who aren’t getting it. It was a beautiful, gentle horse that suffered horribly this time. I can’t imagine how the owner feels – but they were lucky they themselves weren’t seriously hurt. If things keep up, it won’t be long before it’s a child.

Secondly as to the small element of people who want to train their dogs to fight and to attack other animals, or people who deliberately inflict cruelty on helpless, innocent animals – someone please make that anonymous call to stop them. If you can stop a tragedy in the future, then you won’t be able to live with yourself if you do nothing now.

Finally, whoever killed the kittens needs to be identified. It is not a question of ‘if’ but ‘when’ their actions are going to escalate. Clearly they have been abused themselves, and if they’re not stopped more will suffer. Know something? Suspect something? Tell someone.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No. 8

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Oct 152010

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Firstly, two men here in Aberdeen held down a pet cat so their pitbull could savage it. Let’s find them quickly. Well done to the Council official who wrote to me a while back to say we didn’t have any problems with banned breeds, dog fighting, or dog owners who are encouraging problems. That’s all I say on the matter without becoming less polite except keep an eye on your pets and keep them in at night.

Cheerier note – Old Susannah saw a man with a young child stop in the streets today, pick up someone else’s litter, and put it into a bin. Can we have more like him please?

Dream Job

There are certain industries where there are so many perks and benefits, people are willing to take low paid jobs just to get their foot in the door and be part of the excitement. In the film and television world, people willingly take lower salaries than in other business sectors – in exchange for this they get to go to film premiers, mingle with stars on occasion, and get access to movies. People go into the music business to get free CDs, go to concerts, etc. and therefore happily accept less pay than they might get elsewhere. And so it is with Council staff – they get the honour of walking the corridors of power and even sometimes getting a glimpse of Kate or Stewart – if they’re lucky. Sometimes meetings (of which there is no shortage) have biscuits as well as tea and coffee. You would think in those situations people wouldn’t ask for more money. However, the local Unions have wild ideas.

First, there is some silly notion that men and women doing the same work should be paid the same amount of money. Then some people actually want to be paid overtime for evenings and weekends. Finally, the unions are asking for a pay rise higher than 1.5%! Do these people really think that’s fair? After all, for most of them, that would probably mean an extra candy bar a month.

If the experts nationally are correct, then inflation is running somewhere around 3%, so a 1.5% raise is perfectly fair for these privileged personnel. Of course there is the odd suggestion now and then that the atmosphere in some of the Council departments is less than friendly, but that no doubt is sour grapes. I hope the Unions will realise just how lucky they are to be connected with our fantastic Council – perhaps they should all take a voluntary pay cut? After all, the City does have serious expenses – such as finding some £235,000 to pay for 8 ’European and Diversity’ people.

Sustainable Growth

Sustainability is the watchword in public and private sectors these days; it’s almost as if there was some kind of limit on our resources. Luckily past generations had the foresight to put land aside for ‘wildlife’ and ‘recreation’. Examples of these can be found in Union Terrace Gardens, Loirston Loch and Sunnybank Park. Thanks to those who preserved these lands, we are in a good place for some ‘sustainable growth’. In order for Builders to keep growing their businesses, they have to keep building more things, and that means they need places to build on. In order for the Council to keep growing, it needs more taxes from residents and businesses, so it needs to keep making new housing and new shopping malls and the like. It would hardly do to use the existing buildings that are boarded up – that won’t help the builders. Of course, a system based on continuous building can go on forever – well at least as long as there are green spaces to build on.

“On The Map”

Thank goodness: Scotland is going to be “On The Map”!! Old Susannah’s invitation to RGU to see Sir Ian Wood give Donald Trump an honorary degree got lost in the post. However, my spies told me Sir Ian’s immortal words which were along the line of thanking Mr Trump for his golfing development, which is going to put Scotland on the map for golf! Is it possible Scotland will become a destination for golfers? Watch this space!

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No. 7

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Oct 082010

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Two bits of good news this week – it seems a possible New Best Friend has been identified for fox batterer Derek Forbe. Enter Mervyn New, 45, operations director for Marine Subsea UK, reported to prosecutors for shooting baby seagull chicks (too young to fly) from his Aberdeen office window. One was killed, the other suffered in a wounded state until put down. Perhaps like Forbes it was a case self-defence for New.

It would have come as something of a surprise to find seabirds nesting near the Aberdeen coast, and hopefully Mr New won’t find the media attention too distressing. After all, office workers are historically known to surf the web, hang around the water cooler and kill things. No doubt New and Forbes can go ‘clubbing’ together sometime. My other cheery news is that Donald Trump is considering running for presidency of the United States. Break out the champagne (but drink responsibly – see below)

RSPB
We wouldn’t have have our poor, hardworking executives falling foul (or is that ‘fowl’?) of silly wildlife laws if it weren’t for organisations like the SSPCA and the RSPB. The RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds) is an organisation that exists to stop people like Forbes and New having any fun. It seems the RSPB has just issued a report saying that the situation is serious for wild birds in Scotland. Apparently things called ‘loss of habitation’ (like when parks are turned into car parks) and fragmentation of habitation (like when parks are turned into football stadia) are bad for birds and other wildlife. So there you have it – the less green space, the less wildlife. Yes, that sounds like a very farfetched conclusion. But if we keep going the way we are, then the world will be a safer place for Forbes and New. Birds apparently pollinate wild plants and food crops, and feed off of insects, so they won’t be missed much.

Dine in for Two for £10
Loss of green space and loss of wildlife are as nothing compared to some social ills. Sometimes a problem is so dreadful the temptation is to sweep it under the carpet. Therefore we should give thanks to the SNP for its bravery and sense of priorities: Is it going to tackle pollution? Crime? The economic crisis? Decaying schools and hospitals? Better: it is going to stop supermarket offers such as ‘Dine in for Two for £10’ once and for all. Old Susannah understands they have their best people on this full time (doing field research). Their backbench MSP, Dr Ian McKee, is going to cure Scotland of its alcohol problems in one go by stopping these meal deals. Once the deal is gone, we’ll all go teetotal. There are some people who can handle alcohol, and some who cannot. If we stop everyone from having a glass of wine with their shrimp cocktail, chicken casserole and profiteroles, we’ll have a better society.

You see them — couples, pensioners, working people – racing to grocery stores when these specials are on, behaving like wild animals, grabbing main courses, side dishes, desserts – and a bottle of wine (although non-alcoholic drinks are clearly offered as well). Don’t be fooled into thinking these people are going to eat any of the food. It’s the wine they want. After ‘scoring’, they go home and ‘prepare’ – this ritual might involve plates, cutlery and glasses. Delirious on the wine, they then go to the town centre, fight, commit crime, get sick in the streets, and so on. Apparently a kidney charity says that such deals make taking alcohol seem socially acceptable. You could be forgiven for thinking that 8,000 years’ worth of human civilisation had something to do with the concept that having wine was mainstream, but the SNP says otherwise. Encouraging people to have a glass of wine alongside a three course meal is just wrong.

Cheers

Freedom of Information Act
A law came into being some years ago giving the public the freedom to ask for information; this law was cleverly called the Freedom of Information Act. Since then, many government agencies have worked tirelessly to evade complying with it. Some suspicious people have the nerve not to trust their local governments, and write to request information. Unfortunately this creates work for the Information Officers (who were put in place to deal with requests). Kevin Stewart of Aberdeen City Council has said that many of these requests are ‘absurd’. If anyone knows about absurdity, it may well be Mr Stewart. Such crazy requests might include questions on what happening to the Common Good Fund, why old buildings are occasionally sold for less than market value, how much money is spent on outside consultants, why the previous promise to leave Loirston Park alone is being ignored and so on. One question was asked about the Council taking over Marischal College and spending £80 million in the process. What were the alternatives? Who suggested this? Were proper costing’s done and analysed? After a bit more than the maximum time allowed, the Council replied that the financial data used to select Marischal College as the best way forward was Copyrighted by the consultants who did the study – and could not be released. The word absurd springs to mind again.

Copyright
A copyright is a form of protection which can be used to secure a creator’s rights over their creation. The Harry Potter books and films are copyrighted; ‘Led Zepplin IV’ is copyrighted; ‘Gone with the Wind’ is copyrighted. This stops unauthorised people passing the work off as their own, stealing parts of the work, or making unauthorised use of these creations, particularly for profit. Old Susannah cannot find any form of copyright that would stop Aberdeen City Council from showing its figures for Marischal College expenditure and alternatives – unless the Council is planning a book or a film that is. If anyone out there wants to ask the Council for the figures – or an explanation as to how such figures could possibly be copyrighted – please do send the Council a Freedom of Information Request.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner No 2

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Creative Writing No Responses »

Jul 302010

Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah opens her heart and her dictionary to define these tricky terms.

Consultation: to ask members of the public what they want, then to tell them what you had already decided they are going to get. Expensive brochures and infallible experts are used to steer people towards the desired conclusion during the consultation process. If the citizenry somehow does not come to the correct conclusion, it can later be told that it did not actually understand the consultation. Continue reading »

Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner

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Jul 092010

By Suzanne Kelly.

Democratic Government

A western style of social organisation existing to ensure that shopping and car park complexes are built, and disadvantaged and misunderstood multi-millionaires have an opportunity to make their voices heard by the ignorant masses. To create a democratic government, ‘elections’ are held, and the citizenry choose upstanding, sober members of their communities to make laws and regulations and shopping and car park complexes on their behalf.

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