Suzanne Kelly Archives - Page 11 of 12

U Friend Or U Foe? – UFOs Seen Over Aberdeenshire

Articles, Community, Featured, Information, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 212011

By Suzanne Kelly.

Planet Earth: is it the ‘Ace Cafe’ stopover for alien inhabitants of other planets in the Milky Way? Are we alone? Do we want to be alone?

You might think your City Councillor is from another planet, but could you be onto something there?

Are there strange visitors flying past in cigar or dustbin-lid shaped crafts, stopping long enough for some funny experiments and to stock up on haggis and ‘Visit Scotland’ t-shirts?

Erich von Däniken wrote his controversial book, ‘Chariot Of The Gods’ some 50 years ago in which he contended that alien visitors came here in civilisation’s early history, teaching us how to use fire, do geometry and sudoko and how to know which recycling bin to use on what day. The 1950s hysteria of newly-nuclear America made the nuclear family paranoid: it was afraid either of ‘reds under the bed’ or ‘little green men’, which was reflected in dozens of sci-fi ‘B’ movies of the period. It was around this time that the term ‘UFO’ for ‘unidentified flying object’ was coined.

Naturally there is a galaxy of Internet sites telling you everything you’d ever wanted to know about UFOs, but were afraid to ask. And of course, that means people are reporting UFOs over a field somewhere near you. One site, ‘UK UFO Sightings’ has a list of Aberdeenshire sightings – approximately one per month last year. Then strangely in January of this year, there are a cluster of three sightings. The website address is http://www.uk-ufo.co.uk/.; anyone is welcome to post their UFO sightings.

The website advises visitors “If you think you have seen a UFO, then this is the site to share your experience. Our aim is to provide a simple way for the general public to log their UFO sightings into one easy searchable site” – which is just what a host of your fellow Aberdonians are doing.

Some sightings have been explained – hoax photography, weather balloons, and fireworks. Then again – many have not

The thirteenth of January sighting report seems rather typical. The UFO spotter was having a cigarette (of some kind) when they saw a ‘white ball shoot across the sky’ very fast in a downwards direction until out of sight. …apparently the sky lit up five times afterwards, each time the light became dimmer. Could it have been a meteorite or shooting star?

On the one hand, it is too easy to laugh at these claims until you realise just how many people over a considerable time period have sworn they’ve seen unusual things in the sky. Airline pilots, military personnel, police, as well as hysterical civilians are all unshakeable in their stories. And no less a person that Stephen Hawking points out that considering the vastness of space and the infinite number of planets, it would be conceited to think we are the only life form out there.

There seems to likewise be evidence showing microorganisms are present on some of the meteorites that have survived entry into our atmosphere. Some sightings have been explained – hoax photography, weather balloons, and fireworks. Then again – many have not. Files were recently released by the UK Government, going back to WWII covering a host of UFO sightings. Apparently Winston Churchill ordered that any UFO sighting be kept secret to prevent “mass panic”. These files are now in the public domain. But keep this in mind: Hawking also said if there is intelligent life out there, we ‘should keep our heads down’.

If a more advanced form of life with more advanced technology encounters us – what would happen? Keep watching the skies.

Pictures At An Exhibition

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Events, Featured, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 212011

By Suzanne Kelly.

Peacock Visual Arts is hosting two exhibitions at present; Aberdeen Voice was on hand for the opening on 14th January of “Menie: a portrait of a North-East coastal community in conflict” photographic portraits by Alicia Bruce.

To describe in simple terms the method of working used to create the images in this show, Alicia Bruce takes iconic painted portraits from art history and re-creates them.
In this instance she spent time with the inhabitants of Menie who have lived under the threat of being displaced by the Trump golf development.

As she acknowledges, she is neither the first nor the only photographer to use past art as source material for recreations, but as an essay on the exhibition by Catriona McAra explains (and as the work demonstrates) Bruce stamps something personal and clearly reflective of Scotland on her portraits. The subjects have lived with the stress caused by the Trump development for quite some time, and their faces reflect this in varying degrees. All of the subjects have several characteristics in common which Bruce successfully catches – different kinds of strength and earnestness.

There is strength and defiance wonderfully captured in the powerful re-creation of the iconic Grant Wood ‘American Gothic’ painting. In this reworking featuring Michael and Sheila Forbes, Michael’s folded, tattooed arms block the would-be adversary from taking the land and farm he stands before, confrontationally facing an invisible Donald Trump, and the gallery viewer is put in Trump’s place, staring in Forbes’ eyes. When the Voice team arrived early at the show, this piece was the first thing we could see as we peered through the gallery doors – powerful, immediately both familiar and new and it made a bold statement of strength that is still fresh in my memory.

The striking desolate beauty of the Menie Landscape is ever present in the photographs, and, like the lost ways of life the original paintings captured, the viewer is left wondering if these portraits are capturing a people and environment doomed to soon be lost themselves like the art they are re-creating. It is this idea that takes the photo of Molly with a gaggle of geese and changes it from a whimsical re-creation of a happier time but instead something poignant.

The show was well attended, and feelings inside the gallery ran high. Molly Forbes said she was ‘most pleased’ with the work; she seemed somewhat overwhelmed and genuinely impressed. Comments given to the Voice and other media present were all powerful; Gordon Maloney had this to say:

“At its heart, this is not a question of what benefit this development could bring to the North East, although it’s very questionable that it would bring any. The question here is how much are we willing to sacrifice for economic gain. Do we want to live in a world where people are evicted from their homes and unique and beautiful stretches of land are ripped up to make way for hotels for rich tourists? I don’t. That’s why it is crucial to show the human side of this story; we can never forget that these are people’s lives, not just what economists derisively call ‘externalities’“.

Along with the Bruce portraits, the back of the gallery area had been used for a projection of the grey north sea waters. Bruce also created a series of shots of boundary markers, taken at different points in time. Near a visitors’ signing book there was a small collection in a simple frame of cards that had been sent in support to the Menie residents. Perhaps the most poignant and heartfelt message can be found on a Christmas card sent to Molly Forbes.

My recommendation is to go to this exhibit and think about what will happen to these people and their world.

Peacock Exhibition

Image 1 of 7

Credit: CSD Images

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.19

Aberdeen City, Articles, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jan 072011

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste ( but do bear with her …. I believe some lengthy, yet justified aeriation may preclude ).

Congratulations to Ms Valerie Watts, formerly of Chief Executive of Derry; she will become the third Aberdeen City Chief Executive in as many years. Readers who can remember back as far as 2008 will recall Douglas Paterson taking early retirement. This was coincidentally just before Audit Scotland came to call, and just after he said he would not leave his post over the little matter of being at the helm when the City sold off various properties for a fraction of their market value.

Nothing to do with him. The auditors were unable to conclude whether these sales – some £5 million less than conservative market value – were a great idea, incompetence, or possibly even shady. For instance, the City claimed to believe it was selling property to the NHS, but sold it to a private developer. If only there had been someone who was invovled with both the City Council and the NHS. Granted Kate Dean would have been one of the most senior people Old Susannah can think of involved with both these entities, but she would have been too busy to notice a deal worth a mere few millon.

Next in the Chief Executive office was Ms Bruce, who left us for Edinburgh, claiming she brought us to a £9 million budget surplus. It actually looks like we need to make about £90 million budget savings immediately, but all the best to her.

Ms Watts may have to get a part-time job to make ends meet; the post of Chief Exec of our fair city only pays £141, 834, with 5% based on how well they perform. Then again, she will want to take a 5% pay cut (that’s about £22K) to show solidarity with the City Council workers who have happily agreed to such a cut themselves. While it may be true that the UK Prime Minster and his cabinet ministers all earn less than our City Chief Exec, they won’t have nearly as much responsibility as Ms Watts, who will need to meet heads of state, tell the Queen what to say in her speech, and build shopping malls and community stadiums.

A person could make a few comparisons between Aberdeen and Derry. For a start the population figures are similar – Derry c. 237,000 and per an Aberdeen report “In the period up to 2031, the population of Aberdeen City is forecast to rise to a peak of 215,000. Both cities have airports as well as countryside areas. Derry had a budget surplus of just over £1 million in 2008, and, well Aberdeen was in the red by tens of millions for the same period. Derry however has a biodiversity policy which has seen it take important ecological steps, and financially speaking it reported an income from its services of £9,140,000 and rates earned it 38,717,000 circa 2008. Obviously Ms Watts has a lot to learn about local developers and what should be done with greenbelt land.

This is most impressive, but clearly can’t work in Aberdeen – we have builders to look after

If anyone can penetrate the Aberdeen City Council finances and find out more than Old Susannah can as to how we compare to Derry financially, I would love to hear from you.

Clearly they have skimped on hospitality, new office furniture, travel, and clothing to make its Lord Provost (actually mayor in Derry) look good. We managed to write off about £11 million in bad debts in a similar period, sold real estate to developers for a fraction of its actual value, and continued to have a discrepancy in pay women earned compared to their male counterparts.

Ms Watts won’t be used to such creativity. Rumour has it that Derry’s schoolchildren still have things like small classes and music lessons – but this is unconfirmed.

Looking again at the two cities and how they regard the environment, Derry has something called a ‘Local Biodiversity Plan’, which reads in part:

“Derry City Council is further meeting its corporate objectives by protecting and enhancing biodiversity in rural and urban areas, and thus providing a clean, diverse, accessible and sustainable environment for people to enjoy while also looking after the health and well being of its communities.

“Natural habitats are being compromised as development progresses in Northern Ireland and in the Northwest. Many species are now living in much smaller fragmented pockets of their previous habitat range. These islands of good habitat are more vulnerable to population decline. Developments of new housing schemes, industrial estates, commercial premises and office space in urban and rural areas, new transportation infrastructure, infilling… are all contributing to habitat loss and fragmentation in the area. Construction projects alongside or close to waterways are particularly sensitive and potentially damaging to flora and fauna”.

This is most impressive, but clearly can’t work in Aberdeen – we have builders to look after, don’t you know?

I can think of nothing that would succeed more than a luxury goods store on Vicky Road

Necessity: Necessity is defined as experiencing a lack of a desired or essential commodity. As anyone in genuine need can tell you, necessity is also a mother.

Aberdeen suffers from need; we identified the necessity of an £80 million pound re-fit for Marischal College for Council offices, and we met that need with new furniture – also necessary. Some things are luxuries, or can be described as ‘nice to have’.

In our City these include road surfaces, services for the disabled, help for the elderly, sports facilities, reasonably-sized classes for students, parks and music lessons.

And as our high-street stores close one by one, there is another thing we need….

Retail Rocks! Retail Rocks is a private company that will bring new life back to Torry’s boarded up shops as well as a few other closed business premises here and there. Clearly the closed down toy store and art materials shop near Bon Accord, ‘Globally Sweet’ on Union Street, and a dozen shops on Holburn closed as the owners were just too lazy or were bad managers. After all, Scottish Enterprise was always on hand to help, and at a cost to the taxpayer of £700 million a year – that is a lot of help. However, there is only so much that a small, unelected quango can accomplish, and Retail Rocks has stepped in to help enterprise in Scotland where Scottish Enterprise could not.

How hard in those conditions can it be to compete with international chain stores

It was not as if the rates in Aberdeen are astronomically high, or that there are not enough police to stop robberies (I can only think of two knife attacks in Torry stores in the last year or two, so that’s not so bad is it?) or to stop the occasional drunk breaking shop windows.

Theft is certainly not an issue – unless you count the dozens of stories in the press each month (and my favourite, the ‘hoodie’ who robbed the Torry PDSA charity shop last Christmas). Seeing as the citizens of Aberdeen have so much expendable income, I can think of nothing that would succeed more than a luxury goods store on Vicky Road. It’s only laziness that stops the family corner shop from completing the one or two bits of paperwork needed for tax, insurance, sales, licensing, transport and so on.

How hard in those conditions can it be to compete with international chain stores, one or two of which you may notice dotted around our town? Aside from their centralised administration, bulk buying power, brand recognition, control of suppliers and use of enterprising children in Asia to produce cheap goods, they really don’t have much of a competitive edge.

Soon the streets will be wholly regenerated with a dozen or so new shops for the ‘Retail is Rocky’ – I mean the ‘Retail Rocks’ competition winners. Get your groundbreaking idea in now. You could wind up a shopkeeper. With the recession in full bloom, there is only one way to go and that is up, and with VAT at 20%, it is easier to calculate it when it was 17.5%. Good luck to all of you – and remember to install security cameras and metal shutters.

Next week: more of the City Council’s committees, ‘conflict of interest’, and ethics

Easy Ways to Help Birds Survive Harsh Winter

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Dec 312010

By Suzanne Kelly.

Aberdeen City and Shire needs to help its over wintering birds, and there is something everyone can do to help. Whether you can spare a few scraps of food or put up bird feeders, any and all food and water is greatly needed.

Aberdeenshire is home to a wide variety of birds; it is a destination for bird lovers from around the world who can find Yellowhammer, Starling, Song Thrush, Skylark, Reed Bunting, Meadow Pipit, Woodcock, Barn Owl, Corn Bunting, Linnet, Dunnock and Buzzard – to name just a few. Most of these birds are considered high or medium conservation priority species according to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds.

birds are virtually helpless in the face of these harsh conditions

Not only are these birds losing habitat at an alarming rate in our area due to changes in the countryside, but also the winters we’ve suffered through recently have been extremely damaging to our bird populations.

An RSPB spokesperson comments that the last three winters we have had are the hardest in the last three decades, and that the effect has been tremendously bad for species such as Kingfishers, Kites and common garden birds, such as goldcrests and long-tailed tits, which are struggling to survive as temperatures plummet and food cannot be found: it is clear that many populations will be further reduced.

The RSPB website recommends various ways to help wild birds survive, which include:-

“Leftovers like grated cheese, porridge oats, soft fruit, unsalted bacon, cooked rice, pasta and the insides of cooked potatoes are also a good source of energy for garden birds, and water for both drinking and bathing is vital”.

1. Put out feed regularly, especially in severe weather. Set up a bird table and use high calorie seed mixes. This can also be used to put out kitchen scraps such as grated cheese, pastry and porridge oats.

2. Put out hanging feeders for black sunflower seeds, sunflower hearts, sunflower-rich mixes or unsalted peanuts.

3. Ensure a supply of fresh water every day. If it is very cold use tepid water.

4. Put out fruit, such as apples and pears, for blackbirds, song thrushes and other members of the thrush family.

5. Food bars or fat hung up or rubbed into the bark of trees is a great help for treecreepers, goldcrests and many other species.

6. Put up nest boxes to provide roost sites for the smaller birds. They will then be used for breeding later in the year. When the weather conditions take a turn for the worse there is often a noticeable change in the behaviour of wildlife. Birds will try to replenish energy lost overnight first thing in the morning and last thing in the afternoon with a spurt of activity”.

Please visit the RSPB website at http://www.rspb.org.uk/ for further details on how to help birds now and year round.

You might be able to hurry into your heated house and get a hot snack when the snows fall, but these birds are virtually helpless in the face of these harsh conditions. Sparing a few minutes and a few scraps of food will definitely make a huge difference to them.

EU To Ban Herbal Remedies?

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Dec 312010

By Suzanne Kelly.

The next time you look for herbal remedies or even loose herbs you’d been able to buy freely, you might find them on an European Union list of banned products rather than on the shelf.

In a move which may well see small herbalists and herbal suppliers forced to close, the EU has decided that hundreds of herbal tinctures, blended remedies and even some loose herbs such as Pau d’Arco and Meadowsweet may be banned, or available only on prescription.

A Herbal Forum was set up to look at the issues involved in the legislative changes; but the outcome seems to mean that many herbs – some used for thousands of years throughout the world – will now be treated as if they were untried pharmaceuticals.

It is true that there have been problems in the past with some people having bad reactions to herbal medications, and the industry does need a form of quality control. However, many feel that the legislation is far too heavy-handed for the small number of problems that existed. In the UK for instance, the herbal stimulant Kava Kava was banned following one person having an adverse reaction to it some years back – and it should be noted that the herb had been incorrectly prepared .

It should be equally noted that there have been some notorious problems with prescription drugs and adverse reactions, addition, and bad prescribing, and the problem of what remedies should be taken in what quantity and by whom is simply not based on whether the remedy in question is plant or laboratory based.

Neal’s Yard Remedies is without doubt one of the UK’s oldest, most respected suppliers of loose herbs, herbal remedies, beauty products and therapies. It sells a very wide variety of loose herbs, many have roots (pardon the pun) going back to pre-Christian times, and are indeed tried and tested. A spokesperson from Neal’s Yard confirms that the company has been involved for several years working with trade associations on the best way to implement the legislation in the UK, but notes future potential problems.

Taking a plant with such a well-documented history of success off the market would serve very little purpose

The way the law has been framed, many shops will have to cease selling many of their herbal products, and the licensing of products made by combining two or more herbs would have to jump through expensive, time-consuming hoops, which many small producers and herbalists simply cannot afford.

Let’s look at Meadowsweet again. This plant was used by the Celts and others (it was a sacred herb along with Vervain and Watermint); it contains a substance from which modern aspirin was in effect derived. Used as a tea, Meadowsweet can provide swift pain relief with virtually no stomach problem – aspirin can cause minor stomach bleeding for many.

Taking a plant with such a well-documented history of success off the market would serve very little purpose: most of us could find it growing wild, or buy it off the Internet. And there is where the law has failed us:- rather than going to an established herbal practitioner which sells pure, untainted herbs, if you are forced to go to the Internet, you really are making a great gamble as to what you will wind up with. If you find a plant growing, unless you are very competent, you might take the wrong herb, or as is sadly the case, you might pick the right herb, but it may well have grown on dangerously polluted soil. Thus the law serves very little protective purpose.

A little tightening up of regulations would have been beneficial; this law seems more based on heavy-weight EU legislation – ‘taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut’ is the phrase that springs to mind.

My advice to those who use herbal products? Stock up on your favourite herbal remedies now.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.18 – Winter Warmer Edition

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Dec 312010

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Aberdeen is such a cool city. Make that frozen. For those of you with snowshoes, ice skates or skis who have been able to make it out of your homes, you may have noticed a few minor problems. There may have been one or two late-running buses during rush hour.

A few flights and trains couldn’t run. Nearly two and a half thousand of us have had frozen pipes in our homes, including Old Susannah, who couldn’t find a plumber who wasn’t fully booked up.

Therefore a “thank you very much” to the brains at ‘Wayne’s Drains’ for giving such great help over the telephone; with their guidance I was able to avoid a burst pipe.

For a few days I had no running water which was a great adventure. I do apologise for turning in such a short ‘Dictionary Corner’ this week but I have three days’ worth of washing, cleaning and mopping up awaiting me. Sorry! It was messy and no fun at all clearing the pipes, and if I never see a U-bend or a tub of ‘Plumber’s Mait’ putty again it will be too soon. Still, I was much better off than an acquaintance who had a frozen toilet. He wound up in quite a mess. Speaking of messes…

Local Development Plan: The Local Development Plan, or ‘LDP’ to its friends, sets out the realistic, wonderful future for Aberdeen. There are goals such as doubling the City’s population, building thousands of new homes, and making a ‘community stadium’ on Loirston Loch (NB – Old Susannah cannot as yet find a definition of what a ‘community stadium’ is). Part of this ingenious plan is to always have land available to developers for creating industrial estates – again,

I always thought land was a finite commodity, and that we still had such a thing as ‘greenbelt land’. Apparently the ‘Planners’ don’t happen to agree. As a voter in Aberdeen, you were presumably made aware that your elected representatives would create this plan, only I can’t seem to find anything to back that up as yet.

You could also be forgiven for thinking that the local, elected Community Councils get asked what they’d like to see – or not see – in the plans from the earliest stages. Apparently there is a ‘statutory duty’ for Community Councils to be consulted for matters in their areas. The truth is that the developers (hmm – can we think of any influential local developers?) and the planning chiefs sit down and invent the whole thing without bothering the elected Community Councils – the rationale for this seems to be that the Community Councils get a chance to object later on.

Where would the needy ‘All Energy Aberdeen’ have been had we not spent over £9K on a wine, beer and juice reception

This is a bit like the farmer objecting to the gate after the horse has bolted. Therefore the ‘community stadium’ planners had a budget of our money capped at approximately £250,000 to spend to investigate the pros and cons of the deal. Had they asked the local councils first, they might well have been told to scrap the idea.

But remember, consultants have to make a living, too. It’s quite funny how the pros (like a big, shiny, new, red-glowing building where Aberdeen Football Club can astound 22,000 people with previously unsuspected footballing skills) are made to be realistic and important, and the cons – such as loss of wildlife habitat, urban sprawl, traffic and expense don’t seem nearly as important.

Of course, the community councils get to comment later in the ‘consultation’ process, during which their opinions are given the consideration that they are worth. For Loirston Loch’s destruction, they get a maximum input at the public hearing of 30 minutes per council. I hope they can talk fast. (Old Susannah will be getting up to have her say about the ‘community stadium’ at this public hearing, which is on 14 January at the Town House City Council offices on Broad Street at 09:30. If you’ve nothing better to do than see Old Susannah talking to a brick wall, do come along).

Hospitality: Dictionary definitions for the noun ‘hospitality’ describe it as meaning “… hospitable treatment, reception, or disposition .” Do not let anyone tell you there is any truth in the stereotype that the Scots are not generous and hospitable; Aberdeen City has definitely dispelled that myth. It might have done so using your tax money, but it’s money well spent. It shows the rest of the world how prosperous we are. Secondly, as previously established, our Lord Provost is worried about being embarrassed or looking foolish – which is why he and his wife need a generous clothing allowance and why he wants us to take Sir Ian Wood’s £50 million for the Union Terrace car park.

Let’s look at some of the hospitality we dished out last year. On the one hand, we only spent £129,472.5 pence according to the City. On the other hand, one wonders if it was all necessary. We threw events for councillors and a whole host of special interest groups. Where would the needy ‘All Energy Aberdeen’ have been had we not spent over £9K on a wine, beer and juice reception for it at the AECC? You and I gladly paid for the ‘Aberdeen Sports Person of the Year Awards’ at the Beach Ballroom where some 275 luminati had dinner and drinks for £9,774.25.

Lest we forget, the City just recently had to stump up an extra £64K or so for the international football programme’s going over budget. I can’t really complain, we attracted an amazing array of footballing talent, including Birmingham City. We still don’t have enough money to keep our schools or have children continue with music lessons. We might have to close our parks (or turn them into something profitable). I have no doubt that our elected officials who dutifully attend these drinkfests stick to water and soft drinks; they might wind up useless, sozzled and brain-addled otherwise; thankfully this hasn’t happened as yet.

However, let’s raise a glass to the forty plus drinks events we held last year. Cheers!

Willows Animal Sanctuary Needs Help Now!

Aberdeenshire, Articles, Charity, Community, Environment, Featured, Information No Responses »

Dec 112010

With Thanks To Suzanne Kelly.

A unique North East animal sanctuary is fighting to avoid closure after the recent cold spell has scuppered a much needed fund-raising open day.

Willows animal sanctuary near Fraserburgh has been rescuing creatures, great and small, from distressing situations since 1989 and is home to a wide variety of domestic, farm and wild animals. However, the charity is struggling to meet its winter feed bill.

The recent spate of extremely bad weather has added to the worries of the sanctuary. Not only did their long-planned open day, which would have brought in much needed funds, have to be cancelled due to the snow, but over the weekend the heavy snowfall caused severe damage to one of the sanctuary’s barns. With means already stretched, the sanctuary is extremely concerned for the coming months.

It is well known that animal rescue charities across the country are being stretched to their limits: not only have donations dropped as people try to decrease their expenditure, but many households have found themselves unable to care for their pets, resulting in twice as much strain on shelters and animal charities alike.

Willows is not only a sanctuary for animals in distress, but also organises a very special Animal Assisted Therapy programme designed for people suffering from learning and physical disabilities. This innovative programme allows vulnerable members of the community to learn new skills and develop confidence in a caring and supportive environment while drawing on the amazing effects that contact with animals can have upon a person’s treatment. Being the only programme of its kind in the region, it has proven very popular and successful.

However, none of the amazing work that Willows are able to conduct within the community is possible without funding.

If you would like to offer some assistance to Willows, to allow them to continue offering support and care to those who need it most, please contact the sanctuary at www.willowsanimals.com

Willows Animal Sanctuary ( Registered Charity No: SCO29625 )
Lambhill
New Pitsligo
Fraserburgh
Aberdeenshire
AB43 6NY

Tel: 01771 653112
Click to Email

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 13

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Nov 192010

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Aesthetics : The Northern Hotel in Aberdeen has a cheerful, charming, lively painting for sale by an artist named Robin Green. It is of something called Union Terrace Gardens. Old Susannah knows a thing or two about painting, and knows this artist must have taken a good deal of time and effort over this bright, leafy scene. The nice folks at ASCEF will be doing Robin a favour by turning Union Terrace Gardens into a slab of concrete – Robin won’t need nearly as many colours for any future paintings of the area, and painting a grey square will certainly be a much quicker, easier task.

Next time you’re in the Northern, have a look for this painting. It might be of use to historians some time in the not-too-distant future if they want to know what a landscape looked like.

Redundancy : One definition of redundancy is to lose your job; redundancy also means unnecessary repetition. In terms of jobs, 900 Aberdeen City Council employees apparently face unemployment. Old Susannah hopes that everyone will be OK, and that none of the core services (like change management) will be affected; she is just surprised that the Council didn’t wait until Christmas Eve to make the announcement for dramatic effect. It should also be noted that in the past, Council employees were told in so many words not to join protests, write letters in support of schools and services to the press, and not to sign petitions: if they did, then their jobs might be at risk.

There will now be 900 people free from the Council’s helpful, caring guidance as to what to think, write and say. Let’s just hope none of these 900 will do or say anything to criticise the City, or talk about what goes on in those hallowed halls. Thankfully, there is little left to save anyway, so there won’t be much in the way of protest or petition left to do. Guess it’s all working out for the best. As mentioned in an earlier column, it’s extremely useful we have an expensive Change Management team – it looks as if there will be changes. Some years ago, Old Susannah learnt that the Council had over 725 people in jobs earning more than £35,000 per year. If you are interested, 725 times £35,000 minimum salary is a minimum of £25,375,000. That was the result of a Freedom of Information request – no wonder Councillor Kev Stewart thinks such requests can be ‘absurd’ Yes, ‘value for money’ remains key.

In terms of unnecessary repetition, I am absolutely certain that there are no job overlaps, no unnecessary job positions or tasks within our streamlined, business-like Council.

the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that

It’s not as if there are endless numbers of committees, pointless meetings, unnecessary reports, or expensive brochures published which no one wants or reads. However, if anyone knows of anything redundant within our Council, please do get in touch.

Corporatarchy : New words spring into life all the time; and a new word according to Miriam Webster is corporatarchy. This is a noun meaning “government according to corporate interests”. It’s about time governments started taking notice of business interests; once that happens, we will have economic prosperity for all. Clearly Aberdeen City Council could go a lot further to help its local businessmen. Thankfully, it has found at least one helpful way to do so: it wants to set up a company to look after its assets.

The hundreds of highly-paid professionals within the Council (see above) are struggling as it is to travel and hold meetings; it is unfair to expect them to look after the City’s assets. I am sure that corporate control by an outside agency will only benefit the remaining parks, museums, etc. that we the taxpayers of the City own. After all, the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that.

Hairpiece : Toupee or not toupee – that is the question when you look at a powerful man with a full, virile head of hair. Is it his own? Is it a weave, a wig, a rug (literally), roadkill or a genetic mutation? Old Susannah’s spies tell of a powerful local who is vain to the point of owning two hairpieces – one short, and one slightly shaggy. He would wear the former for a week or two, switch to the longer one, and tell friends and staff he needed a haircut. Then, out came the shorter wig again. Old Susannah can’t believe anyone would be that vain, and would ask people not to tell such tall, incredible tales any longer.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.12 – Budget Special.

Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 122010

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Surfboard, Boogieboard, Waterboard.
All just harmless fun really. No less a person than the former US President, George ‘Dubya’ Bush has explained in his new book that without waterboarding (which really isn’t so bad apparently – it can’t kill you – usually), lives would have been lost*. Sometimes little things like the Geneva Convention, the Bill of Rights, the EU Convention, etc. have to be put to one side. A little torture can be a good thing; and after all, there is a long history supporting its use.

If we hadn’t tortured people in the past, how would we have know for certain that witches flew on broomsticks to meet Satan at black masses, ruined crops and turned people into newts? After just a little torture, thousands confessed to the truth of devil worship. Of course whether or not torture is OK all depends on who is doing the torture: Western torturers good; Eastern ones bad. Glad to have cleared that up. Two mysteries remain: How come no one cracked under (judicious and necessary) torture and said where all those Weapons of Mass Destruction were hidden? Secondly, I’d love to find out how Dubya, who from most accounts can barely read, managed to write a book. This is the man who complained in a speech that more and more of America’s imports were coming from abroad.

*I wonder how else lives could have been saved in this situation. Give the UK troops equipment that worked and matched the conditions? Not go to war in the first place? No, can’t think of a thing but torture.

Brief maths quiz:
If you start with a deficit of 52 million pounds, then fail to collect over £15 million owed to you, then start a project for £80 million pounds and contemplate a £140 million pound car park, don’t pay staff correctly by £X million, and announce you want to go into the concert business by buying an exhibition centre which you’ve already spent a minimun of £36 million on, while cutting millions formerly used to support vulnerable, schools and parks then what is the result? The answer, according to a recent Aberdeen City Council is a £9 million pound surplus. That is according to outgoing Sue Bruce in a recent ACC press release.

Press Release.
A press release is a piece of writing sent to newspapers and television, used to call attention to what a wonderful job you are doing. Press Releases are sent in the hope that the media will run your story. Of course accuracy in Press releases is managed by seasoned professionals who take great care to get the facts correct.

The Aberdeen City Council writes press releases religiously – and quite rightly so, with the calibre of their accomplishments. Sadly, the Press and Journal printed (per standard practice) one of the City’s releases which concerned the amount of unpaid council tax. There was a City press release which claimed around £43 million was unclaimed and that one in three households had to be taken to court over unpaid council tax.

The P&J printed these figures, relying on the accuracy of the press release. Naturally, this was a mistake. The higher-ups in the Council read the figures in the news, went ballistic, and went into action. Instead of issuing a new press release stating their mistake, they decided to publicly blame the P&J for getting its sums wrong. This resulted in an editorial by the P&J accusing the Council of being less than generous with the truth. It ended with words along the lines of “… we (the P&J) will accept the blame for our mistakes – Brazen attempts to shift the blame (by the City) we can’t.” Thankfully, it is only about £30 million that the City is owed in Council tax. Easy to misplace the odd £14 million or so; Old Susannah does it all the time. But then again, expect this figure to change in a day or two.

Budget Cuts.
Even though we are rich, everyone needs budget cuts. A budget cut is what you to to preserve what is essential, or in Council-speak, what is a ‘core service’. Core services include running concerts at a loss, making Olympic swimmers, and taking trips.

We all have to budget – how many tens of thousands of pounds do you spend on outfits to wear to important events per year, how much to spend on travel, how much to spend on propping up white elephants (like the AECC). In order to meet our budgets, hard choices must be made. Do you cut grandma’s care support? Junior’s school? Close the backyard swimming pool? Stop giving to the poor? Stop feeding the birds? Of course you do. And our Council budgets wisely as well.

You will be very happy to hear that Sue Bruce announced a £9 million surplus. No doubt this money will be earmarked for the vitally- important Olympic pool: what could be more important than Aberdeen winning an Olympic medal for swimming ? – which seems an absolute certainty. Millions will be saved by closing all the regional swimming pools (particularly the ones which have recently beeen refurbished). One giant Olympic pool is all you and the family need. You’ll also get your exercise just by getting to it – now that the bus fares have risen above inflation rates.

But don’t expect to exercise in the parks any longer – they are getting the axe – possibly literally. All that money spent in the past on blue skies, green grass, clean air, biodiversity, play areas has been done away with. If the parks can’t make money as they are, the sooner they are turned into something profitable the better.

We will not, however face the loss of a single pounds worth of our real estate portfolio, which we cherish and which is the envy of the civilised world. All those boarded up buildings are safe. Rest easy.

Thankfully there is money towards a regional ‘super prison’ – presumably for those who can’t – or won’t pay their council tax. The level of tax has been frozen for a few years – so have many people’s salaries. However, our services such as police, libraries, teachers, services for people with special needs and the elderly have halved. I wonder if we should all apply for a refund, as we’re not getting one half of what we paid for to start with. Just a thought.

At least at the end of it, we have preserved Marischal College. Since its entire interior has been scrapped (including books seen thrown into skips), our brand of ‘preservation’ is akin to the preservation of the taxidermist.

Next week:

No mention of the 9-0 Celtic/Aberdeen Result – that would be unkind. Some people believe the management (S Milne, proprietor) is not investing in the club sufficiently. However, once we have a football/community stadium twice the size of the present AFC home, the crowds will fill it up completely, and the club’s morale will be so boosted it wins lots of silverware.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.11

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 052010

This week Old Susannah looks at the important work of Aberdeen City, Shire and ASCEF. But first she would like to note the international recognition given to the Shetland Islands as a world-class destination.

The Shetlands won a spot on the world’s top ten places according to The Lonely Planet guide. I don’t see it myself – aside from unique landscapes, diverse wildlife, archaeology, northern lights and an ancient heritage, there’s not much to these isles – not even a shopping mall. Think how much better it could be there if they’d only build a concrete public square and a few hundred holiday homes. Perhaps a delegation from ASCEF could help. And here’s what ASCEF has done for us lately:

Regional Identity

Before ASCEF came along, no one in the world knew where Aberdeen or indeed the North East of Scotland was. There was no Regional Identity (except for a Scottish history stretching to prehistory, discoveries and inventions known the world over, and both architecture and wild landscape immortalised by artists and writers). Well, we have a Regional Identity now. This identity apparently means that finally businesses in the area can compete in the world. You can almost feel the motivation. I can hear you asking now, what good is a Regional Identity without a logo, strapline and philosophy? Quite.

Aberdeen City and Shire – The logo

For reasons of copyright (and aesthetics), I am not reproducing the beautiful logo here – but I do encourage you to seek it out on the Aberdeen City Council website. Words cannot do it justice, but I shall do my best. First there is the shape – it echoes the Grampian coastline (if the coastline were a boomerang). Then there is groundbreaking lettering rendered in a bold, confident yet plain font which announces: “ABERDEEN CITY AND SHIRE” in full capital letters to emphasise how important we are. You can almost sense the improving economic investment into the area this lettering alone will bring.

These words make you instantly feel optimistic, and ready to face life head on

There are squiggly lines – sorry waves which not only let people know we are on a coastline ( Did you know that?) but also demonstrate how connected we are (of course anyone with an artistic streak will immediately get it).

There didn’t seem to be any graphic reference to the beautiful sewerage plant on said coastline, which was no doubt an artistic decision reached after weeks of deliberation. There is a cityscape just like ‘Sex in the City’ had.

There is also reference to trees in this masterpiece, but no doubt they can be airbrushed out once we’ve got rid of Union Terrace Gardens. The blue and green colour scheme apparently reflects our natural environment (maybe they ran out of grey paint?). Strangely neither the Council nor ASCEF seem to respond to my freedom of information requests with any regularity, but if any of you would like to ask how much of our money went into the logo, strategy, strapline and the Identity Team, please let me know what you can find out. But wait – it gets better…

Natural Pioneers

No, our governors and business leaders are not ‘Natural Pioneers’ because they are determined to tame any remaining wilderness . This pioneering spirit is the state of mind we are all in according to those who designed our new identity. Old Susannah admits to being a bit confused by the literature describing this value because it explains that our culture and history show we naturally have a can do attitude .

This seems a wee bit at odds with their previous claim that we were unknown to the outside world. I am not sure which is true, but I will look through the ‘toolkit’ which the ‘Regional Identity Team’ has created to see if I can get to the bottom of it. Should any reader be able to explain this to me, please get in touch.

A Brighter Outlook

A Brighter Outlook is what we have in Aberdeen, as the ‘strapline’ tells us. These words make you instantly feel optimistic, and ready to face life head on. The outside world will of course totally believe things are great here because of the strapline and the logo. A few squiggles, a cityscape, and the immortal words ‘A Brighter Outlook’ will have investors queuing up to get their money placed here. We will have more Donald Trumps. Thank you ASCEF, and thank you Regional Identity Team.

I suggest you write to your elected representative to express how happy you are that a team has been established and money spent to put Aberdeen’s future in this wonderful light. Or take direct action and contact the Regional Identity Team directly at St Nicholas House. Let’s ensure they keep up the good work and that they won’t suffer in the budget cuts. Best we get rid of the income that charities used to rely on from the Golden Square parking area than we cut a cent from our Regional Identity team (I wonder how many people it took to do all of this fantastic work?).

Only one thing is missing: we need a photo of a person who embodies all of the things our City and Shire stand for. Please send your nominations.

Next week: Budget special: creative accounting, ringfencing, consultation updates

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