Royal Wedding Deception

 Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 262010
 

A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mam­moth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.

Rapunzel Wizard
I’m dreading the royal wedding
As it’s doing my head in
Forget Kate, it’s Cameron
Who’s really in love with William
For his timing in popping the question

What a smart way to bury the cuts
As the mindless media goes off its nut

News on the date, news on the venue
News on the dress, and reception menu
News in nauseating detail
including the design for the commemorative tea-towel

Don’t matter about mangled public services
When you can watch a parade of horse drawn carriages

And I don’t see why taxpayers should contribute any
For my wedding William didn’t give me a penny

All you’ll get out of this is a day off work
… If you’ve still got a job by then…

Rapunzel’s Rant – Build A Car Park!

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Sep 032010
 

I’ve got lots of money and want to build a car park, so f*ck off – A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mammoth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.

rapunzel-long
Union Terrace Gardens is eyesore ugly
rapunzel-long

Out of keeping with the rest of Union Street
An island of green in a sea of grey
It would look better as an underground car park
Cost you 90 million to pay and display
Turn Aberdeen into a top destination
Sir Ian Wood say, but I would nae

But
Sir Ian’s got more money, than a bunch of skagheads
Sir Ian’s got more money, than the trees or grass
Sir Ian’s got more money, than a bunch of joggers
Sir Ian’s got more money, than Peacock Arts

Sir Ian would leave a legacy
Where you won’t see the trees for the wood.
Sir Ian would leave a legacy
Turn our parks into car parks

Turn our parks into car parks
Sir Ian Would
But I’d rather he didn’t.

Rapunzel’s Rant – Eton Replicants

 Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 272010
 

Another rant from Aberdeen’s adopted crustacean Rapunzel Wizard.

Rapunzel Wizard
Are androids voted for by electric sheep?
We’re in our forties in our suits
from a public school laboratory.
We look like you but we’re not
cos we’ve no human empathy.

We’re the Eton Replicants
pre-formed to form your government.
We’re the Eton Replicants.
We hate common things
like common sense.

We’re androids built on privilige.
We would fail the Voight-Kampff test.
The ruling elite couldn’t slash and burn
if we had compassion or concern.

I’ve seen the servants at Eton Wick
their council estate makes me sick.
You might think we’re a feudal joke
“Peasants feel our Norman Yoke!”

We’re the Eton Replicants
reptilian and repugnant.
We’re the Eton Replicants
born to form your government.

We’re modelled on a Nexus Six.
Handshakes hide an iron fist.
We’re the invasion of the bodysnatchers
implanted spawn of Maggie Thatcher.

We’re the Eton Replicants
against us there is no defence.
There’ll be a public sector vasectomy
it will go the way of a rat in V.

We’re the Eton Replicants
like Roy Batty our government
might die in four years
but we’d still be here
amongst you.

Rapunzel Wizard is a locally based performance poet who will be appearing this week at The Coffee House, Gaelic Lane …. see Upcoming Events. He also hosts Jam Factory – an open mic session at The Moorings every Sunday.

Rapunzel’s Rant – Toddler Trump

 Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 202010
 

Toddler Trump … A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mammoth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.

Rapunzel Wizard
Too much money makes your head go funny
Swap a business suit for a romper suit
Toddler trump acts like a two year old
Spoiled rotten and never told no Continue reading »

Rapunzel’s Rants – One Wedding.

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 132010
 

One Wedding and All Our Funerals… A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mammoth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.

Rapunzel Wizard
At Number Ten
stood on the steps
is a double act
with the emphasis on act Continue reading »