May 312012
 

By Bob Smith. 

Binge drinkin quines – there’s nithing worse
They  faa aboot an sweir an curse
Wi hurdies keekin oot their draars
They stumble oot o clubs an bars

Oh bonnie quine fit are ye deein
Squattin in some shop door peein
Syne styterin oot  on ti the street
Yer knickers danglin roon yer feet

Ye try ti hail a passin taxi
Bit only lan up on yer jaxie
Ye  wanner hame  intae yer bed
And waakin up aside some ned

Puir quine ye’re still a wee bit foo
As ye struggle ti  the nearest loo
Ye look in  the mirror—oh fit a sicht!
An ye canna myn a thing aboot last nicht

 ©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: BEER MUG© Melinda Nagy | Dreamstime.com

May 242012
 

By Bob Smith.

Some fowk doon Govan wye
Wi sad facies hiv bin seen
Fair dumfoonert aboot the news
Gers saved bi a mannie GREEN
.
Noo things cwid hae bin affa worse
An fair added ti Blue Noses plight
If Charles G an Craig W jined forces
Gers wid be ained  by Green an Whyte
.
The hail thing his noo becum
Jist like a  Brian Rix farce
They micht lan in liquidation
Sic a richt kick up the arse.
.
Seems Trumpie he wis sniffin aboot
Myn his auld mither cam fae Tong
Bit “The Donald” seen skedaddled
Fin Gers finances gid aff a pong
.
He widna hae hid windfairms
Doon the wye o Copeland Road
An he cwid hae biggit a big hoosie
On Murray Park as his new abode
Wull the SPL becum a coordly bunch
If  a New Co rises fae the mire
An vote ti keep the “licht blues” in
Lichtin Scottish Fitba’s funeral pyre
.
Fan’s wull think iss is the eyn
O sportin integrity in the game
A helluva lot hiv noo threatened
Ti bide awa an stey at hame
.
A final thocht as ti new ainers
Gers fans wid lose aa hope
If een o the fowk in the consortium
Wis the video film mannie Tim Pope
.
We maan tho hae some peety
Decent Gers fans fin it nae funny
A fyow eers they’ve bin supportin
A team wi nae bliddy money
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

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Image Credit © Copyright G Laird and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

May 242012
 

By Bob Smith.

The game o gowf is puzzlin
Causes frustration yet gies pleasure
Fin ye think ye’ve got it cracked
It shows it’s got yer measure
.
Yer drive it splits the fairway
The nine iron shot’s a dream
Ye miss anither twelve inch putt
It’s aneuch ti mak ye scream
.
Anither drive doon the middle
Next shot’s bang on the stik
Fit silly sod pit a bunker ‘ere
His brain it maan be thick
 .
Ye crack een verra close ti green
Syne thin yer next wedge shot
Fit wye div a play iss silly sport?
My game’s gien a ti pot
.
A five widd at a blin par three
Yer sure it maan be close
Ye fin it’s fifty fitt awa
Yer feelin fair morose
.
Yer next tee shot’s a bittie  hookit
It his feenished on a bank
Nae problem – jist an easy swing
Oh no! A bliddy shank
Ye reach the turn in forty
Ah weel it cwid be worse
Next shot flees weel oot o bounds
It’s time ti sweir an curse
.
Ye hit a richt monster drive
It’s soarin weel oot o sicht
Yer partners shak their heids an say
Yer swing it wisna  richt
.
Maist  shots are oot  the sweet spot
Fit are ye deein right?
Next roond it’ll be back ti slicin
And playin a load o shite
.
Ye hit the green in regulation
Syne ye tak three putts
Ye stan ‘ere  an scratch yer heid
It fairly drives ye nuts
.
Yer keepin yer game tigether
The last hole -yer nearly hame
Seeven shots later an ye mutter
Fa inventit iss stupid game?
.
Ah weel there’s aywis next wikk
Ye return wi fresh hope an vigour
Ye duff yer first drive seeventy yards
Did I hear some bugger snigger?

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie “ 2012
Image Credit:  © Boleslaw Kubica | Dreamstime.com

May 172012
 

By Bob Smith.

Integrity an democracy wull be lost
If the City Gairdens plans ye scrap
So says yon mannie fae Acsef
We maan pit Aiberdeen on the map
.
The chiel his hid a memory lapse
Integrity and democracy it deet
The day the public consultation vote
Wis ignored by Sir Ian an his creed
.
The lot in the coalition cooncil
Ti spik ti Widdie felt the need
Onybody wi a grain o sense
Kentiss widna dee ony gweed
Is it ta-ta ti the Granite Web?
Weel we’ll hae ti wait an hope
The Labour lot stik ti their guns
An Sir Ian Widd is left ti mope
.
The third briggie ower the River Don
Micht be fer the chap as weel
Ross Grant is noo on the cooncil
He thinks the scheme is bliddy feel
.
Integrity an democracy micht recover
In the toon twixt Don an Dee
If some cooncillors they haud faist
An ti Widdie dinna bend the knee

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

May 032012
 

By Bob Smith.

“The Donald” wis doon at Holyrood
Agin winfairms he did rail
Stop biggin aa thae turbines
Or yer tourism it’ll fail

Ye’ll spile the bonnie coastline
An wi me ye noo wull clash
Nae wird o connachin shiftin dunes
Fin an SSSI the chiel did trash

Trump says the warld’s aa laachin
At fit he sees as Scaatland’s folly
Fowk winna cum ti ma gowf course
An a’ve spint aa iss bliddy lolly

Royal Aiberdeen spoots oor Donald
Wull lose oot on gowf events
A win’ turbine it’ll spile the view
Fae the course an sponsors’ tents

The pledge a wis gien’s bin bruiken
“Nae winfairms wid be near Menie”
A’m dumfoonert an fair scunnered
An winna spen anither penny

Oor Eck cries “stuff an nonsense”
The mannie’s spikkin crap
His “The Donald’s” bluff an bluster
Geen a bittie ower the tap?

Wi aa the rigmarole at Holyrood
Donald playin his “Trump” cardie
It’s mair akin to yon Hollywood
Wi Donald an Eck as Laurel an Hardy
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Image credit:© Mark Rasmussen | Dreamstime.com …. 3 windmills

Apr 262012
 

By Bob Smith.

Fitba fans are noo fleein
Fae the shite they are seein
Played on pitches throwoot the land
Their heids they are scratchin
At fit they are watchin
Coaches beery their heids in the sand
.
The gemme is noo borin
Fin teams are nae scorin
Nae players git on the scoresheet
Ti fans it’s a scunner
Git forrit they thunner
Some teams try nae ti git beat
.
Nae goalmouth scrambles
Or quick passin gambles
Haud on ti the ba is the goal
Nae fleein wingers
Fa at crosses war slingers
A striker’s a richt lonely soul
.
The gemme’s played in midfield
Neither team it dis yield
Ti move faist they nivver aspire
We maun keep possession
Is a coach’s confession
Scorin goalswis eence the desire
.
The coaches div sing
Results are the thing
So AABODY defends at the back
Strikers noo in defence
Fin things get ower tense
There’s nae bugger left  in attack
.
If wi dinna concede
The coaches wull plead
Wi micht sneak a goal near the eyn
Fans fin iss a bore
An some they div snore
Tryin hard their seats ti recline
Players they faa ower
Some are a richt shower
Sma contact?- they’re doon on the grun
Chiels clutchin their face
As actors they’re ace
In sic folly the fans fin nae fun
.
So things maun be changed
In the heids o the deranged
A mair positive style wi shud see
Or I’m feart itherwise
We’ll see the demise
O a gemme eence flowin an free
.
Attack attack attack
We maun noo bring back
Leave defences ti cope wi attackers
If a goal is lit in
Dinna think it’s a sin
Jist gyaang an score twa crackers
.
It’s doon ti cost
Some fans are lost
Gweed money is pyed ti watch piss
If the gemme’s poor
Fer 30 minutes plus an oor
Mair and mair wull gie it a miss
.
A’m gettin lang in the tooth
An fair doon in the mooth
At fit eence wis “the beautiful game”
Lots o matches are crap
Wi tackles ower the tap
Fit we’re seein’s a richt bliddy shame
.
.
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
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Image Credit: Ancrum A.F.C football pitch and dugout (Iain Lees) / CC BY-SA 2.0
Apr 192012
 

By Bob Smith.

Lit’s hear it fer the fowk fa waak
Aroon the streets in ivvery toon
Fa’s only wish is ti be free
Fae motor cars aa fleein aroon

Streets faar ye can walk in peace

Nae noise fae larry or car
A toon cinter free o fumes an steer
Faar the motor vehicle’s nae the Tsar

A placie faar the high street shops

Can dee their trade in tranquility
An cafes hiv tables an chairs ootside
Wi fowk  enjoyin a coffee or tea

Streets faar kids can waak ti skweel

Nae aye driven in faimily cars
Fowk’ll  think there’s mair chunce
O seein aliens fae the planet Mars
Fowk war born wi things caed legs
Bit they’re nae noo used sae muckle
Instead o haen a fyow car free streets
Lit toons aim ti hae a fair puckle

Git fowk back livin in toon cinters

So some widna hae ti drive ti wark
An maybe they cwid enjoy some peace
Like the car free island o Sark

Ye think am livin in a fantasy warld?

Maybe so bit we maun surely try
Ti mak toon streets fowk freenly
Reclaim oor streets shud be the cry
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Picture Credit: Richard Slessor

Apr 122012
 

By Bob Smith.

Lit’s aa hae a wee boycott
O baith oor local papers
Faa noo are seen as biased
In favour o business capers

Nae  muckle objective reportin
In the columns o EE or P&J
Jist lots o damn’t propaganda
Fae some business mannie’s oot tray 

Time fer fowk noo ti kick
The buggers faar it’s sair
Dinna buy the nyaff papers
Hae editors teerin their hair

People power is fit we need
Tell the publishers we’re fair sick
Aye readin the bliddy scrivens
O some business leanin prick

A wis near 25 ‘ear in advertisin
Paper’s weak spot aa ken it is
Haein sales drappin like a steen
Syne the gaffers get in a fizz

Ti sell advertisin bi the column
Circulation figures maun bide gweed
If fowk stoppit buyin the papers
The Evening Distress wid seen bi deid

Think o aa the fowk workin there
Some north east fowk micht cry
A didna see muckle “EE carin”
Fin they hung Martin Ford oot ti dry

The solution fer baith papers
Ti sooth some north east wrath
Cum oot o “business” hip pooches
An jist steer a mair middle path

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”2012

Apr 102012
 

With thanks to Jo Milne.

A renowned Irish poet will read at the University of Aberdeen on Monday (April 16) as part of a British tour. Micheal O’Siadhail, a winner of The Marten Toonder Prize and The Irish American Culture Institute Prize for Literature, will present a selection of his work to students and members of the public at the free event.

O’Siadhail has published 12 collections of poetry including Tongues (2011), Globe (2007), Love Life (2005) and The Gossamer Wall (2002).

He has given poetry readings and broadcast extensively in Ireland, Britain, Europe, North America and Japan.

In 1985 he was invited to give the Vernam Hull Lecture at Harvard and the Trumbull Lecture at Yale University. He represented Ireland at the Poetry Society’s European Poetry Festival in London in 1981 and at the Frankfurt Book Fair in 1997.

Tom Greggs, Professor of Historical and Doctrinal Theology at the University of Aberdeen, said:

“This will be Micheal’s first reading in Aberdeen, and he is a wonderful performer: the readings are exceptionally entertaining, and the new collection of poetry from which he is reading is stellar.

“Even those who have never considered attending a poetry reading before will come away inspired, delighted and moved. It is a rare treat having Micheal at the university, and I hope that both the university community and the broader Aberdeen community will take advantage of the opportunity to hear one of the most important poets of our age.”

The free reading will take place at 7.30pm on Monday April 16 in room KGC8 in King’s Quad, King’s College, University of Aberdeen. Members of the public are welcome to attend and booking is not required.

More info: http://osiadhail.com/home/

Apr 062012
 

By Bob Smith.

The first season o the ‘ear
Heralds the fresh breath o Spring
April shooers weet the grun
Birdies ti nests they cling

Syne the time o Simmer
Wi the sun heich in the sky
Fin thunner micht be rummlin
An yer skin can stairt ti fry

Simmer’s deen an it’s Autumn
Wi the leaves nae langer green
Fairmers they still wark the lan
Bi the licht o a gweed hairst meen

Fae Autumn inti the Winter
Wi it’s dark an broodin skies
The sna lyin’ deep an crisp
Ye’re maist affa sweir ti rise

The vagaries o oor climate
Am sure some wull agree
Are better fin yer hearin
“The Fower Seasons” by Vivaldi

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: Elaine Andrews