Aberdeen Voice is grateful to Ben Harley, a retired-psychology-student-turned-cartoonist for permission to reproduce his work here. Writer and illustrator, Ben’s comics can be found resting at www.FlockOfInk.com
Cow
By Bob Smith.
Widdie’s noo back,wi mair bliddy cack
The fifty million is back on the table
Bit only ye see, if wi him ye agree
Aat there’s only ae horse in the stable
John Halliday’s plan, seems nae aneuch gran
The gairdens they still wull be sunken
Is it his fear, aat fowk they drink beer
In the airches wi an attitude drunken?
The plans need transformin, afore the mannie is warmin
Tae ony ideas the chiel wid see fit
If it’s nae tae street livel, t’is the wark o the devil
Onything else Sir Ian sees as shit
The P&J it dis cry, compromise wi shud try
Nae chunce o ess cumin tae pass
Sir Ian his a goal, tae fill in the bowl
An smore the gairdens en masse
Widdie’s “olive brunch”, fin it cums tae the crunch
Is nithing the sort if ye think
An ultimatum mair like, an een wi shud spike
Tho the eyn gemme is noo at its brink
So fa’ll raise the bar, in ess oot an oot war?
Wull fifty million bi seen as a bribe?
An concrete wull flow, on the girss doon alow
On champagne Sir Ian wull imbibe
Can the gairdens survive, fowks hopes kept alive
Or micht it dee in a nest o vipers?
Wull siller win the day, in aa ess affray
Help’t oot bi some ither snipers?
© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
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By Bob Smith.
Some nichtclub ainers in Aiberdeen
Are vexed an fair pit oot
Cos ae pub can open tull 3am
Takkin some o their “loot”
Mike Wilson faa ains a club or twa
Wints tae open throweoot the nicht
Sellin booze tull it dawns sax
An idea fit’s nae aat bricht
Itherwise he micht lose siller
An eyn up cryin in his beer
Anither million doon the drain
Is aat fit his ilk a’ fear?
Is the billie fer the “poors’ hoose”
If cooncil fowk ignore his plea?
Wull he hae tae shut the doors
If wi him they dinna gree?
Wull club ainers gyaang “tae the wa”
As we listen tae their tale?
Tryin tae stir up sympathee
Or is’t anither “Epic” wail?
Aiberdeen wull be an open toon
Fer binge drinkers an face bashers
If the licencin board grant his wish
They’re minus screws an washers
© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
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By Bob Smith.
| Awa ower in Swedish watters Ye micht hear some affa screams As a wee fishie in the sea Connachs a fyow chiels’ dreams . Iss hungry fishie it wid seem His a likin fer mannies’ bas They creep up fin yer sweemin An grab them wi their jas . Fin yer awa ower in Sweden Skinny dippin micht nae be gweed Thae fishies fae roon aboot Wid queue up fer a feed |
A fyow billies wull be wary If sweemin the Oeresund Strait The local lads faa fish there Micht use fowks’ bas as bait . Noo we’re telt it’s aa a myth The Pacu fishie winna bite A mannie wis haein a joke An the story wis jist shite . © Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013 Image Credit: I, Omnitarian. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license |
Colin Murray fae the BBC
Meenshun’t Jessica Ennis’s bum
He’s accused o bein sexist
Iss is nae a bittie rum
Noo Jessica’s erse IS perfect
So why nae state iss fact
Seems puir Colin shud hae used
Jist a little bittie mair tact
Fit’s the warld noo cumin tae?
Ye’ve tae watch yer “p’s an q’s”
Ye mak a wee daft remark
On yer heid is heaped abuse
PC his geen ower the score?
Maybe bum’s noo classed as lewd
So ma remark aboot her erse
Micht weel be thocht as crude
A dinna think we shud be
Rude aboot fowk’s lukes
Bit fer praisin Jessica’s backside
Seems puir Colin Murray sooks
Awa aa ye fun destroyers
Ye crabbit bunch o tubes
A gweed job he didna meenshun
Onything aboot Jessica’s boobs
A hear the howls o protest
Classed anither sexist chap
Nivver myn a’m auld aneuch
Tae fend aff ony bum rap
Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image: Wikimedia Commons
By Bob Smith.
Martin Ford wis teen ower the coals
Fer spikkin tae yon Panorama
Seems the chiel’s opinion fae
Cooncil offices canna be on camera
The stushie fae the ‘shire cooncil
Tae North Koreawis mair suited
Wull aa future cooncil policy
Tae Kim Jong-Un be re-routed
A thocht we bade in a democracy
An war alood tae say yer bit
Cooncillor Ford gied his opinion
An some cooncillors hid a fit
His Trumpie got sic a grip?
Are cooncillors jist Trumpie goons?
Feart tae challenge The Donald
On onything tae dee wi dunes
A nivver thocht a’d see the day
Growen fowk aa rinnin scared
Fae a mannie full o bluster
Like the Menie Yankee laird
Lit’s curse aa coordly vratches
Lit them hang their heids in shame
They’ve selt fowk doon the river
As they play “King” Donald’s game
© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
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By Bob Smith.
| Bring IKEA tae Aiberdeen Campaign Is aneuch tae mak me splutter Anither bliddy multi national Causin local shops tae stutter . Ye cwidna ca me a racist A’ve nae problem wi the Swedes Bit wi’ve plunty local shoppies Tae cater fer furnishin needs . There’s Anderson’s o Inverurie Sainsbury & Sons doon Holburn wye An Celebrations oot in Turra toon Berrys o Oldmeldrum weel worth a try |
Noo the profit made bi IKEA Eichty per cint wull disappear Oot o the local economy Awa back tae Sweden a fear . Bring IKEA tae Aiberdeen campaign We can dee withoot iss fine IKEA tak aa yer flatpacks Stick em “faar the sun disna shine” . Lit’s hear it fer local shoppies Lang may their like we see They support the local economy So fae IKEA lit’s aye bi free. |
Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image credit: Gadjo Cardenas Sevilla
By Bob Smith.
| Noo Betty likit the picters She geed there ivvery wikk Ti musicals like The King and I Or great epics like Moby Dick . Jist ony film it wid dee War films wi yon Alan Ladd She swooned aboot romantic eens Aiven some aat made her sad . She hid her favourite film stars Like Cary Grant or Clark Gable She drimt she micht be a duncer Swak as Cyd Charisse or Betty Grable . Swashbucklin movies wi lots o fechtin Wi Burt Lancaster or Errol Flynn Or films aat featured animals Sic as Lassie or Rin Tin Tin . She wisna aat fond o gangster eens Starrin Cagney, Bogart or Herbert Lom Yet the titles o aa iss kin o picter She reeled aff wi some aplomb |
She laached at cartoons by Walt Disney Mickey Moose or yon Donald Duck Enjoyed films aat wir a bit historical Aboot Robin Hood an Friar Tuck . Horror eens made her affa feart O Boris Karloff an Vincent Price Picters like The Mummy’s Hand She thocht nae verra nice . Cowboys and Indians she lappit up Wi Gary Cooper an Big John Wayne She even likit western musicals Far Doris Day wis Calamity Jane . Best o aa she adored the classics Oliver Twist an o coorse Jane Eyre An eens in a wee bit lichter mood Like Pickwick Papers an Vanity Fair . Noo Betty she’s fair growein aul Some picter hooses they’re nae mair Bit Betty myns fine o the nichts Fin gyaan ti the picters wis jist rare |
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”2012
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The Aberdeen Voice has received a letter from a Mr I. Aymin, a retired ostrich baron from the small town of Aberdeen in the Cambedoo Mountains in South Africa. As it is our stated policy to represent the people of Aberdeen regardless of race, creed, colour, religion or apparently, geography, we have decided (albeit with some misgivings) to publish his message as requested.
Thanks to our wonderful new internet service (admittedly intermittent), coupled with it’s (let us be truthful) unreliable translation software, I have become aware of your city’s gallant attempt to be named ‘City of Couture 2017’ and feel I should show my whole-hearted support for our sister city.
I have to admire this brave move on the part of your tribal elders since, having looked at street scenes of your Aberdeen, the majority of citizens seem to be dressed by Primark or JLM Sports. This, however, only serves to reinforce the respect I have for the people of Scotland.
Before my family moved here from Uganda my great-uncle President Idi often spoke of the time he spent in your beautiful land while receiving the military training he later put to such good use.
Indeed he so admired the pluck of a small country seeking independence that he offered himself to be crowned King of Scotland. (You missed a trick there, you Scotties, instead of resenting the English for all these years; you could have been eating them!).
I must apologise for that digression – my mind wanders, my head aches and I often find that I have been ‘napping’ unknowingly. That damned bird!
I fear you will face stiff opposition from Sheffield! (I see the ostrich hoof coming at me in my dreams!)
Looking again at pictures of all the new and planned architecture of your city – the office buildings, hotels and shopping malls – I have little doubt that you will be successful and you shall indeed be named ‘City of Clutter 2017’.
– Best Wishes, I Aymin (rtd.)
‘Fit’s aat up abeen?’, says I
Fin a spied an ususual sicht
A yalla orb in the sky
Shinin doon sae bricht
A hid tae rack ma memory
Tae think fit it micht be
It cam tae me sudden like
T’wis the sun fit a did see
It hid been a wee fylie
Since it showed its face
Hail, rain, win an caul
Wis fit we’ve hid tae face
So shine on richt merrily
Mr Sun ye cheer us aa up
An hae us steppin oot briskly
As tho we wis a young pup
Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image: Orange Sunset © Zoran Tripalo Dreamstime Stock Photos
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