Bob Smith Archives - Page 7 of 8

Disk Space Is Tint

Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jan 072011

By Bob Smith.

I switched on my computer
Ae cauld December day
Fit I found on ma screen
Fair filled me wi dismay

“Yer affa low on disk space”
The bubble it me did tell
I sat an scratched ma heid
An some obscenities did yell

I tried ma best ti recover space
By deletin’ some o ma files
It didna mak muckle odds
I wis losin space in style

Gweed fowk gied me suggestions
An them I aa then used
By the time I wis feenished
I wis gettin’ mair confused

Doon an doon the GB’s wint
Till I wis near despair
I punched in iss, I punched in aat
An tuggit oot tufts o hair

The laptop it his nearly been
Fair chukkit in the bin
Bit fegs I’m an Aiberdonian
Throwin’ siller awa is a sin

So ma freens I’m noo affline
Cos I canna doonload at speed
The computer’s in for an MOT
So disk space can be freed

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

The Triple Kirks

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Dec 182010

By Bob Smith.

Gless an concrete aroon the spire
Raising hackles an causin ire
Thae designs fer The Triple Kirks
Aa drawn up by stupid birks

I can only think some philistine
Drim’t iss plans wid be fine
Nae thocht for fit wis roon aboot
A bonnie skyline gien the boot

Gless boxes seem a the rage
Architects nae langer sage
Foo muckle spent ti dream o iss
Some I think are takin the piss

Aneuch’s aneuch I hear fowk cry
Will plans be passed on the sly?
Stewartie Milne ye maan be jokin
At thae designs fowk are boakin

We are telt they’ll aa fit
Wi Widdies plans fit are shit
Ti build ower the bonnie UTG
Please fae idiots lit us be free

If ye think ma creeticism ower the score
Jist myn fit’s geen on afore
St Nicholas Hoose an Union Square
It’s time ti shout nae mair! nae mair!

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”2010

Div Ye Myn

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing No Responses »

Dec 172010

By Bob Smith.

Div ye myn o’ Andrew Collies
Wi’ its waft o’ tea an’ coffee
Div ye myn o’ Thomson’s sweetie shop
Faar ye bocht aa kinds o’ toffee

Div ye myn o’ Cocky Hunter
Faar ye got maist onything
Div ye myn o’ Reid and Pearson
Weemin’s fashions they did bring

Div ye myn o’ Ledingham the bakers
Wi’ their restaurant up abeen
Div ye myn o’ the Princess Cafe
Faar ye looked oot ower the Green

Div ye myn o’ Aberdeen Motors
Faar ye bocht an Austin “Devon”
Div ye myn o’ Isaac Benzie
Faar yer mither wis in heaven

Div ye myn o’ Pat McGee the tailors
Faa kept ye weel turned oot
Div ye myn o’ Milne an’ Munro
Faar ye bocht a leather shoe or boot

Div ye myn o’ Matheson the butcher
Wi’ his shops aa ower the city
Div ye myn o’ the Aberdeen Savings Bank
If ye hid money in the kitty

Div ye myn o’ Paterson Sons & Marr Wood
Faar ye got a piano or an organ
Div ye myn o’ Gordon & Smith, the grocers
Faa selt spirits named Sandeman or Morgan

Div ye myn o’ yon Alexanders
Faar ye bocht bikes or radio sets
Div ye myn o’ Browns in Belmont Street
Faar ye got fishin’ rods an’ nets

Div ye myn o’ the weekly Bon-Accord
Wi’ its pages printed in green
Div ye myn o’ The Rubber Shop
Faa selt fitba’ beets an bowlers’ sheen

Div ye myn’ o’ aa the ither shops
We’ve lost – mair is the pity
Div ye myn o’ aa the pleasure
Fit wis in the centre o’ the city

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”

SNAW

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Dec 032010

By Bob Smith.

Here comes the affa bleedin snaw
Dingin doon – its flakes div fa
Aa aroon ye hear sic cas
Its cauld aneuch tae freeze yer bas

Its time tae weer yer winter woollies
If ye dinna wint tae lose yer goolies
An if its aneuch tae mak ye sweir
Mak sure the minister Disna hear

Ice maks ye skite aa ower the place
Ye nearly fa doon on yer face
Car drivers wi brains a bittie saft
Flee aroon at speeds gey daft

Kids – snawbas they like tae chuck
An mony a bodie his tae duck
Jist myn ye were eence young yersel
So fling some back then rin like hell.

Arise An Be Revoltin

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Creative Writing, Environment, Opinion No Responses »

Nov 192010

By Bob Smith.

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
It’s time ti be revoltin
Agin the destruction o oor city
Yer brains they need a-joltin

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
Show yer nae Widdie’s flunkies
This mannie treats us wi disdain
As tho’ we’re bliddy donkeys

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
An ask Sir Ian faar wis he
Fin the ship building an the fishin
They war jist allowed ti dee

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
We’re bein selt doon the river
Eence an SPV gets oor gairdens
They’ll aa be lost firivver

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
It’s time ti show yer mettle
Oppose the biggin ower UTG
Bring it back inti fine fettle

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
Afore it’s ower damn’t late
An aa oor sheepish cooncillors
Hand it awa upon a plate

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
Are ye lions or a wee moose
Stan up for aa oor heritage
Afore the diggers are let loose

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
Man the wa’s an the city gate
Afore ye ken faar we are
We‘ll hae become Trumpton State

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
Tak heid o aa these verses
An gie a skelp ti cooncillors lugs
Or kick them up their erses

A Fairy Story Or Horror Story?

Articles, Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 122010

A Fairy Story Or Horror Story? ….. By Bob Smith.

Warner Bros. brocht us “Looney Tunes”xx.i sx.xi.x Congestion chargin’ in the centre o toon
Cooncil offices produce some goony loonsxs .x.xi.x Noo wid iss be seen as a boon?
Aa iss blether aboot cuts an savinsxxxxxxxxxsxix Will it get fowk oot their cars?
Is the product o some madhoose ravinsxxxxxxxxx Mair chunce o aliens bein on Mars

They micht hae ti close oor parksxxxxxssxxxsxxxx Postponin buildin’ o the toon’s bypass
Nae mair gairdeners in sweaty sarksxxxxsxxxxixxx Iss micht be seen as a touch o class
The Winter Gairdens will be nae mairxxxxxxxfxixxx Bit spare a thocht for staff at Foresterhill
It’s aneuch ti mak ye pull yer hairxxxxxxfxxxsxxxx Iss idea wid mak a lot o fowk ill

Johnston Gairdens, a maist peacefu’ havenxxxisfxx Mergin’ the offices o City an Shire
Jist ti be seen by dyeuks an odd ravenxxxxxxiixfxx Wid raise some cooncil billies ire
Maybe aa the parks wid be infilledxxxxxxxxxixfxxsIt wid o coorse save rinnin’ costs
Will Stewartie Milne then start ti build?xxxixxxxfxxxBit a pucklie fowk wid lose their posts

Aul’ bodies will be in a tizzyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxiixx Ae benefit o merger we micht see
In fact they’ll aa be bliddy dizzyxxxxxxxxxiiixxiixxx Fae some looney cooncillors we wid be free
At the thocht o gettin’ less carexxxxxxxxxxxxxixx Bit if jist daft ideas is aa wi’ve got
Faa ivver thocht iss wid be fairxxxx xxxxxxixxxxx Then the haill damn’t lot hiv lost the plot

Marischal College nae doot protectedxxxxxxxxxxx ©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010
A bit o “sellie first” is bein’ detectedxxxxxxx
Aa aat money for new office gearxxxxxxx
Jist wait till I hae a wee bit sweirxxxxxxx

Hoosin Sprawl

Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 052010

By Bob Smith.

We’re biggin ower muckle hooses
In oor wee villages an toons
Nae for the local fowk ti bide
Bit fer incomer quines an loons

Ye see mair an mair developments
In Westhill they’ve fair gin mad
In placies like bonnie Cove Bay
It’s jist ivvery bit as bad

Fair saturated wi bricks an mortar
An cars aa aroon are fleein
It maks ye stop an wunner
At iss madness we are seein

We’re telt we need these hoosies
For fowk fa wint ti move up here
Nae word o aa the impact it’ll hae
We’ll be in sic an affa steer

We’re aa affected by iss disease
It’s name is hoosin sprawl malaise
It slowly creeps aa ower oor land
An we wait for it’s next phase

It canna be cured by a doctor
It can only be stopped by us
Fin ye hear o a hoosin application
Jist kick up a bliddy fuss

Faa Elected Yon ACSEF?

Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 292010

By Bob Smith.

Faa elected yon ACSEF?
Iss question is afen asked
Faa elected yon ACSEF?
It’s time oor brains wis tasked

Ti be on the board o ACSEF
Ye maan be fairly weel aff
Ye’ll nae get roon their table
Jist bein’ an ordinary nyaff

Faa elected yon ACSEF?
They tell us aa fit’s fit
We’re nae allowed ti question
Their spik, their drivel, their shit

Faa elected yon ACSEF?
Tom Smith is the main slugger
Faa elected yon ACSEF?
The answer is–nae bugger

They o’ coorse elected themselves
Oor economy ti gie a hike
Seems ti me they’re haein a spree
Deein’ fit they bliddy weel like

President! – Ye Canna Trump It

Articles, Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 222010

By Bob Smith.

The Donald’s thinkin’ o applyin’
Fir tenancy o the Fite Hoose
Total chaos in the Oval Room
If this mannie is lit loose

Trump ridin’ ti America’s rescue
Wi aa his bluff an bluster
Fowk wid see a resemblance
Ti yon General Geordie Custer

Noo Custer he wis beaten
Sittin’ Bull brocht him doon
Trump he’ll be defeated
Cos he’s a big buffoon

The voters in America micht ask
Fit credentials can ye accrue?
Oor Donald wid o coorse retort
A doctorate fae the RGU

Sittin’ in the Fite Hoose
Democrats gettin’ up his nose
I’ve got the verra idea
Jist issue some CPO’s

He’ll nae like the Iranians
The North Koreans he’ll dismiss
Some leaders like Evo Morales
Will be the first ti tak the piss

Trump wi finger on nuclear button
Shoutin’ warld here’s fit’s fit
Aah dammit ma digit’s slippit
Oh bugger it! Oh shit!!

The Former Principal’s Got Principles

Articles, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Oct 082010

By Bob Smith.

Hats aff ti David Kennedy
First principal o thon RGU
In hannin’ back his ain degree
Agin Trump he’s teen a view

Nae haudin’ back fae Dr Kennedy
Jist stracht an ti the pint
Trump’s nae the chiel fa’s heid
Wi mortar cap they should anint

Young fowk shouldna folla
Big Donald’s business practice
David Kennedy yer sic a star
Trump’ll be a bittie fractious

A former principal wi principles
Fit he’s nae willin ti compromise
Jist fair tells it as he sees it
Trump’s nae gweed the mannie cries

Noo a ye Trumpy hingers on
Jist listen here a wee file
Donald he’s bit a chuncer
David Kennedy he’s got style.

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