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Jurassic World – Andrew Watson Reviews

 Aberdeen City, Opinion  No Responses »
Jun 152015
 

The eagerly awaited Jurassic World is now in cinemas, almost fifteen years after Jurassic Park III. Aberdeen Voice’s Andrew Watson sized up this latest offering.

vuepicsqMaybe a dozen people tops came to Vue on Shiprow the morning of its release. You’d suppose that while many people were at work, there could be no telling how many geeks, including this reporter, would arrive in plenty time for the cinema doors to open.

Generally, there was some good suspense that you’d come to expect from this series of films. Evading the clamping jaws of a predator so narrowly you almost can’t bear to watch, sort of thing.

However, it could be said that the very teasing trailers this past few months were maybe better than the film itself.

Probably the key incentive to actually go and watch is to get more than just a fleeting glimpse of what the film calls the Indominus Rex, the film’s chief antagonist. A bit like what lured audiences into seeing the Godzilla-esque creature in Cloverfield a few years back.

It starts with Zach Mitchell (Nick Robinson) and his younger brother, Gray (Ty Simpkins), seeing their parents off at the airport. They’re visiting auntie Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard), who’s operations manager of a dinosaur theme park.

She’d promised her sister she would spend quality time with her nephews, but instead palms them off to her assistant. The latter proves not diligent enough, and the boys are left to themselves for the most part.

In the film, dinosaurs are widely regarded as old hat after the events of the previous three instalments. To maintain interest in the park, geneticists deem it necessary to genetically alter their makeup.

As an aside, notice the head of genetics, played by B.D. Wong, is the only recurring character in the film. You may remember a much younger version of him in the first Jurassic Park movie.

When the hybrid in question breaks loose from its enclosure, Chris Pratt, who starred in Guardians of the Galaxy, comes to the rescue as Velociraptor trainer, Owen Grady.

Although the island is being evacuated, Zach and Gray have waded into dangerous off road territory, in search of something more than the typical attraction.

This is a bit like the first film when everybody, bored with what little to sightsee on the planned tour, jumps out their vehicles to get a closer look at an ill Triceratops.

The comparisons to the previous films don’t end there.

The Mitchell brothers are then terrorised by the Indominus in their globular method of transport, called a ‘gyrosphere’. This is evocative of the Tyrannosaurus Rex tearing strips out of the tour jeep in Jurassic Park, as brother and sister struggle to evade its killer jaws.

Nothing can quite top the cliff edge scene in The Lost World, though. How did Jeff Goldblum and company escape that trailer in one piece, all hanging from a rope as it was tipped into the sea and rocks below?

You could add the Spinosaurus scenes in Jurassic Park III attacking the crashed plane lodged in the tree, and the boat in the water at the end.

Anyway, the film continues with conspiring forces, and additional antagonists. These profiteers seek the prehistoric carnivores as modern weapons of war.

Recurring in almost every film, these people are the lawyer in Jurassic Park, and the hunters and businessmen seeking to bring the ‘exhibits’ to the mainland in The Lost World.

This theme, if you will, is only tenuously made in Jurassic Park III via Dr Grant’s charge who tries to steal Velociraptor eggs for monetary reasons.

Closing Jurassic World, there’s a battle maybe even better than the one in the recent King Kong adapation, where the super simian takes on three Tyrannosaurs.

This sort of scene and theme repetition throughout the series is most welcome. Though some may consider it lazy, it could conceivably be regarded clever. Classical music repeats certain motifs, each time slightly modulated, to give shape, so why not in modern cinema?

Old Susannah No. 176 – Just Plane Stupid

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  2 Responses »
May 222015
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Dictionary

Tally ho! It’s been quite a week in the Granite City and wider world. Well done all you who voted Conservative!

The SNP is now on the move; not since the Covenanters has Scotland been so unanimous. A new Independence Referendum can’t be far off, so I hope you’ve all saved your ‘YES’ banners and Saltires.

Perhaps the best news is that nice Mr Farage tried to resign but they wouldn’t let him. Who else indeed could lead UKIP? Mr Fromage is indeed the man for the job, although I think they were considering a gay Romanian immigrant at one point.

That nice Mr Trump’s coyness and modesty were on display at the end of April. Well, on display in two obscure small legal notices in the back of the Evening Express.

I can’t imagine why, but the pre-application public consultations for a second golf course, 850 houses and 1900 leisure units, whatever they are, came and went with no publicity from the Press & Journal or the Evening Express. I suppose with stories vying for space, some minor issues like Trump building on the Menie Estate have to be overlooked.

‘Cow found in Field’, ‘Man wins Inverurie Rowie baking award’ and ‘three clothing stores may or may not open in Aberdeen’ trumped the Trump news. When alerted to these ads, I wrote to the contact address given for information. Sadly, the nice man hadn’t the time to get back to me. In fact he was too busy to get back to at least six other people who also wanted information in advance of the deadline in order to praise the scheme.

A cynic might think that the Trump organisation, spearheaded at Menie by the planning supremo, golf expert and beauty queen Mrs Sarah Malone Bates, were trying to sneak one over on us. But I’m sure it was just a case of not wanting to brag about these exciting plans that kept any news of them off the pages of AJL papers, except for those ads on the back of the EE.

I guess it’s now too late to get in your notes of praise for the scheme; it would be a pity if the Shire’s planning people thought that this lack of information were sufficient grounds to throw the exercise on the scrap heap. That would be just awful.

Despite having to re-write my original column ‘Hooray for the Liberal Democrat Landslide’, it’s been a great week. I’ve been part of the Aberdonian contingent at the Westworld Weekend in Crewe; the bands were Spear of Destiny, Theatre of Hate, Kirk Brandon acoustic, Folk Grinder and the Death Valley Surfers. The beer was just as impressive: bottles of Punk IPA AND BrewDog Abstracts Nos. 15, 16, 17 and 18. For some strange reason the bar ran out of Punk, I can’t imagine why.

Old Susannah extended her weekend with a night of Julian Cope at the Lemon Tree, where BrewDog also flowed. Cope’s a bit madcap and a bit behind the times. He joked that it would be good if those in power tried LSD. I’m pretty convinced most of them are tripping as it is.

When you’re having a great weekend, you want to prolong it. Therefore my sincere thanks to the guy who decided to have a cigarette in his plane’s toilet when my and other planes should have been landing at Aberdeen.

clearly he was a genius of some sort

What good sport it was to circle for an extra 30 or so minutes, to be told that a plane on the runway had smoke coming out of it, and that we might have to divert.

I had the great pleasure of seeing the suspect explaining himself to the six or so police who surrounded him as my flight finally filed through the airport. A woman PC was saying:

“You have been identified as the man who was smoking in your plane’s toilet.”

I wondered whether he were a famous movie star, international scholar, or perhaps even an ACSEF member. He must have been someone very important indeed who simply needed a smoke. His slightly dirty clothes, his stubbly chin, his knuckles dragging on the floor and his simian posture were just too good a cover; clearly he was a genius of some sort, disguised as a posturing, swaggering self-centred ignorant chav.

Then he spoke and in an instant I knew I was listening to an Einstein. He answered the woman PC thus:

“You’re kidding right?”

Old Susannah is only an amateur student of psychology and human behaviour, but I am reasonably certain the police weren’t kidding. They almost seemed angry for some reason, and they didn’t at all seem the Laughing Policeman kind.

She continued:

“I am not going to search you”

I suppose he must have previously baulked at that prospect,

“but one of my colleagues may want to. Empty your pockets.”

Again confirming my assessment of the man’s undeniable wit, and reaffirming my belief in his complete innocence he said:

“You’re kidding right?”

My own acting skills are little better than novice; but surely no one could have looked as perfectly innocent as this poor man. I’m sure he was set up. The faint whiff of cigarette smoke that was in the area surely had come from one of those policemen.

Then again, if someone as important as this man obviously is, needed a cigarette, then who are the Civil Aviation Authority, the police, Aberdeen Airport, several hundred people wanting to land, and a hundred people on his plane needing to travel to get in his way? I’d feel guilty if I’d inconvenienced our man.

Besides, imagine what a good adventure it must have been for those on his flight: to be airborne and smell smoke, and see it coming out of the plane’s toilet, just like it must have been for the doomed Canadian flight several years ago that started this unfair no-smoking on planes backlash.

It’s not as if anyone circling around was getting nervous with every new announcement that we might have to be diverted elsewhere, that a plane on the runway had to be evacuated and fire was involved.

No worries. It’s not as if anything terrible ever happens to planes or at airports. There weren’t any older people getting worried or upset; there were no stressed out ground crew. Just you and your smoke. Some people just can’t take a joke though, and as a second thought, maybe next time, if they let you fly again, you might want to look into this nicotine patch business.

And so, my sincere thanks to the as-yet unnamed 31-year-old man for giving me the thrill of a lifetime. Really, if I ever get the chance to repay your kindness, I’ll do so. A mention in my humble column will have to do for now. However, if I can find out who your employers are, I’ll be delighted to drop them a suitable commendation for all the fun you provided.

Also in the news there was an election. England wants five more years of David Cameron, and somehow failed to appreciate all that Nick Clegg’s done for them. Scotland wants the SNP.

The voting public has spoken. Some people are puzzled by some of the election outcomes and how votes metamorphose into fair, democratic representation in Parliament. As I’m one of those people, herewith some timely terms for those baffled by ballot box bamboozlement.

First Past The Post: (Modern Conservative compound Noun) A system of counting election results to allocate seats in the English Parliament.

I’m sure you’re as happy as I am at how the elections throughout the UK turned out. This is down to the exciting, but fair ‘first past the post’ voting system. It’s no more complicated than understanding how the Hadron Supercollider’s quest for the God Particle demonstrates that anti-matter underpins the known universe, why you never get all your socks back after doing a load of laundry, or the arbitrary nature of the offside rule, depending on who the ref is.

For those of you slower of wit, here is a bit of number crunching:a_fair_election_result_indeed

The sad thing is that there are some sore losers out there, who would change this system. Take for instance Electoral Reform UK. This band of brigands should be rounded up, and probably will be once that nice Mr Gove gets rid of this Human Rights nonsense, see below. Here is a quote from their radical website:

“[Most] people’s votes were essentially wasted. Of the almost 31 million people who voted on the 7th, 15.4 million voted for losing candidates. That’s 50% of voters who backed a candidate that didn’t win, making the vast majority of voters feel unrepresented. That doesn’t sound like democracy to most people.”

Talk about sour grapes. I’m sure we all feel well represented. If you want to contact Electoral Reform and tell them to leave well enough alone, you can do so here, which is also where you can sign their petition asking for electoral reform. But just ignore that bit.

Still, a system that would leave the beloved Liberal Democrats out in the cold can’t be fair. Old  Susannah is every bit as upset at the defenestration of the LibDems as you might think. Once the equal partners of Dave Cameron’s Conservatives, the chargers of tuition fees, and the slayers of the vermin roe deer, it’s sad to think these noble animals have been metaphorically shot between the eyes, just as they rightfully insisted was done to some 46 Tullos Hill Deer.

If I can stop sobbing into my LibDem logo-embroidered handkerchief long enough, I’ll send a consolatory email to Aileen HoMalone and ask her for a few words on this sad defeat. But back to the fairness of the system.

Special thanks should go to the 33% of UK residents eligible to vote who didn’t do so. It’s not as if getting the opinion of a third of the country’s voters could have made any real difference, not under First Past The Post anyway.

Thank you for staying home to watch the Heartbeat Omnibus, reruns of Neighbours, playing Grand Theft Auto 27 or whatever it was that kept you from spending ten minutes to pick the UK’s future direction. I’m sure those who didn’t bother to join in had very important reasons. Just like the reasons the important man had on that aircraft to smoke in the bathroom.

Human Rights Act: (Modern European Union compound noun) A declaration of inalienable freedoms each person should be entitled to, but never is.

As far as I can work out, this is some kind of wishy-washy left-wing Liberal law from 1998 that brought in the EU’s Human Rights declaration and enshrined it in UK law. It’s even supposed to make the NHS and the Police treat people as if they had rights, even people suspected of crime, just like that guy who smelled of smoke who came out of the plane’s toilet seen by many, who could only comment ‘You’re kidding right?’.

This has been problematic and a nuisance. It’s been implemented fully, as we can see in practice all around us.

We’ve got a war on drugs, a war on terror

The parents of Ashya King were arrested for taking their son for the successful medical treatment he had abroad, because the NHS swore out an arrest warrant.

The police officers who cleverly infiltrated various legal protest groups, sleeping with and impregnating women they pretended to love were only doing their job of course, but under Human Rights law, these women, who were probably criminals anyway, seem to be able to claim damages and child support.

There’s only so much a Conservative government can stand. They’re sending top gun Michael Gove in to correct this over-application of human rights. Any day now, all these freedoms we’re enjoying, like the right to protest the elections in London free from police harassment, may be a distant memory. Too right, too. We’ve got a war on drugs, a war on terror… there’s no room for sentimentality when it comes to breaking a few bones – sorry – breaking a few criminal gangs.

These rights include:

“These rights are: Right to life, right not to be tortured or subjected to inhumane treatment, right not to be held as a slave, right to liberty and security of the person, right to a fair trial, right not be retrospectively convicted for a crime, right to a private and family life, right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion, right to freedom of expression, right to freedom of assembly and association, right to marriage, right to an effective remedy, right not to be discriminated against, the right to the peaceful enjoyment of one’s property, and the right to an education. The Act also imposes a duty upon governments to provide free and fair elections.”

If you want to see how hard it is to be a police officer, and the kinds of things they have to put up with from protesters, here’s a little story. It may look like the police are harming citizens who are on the ground at a protest against the Tories, but I’m sure it’s just some form of massage therapy I’m not familiar with.

As if anyone would want to protest against the Tories: we’ve just elected them by a landslide. Apparently.

I get why our rulers want to get rid of this education nonsense and privacy stuff, but since we’ve already got a completely free and fair election system, surely they’ve no complaint on that score. So for those renegades and anarchists who enjoy these so-called rights, enjoy them while you can.

Next week: That’ll depend on whether or not the Conservatives continue to allow political satire.

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Westworld XIII – XI Out Of X

 Articles, Opinion  No Responses »
May 152015
 

Apologies to those who will (probably) castigate me (I’m used to it) for putting a piece in Aberdeen Voice which is arguably not strictly related to Aberdeen. I hope though that as AV has over the years carried pieces on everything from the history of instant coffee to UFOs that there is room for one more piece tenuously related to the granite city. It’s the absolutely infectious fandom of some Aberdeen music lovers that got me to this event last year, and while I wasn’t going to write a piece on this weekend concert, they asked me to. Turn away now if this piece offends you. Suzanne Kelly reports (unapologetically).

Kirk_Brandon_by_Sue_HarrisonIt isn’t British summertime without a few dozen music festivals.

(Dad) rock fans descend on Glastonbury for several (increasingly expensive and increasingly sanitised) days of events and bands; it’s become a bit like Marie Antoinette playing peasant at her pretend peasant village.

Punk fans converge at Blackpool for four days of ear-piercing, liver-damaging mayhem; sometimes forgetting the festival is over for a week or two after it’s closed (Dod this means you).

Classical music fans recline on blankets on Glyndebourne’s lawn, drinking champagne while Chopin hangs in the air (not literally). Fans of a different sort gather in Crewe for Westworld.

By all accounts this thirteenth Westworld was the best one so far. If it’s possible to have more fun on a £40 weekend ticket anywhere else in the world, I’d be surprised, and I’d definitely be in – let me know.

Westworld is a music festival featuring sets from Kirk Brandon, Theatre of Hate, Spear of Destiny, and support acts. There is something about the musicians and the fans that sets it apart from any other festivals; there is something of the crazy carnival feel-good party that the Grateful Dead and the Deadheads created, only without the LSD, hour long instrumentals, hippies or patchouli.

Westworld and its music is more intimate, friendly, frenzied, electric, gentle, dark, uplifting, and inspiring than anything else. This is not T in the Park.

Fans of Kirk Brandon, Spear of Destiny and Theatre of Hate from all corners of the world make their way to Crewe’s intimate performance space The Box. There is a faithful following from Aberdeen who go every year, and the ranks are swelling. Some people – notably longstanding Aberdonian fans Roddy Kennedy and Steve Watt – have already bought tickets for next year.

This year sold out in record time, and with fantastic video snippets and high praise floating around on Facebook, the demand for Westworld XIV is going exceed capacity. Two hotels for the (unofficial) 2016 dates 6 and 7 May have already sold out. Westworld XIV, I do believe, is going to need a bigger boat.

Here briefly is what we got. We few; we happy few.

The Family:
The Westworld weekend is a sort of family reunion (without the relatives you’d rather not see). Friendships were renewed and made; the conversations were lively and great fun. Musicians mingled with the crowds; if it was a chore or obligation for them, they hid it well. There were a few people down for the first time; they were introduced and welcomed. Strangers went for curry dinners with strangers, and emerged as friends.

Facebook friend requests were flying around nearly as much as the newly shot photos and videos. The newbies vowed to return next year; I know they will.

Aside from risking some serious bruising at the front of the stage, it was all comrades together; there will be people who appreciate this good humoured fellowship nearly as much as they do the music.

Masterpiece Theatre:
The Royal is the bar connected to the venue The Box; it began filling up with loud and happy voices hours before Theatre of Hate were to open the weekend’s bacchanalia on Friday night. Those who had previously met at Westworlds past greeted each other warmly as long lost friends do. Newcomers were welcomed and included in discussions about music, music, drink, football and music.

As if some unseen unheard signal had been given, everyone emptied out of the bar and upstairs to the weekend’s theatre of operations.

Theatre_of_Hate_by_Nic_AttwoodTheatre of Hate’s members are Kirk Brandon (guitar, vocals), Stan Stammers (bass), John Lennard (saxophone), Adrian Portas (guitar) and Danny Farrant.

The opening piece for Westworld was Do You Believe in the Westworld.

This wild west tinged song was flawlessly and energetically executed.. (It put me in mind of a soprano I know who opens her shows by singing Queen of the Night to show the audience just how strong a singer she is).

ToH recently released a stunning four track EP, Slave; their first new material for some time or so I understand. The song Slave is a hyponotic, intoxicating entrancing piece which was beautifully performed; it’s one of those pieces of music which makes you wish it went on for far longer than it does. In fact, the song order for the rest of the weekend is kind of a blur that comes and goes out of focus in my memory after this piece, which I can practically hear in my head now.

Also from the Slave EP is a powerful political piece Eyeless in Gaza. (Over a curry with a dozen fans later in the weekend we discuss Eyeless in Gaza and the need for musicians and artists to comment on the world’s problems. Over the naan bread we wonder about the freedom an artist has over their work if they’re independent as compared to being signed to a record label. We decided very few labels would have happily released and promoted works like Eyeless or Spear of Destiny’s newly-released single, Fascinations).

The set seemed to be over before we knew what hit us; everyone wanted more. But that was it for Friday.

Also on the weekend bill were two brilliant, individualistic support acts. The Death Valley Surfers provided speedy rockabilly punk (or something to that effect). Without much persuasion I picked up their CD ‘Last Dance Saloon’ which has a left of centre cover of Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues.

When Folk Grinder took the stage everyone sang along with them; and cries of ‘Heave Ho!’ bounced off the walls. This trio mixes folk, sea shanties rock and commentary with great effect. Kirk Brandon has produced their new album, The Devil’s Mariner; a single has been uploaded to youtube, which you’ll find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dJdt8PGock&feature=youtu.be .

Kirk Brandon Acoustic Set:
Accompanied by a cellist and keyboard artist Steve Jones, Saturday afternoon’s performance was elegant. This was music to tame the most savage of punk breasts. Roddy and I stood near the merchandise stall. A man on my other side and I started talking before the set; he was from Newcastle and he was built like a particularly large rugby player.

After Kirk’s performed ‘I’m So In Love With You’ the guy turned to me and commented:

“That’s given me goose bumps that has.”

Him and a few hundred other people. Sam Sansbury’s cello brought a warmth giving some of the music new nuances; the keyboards were nearly as expressive as Brandon’s voice and playing. This set probably deserves a full in-depth review on its own. Suffice it to say if someone had dropped a pin we’d have heard it. The audience was rapt. Here’s to next year’s acoustic set.

Spear of Destiny:
Spear went onstage Saturday night a little past 10pm. In a set which must have stretched every musician to heroic proportions, an hour and a half set ended in a frenzied fever.

SoD took us everywhere. Early on we heard ‘Walk in my Shadow’ – classic, upbeat traditional rock and roll (Brandon had performed this live on Jools Holland’s radio show some months back; hearing it again was great and great fun). A good portion of material from the (deservedly acclaimed) album XXXI got an airing; my own favourites the uplifting, rejuvenating Here Comes The Sun and Sputnik were remarkable.

This version of Sputnik had an interesting percussion treatment; another reminder why live music can and should throw up surprises subtle and large (the larger ones were still to come). Fascinations, the newly-released single began to steer the set towards darker, deep emotions. Also from XXXI were Failure and Delusion.

‘You could be anything in this life, but you chose every time falling down’ ‘This is the sorry state of our life’ ‘The sunlight’s a happy place, but I guess you wouldn’t know’ – we were in dark waters for a while, with Brandon remarking to the effect ‘this ends the happy part of the show’.

Brandon_and_Adams_photo_Nic_AttwoodThe gears switched violently and swiftly; ‘Once in her Lifetime’ was captured on video by Roddy; as he filmed it he said ‘well, that’s me completely satisfied then.’

He and I briefly said in between songs of course that we were nearly done in just from standing and watching; how anyone could play/sing/drum for this length of time with such precision and power was beyond us.

It wasn’t exactly freezing cold in the Box, and the small overhead fans did little more than mock us.

Perhaps one of the things Brandon’s writing does best is to highlight political and social ills. The video for ‘Fascinations’ features images of bondage and abuse, with the face of a known serial abuser (eyes covered with a black bar) as Brandon sings about power, abuse, degradation and anorexia, leaving you asking more questions about society than can be answered.

Further, and particularly timely social commentary came with ‘Playground of the Rich’ a contrast of the privileged and those who were born to serve them ‘Playground of the rich, you know it’s – it’s kind of sick’ was sung by the audience with a fair amount of understanding. The anti-war anthem Mickey likewise was sung by everyone in the room.

I find myself hoping there will be more social commentary/protest music coming from Brandon at some future point; somehow I am sure there will be.

The venue was filled with energy, cheering, screaming and singing. More was to come. It seemed like seconds later we were all singing along to Rocket Ship. We are at a party; no one wants this to end; no one can figure out where they’re getting the strength to continue with. And then a surprise special guest arrived on stage – Alan St Clair.

World Service pleased absolutely everyone; the entire room was singing every line by this point. The final encore was Liberator and all the players took to the stage. Stanley Stammers shared a mic with Craig Adams; John Lennard’s sax added to the absolute frenzy that had broken out everywhere. Limbs and heads pitched up and down in the pit and I was glad to be far from this mad crowd (a few bruises and bumps are no longer my idea of a great souvenir).

Wrapping up:

That this has been a carefully, precisely, thoughtfully considered weekend is not lost on anyone. Theatre, Spear, Folkgrinder, Death Valley Surfers – each person involved in bringing off this huge success of a weekend deserves serious respect (particularly Vince Davey, who must have nerves of steel). As to Adrian Portas’ guitar; his solos never cease to amaze the audience, and it looks effortless; I remember someone poking me in the ribs during one such passage to ensure I was getting it. I was.

If you were there, you won’t forget this weekend any time soon

Stan Stammers has truly thrilled the crowd and seems perpetually smiling ear to ear. Steve Jones was perfection for the acoustic session and in Spear; offstage, he was chatty, friendly, and witty.

Craig Adams is a formidable presence and player; I still can’t reconcile the man’s soprano/falsetto vocals with his physical presence. The lynchpin of the weekend is Kirk Brandon; he’s brought 30+ years’ worth of material spanning several acts to us with emotion and energy. That voice. That playing. There is no other combination of people and musical elements that resembles what’s happened here this weekend; it was Avengers Assemble.

If you were there, you won’t forget this weekend any time soon. If you weren’t, best try and get a ticket for next year.

Want to get something of the flavour of what it was like? Get to Facebook or Youtube and find some footage; there is plenty about.

Don’t take my word for it:

Many people feel this year’s event was the best ever; social media sites are filled with fans singings its praises. I’d only been once before, but I’ll agree with the majority that this had to be a new benchmark.

Kirk Brandon posted on Facebook:

“Arguably the best ‘Weekend at Westworld’ ever. The finale to the whole weekend last night at the 100 Club, London. Thank you every single one of you who came! A weekend to remember. Kirk”

Koozie Johns of the remarkable Folk Grinder said:

“I would say that WESTWORLD is an experience like no other. so much love for a common cause the love of great music good people and a lot of respect. Folk Grinder are produced by Kirk Brandon and it is an honor to work we such a legend.”

WW is not strictly a boys’ club either as some might assume; new fan, first-time attendee Cheryl Cotterill said:

“[I was] recently introduced to spear of destiny and thoroughly enjoyed the atmosphere and the dedication Kirk has to his music.”

Of the Aberdeen attendees, Roddy Kennedy said:

“Ever since I first saw Kirk Brandon’s Spear of Destiny play at the Capitol back in 1985,I’ve tried my best to see them as much as possible and they never disappoint, I’ve seen them play in venues like the Capitol right down to an upstairs room in a Dundee pub with no more than 20 people including the band, the one constant being Kirk Brandon who never seems to give less than 101% to his performance.

“I’d heard about Westworld Weekend a few years back but never had anyone else who’d commit to a weekend of all things Spear of Destiny/Theatre of Hate to go down with,by strange coincidence one of my friends Steve had also fancied the pilgrimage down to Crewe where it’s been held for over a decade.

“Anyway that was back in 2013 and within minutes of the opening song to their first set Steve and I had made our minds up that we were coming back, just an amazing atmosphere in good company, every year has gotten better and better and I’ve yet to see any trouble there, just rock n roll in its purest”

Steve Watt said:

“There is something about TOH/SOD fans that come here that makes it so special, three years ago me and Roddy were WW virgins, but was taken in by the most wonderful ppl you could meet even before we left the hotel to go to the venue. After the first song a cover of Joy Divisions Transmission, we turned around to each other and said we’re back next year.

“I can’t think of any band, except New Model Army have a near cult following like this, and go camping together, drive from all over the country just to meet up for nights out, even if no bands are involved, yes we do like a party. It doesn’t matter wherever everyone comes from, there is no animosity and everyone looks after everyone else.

“Of course it helps that the music is amazing, and Kirk Brandon does try and mix it up every year, and every year I say that it can’t get any better but it does, this one though will take some beating…”

And Phil Beefy Bergin said:

“All I’ll say about Westworld is it was very emotional spent with wonderful people.”

On a personal note:

I’d firmly planned not to write a Westworld review for several reasons. First, I will now confess that since starting (quite late in the game admittedly) to see Theatre, Spear and Kirk Brandon acoustic shows, I’m a biased convert (and I’ve grown respect and fondness for all concerned). I’d question my own objectivity but for the fact every single attendee and musician who I spoke with thinks that all the bands we saw were strikingly, undeniably on top form.

Whether or not this belongs in Aberdeen Voice may be open to debate, but I’d argue that it’s the passion and devotion of Aberdonian fans like Steve and Roddy that help make Westworld such a unique animal, and which drew me in in the first place. I also wasn’t going to spoil my fun by having to write a review; I can’t now remember the last time I’ve tried to have a holiday without some kind writing project being involved or arising.

However, the fact is this weekend demands to be written about. Not to write about what we experienced in Crewe would be like a UFO spotter watching a volcano explode with spaceships landing without bothering to write about it. So, either skip this little review if it’s not for you or thanks for bearing with me.

More:

You’ll find some Westworld photos, comments and video here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sod.toh.fans/

Folkgrinder – https://www.facebook.com/folkgrinder?fref=ts

Death Valley Surfers – https://www.facebook.com/DeathValleySurfers?fref=ts

Aberdeen 3 St Mirren 0 – Pittodrie Stadium 21.02.15

 Opinion, Sport  No Responses »
Feb 222015
 

Ex-Buddie Kenny McLean helped Aberdeen romp to victory against St Mirren at Pittodrie, remarks Voice reporter Andrew Watson.

pittodrie2The weather was mild and clear, but not as warm as one would think looking out the window prior to heading out to the game. Early on it seemed the Saints were going to make life difficult for the Dons.

They pressed the home side toe to toe and ball for ball, leaving little room for any creativity – a bit like Motherwell under Stuart McCall a few seasons back; lots of pressure, dominating and hard to match.

This, however, did not last long and Aberdeen soon found their rhythm.

A McLean corner found the head of Adam Rooney. The resulting ball was cleared off the line.  Mark Reynolds then tested the keeper, who responded well.  However, the ball came to McLean, again.

His back-heel found the feet of Peter Pawlett. Andrew Considine then added the decisive touch to the sequence, heading across goal for Rooney to bundle in.

1-0 Aberdeen with a goal 21 minutes in!

Before the break, there was much dominance from the home side. Despite this, St Mirren had some chances too. In other words, both sides failed to capitalise.

Come the second half though, it only took Aberdeen a few minutes to further their lead.

Niall McGinn did a power of work on the wing, but the ball delivered was slightly overcooked. It took McLean to bring it into a more fortuitous area. Rooney completed his brace, again from close range, after 48 minutes.

2-0 Aberdeen!

Reynolds was then in receipt of McGinn’s corner cross after 66 minutes.

3-0 Aberdeen with a header!

Pawlett came off for David Goodwillie two minutes later. Lawrence Shankland came on for Rooney, who really should’ve scored a hat-trick by that point, at 77 minutes.  Willo Flood was then swapped for Barry Robson on the 84 minute mark.

One Saint who deserves a mention would be veteran and stalwart, Jim Goodwin. Perhaps not for the right reasons, though. He skied an attempt on goal, as his team pressed hard for a deserved solitary consolatory goal. No luck, Buddie.

“There’s only one Jim Goodwin, one Jim Goodwin!”

Or so the Red Army sang. Good stuff from the men in red, though I dare say they’re missing Jonny Hayes. Though assisting both Rooney’s goals, we’re yet to see the best of McLean, too.

Final score:  3-0.

Old Susannah No. 171 – Still All Loved up

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  9 Responses »
Feb 122015
 

Following on from last week’s Valentine’s Day themed column, Old Susannah is still feeling the love. After all, this is Aberdeen. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryTally ho! The Deen is awash in romance; you can smell it in the air. Then again, that might just be a nasty whiff coming in from the sewerage plant.

In major news, it seems that civilisation may not end if we don’t build a glass office building next to Marischal College. Millions of jobs were to go, connectivity would be lost, and we’d lose our vibrant and dynamic edge that our planners have worked so hard for a decade or so to give us. However, it seems that protestors may interfere with our modern progress. After all, when has the city ever ignored protestors before?

We can’t thank our planning supremos enough for making us the 2014 Carbuncle Award Winner. Surely now that we’ve got this award, the city of culture award can’t be far behind.

I’m sure the awards will start flooding in, just like all those extra tourists clogging the roads from the airport to Trump Links and MacLeod House.

In fact, with all the good feeling and love in the air, here’s a few affectionate definitions.

Mutual Admiration Society: (English Compound Noun) An assembly of like-minded groups or people to share affection and respect.

It would have been enough to restore anyone’s faith in human nature; I’m sorry my invite was somehow lost in the post. But this past week, Donald Trump, Aberdeen Journals Ltd, Damian Bates, and other journalism superstars got together to pat themselves on the back, and sing the praises of journalism today.

It was hugs and kisses all ‘round when 60 business leaders (<swoon!>) got together to sing the praises of the Scottish Newspaper Society.  These respected figures included Trump, as well as a few respectable figures from quangos and some nice banking VIPs.

And what do businessmen like most about our newspapers? Is it for impartiality, for thorough, unhindered, unbiased investigative journalism? Here’s what The Donald said:

“I’ve had my battles with the Scottish press and seen my fair share of tough headlines, but the impact of advertising in the Scottish media – particularly The Press and Journal and Evening Express – can’t be underestimated,”
– http://www.thedrum.com/news/2015/02/09/donald-trump-joins-scottish-business-figures-backing-campaign-scotlands-newspapers

What do the executives value? Advertising. What more can you want from a newspaper? Absorbency, I suppose.

That the Scottish Newspaper Society sought Trump’s endorsement doesn’t make the group  look at all uninformed, star-struck, advertising-starved or parochial.  After all, Trump does get into the papers now and then. In the rest of the world, it’s for reasons such as failing golf clubs, bankruptcy,  links to organised crime, lawsuits and environmental damage. But that’s just negative nit-picking by The Haters.

Here, executives, newspapers and little people like us love him because he flies into town and has a red carpet when he lands. It’s because he hired our local sweetheart Sarah Malone Bates and used her extensive golf and real estate experience to forge our boring coastline into something else. And not what has he given us? Billions of pounds, millions of jobs, put us on the map, and of course the world’s best golf course ever. Really.

Any battles he’s had with the Scottish press have sadly either faded from my ageing memory, or have not been with the Press & Journal: I wonder why? I guess love is blind.

You can see the full list of business figures backing Scottish newspapers on the Scottish Newspaper Society website – that will keep you busy for many happy hours.  Aberdeen Chamber of Commerce, Small Business Federation, Trump, etc. etc.: This is a mutual admiration society like no other.

COMPETITION TIME: How many organisations on this list have links to ACSEF? Answers on a (large) postcard; winner gets a BrewDog or a P&J – their choice.

And what does a paper do to earn this lavish praise from otherwise neutral billionaire Donald Trump? What kinds of riveting articles command his respect? What incisive slants on local stories are we being served up this week? Old Susannah is happy to serve up some examples.

“Aberdeen store could be turned into 5 smaller stores.” 

We’ll remember where we were when we heard this story.

And then if you want a good laugh (even if it’s at the victim’s expense), we had:

“Man found guilty of putting face in woman’s cleavage”

As the story advised:

“A MAN who clamped his mouth to a stranger’s chest during a night out has been ordered to carry out 150 hours of unpaid work. Remigiusz Zdziech was found guilty of putting his face in a woman’s cleavage while on a night out.

“The victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, felt “distressed and shaken” by the incident. Zdziech, 28, denied the offence but was found guilty.”  

I guess  what one paper describes as ‘putting face in woman’s cleavage/clamping a mouth to a stranger’s chest’ is what some of the rest of us might be tempted to call a sexual assault and leave the specifics out of it to spare the victim any further distress – but there you go. If it’s good enough for Damian Bates to publish, then it’s good enough for us to accept without question.

And yet somehow Old Susannah can’t help but feel there is just the slightest hint of sexism in the writing. But I’m just a silly old woman anyway.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: (English saying) – belief that being away from loved ones makes them love you more.

Never was a saying more true than this past week when our former Chief Executive Valerie Watts decided to play  hard to get. Our former leader was to have been questioned at a hearing into the letter sent out last year, wherein it was stated that the city council wanted to stay in the Union. Everyone missed Valerie tremendously. If anyone could have given an honest and complete explanation, it would have been her.

Indeed, when it comes to her honesty, it is beyond question by miles. And here’s just a small sample of why that’s so.

So what kept her from her beloved former city? In her current job in Belfast, the Permanent Secretary had invited her to a meeting. Picture how conflicted and torn she must have been! Choosing between a meeting with her new lovely boss and her old love of Aberdeen. Some say she could have chosen to meet the Permanent Secretary another time (perhaps for movie and a meal – not to rush into anything of course), and come here to see us. But she chose to make us wait.

We will be waiting, Valerie. The whole hearing has been kicked into the long grass by this femme fatale with her natural looking suntan and honest smile. Let’s hope next time she’s supposed to appear at a hearing on this matter she doesn’t have a pedicure or facial planned instead. See you soon Valerie. We’ll wait.

Erotic Love: (Compound English Noun) Form of affection or desire which is sexual in nature

What could say ‘I love you’ more than a few lashes with a leather cat ‘o nine tails? What says ‘I care’ more than a complicated set of ropes and pulleys? How best to demonstrate the ties that bind you to someone than by tying them up?

You won’t be aware of this due to the lack of hype, advertising and promotion, but a romantic film is about to hit the big screen (in a non-violent, loving sort of way). Fifty Shades of Gray is coming (ahem) to a cinema near you soon. Is it (as I already suggested on Facebook – sorry) just money for old rope? No, this spanking new spanking film is set to change how the middle classes do DIY.

Hard to believe, but I’m told the film is even more riveting than the dialogue in the book. I’d go see it myself, but I’m a little tied up right now.

Don’t worry though – it can’t possibly lead to any further lack of respect to women. How could it?

Have fun all you B&Q-ers; best get down to the superstore before they run out of winches, pulleys, rope, cord and chains. Say good bye to spontaneity with a few DIY projects that will have that spare bedroom all decked up as if it were a haunt of Jeffrey Archer’s.

But what happens when you and your beloved eventually fall out and have an argument? Will you feel stupid, used, creepy, lame, ashamed, cheap, weird? Of course not – off you’ll go to your mini-dungeon locked room, and the dominant one will be pulling the strings once more.

I’m sure no one will ever carry this too far, get hurt or need to call the fire department and the sanitation services. Have fun, and remember, love isn’t dead. It’s just gagged, blindfolded  and trussed up somewhere.

Happy Valentine’s Day all.

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Old Susannah No. 170 – Valentine’s Special

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  2 Responses »
Jan 302015
 

Suzanne Kelly aka Old Susannah gets to grips with Grampian’s great and good, and with St Valentine’s Day just around the corner, her soft and sympathetic side is coming to the fore. Or maybe not. Can’t you just feel the love?

DictionaryWell, it’s official now: Aberdeen City and Shire ARE ON THE MAP! This is for several reasons. It’s not because we’re home to BrewDog, the UK’s fastest-growing drinks company (and arguably the most fun drinks company anywhere). It’s not even because we might set the tone and build a granite web (keep dreaming Messrs Wood, Smith and Crosby, you never know).

We got on the map mainly because Donald Trump came to our humble backwater. But the latest developments are even more exciting than that! Alex Salmond is writing a column for the Press & Journal AND famous people came here the other weekend! Result!

As to this new column, it’s riveting stuff. Did you know he loved his mum? He’s written a column about it.

It’s in no way reminiscent of when an X Factor contestant seeks sympathy with a sad story before singing badly. He’s also sharing a few likes and dislikes. I’m sure the honourable member will one of these days come and visit the people in his constituency at the Menie Estate – it’s just a matter of priorities.

Columns don’t write themselves you know; it’s hard work for a budding writer on his own to make it in the journalism world. It’s awfully good of the P&J to give this novice a break; I wonder if it was just the goodness of the collective Aberdeen Journals Ltd’s hearts – or if there were any other factors involved in signing young Alex up to pen his thoughts? I wonder.

But that’s only the half the reason we’re on the world’s radar now: did you know someone from Oasis and a fashion model actually came to Aberdeenshire for a party?

Well, if not, where have you been? It’s the story everyone’s talking about (well, after fracking, Muse at Marischal College, pollution and other boring subjects). Apparently someone threw a party and… people came up north from down south. To hear Aberdeen Journals tell it it’s the best thing since bunting:

“Kate Moss and Nick Grimshaw party in Craigellachie… That’s right, you read it correctly!”

Yes, that’s right: you DID read it correctly! Well done! I hope you’ve not fainted with the excitement of this revelation if you’re only reading it here for the first time. Apologies. (And if one of you could be so kind as to send me a message and let me know who Nick Grimshaw is and what he does, thanks in advance).

Watch and download the Craigellachie video here, for your and your grand children’s future viewing pleasure:

Anyway, moving on…It’s not Valentine’s day just yet; but as the supermarkets are already piling the Easter eggs on the shelves, there’s no time to lose. Tally ho!

Perhaps love and romance deserve a few definitions at time of year. A cynic might think that St Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a marketing ploy. Let’s look to our betters and see if we can learn anything about affection, admiration, and maybe even love.

To Reconcile: (English verb) Renew a friendship or a love; to recover lost affection and love.

There is one power couple that I hope will soon reconcile. These are two people, meant for each other, sharing the same loves, dreams and ambitions. It would be a huge loss if they can’t rekindle what they once had. So Alex Salmond, in case you missed it: Donald Trump ‘Still Likes and Respects You.’ Or so says the Press & Journal – and if ever The Donald will be quoted accurately, rest assured it will be in the paper his Scottish Vice President’s husband edits.

In mid 2014, Trump said of Alex:

“I disagree with him on one element, I’ve had moments in life when I’ve been very friendly with him and I do respect him, but I disagree with him on wind. [Old Susannah wonders if they got this wind from all the champagne they drank with their steak dinners in New York]. 

I think there are other great forms of energy but wind is becoming obsolete. I disagreed with him on that, other than that, I like him. I told that to someone the other day, I actually like Alex Salmond but I have to fight him. I’ve created a masterpiece and I don’t want to see it hurt by a very, very foolish technology that’s obsolete.” 
https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/aberdeenshire/274163/donald-trump-still-likes-respects-alex-salmond/

Presumably the very foolish technology that’s obsolete is not the printed newspaper.

I suppose when two people are deeply involved – what with wining and dining in the finest hotels either side of the Atlantic – their passions will sometimes lead to heated arguments. However, now that Alex is writing a column for the Press & Journal, he’ll have lots more opportunities to let people connected to Trump know that he likewise wants and needs to get back together.

Let’s wish the couple a happy reconciliation. Trump did go on in the P&J article about taking a position on Salmond’s independence drive, and what would or would not be appropriate for Trump to do about it – but lest the imagery be too heady for some readers, I’ll not dwell on the idea of Trump taking a position on Alex.

Perhaps the taxpayer should step in – again – and send the two flying off to a 5 star hotel in New York or elsewhere where they can enjoy yet another evening of drink and fine food. Perhaps there’s some other SSSI site we can give Trump on a silver platter as well.

Anniversary Gifts: (Modern English compound noun) A list of gifts couples are meant to exchange on different wedding anniversaries.

In January 2013 the power couple of the year tied the knot. Yes, Damian Bates married 2007 Face of Aberdeen Sarah Malone. Why the two didn’t have their nuptuals announced in Aberdeen Journals Ltd – and why Sarah didn’t make the Bride of the Week page – is a mystery. But then love works in mysterious ways. I personally think they didn’t want us mere mortals to be jealous of their union.

Last year by tradition they would have exchanged anniversary gifts made of paper – but I guess Damian had already given Sarah a gift in the form of paper – the Evening Express and P&J to be specific. The modern gift would have been made of plastic for that first anniversary; but no doubt there was already enough plastic in the mix as it was.

The alternative gift for a first year of wedded bliss is to exchange clocks. However, at Sarah’s day job at Trump’s Menie Estate, there are already some small, discrete, tasteful clocks on the landscape. Even better, they all seem to tell different times – doubtless the couple count the hours until the next Trump advertising revenue comes in and the next pro Trump advertorial is put to bed. Isn’t love grand?

This year the happy couple are meant to exchange cotton. Again, that ship has sailed, for they have both cottoned on a number of years back.

Online Dating: (Modern English noun) means of using electronic communications and computing to find a potential partner based on compatibility.

Do pity us poor single people; I spend all my time crying in my Hagen daas, wondering what to do with myself, fearing I’ll wither away as a wallflower spinster. Some singles join church groups, some take tango lessons, some take out classified ads. All are desperate to find that certain someone to go to Union Square with on a Saturday, then to stroll hand in hand through the paint thinner section of B&Q with on a Sunday. Let’s face it – you have to be in a couple to be anybody.

Single or married, if we were to be honest with ourselves, men and women are looking for some very basic, important things from a relationship. Money and looks.

You can exchange Tinder feelings to complete strangers and meet up in a back booth of the Chester Hotel to compare bank balances and plastic surgery results. But those who are in the know and in the dough cut to the chase and visit website ‘Seeking Arrangements’.

This is a dignified, personal site that pairs up rich men with poor, good-looking (and for some reason usually younger) women. The women in question, while working nights to put themselves through medical school and supporting their sick mothers no doubt, need a little financial assistance. Girls dating rich men is of course nothing like girls selling themselves for money.

Today’s smart successful girls are free to seek out sugar daddies and ask them to contribute a wee bit to keep them in Jimmy Choos and Tiffany bracelets. In return the men get the satisfaction of working closely with younger people and helping out the next generation – they wouldn’t want anything else for their money from beautiful young women, would they?

I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a romantic way to find the bank account of your dreams if you’re a liberated woman (who looks good of course). And if you’re a rich, hard-working man, it’s likely the wife doesn’t appreciate you, and for a bit of money and jewellery, you can get in a few hours of appreciation on the side. Someone to listen how the wife doesn’t understand, to take walks in the park with, perhaps to do the crossword together.

Or something.

For whatever reason, some people object to sexually objectifying men or women. They even nearly stopped the Sun’s Page 3 models for a day or two!

And that would have been bad for the circulation. Such people are called Feminists. They are almost always unattractive and old. Some of the former Sun models took time out from their busy careers to make witty tweets about those who object to Page 3. Rhian Sugden said:

“It’s only a matter of time before everything we do will be dictated by comfy shoe wearing… No bra wearing… man haters.”

But I digress.

Back to the subject of ‘Seeking Arrangements’ I hope no ‘bra-wearing, men-haters’ think there is anything wrong with such a set-up. It’s not as if it objectifies women, glorifies youth and beauty and commodifies these traits.

One final word on the subject. There are some taboos that should not and must not be broken. It’s acceptable for a rich old man to buy – sorry to help out a poorer, beautiful girl. That’s one of the things we like so much about Mr Trump for that matter. They’re called ‘sugar daddies’ – such a cute nickname, with nothing remotely unpleasant about the ‘daddies’ bit.

But we can all agree that an older woman, however rich, has no business around younger men. Cougars are just unacceptable. Happy to have cleared that up.

It’s so refreshing we had a women’s rights movement, even if it was a long time ago and it’s largely forgotten. For the life of me I can’t think what people like Emma Watson are getting so worked up about. Men may earn more than women, but as websites like Seeking Arrangements show, we’re all really just looking for that person out there who shares our values.

Good luck girls – but be warned: you may have to at some point hold your sugar daddy’s hand. Or something. Still, think of the money.

Cultural Speed Dating: (Modern Aberdonian quango phrase) A matchmaking service for rich patrons and poor artists and makers to get together.

In the same way that the idea of ‘Seeking Arrangements’ gives us a warm feeling, the concept of Cultural Speed Dating is nearly as heart-warming. I wonder what clever person came up with this marvellous idea?

Poor impoverished artists can come and throw themselves at people with money in a bid to get funding. It’s a speed dating set up which gives artists the respect they deserve – a chance to beg for money from the rich in a small space of time.

Culturally speaking, the marriage between the rich, the government, and those artists who either are desperate for success/money – or who are keen to get into bed (as it were) with the powerful is as moving as when Romeo and Juliet first spoke. And that turned out just fine.

Aside from money and fame, any real artist worth their salt wants to be guided by the patronising hand of the people with money.

What can be more important for a visionary than learning to be more commercially acceptable? The people in government who hand out grants know what art they want, and if you want their money, you’ll give them what they want. The wealthy private patron has their own ideas as well too, and the ideas of the rich trump the ideas of the talented. What’s a little compromise now and then if you’re a creative?

Old Susannah was told of a foolish portrait painter who some years back took a commission from a retired wealthy man for a group painting. When the painting was nearly done, the man’s wife told the artist to leave the painting unsigned, so that she could sign it herself later.

What do you think the ungrateful artist did? He said no.

Only with slightly different words. The painter lost out on money. If you’re an artist, I hope you’ll learn something from this little anecdote before the next Cultural Speed dating comes along. I’m sure 5 to 10 minutes is enough time to explain your artistic vision to someone with a chequebook – and if not – just let them do the talking instead.

We can’t just have people going around creating art or literature that the rich folks won’t enjoy, can we?

Next week: I’ll tell you that I love my family, and what tragedies I’ve been through. Or I may update you on what Police Scotland’s been up to (or not been up to for that matter).

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Hebridean Sightings Soar For Harbour Porpoises

 Environment, Featured, Information  No Responses »
Jan 302015
 

(small) Minke next to SIlurian-Kerry Froud HWDTWith thanks to Richard Bunting.

Harbour porpoise sightings off Scotland’s west coast increased by 25 per cent in 2014 compared to the previous year while sightings of basking sharks unexpectedly fell by 33 per cent, during marine research expeditions carried out by Hebridean Whale and Dolphin Trust.

The charity’s extensive research also revealed dramatic evidence of a shark attack on a member of an endangered group of killer whales thought to be the UK’s only resident population of orca.

The latest studies were carried out in a research season lasting from May to October last year, and form part of the trust’s unique long-term monitoring of whales, dolphins and porpoises – collectively known as cetaceans – in the Hebrides. The surveys also collect data on basking sharks.

Kerry Froud, Biodiversity Officer at Hebridean Whale and Dolphin Trust, said: “Our findings add to knowledge about cetacean distribution, abundance and habitat use in Scotland’s western seas – and allow us to make informed recommendations to protect these remarkable species.

“This pioneering research is vital for effectively conserving the world-class biodiversity of these waters – and for securing the long-term future of spectacular cetaceans and iconic basking sharks.”

The trust’s teams of marine scientists and volunteers encountered 574 groups of harbour porpoises during 2014 – a 25 per cent increase in the rate of sightings compared to 2013. Reasons for this increased sighting rate – of up to eight groups per 100 kilometres surveyed – may include conducive weather and calm seas, making the unobtrusive porpoise easier to detect.

Hebridean Whale and Dolphin Trust has previously discovered that the Hebrides hosts one of Europe’s highest densities of the harbour porpoise, the UK’s smallest cetacean – but Scotland still has no protected area for this species as required under European Union directives.

Basking shark sightings fell by 33 per cent from the previous year to 16 encounters – showing a trend of decreasing sightings of the world’s second biggest fish in the area over recent years.

This does not necessarily indicate a reduction in population size – as possible explanations include a shift further offshore in the distribution of plankton, the sharks’ favourite food. The distribution of plankton within the water column will also dictate where basking sharks are feeding – which means they may still be present, but not feeding at the surface.

Notable highlights during 2014 included two separate encounters with what is believed to be the UK’s only known resident population of killer whales – five males and four females known as the West Coast Community.

(small) John Coe bite mark- Kerry Froud-HWDTThis small, isolated population of orca has never produced offspring since studies began, raising fears that it faces imminent extinction.

Evidence of drama emerged when one of the group’s males – known as John Coe – was observed with a large area of his tail fluke missing.

Consultations with experts suggest that this was almost certainly the result of a shark attack.

Another outstanding close encounter featured minke whales riding in the bow-wave of the trust’s research yacht Silurian. This was unexpected as minkes are usually elusive and shy of boats.

In July, an individual minke approached Silurian with what appeared to be blue plastic strapping wrapped round and embedded in the front of its head – a stark reminder of people’s impact on the marine environment. The crew was unable to disentangle the whale.

Cetacean entanglement in fishing gear and litter can cause mobility problems, injury and even slow and agonising death. Other human activities causing increasing stress on cetaceans and basking sharks include fisheries bycatch, climate change, pollution, underwater noise and habitat damage.

Silurian – previously used in the filming of the BBC’s The Blue Planet series – covered more than 4,500 nautical miles during 2014, equivalent to crossing the North Atlantic three times. It surveyed to the Saint Kilda archipelago – the remotest inhabited part of the British Isles – twice, rounded the Mull of Kintyre to the south and reached Cape Wrath, mainland Britain’s most north westerly point.

In total, the surveys recorded more than 1,400 encounters with cetaceans and basking sharks, and recorded almost 600 hours of underwater acoustic detections of cetaceans.

Good weather conditions for surveying allowed twice as many photo identification opportunities than in 2013. This technique allows individual cetaceans or basking sharks to be identified by their distinctive markings, often shedding new light on population sizes and social dynamics, and whether individuals interact with other populations. The latest results are currently being analysed.

The annual surveys depend on paying volunteers. In 2014, 65 volunteers clocked up 760 survey hours – working with scientists on visual surveys and acoustic monitoring with underwater microphones or hydrophones, and identifying individual cetaceans through photography.

(small) Sailing by St Kilda- Kerry Froud HWDTHebridean Whale and Dolphin Trust – based in Tobermory on the Isle of Mull – is recruiting volunteers for its 2015 surveys, to live and work as citizen scientists onboard Silurian for periods of almost two weeks from April to September. Participation costs cover boat expenses, accommodation, training, food and insurance, and support the trust’s research. For details, contact Morven Russell at volunteercoordinator@hwdt.org, call 01688 302620, or visit www.hwdt.org.

Western Scotland’s seas are one of Europe’s most important habitats for cetaceans and one of the UK’s most biologically productive areas. So far 24 of the world’s 83 cetacean species have been recorded in the region, many being national and international conservation priority species.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 164 – Slips, Grips And Trips

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  6 Responses »
Oct 172014
 

Old Susannah aka Suzanne Kelly gets to grips with grippy politicians and businessmen both sides of the pond.

cultural hubIt was an interesting week as ever in Aberdeen, as this photo from our trendy, hip, happening cultural hub shows. Yes, it sensibly closes by 6pm, after all, culture shouldn’t overlap regular working hours. In the door of the former 1-up record shop, a blackboard helpfully tells people what is on in Aberdeen. With cutting edge technology like that, it really is a wonder that we didn’t win City of Culture.

I’m told that some of you  young folk use something called ‘the internet’ when you want information as opposed to going to the exterior of a closed shop to look at a blackboard – is this true?

In other news, Spear of Destiny came to the Moorings last Saturday; and all was largely marvellous. You never know who you’ll bump into in the Moorings, or who’ll bump into you. Very hard.

A bespectacled baldy man made a spectacle of himself as he stumbled into my friend and I not long after we arrived.

This was no mean feat as we were standing well out of the way of the crowd against the wall by the pinball machine, and he had to cross the floor to get to us before he careened off in the other direction towards the loos. I thought he must be tripping (or at least that seemed his intention); if it had been accidental, I’ll avoid whatever he’d been drinking.

For that matter, an ‘excuse me’ was a bridge too far for our man as well, but then again he looked so very cool that he probably didn’t want to spoil his manly style by an admission of fallability. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought it was a deliberate attempt to recapture playground (or prison) glory days on his part, but surely not. Obviously it wouldn’t have been someone with a grudge.

Whatever the poor lad’s problem was, perhaps it will peter out. But nothing was going to spoil that evening, and nothing did. The little stumble was reported later, well after a most enjoyable night.

Elsewhere in the Granite Deen, our councillors are considerably more sure-footed, keeping us right. These well-balanced people have voted to tear down Victoria Road School, which otherwise would have been doomed to some community-buy out scheme or other, and the building re-used for the benefit of the locals. Not a good way to make as much profit as possible, I’m sure you’ll agree.

In truth, I can’t say the councillors all voted to tear the school down. Some such as Jim Kiddie, voted to keep the building. Clearly he’s not as quick on his feet as Torry Tory councillor Alan Donnelly, who voted to demolish. I’m sure the grateful public will thank Alan appropriately.

Not all the councillors voted to demolish it’s true – one managed to not vote at all. Labour’s Yvonne Allan decided it was best to represent her local constituents by – not voting at all.

This must have been a hard decision to stand up for the people who have nothing to say on the issue. Torry locals who wanted the site saved signed petitions in the thousands. And we all know what a petition gets you these days in Aberdeen. More on all this after the next Torry Community Council meeting, which promises to be quite a love-in as the harbour board’s plans for Torry domination – sorry improvement – will also get an airing.

For some reason, David Cameron seemed eager to distance himself from Lord Freud’s rational ideas

Things are equally as cheerful on the national scene, where well heeled Lord Freud bravely spoke out against the money-wasting benefits system. We’re actually still supporting people who have different abilities, physical and mental challenges as if they were worth paying a full day’s wage to.

For some reason, Lord Fraud is softening his stance at present, but he had this to say initially:

“Now, there is a small… there is a group, and I know exactly who you mean, where actually as you say they’re not worth the full wage and actually I’m going to go and think about that particular issue, whether there is something we can do nationally, and without distorting the whole thing, which actually if someone wants to work for £2 an hour, and it’s working can we actually…”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-29628557

If you haven’t guessed, with this sympathetic approach to giving people a living wage, Freud is our Welfare minister. And let’s face it – we have to admire his way with words.

I am trying to think hard if there are any other groups of people who don’t deserve a full day’s wage because they don’t do any proper work. If I do come up with any suggestions, I’ll lay them at Freud’s door.

For some reason, David Cameron seemed eager to distance himself from Lord Freud’s rational ideas.  I believe this is the same David Cameron who has done so much good for the disabled and ill with his ATOS assessment schemes.  I wonder why Cameron is against Freud – given Cameron’s track record, maybe Dave thinks £2 an hour is far too much salary.

But at this rate there will be as little room for definitions as there is for wildlife in the schemes being hatched. Therefore, on with a few timely terms.

Transatlantic Trade And Investment Partnership (TTIP): (Modern English collective noun) a suite of trade deals between the EU and America beneficial to business.

It’s such a shame that in the 21st century people are still so resistant to change. There were actually people protesting against these schemes last weekend in several capital cities.

People are always afraid of what they don’t understand, it’s a human weakness. Therefore, it’s best we allow the EU and US governments to just keep the details of these schemes under wraps; no sense upsetting people. Just because the governments involved won’t let you vote on these agreements or let you know exactly what’s in them is no reason to think there’s anything undemocratic going on.

The Independent, a left-leaning, anti-capitalist UK publication, has printed some hurtful claims about these agreements.

I just hope that no company’s profit margins suffer because of the piece.  Sure a few minor changes to the NHS, taxes, corporate domination over soverign governments, increased spying on private communications will take some getting used to, but I’m sure something good will be on telly to take our minds off of it.

Child Poverty Map: (Modern English compound noun) An interactive map created by End Child Poverty, showing the UK’s disadvantaged children by geographic area.

I think it’s very helpful that this interactive map has been created; now we know what horrible, dreary areas we should be avoiding. Here are a few stats for Aberdeen areas, which for all our oil wealth clearly demonstrate we still have child poverty issues.

Perhaps workhouses would help, coupled with Lord Freud’s helpful suggestion that a £2 per hour wage is too good for some of them.

Westminster Parliamentary Constituency: Aberdeen North
Number of children in In-work poverty 2013: 2,287
Number of children in Out of work poverty 2013: 1,402
% of children in low income families AHC, 2013: 23.89%

Westminster Parliamentary Constituency: Aberdeen South
Number of children in In-work poverty 2013: 1,410
Number of children in Out of work poverty 2013: 618
% of children in low income families AHC, 2013: 14.39%

Map DataMap data ©2014 Google
http://www.endchildpoverty.org.uk/why-end-child-poverty/poverty-in-your-area

If only there were some wealthy people around here who had some money to donate; Wood I could think of anyone who cared about the less fortunate.

I’m sure our council does the best it can with its finances, but you have to prioritise things. We’ve got hungry consultants to pay for (isn’t that right Chris Piper?), after all, those deer aren’t going to shoot themselves, and nothing is more important than trying to grow trees on a windswept garbage tip.   PricewaterhouseCoopers has to put food on the table as well, and we didn’t even give them a million pounds last year.

There was always for instance the chance that Victoria Road school could have been given, as requested, to the locals to run as a community centre; people old and young could have used it as a resource. Not that I’m suggesting we should have done anything radical or trendy like having a food bank. Not in good old Torry, where the money flows like the effluent from the sewerage works we were gifted with a few years back.

Now the city, the harbour board and Scottish Enterprise want to gift us with a much larger industrial scale harbour, and all it will cost us is the remaining open free public spaces Torry has. But it will create jobs, so we’re told (never mind the air quality, house prices and quality of living). Then perhaps some of these little urchins can start earning their keep.

It’s not as if we are planning to school them for anything other than vocational work in the energy sector (that’s if they’re lucky).

So please do have a look at the child poverty map.  Another thought comes to mind – if we’re to keep having Primark priced clothes at our disposal, then we may want to start getting some of these poor kids into factory work over here, that would be more jobs creation. Happily, I’m sure we have people already looking into this.

Next week (perhaps) a further look at NHS Grampian, The latest in Union Terrace Gardens, etc. Or perhaps a word on UKIP hopeful, who starved over 200 sheep to death – possibly while testing out one of UKIP’s future plans for us.

PS – for some reason, people are saying the distance from Haymarket to Waverly stations in Edinburgh is the same distance as Aberdeen’s train station to the inaccessible, dank, under-used Union Terrace Gardens.

The distance is just under a mile and a half between the two Edinburgh destinations, some 2,400 metres. Here, the distance is between 700 metres (from the closest point) ranging to 1,000 metres to the gentle, sloping entrance by the theatre, filled with druggies, drunks and other undesirables. The Edinburgh train journey between the two stations takes 5 minutes.

A journey from Aberdeen station to a proposed new station in UTG (which would be the thin edge of the wedge to building in our gardens) would be less than 45 seconds. But you’ve got to have your connectivity, don’t you – otherwise we’d have people walking around. Some might say Edinburgh is a city that requires a bit of walking, but we don’t want that sort of thing here.

There seem to be some groups wanting a train station in the gardens: I can promise any councillors reading this, there are many people and a group or two who definitely won’t sit by for such a nonsense, even if NESTRANS were to want to spend millions on a station so close to an existing one. Do keep that in mind, won’t you?

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Old Susannah No. 163 Selective Memories

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  5 Responses »
Oct 102014
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

DictionaryHope you’re enjoying the weather. The trains Stopped running further north, streets are flooded, and it’s chaos. Thankfully, none of the building we’re doing in the remaining greenbelt will have a negative impact on the ability of the soil to soak up the rains.

A mere 3,000 new homes in Countesswells  on what’s currently open land won’t make much difference to the environment and flooding; congratulations to the planners and developer (S Milne). Don’t worry about any additional road traffic either, the AWPR will have us all sailing down open roads very soon.

I wish an artist would make us a rendition of what the granite web will look like when it rains hard like it did on Tuesday. No doubt the levels of underground parking replacing the soil wouldn’t cause any  flooding.

In fact, the granite web would be great fun when the ground and ramps are frozen over, and we’d all sitting outdoors watching open air theatre.

Make no mistake, as sure as it will rain again, a certain billionaire hasn’t forgotten that web, and neither has his equally kind-hearted, socially-minded altruist friends. As long as the web story continues dominating the local printed press, the web  won’t be forgotten here. either.

Many other developments are afoot here in the dynamic Deen. The plan for the city’s museum to have its marble staircase hacked up, and a giant box put on the top of the building is going ahead. I guess those developers and architects who think this looks wonderful went to different art schools than I did. I’m sure it will be iconic.

Funny, London’s Tate decided not to ruin its beautiful original building; instead it renovated a disused building when it wanted to expand. If only we had some brown field land in the city centre that should be regenerated to really bring the city back to life. Can’t think of a single site though.

And it’s farewell to Victoria Road School in Torry. Councillors met in secret to vote on axing the site; so no real change in transparency there. Let’s see who buys the site, what they paid for it, and what will take its place.

The Harbour Board are so very keen on turning Torry into an extension of the industrial harbour may well have a hand in this. It will be for our own good when Nigg Bay is taken off our hands, and more lorries travel our roads. It will be a breath of fresh air. Or maybe not. But no doubt it will mean more jobs, the rallying call of all local development.

Never mind the fact we have plenty of work and low unemployment; if you want to build anything, just say you’re creating jobs, and permission arrives on a silver platter.

Some had the temerity to register to vote in the referendum

Moving vibrantly and dynamically along, it’s wonderful to see that everyone’s getting along so well after the referendum. People are respecting each other’s opinions and positions; and intelligent debate continues to dominate the social media sites.

Perhaps the only thing that Old Susannah finds more heart-warming than the post-referendum bonhomie is the riveting, electric Lib Dem party convention. And do those guys know how to party!  Nick Clegg was so cool that he wore dungarees one day!  I guess that sort of thing impresses most of you young people.

However, Kyle Joseph Wagner, a local writer and bon vivant had this to say:

“Nick Clegg delivering his conference speech yesterday in jeans and a navy-blue shirt with the top two buttons undone is funnier, sadder and more pathetic than any attempts I could make to take the p*ss out of him.”

I think Kyle is just jealous, but there you go. More on the wonderful work the Lib Dems did at their conference shortly, especially the important news that Clegg wore a suit on Wednesday – how dynamic is that?  He can be both cool/casual and businesslike and strong. I may yet swoon.

With all the excitement – party conferences, glass office buildings and so on, a few timely definitions seem called for.

Tax Evasion: (modern English compound noun) – the use of legal or illegal means to avoid paying duty on income.

I can’t possibly express how happy I am that poll tax dodgers may yet be called to account for their crimes against humanity. Some had the temerity to register to vote in the referendum. Thankfully, this might lead to these hardened criminals being found and forced to pay their just dues to society.

Perhaps these unwashed lawbreakers could learn a thing or two by looking to our betters for a good example and moral guidance.

Sir Ian Wood is a prime example of a man who pays his fair share. The Wood Group may be saving a few million by paying some of its workers via offshore companies, but that’s just good business senses.

SIW has £50 million sitting in a charity bank account free, but that’s going to eventually help Africans, who as we know need to grow more tea (perhaps he can help clear some of that pesky rain forest in the process). We’ll wait and see what he does.

Stewart Milne still has contracts worth some £10 million with the city

Good thing there aren’t any pressing issues in the African continent that could use any of his ‘venture capital (ist)’ brand of assistance. There’s little glamour in disease or starvation, and if you feed people, you probably won’t get much of a return on your venture capital investment. – if there’s no eventual return, why donate money?

Another shining example of paying one’s fair share can be found in Stewart Milne. No word yet on whether he’s paid the city back the money he owes. Like me you’re probably thinking it’s we who should be giving Milne money, but in fact he owes us some £1.7 million.

I’m sure he had a great reason for this transfer, even if to us less wealthy people it seems like a transparent ploy to avoid paying what he owed the city. Actually, after he appealed all the way to the highest court in the land, even the law couldn’t see why he needed to do that transfer, and he was ordered to pay the city some profit and interest.

I’m sure that with this newly-found enthusiasm for cracking down on tax avoiders, the police and local government mandarins they’ll be straight onto the rich who owe us a few million pounds eventually. But let’s go for the poll tax dodgers first; there’s no sense in upsetting of our wealthy worthies.

Since we’re on the subject of how cleverly the police can find the poll tax avoiders, I thought I’d let you know that alas!  They are unable to find any trace of the investigation they were meant to do when the Kate Dean administration sold parcels of land for peppercorn prices. Audit Scotland couldn’t decide if it was incompetence or fraud at work; the value was c. £5 million pounds, and the police were going to investigate.

Doubtless there were excellent reasons why our cash poor city was slashing services while doling out real estate parcels like sweeties; I’m sure it all made great commercial sense. To someone. Note: Stewart Milne still has contracts worth some £10 million with the city, awarded just around the time he was given that valuable land. Something about ‘leveraging’ comes to Old Susannah’s mind, but that can’t be right.

The courts are so stretched that we’re considering lopping off a few human rights and old legal rights that are way out of date (corroboration, evidence, little things like that).

The police claim to be so stretched they couldn’t possibly implement any form of control over air rifles, wildlife crime, burglaries and so on. Still, there is time to spy on private people’s emails and calls, and to infiltrate protest groups. I guess you have to figure out your priorities. But we’ll find time and money to go after the poll tax avoiding rabble.

of course nuclear energy is a big part of the solution

So let’s name and shame the people who didn’t chip in all those years ago. We had a fair taxation system, based on everyone paying a tax based on the value of the place they lived in.

This was also a great way to get those pesky older people out of valuable houses that they’d saved up for and bought; if they had been silly enough to buy a great home then the poll tax was going to make them pay for it.

Perhaps we should bring this tax back? Our council tax is great as far as it goes, funding all the great schemes we’ve paid for over the years – but I think that extra few drops of blood could be extracted if we went back to the poll tax. No tax payment, no vote. Now that’s democratic.

Clean Energy: (Modern English compound noun) Forms of energy which have little or no elements of waste, pollution health risk or environmental damage from their extraction through to their end products and waste materials.

One thing we can all be proud of is how we’re tackling our energy problems, and of course nuclear energy is a big part of the solution. We have had great successes around the world in Russia and Japan for instance, and if the odd trace of radiation from Chernobyl wound up in the Scottish Highlands, that’s no big deal.

Here in Scotland we have our own Dounreay plant a shining example of clean energy at its finest.

Granted, at present, a ship carrying ‘intermediate level’ radioactive waste from Dounreay caught fire, and is drifting around. An oil rig has been evacuated. But no fear: Police Scotland are monitoring the situation. (I particularly like the energy efficiency in sending these concrete-encased blocks of radioactivity sailing round the world, down road networks, and over rail lines. I’m sure this is all quite green).

Some detractors might have a criticism or two of this great plant; for instance the MOD was accused of covering up information on radioactive leaks. I’m sure they’d never do such a thing; here’s an article that I find very reassuring.

And here are some further articles that are nothing to worry about from Rob Edwards. So a few trucks were carrying radioactive waste when they were meant to be decommissioned, no harm done. And if further information is being kept secret, why worry. If we needed to know, they’ll tell us.

Remember, nothing can go wrong with nuclear power. Neither the police nor the MOD would lie to you; there’s no reason to think they would. But just in case something does ever go wrong, we can always ‘duck and cover’.

A Man For All Seasons: (English Idiom) a person who is very successful in a variety of activities / situations. See also Nick Clegg.

Nick Clegg is surely our man for all seasons. This week he’s been leading his party’s conference with stirring speeches and setting the tone. He’s been making pledges for people with health problems to be seen more quickly – if only he had some power and could implement changes like that now.

But not only is he going to buy more with less tax money, he’s shown a few attractive sides to his personality that we’d not seen before.

Earlier this week, he shown us that despite his talents and position, he’s really one of us. He’s not just the unshakable, constant tough and attractive guy we all think he is. As mentioned earlier, he actually appeared wearing jeans. Some of the buttons on his casual but smart top were unbuttoned as well; he really knows how to let his hair down, and is just like us.

Then just when you think you know the man, he comes back to speak wearing a suit!  It was as if he was taking control; it was a very masterful moment, and I’m glad I’ve taped his performance to watch again and again. It’s amazing someone can have such diametrically opposed sides.

Then again, it was the same Mr Clegg who promised there would be no tuition fees when he got voted in as part of the LibDem/Conservative coalition that’s steered the nation to the great place it’s in today. I guess he doesn’t like to brag too much about his past successes. Either that, or there were too many to mention.

He told his party conference in Glasgow he would not “seek to distance” the Lib Dems from the coalition’s record. Well, he wouldn’t, would he?

And then, just as you think Nick is happy to be associated with the coalition which he is in, he makes a wee remark  that make you wonder if that’s true. Case in point comes courtesy of the guardian:

“Nick Clegg has instructed his leading ministers to “brutalise” the Tories …In a sign of how coalition relations have descended into trench warfare in the run-up to the election, the deputy prime minister has told senior Liberal Democrats to reach out to “soft Tories” by saying that the chancellor is taking Conservatives back a decade to the era of the nasty party.

“The instructions from Clegg, who accused the Tories of “beating up on the poor”, came as the opening of the Liberal Democrat conference was dominated by speculation about future coalition partners if voters elect another hung parliament in May’s general election.”

I’d be the last person to say that Clegg changes his positions as often as he changes his clothing, particularly as he looked so cool in those denims. Still, I sometimes wonder if the Lib Dems are every bit as consistent as they seem to be.

But all this talk of Nick is making me overheated. I’ll be off to BrewDog for some liquid refreshment to cool down a bit. But happy birthday to the Aberdeen BrewDog bar, and many more.

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Old Susannah No.162 – Isms It Is

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  7 Responses »
Sep 262014
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

Dictionary

Tally Ho! For a city with no beating heart and collapsed lungs awaiting a granite web transplant, Aberdeen is somehow managing to hold its own on the cultural front. The Techfest 2014 events are very impressive and are still ongoing. Aberdeen gets ready to welcome Billy Connolly next week; if the city isn’t rolling out the red carpets, it should be.

The Big Yin will be at the music hall; tickets sold out instantly. Post referendum, this will be quite a show. That underused shady green garden is going to have an Oktoberfest. It’s all happening.

Referendum fallout is everywhere, and shows no signs of abating. Both Yes and No camps still cry foul; queens are accused of purring; political parties are accused of breaking their promises, something I can assure worried readers will never happen.

Two years on, and Aberdeen’s own referendum on Union Terrace Gardens show no sign of abating, either. The P&J, Tom Smith, ACSEF and Sir Ian Wood are still banging on about how a granite web is the city’s only salvation and how it must be built over our only existing city centre green space (coincidentally owned by you and I, and worth tens of millions).

The canals of Venice. The Eiffel Tower.The Taj Mahal. The granite web to nowhere. Yes, that would have worked. These tenacious people of course have no selfish interests as they campaign on and on and on.

In the news this week are various movements – various ‘isms’. Women are bleating on about wanting rights. Campaigning journalists closer to home are drumming up support for their advertisers’ projects – sorry – important local causes. Time for a look at some of these ‘isms’.

Feminism: (Modern English movement) – belief that women and men should have equal opportunities, equal rights and equal pay.

Well, I am just a weak, helpless female, so I got one of my male colleagues to explain to me what’s wrong with this feminism business. Apparently, it’s all about unshaven women who want to look like men, or something like that. It’s just too complex for me.

On the other hand, I did some research. You will be surprised to learn that there may indeed be instances where there is a small amount of discrimination.

For reasons known only to herself, actress Emma Watson – actress and academic scholar is trying to tell us that feminism isn’t a dirty word. For some reason, she thinks that women are not treated as well as men. I wonder why she’d come to such a wild conclusion; she’s probably just looking for headlines.

Of course Watson may object to a few inconsequential facts. Women around the world do not earn as much money as male contemporaries for the same work. Women are being forced into marriage around the globe including here in the UK. There is also the small matter that in the western world, a mere one in 4 women can expect to experience some form of sexual abuse or violence.

Women are being trafficked against their will to be used as prostitutes. Police routinely ignore women’s pleas for help with domestic violence, and yet another woman in the UK was killed by a stalker the police had been warned about many, many times before.

That ought to prove that women aren’t subject to exploitation

In short, I’ve no idea why Emma thinks that campaigning for equal treatment of women in society is something we need to do. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if she turned her efforts to something worthwhile, like backing the Aberdeen City Garden Project?

To disprove Watson’s case, some charming, anonymous people have started a countdown online as to when they plan to release nude photos of her. That ought to prove that women aren’t subject to exploitation to everyone’s satisfaction. Releasing any photos will also put her back in her place, intimidate her, and then we girls can forget all this silly feminist stuff.

For further examples of the fair treatment the fair sex gets, the 25/9 P&J carries a tale we can all have a good laugh along with.

Offshore worker Andrew Thomas has unfairly been put on the sex offenders’ register for a whole year, and will have to do some community service. He was just being a lad after all when he snuck into his female offshore co-worker’s room, set up a phone to spy on her, and saved photos of her changing and washing. It’s even funnier because he pretended to be her pal.

Any red-blooded offshore worker would have done the same. Spoilsport Kerry McKnockiter doesn’t get that this was just good fun, and somehow feels she’s been violated. Go figure. At the same time, a man who grew something called ‘marijuana’ at his home has rightly been locked up for 12 months, a splendidly fair sentence, and a great use of taxpayer money. Good on us.

As to this equal pay business that feminists want resolved, what do you need money for once you’ve got a husband, hopefully the richest one you could snare? I’d recommend pretty young girls enter beauty contests – look at the great catch Sarah ‘Face Of Aberdeen’ Malone landed when Damian Bates married the lucky girl?

Still, some women insist on working, taking jobs away from our boys. It’s only right that girls don’t get the same money as men do; after all, they’re not as strong or as smart as men are. All public sector pay was meant to be levelled out years back; this is still in progress. In fact, Torry was once asked to sell huge tracts of land it controlled to help Aberdeen City level out its pay issues.

If Old Susannah recalls correctly (remember, I’m just an old woman) – the city made a fine job of equalising pay – by lowering the salaries of some men, rather than raising women’s pay. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. More on all this here. Of course pay and pension are still wee problems (well, if you’re a girl anyway) today. All I can say is ‘calm down dear, it’s only your living wage.

We’ve had wimmin academics heckled, threatened with rape and other forms of violence.

It couldn’t be that the ‘writers’ are slavishly regurgitating whatever press releases it gets

I guess when you have extremist feminists like Caroline Criado-Perez (a foreigner, note) who wanted Jane Austin put on a bank note, then trying to frighten the weaker sex is a good strategy to get them in line.Perhaps a nice cup of tea and a pat on the head is all that these feminist type ladies and Emma Watson need.

That, and perhaps a box of chocolates and a new hat.

Yellow Journalism: The use of sensationalism, bias, and exaggeration in order to attract and/or influence readers.

“There are no concrete plans to breathe new life into the heart of Aberdeen – two years after the city Garden Project was controversially scrapped.”

– So wrote the P&J’s Dawn Morrison this week for the P&J’s Wednesday cover story, dramatically illustrated with an ornate gold picture frame with nothing inside of it. I’m sure this factual, un-emotive opening sentence will have us girls weeping into our ice-cream tubs.

I’m equally sure that, coincidentally of course, some of the P&J’s biggest advertisers do indeed have concrete plans for Union Terrace Gardens.

Well, perhaps granite-clad concrete is what they want, but there are some people who just want that green space taken over, which will magically put the business rates in the area within the reach of local shopkeepers, will reduce the unfair advantages multinational competitors have over homegrown businesses (buying power, advertising, brand recognition, and of course the use of cheap if not slave labour abroad to create projects).

It’s also very reassuring that all P&J writers, off their own bats of course, use the exact same description for Aberdeen – breathing new life into it, its beating heart, etc. etc.

It couldn’t be that the ‘writers’ are slavishly regurgitating whatever press releases or directives they get. It wouldn’t be like helmsman Damian Bates to dictate to his minions what to write, what not to write about (Anthony Baxter and his Trump-related documentaries for instance) or how to write it.

A google search on ‘breath new life’, ‘heart’, ‘Aberdeen’ and ‘Ian Wood’ will give you all the breathing, beating and throbbing you could ever hope for. It’s just amazing everyone uses the same metaphors – not that these stirring words and phrases are getting at all tedious or worn out, mind you. This whole business may have started with Sir Ian himself; and a regular breath of fresh air he is, too.

The P&J is a bastion for free thinking, freely-writing intrepid investigative journalists whose high ideals lead to balanced articles such as this empty picture frame one. Some might think that such a blatant piece of editorial belongs tucked away inside the issue, but that’s another matter. Some also think that the press shouldn’t exist to serve its advertisers’ interests or indeed the financial interests of the people who edit the news. But that is, I suppose, nit-picking.

Alas, that’s all there is time for this week; I feel the need to shop coming on, and my weakly female constitution can’t possibly continue without a new pair of shoes to cheer me up. More next week.

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