Old Susannah Archives - Page 6 of 7

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – Trials And Errors?

Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 282011

Its been a ‘trying’ week for Old Susannah as two former political party leaders are ‘court’ up in controversy. As one faces a lengthy term indoors, and the other attempts to shake off the ‘terminator’ tag, Old Suz tackles some tricky terminology.

Apology

(noun) an expression of regret, acknowledging some form of mistake, error or wrong doing.. Examples: I gave my granny an apology for breaking a piece of her china years ago. I apologised when I was late for an appointment last week.

Tony Blair has now apologised to everyone at the Chilcot Enquiry into the Iraq War. He said that he is sorry tens of thousands of people – soldiers, civilian men, women, children, innocent bystanders in short – got killed in the war. He could not have foreseen that war would lead to any of that. The one million strong protestors who marched to Hyde Park to protest the war clearly did not have all the facts, and did not know what was really at stake like Tony did; so he was right to ignore them.

This is a democracy after all; he was elected and was able to do what he wanted. Hans Blix, and other weapons inspectors likewise, were wrong to conclude that Saddam did not have stores of ‘weapons of mass destruction’ (as compared to ‘weapons of mass irritation’ or ‘weapons of a tiny bit of destruction’) and could not attack us in 45 minutes. Blair had the dossier to prove it, so fair dues.

The UN likewise was misguided: not having any of Blair’s intelligence and intuition. Blair had promised President Bush ‘we were with you all the way’ some 8 months before the war started, and as we all know, it is important not to break a promise. Good on you Tony. Now that is what I call foresight and planning ahead. I guess if you needed expert guidance at the time, you couldn’t have done any better than listening to Bush, Cheney , Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the rest of the American experts, who waged this war with no fear of the personal sacrifice it would cost each and every one of them. To those who say that there are things that are beyond an apology, they are wrong: this apology will immediately heal all physical and emotional wounds. The soldier in rehab, the widow, the orphans, those left destitute will find Tony’s ‘sorry’ all the tonic they need. Apology accepted.

Remorse

(noun) To genuinely regret an action, even to the point of feeling guilt and sadness.

It should be noted that Tony Blair’s apology over the Iraq War has absolutely no remorse in it, and even less sincerity. He is ‘glad we removed Saddam’. He would ‘do it again’. It could be Old Susannah, but I don’t see the remorse in that attitude. Why this one particular dictator was more important to ‘remove’ than the hundreds of others who blight this world, particularly in Africa and Asia, is in no way connected to then President Bush’s determination to avenge his daddy, whose own war on Iraq was not a great success.

Those who pushed this war on us were not interested in making a profit; any sudden enrichment to their bank balances was coincidental. A certain former US Chief of Defence might have had a teeny connection to a certain oil company; it could happen to anyone. He was just in the right place at the right time. We must remember how the war instantly brought peace, stability, equality and human rights to the region.

For some bizarre reason the jury failed to see that Mr Sheridan is the victim of a massive conspiracy reminiscent of the Davinci Code’s plot

Another important power couple are not feeling much in the way of remorse or regret either: Mr and Mrs Sheridan, who are having a tough time of it. For some bizarre reason the jury failed to see that Mr Sheridan is the victim of a massive conspiracy reminiscent of the Davinci Code’s plot. He angrily denied any wrongdoing; his lovely wife stood by him – and yet somehow people think he might not be telling the truth, and he has cruelly been found him guilty of perjury. Mrs Sheridan is a model to all us ladies – stand by your man no matter what. What a lovely woman she must be, and if she’s single-handedly set women’s rights and independence back by 7 to 10 years, so what. After his angry protestations of innocence and being set up, Mr Sheridan is now pleading for mercy in his sentencing. I wonder if he is feeling remorse for having brought the lawsuit to ‘clear his name’ which led directly to where he is now. What’s wrong with a man in power cheating on his wife in sleazy sex clubs then suing newspapers that print the tale? I guess a shared interest in perjury helps keep this power couple together.

Trade Union

(noun) A Trade Union is a bad, bad thing that costs people jobs, ruins the global economy, and cuts into everyone’s pockets. Believe it or not, the Unions representing Aberdeen City Council workers have actually rejected the kindly offer of taking a 5% pay cut for its members, who the Council now has no choice but to sack 900 people.

Unions came about to protect the rights of the workers, but things have now moved on, and it’s the poor employer that is suffering. Through no fault of its own, Aberdeen City Council is being forced to cut jobs by the greedy unions.

The Council might own more real estate, buildings, offices and land than your average king. The City might have written off millions of pounds in bad debts over the years. They even might have sold land for a fraction of its value to a few lucky developers. They could even have introduced a sliding scale for these proposed salary cuts, with the overpaid – I mean higher paid – managers taking a larger than 5% cut, and had smaller cuts for the lower-paid. But Aberdeen’s not a charity. If you’re going to work for the City, count yourselves lucky. Take the cut. You’ll be getting a brand new desk and chair when you move to Marischal College! And if you still feel unfairly treated, do keep your stories coming to Old Susannah. They are getting juicy!

Old Susannah writes…

Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jan 212011

Old Susannah has been constantly on the go the past week. Here’s her travelogue…

On Friday I attended most of the public hearing on the Loirston Loch proposal at the Town House. Admittedly, I left before the full meeting ended, so missing Kate Dean’s concluding remarks, but I would have lost the will to live altogether, and I had to be at Peacock for 6pm.

Sorry I only lasted 8 hours at the hearing, but seeing as Kate was doing a great job of being impartial as convener, I left, in the knowledge that the stadium was in safe hands. See the article elsewhere in this edition of Voice.

Next day, the P&J printed an article favouring the stadium development which ignored all the practical problems and local objections, alongside a piece on Cove Rangers being allowed to move to new premises. Of course, these two developments in the Aberdeen footballing world are completely unrelated. Old Susannah must have wandered into a completely different public hearing from the one the P&J wrote about, as I missed the parts that proved how this stadium will not only make us all rich, but also make us the envy of the northern hemisphere. I came away with the subtle feeling that one or two of the residents might not be onside with putting a 21,000 seat stadium on their greenbelt.

The Peacock exhibition features Alicia Bruce’s photographic portraits of the residents facing potential eviction through compulsory purchase, so that Mr Trump can have the world’s most kitsch – sorry – most excellent, perfect, wonderful, swell, expensive golf course. A review and photos of the exhibition is elsewhere in Voice.

Finally, George Galloway and his moustache are in the news this week. He seems to be saying he will end his political career in Scotland. Has no one told him that his political career well and truly ended when he was on Big Brother pretending to be Rula Lenska’s cat? Respect….?

..and she shares the week’s defining moments in her Dictionary, Part 21

Embezzle

(Verb) To embezzle is to appropriate goods, property or money fraudulently when in a position of power, rather like when we pay Council Tax to local government with the false promise we’ll get something of value in return. Now it looks as if a City Council employee has been taking his work home with him literally – to the tune of somewhere between £300,000 and £400,000. It is understood the person and his wife are now ‘helping police with their enquiries’.

there is no fraud to worry about really, except the odd half million pound case like this one

Yes, it’s hard to understand how our well-run, efficient, properly audited and controlled City could have allowed such a thing to happen; ‘financial impropriety’ and ‘Aberdeen City Council’ are words you’d never expect to hear in the same sentence, I know.

Stringent controls are in place to prevent, for instance, property being sold below market value, property being sold to private developers when the City thinks it is really selling property to the NHS, or building work contract values escalating out of control, and the like. In fact there are ‘Investigation Managers’ and ‘Budget Analysts’ on the City’s efficient payroll.

But relax – there is no fraud to worry about really, except the odd half million pound case like this one, which clearly is a one-off and will never happen again.

Incandescent (Adjective) Incandescent is the ‘condition of glowing or emitting heat and light’. Indeed, it is often associated with lightbulbs but presumably less so with the new mercury-filled ones which don’t give out quite enough light for my taste. John Major famously took the word ‘incandescent’ and coupled it with his anger, coming up with the phrase, ‘not inconsiderably incandescent with rage’ to describe how he usually felt. This may have been his greatest contribution as Prime Minister, although we might want to ask Mrs Edwina Currie her opinion.

This adjective is still being used by the brightest stars in the political firmament, as no less a luminary than our own Kate Dean has told the press she is incandescent. No, not just her natural glow of warmth, charm and beauty; she is incandescent with anger.

Who’s upset Kate? The Scottish Government transport authorities have had the gall to criticise Aberdeen’s public transport management – the nerve!

outsiders might mistakenly think we have problems. I hope that an apology to Kate is on the way

As if there was anything to criticise. Kate’s main problem is that she didn’t have a chance to defend the City’s sterling record on public transport. The frequent bus services, the low prices, the potholes, the bus lanes.Apparently we’ve created one million pounds worth of bus lanes recently, part of the reason traffic moves so swiftly.

The well thought-out transport arrangements for Union Square and the bus and railway stations are greatly appreciated by people with mobility problems as well as car drivers and bus passengers, who, in rush hour or late night shopping days, can spend ages window-shopping at Union Square from the comfort of their own cars. Building the new AFC stadium is going to add 80 buses at current estimate and 1400 cars to the mix on Wellington Road, pollution levels on which can be higher than national recommended levels, but with the new bus lanes, well, it will be fine.

Part of Ms Dean’s problem is that Aberdeen wasn’t invited to the particular meeting where the criticism was levelled, so she could not defend our excellent system. Clearly a system as perfect as ours would not be able to stand on its own merits for others to marvel at – outsiders might mistakenly think we have problems. I hope that an apology to Kate is on the way.

Joined-up government.

How do things in the public sector work so well?

How do our governors manage to accomplish so much good with our tax money so efficiently?

The answer is that we have ‘joined-up government’.

The term ‘joined-up government’ is defined as ‘a method of governing wherein all departments and branches communicate efficiently with each other and act together purposefully and effectively towards well-defined objectives – but you don’t need me to tell you that’s what you’ve got in the ‘deen.

It is little wonder that international property developers want to come here when they see how ‘joined up’ we are.

It’s hard to pick out just one example pertaining to our government in terms of its ‘joined-up’ thinking, so I’ll take the most recent one. In the P&J on 19 January, there’s a story of how Scottish Enterprise and Aberdeen City Council work in harmony to our benefit.

Peacock Art Gallery, you may recall, had managed to secure a large grant from the Arts Council to build new premises. Like vultures smelling blood, the City and Scottish Enterprise moved in to offer assistance. They assisted Peacock right out of its plans for the Union Terrace Gardens arts centre it had proposed.

But what becomes of the grant from the Arts Council? It’s now probably lost forever, and we have the amusing spectacle of Aberdeen City v Scottish Enterprise. The blame game is on. Who did what and when is being argued over in the press as these two entities try to blame each other for the loss. Strangely enough, many years back, the Arts Council had ring-fenced a few million for an arts centre in the Castlegate. This money too was lost forever. A deadline approached, and the City Council seems not to have known anything about it, despite having a Council representative attending the relevant meetings. It is little wonder that international property developers want to come here when they see how ‘joined up’ we are. They know when they see examples like the latest drama over Peacock funding unfold, that we are people to be reckoned with – smart, astute business minds working in conjunction. There is no way we will be fooled or taken advantage of when great minds are in control. Not here.

On a serious note

Spare a thought for Sandy Ingram, the 79 year-old man found severely beaten in June of last year. He will now need full-time care, and can never return to the home he knew. Apparently he had seen two men on his property before he was assaulted. Whilst the residents in his area of Newmachar are now more vigilant regarding strangers, and are reporting suspicious behaviour to police, it comes too late for the Ingram family.

Someone out there knows what happened to him which is still a mystery to the rest of us. If you don’t come forward you are as guilty as if you’d hurt this elderly man yourself. And the next time someone else gets permanently injured or worse, you’ll have to live knowing you could have prevented it.

Even if you just suspect something, make an anonymous call. Do the right thing.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No. 20

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion No Responses »

Jan 142011

Voice’s resident wordly-wise sage, Old Susannah, dines, defines and discourages the whines.

Old Susannah is having quite the week – on Tuesday it was off to the Marcliffe for a spot of lunch, courtesy of the Dirty Dancing musical which is coming to Aberdeen in March 2012.

The food was a nice mix of appetisers and the steak in ale on an Irish pancake was most memorable. The Berlin cast of the show danced beautifully, and the event closed with a rousing duet. I particularly dislike bad musicals. I walked out of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers once – it reminded me of when my cat was poorly.

For me the real surprise was learning that the producer for Dirty Dancing is Karl Sydow, whose list of credits in the theatre is, well, awesome. He’s worked around the world with talent such as Sir Ian McKellen, Fiona Shaw, and Old Susannah’s favourite, Ian Hislop. Sydow is also on the board of Out of Joint, the UK’s leading producer of new writing for the theatre.

So, what’s new in Dictionary Corner, Susannah?

Irony

Irony can be defined as per Miriam-Webster’s online dictionary “the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning”. It is also a well-known fact that Americans can’t understand irony, and it is a term often best explained by illustration. Happily, the Press & Journal has supplied one.

“City ‘one of the safest in the country'” announced a P&J headline on 7 January. The story went on to quote a police spokesperson on safety in Aberdeen over the festive period. This wonderful safety which we all noticed in the streets was, by coincidence, at the very same time as an increased police presence in town. The Council should be told – before they announce yet more police cuts. And what were the other headlines appearing in the same issue?

“Theft of equipment worth thousands over Christmas”
“Attacker who broke man’s jaw spared jail”
“Man, 22, jailed for stamping on victim – unprovoked attack in the street”
“Probation for teacher over online sex chats with pupil”
“Man admits owning dog which mauled elderly horse” (NB this was Gary Pearce, 42, of Marischal Street),
“Disabled bus passenger mugged after being followed – victim says attackers robbed him after pretending to help him off vehicle”

and..
“Nightclub owner admits vicious assault” – with a rolling pin no less.

the sufferer is usually trying to compensate for something they lack, or something they feel guilty about

It is safe to say that by comparison, these headlines make the ‘Safest in the Country’ headline look just a touch ironic. But if the P&J says we’re the safest city, maybe we can stop locking our doors at night. I know I’m going to.

Ozymandias Complex

Ozymandias is a poem by the great Percy Bysshe Shelley, which in a few lines sums up the futility and ego of an ancient Egyptian king, Ozymandias. Ozymandias believed in his own superiority, and sought immortality and power by erecting huge monuments to himself and his empire – which, inevitably, the sands of time literally destroyed after he himself was long forgotten and his people dead.

The Ozymandias Complex is a psychological term concerning someone who is inwardly insecure or inadequate, but is desperate to make an ostentatious – which means ‘showy’ for any City Councillors reading – display of wealth and power, in the hope of winning admiration. The person blighted by this complex wants others to fear, respect, admire or envy them and the sufferer is usually trying to compensate for something they lack, or something they feel guilty about. Of course the psychological motivation of the person suffering Ozymandias Syndrome doesn’t matter in the end, because the grateful populace get a new statue or car park or giant pink glowing stadium, and their gratitude will know no bounds. They will sing the praises of the person who creates these monuments to their own greatness, and will, as Shelley wrote, ‘despair’.

Old Susannah was able to give an example of irony in the previous definition, but cannot think of any suitable local dignitaries with the Ozymandias Complex. If I knew of any wealthy local tycoons tying to erect pompous monuments to themselves, I Wood let you know. For now, I’m just Milne it over. If any readers can offer examples, please get in touch.

Ozymandias

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Climate Change

Climate Change is a trendy phrase people throw around these days, but Old Susannah suspects climate change is just a lot of hot air. Granted, this is a rarely-used term and you probably won’t come across it, but as the City Council finds it important, I will try to define it.

Apparently, the use of fossil fuels might possibly be giving off C02 gases and choking our atmosphere, causing damage to the ozone layer and trapping heat, thus warming the planet over time.

we all deserve a pat on the back for saving energy and reducing the production of C02 gases

I doubt there is much to this, as there would be some kind of evidence to support so wild a claim, such as a correlation between the burning of fossil fuels and temperature change, or freakish weather in terms of droughts or floods – like in Australia for instance – or changes in the oceans.

This is the ‘greenhouse effect’. Let’s see what our City Council makes of it all….

“The Council has signed up to the 10:10 climate change campaign, pledging to cut 10% of its carbon emissions during 2010.

The UK-wide campaign encourages individuals, businesses, schools, community groups and councils to work together to achieve a 10% cut in the nation’s carbon emissions by 2010.

Aberdeen City Council was the first Scottish local authority to sign up to the campaign and was followed by Edinburgh City Council. The UK-wide campaign encourages individuals, businesses, schools, community groups and councils to work together to achieve a 10% cut in the nation’s carbon emissions by 2010″.

According to the Council’s website, we all deserve a pat on the back for saving energy and reducing the production of C02 gases, which contribute to the greenhouse effect. We have changed street lighting and we’ve got people off the roads into our efficient public transport system.

Our far-sighted councillors have also said that “The City Council also now measures all its policies, plans and purchases against their potential environmental impact”.

This is why Union Terrace Gardens will be turned into a car park, and why we will take green fields supporting wildlife and build a stadium, miles from the town centre, so 21000 people can come to the 1400-space car park and marvel at the local teams and the glowing red light. Maybe we can all turn off our household lights and just see at night by the new glowing stadium, which will be lit in a lovely shade of red? I will try to find out if that’s how the stadium meets the environmental impact statement.

Coming next week: a few definitions, and feedback from this Friday’s open hearing on the Loirston Stadium development.

PS: I am dismayed to hear that some City Council employees are openly complaining about losing 5% of their salaries. Can these people please refrain from discussing the matter at work? You might cause some dissatisfaction with your co-workers, and that is something the Council has so far completely managed to avoid.

Remember – be happy and cheerful! After all, Lib Dem councillors have agreed to take the cut, so you should gladly do the same. Making funny remarks is not helpful either. I understand that your line managers have acted swiftly to stop these outbreaks of complaining – and rightly so – with a sympathetic, kindly, fatherly, gentle word to those few involved. Thank you.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.19

Aberdeen City, Articles, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jan 072011

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste ( but do bear with her …. I believe some lengthy, yet justified aeriation may preclude ).

Congratulations to Ms Valerie Watts, formerly of Chief Executive of Derry; she will become the third Aberdeen City Chief Executive in as many years. Readers who can remember back as far as 2008 will recall Douglas Paterson taking early retirement. This was coincidentally just before Audit Scotland came to call, and just after he said he would not leave his post over the little matter of being at the helm when the City sold off various properties for a fraction of their market value.

Nothing to do with him. The auditors were unable to conclude whether these sales – some £5 million less than conservative market value – were a great idea, incompetence, or possibly even shady. For instance, the City claimed to believe it was selling property to the NHS, but sold it to a private developer. If only there had been someone who was invovled with both the City Council and the NHS. Granted Kate Dean would have been one of the most senior people Old Susannah can think of involved with both these entities, but she would have been too busy to notice a deal worth a mere few millon.

Next in the Chief Executive office was Ms Bruce, who left us for Edinburgh, claiming she brought us to a £9 million budget surplus. It actually looks like we need to make about £90 million budget savings immediately, but all the best to her.

Ms Watts may have to get a part-time job to make ends meet; the post of Chief Exec of our fair city only pays £141, 834, with 5% based on how well they perform. Then again, she will want to take a 5% pay cut (that’s about £22K) to show solidarity with the City Council workers who have happily agreed to such a cut themselves. While it may be true that the UK Prime Minster and his cabinet ministers all earn less than our City Chief Exec, they won’t have nearly as much responsibility as Ms Watts, who will need to meet heads of state, tell the Queen what to say in her speech, and build shopping malls and community stadiums.

A person could make a few comparisons between Aberdeen and Derry. For a start the population figures are similar – Derry c. 237,000 and per an Aberdeen report “In the period up to 2031, the population of Aberdeen City is forecast to rise to a peak of 215,000. Both cities have airports as well as countryside areas. Derry had a budget surplus of just over £1 million in 2008, and, well Aberdeen was in the red by tens of millions for the same period. Derry however has a biodiversity policy which has seen it take important ecological steps, and financially speaking it reported an income from its services of £9,140,000 and rates earned it 38,717,000 circa 2008. Obviously Ms Watts has a lot to learn about local developers and what should be done with greenbelt land.

This is most impressive, but clearly can’t work in Aberdeen – we have builders to look after

If anyone can penetrate the Aberdeen City Council finances and find out more than Old Susannah can as to how we compare to Derry financially, I would love to hear from you.

Clearly they have skimped on hospitality, new office furniture, travel, and clothing to make its Lord Provost (actually mayor in Derry) look good. We managed to write off about £11 million in bad debts in a similar period, sold real estate to developers for a fraction of its actual value, and continued to have a discrepancy in pay women earned compared to their male counterparts.

Ms Watts won’t be used to such creativity. Rumour has it that Derry’s schoolchildren still have things like small classes and music lessons – but this is unconfirmed.

Looking again at the two cities and how they regard the environment, Derry has something called a ‘Local Biodiversity Plan’, which reads in part:

“Derry City Council is further meeting its corporate objectives by protecting and enhancing biodiversity in rural and urban areas, and thus providing a clean, diverse, accessible and sustainable environment for people to enjoy while also looking after the health and well being of its communities.

“Natural habitats are being compromised as development progresses in Northern Ireland and in the Northwest. Many species are now living in much smaller fragmented pockets of their previous habitat range. These islands of good habitat are more vulnerable to population decline. Developments of new housing schemes, industrial estates, commercial premises and office space in urban and rural areas, new transportation infrastructure, infilling… are all contributing to habitat loss and fragmentation in the area. Construction projects alongside or close to waterways are particularly sensitive and potentially damaging to flora and fauna”.

This is most impressive, but clearly can’t work in Aberdeen – we have builders to look after, don’t you know?

I can think of nothing that would succeed more than a luxury goods store on Vicky Road

Necessity: Necessity is defined as experiencing a lack of a desired or essential commodity. As anyone in genuine need can tell you, necessity is also a mother.

Aberdeen suffers from need; we identified the necessity of an £80 million pound re-fit for Marischal College for Council offices, and we met that need with new furniture – also necessary. Some things are luxuries, or can be described as ‘nice to have’.

In our City these include road surfaces, services for the disabled, help for the elderly, sports facilities, reasonably-sized classes for students, parks and music lessons.

And as our high-street stores close one by one, there is another thing we need….

Retail Rocks! Retail Rocks is a private company that will bring new life back to Torry’s boarded up shops as well as a few other closed business premises here and there. Clearly the closed down toy store and art materials shop near Bon Accord, ‘Globally Sweet’ on Union Street, and a dozen shops on Holburn closed as the owners were just too lazy or were bad managers. After all, Scottish Enterprise was always on hand to help, and at a cost to the taxpayer of £700 million a year – that is a lot of help. However, there is only so much that a small, unelected quango can accomplish, and Retail Rocks has stepped in to help enterprise in Scotland where Scottish Enterprise could not.

How hard in those conditions can it be to compete with international chain stores

It was not as if the rates in Aberdeen are astronomically high, or that there are not enough police to stop robberies (I can only think of two knife attacks in Torry stores in the last year or two, so that’s not so bad is it?) or to stop the occasional drunk breaking shop windows.

Theft is certainly not an issue – unless you count the dozens of stories in the press each month (and my favourite, the ‘hoodie’ who robbed the Torry PDSA charity shop last Christmas). Seeing as the citizens of Aberdeen have so much expendable income, I can think of nothing that would succeed more than a luxury goods store on Vicky Road. It’s only laziness that stops the family corner shop from completing the one or two bits of paperwork needed for tax, insurance, sales, licensing, transport and so on.

How hard in those conditions can it be to compete with international chain stores, one or two of which you may notice dotted around our town? Aside from their centralised administration, bulk buying power, brand recognition, control of suppliers and use of enterprising children in Asia to produce cheap goods, they really don’t have much of a competitive edge.

Soon the streets will be wholly regenerated with a dozen or so new shops for the ‘Retail is Rocky’ – I mean the ‘Retail Rocks’ competition winners. Get your groundbreaking idea in now. You could wind up a shopkeeper. With the recession in full bloom, there is only one way to go and that is up, and with VAT at 20%, it is easier to calculate it when it was 17.5%. Good luck to all of you – and remember to install security cameras and metal shutters.

Next week: more of the City Council’s committees, ‘conflict of interest’, and ethics

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 16

Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Dec 102010

Old Susannah attended the Foyer Gallery Restaurant on Crown Street last week for a show of wintery paintings of Alpine resorts by Anne Moore. The great and good of Aberdeen were at this excellent show – including none other than our Lord Provost himself. He was instantly recognisable in his chain of office finery and with his red-coated bodyguard/escort in the form of a blonde woman. He stayed a good 30 minutes, and then was off into the night – no doubt to the next event, probably in a taxi or council-supplied car. Value for money indeed.

On the other hand the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, travels the streets of London by bicycle, or he takes public transport, shows up at functions looking a bit dishevelled and while BoJo often has one blonde companion or another with him, he doesn’t always wear his chain of office or get chauffeured around. If Boris would only spend a bit more taxpayer’s money, he could elevate his profile like our Lord P.

Season’s Greetings! Whatever you are celebrating this winter, let’s face facts – this holiday business is a minefield riddled with potential disaster at every turn. Provided the City and Shire haven’t run out of salt and grit, and you can actually leave your home – beware! Resistance to the seasonal events is futile. There is no escape from the family Christmas dinner, dreadful television, indescribable gifts you don’t want and strange drinks parties – but with a little forethought you might escape the year-end festivities relatively unscathed. Best of luck.

The Office Party : The word ‘Office’ is defined as ‘a place in which business takes place or a service is offered’. ‘Party’ is a noun referring to a ‘social gathering’. Put ‘Office’ and ‘Party’ together and you have an artificial event with a moment or two of humour at best, which is guaranteed to end in career disaster, tears, social disgrace, and possibly an arrest or two.

The office party might take place in the office itself, which typically involves hazards guaranteed to block your promotion and/or ruin your marriage. Stay away from the special punch Fred in Accounts has blended; don’t eat any of the homemade cookies Sheila from Marketing brought, and definitely, definitely don’t go anywhere near any photocopiers or supply cupboards under any circumstance.

If you and your work colleagues go out on the town for the office party, you have a new set of problems to consider. The best restaurants were booked months ago, and if you didn’t get one, Old Susannah hopes you enjoy your tasteless turkey and soggy sausage rolls. Doubtless Trina from Advertising will be wearing a mini skirt more appropriate to a Spanish beach and various Santa-with-reindeer-and- snowmen-themed plastic pins with flashing lights and charming bells, topped by a pair of reindeer antlers. And 6” heeled sandals – and no coat! For her, this passes as subtlety. The ensuing pride you take in her attire will be matched by pride in her manners, language and decorum.

Either way, you will be rewarded with a nice pair of socks, white under wear suit able for an octogenarian or worse yet – the Christmas sweater

After you’ve had your indigestible meal and undrinkable wine (which you all drink anyway), it will be off to a bar or ten to find the alcoholic cocktails most likely to mix badly with what you’ve already ingested, ensuring a hangover the next day, if not a more immediate technicolor experience. Jim the new manager will do something inappropriate with Ellen by 10pm, and another 6 hours or more of further drinks and kebabs will follow.

After the office party, most revellers will wake up refreshed, happy and ready to go again. However it is guaranteed that someone will wake up the next morning to find themselves in bed with Alice. The more unlucky one will wake up with both Ted and Alice – if not Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. (They don’t call that last drink you shouldn’t have had ‘Aftershock’ for nothing). Until approximately 24 July of the following year, this unlucky guy or gal will be the shamefaced butt of every office joke and some amusing washroom graffiti. Don’t let this happen to you.

Black Friday : Black Friday is a term given to the last Friday before Christmas itself, as the town centre will be slightly busier than usual with folks on their way to religious services, classical music events and to help the poor. Some of these good folks will stop off for the odd glass of Babycham or two. There will be a small majority who go completely crazy, which is good as it keeps the police in employment. After a few genteel sips of eggnog, these over-refreshed people greet each other in the streets with warm words of encouragement and some very forceful hugs – it truly is a sight to behold! From a safe distance.

The Family Gathering

A family gathering is a pleasant, quiet time to spend with your loved ones. (Like heck.)

So, you’ve decided to avoid all the above hassle, and just stay home. Next thing you know, the outlaws have invited themselves to stay with you for a week, and the kids have a stomach virus. The spouse has volunteered to cook the traditional roast dinner for about 15 people. This actually means that you will be peeling sprouts (which you hate), potatoes and neeps for 3 hours. You will have failed in your parental responsibility by not securing this year’s must-have present and the kids will hate you for years. If you bought your partner the gift they spelled out for you that they wanted, one of two things is certain – you didn’t get the right colour, or they don’t want it any more. Either way, you will be rewarded with a nice pair of socks, white underwear suitable for an octogenarian or worse yet – the Christmas sweater. It is covered with bells, pompoms, reindeer and the like in colours intended to help rescue services find you if you get washed out to sea. Who makes these things? Who buys them? Who would actually wear them? Well, you will – or you’re in trouble.

The meal is over – you’ve survived that. There was only one thing you wanted to see on the telly – and it’s almost time. But grandpa is in your spot on your sofa, and Grandma is asking what channel the Coronation Street 200th year anniversary show is on. You have no chance.

A fight will eventually ensue. Best just to admit you are wrong, apologise, and have another swig of sherry. Next year you promise yourself a warm beach holiday. Like you did this year.

A serious note: This time of year leads to depression and suicide for some people. If you’re feeling down – do let someone know. Talk to someone. And remember, just because the media and retailers tell you everyone is having a fantastic time, it’s just not so. Don’t feel obliged to do anything you don’t want to do (ever). Take care of yourselves – it’s a holiday out there!

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.15

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Dec 032010

Old Susannah takes time off from hanging effigies of ACSEF members and cooncilors from the branches of her Christmas tree to bestow enlightenment upon us in her latest weekly instalment for Voice….

Just a reminder to Voice readers that there are still public meetings scheduled at which you can meet the stars of the City Council and tell them what a great job they’re doing and maybe even get an autograph. That’s if the roads are clear enough for your car or bus, if any are running, to get you there. There will also be a public hearing into the plans for Loirston Loch in the near future. Old Susannah has a slot to speak at this meeting, so please write in with your thoughts on this proposed AFC move. What do you like best – less birds and less wildlife? The opportunity to travel from the city centre to the stadium down fast-moving Wellington Road? The red glow of the new stadium made to match the embarrassed blushes of the team and the fans? Do let me know.

Defence Special

We all sleep soundly in our beds at night knowing that our military can blow the world up several times over with Trident missiles and the like. As the saying goes, ‘the best defence is a good offence’. And let’s face it, there are a lot of really offensive things going on.

Military Intelligence : We know how good the UK military is at gathering important intelligence and using it wisely. The odd rendition flight and bout of waterboarding helps immensely. But it all takes equipment. Lots and lots of expensive equipment. Of course, it’s to be expected that there will be occasional overspends on some of our military hardware. It’s easy to go to the shops and spend more than you expected to, so if the country’s defence commissioners are currently over budget by £35 billion, it’s just par for the course. You might get the occasional multi-million-pound plane that won’t fly, or a commission for ships which are obsolete before being built, but that’s just how it is. Where would we be without our Nimrods? At least our military goods are appreciated in the third world where they are widely used.

On rare occasions, our troops are slightly under-equipped – such as during the important, clear-cut war we are fighting in Afghanistan. Wrong tanks, wrong guns, wrong clothing, wrong housing – the soldier can put up with all of that, knowing that the brains in charge of the purse strings are at least getting the nuclear weapons orders in. There was a worry for a brief time, as a Supreme Court had declared that soldiers should be given the correct equipment for battle conditions, or their human rights were being breached. Happily, such an unworkable Supreme Court decision was quickly overturned by Lord Philips, who understands that this human rights business isn’t that important. The odd death from improper equipment or heatstroke? These things happen.

Yes, with Nick Clegg’s full backing of our Kate, it’s not long before we’ll appreciate what a gem we have in her

Chivalry : In days of old, handsome, honourable, strong knights in shining armour rode out to the rescue of fair damsels in distress under the Code of Chivalry. Some say Chivalry is dead – but here is an example which may bring a tear of joy to the eye.

No less a chivalric gentleman than Nick Clegg himself is coming to the aid of our own beautiful damsel in distress, Kate Dean! This champion of truth and honour thinks our Kate is misunderstood, and has directed the London Liberal-Democrat machine to improve her image. And if Nick supports Kate, that’s good enough for me. Nick did after all, promise before the Election that tuition fees would not be raised, and just look how he stuck to his principles on that score.

Clegg has asked the crack team of Lib Dem advisors to help with ‘communication’ – no doubt they will be able to explain Clegg’s position on Aberdeen’s financial condition. Nick has said that all the other parties in Aberdeen are responsible for our financial condition and that the Lib Dems, in power here for eight years until recently, are completely blameless. I can’t wait to hear how he reached that conclusion. As to improving Kate’s image, I wonder what the London party machine has in store? Will she be popping up like Anne Widdicombe on Strictly Come Dancing? Will she be made to eat slugs in the jungle on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!? The mind boggles.

As to improving Kate Dean’s communication skills, she was recently quoted as feeling that there is “…no mention of any of the good things which we are doing.” Old Susannah would like to help compile a list of these great accomplishments for Kate. What’s your favourite? When she closed your school, pool or service? When she marched alongside the massive numbers of people protesting against her council services cuts? When she built the sewage plant? When she sold the hospital at Pitfodels to a certain local developer? All the money she pumped into the AECC while she was on its board? Hard to pick just one, isn’t it?

Yes, with Nick Clegg’s full backing of our Kate, it’s not long before we’ll appreciate what a gem we have in her. I guess we all dream of a knight in shining armour like Nick. Truth be told, I think I’m a bit envious.

Defensive Football : AFC seem to take the concept of ‘a good offence is the best defence’ a bit too literally. Maybe they should try defending their net. One thing they will all be defending is the obvious need to ruin Loirston Loch with the proposed ‘community’ stadium. Let’s see if they can win that one.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 14

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Nov 262010

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Get Well Soon

To the 126 Aberdeenshire and 169 Aberdeen City Council employees who are either sick or suspended with pay. Perhaps there is some serious illness doing the rounds in Grampian?

The Telegraph has produced an interactive map showing Council expenditures and expenses throughout the UK; the number of our city and shire’s absentees on the payroll is many times higher than the number to be found anywhere else in Scotland. In fact, the Bureau of Investigative Journalism reports Aberdeen City Council is 4th in the whole of the UK for number of staff on long-term sick – with the Shire’s council hot on its heels at No. 6. But when it comes to the average number of sick days lost per year per person, no other council in the country can hold a candle to Aberdeen: 15.5 days each year are lost on average for every one of the council’s employees. The Council makes me feel ill; looks like I’m not alone in that.

Journalism : The free press has been called the ‘Fourth Estate’, referring to its ideal function which is acting as an unofficial fourth branch of government, providing balance and information to ensure freedom of ideas, and thereby keeping a check on government and fostering democracy. A free, non-biased press should provide information for its readers to digest so they can reach their own conclusions.

No less a figure than outgoing Editor Derek Tucker of the Press & Journal recently addressed the ‘Society of Editors’; he complained that journalism courses are not producing the right calibrate of journalists. Tucker said “… very few [of the journalism graduates] possess the street cunning and inquisitiveness that is the hallmark of good journalists and it often appears that English is a second language.”

Old Susannah wonders what would make for a bad newspaper. Would it be headlines created from extremely bad, old-fashioned puns? Gigantic photos camouflaging the lack of journalistic content? Deliberately biased stories favouring the plans of the paper’s larger advertisers? Elevation of minor local news stories above more important world events? Misleading headlines and stories – perhaps (just as an example) painting opponents of City and Shire council plans (like the destruction of UTG) as being organised, ignorant trouble-makers? Deliberate lack of investigative journalism focus on powerful local figures and institutions? Printing stories a day or two after they appeared on the BBC website? Elevating mediocre stories of minor sporting events to gigantic epics to fill space? Lack of spelling and grammatical know-how?

Thankfully, we have had Mr Tucker to save us from such appalling stuff. It is also most unkind that Derek Tucker has been given an unflattering nickname in the ‘Cockney rhyming style’. Obviously he has studiously encouraged ‘street cunning and inquisitiveness’ at the P&J, by ensuring corruption in public and private sectors is uncovered, and by printing such a wide range of opinion and thought in the editorial section.

We wish “Miserable F…” – I mean Derek Tucker – a happy retirement.

There is nothing natural about the City’s attitude to the natural landscape

Landscapes : In my last column, I wrote about a green, leafy landscape painting of Union Terrace Gardens I’d seen. Aberdeen City Council, too, appreciates landscapes; in its ‘Planning and Sustainable Development’ web page it gives the nod to how very important landscapes are.

Believe it or not, landscapes are what we put buildings in. If that is not clear, they have put a picture of a tree in a wide expanse of green field on the web page to illustrate the point – although finding a sole tree in a huge field would be a hard task in this town.

While our City Planners admit on their web page that landscapes ‘..provide the settings of towns and cities and make an important contribution to environmental quality and a sense of place’, they certainly don’t want developers to think the landscape should have to stay as it is. There is nothing natural about the City’s attitude to the natural landscape – anyone (like Mr Milne) can develop almost anything as long as once they destroy the existing natural landscape and wildlife habitats, they make some new landscape in place of the old. As the planners put it,

“… when applying for planning permission for a new development, a landscape scheme for the external spaces around buildings will often need to accompany proposals”.

It is this policy which will allow Mr Milne to destroy Loirston Loch’s natural habitats and beauty – all he needs is a scheme to plant a shrub and have some kind of landscape at some future point. And fair enough – when we are in the community stadium listening to Status Quo or finding out who can do the broad jump further than the next guy, we won’t care what used to be there. The last remnants of wildlife which depend on Loirston as a stopping point to rest, feed and drink will just go to one of the many other lochs and green fields we’ve got, even if the closest is miles away – the extra exercise will probably do the animals good. For far too long the developers have had to jump through hoops to get permission for their schemes (permission which they were always going to get in the first place). Something had to be done to speed things up, and it has…

It is official then – no more boring old-fashioned people interested in the environment, old buildings, history, etc

Modernisation of Planning Process : Scotland, the Shire and the City have been too demanding in the past of the kindly souls who want to turn our fields into housing estates, community stadiums and shopping malls for our benefit. Thankfully, the process for planning is being modernised. To modernise means to update a scheme, law, or way of doing things to bring it in line with how it would have been done in the 1960s. No more ‘unnecessary’ consultations with Community Councils – as Cove and Nigg Community Councils can attest to. In fact, Aberdeen now boasts that

“…we only consult where necessary with the agencies – SNH, SEPA, Transport Scotland, Historic Scotland, …”

It is official then – no more boring old-fashioned people interested in the environment, old buildings, history, etc. will be engaged unless absolutely necessary. Build what you want. SEPA is clearly on board with this thinking already – it had a chance to make an evaluation on the planned ‘community’ stadium’ – and came up with three relatively minor objections relating to drainage and the like. Maybe they think the concrete and parking spaces will help protect the environment. Maybe SEPA is due for a re-naming and re-branding exercise – getting rid of the quaint references to ‘Environment’ and ‘Protection’ would be a good start.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 13

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Nov 192010

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

Aesthetics : The Northern Hotel in Aberdeen has a cheerful, charming, lively painting for sale by an artist named Robin Green. It is of something called Union Terrace Gardens. Old Susannah knows a thing or two about painting, and knows this artist must have taken a good deal of time and effort over this bright, leafy scene. The nice folks at ASCEF will be doing Robin a favour by turning Union Terrace Gardens into a slab of concrete – Robin won’t need nearly as many colours for any future paintings of the area, and painting a grey square will certainly be a much quicker, easier task.

Next time you’re in the Northern, have a look for this painting. It might be of use to historians some time in the not-too-distant future if they want to know what a landscape looked like.

Redundancy : One definition of redundancy is to lose your job; redundancy also means unnecessary repetition. In terms of jobs, 900 Aberdeen City Council employees apparently face unemployment. Old Susannah hopes that everyone will be OK, and that none of the core services (like change management) will be affected; she is just surprised that the Council didn’t wait until Christmas Eve to make the announcement for dramatic effect. It should also be noted that in the past, Council employees were told in so many words not to join protests, write letters in support of schools and services to the press, and not to sign petitions: if they did, then their jobs might be at risk.

There will now be 900 people free from the Council’s helpful, caring guidance as to what to think, write and say. Let’s just hope none of these 900 will do or say anything to criticise the City, or talk about what goes on in those hallowed halls. Thankfully, there is little left to save anyway, so there won’t be much in the way of protest or petition left to do. Guess it’s all working out for the best. As mentioned in an earlier column, it’s extremely useful we have an expensive Change Management team – it looks as if there will be changes. Some years ago, Old Susannah learnt that the Council had over 725 people in jobs earning more than £35,000 per year. If you are interested, 725 times £35,000 minimum salary is a minimum of £25,375,000. That was the result of a Freedom of Information request – no wonder Councillor Kev Stewart thinks such requests can be ‘absurd’ Yes, ‘value for money’ remains key.

In terms of unnecessary repetition, I am absolutely certain that there are no job overlaps, no unnecessary job positions or tasks within our streamlined, business-like Council.

the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that

It’s not as if there are endless numbers of committees, pointless meetings, unnecessary reports, or expensive brochures published which no one wants or reads. However, if anyone knows of anything redundant within our Council, please do get in touch.

Corporatarchy : New words spring into life all the time; and a new word according to Miriam Webster is corporatarchy. This is a noun meaning “government according to corporate interests”. It’s about time governments started taking notice of business interests; once that happens, we will have economic prosperity for all. Clearly Aberdeen City Council could go a lot further to help its local businessmen. Thankfully, it has found at least one helpful way to do so: it wants to set up a company to look after its assets.

The hundreds of highly-paid professionals within the Council (see above) are struggling as it is to travel and hold meetings; it is unfair to expect them to look after the City’s assets. I am sure that corporate control by an outside agency will only benefit the remaining parks, museums, etc. that we the taxpayers of the City own. After all, the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that.

Hairpiece : Toupee or not toupee – that is the question when you look at a powerful man with a full, virile head of hair. Is it his own? Is it a weave, a wig, a rug (literally), roadkill or a genetic mutation? Old Susannah’s spies tell of a powerful local who is vain to the point of owning two hairpieces – one short, and one slightly shaggy. He would wear the former for a week or two, switch to the longer one, and tell friends and staff he needed a haircut. Then, out came the shorter wig again. Old Susannah can’t believe anyone would be that vain, and would ask people not to tell such tall, incredible tales any longer.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No.11

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Nov 052010

This week Old Susannah looks at the important work of Aberdeen City, Shire and ASCEF. But first she would like to note the international recognition given to the Shetland Islands as a world-class destination.

The Shetlands won a spot on the world’s top ten places according to The Lonely Planet guide. I don’t see it myself – aside from unique landscapes, diverse wildlife, archaeology, northern lights and an ancient heritage, there’s not much to these isles – not even a shopping mall. Think how much better it could be there if they’d only build a concrete public square and a few hundred holiday homes. Perhaps a delegation from ASCEF could help. And here’s what ASCEF has done for us lately:

Regional Identity

Before ASCEF came along, no one in the world knew where Aberdeen or indeed the North East of Scotland was. There was no Regional Identity (except for a Scottish history stretching to prehistory, discoveries and inventions known the world over, and both architecture and wild landscape immortalised by artists and writers). Well, we have a Regional Identity now. This identity apparently means that finally businesses in the area can compete in the world. You can almost feel the motivation. I can hear you asking now, what good is a Regional Identity without a logo, strapline and philosophy? Quite.

Aberdeen City and Shire – The logo

For reasons of copyright (and aesthetics), I am not reproducing the beautiful logo here – but I do encourage you to seek it out on the Aberdeen City Council website. Words cannot do it justice, but I shall do my best. First there is the shape – it echoes the Grampian coastline (if the coastline were a boomerang). Then there is groundbreaking lettering rendered in a bold, confident yet plain font which announces: “ABERDEEN CITY AND SHIRE” in full capital letters to emphasise how important we are. You can almost sense the improving economic investment into the area this lettering alone will bring.

These words make you instantly feel optimistic, and ready to face life head on

There are squiggly lines – sorry waves which not only let people know we are on a coastline ( Did you know that?) but also demonstrate how connected we are (of course anyone with an artistic streak will immediately get it).

There didn’t seem to be any graphic reference to the beautiful sewerage plant on said coastline, which was no doubt an artistic decision reached after weeks of deliberation. There is a cityscape just like ‘Sex in the City’ had.

There is also reference to trees in this masterpiece, but no doubt they can be airbrushed out once we’ve got rid of Union Terrace Gardens. The blue and green colour scheme apparently reflects our natural environment (maybe they ran out of grey paint?). Strangely neither the Council nor ASCEF seem to respond to my freedom of information requests with any regularity, but if any of you would like to ask how much of our money went into the logo, strategy, strapline and the Identity Team, please let me know what you can find out. But wait – it gets better…

Natural Pioneers

No, our governors and business leaders are not ‘Natural Pioneers’ because they are determined to tame any remaining wilderness . This pioneering spirit is the state of mind we are all in according to those who designed our new identity. Old Susannah admits to being a bit confused by the literature describing this value because it explains that our culture and history show we naturally have a can do attitude .

This seems a wee bit at odds with their previous claim that we were unknown to the outside world. I am not sure which is true, but I will look through the ‘toolkit’ which the ‘Regional Identity Team’ has created to see if I can get to the bottom of it. Should any reader be able to explain this to me, please get in touch.

A Brighter Outlook

A Brighter Outlook is what we have in Aberdeen, as the ‘strapline’ tells us. These words make you instantly feel optimistic, and ready to face life head on. The outside world will of course totally believe things are great here because of the strapline and the logo. A few squiggles, a cityscape, and the immortal words ‘A Brighter Outlook’ will have investors queuing up to get their money placed here. We will have more Donald Trumps. Thank you ASCEF, and thank you Regional Identity Team.

I suggest you write to your elected representative to express how happy you are that a team has been established and money spent to put Aberdeen’s future in this wonderful light. Or take direct action and contact the Regional Identity Team directly at St Nicholas House. Let’s ensure they keep up the good work and that they won’t suffer in the budget cuts. Best we get rid of the income that charities used to rely on from the Golden Square parking area than we cut a cent from our Regional Identity team (I wonder how many people it took to do all of this fantastic work?).

Only one thing is missing: we need a photo of a person who embodies all of the things our City and Shire stand for. Please send your nominations.

Next week: Budget special: creative accounting, ringfencing, consultation updates

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No. 9

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Oct 222010

Old Susannah gets to grips with more tricky terms.

Old Susannah has been having a great time at the newly-opened Brewdog pub, across from Marischal College. Great selection of beers from this creative Aberdeenshire brewery and from other parts of the globe, as well as great food await you. They also happened to have my favourite ever cheese last time I was there.

I got to try a small glass of the Sink The Bismarck extra extra strong beer – which had been vilified in the press on the basis that people would be downing bottles of it just because it was so strong.

Some people wanted it banned and said it was nearly as bad for the world as Buckfast.

I tried it, I liked it, and I can say that no sensible person is any more likely to down massive quantities of it than they would be to drink 10 bottles of a strong liqueur: it is for gentle sipping only in small doses. Only drawback to this pub whatsoever is its location – expect a few unsavoury characters going in once the City Council mandarins move into Marischal College.

Profit-sharing
What did Aberdeen City Council expect six years ago when it sold Stewart Milne Group 11 acres of land in Westhills for £365,000 (wouldn’t you like a deal like that?)? They had expected to get a share of future profits if Milne sold or leased the land. They call this Profit-Sharing. Selling the land at market value to the highest bidder might have seemed like a good idea as would renting it, but the experts knew better; I am surprised those responsible aren’t coming forward to claim the praise they deserve. Someone in the Council cooked up this great deal, and we parted with land worth considerably more than the selling price, as the Court found this week, and awaited a share of future sale profits.

If you are still with me, Stewart Milne Group then sold the land – to another Milne company.

The City Council asked for its profit share, but alas, despite the great acumen of Milne, the land was sold at a lowish value and the sale from one branch of the Milne empire to another cost about £500K to arrange. Poor them! Therefore there were no profits to share at all, and fair enough. Perhaps the Council should have given Milne money to cover his losses on the deal.

You would think The Council would show a bit more understanding of the Milne shareholders’ needs, but they have actually taken the issue to Court to try and get a measly £1.7 million. You’d almost think we need the money the way ACC are pursuing this humble public servant, who thinks nothing of selflessly giving his time to sit on the board of ASCEF with no thought of personal gain or reward. It is a wonder Mr Milne can continue to do his best for Aberdeen’s citizens by trying to fill in their garden and build a shiny new stadium on greenbelt when he’s being so cruelly pursued. But the Council went ahead (spending taxpayers money all the while) to get the courts to agree Milne owes ACC the money.

After the judgment, the City Council had no comment. Doubtless they are busy preparing a statement saying why this was a good deal, how the price was determined, what other people were allowed to bid for the land, and what other land we’ve sold SMG. I can’t wait to read it.

Milne spokespeople however did comment to say not that they are sorry and will immediately give us £1.7 million pounds, but that they will be looking at their options. If however the Council has to make a further appeal, then taxpayers money will probably be used. How much money it will cost to get £1.7 million when we could have sold the land for more money isn’t important. This might be a good time to remind readers that ASCEF is meant to;

“… ensure a collaborative approach to growing the economy and enhancing quality of life”.

Cynics (if any out there) might wonder whether this is appropriate action for a member of ASCEF to be taking. But do console yourselves – there is now a new office complex on the Westhill land where sources tell me the architecture is beautiful, the HVAC works perfectly, and there are absolutely no leaks in the building’s fabric. We can only hope that more land will be made available for construction soon, and that ACC will leave this generous-spirited public servant alone.

Rebranding

If your product is losing popularity or if people are not on your side, then it’s time for some rebranding. Get yourself a consultant, spend some money, and you will be back on track before you know it. And that is what ASCEF have done with our tax money: It gives me great pleasure to announce that per the ASCEF website, “The project to elevate Union Terrace Gardens has been renamed the City Garden Project. Now that they put it that way, it seems like a much better idea. Not that we will ever know how much this exercise cost, but clearly you will agree it was worth every penny.

Last word (I hope) on animal cruelty
The beautiful Arabian mare featured in the news last week, with a massive chunk bitten out of its muzzle, has had to be destroyed following the attack by an out-of-control dog. Some person or persons have hung five kittens in Westhill outside of shops. Then we have the seagull shooter and the fox clubber. What is going on here?

I never intended this little column to become an animal cruelty feature, but the current crop of horror stories in Aberdeenshire can’t go without comment.

First, if you must own a dog which has been bred to be a powerful, unstoppable fighter, then definitely keep it on a leash and use a muzzle if you need to. The UK is filled with stories – eg the little girl in Dundee knocked off of her bicycle and mauled by two dogs – and the owners always say the same thing:

‘”It was always a nice dog, never any trouble, until it suddenly snapped for no reason”.

They usually are saying this to a child that’s been scarred for life (or to a coffin).

There is a message in these stories – but there are some dog owners out there who aren’t getting it. It was a beautiful, gentle horse that suffered horribly this time. I can’t imagine how the owner feels – but they were lucky they themselves weren’t seriously hurt. If things keep up, it won’t be long before it’s a child.

Secondly as to the small element of people who want to train their dogs to fight and to attack other animals, or people who deliberately inflict cruelty on helpless, innocent animals – someone please make that anonymous call to stop them. If you can stop a tragedy in the future, then you won’t be able to live with yourself if you do nothing now.

Finally, whoever killed the kittens needs to be identified. It is not a question of ‘if’ but ‘when’ their actions are going to escalate. Clearly they have been abused themselves, and if they’re not stopped more will suffer. Know something? Suspect something? Tell someone.

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