The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It – But We Don’t

 Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It – But We Don’t
Feb 182011
 

The Greeks May Have Had a Word For It, But as George Anderson points out, We Don’t.

There are more words in the Oxford English Dictionary than a hyperactive auctioneer could get through in a lifetime – half a million to be precise. Yet there are thousands of circumstances that have no words to describe them at all. This simply isn’t fair.

Take the occasionally errant behaviour of the toes for example.

Who has not made a futile attempt to climb into our underpants of a morning, still half asleep?  Only to find that no matter how wide the leg hole, nor how well aimed the foot, your little toe and its next-door neighbour will conjure themselves open like repelling magnets to grip the waistband of the pant with the ferocity of a Barbary Coast lobster?

Nine times out of ten this will result in falling backwards over the edge of the bed into the laundry basket to the accompaniment of your favourite oath. There is a ten percent chance of course, that you will miss the laundry basket altogether, and end up testing the integrity of your cranium on the radiator housing.

Now surely something as life threatening as this should have a word to describe it. So, may I humbly propose to the OED word number 500,001:

Tobermory (noun);
The near supernatural ability of one’s toes to conspire against the wearing of their owner’s underpants.

If only there was some way to forecast when your toes might take against you in this way you could save yourself a lot of stress – not to mention a nasty skull fracture – by just going commando for the day.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.24

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  Comments Off on Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.24
Feb 182011
 

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events ducking under the radar as well as making the headlines,  and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

It seems the Ministry of Defence is in hot water again, although I don’t see what the fuss is all about.  The Armed Forces had to make budget cuts (probably because of all those planes they bought can’t actually fly), and are letting people go.

In keeping with their historically tight budget controls, people being made redundant were informed by email, thereby saving the expense of postage stamps and letters and avoiding the tedious exercise of telling people face-to-face they would soon be jobless.

What they probably should have done was to leave a portable computer on a train with the info in it – that seems to be how they usually prefer to release information.

I guess it might have been a bit inconvenient to the people on the front lines in Afghanistan getting these emails, but remember, these are professional soldiers.  No doubt they will read the email announcing their joblessness, and just get on with the war (or police action, or intervention, or whatever exactly we’re calling this one at the moment).  It’s not as if the thought of unemployment might prey on their minds when they are on the front lines trying to stay alive, and since the UK economy is in such rosy shape, no doubt these folks will have a choice of high-flying jobs at their fingertips when they get back home.

For those lucky unemployed ex-soldiers, if they’re coming home to Aberdeen, we’ll have a host of jobs related to the Community Arena.  Yes, Dr (of what I don’t know) Margaret Bochel has delivered a report following the Loirston hearing:  the Community Arena Stadium will be an iconic building that will attract people from all over the world and make us all rich.  Pollution, greenbelt and animal habitats pale into insignificance when compared to the importance of a new home for the Dons.

In case you didn’t know the people involved in this scheme include someone from the Cove Bay Rangers, who have a related scheme.
And yes, it is just a coincidence that Kate Dean’s husband is connected to CBR (STOP PRESS:  I have just received the following advice about Mr Dean’s connection to the CBR:  “…the information on the ACC website refers to Cove Rangers Supporters Club, which is very different from the Board of Cove Rangers.  As Mr Dean is also a referee, I was told that it is unlikely that the information on the website is correct as it would not be appropriate for him to be Chair of the Supporters Club”.  Old Susannah must apologise for thinking there would be some kind of link between the supporters club and the football team itself. Silly mistake.

I don’t think there can be much fun at Glencraft just now – it’s one obstacle after another.
Manager Andy Laing – who has given years to keeping the dream of Glencraft alive – has been given a little rent increase by our beloved City Council.  In the old days the rent was just £1, reflecting the social importance of the business.  And what was the rent increase our Council came up with for this historic factory which does so much for people with sight impairment or who face other ability challenges?

While the new rent fee wouldn’t even pay for a decent consultant, Glencraft now have to find £120,000. This isn’t a great deal of money after all; it’s only 1% of the £11 million the City wrote off the other year in bad debts.

it is plain to see that we’ve got the best trained councillors in the northern hemisphere solving our problems

Glencraft will manage no doubt; if not, then it is a dog-eat-dog economy after all.  But in case you want to show your support, get to Glencraft next time you need a piece of furniture however large or small (or even go and buy a scented candle).  Old Susannah bought a lovely wooden chest there recently, and will be back soon.  Glencraft is open evenings and Saturdays.

Finally a small complaint – the Post Office doesn’t seem to be running very smoothly at the moment.  I keep checking my letterbox, but still the Valentines cards from Dean and Milne haven’t arrived.  Posties – please check your bags; many thanks.

Words in the news this week…

Training

The sharpest City Council minds know they need to stay on top of the latest developments and trends, or they will be left behind, looking like old-fashioned throwbacks unaware of current best practice in a changing world.  Training is the answer.  To train (verb) is the ‘act of imparting or receiving information or skills’.  Last financial year, Aberdeen City Councillors only had £10,000 or so spent on their training needs (just slightly over the figure Ms Dean claimed in expenses that year), but this was money well spent.  The City’s web pages don’t readily show who went on the courses, where they were held or how long they lasted, but it is plain to see that we’ve got the best trained councillors in the northern hemisphere solving our problems.

We do know what the courses were called, and you will be impressed to hear that they included ‘Best Practice in Employment Services’ which will explain the recent smooth handling of the Council’s staffing / salary issues.  The employer/employee relationships at the Council don’t just happen by accident – it is all a matter of tact and diplomacy, fostered by a great training programme.

Another training course you and I pay for, ‘Equality is Essential for Elected Members’ springs to mind; I guess Councillors are told not to discriminate, and that would explain why men and women at the Council are paid equally.  This would also explain why Glencraft, recipient of a rent rise from £1 to £120,000 this year, are being treated just like everyone else.  I suppose that in these cash-strapped times, any councillor or dignitary receiving a peppercorn rent will have been handed a similar rent rise.

The more intellectual councillor can attend courses such as “Hot Topic – Granite City Grit”, “Access to Information”, and “Safe and Stronger”.    I can see the Grit being a hard issue to get a grip on, seeing as we can’t afford any and the ‘Access to Information’ course is not an easy matter either, seeing as they now want to close a half dozen libraries, so information will be harder to come by.  ‘Safer and Stronger’ might involve how to work out at the gym, but I suspect it refers to the safer and stronger economy we have because of the plans of our elected officials.

But the course that clearly has had the most impact?  The “Public Value Seminar” of course.

There also is something called a “Distributed Leadership Seminar”; perhaps this is where the Liberal Democrat / SNP ‘coalition’ learns how to share the leadership of the City in such a seamless fashion.  But the course that clearly has had the most impact?  The “Public Value Seminar” of course.

Association for Public Service Excellence (noun)

A federation set up to recognise outstanding performance throughout the UK by elected officials and local governments.

John Stewart will happily explain his role representing Aberdeen City Council on the Association for Public Service Excellence board to anyone who wants to know, but as he’s a busy man just now, I’ll give it a go.

The “Association for Public Service Excellence” or ‘APSE’ to its friends serves several useful functions in today’s society, keeping the public in the luxurious style it is accustomed to.  Community Councillors from across the UK get together for an Awards Ceremony, no doubt the taxpayer funds the trip and hotel out of gratitude.  I am pretty sure that the BAFTA and Oscar/Academy Awards were started as a reaction to the publicity and glamour that APSE award ceremonies attract.

You will in no way be surprised to hear that Aberdeen has nearly won some awards.  Did you know that in the 2010 APES awards, Aberdeen was a runner up in the Best Employee and Equality Initiative category – sponsored by Unison?  It is a strange thing that we didn’t win it.  After all, we have paid men and women equally for a few days now and Unison officials do work closely with the Council, even if it is in the context of Unison trying to save its members from job losses and salary cuts.

Other awards we nearly won were for our ‘Best community & Neighbourhood Initiatives” –  who else has the foresight to close every community and neighbourhood local service they can and replace them with a giant stadium out of town?  How did we lose that one?

I could not find any photographs of Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt at the last APSE award ceremony, but there are lovely shots of local councillors from across the UK in their finest evening attire; just visit the APSE website for all the glamour you would expect.  Better luck next year!  Keep your award acceptance speech handy, Mr. Stewart:  You’ll be needing it one of these years.

Outsource (verb)

To outsource or privatise is to take an asset or service from the public sector (City Council for instance), and sell it off to a private company or invent a ‘private’ company to do what taxpayer money has paid local government to do in the first place.  The benefit is that the taxpayer is liberated from responsibility in future for the asset – this is also known as ‘selling off the family silver’.  We have seen for instance how much more efficient and affordable our trains became after privatisation.

If I can’t understand how this will save money in the long term, that’s just my lack of education

Pensioners in retirement homes in Aberdeen rejoice!  No doubt following consultation with you and your families, the City are considering putting your care in the hands of the Private Sector.  You see, the Council needs to save money, and it costs money to care for you.  So if we take the money the taxpayers contribute to the city, give it to a private company that is in business to make money, your homes will magically cost less to run.

To ensure everything goes smoothly, some councillors are suggesting councillors be on the board of the company that will run your homes.  Since private companies need to turn profits unlike (obviously) the city, there may be a few changes and a few corners cut, but seeing as how this would never happen without your agreement, congratulations on this wise business move.  If I can’t understand how this will save money in the long term, that’s just my lack of education.  Still, when has the Council ever steered us wrong?

Marks & Spencer Dine in for Two for a Tenner follow up:

Some time back I wrote about the Marks & Spencer ‘Dine in for 2 for £10’ offers, and how they were destroying the fabric and morals of our otherwise genteel society, and how the SNP were working to save us by getting the Scottish Parliament to ban M&S from making these offers.

Well, I need to confess:  I’ve done a deal with M&S. There I was last weekend in M&S, looking for sensible socks and radishes, when I heard a crowd of excited people.  When I looked up, all became clear.  In giant red and pink signs, Marks & Sparks was offering yet another deal involving alcohol.  But no £10 deal this time – no, the price had been doubled.

A man offered me a box of candy if I took the deal (I think this is referred to as a ‘sweetener’), and as a swarm of people of all ages around me fought over strawberries and mashed potato side dishes, I knew I had been sucked in.  So – I recklessly blew my entire food budget, and have nothing to show for it but two sirloin steaks, a bag of salad (‘leaf’ or ‘herb’ they call it), strawberries, scallops, chocolates – and of course booze – which is the real reason anyone buys into this scheme at all.  Yes, there are now two ‘Irish Coffees’ as they are known, sitting in my kitchen.   I  can think of nothing else – they came specially ‘prepared’ for me in glass containers which I can re-use – making it pretty certain I will be making more Irish Coffee in the future:  this is another insidious way M&S keep me coming back for more.

Will I keep both Irish Coffees for myself?  Share one?  Have one now and another another time?  Will I be able to handle it, or will I wake up days later in a police cell, holding an empty coffee glass and a half-eaten box of chocolates?  Don’t let this happen to you – tell the SNP you fully support their plan to stop Marks & Spencer. It’s too late for me – I’m used to eating decent pre-packaged food and nice steaks with wine. I hope you learn from my mistakes and save yourselves.

Coming soon:  statutory consultee, expert, ‘green spaces new places’ initiative; greed

Feb 182011
 

By Bob Smith.

Fit a stramash roon Loirston wye
Aboot the Dons new fitba hame
The local fowk are up in airms
Claimin some are nae playin the game

Noo richt awa I maun declare
An interest in aa iss spik
As I masel can be fun
At Pittodrie ilka second wikk

I hiv an interest as weel
In conservation o greenbelt lan
An fir mair than 5 decades
I’ve bin a wildlife fan

Noo aat’s said let’s hae a look
At the argiement for an agin
Tho’ ti build on protected lan
Iss ti me wid be a sin

Fir greenbelt lan it wid seem
Planners dinna hae muckle time
Nivver myn the flora an fauna
Jist cover it wi steen an lime

The Community Cooncil hiv great doots
Aboot the traffic an the parkin
Cloggin up aa the road arteries
Iss scheme they think is barkin

It’s nae surprise yon Stewartie Milne
Is richt ahin aa this caper
Wi lots o his business freens
An the “rag” o a local paper

I’ve hid a wird wi a fyow Dons fans
Faa ken the move is nigh
Maist are nae in favour
O a move oot Loirston wye

Bit losh I’m fair dumfoonert
Fit wye AFC canna upgrade
Aa the stands an ither bitties
Wi a new Main Stand ti be made

The new biggin it’ll glow aa reid
Fin the Dons play nicht matches
It micht be thocht a UFO
An be mentioned in RAF dispatches

The P&J – oh fit a surprise
Think aathing’ll be a bonus
They shud tell us aa the facts
An hae an impartial focus

Noo fowk aa ower the toon
At iss thocht will faa aboot
An impartial view fae the P&J
We’ll nivver hae I doot


©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

Feb 112011
 

As Valentines Day appraoaches,  Voice’s Rhonda Reekie shows us all how easy it is to show your undying love to your partner at the same time as your love for the planet.

Thousands of cards are sent on Valentines Day; make sure yours is made of card from sustainable forests and is printed using eco-friendly inks.

Better still make your own card – nothing says ‘I love you’ like a card made out of toilet roll, Pritt stick and stick man drawings (Hey ‘Purple Ronnie’ made a fortune from it!).

Make sure any chocolate you buy for your loved ones is organic and Fair Trade – okay, they are more expensive, but they taste better, and how much are you actually going to eat once you have scraped the melted chocolate off the bedsheets!

Going out for a meal? If you are, then go to a restaurant that serves organic and local produce.  Even better and cheaper: stay at home and cook them their favourite meal, then you choose your own music, candles and wine. You may not even make it to the pudding ….. and hey, you can’t do that in a restaurant without getting arrested!

Buying flowers? Tthen buy local flowers in season like daffodils or tulips, not ‘bird of paradise’ flowers from halfway round the globe. It is a good idea to buy a potted plant or even plant a tree or shrub for them – that way every time they see it, it will remind them of your love for them (take care not to let it die though – who wants to remember their love as shrivelled and dried up!).

For the misers out there, there are many free ways to express your devotion on Valentines: how about a hand-made voucher book – you paste in free voucher which can be reclaimed at any point – for instance, to do the dishes, get the shopping, put out the rubbish, feed the cats, etc.
This one is better for blokes, as most women do these things all the time anyway, and I would personally insist my husband’s book included a few free vouchers for cleaning the toilet!

Offer to give a massage or run a bath and fill it full of planet friendly smellies , get in and share it!   Write a poem for your beloved – emphasising their goods points; their kindness and their beauty – poems about their cuddly beer bellies, muffin tops or the way they drool when asleep do not go down well, and are not romantic!

Don’t go too far on the cheapness though; if you are planning to propose that day, then make sure the ring has a conflict- free diamond, and don’t do as one of my associates did and offer a sustainable carved wooden ring – needless to say they did not get married – you can go too far!!

Feb 112011
 

Are Ye Dancin’?: The Story of Scotland’s Dance Halls – And How Yer Dad Met Yer Ma! – Eddie Tobin with Martin Kielty.

Apparently published 6 months ago, this seems to have a had a marketing push recently so the Voice’s David Innes hangs on grimly as erstwhile promoter Tobin’s history of Scottish dancehalls spins him and his two left feet around an over-slipperened dancefloor.

My favourite story about dancehalls isn’t included in Tobin’s memoirs of the heydays of small town ballrooms and city Locarnos.

Abridged, it concerns a Borders village school full of NE lorry drivers in the early 1960s pre-motorway days, billeted there temporarily for the weekend due to the A74’s closure by snow.

As all the boys wash and dress, apply Brylcreem and polish their shoes preparing to go to the Saturday night dance, one worthy, possibly a Charlie Alexander’s driver, is lying on his mattress, unshaven, smoking and reading the paper. When asked if he’s intending getting ready to demonstrate his slow-slow-quick-quick-slow prowess to the good burghers of Kirkpatrick Fleming, his response is, “Na na, I’m nae muckle o’ a dancer, but be sure and gie’s a shout eence the f***ing starts”.

To anyone who has ever smuggled a half bottle into the toilets at Aberlour’s Fleming Hall, who stood back in awe and no little fear as the Buckpool Boot Boys terrorised 1970s weekends in Cullen and Rothienorman, who “bonded” with a member of the opposite gender in the lanie behind St K’s, or who used the business end of a Guild Bass as an improvised bat as the missiles flew at a Grantown-Rothes contretemps at Archiestown (that Kabul to the locals), Are Ye Dancin’? will be like reading a diary of their mis-spent youth.

Although Tobin’s account of those supposedly-innocent days concentrates mainly on his own reminiscences of wheeling and dealing behind the scenes to promote his own acts, considerable space is given over to the personal anecdotes of agents, managers, patrons and performers from the heyday of dancehalls from post-war onwards, even touching on the modern club scene.

the ensuing three nights of frenetic frugging and torso-torturing twisting were looked forward to all week

In addition, despite much of the collection of memories focussing on palaces of hedonistic delight far removed from our own shared and blessed region of Scotland, the mere mention of Bapper Hendry and Albert Bonici and the premises and acts they guarded fiercely, will delight anyone of that era who ever had to transact with these two lovable but canny entrepreneurs.

The 60s and 70s dominate, a period during which, in the words of the opening credits to Friday evening’s Ready Steady Go, “the weekend starts here” and the ensuing three nights of frenetic frugging and torso-torturing twisting were looked forward to all week as social release by dance addicts holed up in offices and factories throughout the land.

It is a worthy companion piece to Torry’s own incorrigible rogue, Peter Innes’s, marvellous ‘Fit Like New York?’ although not nearly so in-depth or painstakingly-researched. Even at 180 pages, it’ll take no more than half a day to read and wallow in memories of the joys, sorrows and ever-present optimism of youth.

Glance down the index and assimilate the names of temples of weekend pleasure long gone, falling apart or still limping along and you’ll be back in ‘68, anticipating that sweaty crush, the hellishly-blended aroma of smoke, perfume, beer, hair oil, damp and nail varnish in the Broch’s Dalrymple Hall, the Railway Hall, Inverurie, St Congan’s in Turriff, Elgin’s classy Two Red Shoes or the Beach Ballroom itself.

As Wordsworth once wrote, possibly as he anticipated a Friday night huckle-bucking to The Lakes Showband at Grasmere Parish Hall,

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,
But to be young was very heaven.

Are Ye Dancin’? Eddie Tobin with Martin Kielty. Waverley Books. 180 pages. £9.99.

Feb 042011
 

Aberdeen Voice’s Old Susannah tackles some more tricky terms with a locally topical taste, just as soon as she gets a few things off her chest which have apparently been ‘makin her bleed bile’.

Many thanks to people for sending in stories from our war-torn City Council; – some of them beggar belief.  You might recall the very sad story in the news last week of a pensioner – a frail, elderly woman in Ireland – who was starved to death.

Her ‘carer’ has been caught on video eating the food the poor woman was meant to eat:  the patient died of starvation in a hospital.

Thankfully there is no one in all of Aberdeen who would steal food meant for the elderly or infirm.  Therefore, I am discounting the story sent to me of Council people taking butter and other staples a few years back that had been meant for the elderly:  it simply would not happen here.

Otherwise, keep your true stories of council (mis)deeds rolling in.

It looks as if there is trouble in Paradise – the dream team Lib Dem/SNP coalition, responsible for the smooth and successful Aberdeen we have today, is on the rocks.  This is disappointing asI was personally starting to think of Kate Dean as Juliet, and Kevin Stewart as Romeo.  First we hear that Council staff earning the massive sum of twenty one thousand or more per year were asked to take a mere 5% paycut.  This was rejected for some mysterious reason.

Next the Lib-Dems say they’ll take the cut themselves – a noble gesture if ever there was one.  The Unions still wouldn’t agree to the 5% cut, so the Lib Dems announced nine hundred jobs will go.  Following this, John Swinney steps in to say that this might be a bit of an extreme swing; he somehow thinks that some kind of dialogue and negotiation might have been useful first (I guess he doesn’t deal with Lib Dems very much).

‘NO ALTERNATIVE’ was the Lib Dem comment on the nine hundred job losses; they also accused their SNP partners of making the counter-proposals without Lib Dem permission as being ‘politically motivated’.  Next thing we knew, the SNP Group Leader/City Council Deputy Leader Kevin Stewart suggested the possibility of six hundred voluntary redundancies, and making the pay cut apply to those earning fifty thousand per year or better”.  This did not go down well with his Lib Dem counterpart council leader, Lib Dem John Stewart, who was ‘disappointed’ and is told that the Lib Dems would not support the new SNP plan.  (Exactly why there is ‘no alternative’ to sacking nine hundred people is something many of us would like explained; we probably aren’t clever enough to understand it without Lib Dem help).

The Council insists it needs to save £120 million over the next few years; and at the same time it wants to be a ‘partner’ in turning the greenbelt tranquillity of Loirston Loch into a glowing red elephant, and filling in Union Terrace Gardens for much-needed car parking space.  These great projects are obviously going to cost us but clearly these two multimillion pound ‘modern’ projects and how they will make Aberdeen ‘look’ to the rest of the envious world are more important than helping local people whose services have been eradicated or slashed, whose local sports facilities are closed, whose schools are closing and whose roads are crumbling.  Yes, we will look amazingly impressive to the rest of the world if we carry on as we are.  Let’s hope the Lib Dem/SNP lovebirds kiss and make up soon.

For this week’s dictionary definitions I am surprised that so many of you want clarification on two simple, easy-to-understand phrases.  Never look ignorant again:  by popular request, here we go…

Aberdeen Arena: (noun) A community stadium to be created jointly by Aberdeen Football Club, and Aberdeen City.  It will ensure prosperity, truth and justice for all.  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Great Pyramids, the Colossus at Rhodes will all be long forgotten when the world turns its eye on our glowing pink/red stadium, where once only endangered species flew and fed.

The City  Council paid for a one hundred and forty-four page ‘Aberdeen Arena Environmental Appraisal’, which compared two sites for this wonder, Kings Links and Loirston Loch.  For a variety of brilliant, scientific reasons, the conclusion was to keep the cricket pitch and golf driving range at Kings, and get rid of (or rather ‘incorporate’) the Rangers Service, and build on the greenbelt site.  This despite “…Increases in traffic flow in the area would lead to increases in local pollutant concentrations” at Loirston – where we already know Wellington Road has pollution hotspots.  Funny, the land at Loirston is relatively clean; this is in no way related to the fact it is currently green fields, and no doubt will stay just as clean once a twenty-one thousand seat stadium, eighty buses and fourteen hundred cars are on it.  My favourite scientific reason supporting the Loirston site is :

“The proposed construction activities are likely to be of a moderate to major scale and duration; therefore, according to the assessment criteria listed in Error! Reference source not found., significant effects may be encountered up to 200-500 metres from the construction areas”.

How can we possibly argue with that?

Mysteriously, this ‘Aberdeen Arena Environmental Appraisal’ could once be found readily on the Council’s website.  Perhaps Old Susannah is just getting too old to find info, but she can’t find it now.  Pity, as its sound arguments prove conclusively that getting rid of the Rangers, otters, bats, birds and plants is much more sensible than rebuilding Pittodrie or going to Kings Links.  Happily, Old Susannah has a copy – if you want it, do let me know.

Community Stadium: (noun) An Aberdeen Arena to be created jointly by Aberdeen Football Club, and Aberdeen City.  Having a  Community Stadium is “… Aberdeen City Council’s firm view on what should be included in the adopted Aberdeen Local Development Plan…..The Plan proposes 1,500 houses, 11 hectares of employment land and a new community stadium on a site at Loirston. A neighbouring site at Calder Park is identified for a smaller sports facility”.

This should of course not be confused with the Aberdeen Arena.  If you started calling something a ‘community stadium’ at one point and then an ‘Aberdeen Arena’ at another point, it might look like you:

a)  didn’t know what  you were talking about or

b)  like you deliberately wanted to confuse others.

Only the worst kind of cynic might suggest that if someone were on the board of an ‘Aberdeen Arena’ project, that they wanted an arena to be built.  Obviously no one on the City Council would be involved on such a board or committee and still sit in judgement at a hearing on having a stadium at the Loirston site (identified as a brilliant place for it by the Appraisal).

It would be more cynical yet to suggest that if the Local Development Plan is ‘Aberdeen City Council’s firm view on what should happen’ and that a community stadium is part of it, there was some kind of bias on the part of the City to build one.  That kind of thinking is instantly disproved by the City’s holding an open hearing on 14 January at which it displayed just how open minded it was on the subject.

Employment Opportunities: (modern phrase, noun) A situation occurring in prosperous areas for highly-skilled persons to be given financial reward in exchange for using their abilities.  A highly-educated, greatly experienced person might, for example, find herself sitting on a City Council, convening important meetings, sitting on various Executive Boards and being rewarded for her incisive grasp of crucial points, intellect, financial acumen and management skills.

Employment opportunities will soon be sought locally by highly-skilled people find themselves thrown out of work, usually due to their unions wanting them to be suitably paid for their work.  Once out of work these people will soon find that employment opportunities are popping up in the lucrative catering, hotel, and sports sectors:  the growth areas of the future.  Career prospects as hot dog vendors, bathroom cleaners, ticket checkers, waitresses, parking attendants and bar staff will provide hours of highly-paid, stimulating, rewarding work where these individuals might have previously languished in dead-end jobs helping the homeless, elderly, or those with special needs.  City Council employees take note:  you will soon find yourself working at the universe’s greatest golf course, a community stadium or Aberdeen arena.  Polish your CV now!

Next weekUrban Sprawl, and hopefully news on my 3rd of December Freedom of Information Request, asking how much land the Council sold to Stewart Milne, any of his companies, what the selling price was, and what the market value was.

Feb 042011
 

By Bob Smith.

Stewartie Milne could be a loser
Dis he ken fit he is deein?
Backin some kittlesome ideas
Lots o fowk are disagreein

He’s weel ti the forefront
Promotin twa SPL tiers o ten
Bit some o his cronies say
Awa back an think again

He’s a freen o yon Trump
So must back use o CPOs
Stewartie min tak great care
Ye micht get a bleedy nose

Wi ACSEF he’s in bed
Wi Sir Ian Widd he cavorts
His the mannie nae sense ava ?
He maun be oot o sorts

The new stadium at Loirston
Is a must the chiel dis spoot
Maist Dons fans are nae convinced
An lots they hiv great doot

So Stewartie jist tak note
Tho’ millions ye micht hae
The fowk faa div oppose ye
They micht yet win the day

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

Jan 282011
 

Previously in Aberdeen Voice, the question arose ‘How on earth did that get there?’  – with  reference to the placement of a traffic cone on one of the spires of Marischal College in November 2004.

From his book Asi es la VidaAndy Ruck details his account of the bold ascent, and an audacious further attempt to ‘decorate’ the impressive Mitchell Tower.

Iconic Peaks

As I recall, our interest in climbing big buildings began with an ascent of “The Tower”, a chimney, or watch-tower, or whatever (nobody really knew what it was) that stuck up from the middle of a now-disused factory near the city centre which could be climbed via several slippery roofs and a rusty ladder.

It had become traditional for new members of the University Mountaineering Club to be taken up it, inebriated, as a rite of ‘initiation’. At least that’s what they told me. Numerous other smaller buildings saw subsequent ascents, as did statues. Gradually we began to see the Granite City skyline as a panorama of iconic peaks, all awaiting exploration and ascent.

We had located a narrow, creaking spiral staircase that led to the top of the tower and stood surrounded by it’s four ornately-crafted spires, then, bizarrely, found a ladder. A ladder, just lying there, waiting to be used.

I leaned the ladder against the spire which reached about half-way up. I ascended the ladder then gingerly stepped above it onto the granite-crafted parapets that would make for foot-holds to the top of the spire. The traffic cone hung awkwardly from my left hand. The cold North Sea wind moaned in and out of the spires. Below, black cabs cruised by, horns beeping. The clubs began to empty and the kebab joints to fill. A strong gust of wind blew, catching the traffic cone, threatening to wrench it from my hand or pull me down with it. The pavement far below stared me square in the face. No, I couldn’t do this.

I climbed down the ladder and gave the cone to Carson. Moving to another spire, which we considered safer with the wind direction, he climbed the ladder. I could hardly watch as he then inched his way up the parapets, this time employing the revolutionary technique of placing the cone on his head. Shakily, carefully, he removed the cone and set it right on top of the sharp point of the spire, letting out a whoop of elation as he surveyed the windswept city below him. He climbed down and rejoined me at the foot of the ladder. One of the finest summits in Scotland had, we thought, received its first ascent.

Stuntman

After some research, however, we found that one William Ludwig, a medical student at the college during the 1930s, was believed to have been the first ascentionist.

Just before World War II broke out, a Belisha Beacon was left glowing mysteriously at the top of the spire

Not of some insignificant side-tower like ours, however, but of the great, awe-inspiring Mitchell Tower. He had excelled in the comedy stakes too. On an icy night in December 1931, evidently having appropriated his props from the College’s anatomy labs, Ludwig dragged a human skeleton to the top of the Mitchell Tower, placed a top hat on its head and left it dangling gloriously from the weather vane.

Ludwig, we discovered, had been something of a legendary stuntman during his time at the University. He had also swung hand over hand along the cable that crosses nearby Rubislaw Quarry, 150 metres in depth. Most impressively to us, he had made the first ascent of Douglas Gibson Gully on the “local mountain”, Lochnagar, which in the absence of snow is just a steep runnel of loose, crumbling rocks and earth. He had seen no need for a rope.

Ludwig had not been the last to climb Marischal College. Just before World War II broke out, a Belisha Beacon was left glowing mysteriously at the top of the spire. Then in 1954, an eight foot high Christmas tree found its way up there too which put our efforts to shame.

Several weeks after our first attempt and with renewed inspiration from Ludwig and friends, we set off on a 3am mission to the main tower, this time equipped with ropes and harnesses, as well as a bed sheet and a tin of paint, on which we would write a still-undecided meaningful message should inspiration seize us before we began the climb.

Ideas for such a message had come and gone. “Modern Life is Rubbish” seemed to make a statement in the context of an early Blur album, but for it to be re-invoked here just seemed too typically ‘studenty”’ Modern life was quite kind to us students, actually. The traffic cone incident had provoked comments on the Evening Express website, which we had followed sporadically. Some of them were positive

We wouldn’t have won the war without people like that”, said one, but some had been scathingly critical. Several authority figures had “condemned” our actions. As far as they were concerned, climbing – which they knew nothing about – was dangerous, we were stupid and that was that. “Smile, it’s only a cone!” was intended as a playful dig at those people, encouraging them to lighten up a little.

we were amazed at how much security had been stepped up

I think in the end it was just general student disorganisation, combined with a certain amount of dithering over whether or not it was just too cocky, that prevented us from painting that onto the sheet. In the end, on a Thursday evening.

We decided enough was enough – Mitchell Tower was too enticing to waste any more time deliberating over. We decided, hurriedly, that we would just climb it, and that would be that.

Previously, we had squeezed through a gap in a temporary workmen’s fence and then walked up a staircase on the scaffolding that surrounded the building at the time. This time, however, we were amazed at how much security had been stepped up. “Because of us!”, we laughed. Solid, wooden barricades now surrounded the scaffolding, signs everywhere warning that CCTV was in operation. Still, where there was a will….

Another amazing thing about our breach of security several weeks earlier was that the next building along from Marischal College is the district police headquarters. To think the Old Bill would allow us to sneak past them a second time was, perhaps, a foolish notion. This time the operation ground to a halt as we scrambled across the roof towards the main tower.

“Woah man, stop!”

“W-what?”

“A policeman. I’m sure he saw us”

“Shit”

With gathering panic, we stopped and looked at each other.

“They won’t catch us before we get up there”, ventured Carson, his soft Scottish accent nonetheless tinged with mounting anxiety.

“But then, there’s loads of ways out….”.

There were a number of old fire exits that could only be opened from the inside.

“Hmmmmm…..”

“Let’s RUN!!!!!”

We dived through a window to the inside of the college, down several flights of stairs and through several abandoned, dusty lecture theatres. We paused by a side entrance, cautiously contemplating making a run.

There was…. a light.

And a POLICEMAN!

“Shit!”

We ran back inside the college, hearts thumping like a drum and bass track. Another entrance. “Shit”. Another policeman. We braced ourselves against the wall to the side of the door.

“Oh man… they’ve got the place surrounded”

“Okay, okay….”, I breathed, trying and failing to be calm and rational, “What can we do?”

“There’s the basement”

“Yes! They’ll never find us there – and they’ll give up and think it’s a false alarm after a few hours”.

We had stumbled across this pitch-black, low-ceilinged, dust-filled basement months earlier on our first exploration of the college and found an ‘80s poster of a naked Sam Fox, which still graced Carson’s kitchen. I, meanwhile, had come away with a sign announcing “This autoclave will be de-commissioned permanently as from 18-4-97”, which as far as student sign-stealing goes was fairly original, I thought.

This time, the sense of unconventional discovery had worn off. It was 5am and it was cold in there. We wanted to go home. We huddled in a corner and tried to reassure each other. The time passed incredibly slowly. Then, sometime later….

“Dude, can you hear that?”

“What?”

“That sorta mechanical noise. Sounds pretty close”

“Erm, yeah…”

“What do you think it is?”

“Dunno”

“Hmmmm…”

“Probably nothing to do with us”

“Does sound pretty close though eh…”

“Hmmm… what time is it, by the way?”

“Just coming up to six”

Silence for a few minutes, then:

“Hey man, maybe there’s a policeman on a crane searching the roofs for us!”, Carson joked. In our nervous state this was the funniest thing ever, and we laughed hysterically for a good ten minutes.

Carson then crept up the stairs to peer carefully through a small window.

“Oh man….”

“Oh God, what?”

He came back, shaking his head in disbelief. There was a policeman on a crane searching the roofs for us!

“Oh my God, what have we done?”, I groaned.

As far as they were concerned, this was no false alarm. They weren’t giving up. At around 6.20am we walked out, shrugged our shoulders and were taken next door to the police station.

After initial questioning, the straight-talking Aberdonian policemen left us in no doubt that we would be thrown out of University, would get a criminal record, would never be able to get a job and had basically, with this harmless if daring student prank, ruined our lives. We were then sent individually to bare-walled cells to contemplate this for three hours. They also confiscated our climbing gear for an indefinite period. I felt a surge of vitriolic rage as the stony-faced policeman, who clearly hated us, smugly assured us “ye willnae be getting that back”. Amusingly, however, it took them all day to work out that the traffic cone incident three weeks earlier might also have been us.

As it happened, we hadn’t ruined our lives. On our way home from the police station we dropped in on the President of the University’s Student Union, who we had expected to be a smart, serious goody-two-shoes who might reluctantly help us. Minutes later we had relaxed somewhat.

“Nice one boys!”, laughed the jolly, red-haired President, slapping his hand against his desk, “Good effort! I’m just disappointed you didn’t get up it!”

He saw that we weren’t laughing.

“But… will we get checked out of Uni…?”

“Och, no! Students get criminal records all the time! Probably won’t even come to that!”

Indeed, all we had to do was to write a letter of apology to the fire service, who we had feared would fine us for their un-necessary call-out, and a week or so later were summoned to the office of the Principal’s Secretary, who was remarkably good-humoured about it and, shaking his head and almost laughing, urged us “for heaven’s sake don’t do it again”.

I fought the law and the law won…

where would the fun have been if we’d just accepted that and not done anything?

Even so, the whole episode had angered me. We had shrugged off those negative comments on the Evening Express website at at the time, but now they hurt. It was a joke for heaven’s sake! This would have been celebrated in Ludwig’s day.

Why hadn’t we been allowed to proceed to the top like William Ludwig? Why? Because this was the paranoid, humourless 21st Century. We could have been terrorists. Everything had to be dealt with as a threat. It seemed to leave no room for imagination or adventure. We had bent the rules and the rules had stamped us firmly in our place.

We now realise that perhaps resistance to society’s established values has to be channelled through legal means, and that bending unwritten rules can be just as effective as actually breaking the law. The following year, for example, Carson was one of a handful of participants in a sponsored “Pyjamathon”, where he raised money for charity by wearing pyjamas (and a dressing gown, as the Aberdonian weather dictated) for a whole month.

In fact, we probably knew that at the time, but where would the fun have been if we’d just accepted that and not done anything? Lessons are never best learned from books, or teachers, or the surly advice of those who think (and are probably right to think) they know better. They are best learned through practical experience –  events that will make great stories in years to come.

Pushing boundaries is an excellent way to learn things – for everything to eventually settle into place. That tower symbolised something to us. I don’t know what, really, but something important. A challenge, perhaps, a brush with uncertainty and unlikelihood in the midst of an environment where everything was so comfortable and easy. There was something in us that just had to do it, and to this day I look up at that tower and laugh fondly at my young and rebellious self.

Jan 282011
 

By Bob Smith.

We’ve aa pit on a bittie wecht
Caused  by eatin convenience food
Nae mair time it seems we tak
Ti cook fit’s healthy an good

We stuff oorsels wi ready made meals
Shoved in the oven or microwave
Iss food is maistly tasteless shite
Tho’ time it wid seem we save

Fowk are classed as cooch tatties
TV channels they hiv on tap
I canna get ma heid roon iss
As the T.V noo is crap

“I hivna time ti cook a meal”
Tis the modern hoosewife’s wail
Jist aet fit a pit afore ye
Tho ye micht get like a whale

Mair choice! mair choice! we gie ye
Is the supermarkets prood boast
Nivver myn that fit wer eatin
His traivelled fae the sooth coast

Maybe we should listen ti the pleas
An cook like  aal Auntie Jessie
Unless we aa wint ti turn intae
A Fatty Arbuckle or Twa Ton Tessie

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010

Jan 282011
 

Its been a ‘trying’ week for Old Susannah as two former political party leaders are ‘court’ up in controversy. As one faces a lengthy term indoors, and the other attempts to shake off the ‘terminator’ tag, Old Suz tackles some tricky terminology.

Apology

(noun) an expression of regret, acknowledging some form of mistake, error or wrong doing..  Examples:  I gave my granny an apology for breaking a piece of her china years ago.  I apologised when I was late for an appointment last week.

Tony Blair has now apologised to everyone at the Chilcot Enquiry into the Iraq War.  He said that he is sorry tens of thousands of people – soldiers, civilian men, women, children, innocent bystanders in short – got killed in the war.  He could not have foreseen that war would lead to any of that.  The one million strong protestors who marched to Hyde Park to protest the war clearly did not have all the facts, and did not know what was really at stake like Tony did; so he was right to ignore them.

This is a democracy after all; he was elected and was able to do what he wanted.  Hans Blix, and other weapons inspectors likewise, were wrong to conclude that Saddam did not have stores of ‘weapons of mass destruction’ (as compared to ‘weapons of mass irritation’ or ‘weapons of a tiny bit of destruction’) and could not attack us in 45 minutes.  Blair had the dossier to prove it, so fair dues.

The UN likewise was misguided: not having any of Blair’s intelligence and intuition.  Blair had promised President Bush ‘we were with you all the way’ some 8 months before the war started, and as we all know, it is important not to break a promise.  Good on you Tony.  Now that is what I call foresight and planning ahead.  I guess if you needed expert guidance at the time, you couldn’t have done any better than listening to Bush, Cheney , Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the rest of the American experts, who waged this war with no fear of the personal sacrifice it would cost each and every one of them.  To those who say that there are things that are beyond an apology, they are wrong:  this apology will immediately heal all physical and emotional wounds.   The soldier in rehab, the widow, the orphans, those left destitute will find Tony’s ‘sorry’ all the tonic they need.  Apology accepted.

Remorse

(noun) To genuinely regret an action, even to the point of feeling guilt and sadness.

It should be noted that Tony Blair’s apology over the Iraq War has absolutely no remorse in it, and even less sincerity.  He is ‘glad we removed Saddam’.  He would ‘do it again’.  It could be Old Susannah, but I don’t see the remorse in that attitude.  Why this one particular dictator was more important to ‘remove’ than the hundreds of others who blight this world, particularly in Africa and Asia, is in no way connected to then President Bush’s determination to avenge his daddy, whose own war on Iraq was not a great success.

Those who pushed this war on us were not interested in making a profit; any sudden enrichment to their bank balances was coincidental.  A certain former US Chief of Defence might have had a teeny connection to a certain oil company; it could happen to anyone.  He was just in the right place at the right time.  We must remember how the war instantly brought peace, stability, equality and human rights to the region.

For some bizarre reason the jury failed to see that Mr Sheridan is the victim of a massive conspiracy reminiscent of the Davinci Code’s plot

Another important power couple are not feeling much in the way of remorse or regret either:  Mr and Mrs Sheridan, who are having a tough time of it.  For some bizarre reason the jury failed to see that Mr Sheridan is the victim of a massive conspiracy reminiscent of the Davinci Code’s plot.  He angrily denied any wrongdoing; his lovely wife stood by him – and yet somehow people think he might not be telling the truth, and he has cruelly been found him guilty of perjury.  Mrs Sheridan is a model to all us ladies – stand by your man no matter what.  What a lovely woman she must be, and if she’s single-handedly set women’s rights and independence back by 7 to 10 years, so what.  After his angry protestations of innocence and being set up, Mr Sheridan is now pleading for mercy in his sentencing.  I wonder if he is feeling remorse for having brought the lawsuit to ‘clear his name’ which led directly to where he is now.  What’s wrong with a man in power cheating on his wife in sleazy sex clubs then suing newspapers that print the tale?  I guess a shared interest in perjury helps keep this power couple together.

Trade Union

(noun) A Trade Union is a bad, bad thing that costs people jobs, ruins the global economy, and cuts into everyone’s pockets.  Believe it or not, the Unions representing Aberdeen City Council workers have actually rejected the kindly offer of taking a 5% pay cut for its members, who the Council now has no choice but to sack 900 people.

Unions came about to protect the rights of the workers, but things have now moved on, and it’s the poor employer that is suffering.  Through no fault of its own, Aberdeen City Council is being forced to cut jobs by the greedy unions.

The Council might own more real estate, buildings, offices and land than your average king.  The City might have written off millions of pounds in bad debts over the years.  They even might have sold land for a fraction of its value to a few lucky developers.  They could even have introduced a sliding scale for these proposed salary cuts, with the overpaid – I mean higher paid – managers taking a larger than 5% cut, and had smaller cuts for the lower-paid.   But Aberdeen’s not a charity.  If you’re going to work for the City, count yourselves lucky.  Take the cut.  You’ll be getting a brand new desk and chair when you move to Marischal College!  And if you still feel unfairly treated, do keep your stories coming to Old Susannah.   They are getting juicy!