May 302014
 

By Bob Smith.Lerwick torpedo tubes by Fred Wilkinson

We wanner’t doon ti the beach
‘Twis jist the ither day
Waves they cam rollin in
An gulls war aat their play
.
Waves they are aa different
Some saftly lap the shore
Ither eens cum rushin in
Wi a crash an affa roar
.
Lis’nin ti the waves some say
Is a pastime aat is fine
Waves slowly creepin ower the sand
Can calm a troubl’t myn
.
Canute fair grew tired o flattery
Fowk said the sea he cwid command
The king set oot ti prove ‘em wrang
An pit his throne amang the sand
.
Gyaang back the mannie roared
Bit the  sea kept rollin in
Canute he proved ye canna rule
The sea or waves therein
Wis aat a pirate ship a spied?
A fyow leagues fae the beach
Wis’t Jack Sparra at the helm
Or yon Blackbeard Edward Teach?
.
Pirates o The Caribbean
His a swashbucklin touch
The Pirates o Nigg Bay
Na – maybe nae sae much
.
A hidna bin at the bottle
Or puffin on “the weed”
Wis the skull an crossbones
On it’s wye ti Peterheid?
.
Crashin waves they brocht me back
An ti reality a took a tig
‘Twis ony a ile supply boatie
On it’s wye oot ti a rig
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
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May 162014
 

By Bob Smith.
windmill3apic

The Donald’s bocht a golf resort
Doon on the Ayrshire coast
A’ll get ti host The Open
Wull noo be his prood boast
.
Thirty Five million he did spen
He got Turnberry fer a snip
Es o coorse micht mean
Interest in Menie taks a dip
.
Jist cast yer myn back
Fin winfairms he did detest
The mannie made a vow
In Scotland he’d nae mair invest
.
Fit ti mak o ess U-turn
As he cums crawlin back
Bein economical wi the truth
The chiel still his the knack
.
Hud on a wee meenitie tho’
It micht nae be plain sailin
The spectre o affshore winfairms
Cwid yet hae Trumpie wailin
.
Marine Scotland it his reported
Aboot a site jist oot at sea
Far ye cwid plunk win turbines
They’d be richt in Donald’s ee
Fergus Ewing says ess plans
Fer noo are aff the radar
Yet fair refused ti rule oot
Returnin ti them later
.
If a winfairm cam ti pass
Wid The Donald then renege?
Or wid he maybe in a rage
Blaw up yon Ailsa Craig
.
At Doonbeg he’d ti stop some wark
Did he nae hae richt permission?
He can tho’ noo  gyaang aheid
Maybe efter a new submission?
.
Micht Donald hae fresh concerns
A snail in Ireland is protectit
Bi speecial environmental laws
An ess canna be correctit
.
Trump says he’s gyaan ti wark
Wi environmentalists an sic fowk
If he’d deen aat ower in Menie
He micht nae bin classed a gowk
.
Noo ere’s nae doot the mannie
Oot the news he winna bide
Wull we next aa be hearin
The bugger’s bocht the River Clyde

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Image Credit: © Mark Rasmussen | Dreamstime.com …. 3 windmills
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Mar 282014
 

By Bob Smith.http://pixabay.com/en/golfing-golf-ball-sport-golfer-219993/

Noo ye wee fite dimpl’t sphere
Let me mak es verra clear
Gyang doon the middle stracht an true
So’s an affa  gweed score a can accrue
.
Nae oot the cup a wint ye spinnin
Sittin on the edge a-grinnin
Thinkin  a’m nae gyaan ti drap
Eence mair yer score it wull be crap
.
Doon the fairways ye maan ging
So ma wee hairtie stairts ti sing
Lan’ oan the green near the pin
So anither birdie a can mark in
.
Be ye Titleist or Wilson Staff
Dinna behave like a soddin nyaff
Pick up yer skirts an hae a rin
If a happen ti hit ye ower bliddy thin
Dinna gyaang an try an hide
Jist on the fairways try ti bide
If ye ging duncin left or richt
A widna think aat verra bricht
.
A’m sorry a gid yer heid a dunt
So bide oot the bunkers ye little runt
In ma pooch ye can hae a rest
A’ll noo pit yer brither ti the test
.
Ye’ll nae bide fite fer verra lang
As roon efter roon a lit whang
Sometimes a doot ye micht git lost
Intae the whins ye can git toss’t
.
Puir ba a really lik’t ye fine
Please dinna lie there an pine
Some ither auld goat micht fin ye there
Eence mair some curses ye’ll hae ti bear

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014
Image Credit: http://pixabay.com/en/users/PublicDomainPictures/

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Mar 202014
 

By Bob Smith.Stand Free

Fae Inverness an Aiberdeen
Doon ti east o Glesga Green
Fitba fans in reid or blue
An fegs they war a motley crew
.
Scarves an flags aa ower the place
Some fowk they wore a sheepie’s face
Dons fans aa decked in new attire
Statin aat “The Sheep Are on Fire”
.
The atmosphere it wis rich braw
Celtic or Rangers nae missed ava
Fans aa oot ti enjoy the game
Yet only ae team wid fin fame
.
Baith teams strode on green sward
90 meenits awa fae their reward
Fa wid win ess ‘eer’s League Cup
An fae its innards git ti sup?
.
The fans war still at fever pitch
Fin Dons they suffered a major glitch
Wee Jonny Hayes lost ti the fray
Nae mair wid Jonny git ti play
.
Only ae team wis tryin ti win
Some fitba tactics they are a sin
Caley Thistle they defendit weel
Frustration Dons fans began ti feel
A huuner and twenty meenits we did get
Yet naebody cwid fin the bliddy net
A penalty shoot oot wi did hae
Nae goals war scored fae open play
.
Up steppit CT’s Billy McKay,
The chiel he wid hae first try
Bit “Clangers” wis an instant hero
An Inverness stairtit wi a zero
.
The Dons wint inti a twa goal lead
As Inverness hairts they did bleed
Adam Rooney hut the winnin strike
Celebrations? Ye’ve nivver seen the like
.
Forty thoosan fans lit oot a roar
Fit wid hae bin heard in Baltimore
The cup wis oors – oh michty me
Fae doots an fears we noo war free
.
Russell Anderson wi een o his hans
Held up the cup tae delirious fans
Growne mannies an wifie’s hid a greet
An geets war liftit aff their feet
.
The sheep are on fire, the sheep are on fire
A Scottish Cup win wis noo the desire
Ti win at Parkheid an syne at Ibrox
Wid hae Weegies teerin oot their locks.

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2014.

Mar 142014
 

The Queen having tea_RL_1_003.tifFor 12 years the establishment and celebrities were grist to the Spitting Image mill; nothing and no one was sacred. If you weren’t laughing, you were outraged. By Suzanne Kelly.

Issues of the day were brought to light, political sleaze was explained and mocked in spectacular fashion, and well, those of us with a sense of humour had a great laugh.
A new exhibition in London’s Cartoon Museum pulls together puppets, memorabilia, news reports and anecdotes. It is a small exhibition in a small museum.

However, while floor space may be limited, the depth and breadth of the collection and the Spitting Image exhibition is deeply impressive.

This is also one of the most important shows you’ll have the chance to see, if press freedoms (facing new threats) and political satire are to be understood, preserved and appreciated.

The Cartoon Museum has been flying the flag for the cartoon as art and entertainment since 2006, and features a great diversity of art going back centuries. There are simple cartoons such as ‘Popeye’ which were simply intended to amuse. There are biting political cartoons from the distant past, and social commentary cartoons spanning decades which, when collected and curated, form an extremely important historic record.

But this Spitting Image exhibition must be the most impressive and engaging of all the museum’s major exhibitions to date.

There is an impressive schedule of evening talks and events featuring those who worked on Spitting Image. Roger Law (a founder of SI with Peter Fluck – listen to them on Desert Island Discs here  http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p009mlw9 ) will deliver an illustrated talk on 19 March on ‘The Art of Theft’.

There is a Spitting Image Roundtable on 7th May with people behind the show, and a ‘Design your own puppet character’ session with puppet maker and puppeteer Scott Brooker.

“At 10pm on Sunday, 26 February 1984 British television witnessed the birth of a new phenomenon – a satirical puppet show which would push the boundaries of taste and decency, present the Royal Family, politicians and celebrities alike in surreal yet telling situations, and become one of the most talked-about programmes of the 1980s and 1990s. The country had never seen anything like it.” – CartoonMuseum

We may never see the like of Spitting Image again; it was the reactionary product of a heady mixture of Thatcherism, international issues, domestic political power struggles, the Reagan/Thatcher special relationship, and later on celebrities and sports. Apparently Peter Cook once remarked that the sports vignettes were his favourites.

Perhaps they were, but Spitting Image’s satire wasn’t so much biting as it was scorching. Many times it pushed the envelope just a bit further than people expected; many viewers for instance finding the Queen Mother puppet a bridge too far.

Thatcher Cutting up Britain (c) Spitting ImageMargaret Thatcher in S&M gear likewise provoked a response.

Memorable puppets included a completely grey John Major, a schoolboy Tony Blair sporting an ‘I’m the Leader’ badge, The Queen, and a slobbering Roy Hatterslea will be in the public conscious for quite some time.

In the display was a never-used Osama Bin Laden puppet – it oozes menace.

Imagining what could have been made of this in a sketch is a powerful idea to grapple with; the puppet sits in its case waiting for an opportunity which never materialised.

The exhibition screens Spitting Image episodes, and on the day I visited, many people stopped to watch the segment depicting how Zola Budd came to be English rather than South African, and while doing nothing more spectacular in her Olympic race than tripping up American Mary Decker, Budd nevertheless managed to make a bit of money from her exploits.

Spitting Image was a platform of perfect political satire and the springboard for many of our most important talents – Ian Hislop, Nick Newman, Harry Enfield, Rory Bremner, Hugh Dennis, Kate Robbins and John O’Farrell are some of those who were involved.

The show evolved from the partnership of artists Roger Law and Peter Fluck who met in Cambridge as students. Cambridge and its Granta magazine must have been quite a crucible. Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sprang from that Cambridge seam, and were responsible for an increase in political satire in the 1960s.

Cook’s ‘Establishment’ nightclub in Soho must have been incredible; Roger Law was also involved in that venture as an artist.  Cook of course lent his support in many ways to Private Eye magazine, still the zenith of political satire in the UK today.

The exhibition was well attended when I was there; people of different ages and several tourists wound their way through the gallery. Watching the episodes being screened on a wall brought back the importance of the show; we visitors watched in silence except when laughter broke out which it frequently did.

The puppets are quite something to see; the fact they were collected together at all is something of an event. Many were auctioned off and the collection dispersed; one puppet disappeared only to surface years later at a boot sale – from where it was rescued.

The ephemera and historical notes gave insights from many different perspectives; it was safe to say the visitors read the information presented with relish. There are many anecdotes which I won’t spoil by sharing – do go visit the museum if you can.

It’s a gem of a show, and I only wish it could tour the country (with a stop in Aberdeen of course).  Actually, I wish that we could have a new version of Spitting Image for today. However, there are many reasons whatever the next big thing in popular political sarcasm is, it won’t be Spitting Image.  Gallery Director Anita O’Brien had a few minutes to speak; she explained:-

“Satire is one of the great art forms which Britain invented, which continues to thrive. The difficulty with Spitting Image now, though people would like to bring it back and feel it would be wonderful is that the political climate and landscape have changed, and people are not as politically involved. I think when it comes to people the nature of their political involvement has changed. The media has changed; you had four channels then; it is far more fragmented now.

“I think people do different things – there is an emphasis on CGI, and people’s expectations of media has changed – people expect a different look and feel (to the latex puppets of SI). I also have to say cost – I just don’t think the media would be able to bear it – it would be very labour intensive, and a huge number of people would have to come together.

“I think that might be the biggest stumbling block. Also they were all very involved and quite committed to what they were doing. They perhaps hoped they would bring down the government; it didn’t happen [we laugh]. This was the ‘80s; there was a very strong political engagement; very anti-Thatcherite.”

I suggest the fact that the programme existed had an impact on political engagement, and suggest that Spitting Image was the reason people even knew who cabinet ministers were. O’Brien commented:-

“I think a lot of people who maybe might not have read political columns at the time would have watched the programme… Peter Cook said he actually enjoyed the sports more than the politics; if he wanted politics he would have read a newspaper. We’re hoping that people will come who might not have seen it and can come and become more aware of it, and gain a view into satire.”

But what’s the point of political satire? Is it nothing more than childish, vulgar base humour with no hope of achieving anything?

Here’s an example then:-

“In the mid-1980s Gary Trudeau, writer and illustrator of the comic Doonesbury used satire to help put an end to a racially motivated law in Palm   Beach, Florida. The law in question mandated that all workers or employees, including gardeners, retail clerks, janitors and taxi drivers, who were part of a racial minority were required to register with police and obtain and ID card within 48 hours of accepting a job.

“In 1985, upon discovering the continued existence of this Jim Crow legislation, Gary Trudeau illustrated a series of comics lambasting Florida’s government for its continued support of a racist law. By 1986, local politicians drew up the “Doonesbury Act” and repealed the outdated law.” – http://www.sarcasmsociety.com/satire.html

Sarcasm and political satire are sometimes the only weapons people have against powerful institutions and powerful people. We now have threats to our free press coming in light of the News of the World hacking scandal, wherein a sledgehammer is being used to crack all the nuts, good ones and bad ones, for the actions of a few corrupt, powerful people in the press, who were buying information from the police.

Compared to the laissez-faire approach and support the government gave to the banking sector in light of the vast scale of corruption it was and is riddled with, does the recent attacks on press freedoms really warrant any new law? Should those who are meant to be scrutinized by a free press have the right in a democracy – whatever that is – to limit the important checks and balances the press provides?

Let’s hope not. It is bad enough that the press is under fire as a whole institution for the actions of a few.  Let’s make sure that political satire remains a protected, powerful and widely-used tool of dissent and change.

And with that, I buy a few posters. As I’m leaving, I’m thinking about Private Eye, Hislop, Ingrams, Granta, and ultimately Peter Cook.

Before I leave, I ask when we’ll see the like of Peter Cook again; ‘Indeed’ is O’ Brien’s answer.

Spitting Image – From Start to Finish runs until 8 June 2014

Cartoon Museum,
35 Little Russell Street,
London,
WC1A 2HH,
Tel: 0207 580 8155
www.cartoonmuseum.org

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Dec 232013
 

Fallen Tree 2 - Credit Ian BrittonBy Bob Smith.

Am lookin oot the winda
The win it fair dis blaw
Am gled it’s jist rainin
It’s cauld aneuch fer snaw

Win throwe trees is souchin
They’re duncin tae its tune
It widna be aat surprisin
If a fyow war blawn doon

I widna like for fowk ti be
On Ben Macdui’s tap richt noo
They cwid easily be blawn awa
An feenish up in the Lairig Ghru

Bit we shudna stairt complainin
Aboot the vagaries o oor wither
A widna chynge it fer onything
Hurricanes or tornadoes dinna bithe
r

So blaw awa ye blusterie wins
As throwe the leaves ye fussle
Ower yer strength we’ve nae control
Showin us humans ye’ve mair muscle

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”
Image Credit: Ian Britton. Freefoto.com
http://www.freefoto.com/preview/16-14-55/Fallen-Tree

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Dec 172013
 

oneills2Andrew Watson reviews.

Last time I’d been to a rap event was Public Enemy, minus Terminator X, in 2003.  In fact, I think that was my first ever concert.  In other words, discounting seeing sets by DJs Yoda and Format in relatively recent years, I’ve been too long not delving properly into the world of hip-hop.

The comedy rap battle upstairs at O’Neill’s was my first taste of live rap music in a long time, and in some respects it delivered.

Starting matchup of the first round was MC Hammered versus Jamie Bummerman.  The latter ‘choked’, as they say in hip-hop circles, his silence taking his adversary to the next round.

Following this was Vincent Price versus Cypher Forsyth.  This was more evenly matched, though hesitance cost Cypher his advancement to the second round.

Peter Wood saw off his competition with relative ease, his opponent opting out and being replaced by a man in the audience, dubbed Junkie Monkey.  His slurred lines urged many a laugh from the crowd.

The last battle of the opening round was, I daresay, a genuine rapping contest; rather than comedic farce.  Neeks, with good vernacular and expert flow, beat Giovanni, who wasn’t too shabby himself.

For the second round, to bolster the numbers and the length of the competition, a newcomer was introduced.  TK, a Californian, rather than focusing on his battle with Peter Wood, seemed to be eyeing up Giovanni.

This sparked a genuinely heated exchange between the two, and bought Giovanni his place back in the competition.  His inspired ripostes upon TK proving he was only a shadow of himself against Neeks, earlier on.

Junkie Monkey, now MC Mumble, took on Neeks in the last pairing of the semi-final.  The latter tore into the loveable drunk, but still kept it in reasonably good humour.

He looked set to win from the start, but was then pipped to the post in the final by Vincent Price.

Not a bad night, for free entry.  Just think how much better it would’ve been, had a couple of the performers actually turned up.  The talented Jamie Kemp was reduced to, albeit inventive, beat boxing because his rap battle cohort didn’t turn up. A pity.

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Dec 132013
 

By Bob Smith.

Winter in Northumberland2, England - Credit Ian Britton www.freefoto.com 90_07_6_prev

Foo muckle siller wull ye spend
On pressies fer yer freens ?
Or some fer aa the faimily
Be they auld or in their teens
.
A new name fer Christmas
“The Retail Festival” it is ca’ed
Fin thingies they git oot o han
An aa bugger gyaangs fair mad
.
Noo a’m nae Scrooge –far fae it
Bit a wid fair draw the line
At gittin awa intae debt
Afore singin “Auld Lang Syne”.
.
A’m aa fer gien a wee present
Tae faimily or fowk lang kent
Some fowk tho’ dinna hae a clue
Aboot foo muckle they hiv spent
A freen o mine he’s renegin
He says he’s seen the licht
An disna gie twa hoots
If fowk noo think him ticht
.
He’s nae gien ony mair
Presents he classes “stuff”
He’ll buy a wee bottle o booze
Or maybe a sma plum duff
.
He says it’s far mair practical
As he kens jist fa likes fit
Instead o maybe hannin ower
Fit fowk micht class as shit
.
Only costs him haaf the price
O things he wid normally gie
An he winna hae tae worry
Fae debt he wull bide free

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image credit: Ian Britton – http://s3.freefoto.com/images/
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Nov 282013
 

© Abdone | Dreamstime Stock PhotosBy Bob Smith.

Laachter it fair dis ye gweed
Mair laachter is fit fowk need
Ti see us throwe life’s wee trachles
An aa ither kines o debachles

Laach fin ye miss a putt
An yer gowf game’s in a rut
Laach fin yer team gits beat
Bang goes anither clean sheet

Aye hae a laach wi yer freens
Be they auld or in their teens
Laachter brichens up the day
If anither bill ye hiv ti pey

Laachter’s better than a froon
Fin life stairts ti git ye doon
Laachter lowssens up yer jowls
Laachter dis awa wi scowls

Laachter ‘tis said cures some ills
Instead o aye jist poppin pills
Bit fin yer laachin an aa smiles
Dis aat mean it cures yer piles?

Some thingies tho micht hae ye beat
Yer nae sure if ti laach or greet
Jist myn greetin brings on tears
Laachter maybe brings on cheers

So grumpy bugger or cheery face
Fit een o twa wull ye embrace
Jist myn grumpy or cheery kine
Oot yer hairt the sun shud shine

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2013
Image Credits:
Businesswoman © Abdone | Dreamstime Stock Photos 
Happy Girl 6  © Phil Date | Dreamstime Stock Photos

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