Eileen Malone Archives - Aberdeen Voice

Old Susannah’s Journal No.31 – Lush Lush My Deer

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 152011

It’s been yet another lively week in the ‘Deen; by the time this is published, Old Susannah will have been on SHMU radio discussing the fate of the Tullos Hill Roe Deer, election leaflets will be pouring through your letterbox, and petrol will reach £2 million a gallon.

At present there are still no answers to relevant, specific questions I sent to the Council’s tree men and Aileen Malone (aka ‘HoMalone’ – when left in charge of something, chaos breaks out and hilarity ensues. Well, that’s one possible origin for this nickname). But I’ll keep trying.
Those environmentally friendly folk at Lush are throwing themselves into the battle with gusto. A team is cycling up from Lush Edinburgh and should arrive around 12:30pm this coming Wednesday at the Lush shop in Aberdeen’s Union Street.

Their slogan against the cull is a good one: “Too Deer a Price.” Their efforts and those of people and organisations from local to international level might make a difference yet.

However, those nice people at the Scottish Information Commission have some concerns over one of my Freedom of Information requests, which – believe it or not – the Council answered late, answered by refusing to answer and offered to do an inquiry which might well have never happened. Another few years and I might have a good story for you. Don’t hold your breath.

Finally, you may recall that Aberdeen’s former head, Sue Bruce, landed up in a job for the City of Edinburgh, much to our great sadness. The capital has since found at least five of its employees were involved in a massive fraud to do with awarding work and projects without proper tenders taking place and paying for work that was never done.

Makes you glad to be in the Granite City where fraud is unheard of, where there is never any City employee helping the police figure find out where £300,000 of taxpayer money went, where work always goes out to tender properly and is never just given to local builders automatically. But, onwards to some defining words for this past week.

Grass:
(Noun 1) – member of herbal family of plants characterised by slender shoots of green leaf, a grazing crop suitable for herbivores such as cows and sheep. Just don’t mention the deer).
(Noun 2) – slang term for cannabis sativa, a substance which can allegedly temporarily impair the consciousness of the person who smokes or otherwise ingests the leaves and or buds of said plant.
(Verb) – to bring another’s wrongdoing to the attention of the public or authorities. All of which bring us nicely to …John Stewart, Council Leader – a man apart.

Hundreds of people heard this pearl of wisdom from JS and raced to Union Terrace Gardens with rolling paper, matches and things called bongs, only to be disappointed

His critics allegedly call him names and go to his pub to hit him. But they can’t silence him. If the Church of Scotland deserves an ASBO for not behaving as he wants it to, he’ll say so by grassing them up to the local newspapers.

It is hugely surprising that his Press & Journal claim that the Church of Scotland deserved an ASBO (see last week’s column) didn’t get taken up internationally.

Also, in a really brave move, he’s called our attention to a little-known fact. Brace yourselves: in John’s own words:

“there is not much in Union Terrace Gardens except grass.”

‘How did he work that out?’ I can hear you ask aloud as you read this over your cornflakes.

Stone me. Hundreds of people heard this pearl of wisdom from JS and raced to Union Terrace Gardens with rolling paper, matches and things called bongs, only to be disappointed. It seems that John was complaining that the parking lot to be was full of the kind of grass you walk on, or eat if you are a deer that the Council hasn’t yet shot, (sorry, culled). Either that, or he took all the funny grass for himself and his friends on the Council – that would explain quite a lot. How did our society let this happen?

“Let’s face it, Union Terrace Gardens, apart from a few trees and the floral crest, is just grass”

Our intrepid Council Leader told the Press & Journal:

“This (the design competition) is an excellent opportunity for Aberdeen to show how good it is at creating gardens. We will see what comes through from the design brief, but I am quite looking forward to seeing the designs.”

Well, so far Aberdeen City has shown how good it is at losing arts funding, keeping schools open, caring for the elderly, and ensuring that no fraudsters are operating within the council stealing hundreds of thousands of pounds. Aberdeen has also shown how good it is at propping up the AECC, selling land at millions of pounds less than market value, filling in potholes and closing libraries. A mere £140 million pound project poses little challenge – even if we have no money.

Someone in the City Council attended the meetings – yet the head of the Council claimed to have no idea the project existed

There is no reaction yet from governments in New York, Paris and London – but in light of John’s comments they will be swiftly moving to check their city centre parks for grass and make any necessary corrections. Let’s all hope that after the design contest, which we are all eagerly awaiting as we struggle to pay bills, buy food and petrol etc. will ensure that there is none of this grass-type stuff left over.

I can only hope that John stays away from grass lest his otherwise astute judgement, financial acumen, people skills and fine mind suffer.

Tory councillor Alan Donnelly quite rightly asked:

“What planet do people think we are living on if they think we would support the destruction of Union Terrace Gardens?”

Well, it could be the same planet that saw Aberdeen City’s ACSEF spending some £300k (meant for Peacock Visual Arts) on a consultation showing, er, a big concrete square where the gardens now are. That’s some coincidence.

Deja Vu
(French expression) literally ‘already seen’. A spooky feeling that you’ve been there before. As Aberdeen Voice historian Alex Mitchell alluded to in one of his excellent articles on the City’s history, the £1.2 million pounds of funding that was lost to the City as ACSEF, the City and (£750 million pound a year taxpayer funded) Scottish Enterprise bravely battled to kill Peacock Visual Arts long-planned expansion was not the first time the City scored such a colossal own goal.

Cast your mind back some 5 or 6 years.

The Citadel had been earmarked for an arts centre. It wasn’t going to be turned into a parking lot or shopping mall and there definitely weren’t going to be any deer or any grass: everyone could have been happy. The plan was written up and many meetings took place – the City, arts leaders, etc. No one knows to this day precisely why we didn’t get a plan to the Arts Council on time (spooky!).

Kilroy Silk wanted to distance himself from the party because he thought they were ridiculous. How bad is that?

Someone in the City Council attended the meetings – yet the head of the Council claimed to have no idea the project existed. If memory serves, the sum was probably £1 million and change. So if you get the feeling that your cash-strapped City had lost Arts Council funding previously – you are correct.

Was it a bit of history eerily repeating itself – or is it possible that the City has not been very well managed and organised for a few years? Something to think about. Ask your local Councillor or get out a Ouija board and try to contact the LibDems. While you’re at it; ask them about the deer, Loirston Loch, services for the elderly and school closures should you make contact.

UKIP
(collective noun) Comedy troupe such as Bremner Bird & Fortune, Monty Python, The Goonies, and the Lib Dems.

Faced with the Kafkaesque deer, Union Terrace Gardens, and Loirston Loch horror stories, we need to keep our spirits up and what organisation is better placed to give everyone a much-needed heartfelt laughing fit than the United Kingdom Independence Party?

He might not be a part of the UKIP posse any more, but the very thought of colourful (literally) TV personality Kilroy-Silk alone should get you chuckling. You might not know it, but the UKIP party has had more infighting than the SNP/Lib Dem coalition.

There apparently was a UKIP candidate in East Kilbride who had a whole laundry list of fascist policies; the UKIP mainstream disowned him. In fact Kilroy Silk wanted to distance himself from the party because he thought they were ridiculous. How bad is that? Their MEP member Nigel Farage has made some errors of judgment including appearing on Have I Got News For You (unaware that he was the biggest laugh of the night) and as well as car crash TV, this UKIP leader has serious slapstick form.

On the day of the General Election in May, Farage’s two-seater plane got entangled in a UKIP banner it was trailing and crashed shortly after take-off from an airfield in Northamptonshire – no one was hurt. Vote for them if you like – can’t be worse than what we’ve got, and they obviously have a sense of humour.

Next week: More of the same

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 30 – Six Month Review

Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 072011

Voice’s Old Susannah casts her eye over the events of the last 6 months and the stories, and terms and phrases familiar as well as freshly ‘spun’, which will be forever etched in the consciousness of the people of Aberdeen and the Northeast.

As there are so few interesting local, national or international developments in the news lately, (earthquakes, wars, radiation, armed robberies, Aberdeen Council wheeling and dealing notwithstanding), this looks like a good time to look back at some of the terms and issues covered in Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner over the last six months.
The column looked at Change Managers, Continuous Improvement, Climate Change and Dangerous dog owners and dogfights. What has happened to the heroes, villains, good, bad and the ugly? Well, let’s see…

Animal Crackers

Let’s Go Clubbing:
Cast your mind back – do you remember Donald Forbes, golfer and fox batterer extraordinaire? What’s become of him? First he told us he had clubbed the fox (which was later found in such a horrible state it had to be put down, to the disgust of 99.95% of the members of Forbes’ golf club).

Then Forbes said he was in ‘mortal danger’ from the fox and therefore swung his club near the fox, but did not hit it. How this tame, well-known fox was going to harm Forbes other than stealing a sandwich from him remains unclear. How the fox was injured fatally also remains a mystery, as Forbes says he did not do it.

Sources tell me Forbes will soon have his day in Court – keep your eyes on the Aberdeen court circular during the month of April. Truth will out. Maybe.

Licensed to maim:
Like-minded animal lover, top oilman, and gunslinger Mr Mervyn New, you will remember, took his gun to work and quite rightly shot some horrid gull chicks that had the nerve to be in a nest near him. One bird was dead outright, the other suffered in agony until the SSPCA could have it put down.

Maybe we should all bring guns to work? On the plus side I bet Mr New looks quite macho with a gun. It would be cruel to suggest he might have a complex against his parents for naming him ‘Mervin’ so I shall say nothing on that subject. My emails to his local and head office have gone unanswered or have been returned marked ‘delivery failure’. It is almost as if Marine Subsea UK do not want to set the record straight or answer any questions on their guns-at-work policy. Maybe some of you readers can get an answer out of them. I will try again when I have made progress on…

…The Tullos Hill Roe Deer:
In a style that would make Highwayman robber Dick Turpin blush, the City have told animal lovers to pay up £225k by 10 May, or the deer get shot. It was all most democratic; they voted on it, except they did not bother to mention the cull to the citizens. Scottish Natural Heritage point out unwillingly (see articles elsewhere in the Voice) that alternatives to gunning the deer down do exist. During this ongoing saga

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them

Cllr Aileen Malone proved she could not count; she announced that ‘about one’ person in Aberdeen wrote to her against the cull. She later apologised for this understandable mathematical error – but I do not believe her apology was as public as her P&J statement about there only being ‘about one’ objector. I can however say that at least 500 people have signed various petitions and that is a conservative figure (like me).

It is heartbreaking to see these dumb animals going about their usual routines, visiting their favourite drinking holes, unaware of the doom awaiting them. Nevertheless, at the next possible election, there will most definitely be a cull of Councillors.

The Council had handled the proposed tree planting in its time-honoured way; it held a consultation.

Democracy Inaction

Consultation:
That’s right – the City asked us mere citizen taxpayers what we thought of the tree planting on its lovely website, and gave us until the end of this past January to comment. Just because the City forgot to mention the cull is no reason for the consultation not to be valid, after all, without consultation we would not have our design competition coming up for…

…Union Terrace Gardens:
Back at the time how exciting it was – ACSEF were visiting shopping malls and businesses, giving presentations on a wonderful new way of re-imaging the gardens – turning them into a concrete slab with underground parking. Despite producing a brochure (costing about £300k of our money), which showed exactly that type of outcome – large squares of concrete, one or two tiny trees in planters, and happy people walking around in nice weather, the public vote was against it.

Who would have guessed that the public simply did not understand how important this was to Ian Wood’s future, sorry – to our economic prosperity. So, we will get a design competition instead. Someone already got money earmarked for the rival, earlier, clearer, subtler Peacock plan – money which was intended to be used by Peacock.

I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections

No one knows anything about how the money was approved for expenditure; no one knows what goes on inside ACSEF (the online minutes do not give any history or details on this saga worth having). And the worst part is, people have actually organised to protest against having shops and parking.

How else will Stewart Milne’s lovely plans for Triple Kirks work? Answers on a postcard please.

The Press & Journal on 6th April continued a welcome new trend – they are questioning the handling of the UTG situation in an excellent editorial well worth reading.

Public Image:
In a past Old Susannah Dictionary Corner, I was heartened to hear that Kate was going to get an image and publicity makeover by the LibDem team who gave the world Nick Clegg. Here we are about three months later, and I think the results speak for themselves. What do you think of the new Kate? I think the results of Nick’s influence speak for themselves.

Kate’s complaint at the time was that people always complain when things are going bad, but they never compliment the City Council when things are going well. I asked readers for examples of things that went well, but have received not so much as a line.

Coalition:
You might remember some months back when I was worried about our local LibDem / SNP Coalition arguing about how many Council jobs to cut. Nine hundred with no consultation? Six Hundred? Ask for ideas? Cut nothing and then keep quiet? Those must have been exciting times for the staff at St Nick’s. I was concerned just last week about the coalition as they are fighting at the National level. However, Councillor Irene Cormack wrote to me to say that this is perfectly normal at elections. I hope nothing will interfere with how things are working here. In fact, soon all will be perfect, once everyone moves into…

…Marischal College:

In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space

Charities are short of funding, schools are closing, and elderly and vulnerable people are at risk from a host of problems. No matter: we saved Marischal College. The Council told us that they will not disclose what the alternatives were or what they would have cost – it is copyrighted so they claim. We saved Marischal by gutting it entirely, throwing Victorian books into a skip (I have a source who confirms this), and we’re putting in brand new furniture. £60 to 80 million well spent I say.

Loirston Loch – a nice place for a game of football:
Despite lack of consultation with the relevant local Councils, little support from Football fans, and opposition from local residents, follically-challenged Stewart Milne (of ACSEF and AFC fame) got the green light to build a red-light stadium in the Greenbelt land of Loirston.

Scottish Natural Heritage weren’t bothered (despite SAC land status, protected species and RSPB objection); Brian Adam MSP was ecstatic, and Richard Baker MSP was ignored.

Kate Dean was the impartial convener of a marathon hearing on the matter, which was always going to end favourably. In fact, she is known to have sent out e-mails claiming victory, because no one has complained/objected to the stadium lately (hint hint!) But it is not over yet, watch this space. If there has not been too much dialogue at present, it is because of the massive legal points being researched prior to the battle royale.

Conclusion – A Brighter Outlook:
The most important thing to remember when considering the recent past is that we now all have A Brighter Outlook. I know this, because the City Council put it in their literature. It is an ACSEF slogan, it is how the City does business, it is all brighter. After all, how much darker can things possibly get?

Next week:
Since ACSEF benefited so much from its new logo and ‘A Brighter Outlook’ slogan, Old Susannah is getting a makeover. I do not know exactly what to expect and what the Voice editors have in mind, I just hope I will come out looking as cool, modern and with it as ACSEF does.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the very nice/interesting/excellent e-mails and comments.

Old Susannah’s Journal No. 29 – Spring Loaded

Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 032011

Spring is on its way; the granite is shiny at Marischal College and new life is beginning (where it can either make it through the concrete or where the Councillors don’t want it culled for being in the way). But Old Susannah has a heavy heart, and suspects many of you do as well.

The approaching spring seems to mock a love affair that has died. There were warning signs along the way. The arguments became more frequent, increasingly bitter, and all-too public. It seemed that the honeymoon was over, and any common dreams and goals were going or gone. Then there came the day the penny dropped: there was the piece of evidence proving that all was not well, and denial was no longer an option. The writing was on the wall.

Actually, the writing was on a full-colour ‘Residents Survey’ from Lib Dems John Sleigh and Nicol Stephen in which they ask Aberdonians:

‘SNP BROKEN PROMISES – The SNP government was elected on a promise to improve transport networks in the North East. Do you feel the SNP have let our area down?’

The SNP here in Aberdeen are (or maybe ‘were’ is the better word) in the exciting local coalition government with the Lib Dems, responsible for all the benefits we enjoy. The SNP councillors must be reading this survey in heartbroken shock. They must be wondering why the Lib Dems are attacking them on the national level, while still pretending to be in an Aberdeen coalition – and must also be wondering why they didn’t think of getting in there first.

Just as well our local Lib Dems haven’t let anyone down – otherwise they could be accused of astonishing hypocrisy. After all, the Lib Dems have promised to wipe out the Tullos roe deer, and they are sticking to it. I eagerly await a SNP survey – sooner the better.

Consequently, the Coalition error (sorry ‘era’) in Aberdeen must surely be finished, for how can you work with someone locally who’s trying to damage your status nationally? The party is over. I haven’t been so upset since Peter Andre and Jordan broke up. But I know the Lib Dems will remain in power. How do I know this?

Simple – Their survey included a Poll.

…. And to follow on from that bombshell, let us now unravel some tricky locally topical terms –

Poll(verb)

A scientific information-gathering procedure measuring opinion with great accuracy and impartiality. Helpfully the Lib Dem mailing I received shows how the Lib Dems are well poised to win in Aberdeen . This poll result coincidentally follows the 2007 introduction of new voting area boundaries, an exercise which was undertaken with no thought of influencing election outcomes, which goes without saying.

For some strange reason The Scotsman newspaper is saying something completely different – that the Green party will knock the Lib Dems into 5th place. I’ll give you that the Scotsman is no Evening Standard, and clearly The Scotsman is a much more biased organisation than the Lib Dems are.

Picture the scene – you are, struggling to get by for yourself and your family on a meagre few hundred million, when all of a sudden the Government announces a staggering tax on your industry

It’s not as if the Lib Dems have done anything to make themselves unpopular or seem indecisive; quite the contrary. Nick Clegg’s steadfastness; Danny Alexander’s bragging that the Oil tax was his idea, the unshakeable will to plant trees in Aberdeen even if they have to wipe out all the wildlife to do it, etc. etc. all these have won admiration. But on with this week’s definitions – it will keep my mind off the tragic SNP/Lib Dem situation.

Tax Haven (noun)

A country or Principality (such as Monaco) with lenient banking regulations, used to shelter money which would be liable to taxation elsewhere in the world. If you are good, then you will go to heaven (some say) when you are dead. If you are good with money, you will go to a tax haven when you are alive. Picture the scene – you are, struggling to get by for yourself and your family on a meagre few hundred million, when all of a sudden the Government announces a staggering tax on your industry.

Suddenly someone is going to make a change like this that will have a great impact on your life – and they didn’t even bother to consult with you first. But no matter. You are probably famous as well as rich, and local politicians will rightly continue to fawn over you – even if you are about to take a few million pounds of tax money out of the country.

Perhaps if you give the locals a wonderful gift of some sort – but what? Maybe a few more shops, concrete and parking spaces – all of course with your name on a big plaque (even maybe a statue of you – that would be a good touch). In addition, the same clever accounting acumen you’ve used to take tax money out of the country may be able to find some way to get you further tax breaks. Hmmm. Perhaps your family can get in on the act somehow. Maybe they could have a Trust fund to keep your gift going for the grateful locals.

When is the next flight to the Channel Islands, or should we just charter a jet.

Design Consultants (collective noun)

Do remember that it was an award-winning architect who got the job of designing the beautiful concrete homes that grace Torry

A form of demi-gods that mankind looks to for guidance. The Romans, Egyptians and other great, long-lasting civilisations followed codes of design based on use of natural materials, harmony of form and function, aesthetics, and proportions built on logic. Thankfully this is the modern world and we don’t’ have to deal with that kind of nonsense any more.

How outrageous can design get? How massively oversized should buildings get? Is there anything better than big sheets of glass curtain wall on high rising buildings which dwarf and clash with their neighbours? The Design Consultant thinks not.

Neither you nor I are in any position to question or criticise a Design Consultant (well, I do have a BA in Fine Art, and did a Master of Fine Art at Edinburgh College of Art). A Design Consultant can use words like ‘juxtaposition’, ‘deconstruction’, ‘iconic’ and post-post Modern’ – all in the same sentence.

Do remember that it was an award-winning architect who got the job of designing the beautiful concrete homes that grace Torry, known locally as ‘pig pens’ or ‘chicken coops’ (because we hapless residents are ignorant of their spatial concepts, defiance of the laws of compression and tension and adherence to socio-economic regional identity or something). However, we are all agreed these are incredibly beautiful structures.

Design costs and Union Terrace Gardens is where you start paying.

From the little sense I can currently get from the Council, we are going to have the same Design Consultants, Read, who gave grateful Londoners a design for the old fashioned Victoria And Albert Museum. The predictable lawn is going, grass being replaced by glass and giant structures, which we are too thick to appreciate.

If this is now predicted to cost double the original estimate, we’re just going to have to dig down into our reserves (those of us still paying tax) and stump up. Remember, the Scottish Parliament would not be the building it is without Design Consultants (or the woman who was appointed to work on the project who had NO prior experience – her genius is evident). So what if the Parliament cost few hundred million more than was budgeted? We’re worth it.

Fear not: the coalition government in London will handle this competition with the same expertise as it’s handled everything else.

Old Susannah No.28 – A Year Half Full? – Or Half Empty?

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour Comments Off

Mar 252011

Happy 9-month birthday to Aberdeen Voice! And Old Susannah’s column has now been running for 6 months.

I was having a quick lemonade with Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Freditor-in-Chief’ as I call him) and he explained how the Voice was born. He was talking to friends, and they were discussing whether it was possible to create as great, impartial, investigative and intelligent a newspaper as the ones we already have in Aberdeen, and they decided to give it a go.

Nine months later, there are dozens of contributors and thousands of readers – but no advertisers the Voice is beholden to.

There are three things I particularly love about the Voice itself.

The first is that absolutely anyone who has something reasonable and coherent to say is welcome to submit an article.

The second is the stories the Voice has broken. For instance, when Trump’s organisation explained to the world’s media that they never considered the use of compulsory purchase orders at Menie, Voice published an excellent article proving this simply was not the case.

When Councillor Malone told the Press & Journal that only ‘about one’ Aberdeen resident contacted her objecting to the deer cull, the Voice’s readers sent in proof to the contrary in spades. And while the Union Terrace Gardens situation gets murkier and more confusing by the minute, the Voice breaks important developments that that are not covered in other local press publications….. for some reason.

The Third great thing about Aberdeen Voice to me is the growing number of readers that are getting involved. People are writing in to the Voice for more information, contacting their elected officials on matters featured in the Voice, and are writing to Voice contributors with important leads, comments and very kind words of encouragement.

Then there are the people who make the Voice a reality. First there is Fred Wilkinson (or ‘Dave’ or ‘Wilkinson’ as Councillor Malone calls him), the editor-in-chief. He has two teenage children, his band, and a host of other projects and yet he finds the time to bring all the contributions together, chase down delinquent sub editors and bring together edition after edition for publication on time, every week.

Mike Shepherd and Sarah-Jane Duffus are two of the leading Union Terrace Gardens writers and activists. Their energy and dedication to saving the city’s only centre park, not to mention probably the most valuable, irreplaceable and beautiful city centre civic asset in Aberdeen, is admirable. It is no wonder that they have ACSEF worried and complaining publicly that the UTG Friends are ‘organised’. They bloody well are.

Rob is the Aberdeen Voice ‘tech guy’ who has a dozen or so of his own projects going, yet can show up to take amazingly high quality photos on breaking stories with lightning speed.

I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people

He has the patience of several saints and continuously improves the technology behind the Voice; its growing readership has meant lots of work for Rob – who also has to try and get me up to speed with technical developments – not an easy task.

I also owe a debt of thanks to Rhonda Reekie, who writes on a variety of subjects. Some six months ago she contacted me and wondered if I’d like to consider writing something for the Voice. Well, six months on and I really must thank the Council and the Big business interests for continuously generating material to write about. I was honoured then and more so now to be part of this amazing group of people and this much-needed and much-enjoyed electronic newspaper which is Aberdeen Voice. Thanks.

I was sick for two weeks, during which the world has become overcome with problems from Libya to Japan. Closer to home, the Scottish Parliament decides not to call in the Loirston Loch stadium plan (as one fellow objector put it, ‘I am surprised they had time to open the envelope, let alone weigh up the issues.”).

One minute we are to kill deer, then no, then yes. To make matters worse, it looks like Stewart Milne homes are losing money, as young would-be purchasers are having their mortgage applications rejected – home sales in the Milne Group may be down as much as 20%. No wonder the poor man wants to increase parking costs at Pittodrie. It’s more than Old Susannah can keep up with.

I was, however, very pleased when I heard about the lorry-load of cement that was dumped on Aberdeen’s roads; I thought it was a great way to fill in some of the potholes. Sad to say, it turned out that this was a mistake, and not a cunning plan by our Council (well, it did sound like the kind of thing they might do). When I finally got out of my sickbed, I was shocked to find that a pothole on Victoria Road had been filled in.

If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

This was also a bit sad for the locals, as we’d been planning on stocking this particular hole with trout. The material filling the hole doesn’t appear to have been ‘tamped down’ at all, and it is of a completely different material than either the road or all the other patches. I have every confidence it will last as long as the other road mends have done. I give it two weeks.

Tuesday was busy – first it was the excellent Mark Edwards ‘Hard Rain’ exhibition and presentation at Aberdeen University. I fully recommend a visit to see the work which will be up for a month. Immediately afterwards I raced to Peacock Visual Arts which hosted ‘Run Down Aberdeen’ – another excellent film by Fraser Denholm and Mike Shepherd. I missed the film – which you can now get online – but was entertained by the panel discussion featuring Fraser, Councillors Martin Greig, Kevin Stewart, and Lewis MacDonald MSP.

The gallery was packed, including the area just outside the gallery. I did get a chance to ask if there was any connection between Stewart Milne’s Triple Kirks plan and the desire to turn our Victorian garden into a parking lot. I didn’t exactly get an answer.

Right, time to define some of the terms arising of late. Apologies for the long intro.

Census (noun) A polling of individuals and householders, usually undertaking by governments, in order to aid future planning.

We are currently all receiving our Census forms, which must be returned by 27 March. No doubt the post office will provide its usual swift service and not a single form will be lost. If you don’t do return your form, you will be deemed to have ‘taken leave of your census’ and may be fined.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question

But you will, of course, want to reveal to the government every detail of your life, family, health, finances etc. That’s how they keep giving us the great, forward-thinking services enjoyed today by the elderly, people with special needs, school children and the poor. The number of bathrooms in your house is crucial to these calculations.

(Naturally all details will be kept strictly confidential – unlike all of the past instances of confidential information being left on trains, leaked or lost).

Aberdeen couldn’t be the great place it is if 10 years ago people hadn’t done their census forms. It is just unfortunate that we’re closing our schools down while at the same time building new ‘affordable homes*’ on every patch of green that still exists. I guess the Census back then must have said our population would quadruple.

It is unfortunate that the population can no longer respond with “Jedi Knight” as an answer on the religion question. This is unfair discrimination against Jedi Knights, and just goes to prove that the dark side of the force is in control in Scotland. Any resemblance between Ms Dean and an Imperial Storm Trooper (or one of those furry muppet alien squeaky things) might be more than coincidental. May the Farce be with you – get those Census forms in.

*Affordable Housing (noun) dwelling places priced lower than fair market value, intended to benefit people with low incomes.

Are you a multimillionaire feeling the pinch? Need to build some luxury des-res homes in the greenbelt (where there is no VAT to pay on the land) in a hurry and cheaply? Need to convince those sceptical, uncooperative, incisive Councillors that new housing should be built rather than old buildings converted? Well then, ‘affordable housing ‘ is your ticket to your next few million.

The local authorities will always give you planning permission anyway, but the phrase ‘affordable housing’ is music to their ears: it will help them to justify the approval to build your unique, individualistic, state-of-the art homes where endangered species currently roam unchecked.

You’ll probably get a tax break for building ‘affordable homes’ as well.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel

What happens is this: your development goes up, and you build say 2 to 4 ‘affordable homes . The press tells the world what a great guy you are, and announces the date for the homes to be sold. People then queue up on site to buy these bargains for days in advance of the sale. The first few people get the homes, and move in to spend many happy years living in a luxurious new development.

None of these buyers will instantly sell their bargain property for a massive profit – that would be morally wrong and would defeat the purpose of ‘affordable housing’ in the first place.

Budget (noun) a set list of rules for fiscal expenditure.

In the UK the budget is set by established financial wizard and genius, George Osborne.

There is dancing in the streets today as people rejoice over the 1p reduction in the price of motor fuel. People can now fill their tanks for about 17p less than before. What will you do with your 17p? You could put it towards the cost of a drink, but it won’t pay for the increased cost of your cigarettes (which you should really quit anyway – unless you’re immortal and super-rich).

The ‘coalition’ government was no doubt left with a huge mess to clean up, and bombing Libya will no doubt go a long way to helping us get back on our feet. Or something. We did after all sell Libya all those finely crafted, UK made handcuffs, riot gear, clubs and shackles – time to capitalise on the investment.

By bombing them, we’re making more money for UK Defence Contractors. Result!

The old joke was ‘A capitalist is someone who will sell you the rope they are going to hang you with’. The Libya situation is an interesting take on this sentiment. Clearly nothing is more important than British Jobs – and the idea of weapons large and small no longer being made in the UK is too much to bear.

The North Sea Oil industry will be stumping up an extra few pence in tax, and George Osborne has promised to close some of the tax loopholes exploited by the rich for decades. I just hope none of our important, famous multi-millionaires are troubled by this budget. Somehow, I doubt they will be.

Next week – more definitions and a look back at some of the Old Susannah outstanding issues

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.27 – A Mail Dominated Issue?

Articles, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour Comments Off

Mar 112011

Voice’s Old Susannah comments on current events and enlightens us with definitions of some tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

A week is a long time in politics so they say (NB – for some of you Councillors out there, a week is ‘about’ seven days), and poor old John Stewart, our fearless Council Leader, is having quite a week. Not only are people refusing to do as he says (the Church of Scotland are being very mean indeed), but people are also actually questioning him.

Yes, really! He is head of our Council, after all: who are we to question him, whether it be about killing – sorry culling – deer, building stadiums, service cuts or Council job losses?

Old Susannah is against anyone hitting anyone, but a woman has apparently smacked our John when he was out with his partner Neil having a lager shandy in the Kirkgate Bar. Violence is no answer, but the question is what provoked it? I am told she was a council employee. Maybe she just likes parks, deer, schools, services and clean air?

The truth is out there, someone please fill me in … on second thoughts, please, don’t fill me in, just enlighten me.

But my sympathies lie with those brave souls who would try and park at Golden Square. There are about 3 versions of how long you can stay and how much it costs. You would need a lawyer and an accountant to avoid getting a ticket, and our Kate’s been in the news assuring us that the contradictory signs will be looked at some time, and that fines already given out will stand. How much better run the parking is now than a year ago when the meager funds collected for parking in Golden Square went to a deserving charity. The Council shows its usual compassion and logic yet again.

ASBO: (Noun) UK, modern acronym coined under the Blair Government signifying ‘anti-social behaviour order’.

These were given to persistently badly-behaving people (loud music always blaring at night, aggressive or offensive behaviour, what have you) and it was believed an ASBO would shame the wrongdoer into becoming a model citizen. Unfortunately the ASBO instead ‘became a badge of honour for CHAVS (‘Council-Housed and Violent’) and NEDS (‘Non-Educated Delinquents). Acronyms all round then.

Our very own Leader John Stewart says that the Church of Scotland should be given an ASBO. Why you might rightly ask?

This great modern, imaginative look would be so very wonderful in Union Terrace Gardens, I am sure.

Well, the Church did not behave as John wanted it to. That itself is enough to convince me an ASBO is deserved, but for openers, the Church of Scotland would not lower its selling price for Greyfriars Church next to Marischal College to the level John wanted, and the City could not therefore buy it.

As we all know, Aberdeen City Council will sell property to you (if you are a multimillionaire developer) for far less than the market value, so why wouldn’t the Church do the same for the City?

But the Church had gone even farther – it would not clean its granite facade, and it charged the City for swinging a crane over the church when it made the glorious remodeling of Marischal College. I am sure we all agree that with its newly cleaned Granite, Marischal looks splendid. It does not remotely look at all like a sterile, antiseptic giant wedding cake of a building out of sync with its environment. Its loveliness is enhanced by the removal of any trace of greenery (so far anyway) and the addition of a concrete pavement. This great modern, imaginative look would be so very wonderful in Union Terrace Gardens, I am sure.

The Church should have been forced to likewise spend hundreds of thousands of pounds to remove any trace of dirt from its building, even if the dirt makes the architectural features stand out and adds character (antique metal pieces are cherished for their ‘patina’ – and cleaning such an antique lowers its value).

I am sure those people opposed to the deer kill – sorry, I mean cull – are most glad that vast sums of money were spent cleaning Marischal College (not to mention the £80 million allocated to the project in total) and understand that the City cannot find £225k anywhere for fences or plastic for the trees, so will quite rightly kill, I mean cull, the deer.

Funnily enough, it is standard practice to charge a builder for swinging cranes over the top of existing buildings. However, the Church should have known the Council would never have permitted anything to go wrong, and should have waived this usual fee. An ASBO is the least the Church should receive for being mean to John.

we can count on her going back to the Press & Journal to publicly set the record straight. She would, of course, not want to mislead P&J readers

An ASBO can also be used to make a bad neighbour keep their property in good order. So if you know of any person or entity in Aberdeen which fails to maintain property they own – such as pavements being crooked, dangerous and litter-strewn, roads covered with potholes, – do get in touch with your Council and ask for an ASBO to be doled out. Tell them John sent you.

Email: (Verb) To send communication via electronic means to a specified recipient or recipients.

I hear that all the young people today are using email rather than putting pen to paper, but it should be remembered that email does not always get to its desired location (unlike snail mail, which never goes astray).

It is also easy for email to be accidentally ‘deleted’. Such an unfortunate thing happened to our own Councillor Aileen Malone, who accidentally deleted email (including one from me), which showed people living in Aberdeen were opposed to the deer kill -I mean cull. Ms Malone went to the press last week, saying ‘about one’ email from Aberdeen residents were sent to her about the deer slaughter. Now that she knows she had received more, we can count on her going back to the Press & Journal to publicly set the record straight. She would, of course, not want to mislead P&J readers.

It also looks like an electronic communication sent by MSP Richard Baker to object (goodness knows why) to building the Loirston Community Arena Stadium thingy never was received by our planning geniuses. It certainly was not mentioned in the report prepared by the Council for the Loirston hearing, which did manage to quote MSP Adam’s support for the stadium. Reports are reaching Old Susannah that a senior Council official says Richard Baker did not submit an objection in time /did not submit one. I know whom I am inclined to believe – watch this space for further developments.

In summary, email is used to send communication – but if you receive any email you do not want to have or which is inconvenient, just delete it and deny it. No one will ever find out. Simples.

Blackmail: (Verb) To threaten to use force or expose information unless money or other compensation is delivered.

The problem with giving into the demands of blackmailers is that once you start, they will keep on blackmailing you forever

Blackmail is illegal of course. A kidnapper may threaten to kill – sorry, cull – an innocent hostage unless demands are met. A City Council may threaten to kill – sorry cull , a number of tame, blameless, innocent, beautiful deer in order to plant trees (which could be planted anywhere) unless animal lovers come up with £225K by a deadline.

Personally I think this is the most innovative thinking to come out of the Council in ages. The City could start using this tactic elsewhere. Maybe they could threaten to close schools, shed jobs and services unless they get more money.

The problem with giving into the demands of blackmailers is that once you start, they will keep on blackmailing you forever. The problem with giving a wasteful institution more money is that they will keep wasting money on frivolous, self-aggrandizing projects (squares, shopping malls, grandiose offices with new state-of-the-art features and new furniture) while the people whose needs are greater suffer.

Does this Council need more money – or does it need more common sense, compassion and humility? (At least we will take comfort knowing that whatever is going on, Kate Dean still finds time to attend a dozen or so shows at the AECC a year. I am still thinking what a night it must have been for Neil Young when she attended his show – did he get a chance to meet her I wonder? What are her favourite Neil Young songs? Top must be ‘Proud to be a Union Man’).

If the shoe were on the other foot and a population grew weary of its bungling elected officials, blackmail could also be used: ‘Represent our views, give us decent services and clean, safe streets – or we will vote you out of office’. Not a pleasant thought, is it?

Diversion (1): (Noun) A re-routing of traffic to enable emergency works or repairs to take place.

A diversion should take in as many side roads and eat up as much petrol and time as possible, and should not distract a driver with unnecessary signage – they will eventually figure out where they are. A diversion say from one end of Berryden to the other might take in a few hospitals and be routed on narrow back streets.

Diversion (2): (Noun) To deflect attention or resources from one area to another, often to cover up any error or bad practice.

Only the worst kind of cynic would suggest that recent press announcements concerning Sir Ian Wood pledging £400k or so towards a Union Terrace Gardens Trust (of some sort or other) and Scottish Enterprise pledging likewise towards turning UTG into a much-needed parking lot are a diversion.

What would Sir I and SE want to divert attention from? Surely not the emerging story that money, which had been earmarked for the Peacock project – some £375k – was actually spent on the rival plan backed by ACSEF, Stew Milne and Sir I? No – I am certain SE, ACSEF, Sir I and Stew all want to find out and bring to light just how this money was diverted from Peacock – they do not want to divert your attention from this little matter at all.

Truth will out; even if ACSEF still refuse to hand over its meeting minutes to me. I could send them another FOI request, but banging my head against the wall or talking to a lamppost would be more fruitful. If any readers out there would like to contact ACSEF or SE and ask for copies of meeting minutes where Peacock, UTG, and funding were discussed, please do be my guest.