Oct 222012
 

By Bob Smith. 

Mair hooses are tae bi biggit
Near Pinewood, an Brig o’ Don
Is’t nae time tae ca a halt
An say noo jist haud on?

Faar there’s biggins ye hiv cars
At least een tae iverry hoose
Jist think o aa the clutter
If mair motorists are lit loose

Noo fowk div need a hoosie
Faar tae bide there’s nae doot
Yet a bittie sinse is needed
Afore the foons they are laid oot

Dinna bigg in the suburbs
Some planners noo div cry
Cos congestion on the roadies
Ye wull git by an by

Developer chiels they scoff at iss
Sayin new hooses they maan bigg
Tae maximise aa their profits
Be it Grandholm or near Nigg

Aboot aa iss hoose biggin
Fowks we maan hae a think
Afore iss gweed lan o oors
Ooner  hooses it dis sink

So awa an bigg yer hooses
On an inner city broonfield site
Afore aa oor bonnie green parks
Are a mass o concrete shite

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Picture  © Madartists | Dreamstime.com
http://www.dreamstime.com/row-of-stones-patio-bricks-imagefree19977

Oct 042012
 

By Bob Smith. 

We noo hid a seetivation
In Serie “A” last wikk
Far fitba player Miroslav Klose
Proved he wisna a cheetin dick

In the 3rd meenit o the gemme
Lazio seemed ti score
Napoli players were in a fizz
“Han ba” wis their roar

The ref near blew the fussle
Fin he saw the ba gyang in
Syne forrit steps Herr Klose
An admits the han ba sin

Honesty in a fitba match
Gweed sakes an michty me
Fan last did a hear sic a thing
Maybe awa back aroon ’53

Coaches in iss kwintra
Wull aa be haein a fit
At the thocht o sic honesty
Ca’in Klose a stupid git

The “maan win at aa costs”
Iss philosophy they div spoot
Nivver myn aboot sportsmanship
It’s oot the winda a doot

Fitba fans shud stan up
In iss gweed lan o Scotia
An tak their hats aff tae
An honest Miroslav Klose

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep 262012
 

By Bob Smith. 

A bodie’s view wis on Facebook
Misca’in some fowk in the “deen”
Fer haen a certain opinion
Aboot fit’s best fer Aiberdeen

If yer roots they are nae local
An inabootcomer ye wis ca’d
Anti views aboot the Granite Web
Iss blogger thinks affa bad

A’ve biden here in Aiberdeen
Roon aboot fifty eer or so
Bein born jist oot the toon
A’d be classed iss blogger’s foe

A cwidna believe fit wis posted
By a numptie a class as a gowk
Twis similar tae a 1930’s rant
Sayin ye maun be o certain stock

Wull the pro Granite Web camp
Distance themsels fae iss crap?
An protest ti the Facebook fowk
So iss bugger’s “blog” they drap

A maesel are agin the “Web”
An connachin the oasis o green
A view geen wi richt honesty
Tho nae born in Aiberdeen

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep 262012
 

Voice’s poetry mannie Bob Smith takes a wee bit of a departure this week, seemingly in the footsteps of  Edward Lear, whilst ‘hingin on ticht’ to his native tongue.

There wis a young loon fae Montrose
Faa wore affa bricht coloured hose
He wint oot on his bike
Wis attacked by a tyke
Aat silly young loon fae Montrose
.
There wis a quine fae Stonehaven
Faa wis kent ti be a bit craven
She widna ging oot at nicht
In case she took fricht
Aat daft quine fae Stonehaven
.
There wis a chiel  fae Glen Garry
Faa’s job wis drivin a larry
He sped doon iss hill
Fell foul o the “Auld Bill”
Aat feelish chiel  fae Glen Garry
.
There wis a  quine fae Portree
Faa suddenly wint it ti pee
She wint intae lang girss
Bit fell doon on her erse
Aat  misfortnat quine fae  Portree
.
There wis a young loon fae Braemar
Faa needed a new motor car
He funcied an Alfa Romeo
Landed up wi a Mondeo
Aat puir young loon fae Braemar
.
There wis an aul man fae Kintore
Faa  funcied the local whore
Fin he asked fit it cost
He wis telt ti get lost
Aat randy auld man fae Kintore
There wis a young chiel fae Ayr
As an artist hid considerable flair
Ti pint a portrait o  his mither
He fun iss nae bither
Aat talented young chiel fae Ayr
.
There wis a  wifie fae Wick
Efter binge drinkin wis maist affa sick
She dooned three bottles o wine
An still thocht she’d be fine
Aat drunken  wifie fae Wick
.
There wis a billie fae Skene
At golf wis maist affa keen
He missed so mony putts
It drove the guy nuts
Aat daft gowfin billie fae Skene
.
There wis a young miss fae Rosehearty
Her dress sense wis thocht a bit “tarty”
Hemlines up ti her bum
Naethin coverin her tum
Aat modern young miss fae Rosehearty
.
There wis a young ned fae Lochcarron
Faa wis the local drugs baron
Ae  nicht he got drunk
An lost aa his “skunk”
Aat silly young ned fae Lochcarron
.
There wis an aul hag fae Lumphanan
Faa’s fart wis as lood as a cannon
Efter denner plus three gins
She cwid  be heard in Torphins
Aat “windy” aul  hag fae Lumphanan

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Sep 212012
 

By Bob Smith. 

The Donald’s noo bin telt
Yer advert wi div deplore
Showin some rottin win turbines
Fit warna near Scotia’s shore

The advert wis misleadin
Says fowk fae the ASA
The photo wis o turbines
In 50th state o theUSA

Noo Trumpie he protested
Sayin we telt far t’wis teen
The affa sma print in the advert
Suggestit it wisna near Aiberdeen

Na Na min said the billies
Fa look intae sic like capers
Ye shudna hae pit it in
The bliddy local papers

Dinna dare use it ony mair
Weel nae in it’s preesint form
Use photos of turbine types
Nearer tae Scotland’s norm

Noo iss begs the simple question
Fit wye the P&J printed the ad
There is advertisin standards
Tae be adhered tae in iss land

Nae doot the auld excuse
Eence mair will be trottit oot
We took the advert in good faith
An it brocht us some mair loot

So fit noo Donald we maun ask
Tae the ASA wull ye buckle?
Ye dinna like bein telt fit tae dee
An gittin rappit ower the knuckles

Iss turbines row is biggin up tae be
A fecht wi Eck, Trump’s auld bosom pal
Wull it be  a showdoon at dawn
Like the “Gunfecht at the OK Corral”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Sep 132012
 

By Bob Smith. 

Baith sides claim they are richt
Fowk snarlin’s nae a bonnie sicht
The jaw aboot UTG nivver eyns
Aneuch tae fair blaw fowk’s myns

Some cooncillors rail aboot democracy
Ithers say we’re nae gyaan tae dee
Fit business billies they did ask
The TIF scheme wis teen tae task

Politics played oot in cooncil chambers
As the local papers stoke the embers
Scottish Parlimint stick in the knife
Tae cause Labour a wee bit strife

Fit’s happenin noo is tit fer tat
Labour an SNP are haein a spat
Fowk staun aroon fair bemused
Lots o them are nae amused

Tam Smith o Acsef is diggin in
“We’ll nae gie up till we win
Tae the suit brigade jist aa kowtow
An the CGP  ye maun allow”

Awa Tam ging an bile yer heid
The Granite Web we dinna need
Tae restore city cinter tae former glory
Needs common sense nae some fairy story

Oor toon cinter wis left tae rot
Fin aa the shoppin malls we got
Raisin the gairdens winna help ae bit
City planners hiv left us in the shit

Tae bring back pride in oor city
Disna need ideas fae a Walter Mitty
Restore the fabric o oor bonnie toon
Dinna aye bliddy teer things doon

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep 132012
 

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is like the difference between lightning and the lightning bug” Mark Twain.

Aberdeen Voice carried a feature last year about Katie Scott’s quest to have a commemorative plaque erected in Inverurie for her grandfather, the Doric writer and performer Dufton Scott. Here’s Katie’s update.

My task was to have a plaque designed and made. The chosen plaque makers, Leander Architectural, were very supportive and helpful, offering me several designs from which to choose.

I was clear about the wording; it needed to include, Dufton Scott – the refined and original Scottish humourist.

But this sparked some debate in the family. Do we say Scots or Scottish or, dare I say it, Scotch? This led to some interesting research.

I found no end of debates around these words which brought in other items of interest including,

Scot free  – very interesting!

Scotch whisky

Scotch myths and Scotch mist, Scotch broth, Scotch tape, more commonly Sellotape.

Then we have English, Scottish, Irish, British, but American, Australian, Norwegian, Saudi Arabian, Brazilian.

This was a most enjoyable and interesting detour, as I love words and looking at their origins and derivatives and so on, but the choice seemed to be made for me. Dufton had described himself as Scottish humorist on an advertising flyer which I have. Note the spelling of his occupation , which led to another battle of words. A potentially expensive one for me, as I will shortly explain.

Once I had agreed the design, size and colour of the plaque, I double-checked the wording on it.

I was very happy.

It looked like this.

I paid for the production and delivery to Kellas, Solicitors. My next task was to arrange some kind of unveiling which proved to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined.

The Doric Festival is an important annual cultural festival.  The unveiling of the plaque to Dufton Scott would be an appropriate festival event, so I contacted Sandy Stronach, Festival Director, who was keen to support and help me. He wrote this on last year’s Doric Festival website,

“Unveiling a Plaque at Inverurie

Robert Dufton Scott

A communiction from Katie es verra day means that it hisna bin possible tae get aathin thegidder for pittin up a plaque es eer!

But we’ll leave es message here as we’ll maist certainly pit on an event neist year!

So look oot for “Dufton Scott” in 2012!

Dufton Scott was a noted writer of Doric plays and performer, including Gavin Greig’s “Mains Wooin”.

Born in Forgue in 1880, he eventually ran a shop in Inverurie, dying in 1944.

Not before time his grand-daughter, Katie Scott, is organising to unveil a plaque to her grand-father at the site of the shop, now Stronachs,(sic) the Solicitor at High Street, Inverurie.

At this stage we do not have a date or time for the unveiling, but we have told Katie that we will be present and will help out with readings.

If like the Festival Director you remember Dufton Scott in his shop or if you remember performances of his works then this is an event you should not miss!

Keep an ee oot on es page fer the hinmast times fin they come tae han!”

Also supportive was Charles Barron, so it was with immense sadness that I learned that this great Doric playwright, academic, actor and teacher had died earlier this year.

I am also sad that I have been unable to stay in touch with Sandy, so I do not have any information about this year’s Doric Festival. If anyone has this, I would love to know, do please contact me.

Another who has been of great help is Lorna Alexander, who told me that she is to perform some of Dufton Scott’s work, as well has her own, in Inverurie on October 2 as part of the Luminate Festival. Since I have come to a complete dead end in finding out anything about this year’s Doric Festival, Lorna kindly invited me to attend her readings at the Acorn Centre. It will be wonderful to hear Dufton’s work performed, and exciting to see the plaque which will be erected by then, with one major correction.

As I was going through my box of things pertaining to Dufton, I looked again at the flyer which had sparked my word hunt about Scots or Scottish.

As I said, I have always loved words and dictionaries and am always keen to learn more.

So I experienced a strange feeling as I looked again at the yellowing flyer, at my grandad’s handsome face, and at the strange way he had chosen to spell humorist.

Why would he, a wordsmith, spell it incorrectly?

My expression changed from puzzlement to horror. Oh no! Did I ever even check the spelling of the word?

I dashed for my Collins English Dictionary, a huge tome, much-thumbed, heavy and lovely. I tore through the pages to find the blasted word.

Good grief.

The correct spelling, of course, because Dufton would not have got it wrong, is humorist, although this really does look wrong doesn’t it?

I scrambled to the phone, but it was a bank holiday and there was no answer from Leander Architectural. I got up first thing the next day, phoned, to be told that unfortunately the plaque was already made, and ready to ship that day. Thankfully, they agreed to stop the order but unfortunately the whole plaque had to be recast. As I said, a most expensive mistake, but I am sure the people of Inverurie will be happier to know that one of the town’s most famous residents is commemorated appropriately.

A group of the Scott family is descending on Inverurie for the first week in October. We shall take pleasure and pride in viewing the plaque on the wall of Kellas, Solicitors. We are looking forward to meeting Lorna and hearing her performance of two of Dufton Scott’s pieces. If you have any memories of Dufton Scott, do please get in touch. We could share a wee dram!

It would be wonderful if we could also find the other grandchildren of Dufton Scott. Our father was Gavin Scott, but he had a brother, Robert, who had two girls, Frances and Margaret. What a joy it would be if we could trace them too.

  • Contact info and links:

e-mail –  Katie.scott@gmx.com

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/scot%20free.html

http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2010/09/scot-scotch-scottish.html

http://www.charlesbarron.co.uk/

http://www.luminatescotland.org/events/value-age-doric-sketches-lorna-alexander

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Sep 072012
 

By Bob Smith.

I  micht be ower sixty five
Bit I’m still fairly fit
Yet I’m afen lookit upon
As bein some auld git

They treat aa us senior fowk
As though we’re past oor best
There’s lots o’ us  aaler eens
Fa treat life wi great zest

Oor brains are nae defunct
Tho’ sometimes we micht forget
They wint tae pit us oot tae grass
Weel we’re nae jist ready yet

We dinna hit fowk ower the heid
Dinna hae a binge drinkin’ spree
The only drugs we micht tak
Are for thingies like HBP

We’re nae aat weel thocht o’
Oor opinion it disna maitter
Yet the silver surfin army wid hae
Things rinnin a gweed deal better

Seniors shud stan fer parliament
We’d aa be much better aff
The lot aat are in residence
Behave  like a bunch o’ nyaffs

Aa ye aaler anes oot there
Rebel ye senior  limmers
So we can hae a better life
Stan up an shak yer zimmers!

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/

Aug 312012
 

By Bob Smith.

I weel myn o the hairst time
Wi its golden quilts o corn
Faither sayin if the wither huds
We’ll get stairted cuttin the morn 

The chatter o the binder blades
As fowk warked till it wis dark
The exasperation on faither’s face
If the knotter it widna wark 

Wi shaifs o corn aneath each airm
Ye set up raws o stooks
If they werna deen jist richt
Ye got lots o funny looks 

Fin the stooks war ready
For them tae be teen in
Again ye warked till the dark
Ti stop afore wid hae been a sin

I myn o faither biggin’ rukks
Ye wid find hard tae match
He took great pride in seein them
Tapp’t aff wi a layer o thatch

I ken the combine it is faister
In the parks it fair flees aroon
Bit ye’ve lost aa the freen’ship
Gyaan aboot fin I wis a loon  

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit © Elaine Andrews

Aug 242012
 

By Bob Smith.

Faa’s at bawlin an greetin
Oot ower a UTG balustrade?
It’s Sir Ian an aa his cohorts
Faa hiv aa iss wailin made 

The cooncillors are aa numpties
The Freens o UTG are as weel
Fer nae littin the ACSEF lot
Git awa wi iss dodgy deal

Aiberdeen’s nae a bonnie place
Says yon Dutchman Leo Koot
He’ll be up stakes an leavin
An “TAQA” wi him nae doot

Wee Stewartie wis fair fizzin
His phizog wid hae turn’t milk soor
Tam Smith he’ll be jinin in
In  fair kickin up a stoor

Mike Shepherd o Freens o UTG
Wull be weerin a smile richt big
An aa the fowk faa helpit him
Wull be deein an Aiberdeen Jig

Noo we’ll hae tae git crackin
Wi  a  better scheme fer UTG
An bring the gairdens up tae scratch
So’s  the green oasis we’ll still see

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012