Lit’s Hear It Fer Iss Warld

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 102012
 

Beautiful Alps
By Bob Smith.

The warld’s noo an affa place
Is the spik ye fyles div hear
The planet itsel’s nae tae blame
Jist some fowk fa’s on’t a fear 

Oor warld’s there tae be enjoyed
It’s faar aabody’s born and bred
It keeps us aa fed an wattered
In Aiberdeen or aroon the Med 

Heich snaw capped muntins
Faar ower valleys ye can look
In clear an crystal rivers
Brave fowk can hae a dook 

There’s buttercups an ither flooers
In leys aa ower oor  sphere
Wild animals an bonnie birdies
As weel as aa kines o deer 

Noo aathing’s nae hunky dory
Aat a div ken richt weel
We hiv a puckle greedy fowk
Fa tell lees or try tae steal

Politicians and bunker chiels
They fair div tap ma list
An bliddy big business diddy men
Fa only wint tae full their kist

Tak nae heed o sic buggers
There are fowk far mair genteel
Fa dee a lot o unsung gweed
An dinna parley wi the deil

Lit’s here it for iss warld o oors
An the gweed fowk on iss planet
Ignore the Trumps an their like
Listen tae yer auld Auntie Janet

© Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: Beautiful Alps © Hwee Fuan Tey | Dreamstime.com

Mair Rain!!!

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jul 262012
 

SKY MOUNTAIN 1 © Alexandru Mitrea | Dreamstime.com
By Bob Smith. 

I dinna myn a bittie rain
It fresh’ns aathing up
A haill month’s rain in a day
Fyles noo is bein dumped

Watter rins doon the streets
Drains canna tak the strain
Ony mair sic wachty shooers
Watter’s gurglin back oot again

Flooers are lookin drookit
Heids low wi the wecht
Wi aa the watter fae the sky
The bird bath sees nae fecht

Birdies look a bit bedraiglt
They’re hidin in the trees
Waitin for the sun tae shine
An feathers dry in the breeze

Fin the sun braks throwe again
An stame rises fae the grun
Kids’ll splash throwe the puddles
They’ll be haein lots o fun

Nae doot the morn wull be fine
Birds aa wull tweet and trill
Next wikk o coorse it’ll be pissin doon
O rain maist fowk hiv hid their fill

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
 Image Credit: SKY MOUNTAIN 1 © Alexandru Mitrea | Dreamstime.com

Is Yer Gless Haaf Teem?

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jul 122012
 

Sunrise
By Bob Smith.

Are ye an optimist or pessimist?
Foo dis yer brain aye think?
Hiv ye a maist positive naitur?
Or is negativity yer faavrit drink? 

Is yer warld noo a waefu place?
Is Armageddon jist ower the hill?
Or is there sunshine in yer life?
An iverry day it fits the bill? 

Div ye worry aboot the future?
Or tak ilka day as it cums?
Are dark cloods aye githerin?
His yer face a dose o “the glums”? 

Is yer gless aye haaf teem?
Or is yer gless haaf fu?
Hiv ye a happy ootlook?
Or are ye doon in the moo? 

Tak a wee bittie time fowks
Jist  ti see fit wye ye lean
Is laachter aye yer brither?
Or is gloomy foo yer seen? 

Turn yer face ti the sun
An shadows ahint ye faa
So says a Maori proverb
A thocht maist affa braw 

So brichten up yer daily life
Think naething is a chore
Pit pessimism in the bin
Lit positivity oot ye roar

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: © Steve Alvarez | Dreamstime.com

Bad Mad Bunkers

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jul 062012
 

By Bob Smith.

Holiday with Money

Bunkers noo are in the shit
Some fair div tak the mick
Is yer bunker a couthie chiel
Or jist anither greedy prick
.
Parliament nae langer kens fit’s fit
Tap bunkers noo rule the roost
Weel o coorse we aa div ken
Their bunk balances aa git a boost
.
Lots o siller as a bonus is gien
Ti cyards faa appruved the cheatin
Time ti kick them faar it hurts
Nivver myn their bliddy greetin		 Time we hid mair local bunks
Faar ye tauk ti a human face
Nae aye hingin on the phone
Ti be telt yer in seventh place
.
Shut doon the stock exchange
Gie investors back their cash
Crooked traders in “the City”
Wid see their empires crash
.
Stop the swickin aa ower the lan
It’s time tae git aff oor hunkers
An tell the bobbies far ti pit
Thae bunch o bad, mad bunkers

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: HOLIDAY WITH MONEY© Andy Brown | Dreamstime.com

The Fairm Road

 Aberdeenshire, Creative Writing  No Responses »
Jun 142012
 

Country Road
By Bob Smith.

I bade doon a fairm road
It wis roonaboot twa mile lang
Twistin its wye throwe the widd
Back an fore ti skweel I’d gyang

Fower fairms war on iss road
An a bonnie wee cottage forbye
Richt at the eyn o iss roadie
Wis far oor fairm hame did lye

There wis rodden trees an spruces
An gean trees nae far fae hame
There wis larik trees an beech eens
An sycamore or wis’t a plane?

Throwe the widd an doon the howe
The road wis gey steenie an bumpy
The grocers’ vans hid ti tak their time
Iss made the drivers a bittie grumpy

In winter time the snaw dang doon
Fillin the road up ower the dykes
Fowk fin they cam  fae roon aboot
Fun they cwidna use their bikes

The roadie noo his chynged a bit
Some trees hiv been cut doon
Bit I still gyang in bye the road
Far I waakit fin Iwisa loon

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: COUNTRY ROAD © Iperl | Dreamstime.com

 

 

Sixty ’Ears “On The Throne”

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Jun 072012
 

toilet-roll
By Bob Smith. 

Her Majesty she his bin
Sixty ’ears “on the throne”
She maan hae a sair belly
Littin oot an antrin groan

A gweed laxative ‘tis needed
Ti aise the puir wumman’s woes
Efter sixty ’ears “on the throne”
Ye’d hae ti maximise the dose

Noo am nae an anti royalist
Nor a supporter o the croon
Bit “on the throne” aa iss time
Maan git Her Majesty doon

Raise a gless o Syrup o Figs
As a toast ti Her Majesty
 Efter sixty ’ears “on the throne”
Fae win micht she bide free

A ken richt weel wi iss poem
Een or twa micht nae see reason
An ca upon the powers aat be
Ti hae me jiled fer treason

QueenVictoria micht hae said
We are nae amused
Clap the mannie in irons
Iss canna be excused

So ony mail addressed ti me
An ma trial cwid need fundin
Jist sen it ti “The Poetry Mannie”
C/O The Tower o London 

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image: Creative Commons © Terry Johnston
http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerbooktrance/

Ode Ti Aiberdeen Quines On A Setterday Nicht

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 312012
 

beermugpic
By Bob Smith. 

Binge drinkin quines – there’s nithing worse
They  faa aboot an sweir an curse
Wi hurdies keekin oot their draars
They stumble oot o clubs an bars

Oh bonnie quine fit are ye deein
Squattin in some shop door peein
Syne styterin oot  on ti the street
Yer knickers danglin roon yer feet

Ye try ti hail a passin taxi
Bit only lan up on yer jaxie
Ye  wanner hame  intae yer bed
And waakin up aside some ned

Puir quine ye’re still a wee bit foo
As ye struggle ti  the nearest loo
Ye look in  the mirror—oh fit a sicht!
An ye canna myn a thing aboot last nicht

 ©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit: BEER MUG© Melinda Nagy | Dreamstime.com

“Licht Blues” Hiv Turn’t Ti Green

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 242012
 

By Bob Smith.

Ibrox - The home of Rangers F.C. on Edmiston Drive, Glasgow. Rangers Football Club Gates also in view.

Some fowk doon Govan wye
Wi sad facies hiv bin seen
Fair dumfoonert aboot the news
Gers saved bi a mannie GREEN
.
Noo things cwid hae bin affa worse
An fair added ti Blue Noses plight
If Charles G an Craig W jined forces
Gers wid be ained  by Green an Whyte
.
The hail thing his noo becum
Jist like a  Brian Rix farce
They micht lan in liquidation
Sic a richt kick up the arse.
.
Seems Trumpie he wis sniffin aboot
Myn his auld mither cam fae Tong
Bit “The Donald” seen skedaddled
Fin Gers finances gid aff a pong
.
He widna hae hid windfairms
Doon the wye o Copeland Road
An he cwid hae biggit a big hoosie
On Murray Park as his new abode		 Wull the SPL becum a coordly bunch
If  a New Co rises fae the mire
An vote ti keep the “licht blues” in
Lichtin Scottish Fitba’s funeral pyre
.
Fan’s wull think iss is the eyn
O sportin integrity in the game
A helluva lot hiv noo threatened
Ti bide awa an stey at hame
.
A final thocht as ti new ainers
Gers fans wid lose aa hope
If een o the fowk in the consortium
Wis the video film mannie Tim Pope
.
We maan tho hae some peety
Decent Gers fans fin it nae funny
A fyow eers they’ve bin supportin
A team wi nae bliddy money
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

.
Image Credit © Copyright G Laird and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

A Gowfer’s Lament

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 242012
 

By Bob Smith.

GOLF COURSE © Boleslaw Kubica | Dreamstime.com

The game o gowf is puzzlin
Causes frustration yet gies pleasure
Fin ye think ye’ve got it cracked
It shows it’s got yer measure
.
Yer drive it splits the fairway
The nine iron shot’s a dream
Ye miss anither twelve inch putt
It’s aneuch ti mak ye scream
.
Anither drive doon the middle
Next shot’s bang on the stik
Fit silly sod pit a bunker ‘ere
His brain it maan be thick
 .
Ye crack een verra close ti green
Syne thin yer next wedge shot
Fit wye div a play iss silly sport?
My game’s gien a ti pot
.
A five widd at a blin par three
Yer sure it maan be close
Ye fin it’s fifty fitt awa
Yer feelin fair morose
.
Yer next tee shot’s a bittie  hookit
It his feenished on a bank
Nae problem – jist an easy swing
Oh no! A bliddy shank		 Ye reach the turn in forty
Ah weel it cwid be worse
Next shot flees weel oot o bounds
It’s time ti sweir an curse
.
Ye hit a richt monster drive
It’s soarin weel oot o sicht
Yer partners shak their heids an say
Yer swing it wisna  richt
.
Maist  shots are oot  the sweet spot
Fit are ye deein right?
Next roond it’ll be back ti slicin
And playin a load o shite
.
Ye hit the green in regulation
Syne ye tak three putts
Ye stan ‘ere  an scratch yer heid
It fairly drives ye nuts
.
Yer keepin yer game tigether
The last hole -yer nearly hame
Seeven shots later an ye mutter
Fa inventit iss stupid game?
.
Ah weel there’s aywis next wikk
Ye return wi fresh hope an vigour
Ye duff yer first drive seeventy yards
Did I hear some bugger snigger?

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie “ 2012
Image Credit:  © Boleslaw Kubica | Dreamstime.com

Integrity An Democracy

 Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 172012
 

By Bob Smith.

utgpanpic

Integrity an democracy wull be lost
If the City Gairdens plans ye scrap
So says yon mannie fae Acsef
We maan pit Aiberdeen on the map
.
The chiel his hid a memory lapse
Integrity and democracy it deet
The day the public consultation vote
Wis ignored by Sir Ian an his creed
.
The lot in the coalition cooncil
Ti spik ti Widdie felt the need
Onybody wi a grain o sense
Kentiss widna dee ony gweed		 Is it ta-ta ti the Granite Web?
Weel we’ll hae ti wait an hope
The Labour lot stik ti their guns
An Sir Ian Widd is left ti mope
.
The third briggie ower the River Don
Micht be fer the chap as weel
Ross Grant is noo on the cooncil
He thinks the scheme is bliddy feel
.
Integrity an democracy micht recover
In the toon twixt Don an Dee
If some cooncillors they haud faist
An ti Widdie dinna bend the knee

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

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