Humour Archives - Page 18 of 18

Old Susannah’s Dictionary Corner

Creative Writing, Featured, Opinion, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jul 092010

By Suzanne Kelly.

Democratic Government

A western style of social organisation existing to ensure that shopping and car park complexes are built, and disadvantaged and misunderstood multi-millionaires have an opportunity to make their voices heard by the ignorant masses. To create a democratic government, ‘elections’ are held, and the citizenry choose upstanding, sober members of their communities to make laws and regulations and shopping and car park complexes on their behalf.

Tricky Fellow, Johnny Politics – Chuck Writes Again

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jul 022010

By Dave Watt

Hello Subjects,

Although a lot of people wouldn’t think so, old Johnny Politics gets a fair run out at Buck House, Balmoral and Windsor. Actually, far from the popular conception of our being the ultimate establishment figures the whole family is full of lefties of one kind or another and, of course, we’re all republicans. Needless to say this is not generally known and we’ve had to do some pretty convincing handsprings in the past to keep it quiet.

Reflections on a Turf War ( Doric Poem )

Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jul 022010

Eence, oor prood forefaithers
Raised their kilts on the battlefield
Defendin’ oor land fae thievin’ hands
Wi’ a big sword an’ a shield
A tradition upheld yet tae this day
In the Shire and Aiberdeen
Yet the Cooncil’s swapped the Claymore
For a tub o’ Vaseline.

What Would You Do With £50m?

Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jun 242010

Here is a list of ten better uses for the 50 million quid. Please let me know what you think or if any amendments should be made or whatever. I’ve got an artist drawing a few of them up for added funniness!!

1. Buy enough rocket fuel to send a certain executive board into deep space and, if that is not enough money, raise business rates to pay for the rest!

2. Give £1000 to each household in Aberdeen so we can all party our way out of recession.

3. Invest in research to resurrect Scotty from Star Trek back from the dead and get him to beam undesirable councillors up! Would make a change from beams of sunlight supposedly shining out of their backsides!

4. Pay for the new Aberdeen Football Club stadium and use the change to pay Cristiano Ronaldo to play the second half against Rangers.

5. Spend it on a fleet of tanks with huge water cannons loaded with vast quantities of quick setting soundproofing foam to spray on vehicles pumping out excessively load boomf-boomf music.

6. Add an extra 50p to the budget and pay for the Lord Provost’s winter clothes collection!

7. Build a time machine on the cheap and go back to the 1800’s where we could pay for 1000 city squares with the leftover cash!

8. Buy every person in Aberdeen with a disability a new souped-up electric wheelchair, decked out with performance tyres, race car seats and leather trim as an apology for closing down day-centres!

9. Demolish the Bon Accord centre and replace it with a huge fountain flanked by gold statues of Willie Miller, Joe Harper, Denis Law, Jim Leighton and Alex Ferguson, each mounted on a giant rowie held in the beak of an even bigger seagull! An artist’s impression would be good. Maybe we should put aside £25m for the consultation, and run a design contest?

10. And finally…Pay for a tenth of the CSP shambles!

…. So what do you think? Do you have a better ( or sillier ) way to spend £50? Write to us with your ideas

Article by Ross Cunningham

Illustrations by Anita Inverarity

Union Terrace Gardens – Big Chuck writes for you

Satire and Humour No Responses »

Jun 242010

Hello Subjects

Here is one putting pen to paper on your behalf once again. Well, what a to-do about the Union Terrace Gardens, eh? One simply couldn’t believe that even a jumped-up, nouveau-riche oik like the odious Wood would try to desecrate the centre of the Granite City with his ridiculous vanity project.

That was bad enough but when we heard that crowd of bludgers in the city council had actually passed it! Well, I’ve haven’t seen Mumsy so peed off since that dreadful Thatcher woman came on a visit and Ma found her in the guest bedroom trying on her crown. The flat-heeled sensible Clarks Ladies shoes were flying that day, I can tell you. As the visiting Australian Cultural Attache aptly remarked at the time , “Yer ma’s farting sparks today, son”.

Anyway, back to the day of the council vote. Obviously, the family’s first response was to get tooled up with polo mallets, climb into the Range Rover then zip into town and give the spineless curs a good seeing-to while Mumsy, (having what the family calls ‘One of Her Little Pol Pot Moments’) was all for having the little bastards shot for treason.

Unfortunately, when we got to the garage, accompanied by the corgis, who are always up for a ruck, we discovered that Dad had taken the Range Rover and left it at the airport on his way to the demos in Greece. So instead of being available for us it was sitting at Aberdeen Airport clocking up parking fees like nobody’s business. There’s your typical bloody anarchist for you – never around when you need them.

Newer Entries