Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 14

 Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Community, Creative Writing, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 262010
 

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

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Get Well Soon

To the 126 Aberdeenshire and 169 Aberdeen City Council employees who are either sick or suspended with pay.  Perhaps there is some serious illness doing the rounds in Grampian?

The Telegraph has produced an interactive map showing Council expenditures and expenses throughout the UK; the number of our city and shire’s absentees on the payroll is many times higher than the number to be found anywhere else in Scotland.  In fact, the Bureau of Investigative Journalism reports Aberdeen City Council is 4th in the whole of the UK for number of staff on long-term sick – with the Shire’s council hot on its heels at No. 6. But when it comes to the average number of sick days lost per year per person, no other council in the country can hold a candle to Aberdeen:  15.5 days each year are lost on average for every one of the council’s employees. The Council makes me feel ill; looks like I’m not alone in that.

Journalism : The free press has been called the ‘Fourth Estate’, referring to its ideal function which is acting as an unofficial fourth branch of government, providing balance and information to ensure freedom of ideas, and thereby keeping a check on government and fostering democracy.  A free, non-biased press should provide information for its readers to digest so they can reach their own conclusions.

No less a figure than outgoing Editor Derek Tucker of the Press & Journal recently addressed the ‘Society of Editors’; he complained that journalism courses are not producing the right calibrate of journalists.  Tucker said “… very few [of the journalism graduates] possess the street cunning and inquisitiveness that is the hallmark of good journalists and it often appears that English is a second language.”

Old Susannah wonders what would make for a bad newspaper.  Would it be headlines created from extremely bad, old-fashioned puns?  Gigantic photos camouflaging the lack of journalistic content?  Deliberately biased stories favouring the plans of the paper’s larger advertisers?  Elevation of minor local news stories above more important world events?  Misleading headlines and stories – perhaps (just as an example) painting opponents of City and Shire council plans (like the destruction of UTG) as being organised, ignorant trouble-makers?  Deliberate lack of investigative journalism focus on powerful local figures and institutions?  Printing stories a day or two after they appeared on the BBC website?  Elevating mediocre stories of minor sporting events to gigantic epics to fill space?  Lack of spelling and grammatical know-how?

Thankfully, we have had Mr Tucker to save us from such appalling stuff.  It is also most unkind that Derek Tucker has been given an unflattering nickname in the ‘Cockney rhyming style’.  Obviously he has studiously encouraged ‘street cunning and inquisitiveness’ at the P&J, by ensuring corruption in public and private sectors is uncovered, and by printing such a wide range of opinion and thought in the editorial section.

We wish “Miserable F…” – I mean Derek Tucker – a happy retirement.

There is nothing natural about the City’s attitude to the natural landscape

Landscapes : In my last column, I wrote about a green, leafy landscape painting of Union Terrace Gardens I’d seen.  Aberdeen City Council, too, appreciates landscapes; in its ‘Planning and Sustainable  Development’ web page it gives the nod to how very important landscapes are.

Believe it or not, landscapes are what we put buildings in. If that is not clear, they have put a picture of a tree in a wide expanse of green field on the web page to illustrate the point – although finding a sole tree in a huge field would be a hard task in this town.

While our City Planners admit on their web page that landscapes ‘..provide the settings of towns and cities and make an important contribution to environmental quality and a sense of place’, they certainly don’t want developers to think the landscape should have to stay as it is.  There is nothing natural about the City’s attitude to the natural landscape – anyone (like Mr Milne) can develop almost anything as long as once they destroy the existing natural landscape and wildlife habitats, they make some new landscape in place of the old.  As the planners put it,

“… when applying for planning permission for a new development, a landscape scheme for the external spaces around buildings will often need to accompany proposals”.

It is this policy which will allow Mr Milne to destroy Loirston Loch’s natural habitats and beauty – all he needs is a scheme to plant a shrub and have some kind of landscape at some future point.  And fair enough – when we are in the community stadium listening to Status Quo or finding out who can do the broad jump further than the next guy, we won’t care what used to be there.  The last remnants of wildlife which depend on Loirston as a stopping point to rest, feed and drink will just go to one of the many other lochs and green fields we’ve got, even if the closest is miles away – the extra exercise will probably do the animals good.  For far too long the developers have had to jump through hoops to get permission for their schemes (permission which they were always going to get in the first place).  Something had to be done to speed things up, and it has…

It is official then – no more boring old-fashioned people interested in the environment, old buildings, history, etc

Modernisation of Planning Process : Scotland, the Shire and the City have been too demanding in the past of the kindly souls who want to turn our fields into housing estates, community stadiums and shopping malls for our benefit.  Thankfully, the process for planning is being modernised.  To modernise means to update a scheme, law, or way of doing things to bring it in line with how it would have been done in the 1960s.  No more ‘unnecessary’ consultations with Community Councils – as Cove and Nigg Community Councils can attest to.  In fact, Aberdeen now boasts that

“…we only consult where necessary with the agencies – SNH, SEPA, Transport Scotland, Historic Scotland, …”

It is official then – no more boring old-fashioned people interested in the environment, old buildings, history, etc. will be engaged unless absolutely necessary.  Build what you want.  SEPA is clearly on board with this thinking already – it had a chance to make an evaluation on the planned ‘community’ stadium’ – and came up with three relatively minor objections relating to drainage and the like.  Maybe they think the concrete and parking spaces will help protect the environment. Maybe SEPA is due for a re-naming and re-branding exercise – getting rid of the quaint references to ‘Environment’ and ‘Protection’ would be a good start.

Royal Wedding Deception

 Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 262010
 

A poem by Rapunzel Wizard, a locally based performance poet who is 96% human and 4% woolly mam­moth, and refuses to get a proper job or a haircut.

Rapunzel Wizard
I’m dreading the royal wedding
As it’s doing my head in
Forget Kate, it’s Cameron
Who’s really in love with William
For his timing in popping the question

What a smart way to bury the cuts
As the mindless media goes off its nut

News on the date, news on the venue
News on the dress, and reception menu
News in nauseating detail
including the design for the commemorative tea-towel

Don’t matter about mangled public services
When you can watch a parade of horse drawn carriages

And I don’t see why taxpayers should contribute any
For my wedding William didn’t give me a penny

All you’ll get out of this is a day off work
… If you’ve still got a job by then…

Arise An Be Revoltin

 Aberdeen City, Aberdeenshire, Creative Writing, Environment, Opinion  No Responses »
Nov 192010
 

By Bob Smith.

arise2
Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 It’s time ti be revoltin
 Agin the destruction o oor city
 Yer brains they need a-joltin

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 Show yer nae Widdie’s flunkies
 This mannie treats us wi disdain
 As tho’ we’re bliddy donkeys

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 An ask Sir Ian faar wis he
 Fin the ship building an the fishin
 They war jist allowed ti dee

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 We’re bein selt doon the river
 Eence an SPV gets oor gairdens
 They’ll aa be lost firivver

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 It’s time ti show yer mettle
 Oppose the biggin ower UTG
 Bring it back inti fine fettle

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 Afore it’s ower damn’t late
 An aa oor sheepish cooncillors
 Hand it awa upon a plate

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 Are ye lions or a wee moose
 Stan up for aa oor heritage
 Afore the diggers are let loose

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 Man the wa’s an the city gate
 Afore ye ken faar we are
 We‘ll hae become Trumpton State

Arise gweed fowk o Aiberdeen
 Tak heid o aa these verses
 An gie a skelp ti cooncillors lugs
 Or kick them up their erses

© Bob Smith”The Poetry Mannie” 2010

BT KGB – Internet Secrets Unrevealed

 Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 192010
 

By George Anderson.

pchammer
I just wanted my service provider to restore my broadband and telephone — after all that’s what I was paying for.

During the Cold War, the KGB was known for telling those they abducted not to worry, that everything would turn out fine. Over the last five weeks I have discovered that good old British Telecom has adopted this technique for its victims/customers too.

During this time I have been repeatedly told by BT and their agents across the planet that all would be well. On one rare occasion when inter-human contact actually took place, I was told by the service agent that whatever I did, worrying would be superfluous, because he would single-handedly take total responsibility for fixing the problem and would rather sell his children to the gypsies than fail in his mission.  I hope he got a good price.

To date, lines have been tested and re-tested. A new hub was sent. It still doesn’t work. I have reset the device so many times I have calluses on my thumb. I have seen promises made. I have seen promises broken. The one thing I haven’t seen is a telecoms engineer. I am beginning to doubt their existence.

But, as a glass-half-full sort of fellow, I need to view these problems positively. The flashing error lights on the broadband hub will make an interesting festive decoration at Christmas.  And I have taken to leaving a couple of Jaffa Cake shavings and a thimble of rose water on the patio of an evening, in the hope that the broadband fairy will drop by with her magic spanner and fix the problem once and for all.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary – No. 13

 Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 192010
 

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

dictionary
Aesthetics : The Northern Hotel in Aberdeen has a cheerful, charming, lively painting for sale by an artist named Robin Green.  It is of something called Union Terrace Gardens.  Old Susannah knows a thing or two about painting, and knows this artist must have taken a good deal of time and effort over this bright, leafy scene.  The nice folks at ASCEF will be doing Robin a favour by turning Union Terrace Gardens into a slab of concrete – Robin won’t need nearly as many colours for any future paintings of the area, and painting a grey square will certainly be a much quicker, easier task.

Next time you’re in the Northern, have a look for this painting.  It might be of use to historians some time in the not-too-distant future if they want to know what a landscape looked like.

Redundancy : One definition of redundancy is to lose your job; redundancy also means unnecessary repetition.  In terms of jobs, 900 Aberdeen City Council employees apparently face unemployment.  Old Susannah hopes that everyone will be OK, and that none of the core services (like change management) will be affected; she is just surprised that the Council didn’t wait until Christmas Eve to make the announcement  for dramatic effect.  It should also be noted that in the past, Council employees were told in so many words not to join protests, write letters in support of schools and services to the press, and not to sign petitions:  if they did, then their jobs might be at risk.

There will now be 900 people free from the Council’s helpful, caring guidance as to what to think, write and say.  Let’s just hope none of these 900 will do or say anything to criticise the City, or talk about what goes on in those hallowed halls.   Thankfully, there is little left to save anyway, so there won’t be much in the way of protest or petition left to do.  Guess it’s all working out for the best.  As mentioned in an earlier column, it’s extremely useful we have an expensive Change Management team – it looks as if there will be changes.  Some years ago, Old Susannah learnt that the Council had over 725 people in jobs earning more than £35,000 per year.  If you are interested, 725 times £35,000 minimum salary is a minimum of £25,375,000.  That was the result of a Freedom of Information request – no wonder Councillor Kev Stewart thinks such requests can be ‘absurd’ Yes, ‘value for money’ remains key.

In terms of unnecessary repetition, I am absolutely certain that there are no job overlaps, no unnecessary job positions or tasks within our streamlined, business-like Council.

the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that

It’s not as if there are endless numbers of committees, pointless meetings, unnecessary reports, or  expensive brochures published which no one wants or reads.  However, if anyone knows of anything redundant within our Council, please do get in touch.

Corporatarchy : New words spring into life all the time; and a new word according to Miriam Webster is corporatarchy.  This is a noun meaning “government according to corporate interests”.  It’s about time governments started taking notice of business interests; once that happens, we will have economic prosperity for all.  Clearly Aberdeen City Council could go a lot further to help its local businessmen.  Thankfully, it has found at least one helpful way to do  so:  it wants to set up a company to look after its assets.

The hundreds of highly-paid professionals within the Council (see above) are struggling as it is to travel and hold meetings; it is unfair to expect them to look after the City’s assets.  I am sure that corporate control by an outside agency will only benefit the remaining parks, museums, etc. that we the taxpayers of the City own.  After all, the City was forward-thinking enough to set up and fund ASCEF, and look at all the good that’s come of that.

Hairpiece : Toupee or not toupee – that is the question when you look at a powerful man with a full, virile head of hair.  Is it his own?  Is it a weave, a wig, a rug (literally), roadkill or a genetic mutation?  Old Susannah’s spies tell of a powerful local who is vain to the point of owning two hairpieces – one short, and one slightly shaggy.  He would wear the former for a week or two, switch to the longer one, and tell friends and staff he needed a haircut.  Then, out came the shorter wig again.  Old Susannah can’t believe anyone would be that vain, and would ask people not to tell such tall, incredible tales any longer.

The Forty Poun’ Froonyal

 Articles, Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 122010
 

By George Anderson.

In these post credit crunch-times, with predicted belt-tightening likely to bring tears to a glass eye, I wonder whether there might be resurgence of the cheap funerals (known in the patois of the north-east of Scotland as ‘froonyals’) of my youth.  A good illustration would be the froonyal of my uncle Chunty in 1968:

gravepic
Chunty’s family huddle together in the front pew. This is due more to a failure of the chapel radiators than anything related to a group hug. The pews behind the immediate family creak under the combined weight of people to whom Chunty is related through drink. The organist battles his way through a double time version of ‘Abide With Me’.

This has been written specially for low cost funerals by the Reverend Melrose Nochty himself.

Melrose strides in to the chapel and ascends to the pulpit two steps at a time. At the summit, he signals the organist, Mr Leiper, to pack it in—sharpish like, by throwing a hymn book at his head. Melrose starts talking before the final strangled blasts of air struggle out of the organ pipes.

‘Up ye get,’ he says, and lifts his palms toward the rafters. The congregation scramble to their feet.  ‘Dearly beloved, et cetera, et cetera, and et cetera … Matthew, Mark, Luke and John … pearls before swine … Sit doon.’

He fishes an alarm clock out of the dark recesses of his ministerial garments, winds it up, and slams it down on the edge of the pulpit. The congregation sit down.

Melrose is talking faster than an auctioneer at a cattle station in Woolawonga. “Stand up! The Lord may well be my Shepherd, but let’s face it”, he waves a hand toward a plywood casket , “judging by Chunty’s pitiful record of church attendance, it’ll be easier for the Turra Coo to pass through the centre o’ a doughring than for Chunty tae enter the Kindom o’ Heaven.

A thundercloud of Old Testament wrath passes across the Reverend Nochty’s scowling face

Now, sit doon, sit doon for God’s sake. I haven’t got all day.”

From his lofty perch Melrose looks down at the organist’s toupee.

‘Mr Leiper will now play an ex-tremely short extract from the twenty-third Psalm.’ Mr Leiper’s fingers scurry over the keys like mice fleeing a burning barn. Eight bars in, Melrose again signals Mr Leiper to cease and desist, this time by repeatedly banging a hymn book on the edge of the pulpit and shouting ‘All right, that’ll do, this isn’t an organ recital, Mr Leiper.’

Melrose clasps his hands before him and closes his eyes. “Jonah in the belly of the whale…Sermon on the mount… Feeding o the twa thoosan”—’ a voice from the back of the chapel, interrupts.

“Is it nae five thoosan’, minister? The feedin o the five thoosan’?”

A thundercloud of Old Testament wrath passes across the Reverend Nochty’s scowling face. He speaks. “Listen pal, you shouldnae’ even be here. Now sit doon.”

“I am sittin doon!”’

“Well, stand up and then sit doon.”

He pauses, grips the edges of the lectern and looks at the congregation with a measure of contempt normally reserved for the criminally insane. His voice drops an octave. “There’ll be weepin”,’ he says “and there’ll be a fair skelp o wailin’ intae the bargain.” He stabs a finger in the vague direction of the front pews. “An’ by Christ, teeth’ll be gnashed ‘n’ aa! Stand up, sit doon, and pey attention”.

Now it is the widow’s turn to interrupt.  “Will ye be much langer?’ she asks. ‘Only, there’s a steen’ cold cert rinnin’ in the three thirty at Perth and the nearest bookie’s fower miles awa.”

Melrose gives her the vees and gathers from the alarm clock that it is time to wind up the service. “Get up and start prayin, real fast”, he says. He lowers his head fast enough to get whiplash. “Oh Lord, please tak’ Chunty tae yer bosom. In yer own hivvenly time, of course, but seener rather than later, if ye dinna mind. I’ve anither three o these to get through afore lowsin’ time.”

He raises his arms and clears his throat. “Ashes tae ashes, stew tae stew, Chunty’s awa, and so are you”, Melrose’s alarm clock goes off, forcing him to raise his voice. ‘Sit doon, stand up, and shove right off.” The congregation do not have to be told twice; there is a stampede through the chapel doors reminiscent of the opening thirty seconds of a Next sale.

Old Susannah’s Dictionary No.12 – Budget Special.

 Articles, Creative Writing, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 122010
 

Voice’s Old Susannah tackles more tricky terms with a locally topical taste.

dictionary

Surfboard, Boogieboard, Waterboard.
All just harmless fun really.  No less a person than the former US President, George ‘Dubya’ Bush has explained in his new book that without waterboarding (which really isn’t so bad apparently – it can’t kill you – usually), lives would have been lost*.  Sometimes little things like the Geneva Convention, the Bill of Rights, the EU Convention, etc. have to be put to one side.  A little torture can be a good thing; and after all, there is a long history supporting its use.

If we hadn’t tortured people in the past, how would we have know for certain that witches flew on broomsticks to meet Satan at black masses, ruined crops and turned people into newts?  After just a little torture, thousands confessed to the truth of devil worship.  Of course whether or not torture is OK all depends on who is doing the torture:  Western torturers good; Eastern ones bad.  Glad to have cleared that up.  Two mysteries remain:  How come no one cracked under (judicious and necessary) torture and said where all those Weapons of Mass Destruction were hidden?  Secondly, I’d love to find out how Dubya, who from most accounts can barely read, managed to write a book.  This is the man who complained in a speech that more and more of America’s imports were coming from abroad.

*I wonder how else lives could have been saved in this situation.  Give the UK troops equipment that worked and matched the conditions?  Not go to war in the first place?  No, can’t think of a thing but torture.

Brief maths quiz:
If you start with a deficit of 52 million pounds, then fail to collect over £15 million owed to you, then start a project for £80 million pounds and contemplate a £140 million pound car park, don’t pay staff correctly by £X million, and announce you want to go into the concert business by buying an exhibition centre which you’ve already spent a minimun of £36 million on,  while cutting millions formerly used to support vulnerable, schools and parks then what is the result?  The answer, according to a recent Aberdeen City Council is a £9 million pound surplus.  That is according to outgoing Sue Bruce in a recent ACC press release.

Press Release.
A press release is a piece of writing sent to newspapers and television, used to call attention to what a wonderful job you are doing.  Press Releases are sent in the hope that the media will run your story.  Of course accuracy in Press releases is managed by seasoned professionals who take great care to get the facts correct.

The Aberdeen City Council writes press releases religiously – and quite rightly so, with the calibre of their accomplishments.  Sadly, the Press and Journal printed (per standard practice) one of the City’s  releases which concerned the amount of unpaid council tax.  There was a City press release which claimed around £43 million was unclaimed and that one in three households had to be taken to court over unpaid council tax.

The P&J printed these figures, relying on the accuracy of the press release.  Naturally, this was a mistake.  The higher-ups in the Council read the figures in the news, went ballistic, and went into action.  Instead of issuing a new press release stating their mistake, they decided to publicly blame the P&J for getting its sums wrong.  This resulted in an editorial by the P&J accusing the Council of being less than generous with the truth.  It ended with words along the lines of “… we (the P&J) will accept the blame for our mistakes – Brazen attempts to shift the blame (by the City) we can’t.”  Thankfully, it is only about £30 million that the City is owed in Council tax.  Easy to misplace the odd £14 million or so; Old Susannah does it all the time.  But then again, expect this figure to change in a day or two.

Budget Cuts.
Even though we are rich, everyone needs budget cuts.   A budget cut is what you to to preserve what is essential, or in Council-speak, what is a ‘core service’.  Core services include running concerts at a loss, making Olympic swimmers, and taking trips.

We all have to budget – how many tens of thousands of pounds do you spend on outfits to wear to important events per year, how much to spend on travel, how much to spend on propping up white elephants (like the AECC).  In order to meet our budgets, hard choices must be made.  Do you cut grandma’s care support?  Junior’s school?  Close the backyard swimming pool?  Stop giving to the poor?  Stop feeding the birds?  Of course you do.  And our Council budgets wisely as well.

You will be very happy to hear that Sue Bruce announced a £9 million surplus.  No doubt this money will be earmarked for the vitally- important Olympic pool:  what could be more important than Aberdeen winning an Olympic medal for swimming ?  – which seems an absolute certainty.  Millions will be saved by closing all the regional swimming pools (particularly the ones which have recently beeen refurbished).  One giant Olympic pool is all you and the family need.  You’ll also get your exercise just by getting to it – now that the bus fares have risen above inflation rates.

But don’t expect to exercise in the parks any longer – they are getting the axe – possibly literally.  All that money spent in the past on blue skies, green grass, clean air, biodiversity, play areas has been done away with.  If the parks can’t make money as they are, the sooner they are turned into something profitable the better.

We will not, however face the loss of a single pounds worth of our real estate portfolio, which we cherish and which is the envy of the civilised world.  All those boarded up buildings are safe.  Rest easy.

Thankfully there is money towards a regional ‘super prison’ – presumably for those who can’t – or won’t pay their council tax.  The level of tax has been frozen for a few years – so have many people’s salaries.  However, our services such as police, libraries, teachers, services for people with special needs and the elderly have halved.  I wonder if we should all apply for a refund, as we’re not getting one half of what we   paid for to start with.  Just a thought.

At least at the end of it, we have preserved Marischal College.  Since its entire interior has been scrapped (including books seen thrown into skips), our brand of ‘preservation’ is akin to the preservation of the taxidermist.

Next week:

No mention of the 9-0 Celtic/Aberdeen Result – that would be unkind.  Some people believe the management (S Milne, proprietor) is not investing in the club sufficiently.  However, once we have a football/community stadium twice the size of the present AFC home, the crowds will fill it up completely, and the club’s morale will be so boosted it wins lots of silverware.

Tae A Lassie (Wi’oot A Coat)

 Articles, Creative Writing, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 122010
 

By Tom Shepherd.

athootacoat
Wee drookit, soaking, rained on lassie
 Fit wye d’yae nae tak yer coat wi ye?
 Yer soakit tae yer skin an’cauld
 An’ affae sniffly.
 Yer dolled up fine fer clubbin’, aye
 But worse off now.

Doun Union Street an’ Windmill Brae
 Ye totter wi’ a partial sway.
 Aw glammed up fae a grand night oot
 Wi’ pals an’ fellers.
 But wind an’ rain or hail an’ snow
 Aren’t strangers tae us.

Ah’d feel sae sorry for you freezin’
 But you can’t feel it ‘cos yer bleezin’.
 The morn you’ll nae doubt wake up sneezin’
 Wi’ a hangover.
 Oh, to be young an’ hack the weather
 With nae jersey!

A Fairy Story Or Horror Story?

 Articles, Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Nov 122010
 

monoperdeen-pic
A Fairy Story Or Horror Story? ….. By Bob Smith.

Warner Bros. brocht us “Looney Tunes”xx.i sx.xi.x Congestion chargin’ in the centre o toon
Cooncil offices produce some goony loonsxs .x.xi.x Noo  wid iss be seen as a boon?
Aa  iss blether aboot cuts an savinsxxxxxxxxxsxix Will it get fowk oot their cars?
Is the product o some madhoose ravinsxxxxxxxxx Mair chunce o aliens bein on Mars

They micht hae ti close oor parksxxxxxssxxxsxxxx Postponin  buildin’ o the toon’s bypass
Nae mair gairdeners in sweaty sarksxxxxsxxxxixxx Iss micht be seen as a touch o class
The Winter Gairdens will be nae mairxxxxxxxfxixxx Bit spare a thocht for staff at Foresterhill
It’s aneuch ti mak ye pull yer hairxxxxxxfxxxsxxxx Iss idea wid mak a lot o fowk ill

Johnston Gairdens, a maist peacefu’ havenxxxisfxx Mergin’ the offices o City an Shire
Jist ti be seen by dyeuks an odd ravenxxxxxxiixfxx Wid raise some cooncil billies ire
Maybe aa the parks  wid  be infilledxxxxxxxxxixfxxsIt wid o coorse save rinnin’ costs
Will Stewartie Milne then start ti build?xxxixxxxfxxxBit a pucklie fowk wid lose their posts

Aul’ bodies will be  in a tizzyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxiixx Ae benefit o merger we micht  see
In fact they’ll aa be bliddy dizzyxxxxxxxxxiiixxiixxx Fae some looney cooncillors we wid be free
At the thocht o gettin’ less carexxxxxxxxxxxxxixx Bit if jist daft ideas is aa wi’ve got
Faa  ivver thocht iss wid be fairxxxx xxxxxxixxxxx Then the haill damn’t lot hiv lost the plot

Marischal College  nae doot protectedxxxxxxxxxxx ©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2010
A bit o “sellie first” is  bein’ detectedxxxxxxx
Aa aat money for new office gearxxxxxxx
Jist wait till I hae a wee bit sweirxxxxxxx

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