Westboro Baptist Church To Open A Branch In Aberdeen?

 Aberdeen City, Articles, Community, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Aug 122011
 

An unconfirmed rumour that the controversial Westboro Baptist Church  is about to open a church in Aberdeen came to the fore this week, when an alleged biography of the incoming WBC minister was discovered by your intrepid reporter Dave Watt.

walmartina
The elders at Westboro HQ (obviously taking seriously US televangelist Pat Robertson’s claim that Scotland “is a dark land overrun by homosexuals”) have apparently decided not to risk their incumbent being attacked and sodomised by the gangs of gay rapists that infest the Granite City – and have agreed to send one of the wimmenfolk instead.
www.godhatesfags.com/index.html  

Biography of the new WBC Minister to Aberdeen

The Reverend Walmartina Navratilova ( pictured ) was born in Westboro County in June 1982, to Jim-Bob and Loribelle Navratilova (nee Pork). Her rather unusual Christian name was chosen in celebration of the location of her conception back at Thanksgiving in Walmart the previous year. This was the result of a romantic moment when Loribelle was in the store checking out the Grilled Racoon Special – and Jim-Bob was in having his banjo re-strung.

All went well in the Navratilova shack for several years, with the doting parents basking in the reflected glory of their eldest child being named for one of the US’s top female tennis players. However, in 1988, during one of the Sunday readings of the National Enquirer to the congregation by Pastor Jack Perspex, the unfortunate couple discovered that not only had their daughter’s role model been brought up a ‘godless red commie’ but was, in the Pastor’s own inimitable words, ‘a self confessed rug muncher and crack snacking dyke of the most insatiable kind’.

Although the couple were initially devastated by this revelation – and even Jim-Bob’s coon hound, Skeeter, was ostracised at the local Canine Obedience School – they gradually came to accept the situation. Following a long discussion with the Rev. Perspex, they decided to wait to see how things developed, and keep a close eye on the young Walmartina during puberty for any outward signs of a tendency towards lesbianism, communism, and even worse, tennis.

Fortunately for Jim-Bob and Loribelle’s peace of mind, the youthful Walmartina developed a 225 tenpin bowling average, became the county’s first Junior Imperial Wizardess in the Ku Klux Klan, and has presented the Navratilovas with a grandchild each year since her fourteenth birthday (some of them even to fathers outwith her own family).

Adulthood presented its own problems to Walmartina, when the Roadkill Canning factory at which she worked closed down. She spent several years on Welfare with her steadily increasing brood, until one day she found an advert in the local newspaper for Genuine Degrees in Theology for $50 and, amidst the rolls of baling wire and rusting station wagons, she found God in her hour of need.

Since then, Walmartina has travelled the length and breadth of the US Midwest preaching that the love of God is universal except for fags, commies and anyone with a three-figure IQ. She is looking forward to the challenge of bringing God to the backward heathens of Aberdeen, and has stated that her wayside pulpit message shall be :

“Repent Now, Scotch Limeys – or Burn In Hell!”

Scotland’s National Anthem

 Articles, Community, Information, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
May 272011
 

News that our great nation is urgently in need of a national anthem has struck a chord  amongst the staff and assorted literary aficionados at Aberdeen Voice, with many perceptive and pertinent suggestions put forward to replace our present national dirge. Dave Watt chairs the adjudication panel

Charlie Abel of Iron Broo www.ironbroo.co.uk
Suggestions have varied from such musical phenomena as Hoots Mon, There’s a Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose by Lord Rockingham’s XI to Tang Dynasty’s heavy rock version of The Internationale.

The suggestion that the country might be represented by Frank Zappa’s Brown Shoes Don’t Make It, which contains the stirring lines –

I’d like to make her do a nasty
On the White House lawn,
Smother my daughter in chocolate syrup
And boogie ’till the cows come home

– was probably a bridge too far, as well as not being likely to do very much for international relations. Mind you, hearing 60,000 people singing it at Hampden would be quite a mind-bending experience.

An alternative Corries’ song, Scotland Will Flourish, looks to be a good front runner with First Minister Eck quoting from it in a couple of his speeches lately. At least it’s a bit livelier than the dirge-like Flower of Scotland, which I suspect will be another contender.

Another possibility is Hamish Henderson’s 1960 song, Freedom Come All Ye, which is quite a nice tune but is done in such broad Scots as to be almost unintelligible. That is to say, despite having been born here and living in the bloody place for over half a century, there are still words in it I need subtitles for.

A definite non-front runner is the even-more-dirge-like-than-Flower of Scotland, God Save The Queen which apparently is still the official anthem. God Save The Queen was originally German – a bit like the Royal family really – the tune being sung as the Prussian Heil Dir Im Seigerkranz until the catchy present Jock-bashing version was rush-released on the Cumberland label after Culloden.

It was played before Scottish rugby matches until the mid-seventies and, football-wise, some grovelling gong hunters at the SFA kept it going until the eighties, despite the crescendo of booing at Hampden reaching ear-splitting proportions. Its last materialisation was possibly before Scotland’s 3-1 humping by Argentina at Hampden in June 1979. Its only competitor in the unpopularity stakes I can remember was in Edinburgh during the height of the anti-Poll Tax campaign when a visiting orchestra at the Festival thought they would please their hosts by a spirited rendition of Land of Hope and Glory. By the time Sandra and I left, chairs were being thrown on the stage.

The final front runner, Scotland the Brave – words by Cliff Hanley – replaced God Save The Queen in time for the World Cup Finals in 1982, despite some heavy duty mumping by Thatcher and the Daily Mail who referred to our dumping it as ‘an insult to the monarchy’ -obviously unaware that the whole notion of monarchy is an insult to human intelligence.