An unconfirmed rumour that the controversial Westboro Baptist Church is about to open a church in Aberdeen came to the fore this week, when an alleged biography of the incoming WBC minister was discovered by your intrepid reporter Dave Watt.
The elders at Westboro HQ (obviously taking seriously US televangelist Pat Robertson’s claim that Scotland “is a dark land overrun by homosexuals”) have apparently decided not to risk their incumbent being attacked and sodomised by the gangs of gay rapists that infest the Granite City – and have agreed to send one of the wimmenfolk instead.
Biography of the new WBC Minister to Aberdeen
The Reverend Walmartina Navratilova ( pictured ) was born in Westboro County in June 1982, to Jim-Bob and Loribelle Navratilova (nee Pork). Her rather unusual Christian name was chosen in celebration of the location of her conception back at Thanksgiving in Walmart the previous year. This was the result of a romantic moment when Loribelle was in the store checking out the Grilled Racoon Special – and Jim-Bob was in having his banjo re-strung.
All went well in the Navratilova shack for several years, with the doting parents basking in the reflected glory of their eldest child being named for one of the US’s top female tennis players. However, in 1988, during one of the Sunday readings of the National Enquirer to the congregation by Pastor Jack Perspex, the unfortunate couple discovered that not only had their daughter’s role model been brought up a ‘godless red commie’ but was, in the Pastor’s own inimitable words, ‘a self confessed rug muncher and crack snacking dyke of the most insatiable kind’.
Although the couple were initially devastated by this revelation – and even Jim-Bob’s coon hound, Skeeter, was ostracised at the local Canine Obedience School – they gradually came to accept the situation. Following a long discussion with the Rev. Perspex, they decided to wait to see how things developed, and keep a close eye on the young Walmartina during puberty for any outward signs of a tendency towards lesbianism, communism, and even worse, tennis.
Fortunately for Jim-Bob and Loribelle’s peace of mind, the youthful Walmartina developed a 225 tenpin bowling average, became the county’s first Junior Imperial Wizardess in the Ku Klux Klan, and has presented the Navratilovas with a grandchild each year since her fourteenth birthday (some of them even to fathers outwith her own family).
Adulthood presented its own problems to Walmartina, when the Roadkill Canning factory at which she worked closed down. She spent several years on Welfare with her steadily increasing brood, until one day she found an advert in the local newspaper for Genuine Degrees in Theology for $50 and, amidst the rolls of baling wire and rusting station wagons, she found God in her hour of need.
Since then, Walmartina has travelled the length and breadth of the US Midwest preaching that the love of God is universal except for fags, commies and anyone with a three-figure IQ. She is looking forward to the challenge of bringing God to the backward heathens of Aberdeen, and has stated that her wayside pulpit message shall be :
“Repent Now, Scotch Limeys – or Burn In Hell!”