Apr 182013
 

By Bob Smith.

A wis brocht up tae believe gweed menners wis a necessary social skill.

Onybody faa displayed ony kine o bad menners wis leukit on as a social pariah. Ye war learn’t bi yer mither an faither an teachers aboot sic things so a ayewis thocht fowk faa war lackin in the skills o gweed menners hidna bin brocht up richt. Nooadays a think it still is a bittie doon tae parents bit it’s  maybe a society thingie as weel.

There are still a lot o weel mennered fowk gyaan aboot bit the increase in ill-mennered cyaards is een o society’s curses

Noo yer hardly likely tae mak a gweed impression if yer rude an abrasive,an ye see plenty o iss type o cairry on in TV programmes. Fer instance TV an radio interviewers askin somebody a question an then interruptin afore the bodie bein askit the question feenishes answerin. TV soaps faar scraichin, bawlin an insultin fowk wid appear tae be the norm.

Nae wunner fowk are becumin mair ill-mennered. We hear aboot fit they ca “road rage”. Iss is jist anither name fer bad menners fin ahint the wheel o a motor vehicle.  Stickin the finger up an yellin obscenities jist cos some craitur micht be huddin fowk up is mair an mair noticeable. Cairryin o a blether or haein their mobile switched on at the picters or the theatre is anither example o modern day ill-mennered tykes.

A’ll tak ye back aroon 50/60 ear ago tae a time fan gweed menners wis jist expectit o fowk.

Fin ye wis oot on a date wi a quine ye aye waakit on the street side o the pavement. Iss gings back ti the days fin gentlemen protectit their weemin fae the perils o the road an the gutter. A still git a richt glower fae the wife if a forget tae dee iss.

Ye aye held the doors open fer fowk faa war ahint ye tae waak throwe an ye aye got a thunk ye fer deein so. An ye sure as hell lessened the chunce o anither date if ye didna staun up an hud yer quine’s coat fer her tae pit oan if yer war oot fer a cup o coffee in a cafe or a restaurant (ye only took quines oot fer a meal if ye war “gyaan steady” cos wi wages bein fit they war back then, ye cwidna affoord tae dee iss verra afen).

Fin ye took a quine tae the picters ye aye pyed fer baith seats. A chiel wid hae bin black affrontit if the quine hid offered tae “gyang dutch”, an ye nivver refused a ladies’ choice at the duncin even if the quine wisna tae yer taste. It wid hae bin leukit on as bein the hicht o bad menners.

Iss applied tae baith sexes bit a quine cwid refuse tae dunce wi a chiel if he wis the warse fer weer wi booze.

Mannies an loons ayewis got up tae gie somebody o mair mature ‘ ears or the opposite sex a seat on the bus if it wis staanin room only. Sweirin in front o weemin wis a thing  ye verra rarely heard. Nooadays it’s maistly the weemin faa dee the sweirin.

As a said at the beginnin o aa iss there are still some fowk faa display gweed menners bit they’re gettin a bittie thinner on the grun.  A div like the followin quote “Treat fowk as ye wid like tae be treated. Karma’s only a bitch if you are”  TV an radio interviewers please tak note.

O aye, an espeecially you as weel Mr Trump.

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Jan 112013
 

In a new series of topical commentaries, Duncan Harley reflects on Life, the Universe and Everything. A sideways look at the world and its foibles.

Texting While Driving

I see from today’s news that more than a quarter of motorists admit to texting while driving.

An amazing feat in my view, although I do have a son who can simultaneously text, watch television and play with his cat.

In fact, now that he has left home, I suspect that he may have added playing with his girlfriend to the list, but at least he is currently a non- driver.

I used to wonder about the erratic behaviour of other drivers, though. Was the car approaching on the continental side of the road driven by a Frenchman, or a drunk, or was there perhaps a hidden passenger crouched down where they could not be seen, performing some distracting sexual favour or other?

I rule out drug addicts since I was advised by a policeman some years ago that the driver without the required daily fix may actually be more dangerous behind the wheel than the one with a full dose.

The risks of texting cannot be denied, though. Driver inattention is the leading cause of accidents, according to insurers, and I don’t doubt it for one minute. I suspect that as cars get safer and simpler to drive, there is a temptation to trust the airbags and seat belts to save life and limb in the event of an unexpected situation.

But of course that is a selfish viewpoint, since the person you unintentionally run down may be a child crossing the road.

Richard, Judy and Gerry.

I see that Richard and Judy are back in the papers, selling books which neither of them have written. There’s some sort of buy one, get one for a pound deal.

It reminds me of all those awful “Everything for a Pound” shops, with bendy garden trowels, loo roll you can stick your finger through and those loveable pink fluffy I-Phone covers.

What a month though!  I’ve had power cuts, some frost, and Gerry Anderson has left the planet. The flooded fields look quite pretty in the light from the local retail park.

Sales in the Sunset.

Many years ago these were the January Sales, but now we have the Desperation Sales.

Comet has of course crashed to earth but Halfords drives ever onward. These are the folk who told me to come back on a Saturday to have a bulb replaced, since they employ schoolchildren at weekends. They have small hands and are therefore much more adept at repairing cars.

Homebase is but a latter day Woolworths which seems quite lost and unsure what to sell. There’s also Argos: you can buy it and take it home, but you’re not allowed to see it first.

There’s also that strange shop with the intimidating picture of a policeman in the window, set against a pile of bog rolls and the slogan “bottom prices”. Home Bargains I think it’s called.

My local recycling centre has charted the relationship between the sales and the amount of stuff being chucked into skips. When the sales are on they put out extra skips.

On New Year’s Day, the Pound Shop was closed. I was reliably informed that they were planning a 50p sale the following morning.

My local outlet has around 60 tons of stock, most of which doesn’t really work or is completely pointless.

I forgot to go back, but am tempted to e-mail the local council suggesting that they set out skips outside Pound Shop next year so as to save folk a trip to the recycling centre.

The quality of light is nice just now, though. Thanks Gerry for the trip and thank you Richard. I really admire you for appearing on daytime TV with your mum.

Aug 212012
 

‘What lies beneath?’ is a question which should be asked about Union Terrace Gardens, not least by those who wish to build underground structures there.  Aside from the roots of 250-year-old trees and rich soil which helps prevent city centre flooding, we have the now underground Den Burn.  Jake Williams shares his thoughts.

The stairs of Rosemount Library in Aberdeen used to be lined with framed pictures, either photos or line drawings, of Aberdeen from bygone times.
The one that I remember was from sometime in the 1800s, showing Union Terrace Gardens before Union Terrace Gardens was there. It was a view looking north from the Union Street bridge, but there was no park, no theatre and no railway line.

Three decades later, the accuracy of my recollection isn’t guaranteed, but I remember looking at a row of cottages on the right where Belmont Street is now, and another row on the left where Union Terrace is now.

The houses all had long thin gardens with drying greens right down to the Den Burn, which flowed straight down the middle of the picture, and there was a hump-backed bridge and a few wee wooden bridges over the burn. Union Bridge was opened in 1805, and the railway was built about 1867, so the picture must have been drawn between these dates. The gardens were laid out about 1879 [I got the dates from Wikipedia].

The name of the Den Burn is perpetuated by the street and the health centre named after it, but the existence of the burn itself is nearly forgotten, having been underground for most of its length for the last 150 years.

It starts somewhere near Westhill, passes Woodend Hospital, and I believe it still runs through the back gardens of the big houses in Rubislaw Den. Near Queen’s Cross it is in a deep stone-lined channel, visible from some of the streets and lanes around Osborne Place.

One summer about 1980, during a dry spell when there wasn’t much water in the burn, my pal Chris and I went an adventure. We scrambled down into the wee canyon where the burn ran along the side of the Grampian TV studio at  Queen’s Cross and walked downstream in our wellies.

Soon the burn went  underground and we carried on with torches. It was like the films where the heroes are journeying through a city’s Victorian sewers: a tunnel of red bricks arching over our heads, with enough headroom to walk upright.

they must have built the brick tunnel right up to the side of the bridge

Here and there were ladders going up to a heavy steel manhole cover, and we could keek through the keyhole and try to work out where we were, from a limited view of the upper part of some building. We weren’t tempted to try and push up the cover, as we were probably in the middle of the road.

We must have crossed under Rosemount Viaduct and under Spa street and down round the back of the theatre, because we looked out from the keyhole of a manhole and saw trees: we were in between Union Terrace Gardens and the railway.

A little further on there was a bit where the roof of the tunnel was different.  Instead of red bricks, it was old stone masonry. It was the hump-back bridge that was in the picture on the library stairs. When they covered over the burn, they must have built the brick tunnel right up to the side of the bridge, left the bridge as it was, and carried on the tunnel from the other side of the bridge.

We didn’t go much further. The  water was getting deeper and moving faster and we didn’t fancy getting swept off our feet and into a cold wet grave somewhere near the harbour.

I went into the library recently to ask about the old pictures of the Denburn valley. They have a few pictures but not quite like I remember.  One is looking from the north towards Union Street, and it does show a wee stone bridge over the burn, but it looks more graceful than the bridge in  the tunnel, more of a sweeping curve than a hump-back.

Maybe there were two stone bridges? The library’s internet archive www.sivercityvault.org.uk has a few pictures, too.

The proposal to fill-in the gardens for another shopping centre may never come true if they can’t raise the necessary millions, or if there’s a  change of political power in the council. My proposal for improving the gardens is to exhume the Den Burn from its tunnel, and let the old stone  bridge see daylight again.

Reference:

http://www.silvercityvault.org.uk/index.phpa
also photos 691 , 747, 748, 891 from www.silvercityvault.org.uk

Jun 282012
 

Gubby Plenderleith, our Special Correspondent for Arts, Culture and the Media, reports on the ground-breaking pilot for a new reality TV show.

It’s forty four years since Andy Warhol first forecast the future in which everybody would be famous for fifteen minutes.
That future has well and truly come and while not everyone has achieved fame, the current crop of reality TV shows has ensured that far more people than ever have realised a degree of celebrity that could never have been envisaged in 1968.

But while reality TV to date has favoured the younger members of its audience – the Club 18 to 30 of society if you like – production company Endthemall is currently piloting a show where the stars will all be senior citizens. 

The idea of the show is for a group of pensioners to share a house for two weeks, with a range of tasks, treats and penalties being administered by ‘Big Daddy’ in order to see how they interact.

The working title for the show is Grandad’s House and, having been lucky enough to be invited to view some of the footage which has already been recorded, I offer you below a taster of what we can expect to see when the show is aired nationwide.

6.13 pm     Bill and Gladys are tidying up in the kitchen.  Rose prepared the tea tonight – sausage rolls and alphabetti spaghetti – and is now fast asleep on the couch beside Tom, who’s slowly packing the few remaining strands of what’s still left of this week’s Tam o’ Shanter into his pipe.  Meanwhile, in the boys’ bedroom, Jack has stretched out on the top of his bed and snores gently, the gentle rhythm broken only by the occasional expulsion of flatulence.

6.42 pm     Bill and Gladys have finished in the kitchen and gone into the garden.  Bill’s trying to play bowls, but the chickens keep escaping from their pen and cluster around the jack.

Maggie, who’s been trying all week to get one of the boys to hold his hands out in the regulation manner in order that she can wind her wool, has given up and sits quietly on the deck area.

6.59 pm    Matt, the oldest person in the house, is telling them all again how old he is.

“We know you’re 93,” says Tom, “you’ve told us every hour of every day since we’ve got here!”

“Have I?” asks Matt and tells them again.

7.02 pm     The Housechums, having successfully completed this week’s task – staying in bed until 7 o’clock on at least one morning – are putting together their shopping list.  Gladys is again lobbying for an extra bottle of Sanatogen Wine, while Matt reminds everyone that the ten cartons of Steradent they ordered last week have already run out.

“It’s not funny when you get to my age,” he says, “I’m 93 you know!”

7.05 pm     Matt tells the Housechums again that he’s 93.  Tom swears under his breath and passes wind.

7.11 pm     Jack appears in the living room and tells everyone that there must be something wrong with the drains.  They ask him why and he tells them that there’s one hell of a smell in the bedroom.

7.14 pm     Maggie shuffles into the living room and asks if anyone knows where the Rennies are.  Jean, who’s been sleeping quietly in the corners, wakes up tells her they’re where they always-bloody-are!  Maggie asks her where that is and Jean tells her she knows damned fine before nodding off again.

Matt starts to tell her about a sergeant named Rennie who was in the Black Watch with him, but she tells him not to start and waddles off to the girls’ bedroom.

7.21 pm     Matt asks Gladys if it’s time for tea yet and Jack tells him they’ve already had their tea.  Matt asks him what he had and whether he enjoyed it.

7.27 pm     Big Daddy tells the Housechums that, as a special treat, they’re to be allowed to watch Coronation street tonight.  Maggie and Gladys both tell everyone that it’s their favourite programme and how that Gail Tilsley’s no better than she should be.  Jack says it’s a load of pish and Matt starts to tell them how old he is but falls asleep before he finishes the sentence.

7.34 pm     Gladys, Maggie and Jean sit watching television when Bill wanders in from the garden and ask them what crap’s on the telly now.  They tell him that Big Daddy is letting the Housechums watch Coronation Street as a special treat.

Bill tells them that the only reason he came into the Grandad’s House was to get away from bloody Coronation Street, bloody East Enders and bloody Emmerdale.  They tell him that he missed out River City and he tells them that it’s the best bloody programme on the bloody telly and how he’s always been interested in boats and sailing before going back out to the garden.

7.42 pm      During the commercial break Jean goes into the kitchen to put the kettle on while Jack and Tom get up to go to the toilet.  Maggie asks them where they’re going and, when they tell her, she reminds them that this will be the third time they’ve gone in the last hour.

Matt tells them how convenient his colostomy bag is.

7.57 pm     With Coronation Street finished, the Housemates hope that Big Daddy will let them watch the next programme but the screen goes blank.

8.02 pm     The Housechums have returned to compiling this week’s shopping list.  Maggie and Jean are discussing the relative merit of two different brands of pork luncheon meat, while Jack tells them not to get any eggs as he’s been bound for the last five days.

8.13 pm     Bill comes in from the garden and announces that he’s going to his bed.  The Housechums all agree that this is an excellent idea as they’ve got to be up early in the morning and join him.

Clearly Endthemall have worked their particular brand of magic again and we can look forward to yet another example of the kind of reality TV that has made British broadcasting what it is today.

 Image Credit:  © Frenk And Danielle Kaufmann | Dreamstime.com

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Jan 192012
 

By Bob Smith.

Ma birthday’s in a fyow days time
Anither ‘ear it bites the dust
Noo ae present a wid affa like
In fact iss een wid be a must
.
A day withoot ony Eurozone news
Een free fae aa doom an gloom
A day fin the financial mairkets
Are nae beamed ti ma livin room
.
A time free o news o the FTSE
Or foo the DAX is deein the day
A time fin a dinna hae ti hear
A country’s drappit fae a triple A
A day fin the mairket prices
Are nae seen as a holy grail
A day free fae bliddy economists
Haein a greet an a bit o a wail
.
Nae Cameron, Sarkozy or Merkel
Tryin ti tell us aa fit needs deein
A day fin we can enjoy oorsels
An nae listen ti the buggers aa leein
.
So TV moguls an Press barons
Tak heed o iss puir mannie’s plea
Jist gie us aa a gweed present
A day we bide Eurozone free

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012
Image Credit © Andy Brown | Dreamstime.com

Dec 012011
 

By Bob Smith.

Here comes the Retail Festival
Cooched in glossy Christmas cheer
Spen spen spen the shops cry oot
Their merchandisin moves up a gear

Maun we owerspen at Christmas
On presents aat leave us skint?
Mony fowk are left in debt
So aat shops can mak a mint

Christmas time itsel a fear
His lost it’s freenly glow
Fowk tryin to see faa can hae
The dearest presents on show

A sma present ti faimly members
There is nae hairm in iss
Bit keepin up wi the Joneses
Is some fowks idea o bliss

Hunners o poonds they are spent
On presents fer aa yer freens
Kids yammerin fer the latest
Toy or game shown on TV screens

Hotels an restaurants filled ti the brim
Yet their prices are ower the tap
Faan wull aa iss madness eyn
An prices wull stairt ti drap

Faimly Christmases used ti be
A time ti visit an hae a blether
Yet ti sit aroon the table
Nooadays fowk they dinna bither

The festivities noo a fear
Hiv naething ti dee wi the 25th
It’s aa ti dee wi consumerism
Spenin dosh on expeensive gifts

In case ye think a’m a scrooge
Tak time ti stop an think
Fit’s the purpose o aa iss spenin
Ither than bringin ye ti debt’s brink

It’s time fer a revolution
A time ti say stuff yer stuff
Resist the aa empowerin persuasion
Pit the retailers in a huff

Celebrate Christmas? Of coorse we shud
Yet think fit shud be deen
Raither than buy a material gift
Jist present yersel as a freen

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”
Image Credit: © Sergey Sundikov | Dreamstime.com

Oct 212011
 

Old Susannah looks back over a week in Aberdeen which felt like a month whizzing by in a day and wonders how much of it was real, and how much more connectivity she can make sense of.

The past week in the Granite City was as vibrant and dynamic as you could have hoped for.  There were walks and photos on Tullos Hill, and photos taken on Belmont Street, to the outrage of security guards.

The opening of the exhibition at the Pier (that’s one of the empty shops at the Academy shopping centre in case you didn’t know) for the six design finalists was of course the pinnacle of everyone’s week if not existence.

On the VIP ONLY opening day, an entire 5 people showed up before 9am to marvel at the designs.

These were our very own Lord Provost, Jennifer Craw, Aileen ‘Ho’Malone, Kate Dean, and a charming blonde woman with clipboard, supposed by many to be Zoe Corsi from the BIG Partnership.

It was as if all my Halloweens had come at once.

She saw me about to take a photo (yes, I fully admit I was going to take a picture, it is a fair cop) and came out of the building to tell me photos weren’t allowed.  Laughingly I told her that I was on a public street.  To teach me a good lesson I shan’t soon forget, she said ‘OK then’ and obligingly struck a pose.  I feel obliged to reproduce it here, along with the picture that Security initially banned.

Look away now if you are of a sensitive disposition.  It all becomes clear why they were so keen to stop me.

There are six finalists.  The competition was very, very stiff (so stiff I suspect rigor mortis had set in), and there were many good submissions.

But there can be only six. Choosing these finalists was very difficult, and a bit of an agonising process as well, I don’t mind admitting.  And I put my hand up – there is no way I could do a better job than any of these finalists; and probably could not have done as well as they did either.

All are to be congratulated for getting this far, and I mean that sincerely.

Without further ado here are the six finalists – for the best reviews of the preposterous, ridiculous, unworkable, ugly, childish, regressive, anti-elegant pieces of tripe which were shortlisted to destroy Union Terrace Gardens.

1.  The Monolith

A beautiful and concise summary of the design which looks like a game of Jenga played badly at 3am.  Nothing to do with Aberdeen.  Even less to do with the garden.  Everything to do with’ 2001: A Space Odyssey’.    In the words of those on Facebook (which all the young people use for ‘connectivity’ and so on), the Monolith design is something ‘we can worship at the foot of’.

The supporters of Monolith are 30 strong,  at the time of writing, the Official City Garden Project Exhibition Facebook site has 68 members.  Yes, that’s right:  the ‘silent majority’ who want the gardens built on have come out in full force.  Please do visit the Monolith Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/VOTEMONOLITH?sk=wall for a full set of photos, and some colourful prose.

2.  The Alternative City Gardens Design Contest

The artwork here is superior to anything you will see in the Pier.  The people who created this page understand design principles, scale, colour and aesthetics to a degree our shortlisted official designers can only dream of.  There are pterodactyls, sunken Statue of Liberties, giant slides, flying saucers and other elements worthy of your attention.  The designs I see on this page are as affordable, attainable and desirable as anything you will find in the Pier.  Please register your approval at:

https://www.facebook.com/VOTEMONOLITH?sk=wall#!/pages/Alternative-City-Gardens-Design-Contest/251979328187602 At present this worthy effort has 40 people who like it.  Do scroll all the way down, or you might miss the ‘Colossus of Woods’.  Beautiful and stirring.  And I do like stirring.

3. TeletubbyLand

I nearly spat out my Tubby ‘ustard and Tubby toast when I came across this entry, immediately shortlisted as one of the six finalists.

Yes, someone has gone back to the set of the Teletubbies and re-created all those walkways.  I see no potential problems with concrete walkways ascending and descending some 50 feet or better above the gardens.  No one will fall, jump, slip or be pushed; they will be great for bobsled practice in the winter, and police will be able to respond to any crime on the ground in seconds.

If we covered these great concrete slabs with something to stop anyone throwing empty beer cans at those below, then we’d have a giant cage.  Result!  A Facebook poster has revealed that Tinky Winky is the mysterious £5 million pound donor towards the garden project going ahead.  To this particular vision of our future, just say ‘Po.’

I only hope there will be a chance in all of this for me to attend an event where the designer(s) of Teletubbyland have to explain to a room full of grown-ups just what they were thinking.

Oh, and as reminder, for the shortlisted designers, a prize is awarded of somewhere in the region of £135,000.  £135,000 for a drawing of the set of a kids’ tv show or a monolith.  I must go find a definition of either ‘value for money’ or ‘old rope.’   Dipsy would be proud.

4.  The Giant Glass Worm on ‘The Future Is Here’

We aren’t supposed to reveal who any of these creative masterminds are, but when you visit this website – which is a must – you will soon realise that No. 4 and No. 5 of my shortlist are both by this design giant.  His observation of the glass structure proposed somehow to cover pedestrians, cars and trains may be one of the worthiest submissions yet:

“The worm doesn’t actually devour the humans, It appears to simply wine and dine them. Like a giant larval bad date” – Fraser Denholm

Obviously there won’t be any issues with air quality, safety, cleanliness (or just plain stupidity) if we make a giant glass worm cover people, trains and cars.   Will smell lovely inside I’m certain.  Birds will persuaded not to deface the beautiful worm by either defecating on it or crashing into it.  Likewise vandals would never be tempted to do anything to a giant glass structure covering a road or train track.  Why didn’t we think of this sooner?

Hats off to you Mr Denholm.  A job at Foster & Partner surely awaits.

The best part of the serious submission is some giant banners in the worm’s body which for no particular reason read ‘science’  on them.  These will soon be for sale as tea towels in every city centre souvenir shop which this project will deliver.
http://fraserdenholm.blogspot.com/2011/10/future-is-here.html

5.  ‘I can’t believe it’s not Halliday Fraser Munro!’ (the underground bunker with no ventilation and with trees without roots growing on top of it).

Mr Denholm delivers some spectacular laughs, but we do have only six places on the shortlist.  His prose is brief on this lovely design, but is incisive.

This design gives us all the underground lifestyle we can only dream of – no sun, no natural light, and not even any air vents of note, for if they were included, they would be very large and visible in the garden.  The garden features giant trees which very thoughtfully don’t  need to have any roots.  Most plants have underground parts that are at least as large as their ‘aerial’ parts.  Not these ones.

Four-hundred-year-old trees are so yesterday

Get rid of those, the things living in them, and get some of these magic, rootless trees.  Denholm also correctly identifies the rice paddies (they can’t be anything but) which grace another shortlisted design.

With all this connectivity business,  I’m starting to wonder whether all these people pushing the project forward are in some way ‘connected.’  Maybe even well connected.

6.  The Garden of Earthly Delights (H Bosch)

Normally in an important competition, it would be wrong to include yourself, friends or family members, but this is my late-breaking entry for the competition.  It’s not as if there are any family ties between the official competition companies, entities, sponsors, backers and so on.

Feel free to vote for my design, which is also on the Alternative Garden Project site.

I think it nicely captures the place where the garden scheme movers and shakers are heading.  And it’s got a space for musical performances, and access at all sides.

When you do visit the Pier, pay attention to all the lovely drawings.  See the trees that cannot exist if something is built under them.  See the lovely people walking around casually, just like you’ll be doing in February.

See the complete absence of logic.  If Star Trek’s Mr Spock were real and went to this show, he’d have a breakdown.  Comfort yourself with the fact there are several good pubs nearby.  You will need one.

And there you have it.  I have sadly taken up so much space with the finalists that there is only room for one definition.  For some reason this sprang to mind.

Boycott

(noun, verb – modern English)  to embargo, ban or cease trade or activities with a person, company or entity. 

Folks – has someone or some company taken advantage of your good nature for too long?  Is, say, a football mogul asking you to ultimately pay (via an ‘uplift’ in retail tax) to turn your Victorian garden into Teletubby land?  Has such a person sent letters to the press ‘warning’ that unless we build a monolith or worm, the city is going to fail?  Has a certain chemist likewise said that a concrete spider web will save us and we must all stick to it?  Has a certain councillor said that you need to support a monolith and monorail?  Has a hotelier called you a luddite NIMBY for not wanting a big bunker in er, your backyard?

Whatever can you do about it?

Well, if you wanted, you could boycott these and other like-minded businesses and business people.  Don’t shop with them.  Don’t use their premises.  Don’t for the love of Pete vote for them.  Don’t spend your hard-earned money to watch their football team lose, and don’t (for many reasons) buy a house from them.

If everyone were to boycott people who used their power in ways the public did not wish, then things would change.  And not into a giant worm either.

Next week:  who knows?

Reminders: 
1. Please keep your artwork coming for the Union Terrace Gardens art contest, which (because of lots of stuff) has not closed yet.  Alternative designs for the garden project most welcome.
2. Anti-deer cull postcards still available – get in touch if you need some; I know where they can be found.

 

Aug 222011
 

By Bob Smith.

Scottish fitba’s noo dire,
it’s stuck in the mire
It’ll hae a richt fecht ti survive
Cos o the cost,
mair fans they are lost
As T.V shows games fit are live

Faar’s aa the flair,
excitement’s nae mair
As coaches  use a rigid formation
Aa 4-5-1 noo,
or thon 4-4-2
An fans gie vent ti frustration

Faar’s aa the wingers,
faa o crosses war slingers
They’re nae langer seen in the game
Jist a lot o fly guys,
faa are gweed at a dive
Each wikk it’s jist mair o the same

There’s nae Graham Leggat,
faa hid fullbacks fair fleggit
As doon the touchline he wid glide
Wi his quick feet,
maist opponents he beat
An they landed up on their backside

Modern players micht be fit,
bit the fitba is shit
Gweed  goal poachers we nivver div see
Wi twa banks o fower,
it maks ye fair glower
Fan fae shackles wull fitba be free ?

Fae pundits we hear,
an aa iss I fear
Is ae reason oor fitba’s nae fine
“We’re in the results game”,
is fit they proclaim
Entertainment is far fae their myn

In Europe we fail,
the fans they aa wail
As heids they’re hung doon in shame
Jist hae  players attack,
an nae jist hing back
An bring alive “The Beautiful Game”

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie”
Image credit:  © Shaun Mclean | Dreamstime.com

 

Jun 032011
 

Some weeks ago, Voice’s David Innes went to the very scary outer limits of his IT abilities and downloaded Queen of Denmark by John Grant from the i-Tunes Store and lovely it is too. It wasn’t always that easy, but it used to be a lot more fun. Fred Wilkinson also chips in.

I can almost date it to a day in November 1971 when my rock ‘n roll obsession finally took hold. It’s refused to let go ever since. It was the day that my first cassette recorder arrived from the wifie across the road’s clubbie book.
That was, I suppose, ‘hardware’, and ‘software’ in the form of a C90 cassette tape which meant that a whole new world opened up for me.

Recording Pick of the Pops from the radio or Top of the Pops from TV, using a microphone held close to the sound source, obviously, was a wonderful way of picking up music for free. But for every Heart of Gold there were three Johnny Reggaes and the charts were crammed with Chicory Tip and David Cassidy rather than Family and Deep Purple.

In the small country town in which I was raised, there was no specialist record shop. Haberdasheries, draperies, gents’ barbers, ironmongers and butchers abounded, but for the aspiring vinyl junkie, the banqueting hall consisted of half a dozen racks of cardboard LP sleeves at the back of Clydesdale TV. This chain of Caledonian electrical shops was much more interested in knocking out hoovers, fridges and colour (aye, colour) tellies to upwardly-mobile council house tenants than offering hirsute, denim-clad Banffshire youth the heavy, cred-establishing, underground sounds of the day.

The stock rarely rotated. I’m convinced that Atom Heart Mother was in the rack for so many years that the cow on the sleeve aged to the extent of having to be removed by the local rendering company. The single copy of CSNY’s Four Way Street was on display for so long that a traffic-managing one-way system was installed. Had I not eventually taken pity on a lone copy of Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Wight (not his best) its display longevity would only have been matched by the somewhat less-desirable Jimmy Hendry at the Isla Hotel.

It was a rare treat then, to visit Barr Cochrane in Elgin and set eyes on such semi-mythical albums as Argus, Fog On The Tyne and Machine Head information about which we’d devoured voraciously in Melody Maker and Sounds and which were available to us via mail order from some Branson gadgie and his Virgin Records. The journey home by bus passed in a flash as we devoured every syllable of the sleevenotes of spanking new King Crimson and Atomic Rooster purchases.

Even more decadent were occasional outings to Aberdeen, beyond the fortnightly excursions on the supporters’ bus to watch the thrilling early 70s Dons. There, there were teeming racks of LPs of which we had only heard the names and had never eyeballed the covers.

One Up took specialist record supply to a new level in the city, with knowledgeable, sociable and friendly staff who shared our passion

We sought out  Bruce Millers and Chalmers and Joy, both emporia of rock then in George Street, Telemech in Marischal Street and the ever-reliable Woolworths, where bargains could often be had due to a bizarre pricing regime which more than once saw credible chart albums reduced to 50p because the wifie in charge confused James Last with James Taylor or Frankie Vaughan and Frankie Miller.

Who can remember, at the less-salubrious end of George Street, then a respected shopping thoroughfare and still the main A96 into the city, a down-at-heel, nondescript shoppie in which there was an ever-present pungent aroma of exotic smoking materials and where a milk crate of bootlegs resided, literally, under the counter? Aberdeen’s original Virgin Records store!

A few of us moved into the city in the mid 1970s and we became spoiled for choice. The Other Record Shop became legendary, especially once the 76-77 revolution made buying 45rpm singles essential again and Happy Trails was always good and far enough off the beaten track to  indulge that guilty Grateful Dead collector’s reflex.

My Voice colleague Fred Wilkinson also recalls Thistle TV’s part in youthful vinyl junkiedom…

“I got tel’t that the scary wifie that worked in Thistle TV wis Evelyn Glennie’s ma. Glennie wis the proprietor’s name for sure, and the wifie did resemble Evelyn in some wyes.

“She didna like maist punks, so I’m nae sure why she ordered in punk singles,  though it possibly explains why there wis a crackin 50p box in which, it wis rumoured, many a rarity could be found … if she wis prepared tae serve ye!

“It might hae been the case that she didna like folk smokin in her shop, like in the days far ye didna think twice aboot lightin up in a shoppie except if it selt food, in which case ye widna light up, but if ye had one on the go fan ye got there, ye didna waste it by snibbin it, nor hing aboot ootside an finish it. Ah can still see a’ the black marks on the local newsagent lino fae folk stumpin oot the fags they finished aff while waitin tae get served.

“I wis one the few punks she liked – or maybe, didna dislike? –  though tae this day, I dinna actually ken why, except maybe because I never smoked in her shop. I mind when Generation X released King Rocker, a lang-awaited release fae Gen X, and the first copies in the shops were a limited edition o’ yalla vinyl.

“That Setterday saw punks rinnin a’ ower the toon lookin for copies – apart fae the smart arse bastards fa got intae toon aboot 8′ o’clock in the mornin! Nithin tae be had fae The Other Record Shop, Brucies, Boots, Trax, Happy Trails. Even the Aiberdeen Market wis bein checked oot, but nithin! However, there wis aye Thistle TV.

“So when I got there, there wis a wee pile o’ punks roon the corner fa had tried an failed, jist waitin for somebody a wee bit less punky tae go get them a copy. The wifie kent they were there an wisna budgin an inch. Foo’an ivver, I managed tae walk in, said “Aye aye, foo ye daein the day?” I got a wee smile, an walked oot wi the last 4 copies – 1 for me, an the ither 3 for the 5 or 6 folk waitin roon the corner.

Noo if I wis a capitalist …..”

One Up took specialist record supply to a new level in the city, with knowledgeable, sociable and friendly staff who shared our passion. More than once was I called to the phone at work to take “an urgent message”, which tended to be something like,

“Hi Dave, it’s Raymond – there’s a couple of copies of part 3 of the Charly label Jimmy Reed series just come in – I’ll keep one aside for you”.

That Diamond Street shoppie, One Up’s third home, I think – Fred will keep me right – was where I also bought copies of all the fitba fanzines on sale and Viz, (just establishing itself as a sort of fool orra Beano) as well as far too much vinyl, inessential and indulgent cassette-only mixes of tracks by favoured artists and, eventually, these new shiny tiny pancakes of aural pleasure, CDs.

In the late 80s, HMV muscled in on the local action, followed by Virgin, Our Price and, a decade later, Fopp.

Of those only HMV remains, but its games and DVD sections now dwarf the audio area. They’re also not performing as well as they want to on the High Street although their online ordering and download service is growing.

In the 1990s, a brave attempt by everyone’s pal, James McGuigan, to bring something different to the record-buying public by offering heavily-discounted CDs in his Retro Blue outlet on George Street, was roundly applauded.

there’s no doubt that it made us more appreciative of those precious black 12” platters, lovingly liberated during a day-long trek round every city centre record store.

I spent a sizeable slice of my kids’ inheritance in there, drank far too much of James’s free coffee and enjoyed fantastic conversations with James himself and Joe and Andy, his trusted lieutenants, always willing to play something which had enthused them, listen to we older guys’ war stories of greatcoats, pints of heavy and the Harriet Bar, or discuss burning international issues of the day, generally the Dons’ latest inabilities or Morrice the Butcher’s Brither yarns.

When Retro Blue pulled down the shutters for one last time, teeth were provided for the dentally-bereft to join in the communal gnashing. Good try James, you’re a diamond, min!

Back in 2011, One Up is still valiantly knocking out CDs, vinyl, magazines, fanzines, clothing and memorabilia. Fred is always available for advice on what’s worth buying as he knows every regular’s taste, as well as being the fount of all knowledge in what’s happening in the city centre, opinionated about the Dons and ready to recommend a Guardian article from the previous week. It’s still one of the few places like Cheers where you can enter at any time of day and someone will know your name. Live long and prosper, One Up.

The racks of heavily-discounted CDs in Asda and Tesco show just how the record buyer’s outlet choice has diminished. Once we had to labour, strive and struggle to find what turned us on and there’s no doubt that it made us more appreciative of those precious black 12” platters, lovingly liberated during a day-long trek round every city centre record store.

Picking up a copy of Motown Chartbusters 5 with a loaf and a stone of Maris Piper from the supermarket is too easy. Jimmy Ruffin deserves better and more loving treatment than being dropped in a trolley with the Evening Express and a dozen pakoras from the deli.

Clicking a mouse fewer than a dozen times to download only the tracks you want from an online mp3 site gives far less satisfaction than finding a rare Stones’ Decca compilation in Barr Cochrane’s for 99p. Those Amazon jiffy bags don’t quite hit the sweet spot in the same way as a 12 inch square grey Virgin Records’ cardboard envelope did when Quadrophenia was delivered by the postie to my ma’s house in 1973.

Old rockers never die, they just grumble about having to change their listening format.

Jan 072011
 

By David Innes.

No matter how lurid were the stories of Gerry Rafferty’s personal demise in summer 2010’s tabloids, it was still shocking to hear that he had died on 4 January, aged only 63. His career is well-documented elsewhere. This is a fan’s view of his talent.

I first heard of The Humblebums in the late 1960s. They may even have appeared on one of the low-budget, dodgily-shot, poorly-recorded, grainy Scottish music TV shows of my youth. I may even have been attracted to them by the fact that the word ‘bum’ was in their name. I cannot remember. Neither can I recall anything about any performance I may have witnessed.

What did affect me though, was a friend’s copy of a record in what looked like a hand-painted sleeve, in the days when sleeves were constructed from stout cardboard, were a foot square and served well as temporary indoor hats, worn to display to fellow listeners your own excellent personal taste in listening choice. Maybe that was just me and my teenage trusties, come to think of it. I later discovered that the sleeve, credited to “Patrick” was the work of the scarily-gifted, all-round good guy John Byrne, Gerry’s enduring pal, commemorated in The Humblebums’ Patrick.

Can I Have My Money Back, on Transatlantic subsidiary Blue Thumb Records was to have made a star of young Rafferty. His material was the melodic bedrock on which The Humblebums’ live reputation was founded whilst Billy Connolly took care of the gags, in his unique, hilarious and anarchic way. Comparisons to Paul McCartney are no exaggeration when the title track, with its still-relevant lines

Listen to the lies of the politician man

Saying that we live in a democratic land
One land for the rich, another for the poor
And if you try to change it, they’ll nail you to the floor

is considered along with melodic tours de force, Mary Skeffington and Long Way Round and the subtle brashness of New Street Blues.

Can I Have My Money Back still sounds amazing today. The songs themselves are sublime, the arrangements precise and sympathetic and the delivery proof that young Rafferty had a supreme pop sensibility. Alas, this landmark release did not sell in the numbers it deserved to.

There was no other identifiable solo releases until City To City, which is not to dismiss the three Stealer’s Wheel efforts Stealer’s Wheel, (it included THAT single) Ferguslie Park and Right Or Wrong, but Transatlantic had the foresight – at least it seemed so to Rafferty addicts – to release Gerry’s Humblebums’ material in a variety of guises during the mid-70s. Anyone with an ear for melody could not fail to be moved by the wistful beauty of Her Father Didn’t Like Me Anyway, the resignation to fate of Rick Rack and the strolling funk of Steamboat Row.

When it was announced in 1977 that a first solo album for six years was to be released, I ordered the title track released on 45rpm single, from Aberdeen’s emporium of dreams The Other Record Shop. I asked for another brand new release to be popped in the bag with it. Were there ever two more incongruous purchases than City To City and The Sex Pistols’ Holidays In The Sun? That was VERY 1977.

There was greater success. Royalties from Baker Street and from Stuck In The Middle accompanying a cop lug-ectomy in Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, meant that Rafferty was able to live comfortably and securely until he bowed out this week.

In some ways, given his recent history, he wrote his own epitaph early on

But when he took to drinking we knew that he was thinking
That his days were quickly coming to an end
He’d only speak of Steamboat Row, he said someday we ought to go
And walk along that dusty road
Fifteen miles to get there, fifteen miles to go
Fifteen miles back home again, home to Steamboat Row

That’s how I’ll remember Gerry Rafferty, 1947-2011.