Old Susannah’s Journal 120 – Portrait Of A Lady

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  7 Responses »
May 132013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

Apologies for the late arrival of this service; it’s been a busy week.

John Aberdein, author of works including Strip the Willow, was in town, and I am pleased to have been able to spend some time with him.

We met at the May Day March, where a surprisingly large number of people attended.

You almost got a sense that people weren’t all that happy with the way central government is bringing us economic prosperity.

There were some interesting speeches on issues such as the bedroom tax, health assessments, inflation, loss of workers’ rights, forced employment, austerity, exploiting young workers, service cuts and closures, and other trivialities. 

For some reason I could only see Labour councillors around.

I’d hoped some of our Conservative and LibDem councillors would be on hand to dispel the Labour propaganda; they could have for instance given back-up for the Department of Work & Pensions’ claim that one in four people on sickness benefit is fit for work.  I’d have also appreciated their reassurances that everything is fine and that ‘we’re all in it together’.

I keep meaning to ask a ConDem councillor exactly what ‘it’ is that we’re all in together?  Economic prosperity?  Fair taxes and a fair society?  A bed of roses?  I’d love to ask for instance Councillor Gillian Owen what ‘it’ is, but alas!  She’s not going to be communicating with me.

I could conceivably have done or written something upsetting, but I now have the anxiety of waiting until Christmas time to see whether or not she’ll be sending me a card.

Rather than only offering definitions this week, I thought a portrait of Councillor Owen might make a refreshing and pleasant change, together with some related timely terms.

Councillor Gillian Owen: (Proper noun; name of an elected official in Aberdeenshire)

Conservative Party Councillor for Ellon & District, Aberdeenshire Council. Chair of the Council’s Chair of Aberdeenshire Council’s Scrutiny and Audit Committee

Councillor Gillian Owen is a multitalented woman, serving her ward and its constituents, overseeing the Scrutiny and Audit Committee, and, er. working at Snappy Snaps now and then.

Alas!  I seem to have offended the lady; I’ve no idea how that could be.  Some weeks ago, a number of Aberdeenshire residents gave me permission to write to their councillors on their behalf.  Oddly enough, some residents don’t think their elected officials are taking them and their views seriously enough.

clearly she wanted me to call instead, as she sent her mobile number

When I wrote to councillors, some were slightly hostile; some were slightly helpful, and some simply didn’t write back to me or their constituents (they probably get so much fan mail that they don’t really have time to answer it all).

But Cllr Owen’s modest replies warmed my heart and the hearts of those voters who’d asked me to write to her in the first place.

When first contacted about her friend Donald Trump’s development and its slight tendency to occasionally deviate from the plan, she wrote:-

“As previously requested remove this email. I do not wish to receive emails from you.”

I did try to remove the email, but I didn’t have much luck.  She said she didn’t want to receive emails from me; clearly she wanted me to call instead, as she sent her mobile number.

I thought I’d clarify why I was writing, and sent this:-

“Reminder Councillor:  I am writing at the behest of your constituents – shall I tell them you do not want to hear from them?  Thank you for clarifying//END”

To which Gillian Owing-Trump-A-Favour replied:-

‘NO I JUST WANT TO HEAR FROM THEM NOT YOU.’-

Which was rather thoughtful; full caps are so much easier for Old Susannah to read.  Her constituents who’d asked me to write were touched by this warm exchange; no doubt these words deserve a wider audience.

Scrutiny and Audit Committee: (compound proper noun) A group within Aberdeenshire Council looking into issues including:-

  • “Residents and Employee Surveys;
  • “Internal and external audit reports;
  • ” Issues raised by residents, local community groups and external organisations…”

Residents of course already know how deeply their councillors care about their concerns.  It is reassuring Cllr Owen is at the helm, helping to decide what issues raised by residents will be scrutinised and audited.

As David Milne’s petition going before Holyrood on 14 May has nearly 19,000 signatories demanding a public inquiry into the handling of the post-approval developments at Trump Scotland, Gillian will doubtless prioritise this issue for her constituents.  I’d ask her to confirm this myself, but she’s not going to answer.

If any readers living in the Shire would like her committee to look at issues of policing, security, environment, rights of access, adherence to the Outdoor Access Code and so on at the Menie Estate, she can be contacted at Cllr.G.Owen@aberdeenshire.gov.uk  – just tell her Old Susannah sent you.

‘And what are the values of this committee?’ I practically hear people asking.  They are:-

“Open, Transparent, Investigative, Deliberative, Evidence-based, Accountable, Responsive, Inclusive, Influencing, Flexible, Proactive, Non-partisan and Outward Looking.”

How important indeed it is to be open, transparent, accountable and responsive is reflected in so many things councillors do.  As an aide to that transparency and openness, electors have the right to know more about their councillors.  One way this noble aim is accomplished is via the Register of Interests.

Register of Interests: (compound noun) A detailed record, legally required, showing the outside interests (paid and unpaid), hospitality received and other activities of councillors so that any potential conflicts of interest can be identified and compromising situations avoided.

Codes of ethics and standards are hardly necessary for our elected officials; I for one am happy to take it on good faith that they are all working without any thought of reward other than their salaries and that they would not compromise themselves by taking inappropriate hospitality.

For instance First Minister Alex Salmond is still feeling the heat for meeting with Donald Trump while planning issues were being discussed.  At least I guess he must have recorded the hospitality on his register of interests’ entry.  Not doing so would be rather naughty indeed.  I do get the feeling that any future dinners are somewhat unlikely.

“The Register is accurate as at today’s date [April 25 2013]”  - an Aberdeenshire council employee confirmed to me recently.  I had asked for clarification, as amazingly, Councillor Owen’s record did not show any remuneration, shares, election expenses, or gifts and hospitality.

Many are impressed by this saintly abstention from gifts and hospitality; it contrasts greatly with the record of old City councillor Kate Dean [Who she?  Ed], who had managed to get to a heck of a lot of events indeed.  No, our Councillor Owen is too busy to write to me or for any socialising or gift-getting.  Canonisation cannot be far off.

Newsletter: (noun) A means, printed or electronic, of updating people on current events, news, etc.

One thing Councillor Owen does have time for is keeping us all updated on the latest news.  Her newsletter can normally be found here (I have randomly chosen a lovely story link from the site):-

http://gillianowen.yourcllr.com/2012/07/11/gillian-visits-the-trump-international-golf-links/.

But alas!  This newsletter website was down last night.  Happily it is back up and running now, for I foresee an increased interest in it.

gillian-owen-and-donald-trump Just in case the site is not working when any Aberdeen Voice readers try to access it I’m certain that Cllr Owen-us-an-explanation will be more than happy for me to share this lovely photo, which I managed to save as a screenshot from her newsletter some time ago:-

It’s amazing what can happen when two world-class celebrities get together; I don’t know about you, but I simply adore this image.

This is text of the story in case it can’t be accessed on line for some reason:-

“I had the pleasure today to see at first had the new Trump International Golf Links at Menie. I must say it was a marvellous sight and a fantastic golf course.  I have supported this development since it came before the Area committee five years ago and have always believed that it will provide the North East with a superb facility and a legacy which will grow and one day I hope will host The Open.  Enjoy a couple of the photos that I took today!”  

Thank you Gillian, we will enjoy the rest of those photos indeed. (I fear my odds of getting my copy of the Owen-Trump photograph signed are somewhat low; if any readers who are getting glossy prints made of this great picture autographed could ask for a spare signed copy one for me, I’d be most grateful.  I might however just run down to Snappy Snaps to get some blow-ups made.  I suppose Gillian got her copies made there; I wonder if there was an employee discount.)

Let’s hope it was a very very quick visit or our Councillor would have been tempted to have a coffee, tea, or meal – and as we know, the prices for a bite at the temporary clubhouse are slightly more expensive than a Big Mac Meal.

Obviously, any hospitality taken in July at the world’s greatest golf course would have shown up on the gifts register, particularly as Owen-Trump-A-Lunch seems likely to have voting power which could benefit her friend and ours, Donald.   Again if anyone wanted to bring any issues to the attention of Cllr Owen for scrutiny, please see her email address above.

While I am at it, another useful website address just happens to be at hand; this is for Standards Commission Scotland   http://www.standardscommissionscotland.org.uk/ .  If you have for any reason any issues of potential conflict of interests, incomplete register of interest entries and so on, the Standards Commission might be a good website to visit.

Next week:  A look at some recent Freedom of Information requests, and possibly some more on ethics, conflict of interest, gifts, hospitality and so on

PS:  All the best to David Milne tomorrow as he attends Holyrood trying to get a much-needed public inquiry into the catalogue of disasters that ensued following planning permission going to Trump at Menie.  At last count there were over 19,000 people wanting answers as to how the planners, councillors, police, environmental advisory group MEMAG, the countryside access officers and so on acted.   Holyrood has to agree to this inquiry.

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 119 – Nudge, Nudge

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  3 Responses »
May 022013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary Tally Ho!  This past week there was an astonishingly great fashion show by Gray’s School of Art second and third year fashion students, held in The Seven Incorporated Trades of Aberdeen.
It was professionally organised, smoothly and elegantly run (with a great reception), and the work on show was by any standard advanced beyond the expected level.  More on that elsewhere in Aberdeen Voice.

Let’s take a bit of a break from Mr Trump this week I think.  Besides which, he’s about to issue writs to the Scottish Government and I’m really scared!  If Donald doesn’t want windfarms, Donald will take us to court!

When a law abiding man like that takes legal action, you know he’s not doing it frivolously.  I’m sure he’s got a point:  hardly anyone’s signing up for golf at Balmedie, and it’s almost as if the 6,000 jobs that were created might be in peril. 

This lack of golfers could be due to the sandstorms, hailstorms, rain and cold weather, but far more likely people are staying away in case they’d have to see a wind farm offshore.  If I’m going to spend £195 for a round of golf, then have a £100 lunch for two consisting of a few burgers, fries and coffees, I don’t want to be looking at windfarms, either.  For that kind of money, I want Led Zeppelin performing live.

I hear the Mayday march might be cancelled this year.  Since all of the labour force is now doing so very well under the Coalition Government, the unions decided there is no need for any display.  Things are almost as great as when the entire town marched against Kate Dean.

There is also to be a party and events in Union Terrace Gardens that afternoon, but since it is so full of criminals and drug smugglers, I’m sure we’ll all be too afraid to go there.  If only we could have had the granite web.

The beautiful granite-clad concrete web may be toast now, but then again, we look set to get some very fetching, brand new glass-box office buildings soon.  Really, how do these trendy architects come up with these great designs?

These happening, nearly modern buildings will replace St Nicholas’ House.  The complex will blend right into the local architecture of Marischal College and won’t stick out like a dated pastiche predictable cheap sore thumb whatsoever.  No doubt these glass box office buildings will look absolutely state-of-the art near the Milne Triple Kirks glass box office buildings and won’t seem old dated and dirty in 3 years or less.

Given the seagull and pigeon populations, this may be a good time to open a window cleaning business.

Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre

Speaking of Triple Kirks, poor Stewart certainly has had his difficulties lately.  He may have failed to get Scottish football teams to vote with him despite his use of reasoned debate, but at least he showed the city centre wildlife he was boss.

You may remember how Stewart Milne, saviour of Scottish Football and tasteful developer arranged to have the long-settled peregrine falcons ‘discouraged’ from nesting in the Triple Kirks site when he took it over.  Well done Stewart.

Unlike clever, business-orientated Aberdeen, Norwich decided to encourage some peregrines to nest in their city centre.  The people of Norwich surprisingly find their rare peregrines and the newly-hatched chicks a source of interest, tourism, pride and education as they and the wider world watch the birds on cctv.  More info here:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-22368516 .

The RSBP believes there are fewer than 1400 breeding pairs in the UK.  With as many as that around, it is no wonder the previous Aberdeen City Council administration didn’t discourage Milne from discouraging the birds.  We need more office buildings you see.

As there is clearly not enough building work going on to placate important local contractors, some still cling to the possibility of turning Union Terrace Gardens into a parking lot/shopping mall, which we so desperately need.  What other explanation is there for the continued existence of the limited company which is the Aberdeen City Gardens Trust?

They’re still listed as an active company at Companies House, with directors Tom Smith, Lavinia Massie and of course Colin Crosby.  (I wonder how they managed to get so much positive Granite Web coverage in Chamber of Commerce publications?  Perhaps as a board member, Colin could help field the answer to this mystery.)  Then again, Colin is also on the Aberdeen Harbour Board, which now seeks to expand into the remaining coastal greenbelt.

An ambitious man, Colin; he’ll make us all rich yet.  Well, some of us rich anyway.

Between the ACGT, ACSEF, the Harbour Board, the Chamber of Commerce, Brewin Dolphin, and the board of Robert Gordon’s College, it’s a wonder Crosby hasn’t dropped any balls.

 we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do

For some reason I’m reminded of an episode of Dr Who in which invading aliens try to build monstrosities all over any green space they could all in the name of profit, although I can’t think why that should spring to mind just now.

Yes, it’s men like Colin who disprove the otherwise sound, logical government experiment in Nudge Theory.  I’m sure we all know what this important Nudge Theory is, but I’ll get onto it with a definition or two anyway.

Nudge Theory: (modern English jargon phrase) Behavioural theory that people are inherently lazy and need to be pushed into doing what is best for them.

The Nanny State lives on, and thank goodness for that.

It’s like this:  only the Colin Crosbys, Stewart Milnes and other rich businessmen aren’t lazy – the rest of us are.  Worse, we are all so weak-willed we’ll do whatever is made easy for us to do.  This highly-scientific theory is now a government triumph!  Result!  Not only is it part of the reason the country’s doing so well, but it’s also going to  be launched as an initiative!

And you thought there was no good news around.

The BBC covers this marvellous development, and supplies examples of what might otherwise sound like idiotic psychobabble.  For instance, if manufacturers put a label on a bottle of wine to the effect that the average person drinks one glass of wine a day, we’ll all follow suit and do just that.

School children will start eating healthier at lunchtimes too.  Why?  Because we’re going to put the tastier junk food items in locations that are more difficult to reach than healthier options.  This logic is brilliant!  You can see examples of how this works in the shops today.  Since lad’s mags, fags and booze are kept out of reach no one buys them because they’re too lazy to do so.

It’s clear this Nudge Theory is going to take off; it’s so easy to understand.

This scheme is going to make the government millions as well as make all of us safer and less stressed by having to think for ourselves.  I personally look forward to having my laziness used to steer me into good behaviour in this subtle manner.  It’s not at all Kafkaesque or Orwellian for the government to spend our time and our money on getting us to fall into line and be good.

But the really good news is that this will be a ….

Partnership Model: (modern English jargon) A business entity or company formed by government and private enterprise.

Well, since forming in 2010 the brains behind this great Nudge Theory scheme have really come together to ambitiously turn this scientific theory into a money-spinner.  Old Susannah has to wonder if people are inherently lazy, then what sets the people behind this Nudge Theory Partnership Model and their work to go into business with their scheme apart from the rest of us lazy, weak-willed populace.

I guess that they’re just smarter, better, brighter than we are.  Only to the worst kind of lazy cynic would this great humanitarian scheme look like a brazen wheeze and ploy to earn money for old and unnecessary rope.

Here’s what the BBC, lazy as they are, were able to find out:-

“It could become the first of “dozens” of elements of Whitehall to be spun out, as Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude plans to shake-up the Civil Service.

“A spokesman for Mr Maude said: ‘We are in a global race for the jobs and opportunities of the future. To get Britain back on the rise we must find innovative ways to deliver better services more efficiently’. [Old Susannah wonders if Mr Maude was too lazy to make his own statement to the press, and had to be ‘nudged’ into releasing a statement by this spokesman]

“’It’s great news that the world-renowned ‘nudge’ unit is spinning out from central government. As a mutual they will combine the benefits of private sector experience and investment with the innovation and commitment from staff leadership.  This accelerates our drive to make public assets pay their way. We hope to support dozens more new spin outs over the next few years. This is a whole new growth area and Britain is leading the way.”

Well, I’m impressed.  We’re going to make money out of exploiting people’s natural fecklessness.

The government will join with a private company (no doubt one completely unrelated to any government ministers, tax avoiders or big business interests or lobbyists.  Then, they’ll sell the scheme back to the government, which will demand government offices buy into it.

Lazy?  I guess you could say fecklessness is off and running as a way to make profits.  Or something like that.

Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics

I wonder what this great wheeze will wind up earning for the taxpayer over the years?  Undoubtedly we’ll all be better off.  Otherwise, they’ll just tell us we’ll be better off, and we’ll be too lazy and/or too stupefied by our one glass of wine a day to bother to find out the real story.

If I could only motivate myself to do some work, or even to open another BrewDog.

Ages ago the Government started privatising everything, and look how well that’s turned out.  For instance, Group Four security started running various prison services.  These went so well, Group Four changed to G4S, and did a splendid job running the Olympics without any problems at all.  Could the government complain if things went wrong?

Not really – the contracts were sewn up very well, government and private sector overlaps tended to help each other out or at least look the other way if problems arose, and lobbyists were always on hand with sweeteners to keep the cogs well oiled.  And so it will be with the private/public money-spinning Partnership Model, which will industriously make money out of the fact we the people are lazy.

Nudge Nudge wink wink indeed.

With the Mayday march about to take place, I think we should extend an invitation to the brave, pioneering, hard-working men and women behind Nudge Theory and the Partnership Model to come and join in.  I have no doubt that if our teachers, carers, volunteers, firemen, etc. could meet the Nudge professionals, they’d understand just what real hard work is.

I was going to write about the latest in relation to the standoff between the press and the government over press regulation.  I was going to write something about Trump, windfarms, and golf, but I realise that I’m just too lazy to do so.

So it’s off to watch some television until I fall asleep, and hope the government will give me some clear pointers on what to do and what not to do, but without me having to even know I’m being steered to do the right thing, as decided by the Nudge Theory think-tank.  As long as I don’t have to think too much, or do much, that’ll suit me fine.

Time for my one glass of wine.

Next week – more fecklessness, or possibly some recklessness.

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Old Susannah No. 118 – The Twilight Saga

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  1 Response »
Apr 262013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

The winds howl; the rain falls and a sandstorm or two batter East Grampian; it must be spring.  The biggest event of the past week was to be a ‘twilight’ visit to the Menie Estate.

When I heard of the ‘twilight’ visit to the Trump course, I’d initially expected that some sulky teenage movie stars would be coming for a photo shoot, but it was even more exciting than that:  Mrs Sarah Malone ‘Face of Grampian’ Bates would be meeting councillors and the public not once, but twice in the Trump parking lot. Result!

Before I give too much away about this exciting event, some of the other developments first.

What a pleasant surprise I had on Wednesday last week; I ran into Power Ranger Ian Tallboys. 

I was at a meeting of the East Grampian Coastal Partnership.   I’d no idea Tallboys was interested in environmental issues, so it came as something of a surprise.  He was with two women who were very friendly; so much so that they kept exchanging glances and giggling at each other when I approached their group.

I told Ian that Tullos Hill was a complete tip (I really should have said it looked like a war zone), and I asked him whether or not the waste recently left on the hill by the tree planters had been removed.

I guess a busy, important award-winning man like I.T. didn’t really have time to look into these minor details, so he avoided giving either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ answer, and instead explained he’d been talking to the contractors who planted the trees, etc. etc… I translated his answer to be ‘no’.   I was just flattered he seemed to recognise me.

If I weren’t so shy and retiring, I’d have asked for his autograph now that he’s won awards and been in the newspapers and all.  I really must stop pestering such celebrities; he has after all met HR Princess Anne who presented the award to the Tullos Hill deer and habitat destruction scheme.

Rumours that HRH is hiring Tallboys and CJ Piper to landscape royal properties remain unconfirmed.

Other than this happy chance meeting, it’s been another colourful week.  BrewDog have new additions  this week– ‘there is ‘Fake’ larger and a lovely porter named after the original BrewDog dog, Bracken.  Both are going down a storm.

Sadly, there were sandstorms in our area; sadly they could have had an effect on world’s greatest golf course, or worse – mess up Sarah Malone’s hair.  It wouldn’t do to look untidy while representing Donald Trump.

Remember – if you want to have a foursome and play a round (as it were), for a mere £190 (resident discount), you too can enjoy sandstorms, high winds, driving rain and collapsing greens.  But hurry – there are only three or four dozen places free every day, according to the online booking tool.

Media-wise we now have the Daily Record’s new Thursday publication

I’m sure that with the beautiful bed and breakfast facilities now up and running, the golf bookings will escalate even further – it’s no wonder they need a second course to cope with demand.  The interior shots of the world’s greatest bed and breakfast, yours for £295 per night only, show lovely shades of mustard soft furnishings.

The last time Old Susannah saw anything in this tasteful shade was at the city council elections; Aileen HoMalone wore an adorable oversized mustard jacket, which didn’t make her look like a theatre usher or real estate sales person at all.   Then there is the new fountain.  It defies description, and all it needs are one or two gnomes.

Media-wise we now have the Daily Record’s new Thursday publication, ‘The Aberdonian’.  Unfortunately it has seen fit to put on the cover of its first issue the wild claim that 2 out of 3 Aberdonians are against Trump when it comes to his wind farm position.

I don’t know why the Daily Record has bothered to come to our little area; after all we get all the news we need from the Press & Journal and its partner in impartiality, the Evening Express.  I’m sure that after a few visits from ACSEF members, billionaires, millionaires and so on the Aberdonian will fall into line, and do as it’s told, just like Aberdeen Journals.

Back to the Twilight Saga.  As I indicated, the real highlight of the past few days (if not the year) was the 23 April  council visit to the Menie Estate.  There should have been a 5.30 meeting followed by the hotly-anticipated Twilight session.

I arrived late to the 5.30 and was heartbroken:  the visit was virtually finished.   Our councillors must have been able to size up the issues in about 10 minutes flat.   And Alas!  Although Sarah Malone was at the first looking very fetching in high heels (I’m told), neither she nor anyone from Trump showed up for the twilight session, leaving councillors in the dark figuratively and literally.  For some inexplicable, eerie, mysterious reason, and for the first time in residents’ memories, the parking lot lights hadn’t been turned on.

It was not going to be successful anyway if the intention was to look at lighting issues such as ‘light spill’ – they chose a night when the moon was nearly full.  The werewolves would have loved it.

A giant white blob shimmered in the distance; it was hideous.

The night became spooky.  A few bats flitted around, and an owl swooped over the trees past the full moon.  The tentative start time of 9pm was greatly delayed by the Blackdog meeting concerning wind turbines which the councillors were at.  It was now nearly 10pm.

You could have been forgiven for thinking vampires and werewolves would emerge, but all I saw was a few zombies, some ghouls and a witch or two, but not the one we were waiting for.  No sign of Sarah; no sign of security.    A giant white blob shimmered in the distance; it was hideous.  I’d thought it was a ghost or daemon, but it was just the temporary marquee.  Horrible.

Apparently some oil company or other will be hosting a event in this luxurious structure this very weekend!  Expect celebrities in our area soon – maybe even politicians!  The paparazzi will be out in force no doubt.

While I was by then quite scared, most of the councillors were in great spirits, having driven to the estate to stand around in a cold, windy, dark parking lot waiting for non-existent Trump people to appear.  I know they were in great spirits because one of them said ‘This is *!(£%%~%*!! amusing, isn’t it?’’ and another ‘what a f*^&!!~%%!!!  joke!’.  And no sign of any Twilight actors, either.

Some unkind observers suggested the Trump people did this no-show deliberately to stall any planning decisions – but they’d never stoop to unfair tactics, I’m sure of it.  It could have been a bit of completely uncharacteristic incompetence which made them look arrogant, disorganised and disdainful of local councillors, but surely not.

However, I have emailed Mrs Bates (copy George Sorial) and I’m sure she’ll write back with an explanation any moment. I only hope it wasn’t some serious accident like a broken high-heel or chipped nail polish that kept our former beauty queen from her appointment with the councillors.

I’m sure a strategic genius like Donald Trump has never made a bad decision in his life.  Undoubtedly any bad decisions would have been someone else’s fault, kind of like the situation with the wee spot of financial trouble he has in Atlantic City.  And with that, it is time for some definitions.

Bad Judgment Call: (mod Eng. compound phrase) -  to make a decision or take an action with negative consequences.

Pity poor Euan Masterson, who was being charged with a count or two of threatening / abusive behaviour to his Ellon neighbours.  Perhaps he didn’t get a very strategic legal advisor after his arrest.  Some lawyers would recommend to their clients acting in an apologetic and contrite fashion.  But this is what Euan did next.

Masterson decided the best thing to do was call a policeman a ‘paedophile’ the day after his arrest. Later, he decided to swear and lunge at a security guard in prison.

When it was time for his trial, he refused to leave his cell, then shouted religious abuse at a court clerk, and acted aggressively to the sheriff.    It is safe to say Masterson made a few bad judgement calls.  If there was any doubt that he’d get a custodial sentence, there’s no doubt now.

Further examples of bad judgment calls can be found many places, but thankfully not at the World’s Greatest Golf Course. Everything is done with the utmost taste and to the letter of the law.  Whether choosing a lovely shade of gold duvet and beautiful decor for the reasonably priced (£295/night) bed and breakfast or designing a splendid concrete fountain with lions and cupids, decisions are well considered.

It is hard to believe, all things considered, that Sarah Malone had never designed a residential golf sports complex before now.

Deciding to go against the agreed plan and erect giant earth bunds and build a parking lot other than was specified could be construed either as bad judgment calls or as slaps in the face to residents, councillors and the planning process.  I am sure however that there is a carefully managed strategic plan the Trump group adhere to in all things, and they don’t go in for egotistical, aggressive toys-out-of-pram reactionary hysterical arbitrary behaviour.

just a happy opportunity to stand around in the cold, wind and darkness, and enjoy a spot of leisure time together

Deciding not to show up for an important meeting with a dozen councillors who have power over your plans is probably just some kind of clever strategy.  Missing this meeting could have simply been a one – off, but then again, the usually omniscient security guards were nowhere to be seen either.

Perhaps the Trump organisation thought doing a no-show was a great stalling tactic to buy more time and kick the (golf) ball into the long grass.  Alas, the long grass is sand-covered, turning brown,  and needs to be sprayed with blue dye.

Perhaps the hope was people at this meeting would think claims against security were exaggerated; it was certainly the first time I’d been there without seeing them driving around perpetually, looking for hardened criminals.

Whatever the reason for the Trump no-show and the lights not being put on, from the councillors and press point of view, this would not have been a bad judgment call – just a happy opportunity to stand around in the cold, wind and darkness, and enjoy a spot of leisure time together.   As mentioned before, were able to see bats and owls – which demonstrated that there was wildlife in the area.

No doubt the sooner Trump is granted leave to keep these lovely, gigantic lights and erect more of them (I  hope he doesn’t have any erection problems), this troublesome wildlife will be pushed out – another bonus.    With people running down to the clubhouse for signs of life, and milling around the parking lot in the cold, it was a very dynamic night, even if it wasn’t in the least ‘vibrant’.

It will be a real treat for ladies in evening wear to negotiate the wind, dark and weather to the temporary marquee to eat their £20 hamburgers at the upcoming event.  Tally ho!

Lying or Deception by Omission (Eng phrase) to deliberately mislead by excluding relevant information.

The Press & Journal is up for a well-deserved award!  The Newspaper Association believes as we all do that this is one of the greatest local newspapers.

There might have been a wee bit of something that looked like lying by omission when they didn’t tell us about the love between editor Damian Bates and his beauty queen Sarah Malone, Trump VP; after all, on one or two occasions it seemed the paper may have shown some slight favouritism towards the Trump project.

I’m sure this accidental amnesia was not in any way meant to mislead readers.  Let’s  support their contention for this newspaper accolade.

Lying by omission might happen if a councillor were to not make full disclosures on their register of interest.  Every councillor has to list what freebies, hospitality, gifts, favours from construction companies, drinks and meals at golf course temporary clubhouses and so on that they receive, otherwise the public would not know if there were any links between councillors and for instance rich American property tycoons.

Such councillors might be influenced by the receipt of such hospitality to favour the interests of their benefactors, and clearly that would be wrong.

A bad judgment call in such a situation would be to not fully complete their register of interest, to send harsh emails to the press, or perhaps to run around meetings with a photo of themselves with a developer, bragging about their relationship.  Old Susannah is happy to confirm that none of our elected councillors would be that dumb.  Obviously.

Now I’m off to put my modest little painting of Union Terrace Gardens into the Aberdeen Artists Society show.  This annual event is great fun, and a great showcase for local talent.  Until next time – Tally ho!

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Old Susannah No. 117 – Marmite Margaret

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  6 Responses »
Apr 122013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

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It was a very warm welcome at the wonderful Blaikiewell’s when I visited over the weekend; it is a great spot.  There is much to do to ensure its future, but certain figures have pledged to help, and hopefully this great sanctuary will carry on.

BrewDog launched its new ‘Fake’ Lager, which  was a huge success.  I had a nice chat with Alicia Bruce, and hope to have an interview with her on Aberdeen Voice shortly.

News-wise Spoiler Alert:  Mrs Thatcher died; North Korea threatens to wage war, and horse meat tainted with the carcinogen ‘Bute’ are in the food chain, despite previous EU assurances this wasn’t the case.

That the EU got something wrong is obviously the surprise of the week.  Worse still, Psy is releasing a ‘serious’ music video, and Kelly Brook accidentally went around with her dress unzipped.

Astonishingly, there was a photographer to hand.

Faced with all these overwhelming developments, and as a mark of something or other, please be advised that this column will be a bit light on the sarcasm this week.  Normal services resume will resume shortly.

On the national scene, Kent Police’s Youth Police and  Crime Commissioner Paris was forced to resign after some of her old tweets came back to haunt her, throwing huge shadows on her role.  Some one-hundred and sixty people went out for the really cool, hip youth police job, but she was the best candidate.  Makes you wonder.

Despite making drug-related and racist tweets prior to taking the job on more than a few occasions, Paris is not a racist, just someone who makes racist remarks to show off.  Confusing her with a racist is an easy mistake to make; apparently all the young people are showing off by trying to look like bigots.

Thankfully nothing like that could ever happen in Aberdeen.  It is not as if there are any would-be youth leaders involved in campaigns at present organising demos, holding meetings, and getting involved with politicians and academics who have previously made any dubious internet postings.  I’m certain our local political parties and august educational institutions would never get involved with anyone with a dubious history.

As Ms Brown learnt, things never really get deleted from cyberspace.  Can you imagine what a web of intrigue would surround such a revelation here?

In life as in death, Margaret has split opinion

There was no shortage of colourful news close to home, either.  I knew our politicians had great talent, but I hadn’t appreciated that faith healing was one of their skills.

We had the one who was able to make money disappear right before our eyes; we named a street after him for a bit.

We have HoMalone who can grow trees on a severely polluted hill. To this goddess a herd of deer were sacrificed (it’s just as well she’s sure those trees will grow: I think more than a few people will be slightly cross if they don’t).  She also could make things disappear, like the people who previously voted Lib Dem.

We also had a councillor who was very gifted with young people, serving on the Youth festival, and kindly offering lifts to any young people who he found walking the streets late at night.  But faith healing.  Wow.

In life as in death, Margaret has split opinion and bitter division erupts. Champagne corks popped in the streets of Glasgow; others mourned her and placed flowers in locations associated with her.

Old Susannah is, as you can imagine, not in the Thatcher fan club.  But I won’t be dancing on her grave, either.

The first person who told me of her death was from a mining family; I can well understand the hatred she inspired in many.  The privatisation of Britain and the selling of the family silverware largely started with her – but others eagerly took up her mantle and mantras.  It’s said that Tony Blair was a sleeper agent of Thatcher’s, and I for one can’t disagree.

She’s gone; many of her destructive policies live on.

There are those who practically want her beatified, and refuse to hear any word against her.  There are those who’d disrupt her funeral.

Gene Roddenberry put forth all sorts of ideas about equality of races and sexes

Once things quieten down, I hope people will increase their focus on the many things that are going wrong under current local, regional and national governments, and start demanding change.

There is a saying ‘only a fool would fight in a burning house’ –  and all things considered, I think we might all be in a burning house together.

This ‘burning house’ proverb is, er, a ‘Klingon’ saying from Star Trek.  Trek’s creator Gene Roddenberry put forth all sorts of ideas about equality of races and sexes, applying wit and logic to problems, science and fact over superstition, and of creating a better world.   One of the episodes had a sub-plot based around the simple benign philosophy of ‘Can I Help?’

I wonder what he’d make of the goings-on today.   He cast people from all races, sexual orientations and religions in his original series.

On that note, it’s time for a few timely definitions

Handbag: (1.  Eng noun) – a satchel or case carried by women filled with personal effects; (2.  Eng verb) – for a woman to suddenly and/or violently carry out a ferocious, withering  verbal attack often while carrying a purse.

Well, the Thatch did give us a new word.  BBC presenters, politicians, her cabinet members and advisers – none were immune from a handbagging from Maggie.

Grown men wept; this was the late 70s and early 80s, and in those somewhat less PC days, our first female PM would rage unbridled abuse on those who dared to look at her oddly, let alone challenge her, in a fashion  which would  be cause for legal action today.

The handbag in question held state documents and god knows what else. Likewise, several latter-day women politicians here in the Deen were known to keep interesting items in their handbags, but that is another matter.

The BBC’s Oliver Lee-Stone has an excellent article cataloguing some of the attacks launched by PM Thatcher on her colleagues, cronies and journalists; many of whom lived in absolute terror of this form of abuse.  In it he quoted Kenneth Baker:-

“”When Maggie was really up against it, she would put her handbag on the cabinet table and take out a well-crumpled paper.  This was the brief that came from no-one knew whom – a friend, or someone who had rung her up.  It was unpredictable, sometimes illuminating, at others weird, sometimes an interesting new light, at others a worthless piece of gossip.  Whenever this happened, the cabinet secretary would pale, and the minister would raise his eyes to the ceiling.”

Alas!  Ironwoman was herself handbagged, in a moment which gave birth to another expression.

A Belgrano Moment: (Mod English phrase) to tell politicians ‘not in my name’ and to call them to account

While the men around her might have quaked with terror, Diana Gould was not having it.  When Ms Gould participated in a BBC question and answer session with Maggie, it was handbags at dawn.

The Falklands war raged; the Belgrano was sunk – while in an exclusion zone.  Margaret T was being interviewed; Sue Lawley, who seems to have been unlucky that day, was given the modern equivalent of the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern treatment – she was fired.  Taking questions from callers, Margaret Thatcher met her match in Diana Gould, Geographer of the Royal Navy.

Maggie held her ground – the Belgrano sinking was the right thing to do.  Gould pulled the rug from under Thatcher’s feet.  Gould wasn’t having it, and sparks and fur flew.  Words fail – the only thing to do is to visit this page, and watch the incident again.

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Old Susannah No. 116 – Black April

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Apr 052013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

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Spring has sprung; all is well; everything is vibrant and dynamic in the Deen and elsewhere.  (If you don’t have any benefits or are on a low income  – then welcome to what the media has dubbed ‘Black April’.  Maybe this means we’re all going to be in the black soon?)

First of all, I had the most wonderful weekend in years – if not ever – down in Chichester.  Willows Animal Sanctuary and Mount Noddy  animal centre were charity beneficiaries of a benefit concert featuring four bands.  If we had things like this here, we’d be the undisputed chief city of culture.

The opening act, Basis,  was very impressive:  not least because they were aged 12 – 15.  They were all fantastic, but the leading vocalist was great, and the girl on bass was quirky, talented and had serious stage presence for someone so young. 

If people their age are writing rock music like this, then rock lives.  They were followed by a jazzy duo called Acoustic who were again highly talented.

I didn’t know what to think in advance of the next act up, Deborah Bonham.

I always disappoint myself for expecting impossibly high standards from some performers.  By the time her set was finished, I felt as if I’d been emotionally clobbered, totally uplifted, enlightened, made tearful and joyful on a wild roller coaster ride at warp speed.

She is undoubtedly the sister of the late, great, unequalled John Bonham.  Deborah Bonham is also undisputedly a performer with a spirit and strength completely of her own making.  There is a new album out, Spirit.  Buy it.  And whatever you do, go see her live.  She should be in Kinross on 5 May.  Expect a proper album review from me shortly.

Then there was a set from Paul Rodgers.

I’d seen him in Bad Company in the 70s, in a few mega concerts in Madison Square Garden in the 80s and 90s with the Firm (Jimmy Page, Tony Franklin and Chris Slade).  The voice is still note perfect, and I genuinely think he was having a great deal of fun.

The audience was wild.  The entire place was singing ‘All Right Now’ – the final encore.  Rodgers’ duet with Bonham was astounding.  Money was raised; awareness was raised.

The real backbone and driving force behind the night was undoubtedly Cynthia Kereluk, Paul’s wife.  I’m reasonably certain she was in two places or more at any given time – on stage doing the main auction; running the silent auction; taking payments for items won, socialising and making sure things ran smoothly.  It should be noted that a main reason that Paul and Cynthia are involved is none other than local girl Sandi Thom, who grew up near Willows, and is a long-term supporter of this great charity.

these people are all committed animal lovers who gave up their time, money and possessions happily

Let’s just say Old Susannah had the time of her life while helping in some small way to help Willows and Mount Noddy.  Believe it or not, it is possible to throw a great musical event without backing dancers, 27 costume changes or artists flying around the space on wires.  You just need talent.

You may well wonder why a concert for Willows was taking place at the opposite end of mainland Britain; fair question.  The answer lies with Willows patrons, Paul Rodgers and his wife Cynthia Kereluk.  The Chichester concert is a yearly event, but now with the new Willows patrons on board, the artists involved graciously decided to raise funds for them as well.

Many of the auction items were the artists’ own treasured personal mementos; these people are all committed animal lovers who gave up their time, money and possessions happily.  Again, this old cynic was moved.

A lovely lady named Hazel knitted a legion of beautiful scarves and gifts; her husband ensured everyone (including me) had transport to wherever they needed to be.  The audience were treated to a fantastic evening, and responded with great generosity and enthusiasm.

I am still overloaded with positive feelings; it is only the behaviour of Iain Duncan Smith and the ConDems and the plight of Blaikiewell’s horse sanctuary that can bring out any satirical writing in me this week.

Blaikiewell horse sanctuary may be turfed out without a new home or suitable financial help to aid the construction of the AWPR.  More on this unacceptable development to follow.  Thanks to those politicians and others who are starting to look into the solution:  I am confident one will be found.

Time for a few definitions stemming from this week’s current events.

Black April: (modern Eng. compound noun) term given to welfare benefit cuts to be rolled out in the UK.

I hope you’ve not all got too comfortable and cosy with your high living standards, because things are going to change around here (well, for most of us anyway).  The ConDems have decided that simply put, there isn’t enough money to go around.

First, there are the bankers we’ve had to bail out over sub-prime mortgage and LIBOR rate fixing scandals (A National Audit Report indicates bankers still owe us now, after repayments, fees and interest a mere £456.33bn, per http://www.guardian.co.uk/credit-crunch ).

Then there is Trident and other completely essential military defence expenses (around £39 billion per year, according to a recent BBC piece – http://www.bbc.co.uk/21271670 ).  Old Susannah admits we need to spend lots on defence.  At present, we only have the capacity to blow the planet up a few times over, and we need to defend all of these spare bedrooms that invading armies will covet.

Then there are those deserving multi-millionaire individuals and companies which are having a hard time sheltering money from the tax man abroad (Vodaphone apparently avoided paying £700 million in tax (best to read Private Eye for more on that story); the amount of money Ian Wood is thought to avoid in tax by moving some employees’ payroll offshore is about £15 million per year).

Then of course, there are the people who are on benefits; this costs around £207 billion pa (according to the bbc article above). This last group is of course the largest group and the most impoverished.   Of all the above groups, someone’s going to have to start paying their fair share.  Well, it wasn’t going to be the bankers, the military or the rich, was it?

If we don’t protect the Wood Group, Vodaphone, Trident and so on, things might get bad for the economy, as opposed to how great things are now.  Here’s how the ConDems are  going to solve our problems.

Bedroom Tax: (modern Eng. compound noun) – a newly-implemented tax whereby benefit claimants in the UK will pay extra tax for having more bedrooms than they ‘need’.

Is there a housing shortage?  This seems likely – many wealthy people can’t have more than a few houses in the countryside and a few pads in big cities because of the demand for housing.  Are you one of the selfish scroungers stopping the rich from owning more homes?  Well, your hour is at hand.

A mere £14 pounds per week as a penalty for this waste of space will come out of your benefits to penalise you for your luxurious extra bedroom.  Too right.  I was speaking to the friend of an elderly woman on a bus this week; she had been assigned a  council flat with two bedrooms (and in luxurious Tillydrone as well).

At the time she was told to take this great flat or go to the bottom of the waiting list.  She foolishly took the flat, not anticipating this logical, fair tax would come in.  Finally, we’re getting her and people like her to pay up.  The country should be back in the black in no time.

Of course there are some factors to consider:  are you sharing custody of a child who will stay with you sometimes?  Are you recovering from illness and need a sick room and extra facilities?  Maybe you are disabled and have a spare bedroom used for equipment/rest/carer needs?  Well – who cares?  You’ll all be stumping up the extra tax.

Old Susannah thinks this logic should be extended.  Why have separate bathrooms, kitchens and bedrooms at all?  Should older or smaller people have any big spaces at all?  Couldn’t children just be kept in hallways, or perhaps we could all go back to sleeping, eating and living all together in one big (but not too big) room?  Horses can stand sleeping up; perhaps we could build some human stabling.  The Japanese have very trendy sleeping pods for commuters; I’m sure we could do something like that here.

I think there are more savings to be made, and I’m sure as soon as Iain Duncan Smith gets his vintage car parked at his mansion, he’ll have time to think of more great money savers.  But you have to admire his greatest concept of all…

The £7 per day budget: (modern political compound noun).  The idea floated by Iain Duncan Smith that it is possible to live on £7 per day – if you have to.  Why wouldn’t we take budget information from a government which spends about £46 billion a year on interest payments?  Read on…

Are you tired of trying fad diets that don’t work?  Well, the government does want us all to avoid obesity and avoid smoking and alcohol.  All they’re really doing is making it easier for us to live healthier lives; I can’t see what’s wrong with asking some people on benefits to live on £7 a day.  All you’ll need to do is get a bit imaginative, and that also is a good thing.

It’s important to remember that almost everyone on benefits is some kind of a cheat, wastrel or scrounger.  Sure there are some retired people who have had to spend their life savings on care/medical treatment; there are people who have been disabled from birth or from accidents.  Still, it’s best just to treat everyone equally in today’s society, and it looks like Iain Duncan Smith (IDS to his friends, if any) wants to treat all on benefits equally.  Seems reasonable.

I also know of a person who lost a limb.  At a recent ATOS assessment, and despite their doctor previously spelling out the situation completely, they were made to undress to prove that they weren’t hiding an extra limb.

Obviously doctors can get things like that wrong, and the guy could have grown his limb back and therefore be fit for work and just shirking. Can’t be too careful at these assessment centres, and if such assessments are just a little bit degrading or humiliating, or if they deem people fit for work who really aren’t, well I guess no system is perfect.

Anyway, here are some  helpful suggestions; you’ll never go back to spending as much as £7 a day again.  IDS says he’s already had to do just that, and that he could do it again.  Of course he could.

If you have a pet, best to just abandon it somewhere

Work out a budget.  £7 a day is a massive £0.29 to spend each hour.  If you don’t mind sleeping say 16 hours a day, you’ll wind up with £0.87 per hour.

Eat healthy.  Water is free; make the most of it.  Water is a great drink and makes a great soup.  Add dandelions and other plants from the roadside.  Don’t boil the water though; that will cost you.   If you have a pet, best to just abandon it somewhere.  They won’t wind up injured, dead, starved, or run over, and you’ll have a delicious selection of their leftover food to eat.

Avoid the bedroom tax – get someone to take a sledgehammer to your interior walls so you just have a studio flat.

Go to shopping malls.  You’ll be warm, you’ll get to look at the latest fashions.  You can try the goods in the mobile phone and computer shops so you’ll be up on the latest technology.  Watch televisions in electrical goods shops – saves on energy at home.  You’ll save on heating as you stay in the mall moving from bench to bench.  You’ll be able to forage for food leftovers, too.

So, you’ll have food, somewhere warm to be, and entertainment.  Bus fare could be a problem though, so best walk anywhere  you need to go.

Ensure that your clothes don’t need replacing; stop  using personal grooming products to save more money, and remember – newspaper makes great insulation under your clothes.

Supplement your income – do you have any extra gold or silver to sell?   Tooth fillings perhaps?  Get to a pawnbroker and get rid of any family heirlooms.  Organ sale might not be legal here, but you can still get money for participating in medical experiments.

Better yet, or if you are IDS:  fill up the Morgan classic car before you have to go a week on £7 per day.  Get one of the staff to lend you some money.  Go stay with a rich friend.  Go on a trip representing the ConDems and get all your expenses paid.  Submit expense claims for your parliamentary work.

You see?  It’s really going to be easier than you think.

Next week:  How to either live on £7 a day, or instead demand your elected officials show a spark of human compassion towards those in need, close tax loopholes, and stop participating in a pointless arms race.

Reasons To Be Cheerful – Part 3

 Featured, Opinion, Satire and Humour  No Responses »
Mar 282013
 

I often have a wee laugh to myself when I read about the cost to the UK economy of the Royal Wedding or a public holiday. It seems that a national bank holiday costs the economy a whopping £2.3 bn according to The Centre for Economics and Business Research (CEBR), writes Duncan Harley.

Snowplough Keith

Of course, if bank holidays or royals can’t be blamed for our economic ills, there is always the weather.
This week’s tabloid headlines have pointed to snow as the real culprit for the recession.
I am guessing that greedy bankers are off the hook, as are western capitalist models of economic theory!

If the snow really is to blame though, 2012 should have been a bumper year for the UK economy, as barely a flake fell during the winter months yet the economy continued to nosedive.

Spare a thought though for the people of Greek Cyprus. It’s a balmy 20C in Nicosia at present with little prospect of snow. In fact the Troodos mountain ski resort website advises, ‘Fresh snow is forecast at 0 resorts. Powder is reported at 0 resorts and 0 are reporting good piste conditions.’

There seems little evidence that snow, or indeed inclement weather, has played any part in the economic woes of that country.

The banks and government of Cyprus are reported to be taking action in an attempt to stop a bank run when branches reopen at 1000 GMT Thursday March 28. The only problem may be that the money may have already moved to colder climes!

As usual, it’s the ordinary Cypriot folk who will lose out as will, of course, thousands of UK expats who had decided to retire to that island paradise and are now stuck with an EEC-led raid on savings which, according to news reports, amounts to a devaluation of capital of up to 30%.

For many Greek Cypriots who lost land and property in the 1974 war with Turkey, this must seem like yet another unfair economic body blow.

The RAF has come to the rescue of forces personnel affected by the crisis by using a Hercules Transport to fly a million or so Euros in small denomination notes from the UK to Cyprus. That’s £850000 @ 2.6 gallons per minute @ £6.27 per gallon. The flight is around 2135 miles and takes 4 hours and 8 minutes.

I can’t even begin to persuade my calculator to work out the cost per Euro per mile of this operation and I suppose a simple bank transfer was indeed out of the question due to the banks in the country being closed for a few days.

However, there is no such rescue package in place for the locals.

cyprus-j Rumours of money laundering via the Cypriot banks abound and there is an emerging scandal about an alleged outflow of money to Eastern Europe, just in time to avoid the bank deposit tax deadline. As is often the case, the rich may well have been forewarned, although they will no doubt claim that they foresaw the disaster and acted in a completely sensible and honest manner.

Somewhat amazingly, the Bank of Cyprus UK’s website still claims that, ‘There are a number of reasons why Bank of Cyprus UK is a safe and attractive home for your savings and a strong banking partner for your business.’

I wonder if anyone will feel able to trust the UK subsidiary of a bank which came within hours of failing, then effectively decided to pay negative interest to its investors?

According to The Guardian, the Bank of Cyprus is 9.7% owned by Dmitry Rybolovlev, a Russian based in Monaco whose wealth is estimated at $9.1bn. I wonder how much Mr Rybolovlev lost in the debacle?

Seemingly another Russian oligarch, Alexander Lebedev, played down the amount he stood to lose in Cyprus as no more than $10,000. ‘It’s not worth talking about,’ he said. ‘Cyprus was always a transit jurisdiction, money would pass through and then go to Lithuania, Latvia, Belize, Switzerland, everywhere.’

Lebedev, the multimillionaire owner of the Evening Standard and Independent, expressed doubts that capital controls, to be imposed by the Cypriot government to stem a bank run, would work.

‘Certain schemes can be put into place,’ Lebedev said, ‘This is how Cyprus was making money.’

Many folk in the UK would associate this process with money laundering although politicians in the ex British colony have strongly denied that that has ever been the case.

Despite such denials, there can be no doubt that there is a strong Russian influence on the Greek Cypriot economy. Indeed the picture-postcard town of Limassol has become jokingly known as ‘Limassolgrad’ by locals with around 30,000 of the municipality’s 183,000 citizens being of Eastern European origin.

Unsurprisingly, the Moscow elite are unhappy. President Putin denounced the EU-IMF plan to eviscerate private bank accounts in Cyprus as ‘unfair, unprofessional and dangerous.’ Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev called the move ‘outright theft’.

The Daily Beast reports, ‘what’s striking about the Kremlin’s spirited opposition to the raid on Cyprus’s banks is that the island is Russia’s preferred destination for hiding and laundering money. In effect, Putin has been standing up for the rights of Russia’s tax avoiders.’

The Kremlin is reported to have been under pressure to increase its 2.5bn Euro loan to the country to bail out the economy. Since the Greek Cypriot national income is 18bn Euros per annum, even the current loan level makes Russia a major player in the cash strapped country’s affairs.

Makes you glad that that the UK is not owned by foreigners.

That is, of course, unless you count:

The Clydesdale Bank, Alliance and Leicester, Jaguar, Land Rover, MG Rover, P&O, Chelsea FC, Manchester United FC, Liverpool FC, BAA, Abbey National, British Steel, Pilkington, Boots, Harrods, ICI, Cadbury, Fortnum & Mason, Rolls-Royce and Bentley Motors , The Dorchester, Innocent, Wiseman’s Dairies and Forth Ports.

Sources:

Reasons to be Cheerful (Inspired when roadie Charley almost got electrocuted in Italy by a microphone stand while leaning over a mixing desk. Another roadie saved his life.): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reasons_to_be_Cheerful,_Part_3

Snow blamed for economic gloom: http://www.nebusiness.co.uk/business-news/latest-business-news/2013/02/16/heavy-snow-blamed-for-shock-fall-in-retail-sales-51140-32819692/

Cost of public holidays: http://metro.co.uk/tag/centre-for-economics-and-business-research/

Cyprus Banks: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/mar/26/cyprus-banks-closed-prevent-run-deposits

Money Laundering: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/03/26/moscow-s-mysterious-move-on-cyprus.html

Bank of Cyprus UK: http://www.bankofcyprus.co.uk/Business-Banking/

UK brands owned abroad: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2129507/Britain-sale-Uniquely-world-Britain-sold-half-companies-foreigners-And-paying-price.html

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 115 – Self Knowledge

 Articles, Opinion, Satire and Humour  7 Responses »
Mar 282013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

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What a week it’s been.  Firstly (before the satire sets in), I have been asked to convey thanks to the Formartine councillors who took the logical, courageous, sensible, prudent step of deferring the planning permission Trump had asked for.

Several Aberdeenshire residents asked me to write on their behalf to the councillors in question, asking them not to approve the retrospective permission.  These residents, and plenty more, are very pleased with the outcome, and hope to see the bunds down – and Trump Golf International forced to comply with what was approved.

If the councillors visit the Munro’s now-dark kitchen and look out the window at the bund which blocks the light as well as the view, they cannot fail to vote to take the bund down. 

Thanks to the residents, those who lobbied, and above all, to the person who found out the shire had changed documents on this application, yet still recommended approval.

I had a delicious meal at Norwood Hall this week, enjoying some fun and games courtesy of Team Challenge.

There was a crazy golf game set up.  It cost far less than £200 or so to play, there wasn’t sand and snow blowing at the players, none of the course disintegrated, and coffee and a sandwich didn’t break the bank.  No security guards jumped out in front of me as I prepared to putt; I even got a hole in one.  Thanks Norwood and Team Challenge.

fisher_brewdog_montage_for_os_ I made a brief visit or two to BrewDog, which continues to be a great place to enjoy the odd half or two, and talk to interesting, friendly people.

Long may it run.

My photo shows some sensational new wall art by BrewDog’s Fisher; he’s organised it so undergrads from Gray’s can hang work up in the bar, too. Expect the first art in a few days.

There is a fundraiser for Willows down in Chichester this Saturday night; I’m very happy to be going.  Patron Paul Rodgers and his wife Cynthia will be there; Paul’s performing, as is…. Deborah Bonham, who has a new album imminent.  (If you didn’t know, she is sister to the late, great, unequalled John Henry Bonham of Led Zeppelin).

There will be an auction of memorabilia afterwards as well. (This sounds like my idea of heaven).  It is hoped that a concert can take place closer to Willows sometime, but this night is for two charities and the performers are based in that part of the world.  Willows own open day is this Sunday; let’s hope the weather improves for their sake and the sake of all animals.

But now it’s time for a few relevant definitions based on this week’s events; this week with an eye on the modern self.

Self-harming: (Modern English compound noun) The act of inflicting deliberate injury on oneself, often involving bloodletting and sharp instruments; an emotional illness.

Perhaps the most bizarre health-related story of this or any other recent week concerns those poor souls who self-harm.  Thankfully, this is the 21st century, and the latest psychological treatments are at hand to help.

Unsted Park School has this unfortunate malaise in hand.  Well, actually, one of its teachers hands out sterilised blades to self-harmers.

According to the BBC, a school spokeswoman said:-

“This was a short-term, local procedure introduced by the head teacher and school principal who genuinely believed it was in the best interests of the pupil.

“However, they accept that the procedure should not have been implemented without further approvals having been obtained from key stakeholders and senior management prior to its introduction.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-21941578

This amazing statement has failed to impress school inspection officials, who for some reason find dishing out razor blades to emotionally-disturbed young people ‘deeply worrying.’  You don’t say.

For ‘stakeholders’ read friends and family, who some feel just might want to have a say in whether or not their friend, daughter, son or sibling was given a way to self-harm.

Apparently we are supposed to be happy that this was ‘supervised’ and that the blades were sterilised.  We wouldn’t want anyone getting hurt while self-harming, would we?  And you thought you’d heard everything.

It would be rather nice to know who this teacher was, what approval they had received and from whom for this great scheme, what psychological training they had, and to know what in the heck they were thinking to actually think this was in anyone’s best interest.  Wherever this teacher gets their ideas from needs serious investigation.

Self-justification: (noun) Rationalising one’s own methods and actions.

Looking through a Press & Journal this week, I learnt that the ‘Tree for Every Citizen’ Scheme was a great success! Although this gave me déjà vu to see in print, it’s won an award!

Those behind this huge success story told the P&J that the scheme was opposed by some animal rights activists, but it’s an award-winning, tree-celebrating, all-singing, all-shooting success.  I’m so happy to hear it.

Only a pedant would point out that the local community councils wanted to keep the meadowland and the deer they had – a herd which had wandered the hill for over 70 years with no problems or over-population issues.

Only a petty mind would care that Chris Piper, man behind the scheme, made about £70,000 from the City, and over £100,000 was spent to turn our meadow into a defoliated mess.  Trees at St Fitticks are growing, says the City Council, so it must be true.  Of course they are no taller than they were two years ago (well, the tree protector tubes that aren’t actually hollow anyway).

The area is choked with weeds, but if the city and the P&J say it’s a successful scheme, then who am I, thousands of local residents who signed a petition, the Scottish SPCA, Animal Concern Advice Line, and a host of political figures to disagree?

Couldn't we have left a little gorse for overwintering and early nesting species? Bulldozing gorse, killing deer, getting rid of the wildlife we had from butterflies and birds to small mammals and deer – these can all be explained away by Tallboys, HoMalone and Piper – they had to kill this wildlife so that they would make a home for wildlife later on.

The trees newly planted on the hill are already surrounded by taller weeds.

The SNH told us to spend time and money ensuring that weeds didn’t hinder the scheme for a second time (it’s already cost us £43,800). For some reason, none of this gets into the Press & Journal.  I wonder why.

More tellingly, there is not a single photo in the P&J showing what the hill looks like now.

If you want to see our own war zone, go and visit it for yourself, or see older photos in Aberdeen Voice.  But as long as a handful of self-enriching, self-aggrandising people behind this scheme are happy, than what’s the wishes of thousands of others and our previous wildlife haven in comparison?

Self-Deluding: (compound noun) State of convincing one’s self that an untruth is actually true.

Mr Trump says offshore wind farms,  which sadly for him  were approved this week, will destroy Scotland.

For some years now, I thought it would be acceptable to have an offshore wind farm.  Even though someone as astute and as big an environmentalist as Donald Trump said it was a horrible idea, I thought there might be some merit in wind over nuclear energy or some other fracking nonsense.

Well, earlier this week I was nearly convinced that Mr Trump was right all along.

Again I look this week to the Press & Journal for my facts:  and what I saw at first terrified me.  The paper showed a picture of St Nicholas House, coming in at around 174 feet high, and next to it, towering over it (!) was a wind turbine which could actually be over 600 feet tall!  I’m not kidding!

My first reaction was of course complete horror:  “Did everyone know that an offshore wind turbine can actually be even taller than St Nicholas House?  Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I wondered.   I’d never have guessed!

The paper’s position seems to be that wind turbines, or windmills as Donald  Trump likes to call them, of this size would of course ruin Scotland not only for tourists – but for golfers as well, and we can’t have that obviously.

Perhaps we should back a call not to put any 600 ft windfarms in town next to St Nicholas House.

It’s an amazing bit of coincidence that the paper and Donald Trump are against windfarms, and keep repeating what a nightmare offshore windfarms would be if near The Donald.  They do say great minds think alike.  Then again, they also say fools seldom differ, particularly if one really rich fool hires the wife of a fool who wants advertising revenue.

Thinking over this great illustration for a nanosecond or two, I became less alarmed.  While I’m sure the P&J meant well, and aren’t  trying to cause any panic, I would like to refer whoever wrote this to an old episode of the inimitable Father Ted. 

Ted and Dougal are in a caravan on holiday (but obviously not in Scotland because there isn’t enough golf and there are windfarms).  Father Ted holds a plastic toy cow, shows it to Dougal, and points out the window to some farm animals in a faraway field.   Dougal seems baffled, looking from the plastic cow in his hand to the cows and bulls in the field.

“This looks big,” Ted says to Dougal, “but those are very, very far away.” Ted explains.

Perhaps a wind farm far off shore would not look as big as one next to St Nicholas House?  A wild theory, but I’ve enough self-confidence to put it out there.  In the meantime, no doubt Trump and the P&J will keep repeating their line that windfarms must go.

Keep repeating it gentlemen; you’ll eventually start to believe it.

Self confidence: (noun) A condition of self-awareness and acceptance; being at ease with one’s self.

In this age, self-confidence is essential to get by.  Self confidence is necessary in business and social situations , but remember, girls must not be very self-confident, or they run the risk of being ‘full of themselves’, a sin men are rarely guilty of.

It must be a hard thing to be a man in today’s world and lack self-confidence.  Take for a moment (or just take full stop) one Mr Donald Trump.

This retiring wallflower billionaire recluse should really think about getting himself some public relations.  He’s rarely mentioned in the press, despite all his good works. His name and winsome photo only appear in the media if he goes somewhere, says something, sneezes, holds a golf club, or gets on or off of an airplane.

He should really stop hiding his light under a bushel.  For instance, he stated to a government inquiry that he considers himself to be an environmentalist.  Try as I might, I can’t find any news stories to back this up.

Perhaps there is some way he can ingratiate himself further still with the Scottish public.  Does he have any Scottish ancestry, I wonder?  Perhaps he could get a coat of arms made up; this would impress us all.

Sad to say, but a lack of self-confidence can come from a lack of personal grooming skills.  Perhaps he should let his hair down a bit more or something.  Perhaps a trip to the dentist might help; on those rare occasions he is seen in the press, the faces he makes suggests wisdom tooth issues or badly fitting dentures.  Good luck to you Donald; we’re all behind you (one way or the other).

I think we’d best leave it there for now.  A very Happy Easter Weekend to those celebrating it.  Whatever you celebrate or don’t celebrate, the National Trust has some great activities for families this weekend (and there is the Willows open day, too).  Let’s hope for some continued warmer weather.

Special Easter Egg Hunt Competition:  Hidden in this satirical column are one or two grammatical errors!  Yes really!  If our sub editor doesn’t spot them, not only will they have their salary withheld, but the first reader to point out the grammatical/spelling errors will win the sub editor’s AV salary for the week!

Tally Ho!

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Old Susannah’s Journal No. 114 – Stop (the) Press!

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  12 Responses »
Mar 212013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

Tally Ho! Apologies for the late running of this column.

For one thing I’ve been a bit tied up with issues at the Menie Estate.  I’ve compiled a report covering some of the little issues people have with the galaxy’s greatest golf course and Mr Trump. Leaving aside boring issues such as the quality of life for residents, visitors and wildlife, it was a huge honour to be one of the first people to see the brand new plaque by the course’s temporary (?) clubhouse.

This plaque tells you the course has been ‘weaved’ through the ‘largest dunes in the world’.

Of course it has.  I wonder whether The Donald wrote this brilliant prose himself, or if one of our BiG local PR agencies devised it for him.  It is very inspirational – I just won’t tell you what I felt inspired to do.

While at the course I had hoped to interview some of the thousands of new employees working in the promised golf jobs, and ask what was going on with the millions of pounds of income generated.  I couldn’t find these new employees – perhaps they were all out counting their money.  However, I was lucky enough to see one of the rarest forms of wildlife, the lesser-spotted Sarah Malone-Bates.

It was wearing a bright pink blouse (which was interesting, as the rest of us needed coats, hats and gloves).  She must have been cold, but a little suffering is the price of beauty.  (I note that there are a few beauty contests coming up in our area; isn’t it great to know how important looks are, and what humanitarian ends beauty contest winners can get up to.

Some say beauty is skin deep; others that beauty is as beauty does.  I wonder what Mrs Maloney-Baloney thinks.  They also say you get the face you deserve by the time you’re 40.  I wonder what Mr Trump thinks on that score).

Other than that, there has been so much activity of late that it’s hard to know where to start.

First, a thank you to the nice people at Lunan Farm Shop & Cafe, who helped me when my mobile phone got lost.  I was quite put out, worried I might miss a call asking me to join ACSEF, or offering me a vice-presidency job at Trump International.  I have my phone back now, and am awaiting those calls which should come any day now.

What Lunan and the Farm Shop/Cafe lack in connectivity and vibrancy, they make up for in other ways and then some.  Like being nice and serving real food.

As per usual an amazing visit to BrewDog; their man Fisher has painted an amazing black and white mural there, and starting 25/3, the walls will feature artwork from up and coming area residents.

What’s clean air and wildlife compared to someone somewhere making money?

When I go jogging around Nigg Bay, there are more and more other joggers to be seen, as well as walkers, cyclists, golfers and wildlife spotters.  We’re all thrilled to think the Harbour Board wants to ruin the last stretch of coastline with potential harbour expansion.  Money before environment has worked really well in Aberdeenshire.

We’ve got a great situation at Menie, with compromised SSSIs, we’ve got some of the top ten most polluted roads (funny that includes roads near the harbour), and a sewage plant.  Let’s just finish the job, deal nature a final blow, and turn Nigg Bay into a money-maker, too.  What’s clean air and wildlife compared to someone somewhere making money?

Before getting to some definitions,  there is some sad news.  A gentle giant, humble, meek and softly-spoken has left Aberdeen City Council (no, not Pete Leonard.  Yet).  Perhaps you’d best sit down (if you’re not already):  Gerry Brough has left – resigned.

Without Gerry, we couldn’t have spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on the City Garden Project, which brought so much harmony to our city.  His timid, mild behaviour at meetings might have made him easy to overlook, but let’s look at some of his many accomplishments.

Without Gerry, we might have had a chance to vote ‘No’ to building in UTG when presented with the shortlist of ‘designs’ for turning UTG into shops and parking.  Where would we have been then?

He selflessly ‘donated’ about 11 hours per week of his own time to sit on various City Garden Project committees, with no thought of eventual reward, disregarding EU work-time directives.  I’m sure his family felt deprived of his sunny disposition.

Some might say this free work done by Brough Trade was a smokescreen to make it look as if the project didn’t cost anything to the taxpayer and to help him get in with the ACSEF mob or the odd billionaire.  But I knew he had a good heart.  A heart of granite.

For some strange reason, several of the shops have folded, and one became an internet business

Who else will represent Aberdeen in Houston and Grenoble? We flew him there for very important meetings and conventions last year.  If those important meetings coincided with cuts to services for the elderly and school facilities, it was worth it.  Then there was the way he was fair to both sides of the garden referendum debate.

His involvement in how the referendum question was worded was sadly not appreciated by the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens.  Gerry said at the time the FOUTG were trying to ‘undermine’ the process.

If by undermining it he meant not accepting 11th hour wording changes or being railroaded into a lamely-worded question, Gerry was right. (see also http://aberdeenvoice.com/2011/12/utg-referendum-question-already-soured/ ).

He also helped give us ’Retail Rocks!’ in Torry.  On the one hand, it brought shops back into use.  Well, for a few months anyway.  Even if this rocking scheme created unfair advantage for the new shopkeepers over existing businesses, and took tens of thousands of taxpayer pounds in the process, it’s what Gerry wanted. I think this was really just his way of helping to stimulate the economy (for consultants and shopfitters).

For some strange reason, several of the shops have folded, and one became an internet business.  It is almost as if having a shop premise selling goods isn’t as profitable as selling goods on the intranet.  Still, this kind of forward-thinking scheme won an award of some kind.

Some people would say that service industries are a better way to go to get empty shops filled, lower rates for all ‘ma and pa’ businesses would also help, and using empty shops for artwork displays, events, charity fundraisers and so on would stimulate high street growth.  But Gerry knew best, and now, <sob>  he’s gone.

Rumours of Independent, Labour, Conservative politicians joining 99% of the ACC staff in dancing on tables and celebrating with BrewDogs are unconfirmed.  Adios Ger.

This week there are many interesting developments concerning freedom of the press:  i.e. – there might not be much of it going forward.  Here are a few definitions to try and make sense of what happened to the media, and what might happen.

Monopoly: (Eng. noun) – situation in which one person or company owns all or nearly all of a given resource or market sector putting them in a completely dominant position.

Aside from Private Eye magazine and a few quirky politicians, the UK government bent over backward to allow Rupert Murdoch to get as near a monopoly over the UK’s media, print and broadcast as was possible.  Quite right too.  It was June 2010, Rupe had the Sun, the Times, and he wanted BSB too.

What could possibly be wrong with one person controlling the majority of the media?  Why nothing.  As one professor put it:-

“It is vital to guard against just having a knee-jerk, ideological objection to Mr Murdoch – his companies produce an exceptionally large amount of very high quality content” – Tim Luckhurst, Professor of journalism at the University of Kent
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10317856

I guess I should define ‘high quality content’ sometime.

Murdoch’s empire dwarfed the BBC, and outbid them on major sports programmes which Rupert then put on satellite television, where everyone could watch for a small fee.  Or for a giant fee if you wanted to play a game in your pub or bar.  Everyone was happy.  Well, Rupert was.

The funny thing about having a monopoly and being allowed by government and the police to do whatever you want is that you might start thinking you can do whatever you want.  With the government giving Murdoch the green light for media dominance, and a few scattered police men and women having cosy meetings with News  Corporation operative, things started getting a wee bit dodgy.

The Sun started to get a little adventurous and creative when landing important stories.  Its intrepid investigative reporters devoted their time to finding sex scandals, up skirt shots, hiring private detectives to do a spot of wire-tapping, and paying the paparazzi to take all-important intrusive photos of celebrities and their children.

I’m sure those involved in these activities were free to pursue any journalistic directions they wanted, free from any controlling editors or a right-wing proprietor.  Ah, the golden days of press.  Or was that yellow journalism.

Whatever it was, we bought it.  Profits weren’t that great on the print side, but this was offset by the satellite arm of the empire.  And so it went.  Perhaps the print media also made one or two subtle political hints echoing whichever politician Murdoch favoured.  If so, it was far too subtle for Old Susannah to pick up on.

Leveson Inquiry: (Compound proper English noun).  An inquiry into a variety of press scandals, leading to recommendations for press regulation.

Believe it or not, over the years, there have been one or two scandals in British establishments.  In fact there were one or two minor issues in the banking sector not all that long ago.  These resulted in economic meltdown, loss of the UK’s AAA rating, and austerity measures (unless you worked for a bank or were in government of course).

The government acted swiftly to give the banks a stern talking to, and a few billion pounds to tide them over.  Then followed one or two other minor scandals involving sub-prime mortgages and manipulation of the  LIBOR rates.

These were swiftly followed by more slaps on bankers’ wrists, and lots more subsidies.  That showed them.  Some people point to close links between the ConDems and banking executives, but I’m sure our elected officials would never allow favouritism to cloud their judgment.

Banks weren’t alone in behaving badly for profit.  Newspapers have been involved in one or two unsavoury activities recently, too.  Don’t worry though, the police were on the case.  Or should I say the police were on the take.

Police officials and hacks met for expensive meals in nice London restaurants  Blind eyes were turned; Police and MoD officials pocketed cash from the Sun, and police detectives helped the papers with stories in exchange for money. All the while paparazzi photographers took long-lens shots at celebrities and children of same, to go with stories often obtained illegally.

News was getting replaced by celebrity gossip trash.  The public protested by buying more and more copies of ‘OK!’  ‘Hello!’ ‘I Have No Life Of My Own!’ and so on.

Things went too far; even the police and government couldn’t continue to pretend they weren’t in bed with the tabloids.

You would think that the existing laws could have been enforced at the time

Something must be done, or something had to be seen to be done. It was time for another long, expensive inquiry.  No doubt there would be some outcomes from Leveson criticising how the police were both complicit and enabling to all this phone tapping and story selling.

You could be forgiven for thinking the way forward would be to ensure that paparazzi and reporters are stopped from illegal intrusions and entrapment, and are ordered to respect privacy, especially the privacy of innocent people and children.  You would be wrong.

You would think that the existing laws could have been enforced at the time by a switched-on, honest police force.  But think again.

For the bankers, stern words and subsidies were the answer.  After all, they’ve only cost the taxpayer a few billion in bail-outs.  For the fifth estate, which is historically meant to be a check on politicians, the remedy is different.

Instead of enforcing the laws we already have, the politicians have a great idea:  the press will be held accountable to politicians.  No one is accountable for allowing the monopoly to be created, no code of conduct will be created for the police to ensure they obey and enforce laws, and stop taking hospitality from the press.

No, the entire media sector is solely at fault, not just the tabloids.  Or so they would have you think, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course the details of how regulation will work are sketchy; there are more questions than answers concerning  proposed press regulatory bodies and mandatory sign-up to a government code on the press.

There goes some 400 years of freedom, just to punish the antics of the monopoly press which got away with Murdoch for years.  It’s almost as if government wanted to get control over the entire media sector, and weren’t happy with its history of exposing crooked politicians, out-of-control MOD budgets, NHS management failures, sexed-up dossiers getting us into the Iraq war, and so on.

I for one will find the new government-controlled news much easier to digest

What will this mean to bloggers, small publishers, satire writers?  Possibly ‘exemplary’ fines, lawsuits galore, and lots of rich lawyers.  We just don’t’ know yet.  What will this mean to investigative journalism?

For years we’ve been fed a populist diet of magazines filled with celebrities who are considered too fat one day and too thin the next.  There are shots of stars who get drunk, who have ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ who go out with other stars and then break up.  It’s just as well we’ve taken these important issues to heart – going forward this might be the only kind of news we get.

I for one will find the new government-controlled news much easier to digest.  From now on instead of investigating council waste, issues at the Menie Estate and abuses of office, I can start writing about who’s wearing what, what new beauty queens have been crowned, and how thin or fat they are.

Still, there is one ground-breaking development Old Susannah is happy to share…

Augmented Reality: (modern compound noun)

New technology coming soon to an Aberdeen Journal publication near you!

There I was, wondering about the future of newspapers.  And then I saw this:-

“Make your Evening Express come to life

“App lets readers see videos and images

“Published: 06/03/2013

“Bookmark with:

“Share on linkedinShare on facebookShare on twitterShare on emailShare on gmailShare on stumbleuponShare on favoritesMore Sharing Services

“THE Evening Express today unveiled a revolutionary new way of allowing our readers to interact with the paper.

“Video and 3D images can pop up from the printed page thanks to the innovative new scheme.

“Dubbed augmented reality (AR), the application involves the reader holding their phone over a “trigger” advert, resulting in a series of 3D images and videos displayed through the user’s phone.”

Can we really use our phones to augment my reality?  Yes we can!  I can see it now:  3D Stewart Milne homes, 3D views of Trump golf courses.  Then again, the photos of the Trump course in the recent P&J Golf Supplement look just a bit greener and neater than any photos I’ve managed to take to date.  Could someone be augmenting the reality of the greens?

Maybe we could have augmented reality photos of our councillors as well.  They say this technology can make people seem life-like.  For some of our elected reps, this will be quite an improvement.

Time to go find a copy of ‘OK!’ and see what’s going on in the world.  If I’m not thrown in jail, we’ll see what’s up next week.

PS – For some odd reason Labour are not happy with P&J coverage of a recent event. 

This is very surprising.  Most of us aren’t happy with their coverage of any events.  While they rammed a granite web down our throats and perpetuated the myth it was cost-free, they accidentally forgot to mention  Trump’s VP marrying their editor and skirted the slight bias this might mean.

They seem to have implied a man up in court for drug-dealing was a Labour member/activist; he wasn’t.

The P&J printed the full-page Trump anti-wind farm ad referring to Lockerbie, but refused to take an ad, pre-referendum, from the Friends of Union Terrace Gardens for being ‘too political’.  Its sister paper called those who voted against Trump ‘neeps’ and ‘traitors’.

It said that two deer had died in advance of the Tullos Hill deer slaughter (the deer died two full years earlier, of unknown causes – as wild animals are known to do on occasion).  Other than that, what’s not to like?

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Old Susannah No. 113 – Politics And Religion

 Opinion, Satire and Humour  3 Responses »
Feb 282013
 

Voice’s Old Susannah takes a look over the past week’s events in the ‘Deen and beyond. By Suzanne Kelly.

dictionary

Could spring be around the corner? The weather is improving, a ‘the green shoots of the economic recovery’ (as the Tories used to say) are nearly as vibrant and dynamic as the blue-green dyed grass on Trump International’s  4th hole.  Old Susannah has been taking advantage of the warm weather, and had a few lovely coastal walks recently.

On the 16th I walked around the Menie coastline with a friend from Aberdeen Voice.  The Trump international people have accidentally locked a few gates shut, almost as if to discourage walkers.
No doubt once this is brought to their attention, they’ll remedy the situation.

I guess this will have to wait until the Maloney-Baloney honeymoon is over.  Which it will be soon enough. 

Elsewhere further down the coast I had a pleasant jog/run around the Torry lighthouse and Nigg Bay.  With the good weather lots of people were enjoying themselves on the coast and at Torrymelinos.  How wonderful it will be when the industrial harbour extends itself into these SSSI areas filled with protected wildlife.

We here in the Radon City can be proud of one of our environmental records which no other Scottish city seems to be able to match these many years; more of our city streets show up in the lists of top ten most polluted Scottish streets than any other city can manage.  Result!

According to the latest from  Friends of the Earth, Wellington Road, Union Street and Market Street are highly placed for various forms of air pollution.  Well done.  http://www.foe-scotland.org.uk/news030213 .

As we know, that sort of environmental nonsense doesn’t count for much around here, especially if there are jobs to be created and money to theoretically be made (for a few anyway).  We could have done even better if we’d have got rid of those old trees in Union Terrace Gardens and put up some concrete (sorry – granite).

Even further still down the coast, Old Susannah had another walk with a friend on Lunan Bay.  It was ‘underused’.  I’m sure it could be put to more practical use and made more crowded; perhaps a golf course and a few  hundred homes would do the trick.

The area is rather spoilt at one end of the bay, as an old, boring red structure looms over the scene.  It must have some health and safety issues, and probably should be torn down for a shopping mall.  Apparently it is called the Red Castle, and in some boring old past time some guy named William the Conqueror built it (bad job, William, it’s falling down).

Then other guys named  Robert the Bruce and William Wallace used it, too.

I’m sure people visiting Scotland aren’t interested in this kind of thing, and would rather shop and eat – let’s hope Visit Scotland and Scottish Enterprise can spend some of our tax money on a nice development study for Lunan, like they did for the Menie Estate.

Overall, things are just a bit confusing this past week in the Granite City, the McCote d’Azure (formerly known as Balmedie, now famous for its turquoise dyed grass), and the wider world.  It’s hard to know where to begin with all the exciting developments.  But I’ll make a start.  Here are some definitions relevant to this week’s current events.

Inappropriate Behaviour: (mod Eng phrase)  conduct which is beyond what is accepted in societal norms; often sexual, unbalanced and/or aggressive in nature.

They say you should never discuss religion and politics. At the moment, that philosophy would leave almost nothing to talk or write about.

We’ve had the shocking spectacle of people of the same sex  in love wanting to get married.  Thankfully, our most senior religious figures have been there to condemn this outrageous concept, leading by example.  None other than the UK’s Cardinal Keith O’Brien was one such outspoken guardian of our morals.  Well, until recently.

O’Brien was at first slightly tolerant of homosexuality; then he came out (as it were) against same-sex marriages.  Now his behaviour is being called ‘inappropriate.’ O’Brien apparently had a more liberal outlook in his early days climbing the greasy pole of church hierarchy.

However, his views on same sex marriage included quotes such as:-

“The empirical evidence is clear, same-sex relationships are demonstrably harmful to the medical [yes, he  really said that], emotional and spiritual wellbeing of those involved, no compassionate society should ever enact legislation to facilitate or promote such relationships, we have failed those who struggle with same-sex attraction and wider society by our actions;

and apparently,

“Down with this sort of thing;

and,

“Careful now.”

O’Brien is now resigning because of alleged  ‘inappropriate behaviour’ towards other priests.  If Old Susannah understands correctly, this  means he can’t vote for the next pope, who is resigning immediately (from a scandal-riddled institution), possibly because of some kind of scandal about to break.

I’m not one to knock the churchgoing or bash the bishops, but I’m starting to get a sneaking suspicion that there may be some flaws in the very fibre of the church.  Whether or not he went around saying ‘Drink!  Feck!  Arse!  Girls!  Boys!’ is yet to be confirmed or denied.  But it looks as if someone is up for a de-frocking (in an appropriate way of course – I think the ‘inappropriate’ in the church will be told to ‘frock off.’).

Inappropriate behaviour in the religious spotlight at the moment also seems to include financial inconsistencies, which if a group of men take vows of poverty while living in palaces surrounded by art treasures and wealth could just be a problem.  I’m sure any missing money was just resting in someone’s account.

Inappropriate behaviour, sex scandals, child abuse, ignored abuse, lying, financial inconsistencies… these are not just the domain of the religious; the LibDems seem to like a bit of it, too.  I wonder if a nice cup of tea would help.  G’wan.

Inquiry: (modern compound English noun) 1.  to examine a situation and learn lessons to avoid a repetition; 2.  to issue a big, baffling report at the end of a few months’ of expensive taxpayer-funded testimony which clears the government of wrongdoing.

Nearly as clearly as the above situation, we have the case of Lord Rennard, and what the LibDems knew, didn’t know or suspected.  Nick Clegg gave one of his straightforward interviews to save the day and let everyone know where the LibDems stood.

From his statement we can determine that yes, Clegg knew of abuse rumours, but no he didn’t really know anything, but yes, the police are investigating, but no Clegg  did not look into it when it arose, but yes, it was ‘all a long time ago’, but no Clegg and the LibDems ‘cannot provide a running commentary on every shred of speculation’.

And they say the guy is wishy-washy and prone to u-turns.

He told Sky News:

“I understand there are many people who appear to want to act as self-appointed detectives trying to piece together events that happened many years ago, but the only way that we are going to get to the bottom of the truth, the only way we are going to ensure that the women whose allegations were broadcast on television last week are properly listened to, the only way were are going to establish exactly what happened and who knew what and when, is by allowing the two investigations that I established immediately after the Channel 4 broadcast to do their job and, indeed, to allow the police, whom we have now approached, to do their job as well.

“And in the meantime I cannot and my party cannot provide a running commentary on every shred of speculation about events which happened many years ago.”

Clegg does in his words ‘want to get to the bottom’ of the truth.  What he’ll do when he finally hits rock bottom is another matter.  Better late than never, though.

Still, with two government inquiries announced, we’ll have the truth in no time, just like we did after government inquiries into the sexed-up dodgy dossier that got us into the Iraq war, the mysterious death of Dr Kelly, the petrol pricing inquiry, and so on.

But as Nick Clegg helpfully pointed out a few times to the press, the scandal and abuse was ‘all a long time ago,’ (so it can’t really matter).

You have to wonder why the victims of sexual abuse just don’t pop down to a friendly police station and report abuse.  What could be less traumatic and simpler than finding a sympathetic, understanding government institution to get swift, fair justice?

Operation Sapphire: (modern English compound noun) a Police initiative in south London to address sexual crime.

Result!  A South London police initiative to help victims of sexual crime!  No doubt they would treat victims with great dignity, understanding and offer support.

Or, as came out in the news this week, they could just tell victims that the police wouldn’t be interested in getting any justice, and they should just forget it.

I guess they think this is a great way not only to keep the reported crime statistics low, but also to save taxpayer money on costly trials and even costlier jail sentences (not that many rapists get convicted anyway).  That’s what they seemed to think anyway, as they helpfully, sympathetically told rape victims not to press charges.  Brilliant.

“The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said Southwark Sapphire unit in south London “encouraged” victims to withdraw allegations to boost detection rates.

“The Metropolitan Police said substantial changes had been made.”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21586786

It looks as if at least one accused rapist who was let off the hook went on to kill a couple of children per the above report.  Well, stuff happens.  It’s not as if there is any reason to think a violent sexual predator would pose a long-term threat, is there?

Let’s face it, being a police officer can be stressful.  I hope these victims of violent crime can think about the effect their stories might have on the police before they go around upsetting them by making allegations.

Back in 2009, the UK had the worst rape conviction rate in Europe. It seems some people in power might want to keep it that way.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/

I hope these little definitions will help to give everyone the faith in our institutions that they deserve.  As the ConDems will be the first to tell you, ‘we’re all in this together.’  Indeed we are.

Next week:  a look at some great letters I’ve received from government branches, hopefully an update on the SNH’s plans to shoot 700 deer in Scotland out of season, and more definitions.

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Unwanted Calls

 Featured, Opinion, Satire and Humour  5 Responses »
Feb 282013
 

Hall Harper looks at the phenomenon of unwanted telephone calls and offers some suggestions on how to deal with them.

unwanted-calls I suspect there are few, if any, of us who have never had an unwanted telephone call – and I’m not talking here about ones from great uncle Charlie asking if you could see your way clear to lend him a couple of bob, unwanted as these may be.

No, I’m talking about the ones from a range of organisations who want to sell you insurance, double glazing, a new kitchen or, the current favourite, the opportunity to handle your PPI claim.

In fairness, I’m willing to accept that these come from victims of the current economic situation who have been unable to find employment other than sitting in a call centre somewhere for a pittance. 

So while I am extremely unlikely to even consider buying whatever it is they’re trying to sell I will, I hope, let them down fairly politely with a “sorry, but I’m afraid I’m not interested.”

The ones, however, that really do get to me are the scam calls – the ones from (usually) a foreign lady or gentleman who tell you that they’re ‘phoning from Windows and have had it drawn to their attention by their technical department that your computer is currently at risk.  The scenario, I understand, which is supposed to unfold is that they offer to sort the problem for you for a small charge which can be paid by advising the caller of your credit or debit card details.

Needless to say, there is no technical department, nor is there a problem with your computer.  There is, however, a problem when you provide your bank details and the folk calling you swick you out of your hard earned spondulicks.

There are, I’ve found, a number of ways to deal with these calls depending upon your mood and the time you have available.  So if you’re totally stretched for time or are just not in the mood to indulge in any sort of communication, the simplest thing to do is hang up at the point you realise it’s a scam call.

The next step up is when you’re short of time but want, at the very least, to score a minor victory by having the last word.  Again the way to achieve this is quite simple.  You simply take a well known Anglo-Saxon expletive and use it in a two word phrase ending with ‘off’ before hanging up.

The point is to see how long it takes the caller to terminate the conversation

If, however, you have a bit of time on your hands and want a bit of fun (and remember you’re not paying for the call, they are) there are a few jolly japes available, the point of which is to see how long it takes for the unwanted caller to hang up on you.

The first is the one unashamedly stolen from a television ad which is when you sweetly ask the caller to, “please hang on a moment,” lay the receiver down and go and make yourself a coffee, do the crossword, go and do the shopping if you want – they’ll give up sooner or later.  (I did this one time and kept quietly listening in from time to time to see how long they hung on.  Surprisingly it was over ten minutes.)

Then there’s the ‘one word method.’  This comprises of steeling yourself, however chatty or insistent the caller becomes, to limit yourself to only one word.  The obvious one is “yes” although I suspect a real expert at the game could come up with something a bit more adventurous.

The point is to see how long it takes the caller to terminate the conversation which, if the only response they’re getting is “yes” actually takes less time than you might imagine.

But my all time favourite is the ‘bad line method’ which, as the name I believe suggests, requires you to pretend that there is a fault on the line which renders you unable to make out what the caller is saying.  This is easily done by firstly advising the caller that, as it’s a bad line, you didn’t make out what they said and inviting them to repeat what they’ve said and, once they’ve done this twice, you then ask them to spell it.

A recent call I had went something like this:

Caller:      Good morning, my name is Daniel.  I’m calling from Windows and we have identified a problem with your computer.

Me:           I’m sorry but it’s a very bad line.  What did you say your name was?

Caller:      Daniel.

Me:           I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.  Can you repeat please?

Caller:      Daniel.

Me:           I’m sorry, I still didn’t get it.  Can you spell it please?

Caller:      D-A-N-I-E-L

Me:           Daniel?

Caller:      Yes, Daniel.

Me:           And the name of your company?

Caller:      Windows.

Me:           Sorry but it’s a REALLY bad line.  Could you spell that please?

Caller:      W-I-N-D-O-W-S.

Me:           Windows?

Caller:      Yes – Windows!

Me:           Ah, I see.  So you’re selling double glazing.

Caller:      No, it’s about your computer.

Me:           But you said you were calling about windows.  What have windows got to do with computers?

Caller:      No, I’m calling because we’ve identified that you’ve got a problem with your computer.

Me:           Sorry but it really is a very bad line.  Can you repeat that please?

Caller:      We-have-identified-that-you-have-a-problem-with-your-computer!

Me:           My computer?

Caller:      Yes, your computer.

Me:           But I don’t have a computer.

Caller hangs up.

RESULT!

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