Satire and Humour - Aberdeen Voice

Old Susannah – On Hitting A Ton

Aberdeen City, Articles, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 172012

Old Susannah wonders who pulled the trigger on the hill without warning, injects some good stuff into the mix and sings happy birthday. By Suzanne Kelly.

Brief Deer Update

Firstly, a clarification to a recent deer cull story of mine. Ranger Ian Tallboys wrote to advise he didn’t shoot the deer. I speculated in this earlier article that it could have been him as a long-serving ranger who wanted the trees planted and who wanted the deer culled, both a matter of record. But he says he didn’t pull the trigger, so it must be some other long-standing ACC affiliate.

The documents I have are crudely redacted, but some of them certainly point to a person employed by ACC being involved in the cull. I can’t imagine why the culler doesn’t want to be named as they are so proud of their work and so convinced it needed doing.

We need to know if the ‘expert’ the city kept referring to as insisting killing was the answer was the same person who was paid to do the killing – could be some small conflict of interest issue there.

Could it possibly be this person might have a financial interest in timber / hunting / land management that could be tied to the tree planting and the cull? It would explain why the city refused to listen to the freely-offered services of an expert who said the deer could have been spared? I would love to know. And eventually I will.

I am told a certain Mr Nicholson might be able to help with my investigations; we shall see. I’ve asked Ian Tallboy for an explanation in return as to why there were no signs telling the public a gunman with a rifle was killing things while we were all walking, exercising dogs, playing with families, riding motorbikes on the hill.

The city decided this lethal risk should have been communicated by clear warning signs at each and every entrance to the hill – but no one saw any such warnings. As soon as I get a response I’ll be sharing it with you. And my lawyers.

But tally ho! It was another exciting week in the Deen. Rosemary from Aberdeen PA threw a great event at the Hilton Treetops where about 100 local businesses displayed what they have to offer from hotels to food to furniture. Andrew from the Cock and Bull was there with some of his delicious food, Glencraft was on hand, and there were many more people involved than I can mention now.

I suppose a small dose of sarcasm and even cynicism might occasionally sneak into a column of mine now and then.

Sadly I didn’t get to ‘Wildly Unprepared’ comedy improve at the Belmont Cinema this Wednesday – but will try and go next week. I had another great meal at Café 52, and I had some more IPA is Dead (Challenger) at BrewDog which was delicious – their recent refit means a lighter, more airy space – and more room for beer lovers.

The Nick Nairn Cookery School course I took this week taught by Louise was perfect in every way – more on that elsewhere.

If anyone wonders why I often mention what I’ve been doing and what’s been going on, it is because I am sometimes accused of writing a bit ‘sarcastically’, or in the words of some council people, I am being ‘negative’. As for the first, I suppose a small dose of sarcasm and even cynicism might occasionally sneak into a column of mine now and then.

But as to negativity, I’d like to think that while I mainly write about kerb-crawling, cash-syphoning City Councillors or megalomaniac builders, billionaires and BiGshots, I also mention good things and people doing interesting projects. Because as well as billionaires and BiGshots etc, we also have great stuff going on.

BrewDog, Malmaison, Nick Nairn and other unique, talented enterprises thrive here. Glencraft is still with us, and the Silver City Surfers are still helping people get online– all important, creative, interesting, and going on right here, even without a giant granite web over our garden. It’s a miracle. Now that’s cleared up, time for one definition.

Testimonial: (noun) An endorsement or recommendation, often based on personal experience. This is a tough one to define; perhaps some examples will be of use -

Aberdeen Voice has been great as a supportive honest voice telling the truth about what has been happening in the area. Exactly what local people need – unlike the mainstream media who always seem to have an agenda that is not always as clear as it may seem. As such, I for one will continue to support Aberdeen Voice in any way I can.

But what do others think?

David Milne, Menie Resident:

“The Aberdeen Voice has been a stalwart supporter of the anti-Tullos Hill deer cull campaign and without their ongoing support, thousands of caring Aberdonians would be in the dark as to many happenings taking place in our beautiful city. Many thanks to all of the amazingly dedicated people who put so much time and effort into creating such an interesting and informative read, and long may it continue! Congratulations on 100 issues!”

Deb, Manager at Lush Aberdeen: (& powerful ally to the Tullos Hill campaign, Willows and New Arc for openers)

“I am delighted to have the opportunity of a) congratulating Aberdeen Voice on its 100th edition – long may it continue to flourish! and b) to put on record how much I enjoy reading about local events that frequently are passed over by the commercial media that have always to consider the interests of those who buy advertising space rather than the interests of readers.

“Too often, in this society of ours, money buys influence. We have seen that in the Trump Affair at Menie and in the battle to save Union Terrace Gardens against commercial incursions into public amenities. Conditioning, or brainwashing if you prefer, has led us all to believe that making money is paramount, with human wellbeing coming a poor last. See what is happening in Greece. See what is happening to the environment. It wasn’t always like this and it doesn’t have to be like this. But to change this trend, independent voices, unswayed by commercial considerations, are essential.

“Aberdeen Voice is beholding to no commercial interest and can boldly support the interests of local people and express their concerns. It does this admirably. It deserves its expanding readership, and a hearty thanks to its volunteer staff who do such a splendid job.”

David Kennedy – former Principal of RGU:

“Aberdeen Voice is just what it says: news and views from people in and around Aberdeen. At a time when the Press is in the dock over its manipulation of the news and for promoting sectional powerful interests, Aberdeen Voice refreshingly reflects the opinions of those without official authority and so has provided a major platform for free speech for the majority.”

Lena: (Lenathehyena of http://lenathehyena.wordpress.com/ )

“I’ve only been reading The Aberdeen Voice for the last few months but I’m very impressed by the tenacious way the reporters get their teeth into a story and stick with it. Other community news projects could learn a lot from The Aberdeen Voice. Every town in Scotland needs an independent, campaigning Voice. Here’s to the next 100 issues.”

John Robins, Animal Concern Advice Line:

“Congratulations on your 100th edition! Kind regards.”

Kate, Willows Animal Sanctuary:

“Congratulations Aberdeen Voice!”

Chris, Coordinator, Silver City Surfers: www.silvercitysurfers.co.uk

“Congratulations to all at Aberdeen Voice on the Centenary Edition! The Silver City Surfers enjoyed reading the article about the service we provide to help those over 55 to learn basic computing in a social setting. Your article was informative, interesting and inviting and we have enjoyed dipping into the internet to read more local articles. Looking forward to the next hundred … Best wishes to you.”

And there I leave it. However feel free to add your own testimonial in the comments box below.

Happy 100th Issue Aberdeen Voice!

Next week: return to definitions as usual…

Integrity An Democracy

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 172012

By Bob Smith.

Integrity an democracy wull be lost
If the City Gairdens plans ye scrap
So says yon mannie fae Acsef
We maan pit Aiberdeen on the map
.
The chiel his hid a memory lapse
Integrity and democracy it deet
The day the public consultation vote
Wis ignored by Sir Ian an his creed
.
The lot in the coalition cooncil
Ti spik ti Widdie felt the need
Onybody wi a grain o sense
Kentiss widna dee ony gweed

Is it ta-ta ti the Granite Web?
Weel we’ll hae ti wait an hope
The Labour lot stik ti their guns
An Sir Ian Widd is left ti mope
.
The third briggie ower the River Don
Micht be fer the chap as weel
Ross Grant is noo on the cooncil
He thinks the scheme is bliddy feel
.
Integrity an democracy micht recover
In the toon twixt Don an Dee
If some cooncillors they haud faist
An ti Widdie dinna bend the knee

©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

City Sky Project – Pie In The Sky?

Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 172012

There was jubilation in Aberdeen today after the SNP and Lib Dems were sensationally returned to power. Samuel Clemens writes.

The March referendum result having trumped the local elections that followed it in May, the first act of the reinstated council will be to approve the City Sky Project overwhelmingly.
This ambitious plan by international tycoon Donald Duck and ACSEF will raise the entire city to the roof level of St Nicholas House.

Keith Stuart, former councillor and now European ambassador to China said:

“Only 25,004 people voted for Labour in the elections, whereas 50.001% of voters voted for the City Sky Project in the referendum.

“Since Labour campaigned on a pro UTG ticket, it’s only democratic that they should be removed from power, made to empty their desks, have their phones confiscated, and be escorted from the city by Union Square Security Guards.”

Of the City Sky Project, Deputy Council Leader John Fletcher explained :

“Labour had intended to demolish St Nicholas House and replace it with a garden. That scheme would have cost millions of pounds and only had 99% of its funding in place.

“Then Donald Duck came along and suggested raising the entire city to the roof level of St Nicholas House, as an elegant alternative to demolition. He even offered to fund the first £5m himself. A scam like this only comes along once in a lifetime, and we all felt it was a visionary concept that could really revitalise the city centre.

“As soon as this is imposed on the people of Aberdeen I’ll be relocating to Brighton, where I can lead an alternative lifestyle.”

International Tycoon Donald Duck has strong ties with the city because his German grandmother once owned a Scottish Terrier named Jock.

Well respected accountants Price-Whatnohouse-Kline-Beecham have eliminated the need to consult specialist construction surveyors by guesstimating the project at an affordable £500m. A spokesperson said:

“We are merely acting on the instructions of our client, Donald Duck. He calls the shots.”

The balance of the funding will be raised under the tested system of CIF, or Crony Increment Funding. Council protégé Callum McChild deftly explained the workings of this complex funding mechanism,

“Under this scheme the entire city will be leased to an unregistered charity vehicle named ACSEF World Domination Fund Limited for a period of not less than 525 years.

“The cost of the development will be recouped by increased business rates in the two new towns that will be constructed within the CIF zone to the North of Aberdeen. These are to be named Peterhead and Fraserburgh.

“The increased business rates will be in effect for a period of 25 years. Although it is a certainty that this will repay the loan, any remaining debt will then in theory be recouped by confiscating and auctioning the homes of everyone living in the city or its suburbs. But that part will never happen; never in all my six years as a teenager has something like that occurred.”

Lord Provost Humptress Dumptress, who represents the ward of Steven Wiggy Construction Limited, claimed that all her constituents were in favour of the project.

“Aberdeen would have been the laughing stock of the entire Universe had it rejected The City Sky Project. The alternative is that St Nicholas House is painted bright orange with FUCK YOU stencilled down the side of it, and left to stand forever. The Art Gallery will almost certainly fall down of its own accord.”

Mike Sheepdog, Chairman, Spokesman for the annoying tree-hugging luddite NIMBY Occupy movement spin-off, Friends of Aberdeen, thumped his chest and shouted

“THE CITY SKY PROJECT IS UGLY. WHY REPLACE A CITY WITH A CITY?”

Bohmenian cafe owner Steve Bakewell disagrees with Mike Sheepdog,

“There is an alternative. I have plans drawn up to reopen St Nicholas House as a macrobiotic cafe. As you can see from these drawings we’ve incorporated a giant spiral staircase around the exterior which we also plan to reupholster in tasteful crushed velvet. There will be outdoor balconies every third floor with canopies to protect patrons from all the seagull shit.”

Esteemed International Architects Diddly Squat Rankturd, who designed the world revered tourist attraction An Overgrown Field are to head up the project. Donald Duck explained,

“Yeah, this is a great deal for you limeys, these guys turned a bunch of grass into some wild flowers and folks flocked to see it from all over the world.

“It was inspirational. Charles Rankturd is jetting in to have brunch with some students at Gray’s, because Zooey thought that would be a good photo op.”

Aberdeen Voice got a sneak peak at the plans and can confirm that everything, with the exception of St Nicholas House, will be demolished in order to prep the area. We then asked 100 people in the vicinity of Cornhill Hospital how they felt about seeing the entire city being reduced to rubble.

White Heather Wifie felt that the city was old, dirty, covered in chewing gum, and should be replaced with something new.
Gilcomston Tramp said he never used the city and didn’t see the point in it.
The Guitar Wifie from St Nicholas Centre complained that the city was only used by drunks and junkies, and wasn’t safe to visit anymore.
Aye Aye Wifie fae King Street said she had a problem getting her stolen shopping trolly up and down stairs especially when it was full of Yorkshire Terriers.
A man with seagull feathers in his hair felt that the city was an eyesore and clearly past it’s sell by date.

A representative of the Federation of Small Nutcases said,

“our members are in favour of the project, and so is everyone else.”

“It is heartening to hear that not only will St Nicholas House be preserved, but that it will be reinforced to act as a symbolic supporting pillar for the revitalised city.”

Herr Flick, spokesman for Acsef, revealed how police had to be called in after annoying tree-hugging luddite NIMBY Occupy movement spin-off, Friends of Aberdeen kidnapped and tortured his family, stole his plasma television, barbecued his dog, scrawled the world “PIG” on his wall in blood, called him a wanker online, and hurt his feelings.

Although clearly shaken he bravely explained, “The entire inside of the structure will be one enormous arts centre, capable of holding over one million people, designed in the theme of a shopping mall. Art and shopping are integral to one another.

“Our PR company conducted research that revealed art and shopping are two sides of the same coin. This vibrant fusion of them will create a cafe culture and determine our entire weather system for thousands of years to come. The city will benefit from hosting prestigious events like Fame Academy and The World Dwarf Throwing Championships.”

The Office for Spoilt Brat Future Prime Minister said in a statement that Spoilt Brat felt that Aberdeen was lacking in connectivity.

“To get from one side to the other you have to pass through the middle or go around. Once the City Sky Project is completed it will also be possible to bungee jump over the side then ride an elevator back up.

“People will start to move around more exploring these sorts of tactile possibilities. It’s all about connectivity, that’s why vibrant cities like Disneyland and Alton Towers are such a commercial success.”

Councillor Josh Corblimey thought that this had the potential to be just like Space 1999,

“We could have robots and stuff, and everyone could eat that mashed potato stuff that you mix in the packet and microwave. In fact everyone would have access to microwaves, and we could communicate with each other using them.

“Microwaves would be like phones, and we could all wear suits of tinfoil, fly around in jet-packs and make popcorn. Imagine if someone farted whilst flying their jet pack? It would be ace. But I see the need to make education our priority. Happy days!”

We dug up Ex-Aberdeen Manager Ally McGab who came close to winning the World Cup with Scotland in 1978. He commented:

“The people of Aberdeen need to think big, but remember it’s a game of two halves Archie.”

Celebrity Scottish President John West Salmon was craned into Aberdeen for five minutes where he gave the project his endorsement 110% while presiding over the public execution of unpopular crazed renegade Mike Sheepdog.

Aberdeen Voice comments:

The people have Aberdeen have no choice but to welcome this ambitious scheme. The fact that the referendum was rigged is irrelevant, that’s all in the past, now we must move on with our lives and embrace the future. And the sky is the limit!

( Add your own view on this exciting venture in the comments box below )

Villages Are Deein

Creative Writing, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 112012

By Bob Smith.

Some sma villages are deein
Aa ower the kwintraside
Young local fowk are cryin oot
Fer a wee hoosie fer ti bide
.
There are hoosies in the villages
The young canna afford ti buy
Fair forced oot o the mairket
Prices are ower damn’t high
.
Snappit up bi fowk nae local
Some hoosies noo a holiday hame
So the young hiv ti move awa
Iss is maist criminal an a sham
>
Hoosies noo jist lyin empty
Jist used a fyow wikks a eer
Or lit oot bi rich owners
At a sky high rent a fear

Local pubs an shops are shuttin
Cos there’s nae bugger left ti spend
Except fin the absent owners
Turn up at an odd wikkend
.
Local skweels are slowly closin
Cos young couples move awa
Aa fer the wint o a local hoosie
Far they can becum a ma an da
>
A law it shud be passed
Village hooses maun be offered
Ti fowk faa bide roon aboot
Afore incomers bids are proffered
.
The young are a village’s future
Wark an hooses we maun provide
An keep up the community spirit
Fit holiday hame gadgies canna provide

Image credits:
Midlem Village Hall © Copyright Iain Lees and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence
Thumbnail © David Napier under the Creative Commons

Old Susannah No.76: Election Reflection – A Scream

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 112012

Tally Ho and Long Live the Revolution! Dong Dong…! Things genuinely seem a bit more vibrant, dynamic and forward-looking since the elections. Labour have a majority and the LibDems got the ballot-box cull they had asked for. By Suzanne Kelly.

No I didn’t get in – but I couldn’t have been much happier with the results, although we have one more Malone than I’d hoped for. The candidate list I’d recommended got hundreds of hits in the run-up to polling day, and the results came out pretty much as I’d wanted for the deer, for UTG and for basic transparency in government.

Running was quite an experience and so was the count. There were tired and emotional councillors and would-be councillors, some of who looked as if they’d been to the BrewDog AGM (held at the arena the Saturday before), and hadn’t been home yet.

Frenzied minions ran from computer screen to computer screen for glimpses of spoilt ballots and early result indicators. The most softly-spoken man I’d ever heard was tasked with whispering the results out to the candidates before the official announcement.

I had as much chance of winning Torry/Ferryhill as I did of winning the Grand National, but I was very very touched to have been the first choice for some 91 people. Thank you.

A diminutive rabbit-faced woman in an eye-wateringly lurid, mustard-coloured jacket was looking tired/confused/fearful, a bit like the 22 deer which she’d ordered destroyed on Tullos Hill. (What was with that jacket? Did she have a job as a theatre usher to go to after the count? Was she wearing it for a bet? Was it some new high viz outfit?)

I almost felt sorry for her as the members of her little herd were culled one by one by the voters and each loss was reflected in her doe-like eyes. But I wasn’t.

Speaking of culls, newspapers accuse the Government and landowners of secretly planning a beaver cull in the Scottish countryside (what’s left of it). Surely the transparent, non-political, scientific body that is Scottish Natural Heritage would not help secretly destroy wildlife? Must be a mistake.

In some parts of Tayside beavers were reintroduced, and others escaped into the wild and have bred for generations, and are now wild as well. Still, some clever clipboard-holder somewhere is thinking about taking some of them back from the wild now or culling them (beavers build dams you see – something the SNH could not have anticipated). SNH - Where would nature be without it?

If you are interested in beavers about to be persecuted by some ambitious SNH pencil-pusher, contact Louise Ramsay of the Scottish Wild Beaver Group.

Elsewhere in the news Eduard Munch’s famous painting ‘The Scream’ sold for £120 million. For only £20 million more you could destroy a Victorian garden and get a granite web, if you’re interested.

I was struck by how closely it resembled some of the ex-councillors at the count, and a few of the hopefuls when they learnt they didn’t get in this time. It is also quite a futuristic painting – it looks to me like a terrified person running away from a giant granite web.

The Cults, Bieldside, Miltimber online newspaper is a simple, straightforward, informative means by which area residents keep up on the latest news. It became however, the point of attack for Stewart Milne’s legal rottweilers. Why you may ask?

This little newsletter had repeated the (widely-circulated) rumour that Stewart Milne and family were going to depart their big house on the hill and have it turned into a hotel. The ordinary Tom, Dick or Stewart might simply have dropped an email to the editor to say the rumour wasn’t true, but not Stewart Milne. Nothing short of legal representatives contacting the newsletter would do – it was SERIOUS you see.

Munch’s ‘The Scream’ also resembles the area residents’ faces when they learned Milne wasn’t leaving. Allegedly. I’d best not mention the rumours around the ‘heated driveway’ or the destruction of a listed home for Milne’s ‘eco-friendly’ house, or I’ll have the lawyers onto me, too – so I won’t. And as far as any stories about liquidity problems, well, you won’t hear about them from me.

But at this rate there won’t be time for any definitions, so here we go.

Spoilt Ballot: (noun) Eng. 1. Voting slip or card which has been defaced or incorrectly marked so as to make it void. 2. Voting slip or card which has been marked to elect a Liberal Democrat.

Well, possibly one of the best laughs of the count was watching computer screens which displayed the spoilt ballot papers. The voting system might be less than simple in terms of tactics and strategy, but in the end all you had to do was put a number one for your first choice, a number two for your second choice and so on – for as many or as few candidates as you wanted. Simples.

The spoilt papers made everyone laugh. There was someone who’d written their life story on their slip, and another person livened the proceedings up with little smiley faces. Unbelievably, neither slip could be counted.

Then we had someone who wrote number 12 next to each of the ten candidates in their ward. Perhaps it was a good attempt at sarcasm; I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Far more sarcastic was the person who chose only one candidate, and gave them a number 26 (out of 14). Other people had four or five choices to be their second choice.

Others used ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs instead of numbers, and some people just could not keep inside those pesky square boxes. Just for the record, the referendum voting instructions did not say anything at all about not making stray marks on the voting form, but the election did. Hmmm.

Fix: (slang, English verb) to alter a genuine election or vote result

I am outraged! Horrorstruck! Shocked! That a blatant fix could have happened in this country, perpetrated by a special interest group to further their own ends. The BBC confirmed it today, and it is now time to take action.

Yes, Spanish drinks giant Diageo fixed the results of the British Institute of Innkeepers award for the ‘Bar Operator of the Year’. This award had been voted to go to BrewDog (and quite rightly so) – but Diageo put the frighteners on the competition organisers, threatening to pull future sponsorship. This is apparently neither a threat nor intimidation nor even sour grapes according to Diageo, who are calling it a “serious misjudgement” on their part.

If you are out there James, Martin and all of the BrewDog crew, award or no, you are assuredly the Best Operator of the Millennium.

The AGM BrewDog held probably made more money than some football clubs or newspapers made all year. On the day, sales of rare, premium top quality beer was sold as fast as could be managed to eagerly queuing crowds; hundreds of cases of beer were sold.

The shareholder meeting was refreshing on several levels – the presentations were riveting, and the premium products we tasted during the meeting were some of the best beers I’ll ever have. It was Beer Heaven on earth. It was international. It was emotional. It was tasty. It was an AGM, but not as we know it.

As to Diageo, well I’d not forgotten how they decided to slaughter the deer which lived on a site they acquired (wholly unnecessary, but as usual, sanctioned by SNH dogma). Coupled with trying to wrest an award away from BrewDog, war has been declared as far as I’m concerned. I’d list all of their products, but that would take ages. Suffice it to say that Diageo brands are off my shopping list forever.

Loss of Office: (English phrase) – to find oneself without employment.

Pity those who had found suitable employment, only to have it taken from them suddenly, abruptly, and with no guidance on a future job or career, leaving them with financial worry, self esteem issues, loss of social contact and insecurity. It is not fair to make people suffer like that.

So my heartfelt sympathies to those of you who suffered in the 2008 budget cuts which saw beneficial programmes such as ‘Can Do Aberdeen’ cut and its employees cut off without a lifeline. (And sympathy also those people who needed and/or worked for many services for the elderly, people with special needs and so on who lost out when a past administration decided to cut you out).

They say that in the end time redresses balance, and what comes around goes around. Perhaps something like just desserts will be served sometime soon.

But I am out of time and space for now. Next week: Summertime special.

Holyrood Or Hollywood

Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

May 032012

By Bob Smith.

“The Donald” wis doon at Holyrood
Agin winfairms he did rail
Stop biggin aa thae turbines
Or yer tourism it’ll fail

Ye’ll spile the bonnie coastline
An wi me ye noo wull clash
Nae wird o connachin shiftin dunes
Fin an SSSI the chiel did trash

Trump says the warld’s aa laachin
At fit he sees as Scaatland’s folly
Fowk winna cum ti ma gowf course
An a’ve spint aa iss bliddy lolly

Royal Aiberdeen spoots oor Donald
Wull lose oot on gowf events
A win’ turbine it’ll spile the view
Fae the course an sponsors’ tents

The pledge a wis gien’s bin bruiken
“Nae winfairms wid be near Menie”
A’m dumfoonert an fair scunnered
An winna spen anither penny

Oor Eck cries “stuff an nonsense”
The mannie’s spikkin crap
His “The Donald’s” bluff an bluster
Geen a bittie ower the tap?

Wi aa the rigmarole at Holyrood
Donald playin his “Trump” cardie
It’s mair akin to yon Hollywood
Wi Donald an Eck as Laurel an Hardy
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Image credit:© Mark Rasmussen | Dreamstime.com …. 3 windmills

Lament Fer Scottish Fitba

Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 262012

By Bob Smith.

Fitba fans are noo fleein
Fae the shite they are seein
Played on pitches throwoot the land
Their heids they are scratchin
At fit they are watchin
Coaches beery their heids in the sand
.
The gemme is noo borin
Fin teams are nae scorin
Nae players git on the scoresheet
Ti fans it’s a scunner
Git forrit they thunner
Some teams try nae ti git beat
.
Nae goalmouth scrambles
Or quick passin gambles
Haud on ti the ba is the goal
Nae fleein wingers
Fa at crosses war slingers
A striker’s a richt lonely soul
.
The gemme’s played in midfield
Neither team it dis yield
Ti move faist they nivver aspire
We maun keep possession
Is a coach’s confession
Scorin goalswis eence the desire
.
The coaches div sing
Results are the thing
So AABODY defends at the back
Strikers noo in defence
Fin things get ower tense
There’s nae bugger left in attack
.
If wi dinna concede
The coaches wull plead
Wi micht sneak a goal near the eyn
Fans fin iss a bore
An some they div snore
Tryin hard their seats ti recline

Players they faa ower
Some are a richt shower
Sma contact?- they’re doon on the grun
Chiels clutchin their face
As actors they’re ace
In sic folly the fans fin nae fun
.
So things maun be changed
In the heids o the deranged
A mair positive style wi shud see
Or I’m feart itherwise
We’ll see the demise
O a gemme eence flowin an free
.
Attack attack attack
We maun noo bring back
Leave defences ti cope wi attackers
If a goal is lit in
Dinna think it’s a sin
Jist gyaang an score twa crackers
.
It’s doon ti cost
Some fans are lost
Gweed money is pyed ti watch piss
If the gemme’s poor
Fer 30 minutes plus an oor
Mair and mair wull gie it a miss
.
A’m gettin lang in the tooth
An fair doon in the mooth
At fit eence wis “the beautiful game”
Lots o matches are crap
Wi tackles ower the tap
Fit we’re seein’s a richt bliddy shame
.
.
.
.
.
.
©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

.
Image Credit: Ancrum A.F.C football pitch and dugout (Iain Lees) / CC BY-SA 2.0

Old Susannah No. 75 – Olympic Fever!

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 192012

Old Susannah looks at recycled paper in the shape of old news and defines some tricky terms we will all too soon be bombarded with in the run up to the London Olympics. By Suzanne Kelly.

What a week it has been in Aberdeen! This was the story everyone was talking about:

DEER FOUND DEAD AHEAD OF ABERDEEN’S CONTROVERSIAL CULL:

“Animals ‘starved to death’ on tree-planting site” were the headline and tagline which greeted readers of the Evening Express online on Monday 16th April. My phones rang, my email filled up, and Facebook was buzzing with questions from those who saw this ground-breaking news story. ‘How did the deer die? When were they found? How old were they?’ were all questions people wanted answered.

It soon transpired that in the text of the printed news story, anyone who took the trouble to read the piece learnt that the deer died… in 2010. Yes, that’s right, the headline referred to deer which died two years ago.

Old Susannah is happy to say that after a wee chat with the EE’s deputy, a correction was made online (I did ask for something in print, but apparently this is not happening).

I told the EE’s deputy editor that this headline was akin to putting up a headline ‘Titanic sinks’ in a newspaper today. He seemed to think I was equating the loss of all those lives with two deer and he didn’t think that was the right thing to do.

But I happily explained to him that I was making an analogy as to printing old news in a paper, without making absolutely clear in the headline that the news is old. I think he got the idea in the end.

But someone came to the Evening Express ‘on Monday’ with ‘a report’ – which led to the story being written. Hmm. Can we think of anyone who would want people to believe deer need to be culled or they will starve? Someone who might perhaps want to get re-elected, stay in their job, get money for the tree scheme – could such a person be behind this? I think we should be told. I’ve asked the Evening Express and the Council who is responsible for this strange, belated tale. Please feel free to ask them, too.

I’ve told the Aberdeen Voice’s editor that I’m working on two similar stories myself.

The first to be called ‘WOOLY MAMMOTH DIED ON TULLOS HILL IN ADVANCE OF CULL’ – it will explain the hill is too small to support many mammoths, and the mammoth is thought to have died having been hunted to extinction by members of the primitive ‘LibDem’ tribe – ten thousand years ago.

The other story I am working on is ‘EVENING EXPRESS FOUND DEAD IN ADVANCE OF CULL: CAUSE OF DEATH BELIEVED RELATED TO POOR CIRCULATION.’

The ConDems are proud to present (no expense spared): The 2012 Olympic Games!

Just when you think you have some kind of entente cordial with these guys, they plant the seed in everyone’s mind that deer are starving and that only by killing them can we prevent the tragedy of them dying. How and why an ancient letter was not only presented to the EE and then turned into a ‘news’ headline is as much a mystery as the stone cairns on Tullos we will soon obscure with dead and dying tree saplings. Sigh.

Perhaps if I send the Eve Express the old letters I have which prove:

a) The cull was long planned and deliberately kept out of the public consultation and
b) The city was chased for not paying up on time the £43,800 it owed to the Forestry Commission, these letters too might be transformed into brand new news stories.

But I don’t think I’ll bank on it. It’s as if someone were playing silly games.

While we are on the subject of silly games (which I just got us onto of course), it won’t be long now until the London 2012 Olympics start! Result!

People don’t want to think about jobs, pensions, pollution, EU scandals, water companies that don’t fix their infrastructure which leads to drought: people want bread and circuses (another thing the Romans ever did for us). Therefore, the ConDems are proud to present (no expense spared): The 2012 Olympic Games! Result!

Let’s look lovingly at some definitions for the Olympics (even if they aren’t going to create as many jobs and as much wealth as our Granite Web will magically do)…

Logo: (noun) – an emblem or design linked to a movement, company or other entity.

You thought the ACSEF logo was brilliant; it was. Well, the boundaries have been pushed; thinking has taken place outside the box, and the beautiful, elegant 2012 logo was launched. It graces everything from chocolate bar wrappers (which I’m sure the athletes gulp down by the case) to chequebooks. Who will ever forget those precisely-formed, joined up ‘2012’ numbers?

The only thing I can think of that was as pretty and chunky was our own ‘Monolith’ design, which sadly won’t be built. Some people say the ‘2012’ lettering looks like it was done by a 9-year-old with a crayon in the back of a car with bad suspension, but this is just artistic jealousy. Whether or not the artistic talents behind the granite web had any input is unconfirmed.

Mascot: (noun) – a character or animal linked to a movement, company or other entity.

The American Olympic Games gave us a cuddly version of the American eagle wearing an ‘Uncle Sam’s hat’. The Moscow Olympics gave us a bear. How very passé.

The greatest British design teams toiled day and night, and have come up with Wenlock and his friends. What better way to sum up what our collective of nations is all about than a long, thin blob thing with a giant bloodshot eye on the top of it? I don’t know what it is – do you know what it is? Would you have this thing in your house?

Why would you buy one? Again – what the heck is it? I am sorry I started down the path of trying to define Wenlock – and think I’d best forget about his other little friends, too.

Commemorative stamps: (noun) a postal stamp or set of stamps issued to mark an historic event, occasion, person or place of importance.

Elvis had a stamp. The Beatles had a set of stamps. And now for the first time in recorded history – we will get a brand new stamp issued instantly every time a British Athlete wins a Gold Medal. That’s going to be an awful lot of stamps I can tell you.

I intend to camp out at my post office with a portable tv so I can watch the women’s 25 meter tag shotput heptathalon event, and be the first person in Torry to get the Gold medal stamp. I trust you are all as excited about this development as I am.

The only thing I found more exciting is that it will soon cost £0.60 each time I want to send a first class letter. That is presuming whatever envelope I want to use can fit through that silly little guide thing they now have – kind of like a version of ‘The Wall’ for envelopes instead of people. Perhaps ‘The Wall’ should be an Olympic event?

Poetry Parnassus: (noun – modern English) – an event invented for the 2012 Olympics so that intellectuals will feel part of the whole wonderful Olympic thing, too.

This is the concept (although there aren’t enough poets yet – volunteers should call the Olympic HQ): there will be a helicopter drop of 100,000 poems printed on bookmark size paper onto the happy Olympic fans. Result! This will apparently take half an hour. I can’t decide whether to get down to London for this and then find a post office to wait at for the first Gold Medal Stamp or not.

I’m afraid all this Olympic excitement has overtired me. Otherwise I could have reminded everyone of the story of Native American, Jim Thorpe. Thorpe was perhaps the greatest athlete the modern Olympics ever knew. He won everything. Decathlon, everything – it was a great triumph and he fought a great deal of discrimination to get that far.

But it turned out he had once been paid for playing ball – and so was theoretically a professional. All of his medals were stripped away by our always-honest and rule-abiding Olympic authorities. However, his accomplishments still stand.

Today’s athletes have been known to endorse products, be paid professionals, and to use the occasional ‘enhancer’. But for me, none of them could hold a candle to Thorpe. Must remember to tell you about him sometime.

Next week: Election round up – and news flash! Ancient Pictish/Celtic warrior found dead on Tullos ahead of cull!

Reclaim Oor Streets

Creative Writing, Featured, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 192012

By Bob Smith.

Lit’s hear it fer the fowk fa waak
Aroon the streets in ivvery toon
Fa’s only wish is ti be free
Fae motor cars aa fleein aroon

Streets faar ye can walk in peace
Nae noise fae larry or car
A toon cinter free o fumes an steer
Faar the motor vehicle’s nae the Tsar

A placie faar the high street shops
Can dee their trade in tranquility
An cafes hiv tables an chairs ootside
Wi fowk enjoyin a coffee or tea

Streets faar kids can waak ti skweel
Nae aye driven in faimily cars
Fowk’ll think there’s mair chunce
O seein aliens fae the planet Mars

Fowk war born wi things caed legs
Bit they’re nae noo used sae muckle
Instead o haen a fyow car free streets
Lit toons aim ti hae a fair puckle

Git fowk back livin in toon cinters
So some widna hae ti drive ti wark
An maybe they cwid enjoy some peace
Like the car free island o Sark

Ye think am livin in a fantasy warld?
Maybe so bit we maun surely try
Ti mak toon streets fowk freenly
Reclaim oor streets shud be the cry
.
.
.
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©Bob Smith “The Poetry Mannie” 2012

Picture Credit: Richard Slessor

Old Susannah No. 74 – Election Special

Aberdeen City, Satire and Humour No Responses »

Apr 162012

Old Susannah reflects on the probability of the Tullos Hill deer cull having been carried out, examines the role of key players, and presents some definitions we may become more familiar with as the local election looms.

Well, it’s been another interesting week in Aberdeen. I hope everyone had a pleasant Easter vacation, and things were as vibrant and dynamic (or otherwise) as you wished. I spent some time in the Coventry and Evesham areas, where all sorts of interesting things were going on.

I went to a pub where people played backgammon, cards and/or played folk music. I went to a meadow in the hamlet of Inkberrow, where the Plantlife charity is protecting some important wildflowers and animals in a delightful meadow.

I went to a bluebell wood near Evesham where deer, people, dogs and trees all managed to coexist without shotguns. This part of the world even has road signs to warn motorists that deer may cross the road – what an idea.

Sadly, even if the Council cut down on hiring consultants and throwing parties for itself, we might not need any deer crossing signs at Tullos – the number of deer which have been killed is unknown, but in a report I received a few weeks ago, buried on page 67, are the plans to kill off virtually all the bucks and most of the does we have.

The pre-planting cull happened, with a jolly hunter explaining to a hill-walker source of mine that deer ‘are basically rabbits with long legs’.

Might as well just shoot everything; we’d probably be able to make money from it somehow. Sigh. I guess we’ll just have to accept that the City and paid deer-kill supporter/tree planter CJ Piper know what’s best. We’ll just have to leave the main forces behind the cull (Aileen Malone, Pete Leonard, Ian Tallboys and Chris Piper) to get on with it. It would be a shame if any upcoming protest would add to the sea of newspaper and TV new items which have brought this situation to a larger audience.

Why do I pick these four people out, you might wonder?

Aileen Malone has always been the poster girl for the deer kill/tree scheme, appearing in press when it was just going to be a tree plantation. Did you see the lovely picture of her this week in the Evening Express? She had on a hard hat (you might think that was unnecessary) and was behind the wheel of a mechanical digger. Glee was in her little face.

However, when the cull became public knowledge, she suddenly became camera shy.

Chris Piper is our expert who, having been paid £44,000+ so far, is confident we can plant trees successfully! Result!

Pete Leonard must have writer’s cramp from all the emails he’s put out repeating that ‘the consultation was robust’ and ‘deer need to be culled’.
He also managed to find time to singlehandedly determine that no funding was available for keeping Tullos as a meadow (which it already is).

Leonard wrote that a meadow would be more expensive than another tree planting, even though the tree scheme cost you and I at least £87,000 so far.

Old Susannah just found out that we are paying £480 pound per day for clearing the site, and the work is ongoing. Chris Piper is our expert who, having been paid £44,000+ so far, is confident we can plant trees successfully! Result!

CJ Piper & Co might not show up in Companies House when you do a search, but they show up as author of a paper as to why we need the trees (it’s for the community you see, and to save a tiny bit of C02 – eventually). Writing a paper to keep the cash coming in, he’s endorsing the proposal which will make him more money: another result!

Ian Tallboys is a bit of the strong silent type – when it came to building at Loirston Loch and in the fields at Cove anyway. He’s certainly standing up for his right to use his licenses (shooting and meat management) when it comes to these trees. There is little evidence that rangers or anyone else maintained the weed-choked trees dying in tubes at St Fitticks and on Tullos (and at Seaton) – but everything will be fine this time. Sure it will.

But now on with some definitions. The elections loom, and with elections come a number of strange beasts…

Butterfly ballot: (noun) – a type of paper ballot in which the actual voting is done on a folded page, pamphlet-like ballot (the two open pages are like a butterfly’s wings; the voting is done where the butterfly’s body would be).

Let’s remember (as covered in this column a long time ago now) that your ballot is totally secret, so there is no need for any folded butterfly style paper. You are assigned a number, you get a numbered slip of paper when you go to the poll, and a list is made. Absolutely no way anyone will be able to track how you vote. Voting is just as safe and private as sending an email.

But back to butterflies. We won’t have to worry about butterflies very much going forward, as we’ve destroyed most of their habitat for housing (while existing properties sit empty), for trees ( which aren’t going to grow), and for a football stadium (which might not exactly be what the fans want).

Rumour has it that a certain city employee, meant to safeguard nature, is about to apply to cut down some ancient trees on their land. This is very surprising – Old Susannah would have thought the man in question would have skipped getting permission and just chopped the offending trees down straightaway. More on that another time.

Dark Horse: (Noun) – a relatively unknown candidate, seeking victory over their more established and better known rivals.

Well, the upcoming Aberdeen elections have no shortage of underdog, dark-horse candidates. The ballot papers are awash with Independents (including yours truly). It’s almost as if some people have had quite enough of party politics. The phrase ‘dark horse’ had to do with keeping details about your horse’s abilities secret before the animal raced.

I wonder if we have any candidates who like to keep secrets about animals from an unsuspecting public? Am I Malone in thinking we might?

Stalking Horse: (phrase, English)

1. person or thing designed to hide someone’s real intentions.

2. a candidate wanting to change the leader of a political party who stands only in order to provoke the election so that a stronger candidate to come forward.

3. a hiding place traditionally made in the shape of a horse behind which a hunter hid when stalking prey.

We can’t have an election without a stalking horse, can we? All sorts of interesting tales reach Old Susannah about how HoMalone became head of the LibDems. Was a stalking horse involved, and if so, who? Who was a weaker candidate that Malone?

Putting all that aside for now, we all hope that Aileen and Mr McCaig have mended their fences, kissed and made up. Their coalition was in peril not that long ago, and in pre-election skirmishes in the past both political parties have been less than kind to each other.

Whatever happens this time at the poll, let’s just hope we can get the same, sound, reliable, honest coalition we’ve been enjoying here for these past few vibrant, dynamic, smart, successful years.

As to the third meaning for stalking horse, well, we could always ask Ranger Bigboy how his deer hunting has been going, and if he favours the use of a cardboard cut-out, two-dimensional figure to hide behind. Not that I am insinuating that Ms Malone is a stalking horse in this sense of course.

Battlebus:

(noun – modern English) A vehicle used by a party to transport its leader or other senior figures around the country to rallies or to meet the people.

Some candidates go around in open top cars. Some of course travel in style, like when our shy and retiring (well, retiring anyway) Lord Provost gives his LibDem heir apparent lifts in the Civic Car. Much classier, even if the taxpayer picks up the bill for any emergency candidate trips to schools to pick up children.

On the subject of our Lord Provost, he has been a very busy man of late. No, not with his trip to Nagasaki to visit one of Aberdeen’s many twin cities (oh, the dreary pains of fulfilling office). Our LP has been handwriting dozens and dozens of letters, exhorting his constituents to vote for candidate Steve Delaney. This was later referred to by Delaney as ‘an error of judgment’.

Maybe one of the servants should have been despatched for the child in question so that the canvassing could continue.

Well, that’s all the definitions we have space for. Remember, you only have about a week to get yourself on the electoral register. Get all the gen from http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/lgelections2012/

Next week: More Freedom of Information requests and hilarious answers

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